[slow rock music playing]
[chuckles]
- You do know this isn't a church, right? - [chuckles]
Uh, vodka and ginger ale, please.
Coming right up.
[ice clinking]
Here you go.
- [Hana] There you go. - Thank you.
[chuckles] You're reading Breaking Dawn?
Oh, somebody left it here.
You know, it's pretty confusing, actually.
A bunch of characters just come out of nowhere.
You know there are several books before that one, right?
Uh, I do. Yes.
Well, if you like books...
Ah, yes. The original fantasy book.
And also involves characters coming out of nowhere.
[school bell rings]
[students chattering]
Hey.
Look at you. Next great ceramicist in the making.
[scoffs] Yeah, I don't think so.
What ever happened to doing something just because you like to?
Right.
I think it's important to know what brings you satisfaction.
Even in the difficult times.
"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy." That's, uh, 2 Corinthians 6--
Yeah, the Bible.
You know what I love about the Bible?
I love how there's, like, nothing wrong with it,
especially the part about the wives who aren't virgins getting stoned.
It's, like... [kisses] ...chef's kiss.
Look, I'm not trying to check up on you. I-- [stammers]
Your dad said you'd been having a tough time
this summer since the loss of Kolton.
- He told you that? - I know you've been dealing with a lot.
And I know you also might feel like an outsider, coming back to school.
I can think of someone else who felt like an outsider.
If you say "Jesus," I swear to God...
I was talking about myself.
You know, when I moved to Deerfield I f-- I felt very out of place.
So why did you stay here?
And why did you come here in the first place?
And, if you don't mind me asking, why did you become a priest?
Uh, this is about you, Trina. My life isn't really important here.
Really?
'Cause you're basically like the poster boy
for the machine right now.
I mean, you must be pretty stoked. All publicity is good publicity, right?
Although maybe not for priests.
[inhales, exhales]
[Dusty] Hmm. [clicks tongue, sighs] All right.
That's not bad. That's not bad at all.
What's all the fuss about?
That-- [breathing heavily]
[sniffles]
Oh, shoot, that's hot!
Oh! [panting] Oh, right in the nozzies.
[panting continues]
Oh! [chuckles] What do they put in that? Okay.
Oh, my God, this is silly. This is-- This isn't right.
Oh. Oi yoi yoi.
[sighs, groans]
- Mmm. - What am I looking at here?
Nothing, I was just chomping on some hot wings.
Which I didn't mind, actually.
- Did you get a tattoo? - [sighs] Well, it was-- Yeah.
Surprise! It's for-- It's for your mom.
- Why does it say, "I love Poo"? - It doesn't say, "I love Poo."
- It says, "I love Poo." - No, it's going to say, "I love Puff."
Which is what I used to call your mom. Except, it turns out that the human ribs
are an extraordinarily painful place to get a tattoo. So, I had to tap out.
You could always change it to, "I love pussy."
Trina.
- Unless you don't. - Trina, don't do that.
Hey.
What's going on? Why are you shirtless?
Ah. I was just eating wings and things got out of hand.
Dad got half a tattoo for you.
Gonna give you guys room so you can bone it out.
Uh... Can I see?
It was meant to be a surprise, but, um, okay.
- You ready? - Okay. [chuckles]
"I love..."
Puff!
It's gonna say, "I love Puff."
I have to go back for another session because they ran out of ink.
Did I say something that made you think that I wanted this?
- N-No-- Not-- I mean, not explicitly. - Oh.
I just-- I wanted to do something romantic,
and something unexpected and something that showed you
- that I loved you. [chuckles] - I love you, too.
- And this really is a surprising gesture. - Right.
And so permanent.
That's why, I don't know,
I feel like maybe-- maybe this should be, like, the last puffin-related thing
that you do for me.
Wha-- What do you mean?
Well, you know, just in terms of, like, puffin gifts.
And the nickname, "Puff," which I thought we had retired.
But, um,
it's mainly because I only really said that I thought they were cute one time.
- Oh, my God. [chuckles] - [chuckles]
O-Okay. Uh, no.
I mean, that's-- that's-- that's fine.
- I'm glad you told me now. - Yeah?
Yeah, 'cause now all we need to do is--
is to dispose of 20 years of utterly pointless romantic gestures,
starting with this little fella.
- Oh. Okay. - In we go.
Maybe you don't have to get rid of everything.
No, no, no. You're absolutely right, baby. I mean... [sighs]
It's pathetic holding on to stuff like this
just because we had it on our first date.
- Yeah, the whole puffin thing is dead. - Dusty.
Definitely need to lose some of these stuffed bastards.
- You-- You don't have to-- - Puffin calendar, trash.
Puffin notebook I got you for your anniversary, trash.
I am getting hot sauce on everything, by the way.
- Dusty. - Puffin crackers.
Sure you wanna be done with these?
- I don't really eat those. - Great. Done. Anything else?
There's more over here.
Yes, there-- there are more things. And they're everywhere.
But, sweetie, you don't have to throw them away.
Baby, I'm not trying to upset you.
Oh, yeah, fuck! No. My side. It's-- The ink is still fresh.
Oh. I don't-- I don't know what's going on with you.
Nothing is going on with me.
[sighs]
You said that thing about how we should still be able to surprise each other.
Mm-hmm.
Feels like you're the only one doing surprises.
I mean, firstly you get the "royalty" card,
and you keep it to yourself.
- Oh, Dusty. - And then there's the hot wings bombshell.
And then you're suddenly cheerleading at the basketball.
And you get a new haircut, which is gorgeous, by the way.
Thank you.
People, because of this machine, are quitting their jobs.
They're moving away.
They're ending their long-term relationships
and diving into new ones willy-nilly.
- Oh, you heard. - Heard what?
We are gathered here
at Giorgio's Italian Restaurant and Sports Center
to celebrate the union of Principal Patricia Burgess
and Mr. Farid Malik,
whose love has been blessed by the grace of God.
A-And the MORPHO machine.
[all chuckling]
[sighs] Oh, Farid. My love.
When I first got my "biker" potential,
I thought it was the greatest thing that could have ever happened.
Then, when I got into my accident, I thought it was the worst thing
that could have ever happened.
But if I hadn't have smacked my head and gone to the hospital,
then I would have never met you.
- Haven't they known each other for years? - [shushes]
What if you hadn't have gotten "lover" as your life potential?
Maybe you wouldn't have stayed up with me all night.
Holding my hand. Making sure I didn't fall asleep.
[Pat chuckles]
- We talked about everything. - [guest] Yeah!
And I knew, then and there, that my true life potential was with you.
Are you sure you're not concussed?
[laughing]
As these two lovebirds have so beautifully demonstrated,
the MORPHO machine, like the Lord, works in mysterious ways.
And one wonders if it's all part of some grander plan
or just completely random.
Mmm. Uh, like the morpho butterfly, Pat and Farid's love has taken flight,
and we can only hope
that they are potentially together forever.
- [attendee] Yeah. Hear. - [crowd cheering, laughing]
[chuckles]
[Reuben] Would you all like to exchange rings?
[gasps] Oh. We're actually going to exchange wings.
[both chuckling]
Here we go.
[giggles]
Wonderful.
- Hey, Father. - Hey, Father.
- Excuse me, Father. - You just said the machine is God,
and I know you're close to God, so...
I really don't have anything to do with the machine.
Father, I'd love to pick your brain, very quickly-- very quickly--
about the mysteries of the universe.
- [chuckles] - I got "florist."
Now, I'm thinking florist, flowers, petals.
Bikes have pedals. I'm a biker. So, I'm doing the right thing, right?
- Yeah. Sorry, but-- - Excuse me, Father.
[people, overlapping] Father.
All right, people.
How about we let Father Reuben enjoy the party, huh?
Drinks, drinks, drinks, drinks.
- I'll take one. - Okay.
Didn't know I would see you here.
Yeah. When Mr. Malik asked me to come, I thought he meant as a guest, but...
So, you're enjoying this about as much as I am?
- Oh, yeah. - Mmm.
- Just waiting for my turn on the gondola. - [chuckles]
So, they got together a week ago, and now they're married? That's fun.
Mmm. Yeah. Well, I don't know. They seem very in love.
- [Dusty] Mm-hmm. - See how they're looking at each other.
[Dusty] She literally can't move her neck, can she?
- Ah-- [chuckles] - 'Cause of the brace.
- [scoffs] - Come on.
What, you don't think they're rushing into things a bit?
People could say the same about us.
What? We didn't rush into things.
I mean, Dusty, we were 20.
We didn't know anything about ourselves or relationships.
Yeah, but I didn't need a machine to tell me I was supposed to be with you.
- It's not a competition. - I mean, look at us now.
Twenty years later, still surprising each other.
You know what would be surprising, is if you were a little more open.
You know, a little more openhearted, a little more optimistic.
- Hey. How much fun is this, right? - [Dusty] So much.
Man.
Cass, you are looking exceptionally stunning this evening.
Thanks.
Dusty, you are here too. [laughs]
- Just kidding with you, bud. - Oh, yep.
How about that ceremony, right? It was so moving.
- Mm-hmm. - I was fighting back tears the whole time.
And that was a fight that I was losing, man.
Actually, I was too.
- Stop that. Look at us. - [Cass laughs]
Look at us. Just a couple of bighearted softies over here.
Not like big Dust-bust, keeping all those emotions under--
- under lock and key. - No, no.
I can optimistically say
it was the most heartwarming machine-inspired union
between two people who have been together less than eight days I have ever seen.
Have you guys tried the appies? You gotta try the appies.
Check out the-- the latest on Giorgio's menu.
Cass wings, aka hot wings.
[chuckles]
That's not even subtle.
[slow dance music playing]
- [whispers] I think you should-- - [shushes] Look who's here.
Hello, Martha.
You have to introduce me to your new partner.
She's my wife. But, yes, you know Rose.
She's been on the Deerfest committee for the past five years.
I'm sorry. It's this harsh arcade lighting.
It just makes everyone look so much older.
- So, Izzy... - Mmm.
...are you here as a friend of the bride or the groom?
I'm here as mayor.
I'm obliged to attend every event in this town.
So, you weren't invited.
But speaking of political duties, we were just talking about the inn
and wondered if you've had time to sign that permit we requested?
Martha, if you wanna talk to me, just talk to me.
You don't have to make this about permits.
No, but I really do just need the permit.
It's been decades,
and you still think you have to build a moat just to talk to me.
- A moat. [chuckles] - Just give us the fucking permit.
- [Martha] Okay. Just-- - And watch your damn hands.
- [Izzy] Oh. - Come on, Rose. This is pointless.
[Izzy] Wow.
[Rose] She got to touch you? This is ridiculous.
[Izzy] Excuse me. Hello.
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
Well, it's my turn to give my gift to the bride and groom.
Aw.
But I'll need a little space, if you all could just move aside, please.
Please. [laughs]
Now, as you all know, in addition to being your mayor...
I'm also a dancer.
[gasps] She wouldn't.
You know that she would.
And Pat and Farid,
I can't think of a better way to celebrate your new relationship
- than with the gift... of movement. - Of movement.
Hit it, Jacob.
["Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" playing]
I know you're not enjoying this,
but we're gonna be talking about it for years,
so try to watch as much as you can.
[crowd gasping, clamoring] Oh!
[Pat, crowd gasps]
Whoo!
- I need another drink immediately. - Oh!
- [gasps] On it. Yes. - Immediately.
Mm-hmm.
[Cass] My mother's vagina is on display.
[Nat] I know. I know.
Glass of white wine, please, bartendress. Father.
- Hey. - Oh. "Father is Father."
[chuckles]
There you go.
Interesting glass choice.
I brought 'em over from the bar. Thought they were wedding-appropriate.
- Got 'em on clearance at Dear Izzy's. - Wait, Farid has you buying supplies now?
Yeah, he's been asking me to do a lot more since he got his potential.
- I can't say I love it. - And what about your potential, Hana?
I actually haven't used that thing, and I don't plan to.
[Dusty] What about that voice telling you to be like everyone else?
- I don't have one of those. - Cool.
- Me neither. - [crowd gasping]
[gasping continues]
Oh, you guys are newish to town, so you probably find it strange
that a woman who wasn't actually invited to the wedding
is currently stealing focus from the bride and groom
by doing an improvised, overtly sexual, dance solo.
But I'd like to reassure you, that it's much more fucked up than it seems.
Ooh, I wanna know everything.
[Dusty] Do you see how most of the high kicks are being directed
at that woman who's pretending to stare at the olive cart?
That's Martha. Martha is Izzy's ex.
Martha and Izzy moved to Deerfield when Cass was nine, and ever since,
Izzy has talked about the dance career she left behind in the city.
Wow. Okay. She-- She's got some moves.
Yeah, but it was the '90s.
Who wasn't a professional dancer in the '90s, right?
Were you a professional dancer in the '90s?
Mm-hmm. Have you heard of Riverdance?
- You were in Riverdance? - No,
I was a founding member of River-Prance,
an all-boys, mixed ability, multi-genre dance troupe.
- Oh, dear God. - In many ways,
we considered ourselves a creative riposte to Irish dance culture,
which was quite stifling. All laces and braces.
But we were young. It was subversive shit.
Very punk.
In a way, yeah. Yeah. We dabbled in many genres.
Incorporated all the greats.
[chuckles] Chaka Khan, Bananarama, George Michael, Run-DMC.
Well, now we know why Cass fell in love with you.
[Dusty] No, this was-- this was pre-Cass.
- [crowd] Aw. - I don't think she's-- Oh.
Aw, Cass is doing something adorable. This isn't going to end well.
Oh, yes, she's dancing with the flower girl,
and it's very, fucking charming.
And now other people are starting to find it charming.
And, oh, that means that Izzy's not gonna get all of the attention.
And she sees it. She sees it.
Now she's looking over to see if Martha sees it.
Martha sees it too. That's the ball game!
Mmm.
- Good luck. [clicks tongue] - [chuckles]
Well, you sure know how to steal someone's thunder, don't you?
- [sighs] - Pardon me?
You couldn't give me five minutes?
I'm stealing thunder?
It's bad enough she's here with that woman.
I can't even believe they're still together.
- Then again, Rose doesn't have kids. - Ha!
And Martha always said that I had too much baggage.
[laughs, scoffs]
What's up, whorebag?
Um, because of the glass.
Sorry, that didn't feel good coming out of my mouth.
What did she just say to you?
[sighs] Nothing I haven't heard before, so...
Anything I can do to cheer you up?
No. No. We can actually go if that's okay.
Um, I'm gonna go say bye to Pat. [sighs]
Maybe I could talk to Giorgio
- about making you the in-house deejay. - Yeah.
It'd be fun to talk to you without having to stuff my face with fish cakes.
These are actually fish in a towel. Giorgio's take on pigs in a blanket.
- [spits] - [chuckles]
I do mean it, though.
It's really hard being out with you in public and, like,
constantly having to worry that people might find out.
- Well, what's the alternative? - I just thought, eventually,
- we could-- - What up, doggie bags?
Oh. Uh, hi, Dad. I'm just circulating.
And you're killing it. Ooh, is that fish in a towel?
Mm-hmm.
Why is everything spicy?
- There's zero spice in that. - Ugh.
- What up, deejay table? - Hey.
Are you doing requests?
Uh, it's literally just my phone plugged into a speaker, so, yeah, yeah.
Cool.
Um...
[whispers indistinctly]
- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay.
Hello, everyone.
- Hello. Hello, I'm Dusty. - [microphone feedback]
I also have a surprise gift that I'd like to share with the happy couple.
Hope it's a good surprise. [chuckles]
Principal Pat and Farid,
I know that some might think that this is all a bit quick,
and you have no way of knowing if you're right for each other,
but I, for one, have faith.
["Faith" playing]
[crowd gasping, cheering]
[all laughing]
[whistling]
[cheering continues]
[applauding, whistling]
[mouthing words] I gotta have faith.
- [music fades] - [cheering fades]
Hey. Um, do you mind if I take off? My parents are my ride.
Uh, no. You gotta-- You gotta stay and help with clean-up and locking up.
You know, it really feels like you should start paying me again.
Yeah. Well, it's like they say,
you can't always get exactly what you're hoping for in this life.
Hey, you need some help?
Why? Because I'm a delicate little lady who can't take care of herself?
- No, I just thought you might-- - Of course, I want your help.
What's wrong with you?
All night I had all these people coming up to me,
asking me a million questions about the machine,
and all you can say is that you don't wanna use it.
Hey, if it works for people, that's awesome.
But I also think there's a really good chance
that a month from now,
no one here is gonna be talking about this.
Now, see, I disagree.
You never know what people will do when they feel they've been given a sign.
And that works for some people, but just not for me, Father.
Okay. If that's true, then...
you might be the only person in this town
who doesn't need anything from me. [chuckles]
[slow dance music playing]
Oh, no. Who-- Who is responsible for this?
- I don't know, but... - [groans]
...someone should really do something about that. But don't-- don't grab-- uh--
- Is this yours? - All right. Look,
it's an old playlist, okay?
- Oh, this is a playlist? - All right, relax.
- So much Coldplay, huh? - [music stops]
- Yeah, well, you like the Bible, so... - [chuckles]
- Oh, man. [chuckles] - What?
[sighs] "Still the One," Shania Twain. Why you gotta do me like this, God?
Okay. It's really not that bad.
No.
That was my wedding song.
That was-- That was your wedding song?
Yeah.
I was married to an amazing woman. And she met me when I was at my worst.
[Reuben breathes deeply] She was like, um, a ventilator.
She gave me life.
And we were planning on having kids, everything, had it all planned out.
And then she got sick.
Some... [stammers] ...really rare, invisible thing
and then she was gone. Just...
s-so fast. [inhales sharply]
Um, and I went all the way back down.
[sighs]
And my drinking got really bad.
I started punching random people, you know, all the fun stuff.
And I got to thinking, "I don't come back from this."
You know? Uh, "People do not come back from this."
[swallows] And then I was outside of some random bar,
just staring down in the gutter like a real sack of shit
and looking for something to show me the way.
And that's when I saw it. "Your Life Potential."
Hmm.
I mean, how's that for a sign, right? [chuckles]
So, I did the whole seminary thing,
and I-- I took the job here at Deerfield High.
Started over.
And I carved out a new, small life for myself and... [chuckles]
...and then this machine shows up,
and I realize the card wasn't meant for me.
Everyone thinks that "Father" means only one thing.
Only I know that if it was supposed to mean "Priest,"
it would've said "Priest."
And all this time, I... [chuckles]
I've been on the wrong path.
And on top of all that, I have to listen to your terrible music. [chuckles]
[chuckles]
["Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover" playing]
[chuckles]
Wow. Yeah, this is so much better.
Now, this is a wedding song.
Are you fucking serious?
Come on.
[sighs]
[groans]
[music continues]