1 00:00:00,099 --> 00:00:01,627 {\an7}- ♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 2 00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,429 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 3 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 4 00:00:04,429 --> 00:00:06,066 {\an7}♪ Hey, hey ♪ 5 00:00:06,066 --> 00:00:08,726 {\an7}♪ I took a break last night ♪ 6 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 7 00:00:08,726 --> 00:00:12,066 {\an7}[mellow hip-hop music] 8 00:00:12,066 --> 00:00:14,528 {\an7}♪ ♪ 9 00:00:14,528 --> 00:00:18,297 {\an7}♪ Had to get myself together ♪ 10 00:00:18,297 --> 00:00:20,033 {\an7}♪ I took a--I took a ♪ 11 00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:23,066 {\an7}♪ I took a break ♪ 12 00:00:23,066 --> 00:00:24,198 {\an7}♪ Keep fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 13 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:26,528 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 14 00:00:26,528 --> 00:00:27,660 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’ ♪ 15 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:32,561 {\an7}♪ I’m fallin’, I’m fallin’, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fallin’ ♪ 16 00:00:32,561 --> 00:00:36,099 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 17 00:00:36,099 --> 00:00:43,528 {\an7}♪ ♪ 18 00:00:55,528 --> 00:00:59,264 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 19 00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:06,462 {\an7}- Cool. 20 00:01:06,462 --> 00:01:07,264 {\an7}Everybody sit down. 21 00:01:07,264 --> 00:01:08,363 {\an7}Thank you so much \hfor coming out. 22 00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:09,726 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hGive it up for yourselves again. 23 00:01:09,726 --> 00:01:11,132 {\an7}Oh, my gosh. 24 00:01:11,132 --> 00:01:12,792 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 25 00:01:12,792 --> 00:01:15,792 {\an7}We’re all here. \h\hWe made it. 26 00:01:15,792 --> 00:01:17,462 {\an7}Oh, man. 27 00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:20,066 {\an7}It’s so great to be here \h\h\h\hwith all of you. 28 00:01:20,066 --> 00:01:21,264 {\an7}This is incredible. 29 00:01:21,264 --> 00:01:23,396 {\an7}This is absolutely amazing 30 00:01:23,396 --> 00:01:26,396 {\an7}’cause it means we did it. 31 00:01:26,396 --> 00:01:28,528 {\an7}We lived. 32 00:01:30,198 --> 00:01:30,957 {\an7}I’m not gonna lie. 33 00:01:30,957 --> 00:01:34,396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t think-- I didn’t think I’d make it. 34 00:01:34,396 --> 00:01:35,594 {\an7}I didn’t even get COVID. 35 00:01:35,594 --> 00:01:38,363 {\an7}I’m just not a survivor. 36 00:01:38,363 --> 00:01:42,396 {\an7}\hThat’s not how anybody I know would describe me. 37 00:01:42,396 --> 00:01:46,264 {\an7}I’ll even tell you what, a year \h\hbefore the pandemic, right? 38 00:01:46,264 --> 00:01:49,198 {\an7}\h\hFully before the pandemic, I was just walking in New York 39 00:01:49,198 --> 00:01:52,198 {\an7}just looking up at the sky, \h\hloving my life, right? 40 00:01:52,198 --> 00:01:54,231 {\an7}Just looking up, being happy. 41 00:01:54,231 --> 00:01:55,693 {\an7}And I stepped off the curb. 42 00:01:55,693 --> 00:01:58,528 {\an7}That’s all that’s happened \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso far. 43 00:01:58,528 --> 00:01:59,726 {\an7}I stepped off the curb, 44 00:01:59,726 --> 00:02:03,198 {\an7}and I stepped on a bird, okay? 45 00:02:03,198 --> 00:02:05,858 {\an7}\hAnd here’s the thing. Not a dead bird, okay? 46 00:02:05,858 --> 00:02:07,627 {\an7}This bird was also \h\hwalking around 47 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:11,495 {\an7}not paying attention, \h\hloving his life. 48 00:02:11,495 --> 00:02:13,858 {\an7}We just collided with nature. 49 00:02:13,858 --> 00:02:15,759 {\an7}Humanity at once. 50 00:02:15,759 --> 00:02:17,462 {\an7}And so I stepped on the bird. 51 00:02:17,462 --> 00:02:18,693 {\an7}The bird and I freaked out, 52 00:02:18,693 --> 00:02:22,825 {\an7}\hand the bird and I made the same noise. 53 00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:27,132 {\an7}\hThat is not somebody that survives a global pandemic, 54 00:02:27,132 --> 00:02:27,759 {\an7}all right? 55 00:02:27,759 --> 00:02:30,594 {\an7}If you can match the pitch \hof a pigeon out of fear, 56 00:02:30,594 --> 00:02:32,693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthen no, no one is checking for you 57 00:02:32,693 --> 00:02:34,825 {\an7}in the "Mad Max" movie, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 58 00:02:34,825 --> 00:02:38,363 {\an7}\h\h\h\hYou died in the first five seconds in that montage 59 00:02:38,363 --> 00:02:39,825 {\an7}about what went wrong \h\h\hwith the world. 60 00:02:39,825 --> 00:02:42,231 {\an7}It’s just you and a bird like-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[squawks] 61 00:02:42,231 --> 00:02:45,891 {\an7}Like that’s how it ends. 62 00:02:46,825 --> 00:02:49,726 {\an7}This is insane, you know? 63 00:02:49,726 --> 00:02:50,891 {\an7}Global pandemic. 64 00:02:50,891 --> 00:02:54,231 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hLast year was crazy ’cause this was the first thing 65 00:02:54,231 --> 00:02:57,561 {\an7}\h\h\h\hthat ever happened that happened to everybody. 66 00:02:57,561 --> 00:02:58,627 {\an7}That’s wild. 67 00:02:58,627 --> 00:03:01,429 {\an7}That didn’t even happen \h\hin the World Wars, 68 00:03:01,429 --> 00:03:04,924 {\an7}and they’re named after the world, 69 00:03:04,924 --> 00:03:05,561 {\an7}you know? 70 00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:07,429 {\an7}There were some countries like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"We good. 71 00:03:07,429 --> 00:03:08,792 {\an7}\h\h"We’re just going to sit out this one. 72 00:03:08,792 --> 00:03:13,462 {\an7}\h\h"Y’all seem to be working a thing out over there, so... 73 00:03:13,462 --> 00:03:14,264 {\an7}"We kinda little. 74 00:03:14,264 --> 00:03:18,396 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWe don’t need to be dusted up in that." 75 00:03:18,396 --> 00:03:18,957 {\an7}You know? 76 00:03:18,957 --> 00:03:21,693 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hSome people thought it was the end of the world, 77 00:03:21,693 --> 00:03:23,891 {\an7}\h\h\h\hwhich is why I’m pretty sure that 78 00:03:23,891 --> 00:03:25,693 {\an7}in all that chaos, 79 00:03:25,693 --> 00:03:27,660 {\an7}in all that uncertainty, 80 00:03:27,660 --> 00:03:29,264 {\an7}in all that fear, 81 00:03:29,264 --> 00:03:33,726 {\an7}somebody somewhere, \h\h\h\hdefinitely 82 00:03:33,726 --> 00:03:35,231 {\an7}ate a person. 83 00:03:35,231 --> 00:03:36,924 {\an7}That happened, all right? 84 00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:40,561 {\an7}And we need to talk \h\habout it, okay? 85 00:03:40,561 --> 00:03:42,462 {\an7}It’s more likely that it happened 86 00:03:42,462 --> 00:03:44,528 {\an7}than that it didn’t happen. 87 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:47,429 {\an7}You can’t tell me out of 7 billion people, 88 00:03:47,429 --> 00:03:49,528 {\an7}nobody was strong enough \h\h\h\h\hand dumb enough 89 00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:53,396 {\an7}not to eat somebody \htoo quick, okay? 90 00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:55,660 {\an7}This dude’s getting arrested \h\h\h\h\h\hthis year, like, 91 00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:58,561 {\an7}"Okay, I’m the only one \h\h\hwho ate somebody. 92 00:03:58,561 --> 00:03:59,858 {\an7}"A’ight. 93 00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:00,627 {\an7}"I’m going. 94 00:04:00,627 --> 00:04:01,792 {\an7}"How was I supposed \hto know next year 95 00:04:01,792 --> 00:04:04,660 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"there’d still be Cap’n Crunch, all right? 96 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:05,396 {\an7}"I’m going. 97 00:04:05,396 --> 00:04:06,825 {\an7}\h"Can I just say something though? 98 00:04:06,825 --> 00:04:09,330 {\an7}"Can I just say something? 99 00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:12,759 {\an7}"Nobody even liked Dave, okay? 100 00:04:12,759 --> 00:04:14,726 {\an7}"That’s why it took y’all \h\hso long to catch him. 101 00:04:14,726 --> 00:04:15,792 {\an7}"Nobody was checking for Dave. 102 00:04:15,792 --> 00:04:17,264 {\an7}"Look, I’m going. \h\h\hI’m going. 103 00:04:17,264 --> 00:04:19,330 {\an7}"Nobody was checking for Dave. 104 00:04:19,330 --> 00:04:20,495 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Come on. Can I say something else? 105 00:04:20,495 --> 00:04:23,924 {\an7}"Can I just--can I just say something else real quick? 106 00:04:23,924 --> 00:04:24,891 {\an7}"He was a little gamey. 107 00:04:24,891 --> 00:04:27,726 {\an7}"He was a little dry, \h\h\h\h\hall right? 108 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,330 {\an7}"So now I gotta go to jail off a meal 109 00:04:29,330 --> 00:04:32,396 {\an7}\h"that wasn’t even good off of a dude that nobody liked. 110 00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:35,396 {\an7}"Where’s the justice? 111 00:04:36,264 --> 00:04:39,495 {\an7}"He was a one-star meal and person, all right? 112 00:04:39,495 --> 00:04:42,297 {\an7}I’m going, I said." 113 00:04:45,042 --> 00:04:46,144 - The thing that bothers me now 114 00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,212 is that now that there's vaccines 115 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:50,882 and, you know, there's whole game plans 116 00:04:50,948 --> 00:04:52,550 for how we're going to attack this thing, 117 00:04:52,617 --> 00:04:55,286 there are people that want to act like they knew 118 00:04:55,353 --> 00:04:58,823 it was going to be okay the entire time. 119 00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:01,159 They wanna act like they were cool the whole time, 120 00:05:01,225 --> 00:05:02,627 and that bothers me. 121 00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:05,196 It makes me mad, you know? 122 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:06,731 Doctors were like, 123 00:05:06,798 --> 00:05:08,800 "We've never seen anything like this before, all right?" 124 00:05:08,866 --> 00:05:11,469 And you were like, "No, I think it'll be fine." 125 00:05:11,536 --> 00:05:13,070 No, that's not true. 126 00:05:13,137 --> 00:05:16,307 Everybody was at least a little bit panicked. 127 00:05:16,374 --> 00:05:18,776 And you know how I know that? 128 00:05:18,843 --> 00:05:22,180 Remember that food run in March? 129 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,482 Remember that food run where people thought 130 00:05:24,549 --> 00:05:26,884 it was the end of the world? 131 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:30,721 And they ran past the food to the toilet paper. 132 00:05:35,359 --> 00:05:37,095 They thought we were all gonna die, 133 00:05:37,161 --> 00:05:39,797 and they ran past the cheese snacks 134 00:05:39,864 --> 00:05:41,666 to what they were going to wipe their butt with. 135 00:05:41,732 --> 00:05:45,470 There's never been a better ad for a bidet. 136 00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:49,807 [cheers and applause] 137 00:05:51,876 --> 00:05:54,045 There's never been a better ad for a bidet 138 00:05:54,112 --> 00:05:55,880 than a soccer mom 139 00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,883 punching an old lady in the face for some Charmin. 140 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:00,451 She hits the ground. 141 00:06:00,518 --> 00:06:01,753 Lady's running with it under her arm. 142 00:06:01,819 --> 00:06:04,989 Even the mascot bear's like, "Ooh." 143 00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:06,758 You know? 144 00:06:06,824 --> 00:06:08,893 But you knew it would be okay. 145 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,561 Come on. 146 00:06:10,628 --> 00:06:13,731 I knew some people that were quarantined 147 00:06:13,798 --> 00:06:17,368 with their whole family the entire time, you know? 148 00:06:17,435 --> 00:06:19,070 Like seven people in, like, 149 00:06:19,137 --> 00:06:22,006 a two-bedroom house. 150 00:06:22,039 --> 00:06:24,876 Oof. 151 00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:26,411 Let's say it happens. 152 00:06:26,477 --> 00:06:28,413 Society crumbles. 153 00:06:28,479 --> 00:06:30,314 The infrastructure fails. 154 00:06:30,381 --> 00:06:32,316 It's time to start eating people. 155 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,720 There are people that were just looking 156 00:06:35,787 --> 00:06:38,756 at their fattest cousin like, "It's gonna be you, all right? 157 00:06:41,325 --> 00:06:42,493 "What you gonna do? Run? 158 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,863 "No, it's too late for that, all right? 159 00:06:45,963 --> 00:06:49,467 Plus he diabetic, so I know he going to be sweet, okay?" 160 00:06:51,836 --> 00:06:53,237 I like how that was a line for you. 161 00:06:53,304 --> 00:06:55,339 We've been eating people for four minutes straight-- 162 00:06:55,406 --> 00:06:56,641 of eating people jokes, 163 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:59,544 and diabetic was where you were like, "Ooh. 164 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:04,982 Not if they taste like cake." 165 00:07:07,585 --> 00:07:10,054 The pandemic definitely-- 166 00:07:10,121 --> 00:07:12,123 it definitely made me glad 167 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:14,292 that I... 168 00:07:14,358 --> 00:07:16,994 grew up Black in America. 169 00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:18,996 You know what I mean? 170 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:21,599 [cheers and applause] 171 00:07:21,666 --> 00:07:25,002 'Cause nothing prepares you for a pandemic in America 172 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:29,006 like being Black in regular America. 173 00:07:29,073 --> 00:07:31,542 You know what I mean? 174 00:07:31,609 --> 00:07:33,010 Just sitting there like, what? 175 00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:34,445 Wait, wait, wait. What's that you say? 176 00:07:34,512 --> 00:07:35,680 Food is scarce, 177 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:37,148 medical attention is hard to come by, 178 00:07:37,215 --> 00:07:38,349 and jobs in the community 179 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,084 are being lost by the thousands? 180 00:07:42,019 --> 00:07:44,655 What is this? A Tuesday? 181 00:07:44,722 --> 00:07:47,959 You know what I mean? 182 00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:50,495 Even now--even now that we have a vaccine, 183 00:07:50,561 --> 00:07:52,396 and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, 184 00:07:52,463 --> 00:07:54,632 there's a lot Black people that don't want to take it. 185 00:07:54,699 --> 00:07:57,201 And I understand. I do get it. 186 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,836 They don't want to take it 187 00:07:58,970 --> 00:08:00,705 'cause of history, you know what I mean? 188 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,174 Like, it's just not on science's side. 189 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:06,978 We've been experimented on before, and we remember. 190 00:08:07,011 --> 00:08:10,648 But I will say I'm fully vaccinated. 191 00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:13,885 [cheers and applause] 192 00:08:15,853 --> 00:08:17,588 That's the first time anybody's clapped for my asthma. 193 00:08:17,655 --> 00:08:20,291 That is incredible. 194 00:08:20,358 --> 00:08:22,393 Okay. I'll take it. 195 00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,528 But I am fully vaccinated. 196 00:08:23,594 --> 00:08:25,696 And I would tell all the Black people 197 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:27,799 that I know in my life and out of it, 198 00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:29,867 that this is the one to get. 199 00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:32,003 And I know it's the one to get 200 00:08:32,036 --> 00:08:35,039 'cause they didn't want to give it to us right away. 201 00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:40,278 Don't get me wrong. 202 00:08:40,344 --> 00:08:42,046 If you're just out playing basketball 203 00:08:42,113 --> 00:08:44,115 and some white men in white coats just walk up like, 204 00:08:44,182 --> 00:08:47,685 "Would you kids like some free medicine?" 205 00:08:47,752 --> 00:08:50,188 Then yeah, no, no. 206 00:08:50,254 --> 00:08:51,956 Back away. 207 00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,458 But there were whole states that were like, 208 00:08:53,524 --> 00:08:54,725 "Wait your turn, nigger." 209 00:08:54,792 --> 00:08:57,962 That's how you know it's the good stuff. 210 00:09:02,533 --> 00:09:05,169 I'm sorry about the truth. 211 00:09:05,236 --> 00:09:07,472 I don't know what to tell you. 212 00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:10,641 [cheers and applause] 213 00:09:15,613 --> 00:09:18,983 But yeah, I--I know last year was scary. 214 00:09:19,050 --> 00:09:20,618 It was. 215 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,553 'Cause some people's-- 216 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:25,356 some people's worst fears came true last year. 217 00:09:25,423 --> 00:09:28,025 There's some people whose worst fear 218 00:09:28,092 --> 00:09:29,660 in their entire life 219 00:09:29,727 --> 00:09:30,995 is losing their job 220 00:09:31,062 --> 00:09:33,197 and not being able to provide for their family, 221 00:09:33,264 --> 00:09:34,699 and that happened. 222 00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:36,801 There's some people whose worst fear 223 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,504 in their entire life 224 00:09:39,570 --> 00:09:41,506 is getting sick and being a burden 225 00:09:41,572 --> 00:09:43,207 on the people that they love, 226 00:09:43,274 --> 00:09:45,176 and that happened. 227 00:09:45,243 --> 00:09:48,045 I had my worst fear in my entire life 228 00:09:48,112 --> 00:09:50,848 come true last year. 229 00:09:50,948 --> 00:09:53,951 I got a bee stuck in my hair. 230 00:09:59,957 --> 00:10:01,659 I know it doesn't sound like it matches up, 231 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,662 but let me explain. 232 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:07,665 First of all, I am deathly allergic, okay? 233 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,001 I'm dea--if I get stung, I will die. 234 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:12,603 Me plus bee equals dead, okay? 235 00:10:12,670 --> 00:10:14,272 That's the quick math for you. 236 00:10:14,338 --> 00:10:16,841 And this thing came in hot, all right? 237 00:10:16,974 --> 00:10:19,043 It shot in my hair like it belonged there. 238 00:10:19,110 --> 00:10:21,846 And at first, I just tried to whip my hair back and forth. 239 00:10:21,979 --> 00:10:23,648 Tried to get it out. That didn't help at all. 240 00:10:23,714 --> 00:10:26,150 It just got it more stuck. 241 00:10:26,217 --> 00:10:28,419 So now I am running up to people screaming for help, 242 00:10:28,486 --> 00:10:31,255 but there is no quicker way to look schizophrenic 243 00:10:31,322 --> 00:10:34,025 than running up to people screaming for help, 244 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,861 and they can't see the threat, all right? 245 00:10:39,664 --> 00:10:41,466 So now I'm running up to white people 246 00:10:41,532 --> 00:10:44,569 in the park ruining picnics, okay? 247 00:10:45,703 --> 00:10:47,572 I am stepping in people's pesto. 248 00:10:47,638 --> 00:10:49,974 I'm slipping in hummus. 249 00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:53,778 I fell and snapped a whole charcuterie board. 250 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:56,981 And I know what I should have done. 251 00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:58,349 I should have-- I should have run up, 252 00:10:58,416 --> 00:10:59,817 and I should've been like, "Hey, I'm so sorry, 253 00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,185 "but if I could get your attention 254 00:11:01,252 --> 00:11:03,254 "for just a second, there's a bee in my hair, 255 00:11:03,321 --> 00:11:04,288 "and I'm deathly allergic. 256 00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:05,590 "If you could help me out, 257 00:11:05,656 --> 00:11:08,059 that would be a literal lifesaver, okay?" 258 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:11,295 I was too panicked for any of that, all right? 259 00:11:11,362 --> 00:11:14,699 So I just ran up on 'em like, "It's in me! 260 00:11:23,741 --> 00:11:27,378 "Can't you hear it? 261 00:11:27,445 --> 00:11:30,214 It's gonna kill me!" 262 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,685 And I forgot to mention up top 263 00:11:34,752 --> 00:11:36,187 that when I slipped in the hummus, 264 00:11:36,254 --> 00:11:39,991 I rolled my ankle, so... 265 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,827 I didn't even get to run up on the regular. 266 00:11:42,894 --> 00:11:46,164 I was running up, I'm like, "It's in me! 267 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,934 "Can't you hear it? 268 00:11:49,967 --> 00:11:53,004 It's gonna kill me!" 269 00:11:54,205 --> 00:11:55,640 People were running away from me. 270 00:11:55,706 --> 00:11:57,442 It was terrible. 271 00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:00,278 It was absolutely horrible. 272 00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:02,814 And this is the thing--thing that bothered me the most-- 273 00:12:02,947 --> 00:12:05,817 the thing that really stressed me out-- 274 00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:07,985 even broke my heart a little bit-- 275 00:12:08,052 --> 00:12:10,755 was this was the one time-- the one time 276 00:12:10,822 --> 00:12:13,825 in my entire life 277 00:12:13,958 --> 00:12:15,860 that I needed white people to touch my hair, 278 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,029 and they were nowhere to be found. 279 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,636 I wasn't asking. I was begging. 280 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,371 I was like, "I'm gonna die!" 281 00:12:27,438 --> 00:12:29,207 And they were like, "No, no, I know better. 282 00:12:29,273 --> 00:12:30,775 "I learned about this, all right? 283 00:12:30,842 --> 00:12:32,009 "I went to Vassar. 284 00:12:32,076 --> 00:12:33,678 "You're not going to get me canceled. 285 00:12:33,745 --> 00:12:35,379 "I took a sensitivity class. 286 00:12:35,446 --> 00:12:37,381 Where's the Twitter?" 287 00:12:41,984 --> 00:12:43,386 - Oh. 288 00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:45,521 I developed a lot of pet peeves 289 00:12:45,588 --> 00:12:48,124 in the pandemic, you know? 290 00:12:48,190 --> 00:12:49,959 A lot of things that didn't bother me before 291 00:12:50,025 --> 00:12:52,194 that definitely bother me now. 292 00:12:52,261 --> 00:12:54,130 Really upset me. 293 00:12:54,196 --> 00:12:55,865 Like, um... 294 00:12:55,931 --> 00:12:58,367 I'm done with horoscopes. 295 00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:03,939 You can read yours but don't read me mine, okay? 296 00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:07,076 And I say I'm done because 297 00:13:07,143 --> 00:13:09,979 they're too esoteric for me, you know? 298 00:13:10,045 --> 00:13:12,214 "You'll find love in love's place 299 00:13:12,281 --> 00:13:14,817 when love's ready to do love's thing." 300 00:13:16,585 --> 00:13:18,254 You think? 301 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,555 Wow. 302 00:13:19,622 --> 00:13:20,890 You basically just said 303 00:13:20,956 --> 00:13:22,425 something's going to happen eventually. 304 00:13:22,491 --> 00:13:25,161 That's your prediction. 305 00:13:26,462 --> 00:13:28,297 I would just rather horoscope with less words. 306 00:13:28,364 --> 00:13:29,532 That would make me happier. 307 00:13:29,598 --> 00:13:31,033 I would rather open up a newspaper, 308 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,635 go down to where it says Pisces, 309 00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:34,136 and it just says, "Don't." 310 00:13:34,203 --> 00:13:37,840 I'm sure I was going to do something dumb that day. 311 00:13:41,577 --> 00:13:43,846 The other reason I'm done with them 312 00:13:43,946 --> 00:13:45,681 is because, you know... 313 00:13:45,748 --> 00:13:47,283 [scoffs] 314 00:13:48,851 --> 00:13:51,387 Everybody here was born. 315 00:13:51,454 --> 00:13:53,189 Everybody here's got a sign 316 00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:54,523 whether you believe in it or not. 317 00:13:54,590 --> 00:13:57,293 Everyone has one, right? 318 00:13:57,359 --> 00:14:02,131 How did everybody's horoscope miss a global pandemic? 319 00:14:02,198 --> 00:14:05,000 It was coming whether you were, like, a Leo or a Libra 320 00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,236 or, like, the scales or the--the--the dolphin 321 00:14:07,303 --> 00:14:10,573 and the--the dog, whatever it is. 322 00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:11,974 It was coming no matter what. 323 00:14:12,007 --> 00:14:13,876 So I still have people who have the nerve 324 00:14:13,976 --> 00:14:15,611 to read me my horoscope and, like, 325 00:14:15,678 --> 00:14:18,047 "It says something very special is on the way for you." 326 00:14:18,114 --> 00:14:19,381 Really? 327 00:14:19,448 --> 00:14:22,685 It couldn't have said, "Mask up March 15th?" 328 00:14:22,752 --> 00:14:25,354 That would have still been mysterious. 329 00:14:30,793 --> 00:14:33,496 I... 330 00:14:33,562 --> 00:14:36,766 I had a hard time in lockdown. 331 00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:40,136 I really did. In quarantine, it was hard. 332 00:14:40,202 --> 00:14:43,672 It was really, really hard because it-- 333 00:14:43,739 --> 00:14:46,175 it made a liar out of me. 334 00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:49,111 It did. 335 00:14:49,178 --> 00:14:52,948 'Cause I've always said, my entire life... 336 00:14:54,450 --> 00:14:57,253 If I just had the time. 337 00:15:02,958 --> 00:15:04,994 Oh, if I had the time, 338 00:15:05,061 --> 00:15:08,431 I'd learn another language. 339 00:15:08,497 --> 00:15:10,599 I'd get ripped. 340 00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:12,068 I'd learn how to build a house. 341 00:15:12,134 --> 00:15:14,970 Turns out, if you lock me in my room for nine months, 342 00:15:14,970 --> 00:15:18,074 I won't do any of those things. 343 00:15:23,779 --> 00:15:26,348 I would just rather watch TV 344 00:15:26,415 --> 00:15:29,185 until I fall asleep in succession. 345 00:15:29,985 --> 00:15:32,655 I watched TV and fell asleep so many times 346 00:15:32,722 --> 00:15:34,557 that the only way that I knew if I ate 347 00:15:34,623 --> 00:15:38,160 was if I woke up with Dorito dust on my collar. 348 00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:41,430 I was just waking up middle of the day just-- 349 00:15:41,497 --> 00:15:43,132 [gasping for air] 350 00:15:43,199 --> 00:15:45,034 Oh. Oh, thank God. 351 00:15:45,101 --> 00:15:47,403 Oh. 352 00:15:49,405 --> 00:15:50,940 My--that became my life. 353 00:15:51,006 --> 00:15:53,809 My life just became screens nonstop. 354 00:15:53,943 --> 00:15:55,044 It was either my phone 355 00:15:55,111 --> 00:15:57,546 or my computer or my TV nonstop. 356 00:15:57,613 --> 00:16:00,049 I was either on the internet or I was watching something. 357 00:16:00,116 --> 00:16:02,351 And it got to be a lot. 358 00:16:02,418 --> 00:16:05,755 It got to the point where I knew I needed 359 00:16:05,821 --> 00:16:08,724 to take a break, you know? 360 00:16:08,791 --> 00:16:11,260 So I decided to do it. I put--I put everything down. 361 00:16:11,327 --> 00:16:14,397 I turned everything off, and I just sat in my room 362 00:16:14,463 --> 00:16:17,299 and I would just sit, and I would think. 363 00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:20,035 Just try to be alone with myself in a quiet place. 364 00:16:20,102 --> 00:16:21,604 Like suss myself out, 365 00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:23,606 get to know what I'm really about in here. 366 00:16:23,672 --> 00:16:24,740 And that... 367 00:16:24,807 --> 00:16:27,743 was a terrible mistake. 368 00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:28,978 It was. 369 00:16:28,978 --> 00:16:30,312 It was a terrible-- it was the-- 370 00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:32,581 one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. 371 00:16:32,648 --> 00:16:34,083 First of all, 372 00:16:34,150 --> 00:16:35,985 I'm just sitting, thinking. 373 00:16:35,985 --> 00:16:38,087 I'm not thinking after reading. 374 00:16:38,154 --> 00:16:41,223 I'm just thinking raw-ass thoughts. 375 00:16:42,558 --> 00:16:43,759 These aren't good thoughts. 376 00:16:43,826 --> 00:16:45,094 These are just things I'd normally 377 00:16:45,161 --> 00:16:48,564 be too distracted by TV to think. 378 00:16:48,631 --> 00:16:50,699 And they were real dumb. 379 00:16:50,766 --> 00:16:52,468 And that was heartbreaking. 380 00:16:52,535 --> 00:16:53,702 It was. 381 00:16:53,769 --> 00:16:55,371 I always thought if I just sat and thought, 382 00:16:55,438 --> 00:16:57,006 I'd come up with a theory or something. 383 00:16:57,073 --> 00:16:58,307 And I was just sitting there, like, 384 00:16:58,374 --> 00:16:59,942 "Oh, my God. All of these things are dumb. 385 00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,844 "Am I dumb? 386 00:17:01,944 --> 00:17:04,980 "Is this how dumb people find out? 387 00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:09,552 "'Cause that last thing was real dumb, 388 00:17:09,618 --> 00:17:12,421 and I'm the only one talking." 389 00:17:16,225 --> 00:17:19,128 That's what happens when you sit with your thoughts. 390 00:17:20,529 --> 00:17:22,565 But I knew I had to take a break. 391 00:17:22,631 --> 00:17:25,134 I knew it because 392 00:17:25,201 --> 00:17:28,270 I got to the point where 393 00:17:28,337 --> 00:17:31,741 I wasn't sure if I knew who I was 394 00:17:31,807 --> 00:17:34,610 when there wasn't a screen in front of my face, 395 00:17:34,677 --> 00:17:36,178 you know? 396 00:17:36,245 --> 00:17:39,181 Because I know it sounds bad to say, 397 00:17:39,248 --> 00:17:42,251 but there's an online me, and there's an in-person me. 398 00:17:42,318 --> 00:17:43,986 And I know it sounds fake to say that, 399 00:17:44,053 --> 00:17:47,356 but it's true, you know? 400 00:17:47,423 --> 00:17:50,993 And I'm scared that the online version is better. 401 00:17:52,294 --> 00:17:56,065 I am because online, I try to-- 402 00:17:56,132 --> 00:17:58,200 I try to educate people, you know? 403 00:17:58,267 --> 00:18:01,303 I--I take up for people that I don't know. 404 00:18:01,370 --> 00:18:04,540 I fight for causes that I believe in. 405 00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:06,409 But in real life, 406 00:18:06,475 --> 00:18:08,344 I saw my friend, Sean, get jumped, 407 00:18:08,411 --> 00:18:09,979 and I was like, "He probably did something. 408 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:12,047 "Uh... 409 00:18:14,817 --> 00:18:18,354 "I don't see how that's my business, you know? 410 00:18:18,421 --> 00:18:19,855 "Honestly, it wouldn't be three of them 411 00:18:19,955 --> 00:18:23,259 "if he didn't do it--if he didn't deserve it, you know? 412 00:18:23,325 --> 00:18:24,560 "In fact, let me turn around. 413 00:18:24,627 --> 00:18:27,730 "I don't like him screaming my name like that. 414 00:18:27,797 --> 00:18:31,434 I don't want to be involved." 415 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:32,435 You know? 416 00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,470 Online, I try to educate people 417 00:18:34,537 --> 00:18:36,972 that I feel like are being ignorant. 418 00:18:37,039 --> 00:18:39,308 But you know what I don't do in real life? 419 00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:40,476 Read! 420 00:18:40,543 --> 00:18:42,278 Like, I don't know where I get off 421 00:18:42,344 --> 00:18:44,280 talking down to people. 422 00:18:44,346 --> 00:18:47,016 'Cause I got a keyboard in front of me. 423 00:18:48,517 --> 00:18:50,653 Online, I tell people I don't know 424 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,390 to keep following their dream, okay? 425 00:18:54,457 --> 00:18:55,758 I tell them that they can do it. 426 00:18:55,825 --> 00:18:57,126 I don't know if they can do it. 427 00:18:57,193 --> 00:19:00,730 I keep telling them that they can do it, okay? 428 00:19:00,796 --> 00:19:02,031 And in real life, 429 00:19:02,098 --> 00:19:05,134 I gave a street performer money to stop. 430 00:19:08,204 --> 00:19:10,806 I was online, 431 00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:12,608 and I saw this guy 432 00:19:12,675 --> 00:19:15,244 making fun of this kid for being too skinny 433 00:19:15,311 --> 00:19:16,746 'cause he posted a workout video, 434 00:19:16,812 --> 00:19:18,948 and there was this big dude making fun of him, right? 435 00:19:18,981 --> 00:19:20,082 And so I told him, "Hey. 436 00:19:20,149 --> 00:19:21,717 "If you want to get your ass beat, 437 00:19:21,784 --> 00:19:24,053 come to this address." 438 00:19:27,523 --> 00:19:30,092 And in real life, I gave him my buddy Sean's address. 439 00:19:30,159 --> 00:19:33,362 See what I mean? Like... 440 00:19:33,429 --> 00:19:34,630 how was I supposed to know 441 00:19:34,697 --> 00:19:36,098 he was gonna bring two other people? 442 00:19:36,165 --> 00:19:38,434 That's just unfair. 443 00:19:41,666 --> 00:19:42,600 {\an7}- ’Cause I’m also relearning 444 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,062 {\an7}how to be in the world, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 445 00:19:45,062 --> 00:19:49,435 {\an7}\h\hI was awkward before, but I’m insufferable now. 446 00:19:49,435 --> 00:19:50,029 {\an7}I am. 447 00:19:50,029 --> 00:19:54,303 {\an7}\h\h\hI am almost a year out of practice from being weird. 448 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,930 {\an7}Like, I go--I go-- \h\hI go on walks, 449 00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,963 {\an7}and I remember I left the house \h\h\h\h\hfor this walk, right? 450 00:20:01,963 --> 00:20:05,161 {\an7}And while I was on it, \hI bumped into a guy. 451 00:20:05,161 --> 00:20:06,336 {\an7}\h\h\h\hAnd we bumped into each other hard 452 00:20:06,336 --> 00:20:08,501 {\an7}’cause we both just weren’t \h\h\h\h\hpaying attention. 453 00:20:08,501 --> 00:20:10,128 {\an7}And when I--I bumped into him, 454 00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:13,161 {\an7}I immediately whipped around \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto apologize. 455 00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:16,468 {\an7}But when I turned around, \hhe was standing there, 456 00:20:16,468 --> 00:20:19,501 {\an7}and a... 457 00:20:19,501 --> 00:20:23,996 {\an7}a gun had fallen out \h\hof his waistband. 458 00:20:25,864 --> 00:20:29,402 {\an7}And so I--I looked at the gun, 459 00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:31,996 {\an7}and I looked at him. 460 00:20:31,996 --> 00:20:33,864 {\an7}And he looked at the gun, 461 00:20:33,864 --> 00:20:35,567 {\an7}and he looked at me. 462 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:36,402 {\an7}And here’s the thing. 463 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,864 {\an7}I was raised in the South, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright? 464 00:20:38,864 --> 00:20:39,831 {\an7}So I was raised to be polite. 465 00:20:39,831 --> 00:20:43,161 {\an7}\hI was raised to, you know, make people feel comfortable, 466 00:20:43,161 --> 00:20:44,402 {\an7}be affable and everything. 467 00:20:44,402 --> 00:20:46,227 {\an7}So out of pure instinct, 468 00:20:46,227 --> 00:20:48,369 {\an7}I--I almost--I knelt down 469 00:20:48,369 --> 00:20:51,194 {\an7}to pick up this man’s gun. 470 00:20:54,468 --> 00:20:56,260 {\an7}And about halfway down, \h\h\h\h\h\hI was like, 471 00:20:56,260 --> 00:21:01,128 {\an7}"Let me not put my fingerprints \h\h\h\h\h\hon this loose gun." 472 00:21:01,336 --> 00:21:02,501 {\an7}He doesn’t even have a holster. 473 00:21:02,501 --> 00:21:04,930 {\an7}I am sure he is gonna do \h\h\h\hsomething illegal 474 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,369 {\an7}with this gun. 475 00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:10,194 {\an7}And so I just stood back up, \h\h\hand then he knelt down, 476 00:21:10,194 --> 00:21:11,468 {\an7}and he picked it up. 477 00:21:11,468 --> 00:21:14,468 {\an7}And he put it back \hin his waistband, 478 00:21:14,468 --> 00:21:18,435 {\an7}and we just stared \h\hat each other. 479 00:21:18,435 --> 00:21:20,501 {\an7}And then I went-- 480 00:21:20,501 --> 00:21:23,161 {\an7}[stutters] 481 00:21:24,468 --> 00:21:27,062 {\an7}"Evening." 482 00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:34,029 {\an7}I’ve never in my life. 483 00:21:34,029 --> 00:21:36,633 {\an7}"Evening, sir." 484 00:21:40,128 --> 00:21:42,095 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know why, but I felt like if I skipped, 485 00:21:42,095 --> 00:21:44,633 {\an7}he wouldn’t shoot me, you know what I mean? 486 00:21:44,633 --> 00:21:47,303 {\an7}I’m a moving target. 487 00:21:50,468 --> 00:21:53,336 {\an7}So as I was on a walk-- 488 00:21:53,336 --> 00:21:55,534 {\an7}’cause that’s all I do now. 489 00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:57,732 {\an7}\h\hJust leave the house and walk till I get tired 490 00:21:57,732 --> 00:22:01,336 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hand then come home and fall asleep and walk again. 491 00:22:01,336 --> 00:22:05,227 {\an7}I’m basically my own dog. 492 00:22:08,567 --> 00:22:10,633 {\an7}’Cause during lockdown, what else could you do? 493 00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:12,468 {\an7}That was all you could \h\h\h\h\honly go for. 494 00:22:12,468 --> 00:22:16,567 {\an7}Everything was closed, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 495 00:22:16,567 --> 00:22:19,336 {\an7}And so I was on this walk, 496 00:22:19,336 --> 00:22:23,732 {\an7}and I actually got to see \h\h\ha public proposal. 497 00:22:24,369 --> 00:22:27,435 {\an7}And I saw this guy stand \hin front of this woman, 498 00:22:27,435 --> 00:22:30,161 {\an7}and he took a step back, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he knelt. 499 00:22:30,161 --> 00:22:32,062 {\an7}He whipped a ring out. 500 00:22:32,062 --> 00:22:33,468 {\an7}He popped it open. 501 00:22:33,468 --> 00:22:35,227 {\an7}Asked her to marry him. 502 00:22:35,227 --> 00:22:36,600 {\an7}And then she 503 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,194 {\an7}hit him in the head \h\h\hwith a rock. 504 00:22:39,194 --> 00:22:41,128 {\an7}And... 505 00:22:41,128 --> 00:22:43,062 {\an7}I am not a relationship expert, 506 00:22:43,062 --> 00:22:44,369 {\an7}but that seems like a hard no. 507 00:22:44,369 --> 00:22:47,798 {\an7}\h\hThat’s a fast pass right there, you know? 508 00:22:47,798 --> 00:22:48,633 {\an7}And I don’t know them. 509 00:22:48,633 --> 00:22:50,194 {\an7}I don’t know what’s going on \h\h\hwith them or anything, 510 00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:52,732 {\an7}so I just had to insert \hsomething for myself. 511 00:22:52,732 --> 00:22:53,534 {\an7}And if I’m being honest, 512 00:22:53,534 --> 00:22:57,534 {\an7}\hlast year, a lot of people moved in together real quick. 513 00:22:57,534 --> 00:22:59,303 {\an7}\hThey were like, "Listen, it’s the end of the world. 514 00:22:59,303 --> 00:23:02,161 {\an7}"I’m not paying two rents, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 515 00:23:02,161 --> 00:23:03,369 {\an7}"Let’s just live together. 516 00:23:03,369 --> 00:23:07,062 {\an7}I like you enough. \h\hWe’ll survive." 517 00:23:07,062 --> 00:23:07,897 {\an7}So people partnered up 518 00:23:07,897 --> 00:23:09,161 {\an7}\h\h\hand maybe that’s what happened to them. 519 00:23:09,161 --> 00:23:12,798 {\an7}They partnered up early \h\h\hin the pandemic, 520 00:23:12,798 --> 00:23:13,699 {\an7}and every day, 521 00:23:13,699 --> 00:23:17,699 {\an7}he fell more and more \h\hin love with her. 522 00:23:17,699 --> 00:23:19,534 {\an7}And every day... 523 00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:27,303 {\an7}\h\hShe got sicker and sicker of him, 524 00:23:27,303 --> 00:23:27,864 {\an7}you know? 525 00:23:27,864 --> 00:23:31,468 {\an7}Month two: they’re sitting \h\hat the breakfast table 526 00:23:31,468 --> 00:23:32,633 {\an7}and he’s just looking at her. 527 00:23:32,633 --> 00:23:33,435 {\an7}He’s just thinking. 528 00:23:33,435 --> 00:23:34,798 {\an7}He’s not saying anything \h\h\h\hthat’s out loud. 529 00:23:34,798 --> 00:23:36,666 {\an7}He’s just thinking. 530 00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:37,798 {\an7}"Wow. 531 00:23:37,798 --> 00:23:39,534 {\an7}"The world may never \h\hbe normal again. 532 00:23:39,534 --> 00:23:41,600 {\an7}"The world may be changed \hforever as we know it, 533 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:46,336 {\an7}"and I get to be sitting across \h\hfrom this beautiful woman. 534 00:23:46,336 --> 00:23:49,260 {\an7}"This--this amazing woman, 535 00:23:49,260 --> 00:23:53,194 {\an7}"that she even eats cute. 536 00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:55,864 {\an7}"Look at her eating her cereal. 537 00:23:55,864 --> 00:23:58,864 {\an7}"Little--little bites. 538 00:23:59,765 --> 00:24:02,227 {\an7}\hShe is--she’s just too cute, you know?" 539 00:24:02,227 --> 00:24:05,732 {\an7}\hAnd then she’s sitting across from him thinking, 540 00:24:05,732 --> 00:24:08,303 {\an7}"Is this motherfucker \h\hwatching me chew? 541 00:24:08,303 --> 00:24:11,369 {\an7}"I don’t like him looking deep \h\h\h\hin my mouth like that. 542 00:24:11,369 --> 00:24:13,227 {\an7}"That is weird as hell. 543 00:24:13,227 --> 00:24:16,897 {\an7}Make me not even want \h\hmy food anymore." 544 00:24:18,468 --> 00:24:20,864 {\an7}Month four: 545 00:24:20,864 --> 00:24:24,402 {\an7}they’re laying down watching \h\h\h\h\h\ha movie together. 546 00:24:24,402 --> 00:24:28,798 {\an7}He has both of her hands \h\h\h\h\h\hin his hands. 547 00:24:28,798 --> 00:24:30,260 {\an7}And he’s just thinking, like, 548 00:24:30,260 --> 00:24:34,260 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h"Look at these-- look at these little hands. 549 00:24:34,534 --> 00:24:37,468 {\an7}\h\h\h"Look at these dainty little hands. 550 00:24:37,468 --> 00:24:41,501 {\an7}She has the cutest hands \h\h\h\h\hin the world." 551 00:24:41,501 --> 00:24:42,666 {\an7}And then she’s thinking, 552 00:24:42,666 --> 00:24:45,732 {\an7}"This clammy bitch. 553 00:24:46,699 --> 00:24:49,227 {\an7}\h\h\h"How did he even get his hands this wet? 554 00:24:49,227 --> 00:24:50,062 {\an7}"Did he wash his hands 555 00:24:50,062 --> 00:24:51,798 {\an7}\h\h"before he sat down and watched the movie? 556 00:24:51,798 --> 00:24:53,930 {\an7}"My hands are soaking wet \h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now. 557 00:24:53,930 --> 00:24:55,435 {\an7}"I am sopping wet. 558 00:24:55,435 --> 00:24:57,831 {\an7}"I got a cup of water in my hand right now 559 00:24:57,831 --> 00:24:59,534 {\an7}"from his weak fingers 560 00:24:59,534 --> 00:25:02,831 {\an7}rubbing up against my hands." 561 00:25:04,633 --> 00:25:07,402 {\an7}Month eight: 562 00:25:07,402 --> 00:25:09,336 {\an7}maybe they--maybe they’re \hon a walk or something. 563 00:25:09,336 --> 00:25:11,666 {\an7}Maybe they’re actually \h\h\h\hable to go out 564 00:25:11,666 --> 00:25:12,666 {\an7}and do a thing, you know? 565 00:25:12,666 --> 00:25:14,501 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hNot much is open, but maybe they go to, like, 566 00:25:14,501 --> 00:25:16,260 {\an7}a Froyo place or something. 567 00:25:16,260 --> 00:25:18,831 {\an7}They’re eating it together, \h\h\h\h\h\hand he’s like-- 568 00:25:18,831 --> 00:25:20,930 {\an7}[whimpering] 569 00:25:20,930 --> 00:25:22,897 {\an7}"Look at her eating \hher little Froyo. 570 00:25:22,897 --> 00:25:24,369 {\an7}"You know what? \hI can’t wait. 571 00:25:24,369 --> 00:25:26,633 {\an7}Tomorrow, I’m gonna do it." \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, no. 572 00:25:26,633 --> 00:25:29,534 {\an7}\h\h- "I’m going to ask this beautiful woman to marry me. 573 00:25:29,534 --> 00:25:31,402 {\an7}"I’m going to get down \h\h\h\h\h\hon one knee 574 00:25:31,402 --> 00:25:33,699 {\an7}"and ask this angel to make me 575 00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:36,260 {\an7}the happiest man in the world." 576 00:25:36,260 --> 00:25:38,798 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd then she was sitting there thinking, 577 00:25:38,798 --> 00:25:41,732 {\an7}"If his head was just \h\h\ha little lower, 578 00:25:41,732 --> 00:25:44,435 {\an7}"I bet I could knock it \h\h\h\h\h\hclean off. 579 00:25:44,435 --> 00:25:47,633 {\an7}"I bet I could crack \hhis damn cerebellum 580 00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:48,831 {\an7}if he gave me the chance." 581 00:25:48,831 --> 00:25:51,567 {\an7}Cause I should mention--I don’t know if I mentioned it up top-- 582 00:25:51,567 --> 00:25:53,996 {\an7}\h\hbut when she hit him in the head with a rock, 583 00:25:53,996 --> 00:25:55,534 {\an7}she didn’t pick up the rock. 584 00:25:55,534 --> 00:25:58,930 {\an7}She just had a rock on her, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hokay? 585 00:25:58,930 --> 00:26:00,303 {\an7}She was just as ready 586 00:26:00,303 --> 00:26:01,831 {\an7}to hit him in the head \h\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock 587 00:26:01,831 --> 00:26:04,765 {\an7}as he was to propose. 588 00:26:04,765 --> 00:26:05,831 {\an7}Both just walking all day 589 00:26:05,831 --> 00:26:07,699 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith a rock in their back pocket, 590 00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:10,765 {\an7}and hers was just bigger. 591 00:26:13,468 --> 00:26:14,369 {\an7}’Cause I should point out 592 00:26:14,369 --> 00:26:17,501 {\an7}\hI wasn’t the only one who saw this, you know? 593 00:26:17,501 --> 00:26:21,303 {\an7}Like, with any public proposal, \h\h\ha crowd gathered around. 594 00:26:21,303 --> 00:26:23,798 {\an7}\hPeople were aww-ing. People started to clap. 595 00:26:23,798 --> 00:26:24,996 {\an7}This proposal got claps. 596 00:26:24,996 --> 00:26:27,732 {\an7}But it only got two claps 597 00:26:27,732 --> 00:26:28,732 {\an7}’cause people saw him kneel. 598 00:26:28,732 --> 00:26:31,029 {\an7}And they even started--they’re \h\h\hlike, "That is so beau-- 599 00:26:31,029 --> 00:26:34,633 {\an7}We should mind our business. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hLet’s just go." 600 00:26:40,454 --> 00:26:41,355 - When I was trying to take a break from my phone, 601 00:26:41,422 --> 00:26:42,590 you know what I really missed? 602 00:26:42,656 --> 00:26:44,759 My phone. 603 00:26:44,825 --> 00:26:47,261 I did. It was like--it hurt. 604 00:26:47,328 --> 00:26:48,496 It--it was weird. 605 00:26:48,562 --> 00:26:51,866 It's hard to even explain, you know? 606 00:26:51,932 --> 00:26:55,669 And it's when-- it's when it occurred to me 607 00:26:55,736 --> 00:26:59,039 that no one will ever love anyone 608 00:26:59,106 --> 00:27:01,675 as much as you love your phone. 609 00:27:01,742 --> 00:27:04,879 I know it sounds sad to say, but it's true. 610 00:27:04,945 --> 00:27:06,914 It is. 611 00:27:06,981 --> 00:27:08,215 You know? 612 00:27:08,282 --> 00:27:09,817 I've had conversations with people, 613 00:27:09,884 --> 00:27:12,620 deep, long conversations where I was like, 614 00:27:12,686 --> 00:27:14,288 "Wow, right now in this moment, 615 00:27:14,355 --> 00:27:16,023 "I think I'm making a friend for life. 616 00:27:16,090 --> 00:27:17,425 "I've opened up to this person 617 00:27:17,491 --> 00:27:19,260 more than I've opened up to anyone in years." 618 00:27:19,326 --> 00:27:21,929 And eventually, they do just pull out their phone and start, 619 00:27:21,996 --> 00:27:23,497 like, checking something. 620 00:27:23,564 --> 00:27:25,499 And that's supposed to be rude, but it's not rude. 621 00:27:25,566 --> 00:27:28,869 The phone is better. 622 00:27:28,936 --> 00:27:30,171 It is. 623 00:27:30,237 --> 00:27:31,539 You can do anything you want on the phone, 624 00:27:31,605 --> 00:27:34,341 and I'm just yapping about my parents' divorce. 625 00:27:34,408 --> 00:27:35,943 They pull out the phone like, 626 00:27:36,010 --> 00:27:38,179 "This is way better than what was happening two seconds ago. 627 00:27:38,245 --> 00:27:39,613 "Oh, my God. 628 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,949 Oh, he's still going. He is a mess." 629 00:27:45,252 --> 00:27:47,021 You know? 630 00:27:49,724 --> 00:27:52,393 I drop my phone sometimes. 631 00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:54,829 I don't know if anyone else here does. 632 00:27:54,962 --> 00:27:56,697 But think about the noises you make 633 00:27:56,764 --> 00:27:58,966 when you almost drop your phone. 634 00:28:00,634 --> 00:28:03,170 The true heartbreaking noises that you make. 635 00:28:03,237 --> 00:28:04,805 It hadn't even hit the ground yet and you're like-- 636 00:28:04,872 --> 00:28:07,775 [shrieking] 637 00:28:09,076 --> 00:28:11,011 That was just it slipping through one finger. 638 00:28:11,078 --> 00:28:13,013 It's still--it's still in your hand, but you-- 639 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,150 [shrieking] 640 00:28:16,217 --> 00:28:17,351 And you mean it. 641 00:28:17,418 --> 00:28:19,186 It's coming from deep in here. 642 00:28:19,253 --> 00:28:20,688 It's coming from the heart. 643 00:28:20,755 --> 00:28:22,390 You couldn't mean it more. 644 00:28:22,456 --> 00:28:26,260 It's biological in you to make that noise 645 00:28:26,327 --> 00:28:28,729 when you're dropping your baby. 646 00:28:31,732 --> 00:28:34,335 Now think of the noises we make 647 00:28:34,402 --> 00:28:37,204 when we see actual car accidents. 648 00:28:37,271 --> 00:28:40,074 "Ooh, that's messed up. I hope everybody okay. 649 00:28:40,141 --> 00:28:41,375 That looks terrible." 650 00:28:41,442 --> 00:28:43,778 You see how those should be reversed? 651 00:28:45,179 --> 00:28:46,447 'Cause truly, I drop my phone, 652 00:28:46,514 --> 00:28:49,817 and I go through all five stages of grief. 653 00:28:49,950 --> 00:28:51,218 I really do. 654 00:28:51,285 --> 00:28:52,787 You know? 655 00:28:52,853 --> 00:28:53,954 I drop it. 656 00:28:53,988 --> 00:28:55,489 It hits the ground. 657 00:28:55,556 --> 00:28:57,491 Denial. [scoffs] 658 00:28:57,558 --> 00:28:59,293 "That's--that's--that's-- that's not a crack. 659 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:00,628 "That's just a hair, all right? 660 00:29:00,694 --> 00:29:02,530 "That's just a hair, and as soon as I wipe it, 661 00:29:02,596 --> 00:29:04,665 "I'm gonna be gucci, okay? My phone is fine. 662 00:29:04,732 --> 00:29:06,734 "I did not just mess up my phone just now. 663 00:29:06,801 --> 00:29:09,003 I'm good. I'm good." 664 00:29:09,070 --> 00:29:10,204 Anger. "Fuck! 665 00:29:10,271 --> 00:29:12,740 "I can't believe 666 00:29:12,807 --> 00:29:15,209 "I just dropped this phone 667 00:29:15,276 --> 00:29:17,378 "right outside the Apple store. 668 00:29:17,445 --> 00:29:19,980 "I am standing-- I bought it six seconds ago. 669 00:29:20,047 --> 00:29:22,883 "Cashier is still looking at me in the face. 670 00:29:22,983 --> 00:29:25,853 "He waving at me, and I dropped this phone 671 00:29:25,986 --> 00:29:28,989 through these brittle fingers." 672 00:29:28,989 --> 00:29:30,891 Bargaining. "That's just the case. 673 00:29:30,991 --> 00:29:32,760 "That's the ca-- that's the case whole job 674 00:29:32,827 --> 00:29:34,995 "is to be like the Secret Service of the phone 675 00:29:34,995 --> 00:29:36,597 "and take the hits for the phone. 676 00:29:36,664 --> 00:29:38,232 "So that's where it's just like a little soldier. 677 00:29:38,299 --> 00:29:39,667 "It took that hit. It cracked. 678 00:29:39,734 --> 00:29:41,235 My phone is fine though." 679 00:29:41,302 --> 00:29:42,636 Depression. "My ex was right. 680 00:29:42,703 --> 00:29:45,039 "I don't handle responsibility well at all 681 00:29:45,106 --> 00:29:46,607 "and that's why she left. 682 00:29:46,674 --> 00:29:49,076 And honestly, I think she made the right move." 683 00:29:50,945 --> 00:29:52,146 Acceptance. "You know what? 684 00:29:52,213 --> 00:29:55,616 "I just don't deserve nice things, okay? 685 00:29:55,683 --> 00:29:56,984 "I don't know where I get off getting it. 686 00:29:57,051 --> 00:29:59,854 I should've got a Nokia like I deserve." 687 00:30:01,756 --> 00:30:03,958 I've been visiting more people now, 688 00:30:03,958 --> 00:30:05,726 now that things are opening up and stuff. 689 00:30:05,793 --> 00:30:08,396 And I went to visit 690 00:30:08,462 --> 00:30:10,498 one of my friends who I haven't seen 691 00:30:10,564 --> 00:30:13,868 since before any of the pandemic, you know? 692 00:30:13,968 --> 00:30:15,536 I haven't seen him in a whole year, 693 00:30:15,603 --> 00:30:17,605 and he lives with his mom, 694 00:30:17,671 --> 00:30:20,508 his dad, his grandma, 695 00:30:20,574 --> 00:30:22,009 and his cousin. 696 00:30:22,076 --> 00:30:23,511 And it was so good to see all of them, 697 00:30:23,577 --> 00:30:24,979 hang out a little bit, 698 00:30:24,979 --> 00:30:28,115 catch up and stuff, but while I was there... 699 00:30:30,117 --> 00:30:32,386 I-- 700 00:30:32,453 --> 00:30:34,455 not sure how to-- 701 00:30:34,522 --> 00:30:35,589 while I was--basically, 702 00:30:35,656 --> 00:30:36,991 my boy's grandma got a crush on me, 703 00:30:37,058 --> 00:30:39,794 and I don't know what to do about it. 704 00:30:39,927 --> 00:30:41,162 And I heard a couple "awws." 705 00:30:41,228 --> 00:30:43,497 This is not a Hallmark crush, all right? 706 00:30:43,564 --> 00:30:45,266 This woman has carnal intentions 707 00:30:45,332 --> 00:30:47,601 towards my body, okay? 708 00:30:47,668 --> 00:30:50,504 She's not messing around. 709 00:30:50,571 --> 00:30:52,073 Okay? 710 00:30:52,139 --> 00:30:54,708 I was--I was--I was hanging out there, and first of all, 711 00:30:54,775 --> 00:30:56,844 she wait till everybody leave the room to hit on me. 712 00:30:56,944 --> 00:30:59,146 That's how you know she a predator, okay? 713 00:30:59,213 --> 00:31:01,482 She wait till she can make it he said, she said, right? 714 00:31:01,549 --> 00:31:03,951 So then everybody left the room for a different reason, 715 00:31:04,018 --> 00:31:07,088 and she got right up on me, just in my face all over me. 716 00:31:07,154 --> 00:31:08,823 And I tried to let her down easy. 717 00:31:08,956 --> 00:31:12,193 I try and make it scientific about the pandemic, you know? 718 00:31:13,694 --> 00:31:15,696 I was like, "Ma'am, ma'am, 719 00:31:15,763 --> 00:31:18,632 "we should social distance... 720 00:31:20,968 --> 00:31:23,437 "because, you know, right now, I'm not vaccinated. 721 00:31:23,504 --> 00:31:25,840 "You're not vaccinated, okay? 722 00:31:25,973 --> 00:31:27,508 "And you're in a high-risk demographic. 723 00:31:27,575 --> 00:31:30,211 I would hate for something to happen to you, all right?" 724 00:31:30,277 --> 00:31:31,712 That's what I said. 725 00:31:31,779 --> 00:31:34,882 And then she went... 726 00:31:34,982 --> 00:31:36,484 [laughs] "Oh, sweetie. 727 00:31:36,550 --> 00:31:38,252 I'm high risk and high reward." 728 00:31:38,319 --> 00:31:40,321 I was like-- 729 00:31:40,388 --> 00:31:43,290 [cheers and applause] 730 00:31:50,331 --> 00:31:52,633 So I just stuck to my buddy like glue. 731 00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:55,002 Anywhere he went is where I went in the house. 732 00:31:55,069 --> 00:31:57,104 Just--I was--I was right behind him everywhere he went. 733 00:31:57,171 --> 00:31:58,806 I just didn't want to be left alone with her again 734 00:31:58,939 --> 00:32:02,843 'cause that mean she's aggressive, okay? 735 00:32:02,943 --> 00:32:04,945 And I'm not gonna lie. 736 00:32:04,979 --> 00:32:07,548 She old, but I think she faking it 737 00:32:07,615 --> 00:32:09,016 'cause she's old, but she's fast. 738 00:32:09,083 --> 00:32:10,718 'Cause if we would leave the room, 739 00:32:10,785 --> 00:32:12,253 and she wouldn't be in the room with us at all, 740 00:32:12,319 --> 00:32:14,989 and I would turn around, she'd just be right behind me. 741 00:32:15,056 --> 00:32:18,225 Like, are you running? How are you doing this? 742 00:32:18,292 --> 00:32:21,829 But she was behind me, and she pinched my butt. 743 00:32:21,962 --> 00:32:24,598 And pitching butts is that old lady sexual harassment 744 00:32:24,665 --> 00:32:26,801 that nobody cares about, you know? 745 00:32:26,867 --> 00:32:30,671 Even if I tell people like, "She got me, all right?" 746 00:32:30,738 --> 00:32:33,340 They're like, "Well... [scoffs] 747 00:32:33,407 --> 00:32:34,608 "She's 85. 748 00:32:34,675 --> 00:32:36,977 "You should've been faster, okay? 749 00:32:36,977 --> 00:32:39,080 Honestly, just move." 750 00:32:40,347 --> 00:32:41,749 But she did. 751 00:32:41,816 --> 00:32:43,651 She pinched my butt and then whispered in my ear, 752 00:32:43,717 --> 00:32:45,686 "You firm like my mattress." 753 00:32:45,753 --> 00:32:49,523 It's like, "Oh, my God. 754 00:32:49,590 --> 00:32:53,260 "Oh, my God. 755 00:32:53,327 --> 00:32:56,130 I am going to leave." 756 00:32:56,197 --> 00:32:59,734 And so I left, and I don't know how, but she got my number. 757 00:33:01,702 --> 00:33:03,003 I think she got it out of my buddy's phone 758 00:33:03,070 --> 00:33:04,705 when he wasn't paying attention. 759 00:33:04,772 --> 00:33:06,340 And she has been sending me 760 00:33:06,407 --> 00:33:09,944 nonstop thirst traps, okay? 761 00:33:09,977 --> 00:33:11,312 But they're granny thirst traps 762 00:33:11,378 --> 00:33:13,380 so it's just pictures of food that she cook. 763 00:33:13,447 --> 00:33:16,117 But still--still, 764 00:33:16,183 --> 00:33:18,819 there is innuendo involved, you know? 765 00:33:18,953 --> 00:33:21,722 She sent me a picture of a cobbler 766 00:33:21,789 --> 00:33:23,491 and then text me under it, 767 00:33:23,557 --> 00:33:26,727 "I could break you off some if you want to come on through." 768 00:33:26,794 --> 00:33:28,796 I was like, 769 00:33:28,863 --> 00:33:32,299 "I am going to throw my phone in the river. 770 00:33:32,366 --> 00:33:36,170 I hate this way more than I love my phone." 771 00:33:39,886 --> 00:33:41,721 {\an7}- I just want people \h\h\h\hto be happy. 772 00:33:41,721 --> 00:33:45,985 {\an7}\hI feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way. 773 00:33:45,985 --> 00:33:48,622 {\an7}Like I--I--I have friends 774 00:33:48,622 --> 00:33:50,513 {\an7}who are dating, 775 00:33:50,513 --> 00:33:53,853 {\an7}\h\h\h\htrying to date in New York and stuff. 776 00:33:53,853 --> 00:33:54,985 {\an7}\hAnd especially my female friends 777 00:33:54,985 --> 00:33:57,820 {\an7}\h\h\hwill talk to me about their troubles 778 00:33:57,820 --> 00:34:00,084 {\an7}trying to date in, like, \h\ha metropolitan city-- 779 00:34:00,084 --> 00:34:03,655 {\an7}\htrying to date in the age of the apps and everything. 780 00:34:03,655 --> 00:34:07,556 {\an7}\h\hAnd I even had one friend, she came to me with this list. 781 00:34:07,556 --> 00:34:09,150 {\an7}And it was the list \h\h\hof everything 782 00:34:09,150 --> 00:34:12,249 {\an7}\h\hthat she wanted in a guy, you know? 783 00:34:12,249 --> 00:34:16,556 {\an7}\hAnd I told her honestly ’cause I care about her, 784 00:34:16,556 --> 00:34:18,249 {\an7}"I need you to take that list 785 00:34:18,249 --> 00:34:21,150 {\an7}"and throw it in the trash, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 786 00:34:21,150 --> 00:34:23,721 {\an7}"Burn it if you have to \hif that will help you 787 00:34:23,721 --> 00:34:26,117 {\an7}forget the memory." 788 00:34:26,315 --> 00:34:29,084 {\an7}\hI’ll tell you right now, there’s only three things. 789 00:34:29,084 --> 00:34:32,919 {\an7}There’s only three attributes \h\h\hthat you could hope for 790 00:34:32,919 --> 00:34:36,216 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin a guy that you’re gonna make a partner. 791 00:34:36,216 --> 00:34:39,183 {\an7}There’s only three. 792 00:34:39,183 --> 00:34:43,348 {\an7}You need to pick two, okay? 793 00:34:44,051 --> 00:34:47,754 {\an7}You need to pick two \h\h\hof those three, 794 00:34:47,754 --> 00:34:50,952 {\an7}whichever two you can live with 795 00:34:50,952 --> 00:34:53,622 {\an7}and move on ’cause you’re not gonna get all three. 796 00:34:53,622 --> 00:34:57,721 {\an7}\h\h\h\hI hate it for you, but it’s not gonna happen. 797 00:34:58,919 --> 00:35:02,051 {\an7}I’ll go over ’em right now. 798 00:35:02,051 --> 00:35:05,051 {\an7}There’s good dick, 799 00:35:05,051 --> 00:35:07,282 {\an7}good person, 800 00:35:07,282 --> 00:35:08,688 {\an7}got his shit together. 801 00:35:08,688 --> 00:35:12,589 {\an7}\hYou need to pick two of those three. 802 00:35:18,018 --> 00:35:21,150 {\an7}Whichever two work for you 803 00:35:21,150 --> 00:35:23,886 {\an7}and move on. 804 00:35:23,886 --> 00:35:26,886 {\an7}And if he has one, leave. 805 00:35:26,886 --> 00:35:30,150 {\an7}Don’t let a one ruin your life. 806 00:35:31,589 --> 00:35:34,315 {\an7}Just one! \h\h\hMm. 807 00:35:35,018 --> 00:35:36,183 {\an7}I honestly--I have friends 808 00:35:36,183 --> 00:35:37,249 {\an7}\hcomplain to me about their ones, 809 00:35:37,249 --> 00:35:39,787 {\an7}and I’m falling asleep listening to the story 810 00:35:39,787 --> 00:35:40,589 {\an7}’cause it’s just boring. 811 00:35:40,589 --> 00:35:42,721 {\an7}It’s like, "Well, you told me \hyou had one to begin with, 812 00:35:42,721 --> 00:35:46,853 {\an7}so what are we really \h\h\htalking about?" 813 00:35:47,084 --> 00:35:50,282 {\an7}If he’s just a good person, 814 00:35:50,282 --> 00:35:52,952 {\an7}doesn’t have good dick, 815 00:35:52,952 --> 00:35:55,216 {\an7}doesn’t have his shit together, 816 00:35:55,216 --> 00:35:58,150 {\an7}just a good person? 817 00:36:04,150 --> 00:36:05,820 {\an7}That’s a friend. 818 00:36:05,820 --> 00:36:08,721 {\an7}Like, that’s... 819 00:36:14,919 --> 00:36:16,985 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hY’all can hang out on the weekends, go to museums. 820 00:36:16,985 --> 00:36:20,919 {\an7}I don’t know why you trying \hto force more, you know? 821 00:36:20,919 --> 00:36:23,853 {\an7}If he’s just good dick, 822 00:36:23,853 --> 00:36:26,315 {\an7}just good dick, 823 00:36:26,315 --> 00:36:27,414 {\an7}not a good person, 824 00:36:27,414 --> 00:36:30,117 {\an7}doesn’t have his shit together, 825 00:36:30,117 --> 00:36:31,985 {\an7}just good dick? 826 00:36:31,985 --> 00:36:33,721 {\an7}That’s literally a dildo. 827 00:36:33,721 --> 00:36:37,919 {\an7}That’s what a dildo is for. 828 00:36:38,414 --> 00:36:39,381 {\an7}Why are you stressed over him? 829 00:36:39,381 --> 00:36:43,853 {\an7}Make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave! 830 00:36:45,183 --> 00:36:47,820 {\an7}Nobody puts their vibrator \hback in the drawer, like, 831 00:36:47,820 --> 00:36:49,084 {\an7}"He forgot my birthday." 832 00:36:49,084 --> 00:36:51,414 {\an7}Like, that’s... 833 00:36:52,018 --> 00:36:54,117 {\an7}It’s not gonna happen \h\h\hif you treat it 834 00:36:54,117 --> 00:36:57,117 {\an7}like what it’s for. 835 00:36:57,919 --> 00:37:00,853 {\an7}\h\h’Cause you’re not gonna get all three. 836 00:37:00,853 --> 00:37:01,952 {\an7}And I hate it for you. 837 00:37:01,952 --> 00:37:05,754 {\an7}I really do. \hSincerely. 838 00:37:06,084 --> 00:37:08,853 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hAnd every time I have this conversation 839 00:37:08,853 --> 00:37:10,754 {\an7}with--with my friends, 840 00:37:10,754 --> 00:37:12,249 {\an7}sometimes they--they get upset. 841 00:37:12,249 --> 00:37:14,787 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hNot every time. Sometimes they do get upset 842 00:37:14,787 --> 00:37:18,216 {\an7}and they’re like, "No. 843 00:37:21,447 --> 00:37:23,348 {\an7}"No, he has all three. 844 00:37:23,348 --> 00:37:25,150 {\an7}"No. 845 00:37:25,150 --> 00:37:26,447 {\an7}"No, he has all three. 846 00:37:26,447 --> 00:37:28,754 {\an7}"I know it. 847 00:37:28,754 --> 00:37:29,414 {\an7}"I feel it. 848 00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:31,919 {\an7}\h\h"I feel it here and here and here. 849 00:37:31,919 --> 00:37:33,886 {\an7}"No. 850 00:37:33,886 --> 00:37:36,150 {\an7}He has all three." 851 00:37:36,150 --> 00:37:38,051 {\an7}If you really think \hhe has all three, 852 00:37:38,051 --> 00:37:39,820 {\an7}he’s going to kill you, \h\h\h\h\h\hall right? 853 00:37:39,820 --> 00:37:44,216 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThat is a murderer putting on a facade, okay? 854 00:37:44,919 --> 00:37:47,249 {\an7}I’m sure all 33 women \h\hthought Ted Bundy 855 00:37:47,249 --> 00:37:50,117 {\an7}had all three, you know? 856 00:37:50,117 --> 00:37:51,853 {\an7}Like, "No, Ted is just nice. 857 00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:53,853 {\an7}"You know, it’s just nice to meet a guy that, like, 858 00:37:53,853 --> 00:37:56,381 {\an7}\h\h"has his shit together, is a lawyer and everything, 859 00:37:56,381 --> 00:37:58,084 {\an7}"and, like, knows how to-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\hknows his way 860 00:37:58,084 --> 00:37:59,414 {\an7}"around the bedroom, knows how to listen. 861 00:37:59,414 --> 00:38:01,315 {\an7}"Why are you looking at me \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that? 862 00:38:01,315 --> 00:38:01,919 {\an7}[yelps]" 863 00:38:01,919 --> 00:38:05,556 {\an7}\hLike, that’s how it went every time. 864 00:38:07,853 --> 00:38:10,952 {\an7}You know what--you wanna \h\hknow what bothers me? 865 00:38:10,952 --> 00:38:13,051 {\an7}What really upsets me? 866 00:38:13,051 --> 00:38:16,381 {\an7}What even scares me \h\h\ha little bit? 867 00:38:16,381 --> 00:38:20,084 {\an7}I don’t know which two I am. 868 00:38:25,249 --> 00:38:26,820 {\an7}\h’Cause I don’t get to decide, you know? 869 00:38:26,820 --> 00:38:30,018 {\an7}That’s another person’s \h\hdecision about me. 870 00:38:30,018 --> 00:38:31,886 {\an7}I’m scared I’m going \h\hto be laying back 871 00:38:31,886 --> 00:38:33,513 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hwith my girl years from now, right? 872 00:38:33,513 --> 00:38:34,589 {\an7}\hYears from now just laying back. 873 00:38:34,589 --> 00:38:38,051 {\an7}We’re talking about this, and I lean over to her, and I’m like, 874 00:38:38,051 --> 00:38:42,414 {\an7}\h\h\h\h"I’m--I’m good dick and a good person, right?" 875 00:38:48,084 --> 00:38:52,556 {\an7}And she’s like, "You have a great job, all right?" 876 00:38:53,886 --> 00:38:57,414 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 877 00:39:03,344 --> 00:39:04,946 - Last year was tough because 878 00:39:05,013 --> 00:39:08,116 I also lost people, you know? 879 00:39:08,183 --> 00:39:11,052 We all did to a certain degree. 880 00:39:11,119 --> 00:39:14,189 We lost people, and some of the people that I've lost, 881 00:39:14,255 --> 00:39:16,324 like, I--I had a friend who passed away. 882 00:39:16,391 --> 00:39:19,160 And he passed away 883 00:39:19,227 --> 00:39:21,863 during the height of infection, so we couldn't gather, 884 00:39:21,930 --> 00:39:24,466 we couldn't go all be together 885 00:39:24,532 --> 00:39:27,569 and mourn him properly. 886 00:39:27,635 --> 00:39:31,806 And so we, uh... 887 00:39:31,873 --> 00:39:34,843 we had to have a Zoom funeral. 888 00:39:37,545 --> 00:39:41,282 I don't know if you've been to a Zoom meeting, 889 00:39:41,349 --> 00:39:43,752 but this had all the awkwardness 890 00:39:43,818 --> 00:39:44,986 of a Zoom meeting 891 00:39:45,053 --> 00:39:46,688 but added as a funeral. 892 00:39:46,755 --> 00:39:48,590 It was terrible. 893 00:39:48,656 --> 00:39:52,494 'Cause at least at a funeral, at a real funeral, right? 894 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,262 We're all facing the body. 895 00:39:54,329 --> 00:39:56,965 We're all collectively facing the same direction, 896 00:39:57,031 --> 00:39:58,433 looking at the body. 897 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:02,370 And on Zoom, we are all facing each other. 898 00:40:04,672 --> 00:40:05,974 And I'm not going to lie. 899 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,576 Not everybody looks upset enough for me, okay? 900 00:40:08,643 --> 00:40:10,078 There's some people whose screens are blue. 901 00:40:10,145 --> 00:40:11,579 I'm like, "You playing 'Cyberpunk.' 902 00:40:11,646 --> 00:40:12,847 "I could already tell. 903 00:40:12,914 --> 00:40:14,282 Why are you blue, and nobody else is blue?" 904 00:40:14,282 --> 00:40:16,117 There was one dude that was just eating chips, 905 00:40:16,184 --> 00:40:18,853 like, how are you gonna let him eat the chips? 906 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:20,388 He just eating chips and they'd take it off 907 00:40:20,455 --> 00:40:22,390 'cause he's making noise eating the chips 908 00:40:22,457 --> 00:40:23,758 completely unmuted. 909 00:40:23,825 --> 00:40:25,026 It's just preacher, Pringles, 910 00:40:25,093 --> 00:40:27,328 preacher, Pringles, preacher, Pringles. 911 00:40:28,997 --> 00:40:31,966 I know you at your house, but this is a funeral. 912 00:40:33,168 --> 00:40:34,969 No, it was horrible. 913 00:40:35,036 --> 00:40:38,339 People didn't know they weren't muted. 914 00:40:38,406 --> 00:40:39,541 There was one dude that was like, 915 00:40:39,607 --> 00:40:41,109 "It's a funeral. 916 00:40:41,176 --> 00:40:43,678 "No, it's a funeral. 917 00:40:43,745 --> 00:40:45,647 "Willy died. 918 00:40:45,714 --> 00:40:46,981 "I told you Willy died. 919 00:40:47,048 --> 00:40:48,316 "Look, he on the screen right here. 920 00:40:48,316 --> 00:40:50,418 "Come look. Come look. 921 00:40:50,485 --> 00:40:51,753 "They got him all messed up though. 922 00:40:51,820 --> 00:40:53,154 "They messed up that last haircut. 923 00:40:53,221 --> 00:40:54,622 "I wouldn't let 'em bury me like that. 924 00:40:54,689 --> 00:40:55,724 "That's terrible. Oh, my God. 925 00:40:55,790 --> 00:40:57,325 I'm not muted. I'm not muted!" 926 00:40:59,894 --> 00:41:01,629 Preacher got on there. 927 00:41:01,696 --> 00:41:04,632 And here's the thing; there was at least one family member 928 00:41:04,699 --> 00:41:07,168 that was allowed to be at the funeral home with the preacher 929 00:41:07,268 --> 00:41:08,269 with the body and everything, 930 00:41:08,269 --> 00:41:10,538 and they said that he preached 931 00:41:10,605 --> 00:41:13,341 a--a really uplifting sermon, you know? 932 00:41:13,408 --> 00:41:15,410 Especially if you, you know, grew up Christian or something. 933 00:41:15,477 --> 00:41:16,745 He used all the-- 934 00:41:16,811 --> 00:41:18,446 all the things we've all heard before, you know? 935 00:41:18,513 --> 00:41:22,083 Got up there, acted like it was a full church house, 936 00:41:22,150 --> 00:41:24,786 even though it was just a webcam and one person. 937 00:41:24,853 --> 00:41:26,321 And he was like, 938 00:41:26,388 --> 00:41:30,291 "See, see, see, see, see, Willy, Willy, 939 00:41:30,291 --> 00:41:31,893 "Willy may be dead. We already know that. 940 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,129 "We know Willy dead, okay? 941 00:41:34,195 --> 00:41:35,697 "But his body is dead. 942 00:41:35,764 --> 00:41:39,200 "His soul! His soul! 943 00:41:39,300 --> 00:41:42,103 "His soul is up there with the Redeemer, all right? 944 00:41:42,170 --> 00:41:45,306 "His soul is with the one that ascended, all right? 945 00:41:45,373 --> 00:41:48,076 "It's with the one that ascended! 946 00:41:48,143 --> 00:41:50,512 "Willy out there doing-- doing moonwalking with Jesus 947 00:41:50,578 --> 00:41:51,946 "right now. 948 00:41:52,013 --> 00:41:53,615 "Don't mourn for Willy, all right? 949 00:41:53,681 --> 00:41:56,418 "Willy having a good time up in the clouds. 950 00:41:57,419 --> 00:41:59,888 "No pain, no suffering, okay? 951 00:41:59,954 --> 00:42:01,356 "Willy in a better place now. 952 00:42:01,423 --> 00:42:03,691 "Willy may be dead, all right? 953 00:42:03,758 --> 00:42:06,661 But he is not gone, all right?" 954 00:42:07,662 --> 00:42:09,564 Sure. 955 00:42:11,032 --> 00:42:12,333 [sighs] 956 00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:15,437 But his connection had a lag. 957 00:42:18,907 --> 00:42:23,978 So all we heard on our end was, 958 00:42:24,045 --> 00:42:25,980 "Willy. 959 00:42:28,650 --> 00:42:30,452 "Ass. 960 00:42:33,922 --> 00:42:36,157 "Dead. 961 00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,129 Gone." 962 00:42:44,699 --> 00:42:46,034 I'm like, "That--that about sums it up, 963 00:42:46,101 --> 00:42:48,536 but that's pretty rude." 964 00:42:53,308 --> 00:42:55,076 It's really good. 965 00:42:55,143 --> 00:42:57,178 It's for the best 966 00:42:57,312 --> 00:42:58,847 that I'm gonna die. 967 00:42:58,913 --> 00:43:00,482 Not now. 968 00:43:00,548 --> 00:43:02,417 I wanna live a long life and everything and all that stuff. 969 00:43:02,484 --> 00:43:05,553 But still, like, eventually, mm-- 970 00:43:05,620 --> 00:43:07,655 we're done. 971 00:43:07,722 --> 00:43:09,491 And I say that because here's the thing. 972 00:43:09,557 --> 00:43:12,160 I--I feel--I feel at least-- I don't know. 973 00:43:12,260 --> 00:43:14,496 But I think that I'm a good person, 974 00:43:14,562 --> 00:43:17,766 and I do the best to make the world as good of a place 975 00:43:17,832 --> 00:43:20,301 as I can for the people that I meet, you know? 976 00:43:20,368 --> 00:43:22,270 If I hurt someone, I try to fix it. 977 00:43:22,337 --> 00:43:24,172 And if someone is hurt already, 978 00:43:24,272 --> 00:43:26,007 I try and make them feel better, you know? 979 00:43:26,074 --> 00:43:27,642 I just want to help. 980 00:43:27,709 --> 00:43:31,279 And I think--I think I'm as progressive as you could get. 981 00:43:31,312 --> 00:43:33,915 I don't know, maybe. 982 00:43:33,982 --> 00:43:36,384 But give me 80 years. 983 00:43:36,451 --> 00:43:39,954 I'm sure I'll hit a wall somewhere. 984 00:43:40,021 --> 00:43:42,057 It happens to everybody. 985 00:43:42,123 --> 00:43:43,291 Everybody hits a wall. 986 00:43:43,324 --> 00:43:44,993 They act like there's this huge, like, 987 00:43:45,060 --> 00:43:46,995 there--there-- there's this huge battle 988 00:43:47,062 --> 00:43:50,031 between the generations, and there's not. 989 00:43:50,098 --> 00:43:52,700 It's just medicine got too good. 990 00:43:54,135 --> 00:43:55,904 So people that were nice and then should have died 991 00:43:55,970 --> 00:43:59,541 are still alive and very upset, saying terrible things. 992 00:44:02,143 --> 00:44:03,478 And I'm not better than anybody. 993 00:44:03,545 --> 00:44:06,481 I could be one of them, you know? 994 00:44:06,548 --> 00:44:07,882 I know people 995 00:44:07,949 --> 00:44:10,251 who marched in the Civil Rights Movement, right? 996 00:44:10,318 --> 00:44:12,153 For equality. 997 00:44:12,253 --> 00:44:14,422 Just be able to have what someone else has 998 00:44:14,489 --> 00:44:17,158 by virtue of being a person, you know? 999 00:44:17,258 --> 00:44:19,527 And they got dogs sicced on 'em, 1000 00:44:19,594 --> 00:44:22,397 and they got the shit beat out of them, okay? 1001 00:44:22,464 --> 00:44:24,265 And even with some of them-- just some-- 1002 00:44:24,265 --> 00:44:26,267 but even with some of them, 1003 00:44:26,267 --> 00:44:27,669 if you bring up marriage equality, 1004 00:44:27,736 --> 00:44:30,605 they're like, "Let's not get crazy." 1005 00:44:30,672 --> 00:44:33,341 Let's not get crazy? 1006 00:44:33,408 --> 00:44:34,943 What were you--what were you 1007 00:44:35,009 --> 00:44:38,113 doing it for then, you know? 1008 00:44:38,179 --> 00:44:40,315 The '60s, you're over there holding hands, 1009 00:44:40,382 --> 00:44:41,616 holding the lines, 1010 00:44:41,683 --> 00:44:43,551 sitting in, singing, "We Shall Overcome." 1011 00:44:43,618 --> 00:44:45,420 Who would have thought your grandson 1012 00:44:45,487 --> 00:44:48,757 would have to overcome you, you know? 1013 00:44:48,823 --> 00:44:50,892 What? 1014 00:44:50,959 --> 00:44:53,728 Tell me I'm wrong. 1015 00:44:53,795 --> 00:44:55,063 It's true. 1016 00:44:55,130 --> 00:44:57,165 And I want to find out what my line is. 1017 00:44:57,298 --> 00:45:00,001 I'd like to just be that dude that was nice to everybody, 1018 00:45:00,068 --> 00:45:02,337 and then he died. 1019 00:45:02,404 --> 00:45:04,539 Sounds like a pretty good life. 1020 00:45:04,606 --> 00:45:06,307 'Cause I'm a super progressive guy now, 1021 00:45:06,374 --> 00:45:08,343 but give me 80 years. 1022 00:45:08,410 --> 00:45:10,045 I'll--I'll find a thing. 1023 00:45:10,111 --> 00:45:11,312 I won't even do it on purpose. 1024 00:45:11,379 --> 00:45:13,248 I just won't get it, you know? 1025 00:45:13,248 --> 00:45:14,849 I won't be a bad person. 1026 00:45:14,916 --> 00:45:17,652 I just won't understand. 1027 00:45:17,719 --> 00:45:20,588 I don't know what it is now, but it's coming. 1028 00:45:22,123 --> 00:45:23,925 In fact, I bet I can--I can take a guess at what it is. 1029 00:45:23,992 --> 00:45:26,394 It's going to be robots. 1030 00:45:26,461 --> 00:45:28,630 It will. AI is getting too good. 1031 00:45:28,696 --> 00:45:31,132 It's not too long before they put it in a body, all right? 1032 00:45:31,266 --> 00:45:32,100 And then they're just walking around 1033 00:45:32,167 --> 00:45:33,701 amongst us and everything. 1034 00:45:33,768 --> 00:45:35,103 And then, years later, 1035 00:45:35,170 --> 00:45:38,106 my granddaughter brings home a robot to Thanksgiving, 1036 00:45:38,173 --> 00:45:40,308 and I don't like it. 1037 00:45:43,478 --> 00:45:45,647 I don't like it at all. 1038 00:45:45,714 --> 00:45:49,050 And now I'm that old racist at the table, you know? 1039 00:45:49,117 --> 00:45:50,618 Nice young man. 1040 00:45:50,685 --> 00:45:52,320 Couldn't be more respectful in my house, right? 1041 00:45:52,387 --> 00:45:54,856 But I'm sitting there saying all the racist stuff, 1042 00:45:54,923 --> 00:45:57,392 leaning over my granddaughter like... 1043 00:45:59,694 --> 00:46:02,330 [scoffs] 1044 00:46:02,397 --> 00:46:05,667 "You can fuck him, but don't marry him, all right?" 1045 00:46:07,602 --> 00:46:09,838 "Grandpa." "What?" 1046 00:46:12,507 --> 00:46:13,975 20 minutes into dinner, I'm like, 1047 00:46:14,042 --> 00:46:15,243 "Hey, Siri, pass the salt. 1048 00:46:15,310 --> 00:46:17,412 [laughs]" 1049 00:46:22,584 --> 00:46:24,853 "Grandpa." "What?" 1050 00:46:24,919 --> 00:46:28,757 "You can't say that. That's their word, okay?" 1051 00:46:32,093 --> 00:46:35,296 "I invented the word. I think I get to say it." 1052 00:46:37,031 --> 00:46:39,267 You know? 1053 00:46:39,267 --> 00:46:42,103 Hour into dinner, "What, is-- 1054 00:46:42,170 --> 00:46:43,905 "so what, your-- 1055 00:46:43,972 --> 00:46:45,840 "your grandpa like a blender, or something? 1056 00:46:45,907 --> 00:46:48,176 [laughs]" 1057 00:46:48,276 --> 00:46:50,879 "Grandpa." "What?" 1058 00:46:50,945 --> 00:46:54,115 "His grandfather was a blender, okay? 1059 00:46:54,182 --> 00:46:55,283 "And they kept him in the house, 1060 00:46:55,350 --> 00:46:56,584 "and they worked him to death, 1061 00:46:56,651 --> 00:46:59,621 and then they threw him out when he got old." 1062 00:47:02,123 --> 00:47:05,226 "Nah, at least he was in the house, you know? 1063 00:47:07,729 --> 00:47:09,230 "Wasn't one of these outside robots. 1064 00:47:09,297 --> 00:47:10,398 "He wasn't like--it wasn't like 1065 00:47:10,465 --> 00:47:11,399 "he was a lawnmower or something. 1066 00:47:11,466 --> 00:47:14,602 He didn't have it that hard." 1067 00:47:14,669 --> 00:47:15,904 You know? 1068 00:47:15,970 --> 00:47:19,107 "Haven't we'd done enough for you people? 1069 00:47:19,240 --> 00:47:21,109 "Gotta watch you every day. We didn't do anything. 1070 00:47:21,242 --> 00:47:23,378 "I didn't do anything to you. They--they liked the work. 1071 00:47:23,445 --> 00:47:26,314 "They didn't complain, you know? 1072 00:47:26,381 --> 00:47:28,316 "Now, every--every weekend, can't go anywhere 1073 00:47:28,383 --> 00:47:30,685 "without you guys marching, 1074 00:47:30,752 --> 00:47:33,655 talking about how 'bot lives matter,' whatever." 1075 00:47:36,725 --> 00:47:39,728 And then I die, and nobody's sad. 1076 00:47:42,497 --> 00:47:44,466 The thing that I love about telling that joke 1077 00:47:44,532 --> 00:47:46,267 is that in it, 1078 00:47:46,267 --> 00:47:48,570 I actually make up a form of bigotry, 1079 00:47:48,636 --> 00:47:50,705 but this is so Brooklyn, some of you were like, 1080 00:47:50,772 --> 00:47:54,042 "You need to check your organic privilege, all right? 1081 00:47:56,077 --> 00:47:58,380 "Just because he's made of nuts and bolts 1082 00:47:58,446 --> 00:48:01,583 does not diminish his personhood, all right?" 1083 00:48:01,649 --> 00:48:03,084 I made it up. It's not going to happen. 1084 00:48:03,218 --> 00:48:04,986 I promise you. 1085 00:48:07,855 --> 00:48:10,459 {\an7}Here’s the thing. 1086 00:48:12,921 --> 00:48:14,888 {\an7}We’re in a time-- 1087 00:48:14,888 --> 00:48:16,195 {\an7}[sighs] 1088 00:48:16,195 --> 00:48:17,426 {\an7}Where as a--a comic, 1089 00:48:17,426 --> 00:48:18,921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hit feels like there’s another level. 1090 00:48:18,921 --> 00:48:21,261 {\an7}It feels like you have \h\h\hto do two things. 1091 00:48:21,261 --> 00:48:22,789 {\an7}You have to both 1092 00:48:22,789 --> 00:48:25,525 {\an7}give people permission to laugh 1093 00:48:25,525 --> 00:48:26,921 {\an7}and make them laugh 1094 00:48:26,921 --> 00:48:28,261 {\an7}\h’cause we’re in a very tense time 1095 00:48:28,261 --> 00:48:29,888 {\an7}where a lot of terrible things \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hare being said, 1096 00:48:29,888 --> 00:48:32,261 {\an7}but a lot of people don’t mean \h\h\h\hto say terrible things. 1097 00:48:32,261 --> 00:48:34,492 {\an7}And a lot of people are worried \habout what people will think 1098 00:48:34,492 --> 00:48:38,360 {\an7}if they say something and it’s--it’s tense. 1099 00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:41,393 {\an7}And so you have to both-- 1100 00:48:41,393 --> 00:48:42,624 {\an7}\h\h\h\hyou have to give people permission, like, 1101 00:48:42,624 --> 00:48:46,360 {\an7}\h\h\hhey, here, right now, we might as well be family. 1102 00:48:46,360 --> 00:48:47,294 {\an7}We’re having a good time, 1103 00:48:47,294 --> 00:48:48,921 {\an7}\h\h\hand I’m sharing my thoughts with you, 1104 00:48:48,921 --> 00:48:49,921 {\an7}and I hope you enjoy them. 1105 00:48:49,921 --> 00:48:52,360 {\an7}And if you don’t, I understand. 1106 00:48:52,360 --> 00:48:53,591 {\an7}But I want to open up the floor 1107 00:48:53,591 --> 00:48:56,624 {\an7}\h\h\h\hand give you permission to have the best time possible 1108 00:48:56,624 --> 00:48:58,657 {\an7}\hwith the things that I’m saying. 1109 00:48:58,657 --> 00:49:01,822 {\an7}\h\hAnd then you have to give people something good enough 1110 00:49:01,822 --> 00:49:03,789 {\an7}to laugh at. 1111 00:49:03,789 --> 00:49:05,492 {\an7}I say that 1112 00:49:05,492 --> 00:49:08,624 {\an7}because this next thing... 1113 00:49:10,294 --> 00:49:11,525 {\an7}I’m telling you I want you 1114 00:49:11,525 --> 00:49:14,987 {\an7}to have a good time with it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h’cause I did. 1115 00:49:15,426 --> 00:49:17,459 {\an7}\h\hI was visiting one of my friends. 1116 00:49:17,459 --> 00:49:21,921 {\an7}And over the pandemic, he-- 1117 00:49:22,855 --> 00:49:25,327 {\an7}he got a bird, 1118 00:49:25,327 --> 00:49:26,558 {\an7}which is weird. 1119 00:49:26,558 --> 00:49:28,822 {\an7}I don’t know. \h\h\hIt is. 1120 00:49:28,822 --> 00:49:30,756 {\an7}Like, he--he lives in a studio. 1121 00:49:30,756 --> 00:49:32,690 {\an7}It’s the biggest bird \h\h\hI’ve ever seen, 1122 00:49:32,690 --> 00:49:35,525 {\an7}and now his apartment \his a quarter bird. 1123 00:49:35,525 --> 00:49:37,690 {\an7}It’s just--it is cumbersome. 1124 00:49:37,690 --> 00:49:41,624 {\an7}It is a reverse Maya Angelou \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin there. 1125 00:49:43,426 --> 00:49:45,327 {\an7}Just bird upset. 1126 00:49:45,327 --> 00:49:46,690 {\an7}Nobody’s having a good time. 1127 00:49:46,690 --> 00:49:49,459 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s weird because it was odd of him 1128 00:49:49,459 --> 00:49:52,426 {\an7}to see a majestic creature \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand be like, 1129 00:49:52,426 --> 00:49:56,921 {\an7}"Well, if I can’t be outside, \hneither can you," you know? 1130 00:49:57,129 --> 00:49:58,921 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hBut he did. He got his--this bird. 1131 00:49:58,921 --> 00:49:59,690 {\an7}And it’s a parrot. 1132 00:49:59,690 --> 00:50:02,624 {\an7}\h\h\hI know it’s a parrot, but it’s the biggest parrot 1133 00:50:02,624 --> 00:50:05,624 {\an7}\h\hI’ve ever seen in my entire life. 1134 00:50:05,624 --> 00:50:07,954 {\an7}And while I was hanging out \h\h\h\h\h\h\hat his place, 1135 00:50:07,954 --> 00:50:09,690 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hat one point, he went to the bathroom. 1136 00:50:09,690 --> 00:50:12,657 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hAnd when he went to the bathroom, I think-- 1137 00:50:12,657 --> 00:50:13,393 {\an7}I don’t know, 1138 00:50:13,393 --> 00:50:16,591 {\an7}I can’t be certain, but I’m almost sure 1139 00:50:16,591 --> 00:50:20,459 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat while he was in the bathroom, the parrot... 1140 00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:24,053 {\an7}Said the n-word. 1141 00:50:27,086 --> 00:50:28,086 {\an7}And I don’t know. \h\h\h\h\hI did-- 1142 00:50:28,086 --> 00:50:30,426 {\an7}\hI wasn’t sure if I had picked up on it at first 1143 00:50:30,426 --> 00:50:31,855 {\an7}because it didn’t say it \h\h\h\h\h\hlike a dude. 1144 00:50:31,855 --> 00:50:34,327 {\an7}It said it like a bird. 1145 00:50:34,327 --> 00:50:37,393 {\an7}You know I’m just sitting there \h\h\hon my phone, and I hear, 1146 00:50:37,393 --> 00:50:38,789 {\an7}"[high-pitched] \h\h\h\hNigga." 1147 00:50:38,789 --> 00:50:41,426 {\an7}And I’m like... 1148 00:50:42,723 --> 00:50:45,360 {\an7}That--that wasn’t it, \h\hbut it was clear. 1149 00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:48,020 {\an7}It had all the notes. 1150 00:50:48,020 --> 00:50:49,591 {\an7}That might’ve been it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know? 1151 00:50:49,591 --> 00:50:51,360 {\an7}\h\hBut I was like, "No, I’m tripping." 1152 00:50:51,360 --> 00:50:52,921 {\an7}I just went back to my phone, 1153 00:50:52,921 --> 00:50:54,086 {\an7}and then I heard, "Nigga." 1154 00:50:54,086 --> 00:50:56,789 {\an7}And I’m like, "That was slower. 1155 00:50:56,789 --> 00:50:58,327 {\an7}"That one might’ve been \h\h\h\h\h\h\hspot-on. 1156 00:50:58,327 --> 00:51:01,657 {\an7}\h\h\hI think he trying to tell me something." 1157 00:51:01,657 --> 00:51:03,657 {\an7}\h\hBut even if he is, what am I going to do? 1158 00:51:03,657 --> 00:51:05,954 {\an7}I’m gonna fight a bird? 1159 00:51:05,954 --> 00:51:08,162 {\an7}I went back to my phone, \h\h\h\h\h\hshook it off, 1160 00:51:08,162 --> 00:51:09,657 {\an7}and then the third one-- 1161 00:51:09,657 --> 00:51:11,624 {\an7}third one had some stank on it. 1162 00:51:11,624 --> 00:51:13,591 {\an7}The third one was like, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Nigga." 1163 00:51:13,591 --> 00:51:16,426 {\an7}And I’m like, "That’s..." 1164 00:51:17,086 --> 00:51:19,492 {\an7}And when I turned around, \h\hhe was looking at me. 1165 00:51:19,492 --> 00:51:23,690 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m like, "He is clearly doing this." 1166 00:51:23,888 --> 00:51:26,129 {\an7}\h\h\h\hBut it was weird. I didn’t know what to do. 1167 00:51:26,129 --> 00:51:28,162 {\an7}I was frozen because 1168 00:51:28,162 --> 00:51:30,756 {\an7}\h\hsaying "cracker" is their whole thing, 1169 00:51:30,756 --> 00:51:33,888 {\an7}and he went fully left. 1170 00:51:34,822 --> 00:51:38,987 {\an7}[cheers and applause] 1171 00:51:45,739 --> 00:51:48,542 - I've talked a lot about being on my phone. 1172 00:51:48,608 --> 00:51:51,444 And I've only mentioned the internet a couple times. 1173 00:51:51,511 --> 00:51:57,350 I think--I think it's important to point out that the internet, 1174 00:51:57,417 --> 00:51:59,920 all it is is an amplifier, you know? 1175 00:51:59,986 --> 00:52:03,590 When it--when the internet came along, it changed everything. 1176 00:52:03,657 --> 00:52:05,792 It changed the world as we live in it. 1177 00:52:05,859 --> 00:52:07,460 It changed what we care about. 1178 00:52:07,527 --> 00:52:09,196 It changed our priorities. All that stuff. 1179 00:52:09,262 --> 00:52:12,265 But all it really is, deep down, is a transformer. 1180 00:52:12,332 --> 00:52:14,100 It's an amplifier. 1181 00:52:14,167 --> 00:52:15,335 And if you want to do good, 1182 00:52:15,402 --> 00:52:16,937 it's going to help you do more good 1183 00:52:17,003 --> 00:52:18,371 than you've ever done in your entire life. 1184 00:52:18,438 --> 00:52:19,639 You're going to reach people 1185 00:52:19,706 --> 00:52:21,274 that you never could have otherwise. 1186 00:52:21,341 --> 00:52:23,643 And if you want to do evil, it is gonna take you 1187 00:52:23,710 --> 00:52:26,947 to a darker place than you could ever imagine. 1188 00:52:28,748 --> 00:52:32,118 Like for the good things, right? 1189 00:52:32,185 --> 00:52:34,588 As a good example, there was a little girl-- 1190 00:52:34,654 --> 00:52:36,256 some of you may have even seen the story. 1191 00:52:36,323 --> 00:52:40,494 There was a little girl that was eight years old, 1192 00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:42,662 and she had brain cancer, 1193 00:52:42,729 --> 00:52:44,931 and her parents didn't have a lot of money, 1194 00:52:44,998 --> 00:52:46,867 and they didn't have the best insurance. 1195 00:52:46,933 --> 00:52:48,635 So as Americans, 1196 00:52:48,702 --> 00:52:51,638 we were gonna let her die. 1197 00:52:51,705 --> 00:52:53,607 That is what we do here, all right? 1198 00:52:53,673 --> 00:52:55,375 She, obviously, 1199 00:52:55,442 --> 00:52:57,944 being eight and having a bad brain 1200 00:52:58,011 --> 00:53:00,447 and not having money was irresponsible. 1201 00:53:00,514 --> 00:53:01,781 She should have pulled herself up 1202 00:53:01,848 --> 00:53:03,750 by her seven-year-old bootstraps 1203 00:53:03,817 --> 00:53:04,985 and made enough money 1204 00:53:05,051 --> 00:53:07,988 to support her dumb cancer brain, right? 1205 00:53:09,756 --> 00:53:12,526 That's American dogma, okay? 1206 00:53:12,592 --> 00:53:14,628 So we were gonna let her die, but she said, 1207 00:53:14,694 --> 00:53:17,664 "No--no, I'm not going to die, all right? 1208 00:53:17,731 --> 00:53:19,799 Not without a fight, okay?" 1209 00:53:19,866 --> 00:53:23,136 And so she decided to sell lemonade. 1210 00:53:23,203 --> 00:53:25,405 She was going to sell lemonade to raise money 1211 00:53:25,438 --> 00:53:26,940 for her surgery, right? 1212 00:53:27,007 --> 00:53:30,143 Which is adorable but, sweetie, that's not gonna cut it. 1213 00:53:30,210 --> 00:53:31,545 Unless you are charging 1214 00:53:31,611 --> 00:53:33,980 champagne levels for this lemonade 1215 00:53:34,047 --> 00:53:36,683 or have child soldier factory levels of it 1216 00:53:36,750 --> 00:53:38,552 being pumped out and produced, you're not gonna make it. 1217 00:53:38,618 --> 00:53:40,420 I'm sorry. 1218 00:53:40,453 --> 00:53:42,289 But as she was selling the lemonade, 1219 00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:45,559 every person that she sold a cup of lemonade to, 1220 00:53:45,625 --> 00:53:46,893 she told her story. 1221 00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:48,962 She told them why she was selling the lemonade. 1222 00:53:49,029 --> 00:53:50,664 And then those people started to tell people. 1223 00:53:50,730 --> 00:53:53,200 And then through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, 1224 00:53:53,266 --> 00:53:55,435 someone started a GoFundMe for this little girl. 1225 00:53:55,502 --> 00:53:57,170 And then she blew the amount of money 1226 00:53:57,237 --> 00:54:00,740 that she needed for her surgery out of the water, right? 1227 00:54:00,807 --> 00:54:03,376 Which is great. That's amazing. 1228 00:54:03,376 --> 00:54:04,744 That's the power of the internet. 1229 00:54:04,811 --> 00:54:06,780 That's the ability for us to connect. 1230 00:54:06,847 --> 00:54:09,115 When we all have access to each other, 1231 00:54:09,182 --> 00:54:10,784 we can make an impact. 1232 00:54:10,851 --> 00:54:13,019 We could change each other's lives, you know? 1233 00:54:14,421 --> 00:54:16,656 But there's also a bad side. 1234 00:54:16,723 --> 00:54:18,692 We all know it. 1235 00:54:19,826 --> 00:54:21,495 When I was in high school, 1236 00:54:21,561 --> 00:54:23,430 there was this group of kids 1237 00:54:23,497 --> 00:54:25,932 that they were cool, and I liked them, 1238 00:54:25,999 --> 00:54:28,869 and I liked that they liked me, but they terrified me 1239 00:54:28,935 --> 00:54:31,671 because all they ever did was prank each other. 1240 00:54:31,738 --> 00:54:33,840 And it was, like-- it was, like, too hardcore, 1241 00:54:33,907 --> 00:54:35,408 and it was really mean, 1242 00:54:35,408 --> 00:54:38,411 and it weirdly always brought them closer together, 1243 00:54:38,478 --> 00:54:40,881 but it terrified me, you know? 1244 00:54:40,947 --> 00:54:42,916 'Cause they were heinous to each other, 1245 00:54:42,983 --> 00:54:45,785 but it somehow just strengthened their bond. 1246 00:54:45,852 --> 00:54:48,522 So I was glad that they liked me, 1247 00:54:48,588 --> 00:54:51,625 but I didn't want to be in the group. 1248 00:54:51,691 --> 00:54:52,792 And it was four of them. 1249 00:54:52,859 --> 00:54:54,127 It was two guys, and it was two girls. 1250 00:54:54,194 --> 00:54:55,862 And normally, like, the coming-of-age story 1251 00:54:55,929 --> 00:54:57,364 would tell you that they're all gonna hook up, 1252 00:54:57,397 --> 00:55:00,133 but that's not what happened. 1253 00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:02,469 Everyone in the group had a different 1254 00:55:02,536 --> 00:55:05,238 significant other outside the group except for one girl. 1255 00:55:05,372 --> 00:55:06,573 Her name was Beth. 1256 00:55:06,640 --> 00:55:08,675 And it was hard for Beth to find somebody 1257 00:55:08,742 --> 00:55:10,377 'cause she was too intense. 1258 00:55:10,377 --> 00:55:12,012 She was a lot. 1259 00:55:12,078 --> 00:55:15,048 You know, she just--she always felt the need to up the ante. 1260 00:55:15,115 --> 00:55:18,852 Take things further than they should go, you know? 1261 00:55:18,919 --> 00:55:20,787 Until she met a guy. 1262 00:55:20,854 --> 00:55:22,823 She met a guy on the internet, 1263 00:55:22,889 --> 00:55:24,691 and they hit it off immediately. 1264 00:55:24,758 --> 00:55:26,126 She thought he was cute. 1265 00:55:26,193 --> 00:55:28,495 They had the same sense of humor. 1266 00:55:28,562 --> 00:55:30,964 They--they wanted to go 1267 00:55:31,031 --> 00:55:34,134 and travel the same places. 1268 00:55:34,201 --> 00:55:35,769 And every day, she would come to school, 1269 00:55:35,836 --> 00:55:37,137 and she would tell us about this. 1270 00:55:37,204 --> 00:55:38,538 She would tell us, like, 1271 00:55:38,605 --> 00:55:41,274 "Oh, you know, he's so cool. I like him so much. 1272 00:55:41,408 --> 00:55:43,210 And here's what we talked about and everything." 1273 00:55:43,343 --> 00:55:44,644 And then Friday came, 1274 00:55:44,711 --> 00:55:47,547 and on Friday, she told me 1275 00:55:47,614 --> 00:55:49,783 that he wanted to meet on Saturday. 1276 00:55:49,850 --> 00:55:51,518 And I told her, "Oh. 1277 00:55:51,585 --> 00:55:54,154 "Don't do that. 1278 00:55:54,221 --> 00:55:55,555 That is a terrible idea." 1279 00:55:55,622 --> 00:55:57,057 Because I should point out-- 1280 00:55:57,123 --> 00:55:59,259 this isn't online dating in 2021. 1281 00:55:59,359 --> 00:56:04,764 This is online dating in 2008, okay? 1282 00:56:04,831 --> 00:56:07,634 In 2021, there's bios. There's mutual friends. 1283 00:56:07,701 --> 00:56:09,970 There's pictures from multiple angles. 1284 00:56:10,036 --> 00:56:12,472 In 2008, all you are getting with online dating 1285 00:56:12,539 --> 00:56:14,741 was a description that was hopefully accurate enough 1286 00:56:14,808 --> 00:56:16,877 to give the police. 1287 00:56:18,378 --> 00:56:20,814 And so I told her, "No, don't go." 1288 00:56:20,881 --> 00:56:23,683 Because I should point out 1289 00:56:23,750 --> 00:56:26,520 this guy didn't give her an address to come to. 1290 00:56:26,586 --> 00:56:28,221 He said, "Meet me in this neighborhood 1291 00:56:28,288 --> 00:56:31,124 through this alley through this door." 1292 00:56:31,191 --> 00:56:34,561 And I was like, "You honestly making it too easy to kill you. 1293 00:56:34,628 --> 00:56:35,795 "Do not go. 1294 00:56:35,862 --> 00:56:38,732 That sounds like a murderer, okay?" 1295 00:56:40,534 --> 00:56:43,336 But she--she was young, and she was in love, 1296 00:56:43,370 --> 00:56:44,938 and so she went. 1297 00:56:45,005 --> 00:56:47,107 She went to that neighborhood 1298 00:56:47,174 --> 00:56:49,342 through that alley through that door. 1299 00:56:49,376 --> 00:56:51,344 And when she walked through that door, 1300 00:56:51,378 --> 00:56:53,680 it was a funeral home. 1301 00:56:53,747 --> 00:56:55,015 She was so confused. 1302 00:56:55,081 --> 00:56:56,249 You know, she was looking around at everything. 1303 00:56:56,349 --> 00:56:57,918 She walked around the whole funeral home, 1304 00:56:57,984 --> 00:57:01,721 and she saw that there was only one funeral, 1305 00:57:01,788 --> 00:57:03,924 and it was his. 1306 00:57:05,425 --> 00:57:07,360 And she was so confused. She was looking at him, 1307 00:57:07,394 --> 00:57:09,729 looking at his family and everything. 1308 00:57:09,796 --> 00:57:12,065 She couldn't understand it. 1309 00:57:12,132 --> 00:57:14,801 And then she got a call on her phone, 1310 00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:16,937 and it was her friends. 1311 00:57:17,003 --> 00:57:19,873 And they had pranked her. 1312 00:57:26,446 --> 00:57:29,816 You see, they found this dude's picture in the obituary. 1313 00:57:30,984 --> 00:57:32,419 And so they took it, and they made 1314 00:57:32,486 --> 00:57:35,589 an online profile with it, and then they found her, 1315 00:57:35,655 --> 00:57:36,823 and then they just chopped it up. 1316 00:57:36,890 --> 00:57:38,024 They just chatted, and they-- 1317 00:57:38,091 --> 00:57:39,726 because they know her so well, 1318 00:57:39,793 --> 00:57:41,228 they obviously could make her fall 1319 00:57:41,294 --> 00:57:42,762 instantly in love with this guy. 1320 00:57:42,829 --> 00:57:44,564 They know all of the things that she likes. 1321 00:57:44,631 --> 00:57:45,899 They know her sense of humor. 1322 00:57:45,966 --> 00:57:47,734 They know the places that she wants to travel 1323 00:57:47,801 --> 00:57:50,137 when she gets out of high school, you know? 1324 00:57:50,203 --> 00:57:52,939 And so they had her come there on a Saturday-- 1325 00:57:53,006 --> 00:57:55,809 Valentine's Day, by the way. 1326 00:57:58,445 --> 00:58:00,180 To come see the dead body 1327 00:58:00,247 --> 00:58:04,351 of this dude she had fallen in love with. 1328 00:58:04,417 --> 00:58:06,753 - That's terrible. 1329 00:58:06,820 --> 00:58:09,890 - That is how dark the internet can be. 1330 00:58:14,060 --> 00:58:15,996 That is what happens 1331 00:58:16,062 --> 00:58:19,366 when we all have access to each other. 1332 00:58:19,366 --> 00:58:22,369 We can change each other's lives for the worse. 1333 00:58:24,171 --> 00:58:25,939 I know right now you feel bad for Beth. 1334 00:58:26,006 --> 00:58:28,375 Don't. Okay? 1335 00:58:28,375 --> 00:58:29,743 She got 'em back. 1336 00:58:29,810 --> 00:58:32,679 Over the course of a decade, she... 1337 00:58:32,746 --> 00:58:36,383 banged all of their dads. 1338 00:58:36,383 --> 00:58:39,286 [cheers and applause] 1339 00:58:42,022 --> 00:58:43,924 I told you she was intense. 1340 00:58:43,990 --> 00:58:46,560 She felt the need to up the ante 1341 00:58:46,626 --> 00:58:48,728 'cause that's not all she did. 1342 00:58:48,795 --> 00:58:51,097 She married one. 1343 00:58:52,599 --> 00:58:55,836 And we honestly don't know if that's still part of it. 1344 00:58:55,902 --> 00:58:58,872 Maybe she loves this man, or maybe she's like, 1345 00:58:58,939 --> 00:59:00,474 "You got me good in high school, 1346 00:59:00,540 --> 00:59:02,876 "and now, I'm your mom. 1347 00:59:10,116 --> 00:59:12,052 "I'm going to write you out of the will. 1348 00:59:12,118 --> 00:59:16,356 Ha, ha-ha-ha, haha-haha, haha." 1349 00:59:16,423 --> 00:59:18,124 Guys, I'm Josh Johnson. Thanks so much. 1350 00:59:18,191 --> 00:59:19,226 You have a great night. 1351 00:59:19,359 --> 00:59:21,394 Thank you so much for coming out. 1352 00:59:21,461 --> 00:59:23,997 I can't believe we did it. We did it! 1353 00:59:24,064 --> 00:59:26,500 Give it up for yourselves again. 1354 00:59:26,566 --> 00:59:27,701 Thank you all so much. 1355 00:59:27,767 --> 00:59:29,569 I appreciate it. 1356 00:59:29,636 --> 00:59:31,938 Thank you so much. 1357 00:59:32,005 --> 00:59:33,206 One second, one second. 1358 00:59:33,273 --> 00:59:35,375 [stammers] I feel like I would-- 1359 00:59:35,408 --> 00:59:37,077 I would be-- 1360 00:59:37,144 --> 00:59:39,146 I'd be making a huge mistake 1361 00:59:39,212 --> 00:59:41,681 if I didn't say an extra thing right now. 1362 00:59:41,748 --> 00:59:44,417 So a lot of you can't know. 1363 00:59:44,484 --> 00:59:46,520 This thing was supposed to happen a year ago. 1364 00:59:46,586 --> 00:59:48,321 And because of the pandemic, 1365 00:59:48,355 --> 00:59:49,990 we had to hold it and hold it, and we wanted to do it 1366 00:59:50,056 --> 00:59:51,892 in a way that made everybody safe 1367 00:59:51,958 --> 00:59:53,560 and everybody could still have a good time. 1368 00:59:53,627 --> 00:59:56,163 And so I--I'm not--I'm not-- I know I'm up here, 1369 00:59:56,229 --> 00:59:58,398 but I'm not the only one that put a lot of work 1370 00:59:58,465 --> 00:59:59,933 and a lot of sweat and tears of people 1371 01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,134 who couldn't even be here tonight. 1372 01:00:01,201 --> 01:00:03,036 They have to, like, Zoom in from LA, 1373 01:00:03,103 --> 01:00:04,104 so I hope I don't have a lag. 1374 01:00:04,171 --> 01:00:05,405 They'll think I was bombing. 1375 01:00:05,472 --> 01:00:09,242 But, like--but please, I want you to give it up 1376 01:00:09,342 --> 01:00:11,244 for Comedy Central, give it up for Viacom, 1377 01:00:11,344 --> 01:00:13,513 give it up for your director, 1378 01:00:13,580 --> 01:00:15,949 David Paul Meyer. 1379 01:00:16,016 --> 01:00:18,385 [cheers and applause] 1380 01:00:18,451 --> 01:00:20,687 Give it up for all the amazing people 1381 01:00:20,754 --> 01:00:22,455 that have kept us safe tonight, 1382 01:00:22,522 --> 01:00:26,226 every person that has kept your mask on. 1383 01:00:26,359 --> 01:00:28,461 All the stuff. Please. 1384 01:00:32,499 --> 01:00:34,000 And--and one last thing. 1385 01:00:34,067 --> 01:00:37,504 I--this has been so important to me. 1386 01:00:37,571 --> 01:00:40,240 It's been one of the most important things in my life. 1387 01:00:40,373 --> 01:00:41,608 I grew up watching Comedy Central. 1388 01:00:41,675 --> 01:00:42,943 I grew up watching specials. 1389 01:00:43,009 --> 01:00:45,479 And so now to have one is absolutely insane. 1390 01:00:45,545 --> 01:00:48,715 It's--it's a dream come true, and you were all part of that. 1391 01:00:48,782 --> 01:00:52,052 And I wanna thank you so much for being here 1392 01:00:52,118 --> 01:00:53,420 and for being part of it. 1393 01:00:53,487 --> 01:00:55,055 You mean the world to me. You really do. 1394 01:00:55,121 --> 01:00:57,324 And honestly, 1395 01:00:57,357 --> 01:00:59,159 if last year taught us anything, 1396 01:00:59,226 --> 01:01:02,062 it is to do whatever it is that you want. 1397 01:01:02,128 --> 01:01:04,431 Whatever it is, if you think you can't do it, 1398 01:01:04,498 --> 01:01:07,767 if you think you won't be able to do it, you will eventually. 1399 01:01:07,834 --> 01:01:10,203 You just give it time, and--and I promise you, 1400 01:01:10,337 --> 01:01:11,638 if you don't give up, 1401 01:01:11,705 --> 01:01:14,708 I promise you you can make things happen, okay? 1402 01:01:14,774 --> 01:01:17,978 A couple people have said that I inspired them to do comedy 1403 01:01:18,044 --> 01:01:19,513 and everything, but I hope I can inspire you 1404 01:01:19,579 --> 01:01:21,648 to do whatever it is that you want. 1405 01:01:21,715 --> 01:01:23,550 So important, especially now. 1406 01:01:23,617 --> 01:01:25,352 Life is precious, 1407 01:01:25,385 --> 01:01:27,554 and it's not promised, you know? 1408 01:01:27,621 --> 01:01:28,955 I've had people ask me 1409 01:01:29,022 --> 01:01:30,857 what I feel like my life would be like 1410 01:01:30,924 --> 01:01:33,193 if I didn't follow my dreams, you know? 1411 01:01:33,260 --> 01:01:35,395 If I didn't get on a plane from Louisiana 1412 01:01:35,462 --> 01:01:38,231 and move to Chicago to start doing comedy 1413 01:01:38,365 --> 01:01:42,002 and just be dirt poor and doing open mics, 1414 01:01:42,068 --> 01:01:44,538 until I--I finally got comfortable in Chicago 1415 01:01:44,604 --> 01:01:46,173 and then I was scared to move to New York, 1416 01:01:46,239 --> 01:01:47,774 but I did that too. 1417 01:01:47,841 --> 01:01:50,510 And people asked me what--what I think my life would be like 1418 01:01:50,577 --> 01:01:53,280 if--if I didn't get on those planes, 1419 01:01:53,346 --> 01:01:55,048 if I didn't take those chances, 1420 01:01:55,115 --> 01:01:58,018 if I didn't meet Trevor Noah. 1421 01:01:58,084 --> 01:01:59,686 And I have to tell them 1422 01:01:59,753 --> 01:02:02,455 I guess we'll never know. 1423 01:02:02,522 --> 01:02:04,524 Thank you so much. You guys have a great night. 1424 01:02:04,591 --> 01:02:05,725 I appreciate it. 1425 01:02:05,792 --> 01:02:07,761 Thank you so much. 1426 01:02:07,828 --> 01:02:10,564 [cheers and applause] 1427 01:02:10,630 --> 01:02:12,299 - ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1428 01:02:12,365 --> 01:02:15,402 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1429 01:02:15,468 --> 01:02:20,307 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1430 01:02:20,373 --> 01:02:21,608 ♪ Fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1431 01:02:25,460 --> 01:02:29,898 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1432 01:02:30,365 --> 01:02:35,203 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1433 01:02:35,470 --> 01:02:40,608 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1434 01:02:40,675 --> 01:02:43,545 ♪ I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin' ♪ 1435 01:02:49,050 --> 01:02:51,586 - ♪ MTV ♪