Come on, Blondie!
No mercy!
Oh my God.
Look, Janis.
Make us sweat it out, Chivis!
Om, shanti.
We have to pay her.
A little change.
Thanks.
Let's go.
They gave me alms.
I mean…
I was working out,
when suddenly everyone started chasing me like a horde of zombies.
Then suddenly, they gave me money.
They thought I was a beggar.
Homeless people don't wear Lululemon, do they?
I know we're going through a rough patch, but come on.
We're not a charity case.
They thought you were a workout instructor and paid you for the class.
Is that what they make?
That's why they go on strike.
You can charge for your classes and pay for important things.
Like… waxing.
Or buying a car.
Now that Blondie made exercising fashionable,
I'm gonna sell my weight loss shakes. In Juarez, they sold like hotcakes.
Look at that.
No need to workout or get sweaty.
-Working out is good for you. -It only makes you more hungry.
That's why milkshakes will be a success.
Lose weight fast with Ex-Piggy Forte.
Come on.
RIGO EVENTS
Hey, handsome! Hello.
-Hi there. -What's up?
What's up, Netito?
You never said you could dance so well.
You look like a saucy strumpet.
These shorts are giving me a wedgie.
That's no big deal.
Just be careful you don't suffer the consequences.
You know, prostate problems.
Peeing in little squirts all night.
No more stiffies.
Don't worry, Neto.
You haven't felt the spear, have you?
What's the spear?
It's a pain that goes
from Mount Johnson to where the sun don't shine.
Got it?
From your pecker's tip to your rectum.
I've felt that!
-No way. -I have.
For real, Neto?
Hey, get a check-up while there's still time.
In prison, I saw bad things happen to guys who ignored it.
You have no idea.
I'm really stressed.
Last week we had 13,000 Toxifans, and now we're down to 11,500.
We need juicy stuff, Pablo.
They're all saying we're faking it and stuff.
Have you read the comments?
"This couple is faker than Luisito Comunica's generosity."
"Coffee and vanilla don't mix. Obviously, it's a lie."
What's their problem?
Hold on, wait.
We gotta do something to prove we're dating for real.
To prove what?
Crista, please.
Wait.
I feel something's wrong with our relationship.
Whoa, hold on.
We're not in a relationship.
We're just fucking.
-We've done it more than three times. -So?
We can date formally now.
Put me to the test. I'll prove it.
Okay, but only so you realize that labels are no good.
Don't you give up!
LOSE WEIGHT $150 X CLASS
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!
Now, kick up and clap down. Work those obliques.
One, two! Get pumped!
Three, four, five, six!
Suffer no more!
I have the quick solution for those love handles.
Ex-Piggy Forte. Step right up.
Oh please! These powders are a scam.
You have to work out to lose weight.
Easy. No pain, no gain.
Anahí from the band RBD drinks Ex-Piggy Forte
to stay as skinny as a needle.
No way! For real?
Don't believe me?
Let's bet on it.
Elvira will drink my milkshakes. Lulu will take your classes.
Whoever gets them to lose the most weight wins.
It's a deal. But if I win, I want the whole clothesline to myself.
I hate sharing it.
And if I win, you'll wash my family's underwear by hand.
You're on.
Wait a minute. I'd rather not be part of this.
-Don't you wanna look like Anahí? -No, I prefer Galilea.
My man likes having something to grab onto.
Did I say Anahí? No.
Gali. Scrumptious.
In that case, I'm in.
What about you?
If I do your routines, will I look like Maribel Guardia?
You'll look like Scarlett Johansson.
Kim Kardashian?
Okay, like Maribel.
Great, I'm in.
Good.
No, wait.
But nothing will happen to us, right?
No.
Hi, Rigo.
Hey, where can I get a good check-up?
-Yes. -You know, heart, prostate…
Never say that again.
I'll lose business if the ladies find out someone's messing with your prostate.
-It's for my health. -Whatever!
My bro Ramón used to say that.
Now her name is Simona.
Only Mr. Inocencio can check you.
But he talks, especially when he drinks.
Really?
I never greet Mrs. Socorro with a kiss.
Mouth herpes.
No one takes Mr. Rotulio to the water park.
Athlete's foot.
Okay!
In that case, we have to fix these skimpy shorts.
Step on the scales.
Just a minute.
-She's got extra weight on. -Hey.
Hey, you do too.
-What? -Don't play dumb.
-Me? -Fair is fair.
Let the Hunger Games begin.
Think this will work?
Of course. All couples post pictures doing yoga together.
This one's easier.
Okay.
Fuck! We'll have to resort to plan B.
Are you sure?
RESTAURANT DOLORES
Mom, stop distracting my champion.
I'm testing her willpower.
Here. Show me your willpower is greater than your hunger.
It tastes like glue.
Let her wash down the glue with a tamale. Be nice.
Mom, instead of giving her ideas, give her some support.
Go, Elvira. Swallow!
Swallow, Elvira, swallow!
No, don't throw it up.
No whining.
Being skinny isn't easy.
No, I can't anymore.
No. Listen to me. Look at me.
I won't lose this challenge.
You have to go on.
I'm sorry.
I am the weakest link.
I promise that if you lose weight, you'll look gorgeous.
Pinky promise.
Can I borrow one of your fancy dresses
to see if I can get into the TVyNovelas Awards?
Don't know it, but sure.
To see Sebastián Ruli up close.
Okay. But I'm a size two, so,
you know what you gotta do.
-Up! -This is for you, Ruli!
Cheer up! With a smile!
Smile! That's it!
No, this isn't working.
Yesterday, they booked you for three bachelorette parties.
All married women.
Change back into your shorts.
What's up?
-Did the peacock lose his tail? -Not for long.
Just wait for Neto to change.
Don't be like that, Rigo. Don't choke the cock to keep it going.
If the cock dies, business dies.
The cock will have to suck it up.
Let me try one day in this uniform.
If I don't sell, I'll wear the old one.
Fine. But you know what the customers like.
Cock.
A delicious tripe soup.
You'll have to eat all of my granny's restaurant food if we date.
So get used to it.
What's wrong, dear?
Don't you want to try my soup?
Of course, ma'am.
Let me see.
-And? -It's delicious!
Is It?
See, dear? He knows how to eat.
He's not a vegina like you.
A vegan.
Vegan, I have to remember that.
Step up.
You gained half a pound!
We're doing something wrong.
What we're doing wrong is starving me to death.
We must take drastic measures to win.
Come. Confidence and faith. Repeat after me, confidence and faith.
It looks fake with all those filters.
You made my nose look like reggaeton Pinocchio.
Relax, Pablo. I didn't use that many.
I posted it.
Get on the scale.
What?
You gained half a pound!
What are you doing wrong?
When I get nervous, I retain fluids.
Okay. We have to change strategy.
Try planks with shoulder taps.
Let's go.
Now that's quality advertising.
What's up, Netito?
They got you after all.
Did you at least get a check-up?
No, but it's all good, Tommy.
Loosen up. Having a finger up the wazoo is quite natural.
Happens every day in the can.
Anything is better than the spear.
-The spear? -Yes.
What's that?
It's a strong pain that goes all the way from Baja California down Quintana Roo.
From the Sierra Madre to Death Valley.
From your dick's tip to the rectum.
I've felt that.
Is it serious?
It's dead serious. Awful.
Why not see Mr. Inocencio?
He always has time to finger prostates.
-Never! -Yes.
We're men.
We're not into fingering.
You could drink the tea that Mom used to make for Genaro.
-It's great. -For the prostate?
And for everything else. Yes.
Whenever Genaro drank it, he seemed energized.
Poor Genaro. I mean until he died. May he rest in peace.
Anyways, sleep on it.
If Genie drank it, so can we.
Let's do it.
I'd do anything for you.
This is Winter, Raquel's son.
He's a tattoo artist, and he'll give you this.
Forget it.
Anyone can get that in Tulum.
I want something original.
Winter, do whatever you want.
What's up, Lulu? How's Blondie's workout going?
Don't tell anyone, Tina, but everything hurts, even my ears.
Damn. I can tell you've been working hard.
Yeah, but I haven't lost weight.
I knew this would happen, so I brought you some painkillers.
Here.
I can't pay for it right now.
Don't worry, it's free. That's what friends are for.
Really?
Thanks a bunch, Tina. I've been ground down like pinole.
I can imagine.
Is your pinole organic?
It doesn't go in the non-organic bin, so I guess it is.
How are Agustina's powders working?
Oh, they taste like poo.
But if I'm gonna look like Galilea, I'll eat anything.
What will you eat today?
It's gordita-flavored powder today.
Why not eat the actual gordita and spread the powder on top?
I did that, and I lost weight faster.
-Really? -Sure.
Then I'll buy a huarache instead.
The gordita is too small.
-Even better, yes. -Right?
Here you go. It's 20.
Exactly 20.
On credit?
Did Diego get a tattoo?
Yes, I asked him to, but I didn't think he'd do it.
Let me see your tattoo, son.
Is that Roberto Palazuelos?
No. It's a portrait of Tere à la Andy Warhol.
This… this is art.
You won't like this one bit.
Mariana says, "Pablo looks super fake,
excess use of filters, like Maradona's use of drugs."
Now they're asking us for a live kiss.
Well.
I think we should do it.
I mean, I'm willing to do it.
But if you can't, or would rather not, or feel uncomfortable,
that's okay, we don't have to.
No, I mean, it's part of our job. You could say, right?
But it's okay if you don't want to.
We do it for the Toxicutes account.
Before you say anything, it's for his own good.
The butt tattoo is good for him?
Maybe not, but he should learn not to further the patriarchy.
Why not just tell him you're scared of formal dating?
That's not it.
I want him to see that there are other ways of being together.
Then tell him to have an open mind.
Of course!
That's what he needs to learn.
Thanks, Janet. You're a genius.
RIGO EVENTS FOR YOUR PARTIES
Genie's tea didn't sit well with me.
Same with me.
The spear impaled me all night long.
Same here.
Maybe Tomás is right, and this is the start of prostate cancer.
Let's go see Mr. Inocencio.
No.
I'll have worms in my prostate before people know I'm not a butt virgin.
Let's go.
The cantina closes tomorrow. He'll be sober.
Fine. This stays between you and me.
Wait.
I'm not sure this will work.
How am I supposed to eat it?
Take it easy, Pablito.
What makes people crave your ice cream is the way you kiss it.
Understand me?
-Yeah. -Go on, kiss it.
Kiss it.
No, Nephew! What are you doing?
No one will believe she's your girlfriend like that.
Try again.
But put more soul into it. Sexier. Go.
No, what am I gonna do with you, Nephew?
-Was it that bad? -Try again.
More gentle with eyes closed.
Shut that mouth!
How many bites did you have?
None of that one.
Who gave you this?
Tina.
She said it'd stop the pain, but it just made me hungrier.
That's because they're appetite pills, which is why they're called "Pig Out."
Well, I can't say they don't work.
That traitor is gonna get it.
What's this? You can't eat that.
Chivis said spreading the powder would help me lose weight quicker.
Son of a… Don't!
She's cheating to make you gain weight. Put that down.
Let me have one more bite, so I don't waste the powder.
Look.
I said no, Elvira!
Janet, I need your help.
Help me hang these clothes.
I need you to help me kiss Pablo live and make it look real.
Just kiss him.
I can't. I only kiss for love.
Help me fall in love with him for a bit?
The problem is that his self-esteem depends on followers.
Whatever. What can I do to fall in love with him?
-Go get a love spell. -A love spell?
-Tell me all about it. -Well…
I don't think I can do it.
Pablito.
Tere wants me to get pegged to prove I want a formal relationship.
Pegged? What's that?
She's gonna do this.
Wow.
No.
That's a real magical moment in any relationship.
I'm scared.
Of course you are.
Do I do that with Crista?
You can't even kiss.
Okay. One more time.
I'll win this contest.
-I think so. -Speak of the devil.
And don't play stupid.
You've crossed the line, Blondie. Manipulating poor Mrs. Elvira.
Abusing Lulu's innocence is not fair play.
"That's not fair play."
As the monitor of this contest…
Stop this nonsense. Get your chunky ladies to lose weight without cheating.
I'll behave if she will.
-So you want the spell or not? -Yes.
But this place is so different.
Don't be picky. Come on.
THE SHAMANA TAROT, CLEANSING, LOVE SPELLS
Look, Blondie. Use this string to tie your hair with that of your beau.
Just like that?
-It's a very effective spell. -Just for a little while, right?
Come to get it undone.
-What are you saying? -Don't listen to her.
Janet is a weird kid because she has no faith.
She didn't even want to do her First Communion.
Stop it, Janet. I just need to fall in love with Pablo.
Squeeze her flabby chin.
She must sweat out at least four pounds.
Wasn't the milkshake for that?
We gotta take extreme measures or we'll lose.
Run in place.
No, much faster,
like you're chasing the priest for your confession.
What's wrong?
Elvira!
Did you have breakfast, Elvira?
There is no pain, Lulú.
Yes, there is!
EX-PIGGY FORTE
Here, take this.
But don't stop moving.
Isn't this Tina's milkshake?
It's just to prove it doesn't work.
Up!
Come on!
Move!
Drink it!
Don't stop!
Up, Lulú.
If it's what you want.
I'm ready.
What's so funny?
Pull up your pants, dummy.
I didn't think you'd do it. Now I see you'd do anything for me.
Is dating me so bad?
Of course not.
It's not you, it's…
Yeah, you told me. It's not your style.
Not my style, and no one's asked me.
But it's different with you.
I hate that you're a rich kid. But I hate more that I'm so in love.
You can test me now.
This is the moment of truth.
Look who's here.
There's the scale. Time to end this.
Elvira, you first.
-Get on. -Yes, dear.
-Come on! -Come on.
-She gained two pounds. -Damn it.
Come on, Lulú!
She also gained two pounds.
No, I won't accept a tie.
Me neither. One more week.
No fucking way.
I won't do this anymore.
Me neither.
Mrs. Dolore's fried sopes were the only thing that kept us from starving.
You fed them sopes every night, Mom?
Don't be upset with me.
I even used extra lettuce and wiped off the oil with a napkin.
You should be ashamed, ma'am.
You cheated.
You two should be ashamed!
You nearly killed these women.
There's much more to life than being skinny.
Hurry, Pablo's here.
I'm ready for our kissing video.
So am I.
Stream it, Janet.
Got it.
How are you, Toxifans?
We'll wait for more people to connect to the chat.
I know you're here for me since Pablo's a nobody.
We're offline now.
Cut.
Was it okay?
Any comments?
"Delicious."
All right.
Welcome to the Fellowship of the Ring.
Just kidding.
As far as I can tell, all is well in your Grand Canyons.
You can resume your lives as usual.
What I don't get is,
why demand a rectal exam
when there's a blood test?
A blood test?
Tomás, you never told us that.
I just didn't wanna spoil the party.
What did we suffer for?
You're collateral damage, Rigo.
You never cared about my health?
Sure I did, Neto, but this was more about me.
Losing my status as the barrio's sex symbol could really cost me.
I sincerely apologize.
It wasn't in bad faith. Or it was, but I'm sorry.
Maybe meeting you was no coincidence
Maybe this was fate's doing
I want to sleep on your chest again
-And then, wake up to your kisses -Your sixth sense…
They make a beautiful couple, don't they?
I know we'll be together soon
That mischievous smile It lives with me
I know I will soon be in your path
You know I'm hanging onto your hands
So don't you…
Their kids would look like Dalmatians, man.
-You mean spotted? -Sure.
When a brown chick gets with a blond guy, you get spots.
Stop it.
I send you poems written by my own hand
I send you songs by Juan Luis Guerra's 440
I send you photos of us dining in Marbella
And when we went to Venezuela together
That way you'll remember And never forget me
That you're holding my heart in your hands
Treat it right
You're holding my heart in your hands
I love her! I even got a tattoo for her, look!
No! Diego!
Kiss!
Get in on all our special offers here at Rigo Events!
Compadre!
The sales are booming!
-I knew Inocencio wouldn't tell. -Right!
How's it going?
Check you out, Ernesto.
I heard you're as pretty on the inside as on the outside.
You too, Rigo.
Ciao.
Fucking Inocencio.
Come get your discounts!
"Pretty on the inside."
-One tamale with green sauce. -Yes, Blondie.
Thank you.
-Trying to kill yourself, Mom? -No.
Dolores says this has nutrients.
And lots of lard.
I'll just wipe it off.
There's more to life than being skinny.
Delicious.
-Want one? -Got pink ones?
Yes, they're sweet.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen!
So you went for Silvia's method after all?
Not really. She's not my style, but she's got great legs.
So no harm in trying.
I'm glad you're working out.
Yeah, it's good once in a while.
Later I'll compensate. One quesadilla for each sit-up.
Your grandma's right.
There's more to life than being skinny.
-Sure. -Enjoy your pop.
Three, four, five…
Subtitle translation by: Ana G. González Meade