I can't believe I didn't know this about you.
- Nobody does. - I mean,
i knew you liked to read romance novels, but I had no idea you wanted to write one.
I actually started already.
You did?
I did. Yeah. I even, um, I came up with my pen name.
Ruby sapphire Pearl.
- Oh, girl, you sound so expensive. - Yeah.
Check it out.
[Esther] Wait. Is that Usher?
No.
- Wait. Is that you? - No. That's just another woman.
Just some regular woman. It's not me.
[Esther] Girl, that's the store we're in.
- No, it's not. - Okay.
Then what's the book about?
A famous R&B singer stops in at a convenience store
after a concert in town and he falls in love with the store manager.
Uh-hmm.
What? It's not Usher and it's not me.
Okay. All right. So what's the book called?
I have a few different options.
- Like what? - All right.
Maybe something like,
- "his body was weary from the road. - [Esther] Uh-hmm.
- Her body was weary from the world." - Yeah.
- They both needed something. - What'd they need?
- "Night pump." - Oh, that's good.
- That's good. - Yeah?
"The store wasn't the only thing open 24 hours."
- [Esther] Oh. - "A pump of convenience."
Oh, keep going. Come on.
"A mysterious stranger in need of gas,
an enticed store manager in need of so much more."
"Pump her up."
Damn. Usher's doing a lot of pumping.
It's not Usher, Esther!
[Theme music playing]
[Birds chirping]
[Rafa] I was thinking of checking out The school play next week.
they're doing a stage adaptation Of Training day,
but instead of cops, it's gonna be teachers.
They're calling it Explaining day. Are you gonna go?
I was really looking forward to it, but my parents won't let me go.
They heard the theatre kids got busted for butt-chugging.
Oh, bummer. Wait, what's butt-chugging?
[Scoffs] It's exactly what you think it is.
What happened to good old-fashioned heroin? You know?
Or when people smoked crack In the parking lot after school.
you know, those are the days that I miss.
- [Mya laughs] - [Steve] Who's that on the phone
[Mya] Hey, dad.
it's rafa.
- Don't say my name. - [Steve] Rafa,
the kid who kept you out late?
[Mya] At the carnival? Yeah.
please stop giving him details.
What is she supposed to do, young man, lie to me?
[Rafa] May I hang up, sir?
were you one of the butt-chuggers?
- Drink with your mouth, son. - [Disconnects call]
Rafa, did you hang up?
He hung up.
It's over. Mr. Perkins is never gonna let Mya hang out with us
if he thinks I smoke crack.
Which I don't.
No one thinks you smoke crack, man.
You got a stomachache from a gummy vitamin.
Is Mya's dad the army guy with all the guns?
Mm, no. He's air force. They got drones.
He could probably kill rafa with a missile he controls from his phone.
Great. Now, I have to worry about airborne strikes too.
Dude, relax. You're in a great spot. You are the bad boy now.
- I didn't do anything bad. - So?
Forbidden love, that's the key to all great love stories.
Romeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.
Gnomeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.
He's right. Your next move, actually do drugs.
Or at least show up to school drunk.
Take advantage of the situation.
Then her dad will never let her see you and you will be golden, my guy.
He definitely already hates me.
Mya sent me phone emoji, circle slash emoji, skull emoji,
and then a screenshot of her contacts
where she changed my number to "scam likely."
Yeah, you're toast. Good as droned.
Maybe I should switch schools.
Or I could drop out and move into the woods.
Or... you kill mister Perkins first.
A preemptive strike. Then you'll be the ultimate bad boy.
I'm not gonna blow up mister Perkins, Miguel.
I'm so tired of hanging out with you losers.
Where's Jay?
I need help unloading my sculptures and he's the only one mature enough
not to comment on their erotic nature.
They're all wangs. You expect us not to comment on that?
He's out of town on a job. He'll be back tomorrow.
I'd offer to help, but I've got a big day today.
Completely unreachable until 4:00.
Anybody wanna ask me why?
All right. Well... my life then, huh?
[Door closes]
- Mike. - [Mike] Hmm.
- Come help me at the flea market. - [Mike] I can't.
There's a job fair at primo's school. I'm working the army recruitment booth.
Also, I do not wanna touch your penis art.
[Mondo] It's not just "penis art."
It's an artistic exploration attempting to demystify
the phallus in our culture.
They've got veins.
Rollie?
Hey, no, can do.
I hooked up with the flea market mascot who turned out to have crabs.
They're crazy, right? A flea with crabs?
[Laughs] Hey, life's a highway, man.
They hired a new lady to wear the flea costume.
- Come on. - All right. I'm in.
Can't get crabs twice.
Uh, rafa, what are your plans today?
Before you answer that,
have you considered working the job in recruitment fair
with your cool uncle Mike?
Not once have I considered that.
Come on. Help me out. Competition this year is gonna be tough.
The Navy guys, they're using the swimming pool
for seal team demonstrations.
Mya's dad is doing the air force booth. He brought a flight simulator.
Mya's dad is gonna be there?
Yeah. A lot of people's dads are gonna be there.
Well, if you really need my help, then yeah, sure.
- Really? - [Rafa] Yeah.
Okay. Cool. Yeah.
You're finally gonna get to see me do what I do.
We have an obstacle course.
If a kid makes it all the way through, boom, camouflage keychains.
Why would you wanna make keys harder to find?
See? You're already a valuable member of the team.
We're gonna go with the stress balls.
Let's go. You carry that.
- Have fun. - [Rafa] Bye.
Okay. Love you.
- [Mike] Bye. - Bye.
[Mike] After you.
Gone, gone, out, gone, gone, gone.
Oh, my god. They're all gone.
Eight hours of nothing.
[Upbeat music playing]
[Indistinct chatter]
How's this? I arranged them all by size.
I like it. It's like an erotic staircase.
Morning, mondo. Great day for leather. Real leather weather.
Leave me alone, Gary.
You must be one of mondo's many brothers.
I'm Gary morales. But you can call me leatherman.
Is this a leather business card?
It sure is, peanut.
And I only made one, so I need it back.
Take a good look. Memorize it.
- "Leatherman at leatherman.Biz." - That's right.
New drop today, Muchachos. Business will be brisk.
You don't mind if I take this, do you?
Sorry about your dicks.
- Hey, I'll be right back. - Where are you going?
I'm gonna go cave this guy's head in.
And I gotta do it quick, so it doesn't become "premeditated."
Rollie, violence is never right.
Hey, what's the deal with this guy?
It's a long story. And I don't wanna get into it.
We can just display the sculptures on the blanket.
It'll look more natural,
like the penises are growing out of the earth.
[Upbeat music playing]
Okay. So you're being extra weird today.
No, I'm not. My dream girl is coming into the bank today.
Priscilla Diaz.
I've been handling her accounts for three months now and I'm telling you,
she is the one. Today, we finally meet.
She's "the one," and you've never met her?
That's right. I know everything I need to know.
She has a fully funded roth ira.
She moved her money from fixed income and into equities
to perfectly take advantage of the bull market of 2021.
So yeah, she's got it all.
Why don't you just be normal and date someone
who you've actually seen before like Claudia?
Claudia? She collects beanie babies.
Those are endangered animals.
And she only gets those because she donates to a wildlife charity.
Oh, so she just gives her money away? Uh, real smart.
Priscilla Diaz would never do that. Plus, she's only an account manager.
- You're an account manager. - Exactly.
You date for the job you want, not the job you have.
[Mike] The key to a successful recruitment fair is determination.
And discipline.
And dedication.
And bouncy castles.
That's a lot of keys.
Maybe we should've brought those keychains after all.
Hi, Mr. Perkins. Sir.
San Antonio's very own nino brown. How's the crack cocaine business?
Oh. Ha. Very funny joke.
But I would never sell crack cocaine or smoke it.
I, I don't even crack jokes, or eggs, or anything else that you can crack,
especially cocaine.
Are you high right now?
Another good one. Wow. You're on a roll today, sir.
No, of course, I'm not high. High on patriotism, maybe.
Other than that, completely sober. Do you have a breathalyzer?
Or a cup. Uh, you know, for pee?
I, I'd be... I'd be so happy to give you some of my urine, sir.
It would be an absolute honor and a privilege.
Just one without pens.
I don't want your urine, Rafael.
Right.
Hey, bud. I know what's going on here.
You do?
I know you're scared.
But this obstacle course is completely safe.
Why don't you give it a practice run before we start?
- Come on. I'll time you. - [Rafa] I don't really...
- [Mike] Ready? - [Rafa] Watch out.
Crawl and weave!
Crawl and weave, primo. Crawl and weave!
Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Jump!
Sniper got you. You're dead. Start over.
[Mike] All right. Shoes off. I'll be back to time you.
Remember, there's a lot of jobs in the army,
it's not just combat. That's important to tell these kids.
- Uh-huh. - And a good thing about having you here
is everyone will know right away clearly
you do not have to fight.
- Absolutely. - This is fun, huh?
You and me, quality time?
Primo, let me run something by you.
Why do you think I don't have a girlfriend?
I mean, I got the prescription deodorant, so it's not that anymore.
Yeah, totally.
Hello there. I'm Ryan, senior executive account manager.
It would be my honor to assist you
with all your needs today, Ms. Lisa guzman?
Ugh. Paul can help you.
Paul? This chick needs something.
[Telephone ringing in distance]
Hey, do you want me to take over greeting the customers?
'Cause you're being such a jackass today.
I'm sorry. I'm fine. I got it. Yeah.
Oh, also apparently the outdoor atm is down.
Yes. There's a McDonald's pancake in the deposit slot.
What?
I'm sorry, I should be more clear.
I stuffed a McDonald's pancake in there so that it would break.
So then everybody would have to come in,
and then I can finally meet the woman that I'm in love with.
Oh. Today is the day you meet "investment account ending in 6421?"
Yup. Claudia, let me ask you a question. Imagine that you work at a bank.
- I do work in a bank. - Great. Stay with that.
Now, imagine that you're trying to impress a client
whose account information you are very familiar with.
Which of these ties would you choose?
I think you look good in both.
Well, great. That's not helpful. Thanks for nothing, Anna wintour.
[Singer singing in Spanish]
- [Cartoons on TV] - [Laughing]
[Cries] What is... He's never even seen the sunlight, it's...
[Singer singing in Spanish]
She led him to the stockroom, where he revealed his inventory.
Oh, his, his rising inventory.
Oh, that's good. Rising.
That's so good, Esther. Yeah.
[Singer singing in Spanish]
[Gasps]
The baby has amnesia?
Oh, my god.
[Latin music playing]
[Singer singing in Spanish]
[Groans]
Leather underwear. Leather visor. Ma'am?
Leather onesie for the little one? It's treated. The poop slides right off.
[Woman] No, thanks.
No? Your baby's ugly anyway.
Hey! You got mud on our blanket!
You should've put your stuff on a table.
Rollie, don't.
Hey, you gotta tell me what's up with this guy.
Believe it or not, leatherman used to be my best friend.
Back then, he was just "Gary."
[Indistinct chatter]
[Mondo] It was the end Of strawberry season.
after the harvest, We both had money to spend.
I have a business proposition for you.
There's a cattle auction coming to town. What if you and I went in half on a cow?
[Mondo] I was thrilled. It was like having a thousand-pound dog.
that cow and I, We had a spiritual connection.
like we had been friends in a past life.
good girl!
I thought he loved her as much as I did.
but soon I discovered That he had very different intentions.
everything went great! We should at least double our money.
How could you do this?
I lost two friends that day. The cow died and Gary did, too.
Leatherman was born in his place.
Yo, I remember Gary now. From years ago. Yeah, that guy's a dick.
Hey, you're carving them for a living,
but can't see when there's a human one right in front of you?
You know what the difference between us is?
That I choose peace. That's why I've never been to jail.
Except for that time that I did ayahuasca and went into the ihop without pants.
Hey, look, you don't want me to fight him? I won't fight him.
But you gotta stand up for yourself.
If not for you, then do it for... Uh, what was your dog cow's name?
Moo-chelle pfeiffer.
Yeah, moo-chelle.
You're under enemy fire.
Your platoon is the last hope to get this nuclear warhead to safety.
The fate of the United States of america is in your hands.
Godspeed.
[Device beeps]
[Whistle blows]
Juan! Too slow! You're dead. Pass the nuke to Carla.
- Hey, are you timing this? - Yeah, sorry.
Uh, Carla's got 20 seconds left before that bomb destroys San Antonio.
Excuse me just one sec.
Leave him behind, Carla! It's too late for him!
Keep going!
Ah, the old, uh, f-15 strike eagle.
- Yeah. - Nice.
Mind if I give her a whirl?
Well, the olive garden recruiter brought out the free breadsticks
and everyone ran over there, so, sure. Go crazy.
- Okay. - Let's get you set up here.
I think I see.
Yeah. Check her out.
[Planes hovering over monitor]
[Beeping]
[Explosion]
Direct hit. Not bad.
Thank you, sir.
- Enjoy that leather toilet seat cover. - I will.
Man, I'm crushing carcass today. How's the wooden dick business?
Ironically, it looks like a soft market.
Hey, take your revenge. Do it for moo-chelle.
Oh, is that what you're thinking about?
Your old cow friend? [Laughs] That is hilarious.
She was my first murdered cow. I still wear her sometimes, mondo.
She tanned up good. Real good.
[Upbeat Latin music playing]
[Yells] No! My leather goods!
[Indistinct chatter]
Look me in the eyes, Gary. Look me in the eye...
This revenge had a lot more urine than I was anticipating.
How much is it usually?
Zero.
[Mondo] Uh-hmm.
[Rollie chuckles]
Nice job. One of the best scores I've seen all day.
Thank you.
I appreciate you letting me test her out.
What are you doing?
Destroying tanks with heat-seeking missiles.
Wack. You're supposed to be helping me at the army booth.
I was counting on you and you let me down.
Seems like you let each other down.
[Mike] Oh, no. Evacuate the obstacle course!
You are in danger!
The structural integrity has been compromised!
- Army. - [Mike] Evacuate now!
He'll be fine. He's very good at evacuations.
He doesn't give a crap about helping me recruit kids
into the armed forces. It's basically treason!
- What? - [Mike] He lied to me, drea!
- yeah. - [Mike] And I know you think
i get defensive about defending america,
- but defending america... - No, no, I think you're great,
uh, in america.
Is literally my job.
I have dedicated my life to making us all safe.
And the first rule of boot camp, drea, is that you respect your uncle.
That is why they call him uncle Sam, drea.
Family is important.
[Mike] That's what I'm saying!
well, I'm sure you and Ryan will work it out, okay?
Talk soon.
Drea? Ryan's...
I'm not with Ryan!
[Sighs] God.
Just leave it alone. I'll do it myself. Just like I did all day.
Uncle Mike, uh, that's my bad, okay?
Apologies not accepted. We were supposed to be working in tandem,
to recruit soldiers and improve the strength and might of the us military.
And...
- You hurt my feelings. - I know.
It's just, Mya's dad kinda hates me,
and he's not gonna let Mya hang out with me if he hates me.
So I thought I could,
I don't know, just spend some time with him, try to get him on my side.
Well, whatever. You shouldn't have lied.
And your mom, I called her about it, she completely agrees with me.
Yeah. Yeah. I know.
Maybe she'll come next Saturday.
I guess. You want some charcuterie?
Sure.
Nope. That ham is sweaty.
Yeah, this ham is fully wet. Mm.
Do not eat that.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for being so cool today. I'm sorry if I was a little nutty.
It's okay.
Or it's actually not "okay," because you're deeply weird,
but it's enough "okay" that I can tell you it's okay.
[Laughs] Do you have any plans tonight?
Me and some friends are going to a concert downtown.
You into music?
Hmm.
Come on, what's your favorite album?
Oh, no. You're gonna think it's stupid.
Probably.
It's Unleash the champion inside you, By Bernie snorkis.
He's a motivational speaker.
Yup, stupid.
I know. It's just, I try to focus on my career and my future,
so I don't spend a lot of time listening to music.
I'm gonna make you a playlist. You need normal, human interests.
Thanks.
And I'll make you a playlist of my favorite
motivational speeches and Ted talks.
- Please do not do that. - Absolutely not, I won't.
We'll release you, but only once you've paid
for the merchandise you destroyed.
I can't. My only assets are 32 sculptures and an antique pan flute.
[Leatherman] Then I want him banned from the flea market for life,
and extradited to Mexico.
"Extradited?" you know I'm not the government, right?
[Mondo] This flea market is the only way I have to make money.
I am not going back to selling these door to door.
I got punched too many times.
[Rollie] Hey, how about this, Gary.
You screwed mondo out of half a cow back in the day.
Hey, what do you say we call it even?
That was two hundred bucks, Amigo.
he ruined way more than that.
You didn't let me finish.
Hey, what do you say we call it even,
or I follow you home and cave your head in?
That was a threat. Do something!
Again, I'm not the government.
Fine.
Fine!
I can't believe how much anger I was holding in.
I can't believe you flipped over a table. Hey, we should hang out more often.
Hey, I'm glad you stood up to that guy. Some fights are worth fighting.
I mean, to me, all fights are worth fighting.
But still, good for you.
Hey, what are you doing? I peed on that.
I'm gonna hose it down and take it to the biker bar and sell it.
There are so many foul smells coming out of that place,
- they won't even notice. - I get a 50-50 split.
Hey, look at you. Standing up for yourself.
But no, I'm keeping all the money.
Okay.
Hey. Good turnout?
It was okay. How about you?
Eh. A little worried about these kids, I think they might be a bit soft.
Definitely.
My whole presentation was a video game.
And a bunch of them asked me if I worked for gamestop.
I don't.
Hey, listen, um, I'm sorry if primo was a little weird.
He's under a lot of pressure but he's a good kid.
He was raised to respect his elders,
I think he was just trying to make a good impression.
Is that right?
Maybe some of the things Mya says about him are true.
They are. Unless they were bad.
In which case, your daughter is a liar. Have a good night.
I'm glad I did not go to that barbecue.
Thanks for coming today.
To be honest, I didn't really need your help.
You're actually pretty useless. Militarily, I mean.
I just thought it might be cool to hang with you a little.
You hungry?
Oh, my god, I'm starving.
I was too scared to eat in front of Mya's dad.
I just felt like I was gonna get something on my shirt, like always.
We'll get burgers on the way home.
By the way, Mya talks to her dad about you.
You talked to him?
Military kids don't talk to their dads about anything,
so if she's talking about you, that's a good sign.
For real?
That's kinda high-level intel you get
when you hang out with your cool uncle Mike.
He was there too?
[Mike] Get in the truck.
[Sighs]
Hey, ma. We got burgers for everyone.
We executed a search and rescue today, drea.
- Whole team's beat. - Oh yeah?
- Yeah. - Hey, sis, I need, ammonia,
bleach, and a barrel.
That's going to create mustard gas.
Yeah, but I gotta get the piss out of these leather clothes
- I'm gonna sell to a biker gang. - What?
[Rollie] Thank you.
Well, I may never find love.
Play Bernie snorkis motivational quotes.
[Bernie snorkis] If you're poor, It's your fault. Bernie snorkis...
man, shut that off.
I need water. I think I'm dehydrated.
Oh, nice.
I got ketchup on my shirt.
You haven't even started eating. Your burger is still wrapped!
I told you. This is what happens.
You're right, you did tell me.
- How'd y'all's day go? - [Mondo] Well, it was pretty good.
- [Rollie] Oh, man. - [Mondo] ...Moo-chelle pfeiffer
and peed on a dead carcass...
Yeah, there was the leatherman guy.
And he tried to fight me but I was like,
"no, you're not gonna be able to fight me."
[Indistinct chattering]
I'm good. Really good.
Is this is a leather onesie?
It sure is, peanut.
[Theme music playing]
[Andrea] next on Primo...
What if she goes off and gets a boyfriend?
- At math camp? - I just have to tell her.
Let me just walk you through it, step by step.
How'd you keep this from us?
Easy, you're all oblivious.
We need to trust that drea knows what she's doing.
We don't have any infor.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You wanna take a walk? - Any final questions?
I think there's something you need to know.
What?