Nic.
I'm sorry I'm so late.
I wondered if anything had happened to you.
I overslept.
Look at you!
Look at you.
Wow. Thank you for dressing up for me.
Sorry, Aunt Priya.
Let's drop the "aunt" for this weekend.
You are my aunt, though.
Yes, I am, but by marriage.
That's important for this conversation.
What have I gotten myself into?
I promise I will keep it relatively painless.
Was that a pun?
-What was a pun? -"Relatively" painless?
Oh, dear God. Unintended.
- This outfit. - I mean,
I figured if we were gonna be sittin' around all weekend,
I might as well stay comfortable.
- Plus... - Mm-hmm.
You wanna know the best part?
-There's a flap in the butt. -I mean, why-- why-- why?
- Not interested. - You're no fun.
You look great, though.
Did you get all dolled up for me?
No, no, I had a-- Uh, a faculty thing this morning.
It was online.
Meaning no one was wearing pants?
Says the man in pajamas with no underwear.
I don't remember telling you
that I wasn't wearing underwear,
but I guess if that's what you picture.
Two minutes in and you're already caught on
your little tape thingy being inappropriate.
You are recording this, right?
No, not yet. I'd tell you first.
Yeah, I'm not rushing you at all.
I just get kind of... antsy.
But luckily Jasper let me borrow his little magnets.
We got them for his anxiety,
but honestly, I use them more than he does.
Oh, let me see.
Yeah, I've-- I've seen--
Yeah, no, get ahead of that. That's good.
I have these guys.
Oh, wow. I've never seen these.
Wow, that is really soothing.
You can use them for the weekend.
Thank you.
How are the kids and Kristen doing?
Well, uh, Kristen just stopped traveling for work,
so we're sort of adjusting to
being around each other this much,
but the kids are so cute.
Wanna see?
Well, I mean, between you and Kristen,
how could they not be gorgeous?
Here they are.
-Cute times two. -They are adorable.
- I know. - Were they so sad
to lose you for the weekend?
Oh, my God. Jasper burst into tears
every time the trip was mentioned.
Jocelyn is a lot like her mom and she only barely needs me.
What about Uncle Aaron? Or-- Sorry.
What about Aaron? Where's the hubs?
- In, uh, London. - Oh.
He's been on a sabbatical
and periodically comes back and forth,
but, uh, he's not here this weekend.
Thank you.
Anyway, thank you so much for setting aside the time
and making the drive down.
I so appreciate it. My, uh--
my publisher called and gave me a hard deadline
for this book of ours, so I am really happy
to have your full attention.
Oh, you do. Just...
Oh, your daughter just texted me.
I did tell her I was seeing you today.
Uh, apparently Laurel still has that--
that Nicki picture that I gave her years ago.
Quite a crush on her cousin, the famous model.
Briefly famous. Anyhow.
See how Laurel kissed me where it counts?
Okay, that-- that--
You guys are blood cousins. Can-- Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, shit. Sorry. I'm just seeing all the texts
that you sent when I was driving.
Okay, if that is Laurel, I will tell her--
You can get it if you need to.
It's just the home. It's-- it's just my dad.
Your dad's in the nursing home?
Mm-hmm, yeah, he's been there for a while since my mom died,
but that is a completely different topic.
-Sorry. -Um, oh, no, no, totally fine.
Um...
Nic, maybe we should turn our phones off so we can all focus.
You still only have the weekend, right?
Yeah. I think I need to leave by, like, 2:00 or 3:00 tomorrow?
I thought we had all day tomorrow.
No, I'm so sorry. I promised I'd be back by bedtime.
Okay. Well, why don't we just get right to it then?
Oh, my God. Your magnum opus, The Abusive Patriarchy.
You're so sad in the cover of this.
Do you remember what happened?
Uh, yeah, I ruined what my dad thought was a good photograph
with a sneeze...
...so he spanked me right there in front of the photographer,
and that picture was taken right after.
If you look really close,
you can see the tear marks down my face.
Damn.
You say all that so casually.
Oh, I have worked through it.
It's all I've been writing about for years.
I'm over it, everyone else is clearly over it.
This is what's so exciting. This book is all about you.
Do you have any coffee?
What?
Yes, of course I have coffee,
but Nic, we really have to do this.
Coffee and then we'll jump right in. I promise.
Maybe a quick tour of the place too?
I mean, these columns are incredible.
These are so fun.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
You ready?
-Uh, recording makes it so real. -Mmm.
Yeah.
I promise you, Nic, you are in a safe space.
Okay. Um, I would like to start off by giving you a compliment.
Everything should start by giving me a compliment.
Duly noted.
I think it is incredible what you represent as a model,
as Nicki, uh, so openly owning your pansexuality.
Is that how you identify, by the way, as pansexual?
Yeah, I never really liked defining it,
like, gay or straight or bi, boys, girls, blah, blah, blah.
And I think a lot of young people would say that today,
but that wasn't part of the vernacular back in 2012, right?
That's when you had your big rush of fame.
Yeah. Ish.
And in your current career--
I mean, if you can call drawing porn a career.
I can. And I do.
I think your cartoon work is actually amazing.
I think it pushes against taboos.
It's very feminist work for me.
-Wow. Well, thanks. -Mm-hmm.
And your work has always dealt with the sexual,
so why don't we just begin there?
Um, what are your earliest sexual memories?
Hmm. Okay. Here we go, I guess.
Uh, earliest sexual memories...
Do you mean, like, consensual ones?
Are there non-consensual ones?
Yeah. Um...
Yeah, my earliest sexual memories
were actually with these, uh, these friends of my parents.
Um...
They would babysit me
and we would, like, take these baths together,
and we'd all be naked,
and she would, like, cradle me in her arms
and try to get me to suck her breasts.
He'd, like, scrub us both down.
So, that was totally normal. And...
now it's on the record forever, I guess.
Uh...
I'm sorry that happened to you.
- I'm totally fine. - Mmm.
Um, I mean, I'm sorry, those-- That's the kind of stuff
that your parents should have protected you from, right?
- They didn't know. - Mm-hmm.
I didn't tell them because the couple said that if I did,
I'd get in trouble, so.
Did you eventually tell them?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Much later.
I told my dad, um,
but he kind of just brushed it off
so he wouldn't have to take responsibility for it.
You know Lewis. Not exactly big on owning up to shit.
-Runs in the family. -Who, me?
No, no, no, not you. Aaron. Your uncle Aaron.
He is kind and calm, but he's a very scholarly man
who just doesn't believe in investigating his own emotions.
Yeah. Kristen is anti-emotion too.
She actually hates it when I tell her I love her.
Like, she gets visibly upset. It's bizarre,
but...
That must be hard.
I probably shouldn't talk about Kristen, actually.
She'll kill me.
We can circle back to her.
Or not.
Okay. Um, Nic, have you given any thought to how this--
this kind of early experience of yours has affected you
on a formative level?
Like, does it play into your current sex life at all?
Um...
what are you getting at?
I'm not getting at anything.
I'm just pursuing a line of thought
on how trauma can forge aspects of a human personality
and demolish aspects of a human personality.
Oh, yeah? Mm-kay.
How did trauma demolish your human personality?
That seems obliterated.
Okay. Let's just change subjects for a while.
Um, are you an avid masturbator?
- Currently? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, when you're really good at something,
you do it as much as you can.
Are-- are you really gonna put something like that in the book?
Oh, I'm just trying to get a complete picture of who you are.
Your sexual history, current sexual habits,
nothing's off-limits.
Yeah. No, that makes sense. How often do you masturbate?
This book is not about me.
I-- I know,
but I figure if I'm gonna be laying it all out
on the table for you, you can at least reciprocate.
Nic, look at that bookshelf over there.
You see it? My psyche has been mined to death.
There's nothing new there.
Priya, can we please make this, like,
more of a dialogue instead of a stuffy interview, please?
I'll be way more comfortable.
Okay. Why don't I tell you about when I lost my virginity?
- It's not really what I-- - Don't wanna hear it?
No, I do.
Okay, uh, it was my freshman year of college
- Wow. - And, um--
You really held out.
Yeah. I wasn't exactly fighting them off.
- Mmm. - I used to wear
only boys' clothes, I wasn't on top of my grooming.
All effects of the abuse, I-- I later learned,
but, um, I got my act together in college
and met a guy called Chris.
A couple of months in, I decided,
"You know what, it's time to lose my virginity."
And so we went back to his dorm room one night, and...
He had the most massive cock I've ever seen to date.
-Serious? -I am serious.
Like, I wanted to scream. Oh!
It was so painful, and-- and then I'm crying
and I'm crying in pain and he's--
He just thinks it all, like, cries of ecstasy.
So he just like, poor Chris is just pumping away.
Ugh! Thankfully it did not last long.
I'm sorry, but-- but that's hilarious.
Um, you know, I would've thought you already knew this story.
Why?
'Cause I wrote about it in two different books.
Books that you have claimed to have read.
I did read them. Like, most of them.
The early ones, at least.
You're not alone.
I-- I ran out of personal revelations.
I haven't really navigated any meaningful territory in years.
So, I don't blame you.
That's why I'm so excited to be writing this with you.
But your books are still super popular, right?
People still buy them and stuff, right?
Yeah. We'll see.
Anyway, um, why don't you tell me
when you first discovered
that you were attracted to both sexes?
Were you young?
Wait, both sexes?
Like, you mean you think there are only two?
That's good. That's good. Let me rephrase that.
When did you start confronting expected gender roles
when it came to who you were attracted to?
Did I catch it better?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Uh, I was pretty young.
I think I was in fifth grade and I met this girl, Abby.
And I remember I thought she was really pretty
and she asked me if I would be her boyfriend.
And I remember being, like, kind of relieved
that I was, like, just pairing off boy-girl, you know?
And then I met her brother, Ryan,
and I thought he was really pretty too.
And I remember asking Abby if Ryan liked me
and she totally freaked out.
Which, in hindsight, I get it's, like, kind of fucked up
to ask your little fifth grade girlfriend
if someone else is into you, especially if it's her brother,
um, but there was something about the way that she reacted
that made me feel really gross for even asking.
So, I kind of just, like,
shelved that away for a long time.
Um, if I was, like, into guys,
I-- I didn't act on it or-- or date one until art school.
And I think a big part of that
was that my dad would have murdered me.
- He's homophobic? - Oh, my God.
Yeah. Big time.
Wasn't he your manager?
Yeah, but he never liked the whole Nicki persona.
He went along with it for a long time
because it was his meal ticket, but he never was very approving.
It's so funny.
He's emailing me now because he heard about this book
and he wants to manage Nicki's comeback, so...
Mmm. What kind of comeback?
The kind you wouldn't approve of.
Gigs that might pay me some real money again.
Okay. Um...
I've always wondered what motivated your red carpet stunt.
Oh, God. That was just kind of a "fuck you" to the tabloids.
Like, "Print this, bitch," you know?
Oh, no, no. They indeed did print it.
I think you made them a lot of money, actually.
Well, I mean, it felt like a "fuck you" in the moment.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
God.
Did you plan that in advance?
No. God, no, no, no.
I was-- I was wearing that, like, wrap thing,
and there's something about, like,
all of this artifice around me, and I just had the impulse.
And boom, there I was, naked in front of a bank of paparazzi.
That's most people's--
I mean, at least my nightmare. You know?
How does a moment like that feel?
Honestly, like,
just standing there in just my skin,
like, feeling the flash bulbs and...
I fucking loved it.
It just felt really good.
I wonder whether the act of getting naked for you
comes easier than the labor of connecting emotionally.
Like, it's some kind of, like, shortcut to intimacy and love.
Doesn't sound 100% off base.
There may be some dare there, I guess,
but it was also that whole thing.
It was kind of just fun.
I'm gonna write that down. Fun.
- Yeah. - Okay.
Three letters. F-U-N. Yeah.
I imagine a whole new sexual world opened up
-once you got famous. -Massive understatement.
I have to say, it was pretty exciting to see you
in all these magazines just...
Just using your platform so fiercely,
just-- just to talk about your wide ranging sexuality.
It was- it was-- it was electrifying.
That's very sweet.
A lot of people just thought I was a slut.
But you owned it, right?
I mean, I-- I think that's what-- what I remember most.
You just...
It's so rare to see someone who refuses to hide who they are
and what they want to suit the masses.
You make me sound like pan Jesus.
No, I just want you to understand.
I get it.
I mean, I saw it as just kind of performance art,
but I know that it meant a lot
- to actually a lot of people. - Yeah.
I think they'd never really seen themselves
-in the media. -Hmm.
You must have changed the trajectory of
so many people's lives just by
the radical act of being who you are.
- Hmm. - You know? And-- and I--
and I would love for you to get recognition for that.
I think this book will help with that.
From your questioning so far,
it sounds like this book is just about me jerking off
and my dirty sex secrets.
Yeah, partially, but-- but it does tie into
the cultural impact, the-- the-- the exchange
and interaction you had with your fans,
uh, your sexual exploitation, your highs, your lows.
Wait, what?
What?
I mean, exploitation is...
Well, I-- I saw your career, Nicki. I watched it.
Are you trying to tell me that you weren't exploited
for your body or your sexuality?
I mean, that's just the business.
You kind of make it sound like I'm some kind of, like, victim.
No, not a victim. Survivor.
Okay, that's not really better.
Nic, we have so little time.
Why don't we not try and fit this into
any sort of narrative yet, okay?
Why don't we just finish the interview
and then we'll find the form later on.
Does that sound good?
Okay. All right.
Um, okay. I wanted to ask you--
Do you remember my cousin Jack's wedding?
-Uh... -I was 19.
You and I danced all night
and Aunt Eileen thought we were both on drugs.
Sounds familiar.
I had a reputation for dancing up a storm
at weddings when I was young.
You don't remember anything else
that happened at the wedding?
No.
Why?
I'm just curious.
I was just thinking about victims and survivors...
Okay, Nic, I wanna ask you how, um,
how present was consent in those circles?
Did anyone force themselves on you?
Did you force yourself on anyone?
Are you asking me if I ever raped someone?
No, no, not necessarily just if...
someone coerced you or you coerced someone--
Fucking seriously, Priya?
Look, Nic.
I think it's important to ride the nerve endings
of sex and trauma
instead of pretending like these things don't exist
or these things don't affect us
and the process can be uncomfortable at times.
It is-- it is the process, this is what it looks like.
I think I need to eat something.
Uh, okay.
Do you want me to look into ordering or something, or...
Uh, yeah, fine.
Let me just see what's in your fridge first.
You know, Nic, I've been doing this for so many years
that I probably have become inured to the pain
or maybe I don't realize that everyone else's pain tolerance
is not as high as mine, so I apologize for...
coming off too strong, or...
I certainly did not mean to re-traumatize you, or...
That's okay.
Sometimes I, like, get in my head
and kind of spin out, and I've been through it with Jasper,
so I know how annoying it can be.
Are they thinking ADHD for Jasper?
-They sure are. -Mmm.
And I-- I wanna help him have more control than I do,
and I wanna handle his outbursts better than my dad handled mine,
but it can be so fucking hard, you know?
Like the blind leading the blind sometimes.
I'm sure you're a good dad.
And thank God we all don't become my parents.
I don't know, Priya.
Sometimes I feel like you're ready to spank me.
- Why'd you do that? - Do what?
Flirt to maneuver out of uncomfortable situations.
Oh, my God. Lighten up, Priya. I was just having fun.
So, I've been thinking about titles.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
-Me, too. -Oh, yeah? Go first.
The Nicki of Time.
Right?
Mine is, um, Nicki: A Pansexual (R)Evolution,
with parentheses around the "R."
Oh, my God. You and your parentheses.
I mean, do I even get a say in this?
You know what, neither of us do. The publisher titles it.
Yeah, but they want, like, a Nicki bio, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Biography-cum-cultural intervention.
Cum what?
A cultural intervention. Like how you--
Oh, my God, whatever the fuck that is.
You know, sometimes you really do remind me of your dad.
That's rich.
That's really how to get on my good side,
comparing me to Lewis.
I'm not trying to get on your good side.
You should be.
-Why should I be? -Because you pissed me off.
So let me just set the scenario for you.
You wanted to do this.
We've been talking about it for over six months.
I have rejigged my schedule up and down to accommodate you.
You have canceled on me on three different weekends.
I have drawn up an agreement for you,
an agreement that you signed.
I didn't read that.
Are you kidding?
What? You sent me 15 pages of legal bullshit
and you expect me to read it all?
I don't have a lawyer on staff anymore, Priya.
If you wanna talk about exploitation,
we can have that conversation.
Excuse me, are you accusing me of exploiting you?
Yeah, I kinda am.
Nic...
I am not trying to exploit you.
I promise you that. I think this book is really important.
I think working together,
we can actually deepen the understanding of gender
and sexuality, and yes, sexual exploitation
by delving into your history.
-Which is my story. Mine. -It is your story.
Of course, it is your story,
but if you're not willing to trust me with it,
I don't know what the fuck you're doing here.
Whoa.
Okay. Um...
My chicken nuggets are a little cold,
so I'm gonna heat those up.
Let you cool off a little bit. Jesus.
You know what?
If you want trust here,
there's got to be a give and take.
I cannot go through this again.
All my darker secrets are published.
Priya, we both know that's not true.
Look, if you agree to stop rehashing
all your published bullshit,
I'll talk about Kristen
and we can put that in the book, okay?
Okay.
Yeah?
Whatever, I'm an open book.
-Great. -Yeah.
Cool. Great.
And how about for our afternoon session,
we break out some adult beverages.
Trying to get me drunk?
Mmm. Yeah. So that I can ravage you,
unadmitted rapist that I am.
Pretend you didn't say that.
Okay. I'm gonna get us some drinks
and I'm gonna set us up on the patio, okay?
Let's make this actually fun. Please?
Voilà.
-Nicki... -Oh, yours was way worse.
I'm gonna change and then let's get out on the patio.
I'm gonna sweat my nuts off in this thing.
You really took your sweet time.
I was texting Uncle Aaron.
-On the toilet? -What? No. This is on.
I text on the pot all the time. Gives me something to do.
TMI, Nic.
You just said that I wasn't giving you enough information
and now my bathroom habits are TMI?
What exactly do you want from me, madame?
You think I'm adorable. Admit it!
I think you're incorrigible.
But I actually think it's gonna be good for the book.
Like your truthfulness and brashness. It's all...
I mean, my own work has gotten so theoretical.
I just, this feels like something new
or maybe it's just, I don't know, return to form.
- So, I-- - So, what I was gonna--
Oh, oh. Jinx. You go.
I was just going to say that I am just surprised
that you are at all reticent to talk about sex,
considering the fact that you are the one person
I consider to have no hangups.
I mean, it's sex. Everyone has hangups, right?
Even a big ol' slut like me.
And I use that term endearingly,
by the way, I'm very slut-positive.
Okay. So, how do you feel about your cock?
-My cock? -Mm-hmm.
I'm a fan.
I'm sure you've seen the pictures online.
Me and Reba are tight. We've had some real adventures together.
- Did you say Reba? - Uh-huh.
She's the fancy gal in my trousers.
All right, so you're all good with Reba?
That's so refreshing.
So, do you have any insecurities? Sexually, I mean?
I mean, I'm not really the kind of guy who sits around
thinking about sexual insecurities, you know?
I'm a fucking porn cartoonist.
Literally the only thing I'm good at
is drawing cocks and cunts.
That's not true. You're good at being a model.
- Well, thanks. - Do you still model?
I do, like, commercial work from time to time,
and I have some friends who are painters
and I'll sit for them when they need me to,
stuff like that.
- Do you pose nude? - Of course.
- Of course? - Yeah.
Of course.
See, there's this-- this body confidence just...
amazes me.
It's probably my greatest asset.
Okay, so is-- is your greatest asset your body
or is it the willingness to show it off in public?
- Both? - Uh-huh.
- I guess. - Uh-huh.
I mean, it's certainly not my fine wit
or my ability to pontificate on the finer points of Prowst.
Proust.
Proust. Exactly.
You don't see yourself as more than just a body
when you're moving through the world?
Um, no.
I'm, yeah, I'm more than just a body.
Um, it's hard to explain,'cause you're, like, the opposite?
Like, I mean, you know, you have obviously an amazing body,
but you give so much to the world,
and, like, get its-- its reaction through your thoughts
and your writing, and I-- I-- I just, I don't.
Like, at this point in my life,
my greatest intellectual achievement is, like,
giving someone a brief chuckle
while they scroll through a porn site looking for pussy pics.
You know? But when I get naked,
I feel like, I don't know,
I can make people be even more confident
in their own bodies, you know?
And with the posing stuff for my friends,
it's, I don't know, I can contribute to great or--
I mean, at least semi-interesting art?
And turn people on.
- Yeah. - Uh-huh.
That can be part of it.
Yeah, I think we might be opposite.
I'd like some of that, you know.
My most profound experiences happen internally.
Meaning like what?
Like, the endless cogitating and, y-- you know,
it used to be such a blessing with Aaron
because both of us would just perish into our works.
Our marriage is so low-drama, but...
But what?
I don't know, maybe that's the problem,
-you know? -Mmm.
We're isolated. We're far apart.
-We're-- we're so independent. -Mmm.
Just recently... I've just been wanting more, you know?
Mmm, yeah, I completely relate.
Yeah, but the difference is
you're living fully in the world, right?
Like, that's why I wanna write this book.
You're always living in and engaging with the world.
That is magnetic.
Thank you.
That's literally the nicest thing
anyone has ever said about me.
But it's so funny hearing you say that
because it almost sounds or feels like
you're talking about someone else.
It's like, a lot of the time
it feels like I'm, like, I'm in this dark room
watching my body go on these adventures apart from me.
It's like my body is this romance novel hero,
but my brain is this...
bag boy from Peoria.
Metaphorical Peoria. Does that make sense?
Are you high?
I am a little high.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Are you too high to have a meaningful conversation?
Have you never been high before?
It makes me sleepy.
Oh, really? It makes me relaxed and deep and thoughtful.
- Okay, well, that's good. - Uh-huh.
Just don't try to take advantage of me.
Do you know what I really want?
I wanna be famous again.
That was the best part about the whole Nicki thing,
was I felt like I was actually good at something
and-- and then I got paid for it.
I always wondered why you cut that Nicki thing so short
and why it just mysteriously disappeared.
I wanna be rich again, too.
Like, really fucking rich.
You know, my dad and I actually,
we have this whole TV pitch planned
for when our book becomes a big hit, so.
Um, did I tell you that Kristen lost her job?
Yeah, we're actually, um...
We're pretty severely fucked
if I-- if I don't start making some money.
I mean, I shouldn't be worried about,
like, traditional gender roles and shit,
but there's something
about not being able to provide for my family
that's actually so emasculating.
I don't know, it almost feels like we're playing house
and she's gonna realize that playtime's over
and she's gonna pack up her toys and go back home.
Mmm.
- Yeah. - Mmm.
I told you I would talk about me and Kristen.
Now let's make this book
a fucking biography-cum-cultural revolution
so I don't have to deal with the other stuff, please.
I found your scotch.
Hmm. Drunk and high. Okay.
Just enough to make me an open book, I promise.
-Back to it? -Yep.
I've always wondered how Kristen feels about your pansexuality?
Mmm, I mean, she's a lot like me.
She's tried everything under the sun except settling down.
And how come you wanted to try that?
Uh, 'cause I got her pregnant.
Um, yeah, our relationship was always, like,
super boundary-less and open and fun and then, you know,
when she was with child,
um, and we had to make that decision,
we kind of thought that the most transgressive
and radical thing that we could do
would be the most traditional.
See, I always thought you would settle down with a man.
Why?
I don't know, I just assumed--
That I was really just gay and that dating other genders
was my way of not dealing with it?
No, there was a point in time I thought you were transgender.
-Oh. -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I mean, I get that,
but no, that was never really part of my journey.
Um, you're probably the only person in my family, though,
who would have been okay with that, so thank you.
I appreciate that.
I always felt that you and I had more in common than--
than any other two members of that family.
Absolutely. You don't have an NRA bumper sticker.
But still, there's so much--
Like, there feels like a-- a chasm still.
Like, stuff that about you I can't...
Um, for example, like, I always wanna ask you about pan,
the-- the "all" aspect of your sexuality, you know?
I think I hit up against that because of my upbringing,
and even though I spent so much time studying it
and especially preparing for this conversation,
I guess...
Do different people have a different pull on you?
Women, men, non-binary?
Um, I've always been more attracted to
the spirit of the person than the gender.
-You know? -Yeah, I just don't buy it,
-I'm sorry. -What don't you buy?
I guess this whole, like, spirit thing. This whole, like...
Are you saying that it feels too, like, woo-woo?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Let me try and think of concrete examples.
-Would that be helpful? -Mm-hmm.
Okay, when I was in art school before I went,
I thought for sure that I was gay, you know?
Like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, dicks-only gay, gay, gay.
But then in my sculpture class, I met this woman named Odyssey.
Her name was Odyssey?
Well, no, her name was really Beth,
but it was art school, so, you know.
Um, but... yeah, when I met her,
I remember being, like, shocked and a little surprised,
and then I was like, "Who the fuck am I to judge myself,"
you know? Like, why not just ride the wave
and if I'm attracted to her because of who she is,
I'm gonna just follow that, you know?
I mean, surely you've surprised yourself
when you've, like, crossed over sexual boundaries or something?
Um, I-- I mean, of course I've met women in my life
that I am drawn to, but I-- I wouldn't imagine, um...
crossing that barrier.
So I'm wondering how, you know, coming from where you come from,
with a dad that's homophobic,
how do you cross all those multiple lines
that society sets out for you and family set out for you?
You just cross it.
For me, it feels like Everest.
For you, it's just like, oh, crossing the street.
-Truly. -Mmm.
Can we get into the mechanics of it?
Like, what is sex like with someone who's transgender
- or non-binary, what's... - I feel like
even the way that you're thinking about it is gendered.
Like, sex doesn't have to be as clinical
as you're looking at it.
It's not about, like, what goes in where
and who has what equipment, like, you're-- you're--
What is it about, then?
Well, I dated a person named Rae, and they were--
they were a fem-presenting dom top, and they--
Sex with them was actually, like, a revelation.
They had no boundaries at all.
Nothing was off-limits,
and they would tell me exactly what they wanted.
And it was incredible in the bedroom,
but then outside of the bedroom, the lines got a little blurred,
and they would take that sense of telling me what to do
in a very literal manner.
So I would find myself, like, having to clean their toilet
or, like, one time when they said that I had to go out
and get them a milkshake even when I had the flu.
I had, like, a 103-degree fever,
and I was there, and I ordered the wrong milkshake flavor,
and when I brought it back, they lost their shit.
So actually, maybe that's a terrible example.
Do you perceive yourself as a masochist?
Um, I mean, yeah,
I definitely have played the sub multiple times,
like, pantyhose--
Emotional. Emotional masochist.
Uh, I don't really know what that means,
but clearly you think I am that.
I think we have that in common.
I don't know that you're a masochist, though, are you?
You're giving me, like, full dom energy today.
An emotional masochist is someone who will get into, uh,
situations and relationships where they will suffer.
It's very-- It's common among, um, survivors of abuse.
Mmm. I feel like you use that as an excuse a lot.
Maybe people just are who they are.
- And who are you, then? - Who am I?
I am a guy who doesn't have the same limits
that other people place on themselves.
Or maybe the fact that you were violated
at such a young age provided you a learned experience
where people could trespass over your boundaries
and do what they wanted with your body.
-Well-- Whoa, careful. -Sorry.
Whatever. I mean, models need people to do stuff
with their bodies and they need to be comfortable with it,
so maybe my trauma ended up being
incredibly beneficial to my career.
Have you ever thought about that?
I mean, I-- My head keeps going back to,
where the hell was your dad in all of this?
Like where-- where-- Was he protecting?
- What-- Where was Lewis? - No, Lewis was more
interested in the, like, fucking models
and, like, doing coke at parties and that kind of stuff,
which was actually kind of this, like,
weird fucked-up bonding thing for us for a while
'cause he never really seemed to like me much
before then, um...
Yeah, it ended up being ultimately incredibly toxic,
and, uh, my mom really got the shit end on that stick.
She doesn't really like talking about the Nicki era.
I mean, I get it. I basically tore the family apart, so.
I think that blame falls
squarely on your dad's shoulders.
No, I mean, if I hadn't gotten famous,
then it wouldn't have...
manifested the way it did for her.
And yet, here you are, wanting to get famous again.
-Yeah. -Mmm.
It's kind of addictive, isn't it?
So, I didn't wanna push before...
But I do want to know about the pitch.
No.
-No. -Come on.
No, you'll just shit on it.
-I won't shit on it. -And I don't really...
-Promise? -Mm-hmm.
Okay. Um, the idea is that I would have guests,
um, come on and they would tell me their dirty sex secrets
and then I would animate those sex secrets and it would be,
like, kind of a combo of reality TV and edgy porn.
The fact that I hate it so much means it will be a success.
So rude.
You wanna be famous again too. I can tell.
Not famous, but just read.
Ah.
I miss having an impact on the world.
Mmm. That's so noble.
It doesn't have to be about the world.
Oh.
What?
-Who was that? -Oh, no one. Sorry.
-You sure? -Yeah.
You just made a really weird face.
-You good? -I made a weird face?
You almost knocked your wine glass over.
How are you doing?
Huh? How many glasses of wine have you had, drunkie?
It's okay. You're cute when you're tipsy.
Mmm, just a little tipsy.
Mmm. I've never been drunk before.
If you're drunk, maybe you're in the right headspace
to tell me about your masochism.
Emotional masochism.
Come on! Come on.
You're telling me you've never looked at BDSM porn?
-Sure, but for work. -Ah.
It's strictly-- strictly professional... interest.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
So Uncle Aaron has never helped you explore
this strictly professional interest?
So you've never explored it, then?
Maybe you have, but just not with Aaron.
Do you keep secrets from Kristen?
Maybe.
Such as...
Um...
Let's just say that cartoon porn pays significantly less
than Kristen thinks it does.
But you have another source of income?
- Maybe. - Is it salacious?
Maybe.
And now we both know enough about each other to...
make both of our marriages incredibly uncomfortable,
so...
By the way, all that, like-- The BDSM stuff,
-it's kind of mainstream now. -Yeah?
Yeah, it's 50 shades of vanilla.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
-Oh, well, that's good. -It's fun.
Yeah, I need to say good night to my kids before
-it gets too late, I think. -Yeah.
Maybe do a FaceTime with Great Aunt Priya?
No.
-Come on! -Nope.
Great Aunt Priya is tipsy.
I like FaceTiming when I'm tipsy.
Oh! Look like Kathy Bates playing Wolverine.
Ugh. Rough.
Okay. All right. Well, I gotta go.
Tell your mom I said goodnight, okay, bud?
- Bye! - All right, bye.
Aww.
I remember when Laurel was that age.
Just running wild already.
Mmm, yeah. Jasper is so high-energy that if--
uh, if I'm not watching him every minute,
he will actually run right under a moving truck.
If Jocelyn doesn't bulldoze him herself.
She is such a bossy little thing.
What?
It's nothing. My mom used to call me bossy.
It's just a trigger, that's all.
-Oh. -That's all.
-Sorry. Shit. -No, please no.
She'd be so worried about me doing anything to upset my dad.
She had no idea he was getting off on it,
and she was just so intent on making everything my fault,
-so... -God. So sorry.
I, uh, I hope I don't make Jocelyn feel that way.
I, uh, I love that she has a mind of her own.
It can be intimidating for boys, you know?
The reason why a lot of boys kinda, like, stayed away from--
Well, you know what?
Could've been the acne and the bad glasses.
I do not remember acne or bad glasses.
I mean, they were gone by the time I married into your family,
-but... -Yeah, they definitely were.
What I remember most on that first trip when you came to
our house was my mom talking about how gorgeous you were.
- No mention of acne or glasses. - Aww. Love your mom.
And I remember my dad repeatedly saying that he hoped he didn't
have to talk to you about your sex book.
And that same trip, do you remember,
you were sitting outside painting your toenails...
-Uh-huh. -...and I came out and I must've
been, like, staring so intently
because you offered to paint mine too.
What were you, like, 14 or something?
Younger, I think.
There was something about that trip that left a huge...
like, a pretty big impact on me, I guess, actually, 'cause you--
you talked to me like I was an adult,
which just hadn't really happened in my family before,
and you-- you kind of made me feel like I was less, like,
wrong.
Not to get too woo-woo about it, but...
Thank you.
Uh-huh. I wish I saw you more back then.
-I wish I saw you more. -I don't think I saw you again
until the wedding.
Jack's wedding, when we danced the night away.
You keep bringing that up.
That wedding was a total disaster. I wish I hadn't gone.
That time was such a mess.
My second book had just come out,
it hadn't been received as well as Patriarchy had.
Aaron was in London again on a research gig.
But Jack was getting married to my cousin Rachel--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Rachel was your cousin?
She was my cousin. Did you not know that?
I mean, I guess I must've...
Did you not notice my father was there?
-Did you not meet him there? -I did.
I mean, he was old, but he wasn't senile.
Yet. But he was still terrifying.
- Is that why you got so drunk? - Mmm.
The whole night is one big blur.
Come on.
You do remember dancing with me, right?
I do remember thinking you were really sweet,
and beautiful, and so fun.
Do you remember, uh,
dropping your purse
at the wedding?
The purse with your room key in it?
You know, I-- I...
I, uh...
I used-- I used the key.
You know?
I-- I mean, I-- I was 19, and I just, like--
My hot aunt had been flirting with me, and I-- I guess I...
I wanted to see if, um...
um, but, I saw...
Wow, okay.
You saw that?
I-- I did-- I didn't-- I didn't see much.
But I just saw you on the bed,
and your dad...
I-- I got out of there.
Just dropped your purse and ran away.
Nic, it wasn't sex.
Okay?
I want you to know that it was never sex.
Okay.
So it-- it wasn't sexual at all, then?
I swear I'm not judging you.
Priya...
but, can I ask,
um, did that just keep going
from-- from when you were little, or...
No. No.
Almost never.
Almost?
Fuck, Nic...
I never wanted you to see that.
I never wanted anyone to see that.
I mean, I know it's not easy, but I actually,
I-- I kind of like talking to you about this.
It-- it makes me feel like you trust me,
and that-- that I can trust you too.
You know,
I've never really talked to anyone...
about what you saw.
I've never written about it in any of my books.
I mean, I-- I've written about the hitting
and the pleasure it seemed to give him,
but I could never admit
just how it connected fear and pleasure for me.
Sometimes after he'd hit me, I'd go hide out and...
...masturbate.
Thought that was totally normal.
You know, we just-- We're kids.
We just think everything's so normal,
and as I grew up, I just...
I realized it wasn't normal, and what was happening was bad,
and what he was doing was bad, and what I was doing was bad,
but...
No.
Yeah, it was bad.
I did it anyway. I just felt like shit.
I felt dirty. I felt sick.
I felt like a pervert.
No, you weren't doing anything wrong.
You were just a kid, you know?
I mean, I-- I think about my kids, and they-- they're--
they're just built to love, you know? They just...
They're meant to trust, and...
You-- you didn't do anything wrong.
Your dad is the fucked up one.
You know that, right?
And yet you don't know it.
It's exhausting.
Seriously.
So, is-- is that part of sex for you now?
Getting spanked?
God.
I hate that word.
What word do you prefer?
Like, whipped?
Hit.
I'm the one who gets hit.
Do you ever think of just telling Aaron
what it is that you like?
Well, okay, "like" is not the word I'd use.
It's, um...
I don't know. I don't know what it is. It's maybe...
Satisfying? I don't know.
Yeah.
Aaron would never understand.
He's such a good guy, you know?
He'd never understand.
He'd think he did something wrong. He...
I don't know.
He'd never forgive me.
I mean, my readers wouldn't understand either.
I go around presenting myself
as such a goddamn feminist role model.
Hey.
Who says a feminist can't enjoy a good spanking once in a while?
Oh, I've done enough reading to know that
there's a version of hitting that is about
female consent and female empowerment
that's not connected to trauma and abuse,
but that's not what I am up to.
Mine is deeply rooted in...
the desires of men.
It is deeply rooted in...
my fractures.
God.
Must be really...
hard to be able to do that.
Do what?
Analyze yourself.
Diagnose yourself.
It's my job.
Yeah, but, I mean...
does it leave you any room for
pleasure, or...
Hmm.
No. I guess not.
It's a shame.
I think you deserve that.
Tell me about the text you got.
Um,
so you know how Lewis was my manager?
Um...
he's kind of...
like, my pimp, too.
I, uh,
I make most of my money these days
as, like, uh, an online escort,
for grown-up fans of Nicki.
People your dad finds?
He kept a list over the years of Nicki's fan club,
and, um,
he sent them little messages saying,
"chat with Nicki."
You know, and then people would then ask for more,
and they'd offer to pay more.
So...
- And Kristen doesn't-- - No.
-Mm-hmm. -It's just online.
Online can be real too.
That's true.
So when Aaron is away, do you ever...
find anyone to-- to hit you for real?
Is that something you want?
I gotta go to sleep.
Let's pick it up in the morning, okay?
- Hi. - Hey.
Hello.
Do you know what this is like?
This is like the morning after a one night stand,
when you wake up next to someone and you're like,
"Wait, what just happened?
-Who are you?" -Oh, my God.
I don't know how you got me to talk so much.
Or drink so much.
Come on. You had three glasses of wine.
Who is it?
-It's the home. -Uh-huh.
Busy avoiding them.
-Is he okay? -Mm-hmm, yeah, he's okay.
He's totally confused. Deeply senile.
He keeps asking about me,
which is why they're probably calling so much.
Yikes. When was the last time you saw him?
Um... six months ago?
I had gone over to tell him that I was trying to forgive him,
and he looked at me like he had no idea who the fuck I was.
Well, I could tell my words struck some kind of chord
'cause he started shouting at me,
telling me to get out of his sight.
Nurse had to lead me out and I haven't been back since.
Yikes.
You know, the fact that I can stay away this long
when I know that he's dying in there
makes me feel like a bit of a sociopath.
I had all these people, all these survivors,
tell me how they cut off ties with their abusers
after reading my book,
and here I am, just...
shelling out for this high-end place.
I totally get it.
Like, my brain is obviously very aware of
all the fucked up stuff Lewis has done,
but at the same time,
if he hadn't found this alternate source of income,
-I would be so broke. -Mm-hmm.
And, uh... voilà.
-Very nice. Very nice. -Thank you.
-Let me do yours. -Mm-mm.
Come on. We do nails all the time with the kids. Come on.
I'm really fascinated by all these
-online encounters of yours. -Mmm.
Do you like your clients? How-- how do you feel about them?
I, uh...
I like a lot of them.
Some of them, they're, like, the highlight of my day.
The way that they...
I don't know, gaze at me,
it makes me feel interesting and...
important.
Like you.
Have I been gazing at you?
I've been gazing back, in case you hadn't noticed.
I see what you're doing.
What am I doing?
You're talking to me and looking at me like I'm one of them.
One of those online Nicki fans of yours.
You aren't a Nicki fan?
Can I ask you a question?
At that wedding, you were coming on to me, right?
That was not just dancing.
And this weekend...
all these little moments, like...
when you unbuttoned your blouse
when you thought I wasn't looking.
And...
Fuck, it's Aaron.
Hey!
Why'd you do that?
-Why did I do what? -Act all ashamed,
like I was a goddamn porn site or something?
Because my husband called?
Look, Nic.
What we were doing, what we were starting to do,
where you were taking us, was not okay.
-Wait, where I was taking us? -Okay? By any--
So you had nothing to do with it?
-I-- I'm just saying-- -Okay, I'm gonna own it.
If I-- if I had wanted something to happen in there, I--
Or last night. I-- I don't think
it would be anything to be ashamed of.
We're both happy to be married.
-I mean, at least I am. -I'm married too.
I'm not saying that it would've been right, I'm just saying
that there's no sense in guilting yourself for
the wanting part of it, okay? I feel like you work so hard
to resist all your impulses, Priya--
-Could you just stop this? -Stop what?
Can you just stop making everything okay?
Will you stop collapsing every boundary known to mankind? Okay?
We all just-- We need-- we need structure so there's no chaos.
We need to have some rules to live by. Okay?
Oh, my God, you're so hard on yourself.
You're so fucking easy on yourself!
Nic, if Aaron was ever to
find out about whatever that was...
I-- I would never.
Look, I don't want to blow up your life.
But is that honestly your life?
Your marriage?
You preach total honesty,
but you won't even talk for real to your husband.
I-- I think in every marriage,
there are things that are left unsaid.
Things like a whole secret BDSM life?
That is not my life.
-That is not my life. -Isn't it?
-No.
Isn't that part of everyone's life?
The secret shit?
Because you're so honest
-with your secret shit? -Oh, my God.
See, you don't get it, Nic.
Aaron is the one thing that keeps me in the world,
and I can't risk losing him.
I can't risk losing Kristen either.
I'm just saying you need to own your shit.
Okay, fine. Do you want me to confess?
- Yes! - What do you want me
to confess? What-- what do you-- what do you want me to confess?
That-- that I'm not totally honest with what I want? Sure.
That-- that something just happened, something fucked up
just happened between us and it was sexual? Yes.
Like all my other encounters? Sure. Is that what you want,
that I'm not faithful to Aaron? You happy?
Maybe you're faithful to yourself.
- Oh, God. - Your real self, kind of.
I can't--
I can't have that
be my real self.
Like, do you understand that?
I-- I-- That-- that part of me is too tainted.
It-- it is just mixed up with my dad.
That-- that part of myself is too broken.
I-- I know what you're saying, I know what you're trying to
get me to do, but I-- I can't have that.
You know what? We've spent way too much time off the record.
We're-- We gotta get back. I-- I don't even know
if we have anything here.
I gotta find if we have anything here, and-- and you--
you have to leave soon. We have a timeline.
-Uh... -Unbelievable.
Why don't we, uh, get back to
your, uh, babysitters and-- and your baths?
Um... yeah. Let's.
- Do you... - What?
I don't know. Do you-- do you, um...
How long did it go on for? The abuse.
I don't know. Eventually they moved away.
I think I was, like, six or seven.
Did you ever see them again? As an adult, I mean.
Yeah, actually. Once I saw Mrs. Ellison.
Aunt Carol, she had me call her.
Um, it was at this big blowout party
that my dad threw for Nicki.
It was-- You know, after the divorce,
my agent, the real agent that I had dropped me
'cause I kept showing up late and fucking up big gigs--
-Why did you do that? -Mmm, 'cause I, um...
I really started to believe my own importance in the world,
which, turns out I'd vastly overestimated.
Is this just before you quit?
Yeah.
You know what? Fuck it.
I've never really told anyone, not the whole thing, but, yeah.
-I can turn it off. -Record it.
This is what you want, right?
Um...
Okay, yeah, I was at this, uh-- this big blowout party
that my dad threw for Nicki, and I see Aunt Carol come in,
and I-- I see that she's kind of scared of me,
and I...
I start, like, kind of getting off on her being scared
and I start flirting with her pretty seriously. I'm--
I probably would've slept with the old bag
if my dad hadn't seen what was going on and--
and come over and steered me away from her
and pawned me off on the Nicki fan club, and...
I swear I never did this. Ever. Ever.
But that night, I found myself
hitting on this kid.
I mean, he wasn't a child by any means,
but he was definitely...
He was-- he was not old enough
for me to be flirting with, and--
and I remember staring at these bushes in the backyard,
and, um...
Um...
Back when I was a kid, there was this little neighbor girl
who was younger than me-- like, six-- and...
one time, I-- I led her into those bushes
and we... played doctor.
But after she pulled down her pants, she got really scared.
She just ran away
and never came back.
So I was at the party and this kid was flirting with me,
and-- and I-- I...
I remember looking at those bushes and...
-Did you take him there? -No! No, no, no. I...
I almost did, but I...
I kind of...
I, like, staggered over to them and I fell into them.
And I-- I remember
laying there and looking up at those same fucking bushes
that I had made that girl take her pants off in,
and I just...
I knew that
I had-- I had to get away, or...
or I was-- I was gonna turn into one of them.
Like, a-- a monster.
And so I-- I got myself a cab
and I got to the airport and I flew away.
-Where'd you go? -I went to Kristen's.
She got it more than anyone else, you know?
Just needing to...
take a break from that whole world.
Um, I mean, I-- I think,
like, I--
I really fucking think that I--
I saved my own life that night.
And I...
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have regrets, or...
maybe think my dad was right.
That I blew it.
Um...
Nic.
Yeah?
At the wedding,
I danced with you like that
because I wanted him to punish me.
When--
when I was writing about him, I was remembering all the pain,
and I couldn't really help but remember all the rest,
and I wanted my second book to be about that,
about all the secrets shit that he smeared on me.
But I, uh...
I just lost my nerve, and I...
You know, it showed.
People were just disappointed at shit that I wrote,
and so at the wedding,
I decided to throw myself back into the lion's den.
And I thought if I could just experience it
as an adult...
Then maybe I could understand it.
Finally.
But it made things so much worse.
Because I had always felt, uh, complicit.
But I could justify it
and-- and say that I was a kid or a teenager, but...
I was an adult.
And I am trying to
reconcile with that fact,
and I keep...
failing.
So there you have it.
That's my... secretest of secret shit.
Uh...
Yeah.
Maybe--
maybe we could go take a walk or something.
- Mmm. - I, um...
I'm feeling a little fried from the...
fighting the nerve endings or whatever.
I, uh...
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go pee,
and then...
we can go get some fresh, non-traumatized air.
Okay.
Nic, your phone is ringing.
It's Kristen. Do you want me to get it?
No. No, I'll be right down.
I danced with you like that
because I wanted him to punish me.
When I was writing about him, I was remembering all the pain,
and I couldn't really help but remember all the rest,
and I wanted my second book to be about that,
about all the secrets shit that he smeared on me.
But I, uh... I just lost my nerve, and I...
You know, it showed--
Look...
I've been so careful.
I've been so careful
not to record you when you don't wanna be recorded, and...
I mean, I-- I wasn't gonna do anything with it.
-What was this for? -I just-- It was, like--
I mean...
I was gonna-- I was--
I was gonna maybe use it for the show as, like, um...
like, a proof of concept sort of thing.
You know, only if you liked it.
Which, obviously, you don't. So, I, uh...
You were gonna use this as a proof of concept?
Um...
You know, I-- I, uh, I thought--
I didn't-- I didn't think that...
And-- and all that stuff? All that stuff. What was that?
The-- the seducing me and the-- and the manipulating me,
-was that... -No.
I'm--
It might have started out that way,
but then, I mean, obviously something real happened.
It-- I came into it thinking it would be good practice,
but then I thought that--
You were seducing me for practice?
I mean, at first, but then-- Look, can you give me the--
This is such a fucking violation--
-Can you give me the phone? -Nic, get away.
Do you have any idea what you just did?
I, um...
I-- I just-- I-- I didn't think there was any harm
-in recording it. -No, why would you?
You're a cis white man.
No accountability for jack shit. Why would you?
It's just that you have all the cards here.
-What cards? -You have-- you have this.
-That? -You know?
That is reference audio
that you gave me consent for!
Because we're writing a book together.
-Yeah. -As partners.
Or we were writing a book together.
Wait, we still are. You can't just quit like that--
Fuck!
Okay.
You wouldn't know a boundary if it hit you in the fucking face.
Okay.
Okay. We're-- we're-- we're done here.
-No, Priya, please. -This is what we're gonna do.
We are going to unlock this phone,
and we are going to delete this video.
I don't--
-I don't think we need to-- -Nic, listen to me.
Will you please unlock this phone?
-I'm sorry. -Okay.
It's deleted.
Yeah.
Listen...
Hello?
Yeah, it is Priya.
Um, I know you've been trying to reach me,
but I actually don't wanna s--
Oh. Um... Oh, okay.
Sounds good. That is a good option.
Um, yeah, I think we should go ahead and do that.
Next-- Thank you. That'd be great.
Okay, thank you so much.
Okay, bye.
Was that the home?
Turns out there is a single room that's available.
Waiting list was long, so.
He might as well be comfortable while I'm not visiting him.
I mean, he doesn't deserve it, but...
yeah, I guess let him be comfortable.
Oh, Nic. Who are we to say who deserves what?
Listen...
I feel like you've spent all weekend, like,
trying to find the worst shit that happened to me
so that you can link it to my modeling career and my sex life.
Like, you're-- you're trying to find the source of my defect,
but...
I don't know, I-- I don't really think that I'm defective.
And... for what it's worth,
I don't really think that you're defective either.
I just...
I hope you can detach that from what happened with your dad.
'Cause, I mean, you gotta allow yourself pleasure.
No matter what happened before.
Look,
I know that I've-- I've fucked this whole thing up,
and I'm--
I'm really, hugely,
ridiculously sorry.
But...
I'm not really sorry about the other stuff.
And I hope you aren't either.
I, uh...
Even if our book doesn't happen--
which I think would be a real shame--
that other book that you keep not writing,
the-- the secretest of the secret shit one?
I think that would be a great book.
Thank you, Nic.
I'd buy it.
Yes, but would you read it?
Can't promise you on that.
I don't know...
It's kind of freeing to see that you have your own shit,
just like everybody does.
You find that freeing?
I find it depressing.
-You look kind of depressed. -Yeah, my life's a fucking mess.
So your life's a mess.
So what?
Maybe it's not about going from being broken to being fixed.
Maybe it's about, like...
going from broken to being okay with-- with being broken.
Pretty astute for a bag boy from Peoria.
Metaphorical Peoria.
-I think I'm all talked out. -Me too.
You know what? I've got another idea.
Oh, Nic, no. I'm sorry, whatever you're thinking--
I'm actually-- I'm not thinking at all, actually.
I think "Fuck thinking."
I think "Fuck thinking, fuck talking."
Come on.
-Come on. -Oh, no.
You're the one who wants to live more in your body.
Come on, Priya. Remember how free
you used to feel on the dance floor?
You're missing out.
Come on, Priya!
Just... let go.