HOUSE FOR SALE
AN ORIGINAL NETFLIX SERIES
Neighbor!
I'm so glad you finally realized this lifestyle is not for you.
Yes, I don't like the neighbor's lice swimming in my pool.
The pool was crawling with lice when I got in.
We'll miss you guys anyway, honestly.
Really? What will you miss most? The burro?
Or the clothesline?
No, frankly, I'll think miss you most.
Really?
But what can we do?
The raffle made you stay just six months instead of a full year.
-What a shame! -Right?
-Oh my gosh! -Yeah, right.
What's wrong, Mom?
Mother most pure!
It's the Virgin Mary!
We can't sell it.
No!
THE WORLD'S BEST GRANDMA
-We need to sell it. -God forbid!
We can barely afford the expenses.
Genaro's salary barely covers the condo fees.
They're that much?
If they're to go to better schools or take a vacation one day,
we need to sell the house.
The Virgin Mary never appears for nothing.
She either came to say we need to stay, or to punish us for our sins.
God forbid!
No way!
I've sinned so much, especially since I started listening to Uncle.
-Always blame the handsome one. -Your mom's always right, honey.
Didn't you dream of being rich? You wanted to win that jet.
What good is money in hell?
Since when are you so religious?
You only took communion because you were hungry.
Stop fighting in front of the Virgin Mary. She'll report us up there!
Since when are you guys so devout?
Churches scare you, Pablo. The saints stare at you.
Yeah, like this.
Quiet, Jani. You missed First Communion.
And you, Tere? You say religion is the people's lithium.
Opium, Mom.
Same thing. Nobody's been to a church in ages.
The Virgin Mary came to get us out of debt.
Really. Listen up. Please.
Go ahead.
Our Lady of Lourdes gets over six million visitors annually.
Just imagine if we ask for a ten-peso donation per person.
Plus bottled holy water, blessed scapulars, the whole deal.
I'm totally against religion as a business.
We're not stealing. All the donations are voluntary.
We can't stop people from praying to Our Lady of Paradise Community.
You scammers are going to hell.
That Virgin is a water stain.
Forgive me.
You said you'd talk to your wife weeks ago.
In due time.
How could you call Silvia "Beatriz"?
Don't you people apologize with expensive gifts?
I'll keep quiet. She'll forget about it.
Women never forget, Neto.
On the contrary, they hoard their ammo for the next fight.
You don't hoard ammo, just old clothes. You need to get rid of some stuff.
You can do that, I have nothing to throw out.
-What about this? -I'll use it to clean mirrors.
Apply the Marie Kondo rule.
Toss anything that doesn't make you happy.
Look, Neto.
This jersey sealed our friendship.
-I can't throw it out. -No.
I'll miss you a lot, Neto.
I can't hide my feelings anymore.
I'm leaving this town.
Nobody likes me here because…
You can't leave, nobody buys a house with a stain like the Virgin Mary.
You don't know my Leo. She always gets what she wants.
Just a minute.
Yes, honey?
The image of the Virgin made Leonor change her mind!
They chose to be poor!
I was so sure we'd live in a trash-free community.
I'm so mad, I could hit somebody!
Where are you?
At the tennis club. I'll be right over.
I had to lie. You know what she's like.
Look, it's you. It's me.
What?
Can I take the afternoon off to see the Virgin Mary, ma'am?
Certainly not.
I will not help those people keep their house.
I must find a way to get rid of them.
You're punishing me.
Because of the raffle ticket. I didn't mean to steal it.
I just wanted to be paid for my car door.
And God wanted it to be the winning number.
No. Wait a minute.
That's it!
My punishment was having Silvia as my neighbor, right?
So, I've done my penance.
Please, dear Lady. We can't afford to live here.
So, either God sends me millions, or I sell the house.
That's it. So what'll it be?
WELCOME PILGRIMS
Hurry, Uncle.
Turn it a little so that…
People can see it when they drive by.
Crista, can we talk?
Crista, please!
She doesn't deserve you, Pablito. What I would--
No, Uncle. I'm fine. I don't need your advice, thanks.
Pablito.
RESTROOM $5 DONATIONS
God is with us.
So please be patient.
You may go in.
That's not fair. I got here before her like so many others.
Hold your horses.
What did Jesus say? "The last will be the first in heaven."
However, on Earth,
VIP's go first because they made larger donations.
I don't think that's fair. I'm out of here.
-Wasn't that amazing? -Yes.
I mean
you're improving.
Could be our last time before we move.
Are you really leaving?
That sucks. I've never been with someone like you.
Really?
Me neither.
Seriously?
How come?
You first.
You don't wax, you shave.
You went to a public school and you've been
on the subway.
I've never been with a guy who waxes all over and moans more than me.
I'm still the best you've had. I know you'll miss me.
I said you're improving, but like all rich snobs,
you only hear what you want.
You're the one that'll miss me, even if you won't admit it.
I think it's a water stain. What do you think?
Our Lady of Tepeyac!
No way, ma'am.
There's no way I'm touching the Blessed Virgin.
-At least pay your entrance fee. -What fee?
You bastard!
Honey.
Honey, I told you. The Virgin Mary is for real.
-Alberto del Arco is here. -Who?
The ghostbuster whose videos won that horror contest.
Baby Ghost's daddy!
That's him.
-Alberto del Arco the ghostbuster, right? -At your service.
-I'm Leonor, the official owner. -Okay.
-It's for sale. -With the Virgin and all?
-Isn't that the idea? -That sure is a miracle.
I'll give you 5% more than this
bleached blond.
Who did that awful dye job?
She offered it to me first. You're my witnesses. Right, guys?
Right.
-Tell her. -Beto!
Fine, I'll pay you 5% more than this scammer.
Ignore her, she's like the old hag that chased you in the woods.
I saw the video. You're a spiritual businessman, right?
-Right. -That's a gold mine. I mean a blessing.
Okay.
Our Lady of Lourdes has more than six million visitors a year.
-Yeah? -That's right.
So nobody goes to hell, we sell the house,
and Beto will let pilgrims visit the blessed Virgin.
If he doesn't remove her, that's fine.
-What? -As long as God's will is done.
-Yes, we agree? -Yes!
We'll be rich and I'll have my dream car.
-I won't have to walk fat dogs. -And I won't have to go with you.
I can go to a good school?
Yes.
-I love you, Mom. -I love all of you too, honey.
No. I need Beto's signature.
Let's pray it's the real Lady's image for people to keep coming.
Eat up before it gets cold.
-Yes. -Right.
I'll check the guacamole.
Everything okay, sir? Holy water?
No? Okay.
Hi.
Hi. I'm Jean Michel from Haiti.
I'm going to California.
Never mind that. It's free for you.
That's not fair. Everybody has to pay.
I'm not charging Jean Michel.
I guess you're here to ask her for a safe trip to the US?
She thinks you'll get lost at the airport.
Here you go.
Thank you.
You need that?
-Who's he? -What? You jealous?
Why is it free for him?
He's a migrant who's suffered a lot to get this far.
I'll let him have my room tonight. I'm sure he has nowhere to sleep.
Gosh, Dieguito! I think Tere is right.
He must've suffered.
But the Lord never gives us more than we can bear.
He created him black, but in exchange for a gift.
Like being good at sports?
Yeah, that too.
Hold this, Jani.
You hear of that black guy on WhatsApp?
How about that?
Fighting for a woman against that is a waste of time.
"Once you go black, you never go back"?
Women believe that?
Of course we don't.
There should be a meme about you racist and sexist guys.
That black guys have big penises and women only care about size
is so 20th century and you're pathetic.
Ignore her, Diego. She's too young.
She thinks Zague's famous for being great at soccer.
Consider this for example.
No entrance fee for you.
Come on.
It's too long, the express rosary is better, mother-in-law.
God will send you down the expressway to hell, Genarito.
Can I tell you this while we pray?
In my soap, the rich landowner Guillermo Rivera Duffour
is dating Sebastián Romero, who has a small wallet but a big heart.
He's white too, of course. Everybody's always white in these soaps.
-Ivory tower. -Pray for us.
Praise!
They love each other, but they can't tell the townspeople.
They decided to keep it a secret.
Should Sebastián give Memo a little push to help him come out?
If the Virgin Mary knows, let the whole world know.
Amen.
I need some celestial advice. I haven't been the best Catholic.
And I haven't serenaded you at the shrine since I was six.
But I love you and respect you thanks to Grandma.
Look.
CRISTA PLEASE ANSWER ME
Crista won't answer any of my messages.
Maybe she thinks I'm a stalker?
Yes, it's all because of the damn social media.
But I never tried to get likes pretending to be someone I'm not.
No way, kids, no!
Do not say, "Teacher, may I get some glue at the store?"
Come on.
Yes!
In my defense, the burro is smarter than he looks.
And yes, that Tik Tok was lame.
And it was wrong to spy on Crista.
TIK TOK MESSAGE RECEIVED
You're right! I'll delete my Tik Tok account.
You're the best, Virgin Lady!
That sucks.
I know he's really tacky, but he's not into reggaeton, right?
Whatever that is, it sounds awful. And he's not such a bad guy.
Since I started hanging out with Pablo I feel distanced from everything.
I haven't been to the mall or the spa with Mom or used my credit card.
When did I last go clubbing with Mariana?
All because I'm hanging out with Pablo.
I knew you'd come back.
You finally realized I'm better than your husband?
Silvia, I think about you every time I hear slow reggaeton.
He doesn't even like reggaeton.
Baby, there's only one thing you can do to make me happy.
You name it, honey.
Can you pray?
Good.
We can't mix with the other classes.
I think.
Gosh, Dad.
You sound just like Mom.
You got no cred.
Oh my God!
I'm turning into a López.
No way! When did this happen?
And I'd like to see you
When I think about you
Same outfit? Isn't it too soon?
When I think about you
When will I see you again my love?
When?
The nights are unbearable Without your warmth
No, I know that song
because Pablo's always singing it, and you know what? I like it.
But don't tell Mom. She'll kill me.
I understand perfectly.
It's unfair for your mom to say it's beneath us
to mix with the lower classes.
Exactly.
How would you know?
If your mom finds out about a friend of mine, she'll kill me.
Yes, definitely.
MARIANA: ARE YOU WITH YOUR STALKER? CAN WE MEET?
CRISTA: IT'S NOT ME IN THOSE TIK TOKS.
MARIANA: DID YOUR DAD DELETE HIS ACCOUNT?
Did you close Pablo's Tik Tok account?
Me? Why would I? I don't even know how.
He deleted his account!
No! Pablito!
I owe him an apology.
But no proper rich kid ever apologizes.
Right?
Thank you very much! Come and get it!
Holy water spray with photos to post on Facebook.
Virgin Cola, the official drink.
Get your Our Lady of Paradise hat.
Sorry, blessed Virgin. I swear it's all for love.
Stop, you sinner!
Sorry! I swear the Lady told me to. She appeared to me like she did to Juan.
Juan Diego?
The Indian. She said to bring a hammer. I think she wants to be empowered.
I'm the one who's empowered. You'll pay for this. Save it for the cops.
They'll grill the shit out of a sacrilegious white guy.
-I'm sorry! -Move it.
-Move it! -Heretic!
If they see it's a leak, they'll lynch us.
I know, honey. We need a real miracle.
Quiet now.
-That's the devil. -No problem, we'll fix it for you.
Look at her horns!
Forget it. I will have no part of this.
No, but…
Damn!
-Heretic! Sinner! -I'm leaving. Please!
-You evil man! -Please!
-Where are you taking him? -Stop playing dumb. This is your doing.
Me?
Yes, the cops will make him confess
by waterboarding every orifice in his body.
The face is fine.
It wasn't me. He's an atheist.
That's why I fired him as Crista's driving coach.
He has no fear of God. Taking him to the cops is useless.
Who will they believe? Me or you?
This is the new 4T Mexico. We'll see.
Selling tickets to a shrine is illegal, so I had Rober destroy her.
Your taped confession is enough to condemn you.
And send you to hell!
I'll tell your folks you stole the house from me.
How about that?
Remember I have a video of you and this jerk kissing.
Ernesto will dump you
when he learns about the huge fine you paid thanks to your lover.
Honey, we have a big problem.
Beto doesn't want the house anymore.
It turns out the Lady is a water stain.
Too bad! Now you have to sell it to me!
When will you and your family realize
you can never live in a place like this.
That's life. It's not your fault or mine.
It is your fault. You could just leave us alone.
Certainly not!
This is Mexico.
-Rich people always win here. -We'll see about that.
We'll see about what?
-Honey… -You idiot! Stay away from me!
My love.
Why are you spying on me?
I just came to see
how big you are.
Fine.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
One.
-Two. -Three!
Hey, Jean.
What's this?
It's not what you think!
I just wanted to confirm the black guy myth.
-What? -What?
I'm out of here.
You're such a asshole!
Jean Michel!
Tere!
Jean Michel!
Here's the…
food for your journey.
You're no migrant!
No. My biker club is touring the Pan American Highway.
I'm just here to see a friend.
So why did you stay at my place?
I thought you did threesomes. But you're nothing but racists.
My backpack.
At least I got it right.
He's got a big one.
TO NETO FROM GENI WE'RE THE BEST TEAM EVER
When Silvia finds you, she'll know Neto's my buddy.
Hi.
Crista. I shouldn't have…
I have something important to tell you before I go away,
which is tough for someone like me.
-Just listen, okay? -But I need to say--
Don't!
I've realized that Mariana and friends are not my real friends.
That's what I told you.
Please let me finish. I also realized that you…
are my best friend.
What?
My best friend.
-What? -You're my best friend, okay?
Really?
Yes.
That's not necessary.
Aren't we best friends?
-Yes, but there are certain stages. -Stages?
First, we open up to each other. Then we hug.
Then we switch clothes.
Maybe not that.
But only after the final stage can you post our friendship.
Got it?
Yes. I totally understand.
I have to go now.
Where are you going?
Tulum.
With Mariana.
-But she's not your friend. -Don't judge me. It's complicated.
You're my BFF, so support me.
Okay. It's fine.
Have a nice trip.
Thanks.
Bye.
-Are you sure it's this one, ma'am? -I'm sure. And don't call me ma'am.
This will make Leonor sell me the house.
Oh, no!
TO NETO FROM GENI
Diego! Crista!
Silvia! Cata!
Forgive me, dear Lady, for not being as devout as they want me to be.
Turning the other cheek.
And feeling guilty about everything.
That ticket was in Silvia's bag. God wanted me to win.
And I'm never telling my family.
You know why?
I don't want them to feel they don't belong here for one second.
Geez!
My God!
Look at that.
What's all this?
-It's what we rescued from our house. -They'll have matching outfits.
Shut up.
Can we stay with you?
Did Silvia see my team-shirt?
I don't mean to be rude, but one of you guys is rotting.
Why are you here?
This house is about to be drenched in raw sewage.
Smell that!
It was you.
Our house is drenched in sewage thanks to you.
Now we need a place to stay.
No.
What do you want?
Do you want to be the local laughing stock?
No reality show could get us out of this.
Will you sleep on the floor with the burro?
I don't care. We're safer with them than with you.
Low blow.
Be a martyr if you want. Cata, get the luggage.
I'm in love with Tere!
With what?
So I wanted to see Jean Michel nude.
Who? See him nude for what?
To decide if I should fight for you.
But I was scared to tell you because of Silvia.
You finally admit you're crazy over me.
No way, nobody could ever be crazy over you.
Look at you, for Pete's sake.
Don't mess with my Tere!
I hang out with Genaro.
What?
That's a lie.
Just a minute.
We're just good friends. And we like the same soap opera, right?
And this is such a nice dedication you wrote me.
Which is gone thanks to you.
Okay, let me explain.
Okay, it's all Leonor's fault. She thinks she can live in this house.
What universe do you live in?
Ernesto, when she sells us the house and they move out,
all our troubles are over!
We're here to stay. I'm not selling it to you or anyone, okay?
Leo, we're living in poverty because of your feud with Blondie?
We'll think of something. We made it for six months.
We want to sell it to improve our family's lives.
-Exactly. -Money without dignity is worthless.
-Yes, but dignity won't feed us. -Right.
What about the good school? You don't care about us.
You don't.
She doesn't care about you guys because she's insane!
And we need to talk.
I'm moving with her.
Everyone! Calm down!
Beautiful lady
Talk to me about you and your feelings
Talk to me, beautiful lady
Tell me about yourself
And about your lovers
-Who's this guy serenading? -I don't know.
-Her. -What?
He's her lover.
-Leo! -What?
He's not my lover.
But it's true.
The kid's in love with me.
Ernie, Diego, kids, everybody please go inside.
Let's go.
What are you doing here?
Have some self-respect, kid! You don't get it.
Get out of here!
Shoo!
My God!
Not you, Leo.
Traitor!
Whatever you two are up to,
you only care about yourself and your spite for her.
How did you make us feel like this when we almost realized our dream?
When you're all about winning.
The Lopezes and the Espinozas are much better off now,
without your little feud.
You neither, Silvia.
Move in together to the flooded house and leave us alone.
All because of your stupid war.
What?
Don't even think I'm thanking you for that.
I never thought you would.
It wasn't just for you.
-If Ernesto finds out about Rober-- -Your folks find out about the raffle.
Poor people are so selfish.
And rich people always find a way to blame poor people for everything.
I get the master bedroom!
What? No! Not my bed!
Don't you dare!
No!
-Run! What a stench! -No!
Son of a gun!
Oh my God!
Don't come inside, baby. Wait over there.
Go home!
Subtitle translation by: Ricardo Espinoza.