1
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,510
<i>narrator: In 1985,
little John Bennett</i>

2
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,345
<i>wished on a shooting star</i>

3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,848
<i>that his teddy bear
would come to life.</i>

4
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,892
<i>Magically, it happened.</i>

5
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:19,228
<i>Ted was an instant,
worldwide phenomenon.</i>

6
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,230
<i>But now, it's 1993.</i>

7
00:00:21,230 --> 00:00:22,815
<i>And like every phenomenon,</i>

8
00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,318
<i>eventually,
nobody gives a shit.</i>

9
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:33,951
{\an8}<i>- * My words are lazy ♪</i>

10
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,620
{\an8}<i>♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪</i>

11
00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:38,831
{\an8}<i>♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪</i>

12
00:00:38,831 --> 00:00:42,460
{\an8}<i>♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪</i>

13
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,421
{\an8}<i>♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪</i>

14
00:00:57,058 --> 00:01:00,144
{\an8}Fuck, it's not working.
Here, let me try something,

15
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:01,187
{\an8}You got to blow on it.

16
00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,439
{\an8}That's what I'm doing.

17
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:04,941
{\an8}No, no, you got to
like really blow on it.

18
00:01:04,941 --> 00:01:07,110
{\an8}Here.

19
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:11,322
{\an8}Wow, you are going to make
some guy very happy one day.

20
00:01:11,322 --> 00:01:12,573
{\an8}Fuck off.

21
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,658
{\an8}Try it again
with eye contact.

22
00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:15,618
{\an8}Fuck you, man.

23
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:16,953
{\an8}See if it works.

24
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:19,122
{\an8}both: Hey!

25
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,123
{\an8}All right, Mushroom Kingdom.

26
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,332
{\an8}Anybody seen my car keys?

27
00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:23,126
{\an8}Yeah, they were on the floor.

28
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:24,794
{\an8}Dad stepped on them
and got mad.

29
00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:25,878
{\an8}What'd he do with 'em?

30
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:26,838
{\an8}Think he threw 'em.

31
00:01:26,838 --> 00:01:28,423
{\an8}Shit.

32
00:01:28,423 --> 00:01:30,925
{\an8}Hey, are Mario and Luigi
supposed to be midgets?

33
00:01:30,925 --> 00:01:31,926
{\an8}What do you mean?

34
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,010
{\an8}They're wicked short.

35
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,178
{\an8}Like, is it part
of their character

36
00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,430
{\an8}that they're midgets, or is--

37
00:01:35,430 --> 00:01:37,265
{\an8}Jesus Christ. Seriously?

38
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,307
{\an8}What?

39
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:39,600
{\an8}Little people.

40
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,685
{\an8}Yeah, that's why I'm asking.

41
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:42,228
{\an8}Are they supposed
to be midgets?

42
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,021
{\an8}You don't say "midget."
You say "little people."

43
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,857
{\an8}"Midget" is rude.
- Why is it rude?

44
00:01:45,857 --> 00:01:48,192
{\an8}Because it just is.
It's a fucked-up word.

45
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,610
{\an8}I mean, how would you like it
if you were a little person

46
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,987
{\an8}and someone called you that?

47
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:52,321
{\an8}Well, I mean, technically--

48
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,073
{\an8}- That's not the same.
- Why not?

49
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:55,324
{\an8}You're a teddy bear.

50
00:01:55,324 --> 00:01:56,743
{\an8}So what?
Doesn't matter.

51
00:01:56,743 --> 00:01:58,828
{\an8}Yeah, yeah, you know what?
I <i>am</i> a midget.

52
00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:01,622
{\an8}And I will thank you
not to tell <i>our</i> community

53
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,999
{\an8}how to use <i>our</i> word.

54
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:04,208
{\an8}Well done, Teddy.

55
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,376
{\an8}Thank you.

56
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,090
{\an8}Susan, just say it once.

57
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,508
{\an8}- Nope.
- Just one time.

58
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:13,968
{\an8}- No.
- She's not going to do it.

59
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,053
{\an8}Come on, just one "fuck."

60
00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:16,054
{\an8}No, she doesn't
want to go to hell.

61
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,513
{\an8}Come on, Susan.

62
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:20,266
{\an8}I can express myself
without that kind of language.

63
00:02:20,266 --> 00:02:21,642
{\an8}Thank you.
- Come on, we got a bet going.

64
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,519
{\an8}Just one time.
- What's the bet?

65
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,313
{\an8}Oh, that Ted can
get Mom to swear.

66
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,106
{\an8}Oh, wow, so fucking adult.

67
00:02:27,106 --> 00:02:28,775
{\an8}Hey, we're at dinner.

68
00:02:28,775 --> 00:02:30,568
{\an8}Just say "shit."

69
00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:31,444
{\an8}Shoot.

70
00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:33,863
{\an8}Just give us the finger.

71
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:34,947
{\an8}There's your finger.

72
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:35,948
{\an8}Say "Polack."

73
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,200
{\an8}Ted, really?

74
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,618
{\an8}It's not a race.
You can say it.

75
00:02:38,618 --> 00:02:39,786
{\an8}Yeah, it's just
a bunch of guys.

76
00:02:39,786 --> 00:02:42,205
{\an8}OK, just eat your supper, fellas.

77
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,206
{\an8}She's not going to swear, man.

78
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,749
{\an8}I win.
- Ah, fuck.

79
00:02:44,749 --> 00:02:46,626
{\an8}Pay up.

80
00:02:46,626 --> 00:02:48,711
Thank you.

81
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,880
Wait, you're not wearing pants.
Where'd you get this?

82
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,925
Don't you worry about where
I'm keeping stuff.

83
00:02:53,925 --> 00:02:56,386
Matty, honey,
that's your fourth beer.

84
00:02:56,386 --> 00:02:58,221
Yeah, I had a shit day.

85
00:02:58,221 --> 00:02:59,764
Yeah,
four is like a Boston one.

86
00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:00,848
He's OK.

87
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,683
I'm sorry your day was hard, honey.

88
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,769
Yeah, well,
sorry doesn't fix the car.

89
00:03:04,769 --> 00:03:06,187
What happened to the car,
Dad?

90
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,855
Whole rear fender
got smashed.

91
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,981
Well, how bad is it?

92
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,400
It's going to be at least
400 bucks.

93
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,610
{\an8}- Who hit it?
- I didn't see.

94
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:15,655
{\an8}But I was parked outside
the Hong Kong buffet, so...

95
00:03:15,655 --> 00:03:17,448
{\an8}Do the math.

96
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,200
{\an8}I'm sorry, what?

97
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,410
{\an8}I'm just saying.

98
00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:23,413
{\an8}Wow, that is such
complete bullshit.

99
00:03:23,413 --> 00:03:24,664
{\an8}Hey, we're at dinner.

100
00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:26,416
{\an8}It's a bullshit stereotype.

101
00:03:26,416 --> 00:03:27,792
{\an8}Tell that to my car.

102
00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:29,043
{\an8}Swear to God,

103
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:31,212
{\an8}this whole household
is so goddamn backward.

104
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,423
{\an8}Ted has used two derogatory
terms this afternoon.

105
00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:34,716
{\an8}And then there you go

106
00:03:34,716 --> 00:03:36,092
{\an8}topping it off
with that ignorant comment.

107
00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:37,552
{\an8}I said "midget."
What was the other one?

108
00:03:37,552 --> 00:03:38,845
{\an8}Yeah, I don't know.

109
00:03:38,845 --> 00:03:40,346
{\an8}You're living in my house
with my family,

110
00:03:40,346 --> 00:03:42,265
{\an8}eating our food,
and drinking our milk.

111
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:43,516
{\an8}Tough shit
if you don't like it.

112
00:03:43,516 --> 00:03:44,600
{\an8}That's just--that's great.

113
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:45,935
{\an8}I'm so glad you don't count me

114
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,229
{\an8}as a member of the family,
Uncle Matty.

115
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,439
Maybe "Polack"?

116
00:03:49,439 --> 00:03:50,815
No, couldn't be that.
That one's fine.

117
00:03:50,815 --> 00:03:54,360
Blaire, you are absolutely
a member of this family.

118
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,280
Matty, tell her you're sorry.

119
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,614
Of course he won't.

120
00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:00,199
Because if he did,
he'd be admitting I'm right,

121
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,618
which would also be admitting
he is a classic Boston racist.

122
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,454
I'm not a racist!

123
00:04:04,454 --> 00:04:06,456
My favorite movie is "Rocky."

124
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:08,374
How the fuck does that
make you not racist?

125
00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:10,251
Uh,
Apollo Creed is in the movie.

126
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,627
So?

127
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,963
So he's a Black guy who
wins against a white guy.

128
00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,423
Oh, my God.

129
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:17,258
I mean, it's assuming
you count Italians as whites,

130
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,676
which I mostly do.

131
00:04:18,676 --> 00:04:20,803
Of course, they weren't white
up until the 1960s.

132
00:04:20,803 --> 00:04:23,139
They got a big bump
after Korea.

133
00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,224
And it wasn't so much
they got more white,

134
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:28,019
the Cubans got more Black,
but I was OK with that too.

135
00:04:28,019 --> 00:04:29,270
Isn't this the toast

136
00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:30,354
that got you kicked out
of Ronny's wedding?

137
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,689
Again, I was explaining

138
00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:33,566
why it was OK that
he married an Italian.

139
00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:34,776
Jesus Christ.

140
00:04:34,776 --> 00:04:36,360
You are literally
proving my point.

141
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,154
You are a raging
fuckin' racist.

142
00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:39,614
Hey, we're at dinner.

143
00:04:39,614 --> 00:04:43,993
Well, in fairness, Blaire,
you can be racist too.

144
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:45,203
- What?
- Mm-hmm.

145
00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:46,579
No, I'm not.

146
00:04:46,579 --> 00:04:48,873
Do you remember when
you were a little girl?

147
00:04:48,873 --> 00:04:51,751
You used to cut the hair
off your Barbies?

148
00:04:51,751 --> 00:04:53,169
Yes?

149
00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:55,588
You used to cut the
Black Barbie's hair off first

150
00:04:55,588 --> 00:04:56,964
to see how it looked.

151
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,133
Oh, come on.
Are you serious with that?

152
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,385
And then if you liked it,

153
00:05:00,385 --> 00:05:02,011
then you'd cut
the white Barbie's hair.

154
00:05:02,011 --> 00:05:04,180
So you're a little racist too,
Blaire.

155
00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:07,016
Wow, that is weirdly
so much more damning

156
00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:08,559
than anything else today.

157
00:05:08,559 --> 00:05:10,019
And it started when
she was very young too.

158
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:12,021
Are you guys
for fucking real right now?

159
00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:14,857
I mean, that is some sick
Nazi doctor shit right there.

160
00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:16,484
Did you?

161
00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,860
What?

162
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:21,406
Did you cut
the Black Barbie's hair first?

163
00:05:23,074 --> 00:05:26,244
Fine, yes, OK, I cut the
Black Barbie's hair, yes.

164
00:05:26,244 --> 00:05:27,620
I was eight years old, OK?

165
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:28,871
I didn't fucking
know any better.

166
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,748
What was
the Black Barbie's name?

167
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:35,002
- I don't remember.
- Oh, it gets even worse!

168
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,629
Oh, my God, she can't remember
the Black Barbie's name.

169
00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:38,923
But I still love
both Barbies equally.

170
00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,550
- And separately?
- Yeah, yeah.

171
00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:41,884
What was the water fountain
situation like

172
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:43,636
at the Dream House?
- Yeah, was there like

173
00:05:43,636 --> 00:05:45,221
a special entrance
for the Black Barbie?

174
00:05:45,221 --> 00:05:46,556
- Look--
- Oh.

175
00:05:46,556 --> 00:05:47,724
Did you call it
the "I Have a Dream House"?

176
00:05:47,724 --> 00:05:49,892
- A-ha!
- OK, I was a fucking child.

177
00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:52,061
All right?
At least I have that excuse.

178
00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:53,563
You guys are adults.

179
00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:55,231
You know what the problem is?

180
00:05:55,231 --> 00:05:56,649
Education.

181
00:05:56,649 --> 00:05:58,943
There is a complete lack
of education in this family.

182
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,403
That's not true.
I go to school.

183
00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:02,447
I'm taking a pottery class.

184
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:04,282
What about Ted? Hmm?

185
00:06:04,282 --> 00:06:06,075
He's never had
a day of education in his life,

186
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:08,411
and it shows,
using words like "Polack."

187
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:09,662
Oh, it was "Polack."

188
00:06:09,662 --> 00:06:12,248
The teacher says
my ashtray shows promise.

189
00:06:12,248 --> 00:06:14,751
You should be going to school
every day with John.

190
00:06:14,751 --> 00:06:16,335
You'd learn something.

191
00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:17,670
And maybe you wouldn't make
all these ignorant comments.

192
00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:19,338
Uh, yeah, no thanks.

193
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:20,381
Why not?

194
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:22,133
Because.

195
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:23,301
TV.

196
00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:24,677
Aunt Suze, help me out.

197
00:06:24,677 --> 00:06:26,512
Well, Ted,
you might have fun.

198
00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:27,930
Mm-hmm.

199
00:06:27,930 --> 00:06:29,682
And I'm sure John would love
to have you there.

200
00:06:29,682 --> 00:06:31,642
No, no, I would not have fun.

201
00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:33,478
And "The Price is Right" is on
at 10:00 a.m.

202
00:06:33,478 --> 00:06:34,937
and I'd miss Plinko

203
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,315
and Johnny respects me too much
to want me to do that.

204
00:06:37,315 --> 00:06:38,691
I do.
I respect him.

205
00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:40,568
He tells me all about Plinko
when I get home.

206
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:41,903
That is such a cop-out.

207
00:06:41,903 --> 00:06:44,113
Look, I guard the house
when you guys are out.

208
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:45,615
You do not.

209
00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:47,033
- Yeah, I do.
- How?

210
00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:49,118
If somebody broke in,
what would you do?

211
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:52,205
I--I would tell him all the
good stuff's in the backyard

212
00:06:52,205 --> 00:06:54,582
and then I'd lock the door
behind him.

213
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,667
This is pointless.
I have plans with Sarah.

214
00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,589
Oh, Plinko was wonderful
today.

215
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:03,883
Plinko is the best
"Price is Right" game.

216
00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:04,801
It is.

217
00:07:04,801 --> 00:07:08,262
We live in such special times.

218
00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:16,521
<i>$1,000 total thus far.</i>

219
00:07:16,521 --> 00:07:17,980
- Oh, God.
<i>- Third one is...</i>

220
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:18,856
Oh, God.

221
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:19,982
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

222
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,818
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck.

223
00:07:21,818 --> 00:07:23,861
Yes! Ah!
Oh, my God!

224
00:07:23,861 --> 00:07:26,781
I want to tell somebody.

225
00:07:26,781 --> 00:07:28,324
No, it's OK.
It's all right.

226
00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:30,368
This will be my moment.

227
00:07:31,661 --> 00:07:34,539
All right, another day
with the house to myself.

228
00:07:34,539 --> 00:07:37,917
What's fun? What's fun?
What's fun? What's fun?

229
00:07:39,419 --> 00:07:43,047
Oh, let's see if we can find
where Matty hides his porn.

230
00:07:48,553 --> 00:07:50,054
Jesus, he's got nothing?

231
00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:51,848
25 years of marriage
and no porn,

232
00:07:51,848 --> 00:07:53,224
I'd put a bullet in my head.

233
00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:55,184
Oh, here we go.

234
00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:58,020
Oh, talk about
the right to bear arms.

235
00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:00,231
Bear arms bearing arms, right?

236
00:08:00,231 --> 00:08:03,693
Oh, man, everybody's
missing all this great stuff.

237
00:08:03,693 --> 00:08:06,738
Oh, wait. Oh, I know
what to do with this.

238
00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:24,255
Awesome!

239
00:08:24,255 --> 00:08:27,091
Oh, I am so glad
I tried this at home.

240
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:29,719
What the hell was that?

241
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:31,304
Oh, it's OK, Mrs. Fechko.

242
00:08:31,304 --> 00:08:33,222
I'm just doing
a science experiment.

243
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,016
Is that a gun?

244
00:08:35,016 --> 00:08:37,769
I mean, that's one function
of it, yeah.

245
00:08:37,769 --> 00:08:39,312
Well,
what are you shooting at?

246
00:08:39,312 --> 00:08:40,313
Nothing.

247
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:41,272
Are you sure?

248
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:42,315
Yeah.

249
00:08:42,315 --> 00:08:43,274
All right.

250
00:08:44,859 --> 00:08:46,152
Oops!

251
00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:53,659
Ah, fuck.

252
00:09:02,126 --> 00:09:05,046
The Russian boxer has
all this technology, right?

253
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:07,173
But Rocky's way up
in the mountains.

254
00:09:07,173 --> 00:09:09,300
And all he's got is,
like, logs and shit.

255
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:12,095
So it's wicked uneven
because the Russians

256
00:09:12,095 --> 00:09:14,889
have machines for, like,
every part of Drago's body.

257
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:19,352
But you know what part
they don't have a machine for?

258
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,312
This guy, right here.

259
00:09:21,312 --> 00:09:22,772
Aw, you should have seen it.

260
00:09:22,772 --> 00:09:25,983
I'm sure I still can.
It sounds like they filmed it.

261
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,318
I don't know how we started
talking about abortion

262
00:09:27,318 --> 00:09:28,569
and ended up here.

263
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:29,737
I don't have to pick you up
tomorrow, right?

264
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:32,824
No, I got the rental.

265
00:09:32,824 --> 00:09:34,659
What the fuck?

266
00:09:39,455 --> 00:09:41,165
Aw.

267
00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:42,792
Oh. Hey, Matty.
Hey, Blaire.

268
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:43,960
What the fuck is this?

269
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,212
Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,

270
00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:47,463
and Beef Stroganoff.

271
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:48,506
Hi.

272
00:09:48,506 --> 00:09:49,549
What happened to the TV?

273
00:09:49,549 --> 00:09:51,509
Oh, I accidentally shot it.

274
00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:52,844
You shot it?

275
00:09:52,844 --> 00:09:54,846
Yeah, and I felt
really bad about it.

276
00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:57,724
And then I was like,
"Hey, Ted, it was an accident.

277
00:09:57,724 --> 00:09:59,600
"Stop being so hard
on yourself.

278
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,018
"It's bad enough
that it happened.

279
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,438
You feeling bad's
not going to fix it."

280
00:10:03,438 --> 00:10:04,772
So I called these ladies

281
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,149
because I was trying
to make myself feel better.

282
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:07,984
And I do. I feel better.

283
00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:09,902
See, this is the kind of shit

284
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,654
that wouldn't happen
if he was in school.

285
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:12,655
Wait, what?

286
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:14,115
You're going to school.

287
00:10:14,115 --> 00:10:15,992
Wait, hang on.
That is a serious overreaction.

288
00:10:15,992 --> 00:10:17,076
You're going to school,

289
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:18,619
and you're going to grow
a fucking brain!

290
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:19,996
Oh, come on!

291
00:10:19,996 --> 00:10:21,664
I think brains are sexy.

292
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,708
Shut up, Beef.

293
00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:36,345
Hey, Johnny, you awake?

294
00:10:36,345 --> 00:10:37,680
Yeah.

295
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,474
I was just jerking off.

296
00:10:39,474 --> 00:10:40,767
What?

297
00:10:40,767 --> 00:10:42,769
Relax, I'm fucking with you.

298
00:10:42,769 --> 00:10:44,729
Holy Jesus.

299
00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:46,022
Wait, you're--
you don't do that

300
00:10:46,022 --> 00:10:47,231
when I'm in the room, right?

301
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,983
No.

302
00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:52,028
Not usually.
I mean, if you're asleep.

303
00:10:52,028 --> 00:10:55,823
Oh, shit, that's why I had
the Spanish galleon dream.

304
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,033
What?

305
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:58,159
I had a dream the other night

306
00:10:58,159 --> 00:11:00,620
that I was rowing
on a Spanish slave ship.

307
00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:03,998
And the guy on the drums was
pounding faster and faster.

308
00:11:03,998 --> 00:11:06,042
And so I escaped
by jumping out a window,

309
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:07,877
and I swam to a desert island.

310
00:11:07,877 --> 00:11:09,045
And when I came ashore,

311
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:11,172
there you were jerking off.

312
00:11:11,172 --> 00:11:13,925
That's probably why
I had that dream.

313
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,888
OK, goodnight.

314
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:21,724
Johnny, how bad
is school going to suck?

315
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,476
You're not going to like it.

316
00:11:23,476 --> 00:11:25,395
How bad?

317
00:11:25,395 --> 00:11:27,647
You ever drink orange juice
after brushing your teeth?

318
00:11:27,647 --> 00:11:28,689
Yeah.

319
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:29,899
Well, it's like

320
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:30,942
getting your nuts
smashed together so hard,

321
00:11:30,942 --> 00:11:32,735
they become just one nut.

322
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:35,071
Holy shit.
And that's every day?

323
00:11:35,071 --> 00:11:37,865
That's every single day.

324
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,242
But if you die
in a drunk driving accident,

325
00:11:39,242 --> 00:11:41,994
you get a whole page
in the yearbook.

326
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,204
Not quite "Goodnight Moon,"

327
00:11:43,204 --> 00:11:45,540
but I'll see you
in the morning.

328
00:11:51,838 --> 00:11:53,256
This sucks.

329
00:11:53,256 --> 00:11:55,091
We got to lug these things
around all day?

330
00:11:55,091 --> 00:11:56,300
Yeah, pretty much.

331
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,594
- We look stupid.
- Nah, we're fine.

332
00:11:58,594 --> 00:12:00,805
We look like suicide bombers
having second thoughts.

333
00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:01,931
Shut the fuck up.

334
00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:03,099
You can't joke about bombs
here.

335
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:05,768
Now let me ask you something.

336
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:06,936
You ever get self-conscious

337
00:12:06,936 --> 00:12:08,855
being the only white guy
at your school?

338
00:12:08,855 --> 00:12:10,815
I dunno,
we live in a Boston suburb.

339
00:12:10,815 --> 00:12:12,442
Oh, last year,
we had an Indian kid.

340
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:13,484
Oh, yeah?

341
00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:14,569
Yeah, but they got him.

342
00:12:14,569 --> 00:12:15,778
What does that mean?

343
00:12:15,778 --> 00:12:17,113
I liked him too.

344
00:12:17,113 --> 00:12:18,448
What do you mean
"they got him"?

345
00:12:18,448 --> 00:12:19,782
He used to share
his Dunkaroos.

346
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,576
Good guy.
- Fuck this, Johnny.

347
00:12:21,576 --> 00:12:23,661
You know what?
I'm going to get expelled.

348
00:12:23,661 --> 00:12:25,079
For what?

349
00:12:25,079 --> 00:12:26,539
I don't know yet.
I'll come up with something.

350
00:12:26,539 --> 00:12:28,082
Wait, you're going to try
and get kicked out?

351
00:12:28,082 --> 00:12:30,877
It's the only way.
I'm missing "Card Sharks."

352
00:12:33,671 --> 00:12:36,674
Dude, look.

353
00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:37,842
There she is.

354
00:12:37,842 --> 00:12:38,843
What?

355
00:12:38,843 --> 00:12:40,553
Look.

356
00:12:40,553 --> 00:12:42,889
Holy shit, who is that?

357
00:12:42,889 --> 00:12:44,307
Bethany's sister.

358
00:12:44,307 --> 00:12:46,976
She goes to Emerson.
Hottest chick on the planet.

359
00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,936
Jesus, what's her name?

360
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:49,979
Sheila.

361
00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:51,939
- What? No.
- Yep.

362
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,441
- Sheila?
- Uh-huh.

363
00:12:53,441 --> 00:12:56,611
What the fuck kind of
malevolent God would do that?

364
00:12:56,611 --> 00:12:58,279
Yeah, it's like her parents
knew she was going to be hot,

365
00:12:58,279 --> 00:12:59,489
and they wanted
to level the field.

366
00:12:59,489 --> 00:13:01,157
Think fast, Bennett!

367
00:13:01,157 --> 00:13:02,200
- Nice!

368
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,993
- Fuck.
- Hey, dork.

369
00:13:03,993 --> 00:13:05,161
What the fuck you got here?

370
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:06,662
You're bringing your dolls
to school?

371
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:07,747
Hey, fuck you, Clive.

372
00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:10,083
Oh, God, you motherfucker.

373
00:13:10,083 --> 00:13:12,168
- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Clive.

374
00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:13,669
Nice teddy bear, Bennett.

375
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:16,547
You got your blankie too? Ooh.

376
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,549
You must be going full gay
on us, huh?

377
00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:20,510
I always knew you were
a big queer.

378
00:13:20,510 --> 00:13:22,470
You know, I don't want
to speculate on who's gay,

379
00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:26,057
but didn't you just
touch his penis twice?

380
00:13:26,057 --> 00:13:27,850
Hey, listen, man,
it's nothing to be ashamed of.

381
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:29,769
It's the '90s.
Times are changing.

382
00:13:29,769 --> 00:13:32,355
Hey, anybody else here gay?

383
00:13:32,355 --> 00:13:33,439
How is it?

384
00:13:33,439 --> 00:13:35,358
- It's great.
- It's the fucking tits.

385
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:37,568
See? There you go.
The reviews are in.

386
00:13:38,736 --> 00:13:40,488
You're still a fucking dork.

387
00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,865
-  Hey, what a dorko.

388
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,659
Let's go.

389
00:13:45,785 --> 00:13:47,328
Hey, you know what, Teddy?

390
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:48,996
I think I'm really glad
you're here.

391
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,164
Yeah, thanks.

392
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:51,249
I'm still going
to get kicked out.

393
00:13:51,249 --> 00:13:53,334
I know.

394
00:13:53,334 --> 00:13:56,212
From 1814 to 1815,
following the writing

395
00:13:56,212 --> 00:13:58,214
of "Childe Harold's
Pilgrimage,"

396
00:13:58,214 --> 00:14:00,800
Lord Byron was the toast
of Regency London.

397
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,136
During this period, he wrote
"The Siege of Corinth,"

398
00:14:03,136 --> 00:14:07,014
"The Bride of Abydos,"
and what else?

399
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,808
- Amanda.
- "Terracina."

400
00:14:08,808 --> 00:14:10,476
Yes.
Someone did the homework.

401
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:11,936
Very good.

402
00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:14,522
I think this guy's lost
40 hairs since class started.

403
00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:15,481
It's weird, right?

404
00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,482
It's like
they're not falling out.

405
00:14:16,482 --> 00:14:18,234
They're jumping out.

406
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,069
- Ted.
- Yes?

407
00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:21,612
Can you complete this verse?

408
00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:25,450
"She walks in beauty, like
the night of cloudless climes

409
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:27,034
"and starry skies.

410
00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:30,496
And all that's best
of dark and bright..."

411
00:14:30,496 --> 00:14:32,665
Your wife is
fucking other guys.

412
00:14:37,837 --> 00:14:39,589
You think you're funny,
but you know what?

413
00:14:39,589 --> 00:14:41,257
Joke's on you, smart guy,

414
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,593
because my wife and I <i>are</i>
having problems.

415
00:14:43,593 --> 00:14:45,595
- Oh.
- Yeah.

416
00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:46,763
I'm sorry to hear that.

417
00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:48,139
Oh, thank you.

418
00:14:48,139 --> 00:14:51,017
Um, my wife had
an affair last year.

419
00:14:51,017 --> 00:14:52,602
And we've both tried
to recover,

420
00:14:52,602 --> 00:14:55,730
but fact is, neither one of us
has been able to forget it.

421
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:59,442
So I come in here every day
acting like my life is great

422
00:14:59,442 --> 00:15:03,321
when, in reality,
it's a train wreck.

423
00:15:03,321 --> 00:15:05,406
My own son
doesn't respect his father,

424
00:15:05,406 --> 00:15:08,284
so joke's on you, funny man.

425
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:10,828
Not really quite sure
how the joke's on me,

426
00:15:10,828 --> 00:15:12,163
but--
- Who's laughing now?

427
00:15:12,163 --> 00:15:13,956
I mean,
I think I still am, but--

428
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,042
Life comes with
a lot of pain, kids.

429
00:15:16,042 --> 00:15:17,543
So better you learn
that right now

430
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:21,464
and develop some nice, hard
calluses over your feelings.

431
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:23,257
My daughter is having
a pregnancy scare.

432
00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:25,009
Anyone want to talk about that?

433
00:15:25,009 --> 00:15:27,470
Well, we're gonna
talk about it!

434
00:15:27,470 --> 00:15:30,765
Her last period
was five weeks ago!

435
00:15:32,141 --> 00:15:33,643
I know this because

436
00:15:33,643 --> 00:15:36,562
I'm the only one in the house
who buys tampons.

437
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,398
Yeah, I don't think you're
going to break Mr. George.

438
00:15:38,398 --> 00:15:39,982
He's already too messed up.

439
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,275
Yeah, I see that.

440
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:42,485
So what are you going to do?

441
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:44,612
How are you going
to get kicked out?

442
00:15:49,492 --> 00:15:50,910
Better put some
more franks on.

443
00:15:50,910 --> 00:15:51,994
All right.

444
00:15:54,497 --> 00:15:55,957
I'm the king of the wieners!

445
00:16:02,547 --> 00:16:04,882
Ted Bennett, please report
to the principal's office.

446
00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,926
Well, don't mind if I do.

447
00:16:06,926 --> 00:16:10,930
Ted, do you know where
my last job was?

448
00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:13,224
Um, were you
on "Night Court"?

449
00:16:13,224 --> 00:16:14,392
No.

450
00:16:14,392 --> 00:16:16,728
I was principal
at Dorchester High.

451
00:16:16,728 --> 00:16:18,187
Oh, shit.

452
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:21,190
Wait, isn't their mascot
just a guy with a knife?

453
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,025
Technically,
Stabbers was a pirate.

454
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,027
But yes, it was a little rough.

455
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,571
I heard there
was one girl there

456
00:16:26,571 --> 00:16:28,948
who was only eight years older
than her own granddaughter.

457
00:16:28,948 --> 00:16:30,199
I'm afraid that's true.

458
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:31,492
Well, how'd that work?

459
00:16:31,492 --> 00:16:33,202
Oh, it involved the
International Date Line.

460
00:16:33,202 --> 00:16:35,121
But the point is

461
00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:37,039
I watched a lot
of students stumble

462
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,876
and drift through the system
to come out on the other side

463
00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,502
without any real education.

464
00:16:41,502 --> 00:16:43,421
Some of them did what
you're doing--

465
00:16:43,421 --> 00:16:45,882
testing the boundaries,
rebelling,

466
00:16:45,882 --> 00:16:47,425
hoping to get cut loose.

467
00:16:47,425 --> 00:16:48,968
OK.

468
00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:51,262
Well, I'm not going to let
the same thing happen here.

469
00:16:51,262 --> 00:16:53,389
Love that.
Don't like where this is going.

470
00:16:53,389 --> 00:16:55,224
You're going
to be an example.

471
00:16:55,224 --> 00:16:58,019
I'm not going to suspend you
or anything else.

472
00:16:58,019 --> 00:17:01,314
We are going to make a
successful student out of you.

473
00:17:01,314 --> 00:17:02,440
Now hang on a second--

474
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,900
And you're
the perfect choice.

475
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:07,570
So if you want to act up again,
just know if you do,

476
00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:09,572
it's not going to
change your situation.

477
00:17:09,572 --> 00:17:11,824
Oh, man, are you sure
I'm the right guy?

478
00:17:11,824 --> 00:17:13,910
There's a fat kid who
likes to touch dicks.

479
00:17:13,910 --> 00:17:15,703
You're late for class.

480
00:17:20,291 --> 00:17:22,210
{\an8}Maybe I could just tell
Matty to go fuck himself.

481
00:17:22,210 --> 00:17:24,504
{\an8}No way, dude,
my dad's a sadist.

482
00:17:24,504 --> 00:17:26,255
He thought Vietnam was fun.

483
00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:27,632
Jesus, really?

484
00:17:27,632 --> 00:17:28,925
Yeah, he cried when
the helicopters came

485
00:17:28,925 --> 00:17:30,134
to pick him up.

486
00:17:30,134 --> 00:17:31,260
You don't want
to piss him off, man.

487
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:32,178
He'll kick you
out of the house.

488
00:17:32,178 --> 00:17:33,513
You'll starve.

489
00:17:33,513 --> 00:17:34,806
What the hell kind
of fucked-up wish

490
00:17:34,806 --> 00:17:36,516
makes it so your teddy bear
comes to life,

491
00:17:36,516 --> 00:17:37,934
but he's still got to eat?

492
00:17:42,313 --> 00:17:44,816
Oh, man, there she is.

493
00:17:46,484 --> 00:17:48,194
Yeah, we got practice
in a half hour.

494
00:17:55,827 --> 00:17:57,120
Did you see that?

495
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,080
- What?
- That was a joint.

496
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,581
Oh, shit.

497
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:01,999
Teddy, that's your ticket
out of here.

498
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:03,459
What?
What do you mean?

499
00:18:03,459 --> 00:18:05,336
You get caught with drugs
in school, you're gone.

500
00:18:05,336 --> 00:18:06,921
It's like zero tolerance here.

501
00:18:06,921 --> 00:18:08,840
Oh, fuck, wow.

502
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,133
Hey, you ever smoked weed?

503
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:11,884
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.

504
00:18:11,884 --> 00:18:14,637
Really?
The whole time you were famous?

505
00:18:14,637 --> 00:18:16,305
Yeah, I was afraid
my fur would catch on fire.

506
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:17,807
I got no flame retardant.

507
00:18:17,807 --> 00:18:19,308
All right, well, anyway,
you don't got to smoke it.

508
00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:20,476
You just got to get caught
with it.

509
00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:22,061
Well, fuck,
let's go talk to her.

510
00:18:22,061 --> 00:18:23,312
You fucking kidding me?

511
00:18:23,312 --> 00:18:24,814
I'm not going to talk
to Sheila Borgwat.

512
00:18:24,814 --> 00:18:27,567
Borgwat? Fucking God,
it just keeps getting worse.

513
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:29,736
No way, man. No, no.
I'm not going over there.

514
00:18:29,736 --> 00:18:31,279
Come on, Johnny,
you're not asking her out.

515
00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:32,572
You're just asking her
for drugs.

516
00:18:32,572 --> 00:18:33,906
You said you stare at her
every day.

517
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:36,284
This is the perfect excuse
to go talk to her.

518
00:18:36,284 --> 00:18:38,453
No, man.
I got you this far, you do it.

519
00:18:38,453 --> 00:18:39,912
If you don't come with me,

520
00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:42,457
I will tell her you masturbate
to network television.

521
00:18:42,457 --> 00:18:43,791
You motherfucker.

522
00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:45,752
I will tell her you watch
"Full House"

523
00:18:45,752 --> 00:18:47,670
so you can jerk off
to Lori Loughlin,

524
00:18:47,670 --> 00:18:50,131
but that you can't always
predict how long the scene is,

525
00:18:50,131 --> 00:18:53,134
so half the time, you ejaculate
to an establishing shot.

526
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,135
You wouldn't.

527
00:18:54,135 --> 00:18:56,304
Oh, Lori, oh, Lori!

528
00:18:56,304 --> 00:18:59,015
Oh, Lor--oh, fuck,
a tasteful duplex.

529
00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:04,437
Excuse me.

530
00:19:04,437 --> 00:19:06,272
Hi.
Uh, hi, I'm uh--

531
00:19:06,272 --> 00:19:08,691
I'm John Bennett.

532
00:19:08,691 --> 00:19:09,734
Hi there.

533
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:12,570
Ooh, you just,
uh, wash your hands?

534
00:19:12,570 --> 00:19:17,867
Uh, yeah, just when I--
you know, a while ago, not now.

535
00:19:19,494 --> 00:19:23,206
I had diarrhea.

536
00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:24,373
Hi, I'm Ted.

537
00:19:24,373 --> 00:19:25,374
I'm Sheila.

538
00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:26,959
Oh, let's not ruin things.

539
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:28,544
Hey, listen,
we couldn't help but notice

540
00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:31,089
you were smoking a little pot.

541
00:19:31,089 --> 00:19:33,549
Yeah, midterms, you know?

542
00:19:33,549 --> 00:19:34,842
What, are you going
to narc on me?

543
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:36,469
- Oh, we're not judging.
- No, absolutely not.

544
00:19:36,469 --> 00:19:37,720
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no,

545
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,765
Teddy and I often partake of...

546
00:19:40,765 --> 00:19:42,141
<i>el bowl.</i>

547
00:19:42,141 --> 00:19:44,894
And the pot inside it, uh...

548
00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:45,937
cha-cha-cha.

549
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:50,525
It wasn't much diarrhea.

550
00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:51,818
Can we have drugs, please?

551
00:19:51,818 --> 00:19:53,778
Sorry?

552
00:19:53,778 --> 00:19:55,238
We're just--
we're looking to get some weed.

553
00:19:55,238 --> 00:19:56,906
We thought maybe
you could help us out.

554
00:19:56,906 --> 00:19:59,909
Yeah, uh,
how old are you again?

555
00:19:59,909 --> 00:20:01,285
16 1/2.

556
00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:02,745
Oof.

557
00:20:02,745 --> 00:20:05,206
Yeah, sorry, bro,
that's not going to happen.

558
00:20:05,206 --> 00:20:06,624
It's not for him.
It's for me.

559
00:20:06,624 --> 00:20:09,043
Look, I get why you can't
give a high school kid pot.

560
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:11,129
But talking teddy bears
are all good, right?

561
00:20:11,129 --> 00:20:12,422
We all take drugs.

562
00:20:12,422 --> 00:20:13,881
The fucking Care Bears
are all meth addicts,

563
00:20:13,881 --> 00:20:16,634
Paddington's on Quaaludes,
and Fozzie's a cokehead.

564
00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:18,886
You know he was in the room
when John Belushi died?

565
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:20,596
Look,
I can't help you guys out.

566
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,682
But if you want, I can hook
you up with my connection.

567
00:20:22,682 --> 00:20:24,267
Oh, that would be wonderful.

568
00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:27,395
And might I say, you are a
very beautiful woman, Shelly--

569
00:20:27,395 --> 00:20:28,438
Sheila.

570
00:20:28,438 --> 00:20:29,647
Oh, God, I know.

571
00:20:45,121 --> 00:20:46,414
All right, this is it.

572
00:20:46,414 --> 00:20:49,167
All right, this is
my allowance for the month.

573
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,501
If Dad asks where it went,

574
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,128
we bought tickets to see
"Schindler's List."

575
00:20:52,128 --> 00:20:53,963
What do you mean?
That's only like 8 bucks.

576
00:20:53,963 --> 00:20:55,339
Shit, you're right.

577
00:20:55,339 --> 00:20:56,841
Well, what did we do
with the rest?

578
00:20:56,841 --> 00:21:00,303
Uh, we were so moved that
we donated it to Jew causes.

579
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:02,513
That is so nice of us.

580
00:21:02,513 --> 00:21:03,765
Maybe we should
actually do that.

581
00:21:03,765 --> 00:21:05,058
What, are you fucking crazy?

582
00:21:05,058 --> 00:21:06,392
Get your head in the game.
We got drugs to buy.

583
00:21:06,392 --> 00:21:07,560
Shit, sorry.

584
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,479
Just be careful in there, OK?

585
00:21:09,479 --> 00:21:11,355
I hear some of these dealers
can be sketchy.

586
00:21:11,355 --> 00:21:12,815
Just don't get shot, buddy.

587
00:21:12,815 --> 00:21:14,776
Will you relax? I'll be fine.
I'll see you in a few.

588
00:21:32,502 --> 00:21:35,046
Hi, I'm here for the weed--

589
00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:43,805
No fucking way.

590
00:21:43,805 --> 00:21:44,972
Ted, what the hell
are you doing here?

591
00:21:44,972 --> 00:21:46,724
- It's you?
- Who gave you this address?

592
00:21:46,724 --> 00:21:48,559
Fucking Blaire sells pot?

593
00:21:48,559 --> 00:21:50,561
Jesus Christ.
Lower your voice.

594
00:21:50,561 --> 00:21:52,355
Get inside.

595
00:21:52,355 --> 00:21:55,400
Oh, un-fucking believable.

596
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,901
The fuck do you want?

597
00:21:56,901 --> 00:21:59,112
Wait, so I can't say midget,
but you can sell drugs?

598
00:21:59,112 --> 00:22:01,114
What's with all the noise?

599
00:22:01,114 --> 00:22:02,323
Who's this?

600
00:22:02,323 --> 00:22:03,574
This is Ted.

601
00:22:03,574 --> 00:22:05,368
Ted, this is my friend, Sarah.

602
00:22:05,368 --> 00:22:07,453
Oh, yeah.
Blaire mentioned you.

603
00:22:07,453 --> 00:22:10,373
You're that teddy bear that
came to life back in the '80s.

604
00:22:10,373 --> 00:22:12,875
Well, yeah, but I've done
other stuff since then.

605
00:22:12,875 --> 00:22:14,419
Like what?

606
00:22:14,419 --> 00:22:17,463
Um, I was the stand-in for
Ben Stiller in "Fresh Horses."

607
00:22:17,463 --> 00:22:18,464
Oh.

608
00:22:18,464 --> 00:22:20,133
Not a tall man.

609
00:22:20,133 --> 00:22:23,511
Um, hey, how come
you're selling weed anyway?

610
00:22:23,511 --> 00:22:25,930
Sarah and I grow it here
in her apartment,

611
00:22:25,930 --> 00:22:30,476
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

612
00:22:30,476 --> 00:22:32,061
Ted, listen to me.

613
00:22:32,061 --> 00:22:34,731
You cannot tell Uncle Matty
and Aunt Suze, all right?

614
00:22:34,731 --> 00:22:36,274
They will kick me out
of the fucking house.

615
00:22:36,274 --> 00:22:37,692
It's hard enough
to pay for school.

616
00:22:37,692 --> 00:22:39,402
I can't afford
a higher rent too.

617
00:22:39,402 --> 00:22:41,070
Wait.
Matty charges you rent?

618
00:22:41,070 --> 00:22:42,655
Not as much as I pay
for an apartment,

619
00:22:42,655 --> 00:22:44,782
but still, 200 bucks a month.

620
00:22:44,782 --> 00:22:47,076
For that crappy room
over the garage?

621
00:22:47,076 --> 00:22:49,746
Jesus, Anne Frank wouldn't
be caught dead in that place.

622
00:22:50,705 --> 00:22:51,914
I'm allowed to make that joke.

623
00:22:51,914 --> 00:22:53,624
Johnny and I donate
to Jew causes.

624
00:22:53,624 --> 00:22:54,917
OK, well,
I still need the room,

625
00:22:54,917 --> 00:22:56,878
so you cannot
say a fucking word.

626
00:22:56,878 --> 00:22:58,755
Hey, look, man,
I'm not here to bust anybody.

627
00:22:58,755 --> 00:23:01,424
I just want the ganja.

628
00:23:01,424 --> 00:23:03,051
You've never smoked before,
have you?

629
00:23:03,051 --> 00:23:04,677
What are you--
what are you talking about?

630
00:23:04,677 --> 00:23:06,429
Yeah, I have.
I do lots of drugs.

631
00:23:06,429 --> 00:23:08,598
Yeah?
Like what?

632
00:23:08,598 --> 00:23:10,141
I'm on coke right now.
See?

633
00:23:10,141 --> 00:23:12,769
Grr! Oh, I'm so coked up
I just wanna write a novel

634
00:23:12,769 --> 00:23:14,270
and punch everything!

635
00:23:14,270 --> 00:23:15,313
Ow! Ow!

636
00:23:15,313 --> 00:23:16,647
Ah, just kidding.

637
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:17,648
Doesn't hurt
'cause on account of the coke.

638
00:23:17,648 --> 00:23:18,941
Bullshit.

639
00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:19,859
I don't know what
I'm talking about.

640
00:23:19,859 --> 00:23:21,319
Please, can I have marijuana?

641
00:23:21,319 --> 00:23:23,112
Fine. You got cash?

642
00:23:23,112 --> 00:23:26,282
No. Wait. Sarah, we're--
we're not selling him pot.

643
00:23:26,282 --> 00:23:27,950
- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

644
00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:29,911
Uh, are you
fucking high already?

645
00:23:29,911 --> 00:23:31,913
Your best friend,
my little cousin,

646
00:23:31,913 --> 00:23:33,581
is 16 years old.

647
00:23:33,581 --> 00:23:34,832
I'm not gonna enable him.

648
00:23:34,832 --> 00:23:36,125
Well, I'm not either.

649
00:23:36,125 --> 00:23:37,627
I'm not even gonna tell him
I have it.

650
00:23:37,627 --> 00:23:39,420
It's for me, Blaire.
I swear to God.

651
00:23:39,420 --> 00:23:40,880
When have I ever lied to you?

652
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:42,924
Like ten seconds ago when
you said you were on coke.

653
00:23:42,924 --> 00:23:44,926
Well, yeah. But since then,
I've given it to you straight.

654
00:23:44,926 --> 00:23:48,137
Look, Blaire.
We need the money.

655
00:23:48,137 --> 00:23:49,180
Why not just do it?

656
00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:50,181
That's right, Blaire.

657
00:23:50,181 --> 00:23:51,974
You need the money,
I need this.

658
00:23:51,974 --> 00:23:54,143
Look, do you have any idea
what it's like

659
00:23:54,143 --> 00:23:55,978
to be the biggest star
in the world

660
00:23:55,978 --> 00:23:57,897
and then nobody
gives a shit about you?

661
00:23:57,897 --> 00:23:59,482
I'm friggin' Kirk Cameron.

662
00:23:59,482 --> 00:24:01,067
I gotta escape my demons,

663
00:24:01,067 --> 00:24:03,152
and it's either drugs
or the church.

664
00:24:03,152 --> 00:24:05,196
You know what they do
to guys my size?

665
00:24:05,196 --> 00:24:08,199
Oh, please, don't make me
suck a deacon's dick!

666
00:24:14,831 --> 00:24:16,332
We should smoke it.

667
00:24:16,332 --> 00:24:17,583
Wait, what?

668
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,085
Johnny, this is my
ticket out of school.

669
00:24:19,085 --> 00:24:20,920
Yeah, I know.
I mean, not--not all of it.

670
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:24,173
Just, you know, we smoke some
and save some for the plan.

671
00:24:24,173 --> 00:24:27,385
Well, Johnny, I--I promised
Blaire it was just for me.

672
00:24:27,385 --> 00:24:29,011
Teddy, think about it,
all right?

673
00:24:29,011 --> 00:24:31,472
I bet I'm the only kid
in school who hasn't smoked.

674
00:24:31,472 --> 00:24:32,974
I haven't smoked.
I haven't had sex.

675
00:24:32,974 --> 00:24:34,726
I haven't had a girlfriend.

676
00:24:34,726 --> 00:24:37,145
Clive's right.
I'm a fucking loser.

677
00:24:37,145 --> 00:24:39,230
I mean, you're like
my only real friend,

678
00:24:39,230 --> 00:24:41,357
and we're sitting here
with real pot.

679
00:24:41,357 --> 00:24:43,151
It's here in person.

680
00:24:43,151 --> 00:24:45,194
This could be the day
I start being cool.

681
00:24:45,194 --> 00:24:47,572
Yeah, today is the day you
told a girl you had diarrhea.

682
00:24:47,572 --> 00:24:49,240
Don't put too much weight
on today.

683
00:24:51,242 --> 00:24:53,661
Wait. Hang on, hang on.
- What?

684
00:24:53,661 --> 00:24:55,747
Well, you and me
have been best friends

685
00:24:55,747 --> 00:24:57,415
like our whole lives.

686
00:24:57,415 --> 00:25:00,251
We're about to get high
together for the first time.

687
00:25:00,251 --> 00:25:01,377
Yeah, so?

688
00:25:01,377 --> 00:25:03,504
Let's do this right.

689
00:25:18,978 --> 00:25:20,313
Should we say grace?

690
00:25:20,313 --> 00:25:21,272
Oh, yeah, good idea.

691
00:25:23,107 --> 00:25:24,317
Hello, God.

692
00:25:24,317 --> 00:25:28,362
It's me, Ted,
one of your weirder creations.

693
00:25:28,362 --> 00:25:30,323
Sorry about what I said today.

694
00:25:30,323 --> 00:25:32,200
Not that your deacons
aren't attractive,

695
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,369
but I'm saving my mouth
for marriage.

696
00:25:35,369 --> 00:25:38,414
Let us not be so high that
we have to call an ambulance.

697
00:25:38,414 --> 00:25:40,708
Amen.

698
00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:42,668
OK.

699
00:25:44,337 --> 00:25:46,255
Let there be light.

700
00:26:05,233 --> 00:26:09,278
<i>♪ All my friends
know the low rider ♪</i>

701
00:26:11,823 --> 00:26:16,160
<i>♪ The low rider
is a little higher ♪</i>

702
00:26:34,554 --> 00:26:35,805
Yeah.

703
00:26:40,143 --> 00:26:41,644
Hell yeah, man.

704
00:26:47,859 --> 00:26:49,569
I was so fucking hungry.

705
00:26:49,569 --> 00:26:51,237
- I was so hungry too.
- Mm-hmm.

706
00:26:51,237 --> 00:26:52,405
It's so weird.

707
00:26:52,405 --> 00:26:54,490
You know,
this is like the perfect food

708
00:26:54,490 --> 00:26:55,867
for the perfect night.

709
00:26:55,867 --> 00:26:58,786
Yeah, like who invented food?
That guy rocks.

710
00:26:58,786 --> 00:27:01,664
Well, if I knew you guys were
going to get so gussied up,

711
00:27:01,664 --> 00:27:03,166
I would have made
something fancier.

712
00:27:03,166 --> 00:27:06,085
No, Mom.
This is perfect.

713
00:27:06,085 --> 00:27:07,670
These are perfect Steak-Umms.

714
00:27:07,670 --> 00:27:09,630
The perfect Steak-Umm.

715
00:27:09,630 --> 00:27:12,675
It's right here.
Just--just feel it.

716
00:27:13,885 --> 00:27:15,720
I can feel your love
in this, Ma.

717
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,681
I'm so happy
you love it so much.

718
00:27:18,681 --> 00:27:20,141
Jesus,
you guys are acting like

719
00:27:20,141 --> 00:27:22,268
it's today's special
at Legal Sea Food.

720
00:27:22,268 --> 00:27:24,520
It's fine.

721
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,315
I think it's delicious, Suze.

722
00:27:27,315 --> 00:27:29,150
Can you guys believe

723
00:27:29,150 --> 00:27:31,194
that we're just, like,
we're sitting here,

724
00:27:31,194 --> 00:27:33,863
and we're, like,
having an experience

725
00:27:33,863 --> 00:27:36,699
and experiencing reality
all at once.

726
00:27:36,699 --> 00:27:38,326
Hey, Susan.

727
00:27:38,326 --> 00:27:41,704
Susan, I just wanna say
you have found your haircut.

728
00:27:41,704 --> 00:27:43,414
What, you think so?

729
00:27:43,414 --> 00:27:44,665
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

730
00:27:44,665 --> 00:27:47,210
You could ride this to 70,
and you'd be fine.

731
00:27:47,210 --> 00:27:50,963
Well, I just took a picture
of Tipper Gore into the salon,

732
00:27:50,963 --> 00:27:53,216
and I said, now,
I know it can't be like that,

733
00:27:53,216 --> 00:27:55,385
but try to get it
as close as you can.

734
00:27:55,385 --> 00:27:57,512
And so well, uh--

735
00:27:57,512 --> 00:27:59,639
Tipper Gore should
bring in a picture of you.

736
00:27:59,639 --> 00:28:00,973
Stop it.

737
00:28:00,973 --> 00:28:05,019
This night.

738
00:28:05,019 --> 00:28:08,064
Is there a fucking gas leak
or something?

739
00:28:11,859 --> 00:28:13,277
It's funny.

740
00:28:13,277 --> 00:28:14,362
I ate all those Steak-Umms,
and I'm still hungry.

741
00:28:14,362 --> 00:28:16,531
Oh, fuck.
These are so good.

742
00:28:16,531 --> 00:28:17,907
So good.

743
00:28:17,907 --> 00:28:19,575
And look at the
intricate carvings.

744
00:28:19,575 --> 00:28:21,202
Yeah.

745
00:28:21,202 --> 00:28:22,745
Yeah, is this
some Illuminati shit?

746
00:28:22,745 --> 00:28:23,996
That's what I've heard.

747
00:28:23,996 --> 00:28:26,874
Like, if you can decipher
what's on an Oreo,

748
00:28:26,874 --> 00:28:28,793
you can know the mind of God.

749
00:28:28,793 --> 00:28:30,878
I heard no two Oreos
are alike.

750
00:28:30,878 --> 00:28:32,505
Hey.

751
00:28:32,505 --> 00:28:34,465
What a great conversation.

752
00:28:36,008 --> 00:28:37,176
I fucking knew it.

753
00:28:37,176 --> 00:28:38,803
- Oh, shit!
- Hi, Blaire.

754
00:28:38,803 --> 00:28:40,304
You guys are stoned.

755
00:28:40,304 --> 00:28:42,098
Look, Blaire, Blaire,
it's a little more complicated.

756
00:28:42,098 --> 00:28:44,600
No, you fucking swore
it was just for you.

757
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:45,852
All right.
OK.

758
00:28:45,852 --> 00:28:47,437
I didn't wanna have
to resort to this.

759
00:28:47,437 --> 00:28:48,896
I love you.

760
00:28:48,896 --> 00:28:50,940
See? Now you're not
mad at me anymore.

761
00:28:50,940 --> 00:28:52,650
And fuck you, by the way.

762
00:28:52,650 --> 00:28:53,776
I've been trying for two weeks

763
00:28:53,776 --> 00:28:55,111
to get Susan to fix
that haircut.

764
00:28:55,111 --> 00:28:57,113
Blaire, listen.
It's my fault.

765
00:28:57,113 --> 00:28:58,865
He tried to say no,
and I pressured him.

766
00:28:58,865 --> 00:29:00,450
No, no, no.
You're 16, all right?

767
00:29:00,450 --> 00:29:02,452
He's a talking teddy bear.
It's his fucking fault.

768
00:29:02,452 --> 00:29:04,454
OK, look, look, look.
I think if we all just take

769
00:29:04,454 --> 00:29:07,081
a couple of deep breaths here
and just try--

770
00:29:08,249 --> 00:29:09,375
Fuck!

771
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,469
Ted?

772
00:29:19,469 --> 00:29:21,471
Come on, where the hell are you?
I just want to talk.

773
00:29:21,471 --> 00:29:24,015
Yeah, bullshit!

774
00:29:24,015 --> 00:29:25,391
How the hell did
you get up there?

775
00:29:25,391 --> 00:29:26,642
Climbed the drainpipe.

776
00:29:26,642 --> 00:29:28,811
OK, well,
why don't you come on down here

777
00:29:28,811 --> 00:29:30,396
and we can discuss
the situation?

778
00:29:30,396 --> 00:29:32,065
No, 'cause you're
gonna come at me.

779
00:29:32,065 --> 00:29:33,649
I-I'm not.
I promise.

780
00:29:33,649 --> 00:29:34,859
It wasn't my fault.

781
00:29:34,859 --> 00:29:37,570
Oh, my God, your boy,
he's on the roof!

782
00:29:37,570 --> 00:29:38,905
It's all right, Mrs. Fechko.

783
00:29:38,905 --> 00:29:40,573
I'll call
the fire department!

784
00:29:40,573 --> 00:29:42,033
That's really not necessary.

785
00:29:42,033 --> 00:29:43,868
But your son,
he's gonna fall!

786
00:29:43,868 --> 00:29:45,536
He's not.

787
00:29:45,536 --> 00:29:46,662
Yeah, there's a lot here

788
00:29:46,662 --> 00:29:48,372
you're not understanding,
Mrs. Fechhko.

789
00:29:48,372 --> 00:29:50,333
For God's sake, you've
been listening to the news?

790
00:29:50,333 --> 00:29:52,543
Eisenhower says
we all gotta stay inside!

791
00:29:52,543 --> 00:29:54,504
Oh, my God!

792
00:29:54,504 --> 00:29:57,131
- Ted, get down here, OK?

793
00:29:57,131 --> 00:29:58,758
I'm not gonna talk to you
like this.

794
00:29:58,758 --> 00:29:59,884
Yeah, well, tough shit.

795
00:29:59,884 --> 00:30:01,135
I'm gonna live up here
from now on.

796
00:30:01,135 --> 00:30:02,720
That's insane.
You're insane.

797
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,138
No, I'm not.

798
00:30:04,138 --> 00:30:06,474
I'll get Johnny to bring me
food and maybe even soil

799
00:30:06,474 --> 00:30:08,518
so I can grow crops
right here in the rain gutter.

800
00:30:08,518 --> 00:30:10,728
And if the weather's temperate,
by harvest season,

801
00:30:10,728 --> 00:30:11,896
I'll be able to--

802
00:30:12,855 --> 00:30:14,065
Fuck!

803
00:30:15,733 --> 00:30:17,735
OK, you little shit,
you are in a lot of trouble.

804
00:30:17,735 --> 00:30:18,820
Look, it was--

805
00:30:18,820 --> 00:30:20,196
You gave pot
to a 16-year-old.

806
00:30:20,196 --> 00:30:21,989
I mean, what the fuck
were you thinking?

807
00:30:21,989 --> 00:30:23,533
Well, on the bright side,
he loved it.

808
00:30:23,533 --> 00:30:25,118
I sold that pot to you.

809
00:30:25,118 --> 00:30:26,285
Yeah, you were wrong
to do that.

810
00:30:26,285 --> 00:30:27,745
You do realize
I am now responsible

811
00:30:27,745 --> 00:30:30,248
for introducing drugs
to my underage cousin?

812
00:30:30,248 --> 00:30:31,791
I could be
in really deep shit here.

813
00:30:31,791 --> 00:30:34,001
Boy, it must be cool
being this tall all the time.

814
00:30:34,001 --> 00:30:35,962
Get rid of that weed
or so help me God,

815
00:30:35,962 --> 00:30:37,255
you are going
in the fucking dryer.

816
00:30:37,255 --> 00:30:38,881
Oh, big deal.
I've been in dryers.

817
00:30:38,881 --> 00:30:40,049
I'll put you in a Matty load.

818
00:30:40,049 --> 00:30:41,217
OK, fuck.
I'll do it. I'll do it.

819
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,561
OK. So we plant the weed
in my locker.

820
00:30:51,561 --> 00:30:53,479
Then you go to the principal
and rat me out.

821
00:30:53,479 --> 00:30:56,190
She searches my locker,
and boom, it's back to Plinko.

822
00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:58,151
- All right.
- Not yet, not yet.

823
00:30:58,151 --> 00:30:59,360
We gotta wait till
the bell rings.

824
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,696
- Yeah, sorry.
- Just act normal.

825
00:31:01,696 --> 00:31:03,072
Right now, we're just two guys

826
00:31:03,072 --> 00:31:04,699
standing here,
having a conversation.

827
00:31:04,699 --> 00:31:05,950
Yeah.

828
00:31:05,950 --> 00:31:07,410
About what?

829
00:31:07,410 --> 00:31:10,496
I don't know. Uh,
what's the last movie you saw?

830
00:31:10,496 --> 00:31:12,999
- Uh, "Alive."
- Which one's that?

831
00:31:12,999 --> 00:31:15,418
Oh, it's the one where
the rugby team crashes

832
00:31:15,418 --> 00:31:18,171
in the Andes in the '70s
and they ran out of food,

833
00:31:18,171 --> 00:31:19,297
so they had to eat each other.

834
00:31:19,297 --> 00:31:21,841
- You're kidding.
- No, it's a true story.

835
00:31:21,841 --> 00:31:24,469
Like--like, eat each other
alive like they're trading?

836
00:31:24,469 --> 00:31:26,512
Like, you give me your hand,
I give you my foot?

837
00:31:26,512 --> 00:31:27,764
No, no.

838
00:31:27,764 --> 00:31:29,307
It's like some of the guys
died in the crash,

839
00:31:29,307 --> 00:31:31,100
and then the ones that survived
had to eat the dead guys.

840
00:31:31,100 --> 00:31:34,145
Oh, man.
Yeah, I--I couldn't do that.

841
00:31:34,145 --> 00:31:36,105
Me neither, man.

842
00:31:36,105 --> 00:31:37,940
Plus, it's all dudes,
so it's even worse.

843
00:31:37,940 --> 00:31:39,859
Yeah--what?

844
00:31:39,859 --> 00:31:41,235
It's all dudes, you know?

845
00:31:41,235 --> 00:31:43,613
You're eating guys.
It's like double gross.

846
00:31:43,613 --> 00:31:45,114
Well, I mean--I mean,

847
00:31:45,114 --> 00:31:47,867
I would think it would be
objectionable across the board.

848
00:31:47,867 --> 00:31:51,454
No, no. Yeah, it would.
It's just like a hat on a hat.

849
00:31:51,454 --> 00:31:53,706
So if you were
on a plane that crashed

850
00:31:53,706 --> 00:31:56,542
and Tom Hanks and Diane Keaton
were on it too,

851
00:31:56,542 --> 00:31:58,294
and they died
and you survived,

852
00:31:58,294 --> 00:31:59,587
who would you eat first?

853
00:31:59,587 --> 00:32:01,255
Am I the only other person
on the plane?

854
00:32:01,255 --> 00:32:02,507
- Yeah.
- What about the pilots?

855
00:32:02,507 --> 00:32:04,300
It's an experimental
aircraft, all automated.

856
00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:05,676
Well, maybe that's why
it went down.

857
00:32:05,676 --> 00:32:07,428
But the technology
still needed more study, yes,

858
00:32:07,428 --> 00:32:08,888
but the Pentagon was
getting impatient

859
00:32:08,888 --> 00:32:10,890
and they wanted results,
so they pushed up the launch.

860
00:32:10,890 --> 00:32:12,725
Wait, why wouldn't they have
a seasoned flight crew on board

861
00:32:12,725 --> 00:32:13,851
instead of two actors?

862
00:32:13,851 --> 00:32:15,311
<i>Oscar-winning</i> actors.

863
00:32:15,311 --> 00:32:17,105
- Fair enough.
- These are taxpayer dollars.

864
00:32:17,105 --> 00:32:18,189
They need the public's interest

865
00:32:18,189 --> 00:32:19,690
or support for the funding
dries up.

866
00:32:19,690 --> 00:32:21,776
Wait, since when does the
military need public support

867
00:32:21,776 --> 00:32:23,319
to fund experimental aircraft?

868
00:32:23,319 --> 00:32:25,154
Would you eat Tom Hanks
or Diane Keaton?

869
00:32:25,154 --> 00:32:26,322
I'd start with Diane

870
00:32:26,322 --> 00:32:27,240
and then if
I didn't get rescued,

871
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:28,449
I'd move on to Tom.

872
00:32:28,449 --> 00:32:29,617
Yeah, see?

873
00:32:29,617 --> 00:32:30,827
I think it's weird
that you have an opinion

874
00:32:30,827 --> 00:32:31,828
one way or the other.

875
00:32:33,454 --> 00:32:35,081
OK. Here we go.
Let me have it.

876
00:32:38,876 --> 00:32:41,212
Man, we really put a dent
in this thing, didn't we?

877
00:32:41,212 --> 00:32:43,214
Whoa.
What have we got here?

878
00:32:43,214 --> 00:32:44,298
Oh, shit.

879
00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:45,842
Bennett, you partake?

880
00:32:45,842 --> 00:32:46,843
Give it back, Clive.

881
00:32:46,843 --> 00:32:48,511
John Bennett gets high.

882
00:32:48,511 --> 00:32:50,722
Maybe you're not as much
of a pussy as I thought.

883
00:32:50,722 --> 00:32:52,390
That is a very important
bag of weed.

884
00:32:52,390 --> 00:32:53,891
Now, I know where
to get a free buzz.

885
00:32:53,891 --> 00:32:55,017
Thanks, Bud.

886
00:32:56,227 --> 00:32:57,687
- God damn it, Clive.

887
00:32:57,687 --> 00:32:58,938
We need that weed!

888
00:33:01,065 --> 00:33:02,191
Teddy!

889
00:33:02,191 --> 00:33:04,110
- Shit.
- Teddy, are you OK?

890
00:33:05,486 --> 00:33:07,196
What the hell are you two
doing out here?

891
00:33:07,196 --> 00:33:09,365
Get to class now.

892
00:33:09,365 --> 00:33:13,369
Um, "227" sucks balls
and so do you.

893
00:33:15,455 --> 00:33:17,206
OK, now, you know
I didn't mean that.

894
00:33:17,206 --> 00:33:19,208
I just needed a reason
to be dragged in here.

895
00:33:19,208 --> 00:33:21,377
Look, you can trash-talk me,
Ted,

896
00:33:21,377 --> 00:33:23,838
but nobody throws shade
at Pearl Shay.

897
00:33:23,838 --> 00:33:25,256
Yes.
I apologize.

898
00:33:25,256 --> 00:33:27,341
We have all benefited
from her windowsill wisdom.

899
00:33:27,341 --> 00:33:28,676
She is a national treasure.

900
00:33:28,676 --> 00:33:30,928
But listen, you gotta
kick me out of school.

901
00:33:30,928 --> 00:33:32,597
Ted, I already told you.

902
00:33:32,597 --> 00:33:33,890
I have weed.

903
00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:35,141
What?

904
00:33:35,141 --> 00:33:36,142
I am in possession
of marijuana

905
00:33:36,142 --> 00:33:37,643
here on school premises.

906
00:33:37,643 --> 00:33:39,228
May I see it?

907
00:33:39,228 --> 00:33:41,898
Well, I--I lost it.

908
00:33:41,898 --> 00:33:43,107
You lost it?

909
00:33:43,107 --> 00:33:44,901
Yeah, but--but
he had weed, all right?

910
00:33:44,901 --> 00:33:46,069
I'm a witness.

911
00:33:46,069 --> 00:33:47,487
I would need
to see the marijuana

912
00:33:47,487 --> 00:33:49,197
for there to be consequences.

913
00:33:49,197 --> 00:33:50,573
Look, we are
telling you the truth.

914
00:33:50,573 --> 00:33:52,533
Yeah, I'm a bad seed.
See? Look.

915
00:33:52,533 --> 00:33:53,618
I love you.

916
00:33:53,618 --> 00:33:54,619
Drugs!

917
00:33:54,619 --> 00:33:55,661
I love drugs.

918
00:33:55,661 --> 00:33:56,954
I'm sorry, boys.

919
00:33:56,954 --> 00:33:58,915
I can't just take your word
that you have pot.

920
00:33:58,915 --> 00:34:01,292
Ah, this is bullshit, man.
I'm getting railroaded.

921
00:34:01,292 --> 00:34:02,919
All right, look,
Clive has it, all right?

922
00:34:02,919 --> 00:34:04,212
Go check.
- Clive?

923
00:34:04,212 --> 00:34:05,713
Yeah.

924
00:34:05,713 --> 00:34:07,632
Well then, if Clive has it,
he's the one in trouble.

925
00:34:07,632 --> 00:34:10,176
No, no. It's not his weed.
He was just holding it for me.

926
00:34:10,176 --> 00:34:11,969
OK.
We're done here.

927
00:34:11,969 --> 00:34:13,346
All right.
It's OK.

928
00:34:13,346 --> 00:34:15,932
This motherfucking bear's
got a backup plan.

929
00:34:22,772 --> 00:34:23,898
All right, it's clear.

930
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,485
Teddy, I don't like this.
It's stealing.

931
00:34:27,485 --> 00:34:29,445
What am I supposed to do?
Just ask her for it?

932
00:34:29,445 --> 00:34:31,531
She'll shove me in the dryer
with Matty's clothes.

933
00:34:31,531 --> 00:34:32,698
Well, how bad could that be?

934
00:34:32,698 --> 00:34:35,284
Matty changed his pants
during dinner.

935
00:34:35,284 --> 00:34:36,452
Yeah, that's bad.

936
00:34:36,452 --> 00:34:37,829
All right, let's find it.

937
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:44,711
- Jesus.
- What?

938
00:34:44,711 --> 00:34:47,630
There's a whole drawer here
that's just cans of tuna.

939
00:34:47,630 --> 00:34:48,631
How sad.

940
00:34:50,299 --> 00:34:51,384
Wait.
Wait.

941
00:34:51,384 --> 00:34:52,677
Oh, fuck yeah.

942
00:34:52,677 --> 00:34:55,138
- You found it?
- Jackpot.

943
00:34:55,138 --> 00:34:56,305
Great.
Let's go.

944
00:34:59,434 --> 00:35:00,727
Fuck.
- Shit.

945
00:35:00,727 --> 00:35:02,061
Let's go in here.

946
00:35:04,981 --> 00:35:06,816
All the way over and dances.

947
00:35:06,816 --> 00:35:08,067
Hang on a sec.

948
00:35:08,067 --> 00:35:09,485
I think I have a pack
around here somewhere.

949
00:35:09,485 --> 00:35:11,487
Oh, thank you so much.

950
00:35:11,487 --> 00:35:14,115
The CVS only had
the men's razors,

951
00:35:14,115 --> 00:35:17,577
and I think those
are only for faces.

952
00:35:17,577 --> 00:35:19,495
- There you go.
- Thank you.

953
00:35:19,495 --> 00:35:20,913
You know, it's the '90s,
Aunt Suze.

954
00:35:20,913 --> 00:35:23,249
You can go without shaving
your legs if you want.

955
00:35:23,249 --> 00:35:27,045
Oh.

956
00:35:27,045 --> 00:35:28,421
When I was in high school,

957
00:35:28,421 --> 00:35:31,215
I used to forget sometimes
and I'd get made fun of.

958
00:35:31,215 --> 00:35:33,134
Oh, really?
I hate that.

959
00:35:33,134 --> 00:35:35,845
It's probably why
I'm so self-conscious about it.

960
00:35:38,431 --> 00:35:41,100
Can I ask you something?

961
00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:43,561
Yeah, sure.
Anything.

962
00:35:43,561 --> 00:35:45,563
One of the girls who
used to make fun of me,

963
00:35:45,563 --> 00:35:48,316
her name was Margie Cronin.

964
00:35:48,316 --> 00:35:51,194
She used to call me Sasquatch.

965
00:35:51,194 --> 00:35:53,863
She was so mean to me
in school,

966
00:35:53,863 --> 00:35:57,658
and afterward, we didn't see
each other for a long time.

967
00:35:57,658 --> 00:35:59,660
And then about a year ago,

968
00:35:59,660 --> 00:36:02,705
I saw in the flatware
department at Bradley's.

969
00:36:02,705 --> 00:36:05,958
And I saw that
she'd lost a hand.

970
00:36:05,958 --> 00:36:09,837
And I was so happy about it.

971
00:36:09,837 --> 00:36:12,256
Does it make me
a terrible person?

972
00:36:12,256 --> 00:36:15,343
I don't--I don't think so.

973
00:36:15,343 --> 00:36:17,929
Because I felt so awful
about my feelings.

974
00:36:17,929 --> 00:36:20,723
And I went to confession
and Father O'Neill said,

975
00:36:20,723 --> 00:36:24,018
"Well, God wouldn't approve
of that."

976
00:36:24,018 --> 00:36:27,271
Maybe this Christmas
I should make her a mitten.

977
00:36:27,271 --> 00:36:28,898
Uh, maybe.

978
00:36:28,898 --> 00:36:30,650
With a pretty,
little card that says,

979
00:36:30,650 --> 00:36:32,568
"I'm sorry for your hand."

980
00:36:32,568 --> 00:36:34,862
I would just
let that one lie.

981
00:36:39,033 --> 00:36:40,743
What was that noise?

982
00:36:40,743 --> 00:36:42,453
I think someone's
in the closet.

983
00:36:44,622 --> 00:36:46,040
- W-w-what's that?
- It's Mace.

984
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:47,417
Just be careful.

985
00:36:53,715 --> 00:36:55,341
both: Fuck!
- What the fuck?

986
00:36:55,341 --> 00:36:56,592
Oh, it burns!

987
00:36:56,592 --> 00:36:58,261
Why the fuck
do you have Mace?

988
00:36:58,261 --> 00:36:59,762
Why the fuck are you
in my closet?

989
00:36:59,762 --> 00:37:01,597
What, do you protect
your tuna collection with that?

990
00:37:01,597 --> 00:37:02,682
Answer the question.

991
00:37:02,682 --> 00:37:04,600
Why do you have
the fucking tuna?

992
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:06,644
Are you scared to eat our food?
What is it?

993
00:37:06,644 --> 00:37:08,020
Answer my question.

994
00:37:08,020 --> 00:37:10,106
- Teddy! Teddy, where are you?

995
00:37:10,106 --> 00:37:11,107
Oh, my God.

996
00:37:11,107 --> 00:37:13,276
Uh, is that mary-ja-wana?

997
00:37:13,276 --> 00:37:14,569
Oh, shit.

998
00:37:14,569 --> 00:37:16,195
What are you
doing with drugs?

999
00:37:16,195 --> 00:37:17,280
Aunt Suze.

1000
00:37:19,240 --> 00:37:20,992
This is my fault.

1001
00:37:23,619 --> 00:37:25,538
We opened our home to you.

1002
00:37:25,538 --> 00:37:27,790
We let you stay here
in our house

1003
00:37:27,790 --> 00:37:29,292
so you could go
to that goddamn school.

1004
00:37:29,292 --> 00:37:32,545
I know, Uncle Matty.
And believe me, I am so sorry.

1005
00:37:32,545 --> 00:37:35,131
And you pay us back
by dealing drugs to our son?

1006
00:37:35,131 --> 00:37:37,592
I never wanted John to
get involved, I promise you.

1007
00:37:37,592 --> 00:37:38,801
I sold the pot to Ted.

1008
00:37:38,801 --> 00:37:40,470
I never should have
let Johnny try it.

1009
00:37:40,470 --> 00:37:42,638
I have failed in my role
as a--a--

1010
00:37:42,638 --> 00:37:44,932
a sort of
Jiminy Cricket figure.

1011
00:37:44,932 --> 00:37:46,392
I don't know what
the big deal is.

1012
00:37:46,392 --> 00:37:48,352
You know, weed's gonna be legal
in like a year anyway.

1013
00:37:48,352 --> 00:37:51,647
It's a gateway drug!
They talk about it on the news!

1014
00:37:51,647 --> 00:37:52,899
Well, what are
we supposed to do?

1015
00:37:52,899 --> 00:37:54,358
Start with heroin?

1016
00:37:54,358 --> 00:37:58,154
Well, why in God's name
are you dealing drugs at all?

1017
00:37:58,154 --> 00:38:01,616
My friend, Sarah and I,
we grow it in her apartment,

1018
00:38:01,616 --> 00:38:04,911
and we're using the money
to help pay for tuition.

1019
00:38:04,911 --> 00:38:06,496
Well, you--you can't work
at McDonald's?

1020
00:38:06,496 --> 00:38:07,997
It's 15k a year, Matty.

1021
00:38:07,997 --> 00:38:09,957
I'd have to sell <i>myself</i>
at McDonald's.

1022
00:38:09,957 --> 00:38:11,918
Oh, you could call it
Filet-O-Flesh.

1023
00:38:11,918 --> 00:38:13,044
Is that something?

1024
00:38:13,044 --> 00:38:14,379
She won't even work,
and here we are

1025
00:38:14,379 --> 00:38:15,630
putting her up out
of the goodness of our hearts!

1026
00:38:15,630 --> 00:38:17,090
Egg McFuckin', maybe?

1027
00:38:17,090 --> 00:38:19,008
The goodness of your hearts
and a monthly rent check.

1028
00:38:19,008 --> 00:38:20,468
A Quarter To Pound Her?

1029
00:38:20,468 --> 00:38:22,178
I--should I stop? I feel like
there's no traction here.

1030
00:38:22,178 --> 00:38:23,596
Matty?

1031
00:38:23,596 --> 00:38:25,264
You're charging her rent?

1032
00:38:25,264 --> 00:38:26,682
Yes, I am.

1033
00:38:26,682 --> 00:38:29,102
This is my house.
I got the right to charge rent.

1034
00:38:29,102 --> 00:38:30,686
But, Matty, she's family.

1035
00:38:30,686 --> 00:38:32,146
- Susan.
- She's our niece.

1036
00:38:32,146 --> 00:38:33,898
Susan, will you be quiet
and let me handle this?

1037
00:38:33,898 --> 00:38:35,858
Hey, don't talk to her
like that.

1038
00:38:35,858 --> 00:38:37,110
Excuse me?

1039
00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:38,236
You do this all the time.

1040
00:38:38,236 --> 00:38:39,904
You silence her voice,
you belittle her,

1041
00:38:39,904 --> 00:38:42,490
you cut her down,
you treat her like shit.

1042
00:38:42,490 --> 00:38:43,741
I do not.

1043
00:38:43,741 --> 00:38:46,202
I love my fucking wife,
and she knows it.

1044
00:38:46,202 --> 00:38:47,453
Don't you, Susan?

1045
00:38:47,453 --> 00:38:49,622
I can't believe
you'd make her pay rent.

1046
00:38:49,622 --> 00:38:51,874
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not
the one in the hot seat here.

1047
00:38:51,874 --> 00:38:54,544
She's a drug dealer, and I want
her out of this house tonight.

1048
00:38:54,544 --> 00:38:55,712
Matty, please.

1049
00:38:55,712 --> 00:38:58,423
End of discussion!
Tonight!

1050
00:38:58,423 --> 00:39:00,425
Come on.
Wait.

1051
00:39:05,513 --> 00:39:09,142
Christie! That was
the Black Barbie's name.

1052
00:39:30,204 --> 00:39:33,875
Hey, Blaire, uh,
can we talk to you for a sec?

1053
00:39:33,875 --> 00:39:35,126
Sure.

1054
00:39:35,126 --> 00:39:37,587
Got a couple minutes
before I become homeless.

1055
00:39:37,587 --> 00:39:41,382
Hey, listen, Blaire.
Uh, I'm really sorry.

1056
00:39:41,382 --> 00:39:42,759
Me too.

1057
00:39:42,759 --> 00:39:45,470
Yeah, well,
it's a little late for that.

1058
00:39:45,470 --> 00:39:47,555
We didn't want you
to have to leave.

1059
00:39:47,555 --> 00:39:50,224
Even if your bed is the size
of a pool table.

1060
00:39:50,224 --> 00:39:51,184
I mean, that's probably about

1061
00:39:51,184 --> 00:39:52,185
the size of a pool table, right?

1062
00:39:52,185 --> 00:39:54,353
Shut the fuck up, Teddy.

1063
00:39:54,353 --> 00:39:56,647
Look, we know you're mad
because Dad gave you the boot.

1064
00:39:56,647 --> 00:39:58,941
But--
- Yeah, that's not why I'm mad.

1065
00:39:58,941 --> 00:40:02,278
You have no idea why I'm mad.

1066
00:40:02,278 --> 00:40:05,573
Do you know all the details
of why I've been living here

1067
00:40:05,573 --> 00:40:08,493
when my own family
lives 45 minutes away?

1068
00:40:08,493 --> 00:40:10,036
I could easily
commute to school,

1069
00:40:10,036 --> 00:40:14,624
but my family is fucked,
every one of them.

1070
00:40:14,624 --> 00:40:17,710
In case you don't get
the scope of things,

1071
00:40:17,710 --> 00:40:21,172
my dad, your Uncle Bernie,
is a drunk and an asshole,

1072
00:40:21,172 --> 00:40:24,675
my mom's a psycho lunatic,
and my brother's in prison.

1073
00:40:24,675 --> 00:40:26,511
Jesus.
What about your dog?

1074
00:40:26,511 --> 00:40:27,512
Dead.

1075
00:40:27,512 --> 00:40:28,805
Fuck.

1076
00:40:28,805 --> 00:40:30,807
Mom and Dad are lost causes,
but...

1077
00:40:30,807 --> 00:40:34,310
I tried so hard
to protect Kevin.

1078
00:40:34,310 --> 00:40:36,145
And I couldn't.

1079
00:40:36,145 --> 00:40:38,689
He's his parents' son,
so now he's serving ten years

1080
00:40:38,689 --> 00:40:40,733
for robbing a Mrs. Fields
at gunpoint

1081
00:40:40,733 --> 00:40:42,151
<i>and</i> possession of crack.

1082
00:40:42,151 --> 00:40:44,195
Well, I mean,
Mrs. Fields and crack.

1083
00:40:44,195 --> 00:40:45,655
It's like
what's the difference, right?

1084
00:40:47,198 --> 00:40:48,408
Please, continue.

1085
00:40:48,408 --> 00:40:50,076
Look, I just--

1086
00:40:50,076 --> 00:40:52,703
I don't want the same thing
to happen to you.

1087
00:40:52,703 --> 00:40:54,831
And when I moved here,
I told myself

1088
00:40:54,831 --> 00:40:56,958
that I was gonna look after you

1089
00:40:56,958 --> 00:40:59,168
and make sure
the fucked up Bennett DNA

1090
00:40:59,168 --> 00:41:00,753
didn't get to you too.

1091
00:41:00,753 --> 00:41:02,964
And instead,
I introduced you

1092
00:41:02,964 --> 00:41:05,758
to the wonderful world
of drugs.

1093
00:41:05,758 --> 00:41:10,805
I'm not mad at you, all right?
I'm mad at myself.

1094
00:41:10,805 --> 00:41:13,182
Look, Blaire, I--

1095
00:41:13,182 --> 00:41:16,644
I never expected you
to look out for me like that.

1096
00:41:16,644 --> 00:41:21,399
Just take care of yourself,
all right?

1097
00:41:21,399 --> 00:41:23,401
Our family is poison.

1098
00:41:23,401 --> 00:41:26,195
Do better than them.

1099
00:41:26,195 --> 00:41:28,531
Where you gonna go?

1100
00:41:28,531 --> 00:41:30,658
Stay with Sarah
for a few weeks.

1101
00:41:30,658 --> 00:41:32,577
There's an open spot
near the sativa.

1102
00:41:32,577 --> 00:41:36,831
But after that, I don't know.

1103
00:41:39,250 --> 00:41:40,752
See you.

1104
00:41:50,344 --> 00:41:52,847
God, Lori Loughlin's
fucking gorgeous.

1105
00:41:52,847 --> 00:41:54,640
That woman can do no wrong.

1106
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:56,059
Hey, don't start jerking off.

1107
00:41:56,059 --> 00:41:57,810
Hey, that poster
is not for jerking off.

1108
00:41:57,810 --> 00:42:00,229
It's for imagining
being married, you sick fuck.

1109
00:42:00,229 --> 00:42:01,272
- Wow.
- Yeah!

1110
00:42:01,272 --> 00:42:03,107
You--you've imagined
the wedding?

1111
00:42:03,107 --> 00:42:04,400
Well, yeah.

1112
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,152
The cover of "People"
magazine's a photo of us,

1113
00:42:06,152 --> 00:42:08,279
and it says,
"Who's Loughlin now?"

1114
00:42:08,279 --> 00:42:10,198
So you took her name?

1115
00:42:10,198 --> 00:42:12,283
No, no.
But they need to sell copies.

1116
00:42:12,283 --> 00:42:14,702
Well, it's good to know
you can be both erect

1117
00:42:14,702 --> 00:42:16,329
and market-savvy.

1118
00:42:16,329 --> 00:42:18,581
Teddy,
this whole Blaire situation

1119
00:42:18,581 --> 00:42:19,749
is really shitty.

1120
00:42:19,749 --> 00:42:21,375
Yeah, I know.

1121
00:42:21,375 --> 00:42:23,753
I mean, I never knew
she thought of me that way.

1122
00:42:23,753 --> 00:42:25,630
It's like a little brother.

1123
00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:27,090
I always wanted a brother
or a sister,

1124
00:42:27,090 --> 00:42:30,635
and there she was,
right there all along.

1125
00:42:30,635 --> 00:42:32,011
Yeah.

1126
00:42:32,011 --> 00:42:34,180
I guess under all that
complaining about racism,

1127
00:42:34,180 --> 00:42:36,516
there's actually a good person
in there.

1128
00:42:36,516 --> 00:42:40,103
Teddy, we gotta do something.
I mean, this is our fault.

1129
00:42:40,103 --> 00:42:43,106
Like, maybe I can talk to Dad,
get him to change his mind.

1130
00:42:43,106 --> 00:42:44,941
Yeah, good luck.
He's never gonna listen.

1131
00:42:44,941 --> 00:42:45,983
I mean,
we can't just lay here

1132
00:42:45,983 --> 00:42:47,735
and let her get fucked over.

1133
00:42:47,735 --> 00:42:49,654
There's gotta be something
we can do.

1134
00:42:49,654 --> 00:42:51,531
Wait a minute.
You know what?

1135
00:42:51,531 --> 00:42:52,907
There is.

1136
00:42:52,907 --> 00:42:56,869
We are gonna open the box.

1137
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,212
There you go.
I'll be right outside.

1138
00:43:06,212 --> 00:43:07,422
Just let me know when
you're finished.

1139
00:43:07,422 --> 00:43:08,840
- Thank you.
- Thanks.

1140
00:43:11,384 --> 00:43:12,885
Did you know that

1141
00:43:12,885 --> 00:43:15,930
textile polymers are so thin
nowadays that someone could be

1142
00:43:15,930 --> 00:43:19,684
wearing an adult diaper
and no one would even know it?

1143
00:43:19,684 --> 00:43:20,768
What?

1144
00:43:20,768 --> 00:43:21,894
No bulky padding,

1145
00:43:21,894 --> 00:43:24,105
no unsightly bulges
in the trousers.

1146
00:43:24,105 --> 00:43:26,274
I--I didn't know that.
No.

1147
00:43:26,274 --> 00:43:27,400
It's amazing.

1148
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:29,902
A person, anyone could
be talking to you

1149
00:43:29,902 --> 00:43:33,114
and relieving themselves
at the same time.

1150
00:43:33,114 --> 00:43:35,783
And you'd never even know it.

1151
00:43:35,783 --> 00:43:36,826
OK.

1152
00:43:36,826 --> 00:43:39,036
And that's great news.

1153
00:43:39,036 --> 00:43:40,705
Are you wearing a diaper?

1154
00:43:40,705 --> 00:43:42,582
No.
Don't make this weird.

1155
00:43:42,582 --> 00:43:43,624
OK.

1156
00:43:43,624 --> 00:43:44,667
I'm just saying

1157
00:43:44,667 --> 00:43:46,127
the technology has come so far

1158
00:43:46,127 --> 00:43:48,379
that limits
practically don't exist.

1159
00:43:48,379 --> 00:43:50,006
It's all about confidence.

1160
00:43:50,006 --> 00:43:52,008
So take that long car ride,

1161
00:43:52,008 --> 00:43:55,344
climb that mountain,
have that iced tea refill.

1162
00:43:55,344 --> 00:43:57,055
We--we will.

1163
00:44:00,433 --> 00:44:03,394
What limits?

1164
00:44:04,645 --> 00:44:05,938
Jesus, we gotta switch banks.

1165
00:44:05,938 --> 00:44:07,398
Yeah, seriously.

1166
00:44:13,654 --> 00:44:14,781
Here it is.

1167
00:44:14,781 --> 00:44:16,074
Yep.

1168
00:44:16,074 --> 00:44:17,909
You're sure you wanna
do this, right?

1169
00:44:17,909 --> 00:44:19,327
I mean, once Dad
finds out you have it,

1170
00:44:19,327 --> 00:44:21,370
there's no going back,
like ever.

1171
00:44:21,370 --> 00:44:22,622
He's gonna go nuts.

1172
00:44:22,622 --> 00:44:23,790
That's why I never told him.

1173
00:44:23,790 --> 00:44:25,208
I guess deep down,

1174
00:44:25,208 --> 00:44:27,377
I was saving it
for a day like this

1175
00:44:27,377 --> 00:44:30,546
when the chips were down
and all hope seemed lost.

1176
00:44:30,546 --> 00:44:32,131
OK.

1177
00:44:32,131 --> 00:44:34,050
Good.
Let's do it.

1178
00:44:34,050 --> 00:44:36,636
All right, we're done!

1179
00:44:36,636 --> 00:44:38,054
Sir?

1180
00:44:38,054 --> 00:44:40,765
- I need you to open box 1080.

1181
00:44:40,765 --> 00:44:42,100
There's a pair of jeans
in there!

1182
00:44:42,100 --> 00:44:43,935
- What?
- Just do it!

1183
00:44:49,982 --> 00:44:51,401
What, you're just--
you're just not gonna--

1184
00:44:51,401 --> 00:44:53,861
not gonna talk to me
for the rest of your life, huh?

1185
00:44:53,861 --> 00:44:55,780
Is that it?

1186
00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:58,991
Well, you'd--
you've--you've taken

1187
00:44:58,991 --> 00:45:04,080
a--taken a vow of silence,
like a--like a monk, huh?

1188
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:05,998
You're gonna--you're
gonna shave your head too?

1189
00:45:05,998 --> 00:45:08,000
'Cause, well, go ahead.

1190
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:09,252
Go ahead, then you won't--
then you won't--

1191
00:45:09,252 --> 00:45:11,462
then you won't
clog the shower drain.

1192
00:45:15,466 --> 00:45:16,592
What do you guys want?

1193
00:45:16,592 --> 00:45:17,927
I want to cut a deal.

1194
00:45:17,927 --> 00:45:20,263
What?
What are you talking about?

1195
00:45:20,263 --> 00:45:21,848
Let me tell you a story,
Matty.

1196
00:45:21,848 --> 00:45:23,266
Back when I was in Hollywood,

1197
00:45:23,266 --> 00:45:26,936
I almost made a movie
with Sly Stallone.

1198
00:45:26,936 --> 00:45:28,730
- Bullshit.
- No bullshit.

1199
00:45:28,730 --> 00:45:30,314
- "Rocky" Stallone?
- Yep.

1200
00:45:30,314 --> 00:45:32,400
He came to me with a project
and I said yes.

1201
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:34,569
It was gonna be about
this astronaut cop

1202
00:45:34,569 --> 00:45:36,320
and this wisecracking bear.

1203
00:45:36,320 --> 00:45:37,572
I was the bear.

1204
00:45:37,572 --> 00:45:39,782
And they gotta go to space
to save Christmas,

1205
00:45:39,782 --> 00:45:41,159
but then the
"Challenger" exploded,

1206
00:45:41,159 --> 00:45:42,827
so they had to
scrap the project.

1207
00:45:42,827 --> 00:45:44,704
Oh, man, what a bummer.

1208
00:45:44,704 --> 00:45:46,080
I know, right?

1209
00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:47,206
I mean, that's when
America could have used

1210
00:45:47,206 --> 00:45:48,958
a movie like that the most!

1211
00:45:48,958 --> 00:45:51,377
Anyway, Stallone felt
really bad about it,

1212
00:45:51,377 --> 00:45:53,921
so he gave me this.

1213
00:46:02,805 --> 00:46:03,806
What is it?

1214
00:46:03,806 --> 00:46:06,684
Rocky's mouth guard.

1215
00:46:06,684 --> 00:46:08,394
Fuck you.
You're kidding.

1216
00:46:08,394 --> 00:46:09,937
- Nope.
- You're shitting me.

1217
00:46:09,937 --> 00:46:11,147
No shit.

1218
00:46:11,147 --> 00:46:13,316
Wait.
Does that mean--

1219
00:46:13,316 --> 00:46:15,485
Yes, the one at
Planet Hollywood is a fake.

1220
00:46:15,485 --> 00:46:17,820
Holy--

1221
00:46:17,820 --> 00:46:20,031
holy shit!

1222
00:46:20,031 --> 00:46:21,574
Holy fucking shit!

1223
00:46:21,574 --> 00:46:24,035
Now, I will give you
this priceless item...

1224
00:46:25,286 --> 00:46:29,040
If you give Blaire
another chance.

1225
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:31,876
- Huh?
- Just let her stay.

1226
00:46:31,876 --> 00:46:34,670
Oh.

1227
00:46:34,670 --> 00:46:35,838
I don't know.

1228
00:46:35,838 --> 00:46:39,675
Hey, why don't you put it on?

1229
00:46:39,675 --> 00:46:41,177
Go on.

1230
00:46:41,177 --> 00:46:44,722
That was in Sylvester
Stallone's mouth in 1976.

1231
00:46:44,722 --> 00:46:47,058
See how it feels in yours.

1232
00:46:54,399 --> 00:46:55,691
Mmm.

1233
00:46:57,777 --> 00:47:00,655
Oh.

1234
00:47:00,655 --> 00:47:02,073
Oh, wow.

1235
00:47:03,866 --> 00:47:06,202
I feel him.

1236
00:47:06,202 --> 00:47:08,371
I--I--I feel him in my mouth.

1237
00:47:08,371 --> 00:47:10,331
You gotta go the distance,
Matty.

1238
00:47:10,331 --> 00:47:11,999
Rocky would never have given up

1239
00:47:11,999 --> 00:47:13,418
on his brother's wife's
daughter.

1240
00:47:13,418 --> 00:47:15,169
And neither should you.
- No.

1241
00:47:15,169 --> 00:47:16,254
What do you say?

1242
00:47:22,385 --> 00:47:24,721
- OK.
- OK, what?

1243
00:47:24,721 --> 00:47:25,930
She can stay.

1244
00:47:25,930 --> 00:47:28,558
Oh, Matty, you mean it?

1245
00:47:28,558 --> 00:47:29,809
Yeah, fuck it.

1246
00:47:29,809 --> 00:47:30,810
Oh!

1247
00:47:30,810 --> 00:47:33,062
Oh, honey, and no rent?

1248
00:47:33,062 --> 00:47:34,188
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right?

1249
00:47:34,188 --> 00:47:37,108
- Fine, fine.
- Thank you so much.

1250
00:47:39,068 --> 00:47:42,780
I'm gonna sleep in it.

1251
00:47:42,780 --> 00:47:44,741
Nice job, Teddy.

1252
00:47:44,741 --> 00:47:47,160
We did it.
- Yeah, we did.

1253
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:48,077
You know,
I think you and Stallone

1254
00:47:48,077 --> 00:47:49,454
could still make that movie.

1255
00:47:49,454 --> 00:47:52,123
Oh, God. No way.
It was total fucking garbage.

1256
00:47:52,123 --> 00:47:54,417
I don't wanna sound crazy,
but I honestly think

1257
00:47:54,417 --> 00:47:56,252
Paramount blew up
the space shuttle

1258
00:47:56,252 --> 00:47:57,712
so they wouldn't have
to make that movie.

1259
00:47:57,712 --> 00:47:59,130
Jesus, that bad, huh?

1260
00:47:59,130 --> 00:48:02,341
- It was that bad, yeah.
- Shit.

1261
00:48:07,263 --> 00:48:09,432
I don't know
how to thank you guys.

1262
00:48:09,432 --> 00:48:13,561
I mean, never in a million years
did I expect this.

1263
00:48:13,561 --> 00:48:15,688
You know,
I was starting to think

1264
00:48:15,688 --> 00:48:18,149
it was impossible for any of us
to break the curse

1265
00:48:18,149 --> 00:48:21,360
of the Bennett blood,
but what you did,

1266
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:24,489
it gives me a lot of hope.

1267
00:48:24,489 --> 00:48:25,782
Thank you.

1268
00:48:25,782 --> 00:48:27,408
Ah, we were just trying
to make things right.

1269
00:48:27,408 --> 00:48:30,661
No, no, no, no.
I--I mean it, though.

1270
00:48:30,661 --> 00:48:33,122
You're not like
the rest of the family.

1271
00:48:33,122 --> 00:48:35,166
You've got a shot.

1272
00:48:35,166 --> 00:48:38,044
I think of my dad,
drunk on his ratty couch,

1273
00:48:38,044 --> 00:48:40,129
watching "Flash Gordon"
or some shit,

1274
00:48:40,129 --> 00:48:43,424
but that's not gonna be you.

1275
00:48:43,424 --> 00:48:46,010
You--you're gonna do
something with your life.

1276
00:48:46,010 --> 00:48:48,638
You're gonna be somebody.

1277
00:48:48,638 --> 00:48:49,680
Thanks, Blaire.

1278
00:48:54,143 --> 00:48:57,146
Just promise me this.

1279
00:48:57,146 --> 00:48:59,440
No more drugs.
Yeah?

1280
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:01,776
No more drugs.

1281
00:49:05,696 --> 00:49:07,907
Besides pot.

1282
00:49:09,325 --> 00:49:10,993
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1283
00:49:10,993 --> 00:49:12,995
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1284
00:49:12,995 --> 00:49:14,705
<i>♪ Savior of the universe ♪</i>

1285
00:49:20,336 --> 00:49:22,088
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1286
00:49:22,088 --> 00:49:24,173
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1287
00:49:24,173 --> 00:49:25,842
<i>♪ He'll save every one of us ♪</i>

1288
00:49:39,063 --> 00:49:40,857
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1289
00:49:40,857 --> 00:49:43,192
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1290
00:49:43,192 --> 00:49:44,527
<i>♪ He's a miracle ♪</i>

1291
00:49:50,158 --> 00:49:51,868
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1292
00:49:51,868 --> 00:49:53,619
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1293
00:49:53,619 --> 00:49:55,246
<i>♪ King of the impossible ♪</i>

1294
00:49:58,124 --> 00:50:00,209
<i>♪ He's for every one of us ♪</i>

1295
00:50:00,209 --> 00:50:02,462
<i>♪ Stand for every one of us ♪</i>

1296
00:50:02,462 --> 00:50:03,963
<i>♪ He saves
with a mighty hand ♪</i>

1297
00:50:03,963 --> 00:50:05,506
<i>♪ Every man, every woman,
every child ♪</i>

1298
00:50:05,506 --> 00:50:07,050
<i>♪ It's the mighty flash ♪</i>

1299
00:50:19,395 --> 00:50:21,064
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1300
00:50:21,064 --> 00:50:23,816
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1301
00:50:30,156 --> 00:50:31,824
<i>♪ Flash! ♪</i>

1302
00:50:31,824 --> 00:50:34,118
<i>♪ A-ah! ♪</i>

1303
00:50:34,118 --> 00:50:36,120
<i>♪ He'll save every one of us ♪</i>