1 00:00:01,873 --> 00:00:03,539 {\an8}I can't believe I didn't know this about you. 2 00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:04,863 {\an8}- Nobody does. - I mean, 3 00:00:05,063 --> 00:00:09,363 {\an8}i knew you liked to read romance novels, but I had no idea you wanted to write one. 4 00:00:09,563 --> 00:00:10,913 I actually started already. 5 00:00:11,103 --> 00:00:12,243 You did? 6 00:00:12,443 --> 00:00:16,373 I did. Yeah. I even, um, I came up with my pen name. 7 00:00:16,573 --> 00:00:19,043 Ruby sapphire Pearl. 8 00:00:19,243 --> 00:00:22,133 - Oh, girl, you sound so expensive. - Yeah. 9 00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,393 Check it out. 10 00:00:27,443 --> 00:00:29,133 [Esther] Wait. Is that Usher? 11 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:30,473 No. 12 00:00:30,673 --> 00:00:32,649 - Wait. Is that you? - No. That's just another woman. 13 00:00:32,673 --> 00:00:34,533 Just some regular woman. It's not me. 14 00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,173 [Esther] Girl, that's the store we're in. 15 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:39,023 - No, it's not. - Okay. 16 00:00:39,223 --> 00:00:40,563 Then what's the book about? 17 00:00:40,763 --> 00:00:43,233 A famous R&B singer stops in at a convenience store 18 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:46,113 after a concert in town and he falls in love with the store manager. 19 00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:47,313 Uh-hmm. 20 00:00:47,353 --> 00:00:49,283 What? It's not Usher and it's not me. 21 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,163 Okay. All right. So what's the book called? 22 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,243 I have a few different options. 23 00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:55,873 - Like what? - All right. 24 00:00:56,073 --> 00:00:57,133 Maybe something like, 25 00:00:58,763 --> 00:01:01,083 - "his body was weary from the road. - [Esther] Uh-hmm. 26 00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,673 - Her body was weary from the world." - Yeah. 27 00:01:03,873 --> 00:01:06,253 - They both needed something. - What'd they need? 28 00:01:06,453 --> 00:01:08,883 - "Night pump." - Oh, that's good. 29 00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:10,083 - That's good. - Yeah? 30 00:01:10,213 --> 00:01:12,883 "The store wasn't the only thing open 24 hours." 31 00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:16,143 - [Esther] Oh. - "A pump of convenience." 32 00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,973 Oh, keep going. Come on. 33 00:01:18,173 --> 00:01:20,813 "A mysterious stranger in need of gas, 34 00:01:21,013 --> 00:01:25,063 an enticed store manager in need of so much more." 35 00:01:25,263 --> 00:01:27,233 "Pump her up." 36 00:01:27,433 --> 00:01:29,113 Damn. Usher's doing a lot of pumping. 37 00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:31,283 It's not Usher, Esther! 38 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:33,493 [Theme music playing] 39 00:01:33,693 --> 00:01:36,633 [Birds chirping] 40 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,503 [Rafa] I was thinking of checking out The school play next week. 41 00:01:41,703 --> 00:01:43,833 they're doing a stage adaptation Of Training day, 42 00:01:44,033 --> 00:01:45,793 but instead of cops, it's gonna be teachers. 43 00:01:45,993 --> 00:01:48,963 They're calling it Explaining day. Are you gonna go? 44 00:01:49,163 --> 00:01:52,093 I was really looking forward to it, but my parents won't let me go. 45 00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:54,633 They heard the theatre kids got busted for butt-chugging. 46 00:01:54,833 --> 00:01:57,803 Oh, bummer. Wait, what's butt-chugging? 47 00:01:58,003 --> 00:02:00,163 [Scoffs] It's exactly what you think it is. 48 00:02:01,373 --> 00:02:03,783 What happened to good old-fashioned heroin? You know? 49 00:02:04,203 --> 00:02:07,063 Or when people smoked crack In the parking lot after school. 50 00:02:07,263 --> 00:02:08,983 you know, those are the days that I miss. 51 00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:10,659 - [Mya laughs] - [Steve] Who's that on the phone 52 00:02:10,683 --> 00:02:11,683 [Mya] Hey, dad. 53 00:02:11,773 --> 00:02:13,003 it's rafa. 54 00:02:13,923 --> 00:02:15,573 - Don't say my name. - [Steve] Rafa, 55 00:02:15,773 --> 00:02:17,203 the kid who kept you out late? 56 00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:18,663 [Mya] At the carnival? Yeah. 57 00:02:18,863 --> 00:02:20,493 please stop giving him details. 58 00:02:20,693 --> 00:02:23,473 What is she supposed to do, young man, lie to me? 59 00:02:31,983 --> 00:02:33,693 [Rafa] May I hang up, sir? 60 00:02:34,653 --> 00:02:36,573 were you one of the butt-chuggers? 61 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:40,493 - Drink with your mouth, son. - [Disconnects call] 62 00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:46,793 Rafa, did you hang up? 63 00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,503 He hung up. 64 00:02:51,673 --> 00:02:54,863 It's over. Mr. Perkins is never gonna let Mya hang out with us 65 00:02:55,063 --> 00:02:56,423 if he thinks I smoke crack. 66 00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:58,703 Which I don't. 67 00:02:58,903 --> 00:03:00,209 No one thinks you smoke crack, man. 68 00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,879 You got a stomachache from a gummy vitamin. 69 00:03:01,903 --> 00:03:03,793 Is Mya's dad the army guy with all the guns? 70 00:03:03,993 --> 00:03:05,623 Mm, no. He's air force. They got drones. 71 00:03:05,823 --> 00:03:08,584 He could probably kill rafa with a missile he controls from his phone. 72 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,923 Great. Now, I have to worry about airborne strikes too. 73 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:15,673 Dude, relax. You're in a great spot. You are the bad boy now. 74 00:03:15,873 --> 00:03:17,513 - I didn't do anything bad. - So? 75 00:03:17,713 --> 00:03:20,303 Forbidden love, that's the key to all great love stories. 76 00:03:20,503 --> 00:03:22,473 Romeo and Juliet, Dad hated him. 77 00:03:22,673 --> 00:03:25,643 Gnomeo and Juliet, Dad hated him. 78 00:03:25,843 --> 00:03:27,893 He's right. Your next move, actually do drugs. 79 00:03:28,093 --> 00:03:29,533 Or at least show up to school drunk. 80 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,023 Take advantage of the situation. 81 00:03:31,223 --> 00:03:34,443 Then her dad will never let her see you and you will be golden, my guy. 82 00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:36,443 He definitely already hates me. 83 00:03:36,643 --> 00:03:40,323 Mya sent me phone emoji, circle slash emoji, skull emoji, 84 00:03:40,523 --> 00:03:41,959 and then a screenshot of her contacts 85 00:03:41,983 --> 00:03:43,743 where she changed my number to "scam likely." 86 00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,623 Yeah, you're toast. Good as droned. 87 00:03:45,823 --> 00:03:47,463 Maybe I should switch schools. 88 00:03:47,653 --> 00:03:49,963 Or I could drop out and move into the woods. 89 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,343 Or... you kill mister Perkins first. 90 00:03:53,543 --> 00:03:56,593 A preemptive strike. Then you'll be the ultimate bad boy. 91 00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:59,653 I'm not gonna blow up mister Perkins, Miguel. 92 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,653 I'm so tired of hanging out with you losers. 93 00:04:03,703 --> 00:04:04,703 Where's Jay? 94 00:04:04,843 --> 00:04:07,449 I need help unloading my sculptures and he's the only one mature enough 95 00:04:07,473 --> 00:04:08,949 not to comment on their erotic nature. 96 00:04:08,973 --> 00:04:12,023 They're all wangs. You expect us not to comment on that? 97 00:04:12,223 --> 00:04:14,733 He's out of town on a job. He'll be back tomorrow. 98 00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:17,923 I'd offer to help, but I've got a big day today. 99 00:04:18,543 --> 00:04:21,213 Completely unreachable until 4:00. 100 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,883 Anybody wanna ask me why? 101 00:04:26,473 --> 00:04:28,183 All right. Well... my life then, huh? 102 00:04:30,563 --> 00:04:31,563 [Door closes] 103 00:04:31,703 --> 00:04:32,703 - Mike. - [Mike] Hmm. 104 00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:34,559 - Come help me at the flea market. - [Mike] I can't. 105 00:04:34,583 --> 00:04:37,713 There's a job fair at primo's school. I'm working the army recruitment booth. 106 00:04:37,913 --> 00:04:40,013 Also, I do not wanna touch your penis art. 107 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,763 [Mondo] It's not just "penis art." 108 00:04:41,963 --> 00:04:44,183 It's an artistic exploration attempting to demystify 109 00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:45,513 the phallus in our culture. 110 00:04:45,713 --> 00:04:46,973 They've got veins. 111 00:04:47,173 --> 00:04:48,273 Rollie? 112 00:04:48,473 --> 00:04:49,523 Hey, no, can do. 113 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,563 I hooked up with the flea market mascot who turned out to have crabs. 114 00:04:52,763 --> 00:04:55,233 They're crazy, right? A flea with crabs? 115 00:04:55,433 --> 00:04:58,113 [Laughs] Hey, life's a highway, man. 116 00:04:58,313 --> 00:05:00,193 They hired a new lady to wear the flea costume. 117 00:05:00,393 --> 00:05:02,113 - Come on. - All right. I'm in. 118 00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:03,633 Can't get crabs twice. 119 00:05:07,893 --> 00:05:09,793 Uh, rafa, what are your plans today? 120 00:05:09,993 --> 00:05:10,993 Before you answer that, 121 00:05:11,153 --> 00:05:13,373 have you considered working the job in recruitment fair 122 00:05:13,573 --> 00:05:14,613 with your cool uncle Mike? 123 00:05:14,663 --> 00:05:16,043 Not once have I considered that. 124 00:05:16,243 --> 00:05:19,173 Come on. Help me out. Competition this year is gonna be tough. 125 00:05:19,373 --> 00:05:21,723 The Navy guys, they're using the swimming pool 126 00:05:21,923 --> 00:05:23,263 for seal team demonstrations. 127 00:05:23,463 --> 00:05:26,643 Mya's dad is doing the air force booth. He brought a flight simulator. 128 00:05:26,843 --> 00:05:27,939 Mya's dad is gonna be there? 129 00:05:27,963 --> 00:05:29,843 Yeah. A lot of people's dads are gonna be there. 130 00:05:30,573 --> 00:05:32,983 Well, if you really need my help, then yeah, sure. 131 00:05:33,183 --> 00:05:34,183 - Really? - [Rafa] Yeah. 132 00:05:34,343 --> 00:05:35,983 Okay. Cool. Yeah. 133 00:05:36,183 --> 00:05:38,573 You're finally gonna get to see me do what I do. 134 00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:40,193 We have an obstacle course. 135 00:05:40,393 --> 00:05:44,203 If a kid makes it all the way through, boom, camouflage keychains. 136 00:05:44,403 --> 00:05:46,303 Why would you wanna make keys harder to find? 137 00:05:47,553 --> 00:05:50,333 See? You're already a valuable member of the team. 138 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,753 We're gonna go with the stress balls. 139 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,643 Let's go. You carry that. 140 00:05:57,393 --> 00:05:58,393 - Have fun. - [Rafa] Bye. 141 00:05:58,583 --> 00:05:59,813 Okay. Love you. 142 00:06:00,983 --> 00:06:02,273 - [Mike] Bye. - Bye. 143 00:06:04,443 --> 00:06:05,653 [Mike] After you. 144 00:06:10,163 --> 00:06:14,793 Gone, gone, out, gone, gone, gone. 145 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,713 Oh, my god. They're all gone. 146 00:06:19,623 --> 00:06:21,923 Eight hours of nothing. 147 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:26,573 [Upbeat music playing] 148 00:06:26,773 --> 00:06:29,723 [Indistinct chatter] 149 00:06:32,853 --> 00:06:35,643 How's this? I arranged them all by size. 150 00:06:36,933 --> 00:06:39,313 I like it. It's like an erotic staircase. 151 00:06:43,443 --> 00:06:48,743 Morning, mondo. Great day for leather. Real leather weather. 152 00:06:49,783 --> 00:06:51,013 Leave me alone, Gary. 153 00:06:51,213 --> 00:06:53,933 You must be one of mondo's many brothers. 154 00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:58,123 I'm Gary morales. But you can call me leatherman. 155 00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:01,483 Is this a leather business card? 156 00:07:01,683 --> 00:07:02,783 It sure is, peanut. 157 00:07:02,973 --> 00:07:04,993 And I only made one, so I need it back. 158 00:07:05,193 --> 00:07:07,573 Take a good look. Memorize it. 159 00:07:07,773 --> 00:07:10,803 - "Leatherman at leatherman.Biz." - That's right. 160 00:07:11,883 --> 00:07:15,833 New drop today, Muchachos. Business will be brisk. 161 00:07:16,033 --> 00:07:18,063 You don't mind if I take this, do you? 162 00:07:21,063 --> 00:07:22,693 Sorry about your dicks. 163 00:07:24,773 --> 00:07:26,693 - Hey, I'll be right back. - Where are you going? 164 00:07:26,873 --> 00:07:28,473 I'm gonna go cave this guy's head in. 165 00:07:28,673 --> 00:07:31,073 And I gotta do it quick, so it doesn't become "premeditated." 166 00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,063 Rollie, violence is never right. 167 00:07:33,263 --> 00:07:34,933 Hey, what's the deal with this guy? 168 00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:36,859 It's a long story. And I don't wanna get into it. 169 00:07:36,883 --> 00:07:38,843 We can just display the sculptures on the blanket. 170 00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:40,193 It'll look more natural, 171 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,713 like the penises are growing out of the earth. 172 00:07:45,503 --> 00:07:48,503 [Upbeat music playing] 173 00:08:03,773 --> 00:08:05,883 Okay. So you're being extra weird today. 174 00:08:06,083 --> 00:08:08,593 No, I'm not. My dream girl is coming into the bank today. 175 00:08:08,793 --> 00:08:10,013 Priscilla Diaz. 176 00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:13,103 I've been handling her accounts for three months now and I'm telling you, 177 00:08:13,303 --> 00:08:15,643 she is the one. Today, we finally meet. 178 00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:17,683 She's "the one," and you've never met her? 179 00:08:17,883 --> 00:08:19,733 That's right. I know everything I need to know. 180 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,353 She has a fully funded roth ira. 181 00:08:21,553 --> 00:08:23,699 She moved her money from fixed income and into equities 182 00:08:23,723 --> 00:08:26,153 to perfectly take advantage of the bull market of 2021. 183 00:08:26,353 --> 00:08:27,903 So yeah, she's got it all. 184 00:08:28,103 --> 00:08:29,789 Why don't you just be normal and date someone 185 00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:32,323 who you've actually seen before like Claudia? 186 00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:35,743 Claudia? She collects beanie babies. 187 00:08:35,943 --> 00:08:37,103 Those are endangered animals. 188 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,883 And she only gets those because she donates to a wildlife charity. 189 00:08:39,993 --> 00:08:42,173 Oh, so she just gives her money away? Uh, real smart. 190 00:08:42,373 --> 00:08:46,843 Priscilla Diaz would never do that. Plus, she's only an account manager. 191 00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:48,593 - You're an account manager. - Exactly. 192 00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:51,683 You date for the job you want, not the job you have. 193 00:08:51,883 --> 00:08:55,263 [Mike] The key to a successful recruitment fair is determination. 194 00:08:55,463 --> 00:08:56,933 And discipline. 195 00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:58,243 And dedication. 196 00:08:58,873 --> 00:08:59,893 And bouncy castles. 197 00:09:00,093 --> 00:09:01,443 That's a lot of keys. 198 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,913 Maybe we should've brought those keychains after all. 199 00:09:05,623 --> 00:09:08,573 Hi, Mr. Perkins. Sir. 200 00:09:08,773 --> 00:09:12,703 San Antonio's very own nino brown. How's the crack cocaine business? 201 00:09:12,903 --> 00:09:15,913 Oh. Ha. Very funny joke. 202 00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:19,583 But I would never sell crack cocaine or smoke it. 203 00:09:19,783 --> 00:09:23,833 I, I don't even crack jokes, or eggs, or anything else that you can crack, 204 00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:25,603 especially cocaine. 205 00:09:26,603 --> 00:09:27,853 Are you high right now? 206 00:09:29,483 --> 00:09:32,553 Another good one. Wow. You're on a roll today, sir. 207 00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:36,353 No, of course, I'm not high. High on patriotism, maybe. 208 00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,893 Other than that, completely sober. Do you have a breathalyzer? 209 00:09:40,093 --> 00:09:43,273 Or a cup. Uh, you know, for pee? 210 00:09:43,473 --> 00:09:46,733 I, I'd be... I'd be so happy to give you some of my urine, sir. 211 00:09:46,933 --> 00:09:49,323 It would be an absolute honor and a privilege. 212 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:50,523 Just one without pens. 213 00:09:50,603 --> 00:09:52,133 I don't want your urine, Rafael. 214 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,113 Right. 215 00:09:54,313 --> 00:09:57,833 Hey, bud. I know what's going on here. 216 00:09:58,023 --> 00:09:59,223 You do? 217 00:09:59,973 --> 00:10:01,913 I know you're scared. 218 00:10:02,113 --> 00:10:04,373 But this obstacle course is completely safe. 219 00:10:04,573 --> 00:10:06,509 Why don't you give it a practice run before we start? 220 00:10:06,533 --> 00:10:08,349 - Come on. I'll time you. - [Rafa] I don't really... 221 00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:09,753 - [Mike] Ready? - [Rafa] Watch out. 222 00:10:09,953 --> 00:10:11,053 Crawl and weave! 223 00:10:11,253 --> 00:10:13,633 Crawl and weave, primo. Crawl and weave! 224 00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:15,943 Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Jump! 225 00:10:17,613 --> 00:10:20,783 Sniper got you. You're dead. Start over. 226 00:10:26,163 --> 00:10:28,543 [Mike] All right. Shoes off. I'll be back to time you. 227 00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:32,153 Remember, there's a lot of jobs in the army, 228 00:10:32,353 --> 00:10:34,419 it's not just combat. That's important to tell these kids. 229 00:10:34,443 --> 00:10:36,039 - Uh-huh. - And a good thing about having you here 230 00:10:36,063 --> 00:10:37,589 is everyone will know right away clearly 231 00:10:37,613 --> 00:10:38,743 you do not have to fight. 232 00:10:38,943 --> 00:10:40,833 - Absolutely. - This is fun, huh? 233 00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:42,583 You and me, quality time? 234 00:10:42,783 --> 00:10:45,083 Primo, let me run something by you. 235 00:10:45,283 --> 00:10:46,849 Why do you think I don't have a girlfriend? 236 00:10:46,873 --> 00:10:49,593 I mean, I got the prescription deodorant, so it's not that anymore. 237 00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:50,783 Yeah, totally. 238 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:58,843 Hello there. I'm Ryan, senior executive account manager. 239 00:10:59,043 --> 00:11:01,063 It would be my honor to assist you 240 00:11:01,253 --> 00:11:04,563 with all your needs today, Ms. Lisa guzman? 241 00:11:04,763 --> 00:11:07,563 Ugh. Paul can help you. 242 00:11:07,763 --> 00:11:09,863 Paul? This chick needs something. 243 00:11:10,053 --> 00:11:13,003 [Telephone ringing in distance] 244 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,903 Hey, do you want me to take over greeting the customers? 245 00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:19,203 'Cause you're being such a jackass today. 246 00:11:19,403 --> 00:11:21,533 I'm sorry. I'm fine. I got it. Yeah. 247 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:24,163 Oh, also apparently the outdoor atm is down. 248 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,963 Yes. There's a McDonald's pancake in the deposit slot. 249 00:11:27,163 --> 00:11:28,463 What? 250 00:11:28,663 --> 00:11:30,043 I'm sorry, I should be more clear. 251 00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:32,559 I stuffed a McDonald's pancake in there so that it would break. 252 00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:34,099 So then everybody would have to come in, 253 00:11:34,123 --> 00:11:36,479 and then I can finally meet the woman that I'm in love with. 254 00:11:36,503 --> 00:11:39,973 Oh. Today is the day you meet "investment account ending in 6421?" 255 00:11:40,173 --> 00:11:43,893 Yup. Claudia, let me ask you a question. Imagine that you work at a bank. 256 00:11:44,093 --> 00:11:46,143 - I do work in a bank. - Great. Stay with that. 257 00:11:46,343 --> 00:11:48,343 Now, imagine that you're trying to impress a client 258 00:11:48,513 --> 00:11:50,913 whose account information you are very familiar with. 259 00:11:53,423 --> 00:11:55,333 Which of these ties would you choose? 260 00:11:57,213 --> 00:11:58,923 I think you look good in both. 261 00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:04,663 Well, great. That's not helpful. Thanks for nothing, Anna wintour. 262 00:12:04,863 --> 00:12:07,803 [Singer singing in Spanish] 263 00:12:23,363 --> 00:12:25,783 - [Cartoons on TV] - [Laughing] 264 00:12:27,953 --> 00:12:32,773 [Cries] What is... He's never even seen the sunlight, it's... 265 00:12:32,973 --> 00:12:35,923 [Singer singing in Spanish] 266 00:12:38,423 --> 00:12:43,263 She led him to the stockroom, where he revealed his inventory. 267 00:12:46,053 --> 00:12:49,583 Oh, his, his rising inventory. 268 00:12:49,783 --> 00:12:52,753 Oh, that's good. Rising. 269 00:12:52,953 --> 00:12:55,293 That's so good, Esther. Yeah. 270 00:12:55,493 --> 00:12:58,443 [Singer singing in Spanish] 271 00:13:03,943 --> 00:13:05,073 [Gasps] 272 00:13:06,073 --> 00:13:08,243 The baby has amnesia? 273 00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,563 Oh, my god. 274 00:13:11,763 --> 00:13:14,703 [Latin music playing] 275 00:13:17,423 --> 00:13:19,883 [Singer singing in Spanish] 276 00:13:25,093 --> 00:13:26,093 [Groans] 277 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:30,663 Leather underwear. Leather visor. Ma'am? 278 00:13:30,863 --> 00:13:35,253 Leather onesie for the little one? It's treated. The poop slides right off. 279 00:13:35,453 --> 00:13:36,453 [Woman] No, thanks. 280 00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:40,403 No? Your baby's ugly anyway. 281 00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:49,353 Hey! You got mud on our blanket! 282 00:13:49,553 --> 00:13:52,523 You should've put your stuff on a table. 283 00:13:52,723 --> 00:13:54,563 Rollie, don't. 284 00:13:54,763 --> 00:13:57,003 Hey, you gotta tell me what's up with this guy. 285 00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:00,783 Believe it or not, leatherman used to be my best friend. 286 00:14:00,983 --> 00:14:02,613 Back then, he was just "Gary." 287 00:14:02,813 --> 00:14:05,203 [Indistinct chatter] 288 00:14:05,403 --> 00:14:07,493 [Mondo] It was the end Of strawberry season. 289 00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,993 after the harvest, We both had money to spend. 290 00:14:10,193 --> 00:14:12,413 I have a business proposition for you. 291 00:14:12,613 --> 00:14:16,853 There's a cattle auction coming to town. What if you and I went in half on a cow? 292 00:14:18,393 --> 00:14:21,463 [Mondo] I was thrilled. It was like having a thousand-pound dog. 293 00:14:21,663 --> 00:14:23,973 that cow and I, We had a spiritual connection. 294 00:14:24,173 --> 00:14:26,533 like we had been friends in a past life. 295 00:14:27,323 --> 00:14:29,183 good girl! 296 00:14:29,383 --> 00:14:31,063 I thought he loved her as much as I did. 297 00:14:31,263 --> 00:14:35,063 but soon I discovered That he had very different intentions. 298 00:14:35,263 --> 00:14:38,373 everything went great! We should at least double our money. 299 00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,653 How could you do this? 300 00:14:41,853 --> 00:14:46,883 I lost two friends that day. The cow died and Gary did, too. 301 00:14:47,963 --> 00:14:49,783 Leatherman was born in his place. 302 00:14:49,983 --> 00:14:54,543 Yo, I remember Gary now. From years ago. Yeah, that guy's a dick. 303 00:14:54,743 --> 00:14:57,003 Hey, you're carving them for a living, 304 00:14:57,203 --> 00:14:59,673 but can't see when there's a human one right in front of you? 305 00:14:59,873 --> 00:15:02,213 You know what the difference between us is? 306 00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:06,193 That I choose peace. That's why I've never been to jail. 307 00:15:08,113 --> 00:15:12,603 Except for that time that I did ayahuasca and went into the ihop without pants. 308 00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:16,603 Hey, look, you don't want me to fight him? I won't fight him. 309 00:15:16,803 --> 00:15:19,023 But you gotta stand up for yourself. 310 00:15:19,223 --> 00:15:23,363 If not for you, then do it for... Uh, what was your dog cow's name? 311 00:15:23,563 --> 00:15:24,613 Moo-chelle pfeiffer. 312 00:15:24,813 --> 00:15:26,363 Yeah, moo-chelle. 313 00:15:26,563 --> 00:15:28,203 You're under enemy fire. 314 00:15:28,403 --> 00:15:32,453 Your platoon is the last hope to get this nuclear warhead to safety. 315 00:15:32,653 --> 00:15:36,043 The fate of the United States of america is in your hands. 316 00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:37,603 Godspeed. 317 00:15:38,933 --> 00:15:39,973 [Device beeps] 318 00:15:41,813 --> 00:15:42,813 [Whistle blows] 319 00:15:42,993 --> 00:15:45,633 Juan! Too slow! You're dead. Pass the nuke to Carla. 320 00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,513 - Hey, are you timing this? - Yeah, sorry. 321 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,393 Uh, Carla's got 20 seconds left before that bomb destroys San Antonio. 322 00:15:51,593 --> 00:15:53,353 Excuse me just one sec. 323 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,523 Leave him behind, Carla! It's too late for him! 324 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:57,783 Keep going! 325 00:15:58,493 --> 00:16:04,113 Ah, the old, uh, f-15 strike eagle. 326 00:16:04,313 --> 00:16:06,383 - Yeah. - Nice. 327 00:16:08,883 --> 00:16:10,593 Mind if I give her a whirl? 328 00:16:13,093 --> 00:16:15,873 Well, the olive garden recruiter brought out the free breadsticks 329 00:16:16,073 --> 00:16:20,293 and everyone ran over there, so, sure. Go crazy. 330 00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:23,233 - Okay. - Let's get you set up here. 331 00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,183 I think I see. 332 00:16:31,383 --> 00:16:33,643 Yeah. Check her out. 333 00:16:33,843 --> 00:16:36,783 [Planes hovering over monitor] 334 00:16:40,293 --> 00:16:42,663 [Beeping] 335 00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:44,413 [Explosion] 336 00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,923 Direct hit. Not bad. 337 00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:52,203 Thank you, sir. 338 00:16:52,403 --> 00:16:54,533 - Enjoy that leather toilet seat cover. - I will. 339 00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:59,333 Man, I'm crushing carcass today. How's the wooden dick business? 340 00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:02,123 Ironically, it looks like a soft market. 341 00:17:02,323 --> 00:17:06,593 Hey, take your revenge. Do it for moo-chelle. 342 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:10,133 Oh, is that what you're thinking about? 343 00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:13,933 Your old cow friend? [Laughs] That is hilarious. 344 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:18,283 She was my first murdered cow. I still wear her sometimes, mondo. 345 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:23,333 She tanned up good. Real good. 346 00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:28,983 [Upbeat Latin music playing] 347 00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,803 [Yells] No! My leather goods! 348 00:17:35,473 --> 00:17:38,473 [Indistinct chatter] 349 00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:47,643 Look me in the eyes, Gary. Look me in the eye... 350 00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:53,803 This revenge had a lot more urine than I was anticipating. 351 00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,513 How much is it usually? 352 00:17:55,713 --> 00:17:56,803 Zero. 353 00:17:57,003 --> 00:17:58,473 [Mondo] Uh-hmm. 354 00:17:58,673 --> 00:18:00,113 [Rollie chuckles] 355 00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:07,003 Nice job. One of the best scores I've seen all day. 356 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:09,003 Thank you. 357 00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,323 I appreciate you letting me test her out. 358 00:18:12,523 --> 00:18:13,653 What are you doing? 359 00:18:13,853 --> 00:18:15,703 Destroying tanks with heat-seeking missiles. 360 00:18:15,903 --> 00:18:18,993 Wack. You're supposed to be helping me at the army booth. 361 00:18:19,193 --> 00:18:21,043 I was counting on you and you let me down. 362 00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:22,663 Seems like you let each other down. 363 00:18:22,863 --> 00:18:25,423 [Mike] Oh, no. Evacuate the obstacle course! 364 00:18:25,623 --> 00:18:26,713 You are in danger! 365 00:18:26,913 --> 00:18:29,353 The structural integrity has been compromised! 366 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,093 - Army. - [Mike] Evacuate now! 367 00:18:33,293 --> 00:18:36,483 He'll be fine. He's very good at evacuations. 368 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,513 He doesn't give a crap about helping me recruit kids 369 00:18:40,713 --> 00:18:42,933 into the armed forces. It's basically treason! 370 00:18:43,133 --> 00:18:45,523 - What? - [Mike] He lied to me, drea! 371 00:18:45,723 --> 00:18:47,163 - yeah. - [Mike] And I know you think 372 00:18:47,353 --> 00:18:48,993 i get defensive about defending america, 373 00:18:49,063 --> 00:18:50,409 - but defending america... - No, no, I think you're great, 374 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,433 uh, in america. 375 00:18:51,603 --> 00:18:52,823 Is literally my job. 376 00:18:53,023 --> 00:18:55,613 I have dedicated my life to making us all safe. 377 00:18:55,813 --> 00:19:00,583 And the first rule of boot camp, drea, is that you respect your uncle. 378 00:19:00,783 --> 00:19:03,703 That is why they call him uncle Sam, drea. 379 00:19:03,903 --> 00:19:05,213 Family is important. 380 00:19:05,403 --> 00:19:06,603 [Mike] That's what I'm saying! 381 00:19:06,743 --> 00:19:09,083 well, I'm sure you and Ryan will work it out, okay? 382 00:19:09,283 --> 00:19:10,393 Talk soon. 383 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,513 Drea? Ryan's... 384 00:19:16,713 --> 00:19:18,743 I'm not with Ryan! 385 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,643 [Sighs] God. 386 00:19:21,843 --> 00:19:25,373 Just leave it alone. I'll do it myself. Just like I did all day. 387 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,693 Uncle Mike, uh, that's my bad, okay? 388 00:19:31,893 --> 00:19:36,073 Apologies not accepted. We were supposed to be working in tandem, 389 00:19:36,273 --> 00:19:39,663 to recruit soldiers and improve the strength and might of the us military. 390 00:19:39,863 --> 00:19:41,133 And... 391 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,793 - You hurt my feelings. - I know. 392 00:19:44,993 --> 00:19:47,623 It's just, Mya's dad kinda hates me, 393 00:19:47,823 --> 00:19:51,543 and he's not gonna let Mya hang out with me if he hates me. 394 00:19:51,743 --> 00:19:53,393 So I thought I could, 395 00:19:54,153 --> 00:19:58,303 I don't know, just spend some time with him, try to get him on my side. 396 00:19:58,503 --> 00:20:01,013 Well, whatever. You shouldn't have lied. 397 00:20:01,213 --> 00:20:04,703 And your mom, I called her about it, she completely agrees with me. 398 00:20:06,283 --> 00:20:09,373 Yeah. Yeah. I know. 399 00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,783 Maybe she'll come next Saturday. 400 00:20:20,983 --> 00:20:23,663 I guess. You want some charcuterie? 401 00:20:23,863 --> 00:20:25,043 Sure. 402 00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,123 Nope. That ham is sweaty. 403 00:20:27,323 --> 00:20:30,503 Yeah, this ham is fully wet. Mm. 404 00:20:30,703 --> 00:20:31,703 Do not eat that. 405 00:20:32,393 --> 00:20:33,463 Yeah. 406 00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:37,213 Hey, thanks for being so cool today. I'm sorry if I was a little nutty. 407 00:20:37,413 --> 00:20:38,473 It's okay. 408 00:20:38,663 --> 00:20:41,303 Or it's actually not "okay," because you're deeply weird, 409 00:20:41,503 --> 00:20:43,763 but it's enough "okay" that I can tell you it's okay. 410 00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:46,013 [Laughs] Do you have any plans tonight? 411 00:20:46,213 --> 00:20:48,983 Me and some friends are going to a concert downtown. 412 00:20:49,183 --> 00:20:50,193 You into music? 413 00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,383 Hmm. 414 00:20:51,433 --> 00:20:52,873 Come on, what's your favorite album? 415 00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:54,813 Oh, no. You're gonna think it's stupid. 416 00:20:55,013 --> 00:20:56,373 Probably. 417 00:20:57,633 --> 00:21:01,363 It's Unleash the champion inside you, By Bernie snorkis. 418 00:21:01,563 --> 00:21:03,113 He's a motivational speaker. 419 00:21:03,313 --> 00:21:05,163 Yup, stupid. 420 00:21:05,363 --> 00:21:08,123 I know. It's just, I try to focus on my career and my future, 421 00:21:08,323 --> 00:21:10,283 so I don't spend a lot of time listening to music. 422 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:13,583 I'm gonna make you a playlist. You need normal, human interests. 423 00:21:13,783 --> 00:21:14,783 Thanks. 424 00:21:14,953 --> 00:21:16,633 And I'll make you a playlist of my favorite 425 00:21:16,793 --> 00:21:18,233 motivational speeches and Ted talks. 426 00:21:18,293 --> 00:21:20,773 - Please do not do that. - Absolutely not, I won't. 427 00:21:23,863 --> 00:21:25,583 We'll release you, but only once you've paid 428 00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:27,073 for the merchandise you destroyed. 429 00:21:27,173 --> 00:21:30,813 I can't. My only assets are 32 sculptures and an antique pan flute. 430 00:21:31,013 --> 00:21:33,733 [Leatherman] Then I want him banned from the flea market for life, 431 00:21:33,933 --> 00:21:35,523 and extradited to Mexico. 432 00:21:35,723 --> 00:21:37,803 "Extradited?" you know I'm not the government, right? 433 00:21:37,853 --> 00:21:39,369 [Mondo] This flea market is the only way I have to make money. 434 00:21:39,393 --> 00:21:41,353 I am not going back to selling these door to door. 435 00:21:41,523 --> 00:21:43,003 I got punched too many times. 436 00:21:43,963 --> 00:21:45,249 [Rollie] Hey, how about this, Gary. 437 00:21:45,273 --> 00:21:47,703 You screwed mondo out of half a cow back in the day. 438 00:21:47,903 --> 00:21:49,543 Hey, what do you say we call it even? 439 00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:52,083 That was two hundred bucks, Amigo. 440 00:21:52,283 --> 00:21:54,173 he ruined way more than that. 441 00:21:54,373 --> 00:21:55,673 You didn't let me finish. 442 00:21:55,873 --> 00:21:57,503 Hey, what do you say we call it even, 443 00:21:57,703 --> 00:21:59,383 or I follow you home and cave your head in? 444 00:21:59,583 --> 00:22:01,673 That was a threat. Do something! 445 00:22:01,873 --> 00:22:03,153 Again, I'm not the government. 446 00:22:04,533 --> 00:22:05,573 Fine. 447 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:07,903 Fine! 448 00:22:09,863 --> 00:22:12,393 I can't believe how much anger I was holding in. 449 00:22:12,593 --> 00:22:15,753 I can't believe you flipped over a table. Hey, we should hang out more often. 450 00:22:16,953 --> 00:22:20,193 Hey, I'm glad you stood up to that guy. Some fights are worth fighting. 451 00:22:20,393 --> 00:22:22,943 I mean, to me, all fights are worth fighting. 452 00:22:23,143 --> 00:22:25,133 But still, good for you. 453 00:22:27,173 --> 00:22:29,283 Hey, what are you doing? I peed on that. 454 00:22:29,483 --> 00:22:32,253 I'm gonna hose it down and take it to the biker bar and sell it. 455 00:22:32,443 --> 00:22:34,219 There are so many foul smells coming out of that place, 456 00:22:34,243 --> 00:22:36,923 - they won't even notice. - I get a 50-50 split. 457 00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:40,383 Hey, look at you. Standing up for yourself. 458 00:22:40,583 --> 00:22:43,153 But no, I'm keeping all the money. 459 00:22:44,073 --> 00:22:45,233 Okay. 460 00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:54,353 Hey. Good turnout? 461 00:22:54,553 --> 00:22:55,733 It was okay. How about you? 462 00:22:55,933 --> 00:22:59,233 Eh. A little worried about these kids, I think they might be a bit soft. 463 00:22:59,433 --> 00:23:00,433 Definitely. 464 00:23:00,563 --> 00:23:02,123 My whole presentation was a video game. 465 00:23:02,273 --> 00:23:04,393 And a bunch of them asked me if I worked for gamestop. 466 00:23:05,883 --> 00:23:07,003 I don't. 467 00:23:08,343 --> 00:23:13,123 Hey, listen, um, I'm sorry if primo was a little weird. 468 00:23:13,323 --> 00:23:15,913 He's under a lot of pressure but he's a good kid. 469 00:23:16,113 --> 00:23:17,713 He was raised to respect his elders, 470 00:23:17,913 --> 00:23:19,719 I think he was just trying to make a good impression. 471 00:23:19,743 --> 00:23:20,773 Is that right? 472 00:23:21,893 --> 00:23:23,973 Maybe some of the things Mya says about him are true. 473 00:23:24,163 --> 00:23:25,883 They are. Unless they were bad. 474 00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:28,783 In which case, your daughter is a liar. Have a good night. 475 00:23:30,743 --> 00:23:33,243 I'm glad I did not go to that barbecue. 476 00:23:35,533 --> 00:23:36,893 Thanks for coming today. 477 00:23:37,093 --> 00:23:38,903 To be honest, I didn't really need your help. 478 00:23:39,093 --> 00:23:41,363 You're actually pretty useless. Militarily, I mean. 479 00:23:41,563 --> 00:23:43,844 I just thought it might be cool to hang with you a little. 480 00:23:44,963 --> 00:23:46,243 You hungry? 481 00:23:46,443 --> 00:23:48,113 Oh, my god, I'm starving. 482 00:23:48,313 --> 00:23:50,623 I was too scared to eat in front of Mya's dad. 483 00:23:50,813 --> 00:23:53,493 I just felt like I was gonna get something on my shirt, like always. 484 00:23:53,653 --> 00:23:55,203 We'll get burgers on the way home. 485 00:23:55,403 --> 00:23:59,003 By the way, Mya talks to her dad about you. 486 00:23:59,203 --> 00:24:00,333 You talked to him? 487 00:24:00,533 --> 00:24:02,883 Military kids don't talk to their dads about anything, 488 00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:06,803 so if she's talking about you, that's a good sign. 489 00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:08,633 For real? 490 00:24:08,833 --> 00:24:11,053 That's kinda high-level intel you get 491 00:24:11,253 --> 00:24:13,053 when you hang out with your cool uncle Mike. 492 00:24:13,253 --> 00:24:14,643 He was there too? 493 00:24:14,843 --> 00:24:15,993 [Mike] Get in the truck. 494 00:24:31,263 --> 00:24:32,473 [Sighs] 495 00:24:33,933 --> 00:24:35,833 Hey, ma. We got burgers for everyone. 496 00:24:36,033 --> 00:24:39,503 We executed a search and rescue today, drea. 497 00:24:39,703 --> 00:24:40,963 - Whole team's beat. - Oh yeah? 498 00:24:41,163 --> 00:24:43,133 - Yeah. - Hey, sis, I need, ammonia, 499 00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:44,333 bleach, and a barrel. 500 00:24:44,493 --> 00:24:46,003 That's going to create mustard gas. 501 00:24:46,203 --> 00:24:47,889 Yeah, but I gotta get the piss out of these leather clothes 502 00:24:47,913 --> 00:24:49,593 - I'm gonna sell to a biker gang. - What? 503 00:24:49,793 --> 00:24:50,883 [Rollie] Thank you. 504 00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:52,903 Well, I may never find love. 505 00:24:54,363 --> 00:24:57,643 Play Bernie snorkis motivational quotes. 506 00:24:57,843 --> 00:25:00,523 [Bernie snorkis] If you're poor, It's your fault. Bernie snorkis... 507 00:25:00,593 --> 00:25:01,983 man, shut that off. 508 00:25:02,183 --> 00:25:04,523 I need water. I think I'm dehydrated. 509 00:25:04,723 --> 00:25:06,083 Oh, nice. 510 00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:11,493 I got ketchup on my shirt. 511 00:25:11,693 --> 00:25:14,163 You haven't even started eating. Your burger is still wrapped! 512 00:25:14,363 --> 00:25:15,973 I told you. This is what happens. 513 00:25:17,093 --> 00:25:19,453 You're right, you did tell me. 514 00:25:19,653 --> 00:25:21,219 - How'd y'all's day go? - [Mondo] Well, it was pretty good. 515 00:25:21,243 --> 00:25:22,849 - [Rollie] Oh, man. - [Mondo] ...Moo-chelle pfeiffer 516 00:25:22,873 --> 00:25:24,213 and peed on a dead carcass... 517 00:25:24,413 --> 00:25:25,923 Yeah, there was the leatherman guy. 518 00:25:26,123 --> 00:25:27,559 And he tried to fight me but I was like, 519 00:25:27,583 --> 00:25:28,979 "no, you're not gonna be able to fight me." 520 00:25:29,003 --> 00:25:31,943 [Indistinct chattering] 521 00:25:38,073 --> 00:25:40,993 I'm good. Really good. 522 00:25:49,833 --> 00:25:51,653 Is this is a leather onesie? 523 00:25:51,853 --> 00:25:53,463 It sure is, peanut. 524 00:25:55,593 --> 00:25:57,633 [Theme music playing] 525 00:26:56,653 --> 00:26:58,013 [Andrea] next on Primo... 526 00:26:58,213 --> 00:26:59,859 What if she goes off and gets a boyfriend? 527 00:26:59,883 --> 00:27:01,723 - At math camp? - I just have to tell her. 528 00:27:01,923 --> 00:27:03,199 Let me just walk you through it, step by step. 529 00:27:03,223 --> 00:27:04,239 How'd you keep this from us? 530 00:27:04,263 --> 00:27:05,343 Easy, you're all oblivious. 531 00:27:05,433 --> 00:27:07,319 We need to trust that drea knows what she's doing. 532 00:27:07,343 --> 00:27:08,153 We don't have any infor. 533 00:27:08,353 --> 00:27:09,563 - Hey. - Hey. 534 00:27:09,763 --> 00:27:11,603 - You wanna take a walk? - Any final questions? 535 00:27:11,643 --> 00:27:13,633 I think there's something you need to know. 536 00:27:14,463 --> 00:27:15,593 What?