1
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:16,392
{\an8}- * My words are lazy,
my thoughts are hazy ♪
2
00:00:16,392 --> 00:00:19,520
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
3
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:23,232
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
4
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:26,152
{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
5
00:00:27,779 --> 00:00:31,741
{\an8}- * Night and party
every day ♪
6
00:00:31,741 --> 00:00:36,079
{\an8}♪ I wanna rock and roll
all night ♪
7
00:00:38,164 --> 00:00:39,874
{\an8}Thanks, buddy.
8
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:42,919
{\an8}You know, I used to think
the words to this song were,
9
00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:46,756
{\an8}"I want to rock and roll all
night and part of every day."
10
00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,800
{\an8}Like--like, they're only
going to rock and roll
11
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,178
{\an8}for, like, a portion of the day
and also take time out
12
00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:54,055
{\an8}for things like meals
and, you know,
13
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:55,723
{\an8}time with family and children.
14
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,600
{\an8}There's a lot going on
with this song, man.
15
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,103
{\an8}This is a rock and roll
song about wanting
16
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:02,855
{\an8}to enjoy a rock and roll song.
17
00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,108
{\an8}Does that actually make it
a rock and roll song?
18
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:06,526
{\an8}You know what,
I'll do you one better.
19
00:01:06,526 --> 00:01:08,111
{\an8}Ready to get mind fucked?
- Give it to me.
20
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:13,032
{\an8}The song the "Monster Mash"
is a song about a dance called
21
00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:14,951
{\an8}the Monster Mash,
which is based
22
00:01:14,951 --> 00:01:18,913
{\an8}on a song called the
"Monster Mash," which is not
23
00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:21,290
{\an8}the song the "Monster Mash."
24
00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:24,293
{\an8}- Holy shit.
- Yeah.
25
00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,962
{\an8}I don't want
to be high anymore.
26
00:01:25,962 --> 00:01:29,507
{\an8}Well, kids make all kinds
of messes, don't they?
27
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:32,301
{\an8}One time when he was eight,
John stole
28
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:34,220
{\an8}a hot dog from the store.
29
00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:35,555
{\an8}He put it in his pocket.
30
00:01:35,555 --> 00:01:38,141
{\an8}And it went through the wash.
31
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:39,517
No.
32
00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,811
It came out in one piece.
33
00:01:41,811 --> 00:01:43,730
Isn't that amazing?
34
00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:47,358
Oh, God was smiling
on us that day.
35
00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,113
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
36
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,656
Susan!
37
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,199
Holy shit.
38
00:01:55,199 --> 00:01:56,701
Did we die?
39
00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,619
Yeah, I think--
40
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,163
I think we died.
41
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,081
I'm sorry, Matty.
42
00:02:02,081 --> 00:02:03,458
I plugged in the eggbeater.
43
00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:05,043
Why are you
using the eggbeater
44
00:02:05,043 --> 00:02:06,210
when I'm watching
"Star Search"?
45
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:07,837
I was making us brownies.
46
00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:09,881
Now I'm not going to know who
the new stars are going to be.
47
00:02:09,881 --> 00:02:11,340
Well, I don't
have to finish them.
48
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:12,884
I'll just throw the batter out.
49
00:02:12,884 --> 00:02:15,053
Well, if you
already started them,
50
00:02:15,053 --> 00:02:16,721
you might as well finish them.
51
00:02:16,721 --> 00:02:19,015
OK.
52
00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,142
I gotta go reset the breaker.
53
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,019
Out of my way, Johnny.
54
00:02:23,019 --> 00:02:24,437
Oh, my God.
55
00:02:24,437 --> 00:02:26,898
They can see us.
We must still be alive.
56
00:02:26,898 --> 00:02:29,108
Oh, wow, a second chance.
57
00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:31,652
OK, this time, you be the cute
one, and I'll be the hot one.
58
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,237
OK.
59
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:53,508
Breaker is busted.
60
00:02:53,508 --> 00:02:54,842
Oh, man.
Really?
61
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,135
Matty, is it all right?
62
00:02:56,135 --> 00:02:57,595
Oh, breaker is shot to hell.
63
00:02:57,595 --> 00:02:58,846
I'll have to call
the guy in the morning.
64
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,057
So we don't have power
till tomorrow?
65
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:02,308
Yes, Susan.
66
00:03:02,308 --> 00:03:03,935
That's what a busted
breaker means.
67
00:03:03,935 --> 00:03:06,479
Well, this isn't so bad.
68
00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:10,191
We could light some candles,
play some games,
69
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:13,319
maybe read aloud to each other
from our favorite books.
70
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:15,405
Or we could take
a Sharpie and circle
71
00:03:15,405 --> 00:03:16,989
the parts on each
other's bodies
72
00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,533
we think need improvement.
73
00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:19,575
That sounds more fun.
74
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:21,077
Shut up, you guys.
75
00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:22,453
Sus, yes.
76
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:23,704
That sounds like a great idea.
77
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,748
Let's go find the games.
- OK.
78
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:29,252
Be careful, Blaire.
79
00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:31,254
There's a gun down
here somewhere.
80
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,089
But I don't remember
where it is.
81
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:34,966
That's comforting.
82
00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:36,426
Let's see now.
83
00:03:36,426 --> 00:03:41,180
I think there's a Trivial
Pursuit in one of these boxes.
84
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:42,890
Why is the floor wet?
85
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,685
I know, we're supposed
to get that fixed.
86
00:03:45,685 --> 00:03:47,895
But I like to come down
here during the summer
87
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,814
and cool my feet.
88
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:55,069
Oh, my gosh.
89
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:57,613
Oh, sweetie.
90
00:04:02,702 --> 00:04:05,455
- Hey, all right.
- Hey, there we go.
91
00:04:05,455 --> 00:04:07,957
Box was working just fine.
92
00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:09,625
Well, it wasn't
when I was down there.
93
00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,961
I don't know what to tell you.
- It's OK, honey.
94
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,797
We know you were
scared of the spider.
95
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,340
What the fuck
are you talking about?
96
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,301
There was
a spider on the box.
97
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,636
He's always been
scared of the spiders.
98
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,472
Wait, you were just going
to fucking let us sit here
99
00:04:22,472 --> 00:04:24,307
and read aloud from books?
100
00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:25,850
Screw all of you.
101
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,518
Matty, why?
102
00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,771
I'm not scared
of the goddamn spider, Susan.
103
00:04:29,771 --> 00:04:31,647
The breaker wasn't working.
104
00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:33,066
I'm going down to Trammell's.
105
00:04:33,066 --> 00:04:36,652
And he pulls the fucking
ripcord, just like always.
106
00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,529
What the hell is
that supposed to mean?
107
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,490
Any time you're losing
an argument, you leave.
108
00:04:40,490 --> 00:04:41,657
You just walk out the door.
109
00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,534
Matty, honey.
You can't leave.
110
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,369
You haven't made
stool yet today.
111
00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:46,871
Jesus Christ, Susan.
112
00:04:46,871 --> 00:04:49,082
Well, the doctor says if
it's been more than two days,
113
00:04:49,082 --> 00:04:50,249
you need to call him.
114
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:52,502
I did it yesterday.
It was a good one.
115
00:04:52,502 --> 00:04:54,962
Like a mother hen
crowing over her egg.
116
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,422
You all watch this.
117
00:04:56,422 --> 00:04:59,008
When he comes back, everyone's
going to apologize to him
118
00:04:59,008 --> 00:05:00,760
because he's manipulating
the circumstances to make it
119
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,470
seem like he's the victim.
120
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:03,971
I'm sorry.
121
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,223
I shouldn't have told them
about the spiders.
122
00:05:05,223 --> 00:05:06,474
- No, see?
- I'm so sorry.
123
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,642
This is what
I'm talking about, OK?
124
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,018
He's the one acting
like a whining baby.
125
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,436
He should be
apologizing to you.
126
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:12,271
I shouldn't have
embarrassed him, OK?
127
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:14,524
I think it's cute that
you're scared of the spider.
128
00:05:14,524 --> 00:05:16,317
I'm not scared of spiders!
129
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:17,860
God, this is so fucked.
130
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:20,238
This is just classic
dysfunctional, fucked up,
131
00:05:20,238 --> 00:05:21,406
white trash marriage.
132
00:05:21,406 --> 00:05:23,366
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
133
00:05:23,366 --> 00:05:24,700
What do you mean, what?
134
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:25,952
Your wife is trying
to engage with you.
135
00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:27,620
And you're dismissing
her like an asshole.
136
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,414
And you do it all the time.
137
00:05:29,414 --> 00:05:31,290
Susan, am I an asshole?
138
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:33,209
Oh, of course not, Matty.
139
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:34,210
You're a veteran.
140
00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,628
See?
141
00:05:35,628 --> 00:05:37,338
You think they'd send
an asshole to Vietnam?
142
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:39,716
Weren't you
dishonorably discharged?
143
00:05:39,716 --> 00:05:42,635
No, I wasn't
dishonorably discharged
144
00:05:42,635 --> 00:05:44,345
or honorably discharged.
145
00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:45,805
How the hell does that work?
146
00:05:45,805 --> 00:05:47,265
Just exactly
like I just said.
147
00:05:47,265 --> 00:05:49,392
So the army basically
said, it's not you.
148
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:50,727
It's us.
- That's right.
149
00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:52,186
We're not sure we're ready
to have anybody
150
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,146
in the army right now.
151
00:05:53,146 --> 00:05:54,605
More or less.
152
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:56,232
The army just wants to focus
on the army for a while.
153
00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,734
See? He gets it.
154
00:05:57,734 --> 00:06:00,027
Aunt Sus, he is so fucking
disrespectful to you.
155
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,696
And you never stick up
for yourself.
156
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:03,948
I swear to God, you guys
need marriage counseling.
157
00:06:03,948 --> 00:06:05,324
Oh, fuck that.
158
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,577
What's the matter?
Are you scared of therapy too?
159
00:06:07,577 --> 00:06:09,912
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, it's on, fuckers.
160
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:12,582
I'm not going to pay some
shrink 80 bucks to sit there
161
00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:14,459
and show me inkblots
that all look like priests
162
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:16,127
with their dicks out.
163
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:20,089
Well, I think
that's already progress.
164
00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,257
Huh?
165
00:06:21,257 --> 00:06:22,884
Look, I have a proposal.
166
00:06:22,884 --> 00:06:24,469
I've saved up a little money
167
00:06:24,469 --> 00:06:26,220
working extra shifts
at the coffee shop.
168
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,681
As my Christmas gift
to you and Susan this year,
169
00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:30,850
I will pay for one marriage
counseling session.
170
00:06:30,850 --> 00:06:32,310
All you got to do is show up.
171
00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:35,104
Oh, Matty, can we?
172
00:06:35,104 --> 00:06:37,315
Jesus, Susan.
173
00:06:37,315 --> 00:06:38,816
What will we even talk about?
174
00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:41,944
Oh, we can talk about how
much we love each other.
175
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:45,406
OK.
You know what?
176
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:46,866
Fine.
177
00:06:46,866 --> 00:06:48,785
We'll go, just to show you
that you're full of shit,
178
00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:50,828
and Susan and I have
a great marriage.
179
00:06:50,828 --> 00:06:52,830
In fact, you know what,
let's go right now.
180
00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,124
It's not open at 9:00 p.m.
181
00:06:55,124 --> 00:06:57,126
Oh.
182
00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:59,670
And the bullshit begins.
183
00:07:09,222 --> 00:07:11,724
Now, of course,
the most well-known singularity
184
00:07:11,724 --> 00:07:14,477
in Frost poem
is the repetition of,
185
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,020
"And miles to go
before I sleep,"
186
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:18,815
which refers not
to literal sleep but to death
187
00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:20,441
and the overwhelming--
188
00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:24,278
Is there something
you'd like to share
189
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,780
with the class, Miss Lyons?
190
00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:28,991
We were just wondering
if your pants are big enough.
191
00:07:30,326 --> 00:07:31,744
Excuse me?
192
00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:33,496
It just seems like
there's a little fashion
193
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,081
emergency going on.
194
00:07:35,081 --> 00:07:37,959
Did you get your pants
from the lost and found?
195
00:07:40,753 --> 00:07:43,589
Yeah, these pants
are a little big.
196
00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,675
They were my dad's.
197
00:07:45,675 --> 00:07:48,344
Why am I wearing my dead
father's pants, you ask?
198
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:51,180
Because I've moved
back in with my mother.
199
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:54,600
My wife left me two weeks ago
for a racquetball teacher.
200
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,602
Happy now?
- God, chill out.
201
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:57,937
It was a joke.
202
00:07:57,937 --> 00:08:00,148
I'd love to chill out, Erin.
203
00:08:00,148 --> 00:08:01,691
I really would.
204
00:08:01,691 --> 00:08:03,985
But you know what,
life has other plans for me.
205
00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:06,988
My wife says
he makes eye contact
206
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:08,364
with her when they make love.
207
00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:12,326
With me, it's either
eye contact or an erection.
208
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,953
You have to choose one.
209
00:08:13,953 --> 00:08:17,832
And silly me, I thought the
right choice was the erection.
210
00:08:17,832 --> 00:08:20,460
Well, I had a 50/50 shot,
didn't I?
211
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:23,337
Turns out
she wants eye contact.
212
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,007
And now that I've moved
back in with Mother,
213
00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:29,552
I have to masturbate into the
toilet because my bed squeaks.
214
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,387
Of course,
if you ask my ex-wife,
215
00:08:31,387 --> 00:08:35,349
the toilet is where
Mr. George's sperm belongs.
216
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,560
Now there's a joke, Erin.
217
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,812
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
218
00:08:39,812 --> 00:08:45,193
Mr. George, can we
have a talk in my office?
219
00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:50,865
Gee, I wonder
what this is about.
220
00:08:52,784 --> 00:08:55,703
Everyone, please
read pages 81 to 96.
221
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,997
I'm kidding.
I don't give a shit.
222
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:02,502
I think that's enough
emotional trauma for the day.
223
00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,462
Why don't you kids
go home early?
224
00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:08,925
Man, that was insane, huh?
225
00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:10,843
Yeah.
Those cheerleaders are mean.
226
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:13,679
That's--that's
what you got from that?
227
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,098
Well, at least
we got the afternoon off.
228
00:09:15,098 --> 00:09:17,100
- Street hockey?
- Street hockey.
229
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:17,975
Fuck yeah.
230
00:09:17,975 --> 00:09:19,352
{\an8}All right, this is it, baby.
231
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,354
{\an8}You're going down.
- Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr.
232
00:09:21,354 --> 00:09:23,523
Take your best shot.
233
00:09:23,523 --> 00:09:25,066
Oh!
234
00:09:25,066 --> 00:09:27,402
And Bennett chokes in
the final seconds of the game.
235
00:09:27,402 --> 00:09:29,278
This is an absolute disgrace.
236
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:30,405
Ah, shit.
237
00:09:30,405 --> 00:09:31,948
Look at the disappointed
faces on all
238
00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:34,200
these Make-A-Wish kids
who only wanted
239
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,576
to see a Bruins victory.
240
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:36,786
Teddy--
241
00:09:36,786 --> 00:09:38,246
This is a stunning
upset fueling
242
00:09:38,246 --> 00:09:40,623
an anger the fans will no
doubt take out on their wives.
243
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,625
And I got to say, Don--
- Shut the fuck up, all right?
244
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:45,545
I got to ask you something.
- What?
245
00:09:45,545 --> 00:09:47,755
Do you think Blaire is right?
246
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,966
Like, do my parents have
a fucked up marriage?
247
00:09:49,966 --> 00:09:52,510
Well, that's one of those
tough to answer questions,
248
00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:55,930
Johnny, like where did you find
Teddy bear sized hockey gear?
249
00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:57,181
I just don't know.
250
00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:58,975
And if they
are having problems,
251
00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:00,601
is any of it my fault?
252
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,853
I mean, what can I do?
253
00:10:01,853 --> 00:10:03,312
Well, I'm just brainstorming.
254
00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:05,356
But it seems like,
maybe, hurting yourself
255
00:10:05,356 --> 00:10:06,482
could teach him a lesson.
256
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,317
Gee, I never thought of that.
257
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,819
Then I'd be
in charge of the pain.
258
00:10:09,819 --> 00:10:11,988
- Exactly.
- Only I know what I deserve.
259
00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:13,823
And I'd give myself
just that much.
260
00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,408
Yeah, you know,
I'm just now starting
261
00:10:15,408 --> 00:10:16,784
to see some cracks in this.
262
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,837
Hey, how'd it go?
263
00:10:32,175 --> 00:10:34,177
I paid 80 bucks
for that session,
264
00:10:34,177 --> 00:10:35,762
and you just
fucking walked out?
265
00:10:35,762 --> 00:10:37,805
That quack had it in
for me the second I
266
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,140
walked in that door.
267
00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:40,558
You know what he said?
You know what he said?
268
00:10:40,558 --> 00:10:41,684
He said I'm selfish.
269
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:42,935
Oh, shocker.
270
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:44,353
Yeah, he said,
I need to compromise more.
271
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:46,105
Can you believe
that fucking shit?
272
00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:49,400
I'm working a 60-hour week just
to keep a roof over our heads.
273
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,277
He does work a lot.
274
00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:52,945
See? Even she gets it.
275
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:55,198
Everything I do,
I do it for you.
276
00:10:55,198 --> 00:10:57,158
Wait, so you're saying,
you can't tell me
277
00:10:57,158 --> 00:10:58,993
it's not worth trying for.
278
00:10:58,993 --> 00:11:00,870
- Exactly.
- Like, I can't help it.
279
00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:03,039
There's nothing I want more.
- See?
280
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,332
You know it's true.
281
00:11:04,332 --> 00:11:05,416
Oh, my God.
282
00:11:05,416 --> 00:11:06,709
Shit, I can't
believe he said it.
283
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:07,752
Oh, fucking amazing.
284
00:11:07,752 --> 00:11:08,920
What?
285
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,254
It's Bryan Adams.
286
00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:12,131
Oh, what a treat.
What a treat.
287
00:11:12,131 --> 00:11:14,092
Matty,
the whole point of this was
288
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:16,386
for you to get a neutral
perspective on your marriage.
289
00:11:16,386 --> 00:11:17,804
He was not neutral.
290
00:11:17,804 --> 00:11:19,055
He agreed
with everything she said.
291
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:20,515
And he took a shit
on everything I said.
292
00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,100
So let me get this straight.
293
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,227
So no one's neutral unless they
agree with you all the time.
294
00:11:24,227 --> 00:11:25,269
Got it.
295
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:26,896
The guy's
a Harvard fancy pants.
296
00:11:26,896 --> 00:11:29,315
He doesn't understand
regular guys.
297
00:11:29,315 --> 00:11:31,484
The bartender down
at Trammell's always
298
00:11:31,484 --> 00:11:32,777
thinks I'm right.
299
00:11:32,777 --> 00:11:34,570
In fact, he just said
to me last night,
300
00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:36,823
"You've made your point.
You can go home now."
301
00:11:36,823 --> 00:11:39,075
OK. So let's figure this out.
302
00:11:39,075 --> 00:11:42,370
If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral,
then who would be?
303
00:11:42,370 --> 00:11:44,914
Who would you accept
as a neutral arbiter?
304
00:11:44,914 --> 00:11:47,250
Someone with no
fucking agenda.
305
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:51,421
Like Ted.
306
00:11:51,421 --> 00:11:52,755
Ted?
307
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,299
Yeah, he's an even guy,
minds his own business.
308
00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:56,801
He's neutral.
309
00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:59,595
That's an interesting idea.
310
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:01,764
So you'd accept Ted
as a neutral arbiter?
311
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,015
Absolutely.
312
00:12:03,015 --> 00:12:05,518
Fuck it.
What do you say, Ted?
313
00:12:05,518 --> 00:12:06,894
About what?
314
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,646
Sorry.
I was doing these Mad Libs.
315
00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:12,775
Four score and seven cocks ago.
316
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:14,110
That's better
than the real one.
317
00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:15,611
Focus.
318
00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:17,947
Would you be willing to listen
to Susan and Matty's sides
319
00:12:17,947 --> 00:12:19,866
and then make
an objective judgment call?
320
00:12:19,866 --> 00:12:21,951
What do you mean,
like a--like a therapist?
321
00:12:21,951 --> 00:12:24,912
Not therapy, just listening.
322
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,164
Oh, Blaire.
323
00:12:26,164 --> 00:12:28,541
It's all right
if he doesn't want to.
324
00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:30,084
I can just watch "Oprah."
325
00:12:30,084 --> 00:12:32,837
And maybe they'll have
a topic that applies to me.
326
00:12:35,506 --> 00:12:36,632
Will you do it?
327
00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:39,343
Well, in the words
of Abraham Lincoln,
328
00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:43,139
a diarrhea divided against
itself cannot John's wiener.
329
00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:44,891
Oh, come on, man.
Don't put that.
330
00:12:44,891 --> 00:12:46,934
OK. I'll erase it.
331
00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:52,815
You know,
the suit wasn't necessary.
332
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:53,983
Blaire, please.
333
00:12:53,983 --> 00:12:55,485
Johnny is my best friend.
334
00:12:55,485 --> 00:12:56,944
He's got a stake in this.
335
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,154
So if I'm doing it,
I'm doing it right.
336
00:12:58,154 --> 00:13:00,740
Now let's start
with the basics.
337
00:13:00,740 --> 00:13:02,533
Would you classify
your marriage
338
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,243
as sexually satisfying?
339
00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:05,536
What?
340
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:07,413
How often would you say
you have intercourse?
341
00:13:07,413 --> 00:13:08,915
That's none
of your goddamn business.
342
00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:10,541
Look,
why don't we just stick--
343
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:14,712
- Every six months.
- Every six months.
344
00:13:14,712 --> 00:13:15,880
And what about anal?
345
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,340
- Dude, seriously.
- Jesus Christ.
346
00:13:17,340 --> 00:13:19,384
We do like
the room to be clean.
347
00:13:19,384 --> 00:13:20,760
Yeah.
348
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,261
She said, yes.
349
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:23,429
Hilarious.
350
00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:25,431
OK, now I want you
to turn to each other
351
00:13:25,431 --> 00:13:27,642
and say the meanest thing
you can think of.
352
00:13:27,642 --> 00:13:30,019
Ted, why don't you
ask them something
353
00:13:30,019 --> 00:13:33,189
productive like how they met,
354
00:13:33,189 --> 00:13:35,650
what originally drew them
to each other?
355
00:13:35,650 --> 00:13:37,360
All right.
356
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,571
Matty, what originally
attracted you to Susan?
357
00:13:43,741 --> 00:13:45,993
Her innocence.
358
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,538
Oh, OK.
359
00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:49,580
What?
360
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:51,541
I thought--
361
00:13:51,541 --> 00:13:53,876
I already wrote it's--
362
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:54,961
it's fine.
363
00:13:54,961 --> 00:13:56,713
Susan.
364
00:13:56,713 --> 00:13:59,382
His heart.
365
00:13:59,382 --> 00:14:02,427
When Matty and I first met,
366
00:14:02,427 --> 00:14:05,888
he bought us tickets
to see Simon & Garfunkel.
367
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:07,473
It was a Friday.
368
00:14:07,473 --> 00:14:09,892
And he'd been working
since 6:00 a.m.
369
00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,936
Poor Matty was so tired.
370
00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:14,021
Well, if there's
any cure for being tired,
371
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,231
it's Simon & Garfunkel.
372
00:14:15,231 --> 00:14:17,400
We'd never seen
them up close.
373
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,194
So when we got there,
Matty realized
374
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,196
that Garfunkel was a man.
375
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:24,615
So we had to leave.
- Wait, why?
376
00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:26,951
Two men shouldn't
be singing harmony.
377
00:14:26,951 --> 00:14:28,786
Dad, I thought you
liked Hall & Oates?
378
00:14:28,786 --> 00:14:30,413
- That's different.
- Why?
379
00:14:30,413 --> 00:14:31,831
Because they sing in unison.
380
00:14:31,831 --> 00:14:33,833
Or they take turns,
one and then the other one.
381
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:35,043
That's OK.
382
00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:36,919
What about
Crosby, Stills & Nash?
383
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,254
They're all right for now.
384
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,590
But I'm keeping my eye on them.
385
00:14:40,590 --> 00:14:42,258
You're a complicated man.
386
00:14:42,258 --> 00:14:44,385
I'm still waiting
for the heart part.
387
00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:46,888
Well, we got in the car.
388
00:14:46,888 --> 00:14:50,141
And Matty drove home,
and he got his record player.
389
00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:52,268
And he took me
to Boston Common.
390
00:14:52,268 --> 00:14:55,229
And we had a picnic
on the lawn while we
391
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:57,190
listened to Sonny & Cher.
392
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:59,442
And he bought me a rose.
393
00:14:59,442 --> 00:15:03,237
And he danced with me
right there on the grass.
394
00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:05,156
You remember that?
- Of course I do.
395
00:15:05,156 --> 00:15:07,992
Matty, you did that?
396
00:15:07,992 --> 00:15:09,035
Yeah.
397
00:15:09,035 --> 00:15:10,703
It was beautiful.
398
00:15:10,703 --> 00:15:13,122
She was this wicked
smart college girl.
399
00:15:13,122 --> 00:15:15,792
And I wanted to impress her.
400
00:15:15,792 --> 00:15:17,543
See? I'm a good guy.
401
00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,253
That prick fuck
shrink was way off.
402
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:20,630
So fuck everybody.
403
00:15:20,630 --> 00:15:22,298
Mom, I didn't know
you went to college.
404
00:15:22,298 --> 00:15:23,925
Yeah, me neither.
405
00:15:23,925 --> 00:15:25,093
What did you study?
406
00:15:25,093 --> 00:15:27,970
Well, I was going to teach.
407
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,806
You were going
to be a teacher?
408
00:15:29,806 --> 00:15:31,307
Susan, that's amazing.
409
00:15:31,307 --> 00:15:32,725
I'd gotten my credentials.
410
00:15:32,725 --> 00:15:35,895
And I was all ready
to apply for a job.
411
00:15:35,895 --> 00:15:38,689
And then I got married.
412
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,608
Why couldn't you do both?
413
00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:43,069
Well, it just
didn't seem practical
414
00:15:43,069 --> 00:15:46,572
with the groceries
and the laundry.
415
00:15:46,572 --> 00:15:48,157
Well, I mean, have you ever
thought of going back to it?
416
00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:49,826
I think you'd be great.
417
00:15:49,826 --> 00:15:51,619
Oh, no, no.
418
00:15:51,619 --> 00:15:54,080
That was a long time ago.
No, I couldn't.
419
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,666
Susan, I really think
you could do this.
420
00:15:56,666 --> 00:15:58,710
Jesus!
She said she's not interested.
421
00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:00,420
Should I make
some chocolate milk?
422
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:01,462
Oh, yeah.
Chocolate milk.
423
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:03,339
- Chocolate milk.
- No, Susan.
424
00:16:03,339 --> 00:16:04,841
For God's sake.
- Therapy over.
425
00:16:04,841 --> 00:16:05,925
We're doing chocolate milk now.
426
00:16:05,925 --> 00:16:07,468
Guys, come on.
427
00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:09,512
This woman does everything
for all of us in this house.
428
00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,472
And nobody ever does
a goddamn thing for her.
429
00:16:11,472 --> 00:16:13,057
And now she's
sitting here telling us
430
00:16:13,057 --> 00:16:14,267
something that's important.
431
00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:15,727
That's horse shit.
I do a ton of stuff.
432
00:16:15,727 --> 00:16:17,019
You?
433
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,396
What do you do for Susan?
434
00:16:18,396 --> 00:16:21,065
I pay for everything
she owns and eats.
435
00:16:21,065 --> 00:16:22,608
OK, how about we all
just sit with what
436
00:16:22,608 --> 00:16:25,111
Matty just said, while Susan
gets on that chocolate milk?
437
00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:27,363
I'll get that for you.
438
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:30,950
Well, I think
I just proved my point
439
00:16:30,950 --> 00:16:32,744
that this marriage is perfect.
440
00:16:34,746 --> 00:16:37,039
Yeesh, I couldn't say
this in front of them.
441
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,041
But they were both
clearly molested.
442
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,002
Guys, believe it or not,
443
00:16:41,002 --> 00:16:42,670
I think we did great.
444
00:16:42,670 --> 00:16:44,255
- Really?
- Yeah.
445
00:16:44,255 --> 00:16:47,675
We just found out Susan has no
identity outside this family.
446
00:16:47,675 --> 00:16:49,719
I mean, she's a wife.
She's a mother.
447
00:16:49,719 --> 00:16:50,970
But that's it.
448
00:16:50,970 --> 00:16:52,555
She could be so much more.
449
00:16:52,555 --> 00:16:54,891
And it's so obvious that
deep down, she wants to be.
450
00:16:54,891 --> 00:16:57,560
You got all that from her
saying she does anal?
451
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,437
Man, you should be
the pretend therapist.
452
00:16:59,437 --> 00:17:00,855
I mean, I hear you, Blaire.
453
00:17:00,855 --> 00:17:03,149
But what are we supposed to do?
454
00:17:03,149 --> 00:17:04,609
I don't know yet.
455
00:17:04,609 --> 00:17:07,361
But somehow, we got
to help her find her voice.
456
00:17:07,361 --> 00:17:08,905
I mean, we're the only
ones that can do it.
457
00:17:08,905 --> 00:17:10,239
Couldn't agree more, Blaire.
458
00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:12,784
Delusional narcissist.
459
00:17:12,784 --> 00:17:14,285
Excuse me?
460
00:17:14,285 --> 00:17:17,371
Note to self,
stop saying what you write.
461
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:34,597
God, look at her.
462
00:17:34,597 --> 00:17:36,391
She's so fucking hot.
- Yeah.
463
00:17:36,391 --> 00:17:37,725
Too bad she's a bitch.
464
00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:39,310
I don't even care.
465
00:17:39,310 --> 00:17:41,187
She could treat me like crap.
I'd still let her jerk me off.
466
00:17:41,187 --> 00:17:42,772
Oh, you should
tell her, Johnny.
467
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:44,607
I'm sure she'd love to hear it.
- All right, fuck you, man.
468
00:17:44,607 --> 00:17:46,859
No, really,
what a feather in her cap.
469
00:17:46,859 --> 00:17:48,778
Hey, I'm just saying,
hypothetically, if she asked,
470
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:50,154
I would say yes.
471
00:17:50,154 --> 00:17:51,614
That's what she's telling
her friend right now.
472
00:17:51,614 --> 00:17:54,200
She's saying, see that kid
over there in Lee jeans?
473
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,411
I want to bring him to climax.
474
00:17:56,411 --> 00:17:58,121
But will he let me?
475
00:17:58,121 --> 00:17:59,414
Hey, guys.
476
00:17:59,414 --> 00:18:01,541
Oh, hey, Andrew.
Hey, Polly.
477
00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,667
Did you hear what
happened to Mr. George?
478
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,836
- No, what?
- He got fired.
479
00:18:04,836 --> 00:18:06,379
No shit. Why?
480
00:18:06,379 --> 00:18:07,880
They caught him
in the faculty lounge
481
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:09,298
screaming at his own dick.
482
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:10,967
Oh, that's what that was.
483
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:13,302
Yeah, I heard yelling coming
out of there yesterday.
484
00:18:13,302 --> 00:18:15,346
You're not going
to let me fuck?
485
00:18:15,346 --> 00:18:18,474
I'm not going to let you pee!
486
00:18:18,474 --> 00:18:20,852
Well, do they have
someone to replace him?
487
00:18:20,852 --> 00:18:21,978
I don't know.
488
00:18:21,978 --> 00:18:24,147
I think they're
trying to find a sub.
489
00:18:24,147 --> 00:18:25,940
- Teddy.
- What?
490
00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:28,401
- They're looking for a sub.
- Yeah, so?
491
00:18:28,401 --> 00:18:29,986
So what about Mom?
492
00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:31,195
Susan?
493
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:33,281
Yeah. Why not?
494
00:18:33,281 --> 00:18:34,490
I mean, you remember
what Blaire said,
495
00:18:34,490 --> 00:18:36,159
no one ever does
anything for her.
496
00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:37,577
I mean, yeah.
497
00:18:37,577 --> 00:18:39,829
But you really want your
mother teaching your class?
498
00:18:39,829 --> 00:18:41,622
I mean, you remember what
happened to Todd Greene?
499
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,499
He yelled goodbye
to his mother.
500
00:18:43,499 --> 00:18:45,752
And now he's got to eat
lunch with the janitor.
501
00:18:45,752 --> 00:18:47,128
I don't care.
502
00:18:47,128 --> 00:18:48,379
People are
shitting in his desk.
503
00:18:48,379 --> 00:18:49,630
Look, Teddy.
We got to at least try.
504
00:18:49,630 --> 00:18:51,215
Let's go talk to the principal.
505
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,095
Well, I have to admit,
506
00:18:56,095 --> 00:18:58,681
we're in a bit of a bind here.
507
00:18:58,681 --> 00:19:01,934
Does Mrs. Bennett have
any prior teaching experience?
508
00:19:01,934 --> 00:19:05,104
Well, no, but she's
got all her credentials.
509
00:19:05,104 --> 00:19:06,355
I see.
510
00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:07,523
Oh, she's the one
who taught me how
511
00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:08,900
to use the bathroom by myself.
512
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:10,443
Yeah, last August, right?
513
00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:11,527
Oh, shut up, man.
514
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:12,695
Fuck you.
- All right, man.
515
00:19:12,695 --> 00:19:14,197
- What's that?
- I don't fucking know.
516
00:19:14,197 --> 00:19:15,656
Do you know
if your mother would
517
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:17,366
be willing to take
this on for what
518
00:19:17,366 --> 00:19:19,035
may be an indefinite period?
519
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:21,704
I mean, she has always
wanted to be a teacher.
520
00:19:21,704 --> 00:19:23,372
She just couldn't
because she had to do laundry.
521
00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,582
There's a lot of laundry so--
522
00:19:24,582 --> 00:19:26,709
I know she'd do
a wicked good job.
523
00:19:26,709 --> 00:19:28,169
OK, listen.
How about this?
524
00:19:28,169 --> 00:19:29,545
You hire her.
525
00:19:29,545 --> 00:19:31,881
And the next time
there's an anti-drug assembly,
526
00:19:31,881 --> 00:19:35,843
and they ask for questions,
I will ask a question.
527
00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:37,261
Teddy, don't.
What, are you crazy?
528
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:38,471
Quiet, John, quiet.
529
00:19:38,471 --> 00:19:42,016
I will ask a question
of the speaker.
530
00:19:42,016 --> 00:19:45,728
No one has ever asked
a question at assembly.
531
00:19:45,728 --> 00:19:47,563
I will ask one.
532
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:49,482
- A real question?
- Yes.
533
00:19:49,482 --> 00:19:51,943
Not like a, can we see
your nipple, kind of question,
534
00:19:51,943 --> 00:19:53,236
like, a real one.
535
00:19:53,236 --> 00:19:55,279
Like, how can I help ensure
536
00:19:55,279 --> 00:19:57,073
my school remains drug-free?
537
00:19:57,073 --> 00:20:01,411
Like, who should I tell if
I suspect a peer is on drugs?
538
00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:03,496
- Good God.
- Teddy, no, no.
539
00:20:03,496 --> 00:20:04,539
- Shut up, John.
- It's not worth it.
540
00:20:04,539 --> 00:20:06,332
Shut up.
This is for Susan!
541
00:20:07,417 --> 00:20:08,751
You have your deal.
542
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:10,962
And may God have
mercy on your soul.
543
00:20:10,962 --> 00:20:13,631
Now get out of this office
before I kick your ass myself.
544
00:20:13,631 --> 00:20:15,216
- Yes, ma'am, thank you.
- Thank you, thank you so much.
545
00:20:15,216 --> 00:20:16,801
Thank you.
546
00:20:18,469 --> 00:20:20,638
God, I love this job.
547
00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:30,314
both: * And that's
the monster mash ♪
548
00:20:31,816 --> 00:20:33,151
What do you think?
Is it a hit?
549
00:20:33,151 --> 00:20:34,902
I just told you.
550
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,779
There's already a song
called the "Monster Mash."
551
00:20:36,779 --> 00:20:38,030
Oh, no, Blaire.
Jesus Christ.
552
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:39,574
Look at the diagram again.
553
00:20:39,574 --> 00:20:42,869
So this song the "Monster Mash"
was inspired by this dance
554
00:20:42,869 --> 00:20:44,287
the Monster Mash.
555
00:20:44,287 --> 00:20:45,830
But the song
the "Monster Mash,"
556
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:48,541
which is about the dance
the Monster Mash,
557
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:51,669
which was inspired
by the song the "Monster Mash"
558
00:20:51,669 --> 00:20:54,464
is not the song
the "Monster Mash," all right?
559
00:20:54,464 --> 00:20:57,008
That song does not exist
in our universe.
560
00:20:57,008 --> 00:21:00,303
Ever since 1962, we have been
living in the outer circle.
561
00:21:00,303 --> 00:21:01,721
And we don't even know it.
562
00:21:01,721 --> 00:21:04,307
Teddy and I have written
the song the "Monster Mash"--
563
00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:07,101
Which will take our reality
to the innermost circle
564
00:21:07,101 --> 00:21:09,562
for the first time
in the history of the cosmos.
565
00:21:09,562 --> 00:21:11,898
All we need is
$2,000 for studio time.
566
00:21:11,898 --> 00:21:13,775
I'll save you
the time right now.
567
00:21:13,775 --> 00:21:16,319
Nobody in 1993 is going
to give a shit about a song
568
00:21:16,319 --> 00:21:17,320
called the "Monster Mash."
569
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,654
Why not?
570
00:21:18,654 --> 00:21:20,073
Because all
the good music now
571
00:21:20,073 --> 00:21:22,700
is about shit that matters,
people with real stories.
572
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,368
I mean, don't you guys
listen to hip-hop?
573
00:21:24,368 --> 00:21:25,912
OK, OK, how about this?
574
00:21:25,912 --> 00:21:29,207
both: * And that's
the monster mash ♪
575
00:21:29,207 --> 00:21:31,459
♪ It's hard being Black ♪
576
00:21:31,459 --> 00:21:32,960
John.
577
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,128
Hey, Mom.
578
00:21:34,128 --> 00:21:36,297
I just got a call
from the principal.
579
00:21:36,297 --> 00:21:37,965
Really?
580
00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:41,177
They want me
to take over for Mr. George.
581
00:21:41,177 --> 00:21:42,178
They do?
582
00:21:42,178 --> 00:21:43,638
Yeah.
583
00:21:43,638 --> 00:21:46,182
And, John, they said
it was your idea.
584
00:21:46,182 --> 00:21:48,017
Is that true?
585
00:21:48,017 --> 00:21:49,185
Are you mad?
586
00:21:49,185 --> 00:21:51,354
No, no.
587
00:21:51,354 --> 00:21:53,731
I'm just overwhelmed.
588
00:21:53,731 --> 00:21:55,233
Well, you're going
to do it, right?
589
00:21:55,233 --> 00:21:57,443
Well, I don't know.
590
00:21:57,443 --> 00:21:58,736
Oh, my God.
591
00:21:58,736 --> 00:22:00,947
You have to say yes.
This is your chance.
592
00:22:00,947 --> 00:22:03,533
Well, if I'm working, then
who's going to let the mailman
593
00:22:03,533 --> 00:22:05,201
in to use the bathroom?
594
00:22:05,201 --> 00:22:06,619
Listen to me.
595
00:22:06,619 --> 00:22:10,581
This is about you doing
something for yourself.
596
00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:11,999
Well, if it's what you want.
597
00:22:11,999 --> 00:22:14,585
No, Jesus.
It's not about me.
598
00:22:14,585 --> 00:22:16,295
It's about what you want.
599
00:22:16,295 --> 00:22:18,172
This was your dream.
I mean, come on.
600
00:22:18,172 --> 00:22:20,883
You got to give yourself
a chance to see it through.
601
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:23,720
You're not embarrassed
to have your mother
602
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,179
teaching your class?
603
00:22:25,179 --> 00:22:27,265
I already walk around school
with my Teddy bear.
604
00:22:27,265 --> 00:22:28,558
I think I'll be fine.
605
00:22:28,558 --> 00:22:31,102
Oh, John.
606
00:22:31,978 --> 00:22:33,813
Thank you.
- OK, oh, God.
607
00:22:33,813 --> 00:22:36,858
Oh, Jesus, Ma.
- Thank you so much.
608
00:22:36,858 --> 00:22:41,571
Oh, I'm so excited.
I'm all flushed.
609
00:22:41,571 --> 00:22:44,532
I'm going to go stand
in the basement water.
610
00:22:46,743 --> 00:22:50,121
John, you did that for her?
611
00:22:50,121 --> 00:22:52,248
Well, yeah.
612
00:22:52,248 --> 00:22:54,834
You know, you said nobody ever
does anything for her so--
613
00:22:54,834 --> 00:22:56,961
Yeah, you know, we're
not all about smoking weed
614
00:22:56,961 --> 00:22:59,338
and scouring
the beaches of the world
615
00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:00,798
looking for the perfect wave.
616
00:23:00,798 --> 00:23:02,133
We care.
617
00:23:02,133 --> 00:23:04,594
It's increasingly possible
that the two of you
618
00:23:04,594 --> 00:23:07,430
might not be total fuck-ups.
619
00:23:08,931 --> 00:23:10,349
I'm OK!
620
00:23:10,349 --> 00:23:11,642
I'm OK.
621
00:23:11,642 --> 00:23:13,269
Susan, get out
of the basement!
622
00:23:13,269 --> 00:23:15,646
I'm watching TV.
623
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,925
Good morning, everyone.
624
00:23:43,925 --> 00:23:45,134
Hi.
625
00:23:45,134 --> 00:23:47,720
I'm your substitute teacher,
Mrs. Bennett.
626
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,472
Fuck yeah.
Great start.
627
00:23:49,472 --> 00:23:52,809
I'm a little new at this.
628
00:23:52,809 --> 00:23:55,645
So I hope you'll
be patient with me.
629
00:23:55,645 --> 00:23:58,231
I was told you're
studying American poets
630
00:23:58,231 --> 00:24:00,108
of the early 20th century.
631
00:24:00,108 --> 00:24:01,651
Is that right?
632
00:24:05,113 --> 00:24:06,614
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
633
00:24:06,614 --> 00:24:07,657
OK.
634
00:24:07,657 --> 00:24:08,991
Now let's see.
635
00:24:08,991 --> 00:24:13,579
It looks like Mr. George
left off with T.S. Eliot.
636
00:24:13,579 --> 00:24:15,915
Yeah?
637
00:24:15,915 --> 00:24:20,294
OK, well, you know,
I have a very special place
638
00:24:20,294 --> 00:24:22,547
in my heart for T.S. Eliot.
639
00:24:22,547 --> 00:24:26,008
He wrote those wonderful
poems about cats.
640
00:24:26,008 --> 00:24:28,678
And when I was a little girl,
whenever I'd get sick
641
00:24:28,678 --> 00:24:30,888
and I'd stay home in bed,
642
00:24:30,888 --> 00:24:32,682
my mother would read me
those poems.
643
00:24:32,682 --> 00:24:34,600
They always made
me feel better.
644
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,689
Did I say something funny?
645
00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:43,025
You're saying
you're a cat lady?
646
00:24:43,025 --> 00:24:44,777
Yes, yes.
647
00:24:44,777 --> 00:24:46,904
I guess I am a cat lady.
648
00:24:46,904 --> 00:24:49,157
Well, that
explains the blouse.
649
00:24:49,157 --> 00:24:51,033
The blouse?
650
00:24:51,033 --> 00:24:52,326
Does it look OK?
651
00:24:52,326 --> 00:24:53,828
Yeah, it looks great.
652
00:24:53,828 --> 00:24:56,038
Actually, my grandma has
curtains in her bathroom.
653
00:24:56,038 --> 00:24:57,915
And I think that they
might be the same pattern.
654
00:24:57,915 --> 00:25:00,877
Oh, what a funny coincidence.
655
00:25:00,877 --> 00:25:02,378
- Leave her alone, Erin.
- Yeah.
656
00:25:02,378 --> 00:25:03,838
Some of us are here to learn.
657
00:25:03,838 --> 00:25:06,174
Aren't you the guy who asked
the question at assembly?
658
00:25:06,174 --> 00:25:07,884
A lot of people wanted
to know about the long-term
659
00:25:07,884 --> 00:25:09,302
side effects of drugs.
660
00:25:09,302 --> 00:25:12,096
Mrs. Bennett, did you pick
out the blouse yourself?
661
00:25:12,096 --> 00:25:13,765
Yeah.
662
00:25:14,891 --> 00:25:18,061
"Old Possum's Book
of Practical Cats."
663
00:25:18,061 --> 00:25:20,396
Did you pick out
the skirt yourself too?
664
00:25:20,396 --> 00:25:21,647
I did.
665
00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:22,982
Is there something
wrong with my skirt?
666
00:25:22,982 --> 00:25:25,401
I mean, not unless
you're someone who thinks
667
00:25:25,401 --> 00:25:28,321
Marshalls is too pricey.
668
00:25:28,321 --> 00:25:30,073
Hey, Erin.
669
00:25:30,073 --> 00:25:31,491
Hi. Ted.
670
00:25:31,491 --> 00:25:33,451
We've never officially talked.
But I know your work.
671
00:25:33,451 --> 00:25:35,661
Listen, I think
Susan's doing a terrific job.
672
00:25:35,661 --> 00:25:37,038
So I figured
this is a good time
673
00:25:37,038 --> 00:25:38,748
to tell you,
we all know about the nose job
674
00:25:38,748 --> 00:25:39,749
you had last year.
675
00:25:39,749 --> 00:25:41,084
You didn't fool anybody.
676
00:25:41,084 --> 00:25:42,668
Because we all remember
before the surgery
677
00:25:42,668 --> 00:25:44,462
when you tried
to kiss Danny Santucci,
678
00:25:44,462 --> 00:25:45,963
and you poked his eye out.
679
00:25:45,963 --> 00:25:48,049
Also, and everybody
in town knows this except you.
680
00:25:48,049 --> 00:25:50,635
Your dad is really your uncle,
which may have subconsciously
681
00:25:50,635 --> 00:25:52,929
fucked you up and caused you
eating disorder, which is also
682
00:25:52,929 --> 00:25:54,389
no secret because
everybody's heard you
683
00:25:54,389 --> 00:25:55,598
throwing up in the bathroom.
684
00:25:55,598 --> 00:25:56,933
And also,
I recently found out you're
685
00:25:56,933 --> 00:25:58,518
a virgin, which is interesting,
because you've
686
00:25:58,518 --> 00:25:59,852
been lying about that too.
687
00:25:59,852 --> 00:26:01,854
So I hope you do give
your boyfriend fellatio
688
00:26:01,854 --> 00:26:03,106
because at least then
there's something
689
00:26:03,106 --> 00:26:04,565
going down your throat
besides your finger.
690
00:26:04,565 --> 00:26:06,067
That about cover it?
691
00:26:11,739 --> 00:26:13,991
Jesus Christ, Teddy.
692
00:26:13,991 --> 00:26:15,118
Sorry.
693
00:26:15,118 --> 00:26:16,786
We don't do enough
for Susan at home.
694
00:26:16,786 --> 00:26:18,913
So I felt obligated
to say those things.
695
00:26:28,005 --> 00:26:30,258
Well, go ahead, Susan.
696
00:26:30,258 --> 00:26:33,302
Well, go ahead and read
697
00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:35,763
"The Love Song
of J. Alfred Prufrock."
698
00:26:35,763 --> 00:26:37,807
I'll be right back.
699
00:26:38,808 --> 00:26:40,810
You know,
before Mrs. B., I didn't
700
00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:42,353
care nothing about reading.
701
00:26:42,353 --> 00:26:44,105
But she opened my eyes.
702
00:26:44,105 --> 00:26:47,024
These poems really are
just like rap songs.
703
00:26:49,652 --> 00:26:51,821
Oh, sweetie.
704
00:26:51,821 --> 00:26:52,989
Are you OK?
705
00:26:52,989 --> 00:26:55,825
I'm a total fucking loser!
706
00:26:55,825 --> 00:26:57,285
Oh, honey.
707
00:26:57,285 --> 00:26:58,828
No, no, you're not.
708
00:26:58,828 --> 00:27:01,247
You're a very special girl.
709
00:27:01,247 --> 00:27:02,540
I just know it.
710
00:27:02,540 --> 00:27:04,250
I'm a fucking disaster.
711
00:27:04,250 --> 00:27:06,878
My whole life is
an absolute fucking mess.
712
00:27:06,878 --> 00:27:08,838
You're 16.
713
00:27:08,838 --> 00:27:11,841
Your life hasn't
even started yet.
714
00:27:11,841 --> 00:27:15,720
You can still be
anyone you want to be.
715
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:19,724
I'm sorry
I was such a bitch.
716
00:27:20,975 --> 00:27:24,020
You know,
when I was your age,
717
00:27:24,020 --> 00:27:26,731
I used to think
my ears were too big.
718
00:27:27,523 --> 00:27:31,527
And then one day I saw
a picture in a magazine
719
00:27:31,527 --> 00:27:35,698
of a girl with a deformed ear
because her mother smoked
720
00:27:35,698 --> 00:27:37,450
while she was in the womb.
721
00:27:37,450 --> 00:27:39,327
It was awful.
722
00:27:39,327 --> 00:27:43,164
It was like
a little piece of popcorn.
723
00:27:43,164 --> 00:27:47,126
And then I realized
that maybe I had more
724
00:27:47,126 --> 00:27:50,463
to be grateful for than
I knew because at least I
725
00:27:50,463 --> 00:27:52,632
had both my ears.
726
00:27:53,341 --> 00:27:55,802
I think about that girl
in the magazine.
727
00:27:55,802 --> 00:27:57,387
And I just--
728
00:27:57,387 --> 00:28:00,473
I hope somebody gave her
a job where she doesn't have
729
00:28:00,473 --> 00:28:03,059
to interact with the public.
730
00:28:03,059 --> 00:28:07,355
That's fucked up,
like, all of it,
731
00:28:07,355 --> 00:28:09,273
every part of that story.
732
00:28:10,608 --> 00:28:15,071
You are perfect
just the way you are.
733
00:28:15,071 --> 00:28:17,448
And I'm sure
your parents tell you that
734
00:28:17,448 --> 00:28:18,991
every day, don't they?
735
00:28:18,991 --> 00:28:20,952
No, not really.
736
00:28:20,952 --> 00:28:22,870
They're just
obsessed with solving
737
00:28:22,870 --> 00:28:25,415
my brother's stupid murder.
738
00:28:25,415 --> 00:28:26,916
Oh.
739
00:28:26,916 --> 00:28:28,835
It's, like,
you have a daughter too.
740
00:28:30,211 --> 00:28:32,797
Would you like
some chocolate milk?
741
00:28:33,798 --> 00:28:36,467
No, I'm OK.
742
00:28:37,176 --> 00:28:39,846
You're a really nice lady,
Mrs. Bennett.
743
00:28:53,151 --> 00:28:56,446
So I want
to hear all about it.
744
00:28:56,446 --> 00:28:58,239
You would have been
wicked proud of her, Blaire.
745
00:28:58,239 --> 00:28:59,574
She did great.
- Yeah.
746
00:28:59,574 --> 00:29:01,451
I mean, I was having trouble
with a math problem.
747
00:29:01,451 --> 00:29:03,494
And then she
converted the units
748
00:29:03,494 --> 00:29:04,787
into items from my street.
749
00:29:04,787 --> 00:29:06,080
And I got it.
750
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,959
It was
a memorable experience.
751
00:29:09,959 --> 00:29:13,963
God, Aunt Sus, I just have
to say, I am so proud of you.
752
00:29:13,963 --> 00:29:15,506
You've wanted this for decades.
753
00:29:15,506 --> 00:29:16,758
And it's finally yours.
754
00:29:16,758 --> 00:29:18,134
By the way, I didn't
know that girl's brother
755
00:29:18,134 --> 00:29:19,677
was murdered
when I said that stuff.
756
00:29:19,677 --> 00:29:21,637
I mean, really,
you stepped up.
757
00:29:21,637 --> 00:29:23,473
And you did it.
758
00:29:24,515 --> 00:29:26,642
Yeah.
759
00:29:26,642 --> 00:29:28,394
What's the matter?
760
00:29:29,270 --> 00:29:32,398
Blaire, I'm not going back.
761
00:29:33,357 --> 00:29:35,526
You're not?
762
00:29:35,526 --> 00:29:37,361
No.
763
00:29:37,361 --> 00:29:38,654
Why?
764
00:29:38,654 --> 00:29:40,656
It's just not for me.
765
00:29:40,656 --> 00:29:41,991
Well, look.
766
00:29:41,991 --> 00:29:43,868
I'm sure there
were a few bumps.
767
00:29:43,868 --> 00:29:45,620
But it's just your first day.
768
00:29:45,620 --> 00:29:48,539
Next time,
it's going to be even better.
769
00:29:48,539 --> 00:29:51,125
Blaire, I'm not like you.
770
00:29:51,125 --> 00:29:54,337
You want something different
out of life than I do.
771
00:29:54,337 --> 00:29:56,631
Years ago, I wanted to teach.
772
00:29:56,631 --> 00:30:00,176
But somewhere along the line--
773
00:30:00,176 --> 00:30:03,262
well, it's different now.
774
00:30:03,262 --> 00:30:07,183
You know, I admire how
strong you are and--
775
00:30:07,183 --> 00:30:10,603
and what you want
from the world.
776
00:30:10,603 --> 00:30:12,897
But it's not who I am.
777
00:30:12,897 --> 00:30:15,400
I'm happy with my life.
778
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,986
But your life can't
just be about chocolate milk
779
00:30:18,986 --> 00:30:20,488
and Matty's stools.
780
00:30:20,488 --> 00:30:22,073
You know, I'm just
putting it together now.
781
00:30:22,073 --> 00:30:24,200
But you think all the lactose
is maybe the reason he's so--
782
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:27,078
Oh, Blaire.
I don't see it that way at all.
783
00:30:27,078 --> 00:30:29,205
I mean, the best part
of my day was helping
784
00:30:29,205 --> 00:30:31,582
that girl with the nose job.
785
00:30:31,582 --> 00:30:34,711
- Oh, it's a terrible nose job.
- It's a terrible nose job.
786
00:30:34,711 --> 00:30:37,130
And I didn't want her
to feel badly about it.
787
00:30:37,130 --> 00:30:42,051
But just being there
for her made me feel so good.
788
00:30:42,051 --> 00:30:45,054
That's my special
power, Blaire,
789
00:30:45,054 --> 00:30:48,057
helping people who need me.
790
00:30:48,057 --> 00:30:52,311
Making them happy
is what makes me happy.
791
00:30:52,311 --> 00:30:55,356
I have to be
honest, Aunt Sus.
792
00:30:55,356 --> 00:30:57,400
I don't understand how
that can be enough.
793
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:58,735
I mean, you know
you can do both.
794
00:30:58,735 --> 00:31:00,778
I don't want to.
795
00:31:00,778 --> 00:31:02,113
Oh, I'm so sorry.
796
00:31:02,113 --> 00:31:04,157
I didn't mean to yell.
797
00:31:05,032 --> 00:31:07,034
No, it's OK.
798
00:31:07,034 --> 00:31:08,745
Are you OK?
799
00:31:08,745 --> 00:31:11,330
- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.
800
00:31:13,708 --> 00:31:15,418
Oh, Matty, you're limping.
801
00:31:15,418 --> 00:31:17,420
Oh, my goddamn
gout's killing me.
802
00:31:17,420 --> 00:31:20,089
Oh, no.
You want me to take a look?
803
00:31:20,089 --> 00:31:21,466
No, no, no, no.
You don't want to see this.
804
00:31:21,466 --> 00:31:23,718
My big toe looks like
a frog holding his breath.
805
00:31:23,718 --> 00:31:26,763
Well, last time
it was a cob of Indian corn.
806
00:31:26,763 --> 00:31:28,139
So it must be getting better.
807
00:31:28,139 --> 00:31:30,183
Yeah, well,
it hurts like a shithouse.
808
00:31:30,183 --> 00:31:32,268
Matty, why don't we go
upstairs to the bedroom,
809
00:31:32,268 --> 00:31:36,064
and you can show me
your toe, OK?
810
00:31:36,064 --> 00:31:37,565
All right.
811
00:31:40,485 --> 00:31:42,528
Oh, so many steps.
812
00:31:42,528 --> 00:31:44,781
I know.
813
00:31:51,662 --> 00:31:53,164
I just want
to go on the record
814
00:31:53,164 --> 00:31:56,084
that I don't approve
of this kind of enabling.
815
00:31:56,084 --> 00:31:58,378
Well, if this week
has taught us anything,
816
00:31:58,378 --> 00:32:00,630
it's that what matters most
is Blaire's approval.
817
00:32:00,630 --> 00:32:02,131
Ha, hilarious.
818
00:32:02,131 --> 00:32:04,175
Fuck you.
- Yeah, smoke up.
819
00:32:05,093 --> 00:32:07,678
It just bums
me out, you know,
820
00:32:07,678 --> 00:32:09,847
that the women
of Aunt Susan's generation
821
00:32:09,847 --> 00:32:11,307
can be happy with so little.
822
00:32:11,307 --> 00:32:12,475
Yeah, I know what you mean.
823
00:32:12,475 --> 00:32:14,227
I don't like those
women either.
824
00:32:14,227 --> 00:32:16,312
They need to have
more ambition like us.
825
00:32:16,312 --> 00:32:18,064
But you get what
I'm saying, right?
826
00:32:18,064 --> 00:32:20,233
I mean, people just
walk all over her.
827
00:32:20,233 --> 00:32:22,819
And she just smiles
and keeps on like vacuuming
828
00:32:22,819 --> 00:32:24,195
the fucking floor.
829
00:32:24,195 --> 00:32:26,572
I mean, she kind of
told you to fuck off.
830
00:32:26,572 --> 00:32:29,367
Yeah, I guess
mission accomplished, huh?
831
00:32:29,367 --> 00:32:31,744
This is going
to be a thing, isn't it,
832
00:32:31,744 --> 00:32:33,079
the three of us getting high?
833
00:32:33,079 --> 00:32:35,665
- Yeah, it sure is.
- Yeah, enjoy your new life.
834
00:32:35,665 --> 00:32:37,708
Fuck.
835
00:32:39,877 --> 00:32:42,547
Remember when I
was a therapist?
836
00:32:48,970 --> 00:32:53,057
♪ Oh, you've got a head
full of someone dreadful ♪
837
00:32:53,057 --> 00:32:56,644
♪ And yet alas
that someone adores you ♪
838
00:32:57,770 --> 00:33:01,524
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
839
00:33:01,524 --> 00:33:04,277
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
840
00:33:04,277 --> 00:33:07,613
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
841
00:33:07,613 --> 00:33:11,117
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
842
00:33:11,117 --> 00:33:13,286
♪ But you just don't care ♪
843
00:33:13,286 --> 00:33:19,709
♪ 'Cause your best
friend is me ♪