1 00:00:07,262 --> 00:00:09,472 narrator: In 1985, little John Bennett 2 00:00:09,514 --> 00:00:11,307 wished on a shooting star 3 00:00:11,349 --> 00:00:13,810 that his teddy bear would come to life. 4 00:00:13,852 --> 00:00:15,854 Magically, it happened. 5 00:00:15,895 --> 00:00:19,190 Ted was an instant, worldwide phenomenon. 6 00:00:19,232 --> 00:00:21,192 But now, it's 1993. 7 00:00:21,234 --> 00:00:22,777 And like every phenomenon, 8 00:00:22,819 --> 00:00:25,280 eventually, nobody gives a shit. 9 00:00:25,321 --> 00:00:28,116 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 10 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:32,203 * * 11 00:00:32,245 --> 00:00:33,913 - * My words are lazy * 12 00:00:33,955 --> 00:00:35,582 * My thoughts are hazy * 13 00:00:35,623 --> 00:00:38,793 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 14 00:00:38,835 --> 00:00:42,422 * Everybody needs a best friend * 15 00:00:42,464 --> 00:00:45,383 * I'm happy I'm yours * 16 00:00:47,093 --> 00:00:50,013 [upbeat jazz music] 17 00:00:50,055 --> 00:00:54,225 * * 18 00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:57,020 [glitchy music playing] 19 00:00:57,062 --> 00:01:00,106 - Fuck, it's not working. Here, let me try something, 20 00:01:00,148 --> 00:01:01,149 - You got to blow on it. 21 00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:03,401 - That's what I'm doing. [blowing] 22 00:01:03,443 --> 00:01:04,903 - No, no, you got to like really blow on it. 23 00:01:04,944 --> 00:01:07,072 Here. 24 00:01:07,113 --> 00:01:08,573 [blowing harder] 25 00:01:08,615 --> 00:01:11,284 - Wow, you are going to make some guy very happy one day. 26 00:01:11,326 --> 00:01:12,535 - Fuck off. 27 00:01:12,577 --> 00:01:13,620 - Try it again with eye contact. 28 00:01:13,661 --> 00:01:15,580 - Fuck you, man. 29 00:01:15,622 --> 00:01:16,915 See if it works. 30 00:01:16,956 --> 00:01:17,874 [upbeat electronic playing] 31 00:01:17,916 --> 00:01:19,084 both: Hey! 32 00:01:19,125 --> 00:01:20,085 - All right, Mushroom Kingdom. 33 00:01:20,126 --> 00:01:21,294 - Anybody seen my car keys? 34 00:01:21,336 --> 00:01:23,088 - Yeah, they were on the floor. 35 00:01:23,129 --> 00:01:24,756 Dad stepped on them and got mad. 36 00:01:24,798 --> 00:01:25,840 - What'd he do with 'em? 37 00:01:25,882 --> 00:01:26,800 - Think he threw 'em. 38 00:01:26,841 --> 00:01:28,385 - Shit. 39 00:01:28,426 --> 00:01:30,887 - Hey, are Mario and Luigi supposed to be midgets? 40 00:01:30,929 --> 00:01:31,888 - What do you mean? 41 00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:32,972 - They're wicked short. 42 00:01:33,014 --> 00:01:34,140 Like, is it part of their character 43 00:01:34,182 --> 00:01:35,392 that they're midgets, or is-- 44 00:01:35,433 --> 00:01:37,227 - Jesus Christ. Seriously? 45 00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:38,269 - What? 46 00:01:38,311 --> 00:01:39,562 - Little people. 47 00:01:39,604 --> 00:01:40,647 - Yeah, that's why I'm asking. 48 00:01:40,689 --> 00:01:42,190 Are they supposed to be midgets? 49 00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:43,983 - You don't say "midget." You say "little people." 50 00:01:44,025 --> 00:01:45,819 "Midget" is rude. - Why is it rude? 51 00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:48,154 - Because it just is. It's a fucked-up word. 52 00:01:48,196 --> 00:01:49,572 I mean, how would you like it if you were a little person 53 00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:50,949 and someone called you that? 54 00:01:50,990 --> 00:01:52,283 - Well, I mean, technically-- 55 00:01:52,325 --> 00:01:54,035 - That's not the same. - Why not? 56 00:01:54,077 --> 00:01:55,286 - You're a teddy bear. 57 00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:56,705 - So what? Doesn't matter. 58 00:01:56,746 --> 00:01:58,790 Yeah, yeah, you know what? I ama midget. 59 00:01:58,832 --> 00:02:01,584 And I will thank you not to tell ourcommunity 60 00:02:01,626 --> 00:02:02,961 how to use ourword. 61 00:02:03,002 --> 00:02:04,170 - Well done, Teddy. 62 00:02:04,212 --> 00:02:05,338 - Thank you. 63 00:02:07,132 --> 00:02:09,801 [owl hooting] 64 00:02:09,843 --> 00:02:11,052 Susan, just say it once. 65 00:02:11,094 --> 00:02:12,470 - Nope. - Just one time. 66 00:02:12,512 --> 00:02:13,930 - No. - She's not going to do it. 67 00:02:13,972 --> 00:02:15,015 - Come on, just one "fuck." 68 00:02:15,056 --> 00:02:16,016 - No, she doesn't want to go to hell. 69 00:02:16,057 --> 00:02:17,475 - Come on, Susan. 70 00:02:17,517 --> 00:02:20,228 - I can express myself without that kind of language. 71 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:21,604 Thank you. - Come on, we got a bet going. 72 00:02:21,646 --> 00:02:23,481 Just one time. - What's the bet? 73 00:02:23,523 --> 00:02:25,275 - Oh, that Ted can get Mom to swear. 74 00:02:25,316 --> 00:02:27,068 - Oh, wow, so fucking adult. 75 00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:28,737 - Hey, we're at dinner. 76 00:02:28,778 --> 00:02:30,530 - Just say "shit." 77 00:02:30,572 --> 00:02:31,406 - Shoot. 78 00:02:31,448 --> 00:02:33,825 - Just give us the finger. 79 00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:34,909 - There's your finger. 80 00:02:34,951 --> 00:02:35,910 - Say "Polack." 81 00:02:35,952 --> 00:02:37,162 - Ted, really? 82 00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:38,580 - It's not a race. You can say it. 83 00:02:38,621 --> 00:02:39,748 - Yeah, it's just a bunch of guys. 84 00:02:39,789 --> 00:02:42,167 - OK, just eat your supper, fellas. 85 00:02:42,208 --> 00:02:43,168 - She's not going to swear, man. 86 00:02:43,209 --> 00:02:44,711 I win. - Ah, fuck. 87 00:02:44,753 --> 00:02:46,588 - Pay up. 88 00:02:46,629 --> 00:02:48,673 [Ted groans softly] Thank you. 89 00:02:48,715 --> 00:02:50,842 Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this? 90 00:02:50,884 --> 00:02:53,887 - Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff. 91 00:02:53,928 --> 00:02:56,348 - Matty, honey, that's your fourth beer. 92 00:02:56,389 --> 00:02:58,183 - Yeah, I had a shit day. 93 00:02:58,224 --> 00:02:59,726 - Yeah, four is like a Boston one. 94 00:02:59,768 --> 00:03:00,810 He's OK. 95 00:03:00,852 --> 00:03:02,645 - I'm sorry your day was hard, honey. 96 00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:04,731 - Yeah, well, sorry doesn't fix the car. 97 00:03:04,773 --> 00:03:06,149 - What happened to the car, Dad? 98 00:03:06,191 --> 00:03:07,817 - Whole rear fender got smashed. 99 00:03:07,859 --> 00:03:08,943 - Well, how bad is it? 100 00:03:08,985 --> 00:03:10,362 - It's going to be at least 400 bucks. 101 00:03:10,403 --> 00:03:12,572 - Who hit it? - I didn't see. 102 00:03:12,614 --> 00:03:15,617 But I was parked outside the Hong Kong buffet, so... 103 00:03:15,658 --> 00:03:17,410 [chuckles] Do the math. 104 00:03:17,452 --> 00:03:19,162 - I'm sorry, what? 105 00:03:19,204 --> 00:03:20,372 - I'm just saying. 106 00:03:20,413 --> 00:03:23,375 - Wow, that is such complete bullshit. 107 00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:24,626 - Hey, we're at dinner. 108 00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:26,378 - It's a bullshit stereotype. 109 00:03:26,419 --> 00:03:27,754 - Tell that to my car. 110 00:03:27,796 --> 00:03:29,005 - Swear to God, 111 00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:31,174 this whole household is so goddamn backward. 112 00:03:31,216 --> 00:03:33,385 Ted has used two derogatory terms this afternoon. 113 00:03:33,426 --> 00:03:34,678 And then there you go 114 00:03:34,719 --> 00:03:36,054 topping it off with that ignorant comment. 115 00:03:36,096 --> 00:03:37,514 - I said "midget." What was the other one? 116 00:03:37,555 --> 00:03:38,807 - Yeah, I don't know. 117 00:03:38,848 --> 00:03:40,308 - You're living in my house with my family, 118 00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:42,227 eating our food, and drinking our milk. 119 00:03:42,268 --> 00:03:43,478 Tough shit if you don't like it. 120 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,562 - That's just--that's great. 121 00:03:44,604 --> 00:03:45,897 I'm so glad you don't count me 122 00:03:45,939 --> 00:03:48,191 as a member of the family, Uncle Matty. 123 00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:49,401 - Maybe "Polack"? 124 00:03:49,442 --> 00:03:50,777 - No, couldn't be that. That one's fine. 125 00:03:50,819 --> 00:03:54,322 - Blaire, you are absolutely a member of this family. 126 00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:57,242 Matty, tell her you're sorry. 127 00:03:57,283 --> 00:03:58,576 - Of course he won't. 128 00:03:58,618 --> 00:04:00,161 Because if he did, he'd be admitting I'm right, 129 00:04:00,203 --> 00:04:02,580 which would also be admitting he is a classic Boston racist. 130 00:04:02,622 --> 00:04:04,416 - I'm not a racist! 131 00:04:04,457 --> 00:04:06,418 My favorite movie is "Rocky." 132 00:04:06,459 --> 00:04:08,336 - How the fuck does that make you not racist? 133 00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,213 - Uh, Apollo Creed is in the movie. 134 00:04:10,255 --> 00:04:11,589 - So? 135 00:04:11,631 --> 00:04:13,925 - So he's a Black guy who wins against a white guy. 136 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,385 - Oh, my God. 137 00:04:15,427 --> 00:04:17,220 - I mean, it's assuming you count Italians as whites, 138 00:04:17,262 --> 00:04:18,638 which I mostly do. 139 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,765 Of course, they weren't white up until the 1960s. 140 00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:23,101 They got a big bump after Korea. 141 00:04:23,143 --> 00:04:25,186 And it wasn't so much they got more white, 142 00:04:25,228 --> 00:04:27,981 the Cubans got more Black, but I was OK with that too. 143 00:04:28,023 --> 00:04:29,232 - Isn't this the toast 144 00:04:29,274 --> 00:04:30,316 that got you kicked out of Ronny's wedding? 145 00:04:30,358 --> 00:04:31,651 - Again, I was explaining 146 00:04:31,693 --> 00:04:33,528 why it was OK that he married an Italian. 147 00:04:33,570 --> 00:04:34,738 - Jesus Christ. 148 00:04:34,779 --> 00:04:36,322 You are literally proving my point. 149 00:04:36,364 --> 00:04:38,116 You are a raging fuckin' racist. 150 00:04:38,158 --> 00:04:39,576 - Hey, we're at dinner. 151 00:04:39,617 --> 00:04:43,955 - Well, in fairness, Blaire, you can be racist too. 152 00:04:43,997 --> 00:04:45,165 - What? - Mm-hmm. 153 00:04:45,206 --> 00:04:46,541 - No, I'm not. 154 00:04:46,583 --> 00:04:48,835 - Do you remember when you were a little girl? 155 00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:51,713 You used to cut the hair off your Barbies? 156 00:04:51,755 --> 00:04:53,131 - Yes? 157 00:04:53,173 --> 00:04:55,550 - You used to cut the Black Barbie's hair off first 158 00:04:55,592 --> 00:04:56,926 to see how it looked. 159 00:04:56,968 --> 00:04:59,095 - Oh, come on. Are you serious with that? 160 00:04:59,137 --> 00:05:00,347 - And then if you liked it, 161 00:05:00,388 --> 00:05:01,973 then you'd cut the white Barbie's hair. 162 00:05:02,015 --> 00:05:04,142 So you're a little racist too, Blaire. 163 00:05:04,184 --> 00:05:06,978 - Wow, that is weirdly so much more damning 164 00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:08,521 than anything else today. 165 00:05:08,563 --> 00:05:09,981 - And it started when she was very young too. 166 00:05:10,023 --> 00:05:11,983 - Are you guys for fucking real right now? 167 00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:14,819 - I mean, that is some sick Nazi doctor shit right there. 168 00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:16,446 - Did you? 169 00:05:16,488 --> 00:05:17,822 - What? 170 00:05:17,864 --> 00:05:21,368 - Did you cut the Black Barbie's hair first? 171 00:05:23,036 --> 00:05:26,206 - Fine, yes, OK, I cut the Black Barbie's hair, yes. 172 00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:27,582 I was eight years old, OK? 173 00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:28,833 I didn't fucking know any better. 174 00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:30,710 - What was the Black Barbie's name? 175 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:34,964 - I don't remember. - Oh, it gets even worse! 176 00:05:35,006 --> 00:05:36,591 - Oh, my God, she can't remember the Black Barbie's name. 177 00:05:36,633 --> 00:05:38,885 - But I still love both Barbies equally. 178 00:05:38,927 --> 00:05:40,512 - And separately? - Yeah, yeah. 179 00:05:40,553 --> 00:05:41,846 What was the water fountain situation like 180 00:05:41,888 --> 00:05:43,598 at the Dream House? - Yeah, was there like 181 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,183 a special entrance for the Black Barbie? 182 00:05:45,225 --> 00:05:46,518 - Look-- - Oh. 183 00:05:46,559 --> 00:05:47,686 Did you call it the "I Have a Dream House"? 184 00:05:47,727 --> 00:05:49,854 - A-ha! - OK, I was a fucking child. 185 00:05:49,896 --> 00:05:52,023 All right? At least I have that excuse. 186 00:05:52,065 --> 00:05:53,525 You guys are adults. 187 00:05:53,566 --> 00:05:55,193 You know what the problem is? 188 00:05:55,235 --> 00:05:56,611 Education. 189 00:05:56,653 --> 00:05:58,905 There is a complete lack of education in this family. 190 00:05:58,947 --> 00:06:00,365 - That's not true. I go to school. 191 00:06:00,407 --> 00:06:02,409 - I'm taking a pottery class. 192 00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:04,244 - What about Ted? Hmm? 193 00:06:04,285 --> 00:06:06,037 He's never had a day of education in his life, 194 00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:08,373 and it shows, using words like "Polack." 195 00:06:08,415 --> 00:06:09,624 - Oh, it was "Polack." 196 00:06:09,666 --> 00:06:12,210 - The teacher says my ashtray shows promise. 197 00:06:12,252 --> 00:06:14,713 - You should be going to school every day with John. 198 00:06:14,754 --> 00:06:16,297 You'd learn something. 199 00:06:16,339 --> 00:06:17,632 And maybe you wouldn't make all these ignorant comments. 200 00:06:17,674 --> 00:06:19,300 - Uh, yeah, no thanks. 201 00:06:19,342 --> 00:06:20,343 - Why not? 202 00:06:20,385 --> 00:06:22,095 - Because. 203 00:06:22,137 --> 00:06:23,263 TV. 204 00:06:23,304 --> 00:06:24,639 - [sighs] Aunt Suze, help me out. 205 00:06:24,681 --> 00:06:26,474 - Well, Ted, you might have fun. 206 00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:27,892 - Mm-hmm. 207 00:06:27,934 --> 00:06:29,644 - And I'm sure John would love to have you there. 208 00:06:29,686 --> 00:06:31,604 - No, no, I would not have fun. 209 00:06:31,646 --> 00:06:33,440 And "The Price is Right" is on at 10:00 a.m. 210 00:06:33,481 --> 00:06:34,899 and I'd miss Plinko 211 00:06:34,941 --> 00:06:37,277 and Johnny respects me too much to want me to do that. 212 00:06:37,318 --> 00:06:38,653 - I do. I respect him. 213 00:06:38,695 --> 00:06:40,530 He tells me all about Plinko when I get home. 214 00:06:40,572 --> 00:06:41,865 - That is such a cop-out. 215 00:06:41,906 --> 00:06:44,075 - Look, I guard the house when you guys are out. 216 00:06:44,117 --> 00:06:45,577 - [scoffs] You do not. 217 00:06:45,618 --> 00:06:46,995 - Yeah, I do. - How? 218 00:06:47,037 --> 00:06:49,080 If somebody broke in, what would you do? 219 00:06:49,122 --> 00:06:52,167 - I--I would tell him all the good stuff's in the backyard 220 00:06:52,208 --> 00:06:54,544 and then I'd lock the door behind him. 221 00:06:54,586 --> 00:06:56,629 - This is pointless. I have plans with Sarah. 222 00:06:59,507 --> 00:07:01,551 - Oh, Plinko was wonderful today. 223 00:07:01,593 --> 00:07:03,845 - Plinko is the best "Price is Right" game. 224 00:07:03,887 --> 00:07:04,763 - It is. 225 00:07:04,804 --> 00:07:08,224 We live in such special times. 226 00:07:08,266 --> 00:07:11,186 [upbeat jazz music] 227 00:07:11,227 --> 00:07:13,271 * * 228 00:07:13,313 --> 00:07:16,483 - $1,000 total thus far. 229 00:07:16,524 --> 00:07:17,942 - Oh, God. - Third one is... 230 00:07:17,984 --> 00:07:18,818 - Oh, God. 231 00:07:18,860 --> 00:07:19,944 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, 232 00:07:19,986 --> 00:07:21,780 fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 233 00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:23,823 Yes! Ah! Oh, my God! 234 00:07:23,865 --> 00:07:26,743 [cheers and applause] I want to tell somebody. 235 00:07:26,785 --> 00:07:28,286 No, it's OK. It's all right. 236 00:07:28,328 --> 00:07:30,330 This will be my moment. 237 00:07:30,372 --> 00:07:31,623 [switch clicks] [Ted sighs] 238 00:07:31,664 --> 00:07:34,501 All right, another day with the house to myself. 239 00:07:34,542 --> 00:07:35,960 What's fun? 240 00:07:36,002 --> 00:07:37,879 What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? What's fun? 241 00:07:37,921 --> 00:07:39,381 [gasps] 242 00:07:39,422 --> 00:07:43,009 Oh, let's see if we can find where Matty hides his porn. 243 00:07:48,515 --> 00:07:50,016 Jesus, he's got nothing? 244 00:07:50,058 --> 00:07:51,810 25 years of marriage and no porn, 245 00:07:51,851 --> 00:07:53,186 I'd put a bullet in my head. 246 00:07:53,228 --> 00:07:55,146 Oh, here we go. 247 00:07:55,188 --> 00:07:57,982 Oh, talk about the right to bear arms. 248 00:07:58,024 --> 00:08:00,193 [chuckles] Bear arms bearing arms, right? 249 00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:03,655 [laughs] Oh, man, everybody's missing all this great stuff. 250 00:08:03,697 --> 00:08:06,700 Oh, wait. Oh, I know what to do with this. 251 00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:18,920 [gun cocks] 252 00:08:22,799 --> 00:08:24,217 [laughs] Awesome! 253 00:08:24,259 --> 00:08:27,053 Oh, I am so glad I tried this at home. 254 00:08:28,263 --> 00:08:29,681 - What the hell was that? 255 00:08:29,723 --> 00:08:31,266 - Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko. 256 00:08:31,307 --> 00:08:33,184 I'm just doing a science experiment. 257 00:08:33,226 --> 00:08:34,978 - Is that a gun? 258 00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:37,731 - I mean, that's one function of it, yeah. 259 00:08:37,772 --> 00:08:39,274 - Well, what are you shooting at? 260 00:08:39,315 --> 00:08:40,275 - Nothing. 261 00:08:40,316 --> 00:08:41,234 - Are you sure? 262 00:08:41,276 --> 00:08:42,277 - Yeah. 263 00:08:42,318 --> 00:08:43,236 - All right. 264 00:08:44,821 --> 00:08:46,114 Oops! [groans] 265 00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:47,115 [gunshot] 266 00:08:50,368 --> 00:08:51,369 [dog barking in the distance] 267 00:08:51,411 --> 00:08:53,621 Ah, fuck. 268 00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,088 [beer can rattles] 269 00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:05,008 - The Russian boxer has all this technology, right? 270 00:09:05,050 --> 00:09:07,135 But Rocky's way up in the mountains. 271 00:09:07,177 --> 00:09:09,262 And all he's got is, like, logs and shit. 272 00:09:09,304 --> 00:09:12,057 So it's wicked uneven because the Russians 273 00:09:12,098 --> 00:09:14,851 have machines for, like, every part of Drago's body. 274 00:09:14,893 --> 00:09:19,314 But you know what part they don't have a machine for? 275 00:09:19,356 --> 00:09:21,274 This guy, right here. 276 00:09:21,316 --> 00:09:22,734 Aw, you should have seen it. 277 00:09:22,776 --> 00:09:25,945 - I'm sure I still can. It sounds like they filmed it. 278 00:09:25,987 --> 00:09:27,280 - I don't know how we started talking about abortion 279 00:09:27,322 --> 00:09:28,531 and ended up here. 280 00:09:28,573 --> 00:09:29,699 - I don't have to pick you up tomorrow, right? 281 00:09:29,741 --> 00:09:32,786 - No, I got the rental. 282 00:09:32,827 --> 00:09:34,621 What the fuck? 283 00:09:36,790 --> 00:09:39,417 [women giggling] 284 00:09:39,459 --> 00:09:41,127 - Aw. [laughter] 285 00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:42,754 - Oh. Hey, Matty. Hey, Blaire. 286 00:09:42,796 --> 00:09:43,922 - What the fuck is this? 287 00:09:43,963 --> 00:09:46,174 - Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches, 288 00:09:46,216 --> 00:09:47,425 and Beef Stroganoff. 289 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,468 - Hi. 290 00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:49,511 - What happened to the TV? 291 00:09:49,552 --> 00:09:51,471 - Oh, I accidentally shot it. 292 00:09:51,513 --> 00:09:52,806 - You shot it? 293 00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:54,808 - Yeah, and I felt really bad about it. 294 00:09:54,849 --> 00:09:57,686 And then I was like, "Hey, Ted, it was an accident. 295 00:09:57,727 --> 00:09:59,562 "Stop being so hard on yourself. 296 00:09:59,604 --> 00:10:00,980 "It's bad enough that it happened. 297 00:10:01,022 --> 00:10:03,400 You feeling bad's not going to fix it." 298 00:10:03,441 --> 00:10:04,734 So I called these ladies 299 00:10:04,776 --> 00:10:06,111 because I was trying to make myself feel better. 300 00:10:06,152 --> 00:10:07,946 And I do. I feel better. [women giggle] 301 00:10:07,987 --> 00:10:09,864 - See, this is the kind of shit 302 00:10:09,906 --> 00:10:11,616 that wouldn't happen if he was in school. 303 00:10:11,658 --> 00:10:12,617 - Wait, what? 304 00:10:12,659 --> 00:10:14,077 - You're going to school. 305 00:10:14,119 --> 00:10:15,954 - Wait, hang on. That is a serious overreaction. 306 00:10:15,995 --> 00:10:17,038 - You're going to school, 307 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,581 and you're going to grow a fucking brain! 308 00:10:18,623 --> 00:10:19,958 - Oh, come on! 309 00:10:19,999 --> 00:10:21,626 - I think brains are sexy. 310 00:10:21,668 --> 00:10:23,670 - Shut up, Beef. 311 00:10:28,383 --> 00:10:31,136 [owl hooting] 312 00:10:33,346 --> 00:10:36,307 - Hey, Johnny, you awake? 313 00:10:36,349 --> 00:10:37,642 - Yeah. 314 00:10:37,684 --> 00:10:39,436 I was just jerking off. 315 00:10:39,477 --> 00:10:40,729 - What? 316 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,731 - [laughs] Relax, I'm fucking with you. 317 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,691 - Holy Jesus. 318 00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:45,984 Wait, you're-- you don't do that 319 00:10:46,026 --> 00:10:47,193 when I'm in the room, right? 320 00:10:47,235 --> 00:10:48,945 - No. 321 00:10:48,987 --> 00:10:51,990 Not usually. I mean, if you're asleep. 322 00:10:52,032 --> 00:10:55,785 - Oh, shit, that's why I had the Spanish galleon dream. 323 00:10:55,827 --> 00:10:56,995 - What? 324 00:10:57,037 --> 00:10:58,121 - I had a dream the other night 325 00:10:58,163 --> 00:11:00,582 that I was rowing on a Spanish slave ship. 326 00:11:00,623 --> 00:11:03,960 And the guy on the drums was pounding faster and faster. 327 00:11:04,002 --> 00:11:06,004 And so I escaped by jumping out a window, 328 00:11:06,046 --> 00:11:07,839 and I swam to a desert island. 329 00:11:07,881 --> 00:11:09,007 And when I came ashore, 330 00:11:09,049 --> 00:11:11,134 there you were jerking off. 331 00:11:11,176 --> 00:11:13,887 That's probably why I had that dream. 332 00:11:16,222 --> 00:11:18,850 - OK, goodnight. 333 00:11:18,892 --> 00:11:21,686 - Johnny, how bad is school going to suck? 334 00:11:21,728 --> 00:11:23,438 - You're not going to like it. 335 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,357 - How bad? 336 00:11:25,398 --> 00:11:27,609 - You ever drink orange juice after brushing your teeth? 337 00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:28,651 - Yeah. 338 00:11:28,693 --> 00:11:29,861 - Well, it's like 339 00:11:29,903 --> 00:11:30,904 getting your nuts smashed together so hard, 340 00:11:30,945 --> 00:11:32,697 they become just one nut. 341 00:11:32,739 --> 00:11:35,033 - Holy shit. And that's every day? 342 00:11:35,075 --> 00:11:37,827 - That's every single day. 343 00:11:37,869 --> 00:11:39,204 But if you die in a drunk driving accident, 344 00:11:39,245 --> 00:11:41,956 you get a whole page in the yearbook. 345 00:11:41,998 --> 00:11:43,166 - Not quite "Goodnight Moon," 346 00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:45,502 but I'll see you in the morning. 347 00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:48,463 [upbeat jazz music] 348 00:11:48,505 --> 00:11:51,800 * * 349 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,218 This sucks. 350 00:11:53,259 --> 00:11:55,053 We got to lug these things around all day? 351 00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,262 - Yeah, pretty much. 352 00:11:56,304 --> 00:11:58,556 - We look stupid. - Nah, we're fine. 353 00:11:58,598 --> 00:12:00,767 - We look like suicide bombers having second thoughts. 354 00:12:00,809 --> 00:12:01,893 - Shut the fuck up. 355 00:12:01,935 --> 00:12:03,061 You can't joke about bombs here. 356 00:12:03,103 --> 00:12:05,730 - [sighs] Now let me ask you something. 357 00:12:05,772 --> 00:12:06,898 You ever get self-conscious 358 00:12:06,940 --> 00:12:08,817 being the only white guy at your school? 359 00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,777 - I dunno, we live in a Boston suburb. 360 00:12:10,819 --> 00:12:12,404 Oh, last year, we had an Indian kid. 361 00:12:12,445 --> 00:12:13,446 - Oh, yeah? 362 00:12:13,488 --> 00:12:14,531 - Yeah, but they got him. 363 00:12:14,572 --> 00:12:15,740 - What does that mean? 364 00:12:15,782 --> 00:12:17,075 - I liked him too. 365 00:12:17,117 --> 00:12:18,410 - What do you mean "they got him"? 366 00:12:18,451 --> 00:12:19,744 - He used to share his Dunkaroos. 367 00:12:19,786 --> 00:12:21,538 Good guy. - Fuck this, Johnny. 368 00:12:21,579 --> 00:12:23,623 You know what? I'm going to get expelled. 369 00:12:23,665 --> 00:12:25,041 - For what? 370 00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:26,501 - I don't know yet. I'll come up with something. 371 00:12:26,543 --> 00:12:28,044 - Wait, you're going to try and get kicked out? 372 00:12:28,086 --> 00:12:30,839 - It's the only way. I'm missing "Card Sharks." 373 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,633 [indistinct chatter] 374 00:12:33,675 --> 00:12:36,636 - [gasps softly] Dude, look. 375 00:12:36,678 --> 00:12:37,804 There she is. 376 00:12:37,846 --> 00:12:38,805 - What? 377 00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:40,515 - Look. 378 00:12:40,557 --> 00:12:42,851 - Holy shit, who is that? 379 00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:44,269 - Bethany's sister. 380 00:12:44,310 --> 00:12:46,938 She goes to Emerson. Hottest chick on the planet. 381 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,898 - Jesus, what's her name? 382 00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:49,941 - Sheila. 383 00:12:49,983 --> 00:12:51,901 - What? No. - Yep. 384 00:12:51,943 --> 00:12:53,403 - Sheila? - Uh-huh. 385 00:12:53,445 --> 00:12:56,573 - What the fuck kind of malevolent God would do that? 386 00:12:56,614 --> 00:12:58,241 - Yeah, it's like her parents knew she was going to be hot, 387 00:12:58,283 --> 00:12:59,451 and they wanted to level the field. 388 00:12:59,492 --> 00:13:01,119 - Think fast, Bennett! 389 00:13:01,161 --> 00:13:02,162 [laughter] - Nice! 390 00:13:02,203 --> 00:13:03,955 - Fuck. - Hey, dork. 391 00:13:03,997 --> 00:13:05,123 What the fuck you got here? 392 00:13:05,165 --> 00:13:06,624 You're bringing your dolls to school? 393 00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:07,709 - Hey, fuck you, Clive. 394 00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:10,045 Oh, God, you motherfucker. 395 00:13:10,086 --> 00:13:12,130 - Who the hell is this guy? - This is Clive. 396 00:13:12,172 --> 00:13:13,631 - Nice teddy bear, Bennett. 397 00:13:13,673 --> 00:13:16,509 You got your blankie too? Ooh. [bullies laughing] 398 00:13:16,551 --> 00:13:18,511 You must be going full gay on us, huh? 399 00:13:18,553 --> 00:13:20,472 I always knew you were a big queer. 400 00:13:20,513 --> 00:13:22,432 - You know, I don't want to speculate on who's gay, 401 00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:26,019 but didn't you just touch his penis twice? 402 00:13:26,061 --> 00:13:27,812 Hey, listen, man, it's nothing to be ashamed of. 403 00:13:27,854 --> 00:13:29,731 It's the '90s. Times are changing. 404 00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:32,317 Hey, anybody else here gay? 405 00:13:32,359 --> 00:13:33,401 How is it? 406 00:13:33,443 --> 00:13:35,320 - It's great. - It's the fucking tits. 407 00:13:35,362 --> 00:13:37,530 - See? There you go. The reviews are in. 408 00:13:38,698 --> 00:13:40,450 - You're still a fucking dork. 409 00:13:40,492 --> 00:13:42,827 [grunts] - [laughing] Hey, what a dorko. 410 00:13:42,869 --> 00:13:44,621 - Let's go. [bully laughs] 411 00:13:45,747 --> 00:13:47,290 - Hey, you know what, Teddy? 412 00:13:47,332 --> 00:13:48,958 I think I'm really glad you're here. 413 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,126 - Yeah, thanks. 414 00:13:50,168 --> 00:13:51,211 I'm still going to get kicked out. 415 00:13:51,252 --> 00:13:53,296 - I know. 416 00:13:53,338 --> 00:13:56,174 - From 1814 to 1815, following the writing 417 00:13:56,216 --> 00:13:58,176 of "Childe Harold's Pilgrimage," 418 00:13:58,218 --> 00:14:00,762 Lord Byron was the toast of Regency London. 419 00:14:00,804 --> 00:14:03,098 During this period, he wrote "The Siege of Corinth," 420 00:14:03,139 --> 00:14:06,976 "The Bride of Abydos," and what else? 421 00:14:07,018 --> 00:14:08,770 - Amanda. - "Terracina." 422 00:14:08,812 --> 00:14:10,438 - Yes. Someone did the homework. 423 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,898 Very good. 424 00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:14,484 - I think this guy's lost 40 hairs since class started. 425 00:14:14,526 --> 00:14:15,443 - It's weird, right? 426 00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:16,444 It's like they're not falling out. 427 00:14:16,486 --> 00:14:18,196 They're jumping out. [Ted laughs] 428 00:14:18,238 --> 00:14:20,031 - Ted. - Yes? 429 00:14:20,073 --> 00:14:21,574 - Can you complete this verse? 430 00:14:21,616 --> 00:14:25,412 "She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes 431 00:14:25,453 --> 00:14:26,996 "and starry skies. 432 00:14:27,038 --> 00:14:30,458 And all that's best of dark and bright..." 433 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:32,627 - Your wife is fucking other guys. 434 00:14:32,669 --> 00:14:35,130 [laughter] 435 00:14:35,171 --> 00:14:36,589 - [chuckles softly] 436 00:14:36,631 --> 00:14:37,799 [sniffles softly] 437 00:14:37,841 --> 00:14:39,551 You think you're funny, but you know what? 438 00:14:39,592 --> 00:14:41,219 Joke's on you, smart guy, 439 00:14:41,261 --> 00:14:43,555 because my wife and I are having problems. 440 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:45,557 - Oh. - Yeah. 441 00:14:45,598 --> 00:14:46,725 - I'm sorry to hear that. 442 00:14:46,766 --> 00:14:48,101 - Oh, thank you. 443 00:14:48,143 --> 00:14:50,979 Um, my wife had an affair last year. 444 00:14:51,021 --> 00:14:52,564 And we've both tried to recover, 445 00:14:52,605 --> 00:14:55,692 but fact is, neither one of us has been able to forget it. 446 00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:59,404 So I come in here every day acting like my life is great 447 00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:03,283 when, in reality, it's a train wreck. 448 00:15:03,324 --> 00:15:05,368 My own son doesn't respect his father, 449 00:15:05,410 --> 00:15:08,246 so joke's on you, funny man. 450 00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:10,790 - Not really quite sure how the joke's on me, 451 00:15:10,832 --> 00:15:12,125 but-- - Who's laughing now? 452 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,918 - I mean, I think I still am, but-- 453 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,004 - Life comes with a lot of pain, kids. 454 00:15:16,046 --> 00:15:17,505 So better you learn that right now 455 00:15:17,547 --> 00:15:21,426 and develop some nice, hard calluses over your feelings. 456 00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,219 My daughter is having a pregnancy scare. 457 00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:24,971 Anyone want to talk about that? 458 00:15:25,013 --> 00:15:27,432 Well, we're gonna talk about it! 459 00:15:27,474 --> 00:15:30,727 Her last period was five weeks ago! 460 00:15:32,103 --> 00:15:33,605 I know this because 461 00:15:33,646 --> 00:15:36,524 I'm the only one in the house who buys tampons. 462 00:15:36,566 --> 00:15:38,360 - Yeah, I don't think you're going to break Mr. George. 463 00:15:38,401 --> 00:15:39,944 He's already too messed up. 464 00:15:39,986 --> 00:15:41,237 - Yeah, I see that. 465 00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:42,447 - So what are you going to do? 466 00:15:42,489 --> 00:15:44,574 How are you going to get kicked out? 467 00:15:44,616 --> 00:15:47,369 [indistinct chatter] 468 00:15:49,454 --> 00:15:50,872 - Better put some more franks on. 469 00:15:50,914 --> 00:15:51,956 - All right. 470 00:15:51,998 --> 00:15:54,459 [indistinct chatter] 471 00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:55,919 - I'm the king of the wieners! 472 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,504 - [screams] 473 00:15:59,839 --> 00:16:00,882 [Ted laughs] 474 00:16:00,924 --> 00:16:02,509 [crying] 475 00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:04,844 - Ted Bennett, please report to the principal's office. 476 00:16:04,886 --> 00:16:06,888 Well, don't mind if I do. 477 00:16:06,930 --> 00:16:10,892 - Ted, do you know where my last job was? 478 00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:13,186 - Um, were you on "Night Court"? 479 00:16:13,228 --> 00:16:14,354 - [chuckles sarcastically] No. 480 00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:16,690 I was principal at Dorchester High. 481 00:16:16,731 --> 00:16:18,149 - Oh, shit. 482 00:16:18,191 --> 00:16:21,152 Wait, isn't their mascot just a guy with a knife? 483 00:16:21,194 --> 00:16:22,987 - Technically, Stabbers was a pirate. 484 00:16:23,029 --> 00:16:24,989 But yes, it was a little rough. 485 00:16:25,031 --> 00:16:26,533 - I heard there was one girl there 486 00:16:26,574 --> 00:16:28,910 who was only eight years older than her own granddaughter. 487 00:16:28,952 --> 00:16:30,161 - I'm afraid that's true. 488 00:16:30,203 --> 00:16:31,454 - Well, how'd that work? 489 00:16:31,496 --> 00:16:33,164 - Oh, it involved the International Date Line. 490 00:16:33,206 --> 00:16:35,083 But the point is 491 00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:37,001 I watched a lot of students stumble 492 00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:39,838 and drift through the system to come out on the other side 493 00:16:39,879 --> 00:16:41,464 without any real education. 494 00:16:41,506 --> 00:16:43,383 Some of them did what you're doing-- 495 00:16:43,425 --> 00:16:45,844 testing the boundaries, rebelling, 496 00:16:45,885 --> 00:16:47,387 hoping to get cut loose. 497 00:16:47,429 --> 00:16:48,930 - OK. 498 00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:51,224 - Well, I'm not going to let the same thing happen here. 499 00:16:51,266 --> 00:16:53,351 - Love that. Don't like where this is going. 500 00:16:53,393 --> 00:16:55,186 - You're going to be an example. 501 00:16:55,228 --> 00:16:57,981 I'm not going to suspend you or anything else. 502 00:16:58,023 --> 00:17:01,276 We are going to make a successful student out of you. 503 00:17:01,317 --> 00:17:02,402 - Now hang on a second-- 504 00:17:02,444 --> 00:17:03,862 - And you're the perfect choice. 505 00:17:03,903 --> 00:17:07,532 So if you want to act up again, just know if you do, 506 00:17:07,574 --> 00:17:09,534 it's not going to change your situation. 507 00:17:09,576 --> 00:17:11,786 - Oh, man, are you sure I'm the right guy? 508 00:17:11,828 --> 00:17:13,872 There's a fat kid who likes to touch dicks. 509 00:17:13,913 --> 00:17:15,665 - You're late for class. 510 00:17:15,707 --> 00:17:17,417 [bell rings] 511 00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:20,253 [upbeat jazz music] 512 00:17:20,295 --> 00:17:22,172 - Maybe I could just tell Matty to go fuck himself. 513 00:17:22,213 --> 00:17:24,466 - No way, dude, my dad's a sadist. 514 00:17:24,507 --> 00:17:26,217 He thought Vietnam was fun. 515 00:17:26,259 --> 00:17:27,594 - Jesus, really? 516 00:17:27,635 --> 00:17:28,887 - Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came 517 00:17:28,928 --> 00:17:30,096 to pick him up. 518 00:17:30,138 --> 00:17:31,222 You don't want to piss him off, man. 519 00:17:31,264 --> 00:17:32,140 He'll kick you out of the house. 520 00:17:32,182 --> 00:17:33,475 You'll starve. 521 00:17:33,516 --> 00:17:34,768 - What the hell kind of fucked-up wish 522 00:17:34,809 --> 00:17:36,478 makes it so your teddy bear comes to life, 523 00:17:36,519 --> 00:17:37,896 but he's still got to eat? 524 00:17:37,937 --> 00:17:41,107 [engine rumbling] 525 00:17:42,275 --> 00:17:44,778 - Oh, man, there she is. 526 00:17:46,446 --> 00:17:48,156 - Yeah, we got practice in a half hour. 527 00:17:48,198 --> 00:17:51,284 [indistinct chatter] 528 00:17:55,789 --> 00:17:57,082 - Did you see that? 529 00:17:57,123 --> 00:17:59,042 - What? - That was a joint. 530 00:17:59,084 --> 00:18:00,543 - Oh, shit. 531 00:18:00,585 --> 00:18:01,961 - Teddy, that's your ticket out of here. 532 00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:03,421 - What? What do you mean? 533 00:18:03,463 --> 00:18:05,298 - You get caught with drugs in school, you're gone. 534 00:18:05,340 --> 00:18:06,883 It's like zero tolerance here. 535 00:18:06,925 --> 00:18:08,802 - Oh, fuck, wow. 536 00:18:08,843 --> 00:18:10,095 - Hey, you ever smoked weed? 537 00:18:10,136 --> 00:18:11,846 - No. - Yeah, me neither. 538 00:18:11,888 --> 00:18:14,599 - Really? The whole time you were famous? 539 00:18:14,641 --> 00:18:16,267 - Yeah, I was afraid my fur would catch on fire. 540 00:18:16,309 --> 00:18:17,769 I got no flame retardant. 541 00:18:17,811 --> 00:18:19,270 - All right, well, anyway, you don't got to smoke it. 542 00:18:19,312 --> 00:18:20,438 You just got to get caught with it. 543 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,023 - Well, fuck, let's go talk to her. 544 00:18:22,065 --> 00:18:23,274 - You fucking kidding me? 545 00:18:23,316 --> 00:18:24,776 I'm not going to talk to Sheila Borgwat. 546 00:18:24,818 --> 00:18:27,529 - Borgwat? Fucking God, it just keeps getting worse. 547 00:18:27,570 --> 00:18:29,698 - No way, man. No, no. I'm not going over there. 548 00:18:29,739 --> 00:18:31,241 - Come on, Johnny, you're not asking her out. 549 00:18:31,282 --> 00:18:32,534 You're just asking her for drugs. 550 00:18:32,575 --> 00:18:33,868 You said you stare at her every day. 551 00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:36,246 This is the perfect excuse to go talk to her. 552 00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:38,415 - No, man. I got you this far, you do it. 553 00:18:38,456 --> 00:18:39,874 - If you don't come with me, 554 00:18:39,916 --> 00:18:42,419 I will tell her you masturbate to network television. 555 00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:43,753 - You motherfucker. 556 00:18:43,795 --> 00:18:45,714 - I will tell her you watch "Full House" 557 00:18:45,755 --> 00:18:47,632 so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin, 558 00:18:47,674 --> 00:18:50,093 but that you can't always predict how long the scene is, 559 00:18:50,135 --> 00:18:53,096 so half the time, you ejaculate to an establishing shot. 560 00:18:53,138 --> 00:18:54,097 - You wouldn't. 561 00:18:54,139 --> 00:18:56,266 - Oh, Lori, oh, Lori! 562 00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:58,977 Oh, Lor--oh, fuck, a tasteful duplex. 563 00:18:59,019 --> 00:19:02,897 [indistinct chatter] 564 00:19:02,939 --> 00:19:04,399 - Excuse me. 565 00:19:04,441 --> 00:19:06,234 Hi. Uh, hi, I'm uh-- 566 00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:08,653 I'm John Bennett. 567 00:19:08,695 --> 00:19:09,696 - Hi there. 568 00:19:09,738 --> 00:19:12,532 Ooh, you just, uh, wash your hands? 569 00:19:12,574 --> 00:19:17,829 - Uh, yeah, just when I-- you know, a while ago, not now. 570 00:19:17,871 --> 00:19:19,456 [chuckles nervously] 571 00:19:19,497 --> 00:19:23,168 I had diarrhea. 572 00:19:23,209 --> 00:19:24,335 - Hi, I'm Ted. 573 00:19:24,377 --> 00:19:25,336 - I'm Sheila. 574 00:19:25,378 --> 00:19:26,921 - Oh, let's not ruin things. 575 00:19:26,963 --> 00:19:28,506 - Hey, listen, we couldn't help but notice 576 00:19:28,548 --> 00:19:31,051 you were smoking a little pot. 577 00:19:31,092 --> 00:19:33,511 - Yeah, midterms, you know? 578 00:19:33,553 --> 00:19:34,804 What, are you going to narc on me? 579 00:19:34,846 --> 00:19:36,431 - Oh, we're not judging. - No, absolutely not. 580 00:19:36,473 --> 00:19:37,682 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, 581 00:19:37,724 --> 00:19:40,727 Teddy and I often partake of... 582 00:19:40,769 --> 00:19:42,103 el bowl. 583 00:19:42,145 --> 00:19:44,856 - And the pot inside it, uh... 584 00:19:44,898 --> 00:19:45,899 cha-cha-cha. 585 00:19:48,485 --> 00:19:50,487 - It wasn't much diarrhea. 586 00:19:50,528 --> 00:19:51,780 - Can we have drugs, please? 587 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:53,740 - [chuckles] Sorry? 588 00:19:53,782 --> 00:19:55,200 - We're just-- we're looking to get some weed. 589 00:19:55,241 --> 00:19:56,868 We thought maybe you could help us out. 590 00:19:56,910 --> 00:19:59,871 - Yeah, uh, how old are you again? 591 00:19:59,913 --> 00:20:01,247 - 16 1/2. 592 00:20:01,289 --> 00:20:02,707 - Oof. 593 00:20:02,749 --> 00:20:05,168 Yeah, sorry, bro, that's not going to happen. 594 00:20:05,210 --> 00:20:06,586 - It's not for him. It's for me. 595 00:20:06,628 --> 00:20:09,005 Look, I get why you can't give a high school kid pot. 596 00:20:09,047 --> 00:20:11,091 But talking teddy bears are all good, right? 597 00:20:11,132 --> 00:20:12,384 We all take drugs. 598 00:20:12,425 --> 00:20:13,843 The fucking Care Bears are all meth addicts, 599 00:20:13,885 --> 00:20:16,596 Paddington's on Quaaludes, and Fozzie's a cokehead. 600 00:20:16,638 --> 00:20:18,848 You know he was in the room when John Belushi died? 601 00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:20,558 - Look, I can't help you guys out. 602 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,644 But if you want, I can hook you up with my connection. 603 00:20:22,686 --> 00:20:24,229 - Oh, that would be wonderful. 604 00:20:24,270 --> 00:20:27,357 And might I say, you are a very beautiful woman, Shelly-- 605 00:20:27,399 --> 00:20:28,400 - Sheila. 606 00:20:28,441 --> 00:20:29,609 - Oh, God, I know. 607 00:20:29,651 --> 00:20:32,779 [upbeat jazz music] 608 00:20:32,821 --> 00:20:39,786 * * 609 00:20:45,083 --> 00:20:46,376 All right, this is it. 610 00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:49,129 - All right, this is my allowance for the month. 611 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,463 If Dad asks where it went, 612 00:20:50,505 --> 00:20:52,090 we bought tickets to see "Schindler's List." 613 00:20:52,132 --> 00:20:53,925 - What do you mean? That's only like 8 bucks. 614 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:55,301 - Shit, you're right. 615 00:20:55,343 --> 00:20:56,803 Well, what did we do with the rest? 616 00:20:56,845 --> 00:21:00,265 - Uh, we were so moved that we donated it to Jew causes. 617 00:21:00,306 --> 00:21:02,475 - That is so nice of us. 618 00:21:02,517 --> 00:21:03,727 Maybe we should actually do that. 619 00:21:03,768 --> 00:21:05,020 - What, are you fucking crazy? 620 00:21:05,061 --> 00:21:06,354 Get your head in the game. We got drugs to buy. 621 00:21:06,396 --> 00:21:07,522 - Shit, sorry. 622 00:21:07,564 --> 00:21:09,441 Just be careful in there, OK? 623 00:21:09,482 --> 00:21:11,317 I hear some of these dealers can be sketchy. 624 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:12,777 Just don't get shot, buddy. 625 00:21:12,819 --> 00:21:14,738 - Will you relax? I'll be fine. I'll see you in a few. 626 00:21:18,199 --> 00:21:21,494 [baby crying] 627 00:21:21,536 --> 00:21:24,664 [dog barking] 628 00:21:29,502 --> 00:21:31,421 [Ted knocks at door] 629 00:21:32,464 --> 00:21:35,008 Hi, I'm here for the weed-- 630 00:21:41,931 --> 00:21:43,767 - No fucking way. 631 00:21:43,808 --> 00:21:44,934 - Ted, what the hell are you doing here? 632 00:21:44,976 --> 00:21:46,686 - It's you? - Who gave you this address? 633 00:21:46,728 --> 00:21:48,521 - Fucking Blaire sells pot? 634 00:21:48,563 --> 00:21:50,523 - Jesus Christ. Lower your voice. 635 00:21:50,565 --> 00:21:52,317 Get inside. - [laughing] 636 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,362 Oh, un-fucking believable. 637 00:21:55,403 --> 00:21:56,863 - The fuck do you want? 638 00:21:56,905 --> 00:21:59,074 - Wait, so I can't say midget, but you can sell drugs? 639 00:21:59,115 --> 00:22:01,076 - What's with all the noise? 640 00:22:01,117 --> 00:22:02,285 Who's this? 641 00:22:02,327 --> 00:22:03,536 - This is Ted. 642 00:22:03,578 --> 00:22:05,330 Ted, this is my friend, Sarah. 643 00:22:05,372 --> 00:22:07,415 - Oh, yeah. Blaire mentioned you. 644 00:22:07,457 --> 00:22:10,335 You're that teddy bear that came to life back in the '80s. 645 00:22:10,377 --> 00:22:12,837 - Well, yeah, but I've done other stuff since then. 646 00:22:12,879 --> 00:22:14,381 - Like what? 647 00:22:14,422 --> 00:22:17,425 - Um, I was the stand-in for Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses." 648 00:22:17,467 --> 00:22:18,426 - Oh. 649 00:22:18,468 --> 00:22:20,095 - Not a tall man. 650 00:22:20,136 --> 00:22:23,473 Um, hey, how come you're selling weed anyway? 651 00:22:23,515 --> 00:22:25,892 - Sarah and I grow it here in her apartment, 652 00:22:25,934 --> 00:22:30,438 and we're using the money to help pay for tuition. 653 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,023 Ted, listen to me. 654 00:22:32,065 --> 00:22:34,693 You cannot tell Uncle Matty and Aunt Suze, all right? 655 00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:36,236 They will kick me out of the fucking house. 656 00:22:36,277 --> 00:22:37,654 It's hard enough to pay for school. 657 00:22:37,696 --> 00:22:39,364 I can't afford a higher rent too. 658 00:22:39,406 --> 00:22:41,032 - Wait. Matty charges you rent? 659 00:22:41,074 --> 00:22:42,617 - Not as much as I pay for an apartment, 660 00:22:42,659 --> 00:22:44,744 but still, 200 bucks a month. 661 00:22:44,786 --> 00:22:47,038 - For that crappy room over the garage? 662 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,708 Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't be caught dead in that place. 663 00:22:50,667 --> 00:22:51,876 I'm allowed to make that joke. 664 00:22:51,918 --> 00:22:53,586 Johnny and I donate to Jew causes. 665 00:22:53,628 --> 00:22:54,879 - OK, well, I still need the room, 666 00:22:54,921 --> 00:22:56,840 so you cannot say a fucking word. 667 00:22:56,881 --> 00:22:58,717 - Hey, look, man, I'm not here to bust anybody. 668 00:22:58,758 --> 00:23:01,386 I just want the ganja. 669 00:23:01,428 --> 00:23:03,013 - You've never smoked before, have you? 670 00:23:03,054 --> 00:23:04,639 - What are you-- what are you talking about? 671 00:23:04,681 --> 00:23:06,391 Yeah, I have. I do lots of drugs. 672 00:23:06,433 --> 00:23:08,560 - Yeah? Like what? 673 00:23:08,601 --> 00:23:10,103 - I'm on coke right now. See? 674 00:23:10,145 --> 00:23:12,731 Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up I just wanna write a novel 675 00:23:12,772 --> 00:23:14,232 and punch everything! 676 00:23:14,274 --> 00:23:15,275 Ow! Ow! 677 00:23:15,316 --> 00:23:16,609 Ah, just kidding. 678 00:23:16,651 --> 00:23:17,610 Doesn't hurt 'cause on account of the coke. 679 00:23:17,652 --> 00:23:18,903 - Bullshit. 680 00:23:18,945 --> 00:23:19,821 - I don't know what I'm talking about. 681 00:23:19,863 --> 00:23:21,281 Please, can I have marijuana? 682 00:23:21,322 --> 00:23:23,074 - [sighs] Fine. You got cash? 683 00:23:23,116 --> 00:23:26,244 - No. Wait. Sarah, we're-- we're not selling him pot. 684 00:23:26,286 --> 00:23:27,912 - Why not? - Yeah, why not? 685 00:23:27,954 --> 00:23:29,873 - Uh, are you fucking high already? 686 00:23:29,914 --> 00:23:31,875 Your best friend, my little cousin, 687 00:23:31,916 --> 00:23:33,543 is 16 years old. 688 00:23:33,585 --> 00:23:34,794 I'm not gonna enable him. 689 00:23:34,836 --> 00:23:36,087 - Well, I'm not either. 690 00:23:36,129 --> 00:23:37,589 I'm not even gonna tell him I have it. 691 00:23:37,630 --> 00:23:39,382 It's for me, Blaire. I swear to God. 692 00:23:39,424 --> 00:23:40,842 When have I ever lied to you? 693 00:23:40,884 --> 00:23:42,886 - Like ten seconds ago when you said you were on coke. 694 00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:44,888 - Well, yeah. But since then, I've given it to you straight. 695 00:23:44,929 --> 00:23:48,099 - Look, Blaire. We need the money. 696 00:23:48,141 --> 00:23:49,142 Why not just do it? 697 00:23:49,184 --> 00:23:50,143 - That's right, Blaire. 698 00:23:50,185 --> 00:23:51,936 You need the money, I need this. 699 00:23:51,978 --> 00:23:54,105 Look, do you have any idea what it's like 700 00:23:54,147 --> 00:23:55,940 to be the biggest star in the world 701 00:23:55,982 --> 00:23:57,859 and then nobody gives a shit about you? 702 00:23:57,901 --> 00:23:59,444 I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron. 703 00:23:59,486 --> 00:24:01,029 I gotta escape my demons, 704 00:24:01,071 --> 00:24:03,114 and it's either drugs or the church. 705 00:24:03,156 --> 00:24:05,158 You know what they do to guys my size? 706 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:08,161 Oh, please, don't make me suck a deacon's dick! 707 00:24:10,789 --> 00:24:13,833 [soft dramatic jazz music] 708 00:24:14,793 --> 00:24:16,294 - We should smoke it. 709 00:24:16,336 --> 00:24:17,545 - Wait, what? 710 00:24:17,587 --> 00:24:19,047 Johnny, this is my ticket out of school. 711 00:24:19,089 --> 00:24:20,882 - Yeah, I know. I mean, not--not all of it. 712 00:24:20,924 --> 00:24:24,135 Just, you know, we smoke some and save some for the plan. 713 00:24:24,177 --> 00:24:27,347 - Well, Johnny, I--I promised Blaire it was just for me. 714 00:24:27,389 --> 00:24:28,973 - Teddy, think about it, all right? 715 00:24:29,015 --> 00:24:31,434 I bet I'm the only kid in school who hasn't smoked. 716 00:24:31,476 --> 00:24:32,936 I haven't smoked. I haven't had sex. 717 00:24:32,977 --> 00:24:34,688 I haven't had a girlfriend. 718 00:24:34,729 --> 00:24:37,107 Clive's right. I'm a fucking loser. 719 00:24:37,148 --> 00:24:39,192 I mean, you're like my only real friend, 720 00:24:39,234 --> 00:24:41,319 and we're sitting here with real pot. 721 00:24:41,361 --> 00:24:43,113 It's here in person. 722 00:24:43,154 --> 00:24:45,156 This could be the day I start being cool. 723 00:24:45,198 --> 00:24:47,534 - Yeah, today is the day you told a girl you had diarrhea. 724 00:24:47,575 --> 00:24:49,202 Don't put too much weight on today. 725 00:24:51,204 --> 00:24:53,623 Wait. Hang on, hang on. - What? 726 00:24:53,665 --> 00:24:55,709 - Well, you and me have been best friends 727 00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:57,377 like our whole lives. 728 00:24:57,419 --> 00:25:00,213 We're about to get high together for the first time. 729 00:25:00,255 --> 00:25:01,339 - Yeah, so? 730 00:25:01,381 --> 00:25:03,466 - Let's do this right. 731 00:25:03,508 --> 00:25:05,301 [formal drumbeat] 732 00:25:05,343 --> 00:25:08,263 [upbeat jazz music] 733 00:25:08,304 --> 00:25:15,228 * * 734 00:25:18,940 --> 00:25:20,275 - Should we say grace? 735 00:25:20,316 --> 00:25:21,234 - Oh, yeah, good idea. 736 00:25:23,069 --> 00:25:24,279 Hello, God. 737 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,324 It's me, Ted, one of your weirder creations. 738 00:25:28,366 --> 00:25:30,285 Sorry about what I said today. 739 00:25:30,326 --> 00:25:32,162 Not that your deacons aren't attractive, 740 00:25:32,203 --> 00:25:35,331 but I'm saving my mouth for marriage. 741 00:25:35,373 --> 00:25:38,376 Let us not be so high that we have to call an ambulance. 742 00:25:38,418 --> 00:25:39,502 Amen. 743 00:25:39,544 --> 00:25:40,670 - Amen. 744 00:25:41,504 --> 00:25:42,630 OK. 745 00:25:44,299 --> 00:25:46,217 Let there be light. 746 00:25:51,723 --> 00:25:54,642 [War's "Low Rider"] 747 00:25:54,684 --> 00:25:57,896 * * 748 00:25:57,937 --> 00:26:01,066 [upbeat funky music] 749 00:26:01,107 --> 00:26:05,195 * * 750 00:26:05,236 --> 00:26:09,240 - * All my friends know the low rider * 751 00:26:09,282 --> 00:26:11,785 * * 752 00:26:11,826 --> 00:26:16,122 * The low rider is a little higher * 753 00:26:16,164 --> 00:26:23,129 * * 754 00:26:29,469 --> 00:26:34,516 [both vocalizing poorly] 755 00:26:34,557 --> 00:26:35,767 - Yeah. 756 00:26:35,809 --> 00:26:40,105 [both vocalizing poorly] 757 00:26:40,146 --> 00:26:41,606 - Hell yeah, man. 758 00:26:41,648 --> 00:26:45,151 [both vocalizing poorly] 759 00:26:47,821 --> 00:26:49,531 - I was so fucking hungry. 760 00:26:49,572 --> 00:26:51,199 - I was so hungry too. - Mm-hmm. 761 00:26:51,241 --> 00:26:52,367 - It's so weird. 762 00:26:52,409 --> 00:26:54,452 You know, this is like the perfect food 763 00:26:54,494 --> 00:26:55,829 for the perfect night. 764 00:26:55,870 --> 00:26:58,748 - Yeah, like who invented food? That guy rocks. 765 00:26:58,790 --> 00:27:01,626 - Well, if I knew you guys were going to get so gussied up, 766 00:27:01,668 --> 00:27:03,128 I would have made something fancier. 767 00:27:03,169 --> 00:27:06,047 - No, Mom. This is perfect. 768 00:27:06,089 --> 00:27:07,632 These are perfect Steak-Umms. 769 00:27:07,674 --> 00:27:09,592 - The perfect Steak-Umm. 770 00:27:09,634 --> 00:27:12,637 It's right here. Just--just feel it. 771 00:27:12,679 --> 00:27:13,847 [sighs] 772 00:27:13,888 --> 00:27:15,682 - I can feel your love in this, Ma. 773 00:27:15,724 --> 00:27:18,643 - I'm so happy you love it so much. 774 00:27:18,685 --> 00:27:20,103 - Jesus, you guys are acting like 775 00:27:20,145 --> 00:27:22,230 it's today's special at Legal Sea Food. 776 00:27:22,272 --> 00:27:24,482 It's fine. 777 00:27:24,524 --> 00:27:27,277 - I think it's delicious, Suze. 778 00:27:27,318 --> 00:27:29,112 - Can you guys believe 779 00:27:29,154 --> 00:27:31,156 that we're just, like, we're sitting here, 780 00:27:31,197 --> 00:27:33,825 and we're, like, having an experience 781 00:27:33,867 --> 00:27:36,661 and experiencing reality all at once. 782 00:27:36,703 --> 00:27:38,288 - Hey, Susan. 783 00:27:38,329 --> 00:27:41,666 Susan, I just wanna say you have found your haircut. 784 00:27:41,708 --> 00:27:43,376 - What, you think so? 785 00:27:43,418 --> 00:27:44,627 - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 786 00:27:44,669 --> 00:27:47,172 You could ride this to 70, and you'd be fine. 787 00:27:47,213 --> 00:27:50,925 - Well, I just took a picture of Tipper Gore into the salon, 788 00:27:50,967 --> 00:27:53,178 and I said, now, I know it can't be like that, 789 00:27:53,219 --> 00:27:55,347 but try to get it as close as you can. 790 00:27:55,388 --> 00:27:57,474 And so well, uh-- 791 00:27:57,515 --> 00:27:59,601 - Tipper Gore should bring in a picture of you. 792 00:27:59,642 --> 00:28:00,935 - Stop it. 793 00:28:00,977 --> 00:28:04,981 [laughing] This night. 794 00:28:05,023 --> 00:28:08,026 - Is there a fucking gas leak or something? 795 00:28:11,821 --> 00:28:13,239 - It's funny. 796 00:28:13,281 --> 00:28:14,324 I ate all those Steak-Umms, and I'm still hungry. 797 00:28:14,366 --> 00:28:16,493 - Oh, fuck. These are so good. 798 00:28:16,534 --> 00:28:17,869 - So good. 799 00:28:17,911 --> 00:28:19,537 - And look at the intricate carvings. 800 00:28:19,579 --> 00:28:21,164 - Yeah. 801 00:28:21,206 --> 00:28:22,707 Yeah, is this some Illuminati shit? 802 00:28:22,749 --> 00:28:23,958 - That's what I've heard. 803 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,836 Like, if you can decipher what's on an Oreo, 804 00:28:26,878 --> 00:28:28,755 you can know the mind of God. 805 00:28:28,797 --> 00:28:30,840 - I heard no two Oreos are alike. 806 00:28:30,882 --> 00:28:32,467 - Hey. 807 00:28:32,509 --> 00:28:34,427 What a great conversation. 808 00:28:35,970 --> 00:28:37,138 - I fucking knew it. 809 00:28:37,180 --> 00:28:38,765 - Oh, shit! - Hi, Blaire. 810 00:28:38,807 --> 00:28:40,266 - You guys are stoned. 811 00:28:40,308 --> 00:28:42,060 - Look, Blaire, Blaire, it's a little more complicated. 812 00:28:42,102 --> 00:28:44,562 - No, you fucking swore it was just for you. 813 00:28:44,604 --> 00:28:45,814 - All right. OK. 814 00:28:45,855 --> 00:28:47,399 I didn't wanna have to resort to this. 815 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:48,858 [squeaky voice] I love you. 816 00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:50,902 See? Now you're not mad at me anymore. 817 00:28:50,944 --> 00:28:52,612 - And fuck you, by the way. 818 00:28:52,654 --> 00:28:53,738 I've been trying for two weeks 819 00:28:53,780 --> 00:28:55,073 to get Susan to fix that haircut. 820 00:28:55,115 --> 00:28:57,075 - Blaire, listen. It's my fault. 821 00:28:57,117 --> 00:28:58,827 He tried to say no, and I pressured him. 822 00:28:58,868 --> 00:29:00,412 - No, no, no. You're 16, all right? 823 00:29:00,453 --> 00:29:02,414 He's a talking teddy bear. It's his fucking fault. 824 00:29:02,455 --> 00:29:04,416 - OK, look, look, look. I think if we all just take 825 00:29:04,457 --> 00:29:07,043 a couple of deep breaths here and just try-- 826 00:29:08,211 --> 00:29:09,337 - Fuck! 827 00:29:17,762 --> 00:29:19,431 Ted? 828 00:29:19,472 --> 00:29:21,433 Come on, where the hell are you? I just want to talk. 829 00:29:21,474 --> 00:29:23,977 - Yeah, bullshit! 830 00:29:24,019 --> 00:29:25,353 - How the hell did you get up there? 831 00:29:25,395 --> 00:29:26,604 - Climbed the drainpipe. 832 00:29:26,646 --> 00:29:28,773 - OK, well, why don't you come on down here 833 00:29:28,815 --> 00:29:30,358 and we can discuss the situation? 834 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,027 - No, 'cause you're gonna come at me. 835 00:29:32,068 --> 00:29:33,611 - I-I'm not. I promise. 836 00:29:33,653 --> 00:29:34,821 - It wasn't my fault. 837 00:29:34,863 --> 00:29:37,532 - Oh, my God, your boy, he's on the roof! 838 00:29:37,574 --> 00:29:38,867 - It's all right, Mrs. Fechko. 839 00:29:38,908 --> 00:29:40,535 - I'll call the fire department! 840 00:29:40,577 --> 00:29:41,995 - That's really not necessary. 841 00:29:42,037 --> 00:29:43,830 - But your son, he's gonna fall! 842 00:29:43,872 --> 00:29:45,498 - He's not. 843 00:29:45,540 --> 00:29:46,624 Yeah, there's a lot here 844 00:29:46,666 --> 00:29:48,334 you're not understanding, Mrs. Fechhko. 845 00:29:48,376 --> 00:29:50,295 - For God's sake, you've been listening to the news? 846 00:29:50,336 --> 00:29:52,505 Eisenhower says we all gotta stay inside! 847 00:29:52,547 --> 00:29:54,466 - Oh, my God! 848 00:29:54,507 --> 00:29:57,093 [door slams] - Ted, get down here, OK? 849 00:29:57,135 --> 00:29:58,720 I'm not gonna talk to you like this. 850 00:29:58,762 --> 00:29:59,846 - Yeah, well, tough shit. 851 00:29:59,888 --> 00:30:01,097 I'm gonna live up here from now on. 852 00:30:01,139 --> 00:30:02,682 - That's insane. You're insane. 853 00:30:02,724 --> 00:30:04,100 - No, I'm not. 854 00:30:04,142 --> 00:30:06,436 I'll get Johnny to bring me food and maybe even soil 855 00:30:06,478 --> 00:30:08,480 so I can grow crops right here in the rain gutter. 856 00:30:08,521 --> 00:30:10,690 And if the weather's temperate, by harvest season, 857 00:30:10,732 --> 00:30:11,858 I'll be able to-- 858 00:30:12,817 --> 00:30:14,027 Fuck! 859 00:30:15,695 --> 00:30:17,697 - OK, you little shit, you are in a lot of trouble. 860 00:30:17,739 --> 00:30:18,782 - Look, it was-- 861 00:30:18,823 --> 00:30:20,158 - You gave pot to a 16-year-old. 862 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,951 I mean, what the fuck were you thinking? 863 00:30:21,993 --> 00:30:23,495 - Well, on the bright side, he loved it. 864 00:30:23,536 --> 00:30:25,080 - I sold that pot to you. 865 00:30:25,121 --> 00:30:26,247 - Yeah, you were wrong to do that. 866 00:30:26,289 --> 00:30:27,707 - You do realize I am now responsible 867 00:30:27,749 --> 00:30:30,210 for introducing drugs to my underage cousin? 868 00:30:30,251 --> 00:30:31,753 I could be in really deep shit here. 869 00:30:31,795 --> 00:30:33,963 - Boy, it must be cool being this tall all the time. 870 00:30:34,005 --> 00:30:35,924 - Get rid of that weed or so help me God, 871 00:30:35,965 --> 00:30:37,217 you are going in the fucking dryer. 872 00:30:37,258 --> 00:30:38,843 - Oh, big deal. I've been in dryers. 873 00:30:38,885 --> 00:30:40,011 - I'll put you in a Matty load. 874 00:30:40,053 --> 00:30:41,179 - OK, fuck. I'll do it. I'll do it. 875 00:30:43,014 --> 00:30:45,934 [upbeat jazz music] 876 00:30:45,975 --> 00:30:49,562 * * 877 00:30:49,604 --> 00:30:51,523 OK. So we plant the weed in my locker. 878 00:30:51,564 --> 00:30:53,441 Then you go to the principal and rat me out. 879 00:30:53,483 --> 00:30:56,152 She searches my locker, and boom, it's back to Plinko. 880 00:30:56,194 --> 00:30:58,113 - All right. - Not yet, not yet. 881 00:30:58,154 --> 00:30:59,322 We gotta wait till the bell rings. 882 00:30:59,364 --> 00:31:01,658 - Yeah, sorry. - Just act normal. 883 00:31:01,700 --> 00:31:03,034 Right now, we're just two guys 884 00:31:03,076 --> 00:31:04,661 standing here, having a conversation. 885 00:31:04,703 --> 00:31:05,912 - Yeah. 886 00:31:05,954 --> 00:31:07,372 About what? 887 00:31:07,414 --> 00:31:10,458 - I don't know. Uh, what's the last movie you saw? 888 00:31:10,500 --> 00:31:12,961 - Uh, "Alive." - Which one's that? 889 00:31:13,002 --> 00:31:15,380 - Oh, it's the one where the rugby team crashes 890 00:31:15,422 --> 00:31:18,133 in the Andes in the '70s and they ran out of food, 891 00:31:18,174 --> 00:31:19,259 so they had to eat each other. 892 00:31:19,300 --> 00:31:21,803 - You're kidding. - No, it's a true story. 893 00:31:21,845 --> 00:31:24,431 - Like--like, eat each other alive like they're trading? 894 00:31:24,472 --> 00:31:26,474 Like, you give me your hand, I give you my foot? 895 00:31:26,516 --> 00:31:27,726 - No, no. 896 00:31:27,767 --> 00:31:29,269 It's like some of the guys died in the crash, 897 00:31:29,310 --> 00:31:31,062 and then the ones that survived had to eat the dead guys. 898 00:31:31,104 --> 00:31:34,107 - Oh, man. Yeah, I--I couldn't do that. 899 00:31:34,149 --> 00:31:36,067 - Me neither, man. 900 00:31:36,109 --> 00:31:37,902 Plus, it's all dudes, so it's even worse. 901 00:31:37,944 --> 00:31:39,821 - Yeah--what? 902 00:31:39,863 --> 00:31:41,197 - It's all dudes, you know? 903 00:31:41,239 --> 00:31:43,575 You're eating guys. It's like double gross. 904 00:31:43,616 --> 00:31:45,076 - Well, I mean--I mean, 905 00:31:45,118 --> 00:31:47,829 I would think it would be objectionable across the board. 906 00:31:47,871 --> 00:31:51,416 - No, no. Yeah, it would. It's just like a hat on a hat. 907 00:31:51,458 --> 00:31:53,668 - So if you were on a plane that crashed 908 00:31:53,710 --> 00:31:56,504 and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton were on it too, 909 00:31:56,546 --> 00:31:58,256 and they died and you survived, 910 00:31:58,298 --> 00:31:59,549 who would you eat first? 911 00:31:59,591 --> 00:32:01,217 - Am I the only other person on the plane? 912 00:32:01,259 --> 00:32:02,469 - Yeah. - What about the pilots? 913 00:32:02,510 --> 00:32:04,262 - It's an experimental aircraft, all automated. 914 00:32:04,304 --> 00:32:05,638 - Well, maybe that's why it went down. 915 00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:07,390 - But the technology still needed more study, yes, 916 00:32:07,432 --> 00:32:08,850 but the Pentagon was getting impatient 917 00:32:08,892 --> 00:32:10,852 and they wanted results, so they pushed up the launch. 918 00:32:10,894 --> 00:32:12,687 - Wait, why wouldn't they have a seasoned flight crew on board 919 00:32:12,729 --> 00:32:13,813 instead of two actors? 920 00:32:13,855 --> 00:32:15,273 - Oscar-winningactors. 921 00:32:15,315 --> 00:32:17,067 - Fair enough. - These are taxpayer dollars. 922 00:32:17,108 --> 00:32:18,151 They need the public's interest 923 00:32:18,193 --> 00:32:19,652 or support for the funding dries up. 924 00:32:19,694 --> 00:32:21,738 - Wait, since when does the military need public support 925 00:32:21,780 --> 00:32:23,281 to fund experimental aircraft? 926 00:32:23,323 --> 00:32:25,116 - Would you eat Tom Hanks or Diane Keaton? 927 00:32:25,158 --> 00:32:26,284 - I'd start with Diane 928 00:32:26,326 --> 00:32:27,202 and then if I didn't get rescued, 929 00:32:27,243 --> 00:32:28,411 I'd move on to Tom. 930 00:32:28,453 --> 00:32:29,579 - Yeah, see? 931 00:32:29,621 --> 00:32:30,789 I think it's weird that you have an opinion 932 00:32:30,830 --> 00:32:31,790 one way or the other. 933 00:32:31,831 --> 00:32:33,416 [bell ringing] 934 00:32:33,458 --> 00:32:35,043 OK. Here we go. Let me have it. 935 00:32:38,838 --> 00:32:41,174 - Man, we really put a dent in this thing, didn't we? 936 00:32:41,216 --> 00:32:43,176 - Whoa. What have we got here? 937 00:32:43,218 --> 00:32:44,260 - Oh, shit. 938 00:32:44,302 --> 00:32:45,804 - Bennett, you partake? 939 00:32:45,845 --> 00:32:46,805 - Give it back, Clive. 940 00:32:46,846 --> 00:32:48,473 - John Bennett gets high. 941 00:32:48,515 --> 00:32:50,684 Maybe you're not as much of a pussy as I thought. 942 00:32:50,725 --> 00:32:52,352 - That is a very important bag of weed. 943 00:32:52,394 --> 00:32:53,853 - Now, I know where to get a free buzz. 944 00:32:53,895 --> 00:32:54,979 Thanks, Bud. 945 00:32:55,021 --> 00:32:56,189 [locker crashes loudly] 946 00:32:56,231 --> 00:32:57,649 [bullies laugh] - God damn it, Clive. 947 00:32:57,691 --> 00:32:58,900 We need that weed! 948 00:32:58,942 --> 00:33:01,027 [Ted yells] 949 00:33:01,069 --> 00:33:02,153 - Teddy! 950 00:33:02,195 --> 00:33:04,072 - Shit. - Teddy, are you OK? 951 00:33:04,114 --> 00:33:05,448 [Ted groans] 952 00:33:05,490 --> 00:33:07,158 - What the hell are you two doing out here? 953 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:09,327 Get to class now. 954 00:33:09,369 --> 00:33:13,331 - Um, "227" sucks balls and so do you. 955 00:33:15,417 --> 00:33:17,168 OK, now, you know I didn't mean that. 956 00:33:17,210 --> 00:33:19,170 I just needed a reason to be dragged in here. 957 00:33:19,212 --> 00:33:21,339 - Look, you can trash-talk me, Ted, 958 00:33:21,381 --> 00:33:23,800 but nobody throws shade at Pearl Shay. 959 00:33:23,842 --> 00:33:25,218 - Yes. I apologize. 960 00:33:25,260 --> 00:33:27,303 We have all benefited from her windowsill wisdom. 961 00:33:27,345 --> 00:33:28,638 She is a national treasure. 962 00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:30,890 But listen, you gotta kick me out of school. 963 00:33:30,932 --> 00:33:32,559 - Ted, I already told you. 964 00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:33,852 - I have weed. 965 00:33:33,893 --> 00:33:35,103 - What? 966 00:33:35,145 --> 00:33:36,104 - I am in possession of marijuana 967 00:33:36,146 --> 00:33:37,605 here on school premises. 968 00:33:37,647 --> 00:33:39,190 - May I see it? 969 00:33:39,232 --> 00:33:41,860 - Well, I--I lost it. 970 00:33:41,901 --> 00:33:43,069 - You lost it? 971 00:33:43,111 --> 00:33:44,863 - Yeah, but--but he had weed, all right? 972 00:33:44,904 --> 00:33:46,031 I'm a witness. 973 00:33:46,072 --> 00:33:47,449 - I would need to see the marijuana 974 00:33:47,490 --> 00:33:49,159 for there to be consequences. 975 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:50,535 - Look, we are telling you the truth. 976 00:33:50,577 --> 00:33:52,495 - Yeah, I'm a bad seed. See? Look. 977 00:33:52,537 --> 00:33:53,580 [squeaky voice] I love you. 978 00:33:53,621 --> 00:33:54,581 Drugs! 979 00:33:54,622 --> 00:33:55,623 I love drugs. 980 00:33:55,665 --> 00:33:56,916 - I'm sorry, boys. 981 00:33:56,958 --> 00:33:58,877 I can't just take your word that you have pot. 982 00:33:58,918 --> 00:34:01,254 - Ah, this is bullshit, man. I'm getting railroaded. 983 00:34:01,296 --> 00:34:02,881 - All right, look, Clive has it, all right? 984 00:34:02,922 --> 00:34:04,174 Go check. - Clive? 985 00:34:04,215 --> 00:34:05,675 - Yeah. 986 00:34:05,717 --> 00:34:07,594 - Well then, if Clive has it, he's the one in trouble. 987 00:34:07,635 --> 00:34:10,138 - No, no. It's not his weed. He was just holding it for me. 988 00:34:10,180 --> 00:34:11,931 - OK. We're done here. 989 00:34:11,973 --> 00:34:13,308 - All right. It's OK. 990 00:34:13,350 --> 00:34:15,894 This motherfucking bear's got a backup plan. 991 00:34:15,935 --> 00:34:18,897 [mellow jazz music] 992 00:34:18,938 --> 00:34:22,734 * * 993 00:34:22,776 --> 00:34:23,860 All right, it's clear. 994 00:34:25,362 --> 00:34:27,447 - Teddy, I don't like this. It's stealing. 995 00:34:27,489 --> 00:34:29,407 - What am I supposed to do? Just ask her for it? 996 00:34:29,449 --> 00:34:31,493 She'll shove me in the dryer with Matty's clothes. 997 00:34:31,534 --> 00:34:32,660 - Well, how bad could that be? 998 00:34:32,702 --> 00:34:35,246 - Matty changed his pants during dinner. 999 00:34:35,288 --> 00:34:36,414 - Yeah, that's bad. 1000 00:34:36,456 --> 00:34:37,791 - All right, let's find it. 1001 00:34:42,962 --> 00:34:44,673 - Jesus. - What? 1002 00:34:44,714 --> 00:34:47,592 - There's a whole drawer here that's just cans of tuna. 1003 00:34:47,634 --> 00:34:48,593 - How sad. 1004 00:34:50,261 --> 00:34:51,346 Wait. Wait. 1005 00:34:51,388 --> 00:34:52,639 Oh, fuck yeah. 1006 00:34:52,681 --> 00:34:55,100 - You found it? - Jackpot. 1007 00:34:55,141 --> 00:34:56,267 - Great. Let's go. 1008 00:34:56,726 --> 00:34:59,396 [approaching indistinct chatter] 1009 00:34:59,437 --> 00:35:00,689 Fuck. - Shit. 1010 00:35:00,730 --> 00:35:02,023 - Let's go in here. 1011 00:35:02,065 --> 00:35:04,943 [approaching indistinct chatter] 1012 00:35:04,984 --> 00:35:06,778 - All the way over and dances. 1013 00:35:06,820 --> 00:35:08,029 - Hang on a sec. 1014 00:35:08,071 --> 00:35:09,447 I think I have a pack around here somewhere. 1015 00:35:09,489 --> 00:35:11,449 - Oh, thank you so much. 1016 00:35:11,491 --> 00:35:14,077 The CVS only had the men's razors, 1017 00:35:14,119 --> 00:35:17,539 and I think those are only for faces. 1018 00:35:17,580 --> 00:35:19,457 - There you go. - Thank you. 1019 00:35:19,499 --> 00:35:20,875 - You know, it's the '90s, Aunt Suze. 1020 00:35:20,917 --> 00:35:23,211 You can go without shaving your legs if you want. 1021 00:35:23,253 --> 00:35:27,007 - Oh. [laughs] 1022 00:35:27,048 --> 00:35:28,383 When I was in high school, 1023 00:35:28,425 --> 00:35:31,177 I used to forget sometimes and I'd get made fun of. 1024 00:35:31,219 --> 00:35:33,096 - Oh, really? I hate that. 1025 00:35:33,138 --> 00:35:35,807 - It's probably why I'm so self-conscious about it. 1026 00:35:35,849 --> 00:35:38,393 [sighs] 1027 00:35:38,435 --> 00:35:41,062 Can I ask you something? 1028 00:35:41,104 --> 00:35:43,523 - Yeah, sure. Anything. 1029 00:35:43,565 --> 00:35:45,525 - One of the girls who used to make fun of me, 1030 00:35:45,567 --> 00:35:48,278 her name was Margie Cronin. 1031 00:35:48,319 --> 00:35:51,156 She used to call me Sasquatch. 1032 00:35:51,197 --> 00:35:53,825 She was so mean to me in school, 1033 00:35:53,867 --> 00:35:57,620 and afterward, we didn't see each other for a long time. 1034 00:35:57,662 --> 00:35:59,622 And then about a year ago, 1035 00:35:59,664 --> 00:36:02,667 I saw in the flatware department at Bradley's. 1036 00:36:02,709 --> 00:36:05,920 And I saw that she'd lost a hand. 1037 00:36:05,962 --> 00:36:09,799 And I was so happy about it. 1038 00:36:09,841 --> 00:36:12,218 Does it make me a terrible person? 1039 00:36:12,260 --> 00:36:15,305 - I don't--I don't think so. 1040 00:36:15,347 --> 00:36:17,891 - Because I felt so awful about my feelings. 1041 00:36:17,932 --> 00:36:20,685 And I went to confession and Father O'Neill said, 1042 00:36:20,727 --> 00:36:23,980 "Well, God wouldn't approve of that." 1043 00:36:24,022 --> 00:36:27,233 Maybe this Christmas I should make her a mitten. 1044 00:36:27,275 --> 00:36:28,860 - Uh, maybe. 1045 00:36:28,902 --> 00:36:30,612 - With a pretty, little card that says, 1046 00:36:30,653 --> 00:36:32,530 "I'm sorry for your hand." 1047 00:36:32,572 --> 00:36:34,824 - I would just let that one lie. 1048 00:36:34,866 --> 00:36:37,285 [skittering] 1049 00:36:37,327 --> 00:36:38,995 [both yell briefly] 1050 00:36:39,037 --> 00:36:40,705 - What was that noise? 1051 00:36:40,747 --> 00:36:42,415 - I think someone's in the closet. 1052 00:36:44,584 --> 00:36:46,002 - W-w-what's that? - It's Mace. 1053 00:36:46,044 --> 00:36:47,379 Just be careful. 1054 00:36:50,548 --> 00:36:53,677 [all screaming] 1055 00:36:53,718 --> 00:36:55,303 both: Fuck! - What the fuck? 1056 00:36:55,345 --> 00:36:56,554 - Oh, it burns! 1057 00:36:56,596 --> 00:36:58,223 - Why the fuck do you have Mace? 1058 00:36:58,264 --> 00:36:59,724 - Why the fuck are you in my closet? 1059 00:36:59,766 --> 00:37:01,559 - What, do you protect your tuna collection with that? 1060 00:37:01,601 --> 00:37:02,644 - Answer the question. 1061 00:37:02,686 --> 00:37:04,562 - Why do you have the fucking tuna? 1062 00:37:04,604 --> 00:37:06,606 Are you scared to eat our food? What is it? 1063 00:37:06,648 --> 00:37:07,982 - Answer my question. 1064 00:37:08,024 --> 00:37:10,068 [Ted screaming] - Teddy! Teddy, where are you? 1065 00:37:10,110 --> 00:37:11,069 - Oh, my God. 1066 00:37:11,111 --> 00:37:13,238 Uh, is that mary-ja-wana? 1067 00:37:13,279 --> 00:37:14,531 - Oh, shit. 1068 00:37:14,572 --> 00:37:16,157 - What are you doing with drugs? 1069 00:37:16,199 --> 00:37:17,242 - Aunt Suze. 1070 00:37:17,283 --> 00:37:19,202 [Johnny and Ted screaming] 1071 00:37:19,244 --> 00:37:20,954 This is my fault. 1072 00:37:20,995 --> 00:37:22,789 [Johnny wailing] 1073 00:37:23,581 --> 00:37:25,500 - We opened our home to you. 1074 00:37:25,542 --> 00:37:27,752 We let you stay here in our house 1075 00:37:27,794 --> 00:37:29,254 so you could go to that goddamn school. 1076 00:37:29,295 --> 00:37:32,507 - I know, Uncle Matty. And believe me, I am so sorry. 1077 00:37:32,549 --> 00:37:35,093 - And you pay us back by dealing drugs to our son? 1078 00:37:35,135 --> 00:37:37,554 - I never wanted John to get involved, I promise you. 1079 00:37:37,595 --> 00:37:38,763 I sold the pot to Ted. 1080 00:37:38,805 --> 00:37:40,432 - I never should have let Johnny try it. 1081 00:37:40,473 --> 00:37:42,600 I have failed in my role as a--a-- 1082 00:37:42,642 --> 00:37:44,894 a sort of Jiminy Cricket figure. 1083 00:37:44,936 --> 00:37:46,354 - I don't know what the big deal is. 1084 00:37:46,396 --> 00:37:48,314 You know, weed's gonna be legal in like a year anyway. 1085 00:37:48,356 --> 00:37:51,609 - It's a gateway drug! They talk about it on the news! 1086 00:37:51,651 --> 00:37:52,861 - Well, what are we supposed to do? 1087 00:37:52,902 --> 00:37:54,320 Start with heroin? 1088 00:37:54,362 --> 00:37:58,116 - Well, why in God's name are you dealing drugs at all? 1089 00:37:58,158 --> 00:38:01,578 - My friend, Sarah and I, we grow it in her apartment, 1090 00:38:01,619 --> 00:38:04,873 and we're using the money to help pay for tuition. 1091 00:38:04,914 --> 00:38:06,458 - Well, you--you can't work at McDonald's? 1092 00:38:06,499 --> 00:38:07,959 - It's 15k a year, Matty. 1093 00:38:08,001 --> 00:38:09,919 I'd have to sell myself at McDonald's. 1094 00:38:09,961 --> 00:38:11,880 - Oh, you could call it Filet-O-Flesh. 1095 00:38:11,921 --> 00:38:13,006 Is that something? 1096 00:38:13,048 --> 00:38:14,341 - She won't even work, and here we are 1097 00:38:14,382 --> 00:38:15,592 putting her up out of the goodness of our hearts! 1098 00:38:15,633 --> 00:38:17,052 - Egg McFuckin', maybe? 1099 00:38:17,093 --> 00:38:18,970 - The goodness of your hearts and a monthly rent check. 1100 00:38:19,012 --> 00:38:20,430 - A Quarter To Pound Her? 1101 00:38:20,472 --> 00:38:22,140 I--should I stop? I feel like there's no traction here. 1102 00:38:22,182 --> 00:38:23,558 - Matty? 1103 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,226 You're charging her rent? 1104 00:38:25,268 --> 00:38:26,644 - Yes, I am. 1105 00:38:26,686 --> 00:38:29,064 This is my house. I got the right to charge rent. 1106 00:38:29,105 --> 00:38:30,648 - But, Matty, she's family. 1107 00:38:30,690 --> 00:38:32,108 - Susan. - She's our niece. 1108 00:38:32,150 --> 00:38:33,860 - Susan, will you be quiet and let me handle this? 1109 00:38:33,902 --> 00:38:35,820 - Hey, don't talk to her like that. 1110 00:38:35,862 --> 00:38:37,072 - Excuse me? 1111 00:38:37,113 --> 00:38:38,198 - You do this all the time. 1112 00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:39,866 You silence her voice, you belittle her, 1113 00:38:39,908 --> 00:38:42,452 you cut her down, you treat her like shit. 1114 00:38:42,494 --> 00:38:43,703 - I do not. 1115 00:38:43,745 --> 00:38:46,164 I love my fucking wife, and she knows it. 1116 00:38:46,206 --> 00:38:47,415 Don't you, Susan? 1117 00:38:47,457 --> 00:38:49,584 - I can't believe you'd make her pay rent. 1118 00:38:49,626 --> 00:38:51,836 - Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one in the hot seat here. 1119 00:38:51,878 --> 00:38:54,506 She's a drug dealer, and I want her out of this house tonight. 1120 00:38:54,547 --> 00:38:55,674 - Matty, please. 1121 00:38:55,715 --> 00:38:58,385 - End of discussion! Tonight! 1122 00:38:58,426 --> 00:39:00,387 - Come on. Wait. 1123 00:39:05,475 --> 00:39:09,104 Christie! That was the Black Barbie's name. 1124 00:39:15,568 --> 00:39:18,488 [downbeat jazz music] 1125 00:39:18,530 --> 00:39:25,662 * * 1126 00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:33,837 - Hey, Blaire, uh, can we talk to you for a sec? 1127 00:39:33,878 --> 00:39:35,088 - Sure. 1128 00:39:35,130 --> 00:39:37,549 Got a couple minutes before I become homeless. 1129 00:39:37,590 --> 00:39:41,344 - Hey, listen, Blaire. Uh, I'm really sorry. 1130 00:39:41,386 --> 00:39:42,721 - Me too. 1131 00:39:42,762 --> 00:39:45,432 - Yeah, well, it's a little late for that. 1132 00:39:45,473 --> 00:39:47,517 - We didn't want you to have to leave. 1133 00:39:47,559 --> 00:39:50,186 Even if your bed is the size of a pool table. 1134 00:39:50,228 --> 00:39:51,146 I mean, that's probably about 1135 00:39:51,187 --> 00:39:52,147 the size of a pool table, right? 1136 00:39:52,188 --> 00:39:54,315 - Shut the fuck up, Teddy. 1137 00:39:54,357 --> 00:39:56,609 Look, we know you're mad because Dad gave you the boot. 1138 00:39:56,651 --> 00:39:58,903 But-- - Yeah, that's not why I'm mad. 1139 00:39:58,945 --> 00:40:02,240 You have no idea why I'm mad. 1140 00:40:02,282 --> 00:40:05,535 Do you know all the details of why I've been living here 1141 00:40:05,577 --> 00:40:08,455 when my own family lives 45 minutes away? 1142 00:40:08,496 --> 00:40:09,998 I could easily commute to school, 1143 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:14,586 but my family is fucked, every one of them. 1144 00:40:14,627 --> 00:40:17,672 In case you don't get the scope of things, 1145 00:40:17,714 --> 00:40:21,134 my dad, your Uncle Bernie, is a drunk and an asshole, 1146 00:40:21,176 --> 00:40:24,637 my mom's a psycho lunatic, and my brother's in prison. 1147 00:40:24,679 --> 00:40:26,473 - Jesus. What about your dog? 1148 00:40:26,514 --> 00:40:27,474 - Dead. 1149 00:40:27,515 --> 00:40:28,767 - Fuck. 1150 00:40:28,808 --> 00:40:30,769 - Mom and Dad are lost causes, but... 1151 00:40:30,810 --> 00:40:34,272 I tried so hard to protect Kevin. 1152 00:40:34,314 --> 00:40:36,107 And I couldn't. 1153 00:40:36,149 --> 00:40:38,651 He's his parents' son, so now he's serving ten years 1154 00:40:38,693 --> 00:40:40,695 for robbing a Mrs. Fields at gunpoint 1155 00:40:40,737 --> 00:40:42,113 andpossession of crack. 1156 00:40:42,155 --> 00:40:44,157 - Well, I mean, Mrs. Fields and crack. 1157 00:40:44,199 --> 00:40:45,617 It's like what's the difference, right? 1158 00:40:45,658 --> 00:40:47,160 [Ted chuckles awkwardly] 1159 00:40:47,202 --> 00:40:48,370 Please, continue. 1160 00:40:48,411 --> 00:40:50,038 - Look, I just-- 1161 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,665 I don't want the same thing to happen to you. 1162 00:40:52,707 --> 00:40:54,793 And when I moved here, I told myself 1163 00:40:54,834 --> 00:40:56,920 that I was gonna look after you 1164 00:40:56,961 --> 00:40:59,130 and make sure the fucked up Bennett DNA 1165 00:40:59,172 --> 00:41:00,715 didn't get to you too. 1166 00:41:00,757 --> 00:41:02,926 And instead, I introduced you 1167 00:41:02,967 --> 00:41:05,720 to the wonderful world of drugs. 1168 00:41:05,762 --> 00:41:10,767 I'm not mad at you, all right? I'm mad at myself. 1169 00:41:10,809 --> 00:41:13,144 - Look, Blaire, I-- 1170 00:41:13,186 --> 00:41:16,606 I never expected you to look out for me like that. 1171 00:41:16,648 --> 00:41:21,361 - Just take care of yourself, all right? 1172 00:41:21,403 --> 00:41:23,363 Our family is poison. 1173 00:41:23,405 --> 00:41:26,157 Do better than them. 1174 00:41:26,199 --> 00:41:28,493 - Where you gonna go? 1175 00:41:28,535 --> 00:41:30,620 - Stay with Sarah for a few weeks. 1176 00:41:30,662 --> 00:41:32,539 There's an open spot near the sativa. 1177 00:41:32,580 --> 00:41:36,793 But after that, I don't know. 1178 00:41:39,212 --> 00:41:40,714 See you. 1179 00:41:45,552 --> 00:41:48,722 [fading footsteps] 1180 00:41:50,306 --> 00:41:52,809 - God, Lori Loughlin's fucking gorgeous. 1181 00:41:52,851 --> 00:41:54,602 That woman can do no wrong. 1182 00:41:54,644 --> 00:41:56,021 - Hey, don't start jerking off. 1183 00:41:56,062 --> 00:41:57,772 - Hey, that poster is not for jerking off. 1184 00:41:57,814 --> 00:42:00,191 It's for imagining being married, you sick fuck. 1185 00:42:00,233 --> 00:42:01,234 - Wow. - Yeah! 1186 00:42:01,276 --> 00:42:03,069 - You--you've imagined the wedding? 1187 00:42:03,111 --> 00:42:04,362 - Well, yeah. 1188 00:42:04,404 --> 00:42:06,114 The cover of "People" magazine's a photo of us, 1189 00:42:06,156 --> 00:42:08,241 and it says, "Who's Loughlin now?" 1190 00:42:08,283 --> 00:42:10,160 - So you took her name? 1191 00:42:10,201 --> 00:42:12,245 - No, no. But they need to sell copies. 1192 00:42:12,287 --> 00:42:14,664 - Well, it's good to know you can be both erect 1193 00:42:14,706 --> 00:42:16,291 and market-savvy. 1194 00:42:16,332 --> 00:42:18,543 - [sighs] Teddy, this whole Blaire situation 1195 00:42:18,585 --> 00:42:19,711 is really shitty. 1196 00:42:19,753 --> 00:42:21,337 - [sighs] Yeah, I know. 1197 00:42:21,379 --> 00:42:23,715 - I mean, I never knew she thought of me that way. 1198 00:42:23,757 --> 00:42:25,592 It's like a little brother. 1199 00:42:25,633 --> 00:42:27,052 I always wanted a brother or a sister, 1200 00:42:27,093 --> 00:42:30,597 and there she was, right there all along. 1201 00:42:30,638 --> 00:42:31,973 - Yeah. 1202 00:42:32,015 --> 00:42:34,142 I guess under all that complaining about racism, 1203 00:42:34,184 --> 00:42:36,478 there's actually a good person in there. 1204 00:42:36,519 --> 00:42:40,065 - Teddy, we gotta do something. I mean, this is our fault. 1205 00:42:40,106 --> 00:42:43,068 Like, maybe I can talk to Dad, get him to change his mind. 1206 00:42:43,109 --> 00:42:44,903 - Yeah, good luck. He's never gonna listen. 1207 00:42:44,944 --> 00:42:45,945 - I mean, we can't just lay here 1208 00:42:45,987 --> 00:42:47,697 and let her get fucked over. 1209 00:42:47,739 --> 00:42:49,616 There's gotta be something we can do. 1210 00:42:49,657 --> 00:42:51,493 - Wait a minute. You know what? 1211 00:42:51,534 --> 00:42:52,869 There is. 1212 00:42:52,911 --> 00:42:56,831 We are gonna open the box. 1213 00:42:56,873 --> 00:43:00,710 [upbeat jazz music] 1214 00:43:00,752 --> 00:43:03,922 [phone ringing] 1215 00:43:03,963 --> 00:43:06,174 - There you go. I'll be right outside. 1216 00:43:06,216 --> 00:43:07,384 Just let me know when you're finished. 1217 00:43:07,425 --> 00:43:08,802 - Thank you. - Thanks. 1218 00:43:11,346 --> 00:43:12,847 - Did you know that 1219 00:43:12,889 --> 00:43:15,892 textile polymers are so thin nowadays that someone could be 1220 00:43:15,934 --> 00:43:19,646 wearing an adult diaper and no one would even know it? 1221 00:43:19,688 --> 00:43:20,730 - What? 1222 00:43:20,772 --> 00:43:21,856 - No bulky padding, 1223 00:43:21,898 --> 00:43:24,067 no unsightly bulges in the trousers. 1224 00:43:24,109 --> 00:43:26,236 - I--I didn't know that. No. 1225 00:43:26,277 --> 00:43:27,362 - It's amazing. 1226 00:43:27,404 --> 00:43:29,864 A person, anyone could be talking to you 1227 00:43:29,906 --> 00:43:33,076 and relieving themselves at the same time. 1228 00:43:33,118 --> 00:43:35,745 And you'd never even know it. [sighs softly] 1229 00:43:35,787 --> 00:43:36,788 - OK. 1230 00:43:36,830 --> 00:43:38,998 - And that's great news. 1231 00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:40,667 - Are you wearing a diaper? 1232 00:43:40,709 --> 00:43:42,544 - No. Don't make this weird. 1233 00:43:42,585 --> 00:43:43,586 - OK. 1234 00:43:43,628 --> 00:43:44,629 - I'm just saying 1235 00:43:44,671 --> 00:43:46,089 the technology has come so far 1236 00:43:46,131 --> 00:43:48,341 that limits practically don't exist. 1237 00:43:48,383 --> 00:43:49,968 It's all about confidence. 1238 00:43:50,010 --> 00:43:51,970 So take that long car ride, 1239 00:43:52,012 --> 00:43:55,306 climb that mountain, have that iced tea refill. 1240 00:43:55,348 --> 00:43:57,017 - We--we will. 1241 00:44:00,395 --> 00:44:03,356 - What limits? 1242 00:44:04,607 --> 00:44:05,900 - Jesus, we gotta switch banks. 1243 00:44:05,942 --> 00:44:07,360 - Yeah, seriously. 1244 00:44:13,616 --> 00:44:14,743 Here it is. 1245 00:44:14,784 --> 00:44:16,036 - Yep. 1246 00:44:16,077 --> 00:44:17,871 - You're sure you wanna do this, right? 1247 00:44:17,912 --> 00:44:19,289 I mean, once Dad finds out you have it, 1248 00:44:19,330 --> 00:44:21,332 there's no going back, like ever. 1249 00:44:21,374 --> 00:44:22,584 He's gonna go nuts. 1250 00:44:22,625 --> 00:44:23,752 - That's why I never told him. 1251 00:44:23,793 --> 00:44:25,170 I guess deep down, 1252 00:44:25,211 --> 00:44:27,339 I was saving it for a day like this 1253 00:44:27,380 --> 00:44:30,508 when the chips were down and all hope seemed lost. 1254 00:44:30,550 --> 00:44:32,093 - OK. 1255 00:44:32,135 --> 00:44:34,012 Good. Let's do it. 1256 00:44:34,054 --> 00:44:36,598 - All right, we're done! 1257 00:44:36,639 --> 00:44:38,016 Sir? 1258 00:44:38,058 --> 00:44:40,727 [keys jingling] - I need you to open box 1080. 1259 00:44:40,769 --> 00:44:42,062 There's a pair of jeans in there! 1260 00:44:42,103 --> 00:44:43,897 - What? - Just do it! 1261 00:44:43,938 --> 00:44:47,067 [insects droning] 1262 00:44:49,944 --> 00:44:51,363 - What, you're just-- you're just not gonna-- 1263 00:44:51,404 --> 00:44:53,823 not gonna talk to me for the rest of your life, huh? 1264 00:44:53,865 --> 00:44:55,742 Is that it? 1265 00:44:55,784 --> 00:44:58,953 Well, you'd-- you've--you've taken 1266 00:44:58,995 --> 00:45:04,042 a--taken a vow of silence, like a--like a monk, huh? 1267 00:45:04,084 --> 00:45:05,960 You're gonna--you're gonna shave your head too? 1268 00:45:06,002 --> 00:45:07,962 'Cause, well, go ahead. 1269 00:45:08,004 --> 00:45:09,214 Go ahead, then you won't-- then you won't-- 1270 00:45:09,255 --> 00:45:11,424 then you won't clog the shower drain. 1271 00:45:15,428 --> 00:45:16,554 What do you guys want? 1272 00:45:16,596 --> 00:45:17,889 - I want to cut a deal. 1273 00:45:17,931 --> 00:45:20,225 - What? What are you talking about? 1274 00:45:20,266 --> 00:45:21,810 - Let me tell you a story, Matty. 1275 00:45:21,851 --> 00:45:23,228 Back when I was in Hollywood, 1276 00:45:23,269 --> 00:45:26,898 I almost made a movie with Sly Stallone. 1277 00:45:26,940 --> 00:45:28,692 - Bullshit. - No bullshit. 1278 00:45:28,733 --> 00:45:30,276 - "Rocky" Stallone? - Yep. 1279 00:45:30,318 --> 00:45:32,362 He came to me with a project and I said yes. 1280 00:45:32,404 --> 00:45:34,531 It was gonna be about this astronaut cop 1281 00:45:34,572 --> 00:45:36,282 and this wisecracking bear. 1282 00:45:36,324 --> 00:45:37,534 I was the bear. 1283 00:45:37,575 --> 00:45:39,744 And they gotta go to space to save Christmas, 1284 00:45:39,786 --> 00:45:41,121 but then the "Challenger" exploded, 1285 00:45:41,162 --> 00:45:42,789 so they had to scrap the project. 1286 00:45:42,831 --> 00:45:44,666 - Oh, man, what a bummer. 1287 00:45:44,708 --> 00:45:46,042 - I know, right? 1288 00:45:46,084 --> 00:45:47,168 I mean, that's when America could have used 1289 00:45:47,210 --> 00:45:48,920 a movie like that the most! 1290 00:45:48,962 --> 00:45:51,339 Anyway, Stallone felt really bad about it, 1291 00:45:51,381 --> 00:45:53,883 so he gave me this. 1292 00:46:02,767 --> 00:46:03,768 - What is it? 1293 00:46:03,810 --> 00:46:06,646 - Rocky's mouth guard. 1294 00:46:06,688 --> 00:46:08,356 - Fuck you. You're kidding. 1295 00:46:08,398 --> 00:46:09,899 - Nope. - You're shitting me. 1296 00:46:09,941 --> 00:46:11,109 - No shit. 1297 00:46:11,151 --> 00:46:13,278 - Wait. Does that mean-- 1298 00:46:13,319 --> 00:46:15,447 - Yes, the one at Planet Hollywood is a fake. 1299 00:46:15,488 --> 00:46:17,782 - Holy-- 1300 00:46:17,824 --> 00:46:19,993 holy shit! 1301 00:46:20,035 --> 00:46:21,536 Holy fucking shit! 1302 00:46:21,578 --> 00:46:23,997 - Now, I will give you this priceless item... 1303 00:46:24,039 --> 00:46:25,248 [Matty gasps] 1304 00:46:25,290 --> 00:46:29,002 If you give Blaire another chance. 1305 00:46:29,044 --> 00:46:31,838 - Huh? - Just let her stay. 1306 00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:34,632 - Oh. 1307 00:46:34,674 --> 00:46:35,800 I don't know. 1308 00:46:35,842 --> 00:46:39,637 - Hey, why don't you put it on? 1309 00:46:39,679 --> 00:46:41,139 Go on. 1310 00:46:41,181 --> 00:46:44,684 That was in Sylvester Stallone's mouth in 1976. 1311 00:46:44,726 --> 00:46:47,020 See how it feels in yours. 1312 00:46:54,361 --> 00:46:55,653 - Mmm. 1313 00:46:55,695 --> 00:46:57,739 [inhales deeply] 1314 00:46:57,781 --> 00:47:00,617 Oh. 1315 00:47:00,658 --> 00:47:02,035 Oh, wow. 1316 00:47:03,828 --> 00:47:06,164 I feel him. 1317 00:47:06,206 --> 00:47:08,333 I--I--I feel him in my mouth. 1318 00:47:08,375 --> 00:47:10,293 - You gotta go the distance, Matty. 1319 00:47:10,335 --> 00:47:11,961 Rocky would never have given up 1320 00:47:12,003 --> 00:47:13,380 on his brother's wife's daughter. 1321 00:47:13,421 --> 00:47:15,131 And neither should you. - No. 1322 00:47:15,173 --> 00:47:16,216 - What do you say? 1323 00:47:16,257 --> 00:47:20,553 [Matty panting softly] 1324 00:47:22,347 --> 00:47:24,683 - OK. - OK, what? 1325 00:47:24,724 --> 00:47:25,892 - She can stay. 1326 00:47:25,934 --> 00:47:28,520 - Oh, Matty, you mean it? 1327 00:47:28,561 --> 00:47:29,771 - Yeah, fuck it. 1328 00:47:29,813 --> 00:47:30,772 - Oh! [smooches] 1329 00:47:30,814 --> 00:47:33,024 Oh, honey, and no rent? 1330 00:47:33,066 --> 00:47:34,150 - Yeah, yeah. - Right? 1331 00:47:34,192 --> 00:47:37,070 - Fine, fine. - Thank you so much. 1332 00:47:37,112 --> 00:47:39,030 [Matty sighs] 1333 00:47:39,072 --> 00:47:42,742 - I'm gonna sleep in it. 1334 00:47:42,784 --> 00:47:44,703 - Nice job, Teddy. 1335 00:47:44,744 --> 00:47:47,122 We did it. - Yeah, we did. 1336 00:47:47,163 --> 00:47:48,039 - You know, I think you and Stallone 1337 00:47:48,081 --> 00:47:49,416 could still make that movie. 1338 00:47:49,457 --> 00:47:52,085 - Oh, God. No way. It was total fucking garbage. 1339 00:47:52,127 --> 00:47:54,379 I don't wanna sound crazy, but I honestly think 1340 00:47:54,421 --> 00:47:56,214 Paramount blew up the space shuttle 1341 00:47:56,256 --> 00:47:57,674 so they wouldn't have to make that movie. 1342 00:47:57,716 --> 00:47:59,092 - Jesus, that bad, huh? 1343 00:47:59,134 --> 00:48:02,303 - It was that bad, yeah. - Shit. 1344 00:48:02,345 --> 00:48:05,473 [peaceful jazz music] 1345 00:48:05,515 --> 00:48:07,225 * * 1346 00:48:07,267 --> 00:48:09,394 - I don't know how to thank you guys. 1347 00:48:09,436 --> 00:48:13,523 I mean, never in a million years did I expect this. 1348 00:48:13,565 --> 00:48:15,650 You know, I was starting to think 1349 00:48:15,692 --> 00:48:18,111 it was impossible for any of us to break the curse 1350 00:48:18,153 --> 00:48:21,322 of the Bennett blood, but what you did, 1351 00:48:21,364 --> 00:48:24,451 it gives me a lot of hope. 1352 00:48:24,492 --> 00:48:25,744 Thank you. 1353 00:48:25,785 --> 00:48:27,370 - Ah, we were just trying to make things right. 1354 00:48:27,412 --> 00:48:30,623 - No, no, no, no. I--I mean it, though. 1355 00:48:30,665 --> 00:48:33,084 You're not like the rest of the family. 1356 00:48:33,126 --> 00:48:35,128 You've got a shot. 1357 00:48:35,170 --> 00:48:38,006 I think of my dad, drunk on his ratty couch, 1358 00:48:38,048 --> 00:48:40,091 watching "Flash Gordon" or some shit, 1359 00:48:40,133 --> 00:48:43,386 but that's not gonna be you. 1360 00:48:43,428 --> 00:48:45,972 You--you're gonna do something with your life. 1361 00:48:46,014 --> 00:48:48,600 You're gonna be somebody. 1362 00:48:48,641 --> 00:48:49,642 - Thanks, Blaire. 1363 00:48:54,105 --> 00:48:57,108 - Just promise me this. 1364 00:48:57,150 --> 00:48:59,402 No more drugs. Yeah? 1365 00:48:59,444 --> 00:49:00,528 - No more drugs. 1366 00:49:00,570 --> 00:49:01,738 - No more drugs. 1367 00:49:05,658 --> 00:49:06,618 - Besides pot. 1368 00:49:06,659 --> 00:49:07,869 - Besides pot. 1369 00:49:07,911 --> 00:49:09,287 [Queen's "Flash"] 1370 00:49:09,329 --> 00:49:10,955 - * Flash! * 1371 00:49:10,997 --> 00:49:12,957 * A-ah! * 1372 00:49:12,999 --> 00:49:14,667 * Savior of the universe * 1373 00:49:14,709 --> 00:49:20,298 * * 1374 00:49:20,340 --> 00:49:22,050 * Flash! * 1375 00:49:22,092 --> 00:49:24,135 * A-ah! * 1376 00:49:24,177 --> 00:49:25,804 * He'll save every one of us * 1377 00:49:25,845 --> 00:49:31,685 * * 1378 00:49:31,726 --> 00:49:34,979 [evil laughter] 1379 00:49:35,021 --> 00:49:36,815 [explosion] 1380 00:49:36,856 --> 00:49:39,025 * * 1381 00:49:39,067 --> 00:49:40,819 * Flash! * 1382 00:49:40,860 --> 00:49:43,154 * A-ah! * 1383 00:49:43,196 --> 00:49:44,489 * He's a miracle * 1384 00:49:44,531 --> 00:49:50,120 * * 1385 00:49:50,161 --> 00:49:51,830 * Flash! * 1386 00:49:51,871 --> 00:49:53,581 * A-ah! * 1387 00:49:53,623 --> 00:49:55,208 * King of the impossible * 1388 00:49:55,250 --> 00:49:58,086 * * 1389 00:49:58,128 --> 00:50:00,171 * He's for every one of us * 1390 00:50:00,213 --> 00:50:02,424 * Stand for every one of us * 1391 00:50:02,465 --> 00:50:03,925 * He saves with a mighty hand * 1392 00:50:03,967 --> 00:50:05,468 * Every man, every woman, every child * 1393 00:50:05,510 --> 00:50:07,012 * It's the mighty flash * 1394 00:50:07,053 --> 00:50:08,638 * * 1395 00:50:08,680 --> 00:50:10,765 [explosions] 1396 00:50:10,807 --> 00:50:17,731 * * 1397 00:50:19,357 --> 00:50:21,026 * Flash! * 1398 00:50:21,067 --> 00:50:23,778 * A-ah! * 1399 00:50:23,820 --> 00:50:30,118 * * 1400 00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:31,786 * Flash! * 1401 00:50:31,828 --> 00:50:34,080 * A-ah! * 1402 00:50:34,122 --> 00:50:36,082 * He'll save every one of us *