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[wind blowing]
[far-off rock music playing]
["Eyes" by Wine Lips]
♪ Just trying to make it Till the weekend ♪
♪ So I can close my eyes ♪
♪ So stuck I hit another dead end ♪
♪ What a big surprise♪♪
- GPS: In 0.3 miles, turn right.
- I get it.
[turns music louder]
[phone ringing]
- [beep] - Hey, Mom.
[Mom speaks native language]
- In 0.3 miles, turn right. - Goddamn it, shut up.
- Mom, I'm not talking to you. It's the GPS.
- I don't know. I'm not there yet.
- Mom, I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
- It's not illegal. I look it up.
- [laughs] Okay. Bleach, got it.
- [phone beeps] - Anything else?
Oh, Mom, it's Zack. One second.
- Who's Z-- - Hi, baby.
I miss you. My mom says hi.
ZACK: Hello?
- [Zack cuts in and out] - Zack?
- Can you hear me, babe? - Can you hear me?
- [static]...the road?
- Yeah, but I might lose you,
'cause I'm about to make the turnoff.
[truck horn wails]
Yep. Just missed it.
- ZACK: I don't know if you can hear me,
but like, um, it's really...
so I'm probably going to close up... five.
[birds cawing]
- Want to come visit me later?
Got a new bikini.
[crunching]
Zack? Dude, we can have sex in the jacuzzi.
Hello?
[whimpers] Okay, if you can hear me,
please come visit me later
because I love you and I miss you
and I hate being alone.
Okay? Bye.
Mom?
- Mom. I--
- In English, please? Mom, all right--
Uh--oh... - [speaking native language]
- Can't... out... desert. - [speaking native language]
- Bye. - [beep]
[rock music resumes]
[music ends]
[eerie theme music]
[muffled rock music]
[heavy breathing]
- ♪ Did he say to me ♪ - Oh...
...fuck.
♪ Before he walked away ♪
♪ Oh, on that summer day
♪ I sighed sweetly ♪
- Poor guy.
♪ When he recalled my name ♪
♪ I knew he felt the same ♪
- [whistle trills] - ♪ Singing ♪
♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la-aa ♪
[buzzes]
- ♪ Did he notice ♪ - ♪ Ooh, la, ooh ♪
♪ When I looked back at him ♪
- ♪ My heart was fluttering ♪ - ♪ Na-na, na-na ♪
♪ Does he, does he ♪
♪ Although I'm such a fool ♪
♪ I let him Break my heart in two ♪
♪ Singing Ooh, la, la, la, la-aa♪♪
[music continues on radio]
- ♪ I know it's a fling ♪ - ♪ Doo wah wah ♪
♪ But he makes my smile sing ♪
[metal object drags ground]
♪ I'm waiting-- ♪
[music sting]
♪ Ooh, wah wah ♪
♪ To realize what he's missing ♪
- ♪ Ooh, wah wah ♪ - ♪ Oh! ♪
[loud chewing] - Officer Miller.
- You should really start calling me Officer Klein.
- But your name tag says Miller, just like mine.
- Hey, Charlie?
Can you order me a new nameplate?
CHARLIE: [radio static] Copy that.
- With my maiden name on it. - CHARLIE: Copy that.
Hey, does that, uh, mean, you know,
Bob signed the papers?
- None of your goddamn business, Dispatch.
- Hey, Bob. Blake, we still hanging out
after your shift tonight?
- Charlie-- - Shut the fuck up, guy.
- Bobby, we were just gonna go for breakfast, man.
You can come, too.
[sighs]
- Ricky, I can hear you. You're late.
- I was cashing out.
- What time are we leaving?
- [sighs] Sam and Dwayne left two hours ago.
- Okay, I guess we'll hurry up.
- If I'd have known you'd be this late,
I would have rode with them.
- Wait, I wasn't going to drive to the desert by myself.
And why are we spending the weekend
with people we don't like?
- I like you.
And Sam and Dwayne. Can you get the bags?
- Wayne's a piece of shit.
- Okay, well, you like Sam.
- No, I feel bad for Sam.
- She's just having fun.
- Bruh, she's gonna be on her phone the entire weekend.
- Yeah, she has half a million followers to entertain.
- Then just admit--
this is for networking and not a vacation.
- Can't it be both?
- You're a legit actress. She's a salesperson.
- Yeah, I'm also trying to be a product.
[speaks Spanish]
- Ricky, we are going to the desert
to stay in a beautiful house,
and if you play your cards right,
you might get laid.
- Okay, that's fine,
but I need to take a shower, 'cause I smell like balls.
- Oh, my God. Yes, please, hurry up.
- Thank you. - [sighs]
Get the bags.
[ominous music]
- [phone chimes] - SAM: Hey, guys.
We are getting ready to head to
our really high vibe destination for this weekend,
me and my man.
Dwayne, say hey, babe.
- DWAYNE: Hey, babe. - [Sam chuckles]
SAM: He's so funny. We love him.
Anyway, just check back in.
I'm so excited for you guys to walk with me
on my journey this weekend, really taking the next steps.
Anyway, I'm going to be sharing a lot
of heart-centered, um...
announceme-- I'm gonna start again.
Well, no, we can't. Fuck me. Goddamn it.
Do this one perfect. [phone chimes]
Hey guys, we are getting ready to head
to our really high vibe destination for this weekend,
me and my man.
Dwayne, say hey, babe.
- DWAYNE: Hey, babe. - [Sam laughs]
We love him. He's so funny.
Anyway, I am really excited to share with you
some really heart-centered updates
as you walk with me on this journey this weekend.
[chuckles]
Don't forget to like and comment below
and what you think about, you bring about.
[sniffles]
- Hey, guys.
Hey. [sniffles]
Hey, guys.
- [phone chimes] - Hey, guys.
We are getting ready to head to
our really high vibe destination for this weekend,
me and my man. Dwayne, say hey, babe.
- Hey, babe. - [laughs]
We love him. He's so funny.
Anyway, I am really excited to share with you,
um, some really heart-centered updates
as you walk with me on this journey this weekend.
Anyway, don't forget to like and comment below
and what you think about, you bring about.
[phone chimes]
You're not wearing that, are you?
- Yeah, that's why I put it on.
- Well, where's the shirt I got for you?
- Dirty. - Babe!
- Babe.
- No, I told you that a sponsor sent that to me
and we have to post about it.
- That doesn't mean that it doesn't get dirty.
[groans]
- I need you to be present this weekend.
- Okay. - I'm in the middle of a re-brand
and I'm in negotiations with a new sponsor, okay?
Here.
Chew this.
It's CBD gum. It's supposed to help with PMS.
Tell me if you like it.
What time are Carrie and Ricky leaving for the desert?
- I don't know. - But they're coming, right?
- Yeah, they're coming.
- Do you think Carrie likes me?
- Yes, Carrie likes you. Ricky likes you.
- Ricky hates me. - [Dwayne chuckles]
No, Ricky hates me. He likes you.
- Are you lying to me?
- To shut you up?
Would that work?
- No.
No, it wouldn't.
- They're coming to your party. Who cares?
- It's not a party. It's a big--
- Big announcement.
- You're such a dick.
Can you get the bags?
- Hey, I got a question.
Does Sam know that you used to date Dwayne?
- [chuckles]
That wasn't dating.
- Okay, I'll make sure to mention that to her.
- She has no reason to be jealous.
- [singsongs] But you do.
- Why would I be jealous of Sam?
- Well, Dwayne got himself a younger version of you.
- She's not that much younger.
- Five years and more "successful."
- Okay, well, at least I don't convince teenagers...
...to bedazzle their vaginas.
- Shit, maybe I should be jealous.
- Mm. Maybe if you had a six-pack like Dwayne.
- Fuck you. - I said might.
["I Lie When I Drink" by Dale Watson, ]
[music continues on stereo, muffled]
- Top off?
- Sure.
Say, didn't I see you this morning?
- Didn't I see you this morning?
- Guilty.
But, uh, I left and came back.
You ever leave?
- Been working double since December.
- Ah. 'Cause the theater closed.
- Big no. You ordering food?
- Yeah, I'll just take uh, white toast, dry.
[Bobby sighs]
- So how long you been fucking Dispatch?
- How long you been drinking on the job?
- I asked you first.
- Charlie and I are friends.
- You couldn't wait to be friends till we were divorced?
- You won't sign the papers.
- Is that what you really want?
- Jesus, Bobby, you know the answer.
- Then why can't you say it out loud?
- Bobby Miller, I need a divorce. So do you.
- No, I don't need the divorce. I'm fine.
- Then why'd you fuck Gwen?
[chokes]
- Thank you, Patty. - Thank you, Patty.
- Okay, I want to know where did you hear that bullshit.
- From Gwen.
- [radio static] - Dispatch for Klein.
Yo, Blake, you there?
- Go for Klein. - Hey, we just got a call.
Lady was screaming in the background,
but reception was kind of all over the place.
- Where at? - That old ranch,
the rental property, you know, off Albee Road.
- Yeah, I know it. We'll be there in five.
Gah!
- Not that it's any of my business...
...but you shouldn't be drinking on the job.
- That's what I said.
- Yeah, you're right, Patty.
It's none of your business.
- I'm worried about you two.
[tense music plays]
- DWAYNE: So we're still a few miles out.
Traffic was no joke.
We'll be there right about 6:00,
so we'll see you later, 'kay?
Bye, kiddo.
- [electronic music on radio] - "Kiddo"? Really?
♪ Lookin' up to see That she is not there ♪
- Want me to start calling you kiddo?
- Ew, no. - Role playing thing?
- Ew! Babe, that's gross! - [chuckles]
- Kiddo? - [chuckles]
[electronic music continues]
- Ugh. It's too loud.
- [volume blares] - MAN: Weather on the way
from SoCal's... - Wait, what's your passcode?
- Why do you want to get on my phone?
- Well, why don't you want me to get in your phone?
- I just want to know why.
- Because I want to get into your settings
and I want to change your video to 4K
so you can record my announcement tonight.
Is that all right? - 6536.
- Do you want to know mine? - Nope.
- Why not?
- I don't need it.
- Well, for your information, I don't have one because
I have nothing to hide.
- Neither do I. - Mm-hmm. Kiddo.
["Vroom" by Vic Sage] ♪ Hop in the car Watch it go vroom ♪
♪ Vroom ♪
♪ I told em all That I'd blow soon ♪
[muffled hip-hop music plays]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Shit. Shit.
- [phone alarm chirps] - Get it out.
- [chuckles] Oh, my gosh. - [phone chirps]
- [phone chimes]
- RICKY: There you go. Okay.
- DWAYNE ON VOICEMAIL: Hey, Care Bear.
We're a few miles out. Traffic was no joke.
We'll be there right about 6:00, 'kay?
See you. Bye, kiddo.
[whistling]
- Can you hurry up?
We have 80 miles to go.
Shake, shake.
- Well, you know it's unhealthy to hold a piss, right?
- Did your mommy tell you that?
- That's cute.
- SAM ON VIDEO: Hey, guys, we are getting ready to head
to our really high vibe destination this weekend.
- So. - Me and my man.
- What are you doing there? - Dwayne, say hey, babe.
- I'm watching Sam's story. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - What's so funny?
- It's Dwayne. He has his shirt off, see?
-...excited to share with you
some really heart-centered updates
as you walk with me on this journey this weekend.
[chuckles]
Anyway, don't forget to like and comment below
and what you think about, you bring about.
[suspenseful music plays]
- Goddamn it! Where is this fucking house?
- I thought you knew. - I--I lied.
- [scoffs] - [siren wails]
- [siren winds down] - What are you doing?
- We don't need the cherries.
It's probably just some fucking dry humpers.
- You know what? This is a 911 call, okay?
So this could be a matter of life or death.
- [drink can pops open] - The fuck is that?
[gulps] It's a cry for help or a--
or a desperate coping mechanism.
Okay, here come the party police.
[siren blaring]
- [gulps beer] - Just give this to me.
- BOBBY: Jesus! Goddamn it.
- Fucking stop driving like an asshole.
- I am an asshole.
- You are on the job.
[siren stops]
[suspenseful music plays]
[muffled hip-hop music]
- DWAYNE: So isolated.
- SAM: Yeah, that's sort of the point, babe.
- Whose Jeep is that? - I don't know.
- It's too nice to be Ricky's.
- SAM: Oh, my God. Be nice, babe.
♪ Then I take offense ♪
♪ When I see you Share some with-- ♪
You guys, we made it.
I wish...
...you could feel the energy out here.
It's literally magic.
My heart chakras never felt so open.
Hey, babe, can you take this?
Can you take the champagne?
Thanks.
- I don't drink champagne. - Did I ask you to drink it?
[sighs] Okay, but you have to... turn the label.
Babe?
Babe, like-- just, like, relax. Do that pose I taught you.
No, but, like, you have to get in frame
and just like...[sighs]
Babe, you're not your highest self right now.
Can you please-- can you do this for me?
You're vibrating at a really low frequency.
Just-- just smile.
- Oh, fuck. - [phone chimes]
- Are you pregnant? - What?
Would I bring a giant bottle of champagne
if I were pregnant?
- You tell me.
- What if I was?
- Depends. Who's the father?
- Fuck you.
- Don't come at me all of a sudden
like you want to have a baby because we both know you don't.
- Don't tell me what I want.
Maybe I changed my mind.
- You don't want a baby.
You could never share the spotlight.
- You are such a dick.
- And you are not pregnant.
So why did you drag me out into the desert
in the middle of nowhere?
What is up with that ridiculous scarf?
- It's vintage.
And you'll find out when everybody else does.
- I don't follow you on Instagram.
[suspenseful music builds]
- What?!
[muffled smooth R&B plays]
- CARRIE: Who drives the Jeep?
- RICKY: Sam probably brought a camera crew.
[music continues]
- She's not that bad.
[music turns off]
Okay, she's exactly that bad. - Thank you.
- [sighs] What do you think the big announcement is?
- I was sworn to secrecy.
- By who?
By Sam?
Fine. Fuck it. I don't want to know.
- Sam has breast cancer. That's it.
- What did you say?
- I don't mean that's it like "That's it."
- Did you say Sam has cancer?
- Yeah, she's making some big old
social media event bullshit out of it.
- How do you know all this?
- She told me at Jens' party.
She said she wasn't telling anybody, so.
- Wait, that party was this past Sunday.
- You've known all week and you didn't say anything?
- Sam's keeping it a secret.
- No, you are.
- Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay?
- Why? Because my mother?
Because you knew this could ruin my entire weekend?
- Yeah, yeah. - But you did tell me.
Just not soon enough for me to decide if I was ready
to deal with this shit or not.
I'm not going to stand there and cry
for half a million followers.
Fuck that.
- RICKY: Seriously?
Hey, it's not too late. We can still leave.
- Babe! Are you serious?
- Oh, yeah, I'm serious.
- Did you unfollow me or did you just never follow me?
- I don't know.
- I can't wait to see inside.
Okay, there's my rock, holding a rock.
He keeps me grounded. [chuckles]
- There's no key. - Did you try the door?
- No.
- Good thing it's unlocked.
- That's weird.
- Babe, don't forget the champagne. Come on.
[to camera] We made it! There's a pool table.
- Hello? - Oh, my gosh.
I'm so excited to take you guys along with us
on this weekend journey.
Oh, look, there's a record player.
- DWAYNE: Hello?
- Babe, I hope they have Johnny Cash. Jesus!
- WOMAN: Oh, my God. - Are you the property manager?
- WOMAN: Oh, my God. Don't hurt me, please!
I'll give you whatever you want!
- Nobody's going to hurt you. - WOMAN: Richard!
- We're not gonna do anything to you, lady. - WOMAN: Don't touch me!
- DWAYNE: Calm down. - No, don't come near me!
Richard. Richard!
- Put your hands down, Liz.
And apologize for the theatrics.
- [laughing]
I'm sorry.
- RICHARD: Now, what can we do for you?
- Sir, checkout was at noon.
- Lucky for me, I don't own a watch.
- How about if I take that and put it in the fridge?
I can show you where the kitchen is.
It's really beautiful.
- Okay.
- Sir, you and your wife seem like lovely people,
but you need to leave.
- Don't call me sir.
- Okay.
- [phone chimes] - SAM: Oh, my gosh.
You guys will not believe
who the universe sent into my journey.
We have my new soul sister,
- Liz. - Liz. Say hi.
- Hi. - [overlapping chatter]
- SAM: Fuck. - Turn that shit off.
LIZ: Richard, relax. It is just a phone.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just a bit of a technophobe.
- He hates being recorded. - I wasn't talking to you.
- SAM: Yeah, I'm fine.
- By the way, I love your scarf.
- Thank you. It's vintage.
- What do you like about me?
- Can we talk? - RICHARD: Liz, stop that.
- Seriously. What do you like about me?
- You have nice hair.
- That's true.
- Can we talk? - RICHARD: Liz.
- What, you don't agree?
- Liz gets hung up on worth.
- Richard jerks off to pornographic cave paintings.
[Richard laughs suddenly]
- She's not wrong. - Ew.
- You done? - What?
- You done with your little song and dance?
- So I guess you were expecting someone else
to answer the door.
- Yeah, we're meeting our friends here, so--
- Of course.
Friendship is so important at your age.
- Fuck that. Fuck her and fuck you.
- Excuse me. Can I help you?
- I'm sorry. That was for him, not for you.
Who are you?
- I was just about to ask you the same question.
- RICHARD: Who's here? - I'm not sure, but she's feisty.
- Hey, hey, hey, nobody's being feisty, relax.
We just don't know who you are and you're in our house.
- Hold on, sweetie. This is my house.
- No, actually,
we're staying here with our friends this weekend.
- Do I look like your friend?
- What's going on, dear?
- These folks are looking for their friends.
- You staying around here? - No, we're staying here.
- Sorry. Must have the wrong place or the wrong day.
- No, we have the right place and it's the right night.
- Well, maybe we made a mistake.
Either way, come inside while we figure this out.
We don't want to tease the coyotes.
- No, hey. Nia, hey, psst.
- DWAYNE: Checkout was at noon.
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I might ask you the same question, Mr. Man.
Barging in here without knocking.
You scared the shit out of me.
- We were looking for our friends.
- They're meeting us here.
- Well, what do they look like? Maybe we've seen them.
- Ricky's Cuban. He has long hair.
- Carrie is a pretty redhead. - What, like me?
- Liz hasn't been a real redhead since the proof was fashionable.
- Does Carrie have proof or does she wax?
- I hate to change the subject,
but we haven't seen anyone all day, have we, hon?
- No, we haven't seen any redheaded Latinos.
All we've seen is one big...
beautiful...
black man.
- And his bald girlfriend. - [gasps]
- Hey, dude! - The fuck?
- My mistake. - Got that right.
- Look, we rented this house a week ago.
- LIZ: How was your stay?
- That's not what I meant.
- You liked it so much you just wanted to come back up
and share a weekend with us?
- No, what I mean is you're not supposed to be here.
We rented this house for the weekend. We can prove it.
Can't we, babe? - My pleasure.
- Babe, just open the app.
- Can't open the app without Wi-Fi.
- Well, what's the Wi-Fi code?
- Wi-Fi code is embedded in the PDF,
which I can't open 'cause there's no signal.
- Catch-22.
- I told you to take a screenshot.
What's the Wi-Fi code?
- Sorry, we don't own a computer.
- There's got to be a way. - There's not.
- The fuck?
- Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetie.
We all make mistakes.
- [sighs] Jesus.
- You know what? I'm going to call Carrie.
- The sexy redhead with no bush?
- Men. You can't live with them,
but what else are you gonna fuck?
[both laugh]
- Hey, Care Bear, we're here.
You guys will probably be late
'cause of some Ricky bullshit,
but there's some weird old white couple here that--
Just get here.
["Doo Wop Does He" by Grace Mesa resumes]
- ♪ Did he notice ♪ - [screams]
♪ Ooh, la ♪
♪ When I looked back at him ♪
♪ My heart was fluttering ♪ ♪ Na na, na na ♪
♪ Does he, does he ♪
- ♪ Ooh, la ♪ - [shrieks]
[distorted music continues]
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ I know it's... ♪
[Jesse gasps]
- Looking for these?
[Jesse screams]
- No.
- [crying]
[Jesse screams]
- [screaming continues] - [shower curtain ripping]
[on voicemail] - Hey, you've reached Dwayne.
It's that busy season.
I'm either with a--another call.
Please leave your num--
Get back--you just as soon as I c--
Thanks.
- Hey Dee, it's me.
Um, so there is this really weird old couple here
and they say that they rented the place instead of us.
Any chance you could just forward me the confirmation?
Do even have the right weekend?
[clattering, door closes]
- Any luck with Sam?
- I can't get ahold of her. There's barely any service.
- So what are we going to do about these two?
- Hey, dudes.
- We could kill him.
Follow my lead.
[jazz music plays on stereo]
- Look what I found.
- No man, we're good.
- Oh, more for me.
- RICHARD: Oh. Now I understand.
- I'd offer you some,
but this would probably melt your face off.
- This might be laced with PCP.
- Any luck reaching your friends?
- They're on their way.
They got a flat a few miles back.
- Oh, that's unfortunate.
- [chuckles]
So they confirmed this is the house you rented?
- Yeah, they said Albee Road.
- LIZ: Richard, maybe we should leave.
- Don't you want to meet their fun friends?
- Only if they're bringing more booze.
- Wait, so you guys drank that all by yourselves?
- So what if we did, Mr. Man?
It's our anniversary.
[jazz music continues]
- Another deceased caucasian female in there,
two in the bedroom, one in the bathroom,
and this guy.
You can put that down. He's already dead.
- That's five.
- I'm calling it in. - Hold on. Wait a second.
Don't call yet.
- What are you talking about?
- Our town has never seen anything like this.
- Yeah, which is why I'm calling the state police.
- Yeah, but this is our crime scene.
It should be our jurisdiction. It's our case.
- Klein for Dispatch. I need the state police...
and a shit ton of body bags.
[door closes]
- You okay?
- Did you call the Staties?
- Yeah.
But...
...we could still solve this.
- That's not funny.
- Not a joke.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Well, till they get here, this is still our crime scene.
- Ah, there's no time.
- We got, like, 20 minutes.
- You and me, we're gonna solve the...
biggest homicide in Chester County in 20 minutes?
- Yep.
- All right? Done.
[jazz music continues]
- Where's my girlfriend?
- Any luck getting ahold of your friends?
- They're not picking up. Where is Sam?
- I think she's in the bathroom making videos.
- LIZ: What time did they leave LA? - About an hour ago. Sam!
- Well, good. That gives us some time
to get to know each other before we toss your asses
out to the coyotes.
[Liz and Richard laugh]
- Where's the fucking bathroom?
- It's through there.
- Sam.
Sam. - Hey.
- [gasps] - Sorry. I think we should leave.
These people are really fucking freaking me out.
They're really weird.
- Hey, this is your weekend.
Nothing's going to happen to you while I'm here.
These people are harmless. They just want attention.
- You promise?
- Let's get you those sponsors.
- Champagne? - Jesus.
- A toast.
- Mmm.
To new friends.
- [chuckles] - [chuckles] Oh, what?
Mmm.
The good stuff. - Mm-hmm.
- This is some of the best Scotch money can buy.
- This shit?
- They only sell this to connoisseurs...
and douchebags.
So...
which one are you?
- RICHARD: Hmm.
Hard to say.
I just found this in the cupboard.
- LIZ: What a beautiful night.
- You come out here a lot?
- Every chance we get.
We love the seclusion.
- Even the Mormons leave us alone.
- It's too bad. Those boys give great head.
- So are you two swinger or something?
Because you should know, we are not interested.
- No, dear.
We're just two out-of-work actors
not afraid to research a role, to dig deep.
- Film or television?
- Oh, we prefer the "thea-tah."
- We're actors.
- Richard used to be a mime. - Low blow.
But I was the best mime in the square.
- So you don't like movies?
- No, I like a good film.
But when the house lights come up,
I'd like a fair shot at banging the lead.
- Is that how you two met?
- That's how I meet a lot of men.
- Samantha, what's your favorite movie?
- I don't want to say. - Oh, let me guess.
"Breakfast at Tiffany's."
- SAM: Nope.
[mockingly] - "An Affair to Remember."
- RICHARD: I know.
"Guess Who's Coming to Dinner."
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It was a joke.
- A bad joke
from 50 years ago.
- Relax, bro.
- Uh, it's "Jaws." - Really?
- Yeah. When I was little,
it was the only VHS tape my dad had
and my brother and I would watch it all the time.
- Did you hear that, Richard?
What's the matter with "Jaws"?
- Hollywood used to come to the theaters
looking for talent,
but after "Jaws".
they just hire a special effects guy
to fist-fuck a puppet through a rehashed morality tale.
- [whispers] They say profanity is a sign of intelligence.
- [also whispers] Do they say that?
- Fuck superheroes, fuck George Lucas
and fuck "Jaws."
- [sings Jaws theme] Doo doot.
Doo doot. Doo doot.
Doo doot, doo doot, doo doot, doo doot, doot do.
[claps]
- We're going to need a bigger boat.
- The actual line is "You're going to need a big boat."
- RICHARD: I'm sorry, you don't get it.
Our memories are flawed to protect us
and to make our lives seem meaningful.
- More champagne?
- Dwayne doesn't like champagne. - [chuckles]
- That's right.
I prefer scotch.
A toast.
- Do you know that Liz
drank an entire bottle of champagne
on our wedding night?
- What happened? - I don't know if I should say.
Have they legalized sodomy yet?
- Richard! Jesus. - [chuckles]
- Dwayne was about to make a toast.
- A toast.
To putting all our cards on the table.
- RICHARD: What does that mean?
- I'd like to see your email confirmation.
- I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- Can't open the confirmation without the Wi-Fi code.
- Because you didn't take a screenshot. - Exactly.
- It's getting kind of cold out here.
I think I'll go inside.
- RICHARD: What did I say?
Was it the sodomy thing?
[Liz playing piano] - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
- There you go. You forgot this.
[singing continues]
- When do you think this place was built?
- I would say the late '40s.
But why do you care about a building's birthday?
- I don't care, man. I'm just making small talk.
- A building's just a container, right?
- I guess.
- You like the Beatles? - Of course.
- Which one's your favorite?
- That's-- That's a tough one.
- Gun to your head. Who's your favorite?
- I'd say John.
- He's great, right? - Yeah.
- But nobody gives a shit about John Lennon's mother
or her fucking birthday. [chuckles]
[plays discordant notes]
- Richard has some issues with
[low voiced] women.
- Don't all men?
- What's Ricky's issue?
- Wait. I don't have any problems with women.
- Your girlfriend says you do.
- No, that's not what I said.
- Yeah, you did. You said, "Don't all men?"
- What? No. - Yeah.
You said, "Don't all men" have issues with women.
- I-- I didn't mean what I said.
- Well, does Ricky know the difference?
- Between what?
- Between what a woman says and what a woman means.
[discordant tones play]
- Wait. I support women as much as the next guy.
- More than most.
- What year... did women get the right to vote?
- He doesn't know the answer to that.
- I might.
- You don't.
- LIZ: It was a trick question. We've always had the right.
- RICHARD: Even I knew that.
- Well, Carrie, let me ask you,
on what day were women actually allowed to vote?
- I don't know. You tell me.
- I'm sorry. Is that offensive?
- Is what offensive? - Allowed.
I used the word "allowed"
as if it wasn't something you fought for
or, I mean, they fought for.
- I'm not offended. Maybe just a little confused.
- I mean, you didn't actually fight for anything, right?
I mean, I don't mean you exactly,
but I am including you.
- What she means is your generation
really hasn't furthered the women's movement.
- She understands me, Richard. - Of course I do.
I just don't think I deserve to be lumped in
with my entire generation.
- Well, maybe you have a problem with women.
[Richard chuckling]
I know I do.
- [whispering] Thanks for defending me, asshole.
[1920's swing jazz playing]
- Mind if I join you?
- Sure.
Five bucks a game.
- Make it 20.
Rack 'em.
- LIZ: No matter what the occasion,
women always migrate to the kitchen.
- We're well trained.
- When we were newlyweds, I gave Richard food poisoning.
Now he won't even let me near the microwave.
- [chuckles] You're funny.
- So, when did you find out you were sick?
- What do you mean?
- It's okay, dear. You can say it.
- Say what?
- Just say the word. It'll help. Trust me.
- What word?
- Sam, just say it.
- Cancer?
- But without the question mark.
- [sighs] Cancer.
- There you go.
You feel better?
Well, probably not.
But you can't break out of a cage
if you don't know you're in it.
- How could you tell?
- I can see it in your eyes.
So, when did you find out?
- About a week ago.
- Are you scared?
- A little.
Okay. A lot.
- I was, too.
But with a cheap oncologist and an expensive wig,
you'll be fine.
- You had cancer?
- I still do.
I'm in remission.
Six months.
And that's why we're out here celebrating.
- Did you lose your hair? - Ah, it's hard to tell, huh?
Don't look too close. [chuckles]
- I was gonna shave my head last night,
but I didn't want Dwayne to freak out.
- Smart girl.
How's he taking it?
- I haven't told him yet.
I was, um-- I was gonna tell everybody tonight.
- Over a big expensive bottle of champagne, and I opened it.
- It's okay.
At least I had somebody here to help me drink it.
- We sure were.
- [laughs] I was gonna throw this... party
to celebrate my inevitable victory over cancer.
God, it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud.
- It's not stupid, darling. You're an optimist.
- No, I just really-- I just really like parties,
especially if they're for me, you know.
- It's not a very big party for a girl with a million friends.
- It's only half a million, and they're just followers.
I don't have that many friends actually.
- Oh, come on. A pretty girl like you?
- And I'm just not ready for any of this to be real.
- Let me tell you, the cancer is real.
But don't just sit around waiting for it to kill you.
- BLAKE: Master bedroom. Two deceased.
Black male, mid-to-late 30s.
Stab wound to the upper right abdomen.
Does not look self-inflicted.
- BOBBY: Female, early 30s, Caucasian.
Ligatures around the neck and a garotte...
from a scarf.
That's kinky.
So, what do you thinking, an orgy?
I bet an orgy gone horribly wrong obviously.
This could be like a...
autoerotic asphyxiation kind of thing. Right?
- With a little knife play?
- Yeah. But who staged them like this?
["The Flower Duet" by Lo Delibes]
[billiard balls clacking]
- So, you're new to acting?
- Started in college after I broke my shoulder.
- Oh.
Football?
- Pole vaulting.
Pole snapped, and I missed the pad.
- So, how did that lead to acting?
- My therapist thought it might help take my mind off
of my lost scholarship and failed athletic career.
- So, you gave up your own life to live someone else's.
- Yeah.
Sounds corny, but it helped a lot.
- Makes this all seem silly, right?
- What?
This? Tonight?
- Yeah.
Four people...
arguing over which couple gets to stay in the house
with four bedrooms.
- You have a point.
- Well, there you are. - I'm not hiding.
- Yeah, then what is it exactly that you're doing?
- I'm being on vacation. You should try it.
- I don't think you fully appreciate this situation.
- And what's that?
- The weekend's a bust.
Your friends aren't coming.
And these swinging hippies--
- They're not swinging hippies.
- I'll take that back.
- Richard! - Hey, shut up, will you?
- Liz! - Shh. What are you doing?
Get your shit together. We're getting out of here.
[Carrie chuckles]
- What's your hurry?
What's her name?
- Care Bear. Right?
That's what he calls you.
- That's long ago. - Nah, fuck this. I'm out.
- RICHARD: So, what do you do for a living?
- I sell Korean computer parts
to a few Japanese factories in the Midwest.
[Richard chuckles]
- "Made in the USA," huh?
- We prefer the term "assemble."
- Have you been to Asia?
- Sam and I are going to Tokyo in the fall.
- You're gonna love it.
Back in the '80s,
I went to Japan to do research for a role.
It's a beautiful country.
- Wait a minute. You played an Asian?
- Not like Hepburn or Rooney.
I just straightened my hair and changed my I's to R's.
- Well, you can't do that anymore.
- Oh, I know. But why not?
- 'Cause you're not Asian.
- Well, I'm not Danish either.
But I've played Hamlet eight times.
[opera music continues
[billiard balls clacking]
Damn.
- "God hath given you one face,
and you make yourself another,"
Richard. [pats shoulder]
- [radio ]...gearing up for what some fear could...
- Hey, sweetie.
You're not gonna find a motel room out here.
It's Memorial Day weekend.
- I'll drive to L.A. I don't give a fuck.
- Right.
And leave your girlfriend here with us?
Honey, we're strangers.
- Our friends are on their way.
You keep saying that,
but I don't really think you believe it.
- Fuck!
- Do you feel better?
- What are you thinking?
- I think it's obvious.
- Sure. But specifically?
- [laughs] Well, self-explanatory
because of the way her clavicle is--
- Yeah. Moving on.
- [sighs]
Hey, I also--
["Miss Lindy" by Larry & the Lamplighters]
♪ Have you ever Met Miss Lindy? ♪
♪ She's the gal With the bright red hair ♪
♪ Now she stands out From all the rest ♪
♪ You'd know her anywhere ♪
♪ Well, she's mine ♪
♪ Yeah, she's mine ♪
♪ Well, I love That little girl ♪
♪ With the bright red hair ♪
♪ Well Miss Lindy My Miss Lindy ♪
- Don't stop on my account.
- You don't give me much choice.
- Where did Ricky go?
- You never know with him.
- Hmm. - What about Liz?
- That's easy.
She's a creature of habit.
- I feel like you two needed this weekend
to go a certain way.
- We're networking.
Trying to salvage her career.
- Ah, let me guess.
She's too old to play the girlfriend
and too skinny to play the mom.
- Exactly.
- And, ironically, as her body gets worse,
her acting improves.
You should tell her to write her own scripts,
give herself the best parts.
She needs to take control.
- I'm sorry.
No. Hey. No. Look, listen.
That-- That's not happening.
- So, who won?
- Well, the bard was winning.
- But I unintentionally... - Scratched on the eight ball.
- [chuckles] You're familiar with my work.
[Liz chuckles]
Here you go. You forgot this.
- SAM: Babe, it's getting late. What do you wanna do?
- I think Dwayne is about to be very drunk.
- He's not wrong.
- What do you wanna do about Ricky and Carrie?
- They're probably sitting in another house
with another nice couple...
- Safe and sound.
-...wondering where you're at.
- So, how long you two been actors?
- Over 30 years.
- Dwayne started acting after he blew out his knee.
- RICHARD: It was his shoulder.
- Same difference.
- He played Judas in "The Passion Play."
- You didn't tell me you played Judas Iscariot.
- He was very good.
- DWAYNE: Wasn't easy.
- How could it be?
He saw the miracles and betrayed him anyway
for just 40 pieces of silver.
- That was 30.
- Well, most men would need at least 40
just to consider it.
- Only 30.
- Would you have done it for less?
- What do you mean?
- Dwayne knows what I mean.
He's done the work.
Would you have done it for less?
- It wasn't about the money.
- That's right.
It's never about the money.
And Jesus had to die that night
and someone had to betray him.
- And God chose me.
- That's right. God made Judas do it.
- Exactly. - God betrayed Judas.
- He chose me.
- He betrayed you.
- [laughs] That's right.
- [chuckles] Look at that, Liz.
He's got the goods. - Mm-hmm.
- [laughs] I don't have anything.
- Bullshit, man. You're a listener.
And acting is listening.
- And reacting.
- Yes, of course acting is reacting.
But you can't react if you're not listening,
and Dwayne's a listener.
[Dwayne chuckles]
But more importantly...
...he's not drunk.
- Come on, babe. Let's-- - I wasn't sure
until I smelled the Ficus
he was watering with that very expensive scotch.
It's an old salesman's trick.
See, the scotch is a prop, mostly for me.
It loosens him up, and it tells me I can...
...let down my guard.
- SAM: Okay, we're leaving.
- No.
Fuck this guy. I ain't going anywhere.
- Then give me the keys.
Give me the fucking keys!
- You can't go yet.
[scoffs] You haven't revealed your little secret.
- Secret. What are you talking about?
- It's kind of obvious if you're paying attention.
- What is, asshole?
- I was, um--
I was gonna tell you tonight.
- Sam has breast cancer.
- Oh, my God. [discordant tone on piano plays]
- I probably shouldn't have said that.
- What is she talking about?
- [whispering] I'm sorry.
[door closes]
- Why do you think she was wearing that ridiculous scarf?
[suspenseful music playing]
- Yo, I thought you were leaving.
- Not without you.
- What a gentleman.
- Did you have fun?
- Playing hard to get. You?
- Richard's not my time. - Shut up. We're leaving.
Show me the confirmation.
- I'd rather not.
- Richard, maybe we should leave.
- Richard, maybe you should listen to your wife.
- She's just saying that to seem polite.
She knows we're not going anywhere.
- Guilty.
- Then show us the key.
- Try to see it from our perspec-- - Where's the fucking key?
- [laughs]
Ah, the weed must have worn off, huh, Cheech?
- Nah, man. It's just kicking in.
Now, show me the goddamn key.
- Why should I?
- If you show it to us, we'll leave.
- What if I don't want you to leave?
I mean, we haven't finished our game.
- Fuck you. We're out of here.
- I'll show you the key. - You will?
- I don't have it. Do you, Lizzie?
- Oh.
- Fuck this shit. - RICHARD: Wait a minute.
I think I saw it earlier.
It's in the bedroom.
- It is?
[light knocking]
Sam?
- I'll be out in a minute.
- Please don't be upset with me.
- Please go away.
- It just slipped out.
- Leave me alone.
- RICHARD: You didn't know, huh?
- Sam does not have cancer.
- I'd be in denial, too.
I bet she's got great tits.
[knife clicks]
- Come on, man. We don't have to do this.
[Richard laughing]
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What do you want from us?
- I'd like to fuck your girlfriend
while my wife eats my ass.
How about you?
[groaning]
[wheezing]
- You weren't supposed to come in here.
I fixed the shower curtain with some packing tape
I found in a drawer in the kitchen.
- Oh, my God.
- I think I did a pretty good job,
but there is still quite a mess.
I tried to stop the bleeding, but I ran out of tape,
and the cuts were just way too deep.
Which is really for the best
because I don't need the competition.
- Dwayne! - I don't think Dwayne can hear you, dear.
[tense music]
- I found it!
- Well, that could be any key.
- So, what do you want me to do?
- Go outside... and prove it.
- O ye of little faith.
[chuckles]
See you in act three.
- They should have warned you about Richard.
He seems like a nice man,
but he doesn't like being embarrassed.
[door rattling]
It breaks his concentration.
He loses touch with who he is and who he's pretending to be.
[laughing]
[rattling continues]
- [groans] - Fuck.
Are you okay? Hey, hey.
Are you okay? Hey.
- It worked. - LIZ: Richard.
- I won. - Look what you did.
- You broke her fucking nose, man!
- She'll be all right.
- Sweetie, I don't mean to laugh.
There's a bathroom right in there.
I'll get you some ice.
[playing off-key]
[sinister laughing]
[keys ring]
[Sam screams]
I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your scarf.
[exhales]
[laughs, sighs]
[gasping]
[door slams]
[water running]
[breathing heavily]
- [knocking] - Come in.
- I've got some ice.
[door creaking]
Richard wanted me to tell you he was sorry.
- Can you get me my purse?
- Makeup isn't gonna help.
This is as good as your face is gonna look tonight.
[sighs]
- Can you just get me my purse?
- Of course.
["Wonder Valley" by Travis & Big Ralph]
♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪
- For the nerves.
I don't know why she was standing there.
I mean, I feel bad, but it's not my fault.
What did she think was gonna happen?
I guess she wasn't thinking.
- Man, can you please just shut the fuck up?
- ♪ And I chased her ♪ - [thud]
- ♪ To the valley ♪ - ♪ Doo-doot doo-doot doo
♪ Of our love And happiness ♪
♪ Now I'm stuck here ♪
♪ In a prison ♪
♪ For I killed-- ♪
["Flight by Midnight"] by Will Van De Crommert]
- "This is as good as your face is gonna look."
Fuck you.
[music stops]
- Here you go, Sam. Here's your purse.
Uh, Carrie.
[chuckles] Your name is Carrie.
Do yourself a favor, doll. Don't ever get old.
[door closes]
- My new best friend, soul sister Liz.
- Say hi, Liz. - Hi, Liz.
- RICHARD: Stop that shit. Turn that shit off.
- LIZ: Richard, relax. It is just a phone.
[door creaking]
By the way, I love your scarf.
- They were here. - [door creaks]
- I'm not supposed to say.
- What happened?
- Richard told me to keep my mouth shut.
- Why are you afraid of Richard? What did he do?
Are you in danger?
[laughing]
- No, sweetie. Just you.
[fighting sounds]
[screaming]
[screams]
[sound mutes]
["Wonder Valley" resumes] ♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah ♪
♪ Ooh wah, ooh wah
- Ricky, we're leaving.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Oh, my God! - Don't come any closer. Liz!
You don't wanna miss this.
- Why are you doing this? - We wanted a challenge.
We wanted to stretch ourselves. Liz!
- What did you do to our friends?
- Sam and Dwayne?
We had a lovely little time acting out a little play
I call Gut the Guests. Liz!
- This isn't a play.
- I could never tell.
- ♪ Now I'm stuck here ♪ - No!
- ♪ In a prison ♪ - No!
♪ For I killed ♪
♪ The one I love the best ♪
- Any more theories?
- Well, who called 911?
- Right. What happened to the survivor?
♪ In the valley ♪
♪ For the girl ♪
- ♪ I love the best ♪ - [grunts]
♪ And I chased her ♪
♪ To the valley ♪
♪ Of our love ♪
♪ And happiness ♪
- Listen, Elizabeth died a thousand times.
Ophelia, Lady MacBeth,
Juliet.
I wish I could've seen her final demise.
- I admit it was satisfying.
- Well, you're gonna enjoy putting that blade into me.
- I'm not gonna kill you, Richard.
- But you should. - Why?
Because you're the bad guy?
- No, because you are.
♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪♪
[grunting in pain]
- Oh, come on.
Hello. I'm at the house on Albee Road.
Hello. Can you hear me?
They're all dead.
They're all dead. I killed--
They're all dead!
[sobbing]
[handle rattling]
[yelling]
Fuck!
[sobbing]
Fuck!
[gasping]
[grunts in pain]
Ricky.
Oh, my God.
We should've left. It's all my fault.
I have to go get help.
[light creaking]
[music starts] ♪ Ooh-wah, ooh-wah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, I wandered In the valley ♪
♪ Of the girl I loved the best♪♪
[door closes]
[dramatic music plays]
- Goddamn it. Where is this fucking house?
- I thought you knew.
- No! Please!
- I thought they were just dry humpers.
- You know what? This is a 911 call, okay?
- So this could be a matter of life or death.
- [drink can pops open] - The fuck is that?
- Please!
No!
- What the fuck is that? - Help!
- It's a cry for help or a desperate coping mechanism.
Okay, here come the party police.
- [siren blaring] - Give this to me.
- Please! - Jesus!
- Goddamn it.
- No!
[flesh squishes]
[siren fading]
[toilet flushes]
- So the gal's in the bathroom,
they were fighting over this guy.
- Is that your professional opinion?
- BOBBY: It's a joke.
- Isn't it more likely the murderer escaped?
- Yep. You're probably right. You're always right.
- You okay?
- [sighs] Why don't you come by tomorrow
and sign the papers?
- Thank you.
- Also, you know, you could do a lot worse than Charlie.
- Violence!
[gunshot]
[grunts]
- Liz. - [groans]
- It'll be okay.
- Maybe not this time.
- Did you enjoy yourself?
- I really did.
- We'll do it again next year.
[Liz grunts]
- Maybe... the mountains.
- The cabin overlooking the lake.
- That would be nice.
[Liz groans]
[sniffles]
["What We Do" by Zeke Duhon]
♪ When it can go to it ♪
♪ I never heard ♪
♪ The sound of it ♪
♪ Grave mistake ♪
♪ A gentle, patient lover ♪
♪ Both eyes ahead of us ♪
♪ We won't know ♪
♪ What's left of us ♪
♪ This is one bet ♪
♪ I would not trust on winning ♪
♪ What you do is up to you ♪
♪ If it were me ♪
♪ I would just leave ♪
♪ What you do Is up to you ♪
♪ Doubtfully embrace and pray♪♪
[music fades]
[children shouting in distance]
[woman crying]
[baby crying]
[gunshot]
- [bird cawing] - [wings flutter]
[woman vocalizing]
["Valley" by Teen Mortgage]
[music fades]