I got it.
Beware the tickle monster.
Tickle monster can attack any place, any time.
The tickle monster can attack across
very strong Wi-Fi connections.
Stop it, tickle monster!
Sorry, girls.
I miss you, Daddy.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
I know it's not a real tickle. I'm sorry.
No tickle monster tonight.
Tonight-- tonight's mommy's bedtime.
Oh, no.
I know. I'm sorry.
No, not Mommy. Boo, boo.
We all know mommy's bedtime is super duper boring.
What's the-- what's the story tonight?
I said, what-- what story are you going to read tonight?
Scary story!
Okay. Well, all right. Tell Mommy-- tell your mother
she has to do the voices.
Daddy does fun voices like this--
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, Mommy always does half assed voices.
Yeah, she does half assed--
Tell her she does half assed voices.
Tell her she has to commit.
She can't skimp out on the voices. No, no, no.
Can you make a video of you doing the voice?
Hey, can-- Brianna, can you put Mommy on?
Brianna? Tell-- tell--
tell Mommy Daddy wants to talk to her.
Love you, Daddy.
Well, I love you, sweetheart. I love you.
I love both of you so much, and I miss you so much.
When are you coming home, Daddy?
And I'll see you Sunday night, okay?
When are you coming back?
Yeah, I'll be back Sunday.
Bye!
I know it's a-- I know it's a cliché,
and everyone thinks this about their collegiate experience,
but what I truly believe--
But I truly believe MSC is the best school on the face of
the earth, and all of you guys are the best classmates
a guy could ever want.
We all know Bill is the best athlete
in the alumni association.
That is, if you consider slurping clam chowder a sport.
I'm just kidding, Bill.
Ed here, when he takes out his pitching wedge, I'd like to...
pitch him the idea of just tossing all of his clubs
in the lake, instead of trying to get out of that sand trap.
I just feel bad for the sand, you know?
I just feel bad for the sand.
Let this be the best reunion that has ever been.
I mean, maybe I'm being hyperbolic about that,
but I-- I can think of no other place I'd rather be.
And that's just--
This is so stupid. I sound like a fucking idiot.
Oh, shi--
Oh, God.
Hey, Mike. What's going on, man? Are you on the--
Hey, can you take me off speaker?
Yeah, just take me off speaker.
Yeah, man, I'm here. That's why I'm--
Yeah, I got here, like, way early, and I'm, like,
setting up all this shit myself.
Is there, like, there's, like, nobody here yet.
None of the alumni association, none of the outreach guys.
No-- nobody's here. Nothing's set up yet,
and we've got, like, three hours before 300 people show up.
I said, we've got three hours before--
Hey, Mike, can you just take me off speaker?
Just take me off speaker.
All right, man.
Well, don't leave me hanging.
Hurry up and I'll hold down the fort.
For Christ's sake, Mike.
Take me off speaker. I said I'll hold down the fort.
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay, fine.
Yep. Yeah. All right, bye.
Oh, sorry. Registration doesn't open 'til 5:30.
Can you come back in a couple hours? You're here for the--
You're looking for the reunion, right?
The-- the main event starts at noon tomorrow,
and I'm not supposed to, um--
I can't technically sign you in until 5:30 today.
You know, tell you what,
if it's easier for you to do just--
Do you want to just do it now?
I can just get it done so you don't have to do it later.
I'll just-- Let me just go ahead and register you.
What's your name?
Rachel Lerner.
Rachel?
No way! Holy shit.
Surprise, surprise.
Oh, it is a surprise party up in here. This is--
Wow, this is crazy. This is certifiable. I mean.
Oh, wow.
- I totally didn't-- - You don't recognize me?
I mean, no. Of course, I-- Yes, I recognize you.
It just took me a minute to, uh, I can't believe this.
I can't believe you're here.
Ta-da
Ta-da! Rachel Lerner.
Calvin Green.
I mean, how have you-- How've you been?
It's been a minute.
It has been a minute.
Um, should I-- Do you want me to come back later?
- I'm a little, uh-- - No.
Apparently, I'm a little early.
No. Early bird catches the, uh you know...
I'll just-- Let me just get you signed in now.
I just gotta find your name.
It'll-- It'll take me two seconds.
It's-- Wow. It's really good to see you.
You were not expecting to see me, huh?
I didn't know what to expect, who to expect.
Uh...
I mean, you look-- You look amazing.
- Seriously. - Oh, look at you,
Mister 'I'm wearing pastel shirt,' Mr. 'Chinos.'
Is this what you call pastel?
You look good, Mr. Fancy Pants.
You, on the other hand...
- Stop. - No, no, no, no. You--
I mean, like, the cliché thing of, like,
you look exactly the same, but it's seriously true.
It's like you look exactly the same.
I mean, can you recommend a moisturizer?
Should I be moisturizing this shit?
I've aged. Trust me.
Wait and see this weekend, though.
Half the guys are going to have hair plugs.
The women will have Botox, spray tans, and Spanx.
It's like, who do you think you're kidding?
Do you actually think you're fooling anybody?
Everyone can see right through you.
You're old!
Old-ish. I'm like, you know, just a little bit old,
it's just like a little-- Like a-- like a middle old.
Time flies.
- Eh, time flies. - When you're having fun.
You keep setting up, if you-- Don't let me stop you.
This weekend should be, uh...
I mean, fun is maybe not the right-- Maybe totally weird
and flashback-y is the more appropriate, uh...
And it should be interesting, to say the least.
It's bound to be full of surprises.
Oh, no big surprise.
Jell-O shots will be in full swing.
I mean, people think they can take a time machine
and drink how they drank in undergrad,
which is just not-- You know,
it's not possible, or advisable.
Yeah, you're preaching to the choir.
Now, you used to-- You could always hold your own in terms
of-- You could drink me under the-- I was a lightweight.
I was the heavyweight champion of the world.
You could drink a screwdriver in, like, 0.5 seconds,
like, uh, record speed, like--
"Rachel, where did your drink go?"
Down the hatch.
-Down the hatch, high tolerance. -High tolerance. Yep.
You never even seemed that tipsy.
Yeah, you were Mr. Tipsy after half a beer.
Two sips, two sips
I was-- Oh, man, I was-- talk about a cheap date.
- I was not a big drinker. - Like me?
The biggest lush in the Big Ten?
Well, no, you weren't a lush.
You weren't, like, a sloppy drunk.
It's not like you were out getting wasted.
Well, I got wasted once.
That was the first and last time I drank
a solo cup full of whiskey.
Ooh.
Hey. What's up?
Yeah. I thought we're going to try and hold my calls.
Is this about the-- Yeah, tell them it's a long position.
It's a long position and we're going long on turbines,
the turbine portfolio is long.
Hey, hey, uh, hold my calls 'til Monday, okay?
Out of office, automatic reply.
Go and get an early start on the weekend, all right?
Right, yeah. It's five o'clock somewhere.
Exactly. All right. Yeah. bye.
That's the problem with hiring a super competent,
super intelligent assistant.
They actually try to get you to do work.
I would like an assistant.
Take one of mine. I have three,
but she's like my main one.
The other two just handle market reports.
Am I coming across as a complete
and total asshole right now?
Just partial. Maybe like one third of an asshole.
A partially obstructed rectum.
Fair enough, that's fair.
Well, I should let you, um-- I'll come back later.
No rush. I'm not, like, kicking you out. You want to--
Can I get you some coffee?
I'll always take a coffee.
Can't vouch for the--
This might not be third wave coffee right here.
I'm not a coffee snob. I just want it in my mouth.
Uh huh.
I was at the airport at, like, 6 AM
- You're based in... - Phoenix.
Phoenix. Nice. That sounds--
I'm picturing sun.
Sun is an understatement.
- Uh-huh. - Inferno would be
more accurate, 112 degrees.
Dry heat, though, right? Isn't it dry?
It's hell on earth. It's brushfires. It's flames.
You'll be, like, literally driving and you'll see, like,
smoke coming off, uh-- Thank you.
Smoke coming off the asphalt.
Oh, I guess you won't be working for
the Phoenix Board of Tourism anytime soon.
- What brought you out there? - Work.
Work. Cool. What do you-- What's your line of, uh...
Oh, pharmaceuticals.
Pharmaceuticals. Excellent. Sweet.
Hope you brought some with you. Just kidding.
You're a kidder.
Kidding aside, college reunion.
I'm sure you could move some units.
Erectile dysfunction pills would probably be at a premium.
Oh, you could make a killing.
Should I set up shop?
Start dealing drugs to all the alumni?
Amphetamines would go like gangbusters.
-Anti-anxiety-- -Do you have anxiety?
Oh, no. I didn't mean me.
Pretty even keeled and not, uh--
You never feel anxious?
A feeling of foreboding, impending doom.
I mean, the stock market makes me nervous,
but you won't find me popping pills about it.
Not that there's anything wrong with, uh--
With what?
With drugs, prescription drugs.
The pharmaceutical industry writ large.
- I wasn't disparaging your-- - My industry.
Your industry is above reproach in my book.
Your industry being?
Finance.
Yes, I'm in finance.
I sell financial instruments for the, uh--
I mean, it's private equity, but before you throw up,
what's cool is we invest exclusively in clean energy.
Green tech, wind, renewables, you know, solar,
and we were the first to lead
the charge in divesting our mutual funds of any blue chip
that isn't carbon neutral.
We believe sustainability equals profitability.
Well, look at you living your best life,
fighting the good fight, uh, reducing your carbon footprint,
and making a shit ton of money?
I bet the school roped you into fund raising, huh?
The university asked me to--
The-- the-- My buddy, Mike, actually, asked me to join
the alumni association,
and the alumni Association puts on these events,
this event, and so, yeah,
this is what you get for getting here super early,
you get to set up folding tables.
Ugh. Folding tables suck!
- They totally suck. - Manual labor?
So, I'm just going to be a bad volunteer
and abdicate my folding table responsibilities.
Do not take responsibility. What's the worst they can do?
Put you in jail? The penitentiary
for people who fail to fold tables?
Huh, that's weird.
[Rachel? What's weird?
I can't seem to find your name in the--
You're not in the master list for the registration.
-Did you RSVP? -Oh, I did.
I mean, at least I think I did. Hmm.
I don't know why I can't--
It's not under your last name. Did you change your last name?
Why would I change my name?
Did you get-- Are you married?
-No. -Huh.
I don't know why I can't, uh, maybe--
I'm sure it's just clerical, or you know what?
I bet you RSVPed late and they didn't add it to the--
You might have to sneak me in.
You might have to crash the party.
I won't tell if you won't.
It'll be our dirty little secret.
Well, um, have fun at the big boy table.
Try not to do any keg stands.
No keg stands in the forecast.
Besides, it wasn't the econ majors who partied like, uh...
It was the theater majors who were party animals.
Oh, theater majors, huh?
Going to a theater department party
was like going to a brothel.
Oh, my God. Brothel's a bit hyperbolic.
People were hooking up left and right. Guys and girls,
guys and guys, girls and girls.
You know, somebody was passing around ecstasy.
Everybody was singing show tunes.
The show tunes I can vouch for.
I was like a fish out of, uh-- I mean,
all these theater people were just looking at me like,
"Who invited Mr. Uptight over here?"
"Mr. I'm Studying Economics."
It was like performance art making you go to those parties.
No, no. You were always
trying to get me into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name...
legally.
It's on my birth certificate.
Besides, guys like you always have
a way of getting out of trouble.
Does a guy like me typically
take a women's studies class?
You were the only guy in that class.
Guys can be feminists.
And girls can be goalies
in the National Hockey League.
You made me a feminist.
You converted me after class
at that shitty coffee shop,
with that shitty coffee.
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Our little debate society. Our little weekly dialectic.
I would school you.
I got schooled.
Yes. Let me see.
Intersectionality,
feminist epistemology, queer theory.
You gave as good as you got.
You got me to read The Road to Serfdom.
You got me to read The Second Sex.
I mean, you really opened my eyes to--
You made me perfectly aware of my own heteronormative,
cisgendered, white male privilege,
and the certain pitfalls,
the certain trappings that accompany--
White male privilege.
It bears repeating, and you were right.
Like, we all bring our own bias, you know,
our own upbringing to bear
-on the way we perceive, -Uh-huh.
or think we perceive events.
There's no objective truth,
there's no-- What did you call that?
You had, like, an actual philosophic moniker that I'm--
The Archimedean point.
There's no Archimedean point, right.
There is no theoretically neutral
vantage point because nobody, and I mean nobody, is neutral.
Gender studies.
Remember that-- We got into that big fight about
the male and female brain.
It was less of a fight and more of a war.
Charles Murray aside,
the idea that there are differences between different
brains and different groups of people,
even within the same group of people, across race,
across nationality, across, yes, gender,
No!
It is in fact scientifically indisputable.
Okay, I would dispute that.
The brains in men and the brains in women are not
the same brains from a-- from a biological--
From the standpoint of cortisol levels,
adrenal response, impulse control,
the whole prefrontal cortex is--
Now you're just making shit up.
But women's brains are better. They just are.
Just look at history. History is-- What is it?
It's-- it's genocide and famine and mass destruction.
It's war. Why? Because it's men.
That's how our brains work.
You don't think men and women think differently?
Let women rule the world, seriously.
Let women be in charge. Every country, every continent.
Boom! World peace. World's a better place.
In what world are you-- Mm... you are either deliberately,
or ignorantly, omitting thousands of year--
Women are equally capable of, um--
Violence? Yes, everyone's capable--
Greek mythology, Greek tragedy. Okay?
There are plenty of examples of women doing
some pretty brutal, some pretty fucked up shit.
By and large--
The women of Lemnos decapitate their husbands
for sleeping with their slaves. Clytemnestra killed Agamemnon.
Medea. She kills her own kids, for Christ's sake.
Oh, what was that play? I saw you in, in school.
You saw a few of my--
Not the weird stuff, not all the weird off campus, uh--
- Performance art. - Not the performance art.
That was very political, very confusing.
I didn't spoon feed the audience.
What was the play? You were acting in that-- You were doing
that play and the-- Like, the Greek play.
You were acting in that play with the goats--
Euripides! The Cyclops.
Euripides, right.
It was not about goats.
Goats were involved.
I just remember, I had never seen a Greek play before,
and it was like, "Wow," it was, like, intense.
It was an immersive production.
It was in-your-face, kind of cross-dressing type of--
I just remember you were wearing that--
You had like a large, uh, phallic type of, uh...
- A phallus? - Yes.
You had a phallus strapped around your--
You're right. Yeah. I was wearing a strap-on,
a very large, bulging, prehistoric hard on.
- It was very intimidating. - Mhm, yeah.
But, you were good.
Your performance was very, uh-- You played the goat.
I played the satyr.
Satyr, right.
Yeah. Satyrs are technically only half goat.
Half goat, half man.
The drunken fawns of the forest,
registered sex offenders of the Greco-Roman era.
They worship Dionysus,
the God of binge drinking and gangbangs.
For a student production,
it was a pretty realistic looking orgy.
Oh, it was a Bacchanal, thank you very much.
And I remember you had on that,
like, that mask thing? Your character was wearing
that, like, weird looking goat mask with, like, the horns.
I made that mask myself. Papier maché.
I still have it, actually.
Does the goat mask come in handy?
You'd be surprised.
Do you dress up like livestock for Halloween?
I, uh, I break it out for special occasions.
- Special occasions? - Intimate moments.
Intimate moments.
Moments of the intimate variety.
I find that kind of disturbing.
I find it kind of kinky.
I'm a married man. Kinky is not really, uh--
Uh, you were never particularly,
-No, no. -uh, yeah back in the day--
-Well, you, on the other hand-- -Was I kinky in college?
Well, I mean, kinky's-- Kinky sounds kind of, uh--
Pejorative, diminutive?
I mean, it's not like, uh, it's not a negative quality.
-It's not a character flaw. -Would you describe me,
as if someone asked you what I was like.
Would you be like, "Oh, Rachel Lerner. Yeah.
-She was kind of kinky." -No, um, of course not.
No. That's not the first word that comes to mind.
But, it's like the third
or fourth word that comes to mind?
No, no, no. What I meant-- What I'm saying is what
I meant to say is, compared to me back in the day,
compared to my, um, very, uh,
limited, very pathetic
-lack of uh, experience, -Mm-hm.
-I was just a little less, -Uh-huh.
-and I'm just a little more-- -Kinky.
Experienced. You had more experiences.
Right, I slept around more.
Well, uh, numbers wise.
If we're just comparing numbers.
I slept with more people
From a numbers standpoint.
Yes, I was pretty...
-Inexperienced. -Inexperienced.
No fellatio during freshman orientation?
-No, no. -No hand jobs
-in your sophomore dorm room? -No.
No sorority girls your senior year?
-No, no. -You didn't sleep around?
I only slept with one person in college.
You know I only slept with one person in college.
Even after we broke up?
Even after we broke up.
Well, I, uh, hate to break up the pre-reunion reunion,
-but I should probably, uh-- -Totally.
You know, keep setting up some stuff.
Definitely.
But, I'll definitely see you later at the, uh,
I mean, obviously we'll meet up mañana, at the shindig.
Shindig, indeed.
The etymology of shindig, but also the--
-Lots of catching up to do. -Lots to catch up on.
I'll catch you before you leave.
Please do. Don't be, uh, don't be a stranger. Don't--
don't get lost in the shuffle.
Don't worry, you can't get rid of me that easy.
If you can't find me,
we can always, um, rendezvous at the bar. After the...
Rendezvous? Yes, at the bar. the bar in the hotel.
- Hotel bar. - Hotel bar. After--
Or before. You know, the hotel bar does have a hell of
a happy hour. I think I'm going to go pre-game it.
Pregame that shit.
Care to join?
Join the parade, huh? You want me to join you?
You want to do some day drinking?
See? You're always trying to get me into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name.
What should we toast to? To MSE for providing us
a completely unremarkable undergraduate education?
I know. Let's drink to our youth.
Mm. To the one that got away.
Hey.
- I fucked it up. - Yeah.
You're right. I was... too needy.
Girls don't like needy guys.
You can't just drop the "I love you" bomb
on somebody six months into dating.
We dated for, like, one semester, and I'm, like,
professing my whatever,
and expecting you to reciprocate when you--
I mean, you were clearly expecting this to be
a more casual, uh, less serious,
less exclusive relationship.
I mean, you saw other people before me,
like, a lot of other people.
Like, I was fucking the whole lacrosse team?
A person in your position-- Let's admit it,
a girl like you could've done way better than
a guy like me. Like, so much better.
Talk about a snooze fest. Not exactly the, uh, life of the--
I'm like Captain Boring.
My wife will be the first person to tell you that.
Did you tell your wife about me?
Did I tell my wife
about my only serious college girlfriend?
The girl who broke my heart? Uh... no.
Didn't exactly come up in casual conversation
-around the, uh-- -You should tell her.
Tell her what?
That you're not just some old flame? That maybe, secretly,
deep down, if I'm-- If I'm being honest with myself
in all probability, I still haven't gotten over you?
You've gotten on with your life.
Your life looks pretty sweet to me.
You're a big, successful businessman,
a partner at Scorch Capital.
Beautiful wife, two little girls.
Uh-- uh, did I tell you I have girls?
-You did. -Huh.
Um, at least I'm pretty sure you did.
You said Sara's home with
the girls to go to the soccer game.
-Sara? -Mhm.
See, the alcohol's going right to my head,
because I don't remember telling you my wife's name,
and I definitely don't remember telling you where I work.
Uh, you told me you were in finance,
you humblebragged about your IPOs, you...
Did I mention Scorch Capital? That I work at Scorch Capital?
Woo! Uh, online.
What?
God, this is embarrassing.
I'm totally embarrassed.
This is totally going to sound like I'm some kind of stalker.
I'm totally honored.
I always thought I was way too lame to be stalked.
Okay, maybe stalking isn't the right-- Let's just call it--
I was seeing what you were up to.
You were seeing when I was up to.
Not creepy in the least.
Not a modicum of creepiness,
and I happened to come across--
I happened to, incidentally, see some pictures--
Pictures.
Pictures you posted on social media, your house
or not so much of a house, more of a McMansion.
- It's not a mansion. - Oh, it's so totally a mansion.
Mr. Fancy Pants has a mansion.
I have other redeeming qualities.
You post a lot of pictures of cars,
all these fancy pants sports cars.
I have one kind of rare sports car,
the rest are just to fool around in.
Your kids are just--
Look at these kids. Talk about adorable.
Thanks.
You post the most adorable pictures.
I like the ones where their faces are like cat faces.
Oh, yeah, it's like this... filter thingy.
How old are they? Brianna and Kaleigh?
Six and three.
Six and three, you must have your hands full.
We hired this au pair,
this 19-year-old au pair from Belarus,
and you should see the clothes she tries to buy my girls.
I'm like, "I don't know how they do things in Belarus,
"but my six-year-old does not need booty shorts.
Thank you very much."
What does your wife have to say
about your modesty dress code?
You make-- You make it sound like
I'm Amish, or Quaker, or some shit.
Your wife doesn't dress, hmm--
Her outfits aren't exactly conservative on--
in her selfies.
You've been checking out my wife's selfies?
- Uh, are they real? - What?
Her boobs.
They're real expensive.
The au pair from Belarus handles the child care.
So does Sara, like, have a job?
She has interests. Yes.
Crossfit?
She volunteers with a lot of non for profits.
Save the whales!
Charities, charity work, poverty initiatives,
climate initiatives. She does these petitions,
she petitions people to retrofit inner city parks into
green spaces. She counsels women at the women's shelter.
Like, abused women?
Victimized women. Women who've been abused.
Wow. What an amazing woman, your wife.
Fighting the good fight, speaking truth to power.
Why does it sound like you...
sound kind of sarcastic about it?
'Cause, you know, Sara's actually I mean,
she's uh, quite the--
She's an amazing role model for the girls.
I mean, talk about strong will,
- talk about independent. - Mm-hm.
Sarah is the head of that household,
I'll tell you what, she does not put up with any of my shit.
Ooh, what shit?
Ah, well, you know, just the typical male bullshit,
typical gender roles.
I mean, yeah, I work crazy hours, like insane hours,
but I don't come home like, "Honey, where's dinner?"
Doesn't the au pair make dinner?
I make dinner.
When I can.
I fold the laundry, I make the snacks for, uh, soccer practice.
Progressive.
My point is-- my point is
I'm the first guy my little girls get to know, right?
So, if I set the right example,
hopefully I'll set them on a course that steers clear of...
-scumbags. -Don't forget about douchebags.
Scumbags and douchebags abound in finance.
Half the hedge fund guys are having affairs with women
half their age. In my office, you would not believe
the way some of these men talk about women.
It's actually unconscionable.
I've caught guys looking at porn at their terminals, like--
Like, full screen porn.
They don't even minimize the screens.
You don't watch porn?
Not at work. I'm not a porn guy in general.
Oh, come on, every guy's a porn guy.
It just never did it for me.
It was just-- You know, never... my thing.
- Call me crazy. - You're a liar.
I call you a liar.
Ah, check this out.
- My assistant. - Uh-huh.
- 22. Right? - Uh-huh.
Happened to attend the Ivy League,
- happens to be attractive. - Of course.
My-- Well, our Christmas party--
- The office Christmas party, - Mm-hm.
she's wearing this, uh,
I guess what you would call
- a shortish skirt, - Ah.
and this guy, this analyst, he takes out his cell phone,
he takes a super zoomed in,
close up picture of my assistant's rear end,
and it was, like, this big joke.
It was no big deal to totally degrade,
totally objectify this woman,
to reduce her Ivy League intellect
to a Snapchat of her visible thong.
-They pass the picture to you? -Pass the picture to everybody.
-Did you jerk off? -I got the guy fired.
Look at you, chivalry is not dead.
I'm the father of two girls, okay?
That kind of shit makes me--
Ugh. I got the office to institute this code of conduct.
Zero tolerance policy, no discrimination, no harassment,
no excuses. So, basically at Scorch Capital,
we hear you talking locker room talk,
we-- we hear you ask a coworker out on a date.
That's it, man. You're gone.
Considering the birthrate is in decline,
is it really the best idea to prevent people from asking
other people out on dates at work?
It's better than the alternative, right?
Where working women have to put up with sexual innuendos
and micro-aggressions from their male colleagues all day.
The-- the workplace needs to be a safe space.
Okay, but safe from what?
What is this, you know, attack of the killer cubicles?
Safe from prejudice. Okay? Safe from bias.
I campaigned for gender neutral bathrooms, for instance.
Men pee on the seat.
I campaigned for-- We have a gender nonbinary employee,
and I got the office to institute--
I got the office to initiate this whole training seminar
on how to respect the person's preferred pronouns.
There's a difference between respecting someone's pronouns
and forcing me to use them.
Is this you-- Are you just playing devil's advocate here,
or do you really believe what you're saying?
Do you?
Yes, of course. I mean, I take this stuff seriously.
Pluralism is a thing to me.
Enfranchising people, making room at the table,
realizing it's time for the tables to turn.
Wow, you're so woke, Cal!
Baby-- No.
Baby steps in the right direction.
Baby steps.
Speaking of babies,
you uh, you have any interest
- in the baby having? - Ugh, okay, whoa.
Is that, like, your pick up line?
It's how I met my wife. "Uh, hey, I'm Calvin.
"Do you have any interest in the baby making?"
I, uh, no. No. I'm done with men.
-Men are just moot. -Women?
Ooh, I have zero interest in dating in general.
Have you tried online dating?
Uh, online dating is how you end up in a storage facility,
being skinned alive by a serial killer.
I read this book, right?
This book by this sociologist, that's basically about how
the per capita rate of psychopaths in our society is,
like, wildly underestimated.
And it's not overestimating to say upwards of, like,
2% of Americans--
That's like six million people
could be potential psychopaths.
Now, the majority of psychopaths
aren't actually homicidal.
The majority are high functioning,
high income earners, or titans of industry.
They don't-- they don't break a sweat under pressure.
Their blood runs cold. Doctors, lawyers, neurosurgeons.
You know?
My chiropractor could be a psychopath.
Yeah. My point is, I'm not going out with someone
I met online, without a stun gun in my purse.
-You have a stun gun? -I'm fucking with you,
but I could totally buy a stun gun
if I wanted to. You know, you can buy anything online.
Anybody can check out pictures of your McMansion.
Case in point.
I do not trust technology.
Don't tell me you don't think our phones aren't recording
us right now, selling our dirty little secrets
to third party advertisers. Surveillance state, man.
You can run, but you can't hide.
I have nothing to hide.
You have a family. What if some pervert jerks off to photos
you post of your daughters online?
What if search engines list your-- your home address,
your wife's phone and email?
There are a lot of weirdos with Wi-Fi access.
I'm deleting all my social media. Thank you very much.
You know-- you can't be too careful.
Yeah. I'm going to erase my entire digital footprint.
Do it.
- Maybe men are not moot. - No.
Maybe men are not moot.
Maybe you just haven't met the right man.
I mean, here you are-- No. Look, look. You're this--
You're this very--
beautiful, very intelligent woman without a wedding ring.
You have to know guys are going to hit
on you this weekend.
-Oh, boy. Oh, my God. -Like... a ton of guys.
99% of them might be total losers,
but maybe, just maybe,
one of these guys might turn out to be, you know, Mr. Right.
I've already met. Mr. Right. Mr. Right...
Mr. Right can do no wrong.
Put that thing away!
Jesus, you serious--
You seriously travel with that thing? Do you, like,
pack it every time you're hopping on a plane?
Toothbrush, check. Deodorant, check. Oversized dildo, check.
Mr. Right is my favorite traveling companion.
I bet.
Mr. Right can do no wrong.
He doesn't bitch and moan,
he gives me what I want when I want it,
I just have my way with him. What's he going to do?
Say no? He's not in the mood?
Uh, most men are in the mood most of the time.
As hard as it may be for you to believe,
uh, I didn't fly all the way out here to meet a guy.
That is not why I'm here.
Let me guess, you're here for the two-for-one happy hour?
To be honest, I wasn't planning
on being here initially.
Never in a million years did
I think I'd go to my college reunion.
Well, what changed your mind?
You.
I was looking at your post online,
you know, you reposted to the invitation
and you were telling other people to repost it,
and you shared the link to RSVP,
I mean, God, it was safe to assume that you were coming.
It was safe to assume you'd be here.
You came here because you knew I was coming?
Because of me.
Because of us.
Us?
-Us. -Us?
-Us. -You, like--
Are you, like, having second thoughts about breaking up
with me?
I have some, uh,
regrets, I guess, about how I handled the situation.
But, I don't hold it against you.
You know, like, water under the bridge.
Don't think I'm batshit crazy.
Crazy is one thing, batshit is--
Yeah, I still think about you, like, all the time.
I mean, I haven't-- You're not even a part of my--
It's not like I've seen you since school.
But there you are. You're, like, hovering--
you're like this big, black Calvin cloud
- always hanging over me. - Ominous.
Closure.
I need to close that chapter of my life
-so I can move on with my life. -Closure? Okay.
After this, we both go our separate ways.
After this, we probably won't see each other again.
Maybe, like, ever. So, this is it. It's just tonight.
One night. One last chance to say goodbye for good.
I mean, goodbye is a foregone--
Goodbye is inevitable.
We're all adults here. We're not animals.
-Mm-hm. -Yeah, yeah, okay.
We might still have feelings for each other.
We might have a certain...
- attraction. - Mm-hmm.
All of this is fun, but none of this is...
I mean, is it-- None of this is actionable.
We're not, uh,
we don't have any illusions, right?
We're not sitting here misleading each other,
or leading each other on. I'm married. Happily married.
- Very happily. - So am I. Hm.
-Wait. -I was fucking with you.
Yeah, I married Mike seven years ago.
He's a cardiac surgeon.
Talk about hands. We have a kid, a little boy.
-Light of my life. -Kid? Ah!
That's-- How old?
Two. Billy's two.
He just turned two, actually, and Mike is Irish Catholic.
He has, like-- He wants to have, like, five kids,
which is like-- I'm like, whoa,
easier said than done, Mike.
Easier said than done. My uterus is on hiatus.
So, uh, are they, uh-- Is your husband coming here to the--
No, no, no. Yeah, they're back in Sarasota.
We have a house on the water, on the ocean, actually,
which is so nice. But...
Earlier you said, well I--
I think you said you flew in from Phoenix.
Correct me if I'm wrong. Earlier, I asked you
where you were based and you said Phoenix.
I said that, um, so I spend a lot of time in Phoenix
because Phoenix is corporate headquarters.
So that's probably what you heard.
Oh, I think I thought I heard you say you were based there.
He said she said, I guess.
Do you-- I'm sure you travel a lot with your line of work.
Totally, yeah.
Marketing is one of those things where, you know,
you have to go to the client, not the other way around.
I thought you said pharmaceuticals.
Marketing for pharmaceuticals.
Oh, must be tough, airport to airport,
especially with a family. Have you been Facetiming--
Sorry, what's his, uh?
Will, my son's name's Will. Yeah.
I was glued to my phone at the airport.
I thought you said his name was Billy?
Okay. Yes. So that's a nickname.
So, do you guys not do nicknames over
at the McMansion?
Do you really have a kid?
Do you really work in pharmaceuticals?
I enjoy pharmaceuticals. I partake.
Too much partaking, perhaps, in my past.
But, uh, let's just say that
I am simpatico with controlled substances.
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
I'm a compulsive liar.
So, wait, you were lying about being single,
or lying about being married?
Are you lying about being happily married?
Because of happily married man
wouldn't have joined me for a drink.
Hang on.
Can you please tell me what you're trying to tell me?
Where do you actually live?
I've lived all over. Joliet, Sarasota, Des Moines.
I've been, uh, bouncing around.
I've been living out of motels that have mini fringes,
I've been living off food stamps.
Shit hole, to shit hole. I can't keep it all straight.
Are you being serious right now?
Yeah, I have some pretty serious problems.
I have, like, zero money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. College reunion.
People are supposed to talk about how great they're doing.
Everything's just hunky dory.
But, let's uh-- let's cut the shit, right?
Let's let shit get real.
Let's be honest with each other, Cal.
I'm at the bottom of the deepest, darkest pit
and I'm not talking about Cleveland.
Physically, emotionally, financially.
Can't your husband--
What husband? He left me and took my kid or I left him.
Either way, he's a nonentity, non-- non-existent.
Or, check this out, maybe he never existed.
Maybe Mike the cardiac surgeon is a figment of my imagination.
Are your parents--
They're out of the picture. Yeah.
They Photoshopped themselves out of my life,
persona non grata once I dropped out of college.
-Wait a minute. You-- -Yeah, I dropped out.
That's why you couldn't register me before.
You couldn't find my name on the list of alumni
because I'm not technically an alumni,
because I didn't technically graduate.
Holy shit. I had no idea.
Well, I mean, we had no contact, really
after we broke up. We didn't exactly stay in touch.
I wasn't, like, keeping you abreast
of my academic travails.
I thought I heard you'd transferred, or maybe I just--
No, I didn't transfer. I dropped out.
-Yeah. -Why?
I don't know. You don't need a degree to be an actor.
You know, the whole idea of paying
for a piece of paper that legitimizes your artistic
prowess, I mean, it's a scam, right? It's a total shakedown.
I was getting deeper and deeper in debt,
and I just figured, fuck it.
I'll just try my luck acting in the city.
Good for you.
It was not. It was not good for me.
The waiting tables, the constant rejection,
the regional theater. I shit you not, I played Lavinia
in a Titus Andronicus that was set in outer space.
The director literally set the mise en scene on Mars.
I'd like to see that.
Ugh. My career has not been super awesome.
I started looking at it objectively,
I started getting super depressed
and I started doing drugs, like, a lot of drugs,
like, an astonishing amount of narcotics have entered my body.
But I am done with that shit now.
Uh...
I just got out of rehab, actually. Don't worry, um,
I'm actually just drinking orange juice.
Rehab?
Yeah. Literally came here straight from rehab.
I'm actually not even staying in this hotel.
I couldn't afford a room.
I'm thinking I might sleep in the fitness center.
I can get you--
And lied about the airport. I took the bus.
Not the good bus, the bus that's,
like, $10 and there's dried throw up on the upholstery.
But I was at this place in Peoria.
I was like, um, like an inpatient, like, you know,
like, you live there-type place.
And I've spent a lot of time in a lot of facilities,
but this facility was, like, holistic.
This was like, you know, Bikram yoga? Guided meditation,
learning to start helping myself
instead of hurting myself. Well...
Burning myself, actually, I would, um,
I would light a lighter and I would take the little flame
and I would burn little bitty parts of my body,
the back of the knee, the pinky toe, the armpit.
It's a strange smell,
the smell of burning skin. It kind of smells like kielbasa.
- Rachel-- - But, I'm better now.
I-- uh, they helped me get better.
I had this counsellor, Mary Ellen,
and Mary Ellen was all about cutting shit out at the source.
If you don't find the source,
you'll never find a way to wellness.
The pathways don't matter.
Therapy, methadone, a macrobiotic diet.
And Mary Ellen had this mantra. You can't face yourself
in the mirror if you don't face down your demons first.
Demons?
My-- my point is, what Mary Ellen helped me realize
is I can't get clean and sober until I get this shit,
all this shit off my chest and out of my system.
Get it all out.
It sounds extreme or something to say this,
but I think it needs to be said.
My life basically ended after our relationship ended.
Believe me, it wasn't easy on me either.
I went through a--
I was in a pretty bad place for a long time.
I didn't just move on. You weren't just some girl.
You were literally the only person I was with in college.
You were like this superhuman entity that landed in my life
in some extraterrestrial spacecraft.
I didn't even recognize you as the same species.
It was just, like, "What is this? What is this?
What is this beautiful being all about?
Just the way your mind works, just the way--
I would just stare at you
and picture the rest of my life with you,
and there is no way my life wouldn't be better
with you in it.
Sorry your life hasn't worked out better.
I'm sorry that you've taken some wrong turns, and--
I'm sorry to say I still don't understand.
After all these years, if you loved me then
like I loved you, why did you break up with me?
Because you raped me.
What?
Because you raped me.
Is this some kind of, uh...
What is this, Rachel? What's happening?
We both know what happened that night at that party.
I think you think you know what happened.
Oh, I know that I know.
You know that's not true. You can't just-- I--
That's not a word you can just throw around.
What word? Rape? Rapey-rape? Rapey pants?
Rachel, stop. Please.
-You didn't stop, why should I? -No.
"No" means "yes." "No" means try harder.
-Rachel, I'm trying to-- -Cal.
I-- I want to-- I want to be s--
I want to be sensitive about this. I want to--
I want to handle-- handle this sensitively,
You're a sensitive guy.
Because I know you're going through a rough patch.
I know you're in a fragile place emotionally.
I know you're in a vulnerable position.
You put me in a vulnerable position.
Well, let's just de-escalate for one second.
Let's just take a moment to collect ourselves
and talk about this in a reasonable--
To have a rational conversation.
Am I acting irrationally?
Am I crying?
Am I hysterical?
Am I walking around blowing a rape whistle?
Let's talk about this.
So, you can talk yourself out of this?
- Out of what? - Out of trouble?
- I'm not in trouble. - Not yet.
Rachel, I'm willing to hear you out.
Magnanimous.
I want to hear what you have to say.
-I'm not trying to dismiss you. -I will not be dismissed.
Exactly. Totally. I'm not--
I'm not--
I'm just a little bit shocked.
Don't mistake my being taken aback for being incredulous.
I believe in believing the victim.
I believe in giving the victim the benefit of the--
These are things I believe in.
These are positions I take. I take the woman's side.
I'm not some--
I'm a strong supporter of women having a voice,
women having every right to--
I mean, if you were sitting here
and telling me some-- some man had done something to you, 100%
I would believe you, without a doubt. Without--
Without hesitation. It just so happens the man is me
and I happen to know what really happened,
and what didn't happen.
I didn't expect you to come right out and confess.
Confess?
Confess what?
You have every reason to deny it.
But denial is not sustainable. Trust me, it just festers.
It's just, God-- Just like this malignant growth.
Look, it took me a long time to be able
to come out and say it, too.
It took me a long time to be able to admit it to myself,
not to mention anybody else.
But once I did, once I could tell myself the truth,
I could tell other people the truth
and it was like this weight had been lifted.
I imagine it might be the same for you, too.
I mean, it must be hard keeping it to yourself,
keeping it from your wife, your kids, your--
your boss.
Everybody knows you as one kind of person,
but nobody knows the kind of person you really are.
How many people have you told?
Just a few people.
The people at the place in Peoria,
Mary Ellen--
You told your therapist my name?
Maybe just your first name. I don't really remember.
Help me remember. Okay?
Tell me what you think I did.
Walk me through it, step by step so I can comprehend--
so I can wrap my head around your accusation,
and clarify any misunderstandings.
- Misunderstandings? - Yes,
because that's what I think this is. One big--
And maybe we can come
to a better understanding of that night, together.
Together.
I really don't want this to be adversarial.
I'm not trying to be confrontational,
or defensive about this.
Relax. You're not a defendant. You're not on the stand.
And I'm not trying to cross-examine you.
I'm not trying to poke holes in your--
Well, poking is the topic at hand.
I'm just trying to--
I think it would be useful
for us to reach some kind of consensus,
at least a framework of, um--
To reconstruct the events of that night and say,
"Hey what do we remember here?
What-- what might we be misremembering?"
I remember the party.
The party-- The house party my roommates decided to throw
behind my back. Uh, I had midterms the next day
and I was studying in the corner until you showed up.
Showed up, kind of, uh,
remember I came late after my play?
I was doing the Euripides play, uh, and the party was packed.
The music was super loud, we couldn't even hear each other.
But you said you had something you needed to tell me,
something important and you took me upstairs.
You-- No, I asked you if you wanted to go upstairs
so we could talk, so we could hear ourselves think.
-You took me upstairs. -You followed me.
You took me into your bedroom, you closed the door.
-I didn't lock it. -We-- we were in your bedroom
and you asked me to sit down and I asked you,
"What did you want to tell me?"
-I told you how I felt. -You told me the last six months
were the best months of your life.
-They were. -I couldn't really hear you
because of the music, but
I think you were trying to tell me that you loved me.
I did. But you didn't tell me you loved me back.
You didn't respond.
I was, like waiting on pins and needles.
I was processing.
There was, like, this long pause,
the longest pause of my life.
You didn't tell me what you were thinking, you just--
-You told me to-- -I told you I needed a drink.
I left the room to get you a drink.
You stayed in the room. You decided to stay.
I stayed.
You brought me back a drink, a very strong drink.
A solo cup full of whiskey, which you chugged.
I chugged it?
I chugged one, too. It was not one sided.
-You kissed me. -You kissed me back.
We were-- we were kissing.
You started to take my clothes off.
-You took off my clothes, too. -You took out--
Remember, you took that mask out of my backpack?
This satyr mask from the play, yes.
You ran around the room buck naked,
pretending to be a mythical goat.
Like I said, I was a lightweight.
Get some whiskey in me and I'm playing farm animals.
We started making out. We started doing other stuff.
We only did other stuff up to that point in our relationship,
six months of doing other stuff.
-But we never actually-- -Did the deed.
We never-- we never made love.
We talked about-- In the past, we had had conversations
about maybe taking things to the next level--
We'd talked about it, but we hadn't decided.
Taking it, right. We were taking it one step at a-- There were--
there were steps along the way, steps we both took--
We took our time with the foreplay aspect.
The foreplay aspect?
The aspect of-- You liked it when I did certain--
Certain things to you.
Oral sex?
Jesus. Oral sex. Yes, I was--
Going down on me?
Going down on you. Yes. Yes, that night.
The night in question.
The night of, uh, you asked me to-- I was performing--
-I asked you? -I mean, you indicated--
-Indicated? -You seemed to imply--
-You seemed to be requesting-- -Requesting?
You grabbed my goddamn hair
and pushed my face between your legs.
I was performing--
You wanted me to perform--
-Cunnilingus. -Can we agree?
I agree.
You're an expert in the cunnilingus department.
Jesus So.
-There I was-- -Eating me out.
-Can we not? -You flipped me over.
No, no, no, no. You turned over, I didn't flip you.
You flipped yourself over onto your, um--
I was face down on the bed.
Yes. Because I was-- In the past-- In past encounters,
you asked me to do it like that, you taught me how to--
You said you liked it like that, when I used my fingers.
From behind. Uh...
That was an established thing, right?
You liked it when I fingered you from behind.
You had said on previous conversations,
you said that the angle felt better.
I felt like I was going to die.
All of a sudden, I felt really weird.
I started seeing weird stuff.
You know, I could see you out of the corner of my eye,
you were behind me. You were wearing that goat mask.
Except now, I shit you not, you looked like an actual goat.
Like, your body. It was like an actual goat body.
You had, like, hooves, and this massive erection,
and you made this loud noise, this, like...
Like a bleating noise.
Then my eyes just went black.
Like someone just took
a sharp being blacked out my eyeballs.
That's the last thing I remember.
Don't remember the actual--
Two drinks don't make you black out.
Two drinks don't make you hallucinate
and think your boyfriend has turned into a goat.
It wasn't that I had too much to drink,
there was something in my drink.
Rachel, I swear to God, okay?
The only thing I put in your drink was
a very generous pour of whiskey.
An entire solo cup full of whiskey. That's what you drank.
Drinking the equivalent of six
or seven shots is going to make you a little sleepy--
I didn't just fall asleep. No, no, no.
I, uh, passed the fuck out and woke up the next morning.
I woke up with you, remember?
I got you that bacon, egg and cheese?
Do you always bring breakfast in bed
to the girls you give roofies to?
Rachel.
I woke up, I got dressed without saying a word,
and I walked all the way across campus.
It's a long walk, the longest walk of my life.
Got home, took a shower. I took it sitting down
and I didn't take off my underwear.
My underwear had blood on it.
Blood? Why would there be blood?
I made up that stuff about sleeping around.
I hadn't slept with anyone.
It was my first time
and I wanted my first time to be with you,
I actually did, but I didn't want it like that.
You are a compulsive liar.
I called you that night and broke up with you,
but I didn't call anyone else. I didn't even call my parents,
-and I never reported it. -Reported what?
You fucked me in my sleep.
You fucked me when I wasn't awake.
Of course, you were awake. You were making noises.
-You were moaning and groaning. -People talk in their sleep.
Why can people moan and groan in their sleep?
You were moving, I saw your body move.
It was super dark in your room.
I saw your reactions. I saw your reactions.
You definitely had definite physical and vocal reactions,
reactions to what I was doing sexually.
You weren't exactly incapacitated.
Uh, I wasn't exactly participating either.
Hey, how could I participate when I was lying face down,
my face buried in the back.
Do you honestly think I'd have sex with someone
who is unconscious, with someone I loved?
-I mean, you did. -No. No,
there were steps along the-- I stopped.
I stopped and checked to make sure you were into it.
I lifted up a mask, the goat mask thing, and I kissed you
and I said, I have-- I said, I have protection.
I said the words--
"I have protection" could mean I have a gun.
"I have protection" doesn't necessarily mean
I have a condom.
Standard interpretations.
Of course it means I have a condom.
"I have protection" is totally synonymous with I have a condom,
which is what I said to you
and you said the words, "Okay," which I took as an indication--
-Even if I did, -Which you did.
Even if I did, "Okay" can be interpreted
in a wide variety of different ways.
Again, standard interpretation.
Standard usage of "Okay" would be approval or assent.
I mean, right?
I mean, am I crazy?
Besides, how could you hear anything?
The party was so loud, the music.
Isn't it possible that maybe you think you heard
me mumble the words, "Okay," when I--
I was really trying to say, "Go away?"
You laughed.
We were laughing because I couldn't get the condom on.
I had to open a new one. It made us laugh.
I was laughing, you were laughing. Which--
How could you be laughing if you're unconscious?
Was I laughing or was I crying?
It was slow,
it was gentle,
I was careful not to--
I put myself inside you from behind.
It wasn't, like, a sneak attack.
It was only after you had signaled, or indicated,
or generally hinted at approval. It wasn't rough,
it wasn't forcible, it wasn't one sided.
-You were making noises. -Noises?
Noises, noises, noises?
Yes, you were making noises. Noises like you liked it.
I'm not making this up, I swear.
I heard you make noises.
Is it-- No, I--
is it possible you were not exactly with it
and drifting in and out of consciousness? Maybe.
Is it possible you fell asleep during the deed
and I didn't notice
because your face was face down on the bed
and your hair was covering your face
and I was wearing that mask with, like, severely limited
visibility, so maybe I wasn't reading the nuances,
the subtlety of your facial-- I don't know--
Just expressions?
Maybe. Maybe.
I don't know. I don't know.
All I know is I would never,
ever consciously hurt you.
It just--
Happened really fast.
So fast.
We just got carried away and things got out of hand
and I really regret that I-- That we did not have
the wherewithal, the judgment to stop this whole thing
before it got started.
Two drunk college kids, naked on a bed.
What's going to happen? Something good?
Things are going to get messy.
Things are bound to be subject to interpretation.
I admit my interpretation could be just as faulty as yours.
It's been a long time.
Geez it's-- it's a real long time for me to sit here and say
I have the definitive, dispositive play-by-play
replay is not--
I can't do that. Neither can you.
Neither of us can say with complete certainty.
All I can say is--
All I can ask is what's more likely?
That I'm some pathological sexual offender?
Or that I was too intoxicated myself
to tell how intoxicated you were?
To appropriately interpret your consent.
I didn't consent.
Legally speaking.
Legally.
Are we talking about legality now?
Because legally speaking, something like this--
Something that happened this long ago,
it's very hard to prove.
It's very expensive. Lawyers.
Maybe you could loan me one of yours.
I'm sure you have the best lawyers money can buy.
I do, actually.
Conflict of interest, I suppose.
Our state is one of the states that has
a statute of limitations,
a limit on how long you have to press charges.
Ooh.
Did you, like, look it up?
So did I.
The statute only applies to adults,
adult victims.
You were a Junior, I was a freshman.
You were 19, I was 17.
I was a minor. Legally speaking, it was statutory.
Legally speaking.
it's a felony to fuck a child.
The statute of limitations doesn't apply.
Oh, God.
What would happen to a guy like you in prison?
What would happen in the shower?
You're tight, white ass would get creamed on a weekly basis.
Then, and only then, will you feel a sliver of what I felt.
Then, and only then,
with a cock in your rectum, will you know what it's like
to be violated.
Whatever you do, do not drop the soap.
Okay, sorry.
Oh, my gosh. Your face.
I'm fucking with you, Cal. I'm not going to press charges.
Aw.
I'm glad you said that, Rachel. That's a relief.
I'm relieved.
An innocent man should want to clear
his name in a court of law.
Innocent men don't exist anymore.
Boo hoo!
I think we can settle this out of court.
I think we can-- I think we can reach a settlement.
Yes. Let's settle this once and for all.
Neither one of us wants to drag this out.
I want you to walk away feeling--
Having felt that I understood where you were coming from.
You don't understand, but you will.
As long as you understand that I maintain my--
I still respectfully disagree with your interpretation
of the--
Maybe we can agree to disagree?
Maybe we can say something went wrong that night.
We made the wrong choices, the wrong decisions,
but it's time to make it right.
I want to make it right. I want to help you.
You think I need help?
Substance abuse is a serious issue.
Mental health is not a priority in this country.
I can get you help.
The best therapists, the best facilities.
You wanted to l-- you want to ship me away?
Lock me in the loony bin?
I spent some time in the loony bin, not super helpful.
I'm not talking about loony bins,
I'm talking about a place,
a high end place to help you get clean,
get on your feet again. All expenses paid.
I'll have my assistant put together a list of facilities.
Money doesn't matter to me,
what matters is your wellbeing--
The only thing that matters to you is getting rid of me,
getting me to shut my mouth.
No, I'm trying to help you get things back on track.
I have access to-- it's easy for me to arrange a few--
What are the things that would be useful to you?
Name the things. You need a car?
-A job? -Hm.
A down payment on an apartment?
- Wow. - Fifty grand.
I'll Venmo you 50 grand. Right here, right now.
Start your own theater company. Put on your own plays.
It's not a handout, it's an investment.
I'm taking a financial interest in you, in your future.
Ugh. I'm more interested in the past.
Seventy-five! Seventy-five!
You can walk out of this bar with 75k.
What's that saying about prostitutes?
You don't pay them for sex, you pay them to leave?
-That's not what this is. -A million.
A million.
I know your net worth,
and I know you're worth a lot more than that.
The question is, what is it worth to you?
-Hmm? -I have the money.
I can get you the--
The money is not the issue.
The issue is by saying okay to the money,
I'm saying essentially that I did it.
And?
And I didn't.
Fucking with you, Cal.
I don't want your money.
-You don't want my money? -I don't want your money.
Can you tell me what you do want?
Can we talk about this in private?
Privacy.
Yes.
Discretion, of course.
Why don't we, uh, yeah.
Why don't we get the check and get out of here?
Why don't we go back to your room?
I'm a married man.
The majority of men can't keep it in their pants.
They did a study.
I've never cheated on my wife.
I've never cheated on my husband.
Do you actually have a husband?
Do you actually care about me?
Okay, okay. Can we--
can we stop playing games, if at all possible?
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
Do you want to hurt me, Cal?
I want a drink.
I could use a drink.
Didn't you just tell me you just get out of rehab?
Do you believe everything everybody tells you?
Please tell me there's a mini bar.
Where is the mini bar?
Whiskey, for, uh, old times' sake. Yeah?
That'll take the edge off, right?
You gotta relax, Cal.
There's no reason this can't be, um, fun, right?
We can make this kind of romantic.
Hey, do you mind if I play some music? That would be--
Oh, yes. Your screen's locked. What's your--
want to punch in your little, um, code thingy?
Do you want to dance?
I don't.
Come on. Dance with me, Cal.
You were never a very good dancer.
Nope.
You were always too uptight.
Yeah.
You need to loosen up, Cal.
Just let it all hang loose.
We had a good thing, Cal.
Do you remember how good our thing was?
Yes.
Do you remember how good it felt?
To feel me?
-Yes -Yeah?
Thought you said no hard feelings.
You feel pretty hard to me.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right. This is getting weird.
Speaking of weird...
Rachel?
Oh, do you want to put on a play?
A little, uh, a little reenactment.
A little performance art?
Don't be shy, just do what she did that night.
I'll play me, you'll pay you. Okey dokey?
Act one, scene one.
I'm laying like this, face down.
-Helpless, lifeless. -I don't want to do this.
Do what you did and do me, Cal.
-Rachel, no. No. -Do it!
Oh, I'm sorry, am I'm making you uncomfortable?
I-- I just got to ask you to leave.
Oh, I'm not going anywhere.
You can kick me out, but I'll, uh--
I just keep coming back.
I'll just keep showing up.
Uh, at the gym, at the grocery store,
at soccer games on Saturday morning.
Maybe I'll swing by
the McMansion, 121 Artesian Street, right?
Maybe your wife can give me a tour.
Leave my wife out of this.
Do you think, um--
Sara would leave you
if she found out what kind of porn you like?
Gotta clear that browser history, bro.
-Give me the-- -Porn like this?
You don't want to leave this lying around the house.
Your daughters might be disgusted
-by Daddy's viewing habits. -Give me the--
You like to watch the rough stuff, huh?
This girl's got a gag in her mouth.
Handcuffs? This is hardcore, Cal.
-This is barely legal. -Give me the computer!
Thought you didn't like porn. Thought you weren't a porn guy.
When I'm traveling.
When I'm away on business. Every guy likes to watch--
This isn't even porn. This isn't a porn star,
this just some girl in some basement being bound
and gagged and violated against her will.
This is some sick shit, Cal.
Okay, you know what? I think I've had enough.
I think I've been more than willing to-- up to this point,
I've really tried my best to accommodate you.
-Accommodate me? -But really, I mean,
at some point, like, enough is enough.
At some point, you've convinced yourself
you have some kind of leverage over me.
Enough leverage to extort me, to threaten me,
to make threats that you're somehow going to destroy
my life because you think I destroyed yours?
Well, think again. You can't blackmail me,
you can't get me to capitulate.
You are not negotiating from a position of power.
All right? Trust me, I've been on the winning end
of a lot of negotiations.
I've been in rooms, in arbitration,
arbitrating equity on a level way beyond your comprehension.
There's a time to broker a deal, and there's a time
to walk away from the table, and I'm telling you, Rachel,
it's time for you to find the closest exit
before I call my counsel,
which is not one person, it's many people,
and they will ring you out, Rachel.
They will hang you out to dry.
They will simply dismantle you piece by piece.
They will take you apart.
I mean, who are you, really?
Who is Rachel Lerner? A college dropout?
A drug addict? A junkie who's been in and out of rehab,
a part-time prostitute?
somebody who, I'm assuming, sucked some dick
for money at some point in her life.
I'm sensing some credibility issues, some character issues.
You see, you don't have a hand to play
because you don't have any proof.
Go tell everyone what you think I did. Go!
No one will believe you. Why?
Because you're you, and I'm me.
Who are you? I mean, really.
Who is Calvin Green?
We're done doing this. We're done.
I can't prove a negative.
It's an impossible-- it's an epistemological problem.
It's a semantic dispute. I'm saying I didn't do it.
You're saying I did. What's the definition of did,
-what's the definition of it? -You know what you did.
What do I have to do to get you to walk out that door?
I'm ready to walk out that door.
I'm ready to close that door behind me, forever.
If?
If you do something for me, first.
-Name it. -You're not going to like it.
A million was just the opening bid.
The bid is in your court to counter.
Here's my offer.
It won't be easy, it won't be fun.
But once you do it, I promise this whole ordeal
will be over and you will never see me again.
Tell me what to do, tell me what you need.
The truth.
I've been telling you the truth all day.
The truth, as I remember it.
- Tell me the truth. - There's not one--
there's no definitive-- there's no Archimedes point here.
-Tell me the truth! -Whose truth is that, Rachel?
What truth?
You want me to just tell you what I think really happened?
Or you want me to tell you what you want to hear?
-Tell me the truth! -Okay, okay, fine. Okay, fine.
Here's the-- here's the truth, Rachel.
The truth, according to you, here's your version of events.
Here's what you want me to say.
You want me to--what? Incriminate myself?
Throw myself under the bus? Demonize myself?
Fine. Fine. Okay. I'm a demon.
I'm a demon! I'm a demon.
But you are a cock tease.
That's the truth. The truth is six months we dated,
six months-- and we never had sex.
Even though you fucked your fair share
of the student population,
even though you fucked all these random guys.
God forbid you meet a good guy
who actually cared about you.
A nice guy who goes out on a limb,
tells you he actually loves you.
With that guy you want to go slow,
you don't want to go all the way.
You wanna go slow, like you're-- like you're suddenly
this squeaky clean little schoolgirl.
-Suddenly, this virgin-- -I was.
Bullshit! There I was-- there I was.
I remember-- I remember it so vividly.
There I was at the party, telling you I loved you.
I was telling you I loved you, spilling my guts out.
But you didn't tell me you loved me back.
You told me to get you another drink.
You seem to think I drugged that drink.
You seem convinced that I slipped you something.
So let's just say, okay, fine. Fine, Rachel. You win.
I slipped you something, I spiked it.
I spiked that shit. I spiked it.
For the sake of the argument, let's just say I spiked it.
Let's just say I had every intention
to have my way with you. My intentions were not good,
and I'm not a good guy. I'm just a total animal.
I'm a total fucking monster. From your point of view,
I'm just a total fucking prick, a fucking monster-- fuck,
an apex predator of pussy. I'm a sick fuck.
You're so right about me, Rachel. You're so right.
And it wasn't just you, you were just the start.
You were just the beginning.
When I was going to grad school, when I was getting
my MBA, I'd get in my car and I drive over
to the shitty part of Philly, the part with the prostitutes,
and I'd pick up these prostitutes, yeah, every one,
and I'd just pick 'em up. I pick 'em up and some of them
will actually let you t-- tie them up and shit,
some of them will actually let you strangle them for, like,
not that much money for, like, you know, basically like $27.
You basically almost-- you choke a sex worker
in the backseat of your Prius.
How sick and twisted is that?
But hey, that's me, right? Sick puppy.
Ooh, take this au pair. Au pair, this 19-year-old
au pair from Belarus, or wherever the fuck.
Day one, she's flirting with me in front of my wife.
Like, pretty overt flirting. Like, touching my arm,
like, laughing too hard at all my jokes.
My wife was like, my wife was like, this is getting weird!
I tried to discourage it, I-- I tried playing it down,
The au pair couldn't get the hint.
Finally, one night, late at night,
I, uh, I had to go into the guest house,
and I guess I took her by surprise,
because she starts hitting me and biting me
to the point where I had actually put a pillowcase
over her head so she would calm down.
My dick was so far up her ass until she realized
the more she moved, the more hurt.
She got the message loud and clear,
because the next day at dinner,
she's the most professional au pair in the world.
No more flirting, no more laughing at all my jokes.
I guess she didn't find me funny anymore.
Oh, and my assistant-- 22, smoking hot. Right?
And she knows it, you know?
I mean, who shows up to an office Christmas party
wearing what amounts to a mini skirt?
Who binge drinks at an office Christmas party
and gets so drunk that she gets sick in
the women's bathroom and blacks out in the stall?
My assistant.
I just lock the bathroom door, right?
I go to town on that tight little pussy.
She's out like a light, and to this day,
she has no idea what I did to her.
Can we stop doing this now? Or do you need to hear more?
You need me to come out and say it?
Hi, everybody. I, Calvin Green am a rapist.
I rape people for a living. I raped you, Rachel.
If you don't get the fuck out of here,
and get the fuck out of my life, I will rape you again.
Maybe twice,
depending on how fast I blow my load!
The fuck are you doing? Sudoku?
It's sarah.green@smail.com, right?
And e-holt@scorchcapital.com?
I just want to make sure I sent this to the right...
I want to make sure I have the right addresses for them.
-What have you-- -Oh, I just, um--
I just e-mailed your wife, and your boss. I just-- uh--
-Sent a little email. -You email my-- my wife?
And your boss.
What have you done?
You did it yourself.
Like I said...
surveillance state.
She's out like a light,
and to this day, she has no idea what I did to her.
Can we stop doing this now, or do you need to hear more?
Do you need me to come out and say it? Hi, everybody.
- Mm. - I-- Calvin Green am a rapist.
I rape people for a living. I raped you, Rachel.
If you don't get the fuck out of here,
and get the fuck out of my life,
I will rape you again, maybe twice.
Depending on how fast I blow my load.
It's not true...
what I said.
I was saying what you wanted me to say.
I was...
I was making it up?
I just made that up.
I just made that shit up. Okay, Rachel?
I didn't actually do any of that stuff.
I never did anything to you, or anybody else.
Wha-- Why are you doing this to me?
No one will believe you.
Do you really believe that?
Fuck you, you fucking bitch.
No... Please...
No.
No. No, no.