1
00:00:01,873 --> 00:00:03,539
{\an8}I can't believe
I didn't know this about you.
2
00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:04,863
{\an8}- Nobody does.
- I mean,
3
00:00:05,063 --> 00:00:09,363
{\an8}i knew you liked to read romance novels,
but I had no idea you wanted to write one.
4
00:00:09,563 --> 00:00:10,913
I actually started already.
5
00:00:11,103 --> 00:00:12,243
You did?
6
00:00:12,443 --> 00:00:16,373
I did. Yeah.
I even, um, I came up with my pen name.
7
00:00:16,573 --> 00:00:19,043
Ruby sapphire Pearl.
8
00:00:19,243 --> 00:00:22,133
- Oh, girl, you sound so expensive.
- Yeah.
9
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,393
Check it out.
10
00:00:27,443 --> 00:00:29,133
[Esther] Wait. Is that Usher?
11
00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,473
No.
12
00:00:30,673 --> 00:00:32,649
- Wait. Is that you?
- No. That's just another woman.
13
00:00:32,673 --> 00:00:34,533
Just some regular woman. It's not me.
14
00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,173
[Esther] Girl, that's the store we're in.
15
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:39,023
- No, it's not.
- Okay.
16
00:00:39,223 --> 00:00:40,563
Then what's the book about?
17
00:00:40,763 --> 00:00:43,233
A famous R&B singer
stops in at a convenience store
18
00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:46,113
after a concert in town and
he falls in love with the store manager.
19
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,313
Uh-hmm.
20
00:00:47,353 --> 00:00:49,283
What? It's not Usher and it's not me.
21
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,163
Okay. All right.
So what's the book called?
22
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,243
I have a few different options.
23
00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:55,873
- Like what?
- All right.
24
00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:57,133
Maybe something like,
25
00:00:58,763 --> 00:01:01,083
- "his body was weary from the road.
- [Esther] Uh-hmm.
26
00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,673
- Her body was weary from the world."
- Yeah.
27
00:01:03,873 --> 00:01:06,253
- They both needed something.
- What'd they need?
28
00:01:06,453 --> 00:01:08,883
- "Night pump."
- Oh, that's good.
29
00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:10,083
- That's good.
- Yeah?
30
00:01:10,213 --> 00:01:12,883
"The store wasn't
the only thing open 24 hours."
31
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:16,143
- [Esther] Oh.
- "A pump of convenience."
32
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,973
Oh, keep going. Come on.
33
00:01:18,173 --> 00:01:20,813
"A mysterious stranger in need of gas,
34
00:01:21,013 --> 00:01:25,063
an enticed store manager
in need of so much more."
35
00:01:25,263 --> 00:01:27,233
"Pump her up."
36
00:01:27,433 --> 00:01:29,113
Damn. Usher's doing a lot of pumping.
37
00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:31,283
It's not Usher, Esther!
38
00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,493
[Theme music playing]
39
00:01:33,693 --> 00:01:36,633
[Birds chirping]
40
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,503
[Rafa] I was thinking of checking out
The school play next week.
41
00:01:41,703 --> 00:01:43,833
they're doing a stage adaptation
Of Training day,
42
00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,793
but instead of cops,
it's gonna be teachers.
43
00:01:45,993 --> 00:01:48,963
They're calling it Explaining day.
Are you gonna go?
44
00:01:49,163 --> 00:01:52,093
I was really looking forward to it,
but my parents won't let me go.
45
00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:54,633
They heard the theatre kids
got busted for butt-chugging.
46
00:01:54,833 --> 00:01:57,803
Oh, bummer.
Wait, what's butt-chugging?
47
00:01:58,003 --> 00:02:00,163
[Scoffs] It's exactly
what you think it is.
48
00:02:01,373 --> 00:02:03,783
What happened to good
old-fashioned heroin? You know?
49
00:02:04,203 --> 00:02:07,063
Or when people smoked crack
In the parking lot after school.
50
00:02:07,263 --> 00:02:08,983
you know, those are the days that I miss.
51
00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:10,659
- [Mya laughs]
- [Steve] Who's that on the phone
52
00:02:10,683 --> 00:02:11,683
[Mya] Hey, dad.
53
00:02:11,773 --> 00:02:13,003
it's rafa.
54
00:02:13,923 --> 00:02:15,573
- Don't say my name.
- [Steve] Rafa,
55
00:02:15,773 --> 00:02:17,203
the kid who kept you out late?
56
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:18,663
[Mya] At the carnival? Yeah.
57
00:02:18,863 --> 00:02:20,493
please stop giving him details.
58
00:02:20,693 --> 00:02:23,473
What is she supposed to do,
young man, lie to me?
59
00:02:31,983 --> 00:02:33,693
[Rafa] May I hang up, sir?
60
00:02:34,653 --> 00:02:36,573
were you one of the butt-chuggers?
61
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,493
- Drink with your mouth, son.
- [Disconnects call]
62
00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:46,793
Rafa, did you hang up?
63
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,503
He hung up.
64
00:02:51,673 --> 00:02:54,863
It's over. Mr. Perkins is never gonna
let Mya hang out with us
65
00:02:55,063 --> 00:02:56,423
if he thinks I smoke crack.
66
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:58,703
Which I don't.
67
00:02:58,903 --> 00:03:00,209
No one thinks you smoke crack, man.
68
00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,879
You got a stomachache
from a gummy vitamin.
69
00:03:01,903 --> 00:03:03,793
Is Mya's dad the army guy
with all the guns?
70
00:03:03,993 --> 00:03:05,623
Mm, no. He's air force. They got drones.
71
00:03:05,823 --> 00:03:08,584
He could probably kill rafa
with a missile he controls from his phone.
72
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,923
Great. Now, I have to worry
about airborne strikes too.
73
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:15,673
Dude, relax. You're in a great spot.
You are the bad boy now.
74
00:03:15,873 --> 00:03:17,513
- I didn't do anything bad.
- So?
75
00:03:17,713 --> 00:03:20,303
Forbidden love, that's the key
to all great love stories.
76
00:03:20,503 --> 00:03:22,473
Romeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.
77
00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:25,643
Gnomeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.
78
00:03:25,843 --> 00:03:27,893
He's right.
Your next move, actually do drugs.
79
00:03:28,093 --> 00:03:29,533
Or at least show up to school drunk.
80
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,023
Take advantage of the situation.
81
00:03:31,223 --> 00:03:34,443
Then her dad will never let her see you
and you will be golden, my guy.
82
00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:36,443
He definitely already hates me.
83
00:03:36,643 --> 00:03:40,323
Mya sent me phone emoji,
circle slash emoji, skull emoji,
84
00:03:40,523 --> 00:03:41,959
and then a screenshot of her contacts
85
00:03:41,983 --> 00:03:43,743
where she changed my number
to "scam likely."
86
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,623
Yeah, you're toast. Good as droned.
87
00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:47,463
Maybe I should switch schools.
88
00:03:47,653 --> 00:03:49,963
Or I could drop out
and move into the woods.
89
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,343
Or... you kill mister Perkins first.
90
00:03:53,543 --> 00:03:56,593
A preemptive strike.
Then you'll be the ultimate bad boy.
91
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:59,653
I'm not gonna blow up mister Perkins,
Miguel.
92
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,653
I'm so tired of hanging out
with you losers.
93
00:04:03,703 --> 00:04:04,703
Where's Jay?
94
00:04:04,843 --> 00:04:07,449
I need help unloading my sculptures
and he's the only one mature enough
95
00:04:07,473 --> 00:04:08,949
not to comment on their erotic nature.
96
00:04:08,973 --> 00:04:12,023
They're all wangs.
You expect us not to comment on that?
97
00:04:12,223 --> 00:04:14,733
He's out of town on a job.
He'll be back tomorrow.
98
00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:17,923
I'd offer to help,
but I've got a big day today.
99
00:04:18,543 --> 00:04:21,213
Completely unreachable until 4:00.
100
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,883
Anybody wanna ask me why?
101
00:04:26,473 --> 00:04:28,183
All right. Well... my life then, huh?
102
00:04:30,563 --> 00:04:31,563
[Door closes]
103
00:04:31,703 --> 00:04:32,703
- Mike.
- [Mike] Hmm.
104
00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:34,559
- Come help me at the flea market.
- [Mike] I can't.
105
00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:37,713
There's a job fair at primo's school.
I'm working the army recruitment booth.
106
00:04:37,913 --> 00:04:40,013
Also, I do not wanna touch your penis art.
107
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,763
[Mondo] It's not just "penis art."
108
00:04:41,963 --> 00:04:44,183
It's an artistic exploration
attempting to demystify
109
00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:45,513
the phallus in our culture.
110
00:04:45,713 --> 00:04:46,973
They've got veins.
111
00:04:47,173 --> 00:04:48,273
Rollie?
112
00:04:48,473 --> 00:04:49,523
Hey, no, can do.
113
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,563
I hooked up with the flea market mascot
who turned out to have crabs.
114
00:04:52,763 --> 00:04:55,233
They're crazy, right? A flea with crabs?
115
00:04:55,433 --> 00:04:58,113
[Laughs] Hey, life's a highway, man.
116
00:04:58,313 --> 00:05:00,193
They hired a new lady
to wear the flea costume.
117
00:05:00,393 --> 00:05:02,113
- Come on.
- All right. I'm in.
118
00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:03,633
Can't get crabs twice.
119
00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:09,793
Uh, rafa, what are your plans today?
120
00:05:09,993 --> 00:05:10,993
Before you answer that,
121
00:05:11,153 --> 00:05:13,373
have you considered
working the job in recruitment fair
122
00:05:13,573 --> 00:05:14,613
with your cool uncle Mike?
123
00:05:14,663 --> 00:05:16,043
Not once have I considered that.
124
00:05:16,243 --> 00:05:19,173
Come on. Help me out.
Competition this year is gonna be tough.
125
00:05:19,373 --> 00:05:21,723
The Navy guys,
they're using the swimming pool
126
00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:23,263
for seal team demonstrations.
127
00:05:23,463 --> 00:05:26,643
Mya's dad is doing the air force booth.
He brought a flight simulator.
128
00:05:26,843 --> 00:05:27,939
Mya's dad is gonna be there?
129
00:05:27,963 --> 00:05:29,843
Yeah. A lot of people's dads
are gonna be there.
130
00:05:30,573 --> 00:05:32,983
Well, if you really
need my help, then yeah, sure.
131
00:05:33,183 --> 00:05:34,183
- Really?
- [Rafa] Yeah.
132
00:05:34,343 --> 00:05:35,983
Okay. Cool. Yeah.
133
00:05:36,183 --> 00:05:38,573
You're finally gonna get
to see me do what I do.
134
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,193
We have an obstacle course.
135
00:05:40,393 --> 00:05:44,203
If a kid makes it all the way through,
boom, camouflage keychains.
136
00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:46,303
Why would you wanna
make keys harder to find?
137
00:05:47,553 --> 00:05:50,333
See? You're already
a valuable member of the team.
138
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,753
We're gonna go with the stress balls.
139
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,643
Let's go. You carry that.
140
00:05:57,393 --> 00:05:58,393
- Have fun.
- [Rafa] Bye.
141
00:05:58,583 --> 00:05:59,813
Okay. Love you.
142
00:06:00,983 --> 00:06:02,273
- [Mike] Bye.
- Bye.
143
00:06:04,443 --> 00:06:05,653
[Mike] After you.
144
00:06:10,163 --> 00:06:14,793
Gone, gone, out, gone, gone, gone.
145
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,713
Oh, my god. They're all gone.
146
00:06:19,623 --> 00:06:21,923
Eight hours of nothing.
147
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,573
[Upbeat music playing]
148
00:06:26,773 --> 00:06:29,723
[Indistinct chatter]
149
00:06:32,853 --> 00:06:35,643
How's this? I arranged them all by size.
150
00:06:36,933 --> 00:06:39,313
I like it. It's like an erotic staircase.
151
00:06:43,443 --> 00:06:48,743
Morning, mondo. Great day for leather.
Real leather weather.
152
00:06:49,783 --> 00:06:51,013
Leave me alone, Gary.
153
00:06:51,213 --> 00:06:53,933
You must be one of mondo's many brothers.
154
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:58,123
I'm Gary morales.
But you can call me leatherman.
155
00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:01,483
Is this a leather business card?
156
00:07:01,683 --> 00:07:02,783
It sure is, peanut.
157
00:07:02,973 --> 00:07:04,993
And I only made one, so I need it back.
158
00:07:05,193 --> 00:07:07,573
Take a good look. Memorize it.
159
00:07:07,773 --> 00:07:10,803
- "Leatherman at leatherman.Biz."
- That's right.
160
00:07:11,883 --> 00:07:15,833
New drop today, Muchachos.
Business will be brisk.
161
00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,063
You don't mind if I take this, do you?
162
00:07:21,063 --> 00:07:22,693
Sorry about your dicks.
163
00:07:24,773 --> 00:07:26,693
- Hey, I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?
164
00:07:26,873 --> 00:07:28,473
I'm gonna go cave this guy's head in.
165
00:07:28,673 --> 00:07:31,073
And I gotta do it quick,
so it doesn't become "premeditated."
166
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,063
Rollie, violence is never right.
167
00:07:33,263 --> 00:07:34,933
Hey, what's the deal with this guy?
168
00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:36,859
It's a long story.
And I don't wanna get into it.
169
00:07:36,883 --> 00:07:38,843
We can just display
the sculptures on the blanket.
170
00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:40,193
It'll look more natural,
171
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,713
like the penises
are growing out of the earth.
172
00:07:45,503 --> 00:07:48,503
[Upbeat music playing]
173
00:08:03,773 --> 00:08:05,883
Okay. So you're being extra weird today.
174
00:08:06,083 --> 00:08:08,593
No, I'm not. My dream girl
is coming into the bank today.
175
00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:10,013
Priscilla Diaz.
176
00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:13,103
I've been handling her accounts
for three months now and I'm telling you,
177
00:08:13,303 --> 00:08:15,643
she is the one.
Today, we finally meet.
178
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:17,683
She's "the one," and you've never met her?
179
00:08:17,883 --> 00:08:19,733
That's right.
I know everything I need to know.
180
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,353
She has a fully funded roth ira.
181
00:08:21,553 --> 00:08:23,699
She moved her money
from fixed income and into equities
182
00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:26,153
to perfectly take advantage
of the bull market of 2021.
183
00:08:26,353 --> 00:08:27,903
So yeah, she's got it all.
184
00:08:28,103 --> 00:08:29,789
Why don't you just
be normal and date someone
185
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,323
who you've actually
seen before like Claudia?
186
00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:35,743
Claudia? She collects beanie babies.
187
00:08:35,943 --> 00:08:37,103
Those are endangered animals.
188
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,883
And she only gets those
because she donates to a wildlife charity.
189
00:08:39,993 --> 00:08:42,173
Oh, so she just gives her money away?
Uh, real smart.
190
00:08:42,373 --> 00:08:46,843
Priscilla Diaz would never do that.
Plus, she's only an account manager.
191
00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:48,593
- You're an account manager.
- Exactly.
192
00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:51,683
You date for the job you want,
not the job you have.
193
00:08:51,883 --> 00:08:55,263
[Mike] The key to a successful
recruitment fair is determination.
194
00:08:55,463 --> 00:08:56,933
And discipline.
195
00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:58,243
And dedication.
196
00:08:58,873 --> 00:08:59,893
And bouncy castles.
197
00:09:00,093 --> 00:09:01,443
That's a lot of keys.
198
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,913
Maybe we should've
brought those keychains after all.
199
00:09:05,623 --> 00:09:08,573
Hi, Mr. Perkins. Sir.
200
00:09:08,773 --> 00:09:12,703
San Antonio's very own nino brown.
How's the crack cocaine business?
201
00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:15,913
Oh. Ha. Very funny joke.
202
00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:19,583
But I would never sell
crack cocaine or smoke it.
203
00:09:19,783 --> 00:09:23,833
I, I don't even crack jokes, or eggs,
or anything else that you can crack,
204
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:25,603
especially cocaine.
205
00:09:26,603 --> 00:09:27,853
Are you high right now?
206
00:09:29,483 --> 00:09:32,553
Another good one.
Wow. You're on a roll today, sir.
207
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:36,353
No, of course, I'm not high.
High on patriotism, maybe.
208
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,893
Other than that, completely sober.
Do you have a breathalyzer?
209
00:09:40,093 --> 00:09:43,273
Or a cup. Uh, you know, for pee?
210
00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:46,733
I, I'd be... I'd be so happy
to give you some of my urine, sir.
211
00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,323
It would be an absolute honor
and a privilege.
212
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,523
Just one without pens.
213
00:09:50,603 --> 00:09:52,133
I don't want your urine, Rafael.
214
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,113
Right.
215
00:09:54,313 --> 00:09:57,833
Hey, bud.
I know what's going on here.
216
00:09:58,023 --> 00:09:59,223
You do?
217
00:09:59,973 --> 00:10:01,913
I know you're scared.
218
00:10:02,113 --> 00:10:04,373
But this obstacle course
is completely safe.
219
00:10:04,573 --> 00:10:06,509
Why don't you give it
a practice run before we start?
220
00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:08,349
- Come on. I'll time you.
- [Rafa] I don't really...
221
00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:09,753
- [Mike] Ready?
- [Rafa] Watch out.
222
00:10:09,953 --> 00:10:11,053
Crawl and weave!
223
00:10:11,253 --> 00:10:13,633
Crawl and weave, primo. Crawl and weave!
224
00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,943
Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Jump!
225
00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:20,783
Sniper got you.
You're dead. Start over.
226
00:10:26,163 --> 00:10:28,543
[Mike] All right. Shoes off.
I'll be back to time you.
227
00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:32,153
Remember, there's a lot
of jobs in the army,
228
00:10:32,353 --> 00:10:34,419
it's not just combat.
That's important to tell these kids.
229
00:10:34,443 --> 00:10:36,039
- Uh-huh.
- And a good thing about having you here
230
00:10:36,063 --> 00:10:37,589
is everyone will know right away clearly
231
00:10:37,613 --> 00:10:38,743
you do not have to fight.
232
00:10:38,943 --> 00:10:40,833
- Absolutely.
- This is fun, huh?
233
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,583
You and me, quality time?
234
00:10:42,783 --> 00:10:45,083
Primo, let me run something by you.
235
00:10:45,283 --> 00:10:46,849
Why do you think
I don't have a girlfriend?
236
00:10:46,873 --> 00:10:49,593
I mean, I got the prescription deodorant,
so it's not that anymore.
237
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:50,783
Yeah, totally.
238
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,843
Hello there. I'm Ryan,
senior executive account manager.
239
00:10:59,043 --> 00:11:01,063
It would be my honor to assist you
240
00:11:01,253 --> 00:11:04,563
with all your needs today,
Ms. Lisa guzman?
241
00:11:04,763 --> 00:11:07,563
Ugh. Paul can help you.
242
00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:09,863
Paul? This chick needs something.
243
00:11:10,053 --> 00:11:13,003
[Telephone ringing in distance]
244
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,903
Hey, do you want me to take over
greeting the customers?
245
00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:19,203
'Cause you're being such a jackass today.
246
00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:21,533
I'm sorry. I'm fine. I got it. Yeah.
247
00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:24,163
Oh, also apparently
the outdoor atm is down.
248
00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,963
Yes. There's a McDonald's pancake
in the deposit slot.
249
00:11:27,163 --> 00:11:28,463
What?
250
00:11:28,663 --> 00:11:30,043
I'm sorry, I should be more clear.
251
00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:32,559
I stuffed a McDonald's pancake
in there so that it would break.
252
00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:34,099
So then everybody would have to come in,
253
00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:36,479
and then I can finally meet
the woman that I'm in love with.
254
00:11:36,503 --> 00:11:39,973
Oh. Today is the day you meet
"investment account ending in 6421?"
255
00:11:40,173 --> 00:11:43,893
Yup. Claudia, let me ask you a question.
Imagine that you work at a bank.
256
00:11:44,093 --> 00:11:46,143
- I do work in a bank.
- Great. Stay with that.
257
00:11:46,343 --> 00:11:48,343
Now, imagine that you're trying
to impress a client
258
00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:50,913
whose account information
you are very familiar with.
259
00:11:53,423 --> 00:11:55,333
Which of these ties would you choose?
260
00:11:57,213 --> 00:11:58,923
I think you look good in both.
261
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:04,663
Well, great. That's not helpful.
Thanks for nothing, Anna wintour.
262
00:12:04,863 --> 00:12:07,803
[Singer singing in Spanish]
263
00:12:23,363 --> 00:12:25,783
- [Cartoons on TV]
- [Laughing]
264
00:12:27,953 --> 00:12:32,773
[Cries] What is...
He's never even seen the sunlight, it's...
265
00:12:32,973 --> 00:12:35,923
[Singer singing in Spanish]
266
00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:43,263
She led him to the stockroom,
where he revealed his inventory.
267
00:12:46,053 --> 00:12:49,583
Oh, his, his rising inventory.
268
00:12:49,783 --> 00:12:52,753
Oh, that's good. Rising.
269
00:12:52,953 --> 00:12:55,293
That's so good, Esther. Yeah.
270
00:12:55,493 --> 00:12:58,443
[Singer singing in Spanish]
271
00:13:03,943 --> 00:13:05,073
[Gasps]
272
00:13:06,073 --> 00:13:08,243
The baby has amnesia?
273
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,563
Oh, my god.
274
00:13:11,763 --> 00:13:14,703
[Latin music playing]
275
00:13:17,423 --> 00:13:19,883
[Singer singing in Spanish]
276
00:13:25,093 --> 00:13:26,093
[Groans]
277
00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:30,663
Leather underwear. Leather visor.
Ma'am?
278
00:13:30,863 --> 00:13:35,253
Leather onesie for the little one?
It's treated. The poop slides right off.
279
00:13:35,453 --> 00:13:36,453
[Woman] No, thanks.
280
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:40,403
No? Your baby's ugly anyway.
281
00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:49,353
Hey! You got mud on our blanket!
282
00:13:49,553 --> 00:13:52,523
You should've put your stuff on a table.
283
00:13:52,723 --> 00:13:54,563
Rollie, don't.
284
00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:57,003
Hey, you gotta tell me
what's up with this guy.
285
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,783
Believe it or not,
leatherman used to be my best friend.
286
00:14:00,983 --> 00:14:02,613
Back then, he was just "Gary."
287
00:14:02,813 --> 00:14:05,203
[Indistinct chatter]
288
00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:07,493
[Mondo] It was the end
Of strawberry season.
289
00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,993
after the harvest,
We both had money to spend.
290
00:14:10,193 --> 00:14:12,413
I have a business proposition for you.
291
00:14:12,613 --> 00:14:16,853
There's a cattle auction coming to town.
What if you and I went in half on a cow?
292
00:14:18,393 --> 00:14:21,463
[Mondo] I was thrilled.
It was like having a thousand-pound dog.
293
00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:23,973
that cow and I,
We had a spiritual connection.
294
00:14:24,173 --> 00:14:26,533
like we had been friends in a past life.
295
00:14:27,323 --> 00:14:29,183
good girl!
296
00:14:29,383 --> 00:14:31,063
I thought he loved her as much as I did.
297
00:14:31,263 --> 00:14:35,063
but soon I discovered
That he had very different intentions.
298
00:14:35,263 --> 00:14:38,373
everything went great!
We should at least double our money.
299
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,653
How could you do this?
300
00:14:41,853 --> 00:14:46,883
I lost two friends that day.
The cow died and Gary did, too.
301
00:14:47,963 --> 00:14:49,783
Leatherman was born in his place.
302
00:14:49,983 --> 00:14:54,543
Yo, I remember Gary now.
From years ago. Yeah, that guy's a dick.
303
00:14:54,743 --> 00:14:57,003
Hey, you're carving them for a living,
304
00:14:57,203 --> 00:14:59,673
but can't see when there's
a human one right in front of you?
305
00:14:59,873 --> 00:15:02,213
You know
what the difference between us is?
306
00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:06,193
That I choose peace.
That's why I've never been to jail.
307
00:15:08,113 --> 00:15:12,603
Except for that time that I did ayahuasca
and went into the ihop without pants.
308
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:16,603
Hey, look, you don't want me to fight him?
I won't fight him.
309
00:15:16,803 --> 00:15:19,023
But you gotta stand up for yourself.
310
00:15:19,223 --> 00:15:23,363
If not for you, then do it for...
Uh, what was your dog cow's name?
311
00:15:23,563 --> 00:15:24,613
Moo-chelle pfeiffer.
312
00:15:24,813 --> 00:15:26,363
Yeah, moo-chelle.
313
00:15:26,563 --> 00:15:28,203
You're under enemy fire.
314
00:15:28,403 --> 00:15:32,453
Your platoon is the last hope
to get this nuclear warhead to safety.
315
00:15:32,653 --> 00:15:36,043
The fate of the United States
of america is in your hands.
316
00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:37,603
Godspeed.
317
00:15:38,933 --> 00:15:39,973
[Device beeps]
318
00:15:41,813 --> 00:15:42,813
[Whistle blows]
319
00:15:42,993 --> 00:15:45,633
Juan! Too slow! You're dead.
Pass the nuke to Carla.
320
00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,513
- Hey, are you timing this?
- Yeah, sorry.
321
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,393
Uh, Carla's got 20 seconds left
before that bomb destroys San Antonio.
322
00:15:51,593 --> 00:15:53,353
Excuse me just one sec.
323
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,523
Leave him behind, Carla!
It's too late for him!
324
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:57,783
Keep going!
325
00:15:58,493 --> 00:16:04,113
Ah, the old, uh, f-15 strike eagle.
326
00:16:04,313 --> 00:16:06,383
- Yeah.
- Nice.
327
00:16:08,883 --> 00:16:10,593
Mind if I give her a whirl?
328
00:16:13,093 --> 00:16:15,873
Well, the olive garden recruiter
brought out the free breadsticks
329
00:16:16,073 --> 00:16:20,293
and everyone ran over there,
so, sure. Go crazy.
330
00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:23,233
- Okay.
- Let's get you set up here.
331
00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,183
I think I see.
332
00:16:31,383 --> 00:16:33,643
Yeah. Check her out.
333
00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:36,783
[Planes hovering over monitor]
334
00:16:40,293 --> 00:16:42,663
[Beeping]
335
00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:44,413
[Explosion]
336
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,923
Direct hit. Not bad.
337
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:52,203
Thank you, sir.
338
00:16:52,403 --> 00:16:54,533
- Enjoy that leather toilet seat cover.
- I will.
339
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:59,333
Man, I'm crushing carcass today.
How's the wooden dick business?
340
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:02,123
Ironically, it looks like a soft market.
341
00:17:02,323 --> 00:17:06,593
Hey, take your revenge.
Do it for moo-chelle.
342
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:10,133
Oh, is that what you're thinking about?
343
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:13,933
Your old cow friend? [Laughs]
That is hilarious.
344
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:18,283
She was my first murdered cow.
I still wear her sometimes, mondo.
345
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:23,333
She tanned up good. Real good.
346
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:28,983
[Upbeat Latin music playing]
347
00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,803
[Yells] No! My leather goods!
348
00:17:35,473 --> 00:17:38,473
[Indistinct chatter]
349
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:47,643
Look me in the eyes, Gary.
Look me in the eye...
350
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:53,803
This revenge had a lot more urine
than I was anticipating.
351
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,513
How much is it usually?
352
00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:56,803
Zero.
353
00:17:57,003 --> 00:17:58,473
[Mondo] Uh-hmm.
354
00:17:58,673 --> 00:18:00,113
[Rollie chuckles]
355
00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:07,003
Nice job.
One of the best scores I've seen all day.
356
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,003
Thank you.
357
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,323
I appreciate you letting me test her out.
358
00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:13,653
What are you doing?
359
00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:15,703
Destroying tanks
with heat-seeking missiles.
360
00:18:15,903 --> 00:18:18,993
Wack. You're supposed to be
helping me at the army booth.
361
00:18:19,193 --> 00:18:21,043
I was counting on you and you let me down.
362
00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:22,663
Seems like you let each other down.
363
00:18:22,863 --> 00:18:25,423
[Mike] Oh, no.
Evacuate the obstacle course!
364
00:18:25,623 --> 00:18:26,713
You are in danger!
365
00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:29,353
The structural integrity
has been compromised!
366
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,093
- Army.
- [Mike] Evacuate now!
367
00:18:33,293 --> 00:18:36,483
He'll be fine.
He's very good at evacuations.
368
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,513
He doesn't give a crap
about helping me recruit kids
369
00:18:40,713 --> 00:18:42,933
into the armed forces.
It's basically treason!
370
00:18:43,133 --> 00:18:45,523
- What?
- [Mike] He lied to me, drea!
371
00:18:45,723 --> 00:18:47,163
- yeah.
- [Mike] And I know you think
372
00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:48,993
i get defensive about defending america,
373
00:18:49,063 --> 00:18:50,409
- but defending america...
- No, no, I think you're great,
374
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,433
uh, in america.
375
00:18:51,603 --> 00:18:52,823
Is literally my job.
376
00:18:53,023 --> 00:18:55,613
I have dedicated my life
to making us all safe.
377
00:18:55,813 --> 00:19:00,583
And the first rule of boot camp, drea,
is that you respect your uncle.
378
00:19:00,783 --> 00:19:03,703
That is why they call him uncle Sam, drea.
379
00:19:03,903 --> 00:19:05,213
Family is important.
380
00:19:05,403 --> 00:19:06,603
[Mike] That's what I'm saying!
381
00:19:06,743 --> 00:19:09,083
well, I'm sure
you and Ryan will work it out, okay?
382
00:19:09,283 --> 00:19:10,393
Talk soon.
383
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,513
Drea? Ryan's...
384
00:19:16,713 --> 00:19:18,743
I'm not with Ryan!
385
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,643
[Sighs] God.
386
00:19:21,843 --> 00:19:25,373
Just leave it alone. I'll do it myself.
Just like I did all day.
387
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,693
Uncle Mike, uh, that's my bad, okay?
388
00:19:31,893 --> 00:19:36,073
Apologies not accepted.
We were supposed to be working in tandem,
389
00:19:36,273 --> 00:19:39,663
to recruit soldiers and improve
the strength and might of the us military.
390
00:19:39,863 --> 00:19:41,133
And...
391
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,793
- You hurt my feelings.
- I know.
392
00:19:44,993 --> 00:19:47,623
It's just, Mya's dad kinda hates me,
393
00:19:47,823 --> 00:19:51,543
and he's not gonna let Mya
hang out with me if he hates me.
394
00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:53,393
So I thought I could,
395
00:19:54,153 --> 00:19:58,303
I don't know, just spend some time
with him, try to get him on my side.
396
00:19:58,503 --> 00:20:01,013
Well, whatever. You shouldn't have lied.
397
00:20:01,213 --> 00:20:04,703
And your mom, I called her about it,
she completely agrees with me.
398
00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:09,373
Yeah.
Yeah. I know.
399
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,783
Maybe she'll come next Saturday.
400
00:20:20,983 --> 00:20:23,663
I guess.
You want some charcuterie?
401
00:20:23,863 --> 00:20:25,043
Sure.
402
00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,123
Nope. That ham is sweaty.
403
00:20:27,323 --> 00:20:30,503
Yeah, this ham is fully wet. Mm.
404
00:20:30,703 --> 00:20:31,703
Do not eat that.
405
00:20:32,393 --> 00:20:33,463
Yeah.
406
00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:37,213
Hey, thanks for being so cool today.
I'm sorry if I was a little nutty.
407
00:20:37,413 --> 00:20:38,473
It's okay.
408
00:20:38,663 --> 00:20:41,303
Or it's actually not "okay,"
because you're deeply weird,
409
00:20:41,503 --> 00:20:43,763
but it's enough "okay"
that I can tell you it's okay.
410
00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:46,013
[Laughs] Do you have any plans tonight?
411
00:20:46,213 --> 00:20:48,983
Me and some friends
are going to a concert downtown.
412
00:20:49,183 --> 00:20:50,193
You into music?
413
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,383
Hmm.
414
00:20:51,433 --> 00:20:52,873
Come on, what's your favorite album?
415
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:54,813
Oh, no. You're gonna think it's stupid.
416
00:20:55,013 --> 00:20:56,373
Probably.
417
00:20:57,633 --> 00:21:01,363
It's Unleash the champion inside you,
By Bernie snorkis.
418
00:21:01,563 --> 00:21:03,113
He's a motivational speaker.
419
00:21:03,313 --> 00:21:05,163
Yup, stupid.
420
00:21:05,363 --> 00:21:08,123
I know. It's just, I try
to focus on my career and my future,
421
00:21:08,323 --> 00:21:10,283
so I don't spend a lot
of time listening to music.
422
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:13,583
I'm gonna make you a playlist.
You need normal, human interests.
423
00:21:13,783 --> 00:21:14,783
Thanks.
424
00:21:14,953 --> 00:21:16,633
And I'll make you
a playlist of my favorite
425
00:21:16,793 --> 00:21:18,233
motivational speeches and Ted talks.
426
00:21:18,293 --> 00:21:20,773
- Please do not do that.
- Absolutely not, I won't.
427
00:21:23,863 --> 00:21:25,583
We'll release you,
but only once you've paid
428
00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:27,073
for the merchandise you destroyed.
429
00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:30,813
I can't. My only assets are 32 sculptures
and an antique pan flute.
430
00:21:31,013 --> 00:21:33,733
[Leatherman] Then I want him banned
from the flea market for life,
431
00:21:33,933 --> 00:21:35,523
and extradited to Mexico.
432
00:21:35,723 --> 00:21:37,803
"Extradited?"
you know I'm not the government, right?
433
00:21:37,853 --> 00:21:39,369
[Mondo] This flea market
is the only way I have to make money.
434
00:21:39,393 --> 00:21:41,353
I am not going back
to selling these door to door.
435
00:21:41,523 --> 00:21:43,003
I got punched too many times.
436
00:21:43,963 --> 00:21:45,249
[Rollie] Hey, how about this, Gary.
437
00:21:45,273 --> 00:21:47,703
You screwed mondo
out of half a cow back in the day.
438
00:21:47,903 --> 00:21:49,543
Hey, what do you say we call it even?
439
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:52,083
That was two hundred bucks, Amigo.
440
00:21:52,283 --> 00:21:54,173
he ruined way more than that.
441
00:21:54,373 --> 00:21:55,673
You didn't let me finish.
442
00:21:55,873 --> 00:21:57,503
Hey, what do you say we call it even,
443
00:21:57,703 --> 00:21:59,383
or I follow you home
and cave your head in?
444
00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:01,673
That was a threat. Do something!
445
00:22:01,873 --> 00:22:03,153
Again, I'm not the government.
446
00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:05,573
Fine.
447
00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:07,903
Fine!
448
00:22:09,863 --> 00:22:12,393
I can't believe
how much anger I was holding in.
449
00:22:12,593 --> 00:22:15,753
I can't believe you flipped over a table.
Hey, we should hang out more often.
450
00:22:16,953 --> 00:22:20,193
Hey, I'm glad you stood up to that guy.
Some fights are worth fighting.
451
00:22:20,393 --> 00:22:22,943
I mean, to me,
all fights are worth fighting.
452
00:22:23,143 --> 00:22:25,133
But still, good for you.
453
00:22:27,173 --> 00:22:29,283
Hey, what are you doing? I peed on that.
454
00:22:29,483 --> 00:22:32,253
I'm gonna hose it down
and take it to the biker bar and sell it.
455
00:22:32,443 --> 00:22:34,219
There are so many foul smells
coming out of that place,
456
00:22:34,243 --> 00:22:36,923
- they won't even notice.
- I get a 50-50 split.
457
00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:40,383
Hey, look at you.
Standing up for yourself.
458
00:22:40,583 --> 00:22:43,153
But no, I'm keeping all the money.
459
00:22:44,073 --> 00:22:45,233
Okay.
460
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:54,353
Hey. Good turnout?
461
00:22:54,553 --> 00:22:55,733
It was okay. How about you?
462
00:22:55,933 --> 00:22:59,233
Eh. A little worried about these kids,
I think they might be a bit soft.
463
00:22:59,433 --> 00:23:00,433
Definitely.
464
00:23:00,563 --> 00:23:02,123
My whole presentation was a video game.
465
00:23:02,273 --> 00:23:04,393
And a bunch of them asked me
if I worked for gamestop.
466
00:23:05,883 --> 00:23:07,003
I don't.
467
00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:13,123
Hey, listen, um,
I'm sorry if primo was a little weird.
468
00:23:13,323 --> 00:23:15,913
He's under a lot of pressure
but he's a good kid.
469
00:23:16,113 --> 00:23:17,713
He was raised to respect his elders,
470
00:23:17,913 --> 00:23:19,719
I think he was just trying
to make a good impression.
471
00:23:19,743 --> 00:23:20,773
Is that right?
472
00:23:21,893 --> 00:23:23,973
Maybe some of the things
Mya says about him are true.
473
00:23:24,163 --> 00:23:25,883
They are. Unless they were bad.
474
00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:28,783
In which case, your daughter is a liar.
Have a good night.
475
00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:33,243
I'm glad I did not go to that barbecue.
476
00:23:35,533 --> 00:23:36,893
Thanks for coming today.
477
00:23:37,093 --> 00:23:38,903
To be honest,
I didn't really need your help.
478
00:23:39,093 --> 00:23:41,363
You're actually pretty useless.
Militarily, I mean.
479
00:23:41,563 --> 00:23:43,844
I just thought it might be cool
to hang with you a little.
480
00:23:44,963 --> 00:23:46,243
You hungry?
481
00:23:46,443 --> 00:23:48,113
Oh, my god, I'm starving.
482
00:23:48,313 --> 00:23:50,623
I was too scared to eat
in front of Mya's dad.
483
00:23:50,813 --> 00:23:53,493
I just felt like I was gonna get
something on my shirt, like always.
484
00:23:53,653 --> 00:23:55,203
We'll get burgers on the way home.
485
00:23:55,403 --> 00:23:59,003
By the way,
Mya talks to her dad about you.
486
00:23:59,203 --> 00:24:00,333
You talked to him?
487
00:24:00,533 --> 00:24:02,883
Military kids don't talk
to their dads about anything,
488
00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:06,803
so if she's talking about you,
that's a good sign.
489
00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:08,633
For real?
490
00:24:08,833 --> 00:24:11,053
That's kinda high-level intel you get
491
00:24:11,253 --> 00:24:13,053
when you hang out
with your cool uncle Mike.
492
00:24:13,253 --> 00:24:14,643
He was there too?
493
00:24:14,843 --> 00:24:15,993
[Mike] Get in the truck.
494
00:24:31,263 --> 00:24:32,473
[Sighs]
495
00:24:33,933 --> 00:24:35,833
Hey, ma. We got burgers for everyone.
496
00:24:36,033 --> 00:24:39,503
We executed a search
and rescue today, drea.
497
00:24:39,703 --> 00:24:40,963
- Whole team's beat.
- Oh yeah?
498
00:24:41,163 --> 00:24:43,133
- Yeah.
- Hey, sis, I need, ammonia,
499
00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:44,333
bleach, and a barrel.
500
00:24:44,493 --> 00:24:46,003
That's going to create mustard gas.
501
00:24:46,203 --> 00:24:47,889
Yeah, but I gotta get the piss out
of these leather clothes
502
00:24:47,913 --> 00:24:49,593
- I'm gonna sell to a biker gang.
- What?
503
00:24:49,793 --> 00:24:50,883
[Rollie] Thank you.
504
00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:52,903
Well, I may never find love.
505
00:24:54,363 --> 00:24:57,643
Play Bernie snorkis motivational quotes.
506
00:24:57,843 --> 00:25:00,523
[Bernie snorkis] If you're poor,
It's your fault. Bernie snorkis...
507
00:25:00,593 --> 00:25:01,983
man, shut that off.
508
00:25:02,183 --> 00:25:04,523
I need water. I think I'm dehydrated.
509
00:25:04,723 --> 00:25:06,083
Oh, nice.
510
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,493
I got ketchup on my shirt.
511
00:25:11,693 --> 00:25:14,163
You haven't even started eating.
Your burger is still wrapped!
512
00:25:14,363 --> 00:25:15,973
I told you. This is what happens.
513
00:25:17,093 --> 00:25:19,453
You're right, you did tell me.
514
00:25:19,653 --> 00:25:21,219
- How'd y'all's day go?
- [Mondo] Well, it was pretty good.
515
00:25:21,243 --> 00:25:22,849
- [Rollie] Oh, man.
- [Mondo] ...Moo-chelle pfeiffer
516
00:25:22,873 --> 00:25:24,213
and peed on a dead carcass...
517
00:25:24,413 --> 00:25:25,923
Yeah, there was the leatherman guy.
518
00:25:26,123 --> 00:25:27,559
And he tried to fight me but I was like,
519
00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:28,979
"no, you're not gonna be able
to fight me."
520
00:25:29,003 --> 00:25:31,943
[Indistinct chattering]
521
00:25:38,073 --> 00:25:40,993
I'm good. Really good.
522
00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:51,653
Is this is a leather onesie?
523
00:25:51,853 --> 00:25:53,463
It sure is, peanut.
524
00:25:55,593 --> 00:25:57,633
[Theme music playing]
525
00:26:56,653 --> 00:26:58,013
[Andrea]
next on Primo...
526
00:26:58,213 --> 00:26:59,859
What if she goes off and gets a boyfriend?
527
00:26:59,883 --> 00:27:01,723
- At math camp?
- I just have to tell her.
528
00:27:01,923 --> 00:27:03,199
Let me just walk you through it,
step by step.
529
00:27:03,223 --> 00:27:04,239
How'd you keep this from us?
530
00:27:04,263 --> 00:27:05,343
Easy, you're all oblivious.
531
00:27:05,433 --> 00:27:07,319
We need to trust that
drea knows what she's doing.
532
00:27:07,343 --> 00:27:08,153
We don't have any infor.
533
00:27:08,353 --> 00:27:09,563
- Hey.
- Hey.
534
00:27:09,763 --> 00:27:11,603
- You wanna take a walk?
- Any final questions?
535
00:27:11,643 --> 00:27:13,633
I think there's something
you need to know.
536
00:27:14,463 --> 00:27:15,593
What?