1 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,176 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,887 * * 3 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,739 [jazzy music] 9 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:34,534 * * 10 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:35,994 - All right. 11 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,997 We have come to the final unit here in health class-- 12 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,749 sexual education. 13 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,667 Now, this is mature subject matter, 14 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,503 and I expect you all to handle it with maturity 15 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,130 like the young adults you are becoming. 16 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,882 - I'm scared, Teddy. 17 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,551 What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner? 18 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,720 - Hey, you're getting a boner before this class ends, buddy. 19 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,555 The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. 20 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,184 - Sexual intercourse is a physical expression 21 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,687 of love and affection that is perfectly natural 22 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,980 and often deadly. 23 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,608 Sexually transmitted diseases include 24 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:09,486 gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, 25 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,113 HPV, hepatitis A through C-- 26 00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:15,408 - * JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? * 27 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,743 [laughter] * We didn't start the fire * 28 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,994 - Ted, knock it off! 29 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,080 See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. 30 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,791 To avoid sexually transmitted disease, 31 00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,418 it is important to practice safe sex. 32 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:29,756 Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? 33 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259 No one? 34 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,427 Masturbation. 35 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,137 - Hey, if you're gonna assign homework, 36 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,430 Johnny already did it this morning. 37 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,598 - Hey, shut the fuck up, dude! 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,392 - He's doing extra credit. - Be quiet! 39 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,893 - Stop it! - Oh! 40 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,728 - You keep that up, you're headed for detention, mister. 41 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:47,315 Now, why is it important to practice safe sex? 42 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:51,111 Well, it all begins with biology. 43 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,862 - Aw, here we go. - Let's start 44 00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:56,950 with the female reproductive system. 45 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,243 - Oh, no. 46 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,286 - Holy shit. That's fast, even for you. 47 00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,706 [bell rings] 48 00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,416 - Well, I'm glad that's over, huh? 49 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,960 - I know, that was like sex ed for babies. 50 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,044 - What? 51 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,337 - I mean, you're really gonna talk 52 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,548 about masturbation and leave out edging? 53 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,466 - Seriously. He didn't even talk about 54 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,469 how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity. 55 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,054 - Did you see how when I brought up rimming, 56 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,723 he flipped to the glossary? 57 00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:21,391 [both chuckling] - Wait, you t-- 58 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,143 you two have had sex? 59 00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,310 - [sarcastically] No. 60 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,979 I'm felching my own jizz. 61 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,689 Pfft! Duh, we're 16. 62 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:28,732 - When? With who? 63 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,525 - A few weeks ago, with each other. 64 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,193 - We didn't want to be the last ones in school 65 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,278 to lose our virginity. 66 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:34,320 - Oh, yeah. [laughs] 67 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,822 No. Right, of course. 68 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,490 How--how lame would that be, right? 69 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,659 - Wow, I didn't even know you two guys were dating. 70 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,119 Andrew, I thought you were gay. 71 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,579 - I don't know. Might be. 72 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,497 I just know I'm not a fucking loser. 73 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,708 - You're so confident. I love it. 74 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,293 - Let's go to the computer room. 75 00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,920 We can do it on the Oregon Trail. 76 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,673 - Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means? 77 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,550 I'm the last virgin in school. 78 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,760 - What about Ben Carness? 79 00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,136 - No, he slept with his math teacher. 80 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,512 That's why she got fired. 81 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,389 - I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust. 82 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,058 - Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade. 83 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,100 - Oh. Oh, wow-- 84 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,393 oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess. 85 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,354 - Anyway, dude, this is serious. 86 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,938 I need to hurry up and have sex with somebody 87 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,815 before people find out and I'm humiliated. 88 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,776 - You're right. We gotta find a buyer. 89 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:14,027 Fresh penis! 90 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,153 Get your fresh penis here! 91 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,529 - Ted, Jesus Christ! 92 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,531 - This penis used to belong to a little old lady 93 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,075 who only fucked it on Sundays! 94 00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,493 Still has that new penis smell! 95 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,619 - Will you shut up? 96 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,162 - All right, I'm just trying to help. 97 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:30,377 * * 98 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,003 - Okay, what about Talia? 99 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,381 - Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you. 100 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:35,548 - Hey, you don't know that. 101 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,258 - You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny? 102 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,510 They're brooding degenerates. 103 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,053 They paint their nails. 104 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,097 Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails? 105 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,390 - I could paint my nails. 106 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:44,891 - Oh, ok--oh, you want to be nail-painting guy? 107 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,102 Okay, get ready to never be funny. 108 00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,311 No more jokes. 109 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,688 You never get to make a joke again. 110 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:50,605 - Why not? 111 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,357 - Nail-paint guy is very serious. 112 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,733 If you're on a cruise and you spot 113 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,568 the captain bringing a lady passenger 114 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,195 back to his cabin, what do you say? 115 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,530 - Well, you say, "Thar she blows." 116 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,240 - No, you don't. You say, "Good for them." 117 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,076 You say, "Everyone deserves love in this fucked-up world," 118 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,327 'cause you got painted nails. 119 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,954 - Wait, can I--can I say, "Shiver me timbers"? 120 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,330 - No, you cannot. No jokes. 121 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,456 Only finger colors. 122 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,250 [door opens] 123 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,584 Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think 124 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,253 one of your college friends would be willing 125 00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,838 to have sex with John? 126 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,214 - [sarcastically] Yeah, every lit major wants 127 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,299 to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets. 128 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,719 - Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus. 129 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,886 You got any friends like that? 130 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,763 - Okay, why are you asking me this? 131 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,849 - 'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class. 132 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,100 - Come on, your friends are always 133 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,226 trying to do good in the world. 134 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,561 How about one of 'em takes a break 135 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,438 from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate? 136 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,440 - Yeah, no. I'm not helping you. 137 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,442 - God, I'm pathetic. 138 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,485 - Ah, come on. There's a lot of cool virgins. 139 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,779 The Flying Nun, 140 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,407 Richie Rich, 141 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,075 the Lincoln Memorial... 142 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,537 That yearbook. 143 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,330 - I've never had sex, 144 00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,749 never had a girlfriend. 145 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,667 Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody. 146 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,336 - You kissed Michael Dukakis 147 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,628 at that parade when you were nine. 148 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,255 - Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me. 149 00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,050 - It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper. 150 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,426 Look, don't worry, Johnny. 151 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,053 There's a lot of alleys in Boston. 152 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,763 One of them's gotta have a glory hole. 153 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,515 And if it doesn't, we're going to Worcester. 154 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,520 - Look at all these welfare queens. 155 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,564 See, tha-that's the problem with this country. 156 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,316 Everybody expects everything handed to them 157 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,318 on a silver platter. 158 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,527 - Hey, guys. 159 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,030 Um, can I talk to you about something? 160 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,323 - You want a tuna sandwich? 161 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,824 - No, I'm--I'm okay. 162 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,451 Um... 163 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:27,911 it's about John. 164 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:32,999 Uh, I think he might be on the verge of-- 165 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252 Well, I--I think he's interested 166 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,630 in becoming sexually active. 167 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,341 - What do you mean? 168 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:45,178 - Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that. 169 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,848 Um, have you guys ever talked to John a-about sex? 170 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,142 - Course not. He's only 16. 171 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,311 - Talking about sex is rude. 172 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,689 - So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher 173 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,565 and a horny teddy bear? 174 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,608 I mean, how do you expect him to learn 175 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,151 what he needs to know? 176 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,529 - When you get drafted, they show you a film. 177 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:06,449 - Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, 178 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:07,617 but it's really important. 179 00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:08,702 - Tony Randall was in it. 180 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,787 - You're absolutely right, Blaire. 181 00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,706 You know what I'm gonna do? 182 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,583 I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth from "The Globe," 183 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,669 and I'll slide it under his door. 184 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,421 - Guys, there's nothing shameful 185 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,839 about human sexuality. 186 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,048 - You've never been in a strip club 187 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,175 when the lights come on. 188 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,720 And neither have I. 189 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,513 - Matty, this isn't a joke, okay? 190 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,889 He needs to know this stuff. 191 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,642 - Look, I-I'll talk to him when the time is right. 192 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:33,810 - And I'm telling you, 193 00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:36,146 as somebody who knows him really well, 194 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,647 it's the right time. 195 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,149 Okay, I think you're trying to avoid 196 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,400 an uncomfortable conversation, 197 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,235 and honestly, that's selfish of you. 198 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,320 - All I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here. 199 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,780 Jesus. 200 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,365 Your period coming in or something? 201 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,201 - I--what? 202 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,037 - Forget it. - Coming in? 203 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,747 Like it's my fucking adult teeth? 204 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,540 - Forget I brought it up. - Fuck, it sounds like 205 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,250 you need the talk, not him. 206 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,627 Do you have any idea how a period actually works? 207 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,046 - I know enough. 208 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,422 - No one's ever explained it to you, have they? 209 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,840 - I tried once, 210 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,301 but Matty said it was too close to the holidays. 211 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,011 - Oh, my God. Aunt Suze, 212 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,888 think about your son, all right? 213 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,264 Don't you want John to grow up 214 00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,266 to be a sexually healthy adult? 215 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,477 - Blaire, language. 216 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,354 - My parents never talked to me about sex. 217 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,148 I figured it all out on my own, and I'm doing just fine. 218 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,527 - We'll talk to John. 219 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:30,075 * * 220 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,077 [knock on door] 221 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,161 - Come in. 222 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,288 - John? 223 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,623 - Yeah? 224 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,832 - Are you alone? 225 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,250 - Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went 226 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,543 to the store to get Doritos. 227 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,921 - Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey. 228 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,131 - We do? - Oh, yeah, always. 229 00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,883 - Oh, that's right. We're trash. 230 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,635 - John, your father and I, 231 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:52,597 we want to talk to you about something. 232 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,183 It's a private thing. 233 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,184 - What is it? 234 00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190 - John, 235 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:08,530 sometimes when two grown-ups are married, 236 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,157 and they're in a bed, 237 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,535 and it's nighttime, 238 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:17,706 they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas. 239 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,499 - Jesus Christ, Susan! 240 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,583 It's like this, John. 241 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,127 Men and women have different parts, 242 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,587 and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. 243 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,214 Just give the motor a minute to warm up. 244 00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,008 If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket, 245 00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,218 seize up, and you're looking at minimum a grand 246 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,261 for a new engine block. 247 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,179 That's sex. 248 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,597 Fuck me. 249 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,687 - John. 250 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:50,697 Someday, when you're older, 251 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,034 you're gonna have your first time, 252 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,703 and it should be special, honey. 253 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:57,912 - Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom. 254 00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,457 - I want it to be better than my first time. 255 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,416 - God, no, please don't-- 256 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,044 - It was 1974. 257 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:07,130 And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson's 258 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,509 off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly, 259 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,388 when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV. 260 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:18,183 Nixon had resigned. 261 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,811 Oh, your father, he was so distracted 262 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,772 and just so agitated and-- 263 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,482 - Mom, really, you don't have to do this. 264 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,151 - I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn't. 265 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,403 He was too upset. He just kept yelling, 266 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:33,406 "The hippies have won! The hippies have won! 267 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,076 They've won! They've won!" 268 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,744 [sighs] 269 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,121 I hope this helped. 270 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,212 * * 271 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,757 [lighter flicking] 272 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,967 - Ugh. [exhales] 273 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,928 This fucking resin's giving me a headache. 274 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,638 Can't you call your guy? 275 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,390 - Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat. 276 00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,391 - Ah, shit. 277 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,478 Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever? 278 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,521 I mean, what do I do? 279 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,064 - [coughing] Look, 280 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,816 I know the glory hole thing didn't work out, 281 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,734 but at least we got to see the city. 282 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,194 We met that friendly homeless guy 283 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,154 who taught us a lesson and then died. 284 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:15,573 - Yeah, but I mean, like, what if this is my future? 285 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,033 - Well, if it is, you just gotta learn 286 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,952 to live with the embarrassment. 287 00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,954 - Yeah, I mean, it could be worse. 288 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,997 I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls 289 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,457 and had to go to the hospital. 290 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,167 - What? - Yeah. 291 00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,961 Yeah. I mean, that's humiliation. 292 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,755 - Like--like, Mr. Belvedere from the TV show? 293 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,881 - Yeah. Yeah, man. 294 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,008 He was riding in a convertible 295 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,217 during the Hollywood Christmas parade, 296 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,428 fell backwards, crushed his own balls. 297 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,013 - Jesus. 298 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,933 Would you rather have that happen to you at a parade 299 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,186 or what happened to JFK happen to you at a parade? 300 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,646 - Oh, God, I honestly don't know. 301 00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:47,981 - Yeah, that's a tough one, right? 302 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,232 - That's a really tough one. That's, like, one of 303 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,316 the hardest would-you-rathers I've ever heard. 304 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,484 - I know. That's, like, a brainteaser. 305 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:52,652 - God, I'm too high to think about that. 306 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,154 - Yeah, it's a tough one. 307 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,409 - Okay, all right, fuck this. 308 00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:00,994 We gotta get some real weed. 309 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,996 - Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt? 310 00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,247 - What, like, smoking-hot Sheila? 311 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,291 - Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before. 312 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,710 She sent us to that dealer who turned out to be Blaire. 313 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,045 - Oh, yeah, that wasn't good. 314 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,422 - Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said. 315 00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,506 Be careful what you wish... 316 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,841 [together] Agh, my heart. 317 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,885 - Yeah. - Yeah, he died. 318 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:24,059 * * 319 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,649 Oh. Hey. 320 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,692 - Hey. 321 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:33,860 Ted, right? 322 00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:34,903 - Yeah, that's right. 323 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,863 Uh, hey, is your sister here? 324 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,823 - Uh, yeah. 325 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,326 Sheila, you got company! 326 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,494 See you later. 327 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,541 John? 328 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,001 - Oh. Hi, Bethany. 329 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,753 - Hi. How's it going? 330 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:52,962 - Uh, it's going good. 331 00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,673 My, uh-- my teddy bear's upstairs 332 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:55,674 buying drugs from your sister. 333 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,217 - Ah, nice. 334 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,681 Wh--sex ed class was weird the other day. 335 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,057 - Oh, yeah, it was super weird. 336 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,642 - Yeah, I still can't get the image 337 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,853 of Mr. Maynard putting a condom on a banana out of my head. 338 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,355 - Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like-- 339 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,357 like, can you imagine, like, being a banana, 340 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,026 and--and, like, you get picked, and then you get put on a boat, 341 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,277 and then you get put into the market, 342 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,363 and--and you're thinking the whole time, like, 343 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,408 oh, I hope I get to be made into, like, a cream pie 344 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,994 or, like, used as a phone for humor. 345 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,413 And then you're just sitting in our class, 346 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,289 pretending to be a dick. 347 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,792 - Well, I-I gotta go. 348 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:31,918 - Oh, okay, yeah, for sure. 349 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,003 - Yeah. - Yeah. Good to see you. 350 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,088 See you later. 351 00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,506 - You promise this is just for you, right? 352 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,591 'Cause I don't want to get busted for enabling. 353 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,386 - Nope, just me and the rest of the guys in the doo-wop group. 354 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,930 Those guys need a buzz to feel the music, you know. 355 00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,265 Me, I'm good when I'm straight. 356 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,808 That's why I'm always the one talking 357 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,101 to management about payment. 358 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:49,394 You know, anything logistic like that, 359 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,687 it always falls on my-- - Yeah, yeah. 360 00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:51,813 You looking for something mellow 361 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:52,939 or something more potent? 362 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:53,982 - Well, my last guy gave me 363 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,066 something that was pretty good. 364 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,526 It was called Confident Gorilla. 365 00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:58,278 You got any of that? - I don't think so, 366 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,740 but I just got this new batch called Heartbeat Fingers. 367 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,409 - Ah, yeah, no, that--no, tha-that doesn't sound so good. 368 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,410 Uh, uh, what else? 369 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,536 - Uh, let me look. 370 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622 - So, Sheila, 371 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,042 no offense, but you ever think about doing something 372 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,544 about that god-awful name? 373 00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,507 Got it. 374 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,592 - Oh, hell yeah. 375 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,968 - Yeah, by the way, just FYI, 376 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,970 Sheila is her dead mother's name, 377 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,972 so we're not allowed to shop here anymore. 378 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,891 - Oh, man, Kafka Trip? 379 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,142 Isn't this the stuff that made me think 380 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,894 the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me? 381 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,479 - Well, she only had a few other batches. 382 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,232 Uh, Heartbeat Fingers, Bathroom Mirror Reckoning, 383 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,152 What Was That, and Why Won't The Pee Start. 384 00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,653 - Yikes. - All right, go on. 385 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,780 Put it in your bag. 386 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,156 - Hey! 387 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,200 Hey, we need that pot, you motherfucker! 388 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,037 [both grunting] 389 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,955 Get off me! 390 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,878 - Jesus, nice save! 391 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,421 - Man, fuck that guy. 392 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,215 We should call the fucking cops. 393 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,301 - Yeah, maybe--maybe under the circumstances, no. 394 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,178 - Oh, my God! Are you okay? 395 00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,639 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 396 00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,265 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 397 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,018 - I can't believe you did that. That was so cool! 398 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,812 - No, I was just reacting in the moment. 399 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,896 It's not that big a deal. 400 00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,023 - No, that took guts. 401 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,693 You're, like, kind of awesome. 402 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,653 - Well, you know, when you're addicted to a substance, 403 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,613 you can do anything you put your mind to. 404 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:27,534 - I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon, 405 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:33,164 but after that, would you maybe want to hang out? 406 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:36,876 Maybe see a movie or get food or whatever? 407 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,796 - Yeah. Yeah, sure. 408 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:40,964 - Want to pick me up at 7:00? 409 00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,590 - Definitely. 410 00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,801 - Cool. 411 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,052 - See ya. 412 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,557 Holy shit, I got a date. 413 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,558 - A date? 414 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,059 Johnny, look at the big picture. 415 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,894 This is your chance to have sex. 416 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:55,937 - What, you think so? 417 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,230 - She called you "cool." 418 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,857 Chicks have sex with cool guys. 419 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,233 - Yeah. Yeah, maybe. 420 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,901 - Fuck "maybe." Trust me on this. 421 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,696 We are gonna make sure you don't blow this opportunity. 422 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,197 And I will guide you. 423 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,867 I will be... [grunting] 424 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,744 Your Master Yoda. 425 00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:11,995 - I mean, I guess I could try. 426 00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:14,247 - Screw or screw not. There is no try. 427 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,915 Now, let's get you some exercise. 428 00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,709 Run, Johnny, run! Run! 429 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,670 "Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force, 430 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,088 but beware the dark side." 431 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,382 I mean, unless she says it's okay. 432 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:32,140 [jazzy music] 433 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,892 * * 434 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,143 - Are we sure about this? 435 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,353 - Look, you gotta have condoms 436 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,812 locked and loaded on your date. 437 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,356 When you get--well, you know, 438 00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:41,816 maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready. 439 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,985 - There's a lot of options. I don't know what to pick. 440 00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,696 - Well, which one speaks to you? 441 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,198 - Maybe these? 442 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,657 "Ribbed for her pleasure"? 443 00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,785 - Good choice. And you want to know a trick? 444 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:54,788 You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure. 445 00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,039 - You can do that? 446 00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,123 - Oh, yeah, she'll be like, 447 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,416 where's the pleasure? 448 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,543 And you'll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don't know. 449 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,545 Uh, I didn't know there was any pleasure. 450 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,881 - Can I help you young men pick out a condom? 451 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,466 - Uh, no. 452 00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,385 Act-actually, we were-- we were just leaving. 453 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,761 - Oh, please don't go. 454 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,554 One of the joys of my job is pairing 455 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,306 the right young man with the right condom. 456 00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,392 - Oh, that's...normal. 457 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,560 - Well, I don't really know what I want. 458 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,187 - Well, tell me about the girl. 459 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,898 - Um, she's got medium brown hair, 460 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,108 average height. 461 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,776 I-I think she might be on the swim team. 462 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,695 - I see. Jewish? 463 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,113 - I don't think so. 464 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,115 - Well, that rules these out. 465 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,533 What about community activism? 466 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867 Does she do any charity work? 467 00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,120 - I--I honestly don't know. 468 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,289 - Why don't you try a Ramses? 469 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,334 Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather, 470 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,628 can withstand over 300 pounds of torque. 471 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,047 - Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do? 472 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,841 - Uh, thank you. 473 00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,175 - I just want to say, I've been watching 474 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,427 you shop here for years. 475 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,429 I've been waiting for this day. 476 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,890 Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but... 477 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,434 [whispers] Congratulations. 478 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,185 - I need an adult! I need an adult! 479 00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,478 - It's okay. It's all right, Johnny. 480 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,688 It's all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy. 481 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:02,689 Keep the extra. 482 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:03,982 - Hey! You! 483 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,316 Get away from that kid! 484 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,570 Now, how can I help you? 485 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,117 * * 486 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,952 - Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this. 487 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,203 - This feels weird. 488 00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,997 - Look, you have trouble taking off her bra, 489 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,123 she's gonna know you're a virgin. 490 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,249 - Shit, really? 491 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,208 - Trust me, all right? 492 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,710 Now take it off. 493 00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:25,795 - Okay. 494 00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,047 What are you doing? 495 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,131 - Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you. 496 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,132 You gotta work for it. 497 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,508 - Jesus. 498 00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,304 Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp. 499 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,680 - Oh, no, you gotta earn it. 500 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,016 All right, now let's pretend you're a randy executive 501 00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,684 and I'm your secretary. Go. 502 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,145 [high-pitched] Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself! 503 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,814 For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you're a married man! 504 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,107 - Teddy, come on! 505 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,484 - Who's Teddy? I'm Debra. 506 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,361 I just moved to the big city 507 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,945 with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams 508 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,073 and an associate's degree from Katharine Gibbs. 509 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,908 - Uh, hi. 510 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,618 What the hell are you doing in my bra? 511 00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:59,120 - The question is, what am I stilldoing in your bra. 512 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,830 Johnny? 513 00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:02,624 - I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt, 514 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,167 and I'm-- 515 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,002 I'm practicing in case we have sex. 516 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,505 - Practicing what? 517 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,382 - I want her to think I'm experienced, 518 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,258 you know, like I've done it a lot. 519 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,635 - Okay. 520 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,680 Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic. 521 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,683 Uh, one, whoever this girl is, 522 00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:20,975 she's not gonna want to have sex with you 523 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,644 if she thinks that's all you're interested in. 524 00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:25,980 And two, she's definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks 525 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,565 you've been sleeping around with other girls. 526 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,359 - Wait, so I can't want to have sex with her? 527 00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,694 - No, you just-- 528 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,737 eh, you can't want it too much, you know? 529 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,240 - Okay, well, what's the right amount to want it? 530 00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,741 - Just be yourself. 531 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,659 Okay? 532 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,993 The rest will happen naturally. 533 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,371 - Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself 534 00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,833 for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina. 535 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,876 Am I getting that number right, John, zero? 536 00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,545 - Yeah, yeah, zero. 537 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,505 I think-- [sighs] 538 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,007 I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way. 539 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,759 - That is a very self-destructive sentence. 540 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,053 - Blaire, please, you're disrupting a teachable moment. 541 00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:58,221 - Fuck it. 542 00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,222 Whatever, I tried. 543 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,724 Just give me my bra back. 544 00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,854 - Now you know! 545 00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691 - Teddy, we're missing something here. 546 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:10,817 - What? 547 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,402 - How am I even supposed to get to the sex 548 00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,029 if she doesn't have a good time? 549 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,114 I mean, I haven't even planned the fucking date. 550 00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,699 - Johnny, you are gonna take her 551 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,576 on the best date of her life. 552 00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:20,744 - What do you mean? How? 553 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,454 - Your teddy bear's got you covered. 554 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:27,917 * * 555 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,419 Hey, Bethany. 556 00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,212 This is for you. 557 00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,714 - Ted? 558 00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:33,590 What's this? 559 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,592 - Your attire for the evening. 560 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,219 - Wh--I-I'm wearing my outfit for the evening. 561 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,220 Where's John? 562 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,347 - He awaits you 563 00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,557 on your flying carpet. 564 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:46,102 [sweeping orchestral music] 565 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:53,068 * * 566 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661 - Oh, John, I-I can't believe you did this. 567 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,081 - Yeah, well, it's our first date. 568 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,500 I wanted to make it special. 569 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,878 - I have sort of a confession to make. 570 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,380 - What is it? 571 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,090 - I still haven't seen "Aladdin." 572 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467 - Aw, man. Are you serious? 573 00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,219 I thought, like, every girl loved that movie. 574 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,679 - My friends love it. 575 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,931 I have kind of weird taste in movies. 576 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,349 - Like what? 577 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,433 - It's kind of embarrassing. 578 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976 - No, you gotta tell me now. 579 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:30,772 - Well, there's this really good bad movie 580 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,149 from the early '80s called "Flash Gordon." 581 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:35,402 - No fuckin' way! 582 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,528 - You've seen "Flash Gordon"? 583 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,946 - Oh, only, like, a thousand times! 584 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,447 Of course. It's my favorite fucking movie. 585 00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,657 - You're just saying that. - No, no, no. 586 00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:43,034 "Who are you? Flash Gordon. 587 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,452 Quarterback, New York Jets." 588 00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:47,038 - I love that! And when Princess Aura's like, 589 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,290 "Father! Damn you, Father!" 590 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,543 - Oh, man, is that a four-pack-a-day voice or what? 591 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,420 - Dude, those lungs are working overtime. 592 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:54,879 - Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like, 593 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,340 "That must be one hell of a planet you men come from." 594 00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,341 And Flash says.. 595 00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,884 [together] "Not too bad." 596 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:00,927 - Oh, my God. 597 00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,637 Holy shit. 598 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,348 I have never met a girl who liked that movie. 599 00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,809 - Well, now you have. 600 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,231 - Oh, shit! 601 00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:14,315 [tires screech] 602 00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:15,358 - Ah! 603 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,360 [both grunting] 604 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,862 [squirrel chitters] 605 00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,364 - Oh, my God! 606 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:23,241 Jesus Christ, are you guys okay? 607 00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,701 - I think so. 608 00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,161 - Johnny, Johnny, you all right? 609 00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:27,287 Talk to me! 610 00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,914 - Teddy? 611 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,041 Did I sex? 612 00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,500 - You sure did, buddy. 613 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:34,127 You sexed real good. 614 00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:35,879 You sexed real good. 615 00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:43,511 * * 616 00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,555 - You know, you're lucky you weren't more hurt. 617 00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:46,890 How are you feeling now? 618 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,850 - Not too bad, actually. My arm is a little-- 619 00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:50,018 - No, him. 620 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,102 - Oh, right, yeah. 621 00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:52,228 - I'm okay. 622 00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:54,230 Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much. 623 00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:57,067 Uh, doctor, I-I really have no idea how this happened. 624 00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,152 You know, we were both sitting inside the car, 625 00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,487 and we had our seatbelts on, 626 00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:01,863 you know, as is required by law-- 627 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,324 - Son, this isn't my first night in the ER. 628 00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,159 I saw the carpet burns. 629 00:22:06,201 --> 00:22:09,412 I know when kids have been "A Whole New World-ing." 630 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,039 I curse the day that movie came out. 631 00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:13,083 All right. You're gonna be okay. 632 00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,542 There's no concussion. 633 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,087 But I need you to get some rest for the next few days. 634 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,421 And stay off cars. 635 00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,674 - Okay. Thanks. 636 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,222 - Listen, I'm-- I'm sorry about tonight. 637 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,223 You know, it was stupid. 638 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,891 - No, it wasn't. 639 00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:32,727 It was romantic and thoughtful. 640 00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:34,104 - Wait, so you're not mad? 641 00:22:34,145 --> 00:22:35,397 - No. 642 00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:38,775 I like you--a lot. 643 00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,860 - Okay, well, do you maybe want to go 644 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,404 on an inside-the-car date sometime? 645 00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:43,780 - [chuckles] 646 00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:45,240 I have a better idea. 647 00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:47,867 I was supposed to go to the prom with Danny Hirsh, 648 00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,328 but his acne has reached a point 649 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,330 where I need to take action. 650 00:22:52,372 --> 00:22:54,499 Would you maybe want to go? 651 00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:55,792 - Yeah. 652 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,127 Yeah, yeah, of course. 653 00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,129 - Cool. 654 00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:02,799 I'm actually kind of surprised you don't have a date already. 655 00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:05,010 Although I guess I haven't seen you 656 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,678 around school with a girlfriend. 657 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,347 - Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends. 658 00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:10,557 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 659 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,017 Oh, yeah. You're looking at a guy 660 00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:14,477 with a whole lot of experience... 661 00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:15,687 with fucking. 662 00:23:15,729 --> 00:23:16,730 Right, Johnny? 663 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,940 - Uh--uh, yeah. 664 00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:21,359 Yeah, I'm still sore from yesterday, you know? 665 00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:24,237 Yeah, a whole lot of-- whole lot of pounds of torque. 666 00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:25,572 - Oh. - Trust me, 667 00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:27,574 this guy knows his way around a woman. 668 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,034 You know what they call him at school? 669 00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,493 The Ladyboy. 670 00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,537 He's that seasoned. 671 00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,539 - Sorry, we need this room. 672 00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:37,083 We got another one. 673 00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:39,336 Goddamn movie. 674 00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:42,589 * * 675 00:23:42,630 --> 00:23:44,424 - Guess what? 676 00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:48,720 One of the eggs had two yolks. 677 00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,056 I can't wait to get invited to a party. 678 00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,515 I have small talk. 679 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:56,019 - Well, you know, uh, Johnny also has some good news. 680 00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:57,937 - Aw, shut up, man. - No, no, no. 681 00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:00,065 No, no, no, we're doing this. I'm proud of you, man. 682 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,859 Our boy has been invited to the prom. 683 00:24:02,901 --> 00:24:04,402 - [gasps] - What? 684 00:24:04,444 --> 00:24:05,779 Are you serious? - Wait a minute. 685 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,322 Wait a minute. Invited? 686 00:24:07,364 --> 00:24:08,656 She invited you? 687 00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:10,575 - Yeah. - See that, Susan? 688 00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,160 Still think the Clintons are harmless? 689 00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:14,037 - Times are changing, Matty. You gotta keep up. 690 00:24:14,079 --> 00:24:15,497 - Oh, John! 691 00:24:15,538 --> 00:24:18,500 I'm so happy for you. [chuckles] 692 00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,210 Who's the lucky girl? 693 00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:21,753 - Bethany Borgwardt. 694 00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,130 - Wait, the--the girl from the other night? 695 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:24,923 The one with the-- 696 00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,174 - The bra lady, yeah. 697 00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:28,468 Guess somebody gave him some good advice. 698 00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,680 - Well, I'm very surprised. 699 00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:34,808 Uh, I guess, good luck. 700 00:24:34,849 --> 00:24:36,559 - All right, I gotta go to work. 701 00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:37,686 I'll see you later. 702 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:38,728 - Don't forget your lunch, honey. 703 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:40,105 - [grunts] 704 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,816 Take the fruit out! 705 00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:44,526 I can't be seen at work with a plum! 706 00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:45,819 - Why? 707 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,612 There's fiber in here, hon. 708 00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,781 You haven't made caca yet. 709 00:24:49,823 --> 00:24:51,658 - Hey, Blaire, you know, since Johnny's got a date, 710 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:52,867 how about you and me go to the prom? 711 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,536 - Yeah, no thanks. 712 00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:55,578 - Why not? 713 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:56,830 - A high school prom? 714 00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:58,289 Been there, done that. 715 00:24:58,331 --> 00:24:59,791 No booze, no thanks. 716 00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,167 - Ah, come on. Don't leave me hanging! 717 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:02,752 Johnny's gonna be off getting laid. 718 00:25:02,794 --> 00:25:03,712 I don't want to be stuck talking 719 00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:04,879 to a bunch of wiener bags. 720 00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,006 - Don't you think you're being 721 00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:07,632 a little overconfident about this? 722 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:09,676 I mean, he just started dating this girl. 723 00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:10,802 - Yeah, but it's-- 724 00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,095 it's going really good, Blaire. 725 00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:13,763 We had a great time on our first date. 726 00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:14,973 Even the hospital was fun. 727 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,766 - Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure. 728 00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:19,602 I mean, unless, you know, the timing's off. 729 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:20,603 - What do you mean? 730 00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:21,980 - Well, I mean, you know, if-- 731 00:25:22,022 --> 00:25:24,149 if she's gotta make her period. 732 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:25,900 - What? - You know, if it's 733 00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,193 that time of the week. 734 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,946 - Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period? 735 00:25:29,988 --> 00:25:31,948 - Well, like, you can't have sex then, right? 736 00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:34,200 Like, I heard that if you have sex 737 00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:35,785 while a girl's doing her period, 738 00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:38,079 then--then you could go back in time. 739 00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:40,665 - I think I just went back in time. 740 00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:42,334 Does any male in this house 741 00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:45,795 actually even fucking know how it works? 742 00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,631 Well, do you? 743 00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:50,050 - I-I do not. - I actually 744 00:25:50,091 --> 00:25:51,051 have no idea, no. - Yeah. 745 00:25:51,092 --> 00:25:52,218 - Yeah. - Ugh. Okay. 746 00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:53,887 - I actually was always kind of curious. 747 00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,638 - There's, like, a-- a little tube, right? 748 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,098 - Yes, a tampon. 749 00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,516 - Oh, yeah, I know that word. 750 00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:00,226 - Is a crampon also something? 751 00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:02,062 - A crampon is used for rock climbing. 752 00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,688 It's got nothing to do with periods. 753 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:04,814 - Oh. 754 00:26:04,856 --> 00:26:05,815 It's weird that it has the word 755 00:26:05,857 --> 00:26:06,858 "cramp" in there though, yeah? 756 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,276 - Two completely different things. 757 00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:09,486 - But you can see why I thought-- 758 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,570 - Okay, you want to make jokes, 759 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:11,488 or you want to fucking learn something? 760 00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:12,822 - I wasn't making a joke! 761 00:26:12,864 --> 00:26:14,282 I didn't know about the rock climbing! God! 762 00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:15,533 - How's it work? 763 00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:16,826 Give me your best guess. 764 00:26:16,868 --> 00:26:19,537 - You put the tampon inside. 765 00:26:19,579 --> 00:26:21,581 - Genius, yes. How? 766 00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:23,166 - Y-you swallow it. 767 00:26:23,208 --> 00:26:27,087 - You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina, 768 00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:29,673 and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out. 769 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,633 - And this happens all the time? 770 00:26:31,675 --> 00:26:33,134 - Once a month for just a few days. 771 00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:34,678 - Is it shorter in February? 772 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:35,845 - You want to get fucking wet? 773 00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,222 - No, no, no. No, I'm good, I'm good. 774 00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,726 - Look, I know you guys think you're pretty smart. 775 00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:47,357 But maybe you're not as ready for sex as you think you are. 776 00:26:47,399 --> 00:26:49,984 [phone ringing] 777 00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:54,406 - Hello? 778 00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:55,865 - John, it's Bethany. 779 00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:57,617 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 780 00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:59,703 Yeah, we were, uh--we were just talking about the prom. 781 00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:00,704 I'm really excited. 782 00:27:00,745 --> 00:27:02,080 What time should I pick you up? 783 00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:05,750 - Yeah, about that, I've been thinking, 784 00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,379 maybe it's better if we go separately. 785 00:27:09,421 --> 00:27:11,172 - Wait--wait, what? Why? 786 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:14,342 - I just think you might be a little bit too, um, 787 00:27:14,384 --> 00:27:16,219 experienced for me. 788 00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:17,679 - No, but-- [splutters] 789 00:27:17,721 --> 00:27:19,055 - [high-pitched] Come back to bed, Johnny! 790 00:27:19,097 --> 00:27:20,890 I'm one of your many satisfied 791 00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:22,100 sexual partners! - [whispers] Stop! 792 00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,059 - [whispers] What? He's gonna thank me. 793 00:27:23,101 --> 00:27:25,061 - No, he's not! - Shh! 794 00:27:25,103 --> 00:27:26,980 Hey, uh, can we talk about this? 795 00:27:27,022 --> 00:27:28,648 - I'm sure you've got lots of other girls 796 00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:29,983 who'd love to go with you. 797 00:27:30,025 --> 00:27:31,818 Maybe you ask one of them. 798 00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:33,278 Sorry. 799 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,450 - She dumped me. 800 00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:39,868 - What? 801 00:27:39,909 --> 00:27:43,288 - Yeah, it's--it's over. 802 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:44,497 - No, it's not. 803 00:27:44,539 --> 00:27:46,124 We are gonna do what they do in the movies. 804 00:27:46,166 --> 00:27:48,126 Go over there tonight, stand on her lawn, 805 00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:50,462 and declare your love for all the world to hear. 806 00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:51,463 - Yeah. 807 00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:52,839 [siren chirps] 808 00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,259 Sorry about that, Officer. Thank you so much. 809 00:27:56,301 --> 00:27:57,927 - Our apologies. Won't happen again. 810 00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,596 - Wow, that was so not good. 811 00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,098 - Yeah, her dad really did not care that you love her. 812 00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:03,892 - I can't believe I listened to you. 813 00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,435 You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy! 814 00:28:05,477 --> 00:28:07,729 - It's okay, Johnny. We can still salvage this. 815 00:28:07,771 --> 00:28:09,856 All right, there's gonna be a lot of girls at the prom. 816 00:28:09,898 --> 00:28:11,149 We're gonna get you a fake chest. 817 00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,108 We'll stick a sock in your pants. 818 00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:14,110 - This isn't just about sex, okay? 819 00:28:14,152 --> 00:28:15,445 How many times do I have to stand here 820 00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:17,530 and tell you, I really like her? 821 00:28:17,572 --> 00:28:18,698 She's wicked cool. 822 00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:19,991 We've got a lot in common. 823 00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:22,077 - Wasn't it pretty much just "Flash Gordon"? 824 00:28:22,118 --> 00:28:23,828 - We could have built off that. 825 00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:24,913 Where am I gonna find another girl 826 00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:26,122 who likes that movie? 827 00:28:26,164 --> 00:28:27,123 I mean, you and me like it, 828 00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,416 but that's mostly 'cause of drugs. 829 00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,085 - Okay, look, I fucked up, all right? 830 00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,628 But we can still have fun at the prom. 831 00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,464 Come on, we'll spike the punch and stuff the ballot box 832 00:28:34,506 --> 00:28:36,966 so a couple of horse-faced kids win King and Queen. 833 00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:38,009 - If you want to go to the prom, 834 00:28:38,051 --> 00:28:39,844 you can do it without me. 835 00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,096 - Johnny. 836 00:28:43,473 --> 00:28:47,519 [melancholy music] 837 00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:54,859 [jazzy music] 838 00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:56,569 - Come on, hurry up, 839 00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:59,072 before I change my mind. 840 00:28:59,948 --> 00:29:01,199 Oh, my God, that's-- 841 00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:03,034 that's the tie you landed on? 842 00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,244 - Yeah, what's wrong with it? 843 00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:05,870 - You're wearing a fucking piano tie to prom. 844 00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,455 What are you, in an a-ha video? 845 00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,541 - Well, you know, it's kind of hard to tie a bow tie 846 00:29:09,582 --> 00:29:10,709 when you got no fingers. 847 00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,377 You look great, by the way. 848 00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,254 See? See how easy that is, 849 00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,463 to give someone a compliment? 850 00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:20,301 - Oh, look at you two, all dressed up! 851 00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:23,471 Oh, Matty, don't they look nice? 852 00:29:23,513 --> 00:29:25,181 - Yeah. - Blaire, you should 853 00:29:25,223 --> 00:29:27,809 wear girl clothes more often, hon. 854 00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:28,893 - Thanks. 855 00:29:28,935 --> 00:29:30,520 - Is John going too? 856 00:29:30,562 --> 00:29:33,732 - No, he's, uh-- he's still pretty upset. 857 00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:36,026 - Oh, no, my baby. 858 00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:39,571 - Matty, why don't you go talk to him? 859 00:29:39,612 --> 00:29:40,655 - Huh? 860 00:29:40,697 --> 00:29:42,240 - Go talk to John. 861 00:29:42,282 --> 00:29:43,366 - What do you mean? 862 00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:44,993 - Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi? 863 00:29:45,035 --> 00:29:46,578 Go speak to your son. 864 00:29:46,619 --> 00:29:49,247 Do, like, a, I don't know, father-type thing. 865 00:29:49,289 --> 00:29:51,791 - You know, I remember my junior prom 866 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,169 and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb. 867 00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:57,297 He was so nervous, he accidentally stabbed me 868 00:29:57,339 --> 00:29:59,632 putting on the corsage. 869 00:29:59,674 --> 00:30:02,260 And I didn't want to make a fuss or anything like that, 870 00:30:02,302 --> 00:30:03,636 so I spent the whole night 871 00:30:03,678 --> 00:30:06,806 with this carnation stuck to my breast. 872 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:09,476 - Jesus, this fucking story again. 873 00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,311 I'll talk to John. 874 00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:16,191 - And then I got sepsis, 875 00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:18,526 and I'm still not allowed to swim. 876 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,114 [video game beeping] 877 00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:24,783 - Hey, Johnny, wrap it up. I need your help. 878 00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:26,076 - Just started the game. 879 00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,243 - Tough shit. 880 00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,328 I gotta load our old refrigerator 881 00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,329 in the back of the truck, 882 00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:30,955 dump it in the woods. 883 00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:32,457 - It's 7:30 at night. 884 00:30:32,499 --> 00:30:34,834 - Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John. 885 00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:37,295 But I'll be damned if I'm paying for bulky-item pickup. 886 00:30:37,337 --> 00:30:39,130 Besides, it'll be fun for kids to play in. 887 00:30:39,172 --> 00:30:40,882 - Can't we just do it another time? 888 00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:44,010 - Why? It's not like you have anywhere to go, right? 889 00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:47,639 - Dad, I know what you're doing. 890 00:30:47,681 --> 00:30:48,640 - I'm not doing anything. 891 00:30:48,682 --> 00:30:49,974 I just need another set of hands. 892 00:30:50,016 --> 00:30:51,309 - I'm not going to prom! 893 00:30:51,351 --> 00:30:53,770 All right? I--I got dumped. 894 00:30:53,812 --> 00:30:55,188 It'll be too embarrassing. 895 00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:03,363 - Life is a series of embarrassments. 896 00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:05,448 Bosses humiliating you, 897 00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:07,659 your wife nagging you all the time, 898 00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:10,078 going off to fight in the one war 899 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:10,995 where you're the bad guy. 900 00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:12,163 I mean, fuck. 901 00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:13,665 - Is this supposed to be a pep talk? 902 00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:15,834 - All I'm saying is, you only get so many nights 903 00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,669 like this one, John. 904 00:31:17,711 --> 00:31:20,380 There are no junior proms when you're an adult. 905 00:31:20,422 --> 00:31:22,215 You miss this one, that's fucking it. 906 00:31:22,257 --> 00:31:24,134 The rest of your life is spending all day 907 00:31:24,175 --> 00:31:25,510 breaking your back, and all night 908 00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:28,805 standing at a toilet, peeing in Morse code. 909 00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,562 All right. 910 00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:41,317 There you go. 911 00:31:44,279 --> 00:31:48,241 [indistinct chatter, music thumping] 912 00:31:48,283 --> 00:31:50,076 - * Rhythm is a dancer * 913 00:31:50,118 --> 00:31:52,162 * It's a soul's companion * 914 00:31:52,203 --> 00:31:55,540 * You can feel it everywhere * 915 00:31:55,582 --> 00:31:57,709 * Lift your hands and voices * 916 00:31:57,751 --> 00:31:59,669 * Free your mind and join us * 917 00:31:59,711 --> 00:32:02,422 - See, this ain't so bad, right? 918 00:32:02,464 --> 00:32:05,884 - Thanks to this, not the worst night of my life. 919 00:32:05,925 --> 00:32:09,637 - Yeah, well, I'm having a nice time with you too. 920 00:32:09,679 --> 00:32:13,099 And the compliment-free evening continues. 921 00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:14,392 Hey, Javier! 922 00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:16,436 Ha! I know that guy. 923 00:32:16,478 --> 00:32:17,896 - No one was looking at you. 924 00:32:17,937 --> 00:32:19,814 - Yeah, it's just--there was-- there was the one guy. 925 00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:21,900 - No, I have great eyes, and no one was looking. 926 00:32:21,941 --> 00:32:24,069 - No, it's just--it's this thing we do, the two of us. 927 00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:25,737 Ah, that's so him. 928 00:32:25,779 --> 00:32:27,739 - Have you made any fucking friends this year? 929 00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:29,199 - Uh, not really, no. 930 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,077 [whooping and laughter] 931 00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:34,537 - Shit, Ted, look. 932 00:32:36,289 --> 00:32:38,291 - Hey! Hey, Johnny! 933 00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713 - Hey, John. - Hey, buddy. 934 00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:45,882 Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man. 935 00:32:45,924 --> 00:32:47,175 He was up to his old tricks. 936 00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:48,718 - Shit, again? 937 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:49,761 Man, I really gotta meet that guy. 938 00:32:49,803 --> 00:32:51,388 He sounds awesome. - I know, I-- 939 00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:53,264 fuck, he's always just leaving when you get here. 940 00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:55,266 I-I don't-- I don't know how that happens. 941 00:32:55,308 --> 00:32:58,228 - Well, listen, man, I-- 942 00:32:58,269 --> 00:33:00,230 I'm really sorry for laying into you like that. 943 00:33:00,271 --> 00:33:01,856 - No, man, I'm sorry. 944 00:33:01,898 --> 00:33:04,442 I fucked things up between you and Bethany. 945 00:33:04,484 --> 00:33:06,194 I should have just kept my big mouth shut 946 00:33:06,236 --> 00:33:07,570 and let you be yourself. 947 00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:09,614 - No, man, it's not all your fault. 948 00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:11,741 I didn't have to listen to you. 949 00:33:11,783 --> 00:33:13,493 I made my own choices. 950 00:33:18,873 --> 00:33:21,376 I think I know how to un-fuck things. 951 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,966 Bethany. Hi. 952 00:33:28,008 --> 00:33:30,218 - John. 953 00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:32,053 Hi. 954 00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:35,390 - So listen, I was wondering 955 00:33:35,432 --> 00:33:40,020 if you'd maybe give me another chance. 956 00:33:40,061 --> 00:33:43,565 - John, look. 957 00:33:43,606 --> 00:33:45,108 I think you're a nice-enough guy, 958 00:33:45,150 --> 00:33:48,361 but you're not the guy for me. 959 00:33:48,403 --> 00:33:49,654 I-I'm just not interested 960 00:33:49,696 --> 00:33:51,322 in being a notch in someone's belt. 961 00:33:51,364 --> 00:33:54,200 - Okay, well, that's what I'm here to tell you. 962 00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:56,870 I've never had sex, okay? 963 00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:59,164 I'm a virgin. I-I said that I had 964 00:33:59,205 --> 00:34:00,290 because I thought it would impress you. 965 00:34:00,331 --> 00:34:01,958 It was stupid. 966 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,169 - So you lied to me? 967 00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:06,004 - Well, yeah. 968 00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,255 I'm sorry. 969 00:34:07,297 --> 00:34:09,007 - How do I know you're not lying now? 970 00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:10,258 - I'm not. I'm not. 971 00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:11,551 I swear to God. 972 00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:16,222 And I think I can prove it. 973 00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,436 Excuse me. 974 00:34:21,478 --> 00:34:23,271 I need that mic. I got something to say. 975 00:34:23,313 --> 00:34:25,982 - Sorry, it's against the rules... 976 00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:27,901 unless it's for true love. 977 00:34:27,942 --> 00:34:28,902 - It is. 978 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,033 - Go get her. 979 00:34:35,075 --> 00:34:36,409 [music stops] 980 00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,494 - Hi. Hi, every-- [feedback whines] 981 00:34:37,535 --> 00:34:38,578 Oh, that's loud. Hi, everyone. 982 00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,705 Excuse me. Excuse me. 983 00:34:40,747 --> 00:34:42,707 Sorry for the interruption. I, uh, 984 00:34:42,749 --> 00:34:46,044 uh, just have a real quick question. 985 00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:48,755 Who here has had sex with me? 986 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,385 Nobody. 987 00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928 You want to know why? 988 00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,889 Because I'm a virgin. 989 00:34:57,931 --> 00:34:59,933 I was too embarrassed to admit it until tonight, 990 00:34:59,974 --> 00:35:02,060 but it's the truth. 991 00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:03,561 And you know what? 992 00:35:03,603 --> 00:35:06,064 I bet I'm not alone. 993 00:35:06,106 --> 00:35:09,359 I bet there are more of you out there just like me, 994 00:35:09,401 --> 00:35:11,236 so let's stop being embarrassed 995 00:35:11,277 --> 00:35:13,363 and let our voices be heard. 996 00:35:13,405 --> 00:35:15,365 Who out there is a virgin? 997 00:35:16,449 --> 00:35:19,828 [hushed chatter] 998 00:35:19,869 --> 00:35:23,248 [stifled laughter] 999 00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:25,250 - Nerd! 1000 00:35:25,291 --> 00:35:26,835 - What the fuck? - What? He was drowning. 1001 00:35:26,876 --> 00:35:28,420 No sense in me going down with him. 1002 00:35:28,461 --> 00:35:31,589 [laughter] 1003 00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:46,980 - Hey. Hey, John, wait up! 1004 00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,653 I can't believe you just did that. 1005 00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:55,363 - Oh. Yeah, it was pretty stupid. 1006 00:35:55,405 --> 00:35:57,907 - Yeah, very stupid. [chuckles] 1007 00:35:59,284 --> 00:36:01,286 But it took guts. 1008 00:36:01,327 --> 00:36:02,787 - Well, I mean, 1009 00:36:02,829 --> 00:36:05,457 it's not like my social life could get any worse. 1010 00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:08,418 - [chuckles] Well... 1011 00:36:08,460 --> 00:36:09,961 you want to know a secret? 1012 00:36:10,003 --> 00:36:11,963 - What? 1013 00:36:12,005 --> 00:36:16,259 - You're not the only person at this school who hasn't-- 1014 00:36:16,301 --> 00:36:17,719 you know. 1015 00:36:17,761 --> 00:36:19,137 - Wait. [chuckles] 1016 00:36:19,179 --> 00:36:21,348 Wait, you're a virgin too? 1017 00:36:21,389 --> 00:36:23,641 - Mm-hmm. 1018 00:36:23,683 --> 00:36:25,894 - You know, I don't think I believe you. 1019 00:36:25,935 --> 00:36:27,270 - What? - I think you gotta 1020 00:36:27,312 --> 00:36:28,521 get up and tell the whole school. 1021 00:36:28,563 --> 00:36:30,607 - Yeah, no thanks. I'm not an idiot. 1022 00:36:30,648 --> 00:36:32,067 - Oh, you sure? Why not? 1023 00:36:32,108 --> 00:36:34,235 It's a great feeling. I can't recommend it enough. 1024 00:36:34,277 --> 00:36:35,779 - [laughs] 1025 00:36:37,572 --> 00:36:39,324 Do you want to get out of here? 1026 00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:42,827 Maybe hang at my house? 1027 00:36:42,869 --> 00:36:45,580 My dad and his girlfriend are out for the night. 1028 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,333 - Sure. 1029 00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:50,001 [All-4-One's "I Swear"] 1030 00:36:50,043 --> 00:36:53,004 - * And I swear * - * I swear * 1031 00:36:53,046 --> 00:36:58,343 - * By the moon and the stars in the sky * 1032 00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:01,846 * I'll be there * - * I'll be there * 1033 00:37:01,888 --> 00:37:04,057 - * I swear * - * And I swear * 1034 00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:06,059 - I think those two might just make it. 1035 00:37:06,101 --> 00:37:07,894 - Yeah, I think so too. 1036 00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:11,106 - Well, now what? - One of the goth kids 1037 00:37:11,147 --> 00:37:12,607 in the parking lot gave me a pill. 1038 00:37:12,649 --> 00:37:14,401 I got no idea what it is. You want to split it? 1039 00:37:14,442 --> 00:37:16,653 - * For better or worse * 1040 00:37:16,695 --> 00:37:18,571 * Till death do us part * 1041 00:37:18,613 --> 00:37:22,283 - * Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah * 1042 00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,786 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1043 00:37:24,828 --> 00:37:26,162 * What a mighty good man * 1044 00:37:26,204 --> 00:37:28,206 * He's a mighty, mighty good man * 1045 00:37:28,248 --> 00:37:30,291 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1046 00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:31,918 * What a mighty good man * - * All right * 1047 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,713 - [giggles] What are you doing back there? 1048 00:37:34,754 --> 00:37:36,923 - Trying to unhook your bra. 1049 00:37:36,965 --> 00:37:39,759 - Well, if there was any doubt about your being a virgin... 1050 00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,639 - Ah! Ah, shit, all right. 1051 00:37:44,681 --> 00:37:47,308 I think I tore it, and I might have fucking cut myself. 1052 00:37:47,350 --> 00:37:49,310 - Here, why don't I get it? 1053 00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:52,147 Um, do you have a condom? 1054 00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:53,314 - Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up 1055 00:37:53,356 --> 00:37:54,858 at the pharmacy helped me pick one out. 1056 00:37:54,899 --> 00:37:55,817 - What? 1057 00:37:55,859 --> 00:37:57,569 - Nothing. Uh, yeah. 1058 00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:59,195 Yeah, I got one. 1059 00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:03,950 - Good, 'cause I think we should have sex. 1060 00:38:03,992 --> 00:38:05,160 - Really? 1061 00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,329 Holy shit, Blaire was right. 1062 00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:09,581 - Huh? - Nothing. 1063 00:38:09,622 --> 00:38:12,375 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. 1064 00:38:12,417 --> 00:38:13,752 - * 'Cause his mama taught him that * 1065 00:38:13,793 --> 00:38:15,045 - * I got a good man * 1066 00:38:15,086 --> 00:38:16,629 - * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1067 00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:18,882 * What a mighty good man * 1068 00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,216 * A mighty, mighty good man * 1069 00:38:20,258 --> 00:38:22,302 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1070 00:38:22,344 --> 00:38:24,512 * What a mighty good man * 1071 00:38:24,554 --> 00:38:26,890 - * Yes, he is * - * What a man, what a man * 1072 00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:29,392 [breaking news jingle plays] 1073 00:38:29,434 --> 00:38:30,727 - Oh, my God! - What? What? 1074 00:38:30,769 --> 00:38:32,187 What's wrong? - Look! 1075 00:38:32,228 --> 00:38:34,272 - Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco 1076 00:38:34,314 --> 00:38:37,150 presumed to be the vehicle of OJ Simpson. 1077 00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:39,652 Now, as you can see there, it's traveling very slowly-- 1078 00:38:39,694 --> 00:38:41,196 - Holy shit! 1079 00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:43,031 - Yeah. Yeah, that's really something. 1080 00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:45,450 - Fuck! Does this mean he actually did do it? 1081 00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:46,743 - Speaking of doing it-- 1082 00:38:46,785 --> 00:38:47,952 - Where do you think he's going? 1083 00:38:47,994 --> 00:38:49,788 And why are they driving so slow? 1084 00:38:49,829 --> 00:38:51,623 - I'm sure the LAPD has its best men on it. 1085 00:38:51,664 --> 00:38:52,624 - I mean, he must have done it, right? 1086 00:38:52,665 --> 00:38:53,833 Why else is he running? 1087 00:38:53,875 --> 00:38:55,543 - Times like these, all we can really do 1088 00:38:55,585 --> 00:38:56,961 is hold each other close. - Fuck! 1089 00:38:57,003 --> 00:38:59,714 I mean, he was Nordberg in "The Naked Gun," 1090 00:38:59,756 --> 00:39:01,257 and now he might be a murderer? 1091 00:39:01,299 --> 00:39:03,968 - I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would 1092 00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:06,096 really want us to make the most of this night. 1093 00:39:06,137 --> 00:39:09,307 - And now we're hearing reports that he has a gun. 1094 00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:12,310 - Oh, my God. 1095 00:39:12,352 --> 00:39:15,647 I don't think this is gonna have a happy ending. 1096 00:39:15,689 --> 00:39:17,649 - No fucking shit. 1097 00:39:17,691 --> 00:39:19,317 - To repeat, he is believed-- 1098 00:39:19,359 --> 00:39:21,986 [jazzy music] 1099 00:39:22,028 --> 00:39:25,740 - It's just like what happened with my parents and Nixon. 1100 00:39:25,782 --> 00:39:27,951 Oh. Oh, my God. 1101 00:39:27,992 --> 00:39:29,828 Oh, my God, I'm my mother. 1102 00:39:29,869 --> 00:39:31,746 - Well, your mother actually had sex, 1103 00:39:31,788 --> 00:39:34,541 so that comparison doesn't really work. 1104 00:39:34,582 --> 00:39:36,209 But at least you got a girlfriend now. 1105 00:39:36,251 --> 00:39:38,545 - Eh, sort of. 1106 00:39:38,586 --> 00:39:40,547 - Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"? 1107 00:39:40,588 --> 00:39:42,882 - Bethany's spending the summer in Italy. 1108 00:39:42,924 --> 00:39:44,134 She's leaving tomorrow. 1109 00:39:44,175 --> 00:39:45,927 - Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. 1110 00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:48,388 That vagina's gonna be right where you left it. 1111 00:39:48,430 --> 00:39:49,889 - You think so? - Oh, yeah, 1112 00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:52,350 Italian guys are famous for their sexual restraint 1113 00:39:52,392 --> 00:39:54,144 and respect for women. 1114 00:39:54,185 --> 00:39:56,312 - Oh, you were saying-- - I was saying the opposite. 1115 00:39:56,354 --> 00:39:57,814 - You were doing a bit. You were doing, like, 1116 00:39:57,856 --> 00:39:58,898 a bit, like an opposite thing. - I was saying the thing 1117 00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,066 they don't do. - You motherfucker. 1118 00:40:00,108 --> 00:40:02,027 - Yeah. 1119 00:40:02,068 --> 00:40:03,987 - Man, junior year was weird, huh? 1120 00:40:04,029 --> 00:40:05,989 - Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it. 1121 00:40:06,031 --> 00:40:07,490 - Yeah. 1122 00:40:07,532 --> 00:40:09,159 But you know what? 1123 00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,369 Would've sucked way worse without you, buddy. 1124 00:40:11,411 --> 00:40:12,704 - Thanks, man. 1125 00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:15,040 That touches me deeply... 1126 00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,916 which is what's gonna happen to Bethany in Italy. 1127 00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,209 Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, you motherfucker. 1128 00:40:18,251 --> 00:40:19,461 - That was the last one. - Like, seriously though? 1129 00:40:19,502 --> 00:40:20,462 - I know you're hurting. That was the last one. 1130 00:40:20,503 --> 00:40:22,339 Last one. 1131 00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:24,382 - I wonder what senior year's gonna be like. 1132 00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,884 - I don't know. 1133 00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,719 But you know what? I say we make it great. 1134 00:40:27,761 --> 00:40:29,554 Really turn our lives around, you know? 1135 00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:31,931 - Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all 1136 00:40:31,973 --> 00:40:33,933 the summer reading and shit, like, show up prepared. 1137 00:40:33,975 --> 00:40:36,019 - Yeah, maybe even get a jump on our college applications. 1138 00:40:36,061 --> 00:40:38,355 - Yeah. That sounds great. 1139 00:40:38,396 --> 00:40:40,106 First thing tomorrow. 1140 00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:43,610 Looks like it might rain. 1141 00:40:43,651 --> 00:40:45,236 [thunder crashes] Jesus fucking Christ! 1142 00:40:45,278 --> 00:40:47,072 - Fucking shit! Why does it have to do that? 1143 00:40:47,113 --> 00:40:49,240 - Oh, my God, it's so fucking scary. 1144 00:40:49,282 --> 00:40:51,326 - I hate the thunder! - Fuck you, thunder! 1145 00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:53,411 - Yeah, you can suck my dick! 1146 00:40:53,453 --> 00:40:54,996 - Oh, my God, Teddy. 1147 00:40:55,038 --> 00:40:56,247 You thinking what I'm thinking? 1148 00:40:56,289 --> 00:40:57,791 - Get the guitar. 1149 00:40:57,832 --> 00:41:04,964 * * 1150 00:41:32,075 --> 00:41:34,619 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 1151 00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:38,998 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 1152 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:42,252 * And yet, alas, that someone adores you * 1153 00:41:42,293 --> 00:41:43,837 * * 1154 00:41:43,878 --> 00:41:47,549 * Everybody needs a best friend * 1155 00:41:47,590 --> 00:41:50,093 * I'm happy I'm yours * 1156 00:41:50,135 --> 00:41:53,596 * I'm just a clown * 1157 00:41:53,638 --> 00:41:57,017 * And I'll bring you down * 1158 00:41:57,058 --> 00:42:03,106 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 1159 00:42:03,148 --> 00:42:05,358 * Best friend is me * 1160 00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:12,365 * *