[announcer] Welcome to Adoraball,
the official pastime of Farzar.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
-the ball! -[giggles]
-[cheering] -Finally something pleasant for once.
[whistle blows]
Oh, shit!
Oh! Uh…
[screaming]
Ooh, bold move by Coach Nagy, calling in a napalm strike this early.
Remember, folks, he only gets one a quarter.
This is weird game. What are rules?
I have no idea.
Like every white sports fan, I'm just here to get drunk and yell at minorities.
[yells]
It's pretty basic.
Each team has a lifter, a grumpus, a power grumpus,
a zepler, a turkleton, and a point guard.
Now, first team to 14 blarney baskets wins
unless a Jakubowski flip-flop has been pre-authorized
or the one-eyed gnome sees his shadow.
Yeah. You lost me at "it's."
These guys suck! I'm way better at Adoraball than any of them.
Oh, bullshit! You never played Adoraball.
My dad and I used to play all the time when I was a kid.
It seems a little violent for children.
In what possible way?
[cheering]
That was nice to see you give that little boy head.
Oh, for the last time, he was an 18-year-old dwarf.
Oh, you were talking to Fichael.
-Ah! -[buzzer blares]
[announcer] You all know what that buzzer means. Time to release the Wendigo!
[growls]
Oh my, tough break.
The Wendigo has eaten all but seven players,
meaning the blue team will have to forfeit.
Game's over? Oh no. I was looking forward to three more hours of stupid shit.
Well, lucky you, 'cause "stupid shit" is my middle name.
Fear not, lovers of sport!
For I, brave Prince Fichael Stupid Shit,
decree that I shall join the blue team
so the game can continue.
Don't do it, Fichael! You can't go out there.
Aw, you're scared I'll get hurt.
Fuck, no. I got five grand on the blue team. Although…
Hey, let me put five Gs on Fichael getting his dick eaten by the Wendigo.
Go get 'em, tiger!
Okay, team, I've run this play a thousand times with my dad
and I've never dropped the Adoraball once.
Let's go!
[cheering]
29, 94, 30, 19.
Put those years on my tombstone when I die in about two seconds.
[screams]
I got it! I got it! I--
[siren blaring]
At least I caught that ball.
Oh, you certainly did… not in any way catch that ball.
[announcer] Not only did Prince Fichael lose the game
by not making the easiest catch ever,
but he handed victory to the Wendigo.
In accordance with Adoraball rules,
Czar Renzo must now grant the Wendigo a wish,
which can only end badly for all of us.
Congrats, Fichael, on being the MVP.
Motherfucking Vile Peckerhead.
[stutters] I don't understand how I dropped that pass.
I remember practicing for hours with my dad.
[sweet dreamy music plays]
There's a simple explanation, Fichael.
That memory is fake.
Renzo asked me to implant it into your head using a memory gun.
I don't understand. Why would he do that?
I'm guessing so he wouldn't have to spend time with you.
I mean, you are a hall-of-fame MVP.
But I do apologize, Fichael,
and I promise that's the only unethical thing I've done.
-Visiting hours are over. -Thanks, fat Scootie.
Wait a minute, did that fat, white dude just have my old head for a head?!
Hmm. Yes, funny story.
After your head got cut off,
I was able to flip it for a little scratch on the black market.
Just like I did with all your other human parts.
Barry, that's fucked up!
Not as fucked up as using science to change a child's memory.
I am not going to say it again. He was an 18-year-old dwarf!
[adventurous music playing]
♪ Farzar ♪
Dearest, tonight, I was thinking we could try something different,
making love with the lights on.
Okay, let me put on some protection.
No blindfolds!
How about eclipse glasses?
No! I want you to gaze upon my lustful flesh.
[trilling]
-[grunts] -Ah!
I looked directly at it.
[groans] You're as mushy as a microwaved french fry.
Are you still stressed about your war with Bazarack?
Yeah. Bazarack's the reason my pecker's playing possum.
Not because your body looks like an overused candle.
I will not stand for this. I will write Bazarack a letter.
It's high time I gave that alien a piece of my mind.
Uh, Flammy, we have pens.
What do you mean? This is a pen.
Uh, Shady Acreon, get the room ready. We have reached dementia level titty pen.
Dad, we need to… What the heck?
See what you've got me into, Fichael?
I've been granting Wendigo wishes all goddamn day.
[growls]
Excuse me. Wendigo wants me to Boot Scoot Boogie.
[country music plays]
I thought the Wendigo is only entitled to one wish.
I told him that.
I also told him there was a rule that he couldn't wish for unlimited wishes.
So this clever motherfucker wished for ten billion wishes.
Why couldn't you catch that damn ball?
I shouldn't have even been on that field! Why would you give me a fake memory?
We had so many actual great times together when I was growing up.
Like the time you taught me how to ride a bike.
Attaboy, Fichael. Keep pedaling. You're doing it.
You're the best son a bicycle could have.
Wait, why does that memory end with a production card?
Oh my God. Did you fake that one too?
Do you know how many times I got beat up
for telling kids my dad could turn into a flying bicycle?
None. I put those memories in too, to build character.
Are any of my memories real? What about that time I almost drowned?
Hold on, son, I'll save you.
I love you, Dad.
I love you too, son.
Almost as much as I love the dual zone climate control on the new Lexus RX.
Yeah, I'm pretty fucking great.
Experience amazing at your Lexus dealer.
You sold ad space in my memory?
Is that why I'm currently paying leases on 32 Lexuses?
And because it's got smart park technology.
[growls]
Great. Now the goddamn Wendigo wants a Lexus.
Or a hand job. I'm not fucking fluent in Wendigo.
[beeping]
Ah, at last, time for my afternoon delight.
Checking out Mommy's bubbly beave.
Hey, Barry.
What is this? Where's Mother? She's never been out of the shower!
Well, she's not getting back in the shower
unless you help me get my human parts back.
Fine. I'll do it.
Just get Mother back in the shower before she dries out.
Don't worry. She's fine.
I sold your legs to that guy. He said they'd make him better at basketball.
Hey. Why did you assume my legs would make you better at basketball?
Uh, because I was born without legs.
Oh. Oh, sorry. I just can't stand it when people reinforce racial stereotypes.
Now give me them legs before I bust a cap in your ass.
And there's your heart.
Doctor, that's a--
Don't say anything. I want to get out of here by six.
-So, uh, who'd you sell my ass to? -That guy.
Ooh, all the ladies love Donnie Double Ass.
Ooh, I'm living the two-ass dream.
One for shits and one for giggles.
Ooh, now who wants to hear me fart in stereo?
Ah! Me! I wanna hear that shit!
Honey, you remember Barry Barris.
He's the kind man who sold us the new arm for our son.
[babbling]
You're one fucked-up dude, Barry.
We better get that off before that baby starts teething and I end up in prison.
When I pull this lever,
your consciousness will be transferred back into your human self.
Ooh, I can't wait to be human again!
Ha ha! I'm back! It worked!
Nah! No, it didn't. I'm still here!
Oopsie. Looks like I hit copy paste instead of cut paste,
which means that your consciousness now exists in both bodies.
Wow. This raises some major philosophical questions
about the nature of existence.
-Well, good luck with that shit. -Hey, you can't leave us like this!
Hey, I did my best.
If you don't like it, you can kiss my asses.
[ominous music plays]
Master, we could easily take the human city
now that I've invented this.
It's a tetracarbon suit
that allows the wearer to literally walk through the dome's protective barrier.
Oh. May I see that, please?
Your plan sucks wet shit!
You know, maybe if you brought me an idea as good as my idea for the idea furnace,
all of your ideas wouldn't have to go into the goddamn idea furnace!
[grunting]
Drop it. You drop that mail, Gorpzorp. Goddamn it, stop eating the mail!
Bad scientist!
"Dear Bazarack, it's me, Flammy the Queen, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
"I command you to leave my husband alone."
"It's taking a horrible toll on our love life."
Sir, there's dissent within the royal bedroom.
Renzo is distracted. We can seize power by simply--
Writing the queen a love letter, courting her,
blowing her back out, marrying her, and becoming czar!
[laughs]
Now, who knows pretty words?
"Dearest Flammy, your beauty staggers me."
"I lie awake in this violet hour,
tossing and turning, longing for your tender touch."
Holy fucking shit. How'd you think of that with your dumb dog brain?
Somebody get this little fucker a Snausage.
This letter is almost perfect.
It just needs one more little thing.
Yeah, all right.
Ah. The hard part's getting it centered.
Mm-hmm.
A Polaroid of your anus?
Gots to show her what's on the menu.
Then Steve was Black and Denzel was white for the whole episode.
[laughing]
Oh, shit, that show sounds terrible.
What are you doing here?
This is my work.
This is my work. I'm Scootie.
I'm Scootie!
Seems there's only one way to settle this.
Dance competition!
[dance music playing]
I think we have to give the robot dance
to human Scootie.
How can I not win that? I'm literally a fucking robot!
[scoffs] Exactly. He was dancing. You were just moving.
Guys, come on.
There's no reason that the S.H.A.T. Squad can't have two Scooties
and all do stuff together as a group.
Cool by me. And I've got just the perfect thing.
Water park!
Oh! This is awesome!
That handsome motherfucker knows if I get wet, I'll die.
Looks like this planet ain't big enough for two Scooties.
And I'm gonna have to kill
myself.
[suspenseful chord plays]
Uh, your kid's not tall enough for the slide.
He's not a kid!
He's an 18-year-old dwarf who I perform oral sex on.
What's wrong with you people?
This came for you, Prince Fichael.
Now I've got my own memory gun.
Gonna teach my dad a lesson for messing with my head, man!
My Pantene! Oh, I've loved this stuff ever since…
So you're Fichael's prom date. Tell me a little about yourself.
Pantene, for hair so healthy it shines.
I like her, Fichael.
Now I know her bottle says two-in-one,
but maybe she'll let you put one in two.
Uh, what does that mean, Dad?
-Don't overthink it. -I'm just trying to think it.
This came for you, Your Majesty.
Oh, my. A love letter!
Plus a Polaroid of his straight-up asshole!
[gasps] How romantic.
But what should I do?
I still love Renzo.
When is the last time Renzo wrote you a love letter?
Or sent you a pic of his asshole?
Good point, Fork. What should I do?
♪ It's time to cheat, cheat, cheat On your limp dick spouse ♪
♪ It's time to get to smashing Flames of passion have been doused ♪
♪ Who are you? You're the queen! ♪
♪ Every man should munch your bean ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Whoa, Mom, what are you doing?
Wait a minute. Did you take your brain pills today?
These eggs told me not to.
Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.
How many times do I have to tell you eggs? Stop giving my mother medical advice!
-Let me guess. Another Wendigo wish? -Nah, we're just hanging out.
-What do you want? -Mm. Payback.
I had a feeling this day would come.
Let's do this.
[showdown music plays]
Remember, your waiter said, "Enjoy your meal." You said, "You too!"
No! That was so embarrassing. He wasn't even eating.
Remember last week when your dick fell off?
Ah! My cock is gone!
Oh, it grew back.
Remember when you sneezed at Home Depot, a booger came out and you ate it
and the head of the paint department saw you?
Remember that you're a…
[stutters]
Shit. A stapler!
Dad, are you okay?
I'm not your dad. I'm Cachunkachunk.
That's my name, and the sound I make, 'cause I'm a goddamn stapler.
[ominous music plays]
Curse you, you vomitus slut!
[grunting]
No, not the devil's mist!
Oh, what's this?
Hmm.
Flammy liked my letter and poop chute Polaroid
and she's coming here!
Sir, I worry that this is a trap.
Oh, shut up.
I'm the expert on women here.
Real quick, how do humans have sex?
[sighs] The same way that aliens have sex.
Right.
Real quick, how do aliens have sex?
[sighs]
Well, don't do it in front of me!
That wasn't sex, sir.
So this is her vagina.
Mm-hmm.
And that goes up my butt?
Who's the bag of stale bagels?
That's Queen Flammy, sir.
Bagels because you're hot,
and you smell like onions,
and you're covered with little seeds.
I don't know.
Is there some place we can be alone?
Sir, perhaps you would prefer to stay in my sight, for safety?
Ew!
Clitaris, you nasty perv.
How am I supposed to bump fuglies with you in the corner pulling on your wing-wang?
Let's get out of here before he starts flinging his goop at us.
[romantic jazz playing]
[moaning]
Oh. [chuckles]
I'm having some trouble unhooking your bra.
Oh, I'm not wearing a bra. Those are skin tags.
I think I'm-- [gags]
I think it's time I took my teeth out, if you know what I mean.
Oh, is that a sex thing? Great.
Yeah, let's lose the chompers.
Ow!
Ooh. Seventeen magazine was right.
Sex does hurt the first time.
Ah. Beautiful night, huh?
Fuck off, Clitaris. Can't you see I'm having sex?
[moaning]
My, my, my, isn't that a beefy cock?
What the fuck?
-Your balls look like Clitaris? -Maybe I should leave you two alone.
Will you stay away from us?
I'm trying to find out what happens when she takes her teeth out.
Do they go up my butt like her vagina does?
Barry, you gotta help me.
-What seems to be the problem? -Staple, staple, staple.
What the fuck are you doing here, you son of a bitch?
All I do is create.
All you do is destroy.
I think I scrambled his brain with a memory gun
and now he thinks he's a stapler.
I got it. I shrink you down to the size of a microbe,
then beam you into your father's brain,
where you eradicate all his memories of being a stapler.
Have you done this before?
Only with chipmunks.
-Did it work? -I think so.
They still live inside my head and tell me what to say.
-Why would you say that? -[alarm blares]
-I don't know. I panicked. -Act normal! Act normal!
Fichael, I love you. Be my grandpa. We can marry a pig and lick a fence post.
Anyway, when I pull this lever, you'll be transported into your father's brain.
Because of science or some fucking bullshit,
you'll have five minutes to eradicate Renzo's stapler memories
and get out before you return to normal size.
Got it? Good.
-Who are you? -Uh… [clears throat]
Uh, memory inspector.
Yes, of course.
Let me show you some of my memories. Here's the happiest day of my life.
Pick me! Pick me!
Well, you never seemed this happy as my dad.
Maybe you were meant to be Cachunkachunk the Stapler.
What's that over there?
I only want the best childhood for Fichael and I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm scared to death because I don't know how to be a good dad.
I think I have the perfect solution.
I'm not gonna kill him!
Okay, misread the room. How about a memory gun?
Yes. I'm going to work day and night to write the perfect childhood for my son.
I'm sorry, Cachunkachunk, but you gotta go. I want my real dad back.
Fuck you! I like being a stapler. Cachunk!
Ah!
Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!
Oh, shit, I'm jammed. No, stop it! Staplers don't bend that far.
My tiny springs will pop!
[automated voice] Five seconds until enlargement.
The first warning is five seconds?
My goodness, that was close.
But I do believe it worked.
Where's my boot?
I think I found it, you goddamn MVP.
Die, me!
[New Scootie] I knew you were gonna do that.
-Ah! -I knew you were gonna do that.
I knew you knew I was gonna do that.
Well, I knew you knew I knew…
You know what? Can we just fight to the death without narrating this shit?
Fine, whatever. I knew you were gonna say that.
[suspenseful music plays]
Just give up. You're not the real Scootie.
Your consciousness was uploaded. You're just a copy.
You're not the real Scootie either.
Your consciousness was uploaded too, years ago.
So if neither of us is the real Scootie,
where is the real Scootie?
[screaming]
So if I'm not real, what am I?
Do I even have a soul?
Should I even exist?
If I'm dead, I shouldn't even be here.
[whimpers] Goodbye, cruel world.
You didn't see that shit coming, did you? [laughs]
Real Scootie, if you up there, I'll see you one day.
Man, hell sucks. They gave me two asses, but they're both for giggles.
I can't shit.
I never wanted to hurt you, son.
I just didn't want to screw up.
I don't care about you screwing up, Dad.
I just care that we're making wonderful, real memories together.
Oh boy, son. Reel it in.
Easy. Whoa.
Look like you caught yourself a seven-seater.
This is the best real, definitely-not-fake day I've ever had.
Oh, how did I get so lucky to have a dad like you?
I don't know, Fichael. Maybe you're born with it.
And maybe it's Maybelline.
Oh, I'm so glad we're finally alone. [chuckles]
Yeah. Me too.
Now, let's get to knocking them boots.
-[Clitaris grunts] -No, enough. Get out of here!
[stutters] But, sir--
No buts!
The only butts here
are the ones me and that petrified piece of pigeon pie
are gonna be mashing together.
'Cause that's a thing in sex, right?
Butt mashing? Anyhow, fucking beat it!
[moaning]
And there go the teeth!
Finally, I get to see what happens next.
Oh my God, is that a dildo?
No, you moron.
I didn't come here to have sex with you.
I came here to kill you,
so I could finally have sex with my husband again.
Wait, what?
[gun whirs]
Master, no!
Seize her!
Thanks for the butthole pic, sucker!
Sir, I'm not going to make it.
My dying wish is for you to unite the alien clans
and reclaim our glorious planet once and for all.
I'll do it. I'll kill every last one of those disgusting humans.
I swear here and now that I will avenge you, Guitar Piss.
Did you just call me "Guitar Piss"?
Uh, that's your name, right?
[groans]
That… Wait a minute, that's… That's his name, right?
Guitar Piss?
Don't say anything.
I want to get out of here by six.
[adventurous music playing]