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{\an8}[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
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{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
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{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
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{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
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{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
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{\an8}[jazzy music]
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{\an8}♪ ♪
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{\an8}All right.
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{\an8}We have come to the final unit
here in health class--
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{\an8}sexual education.
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{\an8}Now, this is
mature subject matter,
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{\an8}and I expect you all
to handle it with maturity
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{\an8}like the young adults
you are becoming.
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{\an8}I'm scared, Teddy.
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{\an8}What if he shows us a diagram
of a vagina and I get a boner?
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{\an8}Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.
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{\an8}The sooner you wrap your head
around that, the better.
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{\an8}Sexual intercourse is
a physical expression
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{\an8}of love and affection
that is perfectly natural
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{\an8}and often deadly.
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{\an8}Sexually transmitted
diseases include
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{\an8}gonorrhea, HIV,
herpes, chlamydia,
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{\an8}HPV, hepatitis A through C--
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{\an8}♪ JFK, blown away,
what else do I have to say? ♪
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{\an8}[laughter]
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
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{\an8}Ted, knock it off!
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{\an8}See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
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{\an8}To avoid
sexually transmitted disease,
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{\an8}it is important
to practice safe sex.
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{\an8}Now, who can tell me
what the safest sex of all is?
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{\an8}No one?
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{\an8}Masturbation.
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{\an8}Hey, if you're gonna
assign homework,
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{\an8}Johnny already did it
this morning.
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{\an8}Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!
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{\an8}- He's doing extra credit.
- Be quiet!
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{\an8}- Stop it!
- Oh!
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{\an8}You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.
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{\an8}Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?
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{\an8}Well, it all begins
with biology.
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{\an8}- Aw, here we go.
- Let's start
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{\an8}with the female
reproductive system.
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{\an8}Oh, no.
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{\an8}Holy shit.
That's fast, even for you.
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{\an8}[bell rings]
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{\an8}Well, I'm glad
that's over, huh?
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{\an8}I know, that was like
sex ed for babies.
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{\an8}What?
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{\an8}I mean, you're
really gonna talk
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{\an8}about masturbation
and leave out edging?
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{\an8}Seriously.
He didn't even talk about
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{\an8}how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.
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{\an8}Did you see how
when I brought up rimming,
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{\an8}he flipped to the glossary?
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{\an8}[both chuckling]
- Wait, you t--
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{\an8}you two have had sex?
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{\an8}[sarcastically] No.
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{\an8}I'm felching my own jizz.
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{\an8}Pfft! Duh, we're 16.
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{\an8}When? With who?
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{\an8}A few weeks ago,
with each other.
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{\an8}We didn't want to be
the last ones in school
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{\an8}to lose our virginity.
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{\an8}Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
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{\an8}No. Right, of course.
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{\an8}How--how lame would
that be, right?
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{\an8}Wow, I didn't even know
you two guys were dating.
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{\an8}Andrew, I thought you were gay.
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I don't know.
Might be.
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I just know I'm not
a fucking loser.
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You're so confident.
I love it.
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Let's go
to the computer room.
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We can do it
on the Oregon Trail.
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Holy shit, Teddy,
do you know what this means?
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I'm the last virgin in school.
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What about Ben Carness?
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No, he slept
with his math teacher.
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That's why she got fired.
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I thought she got fired
for giving him angel dust.
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Yeah, Teddy,
I think that was the trade.
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Oh.
Oh, wow--
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oh, yeah,
well, then that's a mess.
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Anyway, dude,
this is serious.
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I need to hurry up
and have sex with somebody
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before people find out
and I'm humiliated.
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You're right.
We gotta find a buyer.
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Fresh penis!
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Get your fresh penis here!
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Ted, Jesus Christ!
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This penis used to belong
to a little old lady
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who only fucked it on Sundays!
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Still has that new penis smell!
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Will you shut up?
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All right,
I'm just trying to help.
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♪ ♪
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Okay, what about Talia?
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Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.
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Hey, you don't know that.
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You ever seen the guys
she dates, Johnny?
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They're brooding degenerates.
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They paint their nails.
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Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?
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I could paint my nails.
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Oh, ok--oh, you want
to be nail-painting guy?
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Okay, get ready
to never be funny.
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No more jokes.
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You never get
to make a joke again.
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Why not?
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Nail-paint guy
is very serious.
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If you're on a cruise
and you spot
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the captain bringing
a lady passenger
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back to his cabin,
what do you say?
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Well, you say,
"Thar she blows."
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No, you don't.
You say, "Good for them."
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You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this fucked-up world,"
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'cause you got painted nails.
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Wait, can I--can I say,
"Shiver me timbers"?
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No, you cannot.
No jokes.
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Only finger colors.
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[door opens]
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Oh, hey, Blaire.
Hey, you think
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one of your college friends
would be willing
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to have sex with John?
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[sarcastically]
Yeah, every lit major wants
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to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.
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Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.
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You got any friends like that?
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Okay, why are you
asking me this?
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'Cause I'm the last virgin
in my class.
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Come on,
your friends are always
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trying to do good in the world.
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How about one of 'em
takes a break
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from feeding the hungry
to fuck the desperate?
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Yeah, no.
I'm not helping you.
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God, I'm pathetic.
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Ah, come on.
There's a lot of cool virgins.
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The Flying Nun,
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Richie Rich,
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the Lincoln Memorial...
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That yearbook.
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I've never had sex,
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never had a girlfriend.
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Fuck, I've never even
kissed anybody.
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You kissed Michael Dukakis
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at that parade
when you were nine.
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Yeah, that doesn't count.
He kissed me.
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It was passionate enough
that they ran it in the paper.
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Look, don't worry, Johnny.
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There's a lot of alleys
in Boston.
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One of them's gotta
have a glory hole.
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And if it doesn't,
we're going to Worcester.
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Look at all these
welfare queens.
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See, tha-that's the problem
with this country.
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Everybody expects
everything handed to them
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on a silver platter.
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Hey, guys.
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Um, can I talk to you
about something?
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You want a tuna sandwich?
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No, I'm--I'm okay.
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Um...
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it's about John.
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Uh, I think he might be
on the verge of--
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Well, I--I think
he's interested
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in becoming sexually active.
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What do you mean?
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Well, I don't really know
how I can be clearer than that.
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Um, have you guys ever talked
to John a-about sex?
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Course not.
He's only 16.
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Talking about sex is rude.
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So you're gonna rely
on a gym teacher
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and a horny teddy bear?
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I mean, how do you
expect him to learn
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what he needs to know?
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When you get drafted,
they show you a film.
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Look, I get it can be
an awkward conversation,
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but it's really important.
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Tony Randall was in it.
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You're
absolutely right, Blaire.
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You know what I'm gonna do?
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I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth
from "The Globe,"
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and I'll slide it
under his door.
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Guys, there's
nothing shameful
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about human sexuality.
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You've never been
in a strip club
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when the lights come on.
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And neither have I.
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Matty, this isn't
a joke, okay?
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He needs to know this stuff.
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Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.
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And I'm telling you,
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as somebody who knows him
really well,
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it's the right time.
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Okay, I think
you're trying to avoid
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an uncomfortable conversation,
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and honestly,
that's selfish of you.
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All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.
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Jesus.
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Your period coming in
or something?
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00:06:47,408 --> 00:06:50,244
I--what?
202
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,080
- Forget it.
- Coming in?
203
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:53,790
Like it's my fucking
adult teeth?
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00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:55,583
- Forget I brought it up.
- Fuck, it sounds like
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you need the talk, not him.
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Do you have any idea
how a period actually works?
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00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,089
I know enough.
208
00:07:01,089 --> 00:07:02,465
No one's ever explained it
to you, have they?
209
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:03,883
I tried once,
210
00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:06,344
but Matty said it was
too close to the holidays.
211
00:07:06,344 --> 00:07:08,054
Oh, my God.
Aunt Suze,
212
00:07:08,054 --> 00:07:09,931
think about your son,
all right?
213
00:07:09,931 --> 00:07:11,307
Don't you want John to grow up
214
00:07:11,307 --> 00:07:13,309
to be a sexually healthy adult?
215
00:07:13,309 --> 00:07:15,520
Blaire, language.
216
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,397
My parents never talked
to me about sex.
217
00:07:17,397 --> 00:07:20,191
I figured it all out on my own,
and I'm doing just fine.
218
00:07:22,819 --> 00:07:24,570
We'll talk to John.
219
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♪ ♪
220
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[knock on door]
221
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,204
Come in.
222
00:07:34,372 --> 00:07:35,331
John?
223
00:07:35,331 --> 00:07:36,666
Yeah?
224
00:07:36,666 --> 00:07:37,875
Are you alone?
225
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,293
Yeah.
Yeah, Teddy went
226
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:40,586
to the store to get Doritos.
227
00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,964
Oh, we have Doritos
here at the house, honey.
228
00:07:42,964 --> 00:07:45,174
- We do?
- Oh, yeah, always.
229
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,926
Oh, that's right.
We're trash.
230
00:07:46,926 --> 00:07:48,678
John, your father and I,
231
00:07:48,678 --> 00:07:52,640
we want to talk to you
about something.
232
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,226
It's a private thing.
233
00:07:55,226 --> 00:07:56,227
What is it?
234
00:08:00,231 --> 00:08:02,233
John,
235
00:08:02,233 --> 00:08:08,573
sometimes when two grown-ups
are married,
236
00:08:08,573 --> 00:08:11,200
and they're in a bed,
237
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,578
and it's nighttime,
238
00:08:13,578 --> 00:08:17,749
they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.
239
00:08:17,749 --> 00:08:19,542
Jesus Christ, Susan!
240
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:20,626
It's like this, John.
241
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:22,170
Men and women have
different parts,
242
00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:24,630
and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.
243
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,257
Just give the motor
a minute to warm up.
244
00:08:26,257 --> 00:08:28,051
If you gun it,
you're gonna blow a gasket,
245
00:08:28,051 --> 00:08:30,261
seize up, and you're
looking at minimum a grand
246
00:08:30,261 --> 00:08:31,304
for a new engine block.
247
00:08:31,304 --> 00:08:33,222
That's sex.
248
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,640
Fuck me.
249
00:08:38,978 --> 00:08:40,730
John.
250
00:08:45,485 --> 00:08:50,740
Someday, when you're older,
251
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:54,077
you're gonna have
your first time,
252
00:08:54,077 --> 00:08:56,746
and it should
be special, honey.
253
00:08:56,746 --> 00:08:57,955
Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.
254
00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,500
I want it to be better
than my first time.
255
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:01,459
God, no, please don't--
256
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:04,087
It was 1974.
257
00:09:04,087 --> 00:09:07,173
And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's
258
00:09:07,173 --> 00:09:11,552
off the turnpike,
and things were moving quickly,
259
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:15,431
when suddenly there was
a news bulletin on the TV.
260
00:09:15,431 --> 00:09:18,226
Nixon had resigned.
261
00:09:18,226 --> 00:09:21,854
Oh, your father,
he was so distracted
262
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:23,815
and just so agitated and--
263
00:09:23,815 --> 00:09:25,525
Mom, really,
you don't have to do this.
264
00:09:25,525 --> 00:09:28,194
I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.
265
00:09:28,194 --> 00:09:30,446
He was too upset.
He just kept yelling,
266
00:09:30,446 --> 00:09:33,449
"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!
267
00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:36,119
They've won!
They've won!"
268
00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:37,787
[sighs]
269
00:09:37,787 --> 00:09:40,164
I hope this helped.
270
00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:47,255
♪ ♪
271
00:09:47,255 --> 00:09:50,800
[lighter flicking]
272
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,010
Ugh.
[exhales]
273
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,971
This fucking resin's
giving me a headache.
274
00:09:54,971 --> 00:09:56,681
Can't you call your guy?
275
00:09:56,681 --> 00:09:58,433
Ah, my guy won't
sell to me on Shabbat.
276
00:09:58,433 --> 00:09:59,434
Ah, shit.
277
00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:03,521
Teddy, what if
I'm a virgin forever?
278
00:10:03,521 --> 00:10:04,564
I mean, what do I do?
279
00:10:04,564 --> 00:10:06,107
[coughing]
Look,
280
00:10:06,107 --> 00:10:07,859
I know the glory hole thing
didn't work out,
281
00:10:07,859 --> 00:10:09,777
but at least we got
to see the city.
282
00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:11,237
We met that
friendly homeless guy
283
00:10:11,237 --> 00:10:13,197
who taught us a lesson
and then died.
284
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,616
Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?
285
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,076
Well, if it is,
you just gotta learn
286
00:10:17,076 --> 00:10:18,995
to live with the embarrassment.
287
00:10:18,995 --> 00:10:20,997
Yeah, I mean,
it could be worse.
288
00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:23,040
I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat
on his own balls
289
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,500
and had to go to the hospital.
290
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,210
- What?
- Yeah.
291
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,004
Yeah.
I mean, that's humiliation.
292
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:30,798
Like--like, Mr. Belvedere
from the TV show?
293
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:31,924
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
294
00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:33,051
He was riding in a convertible
295
00:10:33,051 --> 00:10:34,260
during the Hollywood
Christmas parade,
296
00:10:34,260 --> 00:10:36,471
fell backwards,
crushed his own balls.
297
00:10:36,471 --> 00:10:38,056
Jesus.
298
00:10:39,557 --> 00:10:41,976
Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade
299
00:10:41,976 --> 00:10:45,229
or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?
300
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:46,689
Oh, God,
I honestly don't know.
301
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,024
Yeah, that's
a tough one, right?
302
00:10:48,024 --> 00:10:49,275
That's a really tough one.
That's, like, one of
303
00:10:49,275 --> 00:10:50,359
the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.
304
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:51,527
I know.
That's, like, a brainteaser.
305
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:52,695
God, I'm too high
to think about that.
306
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:54,197
Yeah, it's a tough one.
307
00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,452
Okay, all right, fuck this.
308
00:10:59,452 --> 00:11:01,037
We gotta get some real weed.
309
00:11:01,037 --> 00:11:03,039
Hey, what about
Sheila Borgwardt?
310
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,290
What, like,
smoking-hot Sheila?
311
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,334
Yeah, remember,
she hooked us up before.
312
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,753
She sent us to that dealer
who turned out to be Blaire.
313
00:11:08,753 --> 00:11:10,088
Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.
314
00:11:10,088 --> 00:11:12,465
Well, it's just like
Homeless Joe said.
315
00:11:12,465 --> 00:11:13,549
Be careful what you wish...
316
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:14,884
[together] Agh, my heart.
317
00:11:14,884 --> 00:11:16,928
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he died.
318
00:11:16,928 --> 00:11:24,102
♪ ♪
319
00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:31,692
Oh. Hey.
320
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:32,735
Hey.
321
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:33,903
Ted, right?
322
00:11:33,903 --> 00:11:34,946
Yeah, that's right.
323
00:11:34,946 --> 00:11:36,906
Uh, hey, is your sister here?
324
00:11:36,906 --> 00:11:38,866
Uh, yeah.
325
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,369
Sheila, you got company!
326
00:11:41,369 --> 00:11:42,537
See you later.
327
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:48,584
John?
328
00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,044
Oh. Hi, Bethany.
329
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:51,796
Hi. How's it going?
330
00:11:51,796 --> 00:11:53,005
Uh, it's going good.
331
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:54,716
My, uh--
my teddy bear's upstairs
332
00:11:54,716 --> 00:11:55,717
buying drugs from your sister.
333
00:11:55,717 --> 00:11:57,260
Ah, nice.
334
00:12:00,304 --> 00:12:02,724
Wh--sex ed class was weird
the other day.
335
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:04,100
Oh, yeah, it was super weird.
336
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,685
Yeah, I still can't
get the image
337
00:12:05,685 --> 00:12:08,896
of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.
338
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,398
Oh, yeah, I know, right?
Like--
339
00:12:10,398 --> 00:12:12,400
like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,
340
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,069
and--and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,
341
00:12:15,069 --> 00:12:16,320
and then you get put
into the market,
342
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,406
and--and you're thinking
the whole time, like,
343
00:12:18,406 --> 00:12:21,451
oh, I hope I get to be made
into, like, a cream pie
344
00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:25,037
or, like,
used as a phone for humor.
345
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,456
And then you're just
sitting in our class,
346
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:28,332
pretending to be a dick.
347
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:30,835
Well, I-I gotta go.
348
00:12:30,835 --> 00:12:31,961
Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.
349
00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,046
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good to see you.
350
00:12:33,046 --> 00:12:35,131
See you later.
351
00:12:35,131 --> 00:12:36,549
You promise this is just
for you, right?
352
00:12:36,549 --> 00:12:38,634
'Cause I don't want
to get busted for enabling.
353
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:41,429
Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.
354
00:12:41,429 --> 00:12:43,973
Those guys need a buzz
to feel the music, you know.
355
00:12:43,973 --> 00:12:45,308
Me, I'm good when I'm straight.
356
00:12:45,308 --> 00:12:46,851
That's why I'm always
the one talking
357
00:12:46,851 --> 00:12:48,144
to management about payment.
358
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:49,437
You know, anything
logistic like that,
359
00:12:49,437 --> 00:12:50,730
it always falls on my--
- Yeah, yeah.
360
00:12:50,730 --> 00:12:51,856
You looking
for something mellow
361
00:12:51,856 --> 00:12:52,982
or something more potent?
362
00:12:52,982 --> 00:12:54,025
Well, my last guy gave me
363
00:12:54,025 --> 00:12:55,109
something that was pretty good.
364
00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,569
It was called
Confident Gorilla.
365
00:12:56,569 --> 00:12:58,321
You got any of that?
- I don't think so,
366
00:12:58,321 --> 00:13:01,783
but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.
367
00:13:01,783 --> 00:13:04,452
Ah, yeah, no, that--no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.
368
00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:05,453
Uh, uh, what else?
369
00:13:05,453 --> 00:13:06,579
Uh, let me look.
370
00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,665
So, Sheila,
371
00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:12,085
no offense, but you ever think
about doing something
372
00:13:12,085 --> 00:13:14,587
about that god-awful name?
373
00:13:18,424 --> 00:13:19,550
Got it.
374
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:20,635
Oh, hell yeah.
375
00:13:20,635 --> 00:13:22,011
Yeah, by the way, just FYI,
376
00:13:22,011 --> 00:13:24,013
Sheila is
her dead mother's name,
377
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:26,015
so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.
378
00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:27,934
Oh, man, Kafka Trip?
379
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,185
Isn't this the stuff
that made me think
380
00:13:29,185 --> 00:13:30,937
the Land O'Lakes lady
was mad at me?
381
00:13:30,937 --> 00:13:32,522
Well, she only had
a few other batches.
382
00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:36,275
Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,
383
00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:39,195
What Was That,
and Why Won't The Pee Start.
384
00:13:39,195 --> 00:13:40,696
- Yikes.
- All right, go on.
385
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:41,823
Put it in your bag.
386
00:13:41,823 --> 00:13:43,199
Hey!
387
00:13:43,199 --> 00:13:45,243
Hey, we need that pot,
you motherfucker!
388
00:13:46,494 --> 00:13:49,080
[both grunting]
389
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,998
Get off me!
390
00:13:55,545 --> 00:13:56,921
Jesus, nice save!
391
00:13:56,921 --> 00:13:58,464
Man, fuck that guy.
392
00:13:58,464 --> 00:14:00,258
We should call
the fucking cops.
393
00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:03,344
Yeah, maybe--maybe
under the circumstances, no.
394
00:14:03,344 --> 00:14:05,221
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
395
00:14:05,221 --> 00:14:07,682
Oh, hey, Bethany.
396
00:14:07,682 --> 00:14:09,308
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
397
00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:12,061
I can't believe you did that.
That was so cool!
398
00:14:12,061 --> 00:14:13,855
No, I was just reacting
in the moment.
399
00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:14,939
It's not that big a deal.
400
00:14:14,939 --> 00:14:17,066
No, that took guts.
401
00:14:17,066 --> 00:14:19,736
You're, like, kind of awesome.
402
00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:21,696
Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,
403
00:14:21,696 --> 00:14:23,656
you can do anything
you put your mind to.
404
00:14:23,656 --> 00:14:27,577
I have swim practice
tomorrow afternoon,
405
00:14:27,577 --> 00:14:33,207
but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?
406
00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:36,919
Maybe see a movie
or get food or whatever?
407
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,839
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
408
00:14:39,839 --> 00:14:41,007
Want to pick me up at 7:00?
409
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:42,633
Definitely.
410
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,844
Cool.
411
00:14:44,844 --> 00:14:46,095
See ya.
412
00:14:48,806 --> 00:14:50,600
Holy shit, I got a date.
413
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,601
A date?
414
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:53,102
Johnny, look
at the big picture.
415
00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:54,937
This is your chance
to have sex.
416
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:55,980
What, you think so?
417
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:57,273
She called you "cool."
418
00:14:57,273 --> 00:14:58,900
Chicks have sex with cool guys.
419
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,276
Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
420
00:15:00,276 --> 00:15:01,944
Fuck "maybe."
Trust me on this.
421
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,739
We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.
422
00:15:04,739 --> 00:15:06,240
And I will guide you.
423
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,910
I will be...
[grunting]
424
00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:10,787
Your Master Yoda.
425
00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:12,038
I mean, I guess I could try.
426
00:15:12,038 --> 00:15:14,290
Screw or screw not.
There is no try.
427
00:15:14,290 --> 00:15:15,958
Now, let's get you
some exercise.
428
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,752
Run, Johnny, run! Run!
429
00:15:17,752 --> 00:15:20,713
"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows
from the Force,
430
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:22,131
but beware the dark side."
431
00:15:22,131 --> 00:15:24,425
I mean, unless
she says it's okay.
432
00:15:28,721 --> 00:15:32,183
[jazzy music]
433
00:15:32,183 --> 00:15:33,935
♪ ♪
434
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:35,186
Are we sure about this?
435
00:15:35,186 --> 00:15:36,396
Look, you gotta have condoms
436
00:15:36,396 --> 00:15:37,855
locked and loaded on your date.
437
00:15:37,855 --> 00:15:39,399
When you get--well, you know,
438
00:15:39,399 --> 00:15:41,859
maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.
439
00:15:41,859 --> 00:15:44,028
There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.
440
00:15:44,028 --> 00:15:46,739
Well, which one
speaks to you?
441
00:15:46,739 --> 00:15:48,241
Maybe these?
442
00:15:48,241 --> 00:15:49,700
"Ribbed for her pleasure"?
443
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,828
Good choice.
And you want to know a trick?
444
00:15:51,828 --> 00:15:54,831
You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.
445
00:15:54,831 --> 00:15:56,082
You can do that?
446
00:15:56,082 --> 00:15:57,166
Oh, yeah, she'll be like,
447
00:15:57,166 --> 00:15:58,459
where's the pleasure?
448
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,586
And you'll be like,
uh, uh, uh, I don't know.
449
00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:02,588
Uh, I didn't know
there was any pleasure.
450
00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:04,924
Can I help you young men
pick out a condom?
451
00:16:04,924 --> 00:16:06,509
Uh, no.
452
00:16:06,509 --> 00:16:08,428
Act-actually, we were--
we were just leaving.
453
00:16:08,428 --> 00:16:09,804
Oh, please don't go.
454
00:16:09,804 --> 00:16:11,597
One of the joys
of my job is pairing
455
00:16:11,597 --> 00:16:13,349
the right young man
with the right condom.
456
00:16:13,349 --> 00:16:15,435
Oh, that's... normal.
457
00:16:15,435 --> 00:16:17,603
Well, I don't really know
what I want.
458
00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:19,230
Well, tell me about the girl.
459
00:16:19,230 --> 00:16:21,941
Um, she's got
medium brown hair,
460
00:16:21,941 --> 00:16:23,151
average height.
461
00:16:23,151 --> 00:16:24,819
I-I think she might be
on the swim team.
462
00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:26,738
I see. Jewish?
463
00:16:26,738 --> 00:16:28,156
I don't think so.
464
00:16:28,156 --> 00:16:30,158
Well, that rules these out.
465
00:16:30,158 --> 00:16:31,576
What about community activism?
466
00:16:31,576 --> 00:16:32,910
Does she do any charity work?
467
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,163
I--I honestly don't know.
468
00:16:36,956 --> 00:16:38,332
Why don't you try a Ramses?
469
00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:41,377
Sturdy, solid,
made for all kinds of weather,
470
00:16:41,377 --> 00:16:43,671
can withstand
over 300 pounds of torque.
471
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:46,090
Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?
472
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,884
Uh, thank you.
473
00:16:47,884 --> 00:16:49,218
I just want to say,
I've been watching
474
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:50,470
you shop here for years.
475
00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:52,472
I've been waiting for this day.
476
00:16:52,472 --> 00:16:55,933
Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...
477
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,477
[whispers] Congratulations.
478
00:16:57,477 --> 00:16:59,228
I need an adult!
I need an adult!
479
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:00,521
It's okay.
It's all right, Johnny.
480
00:17:00,521 --> 00:17:01,731
It's all right.
Look, uh, here you go, buddy.
481
00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:02,732
Keep the extra.
482
00:17:02,732 --> 00:17:04,025
Hey! You!
483
00:17:04,025 --> 00:17:05,359
Get away from that kid!
484
00:17:06,861 --> 00:17:08,613
Now, how can I help you?
485
00:17:10,323 --> 00:17:14,160
♪ ♪
486
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,995
Okay, now, I'm gonna
time you on this.
487
00:17:15,995 --> 00:17:17,246
This feels weird.
488
00:17:17,246 --> 00:17:19,040
Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,
489
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,166
she's gonna know
you're a virgin.
490
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:21,292
Shit, really?
491
00:17:21,292 --> 00:17:22,251
Trust me, all right?
492
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:23,753
Now take it off.
493
00:17:23,753 --> 00:17:25,838
Okay.
494
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:27,090
What are you doing?
495
00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:28,174
Well, I'm not gonna
make it easy for you.
496
00:17:28,174 --> 00:17:29,175
You gotta work for it.
497
00:17:29,175 --> 00:17:30,551
Jesus.
498
00:17:32,345 --> 00:17:34,347
Jesus Christ, Teddy,
just let me do the clasp.
499
00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:35,723
Oh, no, you gotta earn it.
500
00:17:35,723 --> 00:17:38,059
All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive
501
00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:39,727
and I'm your secretary.
Go.
502
00:17:39,727 --> 00:17:42,188
[high-pitched] Mr. Bennett,
Mr. Bennett, control yourself!
503
00:17:42,188 --> 00:17:44,857
For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett,
you're a married man!
504
00:17:44,857 --> 00:17:46,150
Teddy, come on!
505
00:17:46,150 --> 00:17:47,527
Who's Teddy?
I'm Debra.
506
00:17:47,527 --> 00:17:49,404
I just moved to the big city
507
00:17:49,404 --> 00:17:50,988
with nothing but a suitcase
full of dreams
508
00:17:50,988 --> 00:17:53,116
and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.
509
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:54,951
Uh, hi.
510
00:17:54,951 --> 00:17:56,661
What the hell are you doing
in my bra?
511
00:17:56,661 --> 00:17:59,163
The question is, what
am I still doing in your bra.
512
00:17:59,163 --> 00:18:00,873
Johnny?
513
00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:02,667
I've got a date
with Bethany Borgwardt,
514
00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:04,210
and I'm--
515
00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:06,045
I'm practicing
in case we have sex.
516
00:18:06,045 --> 00:18:08,548
Practicing what?
517
00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:10,425
I want her to think
I'm experienced,
518
00:18:10,425 --> 00:18:12,301
you know,
like I've done it a lot.
519
00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:13,678
Okay.
520
00:18:13,678 --> 00:18:16,723
Well, I do have some thoughts
on the topic.
521
00:18:16,723 --> 00:18:19,726
Uh, one, whoever this girl is,
522
00:18:19,726 --> 00:18:21,018
she's not gonna want
to have sex with you
523
00:18:21,018 --> 00:18:22,687
if she thinks that's
all you're interested in.
524
00:18:22,687 --> 00:18:26,023
And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks
525
00:18:26,023 --> 00:18:27,608
you've been sleeping around
with other girls.
526
00:18:27,608 --> 00:18:29,402
Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?
527
00:18:29,402 --> 00:18:30,737
No, you just--
528
00:18:30,737 --> 00:18:32,780
eh, you can't want it
too much, you know?
529
00:18:32,780 --> 00:18:35,283
Okay, well, what's
the right amount to want it?
530
00:18:35,283 --> 00:18:36,784
Just be yourself.
531
00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:37,702
Okay?
532
00:18:37,702 --> 00:18:39,036
The rest will happen naturally.
533
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,414
Yeah, if I may count it,
John has been himself
534
00:18:41,414 --> 00:18:44,876
for 16 years and raked in
exactly zero vagina.
535
00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:46,919
Am I getting that number
right, John, zero?
536
00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:48,588
Yeah, yeah, zero.
537
00:18:48,588 --> 00:18:50,548
I think--
[sighs]
538
00:18:50,548 --> 00:18:52,050
I think I'm gonna
do it Ted's way.
539
00:18:52,050 --> 00:18:54,802
That is a very
self-destructive sentence.
540
00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:57,096
Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.
541
00:18:57,096 --> 00:18:58,264
Fuck it.
542
00:18:58,264 --> 00:18:59,265
Whatever, I tried.
543
00:18:59,265 --> 00:19:00,767
Just give me my bra back.
544
00:19:04,145 --> 00:19:05,897
Now you know!
545
00:19:07,982 --> 00:19:09,734
Teddy, we're missing
something here.
546
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:10,860
What?
547
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:12,445
How am I even supposed
to get to the sex
548
00:19:12,445 --> 00:19:14,072
if she doesn't have
a good time?
549
00:19:14,072 --> 00:19:16,157
I mean, I haven't even
planned the fucking date.
550
00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,742
Johnny, you are gonna
take her
551
00:19:17,742 --> 00:19:19,619
on the best date of her life.
552
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:20,787
What do you mean? How?
553
00:19:20,787 --> 00:19:22,497
Your teddy bear's
got you covered.
554
00:19:22,497 --> 00:19:27,960
♪ ♪
555
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,462
Hey, Bethany.
556
00:19:29,462 --> 00:19:31,255
This is for you.
557
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:32,757
Ted?
558
00:19:32,757 --> 00:19:33,633
What's this?
559
00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:35,635
Your attire for the evening.
560
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:38,262
Wh--I-I'm wearing
my outfit for the evening.
561
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:39,263
Where's John?
562
00:19:39,263 --> 00:19:40,390
He awaits you
563
00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:42,600
on your flying carpet.
564
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,145
[sweeping orchestral music]
565
00:19:46,145 --> 00:19:53,111
♪ ♪
566
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,704
Oh, John, I-I can't believe
you did this.
567
00:20:03,704 --> 00:20:06,124
Yeah, well,
it's our first date.
568
00:20:06,124 --> 00:20:08,543
I wanted to make it special.
569
00:20:08,543 --> 00:20:11,921
I have sort of
a confession to make.
570
00:20:11,921 --> 00:20:13,423
What is it?
571
00:20:13,423 --> 00:20:15,133
I still haven't seen
"Aladdin."
572
00:20:15,133 --> 00:20:17,510
Aw, man.
Are you serious?
573
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:19,262
I thought, like,
every girl loved that movie.
574
00:20:19,262 --> 00:20:20,722
My friends love it.
575
00:20:20,722 --> 00:20:22,974
I have kind of weird taste
in movies.
576
00:20:22,974 --> 00:20:24,392
Like what?
577
00:20:24,392 --> 00:20:25,476
It's kind of embarrassing.
578
00:20:25,476 --> 00:20:27,019
No, you gotta tell me now.
579
00:20:27,019 --> 00:20:30,815
Well, there's
this really good bad movie
580
00:20:30,815 --> 00:20:33,192
from the early '80s
called "Flash Gordon."
581
00:20:33,192 --> 00:20:35,445
No fuckin' way!
582
00:20:35,445 --> 00:20:36,571
You've seen "Flash Gordon"?
583
00:20:36,571 --> 00:20:37,989
Oh, only, like,
a thousand times!
584
00:20:37,989 --> 00:20:39,490
Of course.
It's my favorite fucking movie.
585
00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:40,700
- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no.
586
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:43,077
"Who are you?
Flash Gordon.
587
00:20:43,077 --> 00:20:44,495
Quarterback, New York Jets."
588
00:20:44,495 --> 00:20:47,081
I love that!
And when Princess Aura's like,
589
00:20:47,081 --> 00:20:49,333
"Father! Damn you, Father!"
590
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:51,586
Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?
591
00:20:51,586 --> 00:20:53,463
Dude, those lungs
are working overtime.
592
00:20:53,463 --> 00:20:54,922
Oh, and when
Prince Vultan is like,
593
00:20:54,922 --> 00:20:57,383
"That must be one hell
of a planet you men come from."
594
00:20:57,383 --> 00:20:58,384
And Flash says...
595
00:20:58,384 --> 00:20:59,927
[together] "Not too bad."
596
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:00,970
Oh, my God.
597
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:02,680
Holy shit.
598
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,391
I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.
599
00:21:05,391 --> 00:21:07,852
Well, now you have.
600
00:21:12,315 --> 00:21:13,274
Oh, shit!
601
00:21:13,274 --> 00:21:14,358
[tires screech]
602
00:21:14,358 --> 00:21:15,401
Ah!
603
00:21:15,401 --> 00:21:17,403
[both grunting]
604
00:21:17,403 --> 00:21:18,905
[squirrel chitters]
605
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:21,407
Oh, my God!
606
00:21:21,407 --> 00:21:23,284
Jesus Christ,
are you guys okay?
607
00:21:23,284 --> 00:21:24,744
I think so.
608
00:21:24,744 --> 00:21:26,204
Johnny, Johnny,
you all right?
609
00:21:26,204 --> 00:21:27,330
Talk to me!
610
00:21:27,330 --> 00:21:29,957
Teddy?
611
00:21:29,957 --> 00:21:31,084
Did I sex?
612
00:21:31,084 --> 00:21:32,543
You sure did, buddy.
613
00:21:32,543 --> 00:21:35,922
You sexed real good.
614
00:21:37,632 --> 00:21:43,554
♪ ♪
615
00:21:43,554 --> 00:21:45,598
You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.
616
00:21:45,598 --> 00:21:46,933
How are you feeling now?
617
00:21:46,933 --> 00:21:48,893
Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little--
618
00:21:48,893 --> 00:21:50,061
No, him.
619
00:21:50,061 --> 00:21:51,145
Oh, right, yeah.
620
00:21:51,145 --> 00:21:52,271
I'm okay.
621
00:21:52,271 --> 00:21:54,273
Uh, you know, it doesn't
hurt that much.
622
00:21:54,273 --> 00:21:57,110
Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.
623
00:21:57,110 --> 00:21:59,195
You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,
624
00:21:59,195 --> 00:22:00,530
and we had our seatbelts on,
625
00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:01,906
you know,
as is required by law--
626
00:22:01,906 --> 00:22:04,367
Son, this isn't
my first night in the ER.
627
00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:06,202
I saw the carpet burns.
628
00:22:06,202 --> 00:22:09,455
I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."
629
00:22:09,455 --> 00:22:11,082
I curse the day
that movie came out.
630
00:22:11,082 --> 00:22:13,126
All right.
You're gonna be okay.
631
00:22:13,126 --> 00:22:14,585
There's no concussion.
632
00:22:14,585 --> 00:22:17,130
But I need you to get some rest
for the next few days.
633
00:22:17,130 --> 00:22:18,464
And stay off cars.
634
00:22:18,464 --> 00:22:20,717
Okay. Thanks.
635
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:27,265
Listen, I'm--
I'm sorry about tonight.
636
00:22:27,265 --> 00:22:28,266
You know, it was stupid.
637
00:22:28,266 --> 00:22:29,934
No, it wasn't.
638
00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:32,770
It was romantic and thoughtful.
639
00:22:32,770 --> 00:22:34,147
Wait, so you're not mad?
640
00:22:34,147 --> 00:22:35,440
No.
641
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,818
I like you--a lot.
642
00:22:38,818 --> 00:22:40,903
Okay, well,
do you maybe want to go
643
00:22:40,903 --> 00:22:42,447
on an inside-the-car date
sometime?
644
00:22:42,447 --> 00:22:43,823
[chuckles]
645
00:22:43,823 --> 00:22:45,283
I have a better idea.
646
00:22:45,283 --> 00:22:47,910
I was supposed to go
to the prom with Danny Hirsh,
647
00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:50,371
but his acne has
reached a point
648
00:22:50,371 --> 00:22:52,373
where I need to take action.
649
00:22:52,373 --> 00:22:54,542
Would you maybe want to go?
650
00:22:54,542 --> 00:22:55,835
Yeah.
651
00:22:55,835 --> 00:22:57,170
Yeah, yeah, of course.
652
00:22:57,170 --> 00:22:59,172
Cool.
653
00:22:59,172 --> 00:23:02,842
I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.
654
00:23:02,842 --> 00:23:05,053
Although I guess
I haven't seen you
655
00:23:05,053 --> 00:23:06,721
around school
with a girlfriend.
656
00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:09,390
Oh, John's had
lots of girlfriends.
657
00:23:09,390 --> 00:23:10,600
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
658
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,060
Oh, yeah.
You're looking at a guy
659
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:14,520
with a whole lot
of experience...
660
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:15,730
with fucking.
661
00:23:15,730 --> 00:23:16,773
Right, Johnny?
662
00:23:16,773 --> 00:23:18,983
Uh--uh, yeah.
663
00:23:18,983 --> 00:23:21,402
Yeah, I'm still sore
from yesterday, you know?
664
00:23:21,402 --> 00:23:24,280
Yeah, a whole lot of--
whole lot of pounds of torque.
665
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,615
- Oh.
- Trust me,
666
00:23:25,615 --> 00:23:27,617
this guy knows his way
around a woman.
667
00:23:27,617 --> 00:23:29,077
You know what they call him
at school?
668
00:23:29,077 --> 00:23:30,536
The Ladyboy.
669
00:23:30,536 --> 00:23:32,580
He's that seasoned.
670
00:23:32,580 --> 00:23:34,582
Sorry, we need this room.
671
00:23:34,582 --> 00:23:37,126
We got another one.
672
00:23:37,126 --> 00:23:39,379
Goddamn movie.
673
00:23:39,379 --> 00:23:42,632
♪ ♪
674
00:23:42,632 --> 00:23:44,467
Guess what?
675
00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:48,763
One of the eggs had two yolks.
676
00:23:48,763 --> 00:23:51,099
I can't wait to get invited
to a party.
677
00:23:51,099 --> 00:23:52,558
I have small talk.
678
00:23:52,558 --> 00:23:56,062
Well, you know, uh,
Johnny also has some good news.
679
00:23:56,062 --> 00:23:57,980
- Aw, shut up, man.
- No, no, no.
680
00:23:57,980 --> 00:24:00,108
No, no, no, we're doing this.
I'm proud of you, man.
681
00:24:00,108 --> 00:24:02,902
Our boy has been invited
to the prom.
682
00:24:02,902 --> 00:24:04,445
- [gasps]
- What?
683
00:24:04,445 --> 00:24:05,822
Are you serious?
- Wait a minute.
684
00:24:05,822 --> 00:24:07,365
Wait a minute. Invited?
685
00:24:07,365 --> 00:24:08,699
She invited you?
686
00:24:08,699 --> 00:24:10,618
- Yeah.
- See that, Susan?
687
00:24:10,618 --> 00:24:12,203
Still think
the Clintons are harmless?
688
00:24:12,203 --> 00:24:14,080
Times are changing, Matty.
You gotta keep up.
689
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:15,540
Oh, John!
690
00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:18,543
I'm so happy for you.
[chuckles]
691
00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:20,253
Who's the lucky girl?
692
00:24:20,253 --> 00:24:21,796
Bethany Borgwardt.
693
00:24:21,796 --> 00:24:24,173
Wait, the--the girl
from the other night?
694
00:24:24,173 --> 00:24:24,966
The one with the--
695
00:24:24,966 --> 00:24:26,217
The bra lady, yeah.
696
00:24:26,217 --> 00:24:28,511
Guess somebody gave him
some good advice.
697
00:24:28,511 --> 00:24:31,723
Well, I'm very surprised.
698
00:24:31,723 --> 00:24:34,851
Uh, I guess, good luck.
699
00:24:34,851 --> 00:24:36,602
All right,
I gotta go to work.
700
00:24:36,602 --> 00:24:37,729
I'll see you later.
701
00:24:37,729 --> 00:24:38,771
Don't forget
your lunch, honey.
702
00:24:38,771 --> 00:24:40,148
[grunts]
703
00:24:41,524 --> 00:24:42,859
Take the fruit out!
704
00:24:42,859 --> 00:24:44,569
I can't be seen at work
with a plum!
705
00:24:44,569 --> 00:24:45,862
Why?
706
00:24:45,862 --> 00:24:47,655
There's fiber in here, hon.
707
00:24:47,655 --> 00:24:49,824
You haven't made caca yet.
708
00:24:49,824 --> 00:24:51,701
Hey, Blaire, you know,
since Johnny's got a date,
709
00:24:51,701 --> 00:24:52,910
how about you and me go
to the prom?
710
00:24:52,910 --> 00:24:54,579
Yeah, no thanks.
711
00:24:54,579 --> 00:24:55,621
Why not?
712
00:24:55,621 --> 00:24:56,873
A high school prom?
713
00:24:56,873 --> 00:24:58,332
Been there, done that.
714
00:24:58,332 --> 00:24:59,834
No booze, no thanks.
715
00:24:59,834 --> 00:25:01,210
Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging!
716
00:25:01,210 --> 00:25:02,795
Johnny's gonna be
off getting laid.
717
00:25:02,795 --> 00:25:03,755
I don't want
to be stuck talking
718
00:25:03,755 --> 00:25:04,922
to a bunch of wiener bags.
719
00:25:04,922 --> 00:25:06,049
Don't you think you're being
720
00:25:06,049 --> 00:25:07,675
a little overconfident
about this?
721
00:25:07,675 --> 00:25:09,719
I mean, he just started
dating this girl.
722
00:25:09,719 --> 00:25:10,845
Yeah, but it's--
723
00:25:10,845 --> 00:25:12,138
it's going really good, Blaire.
724
00:25:12,138 --> 00:25:13,806
We had a great time
on our first date.
725
00:25:13,806 --> 00:25:15,016
Even the hospital was fun.
726
00:25:15,016 --> 00:25:16,809
Yeah, they're gonna fuck
for sure.
727
00:25:16,809 --> 00:25:19,645
I mean, unless, you know,
the timing's off.
728
00:25:19,645 --> 00:25:20,646
What do you mean?
729
00:25:20,646 --> 00:25:22,023
Well, I mean, you know, if--
730
00:25:22,023 --> 00:25:24,192
if she's gotta make her period.
731
00:25:24,192 --> 00:25:25,943
- What?
- You know, if it's
732
00:25:25,943 --> 00:25:27,236
that time of the week.
733
00:25:27,236 --> 00:25:29,989
Okay, so what?
So what if she gets her period?
734
00:25:29,989 --> 00:25:31,991
Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?
735
00:25:31,991 --> 00:25:34,243
Like, I heard that
if you have sex
736
00:25:34,243 --> 00:25:35,828
while a girl's doing
her period,
737
00:25:35,828 --> 00:25:38,122
then--then you could
go back in time.
738
00:25:38,122 --> 00:25:40,708
I think I just went
back in time.
739
00:25:40,708 --> 00:25:42,377
Does any male in this house
740
00:25:42,377 --> 00:25:45,838
actually even fucking know
how it works?
741
00:25:47,673 --> 00:25:48,674
Well, do you?
742
00:25:48,674 --> 00:25:50,093
- I-I do not.
- I actually
743
00:25:50,093 --> 00:25:51,094
have no idea, no.
- Yeah.
744
00:25:51,094 --> 00:25:52,261
- Yeah.
- Ugh. Okay.
745
00:25:52,261 --> 00:25:53,930
I actually was always
kind of curious.
746
00:25:53,930 --> 00:25:55,681
There's, like, a--
a little tube, right?
747
00:25:55,681 --> 00:25:57,141
Yes, a tampon.
748
00:25:57,141 --> 00:25:58,559
Oh, yeah, I know that word.
749
00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:00,269
Is a crampon also something?
750
00:26:00,269 --> 00:26:02,105
A crampon is used
for rock climbing.
751
00:26:02,105 --> 00:26:03,731
It's got nothing
to do with periods.
752
00:26:03,731 --> 00:26:04,857
Oh.
753
00:26:04,857 --> 00:26:05,858
It's weird that it has the word
754
00:26:05,858 --> 00:26:06,901
"cramp" in there though, yeah?
755
00:26:06,901 --> 00:26:08,319
Two completely
different things.
756
00:26:08,319 --> 00:26:09,529
But you can see
why I thought--
757
00:26:09,529 --> 00:26:10,613
Okay, you want to make jokes,
758
00:26:10,613 --> 00:26:11,531
or you want to fucking
learn something?
759
00:26:11,531 --> 00:26:12,865
I wasn't making a joke!
760
00:26:12,865 --> 00:26:14,325
I didn't know about
the rock climbing! God!
761
00:26:14,325 --> 00:26:15,576
How's it work?
762
00:26:15,576 --> 00:26:16,869
Give me your best guess.
763
00:26:16,869 --> 00:26:19,580
You put the tampon inside.
764
00:26:19,580 --> 00:26:21,624
Genius, yes. How?
765
00:26:21,624 --> 00:26:23,209
Y-you swallow it.
766
00:26:23,209 --> 00:26:27,130
You use the applicator
to insert it into the vagina,
767
00:26:27,130 --> 00:26:29,716
and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.
768
00:26:29,716 --> 00:26:31,676
And this happens
all the time?
769
00:26:31,676 --> 00:26:33,177
Once a month
for just a few days.
770
00:26:33,177 --> 00:26:34,721
Is it shorter in February?
771
00:26:34,721 --> 00:26:35,888
You want to get fucking wet?
772
00:26:35,888 --> 00:26:37,265
No, no, no.
No, I'm good, I'm good.
773
00:26:38,182 --> 00:26:41,769
Look, I know you guys think
you're pretty smart.
774
00:26:41,769 --> 00:26:47,400
But maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.
775
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,027
[phone ringing]
776
00:26:53,448 --> 00:26:54,449
Hello?
777
00:26:54,449 --> 00:26:55,908
John, it's Bethany.
778
00:26:55,908 --> 00:26:57,660
Oh, hey, Bethany.
779
00:26:57,660 --> 00:26:59,746
Yeah, we were, uh--we were
just talking about the prom.
780
00:26:59,746 --> 00:27:00,747
I'm really excited.
781
00:27:00,747 --> 00:27:02,123
What time should I pick you up?
782
00:27:02,123 --> 00:27:05,793
Yeah, about that,
I've been thinking,
783
00:27:05,793 --> 00:27:09,422
maybe it's better
if we go separately.
784
00:27:09,422 --> 00:27:11,215
Wait--wait, what? Why?
785
00:27:11,215 --> 00:27:14,385
I just think you might be
a little bit too, um,
786
00:27:14,385 --> 00:27:16,262
experienced for me.
787
00:27:16,262 --> 00:27:17,722
No, but--
[splutters]
788
00:27:17,722 --> 00:27:19,098
[high-pitched]
Come back to bed, Johnny!
789
00:27:19,098 --> 00:27:20,933
I'm one of your many satisfied
790
00:27:20,933 --> 00:27:22,143
sexual partners!
- [whispers] Stop!
791
00:27:22,143 --> 00:27:23,102
[whispers] What?
He's gonna thank me.
792
00:27:23,102 --> 00:27:25,104
- No, he's not!
- Shh!
793
00:27:25,104 --> 00:27:27,023
Hey, uh, can we talk
about this?
794
00:27:27,023 --> 00:27:28,691
I'm sure you've got
lots of other girls
795
00:27:28,691 --> 00:27:30,026
who'd love to go with you.
796
00:27:30,026 --> 00:27:31,861
Maybe you ask one of them.
797
00:27:31,861 --> 00:27:33,321
Sorry.
798
00:27:36,783 --> 00:27:38,493
She dumped me.
799
00:27:38,493 --> 00:27:39,911
What?
800
00:27:39,911 --> 00:27:43,331
Yeah, it's--it's over.
801
00:27:43,331 --> 00:27:44,540
No, it's not.
802
00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:46,167
We are gonna do what they do
in the movies.
803
00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:48,169
Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn,
804
00:27:48,169 --> 00:27:50,505
and declare your love
for all the world to hear.
805
00:27:50,505 --> 00:27:51,506
Yeah.
806
00:27:51,506 --> 00:27:52,882
[siren chirps]
807
00:27:54,342 --> 00:27:56,302
Sorry about that, Officer.
Thank you so much.
808
00:27:56,302 --> 00:27:57,970
Our apologies.
Won't happen again.
809
00:27:57,970 --> 00:27:59,639
Wow, that was so not good.
810
00:27:59,639 --> 00:28:02,141
Yeah, her dad really
did not care that you love her.
811
00:28:02,141 --> 00:28:03,935
I can't believe
I listened to you.
812
00:28:03,935 --> 00:28:05,478
You fucked
this whole thing up, Teddy!
813
00:28:05,478 --> 00:28:07,772
It's okay, Johnny.
We can still salvage this.
814
00:28:07,772 --> 00:28:09,899
All right, there's gonna be
a lot of girls at the prom.
815
00:28:09,899 --> 00:28:11,192
We're gonna get you
a fake chest.
816
00:28:11,192 --> 00:28:12,151
We'll stick a sock
in your pants.
817
00:28:12,151 --> 00:28:14,153
This isn't just
about sex, okay?
818
00:28:14,153 --> 00:28:15,488
How many times
do I have to stand here
819
00:28:15,488 --> 00:28:17,573
and tell you,
I really like her?
820
00:28:17,573 --> 00:28:18,741
She's wicked cool.
821
00:28:18,741 --> 00:28:20,034
We've got a lot in common.
822
00:28:20,034 --> 00:28:22,120
Wasn't it pretty much
just "Flash Gordon"?
823
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:23,871
We could have built off that.
824
00:28:23,871 --> 00:28:24,956
Where am I gonna find
another girl
825
00:28:24,956 --> 00:28:26,165
who likes that movie?
826
00:28:26,165 --> 00:28:27,166
I mean, you and me like it,
827
00:28:27,166 --> 00:28:28,459
but that's mostly
'cause of drugs.
828
00:28:28,459 --> 00:28:30,128
Okay, look,
I fucked up, all right?
829
00:28:30,128 --> 00:28:31,671
But we can still have fun
at the prom.
830
00:28:31,671 --> 00:28:34,507
Come on, we'll spike the punch
and stuff the ballot box
831
00:28:34,507 --> 00:28:37,009
so a couple of horse-faced kids
win King and Queen.
832
00:28:37,009 --> 00:28:38,052
If you want to go
to the prom,
833
00:28:38,052 --> 00:28:39,887
you can do it without me.
834
00:28:39,887 --> 00:28:41,139
Johnny.
835
00:28:43,516 --> 00:28:47,562
[melancholy music]
836
00:28:51,774 --> 00:28:54,902
[jazzy music]
837
00:28:54,902 --> 00:28:56,612
Come on, hurry up,
838
00:28:56,612 --> 00:28:59,115
before I change my mind.
839
00:28:59,991 --> 00:29:01,242
Oh, my God, that's--
840
00:29:01,242 --> 00:29:03,077
that's the tie you landed on?
841
00:29:03,077 --> 00:29:04,287
Yeah, what's wrong with it?
842
00:29:04,287 --> 00:29:05,913
You're wearing
a fucking piano tie to prom.
843
00:29:05,913 --> 00:29:07,498
What are you, in an a-ha video?
844
00:29:07,498 --> 00:29:09,584
Well, you know, it's
kind of hard to tie a bow tie
845
00:29:09,584 --> 00:29:10,752
when you got no fingers.
846
00:29:10,752 --> 00:29:12,420
You look great, by the way.
847
00:29:12,420 --> 00:29:14,297
See?
See how easy that is,
848
00:29:14,297 --> 00:29:15,506
to give someone a compliment?
849
00:29:15,506 --> 00:29:20,344
Oh, look at you two,
all dressed up!
850
00:29:20,344 --> 00:29:23,514
Oh, Matty,
don't they look nice?
851
00:29:23,514 --> 00:29:25,224
- Yeah.
- Blaire, you should
852
00:29:25,224 --> 00:29:27,852
wear girl clothes
more often, hon.
853
00:29:27,852 --> 00:29:28,936
Thanks.
854
00:29:28,936 --> 00:29:30,563
Is John going too?
855
00:29:30,563 --> 00:29:33,775
No, he's, uh--
he's still pretty upset.
856
00:29:33,775 --> 00:29:36,069
Oh, no, my baby.
857
00:29:36,069 --> 00:29:39,614
Matty, why don't you
go talk to him?
858
00:29:39,614 --> 00:29:40,698
Huh?
859
00:29:40,698 --> 00:29:42,283
Go talk to John.
860
00:29:42,283 --> 00:29:43,409
What do you mean?
861
00:29:43,409 --> 00:29:45,036
Oh, my God.
Am I speaking Farsi?
862
00:29:45,036 --> 00:29:46,621
Go speak to your son.
863
00:29:46,621 --> 00:29:49,290
Do, like, a, I don't know,
father-type thing.
864
00:29:49,290 --> 00:29:51,834
You know,
I remember my junior prom
865
00:29:51,834 --> 00:29:54,212
and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.
866
00:29:54,212 --> 00:29:57,340
He was so nervous,
he accidentally stabbed me
867
00:29:57,340 --> 00:29:59,675
putting on the corsage.
868
00:29:59,675 --> 00:30:02,303
And I didn't want to make
a fuss or anything like that,
869
00:30:02,303 --> 00:30:03,679
so I spent the whole night
870
00:30:03,679 --> 00:30:06,849
with this carnation stuck
to my breast.
871
00:30:06,849 --> 00:30:09,519
Jesus,
this fucking story again.
872
00:30:09,519 --> 00:30:11,354
I'll talk to John.
873
00:30:14,357 --> 00:30:16,234
And then I got sepsis,
874
00:30:16,234 --> 00:30:18,569
and I'm still
not allowed to swim.
875
00:30:20,363 --> 00:30:23,157
[video game beeping]
876
00:30:23,157 --> 00:30:24,826
Hey, Johnny, wrap it up.
I need your help.
877
00:30:24,826 --> 00:30:26,119
Just started the game.
878
00:30:26,119 --> 00:30:27,286
Tough shit.
879
00:30:27,286 --> 00:30:28,371
I gotta load
our old refrigerator
880
00:30:28,371 --> 00:30:29,372
in the back of the truck,
881
00:30:29,372 --> 00:30:30,998
dump it in the woods.
882
00:30:30,998 --> 00:30:32,500
It's 7:30 at night.
883
00:30:32,500 --> 00:30:34,877
Yeah.
This isn't exactly legal, John.
884
00:30:34,877 --> 00:30:37,338
But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.
885
00:30:37,338 --> 00:30:39,173
Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.
886
00:30:39,173 --> 00:30:40,925
Can't we just do it
another time?
887
00:30:40,925 --> 00:30:44,053
Why? It's not like
you have anywhere to go, right?
888
00:30:46,305 --> 00:30:47,682
Dad, I know
what you're doing.
889
00:30:47,682 --> 00:30:48,683
I'm not doing anything.
890
00:30:48,683 --> 00:30:50,017
I just need another set
of hands.
891
00:30:50,017 --> 00:30:51,352
I'm not going to prom!
892
00:30:51,352 --> 00:30:53,813
All right?
I--I got dumped.
893
00:30:53,813 --> 00:30:55,231
It'll be too embarrassing.
894
00:31:01,154 --> 00:31:03,406
Life is a series
of embarrassments.
895
00:31:03,406 --> 00:31:05,491
Bosses humiliating you,
896
00:31:05,491 --> 00:31:07,702
your wife nagging you
all the time,
897
00:31:07,702 --> 00:31:10,121
going off to fight
in the one war
898
00:31:10,121 --> 00:31:11,038
where you're the bad guy.
899
00:31:11,038 --> 00:31:12,206
I mean, fuck.
900
00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:13,708
Is this supposed
to be a pep talk?
901
00:31:13,708 --> 00:31:15,877
All I'm saying is,
you only get so many nights
902
00:31:15,877 --> 00:31:17,712
like this one, John.
903
00:31:17,712 --> 00:31:20,423
There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.
904
00:31:20,423 --> 00:31:22,258
You miss this one,
that's fucking it.
905
00:31:22,258 --> 00:31:24,177
The rest of your life is
spending all day
906
00:31:24,177 --> 00:31:25,553
breaking your back,
and all night
907
00:31:25,553 --> 00:31:28,848
standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.
908
00:31:34,103 --> 00:31:35,605
All right.
909
00:31:39,358 --> 00:31:41,360
There you go.
910
00:31:44,322 --> 00:31:48,284
[indistinct chatter,
music thumping]
911
00:31:48,284 --> 00:31:50,119
♪ Rhythm is a dancer ♪
912
00:31:50,119 --> 00:31:52,205
♪ It's a soul's companion ♪
913
00:31:52,205 --> 00:31:55,583
♪ You can feel it everywhere ♪
914
00:31:55,583 --> 00:31:57,752
♪ Lift your hands and voices ♪
915
00:31:57,752 --> 00:31:59,712
♪ Free your mind and join us ♪
916
00:31:59,712 --> 00:32:02,465
See, this ain't
so bad, right?
917
00:32:02,465 --> 00:32:05,927
Thanks to this,
not the worst night of my life.
918
00:32:05,927 --> 00:32:09,680
Yeah, well, I'm having
a nice time with you too.
919
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:13,142
And the compliment-free
evening continues.
920
00:32:13,142 --> 00:32:14,435
Hey, Javier!
921
00:32:14,435 --> 00:32:16,479
Ha! I know that guy.
922
00:32:16,479 --> 00:32:17,939
No one was looking at you.
923
00:32:17,939 --> 00:32:19,857
Yeah, it's just--there was--
there was the one guy.
924
00:32:19,857 --> 00:32:21,943
No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.
925
00:32:21,943 --> 00:32:24,112
No, it's just--it's this
thing we do, the two of us.
926
00:32:24,112 --> 00:32:25,780
Ah, that's so him.
927
00:32:25,780 --> 00:32:27,782
Have you made
any fucking friends this year?
928
00:32:27,782 --> 00:32:29,242
Uh, not really, no.
929
00:32:29,242 --> 00:32:32,120
[whooping and laughter]
930
00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:34,580
Shit, Ted, look.
931
00:32:36,332 --> 00:32:38,334
Hey! Hey, Johnny!
932
00:32:42,046 --> 00:32:43,756
- Hey, John.
- Hey, buddy.
933
00:32:43,756 --> 00:32:45,925
Hey, hey, you just
missed Javier, man.
934
00:32:45,925 --> 00:32:47,218
He was up to his old tricks.
935
00:32:47,218 --> 00:32:48,761
Shit, again?
936
00:32:48,761 --> 00:32:49,804
Man, I really gotta
meet that guy.
937
00:32:49,804 --> 00:32:51,431
He sounds awesome.
- I know, I--
938
00:32:51,431 --> 00:32:53,307
fuck, he's always just leaving
when you get here.
939
00:32:53,307 --> 00:32:55,309
I-I don't--
I don't know how that happens.
940
00:32:55,309 --> 00:32:58,271
Well, listen, man, I--
941
00:32:58,271 --> 00:33:00,273
I'm really sorry
for laying into you like that.
942
00:33:00,273 --> 00:33:01,899
No, man, I'm sorry.
943
00:33:01,899 --> 00:33:04,485
I fucked things up
between you and Bethany.
944
00:33:04,485 --> 00:33:06,237
I should have just kept
my big mouth shut
945
00:33:06,237 --> 00:33:07,613
and let you be yourself.
946
00:33:07,613 --> 00:33:09,657
No, man,
it's not all your fault.
947
00:33:09,657 --> 00:33:11,784
I didn't have to listen to you.
948
00:33:11,784 --> 00:33:13,536
I made my own choices.
949
00:33:18,916 --> 00:33:21,419
I think I know
how to un-fuck things.
950
00:33:25,882 --> 00:33:28,009
Bethany. Hi.
951
00:33:28,009 --> 00:33:30,261
John.
952
00:33:30,261 --> 00:33:32,096
Hi.
953
00:33:32,096 --> 00:33:35,433
So listen, I was wondering
954
00:33:35,433 --> 00:33:40,063
if you'd maybe
give me another chance.
955
00:33:40,063 --> 00:33:43,608
John, look.
956
00:33:43,608 --> 00:33:45,151
I think you're
a nice-enough guy,
957
00:33:45,151 --> 00:33:48,404
but you're not the guy for me.
958
00:33:48,404 --> 00:33:49,697
I-I'm just not interested
959
00:33:49,697 --> 00:33:51,365
in being a notch
in someone's belt.
960
00:33:51,365 --> 00:33:54,243
Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.
961
00:33:54,243 --> 00:33:56,913
I've never had sex, okay?
962
00:33:56,913 --> 00:33:59,207
I'm a virgin.
I-I said that I had
963
00:33:59,207 --> 00:34:00,333
because I thought
it would impress you.
964
00:34:00,333 --> 00:34:02,001
It was stupid.
965
00:34:02,001 --> 00:34:04,212
So you lied to me?
966
00:34:04,212 --> 00:34:06,047
Well, yeah.
967
00:34:06,047 --> 00:34:07,298
I'm sorry.
968
00:34:07,298 --> 00:34:09,050
How do I know
you're not lying now?
969
00:34:09,050 --> 00:34:10,301
I'm not.
I'm not.
970
00:34:10,301 --> 00:34:11,594
I swear to God.
971
00:34:14,305 --> 00:34:16,265
And I think I can prove it.
972
00:34:20,103 --> 00:34:21,479
Excuse me.
973
00:34:21,479 --> 00:34:23,314
I need that mic.
I got something to say.
974
00:34:23,314 --> 00:34:26,025
Sorry,
it's against the rules...
975
00:34:26,025 --> 00:34:27,944
unless it's for true love.
976
00:34:27,944 --> 00:34:28,945
It is.
977
00:34:33,282 --> 00:34:35,076
Go get her.
978
00:34:35,076 --> 00:34:36,452
[music stops]
979
00:34:36,452 --> 00:34:37,537
Hi. Hi, every--
[feedback whines]
980
00:34:37,537 --> 00:34:38,621
Oh, that's loud.
Hi, everyone.
981
00:34:38,621 --> 00:34:40,748
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
982
00:34:40,748 --> 00:34:42,750
Sorry for the interruption.
I, uh,
983
00:34:42,750 --> 00:34:46,087
uh, just have
a real quick question.
984
00:34:46,087 --> 00:34:48,798
Who here has had sex with me?
985
00:34:51,843 --> 00:34:53,428
Nobody.
986
00:34:53,428 --> 00:34:54,971
You want to know why?
987
00:34:54,971 --> 00:34:57,932
Because I'm a virgin.
988
00:34:57,932 --> 00:34:59,976
I was too embarrassed
to admit it until tonight,
989
00:34:59,976 --> 00:35:02,103
but it's the truth.
990
00:35:02,103 --> 00:35:03,604
And you know what?
991
00:35:03,604 --> 00:35:06,107
I bet I'm not alone.
992
00:35:06,107 --> 00:35:09,402
I bet there are more of you
out there just like me,
993
00:35:09,402 --> 00:35:11,279
so let's stop being embarrassed
994
00:35:11,279 --> 00:35:13,406
and let our voices be heard.
995
00:35:13,406 --> 00:35:15,408
Who out there is a virgin?
996
00:35:16,492 --> 00:35:19,871
[hushed chatter]
997
00:35:19,871 --> 00:35:23,291
[stifled laughter]
998
00:35:23,291 --> 00:35:25,293
Nerd!
999
00:35:25,293 --> 00:35:26,878
- What the fuck?
- What? He was drowning.
1000
00:35:26,878 --> 00:35:28,463
No sense in me going down
with him.
1001
00:35:28,463 --> 00:35:31,632
[laughter]
1002
00:35:45,188 --> 00:35:47,023
Hey.
Hey, John, wait up!
1003
00:35:51,652 --> 00:35:53,696
I can't believe
you just did that.
1004
00:35:53,696 --> 00:35:55,406
Oh.
Yeah, it was pretty stupid.
1005
00:35:55,406 --> 00:35:57,950
Yeah, very stupid.
[chuckles]
1006
00:35:59,327 --> 00:36:01,329
But it took guts.
1007
00:36:01,329 --> 00:36:02,830
Well, I mean,
1008
00:36:02,830 --> 00:36:05,500
it's not like my social life
could get any worse.
1009
00:36:05,500 --> 00:36:08,461
[chuckles]
Well...
1010
00:36:08,461 --> 00:36:10,004
you want to know a secret?
1011
00:36:10,004 --> 00:36:12,006
What?
1012
00:36:12,006 --> 00:36:16,302
You're not the only person
at this school who hasn't--
1013
00:36:16,302 --> 00:36:17,762
you know.
1014
00:36:17,762 --> 00:36:19,180
Wait.
[chuckles]
1015
00:36:19,180 --> 00:36:21,391
Wait, you're a virgin too?
1016
00:36:21,391 --> 00:36:23,684
Mm-hmm.
1017
00:36:23,684 --> 00:36:25,937
You know, I don't think
I believe you.
1018
00:36:25,937 --> 00:36:27,313
- What?
- I think you gotta
1019
00:36:27,313 --> 00:36:28,564
get up and tell
the whole school.
1020
00:36:28,564 --> 00:36:30,650
Yeah, no thanks.
I'm not an idiot.
1021
00:36:30,650 --> 00:36:32,110
Oh, you sure?
Why not?
1022
00:36:32,110 --> 00:36:34,278
It's a great feeling.
I can't recommend it enough.
1023
00:36:34,278 --> 00:36:35,822
[laughs]
1024
00:36:37,615 --> 00:36:39,367
Do you want to get out of here?
1025
00:36:39,367 --> 00:36:42,870
Maybe hang at my house?
1026
00:36:42,870 --> 00:36:45,623
My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.
1027
00:36:47,083 --> 00:36:48,376
Sure.
1028
00:36:48,376 --> 00:36:50,044
[All-4-One's "I Swear"]
1029
00:36:50,044 --> 00:36:53,047
- * And I swear ♪
- * I swear ♪
1030
00:36:53,047 --> 00:36:58,386
♪ By the moon and the stars
in the sky ♪
1031
00:36:58,386 --> 00:37:01,889
♪ I'll be there ♪
- * I'll be there ♪
1032
00:37:01,889 --> 00:37:04,100
- * I swear ♪
- * And I swear ♪
1033
00:37:04,100 --> 00:37:06,102
I think those two might
just make it.
1034
00:37:06,102 --> 00:37:07,937
Yeah, I think so too.
1035
00:37:09,147 --> 00:37:11,149
- Well, now what?
- One of the goth kids
1036
00:37:11,149 --> 00:37:12,650
in the parking lot
gave me a pill.
1037
00:37:12,650 --> 00:37:14,444
I got no idea what it is.
You want to split it?
1038
00:37:14,444 --> 00:37:16,696
♪ For better or worse ♪
1039
00:37:16,696 --> 00:37:18,614
♪ Till death do us part ♪
1040
00:37:18,614 --> 00:37:22,326
♪ Uh, yeah,
talk to me, yeah ♪
1041
00:37:22,326 --> 00:37:24,829
♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪
1042
00:37:24,829 --> 00:37:26,205
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1043
00:37:26,205 --> 00:37:28,249
♪ He's a mighty,
mighty good man ♪
1044
00:37:28,249 --> 00:37:30,334
♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪
1045
00:37:30,334 --> 00:37:31,961
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
- * All right ♪
1046
00:37:31,961 --> 00:37:34,756
[giggles]
What are you doing back there?
1047
00:37:34,756 --> 00:37:36,966
Trying to unhook your bra.
1048
00:37:36,966 --> 00:37:39,802
Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...
1049
00:37:43,181 --> 00:37:44,682
Ah! Ah, shit, all right.
1050
00:37:44,682 --> 00:37:47,351
I think I tore it, and I might
have fucking cut myself.
1051
00:37:47,351 --> 00:37:49,353
Here, why don't I get it?
1052
00:37:49,353 --> 00:37:52,190
Um, do you have a condom?
1053
00:37:52,190 --> 00:37:53,357
Yeah.
Yeah, a grown-up
1054
00:37:53,357 --> 00:37:54,901
at the pharmacy
helped me pick one out.
1055
00:37:54,901 --> 00:37:55,860
What?
1056
00:37:55,860 --> 00:37:57,612
Nothing.
Uh, yeah.
1057
00:37:57,612 --> 00:37:59,238
Yeah, I got one.
1058
00:37:59,238 --> 00:38:03,993
Good, 'cause I think
we should have sex.
1059
00:38:03,993 --> 00:38:05,203
Really?
1060
00:38:06,662 --> 00:38:08,372
Holy shit, Blaire was right.
1061
00:38:08,372 --> 00:38:09,624
- Huh?
- Nothing.
1062
00:38:09,624 --> 00:38:12,418
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
1063
00:38:12,418 --> 00:38:13,795
♪ 'Cause his mama
taught him that ♪
1064
00:38:13,795 --> 00:38:15,088
♪ I got a good man ♪
1065
00:38:15,088 --> 00:38:16,672
♪ What a man,
what a man, what a man ♪
1066
00:38:16,672 --> 00:38:18,925
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1067
00:38:18,925 --> 00:38:20,259
♪ A mighty, mighty good man ♪
1068
00:38:20,259 --> 00:38:22,345
♪ What a man,
what a man, what a man ♪
1069
00:38:22,345 --> 00:38:24,555
♪ What a mighty good man ♪
1070
00:38:24,555 --> 00:38:26,933
- * Yes, he is ♪
- * What a man, what a man ♪
1071
00:38:26,933 --> 00:38:29,435
[breaking news jingle plays]
1072
00:38:29,435 --> 00:38:30,770
- Oh, my God!
- What? What?
1073
00:38:30,770 --> 00:38:32,230
What's wrong?
- Look!
1074
00:38:32,230 --> 00:38:34,315
Police are in pursuit
of a white Bronco
1075
00:38:34,315 --> 00:38:37,193
presumed to be the vehicle
of OJ Simpson.
1076
00:38:37,193 --> 00:38:39,695
Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly--
1077
00:38:39,695 --> 00:38:41,239
Holy shit!
1078
00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:43,074
Yeah.
Yeah, that's really something.
1079
00:38:43,074 --> 00:38:45,493
Fuck! Does this mean
he actually did do it?
1080
00:38:45,493 --> 00:38:46,786
Speaking of doing it--
1081
00:38:46,786 --> 00:38:47,995
Where do you think
he's going?
1082
00:38:47,995 --> 00:38:49,831
And why are they driving
so slow?
1083
00:38:49,831 --> 00:38:51,666
I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.
1084
00:38:51,666 --> 00:38:52,667
I mean, he must have
done it, right?
1085
00:38:52,667 --> 00:38:53,876
Why else is he running?
1086
00:38:53,876 --> 00:38:55,586
Times like these,
all we can really do
1087
00:38:55,586 --> 00:38:57,004
is hold each other close.
- Fuck!
1088
00:38:57,004 --> 00:38:59,757
I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked Gun,"
1089
00:38:59,757 --> 00:39:01,300
and now he might be a murderer?
1090
00:39:01,300 --> 00:39:04,011
I think Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman would
1091
00:39:04,011 --> 00:39:06,139
really want us to make
the most of this night.
1092
00:39:06,139 --> 00:39:09,350
And now we're hearing
reports that he has a gun.
1093
00:39:09,350 --> 00:39:12,353
Oh, my God.
1094
00:39:12,353 --> 00:39:15,690
I don't think this is gonna
have a happy ending.
1095
00:39:15,690 --> 00:39:17,692
No fucking shit.
1096
00:39:17,692 --> 00:39:19,360
To repeat, he is believed--
1097
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,029
[jazzy music]
1098
00:39:22,029 --> 00:39:25,783
It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.
1099
00:39:25,783 --> 00:39:27,994
Oh. Oh, my God.
1100
00:39:27,994 --> 00:39:29,871
Oh, my God, I'm my mother.
1101
00:39:29,871 --> 00:39:31,789
Well, your mother
actually had sex,
1102
00:39:31,789 --> 00:39:34,584
so that comparison
doesn't really work.
1103
00:39:34,584 --> 00:39:36,252
But at least
you got a girlfriend now.
1104
00:39:36,252 --> 00:39:38,588
Eh, sort of.
1105
00:39:38,588 --> 00:39:40,590
Whoa, what do you mean,
"sort of"?
1106
00:39:40,590 --> 00:39:42,925
Bethany's spending
the summer in Italy.
1107
00:39:42,925 --> 00:39:44,177
She's leaving tomorrow.
1108
00:39:44,177 --> 00:39:45,970
Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that.
1109
00:39:45,970 --> 00:39:48,431
That vagina's gonna be
right where you left it.
1110
00:39:48,431 --> 00:39:49,932
- You think so?
- Oh, yeah,
1111
00:39:49,932 --> 00:39:52,393
Italian guys are famous
for their sexual restraint
1112
00:39:52,393 --> 00:39:54,187
and respect for women.
1113
00:39:54,187 --> 00:39:56,355
- Oh, you were saying--
- I was saying the opposite.
1114
00:39:56,355 --> 00:39:57,857
You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,
1115
00:39:57,857 --> 00:39:58,941
a bit, like an opposite thing.
- I was saying the thing
1116
00:39:58,941 --> 00:40:00,109
they don't do.
- You motherfucker.
1117
00:40:00,109 --> 00:40:02,070
Yeah.
1118
00:40:02,070 --> 00:40:04,030
Man, junior year
was weird, huh?
1119
00:40:04,030 --> 00:40:06,032
Yeah, it sucked,
no doubt about it.
1120
00:40:06,032 --> 00:40:07,533
Yeah.
1121
00:40:07,533 --> 00:40:09,202
But you know what?
1122
00:40:09,202 --> 00:40:11,412
Would've sucked way worse
without you, buddy.
1123
00:40:11,412 --> 00:40:12,747
Thanks, man.
1124
00:40:12,747 --> 00:40:15,083
That touches me deeply...
1125
00:40:15,083 --> 00:40:16,959
which is what's gonna happen
to Bethany in Italy.
1126
00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:18,252
Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, you motherfucker.
1127
00:40:18,252 --> 00:40:19,504
- That was the last one.
- Like, seriously though?
1128
00:40:19,504 --> 00:40:20,505
I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.
1129
00:40:20,505 --> 00:40:22,382
Last one.
1130
00:40:22,382 --> 00:40:24,425
I wonder what senior year's
gonna be like.
1131
00:40:24,425 --> 00:40:25,927
I don't know.
1132
00:40:25,927 --> 00:40:27,762
But you know what?
I say we make it great.
1133
00:40:27,762 --> 00:40:29,597
Really turn our lives around,
you know?
1134
00:40:29,597 --> 00:40:31,974
Yeah.
Yeah, like actually do all
1135
00:40:31,974 --> 00:40:33,976
the summer reading and shit,
like, show up prepared.
1136
00:40:33,976 --> 00:40:36,062
Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.
1137
00:40:36,062 --> 00:40:38,398
Yeah. That sounds great.
1138
00:40:38,398 --> 00:40:40,149
First thing tomorrow.
1139
00:40:41,692 --> 00:40:43,653
Looks like it might rain.
1140
00:40:43,653 --> 00:40:45,279
[thunder crashes]
Jesus fucking Christ!
1141
00:40:45,279 --> 00:40:47,115
Fucking shit!
Why does it have to do that?
1142
00:40:47,115 --> 00:40:49,283
Oh, my God,
it's so fucking scary.
1143
00:40:49,283 --> 00:40:51,369
- I hate the thunder!
- Fuck you, thunder!
1144
00:40:51,369 --> 00:40:53,454
Yeah, you can suck my dick!
1145
00:40:53,454 --> 00:40:55,039
Oh, my God, Teddy.
1146
00:40:55,039 --> 00:40:56,290
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1147
00:40:56,290 --> 00:40:57,834
Get the guitar.
1148
00:40:57,834 --> 00:41:05,007
♪ ♪
1149
00:41:32,118 --> 00:41:34,662
[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
1150
00:41:34,662 --> 00:41:39,041
♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪
1151
00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:42,295
♪ And yet, alas,
that someone adores you ♪
1152
00:41:42,295 --> 00:41:43,880
♪ ♪
1153
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:47,592
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
1154
00:41:47,592 --> 00:41:50,136
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
1155
00:41:50,136 --> 00:41:53,639
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
1156
00:41:53,639 --> 00:41:57,060
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
1157
00:41:57,060 --> 00:42:03,149
♪ But you just don't care
'cause your ♪
1158
00:42:03,149 --> 00:42:05,401
♪ Best friend is me ♪
1159
00:42:05,401 --> 00:42:12,408
♪ ♪