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00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,219
{\an8}[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
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00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:12,930
{\an8}♪ ♪
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00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,432
{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
4
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:16,350
{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
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00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,479
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
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00:00:19,479 --> 00:00:23,107
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
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[bright music]
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00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:35,745
♪ ♪
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00:00:35,745 --> 00:00:36,788
B7.
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- Miss.
- Again?
12
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- Yup.
- Jesus, that's eight misses.
13
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Yes, it is.
14
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Did you put your ships in?
15
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No, I did not.
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What the fuck, dude?
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00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:47,673
While you were militarizing,
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I allocated my funds
toward infrastructure--
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roads and bridges,
schools and hospitals, John.
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The needs of my people.
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00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,847
That's not
how the game works.
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It's not a game,
you son of a bitch!
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Jesus, OK.
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Sorry, I think I've been
watching too much "M.A.S.H."
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Boys, come upstairs.
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It's cookie-frosting time.
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[sighs]
We gonna do this?
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00:01:07,443 --> 00:01:09,278
Lori Loughlin's
on "Oprah" at 3:00,
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00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,822
so I was gonna jerk off.
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But I guess I can tape it.
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You're a good son.
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{\an8}[timer dings]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}Oh, hey, Sarah.
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{\an8}Hey, Ted.
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{\an8}How's the pot business?
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{\an8}The... crock pot business
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{\an8}is doing just fine, thanks.
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{\an8}Sarah, I don't think
you've met my cousin John.
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{\an8}- Hi.
- Hi.
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{\an8}Sarah's Blaire's friend
from college.
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{\an8}Her trip to California
was canceled,
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{\an8}so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
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{\an8}She's...
[with Indian accent] Indian.
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{\an8}Aunt Suze, you--
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{\an8}you don't have to say that.
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{\an8}[normally]
Oh, I don't mind.
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{\an8}Sarah shouldn't have
to tell people she's Indian.
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{\an8}Thank you.
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{\an8}Aren't you glad
you stayed for this?
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{\an8}- Mm.
- OK, tools...
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{\an8}Oh, thank you.
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{\an8}For my little
assistants here.
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{\an8}Do you want to make
the colostomy bag joke,
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{\an8}or should I?
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{\an8}Well, Sarah is the guest.
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{\an8}Sarah, would you like to make
the colostomy bag joke?
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{\an8}I'm all good.
Thanks.
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{\an8}Johnny, I need you outside.
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{\an8}There's a raccoon frozen in
the ice next to the driveway.
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{\an8}I got to chip him out of there.
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{\an8}Well, what do you
need me for?
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{\an8}Need you to bag up the pieces
for the homeless.
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{\an8}Wait, do you only give stuff
to the homeless
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{\an8}when you don't want
to go to the dump?
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{\an8}Matty, honey, this is Sarah,
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{\an8}Blaire's Indian friend.
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{\an8}Aunt Suze, you really
don't have to add that.
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{\an8}I had Indian food once.
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{\an8}Blew right through me.
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{\an8}I'll pass that on
up the ladder.
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{\an8}Do what you want to do.
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{\an8}I'm just telling you
what happened.
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{\an8}All right, John, let's go.
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{\an8}Well, actually, I'm helping
Mom frost the cookies.
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{\an8}Well, you can do that later.
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{\an8}She asked him first, Matty.
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{\an8}You can wait your turn.
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{\an8}Are you kidding me?
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{\an8}Jesus Christ,
when I was your age,
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{\an8}I would have killed
to shovel ice with my dad.
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{\an8}Yeah, I can see
how chopping up a dead raccoon
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{\an8}would be a father-son
memory maker.
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{\an8}So you're not gonna help?
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{\an8}Well, I got a lot
of cookies to frost, Dad.
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{\an8}[scoffs]
Spoken like a real man.
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{\an8}Which means what?
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{\an8}No, no, no, no, it's fine.
You know what?
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{\an8}Stay here and frost
your cookies with the ladies.
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{\an8}Maybe we can go see
a Broadway show after.
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{\an8}Oh, Matty, could we?
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{\an8}So your implication
is that John is, what, gay
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{\an8}because he's frosting cookies?
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Susan, help me out here.
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Look at that.
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Is that an elf
with his big candy cane?
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No, it's a barber pole.
The elf just got a haircut.
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Oh, I love it.
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Oh, Matty, come look
at the elf's haircut.
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Fuck, Jesus Christ!
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You know, when I was just
a little bit older than you,
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I was in Vietnam.
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Did I ever tell you
about the time
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I thought I saw
a clown in a field
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but it was just
an inside-out guy?
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Know what?
Forget it.
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Frost your gay cookies.
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Did he just call you gay
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and then angrily toss
his scarf over his shoulder?
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Yup.
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Maybe he's still
figuring shit out.
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Well, it is always
the homophobes.
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You know, I never
understood that word.
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- What word?
- "Homophobe."
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It's prejudice
against gay people.
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Yeah, but, like,
shouldn't it mean,
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like, scared of gay people?
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Yeah, I've always
wondered that too.
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Like, every other phobe
is, like, scared.
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That is
what "homophobe" means.
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No, no, but it's--
it is different, right?
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Like, in "Arachnophobia,"
Jeff Daniels
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is scared of spiders
because he thinks
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they're gonna, like,
hurt him
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or, like, kill him
or something.
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Yeah, it's not like,
oh, I'm scared of spiders
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'cause I think they're
gonna make me a spider
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or they're gonna
take over the school
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and teach spider stuff.
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- Stop talking.
- I mean, if I was a homophobe,
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wouldn't I see a gay guy
and be like, aah, a gay guy!
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Run!
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Is the bear always like this?
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I'm so sorry.
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[breathing heavily]
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Whew!
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Didn't even run that far.
[chuckles]
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[panting]
So... Bollywood,
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is that you guys?
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♪ ♪
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Come on, Matty,
we're gonna be late for church.
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No, I'm taking the week off.
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Pats are playing Buffalo.
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But it's the last Sunday
service before Christmas Eve.
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And Father Odell
says that if you don't
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cultivate a relationship
with God,
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you're going to hell.
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Can't be worse
than one of his sermons.
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Well, if he's that boring,
150
00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,726
then why is the Boston Globe
Spotlight Team
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doing a big story on him?
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Matty, Susan
has a choir solo today.
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I'll be at the next one,
all right? I promise.
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Jesus,
it's 45 fucking minutes.
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You can't do this for her?
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Oh, it's all right.
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He works hard all week.
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If he wants to rest
on a Sunday, let him rest.
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It's what the Lord did.
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No, it's not
all right, though.
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He's acting like
a selfish jerk.
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I'm selfish?
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Wait a minute.
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I work 60 hours a week
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so that you guys
can have a fridge
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full of Eggos and Fanta.
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He's right.
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We do take the Fanta
for granted.
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- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
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- Yeah.
- Hey, what's that?
171
00:05:41,426 --> 00:05:44,929
Oh, it's the toys for
the Toys for Tots gift drive.
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00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,764
That's Dennis the dump truck.
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Uh-huh.
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You can't give him away.
175
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,894
Well, it's been
in our basement for years.
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Yeah, but I've had him
since I was a kid.
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That means a lot to me.
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You named
your dump truck Dennis?
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Keep my truck's name
out your mouth.
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Oh, honey,
but you never play with it.
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Well--well, I'm gonna--
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I'm gonna start
playing with him.
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00:06:03,865 --> 00:06:05,408
Oh, you're gonna start
playing with it now
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at fucking 50?
185
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,035
Yes, I'm gonna--
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I'm gonna start
playing with him all the time.
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Starting right now. See?
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Vroom, vroom.
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Oh, yeah, we'll deliver
that peat moss.
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00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:18,087
Yeah, we will.
Vroom.
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00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,214
- Hey, that looks fun.
- Yeah, can we play?
192
00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,632
- No.
- Aw.
193
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:22,675
Vroom, vroom.
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00:06:22,675 --> 00:06:24,343
What the fuck is happening?
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00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,137
Vroom.
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Why are you still here?
197
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:28,681
Her flight was canceled,
198
00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:31,184
so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
199
00:06:31,184 --> 00:06:32,852
Hang on a second.
200
00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:35,354
We got company here
for the whole holidays
201
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:36,814
and nobody even asked me?
202
00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:39,859
I can find somewhere else
to stay if it's a problem.
203
00:06:39,859 --> 00:06:41,235
No.
Please, no.
204
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,737
No.
Absolutely not.
205
00:06:42,737 --> 00:06:43,863
Susan said it's fine.
Don't worry about him.
206
00:06:43,863 --> 00:06:45,823
What, I don't get a say
in my own house?
207
00:06:45,823 --> 00:06:46,866
Oh, Matty,
I think you're being
208
00:06:46,866 --> 00:06:48,826
a little silly about this.
209
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:51,079
Nobody ever takes my side
in this house ever!
210
00:06:51,079 --> 00:06:53,623
It's always me
against everybody else.
211
00:06:53,623 --> 00:06:54,999
Well, maybe somebody
would take your side
212
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:56,667
if you weren't always
spreading your shitty mood
213
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,044
all over the house.
- Fine!
214
00:06:58,044 --> 00:06:59,629
Your friend can stay
for the week.
215
00:06:59,629 --> 00:07:01,464
Go have fun at church.
See? I'm nice.
216
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:03,257
Thank you so much,
Mr. Scrooge.
217
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,259
And God bless us, every one.
218
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:08,096
Well, at least Scrooge
was a good businessman.
219
00:07:08,096 --> 00:07:10,181
Yeah, and Tiny Tim's
condition was preexisting.
220
00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:11,808
Scrooge shouldn't have
to cover it.
221
00:07:11,808 --> 00:07:13,518
- Exactly!
- Can I play with the truck?
222
00:07:13,518 --> 00:07:15,228
- No.
- Aw.
223
00:07:15,228 --> 00:07:18,314
["Silent Night" playing
on organ]
224
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:25,321
♪ ♪
225
00:07:25,321 --> 00:07:29,575
♪ Silent night ♪
226
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:34,247
♪ Holy night ♪
227
00:07:34,247 --> 00:07:38,668
♪ All is calm ♪
228
00:07:38,668 --> 00:07:43,256
♪ All is bright ♪
229
00:07:43,256 --> 00:07:47,552
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
230
00:07:47,552 --> 00:07:52,306
♪ Mother and child ♪
231
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♪ Holy infant ♪
232
00:07:55,977 --> 00:08:00,773
♪ So tender and mild ♪
233
00:08:00,773 --> 00:08:03,443
Wait, who describes
an infant as mild?
234
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:05,111
Yeah, I'm more
hung up on tender.
235
00:08:05,111 --> 00:08:07,113
Yeah, somebody's
eating this baby.
236
00:08:07,113 --> 00:08:09,949
♪ Peace ♪
237
00:08:09,949 --> 00:08:15,037
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
238
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:19,208
♪ Peace ♪
239
00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:21,669
Thank you to the choir
240
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:25,089
and to Susan Bennett
for that wonderful solo.
241
00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,174
Where's Matty?
242
00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:29,719
Oh, he wasn't
feeling well today.
243
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:31,721
It's important
that we remember just why
244
00:08:31,721 --> 00:08:33,848
we celebrate Christmas.
245
00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:36,893
We observe
the holiest of all days
246
00:08:36,893 --> 00:08:41,481
to rejoice in the glory
of the birth of Jesus Christ,
247
00:08:41,481 --> 00:08:43,816
born not from the seed of man
248
00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:45,943
but from divine origin.
249
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:49,947
Never before or since
have we, God's children,
250
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:53,743
been blessed by such a miracle.
251
00:08:53,743 --> 00:08:55,661
Excuse me.
252
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:56,871
Yeah, over here.
253
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,082
Hi.
Ted, local bear.
254
00:08:59,082 --> 00:09:00,917
You're talking
about a guy who came alive
255
00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:02,293
out of nowhere, right?
256
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:03,419
Yes.
257
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:05,046
Yeah, me.
258
00:09:05,046 --> 00:09:06,255
I'm sorry?
259
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:08,674
I'm just saying,
he's not the only one.
260
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,927
I don't think
that's the same thing.
261
00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:12,970
Well, you said,
never before or since.
262
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,349
But...[chuckles]
You know, this guy.
263
00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:18,935
The birth of Christ
was a heavenly miracle.
264
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:20,186
I mean,
what do you call this?
265
00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:21,896
I mean, I don't see
any Pound Puppies
266
00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:23,648
or Monchhichis walking around.
267
00:09:23,648 --> 00:09:26,901
Christ's birth
was clearly ordained by God,
268
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:29,654
marked by the star
of Bethlehem,
269
00:09:29,654 --> 00:09:31,572
a miraculous beacon
from the heavens.
270
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,658
- There was a star there.
- There was a star, right?
271
00:09:33,658 --> 00:09:34,951
Yeah, no,
it was a shooting star.
272
00:09:34,951 --> 00:09:35,993
- I had a star.
- Yeah.
273
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,246
Jesus had a divine purpose.
274
00:09:38,246 --> 00:09:41,791
God sent him to us to spread
the word that He loves us.
275
00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:43,418
I love you.
276
00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:44,836
Your move, Friar Tuck.
277
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:46,295
I just want
to finish the sermon.
278
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,089
I'm just saying,
I might be Jesus.
279
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:49,966
Might.
I'm not saying for sure.
280
00:09:49,966 --> 00:09:51,718
I'm just saying
it's a possibility.
281
00:09:51,718 --> 00:09:52,969
I might be Jesus.
282
00:09:52,969 --> 00:09:54,971
That is incredibly
disrespectful.
283
00:09:54,971 --> 00:09:56,806
Says the guy eating babies.
284
00:09:56,806 --> 00:09:59,475
So third and 10.
285
00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:00,810
There he goes.
286
00:10:00,810 --> 00:10:03,855
[crowd yelling]
287
00:10:03,855 --> 00:10:04,897
[whistle blows]
288
00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:06,482
Fucking Patriots!
289
00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,151
You see that, Dennis?
290
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:09,360
[groans]
291
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,112
Why couldn't I have been born
in Buffalo?
292
00:10:11,112 --> 00:10:12,822
I'd be winning every year.
293
00:10:12,822 --> 00:10:15,241
God!
Buffalo has it all.
294
00:10:15,241 --> 00:10:18,453
Let's leave something
special for Santa this year:
295
00:10:18,453 --> 00:10:20,371
Jell-O Pudding Pops!
296
00:10:20,371 --> 00:10:21,372
children: Yay!
297
00:10:21,372 --> 00:10:22,874
Santa's gonna love it.
298
00:10:22,874 --> 00:10:26,294
Happy holidays
from Jell-O Pudding Pops!
299
00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:27,378
[TV clicks off]
300
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,883
Bet Bill Cosby's having
a good Christmas.
301
00:10:31,883 --> 00:10:34,427
Bet he doesn't have to deal
with a bunch of women
302
00:10:34,427 --> 00:10:36,262
telling him he's a jerk.
303
00:10:38,306 --> 00:10:41,976
You know, used to be, the man
of the house said his piece,
304
00:10:41,976 --> 00:10:43,936
everybody just fell in line.
305
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:46,481
Now it's like fucking
"Jerry Springer" in here.
306
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,111
Bet if you could talk,
you'd take my side.
307
00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:54,614
Have another beer, Matty.
You've earned it.
308
00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:56,532
Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.
309
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:58,910
I think I will.
310
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:02,705
And--and--and take
your socks off, Matty.
311
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:04,373
I don't mind the smell
of your feet
312
00:11:04,373 --> 00:11:06,834
because I know that's not
something you can control.
313
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,503
Well, I appreciate that,
Dennis.
314
00:11:08,503 --> 00:11:10,129
Thank you.
Thank you.
315
00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:12,382
Hey, Matty.
Yeah?
316
00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:14,384
Shouldn't there be
a White History Month too?
317
00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:18,346
Well, Dennis,
you said it, not me.
318
00:11:18,346 --> 00:11:21,349
[bright music]
319
00:11:21,349 --> 00:11:26,437
♪ ♪
320
00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:27,647
Ah!
321
00:11:27,647 --> 00:11:30,274
That was a hell of a floss.
322
00:11:33,528 --> 00:11:35,655
Nothing feels better
than getting stuff
323
00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,782
out of places, right?
324
00:11:41,244 --> 00:11:42,745
Let me know when you want
to take a run
325
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:45,123
at that ingrown hair
on my neck.
326
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,628
Am I still getting
the silent treatment?
327
00:11:50,628 --> 00:11:53,715
Look, I already said
I'm sorry I missed your solo.
328
00:11:53,715 --> 00:11:55,591
You know I can't sit on wood.
329
00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,301
It aggravates my hemorrhoids.
330
00:11:59,345 --> 00:12:03,141
Oh, so my hemorrhoids are
my fault, too, I guess, huh?
331
00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:06,519
It ain't the post office
down there, Susan.
332
00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:08,521
This stuff doesn't just
show up on its own.
333
00:12:08,521 --> 00:12:10,148
There's effort involved.
334
00:12:15,361 --> 00:12:17,780
Might get one of those--
one of those doughnut pillows.
335
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:18,906
No.
You know what?
336
00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:20,491
You don't get to hear about it.
337
00:12:22,577 --> 00:12:25,872
[whimsical music]
338
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:33,004
♪ ♪
339
00:12:41,512 --> 00:12:43,931
[sighs]
340
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:49,062
♪ ♪
341
00:12:49,062 --> 00:12:52,065
[dramatic music]
342
00:12:52,065 --> 00:12:59,238
♪ ♪
343
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,921
[birds chirping]
344
00:13:14,921 --> 00:13:22,095
♪ ♪
345
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,313
[grunts]
346
00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:38,361
Hey!
347
00:13:40,196 --> 00:13:42,949
You wished me to life,
fuck face!
348
00:13:49,664 --> 00:13:52,583
[bright music]
349
00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:56,379
♪ ♪
350
00:13:56,379 --> 00:13:58,089
How the hell
did this happen?
351
00:13:58,089 --> 00:13:59,882
Just like it happened
with Ted.
352
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:01,259
I was looking out the window.
353
00:14:01,259 --> 00:14:03,010
Shooting star flies by.
354
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,053
I made a wish.
355
00:14:04,053 --> 00:14:05,263
And here I am.
356
00:14:05,263 --> 00:14:06,472
Is this house cursed?
357
00:14:06,472 --> 00:14:08,224
Hey, Susan,
can I smoke in here?
358
00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:09,684
If he smokes, I get to smoke.
359
00:14:09,684 --> 00:14:12,311
I'm sorry, Dennis,
if I let you smoke,
360
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,731
I'll have to let
all the toys smoke.
361
00:14:14,731 --> 00:14:15,773
Yeah, fuck.
362
00:14:15,773 --> 00:14:16,899
Hey, can I ask you something?
363
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,234
How did it feel for you?
364
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:19,527
Yeah, one minute, nothing.
365
00:14:19,527 --> 00:14:20,653
The next, I can talk.
366
00:14:20,653 --> 00:14:22,447
Was there a feeling
like acid reflux,
367
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:23,406
like, right after?
368
00:14:23,406 --> 00:14:24,741
Oh, yeah, bad.
369
00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:26,617
It also felt like I had to pee,
but I couldn't.
370
00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:27,869
Yup.
Same here.
371
00:14:27,869 --> 00:14:29,704
Must be what happens
when toys come to life.
372
00:14:29,704 --> 00:14:33,750
So you just wished
for your truck to come alive?
373
00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:35,293
Not exactly.
374
00:14:35,293 --> 00:14:36,461
I wished there was someone
in the house
375
00:14:36,461 --> 00:14:38,254
who'd back me up
in an argument.
376
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:39,422
Next thing I know,
I could move
377
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:41,257
and I hated
the fucking Yankees.
378
00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:43,593
Well, I guess
it's a Christmas miracle.
379
00:14:43,593 --> 00:14:46,179
So, like,
were there murders here?
380
00:14:46,179 --> 00:14:47,805
Like, was a grave desecrated?
381
00:14:47,805 --> 00:14:49,390
Jesus Christ, look at this.
Look at this.
382
00:14:49,390 --> 00:14:51,851
They're giving free visas
to tech workers.
383
00:14:51,851 --> 00:14:53,853
Oh, fucking A.
They're coming.
384
00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:55,480
- Who?
- Immigrants.
385
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,441
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Really? Him too?
386
00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:00,109
Yeah, those
affirmative action bozos
387
00:15:00,109 --> 00:15:01,861
are probably jumping for joy.
388
00:15:01,861 --> 00:15:04,489
No shit, watching them take
all the goddamn jobs.
389
00:15:04,489 --> 00:15:05,948
You do know
affirmative action
390
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,284
isn't about taking things
away, right?
391
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:09,494
It's about including people
392
00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:11,162
who've been
discriminated against.
393
00:15:11,162 --> 00:15:12,371
Oh, come on!
394
00:15:12,371 --> 00:15:13,331
Oh, here we go again
with this again.
395
00:15:13,331 --> 00:15:14,624
What a bunch of bullshit.
396
00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,250
So you're saying
we should give people jobs
397
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:17,710
based on the color
of their skin.
398
00:15:17,710 --> 00:15:20,922
I'm saying that things
have been unequal for centuries
399
00:15:20,922 --> 00:15:22,465
and we should balance
the scales.
400
00:15:22,465 --> 00:15:24,050
So yeah.
401
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:25,885
OK, see, now, that's racist.
402
00:15:25,885 --> 00:15:26,969
You're the one
who's defending
403
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,471
a white-dominated workforce.
404
00:15:28,471 --> 00:15:29,889
Hey, I don't care
if they're purple,
405
00:15:29,889 --> 00:15:31,432
green, or orange, all right?
406
00:15:31,432 --> 00:15:33,476
I just don't want them
Black, brown, or yellow.
407
00:15:33,476 --> 00:15:35,603
- Oh, my God, dude, really?
- Whoa, Jesus, dude.
408
00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:38,439
Come on, it's a fucking joke.
Relax.
409
00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:39,732
OK, look,
brown person over here.
410
00:15:39,732 --> 00:15:42,485
Just FYI, my parents
moved here from India,
411
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:44,195
and they built
a very successful business
412
00:15:44,195 --> 00:15:45,530
all on their own.
413
00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:47,281
And they had to work
twice as hard to do it.
414
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:49,117
Business owners.
All right. OK.
415
00:15:49,117 --> 00:15:50,785
Your parents vote
for Clinton or Bush?
416
00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:53,496
Well, I mean,
they voted for Bush, but I--
417
00:15:53,496 --> 00:15:54,747
- Holy shit!
- Ah, see, there it is.
418
00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,124
There it is.
- Check-fucking-mate! See?
419
00:15:56,124 --> 00:15:57,333
This is why Dennis.
420
00:15:57,333 --> 00:15:59,168
This is why Dennis!
421
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:00,670
But I voted for Clinton.
422
00:16:00,670 --> 00:16:02,672
You know what this is?
Fucking Republicans.
423
00:16:02,672 --> 00:16:04,799
I swear to God,
all you guys care about
424
00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:06,259
is winning the argument.
425
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:09,095
You don't care about
actual change or justice.
426
00:16:09,095 --> 00:16:10,763
It's all about feeling
fake smart
427
00:16:10,763 --> 00:16:12,056
for, like, two seconds.
428
00:16:12,056 --> 00:16:13,224
Let me ask you this.
429
00:16:13,224 --> 00:16:14,475
What about the world
beyond you?
430
00:16:14,475 --> 00:16:16,853
What about other people
and their needs?
431
00:16:16,853 --> 00:16:18,521
Jesus, what are you
getting all mad about?
432
00:16:18,521 --> 00:16:20,523
You got two broads
on the Supreme Court now.
433
00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:22,734
You're winning.
- Yeah, there you go, right?
434
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:24,861
Two out of nine
is pretty darn good.
435
00:16:24,861 --> 00:16:26,279
OK. You know what?
436
00:16:26,279 --> 00:16:28,030
I am used to taking
this crap from Matty,
437
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:31,075
but I'm not gonna take it
from some random piece of shit
438
00:16:31,075 --> 00:16:32,493
that just came to life.
439
00:16:32,493 --> 00:16:34,162
No offense, Ted.
- All good.
440
00:16:34,162 --> 00:16:35,580
Come on.
Let's go.
441
00:16:37,874 --> 00:16:42,128
So we just don't care
that I'm Jesus, huh?
442
00:17:15,161 --> 00:17:17,914
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
443
00:17:17,914 --> 00:17:19,832
Hi.
444
00:17:19,832 --> 00:17:24,420
I was just checking to see
if you're OK after--
445
00:17:26,464 --> 00:17:28,633
Well, it looks like you're OK.
446
00:17:31,344 --> 00:17:34,138
Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.
447
00:17:34,138 --> 00:17:36,057
There's something
you should know.
448
00:17:36,057 --> 00:17:38,226
What?
449
00:17:38,226 --> 00:17:40,269
Me and Sarah are--
450
00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:44,524
- We're a couple, like, dating.
- Yeah.
451
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:46,943
No.
452
00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:49,195
both: Yeah.
- No.
453
00:17:49,195 --> 00:17:53,074
You're just very good friends.
454
00:17:53,074 --> 00:17:55,159
- No.
- No, that's not--
455
00:17:55,159 --> 00:17:56,244
what you just saw--
456
00:17:56,244 --> 00:17:57,787
What I saw
457
00:17:57,787 --> 00:18:00,498
was you expressing
your good friendship,
458
00:18:00,498 --> 00:18:02,375
just like the girls
on the tennis team
459
00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:05,002
used to do
when I was in school.
460
00:18:05,002 --> 00:18:06,713
You know what?
461
00:18:06,713 --> 00:18:07,839
Maybe you're right.
462
00:18:07,839 --> 00:18:09,799
Maybe that's for the best.
463
00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:12,468
We're just...
really good friends.
464
00:18:12,468 --> 00:18:14,429
[chuckles]
Wait. What?
465
00:18:14,429 --> 00:18:16,264
Sarah, people in this house
think Liberace
466
00:18:16,264 --> 00:18:18,391
just had a lot
of personality, OK?
467
00:18:18,391 --> 00:18:20,476
I think good friends
is as far as they're gonna go.
468
00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:23,813
Gosh, that Liberace sure was
full of spunk, wasn't he?
469
00:18:23,813 --> 00:18:25,773
Blaire, no, OK?
470
00:18:25,773 --> 00:18:26,774
I'm tired of this.
471
00:18:26,774 --> 00:18:28,151
We keep hiding it
everywhere we go.
472
00:18:28,151 --> 00:18:29,777
- I know.
- It's bullshit.
473
00:18:29,777 --> 00:18:31,112
OK, well, you think
my uncle's gonna be cool
474
00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:32,196
with this?
- Oh, come on.
475
00:18:32,196 --> 00:18:33,364
Especially
with Dennis around?
476
00:18:33,364 --> 00:18:34,782
Who gives a fuck
what he thinks?
477
00:18:34,782 --> 00:18:37,160
And why should I care
what a fucking toy dump truck
478
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,328
thinks about my sexuality?
479
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:40,913
There's a sentence
you don't hear every day.
480
00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:42,582
Wouldn't it be easier
to just tell them
481
00:18:42,582 --> 00:18:43,833
we're more than good friends?
482
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:47,754
I really think
that if we just take a minute,
483
00:18:47,754 --> 00:18:49,756
we'd be saving ourselves
a lot of stress,
484
00:18:49,756 --> 00:18:52,008
all right,
at least till after Christmas.
485
00:18:52,008 --> 00:18:55,887
We have very little going on
January 3rd.
486
00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:56,929
Great.
487
00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:58,097
Yeah, that works.
488
00:18:58,097 --> 00:18:59,557
- All right.
- Thank you, Suze.
489
00:19:02,435 --> 00:19:06,230
January 3rd,
put it on the calendar.
490
00:19:16,699 --> 00:19:17,909
[sighs]
491
00:19:20,078 --> 00:19:22,371
Oh, my God, did I tell you
somebody broke into my car
492
00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:23,998
and whacked off
on the dashboard?
493
00:19:23,998 --> 00:19:25,708
Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
494
00:19:25,708 --> 00:19:28,002
Right.
Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.
495
00:19:28,002 --> 00:19:29,420
Can we not turn on each other?
496
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:30,880
Fine.
Let me braid your hair.
497
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,256
Thank you.
498
00:19:35,510 --> 00:19:37,053
OK, we can't read
this whole thing.
499
00:19:37,053 --> 00:19:39,138
Well, if we're gonna figure
out if I'm actually Jesus,
500
00:19:39,138 --> 00:19:40,390
we at least got to skim it.
501
00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:42,767
I have never
seen pages so thin.
502
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:43,976
I know.
503
00:19:43,976 --> 00:19:45,686
It's like Kleenex
with boring stories on it.
504
00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:46,813
You know, I was thinking.
505
00:19:46,813 --> 00:19:49,023
How do we know
that Dennis isn't Jesus?
506
00:19:49,023 --> 00:19:51,025
Johnny, Jesus walked
on water, all right?
507
00:19:51,025 --> 00:19:52,276
Walked!
508
00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:53,361
That means he had feet,
not wheels.
509
00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:55,029
Yeah, that makes sense.
510
00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:57,490
Oh, wait, hang on.
Stop right there.
511
00:19:57,490 --> 00:19:58,491
Look, look, look.
512
00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:00,576
Matthew 21:31,
513
00:20:00,576 --> 00:20:02,412
"Truly I say to you,
514
00:20:02,412 --> 00:20:04,414
"the tax collectors
and prostitutes
515
00:20:04,414 --> 00:20:06,457
go into the kingdom of heaven
before you."
516
00:20:06,457 --> 00:20:07,583
Look at that.
517
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,001
Jesus hangs out with hookers.
518
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:10,545
Yeah, and he says
there's hookers in heaven too.
519
00:20:10,545 --> 00:20:11,879
He sounds a lot like you.
520
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:13,840
Oh, yeah, heaven is probably
mostly hookers.
521
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,591
Wait, so you're paying
for sex in heaven?
522
00:20:15,591 --> 00:20:16,759
You're not paying them
for sex.
523
00:20:16,759 --> 00:20:18,219
You're paying them to fly away.
524
00:20:18,219 --> 00:20:19,220
Oh.
525
00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:20,471
Let's see.
526
00:20:21,639 --> 00:20:23,599
"And behold, I come quickly,
527
00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:25,977
and my reward
is with me to give"--
528
00:20:25,977 --> 00:20:27,437
What was that first part?
529
00:20:27,437 --> 00:20:29,439
"Behold, I come quickly."
530
00:20:29,439 --> 00:20:31,232
- Jesus said that?
- Yeah.
531
00:20:31,232 --> 00:20:34,193
Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'd start with "behold."
532
00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,571
What else?
533
00:20:36,571 --> 00:20:38,281
Well, look, look, look.
Right there. Right there.
534
00:20:38,281 --> 00:20:39,782
John the apostle.
535
00:20:39,782 --> 00:20:41,868
Jesus had an apostle
named John.
536
00:20:41,868 --> 00:20:42,952
Holy shit.
537
00:20:42,952 --> 00:20:44,704
Those were, like,
his buddies, right?
538
00:20:44,704 --> 00:20:46,873
Yeah, yeah, there was
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,
539
00:20:46,873 --> 00:20:48,249
Johnny, Blitzen,
540
00:20:48,249 --> 00:20:50,084
and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
541
00:20:50,084 --> 00:20:51,335
There's no doubt anymore.
542
00:20:51,335 --> 00:20:52,920
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
543
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,213
Holy shit.
544
00:20:54,213 --> 00:20:56,007
Does this mean you have,
like, powers and stuff?
545
00:20:56,007 --> 00:20:58,092
Yeah, but I probably
got to learn how to use them.
546
00:20:58,092 --> 00:20:59,552
Flip to the spells.
547
00:20:59,552 --> 00:21:01,095
- OK, spells, spells, spells.
- Spells, spells, spells.
548
00:21:01,095 --> 00:21:02,305
Wonder what my alignment is.
549
00:21:02,305 --> 00:21:04,307
- Chaotic good.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
550
00:21:04,307 --> 00:21:05,516
Good, but, like,
you know, I might
551
00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:07,018
fuck around a little bit.
- Yeah.
552
00:21:07,018 --> 00:21:09,062
Shit, we supposed
to have dice?
553
00:21:09,062 --> 00:21:12,065
[light music]
554
00:21:12,065 --> 00:21:13,900
♪ ♪
555
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,235
Hey, Matty, a Jew,
a Polack,
556
00:21:16,235 --> 00:21:17,904
and a Black guy
walk into a bar--
557
00:21:17,904 --> 00:21:19,572
- Oh, my fucking God. Really?
- Wow.
558
00:21:19,572 --> 00:21:21,157
Hey, watch the language.
559
00:21:21,157 --> 00:21:22,325
Tell your stupid truck that.
560
00:21:22,325 --> 00:21:23,993
He's telling racist jokes.
561
00:21:23,993 --> 00:21:25,369
I'm not racist.
562
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:26,662
The punch line wasn't gonna be
about the Black guy.
563
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:27,955
It was gonna be
about the Jew...
564
00:21:27,955 --> 00:21:30,124
and, to a lesser extent,
about the Polack
565
00:21:30,124 --> 00:21:32,251
and a little bit
about the Black guy's penis.
566
00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:33,795
- See?
- The point is,
567
00:21:33,795 --> 00:21:36,130
none of them knew how deep
the water was.
568
00:21:36,130 --> 00:21:37,965
Ow! Hey!
This is assault!
569
00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:39,300
I'm being assaulted here!
570
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,177
So much
for the nonviolent left.
571
00:21:41,177 --> 00:21:42,512
It's Christmas Eve.
572
00:21:42,512 --> 00:21:44,472
Can't we just have
a nice dinner together?
573
00:21:44,472 --> 00:21:45,932
Yes, we can.
574
00:21:45,932 --> 00:21:47,225
It's a beautiful ham,
Aunt Susan.
575
00:21:47,225 --> 00:21:48,518
Thank you.
576
00:21:48,518 --> 00:21:50,436
Yeah, everything looks
really great.
577
00:21:50,436 --> 00:21:51,854
Thank you, girls.
Thank you.
578
00:21:51,854 --> 00:21:53,147
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please.
579
00:21:53,147 --> 00:21:54,315
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
580
00:21:54,315 --> 00:21:55,400
What? What? What?
581
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,692
It's Christmas Eve.
582
00:21:56,692 --> 00:21:58,861
We got to say grace,
thank the Lord.
583
00:21:58,861 --> 00:22:00,822
- You're welcome.
- [sighs] Fine.
584
00:22:00,822 --> 00:22:02,573
Dennis, would you like
to do the honors?
585
00:22:02,573 --> 00:22:04,575
Absolutely.
Bow your heads.
586
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:07,286
- Dear Lord...
- Yes.
587
00:22:07,286 --> 00:22:08,913
- Thank you for this food...
- No problem.
588
00:22:08,913 --> 00:22:10,456
- And for these blessings...
- Anytime.
589
00:22:10,456 --> 00:22:11,624
- Make us thankful.
- On it.
590
00:22:11,624 --> 00:22:13,459
- And may we serve you--
- Mashed potatoes.
591
00:22:13,459 --> 00:22:15,294
What the fuck?
You want to say grace?
592
00:22:15,294 --> 00:22:16,421
Nah, I'd feel
like an asshole.
593
00:22:16,421 --> 00:22:17,714
Amen.
594
00:22:17,714 --> 00:22:20,007
Oh, that was
just beautiful, Dennis.
595
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:21,384
Now you can eat.
596
00:22:21,384 --> 00:22:23,177
Oh, yeah, thank you so much
for your permission.
597
00:22:23,177 --> 00:22:25,471
Hey, you know,
I hope the PC thought police
598
00:22:25,471 --> 00:22:27,223
over at that college
don't kick you out
599
00:22:27,223 --> 00:22:28,599
for praying to Jesus.
600
00:22:28,599 --> 00:22:29,934
You know,
70% of the world
601
00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:31,728
doesn't even believe
in Jesus.
602
00:22:31,728 --> 00:22:33,521
- I'll get them.
- Yeah, those are
603
00:22:33,521 --> 00:22:35,356
all the starving countries
with no food.
604
00:22:35,356 --> 00:22:38,860
Oh, so God loves Americans
more, is that the theory?
605
00:22:38,860 --> 00:22:40,737
Yeah, not for long
if Slick Willy
606
00:22:40,737 --> 00:22:42,989
fucks things up by putting gays
in the military.
607
00:22:42,989 --> 00:22:45,116
For God's sake,
what would Reagan say?
608
00:22:45,116 --> 00:22:46,325
[scoffs] Right now?
609
00:22:46,325 --> 00:22:47,910
Probably something
about choo-choo trains.
610
00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:50,204
Would anyone like
some mushroom caps?
611
00:22:50,204 --> 00:22:52,457
Uncle Matty, do you agree
with Dennis
612
00:22:52,457 --> 00:22:54,167
that gay people
shouldn't serve?
613
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:55,418
I think it's a bad idea.
614
00:22:55,418 --> 00:22:56,461
Why?
615
00:22:56,461 --> 00:22:57,754
You want to put a gay guy
616
00:22:57,754 --> 00:22:59,881
in a barracks
with 20 regular guys?
617
00:22:59,881 --> 00:23:01,758
What happens
when they all got to shower?
618
00:23:01,758 --> 00:23:03,593
I don't know, Matty.
What happens?
619
00:23:03,593 --> 00:23:04,802
Plus, the Bible says
620
00:23:04,802 --> 00:23:06,512
no butt stuff,
or you go to hell.
621
00:23:06,512 --> 00:23:08,097
Hey, where's
the spell section?
622
00:23:08,097 --> 00:23:09,766
So it's immoral too?
623
00:23:09,766 --> 00:23:11,392
Gay people
should all go to hell,
624
00:23:11,392 --> 00:23:12,685
that's what you think?
625
00:23:12,685 --> 00:23:14,187
Listen, I don't care!
626
00:23:14,187 --> 00:23:16,314
Anybody can stick anything
anywhere they want,
627
00:23:16,314 --> 00:23:19,150
as long as it's not in the army
and not in my house.
628
00:23:19,150 --> 00:23:21,778
Well, then I guess Sarah
and I aren't welcome here.
629
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,030
What do you mean?
630
00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:27,784
Sarah and I are a couple.
631
00:23:27,784 --> 00:23:30,119
- Called it, Johnny.
- Motherfucker.
632
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:33,206
Blaire, I thought we were
gonna do this on January 3rd.
633
00:23:33,206 --> 00:23:35,041
Wait a minute.
634
00:23:35,041 --> 00:23:37,168
You--the two of you?
635
00:23:37,168 --> 00:23:38,878
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
636
00:23:38,878 --> 00:23:40,254
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
637
00:23:40,254 --> 00:23:41,631
What the fuck is this?
638
00:23:41,631 --> 00:23:43,174
What are you
gonna do about it?
639
00:23:43,174 --> 00:23:44,550
You're gay?
640
00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:46,761
- Fluid.
- What the hell does that mean?
641
00:23:46,761 --> 00:23:49,472
It means that I'm attracted
to personalities
642
00:23:49,472 --> 00:23:50,640
regardless of their gender.
643
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,725
Oh, Jesus Christ.
644
00:23:52,725 --> 00:23:54,143
You're attracted
to personalities,
645
00:23:54,143 --> 00:23:55,311
and you picked her?
646
00:23:55,311 --> 00:23:56,396
- Hey!
- Oh, fuck you.
647
00:23:56,396 --> 00:23:57,480
You've met six people.
648
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,648
It's that college.
649
00:23:58,648 --> 00:24:00,650
- It's that college!
- Oh, my God.
650
00:24:00,650 --> 00:24:01,818
Susan, what am I
always saying?
651
00:24:01,818 --> 00:24:03,486
College turns people gay.
652
00:24:03,486 --> 00:24:04,612
College
turns people gay.
653
00:24:04,612 --> 00:24:06,197
Absolutely right!
654
00:24:06,197 --> 00:24:08,699
Out there on the lawn
every weekend,
655
00:24:08,699 --> 00:24:10,368
tossing the Frisbee around.
656
00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:12,161
How the fuck is Frisbee gay?
657
00:24:12,161 --> 00:24:13,663
It's a sport
where nobody wins.
658
00:24:13,663 --> 00:24:15,081
It's only about the fun.
659
00:24:15,081 --> 00:24:16,249
So what?
660
00:24:16,249 --> 00:24:17,458
And what's this?
661
00:24:17,458 --> 00:24:19,377
What's this, doing this
all the time, huh?
662
00:24:19,377 --> 00:24:20,753
That's not a man's sport.
663
00:24:20,753 --> 00:24:22,296
You might as well
be on a balcony
664
00:24:22,296 --> 00:24:23,673
waving goodbye to your lover.
665
00:24:23,673 --> 00:24:25,091
Making those clap catches,
666
00:24:25,091 --> 00:24:26,718
like you're front row
at Elton John.
667
00:24:26,718 --> 00:24:28,344
Oh, the clap catch.
668
00:24:28,344 --> 00:24:30,596
Yeah, clap catching
your Wham-O Frisbee.
669
00:24:30,596 --> 00:24:31,764
You know
why it's called Wham-O?
670
00:24:31,764 --> 00:24:33,474
You turn around,
you bend over to pick up
671
00:24:33,474 --> 00:24:34,684
up your Frisbee,
and wham-o!
672
00:24:34,684 --> 00:24:35,977
Oh, you know what?
673
00:24:35,977 --> 00:24:37,562
You wish you were a Frisbee,
you little shit.
674
00:24:37,562 --> 00:24:39,981
And I'm so sorry
that our sexual orientation
675
00:24:39,981 --> 00:24:41,858
is so offensive to everyone.
676
00:24:41,858 --> 00:24:43,359
Merry fucking Christmas.
677
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:44,360
Come on, Sarah.
678
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:45,486
Blaire.
679
00:24:45,486 --> 00:24:46,487
Blaire, honey, wait.
680
00:24:46,487 --> 00:24:47,739
Thank you.
681
00:24:48,740 --> 00:24:50,825
Matty, please
apologize to her.
682
00:24:50,825 --> 00:24:52,994
- Me?
- Yes, you.
683
00:24:52,994 --> 00:24:55,079
She should be
apologizing to God.
684
00:24:55,079 --> 00:24:56,539
Oh, he says it's fine.
No worries.
685
00:24:56,539 --> 00:24:58,040
But it's the holidays.
686
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,834
I'm not gonna
apologize to her!
687
00:24:59,834 --> 00:25:02,503
She just made a spectacle
in front of the entire family
688
00:25:02,503 --> 00:25:04,297
and in front of the ham!
689
00:25:04,297 --> 00:25:05,757
Well, you know what?
690
00:25:05,757 --> 00:25:07,925
This is my ham, and you're not
having a piece of the ham
691
00:25:07,925 --> 00:25:09,343
until you say you're sorry.
692
00:25:09,343 --> 00:25:11,095
You know what?
I don't need any ham!
693
00:25:11,095 --> 00:25:13,639
I got all the Slim Jims I need
in the basement!
694
00:25:13,639 --> 00:25:15,349
Come on, Dennis.
- Good call, Buddy.
695
00:25:18,728 --> 00:25:21,731
All I wanted
was a nice Christmas.
696
00:25:26,027 --> 00:25:28,738
OK, what do you say we try
one of them spells, huh?
697
00:25:28,738 --> 00:25:30,615
Water into wine, here we go.
698
00:25:30,615 --> 00:25:33,076
Meka leka hi,
meka hiney ho.
699
00:25:33,076 --> 00:25:35,703
Meka leka hi,
meka chiney ho.
700
00:25:35,703 --> 00:25:37,789
All right, try it.
701
00:25:41,959 --> 00:25:43,753
- Still water.
- Fuck!
702
00:25:43,753 --> 00:25:44,921
Oh, you know what?
703
00:25:44,921 --> 00:25:46,297
It's 'cause
we don't have the wand.
704
00:25:50,635 --> 00:25:53,679
[soft music]
705
00:25:53,679 --> 00:25:59,310
♪ ♪
706
00:26:01,521 --> 00:26:04,023
[knock at door]
- [sighs]
707
00:26:04,023 --> 00:26:04,982
What?
708
00:26:06,609 --> 00:26:08,528
Hey, we brought you
some ham
709
00:26:08,528 --> 00:26:09,821
in case you're still hungry.
710
00:26:10,613 --> 00:26:12,657
- Where is it?
- Oh.
711
00:26:15,159 --> 00:26:17,912
Yeah, it's touching
a five, so...
712
00:26:17,912 --> 00:26:19,038
Oh, look at that.
713
00:26:19,038 --> 00:26:20,873
[grunts]
What do you guys want?
714
00:26:20,873 --> 00:26:22,667
We just wanted
to see how you're doing.
715
00:26:22,667 --> 00:26:24,711
- Shitty.
- Wait, you're leaving?
716
00:26:24,711 --> 00:26:26,337
Yeah, I thought
I'd go somewhere
717
00:26:26,337 --> 00:26:27,797
a little more tolerant,
718
00:26:27,797 --> 00:26:29,799
like Iran.
719
00:26:29,799 --> 00:26:31,968
Listen, Blaire,
720
00:26:31,968 --> 00:26:33,302
we just wanted to say,
you know,
721
00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:36,139
Teddy and I are totally cool
with you being--
722
00:26:36,139 --> 00:26:39,058
you know, just in case
you were wondering.
723
00:26:39,058 --> 00:26:41,060
I don't need your approval.
724
00:26:41,060 --> 00:26:42,395
No.
Yeah, I know that, but--
725
00:26:42,395 --> 00:26:45,898
No, I--sorry,
I get what you meant.
726
00:26:45,898 --> 00:26:47,650
Thanks.
- Cool.
727
00:26:47,650 --> 00:26:48,985
I mean, we love lesbians.
728
00:26:48,985 --> 00:26:50,278
Yeah, like, a lot.
729
00:26:50,278 --> 00:26:52,321
Like, we found some magazines
in the woods--
730
00:26:52,321 --> 00:26:54,449
I get it.
731
00:26:54,449 --> 00:26:57,410
Question--and I hope
I'm not out of line here--
732
00:26:57,410 --> 00:26:59,787
but is it 'cause--
733
00:26:59,787 --> 00:27:02,874
I mean, did you get a bad dick?
734
00:27:02,874 --> 00:27:05,251
Yeah, that's not
how it works.
735
00:27:05,251 --> 00:27:07,837
Look, I'm not 100%
one way or the other.
736
00:27:07,837 --> 00:27:11,382
I just--I'm attracted
to who I'm attracted to.
737
00:27:11,382 --> 00:27:14,010
Also, I got a bad dick.
[laughter]
738
00:27:14,010 --> 00:27:15,178
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's awesome.
739
00:27:15,178 --> 00:27:16,804
That's awesome.
- Ah, no.
740
00:27:16,804 --> 00:27:19,182
That's just a comedy freebie
for you guys.
741
00:27:19,182 --> 00:27:21,059
It's bullshit, all right?
- Thank you.
742
00:27:21,059 --> 00:27:22,643
Thank you
for the Christmas dick joke.
743
00:27:22,643 --> 00:27:24,103
[groans]
744
00:27:24,103 --> 00:27:25,563
Shit.
745
00:27:25,563 --> 00:27:27,315
I mean, how the fuck
am I supposed to share a house
746
00:27:27,315 --> 00:27:28,858
with somebody
who treats me like
747
00:27:28,858 --> 00:27:31,444
I have some fucking disease?
748
00:27:31,444 --> 00:27:33,696
Guess there's no chance
he's gonna apologize.
749
00:27:33,696 --> 00:27:34,906
You know, if I can offer
750
00:27:34,906 --> 00:27:36,866
a bit of Christly wisdom,
Blaire?
751
00:27:36,866 --> 00:27:39,368
You're smarter than he is,
752
00:27:39,368 --> 00:27:41,871
so you might have
to go talk to him.
753
00:27:41,871 --> 00:27:43,998
Oh, fuck that.
754
00:27:43,998 --> 00:27:46,042
I am not extending
an olive branch to somebody
755
00:27:46,042 --> 00:27:47,919
who's against basic equality.
756
00:27:47,919 --> 00:27:49,212
Well, that's
the thing, Blaire.
757
00:27:49,212 --> 00:27:51,214
I don't think he's really
even against anything.
758
00:27:51,214 --> 00:27:52,465
Think he just didn't want
to look stupid
759
00:27:52,465 --> 00:27:53,633
in front of his truck.
760
00:27:53,633 --> 00:27:55,551
[scoffs]
Listen to yourself!
761
00:27:55,551 --> 00:27:56,803
OK, then don't do it for Dad.
762
00:27:56,803 --> 00:27:58,221
Do it for Mom.
763
00:27:58,221 --> 00:28:00,014
Look, she's really
bummed out right now,
764
00:28:00,014 --> 00:28:02,058
and it's all just 'cause
Christmas is messed up.
765
00:28:02,058 --> 00:28:03,976
Look, I know
it's gonna suck, but--
766
00:28:03,976 --> 00:28:06,396
But it's like I say
in the book of Romulans:
767
00:28:06,396 --> 00:28:07,688
turn the other cheek.
768
00:28:07,688 --> 00:28:09,399
Do unto others.
769
00:28:09,399 --> 00:28:11,484
Say it, don't spray it.
770
00:28:11,484 --> 00:28:12,735
I'll have what she's having.
771
00:28:12,735 --> 00:28:13,945
You're an idiot.
772
00:28:13,945 --> 00:28:16,072
Oh, what do we say
to that, Apostle?
773
00:28:16,072 --> 00:28:17,949
- Four hell points.
- Four hell points.
774
00:28:17,949 --> 00:28:19,534
What the fuck
is a hell point?
775
00:28:19,534 --> 00:28:21,828
It's how I determine which
of my children, who I love,
776
00:28:21,828 --> 00:28:23,287
will be tortured forever.
777
00:28:23,287 --> 00:28:25,832
Oh, God.
778
00:28:25,832 --> 00:28:28,584
Ugh, all right,
all right, I'll--
779
00:28:28,584 --> 00:28:30,128
I'll talk to him.
780
00:28:31,421 --> 00:28:32,839
Usually a day or two
in traction--
781
00:28:32,839 --> 00:28:34,590
Now, wait a minute, Frank,
I'm the doctor here.
782
00:28:34,590 --> 00:28:36,509
I thought
I was the doctor here.
783
00:28:36,509 --> 00:28:37,969
Actually,
we're all doctors here.
784
00:28:37,969 --> 00:28:39,387
Even the patient's
a doctor here.
785
00:28:39,387 --> 00:28:41,264
Hear, hear.
786
00:28:41,264 --> 00:28:43,558
Will you clowns
act like professionals?
787
00:28:43,558 --> 00:28:44,809
All right, I got one for you.
788
00:28:44,809 --> 00:28:46,728
So an airplane's
about to crash, right?
789
00:28:46,728 --> 00:28:49,605
A woman stands up, takes off
her clothes, and yells,
790
00:28:49,605 --> 00:28:50,815
we're all gonna die!
791
00:28:50,815 --> 00:28:52,692
Someone make me feel
like a real woman!
792
00:28:52,692 --> 00:28:54,652
The guy sitting next to her
takes off his shirt,
793
00:28:54,652 --> 00:28:56,612
and he says, here, iron this.
794
00:28:56,612 --> 00:28:58,948
- [cackles]
- Right?
795
00:28:58,948 --> 00:29:00,950
Yeah, right.
- That's a good one.
796
00:29:00,950 --> 00:29:03,453
Yeah, see, that's how
it's gonna be down here.
797
00:29:03,453 --> 00:29:06,289
Just you and me and jokes
about chicks doing chores.
798
00:29:06,289 --> 00:29:07,582
Matty?
799
00:29:07,582 --> 00:29:10,626
Oh, boy, here comes
Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.
800
00:29:10,626 --> 00:29:13,755
[sighs] Dennis, I'd like
to talk to my uncle.
801
00:29:13,755 --> 00:29:14,964
Can you give us a second?
802
00:29:14,964 --> 00:29:16,799
Hey, anything
you want to say to me,
803
00:29:16,799 --> 00:29:18,509
you can say
in front of Dennis here.
804
00:29:18,509 --> 00:29:21,095
[sighs] Fine.
805
00:29:22,555 --> 00:29:26,851
Look, I don't expect us to
agree on politics, all right?
806
00:29:26,851 --> 00:29:28,978
That's just never gonna happen.
807
00:29:28,978 --> 00:29:31,606
But this isn't about politics.
808
00:29:31,606 --> 00:29:33,524
This is about who I am.
809
00:29:36,694 --> 00:29:38,863
Matty...
810
00:29:38,863 --> 00:29:41,824
like it or not,
we're family.
811
00:29:41,824 --> 00:29:43,326
I don't talk to my parents
anymore,
812
00:29:43,326 --> 00:29:45,828
so you and Aunt Suze
are all I've got.
813
00:29:45,828 --> 00:29:48,289
I don't want to lose you too.
814
00:29:48,289 --> 00:29:50,541
I'm your niece, and I just--
815
00:29:54,128 --> 00:29:56,214
I just think
it's really fucking shitty
816
00:29:56,214 --> 00:29:59,634
and unfair that you can't
accept me for who I am.
817
00:29:59,634 --> 00:30:03,054
Hey, it's Christmas Eve,
not Christmas Steve.
818
00:30:04,222 --> 00:30:06,099
So all the fucked-up things
that he says,
819
00:30:06,099 --> 00:30:08,726
is that really
what you think too?
820
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,313
Don't back down, Matty.
This is your house.
821
00:30:14,857 --> 00:30:16,776
Well, then I guess
you're an intolerant prick,
822
00:30:16,776 --> 00:30:18,653
just like he is.
823
00:30:18,653 --> 00:30:20,947
Have a good Christmas
with truck Hitler.
824
00:30:20,947 --> 00:30:22,240
I'm out of here.
825
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,829
Jesus, they always
bring up Hitler
826
00:30:27,829 --> 00:30:29,414
when they're losing
an argument.
827
00:30:29,414 --> 00:30:32,083
And by the way,
not everything he did was--
828
00:30:32,083 --> 00:30:33,835
I need another beer.
829
00:30:33,835 --> 00:30:35,628
Why didn't you tell her off?
830
00:30:35,628 --> 00:30:37,547
What the hell
was I supposed to say?
831
00:30:37,547 --> 00:30:40,133
You remind her who pays
the bills around here.
832
00:30:40,133 --> 00:30:42,218
You tell her to stop
giving God the finger.
833
00:30:42,218 --> 00:30:44,053
Ah.
You don't know nothing.
834
00:30:44,053 --> 00:30:45,388
Oh, no shit?
835
00:30:45,388 --> 00:30:47,849
Well, now I see
why Johnny's the way he is.
836
00:30:47,849 --> 00:30:49,434
What do you mean?
837
00:30:49,434 --> 00:30:50,810
Your son is 16.
838
00:30:50,810 --> 00:30:52,812
He ain't got a girlfriend.
He doesn't play sports.
839
00:30:52,812 --> 00:30:54,897
He spends all of his time
in his room with a teddy bear
840
00:30:54,897 --> 00:30:56,357
doing fuck knows what.
841
00:30:56,357 --> 00:30:57,942
For all you know, he's minty.
842
00:30:57,942 --> 00:30:59,068
Minty?
843
00:30:59,068 --> 00:31:00,403
What the fuck is minty?
844
00:31:00,403 --> 00:31:02,822
You know, he's trimming
the crust off the bread.
845
00:31:02,822 --> 00:31:03,906
What?
846
00:31:03,906 --> 00:31:05,158
He's raking his leaves
at night.
847
00:31:05,158 --> 00:31:06,909
He ain't throwing away
all his peach pits,
848
00:31:06,909 --> 00:31:07,994
if you know what I'm saying.
849
00:31:07,994 --> 00:31:09,412
I don't have a fucking clue.
850
00:31:09,412 --> 00:31:11,748
He's picking his eggshells
out of the compost.
851
00:31:11,748 --> 00:31:12,957
Come on, you know what I mean.
852
00:31:12,957 --> 00:31:14,417
Your kid's a cheese puncher.
853
00:31:14,417 --> 00:31:17,378
Hey, don't talk to me
about my son, you asshole!
854
00:31:17,378 --> 00:31:19,297
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
I'm the only one in this house
855
00:31:19,297 --> 00:31:20,840
who doesn't lie to you.
856
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,968
[indistinct chatter over TV]
857
00:31:28,222 --> 00:31:29,640
I know what I'm gonna do.
858
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:30,600
Great. Let's go.
859
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:31,684
You stay here.
860
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,107
Hey, can you change
the channel to the game?
861
00:31:41,194 --> 00:31:42,820
Ah, look at this.
862
00:31:42,820 --> 00:31:44,405
Fucking Clinton.
863
00:31:46,866 --> 00:31:48,785
You guys in separate beds?
864
00:31:48,785 --> 00:31:49,786
Yeah.
865
00:31:49,786 --> 00:31:51,079
Good.
866
00:32:09,430 --> 00:32:11,516
[sighs]
867
00:32:20,274 --> 00:32:21,692
[engine grinding]
868
00:32:36,499 --> 00:32:37,625
What?
869
00:32:42,755 --> 00:32:45,299
I grew up different.
870
00:32:48,594 --> 00:32:50,346
I'm--
871
00:32:50,346 --> 00:32:53,182
but I'm not
one of those guys.
872
00:32:54,892 --> 00:32:58,938
I mean, I don't understand
how you can do what you do...
873
00:32:58,938 --> 00:33:01,399
- OK.
- But--but--but...
874
00:33:06,654 --> 00:33:11,075
I don't want you
to feel unwelcome in my house.
875
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:13,703
Uh-huh.
876
00:33:16,164 --> 00:33:18,249
I'm not great
with this stuff.
877
00:33:19,625 --> 00:33:21,502
But...
878
00:33:22,587 --> 00:33:25,006
It's good
that you're here--
879
00:33:25,006 --> 00:33:26,424
for John.
880
00:33:27,592 --> 00:33:29,260
Sure.
881
00:33:31,054 --> 00:33:35,224
The other day, I farted,
and he said it was pungent.
882
00:33:35,224 --> 00:33:38,227
And I guess that's a word.
883
00:33:38,227 --> 00:33:41,564
So he's learning stuff
884
00:33:41,564 --> 00:33:43,107
with you around.
885
00:33:48,654 --> 00:33:51,240
And Christmas is just
a whole thing for Susan too.
886
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,368
So yeah, she wants you here.
887
00:34:01,501 --> 00:34:03,544
And I--
888
00:34:03,544 --> 00:34:06,672
I don't want to be
a shitty uncle.
889
00:34:06,672 --> 00:34:08,466
I'm sorry.
890
00:34:16,724 --> 00:34:20,603
I'm not the only one
you disrespected.
891
00:34:25,149 --> 00:34:27,276
Sarah...
892
00:34:27,276 --> 00:34:29,654
you're invited to Christmas.
893
00:34:31,364 --> 00:34:34,283
And I'm sorry that I
called you a terrorist.
894
00:34:34,283 --> 00:34:37,620
You--you never
called me that.
895
00:34:37,620 --> 00:34:39,914
Oh, that's right.
You were out of the room.
896
00:34:39,914 --> 00:34:41,874
[sighs]
897
00:34:41,874 --> 00:34:43,668
Well, what about Dennis?
898
00:34:49,924 --> 00:34:51,759
I guess he's got to go.
899
00:34:54,345 --> 00:34:56,806
Son of a bitch.
900
00:35:03,604 --> 00:35:04,605
Hey.
901
00:35:04,605 --> 00:35:05,857
Dennis?
902
00:35:07,233 --> 00:35:08,818
[shouts]
903
00:35:08,818 --> 00:35:10,111
[grunts]
904
00:35:10,111 --> 00:35:11,821
[yells]
905
00:35:11,821 --> 00:35:13,322
I'm the one
you're gonna get rid of,
906
00:35:13,322 --> 00:35:14,782
you piece-of-shit fuck face?
907
00:35:14,782 --> 00:35:17,660
Jesus, what the fuck
are you trying to do, kill me?
908
00:35:17,660 --> 00:35:20,455
I come to life for you,
and this is the thanks I get?
909
00:35:20,455 --> 00:35:21,914
Huh?
- [grunts]
910
00:35:21,914 --> 00:35:24,167
What have you got
to say for yourself?
911
00:35:24,167 --> 00:35:26,085
I don't want
to kick you out, Dennis,
912
00:35:26,085 --> 00:35:27,462
but my family comes first!
913
00:35:27,462 --> 00:35:29,672
Oh, come the fuck on.
914
00:35:30,339 --> 00:35:32,550
It ain't worked out with you
the way I thought it would.
915
00:35:32,550 --> 00:35:35,511
I backed you up every time,
just like you wanted.
916
00:35:35,511 --> 00:35:38,056
I didn't want to make
my niece cry, for God's sakes.
917
00:35:38,056 --> 00:35:39,432
Why you got to be such a prick?
918
00:35:39,432 --> 00:35:41,100
Oh, what,
so now you're on her side?
919
00:35:41,100 --> 00:35:42,685
I'm not on anybody's side.
920
00:35:42,685 --> 00:35:46,481
But... she's not hurting
anybody, God damn it.
921
00:35:46,481 --> 00:35:48,024
It's hurting society.
922
00:35:48,024 --> 00:35:51,027
This is why Kennedy blew
his own brains out in Dallas.
923
00:35:51,027 --> 00:35:52,236
What the fuck?
924
00:35:52,236 --> 00:35:53,529
Oh, don't be naive.
925
00:35:53,529 --> 00:35:54,781
What the hell
is your problem?
926
00:35:54,781 --> 00:35:56,616
Oh, oh, I'm the one
with the problem?
927
00:35:56,616 --> 00:35:58,701
Yeah. Why the fuck are you
digging in like this?
928
00:35:58,701 --> 00:36:00,495
I want to know.
- You want to know why, Matty?
929
00:36:00,495 --> 00:36:01,788
- Yeah.
- You want to know why?
930
00:36:01,788 --> 00:36:02,789
Why?
931
00:36:02,789 --> 00:36:04,832
Because I have thoughts
of men!
932
00:36:11,297 --> 00:36:12,423
What?
933
00:36:12,423 --> 00:36:15,385
I have thoughts of men.
934
00:36:16,386 --> 00:36:18,221
Sexual thoughts.
935
00:36:18,221 --> 00:36:21,349
I want to do to men
936
00:36:21,349 --> 00:36:23,601
what you want to do to women.
937
00:36:25,812 --> 00:36:28,398
- You're saying--
- I'm gay, Matty.
938
00:36:29,315 --> 00:36:30,691
I'm gay.
939
00:36:32,860 --> 00:36:34,028
Oh.
940
00:36:34,028 --> 00:36:36,572
God, I--
941
00:36:36,572 --> 00:36:38,616
I can't believe
I just said it.
942
00:36:39,450 --> 00:36:42,245
- Uh--
- Ah, shit!
943
00:36:42,245 --> 00:36:44,414
What the fuck
have I been doing?
944
00:36:44,414 --> 00:36:47,125
I've wasted
my whole goddamn life,
945
00:36:47,125 --> 00:36:50,378
three days down the drain,
946
00:36:50,378 --> 00:36:53,297
and I've never
allowed myself to love.
947
00:36:53,297 --> 00:36:54,716
[sobs, sniffles]
948
00:36:54,716 --> 00:36:56,884
- Well, I mean...
- [sobbing]
949
00:36:56,884 --> 00:36:57,927
You could always--
950
00:36:57,927 --> 00:36:59,470
Ah, it's too late now.
951
00:36:59,470 --> 00:37:01,723
I'm old and I'm rusty.
952
00:37:01,723 --> 00:37:03,725
I don't know what to do, Matty.
953
00:37:03,725 --> 00:37:07,311
I don't know what to do
or who to be or how to be it.
954
00:37:07,311 --> 00:37:10,481
[sobbing]
955
00:37:11,649 --> 00:37:13,317
Oh, God.
956
00:37:15,111 --> 00:37:16,446
When I was a kid...
957
00:37:16,446 --> 00:37:18,197
[dramatic music]
958
00:37:18,197 --> 00:37:19,824
You were always there for me.
959
00:37:19,824 --> 00:37:21,617
♪ ♪
960
00:37:21,617 --> 00:37:23,786
Well, I'm gonna
be there for you.
961
00:37:23,786 --> 00:37:27,165
[sobbing]
962
00:37:27,165 --> 00:37:34,338
♪ ♪
963
00:37:39,969 --> 00:37:42,180
I love you, pal.
964
00:37:42,180 --> 00:37:45,558
[sobbing]
965
00:37:45,558 --> 00:37:52,440
♪ ♪
966
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:54,275
So I guess this is it.
967
00:37:54,275 --> 00:37:55,818
Yeah.
968
00:37:55,818 --> 00:37:57,195
Thanks, Dennis.
969
00:37:57,195 --> 00:37:59,280
For what?
970
00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:01,532
All those years growing up.
971
00:38:02,700 --> 00:38:04,619
Mom and Dad fighting
in the other room.
972
00:38:04,619 --> 00:38:06,871
Hell, fighting
in the same room.
973
00:38:08,414 --> 00:38:10,750
Playing with you
was what got me through it.
974
00:38:10,750 --> 00:38:11,876
Nuh-uh.
975
00:38:11,876 --> 00:38:14,754
Thank you, Matty,
for being who you are.
976
00:38:14,754 --> 00:38:16,672
I don't think there's
a more tolerant man
977
00:38:16,672 --> 00:38:18,383
in the greater Boston area.
978
00:38:18,383 --> 00:38:20,593
That's probably true.
979
00:38:20,593 --> 00:38:22,678
You sure you don't want
a sweater, Dennis?
980
00:38:22,678 --> 00:38:24,722
No, no.
I work hard on my body.
981
00:38:24,722 --> 00:38:26,182
I want everyone to see it.
982
00:38:26,182 --> 00:38:27,558
So where you gonna go?
983
00:38:27,558 --> 00:38:28,851
I'm going to P-Town.
984
00:38:28,851 --> 00:38:30,478
Got a lot of catching up to do.
985
00:38:30,478 --> 00:38:33,147
Gonna be wild,
nonstop sucking, fucking,
986
00:38:33,147 --> 00:38:34,607
and trucking for this guy.
987
00:38:35,483 --> 00:38:37,110
Goodbye, Bennetts.
988
00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:40,071
[uplifting music]
989
00:38:40,071 --> 00:38:47,078
♪ ♪
990
00:38:55,169 --> 00:38:57,755
Well, I Jesus-ed
the shit out of that one.
991
00:38:57,755 --> 00:38:58,673
You?
992
00:38:58,673 --> 00:38:59,841
You didn't do anything.
993
00:38:59,841 --> 00:39:02,093
Eh, I worked
in mysterious ways.
994
00:39:02,093 --> 00:39:03,344
How?
995
00:39:03,344 --> 00:39:05,304
Where there was only
one set of footprints,
996
00:39:05,304 --> 00:39:06,681
that's where I carried you.
997
00:39:06,681 --> 00:39:09,016
You watched 18 hours
of TV yesterday.
998
00:39:09,016 --> 00:39:10,101
You barely moved.
999
00:39:10,101 --> 00:39:12,437
When it most appears
I'm not Jesus,
1000
00:39:12,437 --> 00:39:13,938
that's when you need faith.
1001
00:39:13,938 --> 00:39:16,441
Ted, you do know
what happened to Jesus, right?
1002
00:39:16,441 --> 00:39:18,401
Yeah, he gave back
the Gobstopper,
1003
00:39:18,401 --> 00:39:19,902
and they gave him
the chocolate factory.
1004
00:39:19,902 --> 00:39:21,070
I mean, I think
that's what happened.
1005
00:39:21,070 --> 00:39:22,822
I'm reading, like,
two books at once.
1006
00:39:22,822 --> 00:39:25,491
They nailed him to the cross
and crucified him for our sins.
1007
00:39:25,491 --> 00:39:26,534
Wait, what?
1008
00:39:26,534 --> 00:39:27,744
It was so nice of him
1009
00:39:27,744 --> 00:39:30,329
to let them do that
for us, wasn't it?
1010
00:39:30,329 --> 00:39:32,039
- They killed him?
- Yeah.
1011
00:39:32,039 --> 00:39:34,333
Oh, shit.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
1012
00:39:34,333 --> 00:39:36,127
Wait, maybe I'm Buddha.
1013
00:39:36,127 --> 00:39:37,837
Buddha was lazy, right?
1014
00:39:37,837 --> 00:39:39,338
♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪
1015
00:39:39,338 --> 00:39:40,882
This is a lot of good shit.
1016
00:39:40,882 --> 00:39:42,759
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.
1017
00:39:42,759 --> 00:39:44,844
Oh, you're welcome,
John-John.
1018
00:39:44,844 --> 00:39:46,262
Hey, thanks for this, Johnny.
1019
00:39:46,262 --> 00:39:47,555
I been wanting a Talkboy.
1020
00:39:47,555 --> 00:39:50,141
Now I can record
all my thoughts.
1021
00:39:50,141 --> 00:39:52,018
Douche.
1022
00:39:52,018 --> 00:39:53,186
Douche.
1023
00:39:53,186 --> 00:39:54,645
Now I won't forget.
1024
00:39:54,645 --> 00:39:57,356
Blaire, open that one up.
That one's from me.
1025
00:39:57,356 --> 00:40:01,152
♪ Walking
in a winter wonderland ♪
1026
00:40:01,152 --> 00:40:02,612
Gingerly.
1027
00:40:02,612 --> 00:40:07,658
♪ Gone away
is the bluebird ♪
1028
00:40:07,658 --> 00:40:09,911
Oh... wow.
1029
00:40:09,911 --> 00:40:11,621
I know how much
you girls love
1030
00:40:11,621 --> 00:40:15,083
those "Beverly Hills 90210"
boys.
1031
00:40:15,083 --> 00:40:17,001
Ian Ziering.
1032
00:40:17,001 --> 00:40:18,711
Thank you.
1033
00:40:18,711 --> 00:40:19,879
It's for your room.
1034
00:40:19,879 --> 00:40:21,798
Yeah, no,
I know what it's for.
1035
00:40:21,798 --> 00:40:23,549
Thank you, Aunt Suze.
1036
00:40:23,549 --> 00:40:25,301
Should we go
hang it up right now?
1037
00:40:25,301 --> 00:40:27,845
Oh, you know what?
1038
00:40:27,845 --> 00:40:29,180
I want to think really hard
1039
00:40:29,180 --> 00:40:30,807
about where I want to put it,
you know?
1040
00:40:30,807 --> 00:40:32,266
- OK.
- It's just too special, so...
1041
00:40:32,266 --> 00:40:33,643
All right.
1042
00:40:33,643 --> 00:40:34,811
You happy, Susan?
1043
00:40:34,811 --> 00:40:37,313
Oh, Matty, I'm so happy.
I love it.
1044
00:40:37,313 --> 00:40:40,483
Yeah, they said this one
had the most sucking power.
1045
00:40:40,483 --> 00:40:42,652
I'm sure
it sucks wonderfully.
1046
00:40:42,652 --> 00:40:44,362
[laughter]
1047
00:40:44,362 --> 00:40:46,614
Oh, you know what?
1048
00:40:46,614 --> 00:40:49,075
I almost forgot.
1049
00:40:49,075 --> 00:40:50,076
There's one more.
1050
00:40:50,076 --> 00:40:53,704
♪ When you're in town ♪
1051
00:40:53,704 --> 00:40:59,460
♪ Later on, we'll conspire ♪
1052
00:40:59,460 --> 00:41:01,170
♪ As we dream ♪
1053
00:41:01,170 --> 00:41:02,630
Merry Christmas, Susan.
1054
00:41:02,630 --> 00:41:06,509
♪ By the fire ♪
1055
00:41:06,509 --> 00:41:13,015
♪ To face unafraid
the plans that we made ♪
1056
00:41:13,015 --> 00:41:17,353
♪ Walking
in a winter wonderland ♪
1057
00:41:17,353 --> 00:41:19,147
[gasps]
1058
00:41:19,147 --> 00:41:21,149
♪ ♪
1059
00:41:21,149 --> 00:41:23,860
A karaoke machine!
1060
00:41:23,860 --> 00:41:27,697
Yeah, I figured
you could sing...
1061
00:41:27,697 --> 00:41:30,366
you know, your solo.
1062
00:41:30,366 --> 00:41:32,201
♪ ♪
1063
00:41:32,201 --> 00:41:34,704
I love you so much.
1064
00:41:34,704 --> 00:41:38,040
Oh, honey, thank you.
1065
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,333
Oh.
1066
00:41:39,333 --> 00:41:42,295
["Silent Night" playing]
1067
00:41:42,295 --> 00:41:48,217
♪ ♪
1068
00:41:48,217 --> 00:41:52,680
♪ Silent night ♪
1069
00:41:52,680 --> 00:41:57,310
♪ Holy night ♪
1070
00:41:57,310 --> 00:42:01,689
♪ All is calm ♪
1071
00:42:01,689 --> 00:42:06,027
♪ All is bright ♪
1072
00:42:06,027 --> 00:42:10,698
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
1073
00:42:10,698 --> 00:42:15,286
♪ Mother and child ♪
1074
00:42:15,286 --> 00:42:18,915
♪ Holy infant ♪
1075
00:42:18,915 --> 00:42:24,087
♪ So tender and mild ♪
1076
00:42:24,087 --> 00:42:28,758
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
1077
00:42:28,758 --> 00:42:33,262
♪ Peace ♪
1078
00:42:33,262 --> 00:42:34,847
♪ Sleep ♪
1079
00:42:34,847 --> 00:42:41,479
♪ In heavenly peace ♪
1080
00:42:42,188 --> 00:42:44,774
[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
1081
00:42:44,774 --> 00:42:49,112
♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪
1082
00:42:49,112 --> 00:42:52,365
♪ And yet, alas,
that someone adores you ♪
1083
00:42:52,365 --> 00:42:53,950
♪ ♪
1084
00:42:53,950 --> 00:42:57,662
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
1085
00:42:57,662 --> 00:43:00,415
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
1086
00:43:00,415 --> 00:43:03,710
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
1087
00:43:03,710 --> 00:43:07,130
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
1088
00:43:07,130 --> 00:43:13,428
♪ But you just don't care
'cause your ♪
1089
00:43:13,428 --> 00:43:15,263
♪ Best friend is me ♪
1090
00:43:15,263 --> 00:43:22,228
♪ ♪