1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:10,181 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,223 --> 00:00:12,892 * * 3 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,394 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,436 --> 00:00:16,312 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:19,441 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:23,069 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,111 --> 00:00:25,822 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,744 [jazzy music] 9 00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:34,539 * * 10 00:00:34,581 --> 00:00:35,999 - All right. 11 00:00:36,041 --> 00:00:39,002 We have come to the final unit here in health class-- 12 00:00:39,044 --> 00:00:40,754 sexual education. 13 00:00:40,795 --> 00:00:42,672 Now, this is mature subject matter, 14 00:00:42,714 --> 00:00:45,508 and I expect you all to handle it with maturity 15 00:00:45,550 --> 00:00:47,135 like the young adults you are becoming. 16 00:00:47,177 --> 00:00:48,887 - I'm scared, Teddy. 17 00:00:48,928 --> 00:00:51,556 What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner? 18 00:00:51,598 --> 00:00:53,725 - Hey, you're getting a boner before this class ends, buddy. 19 00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:55,560 The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. 20 00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:59,189 - Sexual intercourse is a physical expression 21 00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:02,692 of love and affection that is perfectly natural 22 00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:03,985 and often deadly. 23 00:01:04,027 --> 00:01:06,613 Sexually transmitted diseases include 24 00:01:06,654 --> 00:01:09,491 gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia, 25 00:01:09,532 --> 00:01:12,118 HPV, hepatitis A through C-- 26 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,413 - * JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? * 27 00:01:15,455 --> 00:01:16,748 [laughter] * We didn't start the fire * 28 00:01:16,790 --> 00:01:17,999 - Ted, knock it off! 29 00:01:18,041 --> 00:01:20,085 See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. 30 00:01:20,126 --> 00:01:22,796 To avoid sexually transmitted disease, 31 00:01:22,837 --> 00:01:25,423 it is important to practice safe sex. 32 00:01:25,465 --> 00:01:29,761 Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is? 33 00:01:31,179 --> 00:01:33,264 No one? 34 00:01:33,306 --> 00:01:34,432 Masturbation. 35 00:01:34,474 --> 00:01:36,142 - Hey, if you're gonna assign homework, 36 00:01:36,184 --> 00:01:37,435 Johnny already did it this morning. 37 00:01:37,477 --> 00:01:38,603 - Hey, shut the fuck up, dude! 38 00:01:38,645 --> 00:01:40,397 - He's doing extra credit. - Be quiet! 39 00:01:40,438 --> 00:01:41,898 - Stop it! - Oh! 40 00:01:41,940 --> 00:01:43,733 - You keep that up, you're headed for detention, mister. 41 00:01:43,775 --> 00:01:47,320 Now, why is it important to practice safe sex? 42 00:01:47,362 --> 00:01:51,116 Well, it all begins with biology. 43 00:01:51,157 --> 00:01:52,867 - Aw, here we go. - Let's start 44 00:01:52,909 --> 00:01:56,955 with the female reproductive system. 45 00:01:56,996 --> 00:01:58,248 - Oh, no. 46 00:01:58,289 --> 00:02:00,291 - Holy shit. That's fast, even for you. 47 00:02:00,333 --> 00:02:02,711 [bell rings] 48 00:02:02,752 --> 00:02:04,421 - Well, I'm glad that's over, huh? 49 00:02:04,462 --> 00:02:06,965 - I know, that was like sex ed for babies. 50 00:02:07,007 --> 00:02:08,049 - What? 51 00:02:08,091 --> 00:02:09,342 - I mean, you're really gonna talk 52 00:02:09,384 --> 00:02:11,553 about masturbation and leave out edging? 53 00:02:11,594 --> 00:02:13,471 - Seriously. He didn't even talk about 54 00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:16,474 how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity. 55 00:02:16,516 --> 00:02:18,059 - Did you see how when I brought up rimming, 56 00:02:18,101 --> 00:02:19,728 he flipped to the glossary? 57 00:02:19,769 --> 00:02:21,396 [both chuckling] - Wait, you t-- 58 00:02:21,438 --> 00:02:23,148 you two have had sex? 59 00:02:23,189 --> 00:02:24,315 - [sarcastically] No. 60 00:02:24,357 --> 00:02:25,984 I'm felching my own jizz. 61 00:02:26,026 --> 00:02:27,694 Pfft! Duh, we're 16. 62 00:02:27,736 --> 00:02:28,737 - When? With who? 63 00:02:28,778 --> 00:02:30,530 - A few weeks ago, with each other. 64 00:02:30,572 --> 00:02:32,198 - We didn't want to be the last ones in school 65 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,283 to lose our virginity. 66 00:02:33,324 --> 00:02:34,325 - Oh, yeah. [laughs] 67 00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:35,827 No. Right, of course. 68 00:02:35,869 --> 00:02:37,495 How--how lame would that be, right? 69 00:02:37,537 --> 00:02:39,664 - Wow, I didn't even know you two guys were dating. 70 00:02:39,706 --> 00:02:41,124 Andrew, I thought you were gay. 71 00:02:41,166 --> 00:02:42,584 - I don't know. Might be. 72 00:02:42,625 --> 00:02:44,502 I just know I'm not a fucking loser. 73 00:02:44,544 --> 00:02:46,713 - You're so confident. I love it. 74 00:02:46,755 --> 00:02:48,298 - Let's go to the computer room. 75 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:50,925 We can do it on the Oregon Trail. 76 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:53,678 - Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means? 77 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,555 I'm the last virgin in school. 78 00:02:55,597 --> 00:02:56,765 - What about Ben Carness? 79 00:02:56,806 --> 00:02:58,141 - No, he slept with his math teacher. 80 00:02:58,183 --> 00:02:59,517 That's why she got fired. 81 00:02:59,559 --> 00:03:01,394 - I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust. 82 00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:03,063 - Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade. 83 00:03:03,104 --> 00:03:04,105 - Oh. Oh, wow-- 84 00:03:04,147 --> 00:03:05,398 oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess. 85 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,359 - Anyway, dude, this is serious. 86 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,943 I need to hurry up and have sex with somebody 87 00:03:08,985 --> 00:03:10,820 before people find out and I'm humiliated. 88 00:03:10,862 --> 00:03:12,781 - You're right. We gotta find a buyer. 89 00:03:12,822 --> 00:03:14,032 Fresh penis! 90 00:03:14,074 --> 00:03:15,158 Get your fresh penis here! 91 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,534 - Ted, Jesus Christ! 92 00:03:16,576 --> 00:03:18,536 - This penis used to belong to a little old lady 93 00:03:18,578 --> 00:03:20,080 who only fucked it on Sundays! 94 00:03:20,121 --> 00:03:21,498 Still has that new penis smell! 95 00:03:21,539 --> 00:03:22,624 - Will you shut up? 96 00:03:22,665 --> 00:03:24,167 - All right, I'm just trying to help. 97 00:03:24,209 --> 00:03:30,382 * * 98 00:03:30,423 --> 00:03:32,008 - Okay, what about Talia? 99 00:03:32,050 --> 00:03:34,386 - Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you. 100 00:03:34,427 --> 00:03:35,553 - Hey, you don't know that. 101 00:03:35,595 --> 00:03:37,263 - You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny? 102 00:03:37,305 --> 00:03:38,515 They're brooding degenerates. 103 00:03:38,556 --> 00:03:40,058 They paint their nails. 104 00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,102 Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails? 105 00:03:42,143 --> 00:03:43,395 - I could paint my nails. 106 00:03:43,436 --> 00:03:44,896 - Oh, ok--oh, you want to be nail-painting guy? 107 00:03:44,938 --> 00:03:47,107 Okay, get ready to never be funny. 108 00:03:47,148 --> 00:03:48,316 No more jokes. 109 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:49,693 You never get to make a joke again. 110 00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:50,610 - Why not? 111 00:03:50,652 --> 00:03:52,362 - Nail-paint guy is very serious. 112 00:03:52,404 --> 00:03:53,738 If you're on a cruise and you spot 113 00:03:53,780 --> 00:03:55,573 the captain bringing a lady passenger 114 00:03:55,615 --> 00:03:57,200 back to his cabin, what do you say? 115 00:03:57,242 --> 00:03:58,535 - Well, you say, "Thar she blows." 116 00:03:58,576 --> 00:04:00,245 - No, you don't. You say, "Good for them." 117 00:04:00,286 --> 00:04:03,081 You say, "Everyone deserves love in this fucked-up world," 118 00:04:03,123 --> 00:04:04,332 'cause you got painted nails. 119 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,959 - Wait, can I--can I say, "Shiver me timbers"? 120 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,335 - No, you cannot. No jokes. 121 00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:08,461 Only finger colors. 122 00:04:08,503 --> 00:04:10,255 [door opens] 123 00:04:10,296 --> 00:04:11,589 Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think 124 00:04:11,631 --> 00:04:13,258 one of your college friends would be willing 125 00:04:13,299 --> 00:04:14,843 to have sex with John? 126 00:04:14,884 --> 00:04:16,219 - [sarcastically] Yeah, every lit major wants 127 00:04:16,261 --> 00:04:18,304 to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets. 128 00:04:18,346 --> 00:04:20,724 - Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus. 129 00:04:20,765 --> 00:04:21,891 You got any friends like that? 130 00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:23,768 - Okay, why are you asking me this? 131 00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:25,854 - 'Cause I'm the last virgin in my class. 132 00:04:25,895 --> 00:04:27,105 - Come on, your friends are always 133 00:04:27,147 --> 00:04:28,231 trying to do good in the world. 134 00:04:28,273 --> 00:04:29,566 How about one of 'em takes a break 135 00:04:29,607 --> 00:04:31,443 from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate? 136 00:04:31,484 --> 00:04:33,445 - Yeah, no. I'm not helping you. 137 00:04:33,486 --> 00:04:35,447 - God, I'm pathetic. 138 00:04:35,488 --> 00:04:37,490 - Ah, come on. There's a lot of cool virgins. 139 00:04:37,532 --> 00:04:39,784 The Flying Nun, 140 00:04:39,826 --> 00:04:42,412 Richie Rich, 141 00:04:42,454 --> 00:04:44,080 the Lincoln Memorial... 142 00:04:46,499 --> 00:04:47,542 That yearbook. 143 00:04:47,584 --> 00:04:49,335 - I've never had sex, 144 00:04:49,377 --> 00:04:50,754 never had a girlfriend. 145 00:04:50,795 --> 00:04:52,672 Fuck, I've never even kissed anybody. 146 00:04:52,714 --> 00:04:54,341 - You kissed Michael Dukakis 147 00:04:54,382 --> 00:04:55,633 at that parade when you were nine. 148 00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:57,260 - Yeah, that doesn't count. He kissed me. 149 00:04:57,302 --> 00:05:00,055 - It was passionate enough that they ran it in the paper. 150 00:05:00,096 --> 00:05:01,431 Look, don't worry, Johnny. 151 00:05:01,473 --> 00:05:03,058 There's a lot of alleys in Boston. 152 00:05:03,099 --> 00:05:04,768 One of them's gotta have a glory hole. 153 00:05:04,809 --> 00:05:07,520 And if it doesn't, we're going to Worcester. 154 00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:12,525 - Look at all these welfare queens. 155 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:14,569 See, tha-that's the problem with this country. 156 00:05:14,611 --> 00:05:16,321 Everybody expects everything handed to them 157 00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:18,323 on a silver platter. 158 00:05:18,365 --> 00:05:19,532 - Hey, guys. 159 00:05:19,574 --> 00:05:22,035 Um, can I talk to you about something? 160 00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:23,328 - You want a tuna sandwich? 161 00:05:23,370 --> 00:05:24,829 - No, I'm--I'm okay. 162 00:05:24,871 --> 00:05:26,456 Um... 163 00:05:26,498 --> 00:05:27,916 it's about John. 164 00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:33,004 Uh, I think he might be on the verge of-- 165 00:05:34,547 --> 00:05:36,257 Well, I--I think he's interested 166 00:05:36,299 --> 00:05:38,635 in becoming sexually active. 167 00:05:38,677 --> 00:05:41,346 - What do you mean? 168 00:05:41,388 --> 00:05:45,183 - Well, I don't really know how I can be clearer than that. 169 00:05:45,225 --> 00:05:48,853 Um, have you guys ever talked to John a-about sex? 170 00:05:48,895 --> 00:05:51,147 - Course not. He's only 16. 171 00:05:51,189 --> 00:05:53,316 - Talking about sex is rude. 172 00:05:53,358 --> 00:05:55,694 - So you're gonna rely on a gym teacher 173 00:05:55,735 --> 00:05:57,570 and a horny teddy bear? 174 00:05:57,612 --> 00:05:58,613 I mean, how do you expect him to learn 175 00:05:58,655 --> 00:06:00,156 what he needs to know? 176 00:06:00,198 --> 00:06:02,534 - When you get drafted, they show you a film. 177 00:06:02,575 --> 00:06:06,454 - Look, I get it can be an awkward conversation, 178 00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:07,622 but it's really important. 179 00:06:07,664 --> 00:06:08,707 - Tony Randall was in it. 180 00:06:08,748 --> 00:06:10,792 - You're absolutely right, Blaire. 181 00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:12,711 You know what I'm gonna do? 182 00:06:12,752 --> 00:06:15,588 I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth from "The Globe," 183 00:06:15,630 --> 00:06:17,674 and I'll slide it under his door. 184 00:06:17,716 --> 00:06:19,426 - Guys, there's nothing shameful 185 00:06:19,467 --> 00:06:20,844 about human sexuality. 186 00:06:20,885 --> 00:06:22,053 - You've never been in a strip club 187 00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:24,180 when the lights come on. 188 00:06:25,598 --> 00:06:26,725 And neither have I. 189 00:06:26,766 --> 00:06:28,518 - Matty, this isn't a joke, okay? 190 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:29,894 He needs to know this stuff. 191 00:06:29,936 --> 00:06:32,647 - Look, I-I'll talk to him when the time is right. 192 00:06:32,689 --> 00:06:33,815 - And I'm telling you, 193 00:06:33,857 --> 00:06:36,151 as somebody who knows him really well, 194 00:06:36,192 --> 00:06:37,652 it's the right time. 195 00:06:37,694 --> 00:06:39,154 Okay, I think you're trying to avoid 196 00:06:39,195 --> 00:06:40,405 an uncomfortable conversation, 197 00:06:40,447 --> 00:06:42,240 and honestly, that's selfish of you. 198 00:06:42,282 --> 00:06:44,325 - All I'm trying to do is eat my lunch here. 199 00:06:44,367 --> 00:06:45,785 Jesus. 200 00:06:45,827 --> 00:06:47,370 Your period coming in or something? 201 00:06:47,412 --> 00:06:50,206 - I--what? 202 00:06:50,248 --> 00:06:52,042 - Forget it. - Coming in? 203 00:06:52,083 --> 00:06:53,752 Like it's my fucking adult teeth? 204 00:06:53,793 --> 00:06:55,545 - Forget I brought it up. - Fuck, it sounds like 205 00:06:55,587 --> 00:06:57,255 you need the talk, not him. 206 00:06:57,297 --> 00:06:59,632 Do you have any idea how a period actually works? 207 00:06:59,674 --> 00:07:01,051 - I know enough. 208 00:07:01,092 --> 00:07:02,427 - No one's ever explained it to you, have they? 209 00:07:02,469 --> 00:07:03,845 - I tried once, 210 00:07:03,887 --> 00:07:06,306 but Matty said it was too close to the holidays. 211 00:07:06,348 --> 00:07:08,016 - Oh, my God. Aunt Suze, 212 00:07:08,058 --> 00:07:09,893 think about your son, all right? 213 00:07:09,934 --> 00:07:11,269 Don't you want John to grow up 214 00:07:11,311 --> 00:07:13,271 to be a sexually healthy adult? 215 00:07:13,313 --> 00:07:15,482 - Blaire, language. 216 00:07:15,523 --> 00:07:17,359 - My parents never talked to me about sex. 217 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,153 I figured it all out on my own, and I'm doing just fine. 218 00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:24,532 - We'll talk to John. 219 00:07:24,574 --> 00:07:30,080 * * 220 00:07:30,121 --> 00:07:32,082 [knock on door] 221 00:07:32,123 --> 00:07:33,166 - Come in. 222 00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:35,293 - John? 223 00:07:35,335 --> 00:07:36,628 - Yeah? 224 00:07:36,669 --> 00:07:37,837 - Are you alone? 225 00:07:37,879 --> 00:07:39,255 - Yeah. Yeah, Teddy went 226 00:07:39,297 --> 00:07:40,548 to the store to get Doritos. 227 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,926 - Oh, we have Doritos here at the house, honey. 228 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:45,136 - We do? - Oh, yeah, always. 229 00:07:45,178 --> 00:07:46,888 - Oh, that's right. We're trash. 230 00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:48,640 - John, your father and I, 231 00:07:48,682 --> 00:07:52,602 we want to talk to you about something. 232 00:07:52,644 --> 00:07:55,188 It's a private thing. 233 00:07:55,230 --> 00:07:56,189 - What is it? 234 00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,195 - John, 235 00:08:02,237 --> 00:08:08,535 sometimes when two grown-ups are married, 236 00:08:08,576 --> 00:08:11,162 and they're in a bed, 237 00:08:11,204 --> 00:08:13,540 and it's nighttime, 238 00:08:13,581 --> 00:08:17,711 they get this funny feeling in their bathing suit areas. 239 00:08:17,752 --> 00:08:19,504 - Jesus Christ, Susan! 240 00:08:19,546 --> 00:08:20,588 It's like this, John. 241 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,132 Men and women have different parts, 242 00:08:22,173 --> 00:08:24,592 and those parts fit together like a piston and a cylinder. 243 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,219 Just give the motor a minute to warm up. 244 00:08:26,261 --> 00:08:28,013 If you gun it, you're gonna blow a gasket, 245 00:08:28,054 --> 00:08:30,223 seize up, and you're looking at minimum a grand 246 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:31,266 for a new engine block. 247 00:08:31,307 --> 00:08:33,184 That's sex. 248 00:08:33,226 --> 00:08:34,602 Fuck me. 249 00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:40,692 - John. 250 00:08:45,447 --> 00:08:50,702 Someday, when you're older, 251 00:08:50,744 --> 00:08:54,039 you're gonna have your first time, 252 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,708 and it should be special, honey. 253 00:08:56,750 --> 00:08:57,917 - Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom. 254 00:08:57,959 --> 00:09:00,462 - I want it to be better than my first time. 255 00:09:00,503 --> 00:09:01,421 - God, no, please don't-- 256 00:09:01,463 --> 00:09:04,049 - It was 1974. 257 00:09:04,090 --> 00:09:07,135 And your father and I were staying at a Howard Johnson's 258 00:09:07,177 --> 00:09:11,514 off the turnpike, and things were moving quickly, 259 00:09:11,556 --> 00:09:15,393 when suddenly there was a news bulletin on the TV. 260 00:09:15,435 --> 00:09:18,188 Nixon had resigned. 261 00:09:18,229 --> 00:09:21,816 Oh, your father, he was so distracted 262 00:09:21,858 --> 00:09:23,777 and just so agitated and-- 263 00:09:23,818 --> 00:09:25,487 - Mom, really, you don't have to do this. 264 00:09:25,528 --> 00:09:28,156 - I tried to get him back into bed, but he wouldn't. 265 00:09:28,198 --> 00:09:30,408 He was too upset. He just kept yelling, 266 00:09:30,450 --> 00:09:33,411 "The hippies have won! The hippies have won! 267 00:09:33,453 --> 00:09:36,081 They've won! They've won!" 268 00:09:36,122 --> 00:09:37,749 [sighs] 269 00:09:37,791 --> 00:09:40,126 I hope this helped. 270 00:09:45,298 --> 00:09:47,217 * * 271 00:09:47,258 --> 00:09:50,762 [lighter flicking] 272 00:09:50,804 --> 00:09:52,972 - Ugh. [exhales] 273 00:09:53,014 --> 00:09:54,933 This fucking resin's giving me a headache. 274 00:09:54,974 --> 00:09:56,643 Can't you call your guy? 275 00:09:56,685 --> 00:09:58,395 - Ah, my guy won't sell to me on Shabbat. 276 00:09:58,436 --> 00:09:59,396 - Ah, shit. 277 00:10:01,147 --> 00:10:03,483 Teddy, what if I'm a virgin forever? 278 00:10:03,525 --> 00:10:04,526 I mean, what do I do? 279 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:06,069 - [coughing] Look, 280 00:10:06,111 --> 00:10:07,821 I know the glory hole thing didn't work out, 281 00:10:07,862 --> 00:10:09,739 but at least we got to see the city. 282 00:10:09,781 --> 00:10:11,199 We met that friendly homeless guy 283 00:10:11,241 --> 00:10:13,159 who taught us a lesson and then died. 284 00:10:13,201 --> 00:10:15,578 - Yeah, but I mean, like, what if this is my future? 285 00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:17,038 - Well, if it is, you just gotta learn 286 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,957 to live with the embarrassment. 287 00:10:18,998 --> 00:10:20,959 - Yeah, I mean, it could be worse. 288 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,002 I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat on his own balls 289 00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:24,462 and had to go to the hospital. 290 00:10:24,504 --> 00:10:26,172 - What? - Yeah. 291 00:10:26,214 --> 00:10:27,966 Yeah. I mean, that's humiliation. 292 00:10:28,008 --> 00:10:30,760 - Like--like, Mr. Belvedere from the TV show? 293 00:10:30,802 --> 00:10:31,886 - Yeah. Yeah, man. 294 00:10:31,928 --> 00:10:33,013 He was riding in a convertible 295 00:10:33,054 --> 00:10:34,222 during the Hollywood Christmas parade, 296 00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,433 fell backwards, crushed his own balls. 297 00:10:36,474 --> 00:10:38,018 - Jesus. 298 00:10:39,519 --> 00:10:41,938 Would you rather have that happen to you at a parade 299 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:45,191 or what happened to JFK happen to you at a parade? 300 00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:46,651 - Oh, God, I honestly don't know. 301 00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:47,986 - Yeah, that's a tough one, right? 302 00:10:48,028 --> 00:10:49,237 - That's a really tough one. That's, like, one of 303 00:10:49,279 --> 00:10:50,321 the hardest would-you-rathers I've ever heard. 304 00:10:50,363 --> 00:10:51,489 - I know. That's, like, a brainteaser. 305 00:10:51,531 --> 00:10:52,657 - God, I'm too high to think about that. 306 00:10:52,699 --> 00:10:54,159 - Yeah, it's a tough one. 307 00:10:57,620 --> 00:10:59,414 - Okay, all right, fuck this. 308 00:10:59,456 --> 00:11:00,999 We gotta get some real weed. 309 00:11:01,041 --> 00:11:03,001 - Hey, what about Sheila Borgwardt? 310 00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,252 - What, like, smoking-hot Sheila? 311 00:11:04,294 --> 00:11:06,296 - Yeah, remember, she hooked us up before. 312 00:11:06,337 --> 00:11:08,715 She sent us to that dealer who turned out to be Blaire. 313 00:11:08,757 --> 00:11:10,050 - Oh, yeah, that wasn't good. 314 00:11:10,091 --> 00:11:12,427 - Well, it's just like Homeless Joe said. 315 00:11:12,469 --> 00:11:13,511 Be careful what you wish... 316 00:11:13,553 --> 00:11:14,846 [together] Agh, my heart. 317 00:11:14,888 --> 00:11:16,890 - Yeah. - Yeah, he died. 318 00:11:16,931 --> 00:11:24,064 * * 319 00:11:30,445 --> 00:11:31,654 Oh. Hey. 320 00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:32,697 - Hey. 321 00:11:32,739 --> 00:11:33,865 Ted, right? 322 00:11:33,907 --> 00:11:34,908 - Yeah, that's right. 323 00:11:34,949 --> 00:11:36,868 Uh, hey, is your sister here? 324 00:11:36,910 --> 00:11:38,828 - Uh, yeah. 325 00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:41,331 Sheila, you got company! 326 00:11:41,373 --> 00:11:42,499 See you later. 327 00:11:47,253 --> 00:11:48,546 John? 328 00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:50,006 - Oh. Hi, Bethany. 329 00:11:50,048 --> 00:11:51,758 - Hi. How's it going? 330 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:52,967 - Uh, it's going good. 331 00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:54,678 My, uh-- my teddy bear's upstairs 332 00:11:54,719 --> 00:11:55,679 buying drugs from your sister. 333 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,222 - Ah, nice. 334 00:12:00,266 --> 00:12:02,686 Wh--sex ed class was weird the other day. 335 00:12:02,727 --> 00:12:04,062 - Oh, yeah, it was super weird. 336 00:12:04,104 --> 00:12:05,647 - Yeah, I still can't get the image 337 00:12:05,689 --> 00:12:08,858 of Mr. Maynard putting a condom on a banana out of my head. 338 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,360 - Oh, yeah, I know, right? Like-- 339 00:12:10,402 --> 00:12:12,362 like, can you imagine, like, being a banana, 340 00:12:12,404 --> 00:12:15,031 and--and, like, you get picked, and then you get put on a boat, 341 00:12:15,073 --> 00:12:16,282 and then you get put into the market, 342 00:12:16,324 --> 00:12:18,368 and--and you're thinking the whole time, like, 343 00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:21,413 oh, I hope I get to be made into, like, a cream pie 344 00:12:21,454 --> 00:12:24,999 or, like, used as a phone for humor. 345 00:12:25,041 --> 00:12:26,418 And then you're just sitting in our class, 346 00:12:26,459 --> 00:12:28,294 pretending to be a dick. 347 00:12:29,796 --> 00:12:30,797 - Well, I-I gotta go. 348 00:12:30,839 --> 00:12:31,923 - Oh, okay, yeah, for sure. 349 00:12:31,965 --> 00:12:33,008 - Yeah. - Yeah. Good to see you. 350 00:12:33,049 --> 00:12:35,093 See you later. 351 00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:36,511 - You promise this is just for you, right? 352 00:12:36,553 --> 00:12:38,596 'Cause I don't want to get busted for enabling. 353 00:12:38,638 --> 00:12:41,391 - Nope, just me and the rest of the guys in the doo-wop group. 354 00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,935 Those guys need a buzz to feel the music, you know. 355 00:12:43,977 --> 00:12:45,270 Me, I'm good when I'm straight. 356 00:12:45,311 --> 00:12:46,813 That's why I'm always the one talking 357 00:12:46,855 --> 00:12:48,106 to management about payment. 358 00:12:48,148 --> 00:12:49,399 You know, anything logistic like that, 359 00:12:49,441 --> 00:12:50,692 it always falls on my-- - Yeah, yeah. 360 00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:51,818 You looking for something mellow 361 00:12:51,860 --> 00:12:52,944 or something more potent? 362 00:12:52,986 --> 00:12:53,987 - Well, my last guy gave me 363 00:12:54,029 --> 00:12:55,071 something that was pretty good. 364 00:12:55,113 --> 00:12:56,531 It was called Confident Gorilla. 365 00:12:56,573 --> 00:12:58,283 You got any of that? - I don't think so, 366 00:12:58,324 --> 00:13:01,745 but I just got this new batch called Heartbeat Fingers. 367 00:13:01,786 --> 00:13:04,414 - Ah, yeah, no, that--no, tha-that doesn't sound so good. 368 00:13:04,456 --> 00:13:05,415 Uh, uh, what else? 369 00:13:05,457 --> 00:13:06,541 - Uh, let me look. 370 00:13:07,792 --> 00:13:09,627 - So, Sheila, 371 00:13:09,669 --> 00:13:12,047 no offense, but you ever think about doing something 372 00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:14,549 about that god-awful name? 373 00:13:18,386 --> 00:13:19,512 Got it. 374 00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:20,597 - Oh, hell yeah. 375 00:13:20,638 --> 00:13:21,973 - Yeah, by the way, just FYI, 376 00:13:22,015 --> 00:13:23,975 Sheila is her dead mother's name, 377 00:13:24,017 --> 00:13:25,977 so we're not allowed to shop here anymore. 378 00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:27,896 - Oh, man, Kafka Trip? 379 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,147 Isn't this the stuff that made me think 380 00:13:29,189 --> 00:13:30,899 the Land O'Lakes lady was mad at me? 381 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,484 - Well, she only had a few other batches. 382 00:13:32,525 --> 00:13:36,237 Uh, Heartbeat Fingers, Bathroom Mirror Reckoning, 383 00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:39,157 What Was That, and Why Won't The Pee Start. 384 00:13:39,199 --> 00:13:40,658 - Yikes. - All right, go on. 385 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:41,785 Put it in your bag. 386 00:13:41,826 --> 00:13:43,161 - Hey! 387 00:13:43,203 --> 00:13:45,205 Hey, we need that pot, you motherfucker! 388 00:13:46,456 --> 00:13:49,042 [both grunting] 389 00:13:49,084 --> 00:13:50,960 Get off me! 390 00:13:55,507 --> 00:13:56,883 - Jesus, nice save! 391 00:13:56,925 --> 00:13:58,426 - Man, fuck that guy. 392 00:13:58,468 --> 00:14:00,220 We should call the fucking cops. 393 00:14:00,261 --> 00:14:03,306 - Yeah, maybe--maybe under the circumstances, no. 394 00:14:03,348 --> 00:14:05,183 - Oh, my God! Are you okay? 395 00:14:05,225 --> 00:14:07,644 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 396 00:14:07,686 --> 00:14:09,270 Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. 397 00:14:09,312 --> 00:14:12,023 - I can't believe you did that. That was so cool! 398 00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:13,817 - No, I was just reacting in the moment. 399 00:14:13,858 --> 00:14:14,901 It's not that big a deal. 400 00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:17,028 - No, that took guts. 401 00:14:17,070 --> 00:14:19,698 You're, like, kind of awesome. 402 00:14:19,739 --> 00:14:21,658 - Well, you know, when you're addicted to a substance, 403 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:23,618 you can do anything you put your mind to. 404 00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:27,539 - I have swim practice tomorrow afternoon, 405 00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:33,169 but after that, would you maybe want to hang out? 406 00:14:33,211 --> 00:14:36,881 Maybe see a movie or get food or whatever? 407 00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:39,801 - Yeah. Yeah, sure. 408 00:14:39,843 --> 00:14:40,969 - Want to pick me up at 7:00? 409 00:14:41,011 --> 00:14:42,595 - Definitely. 410 00:14:42,637 --> 00:14:44,806 - Cool. 411 00:14:44,848 --> 00:14:46,057 - See ya. 412 00:14:48,768 --> 00:14:50,562 Holy shit, I got a date. 413 00:14:50,603 --> 00:14:51,563 - A date? 414 00:14:51,604 --> 00:14:53,064 Johnny, look at the big picture. 415 00:14:53,106 --> 00:14:54,899 This is your chance to have sex. 416 00:14:54,941 --> 00:14:55,942 - What, you think so? 417 00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:57,235 - She called you "cool." 418 00:14:57,277 --> 00:14:58,862 Chicks have sex with cool guys. 419 00:14:58,903 --> 00:15:00,238 - Yeah. Yeah, maybe. 420 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,906 - Fuck "maybe." Trust me on this. 421 00:15:01,948 --> 00:15:04,701 We are gonna make sure you don't blow this opportunity. 422 00:15:04,743 --> 00:15:06,202 And I will guide you. 423 00:15:06,244 --> 00:15:08,872 I will be... [grunting] 424 00:15:08,913 --> 00:15:10,749 Your Master Yoda. 425 00:15:10,790 --> 00:15:12,000 - I mean, I guess I could try. 426 00:15:12,042 --> 00:15:14,252 - Screw or screw not. There is no try. 427 00:15:14,294 --> 00:15:15,920 Now, let's get you some exercise. 428 00:15:15,962 --> 00:15:17,714 Run, Johnny, run! Run! 429 00:15:17,756 --> 00:15:20,675 "Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force, 430 00:15:20,717 --> 00:15:22,093 but beware the dark side." 431 00:15:22,135 --> 00:15:24,387 I mean, unless she says it's okay. 432 00:15:28,683 --> 00:15:32,145 [jazzy music] 433 00:15:32,187 --> 00:15:33,897 * * 434 00:15:33,938 --> 00:15:35,148 - Are we sure about this? 435 00:15:35,190 --> 00:15:36,358 - Look, you gotta have condoms 436 00:15:36,399 --> 00:15:37,817 locked and loaded on your date. 437 00:15:37,859 --> 00:15:39,361 When you get--well, you know, 438 00:15:39,402 --> 00:15:41,821 maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready. 439 00:15:41,863 --> 00:15:43,990 - There's a lot of options. I don't know what to pick. 440 00:15:44,032 --> 00:15:46,701 - Well, which one speaks to you? 441 00:15:46,743 --> 00:15:48,203 - Maybe these? 442 00:15:48,244 --> 00:15:49,662 "Ribbed for her pleasure"? 443 00:15:49,704 --> 00:15:51,790 - Good choice. And you want to know a trick? 444 00:15:51,831 --> 00:15:54,793 You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure. 445 00:15:54,834 --> 00:15:56,044 - You can do that? 446 00:15:56,086 --> 00:15:57,128 - Oh, yeah, she'll be like, 447 00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:58,421 where's the pleasure? 448 00:15:58,463 --> 00:16:00,548 And you'll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don't know. 449 00:16:00,590 --> 00:16:02,550 Uh, I didn't know there was any pleasure. 450 00:16:02,592 --> 00:16:04,886 - Can I help you young men pick out a condom? 451 00:16:04,928 --> 00:16:06,471 - Uh, no. 452 00:16:06,513 --> 00:16:08,390 Act-actually, we were-- we were just leaving. 453 00:16:08,431 --> 00:16:09,766 - Oh, please don't go. 454 00:16:09,808 --> 00:16:11,559 One of the joys of my job is pairing 455 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,311 the right young man with the right condom. 456 00:16:13,353 --> 00:16:15,397 - Oh, that's...normal. 457 00:16:15,438 --> 00:16:17,565 - Well, I don't really know what I want. 458 00:16:17,607 --> 00:16:19,192 - Well, tell me about the girl. 459 00:16:19,234 --> 00:16:21,903 - Um, she's got medium brown hair, 460 00:16:21,945 --> 00:16:23,113 average height. 461 00:16:23,154 --> 00:16:24,781 I-I think she might be on the swim team. 462 00:16:24,823 --> 00:16:26,700 - I see. Jewish? 463 00:16:26,741 --> 00:16:28,118 - I don't think so. 464 00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:30,120 - Well, that rules these out. 465 00:16:30,161 --> 00:16:31,538 What about community activism? 466 00:16:31,579 --> 00:16:32,872 Does she do any charity work? 467 00:16:32,914 --> 00:16:35,125 - I--I honestly don't know. 468 00:16:36,918 --> 00:16:38,294 - Why don't you try a Ramses? 469 00:16:38,336 --> 00:16:41,339 Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather, 470 00:16:41,381 --> 00:16:43,633 can withstand over 300 pounds of torque. 471 00:16:43,675 --> 00:16:46,052 - Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do? 472 00:16:46,094 --> 00:16:47,846 - Uh, thank you. 473 00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:49,180 - I just want to say, I've been watching 474 00:16:49,222 --> 00:16:50,432 you shop here for years. 475 00:16:50,473 --> 00:16:52,434 I've been waiting for this day. 476 00:16:52,475 --> 00:16:55,895 Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but... 477 00:16:55,937 --> 00:16:57,439 [whispers] Congratulations. 478 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,190 - I need an adult! I need an adult! 479 00:16:59,232 --> 00:17:00,483 - It's okay. It's all right, Johnny. 480 00:17:00,525 --> 00:17:01,693 It's all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy. 481 00:17:01,735 --> 00:17:02,694 Keep the extra. 482 00:17:02,736 --> 00:17:03,987 - Hey! You! 483 00:17:04,029 --> 00:17:05,321 Get away from that kid! 484 00:17:06,823 --> 00:17:08,575 Now, how can I help you? 485 00:17:10,285 --> 00:17:14,122 * * 486 00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:15,957 - Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this. 487 00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:17,208 - This feels weird. 488 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:19,002 - Look, you have trouble taking off her bra, 489 00:17:19,044 --> 00:17:20,128 she's gonna know you're a virgin. 490 00:17:20,170 --> 00:17:21,254 - Shit, really? 491 00:17:21,296 --> 00:17:22,213 - Trust me, all right? 492 00:17:22,255 --> 00:17:23,715 Now take it off. 493 00:17:23,757 --> 00:17:25,800 - Okay. 494 00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:27,052 What are you doing? 495 00:17:27,093 --> 00:17:28,136 - Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you. 496 00:17:28,178 --> 00:17:29,137 You gotta work for it. 497 00:17:29,179 --> 00:17:30,513 - Jesus. 498 00:17:32,307 --> 00:17:34,309 Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp. 499 00:17:34,351 --> 00:17:35,685 - Oh, no, you gotta earn it. 500 00:17:35,727 --> 00:17:38,021 All right, now let's pretend you're a randy executive 501 00:17:38,063 --> 00:17:39,689 and I'm your secretary. Go. 502 00:17:39,731 --> 00:17:42,150 [high-pitched] Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself! 503 00:17:42,192 --> 00:17:44,819 For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you're a married man! 504 00:17:44,861 --> 00:17:46,112 - Teddy, come on! 505 00:17:46,154 --> 00:17:47,489 - Who's Teddy? I'm Debra. 506 00:17:47,530 --> 00:17:49,366 I just moved to the big city 507 00:17:49,407 --> 00:17:50,950 with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams 508 00:17:50,992 --> 00:17:53,078 and an associate's degree from Katharine Gibbs. 509 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:54,913 - Uh, hi. 510 00:17:54,954 --> 00:17:56,623 What the hell are you doing in my bra? 511 00:17:56,664 --> 00:17:59,125 - The question is, what am I stilldoing in your bra. 512 00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,835 Johnny? 513 00:18:00,877 --> 00:18:02,629 - I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt, 514 00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:04,172 and I'm-- 515 00:18:04,214 --> 00:18:06,007 I'm practicing in case we have sex. 516 00:18:06,049 --> 00:18:08,510 - Practicing what? 517 00:18:08,551 --> 00:18:10,387 - I want her to think I'm experienced, 518 00:18:10,428 --> 00:18:12,263 you know, like I've done it a lot. 519 00:18:12,305 --> 00:18:13,640 - Okay. 520 00:18:13,682 --> 00:18:16,685 Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic. 521 00:18:16,726 --> 00:18:19,688 Uh, one, whoever this girl is, 522 00:18:19,729 --> 00:18:20,980 she's not gonna want to have sex with you 523 00:18:21,022 --> 00:18:22,649 if she thinks that's all you're interested in. 524 00:18:22,691 --> 00:18:25,985 And two, she's definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks 525 00:18:26,027 --> 00:18:27,570 you've been sleeping around with other girls. 526 00:18:27,612 --> 00:18:29,364 - Wait, so I can't want to have sex with her? 527 00:18:29,406 --> 00:18:30,699 - No, you just-- 528 00:18:30,740 --> 00:18:32,742 eh, you can't want it too much, you know? 529 00:18:32,784 --> 00:18:35,245 - Okay, well, what's the right amount to want it? 530 00:18:35,286 --> 00:18:36,746 - Just be yourself. 531 00:18:36,788 --> 00:18:37,664 Okay? 532 00:18:37,706 --> 00:18:38,998 The rest will happen naturally. 533 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,376 - Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself 534 00:18:41,418 --> 00:18:44,838 for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina. 535 00:18:44,879 --> 00:18:46,881 Am I getting that number right, John, zero? 536 00:18:46,923 --> 00:18:48,550 - Yeah, yeah, zero. 537 00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:50,510 I think-- [sighs] 538 00:18:50,552 --> 00:18:52,012 I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way. 539 00:18:52,053 --> 00:18:54,764 - That is a very self-destructive sentence. 540 00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:57,058 - Blaire, please, you're disrupting a teachable moment. 541 00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:58,226 - Fuck it. 542 00:18:58,268 --> 00:18:59,227 Whatever, I tried. 543 00:18:59,269 --> 00:19:00,729 Just give me my bra back. 544 00:19:04,107 --> 00:19:05,859 - Now you know! 545 00:19:07,944 --> 00:19:09,696 - Teddy, we're missing something here. 546 00:19:09,738 --> 00:19:10,822 - What? 547 00:19:10,864 --> 00:19:12,407 - How am I even supposed to get to the sex 548 00:19:12,449 --> 00:19:14,034 if she doesn't have a good time? 549 00:19:14,075 --> 00:19:16,119 I mean, I haven't even planned the fucking date. 550 00:19:16,161 --> 00:19:17,704 - Johnny, you are gonna take her 551 00:19:17,746 --> 00:19:19,581 on the best date of her life. 552 00:19:19,622 --> 00:19:20,749 - What do you mean? How? 553 00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:22,459 - Your teddy bear's got you covered. 554 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:27,922 * * 555 00:19:27,964 --> 00:19:29,424 Hey, Bethany. 556 00:19:29,466 --> 00:19:31,217 This is for you. 557 00:19:31,259 --> 00:19:32,719 - Ted? 558 00:19:32,761 --> 00:19:33,595 What's this? 559 00:19:33,636 --> 00:19:35,597 - Your attire for the evening. 560 00:19:35,638 --> 00:19:38,224 - Wh--I-I'm wearing my outfit for the evening. 561 00:19:38,266 --> 00:19:39,225 Where's John? 562 00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,352 - He awaits you 563 00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,562 on your flying carpet. 564 00:19:42,604 --> 00:19:46,107 [sweeping orchestral music] 565 00:19:46,149 --> 00:19:53,073 * * 566 00:20:01,122 --> 00:20:03,666 - Oh, John, I-I can't believe you did this. 567 00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:06,086 - Yeah, well, it's our first date. 568 00:20:06,127 --> 00:20:08,505 I wanted to make it special. 569 00:20:08,546 --> 00:20:11,883 - I have sort of a confession to make. 570 00:20:11,925 --> 00:20:13,385 - What is it? 571 00:20:13,426 --> 00:20:15,095 - I still haven't seen "Aladdin." 572 00:20:15,136 --> 00:20:17,472 - Aw, man. Are you serious? 573 00:20:17,514 --> 00:20:19,224 I thought, like, every girl loved that movie. 574 00:20:19,265 --> 00:20:20,684 - My friends love it. 575 00:20:20,725 --> 00:20:22,936 I have kind of weird taste in movies. 576 00:20:22,977 --> 00:20:24,354 - Like what? 577 00:20:24,396 --> 00:20:25,438 - It's kind of embarrassing. 578 00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:26,981 - No, you gotta tell me now. 579 00:20:27,023 --> 00:20:30,777 - Well, there's this really good bad movie 580 00:20:30,819 --> 00:20:33,154 from the early '80s called "Flash Gordon." 581 00:20:33,196 --> 00:20:35,407 - No fuckin' way! 582 00:20:35,448 --> 00:20:36,533 - You've seen "Flash Gordon"? 583 00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:37,951 - Oh, only, like, a thousand times! 584 00:20:37,992 --> 00:20:39,452 Of course. It's my favorite fucking movie. 585 00:20:39,494 --> 00:20:40,662 - You're just saying that. - No, no, no. 586 00:20:40,704 --> 00:20:43,039 "Who are you? Flash Gordon. 587 00:20:43,081 --> 00:20:44,457 Quarterback, New York Jets." 588 00:20:44,499 --> 00:20:47,043 - I love that! And when Princess Aura's like, 589 00:20:47,085 --> 00:20:49,295 "Father! Damn you, Father!" 590 00:20:49,337 --> 00:20:51,548 - Oh, man, is that a four-pack-a-day voice or what? 591 00:20:51,589 --> 00:20:53,425 - Dude, those lungs are working overtime. 592 00:20:53,466 --> 00:20:54,884 - Oh, and when Prince Vultan is like, 593 00:20:54,926 --> 00:20:57,345 "That must be one hell of a planet you men come from." 594 00:20:57,387 --> 00:20:58,346 And Flash says.. 595 00:20:58,388 --> 00:20:59,889 [together] "Not too bad." 596 00:20:59,931 --> 00:21:00,932 - Oh, my God. 597 00:21:00,974 --> 00:21:02,642 Holy shit. 598 00:21:02,684 --> 00:21:05,353 I have never met a girl who liked that movie. 599 00:21:05,395 --> 00:21:07,814 - Well, now you have. 600 00:21:12,277 --> 00:21:13,236 - Oh, shit! 601 00:21:13,278 --> 00:21:14,320 [tires screech] 602 00:21:14,362 --> 00:21:15,363 - Ah! 603 00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:17,365 [both grunting] 604 00:21:17,407 --> 00:21:18,867 [squirrel chitters] 605 00:21:20,243 --> 00:21:21,369 - Oh, my God! 606 00:21:21,411 --> 00:21:23,246 Jesus Christ, are you guys okay? 607 00:21:23,288 --> 00:21:24,706 - I think so. 608 00:21:24,748 --> 00:21:26,166 - Johnny, Johnny, you all right? 609 00:21:26,207 --> 00:21:27,292 Talk to me! 610 00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:29,919 - Teddy? 611 00:21:29,961 --> 00:21:31,046 Did I sex? 612 00:21:31,087 --> 00:21:32,505 - You sure did, buddy. 613 00:21:32,547 --> 00:21:34,132 You sexed real good. 614 00:21:34,174 --> 00:21:35,884 You sexed real good. 615 00:21:37,594 --> 00:21:43,516 * * 616 00:21:43,558 --> 00:21:45,560 - You know, you're lucky you weren't more hurt. 617 00:21:45,602 --> 00:21:46,895 How are you feeling now? 618 00:21:46,936 --> 00:21:48,855 - Not too bad, actually. My arm is a little-- 619 00:21:48,897 --> 00:21:50,023 - No, him. 620 00:21:50,065 --> 00:21:51,107 - Oh, right, yeah. 621 00:21:51,149 --> 00:21:52,233 - I'm okay. 622 00:21:52,275 --> 00:21:54,235 Uh, you know, it doesn't hurt that much. 623 00:21:54,277 --> 00:21:57,072 Uh, doctor, I-I really have no idea how this happened. 624 00:21:57,113 --> 00:21:59,157 You know, we were both sitting inside the car, 625 00:21:59,199 --> 00:22:00,492 and we had our seatbelts on, 626 00:22:00,533 --> 00:22:01,868 you know, as is required by law-- 627 00:22:01,910 --> 00:22:04,329 - Son, this isn't my first night in the ER. 628 00:22:04,371 --> 00:22:06,164 I saw the carpet burns. 629 00:22:06,206 --> 00:22:09,417 I know when kids have been "A Whole New World-ing." 630 00:22:09,459 --> 00:22:11,044 I curse the day that movie came out. 631 00:22:11,086 --> 00:22:13,088 All right. You're gonna be okay. 632 00:22:13,129 --> 00:22:14,547 There's no concussion. 633 00:22:14,589 --> 00:22:17,092 But I need you to get some rest for the next few days. 634 00:22:17,133 --> 00:22:18,426 And stay off cars. 635 00:22:18,468 --> 00:22:20,679 - Okay. Thanks. 636 00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:27,227 - Listen, I'm-- I'm sorry about tonight. 637 00:22:27,268 --> 00:22:28,228 You know, it was stupid. 638 00:22:28,269 --> 00:22:29,896 - No, it wasn't. 639 00:22:29,938 --> 00:22:32,732 It was romantic and thoughtful. 640 00:22:32,774 --> 00:22:34,109 - Wait, so you're not mad? 641 00:22:34,150 --> 00:22:35,402 - No. 642 00:22:35,443 --> 00:22:38,780 I like you--a lot. 643 00:22:38,822 --> 00:22:40,865 - Okay, well, do you maybe want to go 644 00:22:40,907 --> 00:22:42,409 on an inside-the-car date sometime? 645 00:22:42,450 --> 00:22:43,785 - [chuckles] 646 00:22:43,827 --> 00:22:45,245 I have a better idea. 647 00:22:45,286 --> 00:22:47,872 I was supposed to go to the prom with Danny Hirsh, 648 00:22:47,914 --> 00:22:50,333 but his acne has reached a point 649 00:22:50,375 --> 00:22:52,335 where I need to take action. 650 00:22:52,377 --> 00:22:54,504 Would you maybe want to go? 651 00:22:54,546 --> 00:22:55,797 - Yeah. 652 00:22:55,839 --> 00:22:57,132 Yeah, yeah, of course. 653 00:22:57,173 --> 00:22:59,134 - Cool. 654 00:22:59,175 --> 00:23:02,804 I'm actually kind of surprised you don't have a date already. 655 00:23:02,846 --> 00:23:05,015 Although I guess I haven't seen you 656 00:23:05,056 --> 00:23:06,683 around school with a girlfriend. 657 00:23:06,725 --> 00:23:09,352 - Oh, John's had lots of girlfriends. 658 00:23:09,394 --> 00:23:10,562 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 659 00:23:10,603 --> 00:23:12,022 Oh, yeah. You're looking at a guy 660 00:23:12,063 --> 00:23:14,482 with a whole lot of experience... 661 00:23:14,524 --> 00:23:15,692 with fucking. 662 00:23:15,734 --> 00:23:16,735 Right, Johnny? 663 00:23:16,776 --> 00:23:18,945 - Uh--uh, yeah. 664 00:23:18,987 --> 00:23:21,364 Yeah, I'm still sore from yesterday, you know? 665 00:23:21,406 --> 00:23:24,242 Yeah, a whole lot of-- whole lot of pounds of torque. 666 00:23:24,284 --> 00:23:25,577 - Oh. - Trust me, 667 00:23:25,618 --> 00:23:27,579 this guy knows his way around a woman. 668 00:23:27,620 --> 00:23:29,039 You know what they call him at school? 669 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,498 The Ladyboy. 670 00:23:30,540 --> 00:23:32,542 He's that seasoned. 671 00:23:32,584 --> 00:23:34,544 - Sorry, we need this room. 672 00:23:34,586 --> 00:23:37,088 We got another one. 673 00:23:37,130 --> 00:23:39,341 Goddamn movie. 674 00:23:39,382 --> 00:23:42,594 * * 675 00:23:42,635 --> 00:23:44,429 - Guess what? 676 00:23:44,471 --> 00:23:48,725 One of the eggs had two yolks. 677 00:23:48,767 --> 00:23:51,061 I can't wait to get invited to a party. 678 00:23:51,102 --> 00:23:52,520 I have small talk. 679 00:23:52,562 --> 00:23:56,024 - Well, you know, uh, Johnny also has some good news. 680 00:23:56,066 --> 00:23:57,942 - Aw, shut up, man. - No, no, no. 681 00:23:57,984 --> 00:24:00,070 No, no, no, we're doing this. I'm proud of you, man. 682 00:24:00,111 --> 00:24:02,864 Our boy has been invited to the prom. 683 00:24:02,906 --> 00:24:04,407 - [gasps] - What? 684 00:24:04,449 --> 00:24:05,784 Are you serious? - Wait a minute. 685 00:24:05,825 --> 00:24:07,327 Wait a minute. Invited? 686 00:24:07,369 --> 00:24:08,661 She invited you? 687 00:24:08,703 --> 00:24:10,580 - Yeah. - See that, Susan? 688 00:24:10,622 --> 00:24:12,165 Still think the Clintons are harmless? 689 00:24:12,207 --> 00:24:14,042 - Times are changing, Matty. You gotta keep up. 690 00:24:14,084 --> 00:24:15,502 - Oh, John! 691 00:24:15,543 --> 00:24:18,505 I'm so happy for you. [chuckles] 692 00:24:18,546 --> 00:24:20,215 Who's the lucky girl? 693 00:24:20,256 --> 00:24:21,758 - Bethany Borgwardt. 694 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,135 - Wait, the--the girl from the other night? 695 00:24:24,177 --> 00:24:24,928 The one with the-- 696 00:24:24,969 --> 00:24:26,179 - The bra lady, yeah. 697 00:24:26,221 --> 00:24:28,473 Guess somebody gave him some good advice. 698 00:24:28,515 --> 00:24:31,685 - Well, I'm very surprised. 699 00:24:31,726 --> 00:24:34,813 Uh, I guess, good luck. 700 00:24:34,854 --> 00:24:36,564 - All right, I gotta go to work. 701 00:24:36,606 --> 00:24:37,691 I'll see you later. 702 00:24:37,732 --> 00:24:38,733 - Don't forget your lunch, honey. 703 00:24:38,775 --> 00:24:40,110 - [grunts] 704 00:24:41,486 --> 00:24:42,821 Take the fruit out! 705 00:24:42,862 --> 00:24:44,531 I can't be seen at work with a plum! 706 00:24:44,572 --> 00:24:45,824 - Why? 707 00:24:45,865 --> 00:24:47,617 There's fiber in here, hon. 708 00:24:47,659 --> 00:24:49,786 You haven't made caca yet. 709 00:24:49,828 --> 00:24:51,663 - Hey, Blaire, you know, since Johnny's got a date, 710 00:24:51,705 --> 00:24:52,872 how about you and me go to the prom? 711 00:24:52,914 --> 00:24:54,541 - Yeah, no thanks. 712 00:24:54,582 --> 00:24:55,583 - Why not? 713 00:24:55,625 --> 00:24:56,835 - A high school prom? 714 00:24:56,876 --> 00:24:58,294 Been there, done that. 715 00:24:58,336 --> 00:24:59,796 No booze, no thanks. 716 00:24:59,838 --> 00:25:01,172 - Ah, come on. Don't leave me hanging! 717 00:25:01,214 --> 00:25:02,757 Johnny's gonna be off getting laid. 718 00:25:02,799 --> 00:25:03,717 I don't want to be stuck talking 719 00:25:03,758 --> 00:25:04,884 to a bunch of wiener bags. 720 00:25:04,926 --> 00:25:06,011 - Don't you think you're being 721 00:25:06,052 --> 00:25:07,637 a little overconfident about this? 722 00:25:07,679 --> 00:25:09,681 I mean, he just started dating this girl. 723 00:25:09,723 --> 00:25:10,807 - Yeah, but it's-- 724 00:25:10,849 --> 00:25:12,100 it's going really good, Blaire. 725 00:25:12,142 --> 00:25:13,768 We had a great time on our first date. 726 00:25:13,810 --> 00:25:14,978 Even the hospital was fun. 727 00:25:15,020 --> 00:25:16,771 - Yeah, they're gonna fuck for sure. 728 00:25:16,813 --> 00:25:19,607 I mean, unless, you know, the timing's off. 729 00:25:19,649 --> 00:25:20,608 - What do you mean? 730 00:25:20,650 --> 00:25:21,985 - Well, I mean, you know, if-- 731 00:25:22,027 --> 00:25:24,154 if she's gotta make her period. 732 00:25:24,195 --> 00:25:25,905 - What? - You know, if it's 733 00:25:25,947 --> 00:25:27,198 that time of the week. 734 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,951 - Okay, so what? So what if she gets her period? 735 00:25:29,993 --> 00:25:31,953 - Well, like, you can't have sex then, right? 736 00:25:31,995 --> 00:25:34,205 Like, I heard that if you have sex 737 00:25:34,247 --> 00:25:35,790 while a girl's doing her period, 738 00:25:35,832 --> 00:25:38,084 then--then you could go back in time. 739 00:25:38,126 --> 00:25:40,670 - I think I just went back in time. 740 00:25:40,712 --> 00:25:42,339 Does any male in this house 741 00:25:42,380 --> 00:25:45,800 actually even fucking know how it works? 742 00:25:47,635 --> 00:25:48,636 Well, do you? 743 00:25:48,678 --> 00:25:50,055 - I-I do not. - I actually 744 00:25:50,096 --> 00:25:51,056 have no idea, no. - Yeah. 745 00:25:51,097 --> 00:25:52,223 - Yeah. - Ugh. Okay. 746 00:25:52,265 --> 00:25:53,892 - I actually was always kind of curious. 747 00:25:53,933 --> 00:25:55,643 - There's, like, a-- a little tube, right? 748 00:25:55,685 --> 00:25:57,103 - Yes, a tampon. 749 00:25:57,145 --> 00:25:58,521 - Oh, yeah, I know that word. 750 00:25:58,563 --> 00:26:00,231 - Is a crampon also something? 751 00:26:00,273 --> 00:26:02,067 - A crampon is used for rock climbing. 752 00:26:02,108 --> 00:26:03,693 It's got nothing to do with periods. 753 00:26:03,735 --> 00:26:04,819 - Oh. 754 00:26:04,861 --> 00:26:05,820 It's weird that it has the word 755 00:26:05,862 --> 00:26:06,863 "cramp" in there though, yeah? 756 00:26:06,905 --> 00:26:08,281 - Two completely different things. 757 00:26:08,323 --> 00:26:09,491 - But you can see why I thought-- 758 00:26:09,532 --> 00:26:10,575 - Okay, you want to make jokes, 759 00:26:10,617 --> 00:26:11,493 or you want to fucking learn something? 760 00:26:11,534 --> 00:26:12,827 - I wasn't making a joke! 761 00:26:12,869 --> 00:26:14,287 I didn't know about the rock climbing! God! 762 00:26:14,329 --> 00:26:15,538 - How's it work? 763 00:26:15,580 --> 00:26:16,831 Give me your best guess. 764 00:26:16,873 --> 00:26:19,542 - You put the tampon inside. 765 00:26:19,584 --> 00:26:21,586 - Genius, yes. How? 766 00:26:21,628 --> 00:26:23,171 - Y-you swallow it. 767 00:26:23,213 --> 00:26:27,092 - You use the applicator to insert it into the vagina, 768 00:26:27,133 --> 00:26:29,678 and then you remove the applicator by pulling it out. 769 00:26:29,719 --> 00:26:31,638 - And this happens all the time? 770 00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,139 - Once a month for just a few days. 771 00:26:33,181 --> 00:26:34,683 - Is it shorter in February? 772 00:26:34,724 --> 00:26:35,850 - You want to get fucking wet? 773 00:26:35,892 --> 00:26:37,227 - No, no, no. No, I'm good, I'm good. 774 00:26:38,144 --> 00:26:41,731 - Look, I know you guys think you're pretty smart. 775 00:26:41,773 --> 00:26:47,362 But maybe you're not as ready for sex as you think you are. 776 00:26:47,404 --> 00:26:49,989 [phone ringing] 777 00:26:53,410 --> 00:26:54,411 - Hello? 778 00:26:54,452 --> 00:26:55,870 - John, it's Bethany. 779 00:26:55,912 --> 00:26:57,622 - Oh, hey, Bethany. 780 00:26:57,664 --> 00:26:59,708 Yeah, we were, uh--we were just talking about the prom. 781 00:26:59,749 --> 00:27:00,709 I'm really excited. 782 00:27:00,750 --> 00:27:02,085 What time should I pick you up? 783 00:27:02,127 --> 00:27:05,755 - Yeah, about that, I've been thinking, 784 00:27:05,797 --> 00:27:09,384 maybe it's better if we go separately. 785 00:27:09,426 --> 00:27:11,177 - Wait--wait, what? Why? 786 00:27:11,219 --> 00:27:14,347 - I just think you might be a little bit too, um, 787 00:27:14,389 --> 00:27:16,224 experienced for me. 788 00:27:16,266 --> 00:27:17,684 - No, but-- [splutters] 789 00:27:17,726 --> 00:27:19,060 - [high-pitched] Come back to bed, Johnny! 790 00:27:19,102 --> 00:27:20,895 I'm one of your many satisfied 791 00:27:20,937 --> 00:27:22,105 sexual partners! - [whispers] Stop! 792 00:27:22,147 --> 00:27:23,064 - [whispers] What? He's gonna thank me. 793 00:27:23,106 --> 00:27:25,066 - No, he's not! - Shh! 794 00:27:25,108 --> 00:27:26,985 Hey, uh, can we talk about this? 795 00:27:27,027 --> 00:27:28,653 - I'm sure you've got lots of other girls 796 00:27:28,695 --> 00:27:29,988 who'd love to go with you. 797 00:27:30,030 --> 00:27:31,823 Maybe you ask one of them. 798 00:27:31,865 --> 00:27:33,283 Sorry. 799 00:27:36,745 --> 00:27:38,455 - She dumped me. 800 00:27:38,496 --> 00:27:39,873 - What? 801 00:27:39,914 --> 00:27:43,293 - Yeah, it's--it's over. 802 00:27:43,334 --> 00:27:44,502 - No, it's not. 803 00:27:44,544 --> 00:27:46,129 We are gonna do what they do in the movies. 804 00:27:46,171 --> 00:27:48,131 Go over there tonight, stand on her lawn, 805 00:27:48,173 --> 00:27:50,467 and declare your love for all the world to hear. 806 00:27:50,508 --> 00:27:51,468 - Yeah. 807 00:27:51,509 --> 00:27:52,844 [siren chirps] 808 00:27:54,304 --> 00:27:56,264 Sorry about that, Officer. Thank you so much. 809 00:27:56,306 --> 00:27:57,932 - Our apologies. Won't happen again. 810 00:27:57,974 --> 00:27:59,601 - Wow, that was so not good. 811 00:27:59,642 --> 00:28:02,103 - Yeah, her dad really did not care that you love her. 812 00:28:02,145 --> 00:28:03,897 - I can't believe I listened to you. 813 00:28:03,938 --> 00:28:05,440 You fucked this whole thing up, Teddy! 814 00:28:05,482 --> 00:28:07,734 - It's okay, Johnny. We can still salvage this. 815 00:28:07,776 --> 00:28:09,861 All right, there's gonna be a lot of girls at the prom. 816 00:28:09,903 --> 00:28:11,154 We're gonna get you a fake chest. 817 00:28:11,196 --> 00:28:12,113 We'll stick a sock in your pants. 818 00:28:12,155 --> 00:28:14,115 - This isn't just about sex, okay? 819 00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:15,450 How many times do I have to stand here 820 00:28:15,492 --> 00:28:17,535 and tell you, I really like her? 821 00:28:17,577 --> 00:28:18,703 She's wicked cool. 822 00:28:18,745 --> 00:28:19,996 We've got a lot in common. 823 00:28:20,038 --> 00:28:22,082 - Wasn't it pretty much just "Flash Gordon"? 824 00:28:22,123 --> 00:28:23,833 - We could have built off that. 825 00:28:23,875 --> 00:28:24,918 Where am I gonna find another girl 826 00:28:24,959 --> 00:28:26,127 who likes that movie? 827 00:28:26,169 --> 00:28:27,128 I mean, you and me like it, 828 00:28:27,170 --> 00:28:28,421 but that's mostly 'cause of drugs. 829 00:28:28,463 --> 00:28:30,090 - Okay, look, I fucked up, all right? 830 00:28:30,131 --> 00:28:31,633 But we can still have fun at the prom. 831 00:28:31,675 --> 00:28:34,469 Come on, we'll spike the punch and stuff the ballot box 832 00:28:34,511 --> 00:28:36,971 so a couple of horse-faced kids win King and Queen. 833 00:28:37,013 --> 00:28:38,014 - If you want to go to the prom, 834 00:28:38,056 --> 00:28:39,849 you can do it without me. 835 00:28:39,891 --> 00:28:41,101 - Johnny. 836 00:28:43,478 --> 00:28:47,524 [melancholy music] 837 00:28:51,736 --> 00:28:54,864 [jazzy music] 838 00:28:54,906 --> 00:28:56,574 - Come on, hurry up, 839 00:28:56,616 --> 00:28:59,077 before I change my mind. 840 00:28:59,953 --> 00:29:01,204 Oh, my God, that's-- 841 00:29:01,246 --> 00:29:03,039 that's the tie you landed on? 842 00:29:03,081 --> 00:29:04,249 - Yeah, what's wrong with it? 843 00:29:04,290 --> 00:29:05,875 - You're wearing a fucking piano tie to prom. 844 00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,460 What are you, in an a-ha video? 845 00:29:07,502 --> 00:29:09,546 - Well, you know, it's kind of hard to tie a bow tie 846 00:29:09,587 --> 00:29:10,714 when you got no fingers. 847 00:29:10,755 --> 00:29:12,382 You look great, by the way. 848 00:29:12,424 --> 00:29:14,259 See? See how easy that is, 849 00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:15,468 to give someone a compliment? 850 00:29:15,510 --> 00:29:20,306 - Oh, look at you two, all dressed up! 851 00:29:20,348 --> 00:29:23,476 Oh, Matty, don't they look nice? 852 00:29:23,518 --> 00:29:25,186 - Yeah. - Blaire, you should 853 00:29:25,228 --> 00:29:27,814 wear girl clothes more often, hon. 854 00:29:27,856 --> 00:29:28,898 - Thanks. 855 00:29:28,940 --> 00:29:30,525 - Is John going too? 856 00:29:30,567 --> 00:29:33,737 - No, he's, uh-- he's still pretty upset. 857 00:29:33,778 --> 00:29:36,031 - Oh, no, my baby. 858 00:29:36,072 --> 00:29:39,576 - Matty, why don't you go talk to him? 859 00:29:39,617 --> 00:29:40,660 - Huh? 860 00:29:40,702 --> 00:29:42,245 - Go talk to John. 861 00:29:42,287 --> 00:29:43,371 - What do you mean? 862 00:29:43,413 --> 00:29:44,998 - Oh, my God. Am I speaking Farsi? 863 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:46,583 Go speak to your son. 864 00:29:46,624 --> 00:29:49,252 Do, like, a, I don't know, father-type thing. 865 00:29:49,294 --> 00:29:51,796 - You know, I remember my junior prom 866 00:29:51,838 --> 00:29:54,174 and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb. 867 00:29:54,215 --> 00:29:57,302 He was so nervous, he accidentally stabbed me 868 00:29:57,344 --> 00:29:59,637 putting on the corsage. 869 00:29:59,679 --> 00:30:02,265 And I didn't want to make a fuss or anything like that, 870 00:30:02,307 --> 00:30:03,641 so I spent the whole night 871 00:30:03,683 --> 00:30:06,811 with this carnation stuck to my breast. 872 00:30:06,853 --> 00:30:09,481 - Jesus, this fucking story again. 873 00:30:09,522 --> 00:30:11,316 I'll talk to John. 874 00:30:14,319 --> 00:30:16,196 - And then I got sepsis, 875 00:30:16,237 --> 00:30:18,531 and I'm still not allowed to swim. 876 00:30:20,325 --> 00:30:23,119 [video game beeping] 877 00:30:23,161 --> 00:30:24,788 - Hey, Johnny, wrap it up. I need your help. 878 00:30:24,829 --> 00:30:26,081 - Just started the game. 879 00:30:26,122 --> 00:30:27,248 - Tough shit. 880 00:30:27,290 --> 00:30:28,333 I gotta load our old refrigerator 881 00:30:28,375 --> 00:30:29,334 in the back of the truck, 882 00:30:29,376 --> 00:30:30,960 dump it in the woods. 883 00:30:31,002 --> 00:30:32,462 - It's 7:30 at night. 884 00:30:32,504 --> 00:30:34,839 - Yeah. This isn't exactly legal, John. 885 00:30:34,881 --> 00:30:37,300 But I'll be damned if I'm paying for bulky-item pickup. 886 00:30:37,342 --> 00:30:39,135 Besides, it'll be fun for kids to play in. 887 00:30:39,177 --> 00:30:40,887 - Can't we just do it another time? 888 00:30:40,929 --> 00:30:44,015 - Why? It's not like you have anywhere to go, right? 889 00:30:46,267 --> 00:30:47,644 - Dad, I know what you're doing. 890 00:30:47,686 --> 00:30:48,645 - I'm not doing anything. 891 00:30:48,687 --> 00:30:49,979 I just need another set of hands. 892 00:30:50,021 --> 00:30:51,314 - I'm not going to prom! 893 00:30:51,356 --> 00:30:53,775 All right? I--I got dumped. 894 00:30:53,817 --> 00:30:55,193 It'll be too embarrassing. 895 00:31:01,116 --> 00:31:03,368 - Life is a series of embarrassments. 896 00:31:03,410 --> 00:31:05,453 Bosses humiliating you, 897 00:31:05,495 --> 00:31:07,664 your wife nagging you all the time, 898 00:31:07,706 --> 00:31:10,083 going off to fight in the one war 899 00:31:10,125 --> 00:31:11,000 where you're the bad guy. 900 00:31:11,042 --> 00:31:12,168 I mean, fuck. 901 00:31:12,210 --> 00:31:13,670 - Is this supposed to be a pep talk? 902 00:31:13,712 --> 00:31:15,839 - All I'm saying is, you only get so many nights 903 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,674 like this one, John. 904 00:31:17,716 --> 00:31:20,385 There are no junior proms when you're an adult. 905 00:31:20,427 --> 00:31:22,220 You miss this one, that's fucking it. 906 00:31:22,262 --> 00:31:24,139 The rest of your life is spending all day 907 00:31:24,180 --> 00:31:25,515 breaking your back, and all night 908 00:31:25,557 --> 00:31:28,810 standing at a toilet, peeing in Morse code. 909 00:31:34,065 --> 00:31:35,567 All right. 910 00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:41,322 There you go. 911 00:31:44,284 --> 00:31:48,246 [indistinct chatter, music thumping] 912 00:31:48,288 --> 00:31:50,081 - * Rhythm is a dancer * 913 00:31:50,123 --> 00:31:52,167 * It's a soul's companion * 914 00:31:52,208 --> 00:31:55,545 * You can feel it everywhere * 915 00:31:55,587 --> 00:31:57,714 * Lift your hands and voices * 916 00:31:57,756 --> 00:31:59,674 * Free your mind and join us * 917 00:31:59,716 --> 00:32:02,427 - See, this ain't so bad, right? 918 00:32:02,469 --> 00:32:05,889 - Thanks to this, not the worst night of my life. 919 00:32:05,930 --> 00:32:09,642 - Yeah, well, I'm having a nice time with you too. 920 00:32:09,684 --> 00:32:13,104 And the compliment-free evening continues. 921 00:32:13,146 --> 00:32:14,397 Hey, Javier! 922 00:32:14,439 --> 00:32:16,441 Ha! I know that guy. 923 00:32:16,483 --> 00:32:17,901 - No one was looking at you. 924 00:32:17,942 --> 00:32:19,819 - Yeah, it's just--there was-- there was the one guy. 925 00:32:19,861 --> 00:32:21,905 - No, I have great eyes, and no one was looking. 926 00:32:21,946 --> 00:32:24,074 - No, it's just--it's this thing we do, the two of us. 927 00:32:24,115 --> 00:32:25,742 Ah, that's so him. 928 00:32:25,784 --> 00:32:27,744 - Have you made any fucking friends this year? 929 00:32:27,786 --> 00:32:29,204 - Uh, not really, no. 930 00:32:29,245 --> 00:32:32,082 [whooping and laughter] 931 00:32:32,123 --> 00:32:34,542 - Shit, Ted, look. 932 00:32:36,294 --> 00:32:38,296 - Hey! Hey, Johnny! 933 00:32:42,008 --> 00:32:43,718 - Hey, John. - Hey, buddy. 934 00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:45,887 Hey, hey, you just missed Javier, man. 935 00:32:45,929 --> 00:32:47,180 He was up to his old tricks. 936 00:32:47,222 --> 00:32:48,723 - Shit, again? 937 00:32:48,765 --> 00:32:49,766 Man, I really gotta meet that guy. 938 00:32:49,808 --> 00:32:51,393 He sounds awesome. - I know, I-- 939 00:32:51,434 --> 00:32:53,269 fuck, he's always just leaving when you get here. 940 00:32:53,311 --> 00:32:55,271 I-I don't-- I don't know how that happens. 941 00:32:55,313 --> 00:32:58,233 - Well, listen, man, I-- 942 00:32:58,274 --> 00:33:00,235 I'm really sorry for laying into you like that. 943 00:33:00,276 --> 00:33:01,861 - No, man, I'm sorry. 944 00:33:01,903 --> 00:33:04,447 I fucked things up between you and Bethany. 945 00:33:04,489 --> 00:33:06,199 I should have just kept my big mouth shut 946 00:33:06,241 --> 00:33:07,575 and let you be yourself. 947 00:33:07,617 --> 00:33:09,619 - No, man, it's not all your fault. 948 00:33:09,661 --> 00:33:11,746 I didn't have to listen to you. 949 00:33:11,788 --> 00:33:13,498 I made my own choices. 950 00:33:18,878 --> 00:33:21,381 I think I know how to un-fuck things. 951 00:33:25,844 --> 00:33:27,971 Bethany. Hi. 952 00:33:28,013 --> 00:33:30,223 - John. 953 00:33:30,265 --> 00:33:32,058 Hi. 954 00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:35,395 - So listen, I was wondering 955 00:33:35,437 --> 00:33:40,025 if you'd maybe give me another chance. 956 00:33:40,066 --> 00:33:43,570 - John, look. 957 00:33:43,611 --> 00:33:45,113 I think you're a nice-enough guy, 958 00:33:45,155 --> 00:33:48,366 but you're not the guy for me. 959 00:33:48,408 --> 00:33:49,659 I-I'm just not interested 960 00:33:49,701 --> 00:33:51,327 in being a notch in someone's belt. 961 00:33:51,369 --> 00:33:54,205 - Okay, well, that's what I'm here to tell you. 962 00:33:54,247 --> 00:33:56,875 I've never had sex, okay? 963 00:33:56,916 --> 00:33:59,169 I'm a virgin. I-I said that I had 964 00:33:59,210 --> 00:34:00,295 because I thought it would impress you. 965 00:34:00,336 --> 00:34:01,963 It was stupid. 966 00:34:02,005 --> 00:34:04,174 - So you lied to me? 967 00:34:04,215 --> 00:34:06,009 - Well, yeah. 968 00:34:06,051 --> 00:34:07,260 I'm sorry. 969 00:34:07,302 --> 00:34:09,012 - How do I know you're not lying now? 970 00:34:09,054 --> 00:34:10,263 - I'm not. I'm not. 971 00:34:10,305 --> 00:34:11,556 I swear to God. 972 00:34:14,267 --> 00:34:16,227 And I think I can prove it. 973 00:34:20,065 --> 00:34:21,441 Excuse me. 974 00:34:21,483 --> 00:34:23,276 I need that mic. I got something to say. 975 00:34:23,318 --> 00:34:25,987 - Sorry, it's against the rules... 976 00:34:26,029 --> 00:34:27,906 unless it's for true love. 977 00:34:27,947 --> 00:34:28,907 - It is. 978 00:34:33,244 --> 00:34:35,038 - Go get her. 979 00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:36,414 [music stops] 980 00:34:36,456 --> 00:34:37,499 - Hi. Hi, every-- [feedback whines] 981 00:34:37,540 --> 00:34:38,583 Oh, that's loud. Hi, everyone. 982 00:34:38,625 --> 00:34:40,710 Excuse me. Excuse me. 983 00:34:40,752 --> 00:34:42,712 Sorry for the interruption. I, uh, 984 00:34:42,754 --> 00:34:46,049 uh, just have a real quick question. 985 00:34:46,091 --> 00:34:48,760 Who here has had sex with me? 986 00:34:51,805 --> 00:34:53,390 Nobody. 987 00:34:53,431 --> 00:34:54,933 You want to know why? 988 00:34:54,974 --> 00:34:57,894 Because I'm a virgin. 989 00:34:57,936 --> 00:34:59,938 I was too embarrassed to admit it until tonight, 990 00:34:59,979 --> 00:35:02,065 but it's the truth. 991 00:35:02,107 --> 00:35:03,566 And you know what? 992 00:35:03,608 --> 00:35:06,069 I bet I'm not alone. 993 00:35:06,111 --> 00:35:09,364 I bet there are more of you out there just like me, 994 00:35:09,406 --> 00:35:11,241 so let's stop being embarrassed 995 00:35:11,282 --> 00:35:13,368 and let our voices be heard. 996 00:35:13,410 --> 00:35:15,370 Who out there is a virgin? 997 00:35:16,454 --> 00:35:19,833 [hushed chatter] 998 00:35:19,874 --> 00:35:23,253 [stifled laughter] 999 00:35:23,294 --> 00:35:25,255 - Nerd! 1000 00:35:25,296 --> 00:35:26,840 - What the fuck? - What? He was drowning. 1001 00:35:26,881 --> 00:35:28,425 No sense in me going down with him. 1002 00:35:28,466 --> 00:35:31,594 [laughter] 1003 00:35:45,150 --> 00:35:46,985 - Hey. Hey, John, wait up! 1004 00:35:51,614 --> 00:35:53,658 I can't believe you just did that. 1005 00:35:53,700 --> 00:35:55,368 - Oh. Yeah, it was pretty stupid. 1006 00:35:55,410 --> 00:35:57,912 - Yeah, very stupid. [chuckles] 1007 00:35:59,289 --> 00:36:01,291 But it took guts. 1008 00:36:01,332 --> 00:36:02,792 - Well, I mean, 1009 00:36:02,834 --> 00:36:05,462 it's not like my social life could get any worse. 1010 00:36:05,503 --> 00:36:08,423 - [chuckles] Well... 1011 00:36:08,465 --> 00:36:09,966 you want to know a secret? 1012 00:36:10,008 --> 00:36:11,968 - What? 1013 00:36:12,010 --> 00:36:16,264 - You're not the only person at this school who hasn't-- 1014 00:36:16,306 --> 00:36:17,724 you know. 1015 00:36:17,766 --> 00:36:19,142 - Wait. [chuckles] 1016 00:36:19,184 --> 00:36:21,353 Wait, you're a virgin too? 1017 00:36:21,394 --> 00:36:23,646 - Mm-hmm. 1018 00:36:23,688 --> 00:36:25,899 - You know, I don't think I believe you. 1019 00:36:25,940 --> 00:36:27,275 - What? - I think you gotta 1020 00:36:27,317 --> 00:36:28,526 get up and tell the whole school. 1021 00:36:28,568 --> 00:36:30,612 - Yeah, no thanks. I'm not an idiot. 1022 00:36:30,653 --> 00:36:32,072 - Oh, you sure? Why not? 1023 00:36:32,113 --> 00:36:34,240 It's a great feeling. I can't recommend it enough. 1024 00:36:34,282 --> 00:36:35,784 - [laughs] 1025 00:36:37,577 --> 00:36:39,329 Do you want to get out of here? 1026 00:36:39,371 --> 00:36:42,832 Maybe hang at my house? 1027 00:36:42,874 --> 00:36:45,585 My dad and his girlfriend are out for the night. 1028 00:36:47,045 --> 00:36:48,338 - Sure. 1029 00:36:48,380 --> 00:36:50,006 [All-4-One's "I Swear"] 1030 00:36:50,048 --> 00:36:53,009 - * And I swear * - * I swear * 1031 00:36:53,051 --> 00:36:58,348 - * By the moon and the stars in the sky * 1032 00:36:58,390 --> 00:37:01,851 * I'll be there * - * I'll be there * 1033 00:37:01,893 --> 00:37:04,062 - * I swear * - * And I swear * 1034 00:37:04,104 --> 00:37:06,064 - I think those two might just make it. 1035 00:37:06,106 --> 00:37:07,899 - Yeah, I think so too. 1036 00:37:09,109 --> 00:37:11,111 - Well, now what? - One of the goth kids 1037 00:37:11,152 --> 00:37:12,612 in the parking lot gave me a pill. 1038 00:37:12,654 --> 00:37:14,406 I got no idea what it is. You want to split it? 1039 00:37:14,447 --> 00:37:16,658 - * For better or worse * 1040 00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:18,576 * Till death do us part * 1041 00:37:18,618 --> 00:37:22,288 - * Uh, yeah, talk to me, yeah * 1042 00:37:22,330 --> 00:37:24,791 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1043 00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:26,167 * What a mighty good man * 1044 00:37:26,209 --> 00:37:28,211 * He's a mighty, mighty good man * 1045 00:37:28,253 --> 00:37:30,296 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1046 00:37:30,338 --> 00:37:31,923 * What a mighty good man * - * All right * 1047 00:37:31,965 --> 00:37:34,718 - [giggles] What are you doing back there? 1048 00:37:34,759 --> 00:37:36,928 - Trying to unhook your bra. 1049 00:37:36,970 --> 00:37:39,764 - Well, if there was any doubt about your being a virgin... 1050 00:37:43,143 --> 00:37:44,644 - Ah! Ah, shit, all right. 1051 00:37:44,686 --> 00:37:47,313 I think I tore it, and I might have fucking cut myself. 1052 00:37:47,355 --> 00:37:49,315 - Here, why don't I get it? 1053 00:37:49,357 --> 00:37:52,152 Um, do you have a condom? 1054 00:37:52,193 --> 00:37:53,319 - Yeah. Yeah, a grown-up 1055 00:37:53,361 --> 00:37:54,863 at the pharmacy helped me pick one out. 1056 00:37:54,904 --> 00:37:55,822 - What? 1057 00:37:55,864 --> 00:37:57,574 - Nothing. Uh, yeah. 1058 00:37:57,615 --> 00:37:59,200 Yeah, I got one. 1059 00:37:59,242 --> 00:38:03,955 - Good, 'cause I think we should have sex. 1060 00:38:03,997 --> 00:38:05,165 - Really? 1061 00:38:06,624 --> 00:38:08,334 Holy shit, Blaire was right. 1062 00:38:08,376 --> 00:38:09,586 - Huh? - Nothing. 1063 00:38:09,627 --> 00:38:12,380 Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready. 1064 00:38:12,422 --> 00:38:13,757 - * 'Cause his mama taught him that * 1065 00:38:13,798 --> 00:38:15,050 - * I got a good man * 1066 00:38:15,091 --> 00:38:16,634 - * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1067 00:38:16,676 --> 00:38:18,887 * What a mighty good man * 1068 00:38:18,928 --> 00:38:20,221 * A mighty, mighty good man * 1069 00:38:20,263 --> 00:38:22,307 * What a man, what a man, what a man * 1070 00:38:22,349 --> 00:38:24,517 * What a mighty good man * 1071 00:38:24,559 --> 00:38:26,895 - * Yes, he is * - * What a man, what a man * 1072 00:38:26,936 --> 00:38:29,397 [breaking news jingle plays] 1073 00:38:29,439 --> 00:38:30,732 - Oh, my God! - What? What? 1074 00:38:30,774 --> 00:38:32,192 What's wrong? - Look! 1075 00:38:32,233 --> 00:38:34,277 - Police are in pursuit of a white Bronco 1076 00:38:34,319 --> 00:38:37,155 presumed to be the vehicle of OJ Simpson. 1077 00:38:37,197 --> 00:38:39,657 Now, as you can see there, it's traveling very slowly-- 1078 00:38:39,699 --> 00:38:41,201 - Holy shit! 1079 00:38:41,242 --> 00:38:43,036 - Yeah. Yeah, that's really something. 1080 00:38:43,078 --> 00:38:45,455 - Fuck! Does this mean he actually did do it? 1081 00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:46,748 - Speaking of doing it-- 1082 00:38:46,790 --> 00:38:47,957 - Where do you think he's going? 1083 00:38:47,999 --> 00:38:49,793 And why are they driving so slow? 1084 00:38:49,834 --> 00:38:51,628 - I'm sure the LAPD has its best men on it. 1085 00:38:51,669 --> 00:38:52,629 - I mean, he must have done it, right? 1086 00:38:52,670 --> 00:38:53,838 Why else is he running? 1087 00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:55,548 - Times like these, all we can really do 1088 00:38:55,590 --> 00:38:56,966 is hold each other close. - Fuck! 1089 00:38:57,008 --> 00:38:59,719 I mean, he was Nordberg in "The Naked Gun," 1090 00:38:59,761 --> 00:39:01,262 and now he might be a murderer? 1091 00:39:01,304 --> 00:39:03,973 - I think Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would 1092 00:39:04,015 --> 00:39:06,101 really want us to make the most of this night. 1093 00:39:06,142 --> 00:39:09,312 - And now we're hearing reports that he has a gun. 1094 00:39:09,354 --> 00:39:12,315 - Oh, my God. 1095 00:39:12,357 --> 00:39:15,652 I don't think this is gonna have a happy ending. 1096 00:39:15,694 --> 00:39:17,654 - No fucking shit. 1097 00:39:17,696 --> 00:39:19,322 - To repeat, he is believed-- 1098 00:39:19,364 --> 00:39:21,991 [jazzy music] 1099 00:39:22,033 --> 00:39:25,745 - It's just like what happened with my parents and Nixon. 1100 00:39:25,787 --> 00:39:27,956 Oh. Oh, my God. 1101 00:39:27,997 --> 00:39:29,833 Oh, my God, I'm my mother. 1102 00:39:29,874 --> 00:39:31,751 - Well, your mother actually had sex, 1103 00:39:31,793 --> 00:39:34,546 so that comparison doesn't really work. 1104 00:39:34,587 --> 00:39:36,214 But at least you got a girlfriend now. 1105 00:39:36,256 --> 00:39:38,550 - Eh, sort of. 1106 00:39:38,591 --> 00:39:40,552 - Whoa, what do you mean, "sort of"? 1107 00:39:40,593 --> 00:39:42,887 - Bethany's spending the summer in Italy. 1108 00:39:42,929 --> 00:39:44,139 She's leaving tomorrow. 1109 00:39:44,180 --> 00:39:45,932 - Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. 1110 00:39:45,974 --> 00:39:48,393 That vagina's gonna be right where you left it. 1111 00:39:48,435 --> 00:39:49,894 - You think so? - Oh, yeah, 1112 00:39:49,936 --> 00:39:52,355 Italian guys are famous for their sexual restraint 1113 00:39:52,397 --> 00:39:54,149 and respect for women. 1114 00:39:54,190 --> 00:39:56,317 - Oh, you were saying-- - I was saying the opposite. 1115 00:39:56,359 --> 00:39:57,819 - You were doing a bit. You were doing, like, 1116 00:39:57,861 --> 00:39:58,903 a bit, like an opposite thing. - I was saying the thing 1117 00:39:58,945 --> 00:40:00,071 they don't do. - You motherfucker. 1118 00:40:00,113 --> 00:40:02,032 - Yeah. 1119 00:40:02,073 --> 00:40:03,992 - Man, junior year was weird, huh? 1120 00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:05,994 - Yeah, it sucked, no doubt about it. 1121 00:40:06,036 --> 00:40:07,495 - Yeah. 1122 00:40:07,537 --> 00:40:09,164 But you know what? 1123 00:40:09,205 --> 00:40:11,374 Would've sucked way worse without you, buddy. 1124 00:40:11,416 --> 00:40:12,709 - Thanks, man. 1125 00:40:12,751 --> 00:40:15,045 That touches me deeply... 1126 00:40:15,086 --> 00:40:16,921 which is what's gonna happen to Bethany in Italy. 1127 00:40:16,963 --> 00:40:18,214 Sorry. Sorry. - Oh, you motherfucker. 1128 00:40:18,256 --> 00:40:19,466 - That was the last one. - Like, seriously though? 1129 00:40:19,507 --> 00:40:20,467 - I know you're hurting. That was the last one. 1130 00:40:20,508 --> 00:40:22,344 Last one. 1131 00:40:22,385 --> 00:40:24,387 - I wonder what senior year's gonna be like. 1132 00:40:24,429 --> 00:40:25,889 - I don't know. 1133 00:40:25,930 --> 00:40:27,724 But you know what? I say we make it great. 1134 00:40:27,766 --> 00:40:29,559 Really turn our lives around, you know? 1135 00:40:29,601 --> 00:40:31,936 - Yeah. Yeah, like actually do all 1136 00:40:31,978 --> 00:40:33,938 the summer reading and shit, like, show up prepared. 1137 00:40:33,980 --> 00:40:36,024 - Yeah, maybe even get a jump on our college applications. 1138 00:40:36,066 --> 00:40:38,360 - Yeah. That sounds great. 1139 00:40:38,401 --> 00:40:40,111 First thing tomorrow. 1140 00:40:41,654 --> 00:40:43,615 Looks like it might rain. 1141 00:40:43,656 --> 00:40:45,241 [thunder crashes] Jesus fucking Christ! 1142 00:40:45,283 --> 00:40:47,077 - Fucking shit! Why does it have to do that? 1143 00:40:47,118 --> 00:40:49,245 - Oh, my God, it's so fucking scary. 1144 00:40:49,287 --> 00:40:51,331 - I hate the thunder! - Fuck you, thunder! 1145 00:40:51,373 --> 00:40:53,416 - Yeah, you can suck my dick! 1146 00:40:53,458 --> 00:40:55,001 - Oh, my God, Teddy. 1147 00:40:55,043 --> 00:40:56,252 You thinking what I'm thinking? 1148 00:40:56,294 --> 00:40:57,796 - Get the guitar. 1149 00:40:57,837 --> 00:41:04,969 * * 1150 00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,624 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 1151 00:41:34,666 --> 00:41:39,003 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 1152 00:41:39,045 --> 00:41:42,257 * And yet, alas, that someone adores you * 1153 00:41:42,298 --> 00:41:43,842 * * 1154 00:41:43,883 --> 00:41:47,554 * Everybody needs a best friend * 1155 00:41:47,595 --> 00:41:50,098 * I'm happy I'm yours * 1156 00:41:50,140 --> 00:41:53,601 * I'm just a clown * 1157 00:41:53,643 --> 00:41:57,022 * And I'll bring you down * 1158 00:41:57,063 --> 00:42:03,111 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 1159 00:42:03,153 --> 00:42:05,363 * Best friend is me * 1160 00:42:05,405 --> 00:42:12,370 * *