1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:12,600 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:12,642 --> 00:00:16,354 - * My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy * 3 00:00:16,396 --> 00:00:19,482 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 4 00:00:19,524 --> 00:00:23,194 * Everybody needs a best friend * 5 00:00:23,236 --> 00:00:26,114 * I'm happy I'm yours * 6 00:00:27,741 --> 00:00:31,703 - * Night and party every day * 7 00:00:31,745 --> 00:00:36,041 * I wanna rock and roll all night * 8 00:00:36,082 --> 00:00:38,126 - [coughing] 9 00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:39,836 - Thanks, buddy. 10 00:00:39,878 --> 00:00:42,881 - You know, I used to think the words to this song were, 11 00:00:42,922 --> 00:00:46,718 "I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day." 12 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:48,762 Like--like, they're only going to rock and roll 13 00:00:48,803 --> 00:00:52,140 for, like, a portion of the day and also take time out 14 00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,017 for things like meals and, you know, 15 00:00:54,059 --> 00:00:55,685 time with family and children. 16 00:00:55,727 --> 00:00:57,562 - There's a lot going on with this song, man. 17 00:00:57,604 --> 00:01:00,065 This is a rock and roll song about wanting 18 00:01:00,106 --> 00:01:02,817 to enjoy a rock and roll song. 19 00:01:02,859 --> 00:01:05,070 Does that actually make it a rock and roll song? 20 00:01:05,111 --> 00:01:06,488 - You know what, I'll do you one better. 21 00:01:06,529 --> 00:01:08,073 Ready to get mind fucked? - Give it to me. 22 00:01:08,114 --> 00:01:12,994 - The song the "Monster Mash" is a song about a dance called 23 00:01:13,036 --> 00:01:14,913 the Monster Mash, which is based 24 00:01:14,954 --> 00:01:18,875 on a song called the "Monster Mash," which is not 25 00:01:18,917 --> 00:01:21,252 the song the "Monster Mash." 26 00:01:21,294 --> 00:01:24,255 - Holy shit. - Yeah. 27 00:01:24,297 --> 00:01:25,924 - I don't want to be high anymore. 28 00:01:25,965 --> 00:01:29,469 - Well, kids make all kinds of messes, don't they? 29 00:01:29,511 --> 00:01:32,263 One time when he was eight, John stole 30 00:01:32,305 --> 00:01:34,182 a hot dog from the store. 31 00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:35,517 He put it in his pocket. 32 00:01:35,558 --> 00:01:38,103 And it went through the wash. 33 00:01:38,144 --> 00:01:39,479 [laughing] No. 34 00:01:39,521 --> 00:01:41,773 It came out in one piece. 35 00:01:41,815 --> 00:01:43,692 Isn't that amazing? 36 00:01:43,733 --> 00:01:47,320 Oh, God was smiling on us that day. 37 00:01:47,362 --> 00:01:48,571 [electricity zaps] 38 00:01:50,073 --> 00:01:52,075 - Oh, for Christ's sakes. 39 00:01:52,117 --> 00:01:53,618 Susan! 40 00:01:53,660 --> 00:01:55,161 - Holy shit. 41 00:01:55,203 --> 00:01:56,663 Did we die? 42 00:01:56,705 --> 00:01:58,581 - Yeah, I think-- 43 00:01:58,623 --> 00:02:00,125 I think we died. 44 00:02:00,166 --> 00:02:02,043 - I'm sorry, Matty. 45 00:02:02,085 --> 00:02:03,420 I plugged in the eggbeater. 46 00:02:03,461 --> 00:02:05,005 - Why are you using the eggbeater 47 00:02:05,046 --> 00:02:06,172 when I'm watching "Star Search"? 48 00:02:06,214 --> 00:02:07,799 - I was making us brownies. 49 00:02:07,841 --> 00:02:09,843 - Now I'm not going to know who the new stars are going to be. 50 00:02:09,884 --> 00:02:11,302 - Well, I don't have to finish them. 51 00:02:11,344 --> 00:02:12,846 I'll just throw the batter out. 52 00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:15,015 - Well, if you already started them, 53 00:02:15,056 --> 00:02:16,683 you might as well finish them. 54 00:02:16,725 --> 00:02:18,977 - OK. 55 00:02:19,019 --> 00:02:21,104 - I gotta go reset the breaker. 56 00:02:21,146 --> 00:02:22,981 Out of my way, Johnny. 57 00:02:23,023 --> 00:02:24,399 - Oh, my God. 58 00:02:24,441 --> 00:02:26,860 They can see us. We must still be alive. 59 00:02:26,901 --> 00:02:29,070 - Oh, wow, a second chance. 60 00:02:29,112 --> 00:02:31,614 OK, this time, you be the cute one, and I'll be the hot one. 61 00:02:31,656 --> 00:02:33,199 - OK. 62 00:02:52,218 --> 00:02:53,470 - Breaker is busted. 63 00:02:53,511 --> 00:02:54,804 - Oh, man. Really? 64 00:02:54,846 --> 00:02:56,097 - Matty, is it all right? 65 00:02:56,139 --> 00:02:57,557 - Oh, breaker is shot to hell. 66 00:02:57,599 --> 00:02:58,808 I'll have to call the guy in the morning. 67 00:02:58,850 --> 00:03:01,019 - So we don't have power till tomorrow? 68 00:03:01,061 --> 00:03:02,270 - Yes, Susan. 69 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:03,897 That's what a busted breaker means. 70 00:03:03,938 --> 00:03:06,441 - Well, this isn't so bad. 71 00:03:06,483 --> 00:03:10,153 We could light some candles, play some games, 72 00:03:10,195 --> 00:03:13,281 maybe read aloud to each other from our favorite books. 73 00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,367 - Or we could take a Sharpie and circle 74 00:03:15,408 --> 00:03:16,951 the parts on each other's bodies 75 00:03:16,993 --> 00:03:18,495 we think need improvement. 76 00:03:18,536 --> 00:03:19,537 - [laughs] That sounds more fun. 77 00:03:19,579 --> 00:03:21,039 - Shut up, you guys. 78 00:03:21,081 --> 00:03:22,415 Sus, yes. 79 00:03:22,457 --> 00:03:23,666 That sounds like a great idea. 80 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:25,710 Let's go find the games. - OK. 81 00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:29,214 Be careful, Blaire. 82 00:03:29,255 --> 00:03:31,216 There's a gun down here somewhere. 83 00:03:31,257 --> 00:03:33,051 But I don't remember where it is. 84 00:03:33,093 --> 00:03:34,928 - That's comforting. 85 00:03:34,969 --> 00:03:36,388 - Let's see now. 86 00:03:36,429 --> 00:03:41,142 I think there's a Trivial Pursuit in one of these boxes. 87 00:03:41,184 --> 00:03:42,852 - Why is the floor wet? 88 00:03:42,894 --> 00:03:45,647 - I know, we're supposed to get that fixed. 89 00:03:45,689 --> 00:03:47,857 But I like to come down here during the summer 90 00:03:47,899 --> 00:03:49,776 and cool my feet. 91 00:03:51,903 --> 00:03:55,031 Oh, my gosh. 92 00:03:55,073 --> 00:03:57,575 Oh, sweetie. 93 00:04:02,664 --> 00:04:05,417 - Hey, all right. - Hey, there we go. 94 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:07,919 - Box was working just fine. 95 00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:09,587 - Well, it wasn't when I was down there. 96 00:04:09,629 --> 00:04:11,923 I don't know what to tell you. - It's OK, honey. 97 00:04:11,965 --> 00:04:14,759 We know you were scared of the spider. 98 00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,302 - What the fuck are you talking about? 99 00:04:16,344 --> 00:04:18,263 - There was a spider on the box. 100 00:04:18,304 --> 00:04:20,598 He's always been scared of the spiders. 101 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,434 - Wait, you were just going to fucking let us sit here 102 00:04:22,475 --> 00:04:24,269 and read aloud from books? 103 00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:25,812 - Screw all of you. 104 00:04:25,854 --> 00:04:27,480 - Matty, why? 105 00:04:27,522 --> 00:04:29,733 - I'm not scared of the goddamn spider, Susan. 106 00:04:29,774 --> 00:04:31,609 The breaker wasn't working. 107 00:04:31,651 --> 00:04:33,028 I'm going down to Trammell's. 108 00:04:33,069 --> 00:04:36,614 - And he pulls the fucking ripcord, just like always. 109 00:04:36,656 --> 00:04:38,491 - What the hell is that supposed to mean? 110 00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:40,452 - Any time you're losing an argument, you leave. 111 00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:41,619 You just walk out the door. 112 00:04:41,661 --> 00:04:43,496 - Matty, honey. You can't leave. 113 00:04:43,538 --> 00:04:45,331 You haven't made stool yet today. 114 00:04:45,373 --> 00:04:46,833 - Jesus Christ, Susan. 115 00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:49,044 - Well, the doctor says if it's been more than two days, 116 00:04:49,085 --> 00:04:50,211 you need to call him. 117 00:04:50,253 --> 00:04:52,464 - I did it yesterday. It was a good one. 118 00:04:52,505 --> 00:04:54,924 - Like a mother hen crowing over her egg. 119 00:04:54,966 --> 00:04:56,384 - You all watch this. 120 00:04:56,426 --> 00:04:58,970 When he comes back, everyone's going to apologize to him 121 00:04:59,012 --> 00:05:00,722 because he's manipulating the circumstances to make it 122 00:05:00,764 --> 00:05:02,432 seem like he's the victim. 123 00:05:02,474 --> 00:05:03,933 - I'm sorry. 124 00:05:03,975 --> 00:05:05,185 I shouldn't have told them about the spiders. 125 00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:06,436 - No, see? - I'm so sorry. 126 00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:07,604 - This is what I'm talking about, OK? 127 00:05:07,645 --> 00:05:08,980 He's the one acting like a whining baby. 128 00:05:09,022 --> 00:05:10,398 He should be apologizing to you. 129 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,233 - I shouldn't have embarrassed him, OK? 130 00:05:12,275 --> 00:05:14,486 I think it's cute that you're scared of the spider. 131 00:05:14,527 --> 00:05:16,279 - I'm not scared of spiders! 132 00:05:16,321 --> 00:05:17,822 - God, this is so fucked. 133 00:05:17,864 --> 00:05:20,200 This is just classic dysfunctional, fucked up, 134 00:05:20,241 --> 00:05:21,368 white trash marriage. 135 00:05:21,409 --> 00:05:23,328 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? 136 00:05:23,370 --> 00:05:24,662 - What do you mean, what? 137 00:05:24,704 --> 00:05:25,914 Your wife is trying to engage with you. 138 00:05:25,955 --> 00:05:27,582 And you're dismissing her like an asshole. 139 00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:29,376 And you do it all the time. 140 00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:31,252 - Susan, am I an asshole? 141 00:05:31,294 --> 00:05:33,171 - Oh, of course not, Matty. 142 00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:34,172 You're a veteran. 143 00:05:34,214 --> 00:05:35,590 - See? 144 00:05:35,632 --> 00:05:37,300 You think they'd send an asshole to Vietnam? 145 00:05:37,342 --> 00:05:39,678 - Weren't you dishonorably discharged? 146 00:05:39,719 --> 00:05:42,597 - No, I wasn't dishonorably discharged 147 00:05:42,639 --> 00:05:44,307 or honorably discharged. 148 00:05:44,349 --> 00:05:45,767 - How the hell does that work? 149 00:05:45,809 --> 00:05:47,227 - Just exactly like I just said. 150 00:05:47,268 --> 00:05:49,354 - So the army basically said, it's not you. 151 00:05:49,396 --> 00:05:50,689 It's us. - That's right. 152 00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,148 - We're not sure we're ready to have anybody 153 00:05:52,190 --> 00:05:53,108 in the army right now. 154 00:05:53,149 --> 00:05:54,567 - More or less. 155 00:05:54,609 --> 00:05:56,194 - The army just wants to focus on the army for a while. 156 00:05:56,236 --> 00:05:57,696 - See? He gets it. 157 00:05:57,737 --> 00:05:59,989 - Aunt Sus, he is so fucking disrespectful to you. 158 00:06:00,031 --> 00:06:01,658 And you never stick up for yourself. 159 00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,910 I swear to God, you guys need marriage counseling. 160 00:06:03,952 --> 00:06:05,286 - Oh, fuck that. 161 00:06:05,328 --> 00:06:07,539 - What's the matter? Are you scared of therapy too? 162 00:06:07,580 --> 00:06:09,874 - Oh, shit. - Oh, it's on, fuckers. 163 00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:12,544 - I'm not going to pay some shrink 80 bucks to sit there 164 00:06:12,585 --> 00:06:14,421 and show me inkblots that all look like priests 165 00:06:14,462 --> 00:06:16,089 with their dicks out. 166 00:06:16,131 --> 00:06:20,051 - Well, I think that's already progress. 167 00:06:20,093 --> 00:06:21,219 - Huh? 168 00:06:21,261 --> 00:06:22,846 - Look, I have a proposal. 169 00:06:22,887 --> 00:06:24,431 I've saved up a little money 170 00:06:24,472 --> 00:06:26,182 working extra shifts at the coffee shop. 171 00:06:26,224 --> 00:06:28,643 As my Christmas gift to you and Susan this year, 172 00:06:28,685 --> 00:06:30,812 I will pay for one marriage counseling session. 173 00:06:30,854 --> 00:06:32,272 All you got to do is show up. 174 00:06:32,313 --> 00:06:35,066 - Oh, Matty, can we? 175 00:06:35,108 --> 00:06:37,277 - Jesus, Susan. 176 00:06:37,318 --> 00:06:38,778 What will we even talk about? 177 00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:41,906 - Oh, we can talk about how much we love each other. 178 00:06:44,242 --> 00:06:45,368 - OK. You know what? 179 00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:46,828 Fine. 180 00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:48,747 We'll go, just to show you that you're full of shit, 181 00:06:48,788 --> 00:06:50,790 and Susan and I have a great marriage. 182 00:06:50,832 --> 00:06:52,792 In fact, you know what, let's go right now. 183 00:06:52,834 --> 00:06:55,086 - It's not open at 9:00 p.m. 184 00:06:55,128 --> 00:06:57,088 - Oh. 185 00:06:57,130 --> 00:06:59,632 And the bullshit begins. 186 00:07:05,221 --> 00:07:09,184 [upbeat music] 187 00:07:09,225 --> 00:07:11,686 - Now, of course, the most well-known singularity 188 00:07:11,728 --> 00:07:14,439 in Frost poem is the repetition of, 189 00:07:14,481 --> 00:07:15,982 "And miles to go before I sleep," 190 00:07:16,024 --> 00:07:18,777 which refers not to literal sleep but to death 191 00:07:18,818 --> 00:07:20,403 and the overwhelming-- 192 00:07:20,445 --> 00:07:22,697 [both giggling] 193 00:07:22,739 --> 00:07:24,240 - Is there something you'd like to share 194 00:07:24,282 --> 00:07:25,742 with the class, Miss Lyons? 195 00:07:25,784 --> 00:07:28,953 - We were just wondering if your pants are big enough. 196 00:07:30,288 --> 00:07:31,706 - Excuse me? 197 00:07:31,748 --> 00:07:33,458 - It just seems like there's a little fashion 198 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,043 emergency going on. 199 00:07:35,085 --> 00:07:37,921 Did you get your pants from the lost and found? 200 00:07:40,715 --> 00:07:43,551 - Yeah, these pants are a little big. 201 00:07:43,593 --> 00:07:45,637 They were my dad's. 202 00:07:45,679 --> 00:07:48,306 Why am I wearing my dead father's pants, you ask? 203 00:07:48,348 --> 00:07:51,142 Because I've moved back in with my mother. 204 00:07:51,184 --> 00:07:54,562 My wife left me two weeks ago for a racquetball teacher. 205 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,564 Happy now? - God, chill out. 206 00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:57,899 It was a joke. 207 00:07:57,941 --> 00:08:00,110 - I'd love to chill out, Erin. 208 00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:01,653 I really would. 209 00:08:01,695 --> 00:08:03,947 But you know what, life has other plans for me. 210 00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:06,950 My wife says he makes eye contact 211 00:08:06,991 --> 00:08:08,326 with her when they make love. 212 00:08:08,368 --> 00:08:12,288 With me, it's either eye contact or an erection. 213 00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:13,915 You have to choose one. 214 00:08:13,957 --> 00:08:17,794 And silly me, I thought the right choice was the erection. 215 00:08:17,836 --> 00:08:20,422 Well, I had a 50/50 shot, didn't I? 216 00:08:20,463 --> 00:08:23,299 Turns out she wants eye contact. 217 00:08:23,341 --> 00:08:25,969 And now that I've moved back in with Mother, 218 00:08:26,011 --> 00:08:29,514 I have to masturbate into the toilet because my bed squeaks. 219 00:08:29,556 --> 00:08:31,349 Of course, if you ask my ex-wife, 220 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:35,311 the toilet is where Mr. George's sperm belongs. 221 00:08:35,353 --> 00:08:37,522 Now there's a joke, Erin. 222 00:08:37,564 --> 00:08:39,774 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 223 00:08:39,816 --> 00:08:45,155 - Mr. George, can we have a talk in my office? 224 00:08:48,074 --> 00:08:50,827 - Gee, I wonder what this is about. 225 00:08:52,746 --> 00:08:55,665 Everyone, please read pages 81 to 96. 226 00:08:55,707 --> 00:08:57,959 I'm kidding. I don't give a shit. 227 00:08:59,335 --> 00:09:02,464 - I think that's enough emotional trauma for the day. 228 00:09:02,505 --> 00:09:04,424 Why don't you kids go home early? 229 00:09:04,466 --> 00:09:07,302 [excited chatter] 230 00:09:07,344 --> 00:09:08,887 - Man, that was insane, huh? 231 00:09:08,928 --> 00:09:10,805 - Yeah. Those cheerleaders are mean. 232 00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:13,641 - That's--that's what you got from that? 233 00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:15,060 - Well, at least we got the afternoon off. 234 00:09:15,101 --> 00:09:17,062 - Street hockey? - Street hockey. 235 00:09:17,103 --> 00:09:17,937 - Fuck yeah. 236 00:09:17,979 --> 00:09:19,314 - All right, this is it, baby. 237 00:09:19,356 --> 00:09:21,316 You're going down. - Yeah, fuck you, Bobby Orr. 238 00:09:21,358 --> 00:09:23,485 Take your best shot. 239 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:25,028 Oh! 240 00:09:25,070 --> 00:09:27,364 And Bennett chokes in the final seconds of the game. 241 00:09:27,405 --> 00:09:29,240 This is an absolute disgrace. 242 00:09:29,282 --> 00:09:30,367 - Ah, shit. 243 00:09:30,408 --> 00:09:31,910 - Look at the disappointed faces on all 244 00:09:31,951 --> 00:09:34,162 these Make-A-Wish kids who only wanted 245 00:09:34,204 --> 00:09:35,538 to see a Bruins victory. 246 00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:36,748 - Teddy-- 247 00:09:36,790 --> 00:09:38,208 - This is a stunning upset fueling 248 00:09:38,249 --> 00:09:40,585 an anger the fans will no doubt take out on their wives. 249 00:09:40,627 --> 00:09:42,587 And I got to say, Don-- - Shut the fuck up, all right? 250 00:09:42,629 --> 00:09:45,507 I got to ask you something. - What? 251 00:09:45,548 --> 00:09:47,717 - Do you think Blaire is right? 252 00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,928 Like, do my parents have a fucked up marriage? 253 00:09:49,969 --> 00:09:52,472 - Well, that's one of those tough to answer questions, 254 00:09:52,514 --> 00:09:55,892 Johnny, like where did you find Teddy bear sized hockey gear? 255 00:09:55,934 --> 00:09:57,143 I just don't know. 256 00:09:57,185 --> 00:09:58,937 - And if they are having problems, 257 00:09:58,978 --> 00:10:00,563 is any of it my fault? 258 00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:01,815 I mean, what can I do? 259 00:10:01,856 --> 00:10:03,274 - Well, I'm just brainstorming. 260 00:10:03,316 --> 00:10:05,318 But it seems like, maybe, hurting yourself 261 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,444 could teach him a lesson. 262 00:10:06,486 --> 00:10:08,279 - Gee, I never thought of that. 263 00:10:08,321 --> 00:10:09,781 Then I'd be in charge of the pain. 264 00:10:09,823 --> 00:10:11,950 - Exactly. - Only I know what I deserve. 265 00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:13,785 And I'd give myself just that much. 266 00:10:13,827 --> 00:10:15,370 - Yeah, you know, I'm just now starting 267 00:10:15,412 --> 00:10:16,746 to see some cracks in this. 268 00:10:25,922 --> 00:10:27,799 - Hey, how'd it go? 269 00:10:32,137 --> 00:10:34,139 - I paid 80 bucks for that session, 270 00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:35,724 and you just fucking walked out? 271 00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,767 - That quack had it in for me the second I 272 00:10:37,809 --> 00:10:39,102 walked in that door. 273 00:10:39,144 --> 00:10:40,520 You know what he said? You know what he said? 274 00:10:40,562 --> 00:10:41,646 He said I'm selfish. 275 00:10:41,688 --> 00:10:42,897 - Oh, shocker. 276 00:10:42,939 --> 00:10:44,315 - Yeah, he said, I need to compromise more. 277 00:10:44,357 --> 00:10:46,067 Can you believe that fucking shit? 278 00:10:46,109 --> 00:10:49,362 I'm working a 60-hour week just to keep a roof over our heads. 279 00:10:49,404 --> 00:10:51,239 - He does work a lot. 280 00:10:51,281 --> 00:10:52,907 - See? Even she gets it. 281 00:10:52,949 --> 00:10:55,160 Everything I do, I do it for you. 282 00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:57,120 - Wait, so you're saying, you can't tell me 283 00:10:57,162 --> 00:10:58,955 it's not worth trying for. 284 00:10:58,997 --> 00:11:00,832 - Exactly. - Like, I can't help it. 285 00:11:00,874 --> 00:11:03,001 There's nothing I want more. - See? 286 00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,294 You know it's true. 287 00:11:04,335 --> 00:11:05,378 - Oh, my God. 288 00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:06,671 - Shit, I can't believe he said it. 289 00:11:06,713 --> 00:11:07,714 - Oh, fucking amazing. 290 00:11:07,756 --> 00:11:08,882 - What? 291 00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:10,216 - It's Bryan Adams. 292 00:11:10,258 --> 00:11:12,093 Oh, what a treat. What a treat. 293 00:11:12,135 --> 00:11:14,054 - Matty, the whole point of this was 294 00:11:14,095 --> 00:11:16,348 for you to get a neutral perspective on your marriage. 295 00:11:16,389 --> 00:11:17,766 - He was not neutral. 296 00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,017 He agreed with everything she said. 297 00:11:19,059 --> 00:11:20,477 And he took a shit on everything I said. 298 00:11:20,518 --> 00:11:22,062 - So let me get this straight. 299 00:11:22,103 --> 00:11:24,189 So no one's neutral unless they agree with you all the time. 300 00:11:24,230 --> 00:11:25,231 Got it. 301 00:11:25,273 --> 00:11:26,858 - The guy's a Harvard fancy pants. 302 00:11:26,900 --> 00:11:29,277 He doesn't understand regular guys. 303 00:11:29,319 --> 00:11:31,446 The bartender down at Trammell's always 304 00:11:31,488 --> 00:11:32,739 thinks I'm right. 305 00:11:32,781 --> 00:11:34,532 In fact, he just said to me last night, 306 00:11:34,574 --> 00:11:36,785 "You've made your point. You can go home now." 307 00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:39,037 - OK. So let's figure this out. 308 00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:42,332 If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral, then who would be? 309 00:11:42,374 --> 00:11:44,876 Who would you accept as a neutral arbiter? 310 00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:47,212 - Someone with no fucking agenda. 311 00:11:49,297 --> 00:11:51,383 Like Ted. 312 00:11:51,424 --> 00:11:52,717 - Ted? 313 00:11:52,759 --> 00:11:55,261 - Yeah, he's an even guy, minds his own business. 314 00:11:55,303 --> 00:11:56,763 He's neutral. 315 00:11:56,805 --> 00:11:59,557 - That's an interesting idea. 316 00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:01,726 So you'd accept Ted as a neutral arbiter? 317 00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:02,977 - Absolutely. 318 00:12:03,019 --> 00:12:05,480 - Fuck it. What do you say, Ted? 319 00:12:05,522 --> 00:12:06,856 - About what? 320 00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:08,608 Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs. 321 00:12:08,650 --> 00:12:12,737 Four score and seven cocks ago. - [laughs] 322 00:12:12,779 --> 00:12:14,072 - That's better than the real one. 323 00:12:14,114 --> 00:12:15,573 - Focus. 324 00:12:15,615 --> 00:12:17,909 Would you be willing to listen to Susan and Matty's sides 325 00:12:17,951 --> 00:12:19,828 and then make an objective judgment call? 326 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,913 - What do you mean, like a--like a therapist? 327 00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:24,874 - Not therapy, just listening. 328 00:12:24,916 --> 00:12:26,126 - Oh, Blaire. 329 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:28,503 It's all right if he doesn't want to. 330 00:12:28,545 --> 00:12:30,046 I can just watch "Oprah." 331 00:12:30,088 --> 00:12:32,799 And maybe they'll have a topic that applies to me. 332 00:12:35,468 --> 00:12:36,594 - Will you do it? 333 00:12:36,636 --> 00:12:39,305 - Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln, 334 00:12:39,347 --> 00:12:43,101 a diarrhea divided against itself cannot John's wiener. 335 00:12:43,143 --> 00:12:44,853 - Oh, come on, man. Don't put that. 336 00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:46,896 - OK. I'll erase it. 337 00:12:50,316 --> 00:12:52,777 - You know, the suit wasn't necessary. 338 00:12:52,819 --> 00:12:53,945 - Blaire, please. 339 00:12:53,987 --> 00:12:55,447 Johnny is my best friend. 340 00:12:55,488 --> 00:12:56,906 He's got a stake in this. 341 00:12:56,948 --> 00:12:58,116 So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right. 342 00:12:58,158 --> 00:13:00,702 Now let's start with the basics. 343 00:13:00,744 --> 00:13:02,495 Would you classify your marriage 344 00:13:02,537 --> 00:13:04,205 as sexually satisfying? 345 00:13:04,247 --> 00:13:05,498 - What? 346 00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,375 - How often would you say you have intercourse? 347 00:13:07,417 --> 00:13:08,877 - That's none of your goddamn business. 348 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,503 - Look, why don't we just stick-- 349 00:13:10,545 --> 00:13:14,674 - Every six months. - Every six months. 350 00:13:14,716 --> 00:13:15,842 And what about anal? 351 00:13:15,884 --> 00:13:17,302 - Dude, seriously. - Jesus Christ. 352 00:13:17,344 --> 00:13:19,346 - We do like the room to be clean. 353 00:13:19,387 --> 00:13:20,722 Yeah. 354 00:13:20,764 --> 00:13:22,223 - She said, yes. 355 00:13:22,265 --> 00:13:23,391 Hilarious. 356 00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:25,393 OK, now I want you to turn to each other 357 00:13:25,435 --> 00:13:27,604 and say the meanest thing you can think of. 358 00:13:27,645 --> 00:13:29,981 - Ted, why don't you ask them something 359 00:13:30,023 --> 00:13:33,151 productive like how they met, 360 00:13:33,193 --> 00:13:35,612 what originally drew them to each other? 361 00:13:35,653 --> 00:13:37,322 - All right. 362 00:13:37,364 --> 00:13:40,533 Matty, what originally attracted you to Susan? 363 00:13:43,703 --> 00:13:45,955 - Her innocence. 364 00:13:45,997 --> 00:13:48,500 - Oh, OK. 365 00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:49,542 - What? 366 00:13:49,584 --> 00:13:51,503 - I thought-- 367 00:13:51,544 --> 00:13:53,838 I already wrote it's-- 368 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:54,923 it's fine. 369 00:13:54,964 --> 00:13:56,675 Susan. 370 00:13:56,716 --> 00:13:57,842 - His heart. 371 00:13:57,884 --> 00:13:59,344 - His heart. 372 00:13:59,386 --> 00:14:02,389 - When Matty and I first met, 373 00:14:02,430 --> 00:14:05,850 he bought us tickets to see Simon & Garfunkel. 374 00:14:05,892 --> 00:14:07,435 It was a Friday. 375 00:14:07,477 --> 00:14:09,854 And he'd been working since 6:00 a.m. 376 00:14:09,896 --> 00:14:11,898 Poor Matty was so tired. 377 00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:13,983 - Well, if there's any cure for being tired, 378 00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:15,193 it's Simon & Garfunkel. 379 00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:17,362 - We'd never seen them up close. 380 00:14:17,404 --> 00:14:20,156 So when we got there, Matty realized 381 00:14:20,198 --> 00:14:22,158 that Garfunkel was a man. 382 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,577 So we had to leave. - Wait, why? 383 00:14:24,619 --> 00:14:26,913 - Two men shouldn't be singing harmony. 384 00:14:26,955 --> 00:14:28,748 - Dad, I thought you liked Hall & Oates? 385 00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:30,375 - That's different. - Why? 386 00:14:30,417 --> 00:14:31,793 - Because they sing in unison. 387 00:14:31,835 --> 00:14:33,795 Or they take turns, one and then the other one. 388 00:14:33,837 --> 00:14:35,005 That's OK. 389 00:14:35,046 --> 00:14:36,881 - What about Crosby, Stills & Nash? 390 00:14:36,923 --> 00:14:38,216 - They're all right for now. 391 00:14:38,258 --> 00:14:40,552 But I'm keeping my eye on them. 392 00:14:40,593 --> 00:14:42,220 You're a complicated man. 393 00:14:42,262 --> 00:14:44,347 - I'm still waiting for the heart part. 394 00:14:44,389 --> 00:14:46,850 - Well, we got in the car. 395 00:14:46,891 --> 00:14:50,103 And Matty drove home, and he got his record player. 396 00:14:50,145 --> 00:14:52,230 And he took me to Boston Common. 397 00:14:52,272 --> 00:14:55,191 And we had a picnic on the lawn while we 398 00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:57,152 listened to Sonny & Cher. 399 00:14:57,193 --> 00:14:59,404 And he bought me a rose. 400 00:14:59,446 --> 00:15:03,199 And he danced with me right there on the grass. 401 00:15:03,241 --> 00:15:05,118 You remember that? - Of course I do. 402 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,954 - Matty, you did that? 403 00:15:07,996 --> 00:15:08,997 - Yeah. 404 00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:10,665 It was beautiful. 405 00:15:10,707 --> 00:15:13,084 She was this wicked smart college girl. 406 00:15:13,126 --> 00:15:15,754 And I wanted to impress her. 407 00:15:15,795 --> 00:15:17,505 See? I'm a good guy. 408 00:15:17,547 --> 00:15:19,215 That prick fuck shrink was way off. 409 00:15:19,257 --> 00:15:20,592 So fuck everybody. 410 00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:22,260 - Mom, I didn't know you went to college. 411 00:15:22,302 --> 00:15:23,887 - Yeah, me neither. 412 00:15:23,928 --> 00:15:25,055 What did you study? 413 00:15:25,096 --> 00:15:27,932 - Well, I was going to teach. 414 00:15:27,974 --> 00:15:29,768 - You were going to be a teacher? 415 00:15:29,809 --> 00:15:31,269 Susan, that's amazing. 416 00:15:31,311 --> 00:15:32,687 - I'd gotten my credentials. 417 00:15:32,729 --> 00:15:35,857 And I was all ready to apply for a job. 418 00:15:35,899 --> 00:15:38,651 And then I got married. 419 00:15:38,693 --> 00:15:40,570 - Why couldn't you do both? 420 00:15:40,612 --> 00:15:43,031 - Well, it just didn't seem practical 421 00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:46,534 with the groceries and the laundry. 422 00:15:46,576 --> 00:15:48,119 - Well, I mean, have you ever thought of going back to it? 423 00:15:48,161 --> 00:15:49,788 I think you'd be great. 424 00:15:49,829 --> 00:15:51,581 - Oh, no, no. 425 00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:54,042 That was a long time ago. No, I couldn't. 426 00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:56,628 - Susan, I really think you could do this. 427 00:15:56,669 --> 00:15:58,672 - Jesus! She said she's not interested. 428 00:15:58,713 --> 00:16:00,382 - Should I make some chocolate milk? 429 00:16:00,423 --> 00:16:01,424 - Oh, yeah. Chocolate milk. 430 00:16:01,466 --> 00:16:03,301 - Chocolate milk. - No, Susan. 431 00:16:03,343 --> 00:16:04,803 For God's sake. - Therapy over. 432 00:16:04,844 --> 00:16:05,887 We're doing chocolate milk now. 433 00:16:05,929 --> 00:16:07,430 - Guys, come on. 434 00:16:07,472 --> 00:16:09,474 This woman does everything for all of us in this house. 435 00:16:09,516 --> 00:16:11,434 And nobody ever does a goddamn thing for her. 436 00:16:11,476 --> 00:16:13,019 And now she's sitting here telling us 437 00:16:13,061 --> 00:16:14,229 something that's important. 438 00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:15,689 - That's horse shit. I do a ton of stuff. 439 00:16:15,730 --> 00:16:16,981 - You? 440 00:16:17,023 --> 00:16:18,358 What do you do for Susan? 441 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,027 - I pay for everything she owns and eats. 442 00:16:21,069 --> 00:16:22,570 - OK, how about we all just sit with what 443 00:16:22,612 --> 00:16:25,073 Matty just said, while Susan gets on that chocolate milk? 444 00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:27,325 - I'll get that for you. 445 00:16:28,827 --> 00:16:30,912 - Well, I think I just proved my point 446 00:16:30,954 --> 00:16:32,706 that this marriage is perfect. 447 00:16:34,708 --> 00:16:37,001 - Yeesh, I couldn't say this in front of them. 448 00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:39,003 But they were both clearly molested. 449 00:16:39,045 --> 00:16:40,964 - Guys, believe it or not, 450 00:16:41,006 --> 00:16:42,632 I think we did great. 451 00:16:42,674 --> 00:16:44,217 - Really? - Yeah. 452 00:16:44,259 --> 00:16:47,637 We just found out Susan has no identity outside this family. 453 00:16:47,679 --> 00:16:49,681 I mean, she's a wife. She's a mother. 454 00:16:49,723 --> 00:16:50,932 But that's it. 455 00:16:50,974 --> 00:16:52,517 She could be so much more. 456 00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:54,853 And it's so obvious that deep down, she wants to be. 457 00:16:54,894 --> 00:16:57,522 - You got all that from her saying she does anal? 458 00:16:57,564 --> 00:16:59,399 Man, you should be the pretend therapist. 459 00:16:59,441 --> 00:17:00,817 - I mean, I hear you, Blaire. 460 00:17:00,859 --> 00:17:03,111 But what are we supposed to do? 461 00:17:03,153 --> 00:17:04,571 - I don't know yet. 462 00:17:04,612 --> 00:17:07,323 But somehow, we got to help her find her voice. 463 00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:08,867 I mean, we're the only ones that can do it. 464 00:17:08,908 --> 00:17:10,201 - Couldn't agree more, Blaire. 465 00:17:10,243 --> 00:17:12,746 Delusional narcissist. 466 00:17:12,787 --> 00:17:14,247 - Excuse me? 467 00:17:14,289 --> 00:17:17,333 - Note to self, stop saying what you write. 468 00:17:21,755 --> 00:17:24,716 [upbeat music] 469 00:17:24,758 --> 00:17:31,681 * * 470 00:17:32,432 --> 00:17:34,559 - God, look at her. 471 00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:36,353 She's so fucking hot. - Yeah. 472 00:17:36,394 --> 00:17:37,687 Too bad she's a bitch. 473 00:17:37,729 --> 00:17:39,272 - I don't even care. 474 00:17:39,314 --> 00:17:41,149 She could treat me like crap. I'd still let her jerk me off. 475 00:17:41,191 --> 00:17:42,734 - Oh, you should tell her, Johnny. 476 00:17:42,776 --> 00:17:44,569 I'm sure she'd love to hear it. - All right, fuck you, man. 477 00:17:44,611 --> 00:17:46,821 - No, really, what a feather in her cap. 478 00:17:46,863 --> 00:17:48,740 - Hey, I'm just saying, hypothetically, if she asked, 479 00:17:48,782 --> 00:17:50,116 I would say yes. 480 00:17:50,158 --> 00:17:51,576 - That's what she's telling her friend right now. 481 00:17:51,618 --> 00:17:54,162 She's saying, see that kid over there in Lee jeans? 482 00:17:54,204 --> 00:17:56,373 I want to bring him to climax. 483 00:17:56,414 --> 00:17:58,083 But will he let me? 484 00:17:58,124 --> 00:17:59,376 - Hey, guys. 485 00:17:59,417 --> 00:18:01,503 - Oh, hey, Andrew. Hey, Polly. 486 00:18:01,544 --> 00:18:02,629 - Did you hear what happened to Mr. George? 487 00:18:02,670 --> 00:18:04,798 - No, what? - He got fired. 488 00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:06,341 - No shit. Why? 489 00:18:06,383 --> 00:18:07,842 - They caught him in the faculty lounge 490 00:18:07,884 --> 00:18:09,260 screaming at his own dick. 491 00:18:09,302 --> 00:18:10,929 - Oh, that's what that was. 492 00:18:10,970 --> 00:18:13,264 Yeah, I heard yelling coming out of there yesterday. 493 00:18:13,306 --> 00:18:15,308 - You're not going to let me fuck? 494 00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:18,436 I'm not going to let you pee! 495 00:18:18,478 --> 00:18:20,814 - Well, do they have someone to replace him? 496 00:18:20,855 --> 00:18:21,940 - I don't know. 497 00:18:21,981 --> 00:18:24,109 I think they're trying to find a sub. 498 00:18:24,150 --> 00:18:25,902 - Teddy. - What? 499 00:18:25,944 --> 00:18:28,363 - They're looking for a sub. - Yeah, so? 500 00:18:28,405 --> 00:18:29,948 - So what about Mom? 501 00:18:29,989 --> 00:18:31,157 - Susan? 502 00:18:31,199 --> 00:18:33,243 - Yeah. Why not? 503 00:18:33,284 --> 00:18:34,452 I mean, you remember what Blaire said, 504 00:18:34,494 --> 00:18:36,121 no one ever does anything for her. 505 00:18:36,162 --> 00:18:37,539 - I mean, yeah. 506 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:39,791 But you really want your mother teaching your class? 507 00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:41,584 I mean, you remember what happened to Todd Greene? 508 00:18:41,626 --> 00:18:43,461 He yelled goodbye to his mother. 509 00:18:43,503 --> 00:18:45,714 And now he's got to eat lunch with the janitor. 510 00:18:45,755 --> 00:18:47,090 - I don't care. 511 00:18:47,132 --> 00:18:48,341 - People are shitting in his desk. 512 00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:49,592 - Look, Teddy. We got to at least try. 513 00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:51,177 Let's go talk to the principal. 514 00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,057 - Well, I have to admit, 515 00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:58,643 we're in a bit of a bind here. 516 00:18:58,685 --> 00:19:01,896 Does Mrs. Bennett have any prior teaching experience? 517 00:19:01,938 --> 00:19:05,066 - Well, no, but she's got all her credentials. 518 00:19:05,108 --> 00:19:06,317 - I see. 519 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:07,485 - Oh, she's the one who taught me how 520 00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:08,862 to use the bathroom by myself. 521 00:19:08,903 --> 00:19:10,405 - Yeah, last August, right? 522 00:19:10,447 --> 00:19:11,489 - Oh, shut up, man. 523 00:19:11,531 --> 00:19:12,657 Fuck you. - All right, man. 524 00:19:12,699 --> 00:19:14,159 - What's that? - I don't fucking know. 525 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,618 - Do you know if your mother would 526 00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:17,328 be willing to take this on for what 527 00:19:17,370 --> 00:19:18,997 may be an indefinite period? 528 00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:21,666 - I mean, she has always wanted to be a teacher. 529 00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:23,334 She just couldn't because she had to do laundry. 530 00:19:23,376 --> 00:19:24,544 - There's a lot of laundry so-- 531 00:19:24,586 --> 00:19:26,671 - I know she'd do a wicked good job. 532 00:19:26,713 --> 00:19:28,131 - OK, listen. How about this? 533 00:19:28,173 --> 00:19:29,507 You hire her. 534 00:19:29,549 --> 00:19:31,843 And the next time there's an anti-drug assembly, 535 00:19:31,885 --> 00:19:35,805 and they ask for questions, I will ask a question. 536 00:19:35,847 --> 00:19:37,223 - Teddy, don't. What, are you crazy? 537 00:19:37,265 --> 00:19:38,433 - Quiet, John, quiet. 538 00:19:38,475 --> 00:19:41,978 I will ask a question of the speaker. 539 00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:45,690 - No one has ever asked a question at assembly. 540 00:19:45,732 --> 00:19:47,525 - I will ask one. 541 00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:49,444 - A real question? - Yes. 542 00:19:49,486 --> 00:19:51,905 Not like a, can we see your nipple, kind of question, 543 00:19:51,946 --> 00:19:53,198 like, a real one. 544 00:19:53,239 --> 00:19:55,241 - Like, how can I help ensure 545 00:19:55,283 --> 00:19:57,035 my school remains drug-free? 546 00:19:57,077 --> 00:20:01,373 - Like, who should I tell if I suspect a peer is on drugs? 547 00:20:01,414 --> 00:20:03,458 - Good God. - Teddy, no, no. 548 00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,501 - Shut up, John. - It's not worth it. 549 00:20:04,542 --> 00:20:06,294 - Shut up. This is for Susan! 550 00:20:07,379 --> 00:20:08,713 - You have your deal. 551 00:20:08,755 --> 00:20:10,924 And may God have mercy on your soul. 552 00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:13,593 Now get out of this office before I kick your ass myself. 553 00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:15,178 - Yes, ma'am, thank you. - Thank you, thank you so much. 554 00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:16,763 - Thank you. 555 00:20:18,431 --> 00:20:20,600 - God, I love this job. 556 00:20:25,146 --> 00:20:30,276 both: * And that's the monster mash * 557 00:20:31,778 --> 00:20:33,113 - What do you think? Is it a hit? 558 00:20:33,154 --> 00:20:34,864 - I just told you. 559 00:20:34,906 --> 00:20:36,741 There's already a song called the "Monster Mash." 560 00:20:36,783 --> 00:20:37,992 - Oh, no, Blaire. Jesus Christ. 561 00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:39,536 Look at the diagram again. 562 00:20:39,577 --> 00:20:42,831 So this song the "Monster Mash" was inspired by this dance 563 00:20:42,872 --> 00:20:44,249 the Monster Mash. 564 00:20:44,290 --> 00:20:45,792 But the song the "Monster Mash," 565 00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:48,503 which is about the dance the Monster Mash, 566 00:20:48,545 --> 00:20:51,631 which was inspired by the song the "Monster Mash" 567 00:20:51,673 --> 00:20:54,426 is not the song the "Monster Mash," all right? 568 00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:56,970 That song does not exist in our universe. 569 00:20:57,012 --> 00:21:00,265 - Ever since 1962, we have been living in the outer circle. 570 00:21:00,306 --> 00:21:01,683 And we don't even know it. 571 00:21:01,725 --> 00:21:04,269 Teddy and I have written the song the "Monster Mash"-- 572 00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:07,063 - Which will take our reality to the innermost circle 573 00:21:07,105 --> 00:21:09,524 for the first time in the history of the cosmos. 574 00:21:09,566 --> 00:21:11,860 - All we need is $2,000 for studio time. 575 00:21:11,901 --> 00:21:13,737 - I'll save you the time right now. 576 00:21:13,778 --> 00:21:16,281 Nobody in 1993 is going to give a shit about a song 577 00:21:16,322 --> 00:21:17,282 called the "Monster Mash." 578 00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:18,616 - Why not? 579 00:21:18,658 --> 00:21:20,035 - Because all the good music now 580 00:21:20,076 --> 00:21:22,662 is about shit that matters, people with real stories. 581 00:21:22,704 --> 00:21:24,330 I mean, don't you guys listen to hip-hop? 582 00:21:24,372 --> 00:21:25,874 - OK, OK, how about this? 583 00:21:25,915 --> 00:21:29,169 both: * And that's the monster mash * 584 00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:31,421 - * It's hard being Black * 585 00:21:31,463 --> 00:21:32,922 - John. 586 00:21:32,964 --> 00:21:34,090 - Hey, Mom. 587 00:21:34,132 --> 00:21:36,259 - I just got a call from the principal. 588 00:21:36,301 --> 00:21:37,927 - Really? 589 00:21:37,969 --> 00:21:41,139 - They want me to take over for Mr. George. 590 00:21:41,181 --> 00:21:42,140 - They do? 591 00:21:42,182 --> 00:21:43,600 - Yeah. 592 00:21:43,641 --> 00:21:46,144 And, John, they said it was your idea. 593 00:21:46,186 --> 00:21:47,979 Is that true? 594 00:21:48,021 --> 00:21:49,147 - Are you mad? 595 00:21:49,189 --> 00:21:51,316 - No, no. 596 00:21:51,358 --> 00:21:53,693 I'm just overwhelmed. 597 00:21:53,735 --> 00:21:55,195 - Well, you're going to do it, right? 598 00:21:55,236 --> 00:21:57,405 - Well, I don't know. 599 00:21:57,447 --> 00:21:58,698 - Oh, my God. 600 00:21:58,740 --> 00:22:00,909 You have to say yes. This is your chance. 601 00:22:00,950 --> 00:22:03,495 - Well, if I'm working, then who's going to let the mailman 602 00:22:03,536 --> 00:22:05,163 in to use the bathroom? 603 00:22:05,205 --> 00:22:06,581 - Listen to me. 604 00:22:06,623 --> 00:22:10,543 This is about you doing something for yourself. 605 00:22:10,585 --> 00:22:11,961 - Well, if it's what you want. 606 00:22:12,003 --> 00:22:14,547 - No, Jesus. It's not about me. 607 00:22:14,589 --> 00:22:16,257 It's about what you want. 608 00:22:16,299 --> 00:22:18,134 This was your dream. I mean, come on. 609 00:22:18,176 --> 00:22:20,845 You got to give yourself a chance to see it through. 610 00:22:20,887 --> 00:22:23,682 - You're not embarrassed to have your mother 611 00:22:23,723 --> 00:22:25,141 teaching your class? 612 00:22:25,183 --> 00:22:27,227 - I already walk around school with my Teddy bear. 613 00:22:27,268 --> 00:22:28,520 I think I'll be fine. 614 00:22:28,561 --> 00:22:31,064 - Oh, John. 615 00:22:31,940 --> 00:22:33,775 Thank you. - OK, oh, God. 616 00:22:33,817 --> 00:22:36,820 Oh, Jesus, Ma. - Thank you so much. 617 00:22:36,861 --> 00:22:41,533 Oh, I'm so excited. I'm all flushed. 618 00:22:41,574 --> 00:22:44,494 I'm going to go stand in the basement water. 619 00:22:46,705 --> 00:22:50,083 - John, you did that for her? 620 00:22:50,125 --> 00:22:52,210 - Well, yeah. 621 00:22:52,252 --> 00:22:54,796 You know, you said nobody ever does anything for her so-- 622 00:22:54,838 --> 00:22:56,923 - Yeah, you know, we're not all about smoking weed 623 00:22:56,965 --> 00:22:59,300 and scouring the beaches of the world 624 00:22:59,342 --> 00:23:00,760 looking for the perfect wave. 625 00:23:00,802 --> 00:23:02,095 We care. 626 00:23:02,137 --> 00:23:04,556 - It's increasingly possible that the two of you 627 00:23:04,597 --> 00:23:07,392 might not be total fuck-ups. 628 00:23:07,434 --> 00:23:08,893 [electricity buzzes] 629 00:23:08,935 --> 00:23:10,311 - I'm OK! 630 00:23:10,353 --> 00:23:11,604 I'm OK. 631 00:23:11,646 --> 00:23:13,231 - Susan, get out of the basement! 632 00:23:13,273 --> 00:23:15,608 I'm watching TV. 633 00:23:15,650 --> 00:23:17,193 [upbeat music] 634 00:23:17,235 --> 00:23:19,404 [school bell rings] 635 00:23:19,446 --> 00:23:26,619 * * 636 00:23:31,916 --> 00:23:33,877 - [sighs] 637 00:23:40,842 --> 00:23:43,887 Good morning, everyone. 638 00:23:43,928 --> 00:23:45,096 Hi. 639 00:23:45,138 --> 00:23:47,682 I'm your substitute teacher, Mrs. Bennett. 640 00:23:47,724 --> 00:23:49,434 - Fuck yeah. Great start. 641 00:23:49,476 --> 00:23:52,771 - [laughs] I'm a little new at this. 642 00:23:52,812 --> 00:23:55,607 So I hope you'll be patient with me. 643 00:23:55,648 --> 00:23:58,193 I was told you're studying American poets 644 00:23:58,234 --> 00:24:00,070 of the early 20th century. 645 00:24:00,111 --> 00:24:01,613 Is that right? 646 00:24:05,075 --> 00:24:06,576 - Yeah, yeah. That's right. 647 00:24:06,618 --> 00:24:07,619 - OK. 648 00:24:07,660 --> 00:24:08,953 Now let's see. 649 00:24:08,995 --> 00:24:13,541 It looks like Mr. George left off with T.S. Eliot. 650 00:24:13,583 --> 00:24:15,877 Yeah? 651 00:24:15,919 --> 00:24:20,256 OK, well, you know, I have a very special place 652 00:24:20,298 --> 00:24:22,509 in my heart for T.S. Eliot. 653 00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:25,970 He wrote those wonderful poems about cats. 654 00:24:26,012 --> 00:24:28,640 And when I was a little girl, whenever I'd get sick 655 00:24:28,682 --> 00:24:30,850 and I'd stay home in bed, 656 00:24:30,892 --> 00:24:32,644 my mother would read me those poems. 657 00:24:32,686 --> 00:24:34,562 They always made me feel better. 658 00:24:34,604 --> 00:24:37,482 [laughter] 659 00:24:37,524 --> 00:24:39,651 Did I say something funny? 660 00:24:39,693 --> 00:24:42,987 - You're saying you're a cat lady? 661 00:24:43,029 --> 00:24:44,739 - Yes, yes. 662 00:24:44,781 --> 00:24:46,866 I guess I am a cat lady. 663 00:24:46,908 --> 00:24:49,119 - Well, that explains the blouse. 664 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:50,995 - The blouse? 665 00:24:51,037 --> 00:24:52,288 Does it look OK? 666 00:24:52,330 --> 00:24:53,790 - Yeah, it looks great. 667 00:24:53,832 --> 00:24:56,000 Actually, my grandma has curtains in her bathroom. 668 00:24:56,042 --> 00:24:57,877 And I think that they might be the same pattern. 669 00:24:57,919 --> 00:25:00,839 - Oh, what a funny coincidence. 670 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,340 - Leave her alone, Erin. - Yeah. 671 00:25:02,382 --> 00:25:03,800 Some of us are here to learn. 672 00:25:03,842 --> 00:25:06,136 - Aren't you the guy who asked the question at assembly? 673 00:25:06,177 --> 00:25:07,846 - A lot of people wanted to know about the long-term 674 00:25:07,887 --> 00:25:09,264 side effects of drugs. 675 00:25:09,305 --> 00:25:12,058 - Mrs. Bennett, did you pick out the blouse yourself? 676 00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:13,727 - Yeah. 677 00:25:14,853 --> 00:25:18,023 "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats." 678 00:25:18,064 --> 00:25:20,358 - Did you pick out the skirt yourself too? 679 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:21,609 - I did. 680 00:25:21,651 --> 00:25:22,944 Is there something wrong with my skirt? 681 00:25:22,986 --> 00:25:25,363 - I mean, not unless you're someone who thinks 682 00:25:25,405 --> 00:25:28,283 Marshalls is too pricey. 683 00:25:28,324 --> 00:25:30,035 - Hey, Erin. 684 00:25:30,076 --> 00:25:31,453 Hi. Ted. 685 00:25:31,494 --> 00:25:33,413 We've never officially talked. But I know your work. 686 00:25:33,455 --> 00:25:35,623 Listen, I think Susan's doing a terrific job. 687 00:25:35,665 --> 00:25:37,000 So I figured this is a good time 688 00:25:37,042 --> 00:25:38,710 to tell you, we all know about the nose job 689 00:25:38,752 --> 00:25:39,711 you had last year. 690 00:25:39,753 --> 00:25:41,046 You didn't fool anybody. 691 00:25:41,087 --> 00:25:42,630 Because we all remember before the surgery 692 00:25:42,672 --> 00:25:44,424 when you tried to kiss Danny Santucci, 693 00:25:44,466 --> 00:25:45,925 and you poked his eye out. 694 00:25:45,967 --> 00:25:48,011 Also, and everybody in town knows this except you. 695 00:25:48,053 --> 00:25:50,597 Your dad is really your uncle, which may have subconsciously 696 00:25:50,638 --> 00:25:52,891 fucked you up and caused you eating disorder, which is also 697 00:25:52,932 --> 00:25:54,351 no secret because everybody's heard you 698 00:25:54,392 --> 00:25:55,560 throwing up in the bathroom. 699 00:25:55,602 --> 00:25:56,895 And also, I recently found out you're 700 00:25:56,936 --> 00:25:58,480 a virgin, which is interesting, because you've 701 00:25:58,521 --> 00:25:59,814 been lying about that too. 702 00:25:59,856 --> 00:26:01,816 So I hope you do give your boyfriend fellatio 703 00:26:01,858 --> 00:26:03,068 because at least then there's something 704 00:26:03,109 --> 00:26:04,527 going down your throat besides your finger. 705 00:26:04,569 --> 00:26:06,029 That about cover it? 706 00:26:11,701 --> 00:26:13,953 - Jesus Christ, Teddy. 707 00:26:13,995 --> 00:26:15,080 - Sorry. 708 00:26:15,121 --> 00:26:16,748 We don't do enough for Susan at home. 709 00:26:16,790 --> 00:26:18,875 So I felt obligated to say those things. 710 00:26:23,797 --> 00:26:26,299 - [sobbing] 711 00:26:27,967 --> 00:26:30,220 - Well, go ahead, Susan. 712 00:26:30,261 --> 00:26:33,264 - Well, go ahead and read 713 00:26:33,306 --> 00:26:35,725 "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." 714 00:26:35,767 --> 00:26:37,769 I'll be right back. 715 00:26:38,770 --> 00:26:40,772 - You know, before Mrs. B., I didn't 716 00:26:40,814 --> 00:26:42,315 care nothing about reading. 717 00:26:42,357 --> 00:26:44,067 But she opened my eyes. 718 00:26:44,109 --> 00:26:46,986 These poems really are just like rap songs. 719 00:26:49,614 --> 00:26:51,783 - Oh, sweetie. 720 00:26:51,825 --> 00:26:52,951 Are you OK? 721 00:26:52,992 --> 00:26:55,787 - I'm a total fucking loser! 722 00:26:55,829 --> 00:26:57,247 - Oh, honey. 723 00:26:57,288 --> 00:26:58,790 No, no, you're not. 724 00:26:58,832 --> 00:27:01,209 You're a very special girl. 725 00:27:01,251 --> 00:27:02,502 I just know it. 726 00:27:02,544 --> 00:27:04,212 - I'm a fucking disaster. 727 00:27:04,254 --> 00:27:06,840 My whole life is an absolute fucking mess. 728 00:27:06,881 --> 00:27:08,800 - You're 16. 729 00:27:08,842 --> 00:27:11,803 Your life hasn't even started yet. 730 00:27:11,845 --> 00:27:15,682 You can still be anyone you want to be. 731 00:27:15,724 --> 00:27:19,686 - I'm sorry I was such a bitch. 732 00:27:20,937 --> 00:27:23,982 - You know, when I was your age, 733 00:27:24,024 --> 00:27:26,693 I used to think my ears were too big. 734 00:27:27,485 --> 00:27:31,489 And then one day I saw a picture in a magazine 735 00:27:31,531 --> 00:27:35,660 of a girl with a deformed ear because her mother smoked 736 00:27:35,702 --> 00:27:37,412 while she was in the womb. 737 00:27:37,454 --> 00:27:39,289 It was awful. 738 00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:43,126 It was like a little piece of popcorn. 739 00:27:43,168 --> 00:27:47,088 And then I realized that maybe I had more 740 00:27:47,130 --> 00:27:50,425 to be grateful for than I knew because at least I 741 00:27:50,467 --> 00:27:52,594 had both my ears. 742 00:27:53,303 --> 00:27:55,764 I think about that girl in the magazine. 743 00:27:55,805 --> 00:27:57,349 And I just-- 744 00:27:57,390 --> 00:28:00,435 I hope somebody gave her a job where she doesn't have 745 00:28:00,477 --> 00:28:03,021 to interact with the public. 746 00:28:03,063 --> 00:28:07,317 - That's fucked up, like, all of it, 747 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:09,235 every part of that story. 748 00:28:10,570 --> 00:28:15,033 - You are perfect just the way you are. 749 00:28:15,075 --> 00:28:17,410 And I'm sure your parents tell you that 750 00:28:17,452 --> 00:28:18,953 every day, don't they? 751 00:28:18,995 --> 00:28:20,914 - No, not really. 752 00:28:20,955 --> 00:28:22,832 They're just obsessed with solving 753 00:28:22,874 --> 00:28:25,377 my brother's stupid murder. 754 00:28:25,418 --> 00:28:26,878 - Oh. 755 00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,797 - It's, like, you have a daughter too. 756 00:28:30,173 --> 00:28:32,759 - Would you like some chocolate milk? 757 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,429 - No, I'm OK. 758 00:28:37,138 --> 00:28:39,808 You're a really nice lady, Mrs. Bennett. 759 00:28:43,853 --> 00:28:46,856 [sobbing] 760 00:28:46,898 --> 00:28:49,818 [soft music] 761 00:28:49,859 --> 00:28:53,113 * * 762 00:28:53,154 --> 00:28:56,408 - So I want to hear all about it. 763 00:28:56,449 --> 00:28:58,201 - You would have been wicked proud of her, Blaire. 764 00:28:58,243 --> 00:28:59,536 She did great. - Yeah. 765 00:28:59,577 --> 00:29:01,413 I mean, I was having trouble with a math problem. 766 00:29:01,454 --> 00:29:03,456 And then she converted the units 767 00:29:03,498 --> 00:29:04,749 into items from my street. 768 00:29:04,791 --> 00:29:06,042 And I got it. 769 00:29:06,084 --> 00:29:09,921 - It was a memorable experience. 770 00:29:09,963 --> 00:29:13,925 - God, Aunt Sus, I just have to say, I am so proud of you. 771 00:29:13,967 --> 00:29:15,468 You've wanted this for decades. 772 00:29:15,510 --> 00:29:16,720 And it's finally yours. 773 00:29:16,761 --> 00:29:18,096 - By the way, I didn't know that girl's brother 774 00:29:18,138 --> 00:29:19,639 was murdered when I said that stuff. 775 00:29:19,681 --> 00:29:21,599 - I mean, really, you stepped up. 776 00:29:21,641 --> 00:29:23,435 And you did it. 777 00:29:24,477 --> 00:29:26,604 - Yeah. 778 00:29:26,646 --> 00:29:28,356 - What's the matter? 779 00:29:29,232 --> 00:29:32,360 - Blaire, I'm not going back. 780 00:29:33,319 --> 00:29:35,488 - You're not? 781 00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:37,323 - No. 782 00:29:37,365 --> 00:29:38,616 - Why? 783 00:29:38,658 --> 00:29:40,618 - It's just not for me. 784 00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:41,953 - Well, look. 785 00:29:41,995 --> 00:29:43,830 I'm sure there were a few bumps. 786 00:29:43,872 --> 00:29:45,582 But it's just your first day. 787 00:29:45,623 --> 00:29:48,501 Next time, it's going to be even better. 788 00:29:48,543 --> 00:29:51,087 - Blaire, I'm not like you. 789 00:29:51,129 --> 00:29:54,299 You want something different out of life than I do. 790 00:29:54,341 --> 00:29:56,593 Years ago, I wanted to teach. 791 00:29:56,634 --> 00:30:00,138 But somewhere along the line-- 792 00:30:00,180 --> 00:30:03,224 well, it's different now. 793 00:30:03,266 --> 00:30:07,145 You know, I admire how strong you are and-- 794 00:30:07,187 --> 00:30:10,565 and what you want from the world. 795 00:30:10,607 --> 00:30:12,859 But it's not who I am. 796 00:30:12,901 --> 00:30:15,362 I'm happy with my life. 797 00:30:15,403 --> 00:30:18,948 - But your life can't just be about chocolate milk 798 00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:20,450 and Matty's stools. 799 00:30:20,492 --> 00:30:22,035 - You know, I'm just putting it together now. 800 00:30:22,077 --> 00:30:24,162 But you think all the lactose is maybe the reason he's so-- 801 00:30:24,204 --> 00:30:27,040 - Oh, Blaire. I don't see it that way at all. 802 00:30:27,082 --> 00:30:29,167 I mean, the best part of my day was helping 803 00:30:29,209 --> 00:30:31,544 that girl with the nose job. 804 00:30:31,586 --> 00:30:34,673 - Oh, it's a terrible nose job. - It's a terrible nose job. 805 00:30:34,714 --> 00:30:37,092 And I didn't want her to feel badly about it. 806 00:30:37,133 --> 00:30:42,013 But just being there for her made me feel so good. 807 00:30:42,055 --> 00:30:45,016 That's my special power, Blaire, 808 00:30:45,058 --> 00:30:48,019 helping people who need me. 809 00:30:48,061 --> 00:30:52,273 Making them happy is what makes me happy. 810 00:30:52,315 --> 00:30:55,318 - I have to be honest, Aunt Sus. 811 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,362 I don't understand how that can be enough. 812 00:30:57,404 --> 00:30:58,697 I mean, you know you can do both. 813 00:30:58,738 --> 00:31:00,740 - I don't want to. 814 00:31:00,782 --> 00:31:02,075 Oh, I'm so sorry. 815 00:31:02,117 --> 00:31:04,119 I didn't mean to yell. 816 00:31:04,994 --> 00:31:06,996 - No, it's OK. 817 00:31:07,038 --> 00:31:08,707 - Are you OK? 818 00:31:08,748 --> 00:31:11,292 - Yeah. - Oh, my gosh. 819 00:31:13,670 --> 00:31:15,380 Oh, Matty, you're limping. 820 00:31:15,422 --> 00:31:17,382 - Oh, my goddamn gout's killing me. 821 00:31:17,424 --> 00:31:20,051 - Oh, no. You want me to take a look? 822 00:31:20,093 --> 00:31:21,428 - No, no, no, no. You don't want to see this. 823 00:31:21,469 --> 00:31:23,680 My big toe looks like a frog holding his breath. 824 00:31:23,722 --> 00:31:26,725 - Well, last time it was a cob of Indian corn. 825 00:31:26,766 --> 00:31:28,101 So it must be getting better. 826 00:31:28,143 --> 00:31:30,145 - Yeah, well, it hurts like a shithouse. 827 00:31:30,186 --> 00:31:32,230 - Matty, why don't we go upstairs to the bedroom, 828 00:31:32,272 --> 00:31:36,026 and you can show me your toe, OK? 829 00:31:36,067 --> 00:31:37,527 - All right. 830 00:31:37,569 --> 00:31:40,447 * * 831 00:31:40,488 --> 00:31:42,490 Oh, so many steps. 832 00:31:42,532 --> 00:31:44,743 - I know. 833 00:31:44,784 --> 00:31:51,624 * * 834 00:31:51,666 --> 00:31:53,126 - I just want to go on the record 835 00:31:53,168 --> 00:31:56,046 that I don't approve of this kind of enabling. 836 00:31:56,087 --> 00:31:58,340 - Well, if this week has taught us anything, 837 00:31:58,381 --> 00:32:00,592 it's that what matters most is Blaire's approval. 838 00:32:00,633 --> 00:32:02,093 - Ha, hilarious. 839 00:32:02,135 --> 00:32:04,137 Fuck you. - Yeah, smoke up. 840 00:32:05,055 --> 00:32:07,640 - It just bums me out, you know, 841 00:32:07,682 --> 00:32:09,809 that the women of Aunt Susan's generation 842 00:32:09,851 --> 00:32:11,269 can be happy with so little. 843 00:32:11,311 --> 00:32:12,437 - Yeah, I know what you mean. 844 00:32:12,479 --> 00:32:14,189 I don't like those women either. 845 00:32:14,230 --> 00:32:16,274 They need to have more ambition like us. 846 00:32:16,316 --> 00:32:18,026 - But you get what I'm saying, right? 847 00:32:18,068 --> 00:32:20,195 I mean, people just walk all over her. 848 00:32:20,236 --> 00:32:22,781 And she just smiles and keeps on like vacuuming 849 00:32:22,822 --> 00:32:24,157 the fucking floor. 850 00:32:24,199 --> 00:32:26,534 - I mean, she kind of told you to fuck off. 851 00:32:26,576 --> 00:32:29,329 - Yeah, I guess mission accomplished, huh? 852 00:32:29,371 --> 00:32:31,706 - This is going to be a thing, isn't it, 853 00:32:31,748 --> 00:32:33,041 the three of us getting high? 854 00:32:33,083 --> 00:32:35,627 - Yeah, it sure is. - Yeah, enjoy your new life. 855 00:32:35,668 --> 00:32:37,670 - Fuck. 856 00:32:39,839 --> 00:32:42,509 - Remember when I was a therapist? 857 00:32:42,550 --> 00:32:45,845 [upbeat music] 858 00:32:46,221 --> 00:32:48,932 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 859 00:32:48,973 --> 00:32:53,019 - * Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful * 860 00:32:53,061 --> 00:32:56,606 * And yet alas that someone adores you * 861 00:32:56,648 --> 00:32:57,732 * * 862 00:32:57,774 --> 00:33:01,486 * Everybody needs a best friend * 863 00:33:01,528 --> 00:33:04,239 * I'm happy I'm yours * 864 00:33:04,280 --> 00:33:07,575 * I'm just a clown * 865 00:33:07,617 --> 00:33:11,079 * And I'll bring you down * 866 00:33:11,121 --> 00:33:13,248 * But you just don't care * 867 00:33:13,289 --> 00:33:19,671 * 'Cause your best friend is me * 868 00:33:19,713 --> 00:33:26,678 * *