["Under Your Spell" playing]
Hi, this is Joey Shorter with Brightside Lunar Residences.
How can I be of assistance...
[salespeople chattering]
Imagine with me, Mrs. McKenna,
those zinnias stretching skyward in reduced gravity.
- What a sight. - One minute, exactly.
Holographic wallpaper? You got it.
Of course. I'll call you back.
You know, you feel like family, Howard. You do.
Which is why I'm gonna get you the very same deal I got my own ma.
No. Hold on one second, sir.
Shirl, chalk me up a B-Plex. Lot B5, crater-view.
Herb. Herb, you come fry a ham steak on my bare chest over here,
because I am just-- I am so hot, baby.
Ed, stop. I don't have a ham steak.
God forbid, Jack, I disappoint you with another one of these ads.
We might all end up rich.
Well, then we'll call it even on you being dead wrong on the new kid.
[Eddie] Would you like a strong coffee pot?
Hey, who wants to mop this one up? Easy money.
- Joey, you could take it. - Yeah, I got it, Jack.
[Joey] Hi, this is Joey Shorter
- with Brightside Lunar Residences. - [scoffs]
[laughs] It's great that you heard our ad on the radio.
It's too bad about our Volts, but we'll-- we'll shock 'em next time, right? Okay.
Patch me in, Shirl.
Careful, Herb. New kid's coming for your lunch money.
Now, if you could just give me...
[salespeople chattering]
I'm a guy who takes "No" for, "Let's just keep talking until 'yes.'"
You've gotta be proud, Mrs. Shizlitski, with your son in the lunar mines.
And what could make him happier
than his beloved ma being a quarter of a million miles closer to him, right?
Hey Shirl, uh, patch me in again.
I got another one. It's a C-Plex, C12.
Welcome to second place, kid.
[sighs]
Where's Herb? Did he just hear that and jump out the window?
You know what? It's getting late.
Let's call it a night, stay fresh for tomorrow's leads.
[stammers] I'm all good to keep going, Jack.
Ooh, you stay that hungry, kid.
Desperation, a salesman's greatest asset.
I am living proof of that.
This kid's got some real dog in him.
He stole second place, and all he wants is more.
Let's, uh, knock off and run a victory lap.
[groans, sighs]
Take this then. That's all of it.
Great. You'll be thrilled to know that you are now likely to be working
with the team's number two top seller this evening.
I'll get you on the first launch out.
[Myrtle] Jesus, am I supposed to read all this?
Technically, yes.
But time is your most precious asset.
[gasps]
That's it. [laughs]
You won't be disappointed, ma'am.
The next quarterly launch is scheduled in just a few quick months.
Months? Months? No. No. That's not possible.
We're not talking about a bus to Sun City, ma'am.
This is a state-of-the-art rocket launch, scheduled quarterly,
as contractually specified.
- So, I'll just go get this processed. - No, no, no.
You don't understand!
I have to go now.
You're on the same great schedule as all our customers.
But I also don't believe in impossible, so I'll be Mr. Do-All-I-Can for you.
First thing tomorrow morning.
But... I have nowhere else to go.
[ValetBot] Can I help you with transportation?
A man of your accomplishments needs a drink in his hands.
One day on the road to a lifetime.
Thanks, Jack.
- Wow, this is really great. - Mmm.
[Jack exhales deeply]
You know, I-- I sold one to my old algebra teacher, Mr. Klein.
I was just thinking about him up there one day, you know, looking down at us.
And it's all thanks to me. [chuckles] Kinda. You know?
[rocket ascends]
Oh, wow, wow, look at that.
- Look at that. [sighs] Look at that. - Whoa.
- [Joey whispers] Wow. - Yeah, wow, that must be the 568.
I should've brought the whole gang out here to see it.
- That's one of ours? - Yeah, I think so. Must be.
- [chuckles] - Oh, man,
it'd be great to see one up close one day.
Oh, kid, just you wait.
[both chuckle]
[sighs] Okay. Yeah, I should grab the bus.
It's getting pretty late to be stopping by Mom.
Or, at this hour, I mean, we can get you a room here for the night.
Yeah?
[stammers] I mean, I don't really need--
You are way past the business of what you need, kid.
It's time for what you deserve.
- [both laughing] - [glasses clink]
You know where this would look a whole lot nicer?
- Mm-hmm? - On you, Shirley.
Kinda confetti-strewn, little to no other garments, or--
Am I getting ahead of myself by about 12 minutes here?
[inhales deeply] But who's measuring, right?
- Abundance is fucking abundance, Shirley. - [chuckles]
Your abundance is fixing my car and your problems tomorrow.
Problems, car, tomorrow. Ding, ding, ding.
All right, you guys. Have a good night and-- and just, thanks for everything.
Oh, it's Captain Puberty.
How you doing? You all good for bus fare?
Ignore him, Joe. He's terrified of anyone younger than he is.
[laughs] No, uh, Jack's grabbing me a room, actually.
Oh, okay. You gonna be ready to pack out with us tomorrow?
Pack out? W-What about all the great leads we've got here?
Day's work, then wheels up.
We're lucky we got all we did out of this town.
Right. So there's never someone who sticks around just to work local?
Well, that's kind of the thing about traveling salesmen, kid.
They do tend to travel.
Uh, Shirley, you wanna go grab that sizable form I mentioned?
It's okay if the road's not for you, Joe. You did good tonight.
Yeah, you did.
We'll send you a card on your 12th birthday.
[ValetBot] Have a wonderful evening.
Joe. Jack's not here?
You just missed him. Why?
Mmm. Certain developments is all.
Regarding fairness, which always favors the actual winners.
[ValetBot] Good evening, guest. How can I make your stay more pleasant?
[door opens]
♪ Every man's a king, Herb-O As long as every man is me, Herb-O ♪
♪ Oh, she loves me, she loves me Oh, oh, oh ♪
- Oh, Jesus! Who are you? - [Eddie] Oh!
- Whoa, you're not Herb at all. - [Myrtle] He told me I could sleep here.
Boy, for a mealy-minded, congenitally limp fella like him--
[Myrtle] Get out! Go!
All right, forgive me, forgive me,
hot-blooded woman who is way outta Herb's league.
This is half my room as well, but no, I'll-- I'll gladly vacate.
Wait, hey... [stammers] ...he said he would get me on an earlier launch. Did he?
Oh, God, Herb. Oh, good luck, toots. Seriously.
[yells]
Jacky boy, you're hoarding my handsome grandson.
Sure, you're ashamed of me, but don't overestimate my patience.
- [Jack] Delete. - [answering machine beeps]
[Jack's mom] Every day you're here and not delivering Joey, who I am owed,
I die faster.
- Delete. - [answering machine beeps]
- [knocking] - Down in a flash.
[Shirley] I need a minute, Jack.
[mouthing words] Fuck.
All right, anything for you, Shirl, anytime.
[sighs]
- Hey. - [laughs] Fifteen units in three hours.
Considering we did 48 the last three months, I'd call it an eventful evening.
Oh, you know-- Uh, could you, uh, help me, uh, pick out a tie? Uh...
Yes, we are making big waves. Big, big, big, big waves.
You know, I shouldn't, uh, I shouldn't be thinking like this,
but if Jenkins hits us with more delays now,
this whole town is gonna grab pitchforks.
Well, that'll be HQ's problem 'cause we'll be long gone.
- That is the right call, Shirl. [sighs] - [Shirley chuckles]
Oak Grove has a county fair tomorrow.
I got prices on ad buys.
Plus, a regional spread plan profit projection.
Lots of potential we never had the stones to tap.
This is, uh, also all stuff that you are not paid enough to worry about. [chuckles]
Well, whosever job it is, I'm better at it.
I'm not saying ambition doesn't look great on you. It does.
But let's, um...
[sighs] Let's just hit the road.
Keep working doors like we know how. Crawl before we corner the market.
Of course. Who doesn't wanna make less money?
Me, Shirl.
I've got a boss, and bosses are violent, irrational creatures,
especially when you start spending their budgets however the hell you want.
One day, when Brightside's bigger than sliced bread and you and me run the show,
we will be rich enough to make up our own rules.
Ready when you are.
- [knocking] - [Joey] Hey, Jack, it's me.
Oh, too bad Joey won't travel.
- I see some of what you're seeing. - [Jack] Won't travel?
[Joey knocking] Jack, you got a minute?
- Hey, good morning. - Hey.
Hey, Shirl.
I-- I was-- I was just coming by to say thanks for everything.
I-I gotta go home.
Well, hey-- [stammers] Let me give you a ride. Okay?
Got something I wanna show you.
Let's go.
Mm-hmm. It only looked like I was in last place,
and that's with Jack handing this Joey certain advantages,
which he needs, of course, given his total lack of expertise.
Herbie, you're not letting life on the road get to you again, are you?
- Remember, we're stronger than that. - [Herb] Much stronger.
[Herb's wife] So much stro--
Wait, um, Herbie, what is that scarf?
[chuckles] That women's scarf there on your bed.
Oh, you see, honey, I can't say for certain what that scarf is or whose,
because I was not present when it was left there.
I'm alone, every day.
And I'm here for you, your eternal rock, with our twins growing inside me,
and-- and you have a scarf. You have a scarf! [breathes heavily]
[upbeat music playing on car radio]
[Joey laughs]
A car like this. All the home a salesman ever needs.
- Oh, man. [chuckles] - Hey, don't be shy, kid, open her up.
- You sure? - Yeah, see what she got.
Here goes nothing.
[Joey gasps] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
- [Joey laughing] - Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Whoo. - Ah.
That's right, kid. Ten and two, right there, you got it.
[laughs] This thing's pretty powerful.
[Jack laughs] Yeah, it is.
So, Joe, we head out tonight, and I-I would be honored
to have the most promising rookie salesman I've ever met in convoy with us.
And you can drive your new car here too.
What-- What do you mean?
What, you don't like it? We'll-We'll swap it out, but frankly, I think it suits you.
[stammers] You didn't buy this for me.
You didn't think any of this would be as good as it is, but... here we are.
[chuckles]
[breathes deeply]
You know, it's just--
- Oh, it's just too much. Jack, it's-- No. - No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Don't get hung up, kid. Call it a company car.
You work with us, you get to drive it. That simple.
Yeah, you don't have to sell me on it, Jack.
I'm-- I'm not going to go.
I can't leave my mom.
I can't.
[sipping]
You haven't seen Jack, have you?
Herb, my compliments. I met your conjugal visitor from last night.
Well, I was very wrong about you.
You're actually very wrong about being wrong about me.
I provided her with our customer service hotline, which should be very helpful.
Now you're ducking her like a regular Don Juan, and-- just-- It's shocking.
No one's ducking or shocking or anything.
Why does everyone think I'm a sex maniac?
It's a fair question. Let me ask you something.
Now, you saw this in a shop window, huh? Singing you a love song.
Would you not put aside certain other pertinent concerns?
Look at this. Look at that. Ooh. AutoColor, huh? Goes with everything.
Very impressive.
Um, okay, uh, just slowly walk away, okay?
I know you have a million and one stupid fucking questions.
For once, please save them and get outta here.
Take that bag of money.
Probably time I just give it to Shirl.
[BarBot] Hey there, pal.
There you are. I-I've been looking all over for you, Fred.
Third visit on this tab, Ed. Third visits hurt.
Great news. Payday is tomorrow.
You'll find me right here, Fred. Come on, you'll have every cent.
Money or pain, pal. It's your call.
[sighs]
Come on, you gotta have something on ya. Anything.
[sighs] Fred, I got nothing.
[groans] You unlucky bum.
All right, easy. Okay, hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. Please?
I can walk myself, all right? Big boy now.
[BarBot] Have a wonderful afternoon.
[robot] Hello, and thank you for calling the Brightside Lunar Residences,
where you'll live your brighter tomorrow today.
For Sales, press one.
For more about the Brightside, press two.
For Sales, press one.
For more about the Brightside, press two.
- [key press] - [robot] Invalid entry.
- [key presses] - [robot] Invalid entry. Invalid entry.
- In-- Invalid entry. - [sighs]
[key press]
Sorry, none of our sales associates are available to take your call.
[yells]
Follow.
[sighs]
You cut me off, but his name was "Herb Porter,"
and he should be fired immediately
because I never would have done this if he hadn't let me think--
And now I'm stuck here in this dingy motel
with nothing in my suitcase but goddamn loungewear for the moon.
[sighs]
Waiting three-- three months with no home to go back to?
I thought I was leaving right away.
Do you know what it took to get here?
Are these the offices of Brightside Lunar "Redisences?"
Yeah, what can I do for ya?
I'll need to speak with the manager or operationally deputized "sudorbinate."
Yeah, guess I'll do.
- Location of corporate enterprise? - Excuse me?
Location of corporate enterprise?
Where's HQ, you mean?
- The moon. - [consumer rights agent] Mmm.
- Form 703C, please. - Yeah, now you stumped me.
Fetch 703C.
Pursuant to the non-local entity's unpermitted broadcast advertisements
on WYBS,
you are required to file a 703C Statement of Disclosure.
Down.
Per entity, per transaction, in "triclipate."
Sorry, I wasn't aware.
[agent] Which, ipso facto, constitutes a violation.
These are public airwaves, ma'am.
We can't just allow anyone from anywhere to say anything they want.
Well, good thing we're taking our business elsewhere,
and you won't have to worry about our 73s. Right--
703C's. And yes, my jurisdiction's confined to Vistaville county, but--
Then write this down in "triclipate."
I've spent 14 hours doing paperwork, my wrists hurt,
my fucking ass is numb, and I've been daydreaming
about stabbing just about anyone in the eye with this pencil.
Then comes you, stuffed in your $12 suit,
asking an honest businesswoman who's buried in forms
for more useless goddamn forms.
Now, please, get the fuck out, and let me do my job.
I'm no stranger to coarse language and contempt.
And while there's no rule against it, it does make the process less pleasant.
Your 16-hour compliance window began with initial "nofitication..."
three minutes ago.
- Follow. - [file robot beeps]
- So, what else can I say? - [sad music playing]
I got married at 17. That was my first mistake.
Any man who says, "We'll keep the next baby," is a fucking liar.
My mother-- My mother's even worse, but we covered her.
[sighs]
Please get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
[machine] We were unable to save your message.
[machine beeps]
- For sales, press one. - [sighs]
- Mr. Billings? - Hey.
I saw the garage needed work.
Nothing a couple men with hammers can't handle.
Why you doing this?
Well, because you're stuck, kid.
And every time you see that, it's dragging you down more.
I get you can't come on the road with us, but you can't stay here with that either.
You got some tools in there?
I can check.
[sighs]
Um, my mom just has trouble getting rid of stuff. [sighs]
Mmm.
Here, you can check in there.
Had a case like this once.
Did you use it a lot as a kid?
Uh, no. Mostly just called the handyman.
Hmm. This will do.
I-- You can throw some paint on the new ones.
Okay.
Ah.
B-Plex. Please inform Jack I dropped that off.
Nice work, Herb. Tied for second.
- Hey, you wanna mark it up yourself? - [Herb sighs]
Who needs a check mark, right?
I know what I did, even if Jack doesn't, nor Joey.
Oh, don't beat yourself up.
Whatever's going on with Jack and that kid's got nothing to do with you.
Thank you, Shirley.
You know, sometimes I think that Betty thinks that if I'm not...
you know, number one,
then there's something wrong.
Well, maybe both of you need to relax a little.
Well, she doesn't really like us using the R-word, Shirley.
[laughs]
Hey, look, you're a good kid, and it's noble that you wanna stick by your mom,
but it's tough living your life for someone else.
- Well, that's just how she raised me. - Wh-- [sighs]
You know, family first.
Exactly, but aren't you a part of that family too?
[sighs] Sure.
Trust me, the world, it's big enough for you to love her
and do your own thing sometimes.
Looks good, nice, and even.
Thanks.
You know, I've only ever left here once.
- Ah. - No, it was game seven, Volts, Dynamos.
Hmm. [laughs]
So, it was 10 hours on local buses right there.
You got an adventurer's heart, and you're living like a granny.
[sighs]
How do you know people so good?
Knocking on their doors.
It's a hell of a classroom.
Of course, I wanna go with you guys.
I ju-- I just don't wanna wind up some nobody. I... [sighs]
My pops left, and that's what happened to him.
He left her and never looked back.
- You keep in touch with him ever? - I don't even wanna know his name.
- You sure? - I could care less if he was dead.
Well, then, I bet you'll turn out way better than he did.
[laughs]
And that's all your mom really wants, anyway.
I mean, now, I don't know her, but...
moms aren't always built for letting their boys go.
Yeah. Yeah, she-she'd probably want me to stay here in this house
with her for the rest of my life if she had her way.
You'd hate her if you never left.
That I know.
Plus, you'd be short a car and a career, and a bunch of new friends,
all of which could be yours for the price of "Thanks, Jack."
[inhales deeply]
Thanks, Jack.
[Myrtle] Turndown service.
- [sighs] You shitty little bastard. - Ma'am-- Uh, miss.
I believed you. I left my whole life for this!
[Herb] What are you doing here?
[yells, grunts]
- Those are actually my roommate's. - Well, fuck him too!
You promised me this would happen!
I don't have time to wait! My whole life is ruined!
Twelve years of marriage, just fucked!
Excuse me, Miss Tramp,
if you're looking for your cheap scarf, it's right over there.
I knew it.
[Herb groans, sighs]
[breathes heavily]
[laughs] All right.
[ValetBot] Good afternoon, guest. Can I help with your bags?
- [Jack] You're getting the hang of it. - [Joey] Sorta.
[Jack's mom] So, there you are.
Ma. Ma, hey. I wasn't expecting you.
Uh, this, uh, is, uh, the-- a new recruit of ours. A great guy.
Joey Shorter, my ma.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Billings.
God, you're handsome. Excuse me.
- Oh, oh. - Oh!
All right, no, no, let him breathe, Ma. Ma, first w-- it's his first week.
[chuckles]
[sighs] Oh. I've been telling Jack to recruit someone like you for years now.
- Aw. - Tell me, is he treating you right?
I know firsthand he can be cruel.
Checked out, two-faced, you name it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He's been great, really. He's been teaching me a lot.
We're all hitting the road tonight, actually.
Is that right?
On the road?
Lots of packing and planning to do here, Ma.
- But I'm glad you had a chance to meet. - I hope to see you again, Mrs. Billings.
I'm sure you will, Joey.
You're a very special boy. No matter what he says or does.
- Okay. [laughs] - [laughs] All right.
[Jack] Okay.
[exhales deeply]
[ValetBot] Good afternoon, valued guest.
Can I help you with transportation?
- I'm coming with, Shirl. - Oh, good for you.
And what's that?
Oh, it's a company car.
But, uh, Jack says I can drive it a while.
Oh.
What sadistic thing are you doing to that boy?
He's fine, Ma. Okay? Just get in the car.
You got to see him. Everything's gonna be fine.
You got him so pumped up full of hot air. He's half nuts already.
Abandoning his mother on her deathbed to "hit the road"
when you can't even cop to being his dad.
I'm gonna tell him soon. What do you think I am?
I know what you are, Jack.
You're the guy who's gonna rip him away from everything decent.
- Straight out of your father's playbook. - Dad didn't run out. He died.
And you think that's not his fault?
I know what it is to live with a lunatic, Jack.
So I'm gonna be looking out for that boy.
Well, I better warn him, 'cause every guy you look out for winds up suicidal.
- Oh, suck it up. - Bye, Ma.
Run away, Jack. Go on, run away.
[grunting]
[Eddie] Shirley.
Hey. Loaded up?
Oh, what's better than leaving this town and never coming back, am I right?
Mm-hmm.
You, uh, you did forget to, uh--
Well, you forgot to pack this, though.
[chuckles]
Let's just see. Oh, oh, ooh. Ooh.
What about your other issues?
Jesus. A jewel like that, and you're gonna waste time talking to me about issues?
[laughs]
Ay, ay, ay. It's beautiful, Ed.
[chuckles] Mmm. It's huge.
- Mmm. Knockout. - [Shirley laughs]
- What's wrong with your leg? - Nothing.
- Walk over here then. - No. I'm no trained seal.
I happen to like it over here.
What, you gonna stand over there all night?
- Get over here and kiss me. - [Eddie sighs]
[grunting]
You miserable fool.
Yeah, maybe, but ain't I lucky, though?
[moans]
Here.
- What? - Everyone else plays fast and loose.
- Why can't we? - What?
Just take care of what you have to, and pay it back soon.
Shirl, there is an air of miracle and salvation about all this. There is.
Mmm. Don't milk it.
Okay, no. [stammers]
Milk-- Milk-Milk... [stammers] ...keeps coming up over and over again.
- No, I'm telling you. - No, no, no. Enough with the juju talk.
- I-- - Gimme them lips.
- Hmm. Oh. - [both laugh]
So, you're maybe not gonna wanna hear this, but...
[Joey's mother breathing steadily]
Sure, he can stay here
and spend his life getting antsy, wondering what he's capable of,
or he could do what makes him feel like he's got a chance in the world.
And you don't wanna take that away from him.
So what if it screws him up a hundred different ways?
At least he'll come by it honest.
[Jack sighs]
He's incredible. You know that.
You did that.
[Joey's mother breathing steadily]
And, boy, he loves you.
He'd lay down his dreams just to stay by your side.
[sniffles] At least, till I got involved.
God, he knows things at his age I might never learn.
[sighs]
[clears throat]
So, fine.
I get it. We'll stay.
What's the big rush, right?
[NurseBot] Visiting hours are for family only.
I'm her husband.
[BarBot] How 'bout another round?
Jesus.
Whoever called this a porterhouse should be taken out and shot.
[sighs]
Well, ma'am...
quite often what the menu listed as USDA Prime
is only grade "stadnart--" standard.
That's criminal.
Technically, you're right.
Thank you.
You know, I was on the phone for four hours today,
and no one's listening. Not a soul. I might as well be a goddamn doormat.
Fetch F27EZ.
You're not a doormat, ma'am. You're a customer.
And customers have rights.
And it's my job to protect them.
["Dark Side of the Moon" playing]