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narrator: In 1985,
little John Bennett

2
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,302
wished on a shooting star

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that his teddy bear
would come to life.

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Magically, it happened.

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Ted was an instant,
worldwide phenomenon.

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But now, it's 1993.

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And like every phenomenon,

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eventually,
nobody gives a shit.

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[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

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* *

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- * My words are lazy *

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* My thoughts are hazy *

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* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

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* Everybody needs
a best friend *

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* I'm happy I'm yours *

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[upbeat jazz music]

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* *

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[glitchy music playing]

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- Fuck, it's not working.
Here, let me try something,

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- You got to blow on it.

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- That's what I'm doing.
[blowing]

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- No, no, you got to
like really blow on it.

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Here.

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[blowing harder]

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- Wow, you are going to make
some guy very happy one day.

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- Fuck off.

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- Try it again
with eye contact.

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- Fuck you, man.

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See if it works.

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[upbeat electronic playing]

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both: Hey!

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- All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

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- Anybody seen my car keys?

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- Yeah, they were on the floor.

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Dad stepped on them
and got mad.

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- What'd he do with 'em?

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- Think he threw 'em.

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- Shit.

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- Hey, are Mario and Luigi
supposed to be midgets?

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- What do you mean?

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- They're wicked short.

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Like, is it part
of their character

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that they're midgets, or is--

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- Jesus Christ. Seriously?

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- What?

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- Little people.

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- Yeah, that's why I'm asking.

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Are they supposed
to be midgets?

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- You don't say "midget."
You say "little people."

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"Midget" is rude.
- Why is it rude?

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- Because it just is.
It's a fucked-up word.

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I mean, how would you like it
if you were a little person

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and someone called you that?

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- Well, I mean, technically--

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- That's not the same.
- Why not?

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- You're a teddy bear.

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- So what?
Doesn't matter.

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Yeah, yeah, you know what?
I ama midget.

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And I will thank you
not to tell ourcommunity

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how to use ourword.

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- Well done, Teddy.

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- Thank you.

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[owl hooting]

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Susan, just say it once.

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- Nope.
- Just one time.

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- No.
- She's not going to do it.

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- Come on, just one "fuck."

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- No, she doesn't
want to go to hell.

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- Come on, Susan.

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- I can express myself
without that kind of language.

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Thank you.
- Come on, we got a bet going.

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Just one time.
- What's the bet?

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- Oh, that Ted can
get Mom to swear.

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- Oh, wow, so fucking adult.

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- Hey, we're at dinner.

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- Just say "shit."

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- Shoot.

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- Just give us the finger.

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- There's your finger.

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- Say "Polack."

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- Ted, really?

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- It's not a race.
You can say it.

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- Yeah, it's just
a bunch of guys.

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- OK, just eat your supper,
fellas.

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- She's not going to swear,
man.

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I win.
- Ah, fuck.

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- Pay up.

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[Ted groans softly]
Thank you.

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Wait, you're not wearing pants.
Where'd you get this?

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- Don't you worry about where
I'm keeping stuff.

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- Matty, honey,
that's your fourth beer.

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- Yeah, I had a shit day.

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- Yeah,
four is like a Boston one.

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He's OK.

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- I'm sorry your day was hard,
honey.

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- Yeah, well,
sorry doesn't fix the car.

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- What happened to the car,
Dad?

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- Whole rear fender
got smashed.

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- Well, how bad is it?

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- It's going to be at least
400 bucks.

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- Who hit it?
- I didn't see.

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But I was parked outside
the Hong Kong buffet, so...

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[chuckles]
Do the math.

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- I'm sorry, what?

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- I'm just saying.

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- Wow, that is such
complete bullshit.

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- Hey, we're at dinner.

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- It's a bullshit stereotype.

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- Tell that to my car.

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- Swear to God,

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this whole household
is so goddamn backward.

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Ted has used two derogatory
terms this afternoon.

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And then there you go

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topping it off
with that ignorant comment.

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- I said "midget."
What was the other one?

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- Yeah, I don't know.

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- You're living in my house
with my family,

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eating our food,
and drinking our milk.

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Tough shit
if you don't like it.

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- That's just--that's great.

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I'm so glad you don't count me

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as a member of the family,
Uncle Matty.

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- Maybe "Polack"?

124
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- No, couldn't be that.
That one's fine.

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- Blaire, you are absolutely
a member of this family.

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Matty, tell her you're sorry.

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- Of course he won't.

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Because if he did,
he'd be admitting I'm right,

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which would also be admitting
he is a classic Boston racist.

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- I'm not a racist!

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My favorite movie is "Rocky."

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- How the fuck does that
make you not racist?

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- Uh,
Apollo Creed is in the movie.

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- So?

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- So he's a Black guy who
wins against a white guy.

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- Oh, my God.

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- I mean, it's assuming
you count Italians as whites,

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which I mostly do.

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Of course, they weren't white
up until the 1960s.

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They got a big bump
after Korea.

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And it wasn't so much
they got more white,

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the Cubans got more Black,
but I was OK with that too.

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- Isn't this the toast

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that got you kicked out
of Ronny's wedding?

145
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- Again, I was explaining

146
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why it was OK that
he married an Italian.

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- Jesus Christ.

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You are literally
proving my point.

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You are a raging
fuckin' racist.

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- Hey, we're at dinner.

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- Well, in fairness, Blaire,
you can be racist too.

152
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- What?
- Mm-hmm.

153
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- No, I'm not.

154
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- Do you remember when
you were a little girl?

155
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You used to cut the hair
off your Barbies?

156
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,126
- Yes?

157
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,545
- You used to cut the
Black Barbie's hair off first

158
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to see how it looked.

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- Oh, come on.
Are you serious with that?

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- And then if you liked it,

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then you'd cut
the white Barbie's hair.

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So you're a little racist too,
Blaire.

163
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- Wow, that is weirdly
so much more damning

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than anything else today.

165
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- And it started when
she was very young too.

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- Are you guys
for fucking real right now?

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- I mean, that is some sick
Nazi doctor shit right there.

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- Did you?

169
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- What?

170
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- Did you cut
the Black Barbie's hair first?

171
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- Fine, yes, OK, I cut the
Black Barbie's hair, yes.

172
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I was eight years old, OK?

173
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I didn't fucking
know any better.

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- What was
the Black Barbie's name?

175
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- I don't remember.
- Oh, it gets even worse!

176
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- Oh, my God, she can't remember
the Black Barbie's name.

177
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- But I still love
both Barbies equally.

178
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- And separately?
- Yeah, yeah.

179
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What was the water fountain
situation like

180
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,593
at the Dream House?
- Yeah, was there like

181
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,178
a special entrance
for the Black Barbie?

182
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,513
- Look--
- Oh.

183
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,681
Did you call it
the "I Have a Dream House"?

184
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- A-ha!
- OK, I was a fucking child.

185
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All right?
At least I have that excuse.

186
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,520
You guys are adults.

187
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You know what the problem is?

188
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Education.

189
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There is a complete lack
of education in this family.

190
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:00,360
- That's not true.
I go to school.

191
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- I'm taking a pottery class.

192
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,239
- What about Ted? Hmm?

193
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,032
He's never had
a day of education in his life,

194
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,368
and it shows,
using words like "Polack."

195
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,619
- Oh, it was "Polack."

196
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:12,205
- The teacher says
my ashtray shows promise.

197
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,708
- You should be going to school
every day with John.

198
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,292
You'd learn something.

199
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,627
And maybe you wouldn't make
all these ignorant comments.

200
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,295
- Uh, yeah, no thanks.

201
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,338
- Why not?

202
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,090
- Because.

203
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,258
TV.

204
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:24,634
- [sighs]
Aunt Suze, help me out.

205
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,469
- Well, Ted,
you might have fun.

206
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,887
- Mm-hmm.

207
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,639
- And I'm sure John would love
to have you there.

208
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,599
- No, no, I would not have fun.

209
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,435
And "The Price is Right" is on
at 10:00 a.m.

210
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:34,894
and I'd miss Plinko

211
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,272
and Johnny respects me too much
to want me to do that.

212
00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:38,648
- I do.
I respect him.

213
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,525
He tells me all about Plinko
when I get home.

214
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,860
- That is such a cop-out.

215
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,070
- Look, I guard the house
when you guys are out.

216
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,572
- [scoffs] You do not.

217
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,990
- Yeah, I do.
- How?

218
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,075
If somebody broke in,
what would you do?

219
00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:52,162
- I--I would tell him all the
good stuff's in the backyard

220
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,539
and then I'd lock the door
behind him.

221
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,624
- This is pointless.
I have plans with Sarah.

222
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,546
- Oh, Plinko was wonderful
today.

223
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,840
- Plinko is the best
"Price is Right" game.

224
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:04,758
- It is.

225
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:08,219
We live in such special times.

226
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,181
[upbeat jazz music]

227
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,266
* *

228
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,478
- $1,000 total thus far.

229
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,937
- Oh, God.
- Third one is...

230
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:18,813
- Oh, God.

231
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:19,939
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

232
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,775
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.

233
00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,818
Yes! Ah!
Oh, my God!

234
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,738
[cheers and applause]
I want to tell somebody.

235
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,281
No, it's OK.
It's all right.

236
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,325
This will be my moment.

237
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,618
[switch clicks]
[Ted sighs]

238
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,496
All right, another day
with the house to myself.

239
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,955
What's fun?

240
00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,874
What's fun? What's fun?
What's fun? What's fun?

241
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,376
[gasps]

242
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:43,004
Oh, let's see if we can find
where Matty hides his porn.

243
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:50,011
Jesus, he's got nothing?

244
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,805
25 years of marriage
and no porn,

245
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:53,181
I'd put a bullet in my head.

246
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,141
Oh, here we go.

247
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,977
Oh, talk about
the right to bear arms.

248
00:07:58,019 --> 00:08:00,188
[chuckles]
Bear arms bearing arms, right?

249
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:03,650
[laughs] Oh, man, everybody's
missing all this great stuff.

250
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:06,695
Oh, wait. Oh, I know
what to do with this.

251
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:18,915
[gun cocks]

252
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,212
[laughs]
Awesome!

253
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:27,048
Oh, I am so glad
I tried this at home.

254
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:29,676
- What the hell was that?

255
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,261
- Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko.

256
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,179
I'm just doing
a science experiment.

257
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,973
- Is that a gun?

258
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,726
- I mean, that's one function
of it, yeah.

259
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,269
- Well,
what are you shooting at?

260
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:40,270
- Nothing.

261
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,229
- Are you sure?

262
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,272
- Yeah.

263
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,231
- All right.

264
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,109
Oops!
[groans]

265
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,110
[gunshot]

266
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,364
[dog barking in the distance]

267
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,616
Ah, fuck.

268
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,083
[beer can rattles]

269
00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,003
- The Russian boxer has
all this technology, right?

270
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,130
But Rocky's way up
in the mountains.

271
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,257
And all he's got is,
like, logs and shit.

272
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,052
So it's wicked uneven
because the Russians

273
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,846
have machines for, like,
every part of Drago's body.

274
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:19,309
But you know what part
they don't have a machine for?

275
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,269
This guy, right here.

276
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,729
Aw, you should have seen it.

277
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,940
- I'm sure I still can.
It sounds like they filmed it.

278
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,275
- I don't know how we started
talking about abortion

279
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,526
and ended up here.

280
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,694
- I don't have to pick you up
tomorrow, right?

281
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,781
- No, I got the rental.

282
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,616
What the fuck?

283
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,412
[women giggling]

284
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,122
- Aw.
[laughter]

285
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,749
- Oh. Hey, Matty.
Hey, Blaire.

286
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:43,917
- What the fuck is this?

287
00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:46,169
- Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,

288
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,420
and Beef Stroganoff.

289
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,463
- Hi.

290
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,506
- What happened to the TV?

291
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,466
- Oh, I accidentally shot it.

292
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,801
- You shot it?

293
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,803
- Yeah, and I felt
really bad about it.

294
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:57,681
And then I was like,
"Hey, Ted, it was an accident.

295
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,557
"Stop being so hard
on yourself.

296
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:00,975
"It's bad enough
that it happened.

297
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,395
You feeling bad's
not going to fix it."

298
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,729
So I called these ladies

299
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,106
because I was trying
to make myself feel better.

300
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,941
And I do. I feel better.
[women giggle]

301
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,859
- See, this is the kind of shit

302
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,611
that wouldn't happen
if he was in school.

303
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:12,612
- Wait, what?

304
00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,072
- You're going to school.

305
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,949
- Wait, hang on.
That is a serious overreaction.

306
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,033
- You're going to school,

307
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,576
and you're going to grow
a fucking brain!

308
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,953
- Oh, come on!

309
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,621
- I think brains are sexy.

310
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,665
- Shut up, Beef.

311
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,131
[owl hooting]

312
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:36,302
- Hey, Johnny, you awake?

313
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,637
- Yeah.

314
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,431
I was just jerking off.

315
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,724
- What?

316
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,726
- [laughs]
Relax, I'm fucking with you.

317
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,686
- Holy Jesus.

318
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:45,979
Wait, you're--
you don't do that

319
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,188
when I'm in the room, right?

320
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,940
- No.

321
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,985
Not usually.
I mean, if you're asleep.

322
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:55,780
- Oh, shit, that's why I had
the Spanish galleon dream.

323
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,990
- What?

324
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,116
- I had a dream the other night

325
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,577
that I was rowing
on a Spanish slave ship.

326
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,955
And the guy on the drums was
pounding faster and faster.

327
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,999
And so I escaped
by jumping out a window,

328
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,834
and I swam to a desert island.

329
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,002
And when I came ashore,

330
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,129
there you were jerking off.

331
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,882
That's probably why
I had that dream.

332
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,845
- OK, goodnight.

333
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,681
- Johnny, how bad
is school going to suck?

334
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,433
- You're not going to like it.

335
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:25,352
- How bad?

336
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,604
- You ever drink orange juice
after brushing your teeth?

337
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:28,646
- Yeah.

338
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,856
- Well, it's like

339
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:30,899
getting your nuts
smashed together so hard,

340
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,692
they become just one nut.

341
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:35,028
- Holy shit.
And that's every day?

342
00:11:35,070 --> 00:11:37,822
- That's every single day.

343
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,199
But if you die
in a drunk driving accident,

344
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,951
you get a whole page
in the yearbook.

345
00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:43,161
- Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"

346
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,497
but I'll see you
in the morning.

347
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,458
[upbeat jazz music]

348
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,795
* *

349
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,213
This sucks.

350
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,048
We got to lug these things
around all day?

351
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,257
- Yeah, pretty much.

352
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:58,551
- We look stupid.
- Nah, we're fine.

353
00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:00,762
- We look like suicide bombers
having second thoughts.

354
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:01,888
- Shut the fuck up.

355
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,056
You can't joke about bombs
here.

356
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,725
- [sighs]
Now let me ask you something.

357
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:06,893
You ever get self-conscious

358
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,812
being the only white guy
at your school?

359
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,772
- I dunno,
we live in a Boston suburb.

360
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,399
Oh, last year,
we had an Indian kid.

361
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,441
- Oh, yeah?

362
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:14,526
- Yeah, but they got him.

363
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,735
- What does that mean?

364
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,070
- I liked him too.

365
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:18,405
- What do you mean
"they got him"?

366
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,739
- He used to share
his Dunkaroos.

367
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:21,533
Good guy.
- Fuck this, Johnny.

368
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,618
You know what?
I'm going to get expelled.

369
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,036
- For what?

370
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,496
- I don't know yet.
I'll come up with something.

371
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,039
- Wait, you're going to try
and get kicked out?

372
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,834
- It's the only way.
I'm missing "Card Sharks."

373
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:33,628
[indistinct chatter]

374
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:36,631
- [gasps softly]
Dude, look.

375
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,799
There she is.

376
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:38,800
- What?

377
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,510
- Look.

378
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:42,846
- Holy shit, who is that?

379
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,264
- Bethany's sister.

380
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,933
She goes to Emerson.
Hottest chick on the planet.

381
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,893
- Jesus, what's her name?

382
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:49,936
- Sheila.

383
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,896
- What? No.
- Yep.

384
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,398
- Sheila?
- Uh-huh.

385
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,568
- What the fuck kind of
malevolent God would do that?

386
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,236
- Yeah, it's like her parents
knew she was going to be hot,

387
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,446
and they wanted
to level the field.

388
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,114
- Think fast, Bennett!

389
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,157
[laughter]
- Nice!

390
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,950
- Fuck.
- Hey, dork.

391
00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,118
What the fuck you got here?

392
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,619
You're bringing your dolls
to school?

393
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,704
- Hey, fuck you, Clive.

394
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,040
Oh, God, you motherfucker.

395
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,125
- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Clive.

396
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:13,626
- Nice teddy bear, Bennett.

397
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,504
You got your blankie too? Ooh.
[bullies laughing]

398
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,506
You must be going full gay
on us, huh?

399
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,467
I always knew you were
a big queer.

400
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,427
- You know, I don't want
to speculate on who's gay,

401
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:26,014
but didn't you just
touch his penis twice?

402
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,807
Hey, listen, man,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.

403
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,726
It's the '90s.
Times are changing.

404
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:32,312
Hey, anybody else here gay?

405
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:33,396
How is it?

406
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,315
- It's great.
- It's the fucking tits.

407
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,525
- See? There you go.
The reviews are in.

408
00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,445
- You're still a fucking dork.

409
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,822
[grunts]
- [laughing] Hey, what a dorko.

410
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:44,616
- Let's go.
[bully laughs]

411
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,285
- Hey, you know what, Teddy?

412
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,953
I think I'm really glad
you're here.

413
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,121
- Yeah, thanks.

414
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,206
I'm still going
to get kicked out.

415
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,291
- I know.

416
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,169
- From 1814 to 1815,
following the writing

417
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,171
of "Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage,"

418
00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:00,757
Lord Byron was the toast
of Regency London.

419
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:03,093
During this period, he wrote
"The Siege of Corinth,"

420
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,971
"The Bride of Abydos,"
and what else?

421
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,765
- Amanda.
- "Terracina."

422
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,433
- Yes.
Someone did the homework.

423
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,893
Very good.

424
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,479
- I think this guy's lost
40 hairs since class started.

425
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,438
- It's weird, right?

426
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,439
It's like
they're not falling out.

427
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,191
They're jumping out.
[Ted laughs]

428
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,026
- Ted.
- Yes?

429
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,569
- Can you complete this verse?

430
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:25,407
"She walks in beauty, like
the night of cloudless climes

431
00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:26,991
"and starry skies.

432
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:30,453
And all that's best
of dark and bright..."

433
00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,622
- Your wife is
fucking other guys.

434
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,125
[laughter]

435
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,584
- [chuckles softly]

436
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:37,794
[sniffles softly]

437
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,546
You think you're funny,
but you know what?

438
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,214
Joke's on you, smart guy,

439
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,550
because my wife and I are
having problems.

440
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,552
- Oh.
- Yeah.

441
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:46,720
- I'm sorry to hear that.

442
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,096
- Oh, thank you.

443
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:50,974
Um, my wife had
an affair last year.

444
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:52,559
And we've both tried
to recover,

445
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,687
but fact is, neither one of us
has been able to forget it.

446
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,399
So I come in here every day
acting like my life is great

447
00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:03,278
when, in reality,
it's a train wreck.

448
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,363
My own son
doesn't respect his father,

449
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,241
so joke's on you, funny man.

450
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,785
- Not really quite sure
how the joke's on me,

451
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,120
but--
- Who's laughing now?

452
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:13,913
- I mean,
I think I still am, but--

453
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,999
- Life comes with
a lot of pain, kids.

454
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,500
So better you learn
that right now

455
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:21,421
and develop some nice, hard
calluses over your feelings.

456
00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:23,214
My daughter is having
a pregnancy scare.

457
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,966
Anyone want to talk about that?

458
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:27,427
Well, we're gonna
talk about it!

459
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:30,722
Her last period
was five weeks ago!

460
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,600
I know this because

461
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,519
I'm the only one in the house
who buys tampons.

462
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,355
- Yeah, I don't think you're
going to break Mr. George.

463
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,939
He's already too messed up.

464
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,232
- Yeah, I see that.

465
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,442
- So what are you going to do?

466
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:44,569
How are you going
to get kicked out?

467
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,364
[indistinct chatter]

468
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:50,867
- Better put some
more franks on.

469
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:51,951
- All right.

470
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,454
[indistinct chatter]

471
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:55,914
- I'm the king of the wieners!

472
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,499
- [screams]

473
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:00,877
[Ted laughs]

474
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,504
[crying]

475
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,839
- Ted Bennett, please report
to the principal's office.

476
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:06,883
Well, don't mind if I do.

477
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:10,887
- Ted, do you know where
my last job was?

478
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,181
- Um, were you
on "Night Court"?

479
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,349
- [chuckles sarcastically] No.

480
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,685
I was principal
at Dorchester High.

481
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,144
- Oh, shit.

482
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:21,147
Wait, isn't their mascot
just a guy with a knife?

483
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,982
- Technically,
Stabbers was a pirate.

484
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,984
But yes, it was a little rough.

485
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,528
- I heard there
was one girl there

486
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,905
who was only eight years older
than her own granddaughter.

487
00:16:28,947 --> 00:16:30,156
- I'm afraid that's true.

488
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,449
- Well, how'd that work?

489
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,159
- Oh, it involved the
International Date Line.

490
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,078
But the point is

491
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,996
I watched a lot
of students stumble

492
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,833
and drift through the system
to come out on the other side

493
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:41,459
without any real education.

494
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,378
Some of them did what
you're doing--

495
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,839
testing the boundaries,
rebelling,

496
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,382
hoping to get cut loose.

497
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,925
- OK.

498
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,219
- Well, I'm not going to let
the same thing happen here.

499
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,346
- Love that.
Don't like where this is going.

500
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:55,181
- You're going
to be an example.

501
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,976
I'm not going to suspend you
or anything else.

502
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:01,271
We are going to make a
successful student out of you.

503
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:02,397
- Now hang on a second--

504
00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:03,857
- And you're
the perfect choice.

505
00:17:03,898 --> 00:17:07,527
So if you want to act up again,
just know if you do,

506
00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,529
it's not going to
change your situation.

507
00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,781
- Oh, man, are you sure
I'm the right guy?

508
00:17:11,823 --> 00:17:13,867
There's a fat kid who
likes to touch dicks.

509
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,660
- You're late for class.

510
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,412
[bell rings]

511
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,248
[upbeat jazz music]

512
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,167
- Maybe I could just tell
Matty to go fuck himself.

513
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,461
- No way, dude,
my dad's a sadist.

514
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,212
He thought Vietnam was fun.

515
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,589
- Jesus, really?

516
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:28,882
- Yeah, he cried when
the helicopters came

517
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,091
to pick him up.

518
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,217
You don't want
to piss him off, man.

519
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:32,135
He'll kick you
out of the house.

520
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:33,470
You'll starve.

521
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:34,763
- What the hell kind
of fucked-up wish

522
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,473
makes it so your teddy bear
comes to life,

523
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,891
but he's still got to eat?

524
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:41,102
[engine rumbling]

525
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:44,773
- Oh, man, there she is.

526
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:48,151
- Yeah, we got practice
in a half hour.

527
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,279
[indistinct chatter]

528
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:57,077
- Did you see that?

529
00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:59,037
- What?
- That was a joint.

530
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,538
- Oh, shit.

531
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,956
- Teddy, that's your ticket
out of here.

532
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,416
- What?
What do you mean?

533
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,293
- You get caught with drugs
in school, you're gone.

534
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,878
It's like zero tolerance here.

535
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,797
- Oh, fuck, wow.

536
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,090
- Hey, you ever smoked weed?

537
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,841
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

538
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,594
- Really?
The whole time you were famous?

539
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:16,262
- Yeah, I was afraid
my fur would catch on fire.

540
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:17,764
I got no flame retardant.

541
00:18:17,806 --> 00:18:19,265
- All right, well, anyway,
you don't got to smoke it.

542
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,433
You just got to get caught
with it.

543
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,018
- Well, fuck,
let's go talk to her.

544
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,269
- You fucking kidding me?

545
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:24,771
I'm not going to talk
to Sheila Borgwat.

546
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,524
- Borgwat? Fucking God,
it just keeps getting worse.

547
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,693
- No way, man. No, no.
I'm not going over there.

548
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,236
- Come on, Johnny,
you're not asking her out.

549
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,529
You're just asking her
for drugs.

550
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:33,863
You said you stare at her
every day.

551
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:36,241
This is the perfect excuse
to go talk to her.

552
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,410
- No, man.
I got you this far, you do it.

553
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:39,869
- If you don't come with me,

554
00:18:39,911 --> 00:18:42,414
I will tell her you masturbate
to network television.

555
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,748
- You motherfucker.

556
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,709
- I will tell her you watch
"Full House"

557
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,627
so you can jerk off
to Lori Loughlin,

558
00:18:47,669 --> 00:18:50,088
but that you can't always
predict how long the scene is,

559
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:53,091
so half the time, you ejaculate
to an establishing shot.

560
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,092
- You wouldn't.

561
00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:56,261
- Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!

562
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,972
Oh, Lor--oh, fuck,
a tasteful duplex.

563
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:02,892
[indistinct chatter]

564
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:04,394
- Excuse me.

565
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,229
Hi.
Uh, hi, I'm uh--

566
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,648
I'm John Bennett.

567
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:09,691
- Hi there.

568
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:12,527
Ooh, you just,
uh, wash your hands?

569
00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:17,824
- Uh, yeah, just when I--
you know, a while ago, not now.

570
00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,451
[chuckles nervously]

571
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:23,163
I had diarrhea.

572
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,330
- Hi, I'm Ted.

573
00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,331
- I'm Sheila.

574
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,916
- Oh, let's not ruin things.

575
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:28,501
- Hey, listen,
we couldn't help but notice

576
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:31,046
you were smoking a little pot.

577
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,506
- Yeah, midterms, you know?

578
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,799
What, are you going
to narc on me?

579
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,426
- Oh, we're not judging.
- No, absolutely not.

580
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:37,677
- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no,

581
00:19:37,719 --> 00:19:40,722
Teddy and I often partake of...

582
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,098
el bowl.

583
00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:44,851
- And the pot inside it, uh...

584
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:45,894
cha-cha-cha.

585
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,482
- It wasn't much diarrhea.

586
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,775
- Can we have drugs, please?

587
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,735
- [chuckles] Sorry?

588
00:19:53,777 --> 00:19:55,195
- We're just--
we're looking to get some weed.

589
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:56,863
We thought maybe
you could help us out.

590
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:59,866
- Yeah, uh,
how old are you again?

591
00:19:59,908 --> 00:20:01,242
- 16 1/2.

592
00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:02,702
- Oof.

593
00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:05,163
Yeah, sorry, bro,
that's not going to happen.

594
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:06,581
- It's not for him.
It's for me.

595
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:09,000
Look, I get why you can't
give a high school kid pot.

596
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,086
But talking teddy bears
are all good, right?

597
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,379
We all take drugs.

598
00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:13,838
The fucking Care Bears
are all meth addicts,

599
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,591
Paddington's on Quaaludes,
and Fozzie's a cokehead.

600
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:18,843
You know he was in the room
when John Belushi died?

601
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,553
- Look,
I can't help you guys out.

602
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,639
But if you want, I can hook
you up with my connection.

603
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,224
- Oh, that would be wonderful.

604
00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:27,352
And might I say, you are a
very beautiful woman, Shelly--

605
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:28,395
- Sheila.

606
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:29,604
- Oh, God, I know.

607
00:20:29,646 --> 00:20:32,774
[upbeat jazz music]

608
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:39,781
* *

609
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,371
All right, this is it.

610
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,124
- All right, this is
my allowance for the month.

611
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,458
If Dad asks where it went,

612
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,085
we bought tickets to see
"Schindler's List."

613
00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:53,920
- What do you mean?
That's only like 8 bucks.

614
00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:55,296
- Shit, you're right.

615
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:56,798
Well, what did we do
with the rest?

616
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,260
- Uh, we were so moved that
we donated it to Jew causes.

617
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,470
- That is so nice of us.

618
00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:03,722
Maybe we should
actually do that.

619
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,015
- What, are you fucking crazy?

620
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:06,349
Get your head in the game.
We got drugs to buy.

621
00:21:06,391 --> 00:21:07,517
- Shit, sorry.

622
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:09,436
Just be careful in there, OK?

623
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,312
I hear some of these dealers
can be sketchy.

624
00:21:11,354 --> 00:21:12,772
Just don't get shot, buddy.

625
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:14,733
- Will you relax? I'll be fine.
I'll see you in a few.

626
00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:21,489
[baby crying]

627
00:21:21,531 --> 00:21:24,659
[dog barking]

628
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,416
[Ted knocks at door]

629
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,003
Hi, I'm here for the weed--

630
00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:43,762
- No fucking way.

631
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:44,929
- Ted, what the hell
are you doing here?

632
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,681
- It's you?
- Who gave you this address?

633
00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,516
- Fucking Blaire sells pot?

634
00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,518
- Jesus Christ.
Lower your voice.

635
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,312
Get inside.
- [laughing]

636
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:55,357
Oh, un-fucking believable.

637
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,858
- The fuck do you want?

638
00:21:56,900 --> 00:21:59,069
- Wait, so I can't say midget,
but you can sell drugs?

639
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:01,071
- What's with all the noise?

640
00:22:01,112 --> 00:22:02,280
Who's this?

641
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:03,531
- This is Ted.

642
00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,325
Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.

643
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:07,410
- Oh, yeah.
Blaire mentioned you.

644
00:22:07,452 --> 00:22:10,330
You're that teddy bear that
came to life back in the '80s.

645
00:22:10,372 --> 00:22:12,832
- Well, yeah, but I've done
other stuff since then.

646
00:22:12,874 --> 00:22:14,376
- Like what?

647
00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,420
- Um, I was the stand-in for
Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."

648
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:18,421
- Oh.

649
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,090
- Not a tall man.

650
00:22:20,131 --> 00:22:23,468
Um, hey, how come
you're selling weed anyway?

651
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:25,887
- Sarah and I grow it here
in her apartment,

652
00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:30,433
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

653
00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,018
Ted, listen to me.

654
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:34,688
You cannot tell Uncle Matty
and Aunt Suze, all right?

655
00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,231
They will kick me out
of the fucking house.

656
00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,649
It's hard enough
to pay for school.

657
00:22:37,691 --> 00:22:39,359
I can't afford
a higher rent too.

658
00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:41,027
- Wait.
Matty charges you rent?

659
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:42,612
- Not as much as I pay
for an apartment,

660
00:22:42,654 --> 00:22:44,739
but still, 200 bucks a month.

661
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,033
- For that crappy room
over the garage?

662
00:22:47,075 --> 00:22:49,703
Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't
be caught dead in that place.

663
00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:51,871
I'm allowed to make that joke.

664
00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:53,581
Johnny and I donate
to Jew causes.

665
00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:54,874
- OK, well,
I still need the room,

666
00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,835
so you cannot
say a fucking word.

667
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,712
- Hey, look, man,
I'm not here to bust anybody.

668
00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:01,381
I just want the ganja.

669
00:23:01,423 --> 00:23:03,008
- You've never smoked before,
have you?

670
00:23:03,049 --> 00:23:04,634
- What are you--
what are you talking about?

671
00:23:04,676 --> 00:23:06,386
Yeah, I have.
I do lots of drugs.

672
00:23:06,428 --> 00:23:08,555
- Yeah?
Like what?

673
00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:10,098
- I'm on coke right now.
See?

674
00:23:10,140 --> 00:23:12,726
Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up
I just wanna write a novel

675
00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,227
and punch everything!

676
00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,270
Ow! Ow!

677
00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:16,604
Ah, just kidding.

678
00:23:16,646 --> 00:23:17,605
Doesn't hurt
'cause on account of the coke.

679
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:18,898
- Bullshit.

680
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:19,816
- I don't know what
I'm talking about.

681
00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:21,276
Please, can I have marijuana?

682
00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:23,069
- [sighs]
Fine. You got cash?

683
00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:26,239
- No. Wait. Sarah, we're--
we're not selling him pot.

684
00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:27,907
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

685
00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:29,868
- Uh, are you
fucking high already?

686
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,870
Your best friend,
my little cousin,

687
00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:33,538
is 16 years old.

688
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,789
I'm not gonna enable him.

689
00:23:34,831 --> 00:23:36,082
- Well, I'm not either.

690
00:23:36,124 --> 00:23:37,584
I'm not even gonna tell him
I have it.

691
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:39,377
It's for me, Blaire.
I swear to God.

692
00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:40,837
When have I ever lied to you?

693
00:23:40,879 --> 00:23:42,881
- Like ten seconds ago when
you said you were on coke.

694
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,883
- Well, yeah. But since then,
I've given it to you straight.

695
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:48,094
- Look, Blaire.
We need the money.

696
00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:49,137
Why not just do it?

697
00:23:49,179 --> 00:23:50,138
- That's right, Blaire.

698
00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:51,931
You need the money,
I need this.

699
00:23:51,973 --> 00:23:54,100
Look, do you have any idea
what it's like

700
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:55,935
to be the biggest star
in the world

701
00:23:55,977 --> 00:23:57,854
and then nobody
gives a shit about you?

702
00:23:57,896 --> 00:23:59,439
I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.

703
00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,024
I gotta escape my demons,

704
00:24:01,066 --> 00:24:03,109
and it's either drugs
or the church.

705
00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:05,153
You know what they do
to guys my size?

706
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:08,156
Oh, please, don't make me
suck a deacon's dick!

707
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:13,828
[soft dramatic jazz music]

708
00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:16,289
- We should smoke it.

709
00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:17,540
- Wait, what?

710
00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,042
Johnny, this is my
ticket out of school.

711
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:20,877
- Yeah, I know.
I mean, not--not all of it.

712
00:24:20,919 --> 00:24:24,130
Just, you know, we smoke some
and save some for the plan.

713
00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:27,342
- Well, Johnny, I--I promised
Blaire it was just for me.

714
00:24:27,384 --> 00:24:28,968
- Teddy, think about it,
all right?

715
00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:31,429
I bet I'm the only kid
in school who hasn't smoked.

716
00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:32,931
I haven't smoked.
I haven't had sex.

717
00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:34,683
I haven't had a girlfriend.

718
00:24:34,724 --> 00:24:37,102
Clive's right.
I'm a fucking loser.

719
00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:39,187
I mean, you're like
my only real friend,

720
00:24:39,229 --> 00:24:41,314
and we're sitting here
with real pot.

721
00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:43,108
It's here in person.

722
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,151
This could be the day
I start being cool.

723
00:24:45,193 --> 00:24:47,529
- Yeah, today is the day you
told a girl you had diarrhea.

724
00:24:47,570 --> 00:24:49,197
Don't put too much weight
on today.

725
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,618
Wait. Hang on, hang on.
- What?

726
00:24:53,660 --> 00:24:55,704
- Well, you and me
have been best friends

727
00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:57,372
like our whole lives.

728
00:24:57,414 --> 00:25:00,208
We're about to get high
together for the first time.

729
00:25:00,250 --> 00:25:01,334
- Yeah, so?

730
00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:03,461
- Let's do this right.

731
00:25:03,503 --> 00:25:05,296
[formal drumbeat]

732
00:25:05,338 --> 00:25:08,258
[upbeat jazz music]

733
00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:15,223
* *

734
00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:20,270
- Should we say grace?

735
00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:21,229
- Oh, yeah, good idea.

736
00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,274
Hello, God.

737
00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:28,319
It's me, Ted,
one of your weirder creations.

738
00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:30,280
Sorry about what I said today.

739
00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:32,157
Not that your deacons
aren't attractive,

740
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:35,326
but I'm saving my mouth
for marriage.

741
00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:38,371
Let us not be so high that
we have to call an ambulance.

742
00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:39,497
Amen.

743
00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:40,665
- Amen.

744
00:25:41,499 --> 00:25:42,625
OK.

745
00:25:44,294 --> 00:25:46,212
Let there be light.

746
00:25:51,718 --> 00:25:54,637
[War's "Low Rider"]

747
00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:57,891
* *

748
00:25:57,932 --> 00:26:01,061
[upbeat funky music]

749
00:26:01,102 --> 00:26:05,190
* *

750
00:26:05,231 --> 00:26:09,235
- * All my friends
know the low rider *

751
00:26:09,277 --> 00:26:11,780
* *

752
00:26:11,821 --> 00:26:16,117
* The low rider
is a little higher *

753
00:26:16,159 --> 00:26:23,124
* *

754
00:26:29,464 --> 00:26:34,511
[both vocalizing poorly]

755
00:26:34,552 --> 00:26:35,762
- Yeah.

756
00:26:35,804 --> 00:26:40,100
[both vocalizing poorly]

757
00:26:40,141 --> 00:26:41,601
- Hell yeah, man.

758
00:26:41,643 --> 00:26:45,146
[both vocalizing poorly]

759
00:26:47,816 --> 00:26:49,526
- I was so fucking hungry.

760
00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:51,194
- I was so hungry too.
- Mm-hmm.

761
00:26:51,236 --> 00:26:52,362
- It's so weird.

762
00:26:52,404 --> 00:26:54,447
You know,
this is like the perfect food

763
00:26:54,489 --> 00:26:55,824
for the perfect night.

764
00:26:55,865 --> 00:26:58,743
- Yeah, like who invented food?
That guy rocks.

765
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:01,621
- Well, if I knew you guys were
going to get so gussied up,

766
00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:03,123
I would have made
something fancier.

767
00:27:03,164 --> 00:27:06,042
- No, Mom.
This is perfect.

768
00:27:06,084 --> 00:27:07,627
These are perfect Steak-Umms.

769
00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:09,587
- The perfect Steak-Umm.

770
00:27:09,629 --> 00:27:12,632
It's right here.
Just--just feel it.

771
00:27:12,674 --> 00:27:13,842
[sighs]

772
00:27:13,883 --> 00:27:15,677
- I can feel your love
in this, Ma.

773
00:27:15,719 --> 00:27:18,638
- I'm so happy
you love it so much.

774
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,098
- Jesus,
you guys are acting like

775
00:27:20,140 --> 00:27:22,225
it's today's special
at Legal Sea Food.

776
00:27:22,267 --> 00:27:24,477
It's fine.

777
00:27:24,519 --> 00:27:27,272
- I think it's delicious, Suze.

778
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:29,107
- Can you guys believe

779
00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:31,151
that we're just, like,
we're sitting here,

780
00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:33,820
and we're, like,
having an experience

781
00:27:33,862 --> 00:27:36,656
and experiencing reality
all at once.

782
00:27:36,698 --> 00:27:38,283
- Hey, Susan.

783
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:41,661
Susan, I just wanna say
you have found your haircut.

784
00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:43,371
- What, you think so?

785
00:27:43,413 --> 00:27:44,622
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

786
00:27:44,664 --> 00:27:47,167
You could ride this to 70,
and you'd be fine.

787
00:27:47,208 --> 00:27:50,920
- Well, I just took a picture
of Tipper Gore into the salon,

788
00:27:50,962 --> 00:27:53,173
and I said, now,
I know it can't be like that,

789
00:27:53,214 --> 00:27:55,342
but try to get it
as close as you can.

790
00:27:55,383 --> 00:27:57,469
And so well, uh--

791
00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,596
- Tipper Gore should
bring in a picture of you.

792
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:00,930
- Stop it.

793
00:28:00,972 --> 00:28:04,976
[laughing]
This night.

794
00:28:05,018 --> 00:28:08,021
- Is there a fucking gas leak
or something?

795
00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:13,234
- It's funny.

796
00:28:13,276 --> 00:28:14,319
I ate all those Steak-Umms,
and I'm still hungry.

797
00:28:14,361 --> 00:28:16,488
- Oh, fuck.
These are so good.

798
00:28:16,529 --> 00:28:17,864
- So good.

799
00:28:17,906 --> 00:28:19,532
- And look at the
intricate carvings.

800
00:28:19,574 --> 00:28:21,159
- Yeah.

801
00:28:21,201 --> 00:28:22,702
Yeah, is this
some Illuminati shit?

802
00:28:22,744 --> 00:28:23,953
- That's what I've heard.

803
00:28:23,995 --> 00:28:26,831
Like, if you can decipher
what's on an Oreo,

804
00:28:26,873 --> 00:28:28,750
you can know the mind of God.

805
00:28:28,792 --> 00:28:30,835
- I heard no two Oreos
are alike.

806
00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:32,462
- Hey.

807
00:28:32,504 --> 00:28:34,422
What a great conversation.

808
00:28:35,965 --> 00:28:37,133
- I fucking knew it.

809
00:28:37,175 --> 00:28:38,760
- Oh, shit!
- Hi, Blaire.

810
00:28:38,802 --> 00:28:40,261
- You guys are stoned.

811
00:28:40,303 --> 00:28:42,055
- Look, Blaire, Blaire,
it's a little more complicated.

812
00:28:42,097 --> 00:28:44,557
- No, you fucking swore
it was just for you.

813
00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:45,809
- All right.
OK.

814
00:28:45,850 --> 00:28:47,394
I didn't wanna have
to resort to this.

815
00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:48,853
[squeaky voice]
I love you.

816
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:50,897
See? Now you're not
mad at me anymore.

817
00:28:50,939 --> 00:28:52,607
- And fuck you, by the way.

818
00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:53,733
I've been trying for two weeks

819
00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,068
to get Susan to fix
that haircut.

820
00:28:55,110 --> 00:28:57,070
- Blaire, listen.
It's my fault.

821
00:28:57,112 --> 00:28:58,822
He tried to say no,
and I pressured him.

822
00:28:58,863 --> 00:29:00,407
- No, no, no.
You're 16, all right?

823
00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:02,409
He's a talking teddy bear.
It's his fucking fault.

824
00:29:02,450 --> 00:29:04,411
- OK, look, look, look.
I think if we all just take

825
00:29:04,452 --> 00:29:07,038
a couple of deep breaths here
and just try--

826
00:29:08,206 --> 00:29:09,332
- Fuck!

827
00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:19,426
Ted?

828
00:29:19,467 --> 00:29:21,428
Come on, where the hell are you?
I just want to talk.

829
00:29:21,469 --> 00:29:23,972
- Yeah, bullshit!

830
00:29:24,014 --> 00:29:25,348
- How the hell did
you get up there?

831
00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:26,599
- Climbed the drainpipe.

832
00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:28,768
- OK, well,
why don't you come on down here

833
00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:30,353
and we can discuss
the situation?

834
00:29:30,395 --> 00:29:32,022
- No, 'cause you're
gonna come at me.

835
00:29:32,063 --> 00:29:33,606
- I-I'm not.
I promise.

836
00:29:33,648 --> 00:29:34,816
- It wasn't my fault.

837
00:29:34,858 --> 00:29:37,527
- Oh, my God, your boy,
he's on the roof!

838
00:29:37,569 --> 00:29:38,862
- It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.

839
00:29:38,903 --> 00:29:40,530
- I'll call
the fire department!

840
00:29:40,572 --> 00:29:41,990
- That's really not necessary.

841
00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:43,825
- But your son,
he's gonna fall!

842
00:29:43,867 --> 00:29:45,493
- He's not.

843
00:29:45,535 --> 00:29:46,619
Yeah, there's a lot here

844
00:29:46,661 --> 00:29:48,329
you're not understanding,
Mrs. Fechhko.

845
00:29:48,371 --> 00:29:50,290
- For God's sake, you've
been listening to the news?

846
00:29:50,331 --> 00:29:52,500
Eisenhower says
we all gotta stay inside!

847
00:29:52,542 --> 00:29:54,461
- Oh, my God!

848
00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:57,088
[door slams]
- Ted, get down here, OK?

849
00:29:57,130 --> 00:29:58,715
I'm not gonna talk to you
like this.

850
00:29:58,757 --> 00:29:59,841
- Yeah, well, tough shit.

851
00:29:59,883 --> 00:30:01,092
I'm gonna live up here
from now on.

852
00:30:01,134 --> 00:30:02,677
- That's insane.
You're insane.

853
00:30:02,719 --> 00:30:04,095
- No, I'm not.

854
00:30:04,137 --> 00:30:06,431
I'll get Johnny to bring me
food and maybe even soil

855
00:30:06,473 --> 00:30:08,475
so I can grow crops
right here in the rain gutter.

856
00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,685
And if the weather's temperate,
by harvest season,

857
00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:11,853
I'll be able to--

858
00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,022
Fuck!

859
00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:17,692
- OK, you little shit,
you are in a lot of trouble.

860
00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:18,777
- Look, it was--

861
00:30:18,818 --> 00:30:20,153
- You gave pot
to a 16-year-old.

862
00:30:20,195 --> 00:30:21,946
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking?

863
00:30:21,988 --> 00:30:23,490
- Well, on the bright side,
he loved it.

864
00:30:23,531 --> 00:30:25,075
- I sold that pot to you.

865
00:30:25,116 --> 00:30:26,242
- Yeah, you were wrong
to do that.

866
00:30:26,284 --> 00:30:27,702
- You do realize
I am now responsible

867
00:30:27,744 --> 00:30:30,205
for introducing drugs
to my underage cousin?

868
00:30:30,246 --> 00:30:31,748
I could be
in really deep shit here.

869
00:30:31,790 --> 00:30:33,958
- Boy, it must be cool
being this tall all the time.

870
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,919
- Get rid of that weed
or so help me God,

871
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:37,212
you are going
in the fucking dryer.

872
00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:38,838
- Oh, big deal.
I've been in dryers.

873
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,006
- I'll put you in a Matty load.

874
00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:41,174
- OK, fuck.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

875
00:30:43,009 --> 00:30:45,929
[upbeat jazz music]

876
00:30:45,970 --> 00:30:49,557
* *

877
00:30:49,599 --> 00:30:51,518
OK. So we plant the weed
in my locker.

878
00:30:51,559 --> 00:30:53,436
Then you go to the principal
and rat me out.

879
00:30:53,478 --> 00:30:56,147
She searches my locker,
and boom, it's back to Plinko.

880
00:30:56,189 --> 00:30:58,108
- All right.
- Not yet, not yet.

881
00:30:58,149 --> 00:30:59,317
We gotta wait till
the bell rings.

882
00:30:59,359 --> 00:31:01,653
- Yeah, sorry.
- Just act normal.

883
00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:03,029
Right now, we're just two guys

884
00:31:03,071 --> 00:31:04,656
standing here,
having a conversation.

885
00:31:04,698 --> 00:31:05,907
- Yeah.

886
00:31:05,949 --> 00:31:07,367
About what?

887
00:31:07,409 --> 00:31:10,453
- I don't know. Uh,
what's the last movie you saw?

888
00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:12,956
- Uh, "Alive."
- Which one's that?

889
00:31:12,997 --> 00:31:15,375
- Oh, it's the one where
the rugby team crashes

890
00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:18,128
in the Andes in the '70s
and they ran out of food,

891
00:31:18,169 --> 00:31:19,254
so they had to eat each other.

892
00:31:19,295 --> 00:31:21,798
- You're kidding.
- No, it's a true story.

893
00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:24,426
- Like--like, eat each other
alive like they're trading?

894
00:31:24,467 --> 00:31:26,469
Like, you give me your hand,
I give you my foot?

895
00:31:26,511 --> 00:31:27,721
- No, no.

896
00:31:27,762 --> 00:31:29,264
It's like some of the guys
died in the crash,

897
00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,057
and then the ones that survived
had to eat the dead guys.

898
00:31:31,099 --> 00:31:34,102
- Oh, man.
Yeah, I--I couldn't do that.

899
00:31:34,144 --> 00:31:36,062
- Me neither, man.

900
00:31:36,104 --> 00:31:37,897
Plus, it's all dudes,
so it's even worse.

901
00:31:37,939 --> 00:31:39,816
- Yeah--what?

902
00:31:39,858 --> 00:31:41,192
- It's all dudes, you know?

903
00:31:41,234 --> 00:31:43,570
You're eating guys.
It's like double gross.

904
00:31:43,611 --> 00:31:45,071
- Well, I mean--I mean,

905
00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:47,824
I would think it would be
objectionable across the board.

906
00:31:47,866 --> 00:31:51,411
- No, no. Yeah, it would.
It's just like a hat on a hat.

907
00:31:51,453 --> 00:31:53,663
- So if you were
on a plane that crashed

908
00:31:53,705 --> 00:31:56,499
and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton
were on it too,

909
00:31:56,541 --> 00:31:58,251
and they died
and you survived,

910
00:31:58,293 --> 00:31:59,544
who would you eat first?

911
00:31:59,586 --> 00:32:01,212
- Am I the only other person
on the plane?

912
00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:02,464
- Yeah.
- What about the pilots?

913
00:32:02,505 --> 00:32:04,257
- It's an experimental
aircraft, all automated.

914
00:32:04,299 --> 00:32:05,633
- Well, maybe that's why
it went down.

915
00:32:05,675 --> 00:32:07,385
- But the technology
still needed more study, yes,

916
00:32:07,427 --> 00:32:08,845
but the Pentagon was
getting impatient

917
00:32:08,887 --> 00:32:10,847
and they wanted results,
so they pushed up the launch.

918
00:32:10,889 --> 00:32:12,682
- Wait, why wouldn't they have
a seasoned flight crew on board

919
00:32:12,724 --> 00:32:13,808
instead of two actors?

920
00:32:13,850 --> 00:32:15,268
- Oscar-winningactors.

921
00:32:15,310 --> 00:32:17,062
- Fair enough.
- These are taxpayer dollars.

922
00:32:17,103 --> 00:32:18,146
They need the public's interest

923
00:32:18,188 --> 00:32:19,647
or support for the funding
dries up.

924
00:32:19,689 --> 00:32:21,733
- Wait, since when does the
military need public support

925
00:32:21,775 --> 00:32:23,276
to fund experimental aircraft?

926
00:32:23,318 --> 00:32:25,111
- Would you eat Tom Hanks
or Diane Keaton?

927
00:32:25,153 --> 00:32:26,279
- I'd start with Diane

928
00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:27,197
and then if
I didn't get rescued,

929
00:32:27,238 --> 00:32:28,406
I'd move on to Tom.

930
00:32:28,448 --> 00:32:29,574
- Yeah, see?

931
00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:30,784
I think it's weird
that you have an opinion

932
00:32:30,825 --> 00:32:31,785
one way or the other.

933
00:32:31,826 --> 00:32:33,411
[bell ringing]

934
00:32:33,453 --> 00:32:35,038
OK. Here we go.
Let me have it.

935
00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:41,169
- Man, we really put a dent
in this thing, didn't we?

936
00:32:41,211 --> 00:32:43,171
- Whoa.
What have we got here?

937
00:32:43,213 --> 00:32:44,255
- Oh, shit.

938
00:32:44,297 --> 00:32:45,799
- Bennett, you partake?

939
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:46,800
- Give it back, Clive.

940
00:32:46,841 --> 00:32:48,468
- John Bennett gets high.

941
00:32:48,510 --> 00:32:50,679
Maybe you're not as much
of a pussy as I thought.

942
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,347
- That is a very important
bag of weed.

943
00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:53,848
- Now, I know where
to get a free buzz.

944
00:32:53,890 --> 00:32:54,974
Thanks, Bud.

945
00:32:55,016 --> 00:32:56,184
[locker crashes loudly]

946
00:32:56,226 --> 00:32:57,644
[bullies laugh]
- God damn it, Clive.

947
00:32:57,686 --> 00:32:58,895
We need that weed!

948
00:32:58,937 --> 00:33:01,022
[Ted yells]

949
00:33:01,064 --> 00:33:02,148
- Teddy!

950
00:33:02,190 --> 00:33:04,067
- Shit.
- Teddy, are you OK?

951
00:33:04,109 --> 00:33:05,443
[Ted groans]

952
00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:07,153
- What the hell are you two
doing out here?

953
00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,322
Get to class now.

954
00:33:09,364 --> 00:33:13,326
- Um, "227" sucks balls
and so do you.

955
00:33:15,412 --> 00:33:17,163
OK, now, you know
I didn't mean that.

956
00:33:17,205 --> 00:33:19,165
I just needed a reason
to be dragged in here.

957
00:33:19,207 --> 00:33:21,334
- Look, you can trash-talk me,
Ted,

958
00:33:21,376 --> 00:33:23,795
but nobody throws shade
at Pearl Shay.

959
00:33:23,837 --> 00:33:25,213
- Yes.
I apologize.

960
00:33:25,255 --> 00:33:27,298
We have all benefited
from her windowsill wisdom.

961
00:33:27,340 --> 00:33:28,633
She is a national treasure.

962
00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,885
But listen, you gotta
kick me out of school.

963
00:33:30,927 --> 00:33:32,554
- Ted, I already told you.

964
00:33:32,595 --> 00:33:33,847
- I have weed.

965
00:33:33,888 --> 00:33:35,098
- What?

966
00:33:35,140 --> 00:33:36,099
- I am in possession
of marijuana

967
00:33:36,141 --> 00:33:37,600
here on school premises.

968
00:33:37,642 --> 00:33:39,185
- May I see it?

969
00:33:39,227 --> 00:33:41,855
- Well, I--I lost it.

970
00:33:41,896 --> 00:33:43,064
- You lost it?

971
00:33:43,106 --> 00:33:44,858
- Yeah, but--but
he had weed, all right?

972
00:33:44,899 --> 00:33:46,026
I'm a witness.

973
00:33:46,067 --> 00:33:47,444
- I would need
to see the marijuana

974
00:33:47,485 --> 00:33:49,154
for there to be consequences.

975
00:33:49,195 --> 00:33:50,530
- Look, we are
telling you the truth.

976
00:33:50,572 --> 00:33:52,490
- Yeah, I'm a bad seed.
See? Look.

977
00:33:52,532 --> 00:33:53,575
[squeaky voice]
I love you.

978
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:54,576
Drugs!

979
00:33:54,617 --> 00:33:55,618
I love drugs.

980
00:33:55,660 --> 00:33:56,911
- I'm sorry, boys.

981
00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,872
I can't just take your word
that you have pot.

982
00:33:58,913 --> 00:34:01,249
- Ah, this is bullshit, man.
I'm getting railroaded.

983
00:34:01,291 --> 00:34:02,876
- All right, look,
Clive has it, all right?

984
00:34:02,917 --> 00:34:04,169
Go check.
- Clive?

985
00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:05,670
- Yeah.

986
00:34:05,712 --> 00:34:07,589
- Well then, if Clive has it,
he's the one in trouble.

987
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:10,133
- No, no. It's not his weed.
He was just holding it for me.

988
00:34:10,175 --> 00:34:11,926
- OK.
We're done here.

989
00:34:11,968 --> 00:34:13,303
- All right.
It's OK.

990
00:34:13,345 --> 00:34:15,889
This motherfucking bear's
got a backup plan.

991
00:34:15,930 --> 00:34:18,892
[mellow jazz music]

992
00:34:18,933 --> 00:34:22,729
* *

993
00:34:22,771 --> 00:34:23,855
All right, it's clear.

994
00:34:25,357 --> 00:34:27,442
- Teddy, I don't like this.
It's stealing.

995
00:34:27,484 --> 00:34:29,402
- What am I supposed to do?
Just ask her for it?

996
00:34:29,444 --> 00:34:31,488
She'll shove me in the dryer
with Matty's clothes.

997
00:34:31,529 --> 00:34:32,655
- Well, how bad could that be?

998
00:34:32,697 --> 00:34:35,241
- Matty changed his pants
during dinner.

999
00:34:35,283 --> 00:34:36,409
- Yeah, that's bad.

1000
00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,786
- All right, let's find it.

1001
00:34:42,957 --> 00:34:44,668
- Jesus.
- What?

1002
00:34:44,709 --> 00:34:47,587
- There's a whole drawer here
that's just cans of tuna.

1003
00:34:47,629 --> 00:34:48,588
- How sad.

1004
00:34:50,256 --> 00:34:51,341
Wait.
Wait.

1005
00:34:51,383 --> 00:34:52,634
Oh, fuck yeah.

1006
00:34:52,676 --> 00:34:55,095
- You found it?
- Jackpot.

1007
00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:56,262
- Great.
Let's go.

1008
00:34:56,721 --> 00:34:59,391
[approaching
indistinct chatter]

1009
00:34:59,432 --> 00:35:00,684
Fuck.
- Shit.

1010
00:35:00,725 --> 00:35:02,018
- Let's go in here.

1011
00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:04,938
[approaching
indistinct chatter]

1012
00:35:04,979 --> 00:35:06,773
- All the way over and dances.

1013
00:35:06,815 --> 00:35:08,024
- Hang on a sec.

1014
00:35:08,066 --> 00:35:09,442
I think I have a pack
around here somewhere.

1015
00:35:09,484 --> 00:35:11,444
- Oh, thank you so much.

1016
00:35:11,486 --> 00:35:14,072
The CVS only had
the men's razors,

1017
00:35:14,114 --> 00:35:17,534
and I think those
are only for faces.

1018
00:35:17,575 --> 00:35:19,452
- There you go.
- Thank you.

1019
00:35:19,494 --> 00:35:20,870
- You know, it's the '90s,
Aunt Suze.

1020
00:35:20,912 --> 00:35:23,206
You can go without shaving
your legs if you want.

1021
00:35:23,248 --> 00:35:27,002
- Oh.
[laughs]

1022
00:35:27,043 --> 00:35:28,378
When I was in high school,

1023
00:35:28,420 --> 00:35:31,172
I used to forget sometimes
and I'd get made fun of.

1024
00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:33,091
- Oh, really?
I hate that.

1025
00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:35,802
- It's probably why
I'm so self-conscious about it.

1026
00:35:35,844 --> 00:35:38,388
[sighs]

1027
00:35:38,430 --> 00:35:41,057
Can I ask you something?

1028
00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:43,518
- Yeah, sure.
Anything.

1029
00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,520
- One of the girls who
used to make fun of me,

1030
00:35:45,562 --> 00:35:48,273
her name was Margie Cronin.

1031
00:35:48,314 --> 00:35:51,151
She used to call me Sasquatch.

1032
00:35:51,192 --> 00:35:53,820
She was so mean to me
in school,

1033
00:35:53,862 --> 00:35:57,615
and afterward, we didn't see
each other for a long time.

1034
00:35:57,657 --> 00:35:59,617
And then about a year ago,

1035
00:35:59,659 --> 00:36:02,662
I saw in the flatware
department at Bradley's.

1036
00:36:02,704 --> 00:36:05,915
And I saw that
she'd lost a hand.

1037
00:36:05,957 --> 00:36:09,794
And I was so happy about it.

1038
00:36:09,836 --> 00:36:12,213
Does it make me
a terrible person?

1039
00:36:12,255 --> 00:36:15,300
- I don't--I don't think so.

1040
00:36:15,342 --> 00:36:17,886
- Because I felt so awful
about my feelings.

1041
00:36:17,927 --> 00:36:20,680
And I went to confession
and Father O'Neill said,

1042
00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:23,975
"Well, God wouldn't approve
of that."

1043
00:36:24,017 --> 00:36:27,228
Maybe this Christmas
I should make her a mitten.

1044
00:36:27,270 --> 00:36:28,855
- Uh, maybe.

1045
00:36:28,897 --> 00:36:30,607
- With a pretty,
little card that says,

1046
00:36:30,648 --> 00:36:32,525
"I'm sorry for your hand."

1047
00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:34,819
- I would just
let that one lie.

1048
00:36:34,861 --> 00:36:37,280
[skittering]

1049
00:36:37,322 --> 00:36:38,990
[both yell briefly]

1050
00:36:39,032 --> 00:36:40,700
- What was that noise?

1051
00:36:40,742 --> 00:36:42,410
- I think someone's
in the closet.

1052
00:36:44,579 --> 00:36:45,997
- W-w-what's that?
- It's Mace.

1053
00:36:46,039 --> 00:36:47,374
Just be careful.

1054
00:36:50,543 --> 00:36:53,672
[all screaming]

1055
00:36:53,713 --> 00:36:55,298
both: Fuck!
- What the fuck?

1056
00:36:55,340 --> 00:36:56,549
- Oh, it burns!

1057
00:36:56,591 --> 00:36:58,218
- Why the fuck
do you have Mace?

1058
00:36:58,259 --> 00:36:59,719
- Why the fuck are you
in my closet?

1059
00:36:59,761 --> 00:37:01,554
- What, do you protect
your tuna collection with that?

1060
00:37:01,596 --> 00:37:02,639
- Answer the question.

1061
00:37:02,681 --> 00:37:04,557
- Why do you have
the fucking tuna?

1062
00:37:04,599 --> 00:37:06,601
Are you scared to eat our food?
What is it?

1063
00:37:06,643 --> 00:37:07,977
- Answer my question.

1064
00:37:08,019 --> 00:37:10,063
[Ted screaming]
- Teddy! Teddy, where are you?

1065
00:37:10,105 --> 00:37:11,064
- Oh, my God.

1066
00:37:11,106 --> 00:37:13,233
Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?

1067
00:37:13,274 --> 00:37:14,526
- Oh, shit.

1068
00:37:14,567 --> 00:37:16,152
- What are you
doing with drugs?

1069
00:37:16,194 --> 00:37:17,237
- Aunt Suze.

1070
00:37:17,278 --> 00:37:19,197
[Johnny and Ted screaming]

1071
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:20,949
This is my fault.

1072
00:37:20,990 --> 00:37:22,784
[Johnny wailing]

1073
00:37:23,576 --> 00:37:25,495
- We opened our home to you.

1074
00:37:25,537 --> 00:37:27,747
We let you stay here
in our house

1075
00:37:27,789 --> 00:37:29,249
so you could go
to that goddamn school.

1076
00:37:29,290 --> 00:37:32,502
- I know, Uncle Matty.
And believe me, I am so sorry.

1077
00:37:32,544 --> 00:37:35,088
- And you pay us back
by dealing drugs to our son?

1078
00:37:35,130 --> 00:37:37,549
- I never wanted John to
get involved, I promise you.

1079
00:37:37,590 --> 00:37:38,758
I sold the pot to Ted.

1080
00:37:38,800 --> 00:37:40,427
- I never should have
let Johnny try it.

1081
00:37:40,468 --> 00:37:42,595
I have failed in my role
as a--a--

1082
00:37:42,637 --> 00:37:44,889
a sort of
Jiminy Cricket figure.

1083
00:37:44,931 --> 00:37:46,349
- I don't know what
the big deal is.

1084
00:37:46,391 --> 00:37:48,309
You know, weed's gonna be legal
in like a year anyway.

1085
00:37:48,351 --> 00:37:51,604
- It's a gateway drug!
They talk about it on the news!

1086
00:37:51,646 --> 00:37:52,856
- Well, what are
we supposed to do?

1087
00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:54,315
Start with heroin?

1088
00:37:54,357 --> 00:37:58,111
- Well, why in God's name
are you dealing drugs at all?

1089
00:37:58,153 --> 00:38:01,573
- My friend, Sarah and I,
we grow it in her apartment,

1090
00:38:01,614 --> 00:38:04,868
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

1091
00:38:04,909 --> 00:38:06,453
- Well, you--you can't work
at McDonald's?

1092
00:38:06,494 --> 00:38:07,954
- It's 15k a year, Matty.

1093
00:38:07,996 --> 00:38:09,914
I'd have to sell myself
at McDonald's.

1094
00:38:09,956 --> 00:38:11,875
- Oh, you could call it
Filet-O-Flesh.

1095
00:38:11,916 --> 00:38:13,001
Is that something?

1096
00:38:13,043 --> 00:38:14,336
- She won't even work,
and here we are

1097
00:38:14,377 --> 00:38:15,587
putting her up out
of the goodness of our hearts!

1098
00:38:15,628 --> 00:38:17,047
- Egg McFuckin', maybe?

1099
00:38:17,088 --> 00:38:18,965
- The goodness of your hearts
and a monthly rent check.

1100
00:38:19,007 --> 00:38:20,425
- A Quarter To Pound Her?

1101
00:38:20,467 --> 00:38:22,135
I--should I stop? I feel like
there's no traction here.

1102
00:38:22,177 --> 00:38:23,553
- Matty?

1103
00:38:23,595 --> 00:38:25,221
You're charging her rent?

1104
00:38:25,263 --> 00:38:26,639
- Yes, I am.

1105
00:38:26,681 --> 00:38:29,059
This is my house.
I got the right to charge rent.

1106
00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:30,643
- But, Matty, she's family.

1107
00:38:30,685 --> 00:38:32,103
- Susan.
- She's our niece.

1108
00:38:32,145 --> 00:38:33,855
- Susan, will you be quiet
and let me handle this?

1109
00:38:33,897 --> 00:38:35,815
- Hey, don't talk to her
like that.

1110
00:38:35,857 --> 00:38:37,067
- Excuse me?

1111
00:38:37,108 --> 00:38:38,193
- You do this all the time.

1112
00:38:38,234 --> 00:38:39,861
You silence her voice,
you belittle her,

1113
00:38:39,903 --> 00:38:42,447
you cut her down,
you treat her like shit.

1114
00:38:42,489 --> 00:38:43,698
- I do not.

1115
00:38:43,740 --> 00:38:46,159
I love my fucking wife,
and she knows it.

1116
00:38:46,201 --> 00:38:47,410
Don't you, Susan?

1117
00:38:47,452 --> 00:38:49,579
- I can't believe
you'd make her pay rent.

1118
00:38:49,621 --> 00:38:51,831
- Hey, hey, hey, I'm not
the one in the hot seat here.

1119
00:38:51,873 --> 00:38:54,501
She's a drug dealer, and I want
her out of this house tonight.

1120
00:38:54,542 --> 00:38:55,669
- Matty, please.

1121
00:38:55,710 --> 00:38:58,380
- End of discussion!
Tonight!

1122
00:38:58,421 --> 00:39:00,382
- Come on.
Wait.

1123
00:39:05,470 --> 00:39:09,099
Christie! That was
the Black Barbie's name.

1124
00:39:15,563 --> 00:39:18,483
[downbeat jazz music]

1125
00:39:18,525 --> 00:39:25,657
* *

1126
00:39:30,161 --> 00:39:33,832
- Hey, Blaire, uh,
can we talk to you for a sec?

1127
00:39:33,873 --> 00:39:35,083
- Sure.

1128
00:39:35,125 --> 00:39:37,544
Got a couple minutes
before I become homeless.

1129
00:39:37,585 --> 00:39:41,339
- Hey, listen, Blaire.
Uh, I'm really sorry.

1130
00:39:41,381 --> 00:39:42,716
- Me too.

1131
00:39:42,757 --> 00:39:45,427
- Yeah, well,
it's a little late for that.

1132
00:39:45,468 --> 00:39:47,512
- We didn't want you
to have to leave.

1133
00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,181
Even if your bed is the size
of a pool table.

1134
00:39:50,223 --> 00:39:51,141
I mean, that's probably about

1135
00:39:51,182 --> 00:39:52,142
the size of a pool table,
right?

1136
00:39:52,183 --> 00:39:54,310
- Shut the fuck up, Teddy.

1137
00:39:54,352 --> 00:39:56,604
Look, we know you're mad
because Dad gave you the boot.

1138
00:39:56,646 --> 00:39:58,898
But--
- Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.

1139
00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:02,235
You have no idea why I'm mad.

1140
00:40:02,277 --> 00:40:05,530
Do you know all the details
of why I've been living here

1141
00:40:05,572 --> 00:40:08,450
when my own family
lives 45 minutes away?

1142
00:40:08,491 --> 00:40:09,993
I could easily
commute to school,

1143
00:40:10,035 --> 00:40:14,581
but my family is fucked,
every one of them.

1144
00:40:14,622 --> 00:40:17,667
In case you don't get
the scope of things,

1145
00:40:17,709 --> 00:40:21,129
my dad, your Uncle Bernie,
is a drunk and an asshole,

1146
00:40:21,171 --> 00:40:24,632
my mom's a psycho lunatic,
and my brother's in prison.

1147
00:40:24,674 --> 00:40:26,468
- Jesus.
What about your dog?

1148
00:40:26,509 --> 00:40:27,469
- Dead.

1149
00:40:27,510 --> 00:40:28,762
- Fuck.

1150
00:40:28,803 --> 00:40:30,764
- Mom and Dad are lost causes,
but...

1151
00:40:30,805 --> 00:40:34,267
I tried so hard
to protect Kevin.

1152
00:40:34,309 --> 00:40:36,102
And I couldn't.

1153
00:40:36,144 --> 00:40:38,646
He's his parents' son,
so now he's serving ten years

1154
00:40:38,688 --> 00:40:40,690
for robbing a Mrs. Fields
at gunpoint

1155
00:40:40,732 --> 00:40:42,108
andpossession of crack.

1156
00:40:42,150 --> 00:40:44,152
- Well, I mean,
Mrs. Fields and crack.

1157
00:40:44,194 --> 00:40:45,612
It's like
what's the difference, right?

1158
00:40:45,653 --> 00:40:47,155
[Ted chuckles awkwardly]

1159
00:40:47,197 --> 00:40:48,365
Please, continue.

1160
00:40:48,406 --> 00:40:50,033
- Look, I just--

1161
00:40:50,075 --> 00:40:52,660
I don't want the same thing
to happen to you.

1162
00:40:52,702 --> 00:40:54,788
And when I moved here,
I told myself

1163
00:40:54,829 --> 00:40:56,915
that I was gonna look after you

1164
00:40:56,956 --> 00:40:59,125
and make sure
the fucked up Bennett DNA

1165
00:40:59,167 --> 00:41:00,710
didn't get to you too.

1166
00:41:00,752 --> 00:41:02,921
And instead,
I introduced you

1167
00:41:02,962 --> 00:41:05,715
to the wonderful world
of drugs.

1168
00:41:05,757 --> 00:41:10,762
I'm not mad at you, all right?
I'm mad at myself.

1169
00:41:10,804 --> 00:41:13,139
- Look, Blaire, I--

1170
00:41:13,181 --> 00:41:16,601
I never expected you
to look out for me like that.

1171
00:41:16,643 --> 00:41:21,356
- Just take care of yourself,
all right?

1172
00:41:21,398 --> 00:41:23,358
Our family is poison.

1173
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,152
Do better than them.

1174
00:41:26,194 --> 00:41:28,488
- Where you gonna go?

1175
00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:30,615
- Stay with Sarah
for a few weeks.

1176
00:41:30,657 --> 00:41:32,534
There's an open spot
near the sativa.

1177
00:41:32,575 --> 00:41:36,788
But after that, I don't know.

1178
00:41:39,207 --> 00:41:40,709
See you.

1179
00:41:45,547 --> 00:41:48,717
[fading footsteps]

1180
00:41:50,301 --> 00:41:52,804
- God, Lori Loughlin's
fucking gorgeous.

1181
00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:54,597
That woman can do no wrong.

1182
00:41:54,639 --> 00:41:56,016
- Hey, don't start jerking off.

1183
00:41:56,057 --> 00:41:57,767
- Hey, that poster
is not for jerking off.

1184
00:41:57,809 --> 00:42:00,186
It's for imagining
being married, you sick fuck.

1185
00:42:00,228 --> 00:42:01,229
- Wow.
- Yeah!

1186
00:42:01,271 --> 00:42:03,064
- You--you've imagined
the wedding?

1187
00:42:03,106 --> 00:42:04,357
- Well, yeah.

1188
00:42:04,399 --> 00:42:06,109
The cover of "People"
magazine's a photo of us,

1189
00:42:06,151 --> 00:42:08,236
and it says,
"Who's Loughlin now?"

1190
00:42:08,278 --> 00:42:10,155
- So you took her name?

1191
00:42:10,196 --> 00:42:12,240
- No, no.
But they need to sell copies.

1192
00:42:12,282 --> 00:42:14,659
- Well, it's good to know
you can be both erect

1193
00:42:14,701 --> 00:42:16,286
and market-savvy.

1194
00:42:16,327 --> 00:42:18,538
- [sighs] Teddy,
this whole Blaire situation

1195
00:42:18,580 --> 00:42:19,706
is really shitty.

1196
00:42:19,748 --> 00:42:21,332
- [sighs]
Yeah, I know.

1197
00:42:21,374 --> 00:42:23,710
- I mean, I never knew
she thought of me that way.

1198
00:42:23,752 --> 00:42:25,587
It's like a little brother.

1199
00:42:25,628 --> 00:42:27,047
I always wanted a brother
or a sister,

1200
00:42:27,088 --> 00:42:30,592
and there she was,
right there all along.

1201
00:42:30,633 --> 00:42:31,968
- Yeah.

1202
00:42:32,010 --> 00:42:34,137
I guess under all that
complaining about racism,

1203
00:42:34,179 --> 00:42:36,473
there's actually a good person
in there.

1204
00:42:36,514 --> 00:42:40,060
- Teddy, we gotta do something.
I mean, this is our fault.

1205
00:42:40,101 --> 00:42:43,063
Like, maybe I can talk to Dad,
get him to change his mind.

1206
00:42:43,104 --> 00:42:44,898
- Yeah, good luck.
He's never gonna listen.

1207
00:42:44,939 --> 00:42:45,940
- I mean,
we can't just lay here

1208
00:42:45,982 --> 00:42:47,692
and let her get fucked over.

1209
00:42:47,734 --> 00:42:49,611
There's gotta be something
we can do.

1210
00:42:49,652 --> 00:42:51,488
- Wait a minute.
You know what?

1211
00:42:51,529 --> 00:42:52,864
There is.

1212
00:42:52,906 --> 00:42:56,826
We are gonna open the box.

1213
00:42:56,868 --> 00:43:00,705
[upbeat jazz music]

1214
00:43:00,747 --> 00:43:03,917
[phone ringing]

1215
00:43:03,958 --> 00:43:06,169
- There you go.
I'll be right outside.

1216
00:43:06,211 --> 00:43:07,379
Just let me know when
you're finished.

1217
00:43:07,420 --> 00:43:08,797
- Thank you.
- Thanks.

1218
00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:12,842
- Did you know that

1219
00:43:12,884 --> 00:43:15,887
textile polymers are so thin
nowadays that someone could be

1220
00:43:15,929 --> 00:43:19,641
wearing an adult diaper
and no one would even know it?

1221
00:43:19,683 --> 00:43:20,725
- What?

1222
00:43:20,767 --> 00:43:21,851
- No bulky padding,

1223
00:43:21,893 --> 00:43:24,062
no unsightly bulges
in the trousers.

1224
00:43:24,104 --> 00:43:26,231
- I--I didn't know that.
No.

1225
00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:27,357
- It's amazing.

1226
00:43:27,399 --> 00:43:29,859
A person, anyone could
be talking to you

1227
00:43:29,901 --> 00:43:33,071
and relieving themselves
at the same time.

1228
00:43:33,113 --> 00:43:35,740
And you'd never even know it.
[sighs softly]

1229
00:43:35,782 --> 00:43:36,783
- OK.

1230
00:43:36,825 --> 00:43:38,993
- And that's great news.

1231
00:43:39,035 --> 00:43:40,662
- Are you wearing a diaper?

1232
00:43:40,704 --> 00:43:42,539
- No.
Don't make this weird.

1233
00:43:42,580 --> 00:43:43,581
- OK.

1234
00:43:43,623 --> 00:43:44,624
- I'm just saying

1235
00:43:44,666 --> 00:43:46,084
the technology has come so far

1236
00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:48,336
that limits
practically don't exist.

1237
00:43:48,378 --> 00:43:49,963
It's all about confidence.

1238
00:43:50,005 --> 00:43:51,965
So take that long car ride,

1239
00:43:52,007 --> 00:43:55,301
climb that mountain,
have that iced tea refill.

1240
00:43:55,343 --> 00:43:57,012
- We--we will.

1241
00:44:00,390 --> 00:44:03,351
- What limits?

1242
00:44:04,602 --> 00:44:05,895
- Jesus, we gotta switch banks.

1243
00:44:05,937 --> 00:44:07,355
- Yeah, seriously.

1244
00:44:13,611 --> 00:44:14,738
Here it is.

1245
00:44:14,779 --> 00:44:16,031
- Yep.

1246
00:44:16,072 --> 00:44:17,866
- You're sure you wanna
do this, right?

1247
00:44:17,907 --> 00:44:19,284
I mean, once Dad
finds out you have it,

1248
00:44:19,325 --> 00:44:21,327
there's no going back,
like ever.

1249
00:44:21,369 --> 00:44:22,579
He's gonna go nuts.

1250
00:44:22,620 --> 00:44:23,747
- That's why I never told him.

1251
00:44:23,788 --> 00:44:25,165
I guess deep down,

1252
00:44:25,206 --> 00:44:27,334
I was saving it
for a day like this

1253
00:44:27,375 --> 00:44:30,503
when the chips were down
and all hope seemed lost.

1254
00:44:30,545 --> 00:44:32,088
- OK.

1255
00:44:32,130 --> 00:44:34,007
Good.
Let's do it.

1256
00:44:34,049 --> 00:44:36,593
- All right, we're done!

1257
00:44:36,634 --> 00:44:38,011
Sir?

1258
00:44:38,053 --> 00:44:40,722
[keys jingling]
- I need you to open box 1080.

1259
00:44:40,764 --> 00:44:42,057
There's a pair of jeans
in there!

1260
00:44:42,098 --> 00:44:43,892
- What?
- Just do it!

1261
00:44:43,933 --> 00:44:47,062
[insects droning]

1262
00:44:49,939 --> 00:44:51,358
- What, you're just--
you're just not gonna--

1263
00:44:51,399 --> 00:44:53,818
not gonna talk to me
for the rest of your life, huh?

1264
00:44:53,860 --> 00:44:55,737
Is that it?

1265
00:44:55,779 --> 00:44:58,948
Well, you'd--
you've--you've taken

1266
00:44:58,990 --> 00:45:04,037
a--taken a vow of silence,
like a--like a monk, huh?

1267
00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:05,955
You're gonna--you're
gonna shave your head too?

1268
00:45:05,997 --> 00:45:07,957
'Cause, well, go ahead.

1269
00:45:07,999 --> 00:45:09,209
Go ahead, then you won't--
then you won't--

1270
00:45:09,250 --> 00:45:11,419
then you won't
clog the shower drain.

1271
00:45:15,423 --> 00:45:16,549
What do you guys want?

1272
00:45:16,591 --> 00:45:17,884
- I want to cut a deal.

1273
00:45:17,926 --> 00:45:20,220
- What?
What are you talking about?

1274
00:45:20,261 --> 00:45:21,805
- Let me tell you a story,
Matty.

1275
00:45:21,846 --> 00:45:23,223
Back when I was in Hollywood,

1276
00:45:23,264 --> 00:45:26,893
I almost made a movie
with Sly Stallone.

1277
00:45:26,935 --> 00:45:28,687
- Bullshit.
- No bullshit.

1278
00:45:28,728 --> 00:45:30,271
- "Rocky" Stallone?
- Yep.

1279
00:45:30,313 --> 00:45:32,357
He came to me with a project
and I said yes.

1280
00:45:32,399 --> 00:45:34,526
It was gonna be about
this astronaut cop

1281
00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:36,277
and this wisecracking bear.

1282
00:45:36,319 --> 00:45:37,529
I was the bear.

1283
00:45:37,570 --> 00:45:39,739
And they gotta go to space
to save Christmas,

1284
00:45:39,781 --> 00:45:41,116
but then the
"Challenger" exploded,

1285
00:45:41,157 --> 00:45:42,784
so they had to
scrap the project.

1286
00:45:42,826 --> 00:45:44,661
- Oh, man, what a bummer.

1287
00:45:44,703 --> 00:45:46,037
- I know, right?

1288
00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:47,163
I mean, that's when
America could have used

1289
00:45:47,205 --> 00:45:48,915
a movie like that the most!

1290
00:45:48,957 --> 00:45:51,334
Anyway, Stallone felt
really bad about it,

1291
00:45:51,376 --> 00:45:53,878
so he gave me this.

1292
00:46:02,762 --> 00:46:03,763
- What is it?

1293
00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:06,641
- Rocky's mouth guard.

1294
00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:08,351
- Fuck you.
You're kidding.

1295
00:46:08,393 --> 00:46:09,894
- Nope.
- You're shitting me.

1296
00:46:09,936 --> 00:46:11,104
- No shit.

1297
00:46:11,146 --> 00:46:13,273
- Wait.
Does that mean--

1298
00:46:13,314 --> 00:46:15,442
- Yes, the one at
Planet Hollywood is a fake.

1299
00:46:15,483 --> 00:46:17,777
- Holy--

1300
00:46:17,819 --> 00:46:19,988
holy shit!

1301
00:46:20,030 --> 00:46:21,531
Holy fucking shit!

1302
00:46:21,573 --> 00:46:23,992
- Now, I will give you
this priceless item...

1303
00:46:24,034 --> 00:46:25,243
[Matty gasps]

1304
00:46:25,285 --> 00:46:28,997
If you give Blaire
another chance.

1305
00:46:29,039 --> 00:46:31,833
- Huh?
- Just let her stay.

1306
00:46:31,875 --> 00:46:34,627
- Oh.

1307
00:46:34,669 --> 00:46:35,795
I don't know.

1308
00:46:35,837 --> 00:46:39,632
- Hey, why don't you put it on?

1309
00:46:39,674 --> 00:46:41,134
Go on.

1310
00:46:41,176 --> 00:46:44,679
That was in Sylvester
Stallone's mouth in 1976.

1311
00:46:44,721 --> 00:46:47,015
See how it feels in yours.

1312
00:46:54,356 --> 00:46:55,648
- Mmm.

1313
00:46:55,690 --> 00:46:57,734
[inhales deeply]

1314
00:46:57,776 --> 00:47:00,612
Oh.

1315
00:47:00,653 --> 00:47:02,030
Oh, wow.

1316
00:47:03,823 --> 00:47:06,159
I feel him.

1317
00:47:06,201 --> 00:47:08,328
I--I--I feel him in my mouth.

1318
00:47:08,370 --> 00:47:10,288
- You gotta go the distance,
Matty.

1319
00:47:10,330 --> 00:47:11,956
Rocky would never have given up

1320
00:47:11,998 --> 00:47:13,375
on his brother's wife's
daughter.

1321
00:47:13,416 --> 00:47:15,126
And neither should you.
- No.

1322
00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:16,211
- What do you say?

1323
00:47:16,252 --> 00:47:20,548
[Matty panting softly]

1324
00:47:22,342 --> 00:47:24,678
- OK.
- OK, what?

1325
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:25,887
- She can stay.

1326
00:47:25,929 --> 00:47:28,515
- Oh, Matty, you mean it?

1327
00:47:28,556 --> 00:47:29,766
- Yeah, fuck it.

1328
00:47:29,808 --> 00:47:30,767
- Oh!
[smooches]

1329
00:47:30,809 --> 00:47:33,019
Oh, honey, and no rent?

1330
00:47:33,061 --> 00:47:34,145
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right?

1331
00:47:34,187 --> 00:47:37,065
- Fine, fine.
- Thank you so much.

1332
00:47:37,107 --> 00:47:39,025
[Matty sighs]

1333
00:47:39,067 --> 00:47:42,737
- I'm gonna sleep in it.

1334
00:47:42,779 --> 00:47:44,698
- Nice job, Teddy.

1335
00:47:44,739 --> 00:47:47,117
We did it.
- Yeah, we did.

1336
00:47:47,158 --> 00:47:48,034
- You know,
I think you and Stallone

1337
00:47:48,076 --> 00:47:49,411
could still make that movie.

1338
00:47:49,452 --> 00:47:52,080
- Oh, God. No way.
It was total fucking garbage.

1339
00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:54,374
I don't wanna sound crazy,
but I honestly think

1340
00:47:54,416 --> 00:47:56,209
Paramount blew up
the space shuttle

1341
00:47:56,251 --> 00:47:57,669
so they wouldn't have
to make that movie.

1342
00:47:57,711 --> 00:47:59,087
- Jesus, that bad, huh?

1343
00:47:59,129 --> 00:48:02,298
- It was that bad, yeah.
- Shit.

1344
00:48:02,340 --> 00:48:05,468
[peaceful jazz music]

1345
00:48:05,510 --> 00:48:07,220
* *

1346
00:48:07,262 --> 00:48:09,389
- I don't know
how to thank you guys.

1347
00:48:09,431 --> 00:48:13,518
I mean, never in a million years
did I expect this.

1348
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:15,645
You know,
I was starting to think

1349
00:48:15,687 --> 00:48:18,106
it was impossible for any of us
to break the curse

1350
00:48:18,148 --> 00:48:21,317
of the Bennett blood,
but what you did,

1351
00:48:21,359 --> 00:48:24,446
it gives me a lot of hope.

1352
00:48:24,487 --> 00:48:25,739
Thank you.

1353
00:48:25,780 --> 00:48:27,365
- Ah, we were just trying
to make things right.

1354
00:48:27,407 --> 00:48:30,618
- No, no, no, no.
I--I mean it, though.

1355
00:48:30,660 --> 00:48:33,079
You're not like
the rest of the family.

1356
00:48:33,121 --> 00:48:35,123
You've got a shot.

1357
00:48:35,165 --> 00:48:38,001
I think of my dad,
drunk on his ratty couch,

1358
00:48:38,043 --> 00:48:40,086
watching "Flash Gordon"
or some shit,

1359
00:48:40,128 --> 00:48:43,381
but that's not gonna be you.

1360
00:48:43,423 --> 00:48:45,967
You--you're gonna do
something with your life.

1361
00:48:46,009 --> 00:48:48,595
You're gonna be somebody.

1362
00:48:48,636 --> 00:48:49,637
- Thanks, Blaire.

1363
00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:57,103
- Just promise me this.

1364
00:48:57,145 --> 00:48:59,397
No more drugs.
Yeah?

1365
00:48:59,439 --> 00:49:00,523
- No more drugs.

1366
00:49:00,565 --> 00:49:01,733
- No more drugs.

1367
00:49:05,653 --> 00:49:06,613
- Besides pot.

1368
00:49:06,654 --> 00:49:07,864
- Besides pot.

1369
00:49:07,906 --> 00:49:09,282
[Queen's "Flash"]

1370
00:49:09,324 --> 00:49:10,950
- * Flash! *

1371
00:49:10,992 --> 00:49:12,952
* A-ah! *

1372
00:49:12,994 --> 00:49:14,662
* Savior of the universe *

1373
00:49:14,704 --> 00:49:20,293
* *

1374
00:49:20,335 --> 00:49:22,045
* Flash! *

1375
00:49:22,087 --> 00:49:24,130
* A-ah! *

1376
00:49:24,172 --> 00:49:25,799
* He'll save every one of us *

1377
00:49:25,840 --> 00:49:31,680
* *

1378
00:49:31,721 --> 00:49:34,974
[evil laughter]

1379
00:49:35,016 --> 00:49:36,810
[explosion]

1380
00:49:36,851 --> 00:49:39,020
* *

1381
00:49:39,062 --> 00:49:40,814
* Flash! *

1382
00:49:40,855 --> 00:49:43,149
* A-ah! *

1383
00:49:43,191 --> 00:49:44,484
* He's a miracle *

1384
00:49:44,526 --> 00:49:50,115
* *

1385
00:49:50,156 --> 00:49:51,825
* Flash! *

1386
00:49:51,866 --> 00:49:53,576
* A-ah! *

1387
00:49:53,618 --> 00:49:55,203
* King of the impossible *

1388
00:49:55,245 --> 00:49:58,081
* *

1389
00:49:58,123 --> 00:50:00,166
* He's for every one of us *

1390
00:50:00,208 --> 00:50:02,419
* Stand for every one of us *

1391
00:50:02,460 --> 00:50:03,920
* He saves
with a mighty hand *

1392
00:50:03,962 --> 00:50:05,463
* Every man, every woman,
every child *

1393
00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:07,007
* It's the mighty flash *

1394
00:50:07,048 --> 00:50:08,633
* *

1395
00:50:08,675 --> 00:50:10,760
[explosions]

1396
00:50:10,802 --> 00:50:17,726
* *

1397
00:50:19,352 --> 00:50:21,021
* Flash! *

1398
00:50:21,062 --> 00:50:23,773
* A-ah! *

1399
00:50:23,815 --> 00:50:30,113
* *

1400
00:50:30,155 --> 00:50:31,781
* Flash! *

1401
00:50:31,823 --> 00:50:34,075
* A-ah! *

1402
00:50:34,117 --> 00:50:36,077
* He'll save every one of us *