[upbeat music playing]
A NETFLIX SERIES
[Elvira] Come on, Blondie! No mercy!
[whines] Oh my God. [sighs]
Okay.
[upbeat music playing from speaker]
[breathing heavily]
[exhales]
[Tina] What is that?
[Silvia exhales]
[Silvia grunts]
Come on! Make us sweat it out, Blondie!
[chuckles]
[Silvia grunts]
-Om! Shanti, shanti, shanti, shanti. Om! -[clapping]
[all] Whoo!
[whispers] Oh, we have to pay.
[whimsical music playing]
[gasps]
-[whistling] -[cheering]
Let's go.
[whimsical music continues playing]
They thought I was begging.
Like… [inhales]
I was happy working out by myself,
when all of a sudden, everybody started chasing me.
Like a hoard of zombies.
And out of nowhere, they gave me coins.
[whimpers]
They thought I was a beggar or something like that.
No homeless people wear Lululemon, you know what I mean?
Diego, I know we're going through a rough patch…
but we don't need their charity.
They were probably thinking it was just a class or something.
And they were paying you for being their instructor.
Is that a teacher's salary?
-No wonder they're always on strike. -[Diego] Don't you see, Sil?
You can charge for your sessions to pay for important things.
Like… waxing.
[gasps] Or buying a car.
Mm-hmm.
[Tina] Now that Blondie has made exercising so fashionable here,
I'm gonna sell my weight-loss shakes.
When I sold them in Juarez, my shakes were such a big hit.
Well, how about that?
No need to exercise and get all sweaty.
But exercising is good for your health.
Listen, exercising only makes you more hungry.
And that's why my milkshakes will be such a success.
You will lose wight extra fast with Ex-Piggy Forte.
[Dolores] Here we go.
That's it.
[upbeat music playing from speaker]
Wow. Look.
-[gasps] Hi, handsome! Hey. -[whistles]
[chuckles]
Hello there.
What's up, Netito? Huh?
All this time, you never mentioned that you can dance so well.
But you kind of look like a blowfish. [whistles]
These shorts are giving me a wedgie.
[sucks teeth] Ah!
That's no big deal, man.
But be careful with the consequences. They can be a real doozie.
You know what I mean, prostate trouble.
Peeing in little squirts all through the night.
-And no more stiffies. -[gasps]
Nothing to worry about, Neto. Unless, you know…
Unless you've felt The Spear.
What's The Spear?
It's a pain that starts all the way at the top of Mount Blackburn
all the way to the Grand Canyon.
Get it?
You know, from the tip of your pecker all the way to your rectum.
I've felt that, though!
-No kidding. -Yes.
-Seriously? -Yes!
Hey, I'd get a check-up if I were you because you're still early.
I saw terrible things in prison from lack in medical care.
[inhales]
You have no idea.
[Crista] I'm really stressed.
Last week we had 13,000 Toxifans, and now we're down to 11,500.
We have to post juicy stuff, Pablo.
They're all saying that this is a fake relationship.
Did you read the comments?
[phone chimes]
"This relationship is faker than Luisito Comunica's cool trips."
[phone chimes]
"You know coffee and vanilla don't mix. They're obviously lying."
[scoffs] What's wrong with them?
Wait a minute.
We have to do something to prove that we're actually dating for real.
Day what?
[scoffs]
Hey, wait! Please, Crista.
Hold on.
I feel like there's something wrong in our relationship, and I want--
Whoa, whoa. Hold your horses.
We don't have a relationship. We're just fucking.
-But we've done it more than three times. -So what?
We could be dating officially now.
You can put me to the test. I'll prove it.
Okay. Only so you realize that labels aren't as good as they seem.
[Silvia] Don't you give up! Nine, ten…
LOSE WEIGHT $150
…eleven, twelve! Keep going!
Now, kick up and clap under your leg to work those obliques.
One, two! Energize! Three,
four, five, six…
-Come on, ladies! Stop your suffering! -…seven!
I have the quick solution
to get rid of those love handles just like that!
-Ex-Piggy Forte right this way. -[Silvia] Hey.
Please! All these powders are just a big scam.
If you want to lose weight, you have to exercise.
Easy. No pain, no gain.
This is what Anahí from the band RBD uses…
-[scoffs] -…to stay oh so very slim.
Are you serious? For real?
Don't believe me? Let's bet on it.
Elvira will drink my special milkshakes, and Lulú will work out with you.
The one whose client loses more weight wins.
Perfect. But if I win,
I want the whole clothesline to myself.
I hate sharing with strangers.
And if I win,
you're gonna wash my family's underwear by hand.
[sighs]
Fine.
No, wait a minute. You can count me out.
Don't you wanna look like Anahí?
No, I'd rather be curvy like Galilea.
My husband likes to have something to grab onto.
Oh, did I say Anahí? No, no.
Gali. Scrumptious.
Ah! In that case, I'm in. [chuckles]
Good. And you?
If I do your routines will I look like Maribel Guardia?
Oh, you'll look like Scarlett Johansson.
Kim Kardashian?
Okay, like Maribel what's-her-face?
That's great. [chuckles] I'm in.
-Oh, good. Yeah. -Yeah.
But wait, we won't get sick or anything, will we?
No.
-You'll see. -Mmm.
[Neto] Hi, Rigo.
Listen.
Do you know where I can get a check-up? You know…
-Yes. -For my, you know, heart! My prostate.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Don't ever say that word again.
Business will drop if any of my lady clients find out
that someone stuck their hand in your prostate.
-But it's for my health. -I don't care.
My brother Ramón used to say that,
and now he goes by Simona.
Besides, the only man who can check you is Mr. Inocencio,
but he has a big mouth. Especially when he's drunk.
Seriously?
You know why I never greet Mrs. Socorro with a kiss?
-Mm-mm. -She has herpes.
Mr. Rotulio never goes to the water park because he has a fungus.
Okay, okay!
In that case, we have to do something about these skimpy shorts. Please!
[groans]
Step on the scales.
Hey, hey, hey!
-Wait just a minute. -[Lulú] What?
-She's got extra weight on. -Hey, hey, hey.
[scoffs]
Hey, you too.
No cheating. Come on, take it off.
-But I don't-- -Fair is fair. Come on, let's go.
[Elvira sighs]
All right, let the Hunger Games begin.
[sighs]
[Pablo] Do you think this will work?
Of course. All couples post pictures doing yoga together.
[groans] Ow, ow!
Okay. This one's easier.
[meditation music playing]
Okay.
-[grunts] Ouch, ouch, ouch. -Fuck.
We have to go with plan B.
Aw, are you sure about that?
DOLORES FONDA
-[gasps] -Mom, stop distracting the champion.
I'm just putting her willpower to the test.
Here. Prove to us that your willpower is bigger than your hunger.
[sighs]
[gulps]
Yuck, it tastes like glue.
Come on, let her have a tamale to wash down the glue. Don't be so mean.
Mom. Instead of giving her ideas, help me egg her on. Let's go.
-[sighs] -That's it, Elvira.
Swallow, swallow, Elvira!
No, don't… don't spit it back up. Come on, drink it!
-[Silvia] No groaning. -[Lulú groans]
[Silvia] Listen, being skinny isn't easy.
[groans]
I don't think I can go on.
No, no, no. Wait. Listen to me. Hey, look here.
I'm not losing this challenge, okay?
-You have to go on. -[sighs]
I'm sorry. I'm just way too weak for this.
Look, I promise you that if you lose weight,
you're gonna look so gorgeous.
Pinky promise.
Fine, but if I win, do you promise I can borrow one of your expensive dresses
and try to get into the Soap Opera Awards?
-[whimsical music playing] -Um…
I don't know what that is, but yes.
So I can be up close and personal with Sebastián Ruli.
Ah!
Okay. But you know I'm a size two, so that means…
you have a lot of work to do.
-Up! -This is for you, Ruli!
-Cheer up! Let's go! -Yes!
-Smile! Smile! Smile! That's it! -[groans]
[Rigo] No, no, no, no. This isn't working.
Yesterday they wanted to hire you for three bachelorette parties.
They were all married women.
-Sorry. Change back into your shorts. -[groans]
What's up? [chuckles]
-Is the chicken coop dead or what? -It'll come back to life.
-As soon as Neto changes. -[Neto groans]
Don't be that way, Rigo.
Let the chickens die, but don't choke the cock.
If the chicken coop dies, so does the business.
So, the cock will have to suck it up.
Okay, let me try one day with this uniform.
And if I don't sell, I'll change back.
Okay, fine. But you know what lady clients like.
Cock.
[Tere] This is an exquisite tripe stew!
If we're going to date,
you have to eat everything my grandmother makes at her diner, okay?
So, get used to it.
Hey, what's wrong, young man?
Don't you want to try my tripe stew?
[inhales] Oh, of course I do, ma'am.
Let me see.
-[Dolores] So? -This is delicious!
-[Dolores] Is It? -Mm-hmm.
See, dear? He really knows how to eat,
unlike you who turned out to be a heathen.
Vegan.
Vegan, I have to remember. Vegan.
-[whimsical music playing] -Mmm!
-[Tina] Step up. -[breathing excitedly]
[growls]
It says you gained more than half a pound!
-[Elvira sighs] -We must be doing something wrong.
What we're doing wrong is that you're starving me to death.
We have to take drastic measures if we want to win this.
-Come on, let's go. -[groans]
Repeat after me, Confidence and faith. Repeat it.
-[keyboard typing] -[indistinct whispers]
[Pablo] No way. All these filters they're gonna think it's fake.
Look, you made my nose look like a reggaeton Pinocchio.
Calm down, Pablo. I didn't use so many filters.
I posted it.
[Silvia] Stand on the scale. Let's go.
-[exhales] -What?
It says you gained more than half a pound!
Mind telling me what you're doing wrong?
Well, when I get nervous, I sometimes retain fluids.
Okay. I have to switch strategies. Yeah.
I've got it. We can do planks with shoulder taps.
-Let's go. -[scale screeches]
[upbeat music playing through speaker]
[all together] Whoo!
That's what I call quality advertising.
[whistles]
-[all cheering] -[Neto chuckles]
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey! What's up, Netito?
I see they got you back in the shorts after all.
Tell me, did you at least get a check-up?
-Um, no, but I'm totally fine, Tommy. -Yeah.
Don't sweat it, Netito.
A little finger in the tush is actually a quite natural thing.
It happens every day in the can. And believe me,
anything is better than The Spear.
-The Spear? -[Tomás] Yeah.
What is that?
Well, it's this strong pain.
It goes from northern Baja California all the way to Chetumal.
From the Sierra Madre Range to Death Valley.
Um, from the tip of your penis to your rectum.
-[grunts] -[Tomás] Yeah.
I… I've felt that.
Is it very serious? Is it?
It's dead serious. It's terrible.
Why don't you guys go see Mr. Inocencio?
Don't worry, his finger is always ready for another prostate exam.
-Never! -Yes, yes, yes.
-We're men. -[all grunt]
We're not into fingering.
Okay. You could also take the tea that my mom used to make for Genaro.
-It's great. -For the prostate?
Yes, and for everything else as well. Yes, yes, yes.
Every time Genaro drank it,
he seemed energized. Damn Genaro.
Until he died, of course. Rest his soul. [kisses]
Anyways, sleep on it, okay? Yeah.
Hmm.
Well, if it's good enough for Genie, we can drink it too.
Okay, let's give it a try.
[Diego] I told you I'd do anything for you.
This is Winter, Raquel's son.
He's a tattoo artist, and he's going to give you this.
No. Forget it.
Anybody can get that on the beach.
I want something original.
Winter, do anything you want.
[chuckles softly]
[tattoo gun buzzing]
[whimsical music plays]
What's up, Lulú? How are Blondie's workouts coming along?
Oh, Tina. Don't tell anyone, but I'm in pain. Even my ears hurt.
Oh wow.
Yeah, I can tell you've been exercising really hard.
Yes, but I haven't lost any weight yet.
[sighs, sucks teeth]
You know, I knew this was gonna happen, so I brought you some pain medicine.
Here.
I'm really sorry, but I can't pay for it right now.
Don't worry about that, it's free. That's what friends are for.
Seriously?
[clicks tongue]
Thanks a million, Tina. I mean it. I'm ground to a pulp.
I imagine.
Wait, is roasted ground maize organic?
It doesn't go in the inorganic bin, so I'm guessing it's definitely organic.
How are you doing with Agustina's powders?
Oh, they taste like poop.
Aw.
But listen, if I'm going to look like Galilea,
I'll eat whatever it takes.
Uh-huh. What are you eating today?
Today it's fried tortilla-flavored powder.
I mean, why don't you eat the actual fried tortilla
and then spread the powder on top of it?
That's what I did a while ago, and I lost the weight way faster.
-Are you serious? -Sure.
Okay, then. I'll buy a masa dough snack instead.
Also, you know, fried tortillas are so tiny.
-Even better. For sure. -Right?
-Here you go. It's 20. -[Silvia moans]
Exactly 20.
[groans]
Can you vouch for me?
Wow, Diego got a tattoo?
Yes. I asked him to,
but I didn't think he would actually get one.
Let me see what tattoo you got, honey.
Wait, is that Roberto Palazuelos?
No way! It's a portrait of Tere, in the style of Andy Warhol.
This… this is pure art.
[gasps]
[Pablo] You won't like this one bit.
Mariana commented, "Pablo looks super fake,
they used too many filters, like Maradona used too many drugs."
-[whimsical music playing] -[phone screen locks]
Oh my God. They're asking for us to kiss live.
[Pablo] Well…
I think that we should, uh, do it. I mean, I'm willing to,
but if you don't… don't want to,
or you can't, or you feel uncomfortable about it,
that's no problem, we won't do it.
No. I think that it's part of, you know, our job, so to speak, right?
But if you don't want to, I'd understand.
Yes, for the good of the Toxicutes account.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, before you say anything, it's for his own good.
Tattooing his ass is for his own good?
Okay, maybe not that, but he should learn not to legitimize a patriarchal system.
Why don't you just tell him you're scared of dating officially?
[sighs]
But that's not it.
I'm just trying to get him to see
that there is more than one way of a couple being together.
Then tell him he has to have more of an open mind.
[gasps] Of course!
That's exactly what he has to learn.
Thank you, Janet. You're a genius.
-Hmm. -[keypad clicks]
RIGO EVENTS FOR YOUR PARTIES
[groans] Genie's tea didn't agree with me.
Me neither.
The Spear impaled me like there was no tomorrow.
-Yeah, me too. -[grunts]
Maybe Tomás is right and this is the start of prostate cancer.
Come on, we really need to go see Mr. Inocencio.
No.
I'd rather have worms in my prostate
than people know my pucker's no longer a virgin.
Let's go.
Because the bar closes tomorrow, and we know he'll be sober.
Yeah, all right.
But… but this stays between you and me.
Mm-hmm.
[whimsical music playing]
-[cracks] -Ow! My finger.
I don't know if this will work. How am I supposed to eat it?
[Tomás] Come on. Take it easy, Pablito.
You see, the goal is to make people crave your ice cream
because of the way you kiss it.
Does that make sense?
-Yeah, okay. -Go on, kiss it.
-Do it. -[romantic music playing]
Stop! Not like that, Nephew! What are you doing?
If you do that, there's no way anyone would believe that she's your girlfriend.
Try again. Hey, wait a second.
This time, put more soul into it. Make it sexy. Go.
[romantic music continues]
No way, I don't believe it. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you.
-Was it that bad? -Try it one more time.
Make it sexier. Show your eyes.
[romantic music continues]
Mmm!
[gasps]
Shut that mouth!
How many bites have you had?
Mmm.
Of that one, none.
-[whimsical music playing] -[Silvia sighs]
Who gave this to you?
Tina.
She said that it would help stop the pain, but…
it's only making me more hungry.
That's because these pills are to grow your appetite.
That's why it's called "Pig Out Pills."
Oh! [chuckles]
Oh well, they sure do work.
-No! That traitor's gonna hear me out. -Mmm.
[gasps]
Mm-mm.
[Silvia scoffs]
Hey, hey, hey!
-Stop it. You can't eat that stuff. -Mm-hmm.
Chivis said I could spread the powder on top of food
and lose a lot of weight really fast.
That wretch. No, no, no! Hey! Stop! No!
She's cheating so you can gain weight. Put that thing down. Down!
Mmm, let me just have one more tiny bite, just so the powder doesn't go to waste.
-Yum! -Mm-mm!
Look.
I said no, Elvira!
Janet, I need your assistance.
Only if you help me with the laundry.
[whimsical music playing]
I need you to help me kiss Pablo live and make it look real.
Well, just kiss him.
But I can't. I only kiss for love.
Help me fall in love with Pablo for a little while?
The trouble is, his self-esteem depends on his followers.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. What can I do to fall in love with him?
-I guess you have to get a love spell. -A love spell?
-Tell me all about it. -Well, um…
[Diego] I don't think I can do it.
Pablito.
Tere wants me to try pegging
to prove to her that I want to date her officially.
Pegging? What's that?
-She wants to do this to me. -[Tomás gasps]
[Tomás] Wow. Wow, wow. I…
Mmm.
I guess that must be a magical moment for any relationship, huh?
I'm scared.
Of course.
Should I do that with Crista?
Pablito, you haven't even kissed her yet.
-Ah. -Show me again.
I'm telling you, I'm gonna win this contest.
-I think you'll win too. -Look who's coming. Speak of the devil.
She should stop playing nurse. [scoffs]
[sighs] You know, you really stooped low taking advantage of poor Mrs. Elvira.
And you of Lulú's innocence. That's not fair play.
"That's not fair play."
As the mediator of this contest--
Stop this nonsense, and get your chunky ladies
to lose weight without cheating.
Okay, if she behaves, then so will I.
-Do you want to ask for a spell? -Yes.
But this place is so different.
Stop being so picky. Come on.
THE SHAMANA TAROT, WEEDING, LOVE SPELLS
Look, Blondie.
You need to tie together
a lock of your hair with your lover's hair.
Are you sure that that will be enough?
-It's a very efficient love spell. -But I really only want it for a while.
Come back later and I'll untether it.
-Do you realize what you're saying? -Don't listen to her, Blondie.
Janet is a weird kid because she has no faith.
She didn't even want to do her First Communion. Mm-hmm.
Come on, Janet. The point is, I have to fall in love with Pablo.
-Mm-hmm. Hmm. -[Tina] Squeeze her flabby chin, Mom.
Okay. She has to sweat out at least four pounds.
Wait, wasn't I just supposed to just drink the milkshake?
Listen, we have to take extreme measures or we're gonna lose.
[Dolores] Run in place.
No, faster!
Like when you chase the priest so that he'll hear your confession.
-[moaning] -[body thuds]
[gasps] What's wrong?
She fainted. Elvira!
Did you have breakfast, Elvira?
-[grunts] -[Silvia] Come on, let's go. No pain.
Oh! Yes, pain!
-Here, take this. -[grunts]
[sighs]
Isn't this Tina's milkshake?
Yes. It's just to prove that it doesn't work.
-Up! -[sighs, groans]
Move it!
Come on!
-Take it! -[groans]
Don't stop!
[whistle blowing]
Get up, Lulú!
If this is what you want…
I'm ready.
[romantic music playing]
-[chuckles] -What's so funny?
Pull up your pants, dummy.
I didn't think you'd accept.
Now I see you'd do anything for me.
Is being my girlfriend so bad?
No, of course not.
It's not you, it's just…
Yeah, you told me, it… it's not your style.
It's not my style, and nobody ever asked me.
But with you, everything has been different.
I hate that you're a rich kid,
but I hate even more that I'm so in love with you.
[Diego chuckles]
If you want, you can put me to the test.
-[chuckles] -[Dolores] This is the moment of truth.
Well, look who's here.
And there's the scale.
-Let's put an end to this. -Go. Elvira, you're first.
Come on. Stand here still.
-Come on! -Come on.
[scale clanking]
[gasps]
-Gained two pounds. -Damn it.
[chuckles]
Come on, Lulú! You can do it!
[Lulú exhales]
[chuckles]
She gained two pounds too.
-No. No, no, no. I won't accept a tie. -No, no, no. One more week.
-Yeah. -No fucking way.
No, I'm not doing this any longer.
Neither am I.
Luckily, Mrs. Dolores saved us from starvation every night
by making us her fried tortilla snacks.
-Excuse me? -You fed them every night, Mom?
Don't blame me.
Because I put double lettuce on them, and I wiped up all the oil with a napkin.
You should be ashamed, ma'am. You completely cheated.
Shame on both of you!
You nearly killed these poor women.
There's so much more in life than being skinny.
[inhales]
-Hurry, here comes Pablo. -Uh…
I'm ready for our big kiss now.
So am I.
Janet, start livestreaming
Cool.
[recorder chimes]
Toxifans, how are you?
Let's wait for more people to connect to talk a bit.
I know you're only here for me because Pablo's a nobody…
["Calle Victoria" by Macha Kiddo Feat. Lola Membrillo playing]
We are offline.
Cut, guys!
-Was it okay? -Mm-hmm.
What'd they say?
"That's hot."
-Hmm. -Cool.
Gentlemen, welcome to the backdoor community.
[chuckles] Just kidding, just kidding.
As far as I could feel, everything is fine in your deep canyons.
So, please go on and live your lives as usual.
What I don't understand is,
why you demanded the physical exam,
when nowadays there's a blood test?
What do you mean a blood test? You never told us about that, Tomás.
I didn't want to be a party pooper. That's why. Yeah, yeah.
What did I have to suffer? Huh?
-You were collateral damage, Rigo. -[grunts]
Wait, you never really cared about my health?
Sure I did, Neto,
but I was more worried about mine, and you see,
losing my place as neighborhood sex symbol could have serious consequences.
Um…
I sincerely apologize.
It wasn't in bad faith, but, well, yes, it was, but I apologize.
[sighs]
[breathes deeply]
[gentle music playing]
[sighs]
[in Spanish] ♪ Maybe meeting you Was no coincidence ♪
♪ Maybe this was fate's doing ♪
♪ I want to sleep on your chest again ♪
-♪ And then, wake up to your kisses ♪ -♪ Your sixth sense… ♪
[in English] They make a beautiful couple, don't they?
[in Spanish] ♪ I know soon We will be together ♪
♪ That mischievous smile That I carry with me ♪
[chuckles]
♪ I know I will soon be in your path ♪
♪ You know I'm hanging onto your hands ♪
♪ So don't you… ♪
[in English] If they have kids, they're gonna look like Dalmatians.
-Spotted? -[chuckles] I mean, yeah.
That's what happens when a brown chick gets with a blonde guy…
-Shh! -…polka dots.
Yeah.
♪ I send you songs Written by my own hand ♪
♪ I send you songs By Juan Luis Guerra's 440 ♪
♪ I send you photographs Of us dining in Martella ♪
♪ And when we went to Venezuela ♪
♪ That way you'll remember And never forget me ♪
[both] ♪ That my heart Is hanging in your hands ♪
♪ Treat it right ♪
♪Treat it right ♪
♪ For my heart is hanging in your hands ♪
[chuckles]
[in English] I love her!
I even got a tattoo for her, look!
-No, don't, Diego! -Diego, no, don't do it.
-Kiss, kiss! -Kiss her!
-Yay! -[cheering]
[salsa music playing through speaker]
Come one, come all!
Take advantage of our special prices this weekend,
only at Events By Rigo, go, go…
Buddy, buddy, buddy!
Sales are soaring, huh? [chuckles]
-I knew Mr. Inocencio wouldn't tell. -Right!
Hey, how's it hanging?
Just look at you, Ernesto.
I've been talking to friends and heard you're as pretty on the outside
-as you are on the inside. -[gasps]
Rigo, you too, darling.
Bye. [kisses]
-[sighs] -Fucking Inocencio.
Come one, come all! Get your discounts!
"Pretty on the inside." Mmm.
A tamale with green sauce, please.
Thank you.
-Are you trying to kill yourself, Mom? -Of course not.
Dolores says this has nutrients.
Yeah, and a ton of oil.
Fine, I'll pat it off with a napkin.
[chuckles]
Look, there's more to life than being skinny.
Mmm!
It's delicious.
-Want one? -Do you have the pink kind?
Nine, ten,
-eleven, twelve, thirteen! -[breathes heavily]
You decided on Silvia's method after all, Auntie?
Not really.
Blondie isn't my cup of tea, but she has nice legs.
There's no harm in trying.
I think it's good for you to exercise.
It's good once in a while, dear.
Later I'll compensate, a quesadilla for each sit-up.
-[chuckles] -Yeah?
Your grandma's right.
There's more to life than trying to be skinny.
-Sure. -Enjoy your Popsicle.
[exhales]
Three, four, five, six…
["El Dinero No Es La Vida" by Ximena Sariñana & Rubén Blades playing]
[song ends]