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Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
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Britain enters lockdown.
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Now people
can only leave their homes
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for very limited reasons.
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The UK wakes up
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to the toughest restrictions
on daily life
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in living memory
to tackle coronavirus.
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This has
been the sort of scene
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imagined by
science fiction writers
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after an apocalyptic disaster.
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Don't you carry anything,
wee man, okay?
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Here, carry this.
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- Ugh.
- Not in the living room!
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I mean, my God.
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The only thing keeping us
together is our child.
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- Arthur.
- Little Artie.
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His name is Arthur.
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Yeah, and if it wasn't
for little Artie,
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we would have split up
years ago.
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The truth is, we just
can't stand each other.
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Don't like each other.
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So, this lockdown,
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being in the same house
together, me and him...
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The only thing
that makes living with her
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even remotely bearable
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is knowing that I get to leave
this house every day.
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I feel exactly the same.
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Oh, my God,
saying goodbye to you,
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it is without doubt
the best part of my day.
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Just being
in the same room as him...
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Coming back and having to
see her again, I mean, fuck...
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...it's like a sadness
and a soul-stink
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both mixed together.
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I hate your face.
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- My face?
- I hate your face.
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Oh, you hate my face?
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It's just your face.
I hate it.
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Oh. What, so you're saying
I'm unattractive then or...
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No, no, you're attrac...
I mean, she's very attractive.
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It's just your face,
I totally hate it.
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I actually think of him
as a cancer.
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I hate looking at it. It's
maybe your eyes or something.
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And... not skin or testicle,
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but one of
the really bad ones,
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you know,
like liver, pancreatic.
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Is it your cheeks?
I mean, I can't even
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- put my finger on it.
- It's colorectal...
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When I think about you,
I get exactly the same feeling
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as when I think about
my dead dad's cancer.
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- Exactly the same.
- It's your lips.
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- It's her lips.
- I've got great lips.
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Aye, no, you do,
you've got great lips.
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They're fantastic.
I just totally hate them.
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We should never
have got together
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- in the first place.
- Madness.
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I mean, we're just
so different, poles apart.
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But at the time, you think,
"Oh, opposites attract."
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You're caught up in all the...
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Do you know
what else attracts?
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...hormones
and pheromones and...
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Serial killers to victims.
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...intoxication
and the heart-racing sex.
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Oh, Jesus. Oh, God,
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just the thought of...
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...actually having sex
with you is...
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I know. I know.
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And politically as well,
we're totally different.
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Aye. I believe in hard work.
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Everyone believes
in hard work!
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Aye, whereas she, right,
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is a good old-fashioned,
unreconstructed socialist.
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That's my mother
you're describing.
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You're actually
talking about my mother.
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You've never
understood my politics.
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I'm actually quite moderate.
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I just happen to believe
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in not exploiting the workers
of this country.
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The workers.
Listen to this.
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What do you know
about the workers?
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I'm actually
from the workers, right?
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I was brought up
by the workers
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and the workers
aren't what you think.
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It's not all fish suppers
and roll-ups
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and sing songs
round the old Joanna.
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The workers
are fucking horrible.
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You just hate people.
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I just hate lazy.
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Meanwhile, those of us
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who were brought up
in the chattering classes.
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- Oh, my God, listen to this.
- The literati elite.
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My dad was a dentist!
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You pull yourself
up by the bootstraps, right?
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That's what I did.
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Got myself on top,
worked hard and I got out.
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Jesus Christ, dial it back.
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Yeah, you're from fucking
Kilmarnock, not Compton.
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We were poor!
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I got on top, I got out.
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At the time
I thought, you know,
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"Oh, that's cute,
he's a Tory."
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I am not a Tory.
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You've voted Conservative in
every election since we met.
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I voted for Tony Blair.
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Oh, fuck, can we just not talk
about politics, please?
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We're worried about my mum.
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We should've
just brought her here.
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Well, there's no point
in rehashing it, is there?
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I mean, we made a decision...
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I'm not "rehashing,"
all right?
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It's not what I'm doing.
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I know we made a decision,
I know that.
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It's just,
she's on her own, right?
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- And little Artie...
- Arthur.
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...he's only got
one grandparent
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and I'd love him to be able
to keep her. And besides,
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it's not like
there's that many people
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that, you know, get him.
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She's got carers that come in.
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They're awful.
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They are not awful,
they're overworked.
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They come in, right,
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for 45 minutes,
three times a day.
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They chuck on
some microwave pasta,
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change her colostomy bag
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and then they're
straight on to their phones.
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That was one,
that... that was one girl.
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And some of them are amazing,
you know.
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And they... they're paid shit,
by the way.
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They work from
7:00 in the morning
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until 10:00 at night.
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And they travel
from client to client.
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And if there's waiting
in between clients,
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they don't get paid for that,
you know.
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It works out less
than minimum wage.
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I'm not having a go at them,
all right?
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I know some of them
are amazing.
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But some of them
are not amazing,
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and they're not even family.
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And that is another thing,
they're traveling.
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Is that... Is that okay?
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I don't know.
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I mean, are they wearing masks
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when they're on the bus
or whatever?
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I've seen people out there,
people out there
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- are wearing masks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
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Well, they're advising
against wearing masks.
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What happens when
they're on public transport,
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do they become
a vehicle or a vector?
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And other countries
are wearing masks.
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Should we be wearing masks?
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- I don't know!
- That's what I'm saying!
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Nobody seems to know anything!
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Anything at all.
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Fuck's sake.
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We've been trying to get her
into a home, me and my sister.
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It's a beautiful place.
Beautiful.
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I mean, it's got all the gear.
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We're not trying
to get rid of her.
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You know,
line dancing in the morning,
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kidney dialysis
in the evening.
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And she knows
you're not trying
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to get rid of her, by the way.
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Well, when we went there last,
she said,
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"You bitches are trying
to get rid of me."
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She's a colorful character.
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We just want her looked after.
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Yeah. And both my parents
are dead so, you know...
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thank God.
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Look, I'm...
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I'm really sorry.
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Okay, we need to get on,
I totally know that.
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And God knows how long
this thing is gonna last.
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It's just, this whole thing,
it is so confusing.
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It's just, nobody seems
to know what is going on.
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The ship is steering itself
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and all the grown-ups
have been fucking beamed up.
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And the people out there,
unbelievable. Unbelievable.
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What about
the people out there?
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Well, go on.
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Don't worry about it,
you'll get all...
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- No, come on. Look...
- No, it's all right.
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If we're gonna get through
this, then we're gonna
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- have to, you know...
- What?
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- Well, talk.
- Us?
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Yeah. I think so. Don't you?
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You want me to talk?
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Well, I suppose so.
I mean, don't we have to?
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- All right.
- Like, a bit?
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Yeah, all right, all right.
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Well, look,
this was yesterday, right,
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just before they announced
the lockdown,
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and I'm down
at the Tesco local.
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You know,
the one on the corner?
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Yeah, the one on the corner...
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Yeah, I'm at the Tesco local,
the one in the corner,
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and I'm in there, right,
and it has been picked clean.
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I mean, locusts, right?
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And I'm in there
'cause I wanna get aubergines,
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- I'm gonna do this katsu...
- Katsu curry aubergine. Yeah.
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I'm gonna do
my katsu curry aubergine.
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I mean, it's the only
fucking thing Artie will eat
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And so, there's not a sign
of an aubergine, right,
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not a courgette,
not a tomato, not a carrot.
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And so I see this woman
that works there,
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I recognized her,
I've seen her before.
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She's, erm, like 50s
and quite short, and...
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and like I don't mean this to
be rude or anything like that,
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but she's quite recognizable
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'cause she's got
quite a big nose.
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- Yeah, I know her.
- You know the one?
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Yeah, she's lovely.
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She comes out from behind
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one of those plastic flappy
curtains that they've got,
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and when she does,
I can see in there
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and I can see a whole crate,
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whole stack of aubergines,
right, masses of them.
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So I'm like, "Brilliant."
I go up to her and I'm like,
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"Excuse me. Excuse me,
have you got any aubergines?"
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And she's like, "No."
And I'm like, "What?"
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She's like, "No, we're out,"
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just like that,
not even particularly polite.
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Which is unusual for her
because she is lovely.
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Anyway.
So I go back up and I'm like,
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"Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.
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"I happened to glance behind
the plastic flappy curtains
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"and I noticed
a whole crate of aubergines."
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And she's like, "Oh, fuck,
oh, no," like, flustered
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because suddenly
she thinks there's gonna be
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a "situation" or something
like that, right.
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And she goes, "I can't
give you those aubergines."
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And I'm like, "Why not?"
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And she goes,
"'Cause my manager says
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"we're not to put
those aubergines out yet."
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And I'm like, "Ah, right,
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"no, I get it, I get it,"
you know.
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00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:08,949
I say, "Listen,
here's the thing,
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00:09:08,983 --> 00:09:10,885
"my little boy,
he's a lovely little boy,
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00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:13,120
"but he's a bit weird
about things.
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00:09:13,154 --> 00:09:15,322
"And right now, aubergines
are the only thing he'll eat.
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00:09:15,356 --> 00:09:17,691
"So I'm not asking you
to go in there
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00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,793
"and put
all the aubergines out,
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00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,828
"I'm just asking you to go
in there and get me three
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"so that I can do katsu curry
tonight." And she goes...
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like, voice all
wobbling, she's like, "Sir...
245
00:09:28,102 --> 00:09:29,303
"I can't give you
those aubergines
246
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,539
"because we now believe
247
00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:33,774
"that one of our drivers has
fallen prey to the coronavirus
248
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:34,775
"and we're trying
to figure out
249
00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:37,044
"if he's the one that touched
that produce."
250
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,714
And she thinks
that's the end of it, right.
251
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,183
But I'm like,
"I'll give you a tenner."
252
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,651
And she goes, "No."
253
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,152
So I goes,
"I'll give you 20 quid."
254
00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:46,320
And she's like,
"Sir, I can't."
255
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,955
I'm like, "50 quid
for three aubergines."
256
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,190
She's like,
"Please, sir, don't."
257
00:09:49,223 --> 00:09:51,158
"£200, right here, right now."
258
00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:53,627
She's like, "Really, sir,
I can't." "A grand."
259
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,362
"What?"
260
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,100
"I'll give you a grand,
£1,000,
261
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,168
"right here, right now.
I'm good for it.
262
00:10:01,202 --> 00:10:02,069
"I've got my own business
263
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:03,204
"and I've done
really well for myself.
264
00:10:03,237 --> 00:10:05,039
"I'll head to the cashpoint,
use three credit cards.
265
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,107
"I'll come back here,
266
00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:08,309
"I'll put a grand in your hand
if you go in there
267
00:10:08,342 --> 00:10:10,945
"and you get me
three aubergines."
268
00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:13,280
And she's thinking, right,
269
00:10:13,314 --> 00:10:15,182
'cause, I mean,
she needs this.
270
00:10:15,216 --> 00:10:17,318
What is she on? Minimum wage,
a little bit above?
271
00:10:17,351 --> 00:10:18,919
She needs this.
She's living hand to mouth,
272
00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,222
so she's thinking, right.
273
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,758
She goes like this...
274
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,394
all around her to see
if anybody's listening.
275
00:10:27,428 --> 00:10:29,029
Then she goes, "Sir..."
276
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,865
voice all wobbling,
God love her...
277
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,968
"I would love £1,000,
I really would.
278
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,102
"It would make
such a difference
279
00:10:35,136 --> 00:10:37,371
"to me and my family, but...
280
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,840
"I can't,
in all good conscience,
281
00:10:39,874 --> 00:10:40,975
"give you those aubergines
282
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:44,879
"because if you, or your son,
or anybody else died,
283
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,947
"then what kind of person
would I be?"
284
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,153
And I look at her,
standing there,
285
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,388
and I say,
286
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,024
"You big-nosed prick.
287
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,426
"You fucking loser.
288
00:10:59,460 --> 00:11:02,696
"Do you not understand, you
fucking big-nosed prick loser?
289
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,166
"This is the reason why you're
stuck in this shitty job
290
00:11:05,199 --> 00:11:08,135
"and I've got an E-Class Benz
waiting for me outside!"
291
00:11:08,169 --> 00:11:09,303
And I just dropped my shopping
292
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,205
all over the floor
and I walked out.
293
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:12,907
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
294
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,809
- Oh, God.
- What?
295
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,345
Oh, God. Oh, God!
296
00:11:18,379 --> 00:11:19,880
It's the only fucking thing
he'll eat right now!
297
00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,115
You are awful.
298
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,183
I wanted to do
the katsu curry...
299
00:11:22,216 --> 00:11:23,350
You are the worst human alive!
300
00:11:23,384 --> 00:11:24,285
You said talk.
301
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:25,319
It's the only thing
he'll eat right now!
302
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,821
- What kind of awful person...
- You said talk!
303
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,023
Yeah, I didn't know
what was gonna come out
304
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:29,890
- of your fucking mouth!
- Thank you.
305
00:11:29,924 --> 00:11:32,226
I feel awful now.
Thank you very much!
306
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,894
- You feel awful now?
- Aye, I do.
307
00:11:33,928 --> 00:11:34,762
Do you know
what blows my mind?
308
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,131
Do you know
what actually wakes me up
309
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:39,033
in the middle of the night,
in a cold sweat,
310
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,268
is the fact that
I used to love him.
311
00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,103
I did. I really did.
312
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:44,138
I mean, how is that
even possible?
313
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,006
Believe me, our former
feelings for each other
314
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,008
are as inexplicable to me
as they are to you.
315
00:11:48,042 --> 00:11:50,477
But she's right,
we were in love.
316
00:11:50,512 --> 00:11:52,446
I thought she was incredible.
317
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,848
- I thought he was charming.
- Now I think you're repugnant.
318
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,051
Now I think you've got
the same level of charm
319
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,053
as diarrhea in a pint glass.
320
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,120
Right.
321
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,488
Lockdown is gonna
be hard then.
322
00:12:01,523 --> 00:12:03,724
It's gonna be really,
really hard.
323
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:05,292
Really hard.
324
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:22,544
Breaking news coming in to us
325
00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:24,778
within the past few seconds.
326
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:28,115
The Prime Minister has been
admitted into intensive care
327
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,218
with those persistent symptoms
of coronavirus.
328
00:12:31,252 --> 00:12:32,820
Now as cities
329
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,522
in lockdown
fall almost silent,
330
00:12:34,556 --> 00:12:37,391
the largest,
brightest super moon of 2020
331
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,993
has risen in the night sky.
332
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:40,127
The spread of this virus
333
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,997
is not accelerating
and that is good news.
334
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,865
Don't give me any more.
335
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,867
Oh, you've given me some.
336
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,903
You're a rotter.
337
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,539
- Mushrooms?
- Huh? Oh!
338
00:12:51,573 --> 00:12:54,408
Oh, Christ, yes. Tell them
about the mushrooms. Go on.
339
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,410
Basically, mushrooms
are to blame for everything.
340
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,045
She tells it better than I do.
341
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,547
Everything is the fault
of the mushrooms!
342
00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:01,315
If it wasn't for
the mushrooms, right,
343
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:02,483
we wouldn't still be together.
344
00:13:02,517 --> 00:13:04,451
You tell it so much better
than I do. Go on, tell them.
345
00:13:04,485 --> 00:13:06,020
So, this is year three.
346
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,289
We've had the warm,
cuddly first year.
347
00:13:08,322 --> 00:13:10,157
Bliss, love, harmony.
348
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,293
And made it through the
slightly spiky second year.
349
00:13:12,326 --> 00:13:15,095
That gentle descent
into snarkiness and bickering.
350
00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:16,463
And now we're
well into year three.
351
00:13:16,497 --> 00:13:18,899
The terrifying plunge
into the icy, Arctic tundra.
352
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:19,900
Am I actually telling it?
353
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,969
And by this point, right,
we hate each other.
354
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,138
And we don't wanna admit it,
but we both know,
355
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,440
and we're both independently
356
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,375
making plans
to get the hell out of dodge.
357
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:31,979
I vividly remember
being at dinner with him
358
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,581
and watching him eat
and just thinking
359
00:13:33,615 --> 00:13:35,916
it's the worst thing
I've ever experienced.
360
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,852
What? I'm not a...
I'm not a bad eater.
361
00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,622
No, it's not that
you're a bad eater,
362
00:13:40,655 --> 00:13:43,023
it's just, like,
the fact of you eating.
363
00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:45,092
Like, watching you eat
364
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,162
makes all the various
different processes involved
365
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,997
more apparent.
366
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:53,601
You know, like, mastication
and rending of flesh,
367
00:13:53,635 --> 00:13:55,637
grinding of matter,
368
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:59,106
just mixing with saliva
and sucking it down
369
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:03,077
into your big old meat-bowl
of acid, to break it down
370
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:07,081
until it's no more than
a brown sausage of turd
371
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,183
to be squeezed out
via your anus.
372
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,485
Wow, you get all that
from eating?
373
00:14:11,519 --> 00:14:13,354
Er, no, just you eating.
374
00:14:13,387 --> 00:14:16,390
So, safe to say we're not...
we're not gonna carry on.
375
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,526
And we had
this massive blow-up
376
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,594
just before my birthday.
377
00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:21,596
Like, massive. Final straw.
378
00:14:21,629 --> 00:14:24,898
But I'd stupidly booked
a surprise birthday weekend.
379
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,367
Mushroom picking,
of all things,
380
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,468
in the New Forest.
381
00:14:27,502 --> 00:14:28,570
The New fucking Forest.
382
00:14:28,603 --> 00:14:31,372
And it was a non-refundable
deposit, so, you know...
383
00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:33,974
So they take you out
to the New fucking Forest
384
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,276
at some godawful time
of the morning
385
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:38,078
and they force you
to pick mushrooms.
386
00:14:38,112 --> 00:14:39,947
They show you
which ones are good,
387
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,549
how they should be picked,
how they should be cooked.
388
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:42,950
It was really interesting
actually.
389
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,552
It was so boring.
390
00:14:44,586 --> 00:14:46,286
Come on, had we been
in a living relationship,
391
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,155
we could've actually
made some friends.
392
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,090
The people were awful.
393
00:14:50,124 --> 00:14:52,292
I thought one or two of them
were okay.
394
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:56,096
What about your man
who was like...
395
00:14:56,130 --> 00:14:57,599
Oh, yeah.
He should've been executed.
396
00:14:57,632 --> 00:15:00,033
So, they teach you
how to pick mushrooms
397
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,036
and they also teach you
which mushrooms not to pick.
398
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,339
And there's this one
particular mushroom
399
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,240
and the guy's like,
400
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,042
"If you eat that,
it's not gonna kill you,
401
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:10,944
"but it will be really bad.
402
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:14,516
"If you eat that mushroom,
there will be stomach cramps,
403
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:16,283
"there will be
projectile vomiting,
404
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,386
"there will be
extraordinary diarrhea
405
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,188
"and you'll piss yourself."
406
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,157
And we were both thinking
the same thing,
407
00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:26,293
"I would love to shove that
into the other one's fricassee
408
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,262
- "and watch them squirm."
- Wild, right?
409
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:31,131
Like, I would love
to pick that mushroom
410
00:15:31,165 --> 00:15:34,502
and watch that stupid bastard
lying on the floor,
411
00:15:34,536 --> 00:15:37,938
shitting his pants, thinking
he's gonna die.
412
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,576
I mean, not really, you know.
413
00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:42,710
You don't really
want that to happen.
414
00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:45,145
You're just enjoying the fact
that it could happen.
415
00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:48,081
Yeah. And then...
416
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,519
- It did happen.
- Yeah.
417
00:15:51,553 --> 00:15:54,054
- I got poisoned.
- He did. He did get poisoned.
418
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,390
Oh, my God. One of us picked
the wrong mushrooms.
419
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,425
I mean, they look
stupidly like the good ones.
420
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,662
They ended up in this
fricassee, which I alone ate.
421
00:16:00,695 --> 00:16:02,429
Yeah, because
you went on ahead.
422
00:16:02,463 --> 00:16:03,997
Because you were
too busy dawdling
423
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,399
buying New
fucking Forest fudge.
424
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,334
Yeah, for your weird friend,
Nathan,
425
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,136
who specifically
asked you to buy it
426
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:11,673
and yet you get angry at me
for trying to
427
00:16:11,706 --> 00:16:13,508
and then you just, like,
sulk on ahead
428
00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:15,677
and cook them up yourself
to make a point.
429
00:16:15,710 --> 00:16:16,711
Aye. Look...
430
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,413
I thought I was gonna die,
okay?
431
00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:21,281
Yeah. He did.
He really thought that.
432
00:16:21,315 --> 00:16:22,449
The pain was extraordinary.
433
00:16:22,483 --> 00:16:23,618
He did think he was gonna die.
434
00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:25,052
That feeling that
something in your body
435
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,153
that wants you dead...
436
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,254
He was fine, though.
437
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,188
I was at death's door!
438
00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,558
You were...
Yeah, you were at the door.
439
00:16:30,592 --> 00:16:31,526
You weren't on the premises.
440
00:16:31,559 --> 00:16:33,661
The guy specifically said
they're not fatal.
441
00:16:33,695 --> 00:16:37,397
It took the ambulance 1 hour
and 30 minutes to get there.
442
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:40,033
No, it did.
It did take that long.
443
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,468
- That was a bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.
444
00:16:42,504 --> 00:16:44,137
I held his hand
the whole time.
445
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:46,674
Yeah, you did.
She held my hand.
446
00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:47,642
See, thing is,
447
00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:49,544
that when you go through
something like that,
448
00:16:49,577 --> 00:16:51,546
you feel
this terrifying panic, right,
449
00:16:51,579 --> 00:16:54,381
this absolute certainty that
you're going to die today.
450
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,449
Just to reiterate...
451
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,584
And that the person
you're with
452
00:16:56,618 --> 00:17:00,822
is the last person you're ever
gonna see, it bonds you.
453
00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:02,322
Yeah, I mean,
when you go through
454
00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:04,057
something like that,
it does bond you.
455
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,227
So we decided to try again.
456
00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,596
Which was the biggest
fucking mistake
457
00:17:08,630 --> 00:17:10,665
in the history of mistakes!
458
00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:12,834
Because in that brief respite,
right,
459
00:17:12,867 --> 00:17:16,671
on the sunny uplands
of stupidity,
460
00:17:16,704 --> 00:17:20,575
we decided that what we really
needed was a child, huh?
461
00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:23,578
Never make decisions
after a near-death experience.
462
00:17:23,611 --> 00:17:26,079
Or even a death-adjacent
experience.
463
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,716
That fetus, right,
was no bigger
464
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,519
than a fucking bullet to the
head before we remembered
465
00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,621
that we could not stand
the sight of each other.
466
00:17:33,655 --> 00:17:36,691
And the rest, as they say,
is shit-story.
467
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:38,392
And that's the mushroom story.
468
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:39,661
Artie, here.
469
00:17:41,863 --> 00:17:43,631
It's not been that bad,
though, lockdown.
470
00:17:43,665 --> 00:17:44,699
No!
471
00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:46,133
We're two weeks done
472
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,502
and, you know,
we're getting through it.
473
00:17:47,535 --> 00:17:48,603
Yeah, we are.
474
00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:49,837
Don't get me wrong.
It's not been pleasant though.
475
00:17:49,871 --> 00:17:51,104
God, no.
476
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,574
We still have
to see each other,
477
00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:54,809
pass each other
on the stairs, ugh...
478
00:17:54,842 --> 00:17:57,645
Just with everyone being so
happy-clappy fucking cheerful.
479
00:17:57,679 --> 00:17:59,479
Oh, which is inappropriate,
by the way.
480
00:17:59,514 --> 00:18:02,249
Have you seen WhatsApp?
It's intolerable.
481
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:05,720
Twitter, Instagram.
You can't even, you know...
482
00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:08,556
"We're all in this together,
guys." "We'll get through it."
483
00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:11,124
Oh, my God. "I'm learning
how to play the banjo."
484
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,126
"Look at me,
I made a macrame scarf
485
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,296
"out of fucking pasta twirls."
Just pack it in.
486
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:17,665
So there's been a lot going on
487
00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:20,535
and it's helped us
not to have to,
488
00:18:20,568 --> 00:18:23,671
you know, focus on,
or talk to,
489
00:18:23,705 --> 00:18:24,806
or even notice each other.
490
00:18:24,839 --> 00:18:26,473
Yeah, I mean, we could pretend
that the other one...
491
00:18:26,507 --> 00:18:28,241
- Didn't exist.
- ...was in a coma or...
492
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,878
Look, my business
for one thing, right,
493
00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:33,280
it's taking
a lot of sorting out.
494
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,315
- Tell them what you do.
- Don't start.
495
00:18:35,349 --> 00:18:37,552
- No, no. Go on.
- Don't start with that.
496
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:38,753
No one understands
what he does.
497
00:18:38,786 --> 00:18:39,821
Yes, they do.
498
00:18:39,854 --> 00:18:41,823
I don't understand
what you do.
499
00:18:41,856 --> 00:18:43,223
That is absolutely not true.
500
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,458
People do understand
what I do.
501
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,360
- Go on. Tell them.
- Okay.
502
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,395
I've got
a boutique consultancy.
503
00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,263
We specialize
in data analytics
504
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,165
and finding technological
multimedia solutions...
505
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,266
I mean, what?
506
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,537
...for linear online broadcast
marketing providers,
507
00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,539
who specialize
in cost-efficiency savings.
508
00:18:58,573 --> 00:18:59,507
What's complicated about that?
509
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,209
Mm-hmm. When we were
first going out together
510
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:05,345
and people would ask him what
he did and he'd say all that,
511
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:07,180
I would just
lean forward and go,
512
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,550
"He means computers."
513
00:19:10,885 --> 00:19:13,453
Which was really funny,
a million years ago.
514
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:15,823
But there's been
a lot of wrapping-up.
515
00:19:15,857 --> 00:19:17,391
So thank God for Rishi.
516
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:18,860
- Comrade Rishi.
- Eh?
517
00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:20,494
I'm just saying,
the state stepped in.
518
00:19:20,528 --> 00:19:23,230
- Oh, it's a pandemic.
- Borrowing to invest in jobs.
519
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,265
- It's a pandemic.
- I mean...
520
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,435
I mean, isn't this
exactly the manifesto
521
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,338
that Jeremy Corbyn
fought the last election on?
522
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,975
Yes, it is. Yes, you were
fighting the last election
523
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:35,442
in order
to introduce measures,
524
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,844
which have been
absolutely perfect
525
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:38,445
for shutting the economy down.
526
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,481
It wasn't a pandemic in 2008
when the banks...
527
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:44,652
Don't. I never agreed
with 2008. Fuck 2008.
528
00:19:44,686 --> 00:19:46,954
There is no such thing
as too big to fail.
529
00:19:46,988 --> 00:19:50,725
That would be socialism.
Nah, let the weak perish.
530
00:19:50,758 --> 00:19:52,694
Yeah, don't mind handout now,
though, do you?
531
00:19:52,727 --> 00:19:55,328
They're loans! They're loans,
woman! They're loans!
532
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,431
Look, my company's not weak,
okay? Never been weak.
533
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,767
Yeah, no,
just incomprehensible.
534
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:02,235
Anyway, there was
so much to sort out.
535
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,203
There was all the loans,
536
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,506
there was the refund
in statutory sick pay,
537
00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:07,875
the VAT deferral,
then furlough.
538
00:20:07,909 --> 00:20:09,777
I mean, that was actually
really important to me
539
00:20:09,811 --> 00:20:11,344
because I've got 12 employees.
540
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,880
- Yeah, who you sacked.
- Who I did not sack.
541
00:20:12,914 --> 00:20:14,882
You already sent out
the emails firing them.
542
00:20:14,916 --> 00:20:17,685
Which I immediately rescinded
when the furlough came in.
543
00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:20,253
Yeah, when the government
was paying their wages.
544
00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,723
They're really good people.
I took them all back.
545
00:20:21,756 --> 00:20:23,490
Yeah, at 80% of their salary.
546
00:20:23,524 --> 00:20:25,026
Which is what the furlough is.
547
00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,962
- You can top it up, though.
- If you're a mug!
548
00:20:30,765 --> 00:20:34,769
Look, meanwhile...
she's still getting to work.
549
00:20:34,802 --> 00:20:38,438
Yeah. I work
for a charity called PFN.
550
00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:42,275
We're like the Taliban version
of Medecins Sans Frontieres.
551
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,343
Oh, aye,
552
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,445
- saving the world, this one.
- Mm.
553
00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:46,881
I work with refugees.
554
00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:47,949
It's good what she does,
actually.
555
00:20:47,982 --> 00:20:49,117
I am actually proud of that.
556
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:52,553
- I'm a bit proud of that.
- I'm just a coordinator, so...
557
00:20:52,587 --> 00:20:54,756
Aye, for Europe.
For the whole of Europe.
558
00:20:54,789 --> 00:20:56,691
Working her fingers
to the bone, so she is.
559
00:20:56,724 --> 00:20:58,860
I mean, I don't agree with
most refugees on principle,
560
00:20:58,893 --> 00:21:00,695
but some of the ones
she helps... Phew.
561
00:21:00,728 --> 00:21:02,063
The ones I help
are no different.
562
00:21:02,096 --> 00:21:03,865
Some of the stories
of these ones...
563
00:21:03,898 --> 00:21:04,966
These ones are no different.
564
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:06,000
I mean, your heart
goes out to them.
565
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,802
It's heart-rending,
the stories of these ones.
566
00:21:07,835 --> 00:21:09,871
Which ones?
Which ones?
567
00:21:09,904 --> 00:21:12,507
Which ones are these ones?
These ones are no different!
568
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:14,441
You know, I'm not even
gonna get into it.
569
00:21:15,877 --> 00:21:17,344
There's been a lot going on.
570
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:19,547
And, you know,
with homeschooling,
571
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:21,616
which, in fairness, he has
taken the lion's share of
572
00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:22,583
and he's good at it.
573
00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:24,952
Aye, the Portuguese
colonization of Macau
574
00:21:24,986 --> 00:21:26,486
and the melting point of lead
575
00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:27,822
were just two little
memory nuggets
576
00:21:27,855 --> 00:21:29,489
I was particularly proud of.
577
00:21:29,524 --> 00:21:31,058
He has been good at it,
I'll give him that.
578
00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:33,326
It actually suits little Artie
better, as well.
579
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,996
I mean, he's not very good
with other kids.
580
00:21:35,029 --> 00:21:36,898
Yeah, but he's lovely.
581
00:21:36,931 --> 00:21:39,634
- Is he there?
- Aye, no, he's lovely.
582
00:21:39,667 --> 00:21:41,936
Yes, he is. He's a lovely
wee boy. He is indeed.
583
00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:44,572
He's a lovely,
lovely wee fella.
584
00:21:44,605 --> 00:21:46,406
Now, fair's fair,
you gave me a great son.
585
00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:48,408
I didn't give him to you,
you fuck!
586
00:21:48,441 --> 00:21:50,477
And then there's Mum.
Obviously I was worried.
587
00:21:50,511 --> 00:21:51,813
We both were.
588
00:21:51,846 --> 00:21:53,548
You know, whatever's going on
between her and I,
589
00:21:53,581 --> 00:21:55,348
- I like the old girl.
- Ha!
590
00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:56,250
She hates you.
591
00:21:56,284 --> 00:21:58,586
- She loves me.
- She hates your politics.
592
00:21:58,619 --> 00:21:59,520
She loves my politics.
593
00:21:59,554 --> 00:22:00,588
It gives her something
to argue against.
594
00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:03,090
My mum's a flat-out,
dyed-in-the-wool communist.
595
00:22:03,124 --> 00:22:05,793
Yeah, proper old-school,
CCCP-loving commie.
596
00:22:05,827 --> 00:22:07,494
Never got over the fall
of the Berlin Wall.
597
00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:08,629
See, back in the '70s, right,
598
00:22:08,663 --> 00:22:10,131
she had links
to the Angry Brigade.
599
00:22:10,164 --> 00:22:11,398
She didn't have links.
600
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,568
Remember the people who tried
to blow up the Telecom Tower?
601
00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:16,403
She's the reason the revolving
restaurant no longer revolves.
602
00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:19,540
She may have hid two people
603
00:22:19,574 --> 00:22:21,576
who may or may not
have been involved
604
00:22:21,609 --> 00:22:22,877
for a number of hours, yeah.
605
00:22:22,910 --> 00:22:25,079
See, I once caught her, right,
trying to read Das Kapital
606
00:22:25,112 --> 00:22:26,681
to little Artie in his crib.
607
00:22:26,714 --> 00:22:28,149
I mean, I love her.
608
00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:30,417
- She is fiercely independent.
- Mm.
609
00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:32,753
It took us ages to get her to
accept the carers coming in.
610
00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:34,021
She's just scared, ain't she?
611
00:22:34,055 --> 00:22:35,823
Her legs, they're not
what they once were.
612
00:22:35,857 --> 00:22:37,792
They get scared
when their legs start to go.
613
00:22:37,825 --> 00:22:39,160
Mind you,
it's all started to go now.
614
00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:40,728
I'm forcing her to Zoom
every day.
615
00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:43,463
Her kidneys and her eyes.
Her neck went this one time.
616
00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:44,565
I don't mean, like,
her throat.
617
00:22:44,599 --> 00:22:46,701
I mean, like, her neck muscles
holding up her head.
618
00:22:46,734 --> 00:22:47,768
She was like that.
619
00:22:47,802 --> 00:22:48,870
I'm like,
"You all right, darling?"
620
00:22:48,903 --> 00:22:50,504
She went...
621
00:22:50,538 --> 00:22:52,807
Giving her her lunch,
she's like...
622
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,876
I'm like, "Fuck me, man.
It's terrifying."
623
00:22:54,909 --> 00:22:57,044
Anyway, so the afternoon,
the carer comes in.
624
00:22:57,078 --> 00:22:59,180
- This is with Miriam, right?
- Maryama.
625
00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:00,982
Somali girl. I call her
Miriam. She loves it.
626
00:23:01,015 --> 00:23:03,017
- Uh, she really doesn't!
- Anyway, she's the good one.
627
00:23:03,050 --> 00:23:04,451
She's one of the good ones.
628
00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:05,653
Anyway, you're on Zoom
and you see her.
629
00:23:05,686 --> 00:23:08,689
Yeah, I see her. And she's
wearing this home-made visor,
630
00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:11,726
made out of plastic,
like, see-through...
631
00:23:11,759 --> 00:23:13,594
You know, like
a plastic pocket kind of thing
632
00:23:13,628 --> 00:23:14,729
held on with rubber bands.
633
00:23:14,762 --> 00:23:18,498
I mean, she's
fucking Miriam, the good one.
634
00:23:18,532 --> 00:23:21,068
Yeah, and I ask her about PPE
and she's like,
635
00:23:21,102 --> 00:23:23,004
they haven't given her
any extra at all.
636
00:23:23,037 --> 00:23:24,005
No, nothing.
637
00:23:24,038 --> 00:23:25,873
They're making their own gowns
out of bin bags.
638
00:23:25,907 --> 00:23:27,440
I mean,
what the fuck is going on?
639
00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:30,645
Yeah, so Maryama's not happy
about this at all.
640
00:23:30,678 --> 00:23:31,779
You know, 'cause she's scared.
641
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:33,814
She's scared for herself,
she's scared for her family,
642
00:23:33,848 --> 00:23:35,750
- she's scared for her clients.
- Tell them how many buses
643
00:23:35,783 --> 00:23:36,617
- she has to get.
- Three.
644
00:23:36,651 --> 00:23:38,786
- How many clients that day?
- Eight.
645
00:23:38,819 --> 00:23:39,921
What the fucking what?
646
00:23:39,954 --> 00:23:41,555
Yeah, so I go into a tailspin.
647
00:23:41,589 --> 00:23:43,925
I'm calling, like,
the council, the doctor.
648
00:23:43,958 --> 00:23:45,226
You know,
I'm calling helplines,
649
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:46,627
but can't get any answer
650
00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,062
'cause of everything
that's fucking going on.
651
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:49,997
So I'm just gonna go and
get her and bring her here.
652
00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:51,599
But then am I exposing her?
653
00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:53,067
Yeah, I mean,
does one of us go and stay?
654
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:54,635
- But who's looking after him?
- Yeah.
655
00:23:54,669 --> 00:23:57,071
So, I mean, we're just, like,
beside ourselves.
656
00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:59,807
And, you know, there's
this killer virus out there
657
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,711
and you're sitting pretty
while your mother, your mum...
658
00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,079
And I'm thinking,
"Is this it?" you know.
659
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:06,914
"Is my mum gonna die?"
660
00:24:06,948 --> 00:24:10,584
"Is my mother gonna die now?"
We're fucking terrified.
661
00:24:10,618 --> 00:24:12,586
But then her sister
just swoops in,
662
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:13,955
sorts it all out,
out of the blue.
663
00:24:13,988 --> 00:24:16,090
- She was amazing.
- Out of the blue.
664
00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:18,826
Yeah, which is... you know,
'cause she's not normally...
665
00:24:18,859 --> 00:24:19,894
I mean, normally
she's a bit...
666
00:24:19,927 --> 00:24:21,662
- Selfish?
- Not selfish.
667
00:24:21,696 --> 00:24:23,931
- Trying to be a comedian.
- Yeah. It's not a comedian.
668
00:24:23,965 --> 00:24:25,066
It's more performative
than that.
669
00:24:25,099 --> 00:24:27,802
Try telling a fucking joke.
That might raise a laugh.
670
00:24:27,835 --> 00:24:29,670
Look, fair's fair,
she saved the day.
671
00:24:29,704 --> 00:24:32,073
Yeah. She got her to go
to that home.
672
00:24:32,106 --> 00:24:33,107
That care home, you remember?
673
00:24:33,140 --> 00:24:35,543
Yeah. She persuaded her
to go to that care home.
674
00:24:35,576 --> 00:24:37,211
Lovely place.
I mean, absolutely amazing.
675
00:24:37,244 --> 00:24:38,879
God knows how she managed it,
but somehow...
676
00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:41,515
Yeah, she persuaded her to go
to the lovely, lovely home
677
00:24:41,549 --> 00:24:42,416
and they took her in.
678
00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:44,819
- What a relief.
- Yeah, it was amazing.
679
00:24:44,852 --> 00:24:46,253
I know. Overnight.
680
00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,622
No messing.
Right in, overnight.
681
00:24:48,656 --> 00:24:51,025
Yeah. I mean,
she'll be safe there, right?
682
00:24:51,058 --> 00:24:53,961
In there? Aye, aye.
She'll be safe in there.
683
00:25:36,370 --> 00:25:40,141
This evening,
I harvested asparagus.
684
00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:45,780
I've never done that before.
685
00:25:45,813 --> 00:25:47,982
Actually, I shouldn't
have done it now
686
00:25:48,015 --> 00:25:49,717
because I only planted them
a few months ago.
687
00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,153
And with asparagus, right,
688
00:25:52,186 --> 00:25:54,688
you're supposed to leave them
for three years
689
00:25:54,722 --> 00:25:57,992
to let the crown bed in,
otherwise it dies.
690
00:25:59,060 --> 00:26:01,929
Apparently
that's what Google says.
691
00:26:01,962 --> 00:26:04,632
But, er,
I just could not resist it.
692
00:26:04,665 --> 00:26:08,803
You know, I've grown it
with my own hands and soil.
693
00:26:10,104 --> 00:26:11,005
Look, I'm not saying
694
00:26:11,038 --> 00:26:14,375
I'm some green fingered
vegetable person.
695
00:26:14,408 --> 00:26:17,611
That is not what this is,
you know,
696
00:26:17,645 --> 00:26:19,713
it's just this year with
everything that's going on.
697
00:26:20,781 --> 00:26:22,850
I ordered them...
698
00:26:22,883 --> 00:26:24,819
back in early February.
699
00:26:25,886 --> 00:26:27,288
Dunno why.
700
00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:29,857
Just did, you know.
701
00:26:29,890 --> 00:26:31,158
This was just when
we were getting
702
00:26:31,192 --> 00:26:32,893
the first sniff of this thing
703
00:26:32,927 --> 00:26:35,629
happening off
in far-flung China,
704
00:26:35,663 --> 00:26:39,400
this little place
that nobody had ever heard of.
705
00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:40,968
And these health things,
706
00:26:41,001 --> 00:26:42,870
they do happen every now
and again, don't they?
707
00:26:42,903 --> 00:26:45,739
I mean, like bird flu,
Ebola, SARS.
708
00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,975
And, don't get me wrong,
709
00:26:48,008 --> 00:26:51,412
I am not saying that I knew
this was all gonna happen.
710
00:26:51,445 --> 00:26:54,381
I'm not saying that I was
thinking I had to be some
711
00:26:54,415 --> 00:26:57,785
"Grizzly Adams nuclear
fallout shelter" kind of guy.
712
00:26:57,818 --> 00:27:01,088
I'm just talking about
planting a few veggies.
713
00:27:01,122 --> 00:27:02,823
I actually think
about doing it every year,
714
00:27:02,857 --> 00:27:03,891
just never get round to it.
715
00:27:03,924 --> 00:27:06,994
I suppose it's like learning
the names of trees,
716
00:27:07,027 --> 00:27:09,063
or reading Charles Dickens.
717
00:27:09,096 --> 00:27:11,198
You know it's gonna make you
a better person.
718
00:27:11,232 --> 00:27:13,000
Just nobody fucking does it.
719
00:27:13,033 --> 00:27:15,669
But this year, with everything
that's happening...
720
00:27:18,939 --> 00:27:21,175
I actually find myself
doing it.
721
00:27:21,208 --> 00:27:23,878
And I'm planting vegetables,
you know.
722
00:27:23,911 --> 00:27:24,979
I've got everything in there.
723
00:27:25,012 --> 00:27:30,351
I've got carrots, courgettes,
tomatoes, cucumbers.
724
00:27:30,384 --> 00:27:31,852
I've got radishes,
725
00:27:31,886 --> 00:27:33,354
got this wee thing
that I got from Venezuela,
726
00:27:33,387 --> 00:27:34,922
I'm not quite sure what it is.
727
00:27:34,955 --> 00:27:38,159
And, er, asparagus, right.
728
00:27:38,192 --> 00:27:40,361
So, tonight...
729
00:27:43,797 --> 00:27:45,032
we get a call
730
00:27:45,065 --> 00:27:46,800
just probably after
they've announced
731
00:27:46,834 --> 00:27:48,769
the official end of lockdown
732
00:27:48,802 --> 00:27:50,337
from Jonathan, right.
733
00:27:50,371 --> 00:27:53,974
Jonathan's the ICU nurse,
over there at the hospital.
734
00:27:54,008 --> 00:27:58,312
Amazing guy, Jonathan,
like, he's lovely.
735
00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:01,882
I cannot speak highly enough
about Jonathan.
736
00:28:01,916 --> 00:28:06,120
And he's the main nurse,
over there in intensive care
737
00:28:06,153 --> 00:28:07,488
looking after the old girl,
738
00:28:07,522 --> 00:28:09,290
because Covid,
you know, it just...
739
00:28:10,758 --> 00:28:11,992
just swept through that place.
740
00:28:12,026 --> 00:28:15,763
It just rampaged
right through the care home.
741
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:19,433
Loads dead, loads in hospital.
742
00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:21,869
Like the old girl,
you know, taken in,
743
00:28:21,902 --> 00:28:25,940
intubated, on a ventilator,
stuck in a coma.
744
00:28:25,973 --> 00:28:28,475
And Jonathan, he's...
745
00:28:28,510 --> 00:28:31,212
he's on the phone
to us every day,
746
00:28:31,245 --> 00:28:33,480
telling us everything.
Everything.
747
00:28:33,515 --> 00:28:35,849
Temperature, heart rate,
748
00:28:35,883 --> 00:28:38,185
fucking which consultant
is seeing her,
749
00:28:38,219 --> 00:28:39,887
when they're flipping her
on to her front
750
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:42,122
so that she can get
her breathing going.
751
00:28:42,156 --> 00:28:43,757
And, when he's got
a minute, right,
752
00:28:43,791 --> 00:28:46,860
which isn't very often,
I can tell you that,
753
00:28:46,894 --> 00:28:48,896
he talks to her,
754
00:28:48,929 --> 00:28:51,298
or he'll stick the phone up
to her ear so that we can.
755
00:28:51,332 --> 00:28:54,134
He's fucking just
an amazing guy, Jonathan.
756
00:28:54,168 --> 00:28:56,003
Lovely, you know.
757
00:28:56,036 --> 00:28:57,805
I just cannot fault him.
Cannot fault Jonathan.
758
00:28:57,838 --> 00:29:00,975
Anyway, when we get the call
from him tonight,
759
00:29:01,576 --> 00:29:03,310
it's the one
760
00:29:03,344 --> 00:29:05,946
that we've been dreading,
right.
761
00:29:05,980 --> 00:29:07,414
"One of you...
762
00:29:10,552 --> 00:29:13,487
"can come in for 15 minutes
to say goodbye."
763
00:29:16,824 --> 00:29:18,225
She's the one
that takes the call.
764
00:29:18,259 --> 00:29:20,294
This is about 6:30.
765
00:29:20,327 --> 00:29:22,263
And I'm watching her
and she's on the phone,
766
00:29:22,296 --> 00:29:25,299
"Mm, mm," she's nodding away.
767
00:29:25,332 --> 00:29:28,435
Jonathan's on the other end,
being smashing.
768
00:29:28,469 --> 00:29:32,039
And she hangs up
and she tells me,
769
00:29:32,072 --> 00:29:33,274
just real matter of fact,
770
00:29:33,941 --> 00:29:35,442
"It's happening."
771
00:29:35,476 --> 00:29:37,512
Jonathan says
one of you can come in
772
00:29:37,545 --> 00:29:40,881
for 15 minutes to say goodbye
773
00:29:40,914 --> 00:29:43,784
and that
we're lucky because...
774
00:29:45,152 --> 00:29:47,921
most other places aren't
even letting you do that.
775
00:29:49,423 --> 00:29:51,925
She's gotta be there at 8:45.
776
00:29:53,994 --> 00:29:57,264
She just says it like that,
you know, just cold as ice.
777
00:29:58,098 --> 00:30:01,335
But inside I can see
778
00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:03,304
her heart's just, like...
779
00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,205
gone...
780
00:30:06,574 --> 00:30:08,375
you know, like that.
781
00:30:14,315 --> 00:30:15,583
Like that.
782
00:30:23,023 --> 00:30:24,858
So, at 8:45, right,
I'm thinking,
783
00:30:24,892 --> 00:30:26,994
phew, "That's a bit of time...
784
00:30:27,027 --> 00:30:29,463
"I'm gonna harvest
that asparagus."
785
00:30:29,496 --> 00:30:32,299
So I did.
I clipped it and steamed it,
786
00:30:32,333 --> 00:30:35,102
bit of salt and pepper,
made fresh hollandaise.
787
00:30:35,135 --> 00:30:37,271
It's not easy to do that but
it's really tasty when you do.
788
00:30:37,304 --> 00:30:40,542
And we sat down together
789
00:30:41,975 --> 00:30:44,244
and we ate the asparagus.
790
00:30:44,278 --> 00:30:46,146
And she said it was lovely.
791
00:30:47,014 --> 00:30:48,482
I think it helped...
792
00:30:49,584 --> 00:30:51,385
take her mind off...
793
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:55,022
Anyway,
here's the thing, right,
794
00:30:55,055 --> 00:30:57,057
the thing that's been going
over and over in my mind
795
00:30:57,091 --> 00:30:58,959
as I'm sitting here waiting...
796
00:31:04,599 --> 00:31:07,034
if there was
enough of an inkling,
797
00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,103
back in early February,
798
00:31:09,136 --> 00:31:13,273
for me to get myself online
and order asparagus crowns,
799
00:31:13,307 --> 00:31:15,075
and, I mean,
who the fuck am I?
800
00:31:15,109 --> 00:31:17,945
But if there was
enough of a sniff
801
00:31:17,978 --> 00:31:20,582
at this thing happening
back then,
802
00:31:20,615 --> 00:31:23,350
then how come the people
that run this country...
803
00:31:24,451 --> 00:31:25,520
Like, how come the people
804
00:31:25,553 --> 00:31:28,122
who actually
run this country...
805
00:31:29,490 --> 00:31:31,358
How is it possible
that the people
806
00:31:31,392 --> 00:31:33,528
who actually
run this country...
807
00:31:56,618 --> 00:31:57,951
What you doing?
808
00:31:57,985 --> 00:31:59,721
I'm just... I'm just putting
809
00:31:59,754 --> 00:32:01,388
her temperature
in the spreadsheet.
810
00:32:02,222 --> 00:32:04,425
Why? I mean, is that...
811
00:32:07,461 --> 00:32:09,329
Does that matter anymore?
812
00:32:12,567 --> 00:32:14,501
Er, no, I suppose not.
813
00:32:16,370 --> 00:32:18,272
What are you doing?
Don't. Don't.
814
00:32:18,305 --> 00:32:20,474
Well, I thought,
like, a hug, or...
815
00:32:20,508 --> 00:32:23,076
No, no,
'cause I have to self-isolate.
816
00:32:23,110 --> 00:32:25,379
- What, in here?
- Yeah.
817
00:32:25,412 --> 00:32:27,014
- Yeah, don't you think?
- Uh...
818
00:32:28,048 --> 00:32:29,316
I don't know.
819
00:32:35,456 --> 00:32:36,624
So how was it?
820
00:32:39,293 --> 00:32:40,394
Er...
821
00:32:43,330 --> 00:32:45,265
Well, she was unconscious.
822
00:32:48,168 --> 00:32:51,739
And the hospital was weird.
It was just really empty
823
00:32:51,773 --> 00:32:54,274
in the places that are
normally busy and...
824
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:56,210
But, you know, you could tell,
825
00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:58,078
behind the scenes,
everyone's just...
826
00:32:59,279 --> 00:33:00,414
um...
827
00:33:01,516 --> 00:33:04,786
- Jonathan was amazing.
- Yeah, Jonathan is amazing.
828
00:33:04,819 --> 00:33:06,386
Yeah.
829
00:33:06,420 --> 00:33:09,323
He just told me everything
that was gonna happen.
830
00:33:09,356 --> 00:33:11,358
And he said the consultant
had been in
831
00:33:11,391 --> 00:33:13,360
and she reckoned it was gonna
happen in the early hours.
832
00:33:15,730 --> 00:33:17,331
But he said, "Don't worry"
833
00:33:17,364 --> 00:33:19,634
because he was doing
an all-nighter
834
00:33:19,667 --> 00:33:21,736
and, you know, he'd make sure
835
00:33:21,769 --> 00:33:23,771
he was there
when the time came.
836
00:33:23,805 --> 00:33:27,274
He said that's what the nurses
try and do, they...
837
00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:30,043
they just try and make sure
that people don't die alone.
838
00:33:32,346 --> 00:33:33,347
Yeah.
839
00:33:34,414 --> 00:33:35,415
Erm...
840
00:33:37,184 --> 00:33:38,151
And then he showed me
841
00:33:38,185 --> 00:33:40,287
how to put on
all the protective gear and...
842
00:33:42,790 --> 00:33:45,560
And for it to still be
comfortable, you know.
843
00:33:45,593 --> 00:33:48,228
And, er, then he took me in.
844
00:33:49,463 --> 00:33:51,666
And I had 15 minutes.
845
00:33:58,238 --> 00:34:00,608
I spent the first 10
846
00:34:00,642 --> 00:34:01,809
just talking
about the traffic.
847
00:34:02,476 --> 00:34:03,578
Why?
848
00:34:03,611 --> 00:34:05,613
Because the roads
were so clear.
849
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,388
Yeah. And then, er,
850
00:34:14,421 --> 00:34:17,324
after 10 minutes, he leaned in
and he said, you know,
851
00:34:17,357 --> 00:34:18,760
"Tell her you love her,
and..."
852
00:34:20,662 --> 00:34:23,798
And I did, I did,
I just, er...
853
00:34:25,365 --> 00:34:27,535
All this stuff just, er...
854
00:34:27,569 --> 00:34:29,369
just poured out of me,
all this stuff.
855
00:34:31,171 --> 00:34:32,439
What stuff?
856
00:34:33,808 --> 00:34:35,810
Just that I loved her,
you know,
857
00:34:37,210 --> 00:34:39,212
and that
I was proud of her and...
858
00:34:42,249 --> 00:34:43,585
that I was really grateful
859
00:34:43,618 --> 00:34:45,553
for the person she was
860
00:34:45,587 --> 00:34:48,756
and everything she'd done
for me. And I was...
861
00:34:48,790 --> 00:34:51,224
I was just so, so sorry that
I'd never said any of that
862
00:34:51,258 --> 00:34:53,193
when she could hear me,
you know.
863
00:34:54,862 --> 00:34:56,864
And that I loved her
so much that...
864
00:34:58,498 --> 00:35:00,868
my life was already hurting
without her in it
865
00:35:00,902 --> 00:35:03,437
and I was worried that
the hurt would never go away.
866
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,709
No, no, no.
867
00:35:07,742 --> 00:35:09,611
Do you not think, like...
868
00:35:14,916 --> 00:35:16,116
Right.
869
00:35:17,685 --> 00:35:18,653
And then I told her
870
00:35:18,686 --> 00:35:21,355
that, er, Jonathan had told me
not to worry.
871
00:35:24,726 --> 00:35:27,629
I told her that
I'd spoken to him
872
00:35:27,662 --> 00:35:31,666
and he promised me that when
the time came, he'd be there.
873
00:35:31,699 --> 00:35:33,367
I told her that, erm,
874
00:35:34,401 --> 00:35:36,203
he promised me
he'd hold her hand...
875
00:35:37,739 --> 00:35:39,373
when she went.
That's what I told her.
876
00:35:46,313 --> 00:35:49,684
I feel like I do wanna
put her temperature in this...
877
00:35:49,717 --> 00:35:51,619
Go for it. Yeah.
878
00:35:52,553 --> 00:35:53,554
Just...
879
00:35:53,588 --> 00:35:56,490
But, erm, there isn't really
a point, is there?
880
00:35:57,324 --> 00:35:58,325
No.
881
00:36:01,929 --> 00:36:03,965
Look, there was never a point,
882
00:36:03,998 --> 00:36:05,365
so if it makes you
feel better...
883
00:36:06,433 --> 00:36:08,235
Well, if there's no point,
it's just...
884
00:36:16,443 --> 00:36:18,513
You said
amazing things to her.
885
00:36:19,479 --> 00:36:21,214
- Did I?
- Aye.
886
00:36:24,952 --> 00:36:27,522
- Because I don't think I did.
- You totally did.
887
00:36:28,488 --> 00:36:29,489
Okay.
888
00:36:29,924 --> 00:36:30,925
Good.
889
00:36:33,928 --> 00:36:35,897
Because then, um,
I was driving home
890
00:36:35,930 --> 00:36:38,533
and Jonathan called and
he said it was happening now.
891
00:36:38,566 --> 00:36:40,001
No... Wait. No.
892
00:36:40,034 --> 00:36:41,736
- Yeah.
- No.
893
00:36:41,769 --> 00:36:43,004
But I thought it was
the early hours?
894
00:36:43,037 --> 00:36:45,573
Yeah, but she'd taken
a turn for the worse,
895
00:36:45,606 --> 00:36:46,774
so it was happening
right then.
896
00:36:46,808 --> 00:36:48,710
- Jesus.
- I know.
897
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:55,315
And she was alone.
898
00:36:55,348 --> 00:36:56,918
Yeah. Well, no,
she had Jonathan, right?
899
00:36:56,951 --> 00:36:59,721
- She didn't.
- I thought he was gonna...
900
00:36:59,754 --> 00:37:02,690
She didn't have Jonathan.
901
00:37:02,724 --> 00:37:06,761
Because he had another patient
who was dying at the same time
902
00:37:06,794 --> 00:37:08,996
and that person
had no one, so...
903
00:37:10,932 --> 00:37:14,869
He said at least my mum had me
to FaceTime with her.
904
00:37:14,902 --> 00:37:17,270
Oh, my God.
905
00:37:17,304 --> 00:37:19,640
And I really begged him not...
906
00:37:19,674 --> 00:37:21,008
Really begged him
not to leave.
907
00:37:21,042 --> 00:37:24,545
I said, "Please don't let
my mum die on her own."
908
00:37:24,579 --> 00:37:25,913
And he said, "Sorry."
909
00:37:27,314 --> 00:37:29,316
And I said...
910
00:37:30,350 --> 00:37:31,318
I said, "Please."
911
00:37:31,351 --> 00:37:34,354
And he said he's sorry
that he had to choose.
912
00:37:36,758 --> 00:37:39,459
And he did.
He did have to choose.
913
00:37:40,795 --> 00:37:42,830
He did.
914
00:37:42,864 --> 00:37:47,602
So he just, he put his phone
on the arm of the bed.
915
00:37:51,072 --> 00:37:54,374
And I sat in a lay-by
on the ring road
916
00:37:55,375 --> 00:37:56,911
FaceTiming in.
917
00:37:58,780 --> 00:38:03,316
I just sat there
and I watched my mum die,
918
00:38:03,350 --> 00:38:06,319
listening to Jonathan on
the other side of the curtain
919
00:38:07,420 --> 00:38:09,690
telling a man
he didn't even know
920
00:38:09,724 --> 00:38:12,894
that he was there
and he wasn't gonna leave him.
921
00:38:17,497 --> 00:38:19,700
So, yeah, Mum died on her own.
922
00:39:38,713 --> 00:39:44,518
♪ In the bleak midwinter
923
00:39:44,552 --> 00:39:49,590
♪ Frosty wind made moan
924
00:39:50,658 --> 00:39:56,831
♪ Earth stood hard as iron
925
00:39:56,864 --> 00:40:02,103
♪ Water like a stone
926
00:40:02,136 --> 00:40:05,506
♪ Snow had fallen
927
00:40:05,539 --> 00:40:08,175
♪ Snow on snow
928
00:40:08,209 --> 00:40:14,615
♪ Snow on snow
929
00:40:14,649 --> 00:40:20,221
♪ In the bleak midwinter
930
00:40:20,254 --> 00:40:25,826
♪ Long ago
931
00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:32,533
♪ Our God,
Heaven cannot hold Him
932
00:40:32,566 --> 00:40:37,038
♪ Nor Earth sustain
933
00:40:38,506 --> 00:40:39,907
Okay. So...
934
00:40:39,941 --> 00:40:43,210
...we have been having sex.
935
00:40:43,244 --> 00:40:44,979
- Yeah, we have.
- Which is...
936
00:40:45,012 --> 00:40:47,515
Yeah. I mean,
it's as big a surprise
937
00:40:47,548 --> 00:40:48,849
to us as it is to you,
to be honest.
938
00:40:48,883 --> 00:40:50,184
I mean,
we did not see that coming.
939
00:40:50,217 --> 00:40:51,118
- Not at all.
- Not in a million.
940
00:40:51,152 --> 00:40:52,153
No, I never thought
I'd go there again.
941
00:40:52,186 --> 00:40:55,656
Jesus, last man on Earth?
Give me celibacy now.
942
00:40:55,690 --> 00:40:57,024
- Yeah, but...
- We have...
943
00:40:57,058 --> 00:40:59,927
Yeah, we have been
having sex, and...
944
00:40:59,961 --> 00:41:03,898
- Yeah, it's been quite...
- Yeah, it has been...
945
00:41:03,931 --> 00:41:05,633
- What's it been?
- Uh...
946
00:41:06,267 --> 00:41:08,035
It's been good.
947
00:41:08,069 --> 00:41:09,103
Yeah, it has been good.
948
00:41:09,136 --> 00:41:11,138
Been really good, in fact,
if totally unexpected.
949
00:41:11,172 --> 00:41:14,809
Yeah, but it was always good,
like, historically speaking.
950
00:41:14,842 --> 00:41:17,511
- Historically, yeah.
- Not that we were ever all...
951
00:41:17,545 --> 00:41:21,682
No, no, no, not some, like,
super special fucking...
952
00:41:21,716 --> 00:41:24,251
No, we're not that kind of
super special showy,
953
00:41:24,285 --> 00:41:25,519
like, Olympic types...
954
00:41:25,553 --> 00:41:26,754
No, who's got time for that?
955
00:41:26,787 --> 00:41:28,789
No, but, I mean.
we had our quirks...
956
00:41:28,823 --> 00:41:30,257
Yes. Yes, I'm not saying
that we were...
957
00:41:30,291 --> 00:41:31,225
...back in the day.
958
00:41:31,258 --> 00:41:34,161
Yes, there was fun,
there was "ooh la la."
959
00:41:34,195 --> 00:41:36,797
I mean, we were both of us
just fairly compatible.
960
00:41:36,831 --> 00:41:39,066
You know, I mean,
we're both very...
961
00:41:39,900 --> 00:41:41,102
we're very... I suppose
962
00:41:41,135 --> 00:41:42,703
- we're both very solid.
- Quick.
963
00:41:43,671 --> 00:41:45,606
- Yeah, quick. Yeah, yeah.
- Aye?
964
00:41:45,639 --> 00:41:47,775
Both parties
pretty quick at sex.
965
00:41:47,808 --> 00:41:50,244
- Not bad quick.
- No, I wasn't say... No.
966
00:41:50,277 --> 00:41:52,246
No, no, no, just, like,
we know where we're going,
967
00:41:52,279 --> 00:41:53,247
we don't hang about.
968
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,983
Yeah, we're not into
the whole bump and grind.
969
00:41:57,084 --> 00:41:59,153
Aye, none of
that fucking tantric,
970
00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,022
Paul Weller, fucking...
971
00:42:01,055 --> 00:42:02,023
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
972
00:42:02,056 --> 00:42:04,825
But at the same time,
it's not all "wham bam."
973
00:42:04,859 --> 00:42:05,993
No. No, no, no.
974
00:42:06,027 --> 00:42:08,996
No. Premature,
that's not the...
975
00:42:09,030 --> 00:42:10,931
- Is it?
- No. No, no, no.
976
00:42:10,965 --> 00:42:12,666
Both of us happen to be able
977
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:13,834
to get where
we're going with...
978
00:42:13,868 --> 00:42:15,736
- Time to spare.
- ...alacrity. Yeah.
979
00:42:15,770 --> 00:42:18,639
Needless to say, right,
it's totally side-swiped
980
00:42:18,672 --> 00:42:20,241
the pair of us. I mean,
a bolt from the blue.
981
00:42:20,274 --> 00:42:22,710
Yeah. I mean,
we think we've figured out
982
00:42:22,743 --> 00:42:23,644
why it's happening,
983
00:42:23,677 --> 00:42:25,146
but it still doesn't
make sense, does it?
984
00:42:25,179 --> 00:42:26,580
- No.
- Not really. But,
985
00:42:26,614 --> 00:42:27,948
you know, we tell you,
986
00:42:27,982 --> 00:42:29,683
you're not gonna understand it
either, but here goes.
987
00:42:29,717 --> 00:42:30,951
All right, so,
it all started right back
988
00:42:30,985 --> 00:42:32,219
at the end
of the first lockdown.
989
00:42:32,253 --> 00:42:34,822
Well, it was
the night of Mum's funeral.
990
00:42:34,855 --> 00:42:37,358
It was a weird day,
to be fair, wasn't it?
991
00:42:37,391 --> 00:42:39,326
I mean, funerals, right,
992
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:40,961
I've buried both my parents,
993
00:42:40,995 --> 00:42:43,197
and there's this whole
bunch of stuff
994
00:42:43,230 --> 00:42:44,398
that you have to organize,
you know.
995
00:42:44,432 --> 00:42:47,935
The strangers coming to your
door to pay their respects,
996
00:42:47,968 --> 00:42:51,072
flowers, hymns, catering,
997
00:42:51,105 --> 00:42:52,940
picking a coffin,
picking coffin ornaments.
998
00:42:52,973 --> 00:42:55,943
And, look, all this stuff,
it can seem really irritating,
999
00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:57,711
but it's actually
kind of amazing
1000
00:42:57,745 --> 00:42:59,380
because what's it doing
is it's distracting you
1001
00:42:59,413 --> 00:43:00,581
from what you've lost.
1002
00:43:00,614 --> 00:43:04,285
And, oh, God, I remember at
my dad's funeral,
1003
00:43:04,318 --> 00:43:08,622
there was this big, six foot,
tobaccoey lead smelter, right.
1004
00:43:08,656 --> 00:43:10,891
And he comes up to me
and he goes...
1005
00:43:10,925 --> 00:43:14,061
He grabs my hand
in his big fists and he goes,
1006
00:43:14,095 --> 00:43:15,796
"He was the last of the great
1007
00:43:15,830 --> 00:43:18,299
"characters, that man," right.
1008
00:43:18,332 --> 00:43:21,368
"When he left, the fun
went out of that place.
1009
00:43:21,402 --> 00:43:23,370
"I loved that man."
1010
00:43:23,404 --> 00:43:25,172
And I guess
1011
00:43:25,206 --> 00:43:26,307
it's stuff like that,
it just...
1012
00:43:26,340 --> 00:43:29,043
It teaches you things you
never knew about the person
1013
00:43:29,076 --> 00:43:31,178
you thought
you knew everything about,
1014
00:43:31,212 --> 00:43:32,313
and it distracts you.
1015
00:43:32,346 --> 00:43:35,149
Anyway, you don't get any
of that at a Covid funeral.
1016
00:43:35,182 --> 00:43:38,652
It's five people
at our Covid funeral. Five.
1017
00:43:38,686 --> 00:43:40,221
Don't organize catering
for five people.
1018
00:43:40,254 --> 00:43:42,356
You gotta choose
your coffin online,
1019
00:43:42,389 --> 00:43:45,025
so you're like,
"Oh, that one, those handles."
1020
00:43:45,059 --> 00:43:47,294
Yeah, no strangers coming to
your door at a Covid funeral.
1021
00:43:47,328 --> 00:43:49,263
Nobody sending flowers.
I mean, what you gonna do,
1022
00:43:49,296 --> 00:43:50,965
you gonna wash them
before they come in?
1023
00:43:50,998 --> 00:43:54,034
There's no singing at
a Covid funeral, no hymns...
1024
00:43:54,068 --> 00:43:55,870
No strangers grabbing you
by the fist,
1025
00:43:55,903 --> 00:43:57,138
looking you in the eye
and telling you
1026
00:43:57,171 --> 00:43:58,339
that your father's actually...
1027
00:43:58,372 --> 00:43:59,874
Hold on, hold on, listen...
1028
00:44:02,109 --> 00:44:03,244
- Can I say something?
- Aye.
1029
00:44:03,277 --> 00:44:05,779
Just... And you're not gonna
look at me all weird or...
1030
00:44:05,813 --> 00:44:06,847
I don't know.
1031
00:44:06,881 --> 00:44:09,183
I mean, I don't know
what you're gonna say, do I?
1032
00:44:16,123 --> 00:44:18,792
I loved that funeral.
1033
00:44:18,826 --> 00:44:21,428
And I know I shouldn't
say that because,
1034
00:44:21,462 --> 00:44:22,963
other people, you know,
1035
00:44:22,997 --> 00:44:24,899
Jesus, it's so painful
for them...
1036
00:44:25,900 --> 00:44:27,234
So agonizing not to be able
1037
00:44:27,268 --> 00:44:29,270
to have the funeral you need,
but, like...
1038
00:44:29,303 --> 00:44:31,272
I mean, for me...
1039
00:44:31,305 --> 00:44:32,940
Like, for me, it was...
1040
00:44:34,308 --> 00:44:36,477
just the best.
1041
00:44:36,511 --> 00:44:38,879
Like, there's no...
there's no...
1042
00:44:38,913 --> 00:44:41,115
there's no catering
to worry about,
1043
00:44:41,148 --> 00:44:43,217
there's no flowers,
1044
00:44:43,250 --> 00:44:45,819
you know, no one's knocking
at your door,
1045
00:44:45,853 --> 00:44:46,921
poking their nose in,
1046
00:44:46,954 --> 00:44:49,456
you're not obsessing about
what the coffin is saying
1047
00:44:49,490 --> 00:44:51,392
about your love
for the person you're burying,
1048
00:44:51,425 --> 00:44:53,093
there's no fucking hymns.
1049
00:44:53,794 --> 00:44:55,396
It's just you
1050
00:44:55,429 --> 00:44:57,464
and the person you're putting
in the ground. And...
1051
00:44:59,466 --> 00:45:01,735
You know, there's nothing
to distract you from the pain
1052
00:45:01,769 --> 00:45:04,405
of what you're losing
and I loved that.
1053
00:45:04,438 --> 00:45:06,407
I fucking loved that funeral.
1054
00:45:06,907 --> 00:45:07,908
I...
1055
00:45:11,378 --> 00:45:13,147
I fucking loved
that funeral, too.
1056
00:45:14,114 --> 00:45:15,449
- You did?
- I did.
1057
00:45:16,450 --> 00:45:19,053
Well, then why were you all...
1058
00:45:19,086 --> 00:45:21,488
Well, 'cause you were like...
1059
00:45:21,523 --> 00:45:22,890
Yeah, but...
1060
00:45:22,923 --> 00:45:24,358
I was loving it.
1061
00:45:24,391 --> 00:45:25,426
I mean, not loving it.
1062
00:45:25,459 --> 00:45:26,994
You know,
my mum is dead, but...
1063
00:45:27,027 --> 00:45:28,062
Yeah. Obviously. I mean...
1064
00:45:28,095 --> 00:45:29,063
Let me tell you,
1065
00:45:29,096 --> 00:45:31,865
that big six foot,
chain-smoking lead smelter
1066
00:45:31,899 --> 00:45:34,068
that came up to me and told me
all that shite about my dad,
1067
00:45:34,101 --> 00:45:36,103
that ruined my year.
1068
00:45:36,136 --> 00:45:37,471
I mean,
do not need to find out
1069
00:45:37,505 --> 00:45:39,940
that the guy that's been
an arsehole to me for decades
1070
00:45:39,974 --> 00:45:41,543
is actually Michael
bloody McIntyre, you know.
1071
00:45:43,410 --> 00:45:45,779
Well, I couldn't say anything
because...
1072
00:45:45,813 --> 00:45:46,847
Well, you know, it's...
1073
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,148
- No, you can't, can you?
- No.
1074
00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:49,316
You're not supposed
to be happy
1075
00:45:49,350 --> 00:45:51,051
about a Covid funeral,
are you?
1076
00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,387
No. And I suppose
when we got home,
1077
00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,557
we just got caught up
talking about Artie, and...
1078
00:45:55,590 --> 00:45:57,858
Fuck, Artie was... He was...
1079
00:45:57,891 --> 00:45:58,727
Oh, he was upset.
1080
00:45:58,759 --> 00:46:00,461
Yeah, 'cause he wanted
to see the body.
1081
00:46:00,494 --> 00:46:01,929
Yeah, 'cause
he loved his gran.
1082
00:46:01,962 --> 00:46:03,964
And he wanted to touch it.
1083
00:46:03,998 --> 00:46:07,968
So what? I wanted to touch it,
that's normal.
1084
00:46:08,002 --> 00:46:09,103
He wanted to taste it.
1085
00:46:09,136 --> 00:46:11,405
Not like... Don't say it like
he's a cannibal or...
1086
00:46:11,438 --> 00:46:12,940
He didn't wanna saute it.
1087
00:46:12,973 --> 00:46:14,975
He wanted to see
if a dead body...
1088
00:46:16,076 --> 00:46:17,411
- What?
- ...tastes like a live body.
1089
00:46:17,444 --> 00:46:19,113
Which is normal, right?
1090
00:46:19,146 --> 00:46:20,247
Absolutely normal.
1091
00:46:20,281 --> 00:46:22,316
Fucking curious,
curious child.
1092
00:46:22,349 --> 00:46:23,183
Anyway, we...
1093
00:46:23,217 --> 00:46:26,153
So we had the funeral,
we came home,
1094
00:46:26,186 --> 00:46:29,957
we talked about Arthur,
we made some tea,
1095
00:46:29,990 --> 00:46:32,126
we had a bit of cheese
1096
00:46:32,159 --> 00:46:34,361
and then the next thing
you know, we had a...
1097
00:46:35,296 --> 00:46:36,930
sexual contact.
1098
00:46:36,964 --> 00:46:38,932
Should we tell them
what it was?
1099
00:46:38,966 --> 00:46:40,568
- No, we don't need to...
- No, no, no. All right.
1100
00:46:40,602 --> 00:46:45,039
Look, suffice it to say,
okay, one of us had an orgasm.
1101
00:46:45,072 --> 00:46:46,940
- We don't need to. Why?
- I just thought they needed...
1102
00:46:46,974 --> 00:46:48,075
Why do you need to say that?
1103
00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:49,310
I thought it's important
for them to know the details.
1104
00:46:49,343 --> 00:46:50,978
That was it, a one off.
1105
00:46:51,011 --> 00:46:54,481
You know, we put it down
to the day, to the situation.
1106
00:46:54,516 --> 00:46:55,482
We're not doing that again.
1107
00:46:55,517 --> 00:46:58,052
Oh, God, no. Done, bang, over.
What's on telly?
1108
00:46:58,085 --> 00:47:00,354
Yeah, and then
post-lockdown life settles in
1109
00:47:00,387 --> 00:47:02,524
and we just completely
forget about it.
1110
00:47:02,557 --> 00:47:03,792
Things start to change,
1111
00:47:03,824 --> 00:47:05,959
you know, you can see people,
you can go to restaurants...
1112
00:47:05,993 --> 00:47:07,629
They encouraged you to go
to restaurants, bizarrely.
1113
00:47:07,662 --> 00:47:10,197
Yeah. Through all of that,
we did not have sex.
1114
00:47:10,230 --> 00:47:11,432
- No. No.
- Even once.
1115
00:47:11,465 --> 00:47:13,434
And little Artie, right,
he's back at school.
1116
00:47:13,467 --> 00:47:14,501
Then he was
out of school again
1117
00:47:14,536 --> 00:47:15,570
'cause some kid got Covid.
1118
00:47:15,603 --> 00:47:17,605
And then he was in,
then he was out,
1119
00:47:17,639 --> 00:47:18,707
and then he was in again,
1120
00:47:18,740 --> 00:47:20,307
it was like a bloody yo-yo,
to be honest with you.
1121
00:47:20,341 --> 00:47:22,076
But, point is,
that there was space
1122
00:47:22,109 --> 00:47:25,212
to ourselves to do it in,
had we so desired.
1123
00:47:25,245 --> 00:47:26,480
And we didn't at all, did we?
1124
00:47:26,514 --> 00:47:28,215
No. I mean, I was working,
I was busy.
1125
00:47:28,248 --> 00:47:30,652
Yeah, and summer comes,
then autumn.
1126
00:47:30,685 --> 00:47:33,087
And then it was like
people seemed to forget that
1127
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:34,922
we were living in a country
that was being held together
1128
00:47:34,955 --> 00:47:36,357
by shoestring and Sellotape,
1129
00:47:36,390 --> 00:47:38,526
and people that don't have
the option to work from home,
1130
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,961
people that have got
shit jobs and shit pay,
1131
00:47:40,994 --> 00:47:42,429
but have to look after
shits like us...
1132
00:47:42,463 --> 00:47:44,231
Ah. Careful, comrade!
1133
00:47:44,264 --> 00:47:45,199
Fuck off. The world
1134
00:47:45,232 --> 00:47:47,034
is still dog-eat-dog,
I'm not saying that.
1135
00:47:47,067 --> 00:47:48,302
Have an idea,
for Christ's sake,
1136
00:47:48,335 --> 00:47:50,104
don't just eat
chicken fucking nuggets.
1137
00:47:50,137 --> 00:47:51,573
Oh, there he is.
1138
00:47:51,606 --> 00:47:54,208
The point is,
at no point during any of this
1139
00:47:54,241 --> 00:47:56,076
do we even consider
having sex.
1140
00:47:56,110 --> 00:47:57,010
Not even just there,
1141
00:47:57,044 --> 00:47:59,346
when the lockdown
to save Christmas starts.
1142
00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:01,048
We're still not doing it,
are we?
1143
00:48:01,081 --> 00:48:02,584
No. God, no. I mean,
not in a million years.
1144
00:48:02,617 --> 00:48:03,551
No. And then, right,
1145
00:48:03,585 --> 00:48:06,420
they announce
a vaccine's been discovered.
1146
00:48:06,453 --> 00:48:10,658
And we just start fucking
ploughing like teenagers.
1147
00:48:10,692 --> 00:48:14,194
Honestly, no idea why.
Like...
1148
00:48:14,228 --> 00:48:16,330
Did the announcement
trigger it? You know.
1149
00:48:16,363 --> 00:48:17,665
Is it a lockdown phenomenon?
1150
00:48:17,699 --> 00:48:19,400
Are other people
experiencing this?
1151
00:48:19,433 --> 00:48:22,336
Maybe because the vaccine's
gonna make things better?
1152
00:48:22,369 --> 00:48:24,171
- Yeah, for you, maybe.
- How do you mean?
1153
00:48:24,204 --> 00:48:26,206
Well,
I mean, they're not gonna be
1154
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:28,510
vaccinating people in refugee
camps any time soon.
1155
00:48:28,543 --> 00:48:31,178
Here we go, let
the virtue signaling begin.
1156
00:48:31,211 --> 00:48:34,148
No, rich countries
will be snapping it up.
1157
00:48:34,181 --> 00:48:36,316
Hey, look, everybody,
a good person is here!
1158
00:48:36,350 --> 00:48:39,186
Fuck off! Life and death
shouldn't be about profit.
1159
00:48:39,219 --> 00:48:40,287
Everything is about profit.
1160
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:42,389
And don't say "profit"
like it's a bad thing, okay.
1161
00:48:42,423 --> 00:48:44,559
How do you think they made
the vaccine? They used money.
1162
00:48:44,592 --> 00:48:45,560
Oh. Well, all I know
1163
00:48:45,593 --> 00:48:47,394
is that you are gonna
be getting the vaccine
1164
00:48:47,428 --> 00:48:49,597
long before any front-line
worker in Sierra Leone,
1165
00:48:49,631 --> 00:48:51,198
and what the fuck do you do?
1166
00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:53,033
I would run out there tomorrow
and get it if I could.
1167
00:48:53,066 --> 00:48:54,301
Yeah. No, I know you would.
1168
00:48:54,334 --> 00:48:56,504
You'd run out there with your
big fat fucking purse, like...
1169
00:48:56,538 --> 00:48:58,640
100%, I'd get it like a shot.
1170
00:48:58,673 --> 00:49:02,209
I'd get it twice, three times,
once for the weekend.
1171
00:49:02,242 --> 00:49:03,477
Why am I having sex with you?
1172
00:49:03,511 --> 00:49:06,380
I don't know,
that's the point.
1173
00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,148
We did it in the kitchen
this morning.
1174
00:49:08,182 --> 00:49:10,484
Over the dishwasher.
I mean, that is unfathomable.
1175
00:49:10,518 --> 00:49:12,654
- Why would you go into...
- What are you talking about?
1176
00:49:12,687 --> 00:49:15,155
We're over-sharing.
1177
00:49:15,189 --> 00:49:18,025
Oh, shit. Er... We are.
I'm really sorry about that.
1178
00:49:18,058 --> 00:49:19,326
You don't need to go
into all the info.
1179
00:49:19,359 --> 00:49:21,295
No. Yeah,
all the ins and outs.
1180
00:49:22,396 --> 00:49:23,765
- Oh, come on.
- Sorry.
1181
00:49:23,798 --> 00:49:25,432
How old are you?
1182
00:49:25,466 --> 00:49:27,468
- How old are you?
- Fucking...
1183
00:49:27,501 --> 00:49:30,370
It doesn't mean we're
all suddenly, you know...
1184
00:49:30,404 --> 00:49:33,040
- No! No.
- ...suddenly all lovey...
1185
00:49:33,073 --> 00:49:35,209
- No! Absolutely not.
- ...dovey and all that.
1186
00:49:35,242 --> 00:49:37,244
Fuck, no. No, no, no, no.
1187
00:49:37,277 --> 00:49:39,046
It's like, it's physical,
isn't it?
1188
00:49:39,079 --> 00:49:40,782
Physical.
Just purely contractual, eh?
1189
00:49:40,815 --> 00:49:44,218
- Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.
- Aye. Yes! Yes!
1190
00:49:44,251 --> 00:49:46,186
It's not like
we're not suddenly in...
1191
00:49:46,220 --> 00:49:48,455
- Fuck, no! Jesus.
- ...love or...
1192
00:49:48,489 --> 00:49:50,457
- ...like through the tulips...
- Don't.
1193
00:49:50,491 --> 00:49:52,192
...fucking holding hands,
1194
00:49:52,226 --> 00:49:54,228
braiding each other's bits,
and fucking...
1195
00:49:54,261 --> 00:49:55,763
Still makes me sick.
1196
00:49:55,797 --> 00:49:57,097
Yeah, and the sight of her
1197
00:49:57,130 --> 00:49:58,566
still makes me wanna
stab my own feet.
1198
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:00,434
I mean, I definitely do not...
1199
00:50:00,835 --> 00:50:02,670
Do I?
1200
00:50:02,704 --> 00:50:06,406
I think maybe the...
the truth is, is that...
1201
00:50:06,440 --> 00:50:08,710
I'm still struggling
with my mum's death, you know,
1202
00:50:08,743 --> 00:50:11,078
and... and...
and maybe the vaccine,
1203
00:50:11,111 --> 00:50:12,814
like, triggered something,
you know.
1204
00:50:12,847 --> 00:50:15,182
I mean, just the thought
1205
00:50:15,215 --> 00:50:18,085
that if she'd had it,
you know, she'd...
1206
00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:21,054
And just the unfairness
of that,
1207
00:50:21,088 --> 00:50:23,156
like the nonsense of it,
and...
1208
00:50:23,190 --> 00:50:26,126
This physical thing that's
been happening between us,
1209
00:50:26,159 --> 00:50:27,562
I think maybe it's helped.
1210
00:50:27,595 --> 00:50:28,830
Yeah.
1211
00:50:28,863 --> 00:50:30,464
Yeah, for me, too.
1212
00:50:30,497 --> 00:50:32,700
- You too?
- Yeah. I think so.
1213
00:50:32,734 --> 00:50:35,335
I think the sex has helped.
1214
00:50:35,369 --> 00:50:37,337
Well, yeah, the sex, but...
1215
00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:40,140
You know, it's not just
the sex, it's the contact...
1216
00:50:40,173 --> 00:50:41,208
Yeah, no, it is.
1217
00:50:41,241 --> 00:50:44,746
It's the contact.
It's the contact.
1218
00:50:44,779 --> 00:50:46,413
And it's the sex as well,
if I'm being honest,
1219
00:50:46,446 --> 00:50:47,481
you know, for me, personally.
1220
00:50:47,515 --> 00:50:49,717
And it's not just the vaccine
1221
00:50:49,751 --> 00:50:51,385
that's been messing
with my head. I...
1222
00:50:52,554 --> 00:50:56,423
I find this
really hard to admit,
1223
00:50:56,456 --> 00:50:57,692
but I've got
complicated feelings
1224
00:50:57,725 --> 00:50:58,560
towards my sister now.
1225
00:50:58,593 --> 00:51:00,562
I think it's chilled me out
somewhat.
1226
00:51:00,595 --> 00:51:03,330
And she feels...
she feels terrible, you know,
1227
00:51:03,363 --> 00:51:06,534
just awful, terrible. And I...
1228
00:51:06,568 --> 00:51:08,502
I should be feeling
sympathetic towards her,
1229
00:51:08,536 --> 00:51:09,837
but I just feel really angry,
1230
00:51:09,871 --> 00:51:11,138
like I just have
so much anger.
1231
00:51:11,171 --> 00:51:12,272
I think it's relaxed me a bit.
1232
00:51:12,306 --> 00:51:14,509
And I hate myself
for feeling like this.
1233
00:51:14,542 --> 00:51:17,477
- But if I'm really honest...
- Just emptying my bags.
1234
00:51:19,814 --> 00:51:22,115
- What?
- What?
1235
00:51:22,149 --> 00:51:24,451
- What did you just say?
- No, I was just...
1236
00:51:24,484 --> 00:51:25,820
- For God's sake!
- ...joking.
1237
00:51:25,853 --> 00:51:27,487
- I was joking.
- "Emptying your bags"?
1238
00:51:27,522 --> 00:51:28,556
Don't joke!
1239
00:51:28,590 --> 00:51:29,824
- I'm really sorry.
- Jesus... I mean,
1240
00:51:29,857 --> 00:51:31,291
- what is wrong with you?
- I said I'm sorry.
1241
00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:32,225
- You always do this!
- Honest to God,
1242
00:51:32,259 --> 00:51:33,895
- I'm really sorry.
- No. Just when I begin
1243
00:51:33,928 --> 00:51:35,362
- to think, you always...
- I don't always do anything.
1244
00:51:35,395 --> 00:51:36,430
Just when I begin to think...
1245
00:51:36,463 --> 00:51:37,599
Just when you begin
to think what?
1246
00:51:42,904 --> 00:51:44,104
Just...
1247
00:51:44,706 --> 00:51:46,406
Don't walk away.
1248
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:47,809
Don't walk away!
1249
00:51:54,414 --> 00:51:55,817
She's been hit by it.
1250
00:51:57,785 --> 00:51:59,721
I know she doesn't
look it, but...
1251
00:52:01,455 --> 00:52:03,190
inside, you know...
1252
00:52:08,261 --> 00:52:09,329
grief.
1253
00:53:02,684 --> 00:53:04,719
I can't escape the feeling
1254
00:53:04,752 --> 00:53:07,622
that my mother didn't die,
she was killed.
1255
00:53:08,823 --> 00:53:10,591
The problem is that
people don't understand
1256
00:53:10,625 --> 00:53:12,392
the word "exponential."
1257
00:53:12,426 --> 00:53:15,963
They think it means "a lot"
or "quite fastly."
1258
00:53:15,997 --> 00:53:21,301
You see it on TV, you know,
or in bad sci-fi movies.
1259
00:53:22,870 --> 00:53:25,472
"Good God, this alien mass
is growing exponentially,"
1260
00:53:25,506 --> 00:53:27,374
and you think,
"Oh, that's a lot."
1261
00:53:27,407 --> 00:53:28,408
But, erm,
1262
00:53:28,442 --> 00:53:31,746
it's worth taking the time
to understand the...
1263
00:53:31,779 --> 00:53:34,982
the mathematics
of exponential growth.
1264
00:53:36,050 --> 00:53:38,418
Right, so you, er...
1265
00:53:38,452 --> 00:53:40,822
So you start with one
and you double it,
1266
00:53:40,855 --> 00:53:41,723
say, every three days.
1267
00:53:41,756 --> 00:53:44,625
So you're doubling it
every three days.
1268
00:53:44,659 --> 00:53:48,529
So, by the end of a week,
you've got four.
1269
00:53:48,563 --> 00:53:51,833
One has become four in a week.
1270
00:53:53,034 --> 00:53:55,570
And by the end of the second
week, you have 16.
1271
00:53:55,603 --> 00:53:58,740
By the end of the third week,
you have 128.
1272
00:53:58,773 --> 00:54:02,275
And as the month draws
to a close, you have 512.
1273
00:54:03,010 --> 00:54:05,713
That's after just four weeks.
1274
00:54:05,747 --> 00:54:08,883
Okay. So, that's a lot more
than one, but, you know,
1275
00:54:09,851 --> 00:54:11,418
not so much.
1276
00:54:12,754 --> 00:54:14,421
But if you carry on,
1277
00:54:16,023 --> 00:54:19,894
the fifth week
gives you 2,048.
1278
00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:22,764
The sixth gives you 8,192.
1279
00:54:23,631 --> 00:54:25,800
The seventh...
1280
00:54:25,833 --> 00:54:31,304
The seventh gives you 65,536.
1281
00:54:31,338 --> 00:54:35,810
The eighth gives you 262,144.
1282
00:54:35,843 --> 00:54:37,979
And if you go one week more,
1283
00:54:38,012 --> 00:54:40,915
pretty much near
as dammit to the...
1284
00:54:40,948 --> 00:54:43,718
to the... to the...
to the two calendar months
1285
00:54:43,751 --> 00:54:45,019
from when
this whole thing started,
1286
00:54:45,052 --> 00:54:50,925
you get 1,048,576.
1287
00:54:50,958 --> 00:54:52,860
So the difference between
the start of the first week
1288
00:54:52,894 --> 00:54:54,529
and the end
of the first week is four.
1289
00:54:56,097 --> 00:54:58,533
And the difference between
the start of the ninth week
1290
00:54:58,566 --> 00:55:00,768
and the end of the ninth week
1291
00:55:01,669 --> 00:55:05,405
is 786,432.
1292
00:55:05,438 --> 00:55:06,874
So, same amount of days,
1293
00:55:08,075 --> 00:55:09,744
hugely different numbers.
1294
00:55:14,949 --> 00:55:20,988
This isn't an illustration
of coronavirus, by the way.
1295
00:55:21,022 --> 00:55:23,356
This isn't what
actually happened.
1296
00:55:23,390 --> 00:55:25,358
You know, we didn't quite
go to nine weeks
1297
00:55:25,392 --> 00:55:27,528
before the first lockdown.
There wasn't just one person
1298
00:55:27,562 --> 00:55:28,495
who brought it
into the country.
1299
00:55:28,529 --> 00:55:32,800
It's probably as many as
1,300 patient zeros.
1300
00:55:32,834 --> 00:55:35,870
And this doesn't
take into account,
1301
00:55:35,903 --> 00:55:38,806
you know, pre-lockdown efforts
to battle the virus,
1302
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,108
track and trace,
people changing behavior.
1303
00:55:41,142 --> 00:55:42,844
What actually happened is,
1304
00:55:42,877 --> 00:55:45,847
it's far more complex
than what I've just done.
1305
00:55:45,880 --> 00:55:48,481
What I've just done is...
1306
00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:50,084
illustrate
the word "exponential."
1307
00:55:50,117 --> 00:55:53,721
And it doesn't mean
"quite fastly."
1308
00:55:54,454 --> 00:55:55,890
What it means is...
1309
00:55:57,457 --> 00:56:01,062
What it means
is that timing matters.
1310
00:56:03,831 --> 00:56:08,769
It's said that if we'd
locked down one week earlier,
1311
00:56:08,803 --> 00:56:13,808
just one week, that we could
have saved 20,000 lives.
1312
00:56:13,841 --> 00:56:16,010
So it seems to me
that the word "exponential"
1313
00:56:16,043 --> 00:56:16,911
was not understood.
1314
00:56:16,944 --> 00:56:19,446
But I've just
explained it to you in...
1315
00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:21,115
I've just explained it
to you in...
1316
00:56:21,949 --> 00:56:25,820
1 minute, 34 seconds. And...
1317
00:56:26,821 --> 00:56:28,756
you get it, right?
1318
00:56:29,657 --> 00:56:31,391
It's not that hard, is it?
1319
00:56:35,563 --> 00:56:38,032
In January, 2020,
1320
00:56:38,065 --> 00:56:40,668
the Care Provider Alliance
1321
00:56:40,701 --> 00:56:44,105
contacted the Department
of Health and Social Care
1322
00:56:44,138 --> 00:56:45,640
and said,
1323
00:56:45,673 --> 00:56:49,043
"What should we be doing
about this new coronavirus?"
1324
00:56:49,076 --> 00:56:50,811
And they were told,
1325
00:56:50,845 --> 00:56:53,480
"Nothing.
Don't do anything different."
1326
00:56:53,514 --> 00:56:54,982
And they contacted them
a week later
1327
00:56:55,016 --> 00:56:57,718
and they said,
"What should we be doing now?
1328
00:56:57,752 --> 00:56:59,620
"I mean, should we be,
1329
00:56:59,654 --> 00:57:01,522
"you know,
should we be self-isolating?
1330
00:57:01,555 --> 00:57:04,091
"Should we be
restricting visits
1331
00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:06,961
"from family and friends?
1332
00:57:06,994 --> 00:57:07,962
"Should we...
1333
00:57:07,995 --> 00:57:09,730
"Should we be, like...
Should we wear masks?"
1334
00:57:09,764 --> 00:57:12,499
And this time,
they weren't told,
1335
00:57:12,533 --> 00:57:14,769
"Nothing." This time,
they were told...
1336
00:57:16,837 --> 00:57:19,674
Well, this time,
they weren't told anything.
1337
00:57:19,707 --> 00:57:22,176
This time, they weren't told
anything at all.
1338
00:57:23,277 --> 00:57:27,181
And it wasn't
until a month later
1339
00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:30,651
that they were given guidance.
1340
00:57:30,685 --> 00:57:34,922
This is the end
of February now
1341
00:57:34,956 --> 00:57:37,558
and the guidance
was that they,
1342
00:57:37,591 --> 00:57:41,494
"You do not need to wear masks
1343
00:57:41,529 --> 00:57:44,865
"and it remains very unlikely
that people receiving care
1344
00:57:44,899 --> 00:57:47,568
"in care homes
will become infected."
1345
00:57:47,601 --> 00:57:49,537
And I'm gonna repeat that.
1346
00:57:49,570 --> 00:57:51,238
I'm gonna repeat the advice
1347
00:57:51,272 --> 00:57:53,541
from the Department
of Health and Social Care,
1348
00:57:53,574 --> 00:57:57,645
"It remains very unlikely
that people receiving care
1349
00:57:57,678 --> 00:58:01,248
"in care homes
will become infected."
1350
00:58:01,282 --> 00:58:04,218
You can...
You can look that up. It's...
1351
00:58:04,251 --> 00:58:06,253
There will still
be links for it.
1352
00:58:07,221 --> 00:58:09,090
And this is one week
1353
00:58:09,123 --> 00:58:11,892
before our Prime Minister
is walking around
1354
00:58:11,926 --> 00:58:14,962
just boasting
about shaking hands
1355
00:58:14,996 --> 00:58:17,264
with coronavirus patients.
1356
00:58:17,298 --> 00:58:20,001
And then the Imperial College
1357
00:58:20,034 --> 00:58:23,170
points out
that if left unchecked,
1358
00:58:23,204 --> 00:58:27,174
the virus could kill
half a million people,
1359
00:58:27,208 --> 00:58:29,076
and the government are like,
1360
00:58:29,110 --> 00:58:30,911
"Oh... Oh, fuck, really?
1361
00:58:32,079 --> 00:58:34,515
"Oh, shit. Fuck."
1362
00:58:35,983 --> 00:58:38,819
And then...
then the panic kicks in.
1363
00:58:38,853 --> 00:58:40,988
The NHS
is gonna be overwhelmed,
1364
00:58:41,022 --> 00:58:42,990
we're gonna be like Italy...
1365
00:58:43,024 --> 00:58:45,559
"Oh, please, God,
don't let us be Italy."
1366
00:58:45,593 --> 00:58:50,898
And ministers order 15,000
hospital beds to be vacated,
1367
00:58:50,931 --> 00:58:53,034
and the guidance
given to hospitals
1368
00:58:53,067 --> 00:58:57,071
is that it shouldn't take
more than three hours.
1369
00:58:57,104 --> 00:59:00,107
So patients
are taken out of hospitals
1370
00:59:00,141 --> 00:59:02,643
and they're dumped
into care homes,
1371
00:59:02,676 --> 00:59:05,980
and they're not
being tested because...
1372
00:59:06,013 --> 00:59:07,815
And again,
I'm gonna quote here,
1373
00:59:07,848 --> 00:59:11,052
"that Covid sufferers can be
1374
00:59:11,085 --> 00:59:13,954
"safely cared for
in care homes."
1375
00:59:18,392 --> 00:59:20,194
So, while the...
1376
00:59:20,928 --> 00:59:23,764
While the NHS...
1377
00:59:23,798 --> 00:59:28,102
the burden on the NHS
was being so hotly debated
1378
00:59:28,135 --> 00:59:32,706
and... and while, you know,
the fact that there was no...
1379
00:59:32,740 --> 00:59:35,342
not enough PPE gear
to go around,
1380
00:59:35,376 --> 00:59:37,311
while all that
was being discussed,
1381
00:59:37,344 --> 00:59:39,980
the care homes
were given next to nothing.
1382
00:59:40,014 --> 00:59:41,649
I mean, they were given
dribs and drabs
1383
00:59:41,682 --> 00:59:43,217
while the prices shot up.
1384
00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:47,721
And some local authorities
threatened to withhold money
1385
00:59:47,755 --> 00:59:49,990
from care homes
if they didn't take in
1386
00:59:50,024 --> 00:59:53,928
confirmed
coronavirus patients.
1387
00:59:56,063 --> 00:59:59,066
So they were
sent in to these places
1388
00:59:59,100 --> 01:00:02,069
like biological warfare.
1389
01:00:02,103 --> 01:00:07,074
They were like... like
blankets laced in smallpox.
1390
01:00:12,413 --> 01:00:17,651
In the first lockdown, it's
said that 40% of the people
1391
01:00:17,685 --> 01:00:22,223
who died from coronavirus
were from care homes. 40%.
1392
01:00:23,924 --> 01:00:26,427
So you see,
I can't escape the feeling
1393
01:00:26,460 --> 01:00:27,995
that my mother was killed.
1394
01:00:28,028 --> 01:00:32,266
And not by a car,
or a gun, or a knife,
1395
01:00:32,299 --> 01:00:35,236
or a cricket bat,
or even by the virus.
1396
01:00:35,269 --> 01:00:39,173
She was...
She was killed by stupidity.
1397
01:00:39,206 --> 01:00:43,244
She was killed by dumbfuckery.
She was killed by...
1398
01:00:43,277 --> 01:00:45,846
by someone looking
at something coming at them
1399
01:00:45,880 --> 01:00:47,781
at the speed
of a freight train
1400
01:00:47,815 --> 01:00:49,316
and just being like,
"Oh, let's just...
1401
01:00:49,350 --> 01:00:51,952
"let's just carry on,
shall we? Let's just...
1402
01:00:55,022 --> 01:00:55,990
"you know, it's a bit...
1403
01:00:56,023 --> 01:01:00,361
"it's a bit fucking
Dunkirk spirit, you know,
1404
01:01:00,394 --> 01:01:04,331
"a bit stiff upper lip.
Let's just carry on, old man."
1405
01:01:04,365 --> 01:01:05,966
And my mother...
1406
01:01:06,934 --> 01:01:08,435
My mum...
1407
01:01:11,005 --> 01:01:12,339
I think, erm...
1408
01:01:13,174 --> 01:01:14,742
I think that's it.
1409
01:01:16,410 --> 01:01:17,444
Do you... Do you...
1410
01:01:17,478 --> 01:01:20,748
Isn't it?
Have you got that off...
1411
01:01:20,781 --> 01:01:22,283
Do you remember the... the...
1412
01:01:22,316 --> 01:01:24,018
when we were
supposed to lockdown?
1413
01:01:24,051 --> 01:01:27,721
We were supposed to lockdown
and... and then we didn't.
1414
01:01:27,755 --> 01:01:29,490
And they came out
and they said,
1415
01:01:29,524 --> 01:01:32,927
you know,
"Don't go to clubs or bars,
1416
01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:35,829
"or... or restaurants,
you know,
1417
01:01:35,863 --> 01:01:40,000
"unless you just bloody well
want to or something."
1418
01:01:40,034 --> 01:01:43,237
That was when, like,
Spain and France
1419
01:01:43,270 --> 01:01:47,208
and Lithuania and Malaysia,
they were all locking down.
1420
01:01:48,242 --> 01:01:49,243
Yeah.
1421
01:01:51,345 --> 01:01:52,346
Is that...
1422
01:01:54,014 --> 01:01:55,216
Is that it?
1423
01:01:58,953 --> 01:02:00,821
"Is that it"?
1424
01:02:00,854 --> 01:02:03,057
I don't mean,
"Is that all you can muster?"
1425
01:02:03,090 --> 01:02:04,458
I mean it genuinely.
1426
01:02:04,491 --> 01:02:07,428
If you've got more,
you've got the right to say.
1427
01:02:07,461 --> 01:02:09,163
Oh, yeah. Sorry, no.
1428
01:02:10,397 --> 01:02:12,132
No, that... Yeah, that's it.
1429
01:02:14,201 --> 01:02:15,803
Are you all right?
1430
01:02:17,338 --> 01:02:19,240
No, I don't think so, really.
1431
01:02:22,577 --> 01:02:23,777
Well...
1432
01:02:29,116 --> 01:02:32,052
I... I just feel like
something's changing in me,
1433
01:02:32,086 --> 01:02:33,887
you know, I just feel like
I'm going into a dark...
1434
01:02:35,022 --> 01:02:36,757
Just a bit of a dark place.
1435
01:02:40,494 --> 01:02:43,364
Oh, right. Fuck. Erm...
1436
01:02:43,397 --> 01:02:45,766
Why don't we think
of something positive?
1437
01:02:47,401 --> 01:02:49,470
- Positive?
- Yeah, like, why don't we
1438
01:02:49,503 --> 01:02:51,438
try and leave the room
on a positive thing?
1439
01:02:53,907 --> 01:02:56,511
- What positive thing?
- I don't know. Erm...
1440
01:02:56,544 --> 01:02:59,480
- Arthur. What about Arthur?
- Okay. What about Arthur?
1441
01:03:01,516 --> 01:03:02,483
Actually, he said
1442
01:03:02,517 --> 01:03:04,885
this really interesting thing
the other day.
1443
01:03:04,918 --> 01:03:06,887
He's really clever,
he really is.
1444
01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:10,057
It's this whole evolutionary
theory. Humans as prey.
1445
01:03:10,090 --> 01:03:12,293
Which I know sounds
a bit whatever,
1446
01:03:12,326 --> 01:03:14,596
but bear with me, okay?
1447
01:03:14,629 --> 01:03:18,032
It's this whole evolutionary
theory that states that,
1448
01:03:18,065 --> 01:03:20,267
far from this picture
we've got of early hominids
1449
01:03:20,301 --> 01:03:21,969
being, like, the great hunter,
1450
01:03:22,002 --> 01:03:23,337
it's actually fact
that we were prey
1451
01:03:23,370 --> 01:03:25,507
that helped propel
our development.
1452
01:03:25,540 --> 01:03:28,142
And Arthur was saying
that it still happens today.
1453
01:03:28,175 --> 01:03:30,978
He was saying that 50 people
a year in Tanzania
1454
01:03:31,011 --> 01:03:32,246
get eaten by lions.
1455
01:03:32,279 --> 01:03:36,016
And that, in this one village,
there's, like,
1456
01:03:36,050 --> 01:03:39,086
a leopard that stands up out
of the tall grass, like that,
1457
01:03:39,119 --> 01:03:42,089
and then when the villagers
come to chase it away,
1458
01:03:42,122 --> 01:03:43,324
it'll circle round the back
1459
01:03:43,357 --> 01:03:44,458
and it'll eat
a couple of the babies
1460
01:03:44,491 --> 01:03:46,093
that have been left behind.
1461
01:03:47,629 --> 01:03:48,797
That's really grim.
1462
01:03:48,829 --> 01:03:51,865
I was thinking that as I was
saying it. It's a bit grim.
1463
01:03:51,899 --> 01:03:54,201
- Maybe something else, then.
- Yeah.
1464
01:03:54,234 --> 01:03:55,537
- Can you think of anything?
- Me?
1465
01:03:55,570 --> 01:03:57,572
- Aye.
- Oh. Uh...
1466
01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:01,643
Oh, Brexit,
that happened, so...
1467
01:04:01,676 --> 01:04:04,345
Let's just...
to the side of that, shall we?
1468
01:04:04,378 --> 01:04:05,879
Oh, I just...
1469
01:04:09,116 --> 01:04:10,050
Erm...
1470
01:04:10,084 --> 01:04:13,354
- Your company. Yeah.
- My company collapsed.
1471
01:04:13,387 --> 01:04:15,222
Well, I mean,
you were happy about it.
1472
01:04:15,255 --> 01:04:18,560
Don't say that in front of...
I had to fire people.
1473
01:04:18,593 --> 01:04:20,461
Oh, no, I don't mean...
I didn't mean...
1474
01:04:20,494 --> 01:04:22,429
I'm not happy about it.
I've had to fire people,
1475
01:04:22,463 --> 01:04:24,566
and I've lost my job, and
I've got no money coming in.
1476
01:04:24,599 --> 01:04:26,500
- I'm not happy about it.
- Yeah.
1477
01:04:26,534 --> 01:04:28,402
I'm being sanguine.
I'm sanguine about it.
1478
01:04:28,435 --> 01:04:30,304
Yeah, I meant...
I meant sanguine.
1479
01:04:31,105 --> 01:04:32,507
I meant sanguine.
1480
01:04:35,142 --> 01:04:36,176
Maybe this is
a bollocks idea...
1481
01:04:36,210 --> 01:04:37,344
No, it's not a bollocks idea!
1482
01:04:37,378 --> 01:04:38,646
- It might be.
- No, it's good.
1483
01:04:38,680 --> 01:04:39,913
I like it.
1484
01:04:39,947 --> 01:04:41,915
- You do?
- Yeah. Erm...
1485
01:04:42,249 --> 01:04:43,384
Yeah.
1486
01:04:45,252 --> 01:04:46,253
Uh...
1487
01:04:46,987 --> 01:04:49,156
Oh, Maryama.
1488
01:04:49,189 --> 01:04:53,661
Maryama, Mum's carer,
she's still hanging in there.
1489
01:04:53,695 --> 01:04:55,563
- How is that positive?
- Well, she hasn't...
1490
01:04:55,597 --> 01:04:56,798
The coronavirus
hasn't killed her yet.
1491
01:04:56,831 --> 01:05:00,000
Don't think we even told them
that she'd got coronavirus.
1492
01:05:00,033 --> 01:05:03,270
Oh, shit! Oh, yeah,
she got it really bad.
1493
01:05:03,303 --> 01:05:04,405
Really bad, actually.
1494
01:05:04,438 --> 01:05:06,541
And yet,
she hasn't died of it yet,
1495
01:05:06,574 --> 01:05:08,576
so that's the positive.
What the fuck!
1496
01:05:08,610 --> 01:05:09,577
I'm trying to...
1497
01:05:09,611 --> 01:05:11,445
We're gonna need
to try a lot harder than that.
1498
01:05:11,478 --> 01:05:12,714
It's your idea.
Why don't you think of...
1499
01:05:12,747 --> 01:05:14,516
Why don't
we get married, then?
1500
01:05:16,450 --> 01:05:18,553
- What?
- You know, let's fucking...
1501
01:05:20,588 --> 01:05:22,055
fucking...
1502
01:05:23,190 --> 01:05:24,458
Let's fucking...
1503
01:05:25,660 --> 01:05:27,060
get married, then.
1504
01:05:31,533 --> 01:05:33,133
Are you proposing to me?
1505
01:05:33,635 --> 01:05:34,636
Yep.
1506
01:05:36,036 --> 01:05:38,305
- Yeah, actually I am.
- Right.
1507
01:05:40,274 --> 01:05:42,009
And your proposal is,
1508
01:05:42,042 --> 01:05:44,178
"Let's fucking get...
fucking...
1509
01:05:44,211 --> 01:05:45,580
"Let's fucking get married,
then"?
1510
01:05:45,613 --> 01:05:48,315
It's not Keats,
I'll give you that.
1511
01:05:48,348 --> 01:05:50,618
Are you asking me that
to say something positive?
1512
01:05:50,652 --> 01:05:52,186
- Is that...
- No.
1513
01:05:54,288 --> 01:05:55,989
No.
1514
01:05:56,023 --> 01:05:57,424
- Oh...
- No.
1515
01:05:58,158 --> 01:06:00,394
Absolutely not. No.
1516
01:06:02,463 --> 01:06:04,498
Maybe a wee bit.
I don't really know.
1517
01:06:04,532 --> 01:06:05,432
Look, here's the thing,
1518
01:06:05,466 --> 01:06:07,735
we've been through
all this stuff, right.
1519
01:06:07,769 --> 01:06:09,671
And we are, you and I,
1520
01:06:10,705 --> 01:06:12,105
still here.
1521
01:06:15,743 --> 01:06:17,444
Wow.
1522
01:06:17,478 --> 01:06:18,613
That is... I mean,
1523
01:06:18,646 --> 01:06:21,348
that's the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.
1524
01:06:21,381 --> 01:06:23,183
Did you hear that in a song
or something?
1525
01:06:23,217 --> 01:06:25,653
Look, I've been thinking
about it a lot. A lot.
1526
01:06:25,687 --> 01:06:27,454
And I think that...
1527
01:06:27,488 --> 01:06:30,324
I don't know how, right,
but somehow,
1528
01:06:30,357 --> 01:06:32,359
- I probably love you.
- You probably love me?
1529
01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:36,430
I love you.
I fucking love you.
1530
01:06:36,463 --> 01:06:39,233
And I know that doesn't
make much sense 'cause...
1531
01:06:39,266 --> 01:06:40,267
I kind of hate you as well...
1532
01:06:41,435 --> 01:06:43,036
or I've spent
a lot of time hating you,
1533
01:06:43,070 --> 01:06:44,772
but I don't think I do
anymore.
1534
01:06:46,373 --> 01:06:48,208
I think there's this chance
that we've somehow ended up
1535
01:06:48,242 --> 01:06:52,145
in this place that is the love
that exists beyond hate.
1536
01:06:53,781 --> 01:06:55,617
And the love
that exists beyond hate,
1537
01:06:55,650 --> 01:06:58,051
not a lot of people
get to go there.
1538
01:06:58,085 --> 01:07:00,420
It's a fucking peculiar place.
1539
01:07:02,757 --> 01:07:03,791
It's unique.
1540
01:07:06,260 --> 01:07:07,461
It's utterly rarefied
1541
01:07:08,696 --> 01:07:10,497
and it's extremely beautiful.
1542
01:07:11,866 --> 01:07:14,268
So, yeah,
I think we should probably...
1543
01:07:15,402 --> 01:07:17,204
fucking marry.
1544
01:07:24,344 --> 01:07:26,313
I'm just thinking that...
1545
01:07:26,346 --> 01:07:28,148
Well, I'm just thinking
about my mental state
1546
01:07:28,181 --> 01:07:29,216
right now, you know,
1547
01:07:29,249 --> 01:07:30,484
because I've got
a lot of anger,
1548
01:07:30,518 --> 01:07:32,119
just a lot of hate and...
1549
01:07:32,152 --> 01:07:33,555
No, because it's a timing...
1550
01:07:33,588 --> 01:07:35,557
No, absolutely,
I totally understand.
1551
01:07:35,590 --> 01:07:38,258
- But if we were to...
- Don't worry about it.
1552
01:07:38,292 --> 01:07:40,227
If we were to forget that...
1553
01:07:40,795 --> 01:07:42,496
If we were to do it...
1554
01:07:45,332 --> 01:07:46,868
we would have to do it
1555
01:07:46,901 --> 01:07:49,303
under the banners
of the auspices of...
1556
01:07:49,336 --> 01:07:51,271
of rigorous honesty.
1557
01:07:52,372 --> 01:07:53,741
Absolutely.
1558
01:07:53,775 --> 01:07:55,175
What does that mean?
1559
01:07:56,811 --> 01:07:58,111
Okay.
1560
01:07:59,212 --> 01:08:00,582
Right.
1561
01:08:03,150 --> 01:08:04,351
It was me.
1562
01:08:07,154 --> 01:08:08,288
The mushrooms.
1563
01:08:11,793 --> 01:08:14,461
I picked those mushrooms
and I think...
1564
01:08:14,494 --> 01:08:16,396
I think I know
I picked them. And...
1565
01:08:17,899 --> 01:08:20,768
I knew what I was doing,
and I did it to hurt you.
1566
01:08:23,203 --> 01:08:25,640
And then I stayed with you
because you were poisoned.
1567
01:08:27,174 --> 01:08:28,610
And then
Arthur came along, and...
1568
01:08:29,677 --> 01:08:32,412
You know,
then we were just stuck...
1569
01:08:33,815 --> 01:08:35,215
together.
1570
01:08:46,828 --> 01:08:48,295
I know.
1571
01:08:50,497 --> 01:08:51,498
What?
1572
01:08:54,769 --> 01:08:55,870
I know.
1573
01:08:58,673 --> 01:09:00,273
You know I picked
the mushrooms?
1574
01:09:00,307 --> 01:09:01,676
No.
1575
01:09:01,709 --> 01:09:04,344
I know you think
you picked the mushrooms,
1576
01:09:04,378 --> 01:09:06,714
but you didn't pick
the mushrooms
1577
01:09:06,748 --> 01:09:08,716
because I picked
the mushrooms.
1578
01:09:15,255 --> 01:09:18,458
You were being such a dick,
1579
01:09:18,492 --> 01:09:21,294
and I saw the mushrooms
and I thought,
1580
01:09:21,328 --> 01:09:23,898
"Oh, I wonder
what that would be like
1581
01:09:23,931 --> 01:09:25,700
"to stick that
in her fricassee
1582
01:09:25,733 --> 01:09:28,335
"and watch her fucking..."
1583
01:09:28,368 --> 01:09:30,170
You know the rest,
you've said it before.
1584
01:09:30,838 --> 01:09:32,540
But you ate them.
1585
01:09:33,808 --> 01:09:35,877
Yeah, I forgot
that I picked them.
1586
01:09:37,779 --> 01:09:39,212
Okay.
1587
01:09:40,782 --> 01:09:43,450
- You were gonna poison me?
- Yeah.
1588
01:09:44,886 --> 01:09:46,386
You were gonna poison me.
1589
01:09:46,420 --> 01:09:48,956
No, I was just fantasizing
about poisoning you.
1590
01:09:48,990 --> 01:09:49,857
What's the difference?
1591
01:09:49,891 --> 01:09:52,492
The difference
is the fucking poisoning!
1592
01:09:52,527 --> 01:09:54,562
It was me that got poisoned.
1593
01:09:54,595 --> 01:09:56,564
And let's stop calling it
poisoning, okay?
1594
01:09:56,597 --> 01:09:57,665
I mean, it doesn't kill you,
1595
01:09:57,699 --> 01:10:01,268
it just hurts you badly,
a bit.
1596
01:10:01,301 --> 01:10:04,839
So you wanted to hurt me?
You wanted to hurt me badly?
1597
01:10:06,473 --> 01:10:07,642
Yeah.
1598
01:10:10,545 --> 01:10:11,546
Why?
1599
01:10:14,414 --> 01:10:15,883
Why do you think?
1600
01:10:18,986 --> 01:10:22,322
You walk around, giving it,
"I'm such a good person.
1601
01:10:23,958 --> 01:10:24,926
"Look what a good person I am,
1602
01:10:24,959 --> 01:10:26,861
"look what I do
for my fellow human being."
1603
01:10:26,894 --> 01:10:31,632
But you are horrible to me
every day.
1604
01:10:33,333 --> 01:10:35,670
You are exactly
the same to me.
1605
01:10:35,703 --> 01:10:38,438
But I never despise you.
1606
01:10:38,472 --> 01:10:41,909
I fucking hate you sometimes,
but I never despise you.
1607
01:10:42,610 --> 01:10:44,377
That's not fair.
1608
01:10:44,411 --> 01:10:46,013
What's fair?
1609
01:10:46,047 --> 01:10:48,516
You said "honesty,"
you said that.
1610
01:10:49,717 --> 01:10:52,954
You look down your nose at me,
you always have.
1611
01:10:54,021 --> 01:10:56,456
You are not a good person.
1612
01:10:56,490 --> 01:11:00,494
You just need to read
as a good person.
1613
01:11:00,528 --> 01:11:01,863
See, the reason
that you thought
1614
01:11:01,896 --> 01:11:04,364
that you had poisoned me
for all those years
1615
01:11:04,397 --> 01:11:06,534
is because
you are actually capable
1616
01:11:06,567 --> 01:11:09,503
of doing that to me and more.
1617
01:11:09,537 --> 01:11:12,339
At least I know when I'm being
a piece of shit, but you,
1618
01:11:12,372 --> 01:11:14,041
you're just
a fucking shitty person
1619
01:11:14,075 --> 01:11:15,877
that can't smell
their own fucking stink!
1620
01:11:21,582 --> 01:11:23,985
Look, right...
1621
01:11:25,620 --> 01:11:26,821
I think I went
a bit far there,
1622
01:11:26,854 --> 01:11:29,791
but the thing
to hold on to is that...
1623
01:11:29,824 --> 01:11:32,425
that was actually
a proposal of marriage.
1624
01:11:32,459 --> 01:11:33,861
Right?
1625
01:12:30,518 --> 01:12:31,986
Do you remember Nathan?
1626
01:12:33,120 --> 01:12:35,857
New Forest
fudge weirdo Nathan?
1627
01:12:37,424 --> 01:12:40,828
Well, Nathan is really good
at getting other people
1628
01:12:40,862 --> 01:12:43,731
to do things for him,
hence the fudge.
1629
01:12:43,764 --> 01:12:45,867
And what he's doing now
1630
01:12:45,900 --> 01:12:48,603
is he's getting
people vaccinated, right,
1631
01:12:48,636 --> 01:12:49,837
when it's not yet their turn.
1632
01:12:51,038 --> 01:12:53,574
What he'll do
is he'll take you down there,
1633
01:12:53,608 --> 01:12:54,876
just before close,
1634
01:12:54,909 --> 01:12:56,110
and he'll ask that
1635
01:12:56,143 --> 01:12:57,945
when they've got
a couple of vaccines left,
1636
01:12:57,979 --> 01:12:59,580
instead of throwing them
in the bin,
1637
01:12:59,614 --> 01:13:01,616
would they give them
to you instead, please.
1638
01:13:01,649 --> 01:13:04,819
He's invariably told "no"
in very strong terms.
1639
01:13:04,852 --> 01:13:05,953
And, by the way,
1640
01:13:05,987 --> 01:13:08,421
he is not the only guy
down there doing this, right,
1641
01:13:08,455 --> 01:13:10,057
there's a whole bunch
of those guys down there
1642
01:13:10,091 --> 01:13:12,660
usually trying to get
vaccinated before their go.
1643
01:13:12,693 --> 01:13:15,930
But, Nathan, right,
Nathan's got a secret weapon.
1644
01:13:15,963 --> 01:13:20,167
See, he knows that
like a minute before close
1645
01:13:20,201 --> 01:13:22,703
and they've got
a couple of vaccines left...
1646
01:13:22,737 --> 01:13:24,171
I mean,
what healthcare professional
1647
01:13:24,205 --> 01:13:25,373
wants to bin those.
1648
01:13:25,405 --> 01:13:28,509
They're gonna come out and
they're gonna give them away,
1649
01:13:28,542 --> 01:13:30,511
but when they see,
like, I don't know,
1650
01:13:30,544 --> 01:13:33,881
10 of you sitting there
waiting for two vaccines,
1651
01:13:33,915 --> 01:13:35,216
they're probably
gonna ask something
1652
01:13:35,249 --> 01:13:36,684
along the lines of,
1653
01:13:36,717 --> 01:13:39,820
"Do any of you work
with the vulnerable?"
1654
01:13:39,854 --> 01:13:41,188
A second will go by
1655
01:13:41,222 --> 01:13:42,455
and nobody will say anything
1656
01:13:42,489 --> 01:13:43,524
because none
of these arseholes
1657
01:13:43,557 --> 01:13:44,692
actually do, do they?
1658
01:13:44,725 --> 01:13:47,161
I mean, the real carers
are all getting it elsewhere.
1659
01:13:47,194 --> 01:13:51,532
And another second goes by,
and 10 minds start to race.
1660
01:13:51,565 --> 01:13:53,668
Then a third second goes by,
1661
01:13:53,701 --> 01:13:55,603
and the smarter
and, admittedly,
1662
01:13:55,636 --> 01:13:56,837
more venally shitty
amongst the group
1663
01:13:56,871 --> 01:13:59,774
start to realize that they're
only one dastardly lie away
1664
01:13:59,807 --> 01:14:00,875
from getting vaccinated.
1665
01:14:00,908 --> 01:14:03,244
See, by the time the fourth
second comes and goes,
1666
01:14:03,277 --> 01:14:05,179
there's all these hands
jumping up in the air going,
1667
01:14:05,212 --> 01:14:07,181
"I'm shite-icus,"
"No, I'm shite-icus,"
1668
01:14:07,214 --> 01:14:08,115
"No, I'm shite-icus."
1669
01:14:08,149 --> 01:14:11,052
Anyway, that's what
Nathan does, right.
1670
01:14:11,085 --> 01:14:12,620
He tells you this.
1671
01:14:12,653 --> 01:14:14,255
He says, "Second they ask
that question,
1672
01:14:14,288 --> 01:14:15,856
"you shoot your hand
in the air,
1673
01:14:15,890 --> 01:14:17,490
"you tell your dastardly lie,
1674
01:14:17,525 --> 01:14:18,559
"you walk in the building
1675
01:14:18,592 --> 01:14:20,493
"and you get
what you came for."
1676
01:14:20,528 --> 01:14:22,462
It is not illegal,
1677
01:14:23,664 --> 01:14:26,901
but it's murky as fuck. And...
1678
01:14:26,934 --> 01:14:29,003
See, when I find out
that she...
1679
01:14:30,604 --> 01:14:32,807
is talking to Nathan...
1680
01:14:36,577 --> 01:14:38,746
Things between us have been
1681
01:14:38,779 --> 01:14:41,649
not good since
the mushroom admission.
1682
01:14:43,184 --> 01:14:45,686
Fuck me,
this whole month she's...
1683
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:48,589
So her job, right, her job...
1684
01:14:48,622 --> 01:14:50,691
She's always giving it
the extra hours.
1685
01:14:50,725 --> 01:14:51,859
And I'm always saying to her,
1686
01:14:51,892 --> 01:14:55,529
"Oh, you need to get paid
for that, it's not a charity.
1687
01:14:55,563 --> 01:14:57,565
Which is funny,
because it is a charity.
1688
01:14:57,598 --> 01:15:00,234
And she's usually
in there till like
1689
01:15:00,267 --> 01:15:03,070
seven, eight, nine o'clock
at night, whenever.
1690
01:15:03,104 --> 01:15:05,706
But see now,
five o'clock comes,
1691
01:15:05,740 --> 01:15:07,041
boom, she'll end the Zoom.
1692
01:15:07,074 --> 01:15:09,543
It could be
middle of a meeting,
1693
01:15:09,577 --> 01:15:10,644
boom, ends the Zoom.
1694
01:15:10,678 --> 01:15:14,582
Middle of a sentence, boom,
ends the Zoom, right.
1695
01:15:14,615 --> 01:15:16,650
She won't return
her sister's calls.
1696
01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:18,285
See, when I asked her why,
she goes,
1697
01:15:18,319 --> 01:15:20,254
"I have got no intention
of wasting
1698
01:15:20,287 --> 01:15:22,223
"any more of my life
on other people."
1699
01:15:23,290 --> 01:15:25,259
She won't even fight with me.
1700
01:15:25,292 --> 01:15:27,561
She just fucking walks
out the room.
1701
01:15:27,595 --> 01:15:30,031
I mean, the only person
1702
01:15:30,064 --> 01:15:31,832
she's got any time for
is little Artie.
1703
01:15:31,866 --> 01:15:33,334
And even then,
1704
01:15:33,367 --> 01:15:35,970
I sometimes catch her
looking at him
1705
01:15:36,003 --> 01:15:38,005
when she's playing with him,
and I know she's thinking...
1706
01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,208
"All those years..." you know.
1707
01:15:44,078 --> 01:15:45,813
You going up the stairs, pal?
1708
01:15:48,716 --> 01:15:51,318
Doing funny things to me,
all this, you know.
1709
01:15:51,352 --> 01:15:54,155
That and the collapse
of my company.
1710
01:15:54,188 --> 01:15:56,924
I used to think, you know,
you lose your job,
1711
01:15:58,059 --> 01:15:59,794
you bounce back.
1712
01:15:59,827 --> 01:16:02,930
You fall down, you get back
up again, you know.
1713
01:16:02,963 --> 01:16:09,170
But I can't seem to get up,
you know what I mean?
1714
01:16:11,872 --> 01:16:14,041
I'm biting my fingernails.
1715
01:16:15,142 --> 01:16:17,211
I can't stop
ordering fruit online.
1716
01:16:18,646 --> 01:16:20,848
I cried in the bath yesterday.
1717
01:16:22,183 --> 01:16:23,784
The bath.
1718
01:16:23,818 --> 01:16:26,854
I mean, I never cry,
but the bath?
1719
01:16:26,887 --> 01:16:29,657
It's fucking pathetic. So...
1720
01:16:29,690 --> 01:16:31,959
it's safe to say, that I am...
1721
01:16:33,294 --> 01:16:36,030
bit of a mess over here
right now, you know.
1722
01:16:37,865 --> 01:16:41,135
She's off getting the old,
you know what, with Nathan
1723
01:16:41,168 --> 01:16:42,937
and I thought,
1724
01:16:42,970 --> 01:16:44,972
"I'll take my mind off it,
I'll keep myself busy."
1725
01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:48,042
So I'm doing the katsu curry
aubergine tonight.
1726
01:16:48,075 --> 01:16:49,643
I got all the ingredients.
1727
01:16:49,677 --> 01:16:52,880
Got them down the same
Tesco local as before.
1728
01:16:52,913 --> 01:16:54,648
You know, I don't think
I've been in there
1729
01:16:54,682 --> 01:16:56,984
since before
the first lockdown.
1730
01:16:57,017 --> 01:16:59,153
It's so different
in there now, though.
1731
01:16:59,186 --> 01:17:02,823
You know, all the
hand sanitizer, face masks.
1732
01:17:02,857 --> 01:17:05,059
The last time I was in there,
it was picked clean.
1733
01:17:05,092 --> 01:17:08,028
It was like a 7-Eleven
in a disaster movie.
1734
01:17:08,062 --> 01:17:11,365
But now, it's just brimming
with produce and...
1735
01:17:11,398 --> 01:17:14,235
Just like everything
is just dandy.
1736
01:17:14,268 --> 01:17:17,671
And the punters
are walking about
1737
01:17:17,705 --> 01:17:19,340
like they don't give a shit.
1738
01:17:19,373 --> 01:17:21,008
And there's
this one guy, right,
1739
01:17:21,041 --> 01:17:23,144
my God, this fucking guy.
1740
01:17:24,111 --> 01:17:26,213
Late 20s, right,
1741
01:17:26,247 --> 01:17:29,383
jogging gear, earphones in,
1742
01:17:29,416 --> 01:17:33,254
shopping in a basket,
no mask, like, at all.
1743
01:17:33,287 --> 01:17:36,824
And I'm looking around
and nobody's stopping him.
1744
01:17:36,857 --> 01:17:38,926
I'm, like...
This guy, he just,
1745
01:17:38,959 --> 01:17:42,263
he does not give a fuck,
right.
1746
01:17:42,296 --> 01:17:44,932
So, anyway,
he's in baked goods,
1747
01:17:44,965 --> 01:17:47,134
right, and he's standing
1748
01:17:47,168 --> 01:17:48,903
with all the bread
in front of him,
1749
01:17:48,936 --> 01:17:50,905
and there's a woman below him,
1750
01:17:50,938 --> 01:17:52,106
she's got the uniform on
1751
01:17:52,139 --> 01:17:53,240
and she's stacking pita bread,
1752
01:17:53,274 --> 01:17:56,777
and he's over her like this,
right, like, like that.
1753
01:17:56,810 --> 01:17:58,078
And I'm looking at him,
I'm going,
1754
01:17:58,112 --> 01:17:59,980
"You are too close
to her, pal.
1755
01:18:00,014 --> 01:18:01,182
"What the fuck
is wrong with you?
1756
01:18:01,215 --> 01:18:02,249
"Do you not get this?"
1757
01:18:02,283 --> 01:18:03,484
Because she's not got
any choice,
1758
01:18:03,518 --> 01:18:04,752
but to be there, does she?
1759
01:18:04,785 --> 01:18:06,854
And this guy, he goes...
1760
01:18:06,887 --> 01:18:11,058
Like, he decides, "I am gonna
have a walnut loaf bloomer."
1761
01:18:11,091 --> 01:18:12,459
I mean, he needs to get it,
doesn't he?
1762
01:18:12,493 --> 01:18:15,296
He's probably gonna fucking
die if he doesn't get it.
1763
01:18:15,329 --> 01:18:20,034
So he does this. He leans in.
Like, he leans in, like...
1764
01:18:20,067 --> 01:18:21,835
Like that, like...
1765
01:18:21,869 --> 01:18:24,071
Fuck's sake.
Like that, like, close to her
1766
01:18:24,104 --> 01:18:26,006
and she's, like, here,
right, going,
1767
01:18:26,040 --> 01:18:28,175
"Oh, my God, what is this?
What is this?"
1768
01:18:28,209 --> 01:18:30,044
She can feel it
1769
01:18:30,077 --> 01:18:33,147
because this is close
for normal times, right,
1770
01:18:33,180 --> 01:18:35,049
I mean, like,
borderline inappropriate,
1771
01:18:35,082 --> 01:18:38,485
but these days, with no mask,
I mean...
1772
01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:40,487
Fuck me. So this guy, right,
1773
01:18:40,522 --> 01:18:42,756
he goes, "Hmm." He goes...
1774
01:18:42,790 --> 01:18:46,126
Reaches in...
Face, like, there, right.
1775
01:18:46,160 --> 01:18:48,896
Pulls out
his walnut loaf bloomer,
1776
01:18:48,929 --> 01:18:52,132
gives it a squeeze, actually.
"No, not that one."
1777
01:18:52,166 --> 01:18:54,435
He puts it back,
reaches in for another.
1778
01:18:54,468 --> 01:18:56,971
She's there, breathing.
Brings it out...
1779
01:18:58,305 --> 01:18:59,773
"Oh, yes, lovely."
1780
01:18:59,807 --> 01:19:02,843
And he jogs on.
And I am fucking, like...
1781
01:19:02,876 --> 01:19:07,114
I'm fucking fuming, right,
I mean, I'm raging, boiling.
1782
01:19:07,147 --> 01:19:08,249
I'm so full of this stuff
1783
01:19:08,282 --> 01:19:10,417
that I find myself in front
of this woman, right...
1784
01:19:10,451 --> 01:19:12,786
'Cause I've gotta say
something to this woman.
1785
01:19:12,820 --> 01:19:14,421
And it's her.
1786
01:19:16,824 --> 01:19:20,894
The woman I shouted at.
It's the woman I humiliated.
1787
01:19:20,928 --> 01:19:23,130
She's got her mask on,
but I can tell it's her.
1788
01:19:23,163 --> 01:19:26,000
And she knows it's me, right.
1789
01:19:26,033 --> 01:19:28,902
And she just goes,
"Can I help you, sir?"
1790
01:19:31,438 --> 01:19:33,107
And I've got nothing...
1791
01:19:38,078 --> 01:19:39,880
until finally...
1792
01:19:42,249 --> 01:19:43,518
"I'm sorry.
1793
01:19:45,019 --> 01:19:47,388
"I'm so sorry."
1794
01:19:47,421 --> 01:19:49,557
She goes,
"What are you sorry for, sir?"
1795
01:19:51,025 --> 01:19:53,193
And I can't say 'cause...
1796
01:19:53,227 --> 01:19:55,563
'cause I just fucking can't,
can I?
1797
01:19:55,597 --> 01:20:00,801
So instead I go,
"Thank you for this.
1798
01:20:01,569 --> 01:20:03,304
"For everything.
1799
01:20:03,337 --> 01:20:05,573
"For all you do,
for keeping us all going.
1800
01:20:07,041 --> 01:20:10,077
"For the risks you take,
and for what you are."
1801
01:20:10,110 --> 01:20:11,378
She goes, "What am I, sir?"
1802
01:20:12,547 --> 01:20:14,882
And I go,
1803
01:20:14,915 --> 01:20:18,586
"You're a hero.
You are a hero."
1804
01:20:18,620 --> 01:20:19,853
And she goes,
"I'm just somebody
1805
01:20:19,887 --> 01:20:21,922
"that needs a job, sir."
1806
01:20:21,955 --> 01:20:24,358
And by this point,
I'm kind of crying, right,
1807
01:20:24,391 --> 01:20:28,329
I mean, not actually,
but inside.
1808
01:20:28,362 --> 01:20:31,098
And I wanna give this woman
something, so I say...
1809
01:20:32,933 --> 01:20:35,269
"It's gonna be different."
1810
01:20:35,302 --> 01:20:37,204
She goes,
"What will be different?"
1811
01:20:37,237 --> 01:20:39,607
And I say, "The world.
1812
01:20:39,641 --> 01:20:43,110
"People like you,
you're gonna be valued.
1813
01:20:43,143 --> 01:20:45,479
"We won't go back
to the way it was,
1814
01:20:45,513 --> 01:20:46,980
"valuing the wrong things,
1815
01:20:47,014 --> 01:20:51,653
"like CEOs, or magazines,
or brand influencers,
1816
01:20:51,686 --> 01:20:53,153
"people whose jobs
aren't important."
1817
01:20:53,187 --> 01:20:55,456
She goes,
"People like you, you mean?"
1818
01:20:58,392 --> 01:21:00,528
"Yeah. Yeah, people like me.
1819
01:21:03,097 --> 01:21:04,632
"It's gonna change.
1820
01:21:06,266 --> 01:21:08,302
"We'll remember."
1821
01:21:08,335 --> 01:21:11,639
She goes,
"No, you won't. You'll forget.
1822
01:21:11,673 --> 01:21:13,073
"And the world
isn't gonna change."
1823
01:21:15,677 --> 01:21:18,912
And I don't say anything
because
1824
01:21:18,946 --> 01:21:20,314
I think she might be right.
1825
01:21:22,416 --> 01:21:24,218
I know she's right.
1826
01:21:26,253 --> 01:21:29,323
She goes, "Can I help you
with anything else, sir?"
1827
01:21:31,158 --> 01:21:33,862
And I want to say
something that matters.
1828
01:21:36,598 --> 01:21:39,534
I wanna say the one thing
in my life that matters
1829
01:21:39,567 --> 01:21:42,936
and I wanna say it to her,
right now,
1830
01:21:42,970 --> 01:21:45,439
but the only thing in my life
that matters has gone.
1831
01:21:48,610 --> 01:21:50,678
So I just shake my head,
you know what I mean.
1832
01:21:50,712 --> 01:21:53,147
And she goes back
to stocking pita bread
1833
01:21:53,180 --> 01:21:54,948
and quietly
saving all our lives
1834
01:21:54,982 --> 01:21:56,684
for just above minimum wage.
1835
01:21:56,718 --> 01:21:58,419
And...
1836
01:22:13,535 --> 01:22:14,636
I'm not a shitty person.
1837
01:22:16,136 --> 01:22:18,372
I know. I was just reacting
1838
01:22:18,405 --> 01:22:20,441
- when I said that.
- All the time.
1839
01:22:20,474 --> 01:22:23,277
I'm not a shitty person
all the time.
1840
01:22:25,012 --> 01:22:26,280
But I am sometimes.
1841
01:22:28,048 --> 01:22:30,618
And you are not a good person.
1842
01:22:32,052 --> 01:22:34,054
Well, most of the time,
1843
01:22:35,122 --> 01:22:37,625
very much, really, at all.
1844
01:22:37,659 --> 01:22:39,527
But you are sometimes.
1845
01:22:39,561 --> 01:22:41,629
Thank you, I suppose.
1846
01:22:53,140 --> 01:22:55,008
I... I need to make, erm...
1847
01:22:56,276 --> 01:22:57,478
I've been thinking
about this a lot
1848
01:22:57,512 --> 01:22:59,213
and I need to make a...
1849
01:23:01,181 --> 01:23:03,718
People are... are like,
"When we get back to normal,"
1850
01:23:03,751 --> 01:23:05,052
"'When it all gets back
to normal,"
1851
01:23:05,085 --> 01:23:06,119
"It'll soon be normal."
1852
01:23:06,153 --> 01:23:09,122
I don't wanna go back
to normal. I really don't.
1853
01:23:09,156 --> 01:23:12,192
I mean, what is so great
about the way things were?
1854
01:23:12,226 --> 01:23:15,262
Just at each other's throats.
We were just...
1855
01:23:15,295 --> 01:23:17,397
Everyone just
at each other's throats
1856
01:23:17,431 --> 01:23:19,433
over the slightest thing,
all the time.
1857
01:23:19,466 --> 01:23:22,436
And I need to make
1858
01:23:23,403 --> 01:23:25,673
a really drastic change.
1859
01:23:26,641 --> 01:23:28,108
Do you understand?
1860
01:23:28,843 --> 01:23:30,043
Yeah.
1861
01:23:31,345 --> 01:23:33,681
Yeah, I think I do.
1862
01:23:34,649 --> 01:23:37,217
I just want a new life.
1863
01:23:37,251 --> 01:23:40,588
You know, I can't go back to
the old one, I really can't.
1864
01:23:40,622 --> 01:23:43,791
And to do that,
I need to make a drastic...
1865
01:23:43,825 --> 01:23:46,226
No, no, no. Look, it's fine.
It's absolutely fine.
1866
01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,295
I completely understand. 100%.
1867
01:23:49,764 --> 01:23:51,633
- Are you crying?
- I'm not crying.
1868
01:23:51,666 --> 01:23:53,601
I'm not fucking crying, okay!
1869
01:23:53,635 --> 01:23:56,604
- That's crying. Why are you...
- No, I'm not...
1870
01:23:56,638 --> 01:23:59,641
Why do you think?
Right, I'm broken up!
1871
01:23:59,674 --> 01:24:01,609
'Course I'm gonna fucking cry.
1872
01:24:01,643 --> 01:24:03,310
This, what we're doing,
1873
01:24:03,343 --> 01:24:05,245
doesn't mean nothing
to me, okay?
1874
01:24:05,279 --> 01:24:06,814
And I get it, I really do.
I get it.
1875
01:24:06,848 --> 01:24:08,850
Maybe this is the smartest
thing we've ever done
1876
01:24:08,883 --> 01:24:11,786
and we should have done it
years ago, but I'm not some
1877
01:24:11,819 --> 01:24:13,186
frozen-hearted ice queen
1878
01:24:13,220 --> 01:24:14,354
with a heart
of rotten granite, am I?
1879
01:24:14,388 --> 01:24:16,189
Why have you got
Arthur's jacket on?
1880
01:24:16,223 --> 01:24:17,625
Fuck's sake!
1881
01:24:19,159 --> 01:24:21,461
Look, let's...
1882
01:24:21,495 --> 01:24:24,431
Let's split up.
Okay, let's do it,
1883
01:24:24,464 --> 01:24:27,835
but it really hurts me.
1884
01:24:27,869 --> 01:24:29,704
And I'm gonna fucking cry
1885
01:24:30,638 --> 01:24:33,240
and you're gonna
fucking watch.
1886
01:24:37,912 --> 01:24:39,212
We're not splitting up.
1887
01:24:40,682 --> 01:24:41,716
What?
1888
01:24:41,749 --> 01:24:43,250
We're not splitting up.
1889
01:24:43,283 --> 01:24:44,384
Why do you think
we're splitting up?
1890
01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:45,452
You just said that we were...
1891
01:24:45,485 --> 01:24:47,487
I did not say
we're splitting up.
1892
01:24:47,522 --> 01:24:48,623
What did you say, then?
1893
01:24:48,656 --> 01:24:52,125
I said,
"Let's not get married." I...
1894
01:24:52,159 --> 01:24:54,729
- No, you didn't.
- That's all I said.
1895
01:24:54,762 --> 01:24:57,532
I did say,
"Let's not get married."
1896
01:24:57,565 --> 01:24:58,600
- I...
- No, you didn't.
1897
01:24:58,633 --> 01:25:00,300
You never said
the word "marriage."
1898
01:25:00,334 --> 01:25:01,869
The word "marriage"
never came out of your mouth.
1899
01:25:04,304 --> 01:25:06,741
Didn't I?
1900
01:25:06,774 --> 01:25:08,843
- That's what I meant.
- That's what you meant?
1901
01:25:08,876 --> 01:25:11,178
I meant let's not get...
1902
01:25:11,211 --> 01:25:13,648
I meant "let's not
get married, let's not..."
1903
01:25:13,681 --> 01:25:15,883
I didn't mean, not,
"let's not be together."
1904
01:25:17,250 --> 01:25:18,820
I meant
"let's not get married."
1905
01:25:18,853 --> 01:25:21,288
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking anyway?
1906
01:25:21,321 --> 01:25:22,890
What's going through your
head? Were you watching...
1907
01:25:24,491 --> 01:25:27,494
watching fucking Bridgerton
or something? I just...
1908
01:25:27,528 --> 01:25:31,532
I'm saying... I am saying,
"let's be together."
1909
01:25:32,432 --> 01:25:34,769
Okay? But just in a nice way!
1910
01:25:37,237 --> 01:25:39,172
If we possibly can.
1911
01:25:44,946 --> 01:25:49,416
Everyone's really angry
at each other all the time,
1912
01:25:49,449 --> 01:25:51,451
but we're all the same.
1913
01:25:51,485 --> 01:25:53,286
We're all wearing
the same clothes,
1914
01:25:53,320 --> 01:25:54,589
we're eating the same food,
1915
01:25:54,622 --> 01:25:56,456
we're listening
to the same music,
1916
01:25:56,490 --> 01:25:58,693
we're drinking
the same stupid drinks,
1917
01:25:58,726 --> 01:26:00,494
we're watching
the same programs.
1918
01:26:00,528 --> 01:26:02,930
Just the entire human race
1919
01:26:02,964 --> 01:26:05,432
is, like,
running towards each other
1920
01:26:05,465 --> 01:26:06,500
at the speed of light,
shouting,
1921
01:26:06,534 --> 01:26:08,402
"Get the fuck away from me."
And I...
1922
01:26:08,435 --> 01:26:10,370
I can't do that anymore.
1923
01:26:10,404 --> 01:26:12,573
I'm not, not after all this.
1924
01:26:12,607 --> 01:26:14,676
Hey, pal.
How you doing? You all right?
1925
01:26:14,709 --> 01:26:16,978
Good wee boy. You gonna
go play? You go play.
1926
01:26:17,011 --> 01:26:18,880
I'll get dinner ready.
Ten minutes, all right?
1927
01:26:18,913 --> 01:26:20,715
Katsu curry aubergine,
just the way you like it.
1928
01:26:20,748 --> 01:26:22,784
I actually found
a wee marinade online.
1929
01:26:22,817 --> 01:26:24,384
I don't like aubergine.
1930
01:26:26,319 --> 01:26:27,755
- What?
- What?
1931
01:26:27,789 --> 01:26:29,524
I don't like aubergine.
1932
01:26:31,926 --> 01:26:34,461
Fantastic. Fantastic.
1933
01:26:34,494 --> 01:26:36,664
I will just chuck that
in the bin.
1934
01:26:37,732 --> 01:26:38,733
Aah!
1935
01:26:39,567 --> 01:26:40,601
Fuck's sake.
1936
01:26:41,703 --> 01:26:43,638
Goodbye, aubergine.
1937
01:26:43,671 --> 01:26:45,405
Hello, fish and chips.
1938
01:26:47,307 --> 01:26:49,376
There's a dead parakeet
in the garden.
1939
01:26:49,409 --> 01:26:51,411
- There's a dead parakeet?
- Yeah.
1940
01:26:51,445 --> 01:26:53,447
- In our garden?
- Yeah.
1941
01:26:53,480 --> 01:26:55,683
Are you sure it's a parakeet?
1942
01:26:55,717 --> 01:26:57,885
I don't think you get
parakeets round here.
1943
01:26:57,919 --> 01:27:00,955
- Can I bring it in?
- No. No. No, pal.
1944
01:27:00,988 --> 01:27:04,324
Maybe just best
to leave it outside, eh?
1945
01:27:04,357 --> 01:27:06,493
- I'll just watch it decompose.
- Yes.
1946
01:27:06,527 --> 01:27:08,730
Or you can chuck it
in the bushes,
1947
01:27:08,763 --> 01:27:11,032
let the foxes eat it.
1948
01:27:11,065 --> 01:27:12,934
- That's good, too.
- Mm.
1949
01:27:18,472 --> 01:27:21,509
- Are you two all right?
- Yes.
1950
01:27:21,542 --> 01:27:23,678
Yeah. Yeah, we're great.
1951
01:27:23,711 --> 01:27:25,479
- Yeah.
- We're really great.
1952
01:27:27,347 --> 01:27:28,783
Hey.
1953
01:27:38,726 --> 01:27:40,828
Here, why don't you go
and play outside, pal?
1954
01:27:40,862 --> 01:27:42,697
Only be two secs, okay?
1955
01:27:44,498 --> 01:27:46,433
I don't despise you.
1956
01:27:48,069 --> 01:27:50,638
That's a terrible thing
to say.
1957
01:27:57,645 --> 01:27:58,980
I didn't get the vaccine.
1958
01:28:00,882 --> 01:28:02,917
- Wait, what?
- No.
1959
01:28:02,950 --> 01:28:07,387
Well, how... Okay. Okay.
1960
01:28:07,420 --> 01:28:11,692
And it was because
of your stupid, moping face.
1961
01:28:11,726 --> 01:28:14,896
You've been moping for weeks
since you found out. I mean...
1962
01:28:15,863 --> 01:28:18,533
Who the fuck
are you to judge me?
1963
01:28:18,566 --> 01:28:19,834
You!
1964
01:28:22,469 --> 01:28:26,607
I was there with Nathan,
and I was ready and...
1965
01:28:28,009 --> 01:28:29,677
A bloke comes out and says,
1966
01:28:29,710 --> 01:28:32,412
"Is anyone here a carer
for the vulnerable?" And...
1967
01:28:33,514 --> 01:28:35,382
your stupid, mopey face
1968
01:28:35,415 --> 01:28:38,052
just came into my head,
and I walked away.
1969
01:28:40,688 --> 01:28:42,890
I walked away
because I was worrying
1970
01:28:42,924 --> 01:28:45,325
about what you would
think of me.
1971
01:28:46,828 --> 01:28:47,995
Because of me?
1972
01:28:49,597 --> 01:28:51,999
What I feel for you, it's...
1973
01:28:53,100 --> 01:28:55,903
It's so weird.
1974
01:28:55,937 --> 01:28:58,840
And it's infuriating
and irritating
1975
01:28:58,873 --> 01:29:00,942
and really depressing
sometimes,
1976
01:29:00,975 --> 01:29:02,009
but it is a sort of love.
1977
01:29:02,043 --> 01:29:06,479
Are you trying to say
you love me?
1978
01:29:06,514 --> 01:29:10,017
No, I'm trying to say
I sort of love you.
1979
01:29:12,653 --> 01:29:15,388
And I'm just asking you,
is that enough?
1980
01:29:41,148 --> 01:29:43,751
Do you wanna go and see
a dead parakeet with me?
1981
01:29:49,891 --> 01:29:51,058
Yeah.
1982
01:29:52,994 --> 01:29:55,395
Yeah, I think I do, actually.
1983
01:31:09,440 --> 01:31:14,440
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