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What's wrong? What the fuck is wrong?
Maybe I was born like that.
If you are born like nobody cares,
maybe for the rest of your life nobody will care.
You are not worth loving.
You are born like that.
I'm so fucking lonely!
I'm so lonely.
I feel like a child.
I need comforting.
I miss parents.
But this is the fundamental question:
why did they bring me into this world?
Are you OK?
OK, right...
Fuck!
For fuck's sake!
Fuck!
What a ball-breaker!
No signal.
Fuck it!
That's why I wanted you to answer.
Once out at sea, I'll have no signal for a week.
Can you hear me?
Listen to me.
Forget it!
What a ball-breaker.
Hey, sister... Hello?
Hey! How're things?
Better than yesterday. I think the baby's on her way.
Shit, I'm so upset!
Well, me, the closer it gets,
the more I think she'll come out through my you-know-what.
I never thought about that.
Oh fuck!
It's so... scary.
I was watching this film...
I don't even want to look!
And I thought, "I can't send her this!"
Even me,
I've never watched a delivery or whatever on my phone.
I was like, "I don't wanna see this,
"or I won't even go to hospital."
I'll only look down there when she's out!
Sorry but your sister's out of range.
I'll try her again later, OK?
Princess.
All right.
Can you take a photo?
OK.
Beautiful baby.
I don't know how she put on weight,
with all the junk I ate. Burgers, sandwiches...
But she isn't in an incubator,
so she was a healthy weight at birth.
She's a beautiful baby, a normal baby.
Poor thing.
Baby.
Stop bottle-feeding her.
She's confused.
You think it's because of that?
It isn't only that.
Even the pacifier.
Stop until you start to lactate.
She has no trouble sucking.
But she's finding it hard to latch on.
Because it isn't the same shape as the bottle.
She's having to suck hard to get the milk to flow.
It'll make her irritated.
Like the lady said yesterday,
maybe it's hard because of...
No. Look at her.
Because I have milk.
Yes, you do, so there's no need to bottle-feed.
That's for sure.
Good job, pumpkin.
But she's having to switch between the breast, the bottle...
And she's confused.
Exactly, it's why she's irritated.
But she sucks really well. The milk is flowing.
Look.
It's a shame.
- I'd rather breastfeed her. - Of course.
It's more natural and better for her too.
I don't remember a single moment of tenderness with my mother.
Never.
I remember visiting her in jail.
I remember her coming to the foster family totally destroyed.
She promised every time she would go to rehab and stop,
and she would get us back.
And you wait, you wait and nothing happens.
You just think:
"She doesn't love me enough to stop."
Then, I remember her
being out of jail.
I had one nice moment before she passed away.
I had one coffee with her.
One coffee. I said I was an adult, I was a woman.
I think that she didn't have all her teeth.
I also remember, I said to myself, "She's not a bad person."
I wouldn't like to have her life.
But she was not my mother.
She put me in this world, but she was never a mother.
The doc said, "You've produced a remarkable baby."
Really?
Usually a baby's head does this...
It can't hold its head up.
But she's like this...
Looking for my breast everywhere.
My crazy baby!
On the first day, when she opened her eyes,
I was blown away. I told everyone.
I've seen lots of babies.
But they don't usually open their eyes on day one.
The doctor said, "Her eyes are wide open."
She's really lively.
- Thanks! - Good luck!
Come home fast!
Maybe she's trying to tell you something.
You ran around loads when she was in your tummy.
She's telling you, "You didn't let me rest.
"I won't let you rest now."
I said that to her earlier. I was lying next to her upstairs.
I said, "I didn't realize I had a beauty inside of me."
I was talking to her like a madwoman!
- I'm crazy, huh? - A bit. You always have been!
I cried the day before yesterday.
"What's my daughter gonna say to me?"
About what?
"Where are Grandpa, Grandma and my cousins?"
She's gonna be so...
- Don't worry. - See what I mean? No dad, no...
So what? She isn't the first or the last.
It makes me really...
I know, but don't let it get to you, lots of kids are still happy.
I'm worrying myself sick.
Just talking about it makes me...
But she's not unhappy.
There's Mom, Auntie...
That's a solid base, Leila.
Leila, listen to me.
By tomorrow I need to know where you're at.
If you need money, I'll transfer it before I go.
Or you'll be broke for two weeks.
I want my sister to change the destiny of the Mokhenache,
the cycle of this family.
Sometimes, I feel like this family is cursed.
There is a curse.
It's scary to see how many generations.
A woman who makes a child, abandons it,
goes to jail, smokes...
That's what I saw, what Leila saw, what my mother saw.
The cycle repeats itself.
But we're going to be the reference.
So, if one generation breaks the cycle,
then we give a chance to the next one
to have new references.
Wait.
I think it's stuck.
I'm so hungry.
Pardon me?
What's up?
I'm hungry.
I'll get you something, sweet or sour?
Salty.
But Marion is making something,
eggs with mashed potatoes.
Eggs and mashed potatoes?
But I will wait a little, then we can change for the food.
I'll find a snack for you.
She needs my scent...
She hates being alone.
Your scent is cigs, huh!
She's gotten used to that.
You know what I was thinking?
She'll become addicted to the smell
and likely end up a smoker.
I'll smash her face in.
Yeah, right!
No. You can explain to a child.
Why do you think we smoke?
We grew up with the smell.
As an adult, you seek the same smell.
That's in your head, Hayat!
No, it's been proven.
I'll make her do sport,
and she'll realize smoking is pointless if she wants to do something.
Yeah, but smells are something that stay in your memory.
Mom's tobacco smell is comforting so a kid associates cigs with that.
Hayat, let me explain.
I smoked when I breastfed her.
I've weaned her now. She has fits sometimes...
- just like that - but less so now.
She tugs her hair.
It's funny.
There, she's doing it now.
She's had her shower.
She'll be fine until the morning now.
Do you read her stories?
Not yet. I have to learn how to read first!
It'll be good practice for you.
I'll read her a story.
"I...
"am..."
You moron! It's time to get off your ass.
"Get off your ass."
I'm kidding!
No, reading is OK, but writing... fuck me!
Sometimes when you write, I understand nothing!
Forget writing. She can learn with you.
Even at a distance. You can be like this on her desk.
Happy homework!
At this time, there are north-easterly winds.
The further north you go,
the better the angle to go to Reykjavik.
Since we'll have a bunch of inexperienced scientists,
we will have to find a good compromise.
Comfort,
good speed, not too much distance.
Otherwise we'll be too late.
But if the conditions are rough,
we could be stuck for two weeks.
Then the problem isn't just being stuck,
but the ice will start to drift
because we have this northward current.
So, when there is the wind and the current...
the first 100 miles might be tough.
Here, aren't these strong currents?
Not really, no.
We are the strength.
If people see that there is no cohesion between us,
we give them room to eat us.
- They'll ruin the expedition. - Exactly.
If they see that we are solid,
that it can be you, it can be me,
we are all saying the same thing.
If we don't know something, we ask.
We cannot know everything, we have to think.
This will bring a certain discipline.
This is very important.
Because as you know, sometimes it's complicated.
When they come the first day, they believe you're the captain.
It takes them some time to accept the idea
that a woman, 1.6 meters tall, can be a captain and a good one.
But as you see, in the beginning I wear a mask.
I take on a big voice.
I try to...
not show any emotion, I act tough.
Then, when they see that I'm serious that I know what I'm talking about,
they start to relax and I start to relax.
But if, from the beginning, they see that my crew isn't respecting me,
or that I'm fighting with them,
they will make my life so complicated.
It's very important to stick together.
There is no other way.
There's a slightly different color of the water, about ten meters.
So I'm going to keep going like that.
When I will be clear, when I have these two on 90°,
I will go along.
It's not obvious, but I can just see a slight difference of color.
My guess is that there's more water on the left than on the right.
Allan!
We have 50 meters depth now.
As a woman, if you are a little bit attractive,
it's so fucking difficult!
It consumes so much energy.
Every time you meet a guy you feel exhausted.
One night, imagine,
someone comes in the night, trying to touch your pussy.
"I heard you're such a great captain, you come back from the South,"
I tried to push his hand away and he was trying to touch me.
"Come on, Hayat, come on."
I said, "You don't touch me if I don't want it."
He became very aggressive, but I said,
"Look, if this happens again, I won't keep my mouth shut."
But it's not the first time, last year, when we were in Finland,
he was looking at me and doing such a disgusting thing with his tongue.
It has happened too many times.
How many times, in the Caribbean, I had a situation
where a disgusting man with his wife on board,
would come and try to touch me with his dick.
Like, OK, maybe once.
The boat is small, you pass by, shit happens.
But every time he goes into the kitchen?
Fuck!
Leave me alone!
We have the right to do this kind of job without...
I met another girl, a British woman who is here,
she's a very good sailor.
And she has so many stories like that.
And if you speak, you are "crazy".
We have the right to decide what we want to do with our own body.
I went to see the union to tell them there is a problem.
I drove seven hours to talk,
with high hopes that they would help me.
The guy said to me,
"Ma'am, you must fix things with yourself."
What?
I was shocked. I was in shock.
I don't know how long it'll take me to forget his face,
to forget his words,
to forget about his coldness.
I was distressed
and dealing with sexism, with racism,
with injustice.
Going through that all alone was too much.
I don't know if I can make it, I'm so fucking tired.
I cannot heal this pain when life is hitting me.
I don't know what to do.
Shall we swim a bit?
Let's swim.
Shall we swim?
1, 2, 3...
Do you want bubbles?
Yes?
You're soaked.
- You're soaked. - I washed her!
How did Auntie wash you?
- Seriously? - What?
OK, I'll stop.
We're having "Shrimps à la Hayat" this week!
I'm making king shrimps for Christmas.
- Shrimps with parsley and garlic. - I don't have a gift.
- I was thinking about gifts. - I have a gift.
- Is it gift-wrapped? - No.
We'll wrap it.
You haven't even got me a gift.
I've traveled halfway around the fucking world,
and I don't even get a gift!
Hang on, the week has only just begun!
Baby wipes...
Wait a minute!
What a mess!
The poop...
Hang on! No!
- She'll catch cold. - I want to see.
She'll get cold. Get in and shut the door.
There's more poop. There's more, Auntie!
Damn, it stinks!
There's more, Auntie!
It reeks.
There's more there!
"Oh, man!"
Go on...
poop on Auntie!
Go on, Inaya.
Poop on Auntie.
Honestly!
It smells nice in there!
- How is this possible? - Auntie hasn't done that in ages!
How is it possible for a little thing like this
to have such stinky poop?
Yes!
The baby's perfect.
Hey, stop that!
It smells of roses!
Where to?
Do you want to walk?
I wait until my tomatoes are nice and soft.
The best thing is to blitz them.
That way, the skin...
There's nothing to clean at the end, which is great.
The annoying thing about cooking is,
you end up with tons of dishes to do.
And I really...
- What I usually do... - What's your trick?
Usually, on the boat,
whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to do the dishes.
That's why I cook!
I hate doing dishes.
I'm the opposite.
I don't want to leave a mess for my colleagues.
You know, you've eaten well, you're really full...
- Go on! - Exactly.
I used to do the dishes.
I never did the cooking.
- But after a while... - I prefer doing dishes.
Not me, no way!
It only takes 10 minutes. Cooking takes ages.
I'm cleaning my dish.
Classy, huh? I'm going to need flour anyway.
This won't go to waste.
- "I'm cleaning my dish." - Sure!
Mommy's naughty.
Do this, I'll hold her.
- What? - Knead this, I'll hold her.
You know how to knead, huh?
- Yes, but... - OK.
Basically the idea is to have a clean worktop.
When your worktop is clean, your dough is ready.
I'm not here, Hayat!
I almost zoned out.
Not quite.
- Hi, stranger. - Hi, how are you?
I don't get you.
How long has it been...
We haven't spoken for a month.
Don't be silly, it hasn't been that long.
It's been exactly one month since we went on vacation.
So it's only natural that I'm concerned.
I guess I just needed some time.
Hayat, you're talking like we quarreled.
I'm just saying, "It's nothing, forget it."
There's no reason...
No, not for you. But try to see it from my side.
You know I'm hypersensitive, you know I'm... OK?
I've left all that shit behind me,
I'm trying to lead...
a peaceful life.
Every day's not easy, and you know that.
But I need people to say nice stuff to me too.
If my own sister won't do it, who will?
It got me down: "You're 40, you've no kids yet, etc."
One, I'm not 40. Two, I'm only 35.
No way do the girls of 25 who take over my shift
have as much stamina as me.
And three...
it's because I've always had a sense of responsibility
and thought, "My people need me."
So I don't lead my own life because I put others first.
And then I hear you talking about me like I'm a loser!
Hayat, don't take it so badly.
- Yeah, right. - I was a bit worked up.
You still said it though.
I didn't mean what I said.
When I'm annoyed, I say all sorts of crazy stuff.
Leila, you're 28 years old now!
You're a grown woman, not a child.
Get a grip on yourself. You've a baby to care for.
For sure.
A baby to care for and a sister who needs you.
And it works both ways.
I don't want a one-way relationship, or it'll suck me dry.
This one.
The dirty clothes, new dirty clothes...
Guys, the dirty clothing goes here.
Look, I want all the dirty clothing to go down here.
Okay? Alright?
And then you can put it in the fridge.
What's fridge?
What do you think it is?
Here is fridge,
and here is...
Fridge and freezer.
Ridiculous!
Auntie's getting married!
Are you done?
- Where's he from? - From here.
Who is he? Is he nice?
Sure he is, or I wouldn't mention him.
How long have you been dating?
Ten months.
- How long? - What?
You're breaking up!
I can't hear you! How long?
Huh?
- How long? - I just told you!
I didn't hear you.
I told you already. Come on, gimme a break.
Honestly, I didn't hear you.
I said ten months.
I didn't know.
Yes, you did. I told you at Christmas.
A mom at last!
He'll want you to quit.
After the baby.
I'll let you take the info in.
I'm super happy.
My sister's getting married.
My sister's getting married!
That's real good wood for you, baby.
You'll like this wood.
You look here.
He's little, like this, and gray.
Grayish, OK?
He has to move, so if we stay quiet,
if he is here,
he will have to move at some point.
Hayat! He is there.
I found him!
It's OK.
He is very stressed.
Be quiet, OK?
We're going to take him home and give him water.
- And some food? - And some food.
Dad and Myrun found some little live water worms.
What do you think he eats?
Worms?
Can you try to find some worms for him?
Hey, tiny, tiny one, it's OK.
I think he might be better off out here.
- Out of here? - Out here.
We'll give him some water and food.
Maybe he's thirsty.
I just gave him water.
Maybe he wants some more insects.
Give him more worms.
The general rule with birds is not to touch them.
I know.
But he was alone.
He is supposed to be in a nest.
Maybe when we picked up the wood we disturbed a nest
and he fell.
Yes, maybe.
That's not the only reason...
I don't know.
- It's a discussion. - There are lots of reasons.
There is no black and white.
No, of course not.
It's just, for me, it's...
Every time you save a bird,
you're interfering with the natural selection.
Maybe we have to find his parents.
I've been contacted by Maga.
- Maga? - Yes.
About the Captain position on the Sun Handi.
We need a captain
who has a license to...
The boat is eighteen tons.
Eighteen tons...
So, I'm happy to do some job on the engine.
There's one thing...
One of the oil tanks is leaking a little bit, but...
I was going to fix it
but the tank is too full.
It's too risky.
It's just a little leak in the tank...
One of the caskets...
is broken.
It's not big...
It's not a big deal.
Apart from the smell.
It doesn't smell good.
It smells of fuel.
Can I stay on the boat?
You could, but...
I would not recommend it.
There is a little house on the island, you could stay there.
That would be great, I would love that.
I would love that.
I will contact you soon.
I'm going to talk to my mother
and my sisters about the house.
I have been living on boats
for many, many years, so...
You're used to it.
Yeah, exactly.
If we fix the fuel leak, it'll be no problem.
If you can let me know.
You will need to know one thing:
I don't care about working hard, I don't care about the hours.
I love the place.
I'm very good at whale watching and all that kind of thing.
I love this job.
The only thing that is very important for me is the paperwork.
I really want to be sure
that the port authorities
will register me.
Yes.
We will have to find that out on Monday or Tuesday.
I really try to have this normal life.
A husband, kids...
Going on holidays...
being bored with your husband.
All these kinds of things.
Stability is: I belong to someone.
I was ready for this life, I wanted it.
So, when I met Siggi,
he was...
so open, so easy.
I was like, "Yeah".
A single father.
I fell in love with how he was as a father.
He is so nice with his kids.
He is far from perfect.
But, there are my demons.
And I always have to
calm them down.
"Try it. If you don't try it, you will never manage it."
But then,
one thing will trigger them, they'll say, "You see?
"You see, he doesn't love you."
And then...
Hi Magnus, how are you?
- OK. - It's Hayat.
Have you heard anything from the port authorities?
Yes, I called them today.
And they said...
that it was OK.
It is possible.
You can be a captain on the boat.
OK, cool. Excellent.
All right.
I am in Borgarnes, now.
I don't know if I start to go North or if I stay around.
I think I'll start to head to Drangsnes.
I can be there tomorrow.
I'll meet you there?
Yeah, exactly.
Sounds good?
I'll make some phone calls.
I have to find
a place to stay for you, maybe there's a...
a room in the hotel...
for you.
If there's no other space for you to stay.
Look,
for the moment, I have a tent so I can camp.
And when you have a place, we can discuss it.
Easy.
I will find something.
It's gonna be tough.
Oh, fuck...
I'm the daughter of a junkie woman
and an unknown father.
So you're the kid of nobody.
You're less than shit.
If your mom didn't love you, who can love you?
Nobody.
And you grow up with this idea in your fucking head.
But still, even though you will see demonstrations of love,
you will not believe it.
Because you don't have the base.
Something is missing.
If you don't have this basic love,
you will never believe that someone else can love you.
And that's the base of all my relationships.
How can I change it? I can't.
I know I'm a great person, I know I'm loveable.
I want to have a normal life.
But how do I deal with this?
It's imprinted in my genes, it's in my blood.
How do I get rid of this? I want to get rid of this.
But...
I'm naturally convinced that I cannot be loved.
At least Inaya is loved.
And that's the most important thing.
It will make such a difference.
Juan, push me!
- Mind your hair, Inaya. - Mommy!
Hang on.
All good!
There we go!
I did it for her.
Mommy?
Push me.
- Like this? - Yes.