Fichael, the time is finally here.
It's the day of your royal seating ceremony!
Oh, I'm so pumped.
But what is a royal seating ceremony?
I'm picturing something like this.
How many times we gotta tell you we can't see your goddamn thoughts?
I'm just excited that my brothers and sisters are coming to Farzar
to oversee the event.
Renzo, what are you doing?
Making sure my tits are swole.
I've never met your family. I've got to make sure they like me.
Oh, I love it when you get insecure.
That really butters up Mama's cum-crumpet.
It does have a tender, flaky crust.
[fanfare plays]
Presenting the rulers of the planets of the Zagloot system.
Well at least if your siblings don't like me, I'll charm their spouses.
Actually, in my family, siblings are the spouses.
We have a long, proud tradition of inbreeding.
Holy shit, this family is fuck--
…ing awesome!
It's like a free trip to the circus.
Hey, somebody dropped this.
Whoo!
That's your Uncle Wig!
Get your head out of his ass.
Blarf. Blarf. Blarf. Blarf, blarf, blarf.
At least he seems cool. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm--
The lowlife that got our sister to reject centuries of tradition
and tainted our perfect gene pool.
Pardon me, I seem to have gotten my period.
Tainted gene pool? Our son Fichael turned out fine.
Fine? He has the functioning hands of a peasant.
And his ears are on the outside.
And his ears are on the outside!
[laughing]
Flammy, it's a shame that you married this tall, muscle-bound cretin
instead of your handsome ex-fiancé.
Handsome ex-fiancé? What handsome ex-fiancé?
This handsome ex-fiancé.
Puppeteer, make me sashay into the room regally!
Hello, high school sweetheart slash twin sister.
Oh, goddamn! Your ex is your twin brother?
Splammy? I didn't think you'd come.
You made me come.
But enough about our tenth birthday. Mm.
You must be the new guy.
Puppeteer, make me point at that man
with the intimidating intensity of a scorned lover.
Yes. Just like that.
[adventurous music playing]
♪ Farzar ♪
[smooth jazz music plays]
Could this be any more romantic?
-[farts] -Oh, Mal, stop farting!
Don't tell me what to do. You know the schedule.
Till 9 p.m., I have the ass, you have the vagina.
So you've got the vagina till 9?
It's 8:59. We can do it four times!
Don't even think about it, mister. We're taking it slow.
Obviously. That's why I only said four times.
I've been cheated on before, Fichael, and I need to make sure that I can trust you.
Val, of course you can trust me,
and I respect the fact that you want to take it slow.
Good, because I don't have sex with just anyone.
[alarm buzzing]
Hey, it's 9 p.m.
You, rando guy, get over here and bang me hard.
Fichael, I've never told you this, but, well, I'm a virgin.
[Mal grunts] Give it to me hard, you bitch!
[grunts]
-Oh, yeah. -Are you sure you're a virgin?
Yes, I've been saving my purity for someone special.
I've never had sex with anyone.
But aren't you having sex right now?
No. Wait! Are you watching my sister have sex?
See, this is why I can't trust you, Fichael.
You're probably going to cheat… on… me… too.
Val, I wouldn't trust this Fichael guy.
Never trust a guy with a weird name.
Take it from me. Bungo Hurpy-Slurpy.
So things aren't going well with Val?
No, but at least Mal and Bungo are getting a long
dildo to go up Bungo's ass.
That was strange place to pause.
Isn't your one-month anniversary tomorrow? You should take Val out for a nice dinner.
That's a great idea. I can take her out after my royal seating ceremony tonight.
Scootie, I could use some dating advice like that.
-I don't have any luck with the ladies. -Oh, why don't you try a dating app?
Well, I did have a blind date last night. I got her in the sack.
-Sounds like it went well. -Tell her that.
[muffled speech]
Do you just hate humans?
Are you hardworking and expendable?
I'm Bazarack, your Emperor Supreme,
and I'm looking for a few good minions.
But I'm a goddamn ass goblin with a horse-faced wife.
Can I work for you?
Sure, ass goblin!
Head on over to bazarackkilldiedeath.com to sign up
and soon, you'll also be saying…
We love it here.
Fuck this place!
-[grunts] -[yelps]
Now maybe I'll get some real minions who are cold-blooded killers,
not like you squishy pillow fuckers.
Hey, why haven't I gotten a single application from my website?
That's because someone else owns bazarackkilldiedeath.com. See?
Arts and crafts?
They're selling arts and crafts on my URL?
This is horrible!
I don't know. They are selling some pretty sweet latch-hook dream catchers, Uncle B.
Quarf, if you weren't my nephew, I would murder your stupid ass.
[groans] I'll never forgive my sister for getting knocked up by an alligator.
Mom said my dad was a Komodo dragon.
Who knows? That squishy slut fucked half the swamp.
You know, I'm getting a little bit pissed here,
because we had a meeting and I clearly said the word of the day is "squishy."
Now, I've said it twice
and I haven't seen no cheering, no screaming, or no confetti.
Anyway, how the hell did this website disaster happen?
I told you to register my domain, Fump!
Uh, you never told me to do that.
You told me to stick my head up my squishy ass.
[alarms blare]
[Pee-Wee Herman] He said the word of the day! Yay!
Oh, fuck all of you.
This whole ball is just for my royal seating ceremony?
Oh, isn't it great, Dad?
Shut up, Fichael. Uncle Wig's telling a joke.
Plerf. Plerf. Plerf, plerf, plerf.
[laughs]
Man, that was racist!
Attention, brothers, sisters, cousins,
brother-cousins and sister-cousins, uncle-daughters,
second-cousin-fathers, and Granny Dickchin.
Please stop calling me that.
Oh, go jack-off your chin.
Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying their feast of white goop,
the only food we can still digest.
Thank you, Hammy, for providing it for us.
Fuck it. Protein's protein.
We all know the reason we have gathered on our sexy sister's planet.
To honor her son, Fichael.
Even though Flammy fucked a loser and birthed a freak,
Fichael still has the right to engage in our traditional ceremony.
I am so excited for my seating ceremony. What do I get to sit on?
Uh, not seating.
Seeding.
You're going to impregnate all of your cousins
while the whole family watches
and finger-bangs our inverted penises and upside-down vaginas.
Bring out the cousins!
I can't have sex with my freak-show cousins.
I have a freak-show girlfriend. Mom, tell them!
Sorry, son, it's tradition.
Daddy?
That's a good point, Uncle Wig.
We might all be living in a simulation.
[grunts]
Sorry, I think I'm gonna take a rain check on the cousin orgy.
Great ball though!
After him, cousins!
Everyone, let's not let this ruin our ball.
Now we dance!
That goddamn, inbred marionette is trying to Howdy-Doody-dick my damn wife.
If I lose Flammy, I lose my kingdom.
I'm gonna have to teach his little ass a lesson.
-[dance music playing] -Puppeteer, grind up on it.
Make me slap that ass.
How's the online dating going?
I made a match, but it's going horribly.
We did a video chat the other day and she kept baring her teeth at me.
You mean smile? That means it's going well.
Oh, really? Why hasn't she tried to steal my social security number?
Or introduced me to her cult leader?
Or lured me to a hotel room, chained me to a bed, and made me raw dog her husband?
Man, you've had some bad experiences with women.
All this stuff means is that she likes you.
Haven't you had a woman like you before?
-I've never had anyone like me before. -[phone ringing]
Wait a minute, maybe you're right. She's calling me right now.
Hi, Barry. [giggles] I hope this isn't too forward,
but I've been having such a great time chatting with you.
I think we should meet.
How about at my mother's house?
-Maybe in the bathroom? -No!
I'm not from Farzar. Let's meet in the middle.
Sending coordinates now. See you tonight, hot stuff.
Look at that. You got a date tonight.
If this is anything like prom night, I better get some condoms,
because she'll force me to fill them with drugs,
swallow them, and smuggle them into a prison.
Then make me raw dog her husband.
You know, I'm getting a little miffed here,
because the word of the day is "raw dog."
I've said it twice and I haven't seen no cheering, no screaming, or no confetti.
What the fuck are you talking about, Barry?
Why would she want to meet me way out here?
She's making a fool of you, Barry. I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
[phone dialing]
Hello?
Dear God. I'm going to need a bigger scrote.
Bazarackkilldiedeath.com is registered to a home on this retirement planet.
Shady Acreon Four.
I'm gonna destroy these blue-haired twats and steal my URL back.
There's the place.
Why did you quip-queefers steal my website, bazarackkilldiedeath.com?
What's Bazarackkilldiedeath?
Our web address
stands for a bazaar of arts and crafts from Kiki, Ildi, and Edith.
That's not how you spell "bazaar."
That's because Kiki registered it and she's the dumb one.
And you're the bitch.
Aw. [chuckles]
What are you laughing at? You're the slut!
That is the classic dynamic. Every woman has to be one of those three.
-Now give me my website. -No.
No?! No?!
Well, we gave it a hell of a try. Let's go.
Wait, won't you stay for cheesecake?
Cheesecake?
Cheesecake?!
And that's why Kiki hid her girdle in the flowerpot.
Oh! [chuckles]
Oh, that is so Kiki!
Edith, why did you miss the shuffleboard game yesterday?
Oh, I was in bed with Arthur Ritis.
Makes sense. You already slept with the other two Ritis brothers.
[laughs]
You guys ever have normal conversations? Or is it all setup, punchline?
Anyone interested in bridge?
You talking about the game or the thing you live under?
Ooh, they're coming too fast! Oh, they're coming too fast!
Ooh. Oh, you girls are on fire.
Ooh, sure feels like it. I get so many hot flashes, I could cook eggs.
Your eggs have been cooked
since that botched back-alley abortion destroyed your uterus.
Am I supposed to laugh? This shit just got dark.
She's just mad because we don't like her fiancé, Harold.
Leave Harold alone! I love him!
You know, if I got rid of this Harold character for you,
would you be willing to give me bazarackkilldiedeath.com?
You've got yourself a deal.
Harold's bad news.
I can feel it in my bones.
No, Edith, that's just your osteoporosis.
And we're right back to the zingers like the abortion stuff never happened.
Obviously, I wasn't up-front
about the whole being an immortal galactic being thing.
Now that you've seen my true form,
I'm sure you'll run the other direction like every other guy does.
Oh my God.
Women do that to me too.
The second they see me strip nude and put a gun in my mouth, they're like,
"Oh, how did you get into my apartment?"
People are so rude.
I guess we're just a couple of lonely weirdos, huh?
I don't feel so lonely anymore.
♪ Love is the moon ♪
♪ And love is the sun ♪
♪ It's the heat of our bodies as one ♪
♪ Together, you and me ♪
♪ We fit so perfectly ♪
♪ It's a dream… ♪
I've got a mission for you, Barry.
♪ Love is a ride ♪
♪ A mystery flight ♪
♪ It's the magic that pushes through… ♪
♪ And it's clear to me that love… ♪
Say, I've got a mission for you, Gal.
Ah! Abort mission! Abort mission!
♪ Ooh… ♪
Well, Gal, here's to our first romantic dinner together.
Oh, that's sweet, Barry, but I don't eat human food.
In fact, I only eat one thing. [chuckles]
What? Do I have something in my teeth?
So that explains your full name,
Galaxia, Eater of Worlds.
I just thought you were Greek.
Oh, I can't believe Fichael is late for our one-month anniversary dinner.
Uh, who gives a fuck?
-I'm gonna call him. -[phone dialing]
Fichael? Fichael, where are you?
You're missing our one-month anniversary dinner.
Uh, sorry, I'm sick.
Oh! How'd you get sick?
Get off my back, cunt face!
Ugh, get off! Come on!
What?! Uh, he hung up.
God, I can't believe you're thinking about giving up your virginity to that guy.
I'd be more picky if I were you.
Hey, Gramps. What are you doing at 9:01? You wanna get up in this?
Thank God. I'm safe in here.
Spider cousin!
[action music plays]
Ugh! Fichael?!
Val, it's not as bad as it looks.
These girls who are about to bang me, they're my cousins.
I didn't order this.
It's from me. I've heard a lot about you, Harold.
I'm Barbarack.
I like tennis, I make a mean squash casserole,
and my bush looks like a burned-down house.
Wanna see?
Ah. Barbarack, is it?
The girls at Bible study call me Pussy Quicksilver.
You like to golf?
I got two or three holes you can drop your balls in.
One of them feels like a sand trap, but I'm not telling you which one.
Look, Barbarack, you're a beautiful woman, and I appreciate the offer,
but my heart belongs to another.
Ugh. I can't believe he didn't want to see my arson bush.
I wants to see your arson bush!
[Pee-Wee Herman] He said the word of the day! Yay!
I just said it!
Wake up, you little twerp.
Here's what's about to happen.
I'm gonna give you the beatdown of your life.
Then you're going to leave this planet forever.
Oh, there's going to be a beatdown,
but it's not going to be me.
Puppeteer!
-[action music plays] -[grunts]
Show no mercy, puppeteer!
[grunts]
What the fuck are you? Sesame Street Fighter?
Puppeteer! Liu Kang bicycle kick.
-Ah! -[grunting]
That's gotta be the best goddamn puppeteer in the universe.
Puppeteer, finish him!
[grunts]
-Ha ha! -[grunts]
Help! I've been attacked.
This man assaulted a member of the royal family,
an act punishable by death!
Flammy, I didn't get a single punch in,
which makes sense because I came here to tuck him in.
Those are the rules.
I have no choice.
An execution is in order.
Et tu, Uncle Wig?
Plarf.
Puppeteer, make me spit on him.
[puppeteer] Bee-oop!
Splat.
Where do you wanna go to dinner tonight, babe?
I'm kind of craving an ice planet, or maybe something with rings.
Yes, about that.
I was wondering if it, uh, would be a good idea
if you maybe cut down on the planet eating.
So what… what is that supposed to mean? You think I'm fat?
No! No, no, no, no! [chuckles]
It's more about the killing- billions-of-innocent-people thing.
Why not eat uninhabited planets?
Oh, here we go! All vegans want to talk about is being vegan.
Look, this time with you has made me so happy that it's been days
since the voice in my head told me to tongue-fuck a shotgun.
I'm just having a teensy problem with the planetary genocide.
Look at it like this.
Every time you wash your hands, you're killing billions of inferior organisms.
I'm doing the exact same thing. Three meals a day.
Mm. These are good points.
Blarpon 13! This planet will be perfect for dinner.
Would you be a dear and go glaze the innocent people
in teriyaki for me? Thanks.
[voice in Barry's head] Now Barry had gotten himself into quite a pickle.
Was he going to listen to his girlfriend or his conscience?
Seems like the easiest thing to do would be to tongue-fuck a shotgun.
Damn it. He's back.
I need to talk to Val.
She's not here right now.
And even if she was, she wouldn't want to talk to you.
What kind of sex addict perv are you?
[chuckles] Is it 9:00 yet?
Almost!
Well if Val were here, I'd tell her I did not cheat on her.
My family is trying to force me to impregnate my cousins.
Whoo!
Unfortunately,
I don't think my cousins will ever stop until they get what they want from me,
but I don't want to cheat on Val,
which is why I spent the last 20 minutes making this.
-What's that? -A gallon jug full of my jizz.
Whoo!
Okay, you mind putting a lid on that?
I'm going to give this to my cousins so they'll stop trying to bang me.
It was the most painful 20 minutes of my life,
but I made this gallon of gunk because I love Val.
Good God. That has to be the--
Sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Oh my God, have you been here the whole time?
Fichael, I'm ready. To do it.
Now? I'm kind of raw down there. Plus the room is kind of full.
This, right here, this is our moment.
[moaning]
-Ow. -[alarm buzzes]
Oh my God, Fichael, it's after nine o'clock!
You are cheating on me with my sister!
-[all gasp] -You disgust me.
Where's your conscience?
Uh…
Whoo!
I'm sorry it came to this, dear.
I told you your family wouldn't fucking like me.
Welcome to the execution ball.
Puppeteer!
Didn't you forget something?
Silly me.
It is tradition that we have ceremonial sustenance before any execution.
Hoist her up!
[squeals]
What happened to Hammy?
Nobody fucks with my family!
[laughing]
Oh, fuck.
Ah!
I will use your bones as dinner utensils
and your skin as rugs in my parlor.
Holy shit, woman.
That was the most fucked-up, ruthless thing I have ever seen,
and I have never been more attracted to you.
I am about to show you a night of passion you won't believe.
Puppeteer!
[Fammy moaning]
Yes! Oh, yes in there! In there! In there!
Puppeteer, let's wrap this up.
[puppeteer] Bee-oop.
Splat.
Kiki, I've got some bad news about Harold.
It turns out your friends were right all along.
He is a bad guy.
Why'd you put Harold's head on both our bodies?
You told me to, and said it would be hilarious.
Don't listen to me when I'm drunk.
Oh my God, Harold has a twin brother that he's sleeping with.
It's over!
[sobs]
Boy, she really is dumb.
Great job, Bazarack. We'll transfer the domain over to you now.
[sobbing]
I can't do this.
Kiki, I won't ruin your life for a web address.
I faked the video.
I tried to get Harold to betray you, but he wouldn't.
He is a great guy and you should marry him.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Oh, we're sorry for not trusting Harold. We were just afraid that you'd get hurt.
But if Bazarack is vouching for Harold, he's obviously a great guy.
Oh, come here, you!
[grunts]
Girls, I gotta go.
But I'm glad some stories do have happy endings.
Oops. Forgot my keys.
Ah!
Harold! What the hell did you do, you fucking psycho? You killed 'em!
Oh, yeah, I'm a serial killer.
[woman] What the hell?
Yeah, like I give a damn, I'll be in my room.
Wow, Edith said you were bad news. I guess she was right.
But now I think about it, this actually solves the whole website problem for me.
Everyone, meet my new minion,
Harold!
Master, are you sure--
Just hide the knives. It'll be fine.
Hi, everyone. I'm Harold.
[Pee-Wee Herman] He said the name of the day! Ah!
Am I fucking invisible?!
So you're a planet of adorable cancer survivors in wheelchairs.
We're also orphans.
And we have so much to live for.
I'm sorry, kid. I can't raw dog another husband.
Just, yes, lift up the arm.
Hey, lover, how did it go with the mankind marinade?
Look, the planet is full of a lot of really nice children. I--
Aw, kids are so sweet.
And tender. I'm feeling like having star-becue.
[children screaming]
Barry, what are you doing?
I love you, but I can't let you do this.
Barry! No!
If you had this power, why didn't you do it sooner?
I thought if you were small enough to date other guys,
you wouldn't give me the time of day anymore.
Oh, Barry,
you were totally right.
Goodbye forever!
Wait, one last thing.
Can I borrow this?
Good call on the teriyaki.
♪ Love is the moon ♪
♪ And love is the sun ♪
♪ It's the heat of our bodies as one ♪
♪ Together, you and me ♪
♪ We fit so perfectly ♪
♪ It's a dream to me ♪
♪ Love is a ride ♪
♪ A mystery flight ♪
♪ It's the magic that pushes through ♪
♪ And it's clear to me that love is you ♪