1 00:00:01,253 --> 00:00:03,963 {\an8}Okay, bozos. Listen up. 2 00:00:04,543 --> 00:00:05,783 It's that time of year. 3 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,863 The Gonzales family neighborhood barbecue. 4 00:00:10,063 --> 00:00:12,413 - Awoo! - [All] Awoo! 5 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:13,913 That's enough. 6 00:00:14,113 --> 00:00:16,953 Mondo, Ryan, you're on fireworks, as usual. 7 00:00:17,153 --> 00:00:18,663 Don't know how you can top last year. 8 00:00:18,863 --> 00:00:21,423 It'll come to me. I am but a vessel. 9 00:00:21,623 --> 00:00:23,923 The aztec god of fire, xiuhtecuhtli, speaks through me. 10 00:00:24,123 --> 00:00:27,423 Plus, I have a cool app. We can do 3D renderings of the explosions. 11 00:00:27,623 --> 00:00:29,763 The merging of the ancient with the modern. 12 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,593 This is how civilization progresses. 13 00:00:31,793 --> 00:00:34,303 Just like when santana played with the matchbox 20 guy. 14 00:00:34,503 --> 00:00:36,263 Rollie. Beer duty. 15 00:00:36,463 --> 00:00:37,893 Got it. Can't wait. 16 00:00:38,093 --> 00:00:40,103 Beer duty means you get beer for other people, 17 00:00:40,303 --> 00:00:41,693 not just you drink a lot of beer. 18 00:00:41,893 --> 00:00:43,863 - What? - [Jay] I got the playlist. 19 00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:46,573 Jay's rump-shaker backyard bangerz was a big hit last year. 20 00:00:46,773 --> 00:00:48,993 Just a reminder, Denise and the girls will be here. 21 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,153 All the songs will be kidz bop versions. 22 00:00:51,353 --> 00:00:52,743 I've got another job for you. 23 00:00:52,943 --> 00:00:55,203 The giant hole in the deck that's big enough 24 00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:57,793 for a person to fall through, fix it. 25 00:00:57,993 --> 00:00:59,623 Why is that our job? 26 00:00:59,823 --> 00:01:03,673 Hey, if I wanted to, I could punch a hole in this deck. 27 00:01:03,873 --> 00:01:05,273 No chance. 28 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,573 Oh, yeah. Right. We'll fix it. 29 00:01:13,153 --> 00:01:17,143 Rafa, you have two jobs. Be my perfect little angel, 30 00:01:17,343 --> 00:01:20,683 and also rat on your uncles whenever they do something extra stupid. 31 00:01:20,883 --> 00:01:22,143 Done and done. 32 00:01:22,343 --> 00:01:24,483 [Clears throat] What about me? 33 00:01:24,683 --> 00:01:25,733 You're head of security. 34 00:01:25,933 --> 00:01:28,053 I'm always head of security. No one takes me seriously 35 00:01:28,223 --> 00:01:29,903 because you never let me bring my crossbow. 36 00:01:29,983 --> 00:01:31,573 This year, I'm bringing my crossbow. 37 00:01:31,773 --> 00:01:33,749 - No, you're not. - Fine. Then I'm at least eye gouging. 38 00:01:33,773 --> 00:01:35,629 - No eye gouges. - Oh, but it's fine for you to do it 39 00:01:35,653 --> 00:01:36,873 at Walmart on black Friday? 40 00:01:37,073 --> 00:01:38,833 Tvs were $60, Mike! 41 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:41,223 [Theme music playing] 42 00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,053 Hey, rafa. What time should we be there Monday? 43 00:01:50,253 --> 00:01:52,213 Labor day at the Gonzales house starts around 2:00 44 00:01:52,253 --> 00:01:54,683 and ends whenever any of the uncles get into a fistfight. 45 00:01:54,883 --> 00:01:57,353 So, I'd get there by 2:30. 46 00:01:57,543 --> 00:01:58,543 [Mya] Sweet. 47 00:01:58,633 --> 00:02:00,073 I moved from Dallas when I was eight 48 00:02:00,173 --> 00:02:02,489 and I think that was the last time I had good Mexican food. 49 00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:05,943 The past few years have just been German sausage and European fish stew. 50 00:02:06,143 --> 00:02:07,443 They didn't even have taco bell? 51 00:02:07,643 --> 00:02:09,113 Oh, I love taco bell, dawg. 52 00:02:09,313 --> 00:02:10,869 If I ever get the courage to smoke weed, 53 00:02:10,893 --> 00:02:13,533 I'm gonna get super high and eat so much taco bell. 54 00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,743 Actually, it's usually just a straight barbecue 55 00:02:15,943 --> 00:02:18,453 but I could ask my mom to make some Mexican stuff. 56 00:02:18,653 --> 00:02:20,163 She is an awesome cook. 57 00:02:20,363 --> 00:02:22,003 Nice. All right. I'll see you all Monday? 58 00:02:24,893 --> 00:02:26,753 Hey. You guys gotta help me out, all right? 59 00:02:26,953 --> 00:02:28,583 You know how insane the barbecue gets. 60 00:02:28,783 --> 00:02:31,253 I need you to shield Mya and her family from the worst of it. 61 00:02:31,453 --> 00:02:32,553 Yeah, yeah. We got you. 62 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,763 Oh, remember a few years ago? The lighter fluid fight? 63 00:02:35,963 --> 00:02:38,443 Was that the same year that Mike did the nunchuck demonstration 64 00:02:38,543 --> 00:02:40,183 then choked out that old man and woman? 65 00:02:40,383 --> 00:02:41,503 No, no. It was the year that 66 00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:44,103 Jay barbecued Ryan's favorite briefcase and then fed it to him. 67 00:02:44,303 --> 00:02:47,123 Yeah, this is what I mean when I say the worst of it. 68 00:02:48,873 --> 00:02:52,023 Blue comets, green chrysanthemums, red and gold crossettes. 69 00:02:52,223 --> 00:02:55,703 This will be the story our ancestors have passed down since time immemorial. 70 00:02:55,893 --> 00:03:00,513 An erotic tale of courage, perseverance, and human frailty. 71 00:03:02,343 --> 00:03:03,543 Told through explosives. 72 00:03:03,743 --> 00:03:05,873 Got it. Now, when you say erotic, 73 00:03:06,073 --> 00:03:08,043 what fireworks would you say are the horniest? 74 00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:10,643 Roman candles, bottle rockets, whistling petes? 75 00:03:11,693 --> 00:03:13,963 - Snakes. - Of course. 76 00:03:14,163 --> 00:03:15,849 [Miguel] Planning out this year's fireworks? 77 00:03:15,873 --> 00:03:17,593 - Can I help? - No. 78 00:03:17,793 --> 00:03:18,793 You're not ready. 79 00:03:18,883 --> 00:03:21,164 [Miguel] You said that last year and the year before that. 80 00:03:21,343 --> 00:03:23,223 How long are you gonna make me wait? I'm 16. 81 00:03:23,423 --> 00:03:26,893 That is way too young. No, this is grown man stuff. 82 00:03:27,093 --> 00:03:29,563 Call me when you file your taxes. 83 00:03:29,763 --> 00:03:32,113 Wait, do you do your taxes? Because literally call me. 84 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,873 I can help you for a reasonable fee. 85 00:03:36,423 --> 00:03:38,713 I know who you are. I don't need this. 86 00:03:40,633 --> 00:03:44,543 Hamburgers, hotdogs, ribs, chips, plates, beer. 87 00:03:44,743 --> 00:03:45,793 Anything else? 88 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,503 Well, Mya and her family are coming 89 00:03:47,703 --> 00:03:49,469 and they haven't had good Mexican food in years 90 00:03:49,493 --> 00:03:51,253 because her dad was stationed overseas. 91 00:03:51,453 --> 00:03:54,253 So, I was wondering if maybe you could cook something? 92 00:03:54,453 --> 00:03:56,133 I think that's a great idea. 93 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:57,673 Uh, Mexican food? 94 00:03:57,873 --> 00:03:58,883 Wait, hold on. 95 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:02,013 We should just stick to the regular barbecue plan. It's tradition. 96 00:04:02,213 --> 00:04:06,023 Or we could eat nothing. Fasting is a very spiritual experience. 97 00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:08,273 You guys can cook all your regular barbecue stuff. 98 00:04:08,473 --> 00:04:11,773 I will handle the extras. Tacos, tortas, my famous tamales. 99 00:04:11,973 --> 00:04:13,363 And rafa, you can help me. 100 00:04:13,563 --> 00:04:16,659 You're actually older than I was when I taught myself how to cook Mexican food. 101 00:04:16,683 --> 00:04:19,163 All right. I'm gonna go to the store to get everything we need. 102 00:04:19,273 --> 00:04:21,283 [Gasps] I'm so excited. 103 00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:23,093 [Ryan] Exciting. 104 00:04:25,593 --> 00:04:26,593 [Door closes] 105 00:04:26,743 --> 00:04:28,873 - What the hell, primo? - What'd I do? 106 00:04:29,073 --> 00:04:31,673 Men, we have to tell him. 107 00:04:31,873 --> 00:04:33,383 Are you sure? 108 00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:35,293 It's time. 109 00:04:35,493 --> 00:04:37,403 [Upbeat music playing] 110 00:04:40,193 --> 00:04:44,853 Your mother is not who you think she is. She can't cook Mexican food. 111 00:04:45,053 --> 00:04:47,253 What are you talking about? Her Mexican food is amazing. 112 00:04:47,383 --> 00:04:50,603 No. Our Mexican food is amazing. 113 00:04:50,803 --> 00:04:52,943 When your mother was 12 years old, 114 00:04:53,143 --> 00:04:56,693 our mom, your grandma, Got hooked on penny slots. 115 00:04:56,893 --> 00:04:58,943 she would disappear for days at a time. 116 00:04:59,143 --> 00:05:00,783 and drea took care of us. 117 00:05:00,983 --> 00:05:02,543 [young Andrea] More food's ready, guys. 118 00:05:02,733 --> 00:05:05,553 I didn't have a lot to work with but I hope it's okay. 119 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:14,043 [Jay] She was so proud of feeding us That we couldn't bear to break her heart. 120 00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:19,263 from that moment on, we made a pact To never tell her the truth. 121 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:20,813 there's more where that came from. 122 00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,643 None of this stuff is the right color. 123 00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:27,403 Just shut up and eat it. 124 00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:30,223 [Jay] And eat it, he did. 125 00:05:30,423 --> 00:05:31,933 we all did. 126 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,233 It wasn't her fault. 127 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,653 She never had the right ingredients, so she improvised. 128 00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:37,733 We were so good at lying, she came to believe 129 00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,733 her way of doing it was somehow better. 130 00:05:39,933 --> 00:05:43,113 All these years, she thought she reinvented Mexican cuisine. 131 00:05:43,313 --> 00:05:46,823 But really, she was giving us free colonics. 132 00:05:47,023 --> 00:05:48,243 You guys are messing with me. 133 00:05:48,443 --> 00:05:50,703 - How bad could it be? - [Rollie] How bad could it be? 134 00:05:50,903 --> 00:05:52,963 Have you seen the movie San Andreas? 135 00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:55,643 it's like that. But the earthquake is in your butt. 136 00:05:56,983 --> 00:05:58,343 Whenever she cooks Mexican food, 137 00:05:58,543 --> 00:06:00,553 we sneak around her back and fix everything. 138 00:06:00,753 --> 00:06:03,763 This is a rite of passage for every Gonzales man, primo. 139 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:08,103 Lying to your mother to protect her heart and our guts. 140 00:06:08,303 --> 00:06:09,603 - No. No way. - [Jay] Uh-hmm. 141 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:10,803 Leave me out of this. 142 00:06:10,883 --> 00:06:12,063 You're already in, primo. 143 00:06:12,263 --> 00:06:14,693 So, you either help us or you eat your mom's food 144 00:06:14,893 --> 00:06:18,463 and waste away like a conquistador getting montezuma's revenge. 145 00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:22,113 Have you seen The exorcist? It's like that. 146 00:06:22,313 --> 00:06:23,753 But the devil is in your butt. 147 00:06:25,053 --> 00:06:27,453 Primo, if we don't stop your mom from cooking, 148 00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:31,203 the entire San Antonio Metro sewer system is doomed. 149 00:06:31,403 --> 00:06:33,873 Have you seen the first 10 minutes of Saving private Ryan? 150 00:06:34,073 --> 00:06:37,003 it's like that. But your butt. 151 00:06:37,203 --> 00:06:38,389 - [All] That's it. - [Rollie] That's it, right? 152 00:06:38,413 --> 00:06:39,679 I got it, right? That's pretty good. 153 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,223 - It's actually like that, yes. - Yeah. 154 00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:46,683 Hey, Frankie. 155 00:06:46,883 --> 00:06:48,473 El maestro. 156 00:06:48,673 --> 00:06:49,673 good to see you. 157 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,229 [Frankie] I didn't know what you wanted this year, 158 00:06:51,253 --> 00:06:53,743 so I, uh, I ordered some rare items. 159 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,233 Sloppy migraines, liquid pain, 160 00:06:57,433 --> 00:06:59,653 astronaut assault, exploding babies. 161 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,853 Excuse me. 162 00:07:00,933 --> 00:07:04,193 Uh, you don't tell Michael Jordan which shots to take, okay? 163 00:07:04,393 --> 00:07:08,453 You don't tell Mozart which trumpet to play or whatever. 164 00:07:08,653 --> 00:07:09,913 I don't know a lot about Mozart 165 00:07:10,113 --> 00:07:12,413 but I do know a lot about my brother and his genius. 166 00:07:12,613 --> 00:07:15,623 Forgive Ryan. He's very protective of my vision. 167 00:07:15,823 --> 00:07:17,263 Show Frankie what we need. 168 00:07:19,983 --> 00:07:22,193 Oh, my god. It's, it's beautiful. 169 00:07:23,273 --> 00:07:25,403 I'll have all this to you within the hour. 170 00:07:29,033 --> 00:07:30,183 Do we trust him? 171 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,813 He'll come through. He always does. 172 00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:35,243 No, I mean, he took my tablet. Is he gonna bring it back? 173 00:07:35,423 --> 00:07:37,523 No. He's a dirtbag. He's definitely gonna sell it. 174 00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:40,313 Oh. Oh, Frankie. Frankie! 175 00:07:40,513 --> 00:07:43,523 They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 176 00:07:43,723 --> 00:07:44,863 That applies to women, too. 177 00:07:45,063 --> 00:07:47,543 You learn to cook Mexican food like me, you'll never be single. 178 00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:49,243 You've been single my whole life. 179 00:07:49,443 --> 00:07:52,283 By choice. Now focus. 180 00:07:52,483 --> 00:07:56,373 You're about to learn the secret recipe for quesadillas. 181 00:07:56,573 --> 00:07:59,083 First, you take a tortilla, add cheese, 182 00:07:59,283 --> 00:08:02,043 and then my secret ingredients, 183 00:08:02,243 --> 00:08:07,113 canned tuna, horseradish, and cinnamon. 184 00:08:08,323 --> 00:08:10,223 I know. It might sound like a bizarre combo 185 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,113 but you and your uncles love it, right? 186 00:08:13,903 --> 00:08:14,953 Psst. Psst. Psst. 187 00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:21,983 Do not, under any circumstances, let her put a horseradish in that quesadilla. 188 00:08:22,183 --> 00:08:23,623 Well, how am I supposed to stop her? 189 00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:25,213 Switch it to this. 190 00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:28,693 You want me to switch horseradish with horseradish? 191 00:08:28,893 --> 00:08:30,533 It's not horseradish. 192 00:08:30,733 --> 00:08:33,283 It's a mixture of cooked onions, peppers, and spices. 193 00:08:33,483 --> 00:08:36,333 I call it the trojan horseradish. 194 00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:38,293 I love that. Great name. 195 00:08:38,493 --> 00:08:39,493 Right? 196 00:08:39,573 --> 00:08:42,423 Because it protects everything that goes inside, like a condom. 197 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:43,923 Never mind. You're an idiot. 198 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:48,213 Also, swap in this chicken for tuna and swap out the cinnamon for cayenne. 199 00:08:48,413 --> 00:08:49,593 Go. Hurry, hurry. 200 00:08:49,793 --> 00:08:51,233 [Andrea] Okay. 201 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,263 [Grunts] 202 00:08:53,463 --> 00:08:57,493 I know. It looks like a lot of lard, but believe me, we are gonna need it all. 203 00:08:58,783 --> 00:09:01,233 [Upbeat music playing] 204 00:09:01,433 --> 00:09:04,313 Hey, hey, hey. Watch yourself, Eva. 205 00:09:04,513 --> 00:09:06,323 Oh, not even a thank you? 206 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,153 See, this is why I need my crossbow. 207 00:09:08,353 --> 00:09:09,353 To use on the kids? 208 00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:10,613 Hey, you guys made it. 209 00:09:10,813 --> 00:09:12,363 Great. 210 00:09:12,563 --> 00:09:14,913 There's no crossbow. So glad you came. 211 00:09:15,113 --> 00:09:17,743 Yes, we did. And this is my mom, Jackie. 212 00:09:17,943 --> 00:09:19,043 Great to meet you, Jackie. 213 00:09:19,243 --> 00:09:20,303 Oh. 214 00:09:21,393 --> 00:09:23,173 I'm sorry. I thought we just met 215 00:09:23,373 --> 00:09:25,583 but apparently you and I have been friends for decades 216 00:09:25,783 --> 00:09:28,803 and therefore, you feel it's appropriate to address me by my first name. 217 00:09:29,003 --> 00:09:30,923 Oh, no, no, no. 218 00:09:31,123 --> 00:09:34,303 I, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Perkins. I really wasn't trying to... 219 00:09:34,503 --> 00:09:36,863 - Can I talk to you? - Uh-hmm. 220 00:09:38,113 --> 00:09:39,683 I'm sorry. I knew that was gonna happen 221 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:41,963 and it was gonna freak you out but I couldn't resist. 222 00:09:44,203 --> 00:09:46,833 [Indistinct chatter] 223 00:09:48,373 --> 00:09:49,943 These are delicious, Ms. Gonzales. 224 00:09:50,143 --> 00:09:51,993 Thanks, Harris. The secret is cinnamon. 225 00:09:52,193 --> 00:09:54,203 Oh, I don't think I even tasted... 226 00:09:54,403 --> 00:09:55,763 It's cinnamon, bro. 227 00:09:56,923 --> 00:09:59,373 You guys never finished fixing the hole in the deck. 228 00:09:59,573 --> 00:10:01,503 It is a serious safety issue. 229 00:10:01,693 --> 00:10:03,663 The food thing has taken up all our time. 230 00:10:03,863 --> 00:10:05,753 There is a hole in the deck. 231 00:10:05,953 --> 00:10:07,353 Rollie, go get some cardboard. 232 00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:11,173 What's going on, guys? 233 00:10:11,373 --> 00:10:13,654 I just had to stop uncle Mike from explaining to Mya's mom 234 00:10:13,793 --> 00:10:15,473 why he wants to shoot kids with a crossbow. 235 00:10:15,543 --> 00:10:17,683 What do you want from us? There's too many of them. 236 00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:19,899 They're running a five-on-two fast break against us. 237 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,353 - Oh, no. - [Rafa] What? 238 00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,643 Mya's brother came. He's the worst. 239 00:10:23,843 --> 00:10:26,443 I heard, at his old school, he gave a kid a wedgie so bad, 240 00:10:26,643 --> 00:10:28,773 his butt crack grew like two inches longer. 241 00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:30,073 - What? - [Harris] Yeah. 242 00:10:30,273 --> 00:10:31,909 [Rafa] I had no idea people still did wedgies. 243 00:10:31,933 --> 00:10:35,493 That's how much of a dick he is. He's like a time traveling dick. 244 00:10:35,693 --> 00:10:36,783 Oh. 245 00:10:36,983 --> 00:10:38,413 Uh, yo, what's up, rock? 246 00:10:38,613 --> 00:10:40,163 It's Rockwell. No small talk. 247 00:10:40,363 --> 00:10:41,843 Does "what's up" count as small talk? 248 00:10:41,993 --> 00:10:44,163 My sister and I have lived in seven different cities 249 00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:46,623 and there's always some lame ass trying to get with her. 250 00:10:46,823 --> 00:10:50,133 She's too good to settle for any of you losers. 251 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,383 Uh, but you just met us. 252 00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:54,153 Yeah. And I can already tell you're losers. 253 00:10:55,193 --> 00:10:57,113 So, which one of you losers is it? 254 00:10:57,983 --> 00:10:59,393 Primo, we need you. 255 00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,283 Oh, thank god. Nice meeting you, man. 256 00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:04,703 So, you're clearly upset. 257 00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:11,163 Eva, come here. Help out your uncle Mike. 258 00:11:16,923 --> 00:11:19,713 Still not secure. [Groans] 259 00:11:23,643 --> 00:11:25,203 [Jay] Where are we at in the kitchen? 260 00:11:25,403 --> 00:11:26,643 The rice is in the rice cooker. 261 00:11:26,703 --> 00:11:29,303 Please tell me she used the caldo de tomate I left on the counter. 262 00:11:29,373 --> 00:11:30,383 Ketchup. 263 00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:32,593 - Mother ...! - She did it before I noticed. 264 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,133 She also started on some menudo. 265 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,423 Is she crazy? That takes five hours! 266 00:11:36,623 --> 00:11:38,183 She called it her seven-minute menudo. 267 00:11:38,373 --> 00:11:39,763 This is worse than I thought. 268 00:11:39,963 --> 00:11:42,109 We need you to get your mom out of the kitchen for at least 15 minutes 269 00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:44,013 while we try to turn that abomination into food. 270 00:11:44,213 --> 00:11:45,023 How do I do that? 271 00:11:45,223 --> 00:11:46,523 I don't know. You're a teenager. 272 00:11:46,723 --> 00:11:48,563 Complain about something. Threaten to run away. 273 00:11:48,763 --> 00:11:50,563 Just yell "I'm sick of this" and start crying. 274 00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:53,123 Do I have to think of everything? Let's go. 275 00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:58,243 - You ready to make tamales? - Uh-hmm. 276 00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:02,573 Right. So normally, you would use masa which is cornmeal 277 00:12:02,773 --> 00:12:04,543 but I like to use matzoh, 278 00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,703 which is a traditional Jewish cracker made with flour and water. 279 00:12:07,903 --> 00:12:08,903 Why? 280 00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:10,549 The first time I made them, I had to borrow ingredients 281 00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:13,963 from the Jewish family down the street and your uncles went crazy for it. 282 00:12:14,163 --> 00:12:15,593 You wouldn't think you could just 283 00:12:15,793 --> 00:12:17,639 swap out ingredients because they sound the same. 284 00:12:17,663 --> 00:12:18,763 But you can. [Chuckles] 285 00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:19,963 Wow. 286 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:23,403 You say tamale, I say tamazeltov. 287 00:12:24,573 --> 00:12:25,723 That's my little joke. 288 00:12:25,923 --> 00:12:27,963 The Jewish family down the street went crazy for it. 289 00:12:28,093 --> 00:12:29,093 [Rafa] Hey, ma. 290 00:12:29,263 --> 00:12:31,563 Can I talk to you about something in the family room 291 00:12:31,763 --> 00:12:34,363 for like at least 15 minutes? 292 00:12:34,563 --> 00:12:37,673 Perfect. Tamales will be nice and soaked through by then. 293 00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:44,453 What's up, baby? 294 00:12:44,653 --> 00:12:48,753 So I was thinking, this has been such a great barbecue. 295 00:12:48,953 --> 00:12:50,253 So much fun. 296 00:12:50,453 --> 00:12:53,043 Maybe we should just quit while we're ahead, send everyone home. 297 00:12:53,243 --> 00:12:54,253 What? 298 00:12:54,453 --> 00:12:57,003 Nobody's eaten and we haven't even done the fireworks yet. 299 00:12:57,203 --> 00:12:58,213 What are you... 300 00:12:58,413 --> 00:13:00,349 But there also haven't been any lighter fluid fights 301 00:13:00,373 --> 00:13:01,373 or regular fights. 302 00:13:01,543 --> 00:13:04,053 It's the Gonzales family neighborhood barbecue, rafa. 303 00:13:04,253 --> 00:13:06,149 Since when are you worried about how crazy things get? 304 00:13:06,173 --> 00:13:07,763 Ooh, do you remember the time 305 00:13:07,963 --> 00:13:10,853 you and your uncles kept daring me to shave that weird little dog 306 00:13:11,053 --> 00:13:13,313 and I did it and it turned out it was a skunk? 307 00:13:13,513 --> 00:13:15,443 - Stinky barbecue. - Stinky barbecue. 308 00:13:15,643 --> 00:13:17,363 I was so drunk. 309 00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,443 But also there's just... 310 00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:23,323 You know, there's quite a few people here that don't really know us. 311 00:13:23,763 --> 00:13:26,243 Random example, off the top of my head, 312 00:13:26,443 --> 00:13:30,853 Mya and her mom, and I don't want them to get to know us. 313 00:13:31,933 --> 00:13:35,083 In my experience, the people we want in our lives, 314 00:13:35,283 --> 00:13:37,773 they're always gonna see the truth about who we really are. 315 00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:40,343 But, I get it. 316 00:13:40,543 --> 00:13:43,843 The barbecue can get a little dicey. 317 00:13:44,043 --> 00:13:45,043 I tell you what, 318 00:13:45,213 --> 00:13:47,803 I will make sure that we keep a lid on things. 319 00:13:48,003 --> 00:13:49,453 Deal? 320 00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:53,893 - Oh, hold on. - No, no, no, we have to talk longer. 321 00:13:54,093 --> 00:13:56,833 [Whispering] Hurry up. Drop it. Come on. Let's go, let's go. 322 00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,633 It was primo's idea. 323 00:14:03,253 --> 00:14:05,613 My best estimate, all four movements together 324 00:14:05,813 --> 00:14:10,333 should last about 26 minutes give or take. Then, a 45-second epilogue. 325 00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:13,213 Perfect. A symphony and a novel in one. 326 00:14:13,403 --> 00:14:17,543 Lay out the fuses while I pray for our ancestors to guide my hand. 327 00:14:17,743 --> 00:14:20,133 Miguel, what are you doing slithering around over here? 328 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:21,673 Just watching. 329 00:14:21,873 --> 00:14:24,593 - Absolutely no watching. Security! - Come on. 330 00:14:24,793 --> 00:14:26,393 What seems to be the problem here? 331 00:14:26,583 --> 00:14:27,743 Miguel's watching. 332 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:32,223 No watching. That's how you get your eyes gouged, son. 333 00:14:32,423 --> 00:14:33,423 Beat it. 334 00:14:34,783 --> 00:14:36,909 - Scoop his eyes out, Mike. - [Mike] Is that what you want? 335 00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,253 You want your eyes scooped? 336 00:14:39,873 --> 00:14:42,193 What do you mean I can't cook Mexican food? 337 00:14:42,393 --> 00:14:44,793 It's not that you can't cook Mexican food. 338 00:14:45,883 --> 00:14:48,573 You did the best that you could with what you had. 339 00:14:48,773 --> 00:14:51,303 But... help me out here. 340 00:14:52,553 --> 00:14:54,753 It's very bad and it hurts when we eat it. 341 00:14:54,953 --> 00:14:58,083 So, every time you've cooked Mexican food, they've been fixing it. 342 00:14:58,283 --> 00:15:03,013 For the last 25 years. And just as a reminder, I'm only 16. 343 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,273 No. 344 00:15:05,653 --> 00:15:07,343 I don't buy it. [Scoffs] 345 00:15:07,543 --> 00:15:10,353 I'm a great cook. And we can settle this right now. 346 00:15:10,553 --> 00:15:13,023 Two kinds of tamales. 347 00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,643 Yours and mine. 348 00:15:14,843 --> 00:15:16,243 Let's let the people decide. 349 00:15:19,083 --> 00:15:23,713 All we needed was 15 minutes, primo. Now, half of us are gonna die. 350 00:15:25,673 --> 00:15:27,363 All right. Listen up, everybody! 351 00:15:27,563 --> 00:15:29,113 It's a tamale taste test. 352 00:15:29,313 --> 00:15:31,663 Step right up. 353 00:15:31,863 --> 00:15:33,333 - I'll do it. - [Andrea] Perfect. 354 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:34,933 Come on over. 355 00:15:38,013 --> 00:15:39,813 - Try this one first. - Okay. 356 00:15:44,023 --> 00:15:45,263 Hmm. 357 00:15:45,463 --> 00:15:46,463 Wow, this is delicious. 358 00:15:46,583 --> 00:15:48,133 Oh, is it? 359 00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:52,033 All right. Now, try this one. 360 00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:56,683 Is this supposed to look like that? 361 00:15:56,883 --> 00:15:58,743 Just slurp it up, rookie. 362 00:16:00,703 --> 00:16:01,703 No! 363 00:16:01,853 --> 00:16:03,613 [Indistinct chatter] 364 00:16:03,813 --> 00:16:05,133 Oh, that's disgusting. 365 00:16:06,383 --> 00:16:09,573 I'm so sorry, Ms. Gonzales. I don't know why I reacted like that. 366 00:16:09,773 --> 00:16:11,373 You've been in dusseldorf for 10 years. 367 00:16:11,563 --> 00:16:13,973 What the hell do you know? Get out of here. 368 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,163 All right. We need someone who knows what the hell they're talking about. 369 00:16:18,363 --> 00:16:22,423 Denise! Come on up here. Move your ass, Denise. 370 00:16:22,623 --> 00:16:26,903 All right. Here we go. You love my tamales, right? 371 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,183 - No! - [Woman gasps] 372 00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,063 Where is my crossbow? 373 00:16:35,253 --> 00:16:36,533 Denise? 374 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:42,753 Could my family all gather in front of me right now? 375 00:16:45,623 --> 00:16:47,753 [Upbeat music playing] 376 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:58,953 I have been cooking this food for you for decades, 377 00:16:59,153 --> 00:17:01,463 pouring my heart into every meal. 378 00:17:01,663 --> 00:17:05,293 And you reward me with lies and deception? 379 00:17:05,493 --> 00:17:07,923 You are the most despicable, 380 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:12,843 deceitful, sons of bitches on god's green earth 381 00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:15,933 and I hope that you and every one of you 382 00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:17,393 [indistinct] 383 00:17:17,593 --> 00:17:19,183 Get hit by a truck 384 00:17:19,383 --> 00:17:21,943 [indistinct] 385 00:17:22,133 --> 00:17:25,233 Filled with 4,000 pounds of shit 386 00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:27,023 because that's what you are. 387 00:17:27,223 --> 00:17:30,863 Trucks filled with [indistinct] 388 00:17:31,063 --> 00:17:36,263 And you can burn in the deepest depths of hell! 389 00:17:39,143 --> 00:17:41,723 Dammit! Why didn't you fix this? 390 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,813 [Car alarm wailing] 391 00:17:50,023 --> 00:17:51,593 [Dogs barking in distance] 392 00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:53,113 Hey. 393 00:17:56,323 --> 00:18:00,683 I know it's not how you imagined, but it was still beautiful. 394 00:18:00,883 --> 00:18:03,943 Those fireworks exploding behind drea's angry head, 395 00:18:04,143 --> 00:18:05,413 it was visual poetry. 396 00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:08,943 I mean, the face melters went off at the exact moment 397 00:18:09,143 --> 00:18:10,733 it looked like drea's face was melting. 398 00:18:10,933 --> 00:18:12,633 [Chuckles] 399 00:18:13,923 --> 00:18:14,923 Maybe you're right. 400 00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:20,663 Sometimes I get too close to it. I want it to be perfect. 401 00:18:20,863 --> 00:18:22,953 But the beauty of fireworks is their ephemerality. 402 00:18:23,153 --> 00:18:24,563 Exactly. 403 00:18:26,183 --> 00:18:29,293 I don't know what that word means but yes, that's right. 404 00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:31,963 Guys, I found out who did it. 405 00:18:32,163 --> 00:18:33,673 It was Miguel. 406 00:18:33,873 --> 00:18:35,013 Great job, dud. 407 00:18:35,213 --> 00:18:37,363 This concludes my investigation. 408 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:45,663 What you did was unforgivable. 409 00:18:47,203 --> 00:18:49,823 But it was also bold and daring. 410 00:18:50,013 --> 00:18:52,153 - You're ready. - I am? 411 00:18:52,353 --> 00:18:54,693 You remind me of me when I was your age. 412 00:18:54,893 --> 00:18:58,423 And someday, you'll be exactly like I am now. 413 00:18:59,343 --> 00:19:02,453 Oh. I definitely don't want that. 414 00:19:02,653 --> 00:19:03,893 All right. Never mind. 415 00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:06,873 Good luck. 416 00:19:07,073 --> 00:19:08,123 That kid sucks. 417 00:19:08,323 --> 00:19:09,683 Right? 418 00:19:11,393 --> 00:19:12,713 [Mya] So, how's your mom? 419 00:19:12,913 --> 00:19:14,513 well, once at one of the barbecues, 420 00:19:14,713 --> 00:19:17,683 the uncles managed to set a library on fire 421 00:19:17,883 --> 00:19:20,183 and she still talked to them afterward. 422 00:19:20,383 --> 00:19:22,013 But she's not talking to any of us now. 423 00:19:22,213 --> 00:19:26,163 So, she is pretty mad. 424 00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:31,613 Listen, I feel like I need to say something about what went down. 425 00:19:31,813 --> 00:19:34,443 I know what you're gonna say and I'm so embarrassed. 426 00:19:34,643 --> 00:19:36,363 Wait, you're embarrassed? 427 00:19:36,563 --> 00:19:38,993 Yeah. My family is ridiculous. 428 00:19:39,193 --> 00:19:41,783 I played that joke on you with my mom and it freaked you out 429 00:19:41,983 --> 00:19:43,123 and that was unfair. 430 00:19:43,323 --> 00:19:45,883 I kind of forgot we still don't really know each other that well. 431 00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:48,503 And then she made your uncle ryan Do all those pushups 432 00:19:48,703 --> 00:19:52,173 and Rockwell told me he tried to intimidate you guys like he always does. 433 00:19:52,373 --> 00:19:55,463 And I hit Mike with the tamale. So, I'm sorry. 434 00:19:55,663 --> 00:19:58,883 No. My family is crazy. 435 00:19:59,083 --> 00:20:00,393 Your family is great. 436 00:20:00,583 --> 00:20:02,183 Your uncles have spent all these years 437 00:20:02,383 --> 00:20:03,973 trying to keep your mom happy. 438 00:20:04,173 --> 00:20:06,123 I mean, they were lying, but still. 439 00:20:07,243 --> 00:20:08,743 [Upbeat music playing] 440 00:20:15,253 --> 00:20:16,283 [Rafa] What's this? 441 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:17,573 [Andrea] Breakfast. 442 00:20:17,773 --> 00:20:19,363 Apparently I don't know how to cook. 443 00:20:19,563 --> 00:20:20,843 So, I didn't cook. 444 00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:24,263 To be fair, nobody criticized your breakfast. 445 00:20:25,343 --> 00:20:27,303 But, we can make breakfast. 446 00:20:28,763 --> 00:20:31,353 And we'll go somewhere safe. 447 00:20:35,523 --> 00:20:36,803 Ma, I know you're mad. 448 00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,553 No, I'm not. I'm fine. 449 00:20:38,753 --> 00:20:40,473 You just fed everyone raw bacon. 450 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,763 - Uh-hmm. - Okay. 451 00:20:42,963 --> 00:20:45,853 Good news. So it turns out that Mya wasn't freaked out at all. 452 00:20:46,053 --> 00:20:48,449 In fact, she says she thought that it was sweet that our family 453 00:20:48,473 --> 00:20:52,023 is so close that your brothers would work this hard to try to protect your feelings. 454 00:20:52,223 --> 00:20:53,983 So... 455 00:20:54,183 --> 00:20:56,623 i guess she did see us for who we really are. 456 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,803 - See you after school. - Uh-hmm. 457 00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:06,633 [Sighs] Everyone, living room, now. 458 00:21:07,593 --> 00:21:09,793 What you all did was deceitful. 459 00:21:09,993 --> 00:21:12,373 I understand why you did it. 460 00:21:12,573 --> 00:21:16,423 But if this family is gonna stay together, we cannot have secrets. 461 00:21:16,623 --> 00:21:19,713 So, if there's anything else that you've been hiding from me 462 00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:22,553 or lying to me about, tell me now. 463 00:21:22,753 --> 00:21:24,493 I promise I won't get angry. 464 00:21:29,373 --> 00:21:31,563 Okay. I guess, I'll go first. 465 00:21:31,763 --> 00:21:35,083 Um, I read your diary when we were kids. 466 00:21:36,163 --> 00:21:37,923 Do you still wanna marry Aladdin? 467 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:41,243 You don't have to answer. 468 00:21:41,443 --> 00:21:44,203 Um, I was the one who crashed your car. 469 00:21:44,403 --> 00:21:47,333 I know you crashed my car, Rollie, because I was in it. 470 00:21:47,533 --> 00:21:48,993 Both my arms got broken. 471 00:21:49,193 --> 00:21:52,213 No, that was a different time. Like way before that crash. 472 00:21:52,403 --> 00:21:54,873 Remember? I lied and said I got carjacked. 473 00:21:55,073 --> 00:21:57,343 - That was my car. - [Rollie] It was? 474 00:21:57,543 --> 00:21:59,343 Well, you're not allowed to get mad either. 475 00:21:59,543 --> 00:22:00,863 Hey, somebody else go. 476 00:22:01,813 --> 00:22:05,643 I know I often say you're my best friend but really it's my wife. 477 00:22:05,843 --> 00:22:07,353 That's the way it should be. 478 00:22:07,553 --> 00:22:09,563 Also I found dad. He lives in Florida. 479 00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:10,883 - [Both] What? - [Mike] Whoa. 480 00:22:11,013 --> 00:22:13,243 It's fine. He's a horrible person. 481 00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:17,483 I also read your diary once. 482 00:22:17,683 --> 00:22:20,283 But it was when we were adults. 483 00:22:20,473 --> 00:22:22,863 It was today actually like an hour ago. 484 00:22:23,063 --> 00:22:26,873 I picked it up by accident then I really got sucked in. 485 00:22:27,063 --> 00:22:28,383 You're an excellent writer. 486 00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:32,163 [Clears throat] I stole your skechers shape-ups 487 00:22:32,363 --> 00:22:33,713 because they make me look taller. 488 00:22:33,903 --> 00:22:35,373 You wear the same shoe size as drea? 489 00:22:35,573 --> 00:22:39,133 No, I ball my foot up like a little fist. That's not the point. 490 00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:41,593 Look, we all came clean. But what about you? 491 00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:44,553 This goes both ways. Is there anything that you wanna confess to us? 492 00:22:44,753 --> 00:22:47,443 Anything that you've ever lied to us about? 493 00:22:49,073 --> 00:22:50,433 You really can't see me? 494 00:22:50,633 --> 00:22:51,993 Who said that? 495 00:22:53,913 --> 00:22:55,943 Drea. I'm right here. 496 00:22:56,143 --> 00:22:57,693 [Andrea] Oh... 497 00:22:57,893 --> 00:22:59,813 Oh my god. You look exactly like Nick lachey. 498 00:23:00,013 --> 00:23:01,613 Right? 499 00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:03,233 I didn't do it, drea. 500 00:23:03,433 --> 00:23:04,823 I believe you. 501 00:23:05,023 --> 00:23:07,323 New mascot for the business. 502 00:23:07,523 --> 00:23:09,783 This is a very good idea. 503 00:23:09,983 --> 00:23:13,453 I call it saturn's scrotum. 504 00:23:13,653 --> 00:23:15,833 It's stunning. 505 00:23:16,033 --> 00:23:19,643 I have never lied to any of you and I never will. 506 00:23:29,153 --> 00:23:31,153 {\an8}[Grunting] 507 00:23:38,743 --> 00:23:42,003 [Exhales deeply] 508 00:23:51,303 --> 00:23:53,223 {\an8}[Theme music playing] 509 00:24:52,493 --> 00:24:54,013 {\an8}[Andrea] next on Primo... 510 00:24:54,213 --> 00:24:55,229 Your brother's in trouble. 511 00:24:55,253 --> 00:24:56,773 You're gonna have to be more specific. 512 00:24:56,803 --> 00:25:00,523 Can I borrow your car tomorrow? Mya asked me for a ride home. 513 00:25:00,723 --> 00:25:02,029 How'd it go? Did the Cologne work? 514 00:25:02,053 --> 00:25:03,483 How'd it go? Terrible. 515 00:25:03,683 --> 00:25:04,773 They're in the woods now? 516 00:25:04,973 --> 00:25:05,973 Rollie? 517 00:25:06,023 --> 00:25:07,749 [Mike] Let me know if you're Looking for extra cash. 518 00:25:07,773 --> 00:25:09,903 I always need bodies. And grab some garbage bags. 519 00:25:10,103 --> 00:25:12,864 There's a bunch of dead squirrels we gotta get rid of at the job site.