1 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,219 {\an8}[Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:12,930 {\an8}♪ ♪ 3 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,432 {\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪ 4 00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:16,350 {\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 5 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,479 {\an8}♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 6 00:00:19,479 --> 00:00:23,107 {\an8}♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 7 00:00:23,107 --> 00:00:25,860 {\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 8 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,782 {\an8}[upbeat music] 9 00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:34,786 {\an8}♪ ♪ 10 00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:37,330 {\an8}- The other night I was out at a basketball game 11 00:00:37,330 --> 00:00:39,248 {\an8}with my whole family. - Right. 12 00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:42,085 {\an8}- And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down 13 00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:46,047 {\an8}a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully. 14 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:49,801 {\an8}He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off. 15 00:00:49,801 --> 00:00:51,260 {\an8}[laughter] 16 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,345 {\an8}And it was awful, because when he beat me, 17 00:00:52,345 --> 00:00:54,555 {\an8}my teeth were also in my hairpiece. 18 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,723 {\an8}[laughter] 19 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,058 {\an8}Oh, man. 20 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,518 {\an8}The Jerky Boys are like the greatest 21 00:00:58,518 --> 00:00:59,685 {\an8}living comedy geniuses. 22 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,062 {\an8}I know. 23 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,772 {\an8}It's like the telephone was just 24 00:01:02,772 --> 00:01:04,607 {\an8}sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys-- 25 00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:05,858 {\an8}both: To figure out what it was for. 26 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:08,111 {\an8}See, yeah, you understand. You understand. 27 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,780 {\an8}All right. I gotta take a leak. 28 00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:11,781 {\an8}Oh, shit. 29 00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:12,782 {\an8}Oh, fuck. 30 00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,367 {\an8}Clive, 2 o'clock. 31 00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,785 {\an8}He follows you in there, you're a dead man. 32 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:16,786 {\an8}This is bad. 33 00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,246 {\an8}I really got to go. 34 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,622 {\an8}You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch. 35 00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:20,790 {\an8}I know. You were sucking that straw 36 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:22,458 {\an8}like it promised you a modeling contract. 37 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:23,668 {\an8}But Johnny, you got to hold it. 38 00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:24,877 {\an8}It's not safe to hold your pee. 39 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:25,920 {\an8}You got to do it, man. 40 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,296 {\an8}Just think about baseball. 41 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:28,631 {\an8}That's not how it works. 42 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,133 {\an8}Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom 43 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,634 {\an8}naked on a weekend. 44 00:01:31,634 --> 00:01:32,760 {\an8}What the fuck? 45 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,095 {\an8}With his hog hanging out of his robe 46 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,222 {\an8}waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake. 47 00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:37,515 {\an8}Shut the fuck up, all right? 48 00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:39,308 {\an8}Just follow me in there and stand guard. 49 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,977 {\an8}All right. 50 00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:43,980 {\an8}[sneaky music] 51 00:01:43,980 --> 00:01:50,945 {\an8}♪ ♪ 52 00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:56,200 {\an8}All right, go on, get to peeing. 53 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,118 {\an8}All right, just watch the door. 54 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,661 {\an8}OK. 55 00:02:00,663 --> 00:02:03,082 {\an8}- Shit. - Go on, hurry up. 56 00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:04,333 {\an8}I can't, all right? 57 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,668 {\an8}There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy. 58 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,628 {\an8}Jesus Christ. Hey dude, do you mind? 59 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,005 {\an8}My buddy's self conscious. 60 00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:10,298 {\an8}Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble 61 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,008 {\an8}when I didn't hear anything. 62 00:02:12,008 --> 00:02:15,386 {\an8}I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to. 63 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,388 {\an8}I won't judge. 64 00:02:22,769 --> 00:02:24,729 {\an8}Oh, here we go. 65 00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:26,105 {\an8}Thank you. 66 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:29,192 {\an8}That is all the thanks I need. 67 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:31,194 {\an8}[urinal whooshes] 68 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:32,737 {\an8}Wait. 69 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,740 {\an8}Jesus? 70 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:39,994 {\an8}All right. It's OK. 71 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:42,538 {\an8}Everything's going to be OK. 72 00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:44,082 {\an8}Oh shit, he's here. Wrap it up. 73 00:02:44,082 --> 00:02:45,083 {\an8}That's not how it works. 74 00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,292 {\an8}Hey, look who's here. 75 00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:47,710 {\an8}It's Bennett. 76 00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:49,921 {\an8}And he's got his little boyfriend with him. 77 00:02:49,921 --> 00:02:51,255 {\an8}[laughter] 78 00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,549 {\an8}All right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend? 79 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:55,426 {\an8}What if we are having an affair? 80 00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:59,013 {\an8}I can satisfy him in a way you never could. 81 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,598 Oof! 82 00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:01,974 Better be careful, Bennett. 83 00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,893 You wouldn't want to slip! 84 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:04,977 Yeah. 85 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,187 Nice going, Bennett. 86 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,397 Pee much? 87 00:03:07,397 --> 00:03:09,649 [laughter] 88 00:03:09,649 --> 00:03:12,402 Why don't you go ask your mother's face? 89 00:03:12,402 --> 00:03:14,404 Oh Jesus, I am so sorry. 90 00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:16,572 That was so over the line. 91 00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,574 What the fuck, dude? That's sick. 92 00:03:18,574 --> 00:03:20,326 It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was. 93 00:03:20,326 --> 00:03:21,953 Kind of like your mother. 94 00:03:21,953 --> 00:03:23,329 Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? 95 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,664 I am so sorry. 96 00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:26,999 I deserve what's about to happen to me. 97 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,292 Yeah, no shit. 98 00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,586 [laughter] 99 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,171 Drink up, asshole. - Oh shit. 100 00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:33,297 Wait, no, not the toilet. 101 00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:34,507 I'm not supposed to get wet. 102 00:03:34,507 --> 00:03:36,342 It said so on my tag! 103 00:03:36,342 --> 00:03:38,761 [toilet flushing] 104 00:03:38,761 --> 00:03:41,639 [laughter] 105 00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:44,809 Teddy. 106 00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,352 Teddy? 107 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:48,187 Well, the joke's on us, Johnny. 108 00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:49,689 Pipes don't go anywhere. 109 00:03:49,689 --> 00:03:52,942 The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day. 110 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:54,569 Yuck. 111 00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:57,113 If you have a problem, if no one else can help, 112 00:03:57,113 --> 00:04:00,408 and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. 113 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,369 [adventurous music] 114 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:07,331 ♪ ♪ 115 00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,499 I've seen this episode before. 116 00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,751 It's a good one. 117 00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,127 How can you watch that shit? 118 00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:13,921 It's just car chases and blowing stuff up. 119 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,131 Why did you just say two good things 120 00:04:15,131 --> 00:04:16,466 as if they're two bad things? 121 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:17,592 Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus. 122 00:04:17,592 --> 00:04:19,302 We had a hard day. 123 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:20,970 And this show is very educational. 124 00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:23,514 We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans 125 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,558 and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon 126 00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:27,101 that shoots cabbages. 127 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:31,773 Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today. 128 00:04:31,773 --> 00:04:34,484 He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy. 129 00:04:34,484 --> 00:04:36,152 Yeah, I'm not getting one of those. 130 00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:37,987 He says it's important. 131 00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:40,198 - That guy's a quack. - No, he's not. 132 00:04:40,198 --> 00:04:41,491 He's very smart. 133 00:04:41,491 --> 00:04:43,493 Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan. 134 00:04:43,493 --> 00:04:44,786 That's one of those stereotypes. 135 00:04:44,786 --> 00:04:46,079 Wow. 136 00:04:46,079 --> 00:04:47,663 Even when you're technically on the right side, 137 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,791 you still find a way to ruin it. 138 00:04:49,791 --> 00:04:50,875 What? 139 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:52,668 I just said they're not all smart. 140 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,545 Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money. 141 00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,547 That is beyond fucking offensive. 142 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:59,175 Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews. 143 00:04:59,175 --> 00:05:00,760 Honey, it's a routine test. 144 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,262 You're sedated the whole time. 145 00:05:03,262 --> 00:05:06,015 It wasn't so bad when I did it. 146 00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:07,517 What? 147 00:05:07,517 --> 00:05:09,102 When the hell did you have a colonoscopy? 148 00:05:09,102 --> 00:05:11,938 Last year when I was having my tummy troubles. 149 00:05:11,938 --> 00:05:14,315 - Where was I? - You drove me. 150 00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,900 No, I didn't. 151 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,528 Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall. 152 00:05:18,528 --> 00:05:20,863 I didn't want to worry you. 153 00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:21,989 And plus you needed undershirts, 154 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,158 and Jordan Marsh was having a sale. 155 00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,035 This is hilarious. 156 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,371 You're afraid of a procedure Aunt Sue's got done 157 00:05:28,371 --> 00:05:30,039 without even telling you. 158 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,666 I don't remember picking you up. 159 00:05:31,666 --> 00:05:34,168 - I walked home. - She walked home. 160 00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:35,878 It's just a couple of miles. 161 00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:37,588 Couldn't feel my legs anyway, 162 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,757 so it didn't matter if my pumps got slushy. 163 00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,760 Well, Matty, it's your move. 164 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,680 My move is I'm getting a beer. 165 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,391 My results were negative. 166 00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,935 Oh gosh, he seems so worried. 167 00:05:52,812 --> 00:05:55,064 Man, I wish the A-Team was real. 168 00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:57,483 That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive. 169 00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:58,901 Who's Clive? 170 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:01,404 This fucking goon at school who picks on us. 171 00:06:01,404 --> 00:06:03,281 Is that Muriel's son Clive? 172 00:06:03,281 --> 00:06:05,616 I don't know, is Muriel's son a sadistic steroid bully 173 00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:07,201 with a pee fetish? 174 00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:08,870 Oh, that poor boy. 175 00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:11,080 He doesn't have a father, you know. 176 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,123 Huh? 177 00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:13,541 Oh yeah, he walked out on Muriel 178 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,835 before Clive was even born. 179 00:06:15,835 --> 00:06:18,588 It's probably why he's so unhappy. 180 00:06:18,588 --> 00:06:20,423 It's a classic defense mechanism. 181 00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,091 Hurt people hurt people. 182 00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:23,634 Wait, wait, wait, are you saying 183 00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:26,262 Clive is a bastard child? 184 00:06:26,262 --> 00:06:28,139 His mother is so sweet. 185 00:06:28,139 --> 00:06:30,516 Must be hard. 186 00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:33,436 Johnny, we have been blessed with information 187 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,146 we can weaponize. 188 00:06:35,146 --> 00:06:36,272 What do you mean? 189 00:06:36,272 --> 00:06:40,109 What would the Jerky Boys do? 190 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:41,486 All right, found it. 191 00:06:41,486 --> 00:06:45,198 555-3816. [keypad beeping] 192 00:06:45,198 --> 00:06:48,743 Oh, we are going to fuck this guy's head up so bad. 193 00:06:48,743 --> 00:06:51,204 [line trilling] 194 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:54,749 Hello? 195 00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:57,502 Clive, this is your father. 196 00:06:57,502 --> 00:06:59,796 - What? - I'm your father. 197 00:06:59,796 --> 00:07:01,964 I abandoned you when you were a baby. 198 00:07:01,964 --> 00:07:04,634 Sorry about that. I had a rough day. 199 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:06,761 Dad, is this really you? 200 00:07:06,761 --> 00:07:08,137 Yes, Clive. 201 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:11,724 This is so totally fucking your dad. 202 00:07:11,724 --> 00:07:14,977 [laughs] Dad, I knew you'd call someday. 203 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:17,688 Mom said you wouldn't, but I just knew it. 204 00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,357 Where are you? 205 00:07:19,357 --> 00:07:21,359 I mean, can I meet you? 206 00:07:21,359 --> 00:07:22,652 Holy shit, he wants to meet. 207 00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:24,404 This is fucking classic. 208 00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:27,031 - What do I say? - Say yes. 209 00:07:27,031 --> 00:07:28,950 Tell him to meet you at Friendly's tomorrow. 210 00:07:28,950 --> 00:07:32,412 Yeah, sure, be at Friendly's tomorrow after school. 211 00:07:32,412 --> 00:07:35,081 And wear a sailor suit. 212 00:07:35,081 --> 00:07:36,666 A sailor suit? 213 00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:38,584 Yeah, I spent some time in the Navy, 214 00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,837 so it's sentimental for me, you know. 215 00:07:40,837 --> 00:07:43,631 I fought in the war. - Whoa. Which one? 216 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,091 You got that right, my friend. 217 00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:46,634 I don't like talking about it though, 218 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,386 especially in specifics. 219 00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:49,887 Man, that's so cool. 220 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:52,515 And I mean a real sailor suit, all right? 221 00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,183 Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box. 222 00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:56,519 But where do I get a sailor suit? 223 00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:57,979 You back talking me? 224 00:07:57,979 --> 00:08:00,481 See, this smart mouth attitude is exactly why I left. 225 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:03,317 Sorry. No, I'm sorry, Dad. No, I'll do it. I promise. 226 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:04,861 That's more like it. 227 00:08:04,861 --> 00:08:06,446 Tell him to say ahoy. 228 00:08:06,446 --> 00:08:09,031 Oh yeah, and say ahoy to people when you get there. 229 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:11,993 OK. Dad, I can't wait to meet you. 230 00:08:11,993 --> 00:08:13,745 Yeah, get those hopes sky high, buddy. 231 00:08:13,745 --> 00:08:14,912 I love you-- 232 00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,539 Oh, my God, that was fucking amazing. 233 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:17,874 That was great. 234 00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,208 Well, we got to be there when he shows up. 235 00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:21,210 Totally. Wait, wait, no, no, we can't. 236 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,254 He'll see us and he'll kick our asses. 237 00:08:23,254 --> 00:08:25,214 No, he won't. 238 00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:27,050 This was good. This was a good plan. 239 00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:29,218 OK, now as far as anyone knows, 240 00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:32,221 we're two ad executives on a business trip from Hartford 241 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,640 looking for some local talent. - Right. 242 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,350 Hey, keep these milkshakes coming, huh? 243 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:39,062 - Sure thing. - You know, we're celebrating. 244 00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:41,731 Just landed a big account. Bounty. 245 00:08:41,731 --> 00:08:43,483 It's a very famous paper towel. 246 00:08:43,483 --> 00:08:45,401 Yep. I use them every day. 247 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,611 Oh, terrific. 248 00:08:46,611 --> 00:08:47,904 Well, you know, originally the slogan 249 00:08:47,904 --> 00:08:49,989 was supposed to be the "quicker picker upper," 250 00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:53,076 but we added the word "thicker quicker picker upper." 251 00:08:53,076 --> 00:08:54,994 Bought a summer house with that one adjective. 252 00:08:54,994 --> 00:08:56,913 - Congratulations. - Yeah. 253 00:08:56,913 --> 00:09:01,250 My wife's miles away, even when we're in the same room. 254 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,127 You know, 255 00:09:03,127 --> 00:09:07,173 she hasn't let me touch her since the miscarriage. 256 00:09:07,173 --> 00:09:10,510 I'll be back with your Fribbles. 257 00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:12,178 The fuck was that? 258 00:09:12,178 --> 00:09:14,097 What do you mean? I'm just rolling with the area. 259 00:09:14,097 --> 00:09:15,890 That was fucking sad, dude. 260 00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:17,475 Oh, forgive me for trying to add a little gravity 261 00:09:17,475 --> 00:09:19,060 into the backstory, all right? I mean, why are we traveling? 262 00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:20,812 Gravity? I want to slit my wrist. 263 00:09:20,812 --> 00:09:22,105 So you get to be Mr. Thicker Picker Upper 264 00:09:22,105 --> 00:09:23,523 and I got nothing to work with over here? 265 00:09:23,523 --> 00:09:25,108 Sorry, did you want sprinkles? 266 00:09:25,108 --> 00:09:27,360 We picked out a name. The room was painted. 267 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,403 Calm down. 268 00:09:28,403 --> 00:09:29,737 No, no, that's what everyone says. 269 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,364 I get to grieve. 270 00:09:31,364 --> 00:09:34,909 [doorbell jingles] - Oh, my God, look. 271 00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:37,620 Ahoy. 272 00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:40,915 - Holy shit. - He fucking wore it. 273 00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:43,209 Yeah. Fix your kerchief. 274 00:09:43,209 --> 00:09:46,170 There you go. Now you're a proper seaman. 275 00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,797 - All right. You ready? - Yep. 276 00:09:47,797 --> 00:09:49,882 I'm going in. 277 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,844 Oh, maybe don't talk to the waitress while I'm gone. 278 00:09:52,844 --> 00:09:54,387 Just fucking go. 279 00:10:00,393 --> 00:10:02,311 [phone ringing] 280 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,272 - Good afternoon, Friendly's. - Yeah, hi. 281 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:05,481 I need you to deliver a message 282 00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:06,858 to one of your customers. 283 00:10:06,858 --> 00:10:09,026 Dumb looking guy dressed like an idiot. 284 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,612 Sir, this is Friendly's. Can you be more specific? 285 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,823 The kid in the sailor suit. 286 00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,454 This is his dad. I got a message for him. 287 00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:24,709 I have a message for you from your dad. 288 00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:28,421 He says he's not coming because you're a disappointment to him 289 00:10:28,421 --> 00:10:30,465 and he's glad he left, 290 00:10:30,465 --> 00:10:35,344 and he likes his adopted Korean kids better. 291 00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:38,222 Sorry. 292 00:10:40,558 --> 00:10:43,728 [sobbing] 293 00:10:56,616 --> 00:10:58,701 [doorbell jingles] 294 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,829 [continues sobbing] 295 00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:09,379 [wailing] 296 00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:13,091 Man, this is way sadder than the miscarriage. 297 00:11:13,091 --> 00:11:15,968 His name was going to be Lawrence. 298 00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:24,560 [mellow music] 299 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:29,148 ♪ ♪ 300 00:11:29,148 --> 00:11:31,567 You know, I still feel really shitty about yesterday. 301 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,111 Yeah, me too. 302 00:11:33,111 --> 00:11:35,405 It's almost like Clive's an actual human being, 303 00:11:35,405 --> 00:11:36,989 with a heart. 304 00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:38,574 Well, you know, I'm sure it's going to be fine. 305 00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:41,744 Hey, did you guys hear? Clive tried to kill himself. 306 00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:43,079 Holy shit. 307 00:11:43,079 --> 00:11:45,623 He ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins. 308 00:11:45,623 --> 00:11:47,083 Even the Bettys. 309 00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:49,836 Did he--did he say why he did it? 310 00:11:49,836 --> 00:11:52,088 Who cares? I never felt more free. 311 00:11:52,088 --> 00:11:53,923 Now I can wear my Ace Of Base shirt 312 00:11:53,923 --> 00:11:56,759 without getting my ass kicked. 313 00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,594 Shit, Teddy. What are we going to do? 314 00:11:58,594 --> 00:12:00,179 It's out of our hands. 315 00:12:00,179 --> 00:12:01,764 If he wants to wear the shirt, he's going to wear the shirt. 316 00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,433 No, no, I mean, this is our fault. 317 00:12:03,433 --> 00:12:05,727 If Clive wasn't an idiot, he'd be dead right now. 318 00:12:05,727 --> 00:12:07,437 All right. OK. You know what? 319 00:12:07,437 --> 00:12:08,604 We can fix this. 320 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:11,065 - Nice shirt, queer. - Oh! 321 00:12:11,065 --> 00:12:14,652 Hm, nature abhors a vacuum. 322 00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,696 - OK, you ready? - Yeah. 323 00:12:16,696 --> 00:12:18,281 Hang on. Hang on one sec. 324 00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:20,408 We got a boy's heart in our hands here. 325 00:12:20,408 --> 00:12:24,245 I want to make sure I got my wits about me. 326 00:12:24,245 --> 00:12:26,289 [inhales] 327 00:12:26,289 --> 00:12:27,874 [coughs] 328 00:12:27,874 --> 00:12:29,959 All right, I'm good. Call him. 329 00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:32,045 [keypad beeping] 330 00:12:32,045 --> 00:12:35,173 [line trilling] 331 00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:40,094 - Hello? - Hey Clive. 332 00:12:40,094 --> 00:12:41,888 It's your dad. 333 00:12:41,888 --> 00:12:44,015 You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms? 334 00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:45,600 Leave me alone. 335 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,976 Wait, wait, just hang on. Hang on. 336 00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,644 I want to apologize. 337 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:50,855 I'm sorry about not showing up yesterday. 338 00:12:50,855 --> 00:12:52,315 Then why did you do it? 339 00:12:52,315 --> 00:12:54,650 And why did you leave that message? 340 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:55,735 It was a test. 341 00:12:55,735 --> 00:12:58,154 It was a test of your manhood. 342 00:12:58,154 --> 00:13:00,656 And you passed with flying colors. 343 00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:04,035 You said you liked your adopted Korean kids better. 344 00:13:04,035 --> 00:13:05,369 Oh, yeah. 345 00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:07,914 Well, you know, I don't have them anymore. 346 00:13:07,914 --> 00:13:09,165 You don't? 347 00:13:09,165 --> 00:13:10,541 No, it seemed like a cool idea at the time, 348 00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:12,168 but it was costing me a shitload, 349 00:13:12,168 --> 00:13:16,381 so I had to release them back into the wild. 350 00:13:16,381 --> 00:13:19,217 But that's why you are so important to me, Clive. 351 00:13:19,217 --> 00:13:21,469 That's why our relationship is so important. 352 00:13:21,469 --> 00:13:23,679 Well then, can I meet you for real? 353 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,515 Yes. 354 00:13:25,515 --> 00:13:26,724 Eventually. Eventually. 355 00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:29,352 But right now, I'm kind of busy with work. 356 00:13:29,352 --> 00:13:31,187 - What do you do? - What do I do? 357 00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:33,147 Ad exec trying to have kids? 358 00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:34,690 Jesus, what the fuck is it with you with that-- 359 00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:38,319 I'm a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground. 360 00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:39,529 Whoa. 361 00:13:39,529 --> 00:13:41,114 Yeah, me and these other crack commandos 362 00:13:41,114 --> 00:13:44,033 fight injustice from our van. 363 00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:46,035 That's so cool. 364 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,578 Yeah, if people have a problem 365 00:13:47,578 --> 00:13:50,123 and if no one else can help and if you can find us, 366 00:13:50,123 --> 00:13:53,292 maybe you can hire me and my friends. 367 00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:55,336 That's kind of like our slogan. 368 00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:58,172 Wow. My dad has a van. 369 00:13:58,172 --> 00:14:02,051 Yeah, anyway, I'll keep in touch and do good in school. 370 00:14:02,051 --> 00:14:04,303 [scoffs] I suck at school. 371 00:14:04,303 --> 00:14:06,514 I have a math test tomorrow I'm probably going to fail. 372 00:14:06,514 --> 00:14:07,765 Oh, come on. 373 00:14:07,765 --> 00:14:09,892 I bet you're smarter at math than you think. 374 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:14,355 Like OK, like, if a bully beats up 10 kids for their sexuality 375 00:14:14,355 --> 00:14:16,441 and 20% of them are in the choir 376 00:14:16,441 --> 00:14:19,569 so they get extra beatings, how many go to the hospital? 377 00:14:19,569 --> 00:14:22,655 Um, two. 378 00:14:22,655 --> 00:14:27,076 Guess what, Mr. I Can't? You just did math. 379 00:14:27,076 --> 00:14:28,911 I'll talk to you later. [keypad beeps] 380 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,621 I think we fixed it. 381 00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,789 Yeah, I think so too. 382 00:14:31,789 --> 00:14:32,915 I feel really good right now. 383 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,625 - I feel so good. - We're good people. 384 00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,919 Yeah, if he kills himself now, it's from other stuff. 385 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:40,840 [school bell ringing] 386 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:45,011 [chatter] 387 00:14:45,011 --> 00:14:46,971 Why were these burgers just, like, 388 00:14:46,971 --> 00:14:48,598 sitting in a tray of water? 389 00:14:48,598 --> 00:14:50,016 Yeah, I don't know why they do that. 390 00:14:50,016 --> 00:14:51,267 Yeah, every time it's burger day, 391 00:14:51,267 --> 00:14:53,478 there they are, just sitting in water. 392 00:14:53,478 --> 00:14:55,021 I don't know. It seems normal. 393 00:14:55,021 --> 00:14:57,690 Have the guys over, water up some burgers, watch the game. 394 00:14:57,690 --> 00:14:58,983 Hey, you know what's weird? 395 00:14:58,983 --> 00:15:00,318 What? 396 00:15:00,318 --> 00:15:02,528 I've been, like, thinking about Clive. 397 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:04,447 - Yeah, me too. - You have? 398 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:06,574 Yeah, like I've actually been wondering 399 00:15:06,574 --> 00:15:08,284 how he did on that test. 400 00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:10,495 Me too. It's fucked up, right? 401 00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:12,163 It's like I actually give a shit about him. 402 00:15:12,163 --> 00:15:14,624 Johnny, look. 403 00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:19,045 I don't know why he hangs out with those boys. 404 00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,255 They're a bad influence. 405 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,465 I think Coach Johnson... 406 00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,634 Holy shit. I think that's his test. 407 00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:27,095 Wait, don't look, don't look, don't look now. 408 00:15:27,095 --> 00:15:28,638 - What does it say? - I don't know. 409 00:15:28,638 --> 00:15:30,765 There's a grade on the front, but I can't see it. 410 00:15:30,765 --> 00:15:32,767 We got to get a closer look. 411 00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:37,021 That sounds really tough. 412 00:15:37,021 --> 00:15:38,731 [chatter] 413 00:15:38,731 --> 00:15:42,944 They know how to make corn and they don't touch it. 414 00:15:42,944 --> 00:15:44,487 What the fuck do you want, Bennett? 415 00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:46,656 Nothing. Nothing. You know, I'm just-- 416 00:15:46,656 --> 00:15:48,157 I'm just--I'm just walking around. 417 00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:49,826 You know how I be. - Yeah? 418 00:15:49,826 --> 00:15:51,077 [laughter] 419 00:15:51,077 --> 00:15:52,745 Eat a dick, asshole. 420 00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:56,290 C+. 421 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,708 [gasps] He passed. 422 00:15:57,708 --> 00:15:58,793 He passed. 423 00:15:58,793 --> 00:16:00,670 Oh, my God, I knew he could do it. 424 00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:03,214 Great job, buddy. 425 00:16:03,214 --> 00:16:05,550 Our little genius. 426 00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:09,220 ♪ ♪ 427 00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:11,222 Matty, you can't keep putting it off. 428 00:16:11,222 --> 00:16:12,849 Yes, I can. It's my body. 429 00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:14,142 But the doctor said-- 430 00:16:14,142 --> 00:16:17,145 I don't care what the doctor says. 431 00:16:17,145 --> 00:16:18,688 I'm not doing it. 432 00:16:18,688 --> 00:16:22,984 If you ask me one more time, I'm going to stay at a motel. 433 00:16:22,984 --> 00:16:25,737 Matty, why are you so resistant to a colonoscopy? 434 00:16:25,737 --> 00:16:27,363 Oh Christ, not you too. 435 00:16:27,363 --> 00:16:29,574 Look, I know it's scary to think about 436 00:16:29,574 --> 00:16:31,576 what they might find, but early detection is-- 437 00:16:31,576 --> 00:16:33,786 You think I'm worried about cancer? 438 00:16:33,786 --> 00:16:36,456 You get cancer, you don't have to pay taxes. 439 00:16:36,456 --> 00:16:38,207 I don't think that's true. 440 00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:39,709 Not if liberals have their way. 441 00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:41,836 All I'm saying is, get your cancer now. 442 00:16:41,836 --> 00:16:45,214 Look, cut the shit and just tell me the truth. 443 00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:47,842 Why won't you get the colonoscopy? 444 00:16:50,762 --> 00:16:53,931 When they put you under, you're not in control. 445 00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:55,266 All right? 446 00:16:55,266 --> 00:16:58,478 You can say some shit and not even remember it. 447 00:16:58,478 --> 00:17:00,146 I don't want to say stuff. 448 00:17:00,146 --> 00:17:01,355 Jesus. 449 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,815 There's things you're not saying? 450 00:17:02,815 --> 00:17:05,777 I just--I don't want anybody to find out my secrets. 451 00:17:05,777 --> 00:17:06,778 What secrets? 452 00:17:06,778 --> 00:17:08,029 I got secrets. 453 00:17:08,029 --> 00:17:09,363 OK, well, what the fuck do you care 454 00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:10,531 what some doctor thinks of them? 455 00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,200 Doctors talk. This is a small town. 456 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,701 I don't want to ruin my reputation. 457 00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,828 You're banned from Dunkin' Donuts. 458 00:17:15,828 --> 00:17:18,748 Listen to me. You got to do this. OK? 459 00:17:18,748 --> 00:17:20,625 You catch colon cancer too late, you're dead. 460 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,335 You'd be leaving John and Suze on their own. 461 00:17:22,335 --> 00:17:24,587 You really want to do that? 462 00:17:27,006 --> 00:17:28,883 All right. I'll go in there. 463 00:17:28,883 --> 00:17:30,093 Great. 464 00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:32,053 But you got to go with me. 465 00:17:32,053 --> 00:17:33,888 - To your colonoscopy? - Yeah. 466 00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:34,972 Why? 467 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:36,432 Because when they drug me up, 468 00:17:36,432 --> 00:17:38,267 if I start saying anything about Vietnam, 469 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,602 you got to make a lot of noise. 470 00:17:39,602 --> 00:17:41,270 Why? What happened in Viet-- 471 00:17:41,270 --> 00:17:44,273 La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Like that. 472 00:17:44,273 --> 00:17:45,274 You got it? - Mm-mm. 473 00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:47,110 No, you don't. Let's practice. 474 00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:49,237 It's me. Here's the doctor. 475 00:17:49,237 --> 00:17:52,990 Hey Doc, this one time in Vietnam-- 476 00:17:52,990 --> 00:17:54,200 right, that's you. 477 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:55,785 La, la, la, la. 478 00:17:55,785 --> 00:17:57,245 No, you got to be louder and faster. 479 00:17:57,245 --> 00:17:59,872 Come on. Again. One time in Vietnam, Doc-- 480 00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:01,457 - La, la, la, la, la. - Keep going. 481 00:18:01,457 --> 00:18:02,708 One time in Vietnam. 482 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:03,751 Louder. 483 00:18:03,751 --> 00:18:05,586 One time in Vietnam. Keep going. 484 00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,130 Keep going. - I'm fucking trying. 485 00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:08,256 There was this one time in Vietnam. 486 00:18:08,256 --> 00:18:09,382 Keep going. 487 00:18:09,382 --> 00:18:10,967 I'm about to spill my secrets! 488 00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:14,303 What is going on in here? 489 00:18:14,303 --> 00:18:16,305 I'll get the colonoscopy. 490 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,099 You will? 491 00:18:18,099 --> 00:18:20,059 Oh, thank God. 492 00:18:20,059 --> 00:18:21,394 [laughs] 493 00:18:21,394 --> 00:18:24,647 Oh, I feel like it's Christmas. 494 00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:27,316 I just want this family to know that from here on out, 495 00:18:27,316 --> 00:18:30,194 I'm going for full-on alcoholism. 496 00:18:36,492 --> 00:18:38,077 Hey, am I crazy? 497 00:18:38,077 --> 00:18:40,371 I kind of want to call Clive and tell him he did good. 498 00:18:40,371 --> 00:18:41,998 I know. Me too. 499 00:18:41,998 --> 00:18:44,792 I mean, he obviously studied so hard for that test. 500 00:18:44,792 --> 00:18:46,169 Yeah, he should know his dad's proud of him. 501 00:18:46,169 --> 00:18:47,503 Yeah. 502 00:18:47,503 --> 00:18:48,755 But, but, but, do we want to send the message 503 00:18:48,755 --> 00:18:50,131 that all we care about is grades? 504 00:18:50,131 --> 00:18:51,841 Well, I mean, he can't live up to our expectations 505 00:18:51,841 --> 00:18:53,259 if we don't set any. 506 00:18:53,259 --> 00:18:55,595 Yeah, but I want him to do well for him, not for us. 507 00:18:55,595 --> 00:18:57,346 - Let's just call him. - OK. 508 00:18:57,346 --> 00:19:01,017 [keypad beeping] 509 00:19:01,017 --> 00:19:04,103 [line trilling] 510 00:19:04,103 --> 00:19:05,229 Hello? 511 00:19:05,229 --> 00:19:07,356 Hey Clive. It's your dad. 512 00:19:07,356 --> 00:19:09,192 Dad. Hey, guess what? 513 00:19:09,192 --> 00:19:10,902 I totally aced that test. 514 00:19:10,902 --> 00:19:12,445 I got a C+. 515 00:19:12,445 --> 00:19:14,197 Well, how about that? 516 00:19:14,197 --> 00:19:15,406 Good for you, champ. 517 00:19:15,406 --> 00:19:16,866 That's great. 518 00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:19,202 That's not really ace, but wow, good job. 519 00:19:19,202 --> 00:19:20,661 Hey, I know you're busy and all, 520 00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:23,331 but my birthday's coming up on Saturday 521 00:19:23,331 --> 00:19:26,876 and I was wondering if maybe I could see you. 522 00:19:26,876 --> 00:19:31,381 Ah, yeah, sorry pal, I got a work thing. 523 00:19:31,381 --> 00:19:34,050 I just wish I could meet you just once. 524 00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:35,385 I know. Me too. 525 00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:36,886 But it's an important mission. 526 00:19:36,886 --> 00:19:38,930 We found a terrorist base under the roller rink, 527 00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:40,973 so we're going undercover as coke dealers. 528 00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:43,810 And if we find love along the way, we'll take it. 529 00:19:43,810 --> 00:19:44,977 Oh. 530 00:19:44,977 --> 00:19:47,188 But hey, maybe next year, huh? 531 00:19:47,188 --> 00:19:49,399 Yeah, sure. 532 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:50,942 And great job on that test. 533 00:19:50,942 --> 00:19:52,568 All right, I'll talk to you later. 534 00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:56,406 Bye, Dad. [line clicks] 535 00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:58,741 Man, I feel really bad letting him down again. 536 00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:00,326 Yeah, we got to make it up to him. 537 00:20:00,326 --> 00:20:01,828 You know what? 538 00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:05,331 His dad needs to send him a really great birthday gift. 539 00:20:05,331 --> 00:20:08,334 [bright music] 540 00:20:08,334 --> 00:20:13,423 ♪ ♪ 541 00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:14,966 Oh, what about this? 542 00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:16,426 Sega Genesis. 543 00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:18,094 - Yeah, I don't know. - Why not? 544 00:20:18,094 --> 00:20:19,595 I'm just worried he's going to spend all day in his room 545 00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:21,264 instead of playing outside. 546 00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:22,432 What about a baseball glove? 547 00:20:22,432 --> 00:20:23,808 He doesn't like playing sports. 548 00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:25,268 Well, that doesn't mean we shouldn't encourage it. 549 00:20:25,268 --> 00:20:26,978 Baseball's your dream, not his. 550 00:20:26,978 --> 00:20:29,522 - Oh, my fucking God. - Look, it's his 17th birthday. 551 00:20:29,522 --> 00:20:30,648 He'll be an adult soon. 552 00:20:30,648 --> 00:20:32,066 We don't have many of these left. 553 00:20:32,066 --> 00:20:33,776 I just feel like you're always trying to spoil him. 554 00:20:33,776 --> 00:20:35,111 You know, you can't buy his affections. 555 00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:36,571 - I am not trying to buy his-- - Yes, you are. 556 00:20:36,571 --> 00:20:38,156 You're trying to buy his affections 557 00:20:38,156 --> 00:20:39,532 because you're never at home. - You're too strict with him. 558 00:20:39,532 --> 00:20:40,783 You always have been. 559 00:20:40,783 --> 00:20:41,993 Well, somebody has to be the bad cop. 560 00:20:41,993 --> 00:20:43,786 And frankly, I feel like it's shitty of you 561 00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:45,371 to always dump that on me. - You know what? 562 00:20:45,371 --> 00:20:46,789 None of this shit matters anyway, 563 00:20:46,789 --> 00:20:49,083 because we only got 20 bucks. - Oh yeah, you're right. 564 00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:50,585 What are we going to do? 565 00:20:50,585 --> 00:20:52,628 Where's the menswear? 566 00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:54,922 OK, that's good. Get ready. 567 00:20:54,922 --> 00:20:57,383 OK, now turn right. - This is so fucking stupid. 568 00:20:57,383 --> 00:20:59,218 Why don't I just wear the coat myself? 569 00:20:59,218 --> 00:21:00,636 Extra height, Johnny. 570 00:21:00,636 --> 00:21:03,139 When you're tall, people assume you're in charge. 571 00:21:03,139 --> 00:21:05,475 Hey, why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off? 572 00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:08,478 Wow, thank you, tall supervisor. 573 00:21:08,478 --> 00:21:10,229 - See? - OK, which way am I going? 574 00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:12,065 All right, straight for a bit then you're going to turn. 575 00:21:12,065 --> 00:21:13,983 Talk louder. Your feet are blocking my ears. 576 00:21:13,983 --> 00:21:15,651 Hard left, hard left, hard left! 577 00:21:15,651 --> 00:21:16,944 Jesus. What the fuck was that? 578 00:21:16,944 --> 00:21:18,488 Go straight. Just go straight. 579 00:21:18,488 --> 00:21:19,614 Well, fucking tell me when I'm going to bump 580 00:21:19,614 --> 00:21:21,115 into something--fucking A! - Watch out! 581 00:21:21,115 --> 00:21:23,284 - C'mon, you got to warn me. - OK, it's good. It's good. 582 00:21:23,284 --> 00:21:24,577 We're good for a minute. - My head hurts. 583 00:21:24,577 --> 00:21:25,661 Oh, this is going to be a problem. 584 00:21:25,661 --> 00:21:27,497 Fuck, shit. - The fuck is that? 585 00:21:27,497 --> 00:21:28,998 - Don't go that way. - Can I turn around? 586 00:21:28,998 --> 00:21:30,750 Oh shit. [overlapping shouting] 587 00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:32,168 Sideways. - Which sideways? 588 00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:34,128 Go sideways. [both yelp] 589 00:21:37,757 --> 00:21:40,385 Excellent work. You can take your lunch now. 590 00:21:47,183 --> 00:21:48,768 Look, we weren't even stealing it for us. OK? 591 00:21:48,768 --> 00:21:50,228 We were stealing it for a kid who doesn't have a dad. 592 00:21:50,228 --> 00:21:52,188 And that's not even really shoplifting, right? 593 00:21:52,188 --> 00:21:53,689 [scoffs] Nice try. 594 00:21:53,689 --> 00:21:55,149 You boys are in big time trouble. 595 00:21:55,149 --> 00:21:56,651 I'm going to need your parents' phone numbers. 596 00:21:56,651 --> 00:21:58,361 My parents are out of town. 597 00:21:58,361 --> 00:21:59,529 I don't have parents on account of 598 00:21:59,529 --> 00:22:01,114 I'm a Teddy bear that came alive. 599 00:22:01,114 --> 00:22:03,408 All right, look, it's really important to us 600 00:22:03,408 --> 00:22:05,785 that we help this kid, OK? 601 00:22:05,785 --> 00:22:07,829 Haven't you ever had something that was just really, 602 00:22:07,829 --> 00:22:09,122 really important to you, something that you'd 603 00:22:09,122 --> 00:22:10,748 do anything to make happen? 604 00:22:10,748 --> 00:22:13,418 Like maybe you wanted to be the best security guard in Boston. 605 00:22:13,418 --> 00:22:14,752 [scoffs] No. 606 00:22:14,752 --> 00:22:17,380 No, I never wanted to be a security guard. 607 00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:19,215 I really wanted to be an actor. 608 00:22:19,215 --> 00:22:20,425 Oh wow. 609 00:22:20,425 --> 00:22:22,844 Oh, this just got so much worse. 610 00:22:22,844 --> 00:22:25,388 Acting is my real passion. 611 00:22:25,388 --> 00:22:27,265 When I was in my 20s, 612 00:22:27,265 --> 00:22:30,059 I did this community theater production on "Pippin." 613 00:22:30,059 --> 00:22:32,729 And when the show ended, I found out 614 00:22:32,729 --> 00:22:36,190 that John Rubinstein was in the audience. 615 00:22:36,190 --> 00:22:37,650 - Oh, my God. - Oh wow. 616 00:22:37,650 --> 00:22:39,652 Who was, of course, the original Pippin. 617 00:22:39,652 --> 00:22:40,653 - I was about to say. - That's the guy. 618 00:22:40,653 --> 00:22:41,738 That's the guy. 619 00:22:41,738 --> 00:22:42,989 Fucking God damn right he was. 620 00:22:42,989 --> 00:22:45,241 And he actually came backstage after the show 621 00:22:45,241 --> 00:22:48,077 and he walked up to me and I can still see his face 622 00:22:48,077 --> 00:22:50,580 and he said, I really enjoyed the show. 623 00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:52,790 You were all wonderful. 624 00:22:52,790 --> 00:22:54,959 I was like, oh, my God, what a moment. 625 00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:56,169 Amazing. 626 00:22:56,169 --> 00:22:57,503 I mean, it's amazing just even hearing it. 627 00:22:57,503 --> 00:22:58,755 I wasn't there, but just hearing you talk about it. 628 00:22:58,755 --> 00:22:59,922 Yeah, it was him in the flesh. 629 00:22:59,922 --> 00:23:01,716 And to have the kindness to say, 630 00:23:01,716 --> 00:23:03,718 because obviously I was Pippin. 631 00:23:03,718 --> 00:23:05,094 Of course. Yeah. 632 00:23:05,094 --> 00:23:06,846 Yeah, I mean you, Burt, 633 00:23:06,846 --> 00:23:09,057 are not going to do "Pippin" if you're not Pippin. 634 00:23:09,057 --> 00:23:11,768 To have the kindness to say, you are all wonderful. 635 00:23:11,768 --> 00:23:13,186 Because you see, the rest of the cast 636 00:23:13,186 --> 00:23:14,270 was right there with me. 637 00:23:14,270 --> 00:23:15,688 So he couldn't really single me out 638 00:23:15,688 --> 00:23:17,398 because that would have been dismissive to them. 639 00:23:17,398 --> 00:23:19,567 - Oh yeah. You can't do that. - Sure, sure, sure. 640 00:23:19,567 --> 00:23:20,985 But he gave me a look. 641 00:23:20,985 --> 00:23:23,613 John Rubinstein gave me a look and that look said, 642 00:23:23,613 --> 00:23:26,407 you are on the stairway to stardom. 643 00:23:26,407 --> 00:23:27,784 Oh, good Christ. 644 00:23:27,784 --> 00:23:30,078 Wow, wow. - That's what I said too. 645 00:23:30,078 --> 00:23:33,122 Well, I guess life had other plans for me. 646 00:23:33,122 --> 00:23:35,041 But that's OK. 647 00:23:37,668 --> 00:23:39,754 ♪ Everything has its season ♪ 648 00:23:39,754 --> 00:23:42,382 ♪ Everything has its time ♪ 649 00:23:42,382 --> 00:23:43,966 ♪ Show me a reason ♪ 650 00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:46,803 ♪ And I'll soon show you a rhyme ♪ 651 00:23:46,803 --> 00:23:49,389 ♪ Cats fit on the windowsill ♪ 652 00:23:49,389 --> 00:23:51,808 ♪ Children fit in the snow ♪ 653 00:23:51,808 --> 00:23:54,477 ♪ So why do I feel like I don't fit in ♪ 654 00:23:54,477 --> 00:23:58,314 ♪ Anywhere I go ♪ 655 00:23:58,314 --> 00:24:00,316 Oh, sorry. 656 00:24:00,316 --> 00:24:01,776 Wow. 657 00:24:01,776 --> 00:24:03,694 Wow, that felt fucking great. 658 00:24:03,694 --> 00:24:05,154 Right? - Yeah. 659 00:24:05,154 --> 00:24:06,489 Wow. 660 00:24:06,489 --> 00:24:07,698 Was that a moment just then we had? 661 00:24:07,698 --> 00:24:09,075 Wait, that was a moment? That was a real-- 662 00:24:09,075 --> 00:24:10,743 - I think it was. - I couldn't even hear you. 663 00:24:10,743 --> 00:24:12,829 Someone was playing the original 664 00:24:12,829 --> 00:24:14,455 cast recording of "Pippin." 665 00:24:14,455 --> 00:24:16,958 It's like a rope connected us that only we saw the rope. 666 00:24:16,958 --> 00:24:18,501 All three of us. All three of us. 667 00:24:18,501 --> 00:24:19,877 We are one. - Tighter and tighter... 668 00:24:19,877 --> 00:24:21,546 We were one organism in that moment. 669 00:24:21,546 --> 00:24:22,880 - My feet are tingling. - Wow. 670 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:25,925 1,000 wows and more wows on top of that. 671 00:24:25,925 --> 00:24:28,594 I feel like this was time well spent. 672 00:24:28,594 --> 00:24:29,804 Yeah, we got a lot accomplished. 673 00:24:29,804 --> 00:24:31,055 Was it not? both: Yeah. 674 00:24:31,055 --> 00:24:32,557 You guys-- you guys can go ahead. 675 00:24:32,557 --> 00:24:33,850 - We're good to go, right? - Absolutely. 676 00:24:33,850 --> 00:24:35,101 Thank you. Thank you, man. 677 00:24:35,101 --> 00:24:36,227 Really appreciate it. This was wonderful. 678 00:24:36,227 --> 00:24:37,437 Yeah. 679 00:24:37,437 --> 00:24:38,688 We're all going to go our separate ways, 680 00:24:38,688 --> 00:24:39,689 but we'll take a piece of today with us. 681 00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:41,232 Thanks for letting me sing. 682 00:24:41,232 --> 00:24:42,900 Jesus, that was a fucking nightmare. 683 00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:44,193 You are telling me, Johnny. 684 00:24:44,193 --> 00:24:45,695 This has got to stop. 685 00:24:45,695 --> 00:24:47,363 I know. It's gotten out of control. 686 00:24:47,363 --> 00:24:49,157 I mean, I care about what happens to Clive, 687 00:24:49,157 --> 00:24:50,783 but we're acting like fucking lunatics. 688 00:24:50,783 --> 00:24:53,453 Raising Clive is not our responsibility. 689 00:24:53,453 --> 00:24:54,912 We got to tell him the truth. 690 00:24:54,912 --> 00:24:56,831 [PA system chimes] 691 00:24:56,831 --> 00:24:59,041 ♪ Everything has its season ♪ 692 00:24:59,041 --> 00:25:01,461 ♪ Everything has its time ♪ 693 00:25:01,461 --> 00:25:06,257 ♪ We've got a very big sale on aisle nine ♪ 694 00:25:06,257 --> 00:25:07,425 It might be time to go. 695 00:25:07,425 --> 00:25:08,718 ♪ Cats fit on the windowsill ♪ 696 00:25:08,718 --> 00:25:10,511 ♪ Children fit in the snow ♪ 697 00:25:10,511 --> 00:25:16,851 ♪ ♪ 698 00:25:18,394 --> 00:25:20,897 I don't like this. This was a bad idea. 699 00:25:20,897 --> 00:25:23,024 Will you fucking relax? It's going to be fine. 700 00:25:23,024 --> 00:25:25,568 You hear the word Vietnam, you yell like the place 701 00:25:25,568 --> 00:25:27,153 is burning down. Do you understand me? 702 00:25:27,153 --> 00:25:29,030 Yes. Jesus Christ. Calm down. 703 00:25:29,030 --> 00:25:30,865 Good morning, Mr. Bennett. 704 00:25:30,865 --> 00:25:32,200 We are all set to begin your procedure. 705 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:33,910 Yeah, listen, this is my niece. 706 00:25:33,910 --> 00:25:36,662 She's going to be with me in the room there. 707 00:25:36,662 --> 00:25:39,499 Oh, I'm afraid that's not allowed. 708 00:25:39,499 --> 00:25:40,917 What do you fucking mean? 709 00:25:40,917 --> 00:25:42,710 It's against hospital policy. 710 00:25:42,710 --> 00:25:44,170 No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute. 711 00:25:44,170 --> 00:25:45,922 Wait a minute. You don't understand. 712 00:25:45,922 --> 00:25:50,176 She's always with me for every colonoscopy, right? 713 00:25:50,176 --> 00:25:51,511 Yes. 714 00:25:51,511 --> 00:25:56,766 I love watching and it's my half birthday today, 715 00:25:56,766 --> 00:25:59,560 so treating myself. [chuckles] 716 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:03,189 Well, that's interesting, but it's medical staff only. 717 00:26:03,189 --> 00:26:04,315 I really am sorry. 718 00:26:04,315 --> 00:26:05,817 Give us a minute, OK? 719 00:26:07,819 --> 00:26:09,779 - Get under the gurney. - What? 720 00:26:09,779 --> 00:26:12,031 - Hide under the gurney. - I am not doing that. 721 00:26:12,031 --> 00:26:14,117 Blaire, you got to be in the room in case I talk. 722 00:26:14,117 --> 00:26:15,535 Matty, these people don't care about 723 00:26:15,535 --> 00:26:17,036 your stupid goddamn secret, OK? 724 00:26:17,036 --> 00:26:18,871 They're professionals. They've heard everything. 725 00:26:18,871 --> 00:26:20,373 I don't trust them. 726 00:26:20,373 --> 00:26:21,874 You don't become a butt doctor unless you're into 727 00:26:21,874 --> 00:26:23,126 some really weird shit. 728 00:26:23,126 --> 00:26:25,795 Some of these guys, it's sexual for them. 729 00:26:25,795 --> 00:26:27,505 This is not sexual for them. 730 00:26:27,505 --> 00:26:30,091 I'll give you $300. 731 00:26:30,091 --> 00:26:31,759 - Seriously? - You're always whining about 732 00:26:31,759 --> 00:26:33,094 how expensive your textbooks are. 733 00:26:33,094 --> 00:26:35,138 300 bucks. 734 00:26:38,683 --> 00:26:41,227 You have lost your fucking mind. 735 00:26:43,062 --> 00:26:45,314 Dr. Fisher to OR prep room three. 736 00:26:45,314 --> 00:26:48,359 Dr. Fisher, OR prep room three. 737 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:55,366 ♪ ♪ 738 00:27:01,497 --> 00:27:02,832 All right, Mr. Bennett, 739 00:27:02,832 --> 00:27:05,168 I need you to count backward from 100. 740 00:27:05,168 --> 00:27:09,589 100, 99, 98... 741 00:27:09,589 --> 00:27:11,049 All right, he's out. 742 00:27:11,049 --> 00:27:13,384 [laughing] OK. Wow. What a weirdo. 743 00:27:13,384 --> 00:27:15,720 Guy wanted his niece to come in here with him. 744 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,680 Oh, I heard that. That's bizarre. 745 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,057 Absolutely. 746 00:27:19,057 --> 00:27:20,683 Let's see what he's working with here. 747 00:27:20,683 --> 00:27:23,019 [all yelling and laughing] 748 00:27:23,019 --> 00:27:25,021 - Oh, my God. - Damn, look at that! 749 00:27:25,021 --> 00:27:26,856 Hair on the tip. That's a new one. 750 00:27:26,856 --> 00:27:29,025 Yuck. His poor wife, huh? 751 00:27:29,025 --> 00:27:31,194 I was just thinking that. 752 00:27:31,194 --> 00:27:34,781 Guys, I got to be honest. This is sexual for me. 753 00:27:34,781 --> 00:27:39,452 ♪ ♪ 754 00:27:39,452 --> 00:27:41,204 Look, we just got to tell him the truth. 755 00:27:41,204 --> 00:27:42,955 You know he's going to kick our asses. 756 00:27:42,955 --> 00:27:44,665 Look, the key to not getting hurt in a fight 757 00:27:44,665 --> 00:27:47,960 is staying loose, like a drunk guy in an accident. 758 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,670 That's why the Kennedys are always fine 759 00:27:49,670 --> 00:27:53,007 after they fuck up their cars. 760 00:27:53,007 --> 00:27:56,302 Oh, hey Clive, can we--can we talk to you for a second? 761 00:27:56,302 --> 00:27:58,179 What do you two fucknuts want? 762 00:27:58,179 --> 00:28:01,557 Look, there's no easy way to say this, 763 00:28:01,557 --> 00:28:04,435 but, um, it's about your dad. 764 00:28:04,435 --> 00:28:05,895 What about my dad? 765 00:28:05,895 --> 00:28:09,357 Um, your dad, uh, 766 00:28:09,357 --> 00:28:13,444 invited us to your birthday party. 767 00:28:13,444 --> 00:28:15,405 And he said he's going to be there too 768 00:28:15,405 --> 00:28:16,531 and we just wanted to say 769 00:28:16,531 --> 00:28:18,574 we are so excited just to be part of it. 770 00:28:18,574 --> 00:28:19,992 What are you talking about? 771 00:28:19,992 --> 00:28:21,327 I'm not having a party. 772 00:28:21,327 --> 00:28:22,787 He said he wasn't going to be around. 773 00:28:22,787 --> 00:28:25,790 That's because it's a surprise. 774 00:28:25,790 --> 00:28:27,417 - Yeah. - Oh no, I spoiled it! 775 00:28:27,417 --> 00:28:28,501 Oh, Teddy, oh! 776 00:28:28,501 --> 00:28:29,752 We weren't supposed to say anything. 777 00:28:29,752 --> 00:28:31,421 - Fuck. - I knew it. 778 00:28:31,421 --> 00:28:32,922 I knew he'd show up. 779 00:28:32,922 --> 00:28:34,424 Oh, it's probably going to be huge 780 00:28:34,424 --> 00:28:36,634 if even you two losers are invited. 781 00:28:36,634 --> 00:28:37,802 Hell yeah. 782 00:28:37,802 --> 00:28:40,054 [laughter] 783 00:28:40,054 --> 00:28:41,472 What the fuck is wrong with you? 784 00:28:41,472 --> 00:28:43,099 I know, but did you see the look in his eye? 785 00:28:43,099 --> 00:28:44,600 He's like fucking Charles Manson. 786 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,269 What the fuck are we supposed to do now? 787 00:28:46,269 --> 00:28:48,271 He thinks his dad's showing up. - I don't know. 788 00:28:48,271 --> 00:28:50,398 We find somebody to be his dad. - Well, fucking who? 789 00:28:50,398 --> 00:28:52,859 I don't know. We find an actor or something. 790 00:28:52,859 --> 00:28:55,361 Ah, shit. 791 00:28:55,361 --> 00:28:58,698 ♪ ♪ 792 00:28:58,698 --> 00:29:01,993 All right, we got balloons, a cake. 793 00:29:01,993 --> 00:29:03,453 Do you think he's too old for a piñata? 794 00:29:03,453 --> 00:29:04,704 Yeah, I don't think we want to put 795 00:29:04,704 --> 00:29:05,955 a bat in his hands, Johnny. 796 00:29:05,955 --> 00:29:08,624 Oh yeah, good call. 797 00:29:08,624 --> 00:29:10,793 Oh. How did it go? 798 00:29:10,793 --> 00:29:12,712 It was a living nightmare. 799 00:29:12,712 --> 00:29:14,130 Matty, how you feeling? 800 00:29:14,130 --> 00:29:15,715 Doc says I'm clean as a whistle. 801 00:29:15,715 --> 00:29:16,758 Nothing to worry about. 802 00:29:16,758 --> 00:29:18,134 That's not all the doctor said. 803 00:29:18,134 --> 00:29:19,552 What do you mean? 804 00:29:19,552 --> 00:29:22,513 It was the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. 805 00:29:22,513 --> 00:29:25,349 Blaire, what happened? 806 00:29:27,685 --> 00:29:29,604 Matty made me go into the operating room with him, so-- 807 00:29:29,604 --> 00:29:30,813 Blaire, what the hell? 808 00:29:30,813 --> 00:29:31,814 To shut him up if the drugs made him 809 00:29:31,814 --> 00:29:33,066 say some shit about Vietnam. 810 00:29:33,066 --> 00:29:34,358 You're not getting those 300 bucks! 811 00:29:34,358 --> 00:29:36,152 I don't care. This has to end. 812 00:29:36,152 --> 00:29:38,154 Nothing is worth what I went through today. 813 00:29:38,154 --> 00:29:39,280 Do you know where they put the wand 814 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,074 when they're done with it? I do. 815 00:29:41,074 --> 00:29:43,076 What secret? What is she talking about? 816 00:29:43,076 --> 00:29:45,036 - Forget it, Susan. - No, Matty, this is insane. 817 00:29:45,036 --> 00:29:46,496 You have to talk about it and move on, 818 00:29:46,496 --> 00:29:48,331 because I am not fucking doing that again 819 00:29:48,331 --> 00:29:49,499 in five years. - Just drop it! 820 00:29:49,499 --> 00:29:50,833 What'd you do? Desert your platoon? 821 00:29:50,833 --> 00:29:52,043 Go AWOL? 822 00:29:52,043 --> 00:29:53,086 Did you accidentally shoot Bob Hope? 823 00:29:53,086 --> 00:29:54,087 What? - I wish. 824 00:29:54,087 --> 00:29:55,338 I could live with that. 825 00:29:55,338 --> 00:29:57,173 Whatever it is, I'm sure we'll understand. 826 00:29:57,173 --> 00:29:58,674 No, you won't. This was war. 827 00:29:58,674 --> 00:30:00,176 For Christ's sake, Matty, we're your family. 828 00:30:00,176 --> 00:30:01,511 Just fucking tell us. 829 00:30:01,511 --> 00:30:03,554 I jacked off a dog! 830 00:30:07,100 --> 00:30:09,394 What the fuck? 831 00:30:09,394 --> 00:30:10,937 Oh, my God. 832 00:30:10,937 --> 00:30:12,647 You guys said you'd understand. 833 00:30:12,647 --> 00:30:15,149 That was before we knew how fucked up it was. 834 00:30:15,149 --> 00:30:16,943 You've never been to war. Things happen. 835 00:30:16,943 --> 00:30:18,194 Not that. No. 836 00:30:18,194 --> 00:30:20,113 Why the fuck would you jack off a dog? 837 00:30:20,113 --> 00:30:22,407 Whose dog was it? 838 00:30:38,256 --> 00:30:41,217 My platoon was camped in the jungle 839 00:30:41,217 --> 00:30:45,054 about two clicks south of the Do Lung Bridge. 840 00:30:45,054 --> 00:30:47,265 Our dog Scout was with us... 841 00:30:47,265 --> 00:30:51,894 [chuckles] Chewing on some dinner scraps. 842 00:30:51,894 --> 00:30:54,397 My buddy Donny and I were about to start the night watch 843 00:30:54,397 --> 00:30:59,652 when we noticed... Scout had an erection. 844 00:30:59,652 --> 00:31:02,238 Well, you were very handsome back then. 845 00:31:02,238 --> 00:31:05,032 Just let me do this, Susan. 846 00:31:07,702 --> 00:31:10,913 We waited for it to go away on its own, but it didn't. 847 00:31:10,913 --> 00:31:12,707 It was obviously stuck. 848 00:31:12,707 --> 00:31:15,251 Now, that could be dangerous for a dog, 849 00:31:15,251 --> 00:31:17,795 especially in the jungle-- it gets infected. 850 00:31:17,795 --> 00:31:19,797 He could have died. 851 00:31:19,797 --> 00:31:24,761 We didn't have a medic with us. I had to do something. 852 00:31:24,761 --> 00:31:29,057 I tried to ease it back in, 853 00:31:29,057 --> 00:31:31,100 but it popped out. 854 00:31:31,100 --> 00:31:32,977 So I tried again. 855 00:31:32,977 --> 00:31:34,937 No good. 856 00:31:34,937 --> 00:31:36,397 Time was running out. 857 00:31:36,397 --> 00:31:38,649 Let me tell you, that dog had sniffed out 858 00:31:38,649 --> 00:31:40,777 more landmines than I could count. 859 00:31:40,777 --> 00:31:44,989 He had saved all of our lives, so I had to keep trying. 860 00:31:47,408 --> 00:31:51,537 And that's when it happened. 861 00:31:51,537 --> 00:31:56,584 He made a noise like a bark, but happier. 862 00:31:59,420 --> 00:32:04,050 Then he went back to his food. 863 00:32:04,050 --> 00:32:05,802 Donny and I didn't make eye contact 864 00:32:05,802 --> 00:32:08,679 for the rest of the war. 865 00:32:17,188 --> 00:32:21,150 For God's sake, somebody say something. 866 00:32:21,150 --> 00:32:24,737 You soldiers gave so much. 867 00:32:30,618 --> 00:32:35,123 I-I think you did the right thing. 868 00:32:35,123 --> 00:32:38,459 Very heroic. 869 00:32:38,459 --> 00:32:40,586 Yeah. 870 00:32:40,586 --> 00:32:44,674 Great job, Dad. 871 00:32:44,674 --> 00:32:50,138 You did it there so we didn't have to do it here. 872 00:32:50,138 --> 00:32:52,223 Stand down, soldier. 873 00:32:57,270 --> 00:33:04,277 ♪ ♪ 874 00:33:04,277 --> 00:33:06,612 [radio channels tuning] 875 00:33:06,612 --> 00:33:10,074 All right, testing, testing, one, two, three. 876 00:33:10,074 --> 00:33:11,701 Yeah, I can hear you. Oh, that's neat. 877 00:33:11,701 --> 00:33:13,578 Yeah, I paid off a techie at school. 878 00:33:13,578 --> 00:33:14,871 Just remember to keep the other one on 879 00:33:14,871 --> 00:33:16,038 so we can hear you and Clive. 880 00:33:16,038 --> 00:33:17,373 OK, so we're going to be feeding you 881 00:33:17,373 --> 00:33:19,125 what to say as we go along, and if there's-- 882 00:33:19,125 --> 00:33:20,460 Right, right. 883 00:33:20,460 --> 00:33:21,627 If you could not give me specific line readings, 884 00:33:21,627 --> 00:33:23,588 that would be great. - What? 885 00:33:23,588 --> 00:33:26,257 Yeah, just, you know, tell me what you want to communicate 886 00:33:26,257 --> 00:33:28,551 and then I will interpret it as an actor. 887 00:33:28,551 --> 00:33:31,179 You know, I was going to get a coffee cart for the set, 888 00:33:31,179 --> 00:33:32,346 but now forget it. 889 00:33:32,346 --> 00:33:33,681 Oh, tell me something. 890 00:33:33,681 --> 00:33:35,933 Where am I coming from? - Huh? 891 00:33:35,933 --> 00:33:38,561 Like just before I meet Clive, where was I? 892 00:33:38,561 --> 00:33:40,563 You were right fucking here talking to us. 893 00:33:40,563 --> 00:33:41,773 No, no, no. No, not me. 894 00:33:41,773 --> 00:33:43,566 The character. Where was the character? 895 00:33:43,566 --> 00:33:45,401 It'll affect how I play the scene. 896 00:33:45,401 --> 00:33:47,779 He was playing Pippin on Broadway. 897 00:33:47,779 --> 00:33:49,405 No, no. 898 00:33:49,405 --> 00:33:52,408 He was at home, grieving over his wife's miscarriage. 899 00:33:52,408 --> 00:33:54,243 - Oh, Jesus Christ. - Oh, yeah. 900 00:33:54,243 --> 00:33:55,620 Oh, I like that. You're good. 901 00:33:55,620 --> 00:33:58,414 You should get into the business. 902 00:33:58,414 --> 00:33:59,999 - The fuck is wrong with you? - What? 903 00:33:59,999 --> 00:34:02,126 We'll get one like this and then we'll try it your way. 904 00:34:02,126 --> 00:34:03,795 All right? Jesus fucking Christ. 905 00:34:06,547 --> 00:34:09,342 Yeah, in case anyone else needs a drink too. 906 00:34:09,342 --> 00:34:11,594 What the hell are you talking about, Derek? 907 00:34:11,594 --> 00:34:13,930 Clive? 908 00:34:13,930 --> 00:34:16,099 Dad? 909 00:34:16,099 --> 00:34:17,350 Is that you? 910 00:34:17,350 --> 00:34:19,060 It's me, son. 911 00:34:19,060 --> 00:34:21,104 I've returned. 912 00:34:21,104 --> 00:34:22,730 [chuckles] 913 00:34:22,730 --> 00:34:25,983 Oh, Dad, I can't believe it's really you. 914 00:34:25,983 --> 00:34:28,236 OK, that's good. Now tell him you can't stay. 915 00:34:28,236 --> 00:34:30,196 You've got an important mission back in LA. 916 00:34:30,196 --> 00:34:31,614 There's a sniper trying to take out 917 00:34:31,614 --> 00:34:33,449 the world's top surfers in Malibu. 918 00:34:33,449 --> 00:34:35,034 I can't stay long. 919 00:34:35,034 --> 00:34:37,328 My wife and I have suffered a personal tragedy 920 00:34:37,328 --> 00:34:39,080 and she needs me at home. 921 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:40,957 - See? It plays great. - Shut up. 922 00:34:40,957 --> 00:34:43,209 I have a stepmom? 923 00:34:43,209 --> 00:34:45,294 What's her name? - Catherine. 924 00:34:45,294 --> 00:34:46,963 She's a widowed farm owner and she's hired me 925 00:34:46,963 --> 00:34:49,006 as a farmhand at her estate. 926 00:34:49,006 --> 00:34:50,299 - Is that-- - Is he-- 927 00:34:50,299 --> 00:34:51,884 - Is that "Pippin?" - He's doing "Pippin." 928 00:34:51,884 --> 00:34:53,261 Is he fucking doing "Pippin?" - He's fucking doing "Pippin." 929 00:34:53,261 --> 00:34:54,637 God damn it, no "Pippin!" 930 00:34:54,637 --> 00:34:57,890 But I thought you were a soldier of fortune. 931 00:34:57,890 --> 00:35:00,643 You're blowing this, you motherfucker. 932 00:35:00,643 --> 00:35:05,148 ♪ Sitting on the floor and talking till dawn ♪ 933 00:35:05,148 --> 00:35:07,358 ♪ Candles and confidences ♪ 934 00:35:07,358 --> 00:35:08,901 Clive's going to beat the shit out of him. 935 00:35:08,901 --> 00:35:12,864 ♪ Trading old beliefs and humming old songs ♪ 936 00:35:12,864 --> 00:35:14,157 [laughs] 937 00:35:14,157 --> 00:35:16,242 - Clive. - Mom. 938 00:35:16,242 --> 00:35:17,827 - Oh, shit. - Oh, my God. 939 00:35:17,827 --> 00:35:19,495 What's going on? What is all this? 940 00:35:19,495 --> 00:35:21,497 Mom, what are you doing here? 941 00:35:21,497 --> 00:35:22,665 Jeff Driscoll's mother told me you're having 942 00:35:22,665 --> 00:35:24,167 a party out here in the park. 943 00:35:24,167 --> 00:35:25,460 Why didn't you tell me? 944 00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:26,669 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 945 00:35:26,669 --> 00:35:28,755 Mom, look. 946 00:35:28,755 --> 00:35:29,964 Dad's here. 947 00:35:29,964 --> 00:35:31,424 Abort, abort, get the fuck out of there. 948 00:35:31,424 --> 00:35:33,009 What are you talking about? 949 00:35:33,009 --> 00:35:35,136 That's not your dad. 950 00:35:35,136 --> 00:35:36,345 Say that's not your mother. 951 00:35:36,345 --> 00:35:38,681 I hate giving other actors notes, 952 00:35:38,681 --> 00:35:40,600 but I feel like you've come in so hot, 953 00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:42,435 you're not giving yourself anywhere to go. 954 00:35:42,435 --> 00:35:43,603 Who the hell are you? 955 00:35:43,603 --> 00:35:45,730 OK. I can't work like this. 956 00:35:45,730 --> 00:35:48,316 Let me guess, she's the producer's girlfriend. 957 00:35:48,316 --> 00:35:49,525 Bullshit. - Hang on, Mom, I'll be back. 958 00:35:49,525 --> 00:35:51,110 That was a good note I gave her too. 959 00:35:51,110 --> 00:35:52,653 - Hey. - I'm in way over the top. 960 00:35:52,653 --> 00:35:53,696 Hey. 961 00:35:53,696 --> 00:35:55,531 What the fuck is going on here? 962 00:35:55,531 --> 00:35:57,992 Are you not really my dad? - No. 963 00:35:57,992 --> 00:36:00,369 These two guys paid me to come here and play your father. 964 00:36:00,369 --> 00:36:01,662 But let me tell you something. 965 00:36:01,662 --> 00:36:04,207 This is the most shoddy, disorganized production 966 00:36:04,207 --> 00:36:05,541 I have ever been a part of. 967 00:36:05,541 --> 00:36:08,127 John Rubinstein would never stand for this, 968 00:36:08,127 --> 00:36:10,421 and neither will I. 969 00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,385 Oh, fucking cock fuck. 970 00:36:15,385 --> 00:36:17,220 Is this some kind of fucking joke? 971 00:36:17,220 --> 00:36:18,429 Oh, shit. 972 00:36:18,429 --> 00:36:19,514 Oh God, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. 973 00:36:19,514 --> 00:36:21,474 Clive, Clive, just listen. OK? 974 00:36:21,474 --> 00:36:22,809 You motherfucker! 975 00:36:22,809 --> 00:36:25,269 You think you can fuck with my head and live? 976 00:36:25,269 --> 00:36:27,563 I am about to beat the face off of you. 977 00:36:27,563 --> 00:36:29,899 You're dead, both of you. You're fucking dead. 978 00:36:29,899 --> 00:36:31,192 Ah! 979 00:36:31,192 --> 00:36:32,693 Clive, Clive, just wait one minute, all right? 980 00:36:32,693 --> 00:36:34,612 Before you kill us, just hear us out. 981 00:36:34,612 --> 00:36:37,115 Look, I'm sorry we lied and said we were your dad. 982 00:36:37,115 --> 00:36:38,491 But think about it. 983 00:36:38,491 --> 00:36:40,451 What is a dad? 984 00:36:40,451 --> 00:36:42,286 It's someone who believes in you, 985 00:36:42,286 --> 00:36:44,247 someone who roots for you to do your best, 986 00:36:44,247 --> 00:36:47,208 and who's proud of you when you work hard and you win. 987 00:36:47,208 --> 00:36:48,876 We did that. 988 00:36:48,876 --> 00:36:50,420 What do you mean? 989 00:36:50,420 --> 00:36:53,047 We told you you could pass that math test and you did it. 990 00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:54,590 Didn't that feel good? 991 00:36:54,590 --> 00:36:57,552 And when you got that B-, I mean, what an improvement. 992 00:36:57,552 --> 00:36:59,262 We were there pulling for you. 993 00:36:59,262 --> 00:37:02,014 We were encouraging you to reach your full potential. 994 00:37:02,014 --> 00:37:03,391 We did all that. 995 00:37:03,391 --> 00:37:04,976 And didn't it feel good? 996 00:37:04,976 --> 00:37:07,186 Didn't you feel good about yourself? 997 00:37:07,186 --> 00:37:10,064 Yeah, I-I did. 998 00:37:10,064 --> 00:37:11,858 You've really turned things around. 999 00:37:11,858 --> 00:37:14,277 Your grades are better. You're smiling more. 1000 00:37:14,277 --> 00:37:15,611 I am? 1001 00:37:15,611 --> 00:37:18,823 All the guys in woodshop are saying so. 1002 00:37:18,823 --> 00:37:21,492 I've been thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1003 00:37:21,492 --> 00:37:22,827 You hear that? 1004 00:37:22,827 --> 00:37:24,662 He's thinking about taking guitar lessons. 1005 00:37:24,662 --> 00:37:26,622 Well, that's fantastic. 1006 00:37:26,622 --> 00:37:29,167 Hey, we're going to be at every recital. 1007 00:37:29,167 --> 00:37:31,085 - Really? - Absolutely. 1008 00:37:31,085 --> 00:37:33,921 We are not going anywhere. 1009 00:37:33,921 --> 00:37:35,173 Bring it in here. 1010 00:37:35,173 --> 00:37:38,301 [crying] 1011 00:37:38,301 --> 00:37:42,430 We are so fucking proud of you, buddy. 1012 00:37:42,430 --> 00:37:43,931 There you go. 1013 00:37:43,931 --> 00:37:45,183 Oh, OK, easy there. 1014 00:37:45,183 --> 00:37:46,184 Easy there, Lenny. 1015 00:37:46,184 --> 00:37:47,727 Don't kill the rabbit. 1016 00:37:47,727 --> 00:37:49,062 OK. 1017 00:37:49,062 --> 00:37:51,481 Hey, what do you say we have some cake? 1018 00:37:51,481 --> 00:37:53,733 - Yeah. - And something healthy. 1019 00:37:53,733 --> 00:37:55,359 All right, don't undermine me in front of him. 1020 00:37:55,359 --> 00:37:57,361 Come on, let's go. 1021 00:37:57,361 --> 00:37:59,864 [laughs] 1022 00:37:59,864 --> 00:38:02,825 ♪ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪ 1023 00:38:02,825 --> 00:38:05,495 ♪ Little boy blue and the man on the moon ♪ 1024 00:38:05,495 --> 00:38:08,998 I think we should try for another. 1025 00:38:08,998 --> 00:38:12,001 ♪ But we'll get together then ♪ 1026 00:38:12,001 --> 00:38:15,546 ♪ You know we'll have a good time then ♪ 1027 00:38:15,546 --> 00:38:18,424 [Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle"] 1028 00:38:18,424 --> 00:38:23,930 ♪ ♪ 1029 00:38:23,930 --> 00:38:26,724 ♪ My son turned ten just the other day ♪ 1030 00:38:26,724 --> 00:38:28,643 ♪ He said thanks for the ball, Dad ♪ 1031 00:38:28,643 --> 00:38:29,852 ♪ Come on, let's play ♪ 1032 00:38:29,852 --> 00:38:31,354 ♪ Can you teach me to throw ♪ 1033 00:38:31,354 --> 00:38:32,855 ♪ I said, not today ♪ 1034 00:38:32,855 --> 00:38:34,399 ♪ I got a lot to do ♪ 1035 00:38:34,399 --> 00:38:36,234 ♪ He said, that's OK ♪ 1036 00:38:36,234 --> 00:38:37,568 ♪ And he walked away ♪ 1037 00:38:37,568 --> 00:38:39,028 ♪ But his smile never dimmed ♪ 1038 00:38:39,028 --> 00:38:41,864 ♪ And said, I'm going to be like him ♪ 1039 00:38:41,864 --> 00:38:46,536 ♪ Yeah, you know I'm going to be like him ♪ 1040 00:38:46,536 --> 00:38:50,039 ♪ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪ 1041 00:38:50,039 --> 00:38:53,292 ♪ Little boy blue and the man on the moon ♪ 1042 00:38:53,292 --> 00:38:54,585 ♪ When you coming home, Dad ♪ 1043 00:38:54,585 --> 00:38:56,212 ♪ I don't know when ♪ 1044 00:38:56,212 --> 00:38:58,965 ♪ But we'll get together then ♪ 1045 00:38:58,965 --> 00:39:02,468 ♪ You know we'll have a good time then ♪ 1046 00:39:02,468 --> 00:39:09,767 ♪ ♪ 1047 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,187 ♪ Well, he came from college just the other day ♪