1 00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,219 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:13,056 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,891 {\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪ 4 00:00:14,891 --> 00:00:16,476 {\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 5 00:00:16,476 --> 00:00:19,520 {\an8}♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,483 {\an8}♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 7 00:00:23,483 --> 00:00:26,110 {\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 8 00:00:27,862 --> 00:00:30,782 {\an8}[upbeat music] 9 00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:32,950 {\an8}♪ ♪ 10 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,911 {\an8}Oh, baby. Here we go. 11 00:00:34,911 --> 00:00:36,621 {\an8}Let the festivities begin. 12 00:00:36,621 --> 00:00:38,247 {\an8}- How many have we got? - Well, let's see. 13 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:41,250 {\an8}We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each. 14 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:42,877 {\an8}That's got to be like, 20 dozen eggs, right? 15 00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,253 {\an8}Fucking fantastic. 16 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,089 {\an8}Do you think we're getting too old for this? 17 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:48,758 {\an8}Oh, come on, Johnny, we're doing a public service here. 18 00:00:48,758 --> 00:00:51,511 {\an8}If a kid leaves the house in a less than stellar Halloween 19 00:00:51,511 --> 00:00:53,554 {\an8}costume, he's got to get the bad news 20 00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:55,681 {\an8}before he makes a fool of himself all over town. 21 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:56,933 {\an8}We're Samaritans. 22 00:00:56,933 --> 00:00:58,226 {\an8}You remember last year? 23 00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,352 Oh, check it out. There's one. 24 00:00:59,352 --> 00:01:01,312 Hey, nice costume, fuckface! 25 00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:03,231 Ah! What the hell? 26 00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,607 Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be? 27 00:01:04,607 --> 00:01:06,734 - I'm the Hulk. - Yeah, no, you're not. 28 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:07,902 Yes, I am! 29 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,445 The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture 30 00:01:09,445 --> 00:01:11,364 of the Hulk on his chest. 31 00:01:11,364 --> 00:01:13,449 Yeah, the Hulk's shirt doesn't say "The Hulk" on it. 32 00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:15,284 Yeah, if you got to tell us you're the Hulk, 33 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:16,244 it's already a failed narrative. 34 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,453 Fuck you. 35 00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:19,247 Ah! You assholes! 36 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:20,832 Hulk angry. 37 00:01:20,832 --> 00:01:22,375 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, whatever, dude. 38 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,793 Hulk smash! 39 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:26,504 Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash there. 40 00:01:26,504 --> 00:01:28,256 Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself 41 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,298 in the third person? 42 00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:30,717 I know. He's like Bob Dole. 43 00:01:30,717 --> 00:01:31,843 Shit! 44 00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:32,969 All right, how much time we got? 45 00:01:32,969 --> 00:01:34,887 Uh, a couple hours. 46 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,347 What do you want to do? 47 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,516 - Scary movie? - Scary movie. 48 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,150 {\an8}Wait, what the hell? 49 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,985 {\an8}Where's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? 50 00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:50,111 Hey, hey, Blaire. 51 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:51,529 Yeah. 52 00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:52,989 I thought you were going to rent scary movies. 53 00:01:52,989 --> 00:01:54,532 I did. 54 00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:57,118 {\an8}Walt Disney's "Watcher in the Woods," what the fuck? 55 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,328 {\an8}Chainsaws are lazy and obvious. 56 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,997 {\an8}This is cerebral. 57 00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:02,915 And it's a really scary movie. 58 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,250 [scoffs] Walt Disney? 59 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:06,502 Early '80s Disney, the dark period. 60 00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,504 Oh, what dark period? It's fucking Disney. 61 00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:09,922 {\an8}You'll be scared. 62 00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:11,716 {\an8}Oh, come on, I saw "Aladdin," and I was fine. 63 00:02:11,716 --> 00:02:15,386 {\an8}I wasn't sitting there like, oh, no, fucking Jafar. 64 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:17,013 You know, we're not kids anymore, Blaire. 65 00:02:17,013 --> 00:02:18,181 Yeah. 66 00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,474 I haven't cried last four haircuts. 67 00:02:19,474 --> 00:02:21,184 - Yeah. - I'm using deodorant now. 68 00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,602 Yeah, deodorant. 69 00:02:22,602 --> 00:02:24,604 {\an8}Fine, I dare you to watch it. 70 00:02:24,604 --> 00:02:26,147 {\an8}See if it doesn't mess you up. 71 00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,191 - Fine, sure. - No problem. 72 00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:31,152 [tense music] 73 00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:38,326 ♪ ♪ 74 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,422 Oh, no. - No, no, no. 75 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:52,757 No, no, no. - No, no, I don't like this. 76 00:02:52,757 --> 00:02:54,175 - This is not good. - No. 77 00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:55,718 Nope. 78 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,387 both: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 79 00:02:57,387 --> 00:02:58,930 Don't like this. 80 00:03:00,515 --> 00:03:01,599 - Come on. - Oh, stop. 81 00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:03,101 - Come on. - Stop it. 82 00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,268 - Come on. - Oh, stop it! 83 00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:05,311 - Come on. - Stop it! 84 00:03:05,311 --> 00:03:06,521 [both scream] 85 00:03:06,521 --> 00:03:07,480 - Goddammit! - Come on! 86 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,606 - What the fuck? - Come on! 87 00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:09,899 Fuck, you're a piece of shit, Blaire. 88 00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:10,983 Oh, my God. 89 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,151 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 90 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,403 - Get it off. - Turn it off. 91 00:03:13,403 --> 00:03:14,695 Turn it the fuck off. - Oh, my God. 92 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,822 {\an8}Oh. 93 00:03:15,822 --> 00:03:17,073 {\an8}I'm never looking in a mirror again. 94 00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:18,699 {\an8}Me neither, fucking God! 95 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,076 {\an8}I'm never going to be able to shave. 96 00:03:20,076 --> 00:03:21,327 {\an8}Yeah. Thanks, Blaire. 97 00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:22,745 {\an8}Now he's going to have to grow a mustache. 98 00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:24,122 {\an8}Oh, that's going to limit my career choices. 99 00:03:24,122 --> 00:03:25,581 {\an8}Yeah, he's going to have to be a cop or a fireman. 100 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,250 {\an8}- Oh, those are dangerous jobs. - Yeah. 101 00:03:27,250 --> 00:03:28,418 {\an8}What if he gets killed? 102 00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:29,711 {\an8}God, Blaire, you're such a fucker. 103 00:03:29,711 --> 00:03:31,713 {\an8}Well, next time, don't be so smug with all 104 00:03:31,713 --> 00:03:33,339 {\an8}your cocky deodorant talk. 105 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:36,467 [phone ringing] 106 00:03:38,136 --> 00:03:39,679 Hello? 107 00:03:39,679 --> 00:03:41,681 Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag. 108 00:03:41,681 --> 00:03:42,724 Oh, hey, Sharon. What's up? 109 00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:44,350 Mirrors and small children 110 00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:45,768 pointing at things that you can't see. 111 00:03:45,768 --> 00:03:47,228 Oh, shit. Yeah, that's a bad one. 112 00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:48,438 God, are you sure? 113 00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:49,939 Oh, and when the Black guy says, 114 00:03:49,939 --> 00:03:51,983 oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement. 115 00:03:51,983 --> 00:03:53,276 That's always trouble. 116 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:54,402 Well, thank you for telling me. 117 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:55,445 Yeah, why does the Black guy always die? 118 00:03:55,445 --> 00:03:56,904 No, it's fine. I'll figure it out. 119 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,072 Yeah, isn't that kind of racist? 120 00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,615 Seems like it. 121 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:01,033 They should have only white people in those movies. 122 00:04:01,033 --> 00:04:03,077 Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won't get killed. 123 00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,245 Yeah, I'll talk to you later. 124 00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:05,663 Blaire, we just came up with a great way 125 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:07,290 to make movies less racist. 126 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:09,125 Sharon is conscientiously objecting 127 00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:12,670 to this costume party tonight, so I need a designated driver. 128 00:04:12,670 --> 00:04:14,756 Can you do it? - Me? 129 00:04:14,756 --> 00:04:15,840 No, not tonight. 130 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,508 Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans. 131 00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:18,760 Well, I can't drive myself. 132 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,011 I'll be full of Jell-O shots. 133 00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:22,096 So you have a few drinks, big deal. 134 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,474 You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? 135 00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:25,600 How fun it is. 136 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,851 John doesn't have his license yet. 137 00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:28,352 And you-- - It's like a video game. 138 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,438 - You owe me. - For what? 139 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,647 I took the heat went Aunt Suze found 140 00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:32,732 the porno you guys rented. 141 00:04:32,732 --> 00:04:34,609 What do I care? She's not my mom. 142 00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:37,320 My mom's an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis. 143 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,654 How do you know that? 144 00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:40,364 Because she sewed a note in my leg that says 145 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:41,699 she's never had a vegetable. 146 00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:43,618 Come on, Ted. Please, you got to drive me. 147 00:04:43,618 --> 00:04:44,786 It's not a good night, Blaire. 148 00:04:44,786 --> 00:04:46,454 We got plans. - Yeah. 149 00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,456 Now, I'm going to go shower and fluff myself, 150 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,208 so I can be in a confident head space 151 00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,501 to shame trick-or-treaters. 152 00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:54,670 The cuter I look, the worse they feel. 153 00:04:57,673 --> 00:05:04,305 [vocalizing] ♪ Macarena ♪ 154 00:05:04,305 --> 00:05:06,849 ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ 155 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:09,268 Ah, where's the goddamn conditioner? 156 00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:10,436 Help me. 157 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:11,646 Ah! 158 00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:12,980 Be my designated driver. 159 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,857 Jesus Christ, Blaire, what the fuck! 160 00:05:14,857 --> 00:05:15,900 Well? 161 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:16,984 What the fuck is wrong with you? 162 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,694 I'm naked. - You're always naked. 163 00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:20,363 Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked. 164 00:05:20,363 --> 00:05:21,823 I'm washing my bear parts. 165 00:05:21,823 --> 00:05:23,658 Get lost. 166 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,958 - Help me. - Ah, Jesus Christ! 167 00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:33,292 Drive me to the party. 168 00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:35,336 I said no. Stop fucking scaring me. 169 00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:36,629 God! 170 00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:38,131 You can end this very easily, you know. 171 00:05:38,131 --> 00:05:40,383 I will not be blackmailed. 172 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,219 [crickets chirping] 173 00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:45,638 There's nothing like the scent of the hills of Kilkenny 174 00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:46,889 to make you feel fresh. 175 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:49,559 And we put a bit of that into every bar 176 00:05:49,559 --> 00:05:51,060 of Irish Spring. 177 00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:53,563 This whole ad campaign is a bluff. 178 00:05:53,563 --> 00:05:54,856 What do you mean? 179 00:05:54,856 --> 00:05:56,315 It's like, you know who smells good? 180 00:05:56,315 --> 00:05:57,650 The Irish. 181 00:05:57,650 --> 00:06:00,695 Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great. 182 00:06:00,695 --> 00:06:01,821 Is it warm in here? 183 00:06:01,821 --> 00:06:03,239 Yeah, it is kind of warm. 184 00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:05,116 Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat. 185 00:06:05,116 --> 00:06:06,659 I'm going to check the thermostat. 186 00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:08,161 - No, wait. - What? 187 00:06:08,161 --> 00:06:09,370 It's her. 188 00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:10,788 It's fucking Blaire. 189 00:06:10,788 --> 00:06:12,331 You open that door, she's going to be right there 190 00:06:12,331 --> 00:06:13,624 with that fucking blindfold. 191 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,501 Here, I'll open a window. 192 00:06:18,463 --> 00:06:19,422 Help me. 193 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:20,590 Ah! 194 00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,717 All right, goddammit! 195 00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:25,762 Forbidden donut. 196 00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:29,640 Well, well, finishing something? 197 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,684 [screams] 198 00:06:31,684 --> 00:06:34,145 Now, remember, the instant you finish it... 199 00:06:34,145 --> 00:06:36,439 Oh, my God! 200 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,941 You two look so adorable. 201 00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:40,068 Thank you. 202 00:06:40,068 --> 00:06:42,528 All right, let me guess who you are. 203 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:46,199 Blaire, you're Batman. 204 00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:47,992 Close, Catwoman. 205 00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:49,410 OK. 206 00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:52,622 And, Ted, you're Lawrence of Arabia. 207 00:06:52,622 --> 00:06:54,415 Yeah, that's exactly right. 208 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,666 All right, now don't worry, Johnny. 209 00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:57,043 I'll be back by 9:00. Right, Blaire? 210 00:06:57,043 --> 00:06:58,920 {\an8}That was the deal. - Yeah, sure, whatever. 211 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,588 We're going to miss the first round. 212 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,006 Yeah, but that's just the little kids. 213 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:04,634 We'll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd. 214 00:07:04,634 --> 00:07:05,802 Yeah, I guess. 215 00:07:05,802 --> 00:07:08,137 OK, well, we got to go. 216 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,222 All right, you two. 217 00:07:09,222 --> 00:07:11,891 You have a fun time now. 218 00:07:11,891 --> 00:07:15,561 Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad. 219 00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:18,564 I have a fun surprise for you. 220 00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,066 What is it? 221 00:07:20,066 --> 00:07:25,113 I've hidden a Heath bar somewhere in this house. 222 00:07:25,113 --> 00:07:26,447 Can I get a hint? 223 00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:28,074 Oh, I can't do this to you. 224 00:07:28,074 --> 00:07:29,325 It's in the hamper. 225 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:30,952 I'll go get it. 226 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,206 [Spin Doctors' "Two Princes"] 227 00:07:35,206 --> 00:07:42,213 ♪ ♪ 228 00:07:54,142 --> 00:07:55,977 Blaire! 229 00:07:55,977 --> 00:07:57,854 Oh, my God. - You look so good. 230 00:07:57,854 --> 00:07:58,980 You look so good. 231 00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:00,148 Oh, you guys look amazing. 232 00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:01,357 - You look amazing. - Stunning. 233 00:08:01,357 --> 00:08:02,525 This is Ted. 234 00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:03,735 Ted, you know Sarah. 235 00:08:03,735 --> 00:08:05,111 And this is Paige. - Hey. 236 00:08:05,111 --> 00:08:06,612 Hey, Ted. How's it going? 237 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,739 Hey, how are you? 238 00:08:07,739 --> 00:08:09,115 What's your costume? 239 00:08:09,115 --> 00:08:10,199 Are you a caveman? 240 00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,535 You ever see "Return of the Jedi"? 241 00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:14,579 It was kind of a small independent film, 242 00:08:14,579 --> 00:08:16,038 mostly Israeli financed. 243 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,999 Yeah, I don't date men, so I don't need to learn this. 244 00:08:17,999 --> 00:08:20,543 Well, come on, we need to get you guys wasted. 245 00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:24,338 Yes, yes for me, but Ted here is my designated driver. 246 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:25,840 Yeah, I'm the guy that gets to listen 247 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,383 to the Spin Doctors sober. 248 00:08:27,383 --> 00:08:29,594 That sucks. Come on. 249 00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:31,387 [sighs] 250 00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:32,555 Hey. 251 00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:33,806 Want a drink? 252 00:08:33,806 --> 00:08:35,141 I can't, I'm driving. 253 00:08:35,141 --> 00:08:36,476 Oh, too bad. 254 00:08:36,476 --> 00:08:39,437 I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear. 255 00:08:39,437 --> 00:08:41,773 Fuck it, I'm not driving yet. 256 00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,401 [hip-hop music] 257 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,112 I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear. 258 00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:49,781 Sign me up. 259 00:08:49,781 --> 00:08:53,409 ♪ ♪ 260 00:08:53,409 --> 00:08:57,246 I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear. 261 00:08:57,246 --> 00:09:00,249 If that's a cry for help, you got the wrong guy. 262 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:01,250 Yeah! 263 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,294 [cheering] 264 00:09:03,294 --> 00:09:05,755 All righty, kids. 265 00:09:05,755 --> 00:09:08,549 You take care now, and happy Halloween. 266 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:09,801 Say thank you, kids. 267 00:09:09,801 --> 00:09:10,927 Thank you. 268 00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:12,428 Oh, you're welcome. 269 00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:14,847 And be careful of the razor blades, all right? 270 00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:17,642 They're everywhere. 271 00:09:17,642 --> 00:09:18,684 Matty. 272 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:19,685 Get the bacitracin. 273 00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,187 The bacitra-- why? 274 00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,480 An ostrich bit me. 275 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,482 - A what? - A goddamn ostrich! 276 00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:27,485 I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxford. 277 00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:29,654 And he keeps ostriches, doesn't want them getting 278 00:09:29,654 --> 00:09:31,280 past the property line. 279 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,116 And one of them bit me on the fucking ass! 280 00:09:33,116 --> 00:09:36,411 Wow, I've never seen an ostrich in person before. 281 00:09:36,411 --> 00:09:38,663 Your job is so interesting. 282 00:09:38,663 --> 00:09:40,623 Susan, will you help me out here? 283 00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,208 I'll get the bacitracin. 284 00:09:42,208 --> 00:09:45,169 Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium 285 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,880 on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket wrapped 286 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,924 in a little goddamn note! 287 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,721 [sighs] 288 00:10:08,693 --> 00:10:10,862 Hey, Mom, do we have any more chip-- 289 00:10:12,864 --> 00:10:15,324 Take a long look, Johnny. 290 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,702 This is what life is. 291 00:10:20,830 --> 00:10:23,541 [chatter] 292 00:10:23,541 --> 00:10:25,626 - Cheers, fucksticks. - Whoo! 293 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,378 [hip-hop music] 294 00:10:27,378 --> 00:10:28,671 Ah. 295 00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,590 Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying? 296 00:10:30,590 --> 00:10:31,632 Watch this. 297 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,384 Everybody wave your arms! 298 00:10:33,384 --> 00:10:35,428 [cheering] 299 00:10:35,428 --> 00:10:37,138 Everybody jump in the air! 300 00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:38,765 [cheering] 301 00:10:38,765 --> 00:10:40,391 Let's invade Poland! 302 00:10:40,391 --> 00:10:42,685 [cheering] 303 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:45,313 See that? That's the Milgram experiment. 304 00:10:45,313 --> 00:10:47,565 That's how it starts, with dancing. 305 00:10:47,565 --> 00:10:49,484 The dad from "Footloose" was right. 306 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,111 Oh, shit! 307 00:10:52,111 --> 00:10:54,113 It's 8:30. 308 00:10:54,113 --> 00:10:55,531 Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30. 309 00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:56,949 We got to go. 310 00:10:56,949 --> 00:11:00,161 God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is. 311 00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:02,413 Does it just naturally dry like that? 312 00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:03,664 Shut the fuck up. 313 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,374 Your hair's the beautiful hair. 314 00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:06,584 Wait a minute, are-- 315 00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:07,794 are you drunk? 316 00:11:07,794 --> 00:11:09,253 I'm just a little-- it's sort of. 317 00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:11,381 It's fine. - You're fucking drunk! 318 00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:12,382 Well, so are you. 319 00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:14,342 Yeah, well, that was the plan. 320 00:11:14,342 --> 00:11:16,260 [sighs] Sorry. 321 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,221 ♪ ♪ 322 00:11:18,221 --> 00:11:19,889 How the hell are we supposed to get home? 323 00:11:19,889 --> 00:11:21,474 You're completely fucked up. 324 00:11:21,474 --> 00:11:22,892 It's a straight shot. 325 00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:25,853 You take the Neponset Circle, to 93 South, to 90 West, 326 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,980 to 495 North, and you just do that U-turn 327 00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,190 at the light in front of the police station, 328 00:11:29,190 --> 00:11:30,483 and you're home. 329 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:31,984 Yeah, no, I'm not getting in a car with you. 330 00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,403 Look, what's done is done. 331 00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,238 But we both promised Johnny we'd get me back 332 00:11:35,238 --> 00:11:36,572 in time for egging, all right? 333 00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:37,865 I'm fine to drive. 334 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,659 You're not driving my car drunk, OK? 335 00:11:39,659 --> 00:11:40,868 It's-- it's my car. 336 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:41,953 I should be the drunk driver. 337 00:11:41,953 --> 00:11:43,246 All right, fair enough. 338 00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:45,289 I'll help by screaming out things I see. 339 00:11:53,423 --> 00:11:55,091 Hey, Blaire. 340 00:11:55,091 --> 00:11:57,343 Professor Damon, hi. 341 00:11:57,343 --> 00:11:58,970 - Who's this now? - How are you? 342 00:11:58,970 --> 00:12:00,888 Good, good. 343 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:01,931 Feeling sharp. 344 00:12:01,931 --> 00:12:03,015 Feeling sharp? 345 00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:04,058 Shut the fuck up. 346 00:12:04,058 --> 00:12:05,893 I love the Batman costume. 347 00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,520 Oh, thanks. 348 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,522 And who's Lawrence of Arabia here? 349 00:12:09,522 --> 00:12:11,232 Ted, talking teddy bear, hi. 350 00:12:11,232 --> 00:12:13,401 Oh, Ted. Yes, of course. 351 00:12:13,401 --> 00:12:15,111 I remember your story very well. 352 00:12:15,111 --> 00:12:16,195 Yeah. Well, it's nice meeting you. 353 00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,321 Come on. Let's go, Blaire. 354 00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:19,073 You in a rush? 355 00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:20,366 Why don't you come up to the house for a minute? 356 00:12:20,366 --> 00:12:21,743 There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 357 00:12:21,743 --> 00:12:23,161 I just went to the store. 358 00:12:23,161 --> 00:12:25,079 I could whip us up a little caprese salad. 359 00:12:25,079 --> 00:12:26,622 Yeah, yeah, sure. 360 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:28,499 I love salad. 361 00:12:28,499 --> 00:12:29,792 Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, hang on. 362 00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,377 Oh, you're invited too, Ted. 363 00:12:31,377 --> 00:12:32,420 See you in a few? 364 00:12:32,420 --> 00:12:33,588 Awesome, yeah. 365 00:12:33,588 --> 00:12:35,840 See you in a few. - OK. 366 00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:37,967 You buttnut! 367 00:12:37,967 --> 00:12:39,761 I promised Johnny I'd be home by 9:00. 368 00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:41,721 You clearly don't know who that is. 369 00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:44,474 Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding a moped, fucking winner. 370 00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:47,143 That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor. 371 00:12:47,143 --> 00:12:49,395 The Lucas Damon who also happens to be 372 00:12:49,395 --> 00:12:51,647 a "New York Times" best-selling novelist. 373 00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:54,025 Yeah, was the novel about a guy who couldn't afford a car? 374 00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:55,151 [mockingly] Was the guy-- 375 00:12:55,151 --> 00:12:57,153 no, he's looking for a student research 376 00:12:57,153 --> 00:12:58,404 assistant for his next book. 377 00:12:58,404 --> 00:13:00,656 Literally everybody wants this job. 378 00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:02,158 "I love salad." 379 00:13:02,158 --> 00:13:04,160 See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad. 380 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,287 I do. I really love salad. 381 00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:08,748 Not one person on this planet loves salad. 382 00:13:08,748 --> 00:13:10,291 - I do. - You're on death row. 383 00:13:10,291 --> 00:13:12,460 Your last meal, you can have a steak or a salad. 384 00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:14,253 - I'm going to choose a salad. - Fuck you! 385 00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,338 You're getting a steak. 386 00:13:15,338 --> 00:13:17,173 After what you did to that family-- 387 00:13:17,173 --> 00:13:19,175 the baby's ear was on the ceiling! 388 00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:20,843 I've been doing this job 20 years. 389 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,470 I never seen anything so horrible. 390 00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:24,347 - What? - Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up. 391 00:13:24,347 --> 00:13:26,349 Yeah, it's good you're driving. - Eh. 392 00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:35,525 My latest work is a piece of historical fiction 393 00:13:35,525 --> 00:13:39,278 that examines race and class in 19th century New England. 394 00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,781 Wow, that sounds incredible. 395 00:13:41,781 --> 00:13:43,282 Hey, great salad, by the way. 396 00:13:43,282 --> 00:13:45,410 I love that there are no croutons. 397 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:49,205 It explores the balance between sociopolitical change 398 00:13:49,205 --> 00:13:51,207 and personal relationships as seen 399 00:13:51,207 --> 00:13:53,209 through the eyes of a labor organizer 400 00:13:53,209 --> 00:13:54,544 in Martha's Vineyard. 401 00:13:54,544 --> 00:13:57,171 There's a plot twist that will shock you. 402 00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,549 Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes 403 00:13:59,549 --> 00:14:01,300 that's not 85 degrees? 404 00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:05,138 You know, John Irving always starts a novel 405 00:14:05,138 --> 00:14:08,391 with the last sentence. 406 00:14:08,391 --> 00:14:11,060 I like to start with the second to last. 407 00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:12,562 Would you like to hear it? 408 00:14:12,562 --> 00:14:13,855 Absolutely. 409 00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:15,606 [clears throat] 410 00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:17,442 The horizon wept 411 00:14:17,442 --> 00:14:20,278 as Clara's undraped mortal frame 412 00:14:20,278 --> 00:14:22,739 joined the coiled multitudes, 413 00:14:22,739 --> 00:14:24,741 elation, revolution, 414 00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:27,118 a taste of bitter blood. 415 00:14:28,578 --> 00:14:29,912 It's brilliant. 416 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:32,081 It evokes the best of James Joyce 417 00:14:32,081 --> 00:14:35,376 without feeling derivative or overly aureate. 418 00:14:35,376 --> 00:14:37,420 Hey, how'd you get inside my head? 419 00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:38,921 [laughter] 420 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,506 I'll freshen our drinks. 421 00:14:40,506 --> 00:14:44,010 Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned you, I'm the fun professor. 422 00:14:44,010 --> 00:14:45,344 OK. 423 00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:48,097 Jesus fucking Christ. 424 00:14:48,097 --> 00:14:49,807 Are you shitting me? - What? 425 00:14:49,807 --> 00:14:50,850 What do you mean, what? 426 00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,268 We're sitting here wasting time 427 00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:53,644 because this fucking horndog just wants to bang you. 428 00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,146 Excuse me. 429 00:14:55,146 --> 00:14:56,230 Where the hell are you getting that? 430 00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,191 Oh, my God, Blaire, it's so obvious. 431 00:14:58,191 --> 00:15:00,109 He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk-- 432 00:15:00,109 --> 00:15:01,402 OK, I'm not drunk. 433 00:15:01,402 --> 00:15:02,487 What are you talking about? 434 00:15:02,487 --> 00:15:03,946 "I love that there are no croutons." 435 00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:05,364 Yeah, it's called being polite. 436 00:15:05,364 --> 00:15:06,491 - When did you become-- - You should fucking try it. 437 00:15:06,491 --> 00:15:07,700 anti crouton just for this buttnut? 438 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,035 I'm trying to make fucking conversation. 439 00:15:09,035 --> 00:15:10,453 And by the way, I'm guessing this is 440 00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:12,580 the first time he's seen you dressed like this, 441 00:15:12,580 --> 00:15:14,373 as opposed to your usual fashion, 442 00:15:14,373 --> 00:15:16,417 which is basically Melissa Ethridge at a flea market. 443 00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,169 I know when I'm being hit on, OK? 444 00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:19,670 I have seven uncles. - You know what else? 445 00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,297 I'm just going to say it, that salad tastes 446 00:15:21,297 --> 00:15:22,965 like Dustin Hoffman's balls. 447 00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,425 Here we go, more wine. 448 00:15:24,425 --> 00:15:28,137 Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac? 449 00:15:28,137 --> 00:15:29,430 Yeah. Listen, we got to go. 450 00:15:29,430 --> 00:15:31,766 I got to take medicine for my diabetes. 451 00:15:31,766 --> 00:15:33,810 Oh, I'm so sorry. You have diabetes? 452 00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:34,977 Oh, yeah, real bad. 453 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,647 Oh. Type 1 or 2? 454 00:15:37,647 --> 00:15:40,525 Well, it started with just one diabete. 455 00:15:40,525 --> 00:15:41,984 And then, you know, left unchecked-- 456 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,278 I completely understand. 457 00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:47,490 Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister. 458 00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:48,908 Great, thanks for having us. Come on, Blaire. 459 00:15:48,908 --> 00:15:50,034 Let's get the fuck out of here, huh? 460 00:15:50,034 --> 00:15:51,160 Pleasure. 461 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,537 As Borges said, 462 00:15:52,537 --> 00:15:54,789 "With every goodbye, you learn." 463 00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:56,332 As Steinbeck said, 464 00:15:56,332 --> 00:15:59,335 "Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. 465 00:15:59,335 --> 00:16:01,087 Goodbye is short and final." 466 00:16:01,087 --> 00:16:03,631 As Hemingway said, "I wonder what this gun tastes like." 467 00:16:03,631 --> 00:16:05,675 All right, come on. Let's go, huh? 468 00:16:05,675 --> 00:16:08,678 [upbeat music] 469 00:16:08,678 --> 00:16:10,138 ♪ ♪ 470 00:16:10,138 --> 00:16:14,183 Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad. 471 00:16:14,183 --> 00:16:16,102 It's after 9:00. 472 00:16:16,102 --> 00:16:18,020 Ted promised to be back by now. 473 00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:20,064 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 474 00:16:20,064 --> 00:16:21,774 Well, if you want, you can help me clean 475 00:16:21,774 --> 00:16:23,526 your father's ostrich bite. 476 00:16:23,526 --> 00:16:24,777 Seriously? 477 00:16:24,777 --> 00:16:26,988 That's-- that's your best offer, Dad's ass? 478 00:16:26,988 --> 00:16:28,489 Oh. 479 00:16:28,489 --> 00:16:30,908 Well, what if you invited a friend over? 480 00:16:30,908 --> 00:16:33,411 In case you haven't noticed, Ted's my only friend. 481 00:16:33,411 --> 00:16:36,289 That lovely new woman from church, Carol, 482 00:16:36,289 --> 00:16:37,832 said she has a son. 483 00:16:37,832 --> 00:16:39,667 I think he's about your age. 484 00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,085 I don't care. 485 00:16:41,085 --> 00:16:45,214 He's probably growing into his body just like you. 486 00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:46,841 Should I invite him over? 487 00:16:46,841 --> 00:16:48,509 What the fuck? No. 488 00:16:48,509 --> 00:16:50,595 I think I'll call Carol. 489 00:16:52,513 --> 00:16:53,806 Why? 490 00:16:53,806 --> 00:16:55,933 Susan, the gauze came off. 491 00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,101 It's leaking again. 492 00:16:57,101 --> 00:16:58,770 Susan. 493 00:16:58,770 --> 00:17:01,397 Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a T-shirt you don't wear. 494 00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:03,566 Nothing with a decal! 495 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:10,239 ♪ ♪ 496 00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:12,241 Oh, my God. Can you fucking watch the road? 497 00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:13,743 That was a red light. - I see it. 498 00:17:13,743 --> 00:17:16,454 I just-- I choose not to let it define me. 499 00:17:16,454 --> 00:17:17,914 Pull over. I'm going to drive. 500 00:17:17,914 --> 00:17:19,207 Fuck that. 501 00:17:19,207 --> 00:17:20,541 You're the one who was chugging wine 502 00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:23,211 with that professor of cliterature. 503 00:17:23,211 --> 00:17:25,004 You know, like-- like literature, but like-- 504 00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:26,130 - Yeah, no. - With like, a clitoris. 505 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,256 - I know what you mean. - All right. 506 00:17:27,256 --> 00:17:29,008 Just checking, God. Jesus Christ. 507 00:17:29,008 --> 00:17:31,010 Yeah, and you're a fucking moron, by the way. 508 00:17:31,010 --> 00:17:32,053 You know that? - I'm a moron? 509 00:17:32,053 --> 00:17:33,221 Why am I a moron? 510 00:17:33,221 --> 00:17:34,305 That man is a brilliant writer. 511 00:17:34,305 --> 00:17:35,681 And what are you? 512 00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:37,183 A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem. 513 00:17:37,183 --> 00:17:39,102 Hey, at least I have a drug problem. 514 00:17:39,102 --> 00:17:40,436 Wait, what? Sorry. 515 00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:41,771 Fuck. I'm really fucked up, man. 516 00:17:41,771 --> 00:17:43,731 Great, well, you know, maybe then you can 517 00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:45,400 acknowledge the fact that you have no idea 518 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,609 what you're talking about. 519 00:17:46,609 --> 00:17:47,777 Look, will you just shut up and drive? 520 00:17:47,777 --> 00:17:48,861 You're driving! 521 00:17:48,861 --> 00:17:50,196 [horns blaring] 522 00:17:50,196 --> 00:17:51,989 Oh, fuck! 523 00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:55,159 [tires screeching] 524 00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,669 OK, that was a red light. 525 00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,844 Hey, honey, I'm home. 526 00:18:12,844 --> 00:18:13,886 [growls] 527 00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:15,096 Ow! 528 00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:17,473 I told you to get the salted crackers. 529 00:18:17,473 --> 00:18:20,351 Johnny, come on downstairs! 530 00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:24,313 Oh! [laughter] 531 00:18:26,858 --> 00:18:30,778 John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about. 532 00:18:30,778 --> 00:18:32,488 Yo, yo, yo. 533 00:18:32,488 --> 00:18:36,492 Will's also looking for something to do on Halloween. 534 00:18:36,492 --> 00:18:38,703 - Oh. - John needs a friend tonight. 535 00:18:38,703 --> 00:18:42,248 He's upset because his teddy bear's not here. 536 00:18:42,248 --> 00:18:43,666 That's cool, man. 537 00:18:43,666 --> 00:18:46,127 Wow, this place is like a mansion. 538 00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:48,921 I'm going to go make you boys some spooky cookies. 539 00:18:48,921 --> 00:18:50,631 - Oh. - Boo. 540 00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,801 [laughs] I'll take a lamb chop, though. 541 00:18:53,801 --> 00:18:55,386 If you got one, just get it going. 542 00:18:55,386 --> 00:18:56,554 I'll take it. 543 00:18:56,554 --> 00:18:59,348 It's-- so what do you wanna do? 544 00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:00,725 How old are you? 545 00:19:00,725 --> 00:19:01,976 38. 546 00:19:01,976 --> 00:19:03,436 I live with my mom by choice. 547 00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:05,772 - Uh-huh. - A little bit about myself. 548 00:19:05,772 --> 00:19:08,775 I work in quality control at General Mills. 549 00:19:08,775 --> 00:19:10,860 I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal. 550 00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:14,030 I'm the last line of defense between your mouth 551 00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,656 and rat feces. 552 00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:17,366 I-- I hope you're good at your job. 553 00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:19,786 I'm not. Stop eating cereal. 554 00:19:19,786 --> 00:19:22,080 What else is there? 555 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,040 I own every Steely Dan album. 556 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,625 I'm an expert dungeon master. 557 00:19:25,625 --> 00:19:27,668 I dabble in animal husbandry. 558 00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,129 I guess what I'm trying to say, Johnny, 559 00:19:30,129 --> 00:19:34,050 is you can have it all. 560 00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:36,052 You want a Zima? 561 00:19:36,052 --> 00:19:37,470 A Zi-- no, I'm good. 562 00:19:37,470 --> 00:19:38,930 You want to look at some porn? 563 00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:40,139 You got porn? 564 00:19:40,139 --> 00:19:41,557 Fuck yeah, I got porn. 565 00:19:41,557 --> 00:19:43,434 Here, check this out. 566 00:19:46,896 --> 00:19:47,939 These are drawings. 567 00:19:47,939 --> 00:19:49,482 Yeah. 568 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:53,903 This is-- this is porn that you drew. 569 00:19:53,903 --> 00:19:56,572 Yeah, my mom won't let me look at the real stuff 570 00:19:56,572 --> 00:19:58,908 because of the cigarette ads, so... 571 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,286 - Why-- why are they all-- - Oh, I can't do hands. 572 00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:03,955 - Oh. - So... 573 00:20:05,081 --> 00:20:06,416 You know what the weirdest part is, man? 574 00:20:06,416 --> 00:20:08,960 Now when a girl has hands, I hate it. 575 00:20:11,087 --> 00:20:13,423 Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion-O? 576 00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:15,049 That is Winona Ryder fuck-- yeah. 577 00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:16,634 I gave her a ton of bush. 578 00:20:16,634 --> 00:20:18,636 I doubt she has that much bush in real life, 579 00:20:18,636 --> 00:20:20,888 but that's the beauty of art, right? 580 00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,598 It can be anything we imagine it to be. 581 00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:24,767 His dick is a sword. 582 00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,978 You'll never guess what his sword is. 583 00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:29,564 - Is it a dick? - A dick. 584 00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:31,941 - Yeah. - It's a dick. 585 00:20:31,941 --> 00:20:33,776 This one gets me so good. 586 00:20:33,776 --> 00:20:35,987 Do you ever look at one that gets you good? 587 00:20:35,987 --> 00:20:38,406 Not a drawing, but not-- 588 00:20:38,406 --> 00:20:39,782 not before this. 589 00:20:39,782 --> 00:20:41,033 Then you're not doing it right. 590 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:43,327 - Oh. - Give them back. 591 00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:47,665 Oh, I can't fucking believe you just did that! 592 00:20:47,665 --> 00:20:49,751 I'm not even halfway done with payments on this car. 593 00:20:49,751 --> 00:20:51,711 Jesus, you paid for this car? 594 00:20:51,711 --> 00:20:53,713 Oh, shut up. It's a great car. 595 00:20:53,713 --> 00:20:55,798 Oh, my God, Blaire, there's a kid in the grill! 596 00:20:55,798 --> 00:20:57,508 - What? - I'm just kidding. 597 00:20:57,508 --> 00:20:58,593 Look at your face. 598 00:20:58,593 --> 00:21:00,053 Motherfucker! 599 00:21:00,053 --> 00:21:02,472 Yeah, but see, now real life ain't so bad, right? 600 00:21:02,472 --> 00:21:04,182 No, no, we gotta get this thing 601 00:21:04,182 --> 00:21:05,475 towed before the cops show up. 602 00:21:05,475 --> 00:21:07,643 Oh, because we've been drinking. 603 00:21:07,643 --> 00:21:09,729 Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking. 604 00:21:09,729 --> 00:21:10,980 Well, wait a minute, why don't we 605 00:21:10,980 --> 00:21:12,440 just tell the cops that we started 606 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,858 drinking after we crashed? 607 00:21:13,858 --> 00:21:15,318 Right, we were so pissed about the crash, 608 00:21:15,318 --> 00:21:16,903 that we had nine beers. 609 00:21:16,903 --> 00:21:18,654 You know, that's actually a great idea. 610 00:21:18,654 --> 00:21:19,822 - Really? - Yeah. 611 00:21:19,822 --> 00:21:21,491 I think you just solved drunk driving. 612 00:21:21,491 --> 00:21:23,576 - I did, didn't I? - No, you dipshit. 613 00:21:23,576 --> 00:21:25,369 We gotta go find a phone. 614 00:21:32,126 --> 00:21:33,503 Well, what'd they say? 615 00:21:33,503 --> 00:21:36,005 Uh, they said phone is for employees only. 616 00:21:36,005 --> 00:21:39,342 Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk. 617 00:21:39,342 --> 00:21:40,510 - Shit. - Yeah. 618 00:21:40,510 --> 00:21:42,387 Here, I stole you an apple pie. 619 00:21:42,387 --> 00:21:44,806 - Oh, thanks. - Mm-hmm. 620 00:21:46,224 --> 00:21:47,475 Well, you know, I don't know why 621 00:21:47,475 --> 00:21:49,227 I always think you're not white trash 622 00:21:49,227 --> 00:21:50,311 like the rest of the family. 623 00:21:50,311 --> 00:21:51,521 Fuck you. 624 00:21:51,521 --> 00:21:52,605 Because you are. 625 00:21:52,605 --> 00:21:54,273 OK, just eat it. 626 00:21:54,273 --> 00:21:56,818 Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot. 627 00:21:57,819 --> 00:21:59,862 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Ah, God! 628 00:21:59,862 --> 00:22:01,572 - Why the fuck do they do that? - Ah, God! 629 00:22:01,572 --> 00:22:02,907 I don't know. 630 00:22:02,907 --> 00:22:05,493 [both panting] 631 00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:09,080 It's probably cooled off by now, though. 632 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,289 Oh, goddammit! 633 00:22:10,289 --> 00:22:12,417 Oh! 634 00:22:15,211 --> 00:22:17,588 This fucking goddamn night. 635 00:22:22,301 --> 00:22:25,221 [upbeat music] 636 00:22:25,221 --> 00:22:28,266 ♪ ♪ 637 00:22:28,266 --> 00:22:29,851 Maybe we can call a cab. 638 00:22:29,851 --> 00:22:32,770 I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets. 639 00:22:32,770 --> 00:22:35,606 We've got to find a payphone and call home. 640 00:22:35,606 --> 00:22:38,192 [phone rings] 641 00:22:38,192 --> 00:22:39,736 Hello? 642 00:22:39,736 --> 00:22:40,945 Will you accept a collect call from this-- 643 00:22:40,945 --> 00:22:42,864 No. 644 00:22:42,864 --> 00:22:45,074 Shit. 645 00:22:45,074 --> 00:22:46,284 Oh. 646 00:22:46,284 --> 00:22:49,579 All right, just let me think for a second. 647 00:22:49,579 --> 00:22:51,956 OK, look, we're not too far from campus. 648 00:22:51,956 --> 00:22:54,625 Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone? 649 00:22:54,625 --> 00:22:55,710 That pervert? 650 00:22:55,710 --> 00:22:57,211 - What? - Fuck no. 651 00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:58,463 Why not? I mean-- 652 00:22:58,463 --> 00:22:59,839 Because he's probably back there right now 653 00:22:59,839 --> 00:23:02,216 boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock. 654 00:23:02,216 --> 00:23:03,760 Well, you want to get home in time or not? 655 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,428 Blaire, I know you don't see it, OK, 656 00:23:05,428 --> 00:23:06,596 but I don't trust that guy. 657 00:23:06,596 --> 00:23:08,431 - Oh, my God. - I don't trust him. 658 00:23:08,431 --> 00:23:10,975 I think he's got one thing on his mind, filthy doings. 659 00:23:10,975 --> 00:23:14,187 OK, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever, 660 00:23:14,187 --> 00:23:15,605 but I'm an adult, OK? 661 00:23:15,605 --> 00:23:16,981 I can take care of myself. 662 00:23:16,981 --> 00:23:18,941 Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis? 663 00:23:18,941 --> 00:23:21,694 It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream. 664 00:23:21,694 --> 00:23:23,613 There's a sadness to it, almost like it 665 00:23:23,613 --> 00:23:25,114 remembers how it used to look. 666 00:23:25,114 --> 00:23:27,408 I mean, it looks like-- like it's trying to hide, 667 00:23:27,408 --> 00:23:28,618 but it's too tired. 668 00:23:28,618 --> 00:23:29,911 No, no. You know what it looks like? 669 00:23:29,911 --> 00:23:31,496 It looks like Bert Lahr when he took 670 00:23:31,496 --> 00:23:34,207 off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on. 671 00:23:34,207 --> 00:23:36,375 It's-- oh, shit. 672 00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:38,711 What was the last one you heard? 673 00:23:40,338 --> 00:23:43,466 Let's put on our costumes that we made last night. 674 00:23:43,466 --> 00:23:45,843 OK. 675 00:23:47,512 --> 00:23:50,640 [laughter] 676 00:23:53,768 --> 00:23:56,187 You like movies? 677 00:23:56,187 --> 00:23:57,647 Yeah. 678 00:23:57,647 --> 00:24:00,483 I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch. 679 00:24:00,483 --> 00:24:01,609 Rodeo deaths? 680 00:24:01,609 --> 00:24:02,985 Yeah. 681 00:24:02,985 --> 00:24:04,654 You know, there's something about real death. 682 00:24:04,654 --> 00:24:08,658 Just like-- it just turns you on, you know? 683 00:24:08,658 --> 00:24:10,827 Why is that for all of us? 684 00:24:10,827 --> 00:24:13,121 I-- I honestly can't answer that question. 685 00:24:13,121 --> 00:24:16,499 [laughs] I'm totally fucking with you. 686 00:24:16,499 --> 00:24:17,875 Oh. 687 00:24:17,875 --> 00:24:20,044 Seriously though, I do have the tape. 688 00:24:20,044 --> 00:24:22,964 We could take off our shirts, just watch it together. 689 00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:26,551 Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time. 690 00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:29,762 [laughs] I'm fucking with you again. 691 00:24:29,762 --> 00:24:31,514 Oh, my God. You were about to do it. 692 00:24:31,514 --> 00:24:33,558 - No, no, I wasn't. - You were. 693 00:24:33,558 --> 00:24:34,934 Your shirt's like, halfway off already. 694 00:24:34,934 --> 00:24:36,519 - No, it's fucking not. - Nah, it could be though. 695 00:24:36,519 --> 00:24:38,479 We could have it off if we wanted to. 696 00:24:38,479 --> 00:24:40,064 You know what's great? - What? 697 00:24:40,064 --> 00:24:41,774 - Crack. - Ah. 698 00:24:41,774 --> 00:24:42,900 You know how, like, someone's like, 699 00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:44,026 oh, I like chocolate cake. 700 00:24:44,026 --> 00:24:45,862 It's so good, it's like crack. 701 00:24:46,946 --> 00:24:48,698 This is actually crack. 702 00:24:48,698 --> 00:24:50,283 Gets a lot of bad press. 703 00:24:50,283 --> 00:24:52,827 Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack. 704 00:24:52,827 --> 00:24:55,204 Yeah, I'll pass on that. Thanks. 705 00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:56,497 Oh. 706 00:24:56,497 --> 00:24:58,499 Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there. 707 00:24:58,499 --> 00:24:59,500 Yeah, it's crack. 708 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:00,710 Uh, OK. 709 00:25:00,710 --> 00:25:02,003 I bet you have some idiosyncrasies 710 00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:03,546 I might find a little odd. 711 00:25:03,546 --> 00:25:07,216 I don't think crack, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy. 712 00:25:07,216 --> 00:25:08,718 Can I use your phone? 713 00:25:08,718 --> 00:25:10,344 Yeah, yeah, there's one right over there. 714 00:25:10,344 --> 00:25:12,055 Yeah, so I just want to sleep in tomorrow, 715 00:25:12,055 --> 00:25:14,807 so I'm just going to call in a bomb scare to my office. 716 00:25:16,809 --> 00:25:23,941 ♪ ♪ 717 00:25:24,734 --> 00:25:26,611 [doorbell rings] 718 00:25:29,781 --> 00:25:31,282 Well, look who's back. 719 00:25:31,282 --> 00:25:32,658 Us again. 720 00:25:32,658 --> 00:25:34,786 Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas? 721 00:25:34,786 --> 00:25:35,995 [chuckles drily] 722 00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:38,122 - Come on in. - Thank you. 723 00:25:41,459 --> 00:25:42,835 Phone's still busy. 724 00:25:42,835 --> 00:25:44,253 What the fuck is going on over there? 725 00:25:44,253 --> 00:25:46,589 Johnny's probably freaking out wondering where I am. 726 00:25:46,589 --> 00:25:48,758 Professor Damon, we're so sorry 727 00:25:48,758 --> 00:25:50,093 to inconvenience you like this. 728 00:25:50,093 --> 00:25:52,804 Not at all. I'm happy for the company. 729 00:25:52,804 --> 00:25:54,639 Say, as long as I've got you here, 730 00:25:54,639 --> 00:25:55,932 there's something I'd like to show you. 731 00:25:55,932 --> 00:25:57,225 Oh, God. Here it comes. 732 00:25:57,225 --> 00:25:58,976 Just stare at the balls. It'll be better that way. 733 00:25:58,976 --> 00:26:03,773 It's the opening chapter of my next book. 734 00:26:03,773 --> 00:26:06,442 Just finished it yesterday. 735 00:26:06,442 --> 00:26:08,152 Would you like to read it? 736 00:26:08,152 --> 00:26:10,613 Oh, my God. I'd be honored. 737 00:26:10,613 --> 00:26:11,781 Fabulous. 738 00:26:11,781 --> 00:26:13,408 Don't let the typos throw you. 739 00:26:13,408 --> 00:26:15,284 He's a dyslexic narrator. 740 00:26:15,284 --> 00:26:17,120 Ted, why don't you and I play some 741 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:20,998 billiards while I nervously await Blaire's verdict? 742 00:26:24,293 --> 00:26:25,753 [mouthing words] 743 00:26:31,592 --> 00:26:33,094 Welcome to my billiard room. 744 00:26:33,094 --> 00:26:35,513 All right, buddy, you and me got to have a little talk. 745 00:26:35,513 --> 00:26:36,764 I'd love to. 746 00:26:36,764 --> 00:26:38,641 How about I freshen your drink first? 747 00:26:38,641 --> 00:26:40,810 Fine. 748 00:27:11,382 --> 00:27:13,176 Whoops. 749 00:27:15,553 --> 00:27:17,388 Hello, Ted. 750 00:27:20,433 --> 00:27:25,855 Uh, what-- what's going on there, buddy? 751 00:27:25,855 --> 00:27:29,275 I want to make love to you. 752 00:27:29,275 --> 00:27:31,110 Oh. 753 00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:35,531 I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you 754 00:27:35,531 --> 00:27:37,950 have feelings for somebody. 755 00:27:41,454 --> 00:27:42,830 [soft music] 756 00:27:42,830 --> 00:27:44,957 I've been waiting all my life for someone like you. 757 00:27:44,957 --> 00:27:50,046 Your furry curves, your boundless whimsy. 758 00:27:50,046 --> 00:27:52,882 It-- it has bounds. 759 00:27:52,882 --> 00:27:54,509 I've been going crazy since you 760 00:27:54,509 --> 00:27:56,761 walked out my door tonight. 761 00:27:56,761 --> 00:28:00,223 I want us to have illicit congress together. 762 00:28:00,223 --> 00:28:03,393 You know, Blaire is really into you. 763 00:28:03,393 --> 00:28:05,228 I don't care. 764 00:28:05,228 --> 00:28:06,562 It's you I want. 765 00:28:06,562 --> 00:28:08,022 Yeah, I-- 766 00:28:08,022 --> 00:28:09,649 I don't date other bears. 767 00:28:09,649 --> 00:28:11,150 I don't have to be a bear. 768 00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:12,735 I could be a pony if you prefer, 769 00:28:12,735 --> 00:28:16,239 or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca. 770 00:28:16,239 --> 00:28:18,866 Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn't work out. 771 00:28:18,866 --> 00:28:20,535 I don't care what people would think. 772 00:28:20,535 --> 00:28:23,496 If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, 773 00:28:23,496 --> 00:28:25,081 I wouldn't be embarrassed. 774 00:28:25,081 --> 00:28:29,085 Yeah, that's not the holdup for me. 775 00:28:29,085 --> 00:28:31,087 I see. 776 00:28:31,087 --> 00:28:33,548 So your answer is no. 777 00:28:33,548 --> 00:28:36,467 Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathr-- 778 00:28:37,802 --> 00:28:39,470 Blaire. 779 00:28:40,555 --> 00:28:43,975 Any thoughts about the pages you read? 780 00:28:46,185 --> 00:28:48,604 Great. 781 00:28:48,604 --> 00:28:50,815 Uh, they-- they were great. 782 00:28:50,815 --> 00:28:52,692 And the homage to Tennyson? 783 00:28:52,692 --> 00:28:54,819 Did that play it all? 784 00:28:54,819 --> 00:28:58,072 Uh, fine. 785 00:29:01,117 --> 00:29:03,536 We'll let ourselves out. 786 00:29:07,331 --> 00:29:09,125 Hey. 787 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:12,670 You know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet. 788 00:29:12,670 --> 00:29:16,799 I have a reputation as a guy who doesn't do this. 789 00:29:16,799 --> 00:29:18,384 Sure, of course. 790 00:29:18,384 --> 00:29:21,054 On one condition, you make Blaire 791 00:29:21,054 --> 00:29:22,972 your research assistant. 792 00:29:22,972 --> 00:29:24,223 That's OK, Ted. 793 00:29:24,223 --> 00:29:25,475 No, no. No, no, Blaire, no. 794 00:29:25,475 --> 00:29:27,310 You're wicked smart. You work hard. 795 00:29:27,310 --> 00:29:29,020 You deserve it. - He's right, Blaire. 796 00:29:29,020 --> 00:29:30,480 You've got a great analytical mind. 797 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,732 I'm going to have to sleep on that. 798 00:29:32,732 --> 00:29:35,818 Oh, and one more thing, we're going to need your bike. 799 00:29:35,818 --> 00:29:38,780 [upbeat music] 800 00:29:38,780 --> 00:29:44,118 ♪ ♪ 801 00:29:46,621 --> 00:29:48,331 Oh. Hi, Johnny. 802 00:29:48,331 --> 00:29:51,167 You want to feel some spooky eyeballs? 803 00:29:54,712 --> 00:29:56,005 I'm just kidding. 804 00:29:56,005 --> 00:29:58,508 They're just peeled grapes. 805 00:29:58,508 --> 00:30:00,510 Oh, I'd never really hurt anyone, Johnny. 806 00:30:00,510 --> 00:30:02,637 Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore. 807 00:30:02,637 --> 00:30:03,888 What's the matter? 808 00:30:03,888 --> 00:30:06,182 Will, OK? He's-- he's a freak. 809 00:30:06,182 --> 00:30:08,017 He's crazy. Can't you get him to leave? 810 00:30:08,017 --> 00:30:10,186 Well, he's your friend, Johnny. 811 00:30:10,186 --> 00:30:12,522 If you want him to leave, you'll have to ask him. 812 00:30:12,522 --> 00:30:13,731 He's not my friend. 813 00:30:13,731 --> 00:30:16,234 You invited him over. Plus, he's like 40. 814 00:30:16,234 --> 00:30:19,070 Well, I'm 47, and we're friends. 815 00:30:19,070 --> 00:30:20,196 Yeah, you're my mom. 816 00:30:20,196 --> 00:30:22,365 Even when you were still in my guts 817 00:30:22,365 --> 00:30:25,993 you used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you just saying, 818 00:30:25,993 --> 00:30:30,331 hi, I can't wait to come out and be friends. 819 00:30:31,499 --> 00:30:34,335 Yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll do it. 820 00:30:36,462 --> 00:30:39,716 Yeah, yeah. 821 00:30:39,716 --> 00:30:41,884 Oh, my God. 822 00:30:41,884 --> 00:30:44,053 Oh, no, no, no. 823 00:30:44,053 --> 00:30:45,722 [laughs] All right. - Will? 824 00:30:45,722 --> 00:30:46,889 You in there? 825 00:30:46,889 --> 00:30:48,307 Yeah, come on in. 826 00:30:48,307 --> 00:30:51,018 Oh, I cannot believe we're taking 827 00:30:51,018 --> 00:30:52,520 a bath at the same time. 828 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,897 You know, it's like we're taking a bath together. 829 00:30:54,897 --> 00:30:57,358 [laughs] All right, I got to go. 830 00:30:57,358 --> 00:30:59,736 But I'll-- I'll talk to you later, Dad. 831 00:30:59,736 --> 00:31:00,903 I love you. 832 00:31:00,903 --> 00:31:02,739 I love-- ah. 833 00:31:02,739 --> 00:31:04,031 Didn't get him. 834 00:31:04,031 --> 00:31:05,658 What the fuck, dude? 835 00:31:05,658 --> 00:31:06,868 What the fuck what? 836 00:31:06,868 --> 00:31:08,578 Who just comes over to somebody's house 837 00:31:08,578 --> 00:31:09,704 and gets in their tub? 838 00:31:09,704 --> 00:31:11,581 Uh, I do. 839 00:31:11,581 --> 00:31:13,416 It's called making the most out of life. 840 00:31:13,416 --> 00:31:16,961 Some people wait for an invite to the party, I start it. 841 00:31:19,297 --> 00:31:22,300 I seize the moment, Johnny. 842 00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:25,636 You see, perfect example, you've been a drip all night. 843 00:31:25,636 --> 00:31:28,056 Guess what? I've had a killer evening. 844 00:31:28,056 --> 00:31:29,849 You've been all sad. Why? 845 00:31:29,849 --> 00:31:31,100 Because your teddy bear is gone? 846 00:31:31,100 --> 00:31:32,393 That's not how you do life. 847 00:31:32,393 --> 00:31:34,687 You got to grab every chance you can 848 00:31:34,687 --> 00:31:37,273 to make your own happiness. 849 00:31:37,273 --> 00:31:39,442 Why is the water black? 850 00:31:39,442 --> 00:31:42,945 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 851 00:31:42,945 --> 00:31:47,658 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it! 852 00:31:48,951 --> 00:31:50,787 All right. 853 00:31:50,787 --> 00:31:52,580 Now, I'm going to take a hike. 854 00:31:52,580 --> 00:31:56,084 Hey, you ever need me, 855 00:31:56,084 --> 00:31:58,836 you scratch my name into your arm. 856 00:31:58,836 --> 00:32:00,713 And you'll show up? 857 00:32:00,713 --> 00:32:01,964 I don't know. 858 00:32:01,964 --> 00:32:03,633 Never tried it. 859 00:32:16,896 --> 00:32:18,189 Hi, Matty. 860 00:32:18,189 --> 00:32:19,649 What do you want? 861 00:32:19,649 --> 00:32:22,235 Hey, listen, I felt really bad about Clementine 862 00:32:22,235 --> 00:32:23,528 giving you that bite. 863 00:32:23,528 --> 00:32:26,155 And I wanted to make it up to you. 864 00:32:27,156 --> 00:32:28,199 Eggs? 865 00:32:28,199 --> 00:32:29,409 Ostrich eggs. 866 00:32:29,409 --> 00:32:31,369 Each one is about 24 chicken eggs. 867 00:32:31,369 --> 00:32:33,121 What the hell am I supposed to do with these? 868 00:32:33,121 --> 00:32:34,747 I don't know 24 people. 869 00:32:34,747 --> 00:32:39,127 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 870 00:32:39,127 --> 00:32:44,048 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it. 871 00:32:44,048 --> 00:32:45,925 You know what's great? 872 00:32:45,925 --> 00:32:47,510 Crack. 873 00:32:47,510 --> 00:32:49,512 Hey, Dad. 874 00:32:49,512 --> 00:32:56,477 ♪ ♪ 875 00:32:58,646 --> 00:33:00,398 Hey, nice robot costume. 876 00:33:00,398 --> 00:33:03,317 Those the boxes your dad used to move out? 877 00:33:03,317 --> 00:33:05,111 Hey, who are you? The Dork Knight? 878 00:33:05,111 --> 00:33:06,863 I'm Batman! 879 00:33:06,863 --> 00:33:08,156 Ow! What the fuck? 880 00:33:08,156 --> 00:33:09,407 You asshole! 881 00:33:09,407 --> 00:33:11,200 Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be? 882 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:13,870 Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton. 883 00:33:13,870 --> 00:33:15,872 Oh, man, you're going to have enough trouble. 884 00:33:15,872 --> 00:33:17,498 Keep moving. 885 00:33:23,087 --> 00:33:24,380 Oh, hey, ET! 886 00:33:24,380 --> 00:33:26,424 Take this, you Reese's piece of shit. 887 00:33:29,052 --> 00:33:30,720 [chuckles] 888 00:33:32,930 --> 00:33:34,057 Oh, crap. 889 00:33:34,057 --> 00:33:36,142 What the fuck? 890 00:33:36,142 --> 00:33:37,560 Oh, my God. 891 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:39,312 Is this what we've been doing to people? 892 00:33:39,312 --> 00:33:41,064 We were wrong, Johnny. 893 00:33:41,064 --> 00:33:42,690 We were wrong! 894 00:33:44,609 --> 00:33:46,903 Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry I 895 00:33:46,903 --> 00:33:48,154 didn't get back in time. 896 00:33:48,154 --> 00:33:49,363 But you know what? 897 00:33:49,363 --> 00:33:50,656 I think it was for the best. 898 00:33:50,656 --> 00:33:51,908 Me too. 899 00:33:51,908 --> 00:33:53,409 I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could 900 00:33:53,409 --> 00:33:55,036 actually have fun on my own. 901 00:33:55,036 --> 00:33:56,829 That sounds healthy, like growth. 902 00:33:56,829 --> 00:33:58,831 Yeah, it felt like growth. 903 00:33:58,831 --> 00:34:00,041 You grew. 904 00:34:00,041 --> 00:34:01,250 You grew tonight. 905 00:34:01,250 --> 00:34:02,752 I really did. 906 00:34:02,752 --> 00:34:03,836 So how was your night? 907 00:34:03,836 --> 00:34:05,713 I was almost raped by a professor. 908 00:34:05,713 --> 00:34:07,423 But now I got a moped, so it's fine. 909 00:34:07,423 --> 00:34:08,841 Well, now that we know for sure 910 00:34:08,841 --> 00:34:11,677 that we can exist on our own, let's never do it again. 911 00:34:11,677 --> 00:34:13,429 Oh, fuck no. I was dying out there. 912 00:34:13,429 --> 00:34:14,972 - Do you want to get high? - Absolutely. 913 00:34:14,972 --> 00:34:17,725 Wait. No, not yet. 914 00:34:17,725 --> 00:34:20,395 There's one more thing I got to do tonight. 915 00:34:29,028 --> 00:34:30,613 [floor creaks] 916 00:34:40,206 --> 00:34:41,833 Help me. - Oh, my God! 917 00:34:41,833 --> 00:34:43,167 Jesus Christ! 918 00:34:43,167 --> 00:34:44,460 You scared the shit out of me. 919 00:34:44,460 --> 00:34:46,671 Got you, motherfucker. 920 00:34:46,671 --> 00:34:48,172 Oh, damn. 921 00:34:48,172 --> 00:34:50,842 [chuckles] You know, Blaire, there 922 00:34:50,842 --> 00:34:52,135 actually is something I-- 923 00:34:52,135 --> 00:34:54,262 I came here to tell you. 924 00:34:54,262 --> 00:34:55,972 OK. 925 00:34:55,972 --> 00:34:58,391 You know, me and Johnny always think you're like, 926 00:34:58,391 --> 00:35:02,019 this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun. 927 00:35:02,019 --> 00:35:04,272 You're kind of fucking fun. 928 00:35:04,272 --> 00:35:07,150 Well, I got to admit, I-- 929 00:35:07,150 --> 00:35:08,818 I kind of had fun too. 930 00:35:08,818 --> 00:35:11,320 I mean, the towing cost me $80, and I still 931 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,865 don't have a fucking car, but for what it's worth, 932 00:35:13,865 --> 00:35:16,993 I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, 933 00:35:16,993 --> 00:35:18,745 even if you were wrong. 934 00:35:18,745 --> 00:35:21,247 Oh, by the way, I got something for you. 935 00:35:23,666 --> 00:35:25,334 This is for you. 936 00:35:26,210 --> 00:35:27,754 A McDonald's apple pie? 937 00:35:27,754 --> 00:35:28,796 Yeah, yeah. 938 00:35:28,796 --> 00:35:31,007 I was saving it, but it's all yours. 939 00:35:31,007 --> 00:35:32,508 I've had it in the freezer for two months, 940 00:35:32,508 --> 00:35:35,678 so it's probably cooled off by now. 941 00:35:35,678 --> 00:35:36,846 - Oh, my God. - Oh, shit, oh, shit. 942 00:35:36,846 --> 00:35:38,014 Get a towel. Get something to cover it. 943 00:35:38,014 --> 00:35:39,348 - Get a wet towel. - I am. 944 00:35:39,348 --> 00:35:40,391 Oh, my God, We're gonna lose the fucking house! 945 00:35:40,391 --> 00:35:41,559 We're all going to die! 946 00:35:45,104 --> 00:35:46,355 Can I help you? 947 00:35:46,355 --> 00:35:48,066 Hey, I'm Carol's son. 948 00:35:48,066 --> 00:35:49,400 I just got home from a party. 949 00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:50,526 My mom told me to come here and hang out 950 00:35:50,526 --> 00:35:52,111 with somebody named John. 951 00:35:52,111 --> 00:35:53,905 Wait, you're Carol's son? 952 00:35:55,490 --> 00:35:59,160 ♪ ♪ 953 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,080 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 954 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:06,125 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful ♪ 955 00:36:06,125 --> 00:36:10,880 ♪ And yet alas, that someone adores you ♪ 956 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:14,967 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 957 00:36:14,967 --> 00:36:17,387 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 958 00:36:17,387 --> 00:36:20,723 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 959 00:36:20,723 --> 00:36:23,976 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 960 00:36:23,976 --> 00:36:30,024 ♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪ 961 00:36:30,024 --> 00:36:33,111 ♪ Best friend is me ♪ 962 00:36:33,111 --> 00:36:40,284 ♪ ♪