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{\an8}Okay, bozos. Listen up.
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00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,740
It's that time of year.
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00:00:05,930 --> 00:00:09,820
The Gonzales family neighborhood barbecue.
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00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:12,370
- Awoo!
- [All] Awoo!
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00:00:12,570 --> 00:00:13,870
That's enough.
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00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:16,910
Mondo, Ryan, you're on fireworks,
as usual.
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Don't know how you can top last year.
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00:00:18,820 --> 00:00:21,380
It'll come to me. I am but a vessel.
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00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:23,880
The aztec god of fire, xiuhtecuhtli,
speaks through me.
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00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,380
Plus, I have a cool app.
We can do 3D renderings of the explosions.
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00:00:27,580 --> 00:00:29,720
The merging of the ancient
with the modern.
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00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,550
This is how civilization progresses.
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00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:34,260
Just like when santana played
with the matchbox 20 guy.
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Rollie. Beer duty.
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00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:37,850
Got it. Can't wait.
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Beer duty means
you get beer for other people,
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00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:41,650
not just you drink a lot of beer.
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00:00:41,850 --> 00:00:43,820
- What?
- [Jay] I got the playlist.
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00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:46,530
Jay's rump-shaker backyard bangerz
was a big hit last year.
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Just a reminder,
Denise and the girls will be here.
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All the songs will be kidz bop versions.
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I've got another job for you.
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The giant hole in the deck
that's big enough
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for a person to fall through, fix it.
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Why is that our job?
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Hey, if I wanted to,
I could punch a hole in this deck.
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No chance.
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Oh, yeah. Right. We'll fix it.
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Rafa, you have two jobs.
Be my perfect little angel,
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and also rat on your uncles
whenever they do something extra stupid.
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Done and done.
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[Clears throat] What about me?
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You're head of security.
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I'm always head of security.
No one takes me seriously
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because you never let me bring
my crossbow.
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This year, I'm bringing my crossbow.
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- No, you're not.
- Fine. Then I'm at least eye gouging.
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- No eye gouges.
- Oh, but it's fine for you to do it
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at Walmart on black Friday?
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Tvs were $60, Mike!
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[Theme music playing]
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Hey, rafa. What time should
we be there Monday?
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Labor day at the Gonzales house
starts around 2:00
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and ends whenever any of the uncles
get into a fistfight.
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So, I'd get there by 2:30.
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[Mya] Sweet.
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I moved from Dallas when I was eight
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and I think that was the last time
I had good Mexican food.
49
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:05,900
The past few years have just been
German sausage and European fish stew.
50
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,400
They didn't even have taco bell?
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Oh, I love taco bell, dawg.
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If I ever get the courage to smoke weed,
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I'm gonna get super high
and eat so much taco bell.
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Actually, it's usually
just a straight barbecue
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but I could ask my mom
to make some Mexican stuff.
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She is an awesome cook.
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Nice. All right. I'll see you all Monday?
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Hey. You guys gotta help me out,
all right?
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You know how insane the barbecue gets.
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I need you to shield Mya
and her family from the worst of it.
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Yeah, yeah. We got you.
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Oh, remember a few years ago?
The lighter fluid fight?
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Was that the same year that
Mike did the nunchuck demonstration
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00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,140
then choked out that old man
and woman?
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No, no. It was the year that
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Jay barbecued Ryan's favorite briefcase
and then fed it to him.
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Yeah, this is what I mean
when I say the worst of it.
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Blue comets, green chrysanthemums,
red and gold crossettes.
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This will be the story our ancestors
have passed down since time immemorial.
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An erotic tale of courage,
perseverance, and human frailty.
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Told through explosives.
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Got it. Now, when you say erotic,
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what fireworks would you say
are the horniest?
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Roman candles, bottle rockets,
whistling petes?
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- Snakes.
- Of course.
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[Miguel]
Planning out this year's fireworks?
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- Can I help?
- No.
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You're not ready.
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[Miguel] You said that last year
and the year before that.
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How long are you gonna make me wait?
I'm 16.
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00:03:23,380 --> 00:03:26,850
That is way too young.
No, this is grown man stuff.
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Call me when you file your taxes.
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Wait, do you do your taxes?
Because literally call me.
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I can help you for a reasonable fee.
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00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,670
I know who you are. I don't need this.
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Hamburgers, hotdogs,
ribs, chips, plates, beer.
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Anything else?
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Well, Mya and her family are coming
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and they haven't had
good Mexican food in years
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because her dad was stationed overseas.
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So, I was wondering
if maybe you could cook something?
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I think that's a great idea.
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Uh, Mexican food?
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Wait, hold on.
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We should just stick to the regular
barbecue plan. It's tradition.
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00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:05,980
Or we could eat nothing.
Fasting is a very spiritual experience.
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00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:08,230
You guys can cook
all your regular barbecue stuff.
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I will handle the extras.
Tacos, tortas, my famous tamales.
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And rafa, you can help me.
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00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,620
You're actually older than I was when
I taught myself how to cook Mexican food.
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00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,120
All right. I'm gonna go to the store
to get everything we need.
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00:04:19,230 --> 00:04:21,240
[Gasps] I'm so excited.
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[Ryan] Exciting.
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[Door closes]
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- What the hell, primo?
- What'd I do?
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Men, we have to tell him.
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Are you sure?
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It's time.
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[Upbeat music playing]
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Your mother is not who you think she is.
She can't cook Mexican food.
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What are you talking about?
Her Mexican food is amazing.
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No. Our Mexican food is amazing.
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When your mother was 12 years old,
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our mom, your grandma,
Got hooked on penny slots.
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she would disappear for days at a time.
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and drea took care of us.
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[young Andrea] More food's ready, guys.
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I didn't have a lot to work with
but I hope it's okay.
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[Jay] She was so proud of feeding us
That we couldn't bear to break her heart.
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from that moment on, we made a pact
To never tell her the truth.
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there's more where that came from.
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None of this stuff is the right color.
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Just shut up and eat it.
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[Jay] And eat it, he did.
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we all did.
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It wasn't her fault.
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She never had the right ingredients,
so she improvised.
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We were so good at lying,
she came to believe
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her way of doing it was somehow better.
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00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:43,070
All these years, she thought
she reinvented Mexican cuisine.
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But really,
she was giving us free colonics.
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You guys are messing with me.
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- How bad could it be?
- [Rollie] How bad could it be?
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00:05:50,860 --> 00:05:52,920
Have you seen the movie San Andreas?
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00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,600
it's like that.
But the earthquake is in your butt.
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Whenever she cooks Mexican food,
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we sneak around her back
and fix everything.
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This is a rite of passage
for every Gonzales man, primo.
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00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,060
Lying to your mother
to protect her heart and our guts.
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- No. No way.
- [Jay] Uh-hmm.
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Leave me out of this.
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You're already in, primo.
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So, you either help us
or you eat your mom's food
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00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:18,420
and waste away like a conquistador
getting montezuma's revenge.
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00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:22,070
Have you seen The exorcist?
It's like that.
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But the devil is in your butt.
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Primo, if we don't stop your mom
from cooking,
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00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:31,160
the entire San Antonio
Metro sewer system is doomed.
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00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,830
Have you seen the first 10 minutes
of Saving private Ryan?
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00:06:34,030 --> 00:06:36,960
it's like that. But your butt.
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- [All] That's it.
- [Rollie] That's it, right?
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00:06:38,370 --> 00:06:39,640
I got it, right? That's pretty good.
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00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,180
- It's actually like that, yes.
- Yeah.
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Hey, Frankie.
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El maestro.
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00:06:48,630 --> 00:06:49,630
good to see you.
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[Frankie] I didn't know
what you wanted this year,
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00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,700
so I, uh, I ordered some rare items.
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00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,190
Sloppy migraines, liquid pain,
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00:06:57,390 --> 00:06:59,610
astronaut assault, exploding babies.
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Excuse me.
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00:07:00,890 --> 00:07:04,150
Uh, you don't tell Michael Jordan
which shots to take, okay?
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00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:08,410
You don't tell Mozart
which trumpet to play or whatever.
164
00:07:08,610 --> 00:07:09,870
I don't know a lot about Mozart
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00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:12,370
but I do know a lot about my brother
and his genius.
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00:07:12,570 --> 00:07:15,580
Forgive Ryan.
He's very protective of my vision.
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00:07:15,780 --> 00:07:17,220
Show Frankie what we need.
168
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,150
Oh, my god. It's, it's beautiful.
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I'll have all this to you within the hour.
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Do we trust him?
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He'll come through. He always does.
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No, I mean, he took my tablet.
Is he gonna bring it back?
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00:07:35,380 --> 00:07:37,480
No. He's a dirtbag.
He's definitely gonna sell it.
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Oh. Oh, Frankie. Frankie!
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00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:43,480
They say the way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.
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That applies to women, too.
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00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:47,500
You learn to cook Mexican food like me,
you'll never be single.
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You've been single my whole life.
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By choice. Now focus.
180
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:56,330
You're about to learn
the secret recipe for quesadillas.
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00:07:56,530 --> 00:07:59,040
First, you take a tortilla, add cheese,
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and then my secret ingredients,
183
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:07,070
canned tuna, horseradish, and cinnamon.
184
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,180
I know. It might sound like
a bizarre combo
185
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:12,070
but you and your uncles love it, right?
186
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:14,910
Psst. Psst. Psst.
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00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:21,940
Do not, under any circumstances, let her
put a horseradish in that quesadilla.
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00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:23,580
Well, how am I supposed to stop her?
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00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,170
Switch it to this.
190
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,650
You want me to switch horseradish
with horseradish?
191
00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:30,490
It's not horseradish.
192
00:08:30,690 --> 00:08:33,240
It's a mixture of cooked onions,
peppers, and spices.
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00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,290
I call it the trojan horseradish.
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00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:38,250
I love that. Great name.
195
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:39,450
Right?
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00:08:39,530 --> 00:08:42,380
Because it protects everything
that goes inside, like a condom.
197
00:08:42,580 --> 00:08:43,880
Never mind. You're an idiot.
198
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:48,170
Also, swap in this chicken for tuna
and swap out the cinnamon for cayenne.
199
00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:49,550
Go. Hurry, hurry.
200
00:08:49,750 --> 00:08:51,190
[Andrea] Okay.
201
00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:53,220
[Grunts]
202
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:57,450
I know. It looks like a lot of lard,
but believe me, we are gonna need it all.
203
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:01,190
[Upbeat music playing]
204
00:09:01,390 --> 00:09:04,270
Hey, hey, hey. Watch yourself, Eva.
205
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,280
Oh, not even a thank you?
206
00:09:06,470 --> 00:09:08,110
See, this is why I need my crossbow.
207
00:09:08,310 --> 00:09:09,310
To use on the kids?
208
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,570
Hey, you guys made it.
209
00:09:10,770 --> 00:09:12,320
Great.
210
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,870
There's no crossbow. So glad you came.
211
00:09:15,070 --> 00:09:17,700
Yes, we did. And this is my mom, Jackie.
212
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:19,000
Great to meet you, Jackie.
213
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,260
Oh.
214
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,130
I'm sorry. I thought we just met
215
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,540
but apparently you and I
have been friends for decades
216
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:28,760
and therefore, you feel it's appropriate
to address me by my first name.
217
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,880
Oh, no, no, no.
218
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,260
I, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Perkins.
I really wasn't trying to...
219
00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:36,820
- Can I talk to you?
- Uh-hmm.
220
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:39,640
I'm sorry. I knew that was gonna happen
221
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,920
and it was gonna freak you out
but I couldn't resist.
222
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,790
[Indistinct chatter]
223
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:49,900
These are delicious, Ms. Gonzales.
224
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,950
Thanks, Harris. The secret is cinnamon.
225
00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:54,160
Oh, I don't think I even tasted...
226
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,720
It's cinnamon, bro.
227
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,330
You guys never finished
fixing the hole in the deck.
228
00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:01,460
It is a serious safety issue.
229
00:10:01,650 --> 00:10:03,620
The food thing has taken up all our time.
230
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,710
There is a hole in the deck.
231
00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:07,310
Rollie, go get some cardboard.
232
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,130
What's going on, guys?
233
00:10:11,330 --> 00:10:13,610
I just had to stop uncle Mike
from explaining to Mya's mom
234
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:15,430
why he wants to shoot kids
with a crossbow.
235
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:17,640
What do you want from us?
There's too many of them.
236
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,860
They're running a five-on-two fast break
against us.
237
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,310
- Oh, no.
- [Rafa] What?
238
00:10:21,510 --> 00:10:23,600
Mya's brother came. He's the worst.
239
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,400
I heard, at his old school,
he gave a kid a wedgie so bad,
240
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:28,730
his butt crack grew like
two inches longer.
241
00:10:28,930 --> 00:10:30,030
- What?
- [Harris] Yeah.
242
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,870
[Rafa] I had no idea people
still did wedgies.
243
00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:35,450
That's how much of a dick he is.
He's like a time traveling dick.
244
00:10:35,650 --> 00:10:36,740
Oh.
245
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,370
Uh, yo, what's up, rock?
246
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:40,120
It's Rockwell. No small talk.
247
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,800
Does "what's up" count as small talk?
248
00:10:41,950 --> 00:10:44,120
My sister and I have lived
in seven different cities
249
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,580
and there's always some lame ass
trying to get with her.
250
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:50,090
She's too good to settle
for any of you losers.
251
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:51,340
Uh, but you just met us.
252
00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:54,110
Yeah. And I can already tell
you're losers.
253
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,070
So, which one of you losers is it?
254
00:10:57,940 --> 00:10:59,350
Primo, we need you.
255
00:10:59,550 --> 00:11:01,240
Oh, thank god. Nice meeting you, man.
256
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,660
So, you're clearly upset.
257
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,120
Eva, come here.
Help out your uncle Mike.
258
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,670
Still not secure. [Groans]
259
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,160
[Jay] Where are we at in the kitchen?
260
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,600
The rice is in the rice cooker.
261
00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:29,260
Please tell me she used
the caldo de tomate I left on the counter.
262
00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:30,340
Ketchup.
263
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,550
- Mother ...!
- She did it before I noticed.
264
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,090
She also started on some menudo.
265
00:11:34,290 --> 00:11:36,380
Is she crazy? That takes five hours!
266
00:11:36,580 --> 00:11:38,140
She called it her seven-minute menudo.
267
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:39,720
This is worse than I thought.
268
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,070
We need you to get your mom
out of the kitchen for at least 15 minutes
269
00:11:42,090 --> 00:11:43,970
while we try to turn
that abomination into food.
270
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:44,980
How do I do that?
271
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:46,480
I don't know. You're a teenager.
272
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,520
Complain about something.
Threaten to run away.
273
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,520
Just yell "I'm sick of this"
and start crying.
274
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,080
Do I have to think of everything?
Let's go.
275
00:11:56,290 --> 00:11:58,200
- You ready to make tamales?
- Uh-hmm.
276
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:02,530
Right. So normally, you would use masa
which is cornmeal
277
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,500
but I like to use matzoh,
278
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:07,660
which is a traditional Jewish cracker
made with flour and water.
279
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:08,860
Why?
280
00:12:08,990 --> 00:12:10,510
The first time I made them,
I had to borrow ingredients
281
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,920
from the Jewish family down the street
and your uncles went crazy for it.
282
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,550
You wouldn't think you could just
283
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:17,600
swap out ingredients
because they sound the same.
284
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:18,720
But you can. [Chuckles]
285
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:19,920
Wow.
286
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,360
You say tamale, I say tamazeltov.
287
00:12:24,530 --> 00:12:25,680
That's my little joke.
288
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,920
The Jewish family down the street
went crazy for it.
289
00:12:28,050 --> 00:12:29,050
[Rafa] Hey, ma.
290
00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:31,520
Can I talk to you about something
in the family room
291
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,320
for like at least 15 minutes?
292
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,630
Perfect. Tamales will be nice
and soaked through by then.
293
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,410
What's up, baby?
294
00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:48,710
So I was thinking,
this has been such a great barbecue.
295
00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:50,210
So much fun.
296
00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:53,000
Maybe we should just quit
while we're ahead, send everyone home.
297
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,210
What?
298
00:12:54,410 --> 00:12:56,960
Nobody's eaten and
we haven't even done the fireworks yet.
299
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,170
What are you...
300
00:12:58,370 --> 00:13:00,310
But there also haven't been
any lighter fluid fights
301
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:01,330
or regular fights.
302
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:04,010
It's the Gonzales family
neighborhood barbecue, rafa.
303
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:06,110
Since when are you worried
about how crazy things get?
304
00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:07,720
Ooh, do you remember the time
305
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,810
you and your uncles kept daring me
to shave that weird little dog
306
00:13:11,010 --> 00:13:13,270
and I did it and it turned out
it was a skunk?
307
00:13:13,470 --> 00:13:15,400
- Stinky barbecue.
- Stinky barbecue.
308
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,320
I was so drunk.
309
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,400
But also there's just...
310
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,280
You know, there's quite a few people here
that don't really know us.
311
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,200
Random example, off the top of my head,
312
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,810
Mya and her mom, and I don't want them
to get to know us.
313
00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:35,040
In my experience,
the people we want in our lives,
314
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,730
they're always gonna see
the truth about who we really are.
315
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:40,300
But, I get it.
316
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:43,800
The barbecue can get a little dicey.
317
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,000
I tell you what,
318
00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:47,760
I will make sure
that we keep a lid on things.
319
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,410
Deal?
320
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:53,850
- Oh, hold on.
- No, no, no, we have to talk longer.
321
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:56,790
[Whispering] Hurry up. Drop it.
Come on. Let's go, let's go.
322
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,590
It was primo's idea.
323
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,570
My best estimate,
all four movements together
324
00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:10,290
should last about 26 minutes give or take.
Then, a 45-second epilogue.
325
00:14:10,490 --> 00:14:13,170
Perfect. A symphony and a novel in one.
326
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:17,500
Lay out the fuses while I pray
for our ancestors to guide my hand.
327
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:20,090
Miguel, what are you doing
slithering around over here?
328
00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:21,630
Just watching.
329
00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:24,550
- Absolutely no watching. Security!
- Come on.
330
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:26,350
What seems to be the problem here?
331
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:27,700
Miguel's watching.
332
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:32,180
No watching.
That's how you get your eyes gouged, son.
333
00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:33,380
Beat it.
334
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,870
- Scoop his eyes out, Mike.
- [Mike] Is that what you want?
335
00:14:36,890 --> 00:14:38,210
You want your eyes scooped?
336
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,150
What do you mean
I can't cook Mexican food?
337
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:44,750
It's not that you can't cook Mexican food.
338
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,530
You did the best that you could
with what you had.
339
00:14:48,730 --> 00:14:51,260
But... help me out here.
340
00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:54,710
It's very bad and it hurts when we eat it.
341
00:14:54,910 --> 00:14:58,040
So, every time you've cooked
Mexican food, they've been fixing it.
342
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,970
For the last 25 years.
And just as a reminder, I'm only 16.
343
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,230
No.
344
00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:07,300
I don't buy it. [Scoffs]
345
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,310
I'm a great cook.
And we can settle this right now.
346
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,980
Two kinds of tamales.
347
00:15:13,170 --> 00:15:14,600
Yours and mine.
348
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,200
Let's let the people decide.
349
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:23,670
All we needed was 15 minutes, primo.
Now, half of us are gonna die.
350
00:15:25,630 --> 00:15:27,320
All right. Listen up, everybody!
351
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,070
It's a tamale taste test.
352
00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:31,620
Step right up.
353
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:33,290
- I'll do it.
- [Andrea] Perfect.
354
00:15:33,490 --> 00:15:34,890
Come on over.
355
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:39,770
- Try this one first.
- Okay.
356
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:45,220
Hmm.
357
00:15:45,420 --> 00:15:46,420
Wow, this is delicious.
358
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:48,090
Oh, is it?
359
00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:51,990
All right. Now, try this one.
360
00:15:54,990 --> 00:15:56,640
Is this supposed to look like that?
361
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,700
Just slurp it up, rookie.
362
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:01,660
No!
363
00:16:01,810 --> 00:16:03,570
[Indistinct chatter]
364
00:16:03,770 --> 00:16:05,090
Oh, that's disgusting.
365
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,530
I'm so sorry, Ms. Gonzales.
I don't know why I reacted like that.
366
00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:11,330
You've been in dusseldorf for 10 years.
367
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,930
What the hell do you know?
Get out of here.
368
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:18,120
All right. We need someone who knows
what the hell they're talking about.
369
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:22,380
Denise! Come on up here.
Move your ass, Denise.
370
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:26,860
All right.
Here we go. You love my tamales, right?
371
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,140
- No!
- [Woman gasps]
372
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,020
Where is my crossbow?
373
00:16:35,210 --> 00:16:36,490
Denise?
374
00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:42,710
Could my family all gather
in front of me right now?
375
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,710
[Upbeat music playing]
376
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,910
I have been cooking this food for you
for decades,
377
00:16:59,110 --> 00:17:01,420
pouring my heart into every meal.
378
00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:05,250
And you reward me with lies
and deception?
379
00:17:05,450 --> 00:17:07,880
You are the most despicable,
380
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,800
deceitful, sons of bitches
on god's green earth
381
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,890
and I hope that you and every one of you
382
00:17:16,090 --> 00:17:17,350
[indistinct]
383
00:17:17,550 --> 00:17:19,140
Get hit by a truck
384
00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:21,900
[indistinct]
385
00:17:22,090 --> 00:17:25,190
Filled with 4,000 pounds of shit
386
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:26,980
because that's what you are.
387
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,820
Trucks filled with [indistinct]
388
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:36,220
And you can burn
in the deepest depths of hell!
389
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,680
Dammit! Why didn't you fix this?
390
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,770
[Car alarm wailing]
391
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:51,550
[Dogs barking in distance]
392
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,070
Hey.
393
00:17:56,280 --> 00:18:00,640
I know it's not how you imagined,
but it was still beautiful.
394
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,900
Those fireworks exploding behind
drea's angry head,
395
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:05,370
it was visual poetry.
396
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:08,900
I mean, the face melters
went off at the exact moment
397
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,690
it looked like drea's face was melting.
398
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,590
[Chuckles]
399
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:14,880
Maybe you're right.
400
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:20,620
Sometimes I get too close to it.
I want it to be perfect.
401
00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:22,910
But the beauty of fireworks
is their ephemerality.
402
00:18:23,110 --> 00:18:24,520
Exactly.
403
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:29,250
I don't know what that word means
but yes, that's right.
404
00:18:29,450 --> 00:18:31,920
Guys, I found out who did it.
405
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,630
It was Miguel.
406
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:34,970
Great job, dud.
407
00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:37,320
This concludes my investigation.
408
00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:45,620
What you did was unforgivable.
409
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,780
But it was also bold and daring.
410
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:52,110
- You're ready.
- I am?
411
00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:54,650
You remind me of me when I was your age.
412
00:18:54,850 --> 00:18:58,380
And someday,
you'll be exactly like I am now.
413
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:02,410
Oh. I definitely don't want that.
414
00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:03,850
All right. Never mind.
415
00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:06,830
Good luck.
416
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:08,080
That kid sucks.
417
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,640
Right?
418
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:12,670
[Mya] So, how's your mom?
419
00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:14,470
well, once at one of the barbecues,
420
00:19:14,670 --> 00:19:17,640
the uncles managed
to set a library on fire
421
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,140
and she still talked to them afterward.
422
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:21,970
But she's not talking to any of us now.
423
00:19:22,170 --> 00:19:26,120
So, she is pretty mad.
424
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:31,570
Listen, I feel like I need to say
something about what went down.
425
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:34,400
I know what you're gonna say
and I'm so embarrassed.
426
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,320
Wait, you're embarrassed?
427
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,950
Yeah. My family is ridiculous.
428
00:19:39,150 --> 00:19:41,740
I played that joke on you with my mom
and it freaked you out
429
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,080
and that was unfair.
430
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,840
I kind of forgot we still don't
really know each other that well.
431
00:19:45,990 --> 00:19:48,460
And then she made your uncle ryan
Do all those pushups
432
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:52,130
and Rockwell told me he tried to
intimidate you guys like he always does.
433
00:19:52,330 --> 00:19:55,420
And I hit Mike with the tamale.
So, I'm sorry.
434
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:58,840
No. My family is crazy.
435
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,350
Your family is great.
436
00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:02,140
Your uncles have spent all these years
437
00:20:02,340 --> 00:20:03,930
trying to keep your mom happy.
438
00:20:04,130 --> 00:20:06,080
I mean, they were lying, but still.
439
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,700
[Upbeat music playing]
440
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,240
[Rafa] What's this?
441
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,530
[Andrea] Breakfast.
442
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:19,320
Apparently I don't know how to cook.
443
00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:20,800
So, I didn't cook.
444
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:24,220
To be fair,
nobody criticized your breakfast.
445
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:27,260
But, we can make breakfast.
446
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,310
And we'll go somewhere safe.
447
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,760
Ma, I know you're mad.
448
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,510
No, I'm not. I'm fine.
449
00:20:38,710 --> 00:20:40,430
You just fed everyone raw bacon.
450
00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:42,720
- Uh-hmm.
- Okay.
451
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,810
Good news. So it turns out that Mya
wasn't freaked out at all.
452
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:48,410
In fact, she says she thought
that it was sweet that our family
453
00:20:48,430 --> 00:20:51,980
is so close that your brothers would work
this hard to try to protect your feelings.
454
00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:53,940
So...
455
00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,580
i guess she did see us
for who we really are.
456
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,760
- See you after school.
- Uh-hmm.
457
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:06,590
[Sighs] Everyone, living room, now.
458
00:21:07,550 --> 00:21:09,750
What you all did was deceitful.
459
00:21:09,950 --> 00:21:12,330
I understand why you did it.
460
00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:16,380
But if this family is gonna stay together,
we cannot have secrets.
461
00:21:16,580 --> 00:21:19,670
So, if there's anything else
that you've been hiding from me
462
00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:22,510
or lying to me about, tell me now.
463
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:24,450
I promise I won't get angry.
464
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,520
Okay. I guess, I'll go first.
465
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,040
Um, I read your diary when we were kids.
466
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,880
Do you still wanna marry Aladdin?
467
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:41,200
You don't have to answer.
468
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:44,160
Um, I was the one
who crashed your car.
469
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:47,290
I know you crashed my car, Rollie,
because I was in it.
470
00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:48,950
Both my arms got broken.
471
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:52,170
No, that was a different time.
Like way before that crash.
472
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,830
Remember? I lied and said I got carjacked.
473
00:21:55,030 --> 00:21:57,300
- That was my car.
- [Rollie] It was?
474
00:21:57,500 --> 00:21:59,300
Well, you're not allowed
to get mad either.
475
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:00,820
Hey, somebody else go.
476
00:22:01,770 --> 00:22:05,600
I know I often say you're my best friend
but really it's my wife.
477
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,310
That's the way it should be.
478
00:22:07,510 --> 00:22:09,520
Also I found dad. He lives in Florida.
479
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,840
- [Both] What?
- [Mike] Whoa.
480
00:22:10,970 --> 00:22:13,200
It's fine. He's a horrible person.
481
00:22:14,790 --> 00:22:17,440
I also read your diary once.
482
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:20,240
But it was when we were adults.
483
00:22:20,430 --> 00:22:22,820
It was today actually like an hour ago.
484
00:22:23,020 --> 00:22:26,830
I picked it up by accident
then I really got sucked in.
485
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,340
You're an excellent writer.
486
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,120
[Clears throat]
I stole your skechers shape-ups
487
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,670
because they make me look taller.
488
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:35,330
You wear the same shoe size as drea?
489
00:22:35,530 --> 00:22:39,090
No, I ball my foot up like a little fist.
That's not the point.
490
00:22:39,290 --> 00:22:41,550
Look, we all came clean.
But what about you?
491
00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:44,510
This goes both ways. Is there
anything that you wanna confess to us?
492
00:22:44,710 --> 00:22:47,400
Anything that you've ever
lied to us about?
493
00:22:49,030 --> 00:22:50,390
You really can't see me?
494
00:22:50,590 --> 00:22:51,950
Who said that?
495
00:22:53,870 --> 00:22:55,900
Drea. I'm right here.
496
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:57,650
[Andrea] Oh...
497
00:22:57,850 --> 00:22:59,770
Oh my god.
You look exactly like Nick lachey.
498
00:22:59,970 --> 00:23:01,570
Right?
499
00:23:01,770 --> 00:23:03,190
I didn't do it, drea.
500
00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:04,780
I believe you.
501
00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:07,280
New mascot for the business.
502
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,740
This is a very good idea.
503
00:23:09,940 --> 00:23:13,410
I call it saturn's scrotum.
504
00:23:13,610 --> 00:23:15,790
It's stunning.
505
00:23:15,990 --> 00:23:19,600
I have never lied to any of you
and I never will.
506
00:23:29,110 --> 00:23:31,110
{\an8}[Grunting]
507
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:41,960
[Exhales deeply]
508
00:23:51,260 --> 00:23:53,180
{\an8}[Theme music playing]
509
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:53,970
{\an8}[Andrea]
next on Primo...
510
00:24:54,170 --> 00:24:55,190
Your brother's in trouble.
511
00:24:55,210 --> 00:24:56,730
You're gonna have to be more specific.
512
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,480
Can I borrow your car tomorrow?
Mya asked me for a ride home.
513
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:01,990
How'd it go? Did the Cologne work?
514
00:25:02,010 --> 00:25:03,440
How'd it go? Terrible.
515
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:04,730
They're in the woods now?
516
00:25:04,930 --> 00:25:05,930
Rollie?
517
00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:07,710
[Mike] Let me know if you're
Looking for extra cash.
518
00:25:07,730 --> 00:25:09,860
I always need bodies.
And grab some garbage bags.
519
00:25:10,060 --> 00:25:12,820
There's a bunch of dead squirrels
we gotta get rid of at the job site.