I can't let you smash it.
Who says I was gonna smash it?
You are not in my mind. You don't know what I was gonna do.
And I could ask you, what are you doing in the store
- in the middle of the night? - Okay. I was working.
And then I didn't wanna go home, so I was just hanging out.
I decided to try the machine one more time,
but I accidentally put in the wrong numbers for my Social
and I got the same thing, the same card again.
So I put in the wrong numbers again, different numbers,
and I didn't put my fingerprints on it. I put on my arm and my elbow and my face.
And no matter what I did, every time I got the same thing,
which means it isn't even using the things people think it's using.
Which means this whole thing is more, I don't wanna say magical, but, like--
Are you high right now?
Of course. Of course I am.
But that doesn't mean it's not true. You can see for yourself.
Is that what you got before?
It's what I am.
I thought you got "Dancer." You're a ghost?
I might as well be.
I'm practically invisible in this town these days.
And you are pretty scary.
Well, if you wanna trade, I'd actually love to be invisible.
- Well, you're invisible to me, dear. - Thanks. High praise.
I mean I won't tell Mr. Johnson you were here.
Thanks.
And I won't tell him you were gonna smash the machine,
especially now that we know about the fingerprints and Socials.
Forget all that.
People who believe will continue to believe,
and the people who don't will just take this as proof it's a scam.
You start telling people that machine doesn't work
the way they think it does,
it's only gonna create more of a divide and put you at the center of it.
Now, what if Mr. Johnson asks about that broken glass?
I'll tell him a ghost did it.
Seriously, you say anything, and I will beat your ass.
Good afternoon.
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
I just took a quick break from all of my gallivanting
so that I could come and tell you to go to hell.
Yeah. You've been talking to Trina,
telling her that I've been canoodling with bachelors and playing princess,
as if last night and everything that I've been working so hard towards
has something to do with me. Trying to get attention or something.
Okay.
But I did not ask for that, okay?
I do not want that because I am not you. So you can think what you want,
but I'm not gonna let you lie about me to my daughter
the same way that you have lied about Martha to me.
Yes. Did you really think that we would never talk?
You told me that Martha didn't wanna have kids.
You told me that Martha did not want to have me.
You had me feeling, this entire time, like this has all been my fault.
Have you had lunch?
I'm sorry, what? What?
- Please don't change the subject. - I'm not.
I'd like to take you to lunch so we can talk.
Properly.
Yeah. Treat me to lunch.
You do realize that I made this, right?
I'd rather have an antler shoved up my ass
than to pick another deer made out of sticks.
- Dad? - Oh, no. Trina.
Hold on. I am taking my whistler potential to a whole new level.
- I think Mom's having an affair. - What?
I caught Mom and Giorgio together on the gondola last night,
holding hands and looking shady as fuck.
That's--
Trina, I've seen Giorgio take your mom's hands
and kiss them in front of me.
- It's nothing new. - And you're okay with that?
I'm not okay with it. Of course I'm not okay with it.
So then what are you gonna do about it?
- Well-- I'm-- - I smashed that fucker's sign,
and he didn't even do anything to me.
Well, maybe I'll--
maybe I'll smash in something more than a sign.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
- Yeah! - Maybe I'll smash in his fucking face.
- Yeah! - Or maybe he has another sign I can smash.
Either way, I'm not gonna stay down here and take his shit anymore.
- No. - You think I'm gonna take his shit?
It does seem like you're here
- playing the fucking theremin. - Not anymore--
- No, you're not! - I'm not gonna take it. No.
'Cause your dad doesn't take anybody's shit!
- Can you just turn that thing off? - It's tricky!
You render it useless when you take it off a flat surface.
Come out here, Giorgio! We have man business.
I'm coming in!
Giorgio, show yourself!
Good. Hey!
Are you ready for your comeuppance, you slick prick?
Giorgio, where are you?
Welcome to Giorgio's.
Giorgio.
D?
I never wanted you to see me like this, D.
I never wanted you to look at me with anything less than unadulterated awe.
Unadultera--
- You're the adulterator, you dipshit. - It's true.
I made a move on your girl, D.
But she rejected me, and I get it, you know? I do.
Why pay for a slice of Giorgio pepperoni
when you've got the world's greatest pie at home?
More like a hearty Irish stew, but yeah.
Anyway, it's all good. I'm just gonna be alone forever,
and that's A-okay with--
No.
No, don't say that.
I'm just too much of an idiota to find love.
Even the idiotas deserve love.
No, I'm just a big, bald, stupid little baby.
Giorgio, you have many attractive qualities.
- Name five. - Five? Holy shit.
Yeah, five.
You have a lovely big house.
Okay, but that's not about me though. Make it about me specifically.
You've got such robust chest hair.
- Thank you. - You've got great taste in women.
Obviously.
And what a lovely skull you have.
Gotta count for something.
Two more.
Two fucking more. Wow.
- That's a lot more, isn't it? - You see?
You see, D? You can't even think of five things that easily, man.
I got nothing to be proud of, D. I'm a fraud.
I sold all my stuff, all my cool sports stuff,
including my Rangers goalie mask. And why?
Why? To impress an outstanding woman?
Like, do you have any idea how this feels?
To do everything that you can for a person,
and yet she still doesn't love you the way that you wanna be loved?
Giorgio, I don't know how to help you with that...
but I could help you get your mask back.
Maro. You're such a good friend, D.
That's all right.
Let's get your hair on, shall we? That would cheer you up, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
Head down.
- And pop it on. - That's nice.
Pretty boy.
Do you remember the first time we came in here together?
Sadly, I do not.
Now, you were about ten or 11.
And that was all offices, and this was Shanghai House.
And there was a koi pond here, where the canal is.
- Remember? After the tornado? - I don't remember a tornado.
There was no tornado.
Everyone panicked, boarded up their windows,
cleaned Johnson's out of supplies, and it missed us by about 50 miles.
You were so disappointed.
Standing out there on the lawn, staring up at the sky,
waiting for something exciting to happen, and all you got was a drizzle.
So, I brought you here for some chicken balls and MSG.
You said you wanted to talk, so does this story have a point maybe?
My point is you were bored living here.
You've always been bored and wanting more.
When we lived in New York and I was dancing,
Martha couldn't understand that.
She wanted a quiet life.
She wanted to move here, live closer to her family.
And I didn't want to lose her, so we did.
I gave up my career because that's what you do
when you love somebody.
You bury parts of yourself to keep them happy.
But I was damn fucking bored, Cass.
So I ran for office, and Martha didn't like that either.
And I'm not blaming her, but I needed that.
I needed something for myself.
Okay.
But you lied to me. Yes.
You told me that you and Martha broke up because she didn't want kids.
She didn't want kids,
which is why you may have noticed she doesn't have any kids.
But I did.
I wanted you, which is why I chose to have you at 17 years old.
With no help from your dad,
or from my parents who kicked me out of the house
and made me raise you on my own,
which I was damn well happy to do because I was a very good mother.
And sweet fucking hell!
Can't you see we're having a conversation here?
If you don't shut that thing up, I will dance all over your face.
Nice, Mom.
I don't expect you to take my side. You think I'm the enemy. It's fine.
I just wish it didn't always have to be a competition between us.
So do I.
That being said though, I bet I kick your ass on that there game.
I'm actually surprised these people would spend money on a goalie mask.
There's a lot they could've been doing to their property.
I mean, like, not to judge, but come on. The lawn edging?
- If they're so good at math-- - Hey, Giorgio, you think you have it bad?
Check it out.
"Sole Survivor." What kind of potential is that?
- It's the worst kind of potential. - What the f--
Hey there, friend. You the mathematician?
Nah, man. I'm Urie, the sole survivor.
But I don't know what I'm gonna survive, so I've been living in the garden shed
to protect my family.
- What a lovely idea. - Smart.
- You guys wanna have tea with me? - What a delightful offer, Urie.
I'll give you the mask back for free, if you come inside and have tea with me.
It's really Giorgio's mask,
- and it looks like a two-person shed. - Let's have some tea, D.
- Fuck a duck. - Let's go, D.
- What kinda tea you got in there, Urie? - Chamomile.
Chamomile. Hell, yeah.
- Chamomile, love it. - Now it's a party.
Yeah.
Yes!
- In your face. - Wow.
I'm sorry, who was the professional dancer?
That's right. Hi, I'm the professional dancer.
- Yep. - Okay, ma'am.
- Yeah, you're causing a scene. - Yes.
- Oh, come on! - You good?
Your Grizzy is faking an injury.
I am not faking.
And it's not 'cause of that stupid thing. It's 'cause of Pat and Farid's wedding.
Okay, so why didn't you just say something?
Why try to play this game--
I didn't get Dancer for my potential, girls.
And it won't be long before people wanna see my card.
That's all people care about now.
And once they realize I've been lying...
they'll never vote for me again.
What are you talking about?
Does Jacob have any more of those blank cards?
Just so you know, this isn't exactly halfway between
our houses as the crow flies.
"As the crow flies"? You're such a freaking dork.
I'm doing you the favor. I feel like you should be coming to me.
- I'm not allowed in your house. - Yeah, how convenient.
Here.
- Thanks for doing this. - No worries.
Of course, yes, this concludes our transaction,
so I guess I'll be on my way.
Me too, as well.
Or we could just stand here forever in this random spot.
It's not random. It's equidistant between our houses, so...
It actually isn't.
But I am very happy to be here with you.
Because you know what's not working?
Not being together.
No, that's not working at all.
That is definitely not making anything better.
I just like you so much still.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
My biggest nightmare is losing someone I love.
I don't want my wife around me, if something bad's gonna happen.
Okay, but this is no way to live, Urie.
I mean, your wife is stuck in the house doing fractions by herself.
It doesn't add up.
Think about it logically.
If a meteor was to hit your house, if you're really a sole survivor,
then you'd be fine out here in your shed, but your wife would be--
She would be smashed by a space rock.
I understand that with this, but not with this.
Every time I step outside, I feel like I'm gonna vomit.
Man, I know.
I would throw up before big games when I was playing for the Rangers
in that very helmet right there.
I put so much pressure on myself because I was living in fear too.
I felt like I had to be this hockey superstar
just because I had so much God-given talent, you know?
But the truth is, Urie-- the truth is,
now I know I should have just followed my heart.
Flown to Italy, so it could be me with Cass, instead of D.
But I want you to know, you would have been my best man.
What? Okay. Let--
I wasn't even in Italy with Cass. I was working at a ski resort.
Really? I didn't know that, D.
Yeah, that was--
Wow, that was actually the last time that Cass and I were apart.
That was, like, 20 years ago, Big D.
You haven't been on your own in 20 years?
I mean, I'm-- I can do some things alone.
I go to the movies on my own.
Why? Why do you go to the movies on your own?
I guess, in a way, I am...
a bit afraid too.
Afraid of finding out what would happen if I didn't have Cass.
I spend so much time thinking about what she wants from me,
I don't even know what I want from myself.
It's like we're all trying to control these things
that can't be controlled, right?
Instead of embracing the uncertainty.
Yeah. I mean, look at us, a bunch of best friend scaredy-cats,
sitting here sipping tea.
What are we doing?
I'm gonna start going back outside, living my life.
- Yeah! - Proud of you, bro.
You guys wanna hang out tonight?
- I would love to... - Me too.
...but I have previously committed to going to a magic show.
That sounds fake.
It does. But, no. The magic is real.
- Wow. - I know.
I'm surprised I found a parking spot.
This is incredible, Izzy. I can't believe how many people showed.
Well, like I told them, if you turn out to be a real magician,
maybe they'll turn out to be whatever it says on their cards.
No pressure.
Okay, so.
Speaking of cards...
don't say I never do anything for you.
But you can say, "thank you."
Or even "thanks." Or "Hey, Cass, you're so kind."
You think you're so kind? Watch this.
Martha! Over here.
- Is it true? Do you really have it? - I really have it, Martha.
- One permit for one moat. - Finally.
Rose is gonna be very happy,
especially since she's digging as we speak.
The word "magic" first appeared in the late 14th century
to describe the art of influencing or predicting events,
and producing marvels using hidden natural forces.
Tonight you will witness the marvels
of The Great Morphini!
Oh, yeah, I fucking love magic. Let's go.
That is not my card.
Well, Father, are you sure you know what your card is?
Pick a card, sir.
Memorize it, then replace it in the deck.
I want you to close your eyes
and relax to the sound of the metronome.
Now, take yourself back to a memory of a place.
A real place. A peaceful place.
Do you have it?
- Yep. - Where are you?
I'm skiing.
Please describe it.
It's snowy.
More descriptive, please.
I need you to really put yourself there.
Okay. Yeah. It's-- I'm skiing. It's snowy.
I'm maybe 20 years old.
And I'm alone.
You see, I've taken the wrong path on this--
Or the wrong hill, or whatever you call that.
I'm supposed to be on the Beginner, but I'm on the Black Diamond.
And so I start going real fast, 'cause it's basically like this.
And I am hurtling so quickly down the face of this mountain.
And I don't know what's gonna happen,
but it's-- God, it feels like, I'm honestly
like I'm gonna die.
But I also feel very alive.
Eyes closed, please.
Where are you? Where is this mountain?
It's in Canada. British Columbia.
- Where? Be specific. - This place called Whistler.
And what was your card?
- "Teacher/Whistler." - No.
Your card. That you picked from the deck.
- Four of hearts. - Check your pocket.
The seven of spades.
Maybe that was Father Reuben's card.
And now, for my final trick! "The Disappearing Woman."
Cassandra Hubbard.
When I reopen the doors to this coffin, you will be gone!
Please welcome my beautiful assistant...
who will twirl the coffin around
just to show you there is nothing out of the ordinary.
- Hello, darling. - Hi.
- Hold your breath. - Okay.
Assistant, please open the coffin!
The Great Morphini thanks you all.
And thanks to our brave volunteers.
Well, actually, we're not quite done!
I have an announcement to make.
I'll be stepping down as mayor of Deerfield.
I can't in good conscience continue when I've broken your trust
by lying about my MORPHO card.
Why did I lie?
Because I saw the writing on the wall.
Because I saw the people of this town placing greater trust
in the prognostications of this machine
than in their hobbled old mayor,
and I don't blame you.
In fact, I envy you.
You believe in this machine without questioning where it came from,
or even Mr. Johnson, our "master illusionist,"
when he claims he wasn't there when it magically appeared in his store.
You don't have the coldhearted skepticism
to ask about security tapes or any kind of proof.
Izzy, you know my cameras weren't hooked up.
- Why-- - That's right.
But you did say Jacob was there.
And luckily Jacob knows all kinds of things about the machine.
He was telling me that the fingerprints and the Socials are all a scam.
Is that what you said?
No, wait, okay, that's not what I was trying to--
And Jacob can get blank cards from the machine,
since he so kindly provided me with one.
Okay, I didn't give it to you. I gave it to Trina.
I mean, I knew it was for you.
I didn't directly hand it to you, but I--
It's not your fault, Jacob.
I don't want anyone pointing fingers at Jacob or Cass.
Why would anyone blame Cass?
For making the fake card.
Oh, fuck.
I never would have dragged Cass into this,
except she's the only one with the equipment
to make convincing fakes, see?
What are you trying to say? I only made you one fake card.
Don't gasp! She just told you that.
Cass, I'm defending you, honey.
Now, I can assure everyone here that Cass hasn't made any more of these,
and I for one believe her card,
which happens to say she's royalty, is real.
So I won't have any one of you questioning the Potential Fund
or any other profits she may have incurred from MORPHO-related merchandise.
After all, Cass isn't the only one making money off of this thing.
I know Martha and Rose quadrupled business since the arrival of the MORPHO,
with people like Coach Eagleson inspired to have affairs there.
She's even put in a moat.
Let's be real, people.
If Cass were making any other fake cards,
she certainly would have made a better one for her own husband.
She would've given him something more like, I don't know, Superstar.
All right. Izzy, that's enough.
It is. It's enough, people.
Can't you see this was simply
an act of sacrifice from a daughter for her mother,
so that I could pretend I once had potential,
when in reality, I was--
How'd you put it, Cass?
"A glorified backup dancer,
whose life's greatest achievement was
playing Swing Number Three in a shitty Broadway musical."
Okay, do not listen to this woman.
She lies about everything.
She just wants things to go back to the way they were,
so that she can have power again. But--
But we can't do that. We can't go back. We can't. I'm sorry.
No, it's the machine.
The MORPHO machine means something, doesn't it?
I mean, I can see that now.
I don't know what it means, but it means something. So...
While we all figure it out, we cannot allow Izzy--
to distract us-- Shit.