1 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:10,181 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,223 --> 00:00:12,892 * * 3 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,394 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,436 --> 00:00:16,312 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,354 --> 00:00:19,441 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:23,069 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,111 --> 00:00:25,822 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,824 --> 00:00:30,744 [bright music] 9 00:00:30,785 --> 00:00:35,707 * * 10 00:00:35,749 --> 00:00:36,750 - B7. 11 00:00:36,791 --> 00:00:38,418 - Miss. - Again? 12 00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:40,920 - Yup. - Jesus, that's eight misses. 13 00:00:40,962 --> 00:00:43,048 - Yes, it is. 14 00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:44,132 - Did you put your ships in? 15 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:45,216 - No, I did not. 16 00:00:45,258 --> 00:00:46,259 - What the fuck, dude? 17 00:00:46,301 --> 00:00:47,635 - While you were militarizing, 18 00:00:47,677 --> 00:00:49,929 I allocated my funds toward infrastructure-- 19 00:00:49,971 --> 00:00:52,432 roads and bridges, schools and hospitals, John. 20 00:00:52,474 --> 00:00:53,641 The needs of my people. 21 00:00:53,683 --> 00:00:54,809 - That's not how the game works. 22 00:00:54,851 --> 00:00:56,811 - It's not a game, you son of a bitch! 23 00:00:56,853 --> 00:00:58,271 - Jesus, OK. 24 00:00:58,313 --> 00:01:01,024 - Sorry, I think I've been watching too much "M.A.S.H." 25 00:01:01,066 --> 00:01:03,109 - Boys, come upstairs. 26 00:01:03,151 --> 00:01:05,236 It's cookie-frosting time. 27 00:01:05,278 --> 00:01:07,405 - [sighs] We gonna do this? 28 00:01:07,447 --> 00:01:09,240 - Lori Loughlin's on "Oprah" at 3:00, 29 00:01:09,282 --> 00:01:10,784 so I was gonna jerk off. 30 00:01:10,825 --> 00:01:11,993 But I guess I can tape it. 31 00:01:12,035 --> 00:01:13,244 - You're a good son. 32 00:01:13,286 --> 00:01:15,038 [timer dings] 33 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:21,878 * * 34 00:01:23,129 --> 00:01:24,172 Oh, hey, Sarah. 35 00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:25,215 - Hey, Ted. 36 00:01:25,256 --> 00:01:26,383 - How's the pot business? 37 00:01:26,424 --> 00:01:29,386 - The...crock pot business 38 00:01:29,427 --> 00:01:31,388 is doing just fine, thanks. 39 00:01:31,429 --> 00:01:33,682 - Sarah, I don't think you've met my cousin John. 40 00:01:33,723 --> 00:01:34,808 - Hi. - Hi. 41 00:01:34,849 --> 00:01:37,310 - Sarah's Blaire's friend from college. 42 00:01:37,352 --> 00:01:39,437 Her trip to California was canceled, 43 00:01:39,479 --> 00:01:42,107 so she's staying with us for Christmas. 44 00:01:42,148 --> 00:01:43,274 She's... [with Indian accent] Indian. 45 00:01:43,316 --> 00:01:44,859 - Aunt Suze, you-- 46 00:01:44,901 --> 00:01:46,319 you don't have to say that. 47 00:01:46,361 --> 00:01:47,779 - [normally] Oh, I don't mind. 48 00:01:47,821 --> 00:01:50,281 Sarah shouldn't have to tell people she's Indian. 49 00:01:50,323 --> 00:01:51,533 - Thank you. 50 00:01:51,574 --> 00:01:53,034 - Aren't you glad you stayed for this? 51 00:01:53,076 --> 00:01:54,828 - Mm. - OK, tools... 52 00:01:54,869 --> 00:01:56,162 - Oh, thank you. 53 00:01:56,204 --> 00:01:58,623 - For my little assistants here. 54 00:01:58,665 --> 00:01:59,999 - Do you want to make the colostomy bag joke, 55 00:02:00,041 --> 00:02:01,042 or should I? 56 00:02:01,084 --> 00:02:02,627 - Well, Sarah is the guest. 57 00:02:02,669 --> 00:02:05,338 Sarah, would you like to make the colostomy bag joke? 58 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:06,923 - I'm all good. Thanks. 59 00:02:08,008 --> 00:02:09,968 - Johnny, I need you outside. 60 00:02:10,010 --> 00:02:12,178 There's a raccoon frozen in the ice next to the driveway. 61 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:13,471 I got to chip him out of there. 62 00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:14,806 - Well, what do you need me for? 63 00:02:14,848 --> 00:02:16,975 - Need you to bag up the pieces for the homeless. 64 00:02:17,017 --> 00:02:18,518 - Wait, do you only give stuff to the homeless 65 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,978 when you don't want to go to the dump? 66 00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:22,188 - Matty, honey, this is Sarah, 67 00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:23,898 Blaire's Indian friend. 68 00:02:23,940 --> 00:02:26,151 - Aunt Suze, you really don't have to add that. 69 00:02:26,192 --> 00:02:27,277 - I had Indian food once. 70 00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:28,528 Blew right through me. 71 00:02:28,570 --> 00:02:30,947 - I'll pass that on up the ladder. 72 00:02:30,989 --> 00:02:32,240 - Do what you want to do. 73 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:33,199 I'm just telling you what happened. 74 00:02:33,241 --> 00:02:34,659 All right, John, let's go. 75 00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:37,328 - Well, actually, I'm helping Mom frost the cookies. 76 00:02:37,370 --> 00:02:38,663 - Well, you can do that later. 77 00:02:38,705 --> 00:02:40,165 - She asked him first, Matty. 78 00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:41,166 You can wait your turn. 79 00:02:41,207 --> 00:02:42,375 - Are you kidding me? 80 00:02:42,417 --> 00:02:44,002 Jesus Christ, when I was your age, 81 00:02:44,044 --> 00:02:46,004 I would have killed to shovel ice with my dad. 82 00:02:46,046 --> 00:02:48,214 - Yeah, I can see how chopping up a dead raccoon 83 00:02:48,256 --> 00:02:50,216 would be a father-son memory maker. 84 00:02:50,258 --> 00:02:51,676 - So you're not gonna help? 85 00:02:51,718 --> 00:02:54,637 - Well, I got a lot of cookies to frost, Dad. 86 00:02:54,679 --> 00:02:56,931 - [scoffs] Spoken like a real man. 87 00:02:56,973 --> 00:02:58,391 - Which means what? 88 00:02:58,433 --> 00:02:59,851 - No, no, no, no, it's fine. You know what? 89 00:02:59,893 --> 00:03:02,687 Stay here and frost your cookies with the ladies. 90 00:03:02,729 --> 00:03:05,106 Maybe we can go see a Broadway show after. 91 00:03:05,148 --> 00:03:07,442 - Oh, Matty, could we? 92 00:03:07,484 --> 00:03:11,946 - So your implication is that John is, what, gay 93 00:03:11,988 --> 00:03:13,239 because he's frosting cookies? 94 00:03:13,281 --> 00:03:14,491 - Susan, help me out here. 95 00:03:14,532 --> 00:03:16,534 - Look at that. 96 00:03:16,576 --> 00:03:19,579 - Is that an elf with his big candy cane? 97 00:03:19,621 --> 00:03:21,956 - No, it's a barber pole. The elf just got a haircut. 98 00:03:21,998 --> 00:03:23,541 - Oh, I love it. 99 00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:26,002 Oh, Matty, come look at the elf's haircut. 100 00:03:26,044 --> 00:03:27,879 - Fuck, Jesus Christ! 101 00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:29,839 You know, when I was just a little bit older than you, 102 00:03:29,881 --> 00:03:31,174 I was in Vietnam. 103 00:03:31,216 --> 00:03:32,384 Did I ever tell you about the time 104 00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:34,344 I thought I saw a clown in a field 105 00:03:34,386 --> 00:03:36,388 but it was just an inside-out guy? 106 00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:38,598 Know what? Forget it. 107 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,600 Frost your gay cookies. 108 00:03:42,394 --> 00:03:44,104 - Did he just call you gay 109 00:03:44,145 --> 00:03:47,065 and then angrily toss his scarf over his shoulder? 110 00:03:47,107 --> 00:03:48,316 - Yup. 111 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:49,734 - Maybe he's still figuring shit out. 112 00:03:49,776 --> 00:03:51,736 - Well, it is always the homophobes. 113 00:03:51,778 --> 00:03:53,405 - You know, I never understood that word. 114 00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:54,864 - What word? - "Homophobe." 115 00:03:54,906 --> 00:03:56,574 - It's prejudice against gay people. 116 00:03:56,616 --> 00:03:57,701 - Yeah, but, like, shouldn't it mean, 117 00:03:57,742 --> 00:03:58,952 like, scared of gay people? 118 00:03:58,993 --> 00:04:00,453 - Yeah, I've always wondered that too. 119 00:04:00,495 --> 00:04:02,872 Like, every other phobe is, like, scared. 120 00:04:02,914 --> 00:04:04,749 - That is what "homophobe" means. 121 00:04:04,791 --> 00:04:06,751 - No, no, but it's-- it is different, right? 122 00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:08,628 Like, in "Arachnophobia," Jeff Daniels 123 00:04:08,670 --> 00:04:10,046 is scared of spiders because he thinks 124 00:04:10,088 --> 00:04:11,256 they're gonna, like, hurt him 125 00:04:11,297 --> 00:04:12,757 or, like, kill him or something. 126 00:04:12,799 --> 00:04:14,759 - Yeah, it's not like, oh, I'm scared of spiders 127 00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,845 'cause I think they're gonna make me a spider 128 00:04:16,886 --> 00:04:19,014 or they're gonna take over the school 129 00:04:19,055 --> 00:04:20,765 and teach spider stuff. 130 00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:22,767 - Stop talking. - I mean, if I was a homophobe, 131 00:04:22,809 --> 00:04:25,603 wouldn't I see a gay guy and be like, aah, a gay guy! 132 00:04:25,645 --> 00:04:26,688 Run! 133 00:04:28,648 --> 00:04:30,150 - Is the bear always like this? 134 00:04:30,191 --> 00:04:31,276 - I'm so sorry. 135 00:04:31,317 --> 00:04:33,361 - [breathing heavily] 136 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:34,696 Whew! 137 00:04:34,738 --> 00:04:37,032 Didn't even run that far. [chuckles] 138 00:04:37,073 --> 00:04:41,119 [panting] So...Bollywood, 139 00:04:41,161 --> 00:04:42,954 is that you guys? 140 00:04:44,497 --> 00:04:48,918 * * 141 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,629 - Come on, Matty, we're gonna be late for church. 142 00:04:51,671 --> 00:04:53,131 - No, I'm taking the week off. 143 00:04:53,173 --> 00:04:54,674 Pats are playing Buffalo. 144 00:04:54,716 --> 00:04:58,636 - But it's the last Sunday service before Christmas Eve. 145 00:04:58,678 --> 00:05:00,263 And Father Odell says that if you don't 146 00:05:00,305 --> 00:05:02,140 cultivate a relationship with God, 147 00:05:02,182 --> 00:05:03,266 you're going to hell. 148 00:05:03,308 --> 00:05:05,352 - Can't be worse than one of his sermons. 149 00:05:05,393 --> 00:05:06,686 - Well, if he's that boring, 150 00:05:06,728 --> 00:05:08,688 then why is the Boston Globe Spotlight Team 151 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:10,648 doing a big story on him? 152 00:05:10,690 --> 00:05:12,650 - Matty, Susan has a choir solo today. 153 00:05:12,692 --> 00:05:14,569 - I'll be at the next one, all right? I promise. 154 00:05:14,611 --> 00:05:16,154 - Jesus, it's 45 fucking minutes. 155 00:05:16,196 --> 00:05:17,155 You can't do this for her? 156 00:05:17,197 --> 00:05:18,490 - Oh, it's all right. 157 00:05:18,531 --> 00:05:19,824 He works hard all week. 158 00:05:19,866 --> 00:05:22,327 If he wants to rest on a Sunday, let him rest. 159 00:05:22,369 --> 00:05:23,870 It's what the Lord did. 160 00:05:23,912 --> 00:05:25,288 - No, it's not all right, though. 161 00:05:25,330 --> 00:05:26,873 He's acting like a selfish jerk. 162 00:05:26,915 --> 00:05:28,166 - I'm selfish? 163 00:05:28,208 --> 00:05:29,167 Wait a minute. 164 00:05:29,209 --> 00:05:30,502 I work 60 hours a week 165 00:05:30,543 --> 00:05:32,045 so that you guys can have a fridge 166 00:05:32,087 --> 00:05:33,880 full of Eggos and Fanta. 167 00:05:33,922 --> 00:05:34,923 - He's right. 168 00:05:34,964 --> 00:05:36,841 We do take the Fanta for granted. 169 00:05:36,883 --> 00:05:39,260 - Here you go, Mom. - Oh, thank you, sweetie. 170 00:05:39,302 --> 00:05:41,388 - Yeah. - Hey, what's that? 171 00:05:41,429 --> 00:05:44,891 - Oh, it's the toys for the Toys for Tots gift drive. 172 00:05:44,933 --> 00:05:46,726 - That's Dennis the dump truck. 173 00:05:46,768 --> 00:05:48,103 - Uh-huh. 174 00:05:48,144 --> 00:05:49,312 - You can't give him away. 175 00:05:49,354 --> 00:05:51,856 - Well, it's been in our basement for years. 176 00:05:51,898 --> 00:05:53,358 - Yeah, but I've had him since I was a kid. 177 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,609 That means a lot to me. 178 00:05:54,651 --> 00:05:56,444 - You named your dump truck Dennis? 179 00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:58,405 - Keep my truck's name out your mouth. 180 00:05:58,446 --> 00:06:01,366 - Oh, honey, but you never play with it. 181 00:06:01,408 --> 00:06:02,534 - Well--well, I'm gonna-- 182 00:06:02,575 --> 00:06:03,827 I'm gonna start playing with him. 183 00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:05,370 - Oh, you're gonna start playing with it now 184 00:06:05,412 --> 00:06:06,579 at fucking 50? 185 00:06:06,621 --> 00:06:07,997 - Yes, I'm gonna-- 186 00:06:08,039 --> 00:06:09,999 I'm gonna start playing with him all the time. 187 00:06:10,041 --> 00:06:11,334 Starting right now. See? 188 00:06:11,376 --> 00:06:13,461 Vroom, vroom. 189 00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:16,297 Oh, yeah, we'll deliver that peat moss. 190 00:06:16,339 --> 00:06:18,049 Yeah, we will. Vroom. 191 00:06:18,091 --> 00:06:20,176 - Hey, that looks fun. - Yeah, can we play? 192 00:06:20,218 --> 00:06:21,594 - No. - Aw. 193 00:06:21,636 --> 00:06:22,637 - Vroom, vroom. 194 00:06:22,679 --> 00:06:24,305 - What the fuck is happening? 195 00:06:24,347 --> 00:06:26,099 - Vroom. 196 00:06:26,141 --> 00:06:27,142 Why are you still here? 197 00:06:27,183 --> 00:06:28,643 - Her flight was canceled, 198 00:06:28,685 --> 00:06:31,146 so she's staying with us for Christmas. 199 00:06:31,187 --> 00:06:32,814 - Hang on a second. 200 00:06:32,856 --> 00:06:35,316 We got company here for the whole holidays 201 00:06:35,358 --> 00:06:36,776 and nobody even asked me? 202 00:06:36,818 --> 00:06:39,821 - I can find somewhere else to stay if it's a problem. 203 00:06:39,863 --> 00:06:41,197 - No. Please, no. 204 00:06:41,239 --> 00:06:42,699 - No. Absolutely not. 205 00:06:42,741 --> 00:06:43,825 - Susan said it's fine. Don't worry about him. 206 00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:45,785 - What, I don't get a say in my own house? 207 00:06:45,827 --> 00:06:46,828 - Oh, Matty, I think you're being 208 00:06:46,870 --> 00:06:48,788 a little silly about this. 209 00:06:48,830 --> 00:06:51,041 - Nobody ever takes my side in this house ever! 210 00:06:51,082 --> 00:06:53,585 It's always me against everybody else. 211 00:06:53,626 --> 00:06:54,961 - Well, maybe somebody would take your side 212 00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:56,629 if you weren't always spreading your shitty mood 213 00:06:56,671 --> 00:06:58,006 all over the house. - Fine! 214 00:06:58,048 --> 00:06:59,591 Your friend can stay for the week. 215 00:06:59,632 --> 00:07:01,426 Go have fun at church. See? I'm nice. 216 00:07:01,468 --> 00:07:03,219 - Thank you so much, Mr. Scrooge. 217 00:07:03,261 --> 00:07:05,221 And God bless us, every one. 218 00:07:05,263 --> 00:07:08,058 - Well, at least Scrooge was a good businessman. 219 00:07:08,099 --> 00:07:10,143 - Yeah, and Tiny Tim's condition was preexisting. 220 00:07:10,185 --> 00:07:11,770 Scrooge shouldn't have to cover it. 221 00:07:11,811 --> 00:07:13,480 - Exactly! - Can I play with the truck? 222 00:07:13,521 --> 00:07:15,190 - No. - Aw. 223 00:07:15,231 --> 00:07:18,276 ["Silent Night" playing on organ] 224 00:07:18,318 --> 00:07:25,283 * * 225 00:07:25,325 --> 00:07:29,537 - * Silent night * 226 00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:34,209 * Holy night * 227 00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:38,630 * All is calm * 228 00:07:38,672 --> 00:07:43,218 * All is bright * 229 00:07:43,259 --> 00:07:47,514 - * Round yon virgin * 230 00:07:47,555 --> 00:07:52,268 * Mother and child * 231 00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:55,939 * Holy infant * 232 00:07:55,980 --> 00:08:00,735 * So tender and mild * 233 00:08:00,777 --> 00:08:03,405 - Wait, who describes an infant as mild? 234 00:08:03,446 --> 00:08:05,073 - Yeah, I'm more hung up on tender. 235 00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:07,075 - Yeah, somebody's eating this baby. 236 00:08:07,117 --> 00:08:09,911 - * Peace * 237 00:08:09,953 --> 00:08:14,999 * Sleep in heavenly * 238 00:08:15,041 --> 00:08:19,170 * Peace * 239 00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:21,631 - Thank you to the choir 240 00:08:21,673 --> 00:08:25,051 and to Susan Bennett for that wonderful solo. 241 00:08:25,093 --> 00:08:26,136 - Where's Matty? 242 00:08:26,177 --> 00:08:29,681 - Oh, he wasn't feeling well today. 243 00:08:29,723 --> 00:08:31,683 - It's important that we remember just why 244 00:08:31,725 --> 00:08:33,810 we celebrate Christmas. 245 00:08:33,852 --> 00:08:36,855 We observe the holiest of all days 246 00:08:36,896 --> 00:08:41,443 to rejoice in the glory of the birth of Jesus Christ, 247 00:08:41,484 --> 00:08:43,778 born not from the seed of man 248 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:45,905 but from divine origin. 249 00:08:45,947 --> 00:08:49,909 Never before or since have we, God's children, 250 00:08:49,951 --> 00:08:53,705 been blessed by such a miracle. 251 00:08:53,747 --> 00:08:55,623 - Excuse me. 252 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:56,833 Yeah, over here. 253 00:08:56,875 --> 00:08:59,044 Hi. Ted, local bear. 254 00:08:59,085 --> 00:09:00,879 You're talking about a guy who came alive 255 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,255 out of nowhere, right? 256 00:09:02,297 --> 00:09:03,381 - Yes. 257 00:09:03,423 --> 00:09:05,008 - Yeah, me. 258 00:09:05,050 --> 00:09:06,217 - I'm sorry? 259 00:09:06,259 --> 00:09:08,636 - I'm just saying, he's not the only one. 260 00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,889 - I don't think that's the same thing. 261 00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:12,932 - Well, you said, never before or since. 262 00:09:12,974 --> 00:09:16,311 But...[chuckles] You know, this guy. 263 00:09:16,353 --> 00:09:18,897 - The birth of Christ was a heavenly miracle. 264 00:09:18,938 --> 00:09:20,148 - I mean, what do you call this? 265 00:09:20,190 --> 00:09:21,858 I mean, I don't see any Pound Puppies 266 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,610 or Monchhichis walking around. 267 00:09:23,651 --> 00:09:26,863 - Christ's birth was clearly ordained by God, 268 00:09:26,905 --> 00:09:29,616 marked by the star of Bethlehem, 269 00:09:29,657 --> 00:09:31,534 a miraculous beacon from the heavens. 270 00:09:31,576 --> 00:09:33,620 - There was a star there. - There was a star, right? 271 00:09:33,661 --> 00:09:34,913 - Yeah, no, it was a shooting star. 272 00:09:34,954 --> 00:09:35,955 - I had a star. - Yeah. 273 00:09:35,997 --> 00:09:38,208 - Jesus had a divine purpose. 274 00:09:38,249 --> 00:09:41,753 God sent him to us to spread the word that He loves us. 275 00:09:41,795 --> 00:09:43,380 - I love you. 276 00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:44,798 - Your move, Friar Tuck. 277 00:09:44,839 --> 00:09:46,257 - I just want to finish the sermon. 278 00:09:46,299 --> 00:09:48,051 - I'm just saying, I might be Jesus. 279 00:09:48,093 --> 00:09:49,928 Might. I'm not saying for sure. 280 00:09:49,969 --> 00:09:51,680 I'm just saying it's a possibility. 281 00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:52,931 I might be Jesus. 282 00:09:52,972 --> 00:09:54,933 - That is incredibly disrespectful. 283 00:09:54,974 --> 00:09:56,768 - Says the guy eating babies. 284 00:09:56,810 --> 00:09:59,437 - So third and 10. 285 00:09:59,479 --> 00:10:00,772 There he goes. 286 00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:03,817 [crowd yelling] 287 00:10:03,858 --> 00:10:04,859 [whistle blows] 288 00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:06,444 - Fucking Patriots! 289 00:10:06,486 --> 00:10:08,113 You see that, Dennis? 290 00:10:08,154 --> 00:10:09,322 [groans] 291 00:10:09,364 --> 00:10:11,074 Why couldn't I have been born in Buffalo? 292 00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:12,784 I'd be winning every year. 293 00:10:12,826 --> 00:10:15,203 God! Buffalo has it all. 294 00:10:15,245 --> 00:10:18,415 - Let's leave something special for Santa this year: 295 00:10:18,456 --> 00:10:20,333 Jell-O Pudding Pops! 296 00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:21,334 children: Yay! 297 00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:22,836 - Santa's gonna love it. 298 00:10:22,877 --> 00:10:26,256 Happy holidays from Jell-O Pudding Pops! 299 00:10:26,297 --> 00:10:27,340 [TV clicks off] 300 00:10:28,758 --> 00:10:31,845 - Bet Bill Cosby's having a good Christmas. 301 00:10:31,886 --> 00:10:34,389 Bet he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of women 302 00:10:34,431 --> 00:10:36,224 telling him he's a jerk. 303 00:10:38,268 --> 00:10:41,938 You know, used to be, the man of the house said his piece, 304 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:43,898 everybody just fell in line. 305 00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:46,443 Now it's like fucking "Jerry Springer" in here. 306 00:10:49,195 --> 00:10:52,073 Bet if you could talk, you'd take my side. 307 00:10:52,824 --> 00:10:54,576 Have another beer, Matty. You've earned it. 308 00:10:54,617 --> 00:10:56,494 Ah, well, thanks, Dennis. 309 00:10:56,536 --> 00:10:58,872 I think I will. 310 00:10:58,913 --> 00:11:02,667 And--and--and take your socks off, Matty. 311 00:11:02,709 --> 00:11:04,335 I don't mind the smell of your feet 312 00:11:04,377 --> 00:11:06,796 because I know that's not something you can control. 313 00:11:06,838 --> 00:11:08,465 Well, I appreciate that, Dennis. 314 00:11:08,506 --> 00:11:10,091 Thank you. Thank you. 315 00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,344 Hey, Matty. Yeah? 316 00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:14,346 Shouldn't there be a White History Month too? 317 00:11:14,387 --> 00:11:18,308 Well, Dennis, you said it, not me. 318 00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:21,311 [bright music] 319 00:11:21,353 --> 00:11:26,399 * * 320 00:11:26,441 --> 00:11:27,609 Ah! 321 00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:30,236 That was a hell of a floss. 322 00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:35,617 Nothing feels better than getting stuff 323 00:11:35,658 --> 00:11:37,744 out of places, right? 324 00:11:41,206 --> 00:11:42,707 Let me know when you want to take a run 325 00:11:42,749 --> 00:11:45,085 at that ingrown hair on my neck. 326 00:11:48,922 --> 00:11:50,590 Am I still getting the silent treatment? 327 00:11:50,632 --> 00:11:53,677 Look, I already said I'm sorry I missed your solo. 328 00:11:53,718 --> 00:11:55,553 You know I can't sit on wood. 329 00:11:55,595 --> 00:11:57,263 It aggravates my hemorrhoids. 330 00:11:59,307 --> 00:12:03,103 Oh, so my hemorrhoids are my fault, too, I guess, huh? 331 00:12:04,270 --> 00:12:06,481 It ain't the post office down there, Susan. 332 00:12:06,523 --> 00:12:08,483 This stuff doesn't just show up on its own. 333 00:12:08,525 --> 00:12:10,110 There's effort involved. 334 00:12:15,323 --> 00:12:17,742 Might get one of those-- one of those doughnut pillows. 335 00:12:17,784 --> 00:12:18,868 No. You know what? 336 00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:20,453 You don't get to hear about it. 337 00:12:22,539 --> 00:12:25,834 [whimsical music] 338 00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:32,966 * * 339 00:12:41,474 --> 00:12:43,893 [sighs] 340 00:12:43,935 --> 00:12:49,024 * * 341 00:12:49,065 --> 00:12:52,027 [dramatic music] 342 00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:59,200 * * 343 00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,883 [birds chirping] 344 00:13:14,924 --> 00:13:22,057 * * 345 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,275 [grunts] 346 00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:38,323 - Hey! 347 00:13:40,158 --> 00:13:42,911 You wished me to life, fuck face! 348 00:13:49,626 --> 00:13:52,545 [bright music] 349 00:13:52,587 --> 00:13:56,341 * * 350 00:13:56,383 --> 00:13:58,051 - How the hell did this happen? 351 00:13:58,093 --> 00:13:59,844 - Just like it happened with Ted. 352 00:13:59,886 --> 00:14:01,221 I was looking out the window. 353 00:14:01,262 --> 00:14:02,972 Shooting star flies by. 354 00:14:03,014 --> 00:14:04,015 I made a wish. 355 00:14:04,057 --> 00:14:05,225 - And here I am. 356 00:14:05,266 --> 00:14:06,434 - Is this house cursed? 357 00:14:06,476 --> 00:14:08,186 - Hey, Susan, can I smoke in here? 358 00:14:08,228 --> 00:14:09,646 - If he smokes, I get to smoke. 359 00:14:09,688 --> 00:14:12,273 - I'm sorry, Dennis, if I let you smoke, 360 00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:14,693 I'll have to let all the toys smoke. 361 00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:15,735 - Yeah, fuck. 362 00:14:15,777 --> 00:14:16,861 - Hey, can I ask you something? 363 00:14:16,903 --> 00:14:18,196 How did it feel for you? 364 00:14:18,238 --> 00:14:19,489 - Yeah, one minute, nothing. 365 00:14:19,531 --> 00:14:20,615 The next, I can talk. 366 00:14:20,657 --> 00:14:22,409 - Was there a feeling like acid reflux, 367 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:23,368 like, right after? 368 00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:24,703 - Oh, yeah, bad. 369 00:14:24,744 --> 00:14:26,579 It also felt like I had to pee, but I couldn't. 370 00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:27,831 - Yup. Same here. 371 00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:29,666 Must be what happens when toys come to life. 372 00:14:29,708 --> 00:14:33,712 - So you just wished for your truck to come alive? 373 00:14:33,753 --> 00:14:35,255 - Not exactly. 374 00:14:35,296 --> 00:14:36,423 I wished there was someone in the house 375 00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:38,216 who'd back me up in an argument. 376 00:14:38,258 --> 00:14:39,384 - Next thing I know, I could move 377 00:14:39,426 --> 00:14:41,219 and I hated the fucking Yankees. 378 00:14:41,261 --> 00:14:43,555 - Well, I guess it's a Christmas miracle. 379 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:46,141 - So, like, were there murders here? 380 00:14:46,182 --> 00:14:47,767 Like, was a grave desecrated? 381 00:14:47,809 --> 00:14:49,352 - Jesus Christ, look at this. Look at this. 382 00:14:49,394 --> 00:14:51,813 They're giving free visas to tech workers. 383 00:14:51,855 --> 00:14:53,815 - Oh, fucking A. They're coming. 384 00:14:53,857 --> 00:14:55,442 - Who? - Immigrants. 385 00:14:55,483 --> 00:14:58,403 - Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Him too? 386 00:14:58,445 --> 00:15:00,071 - Yeah, those affirmative action bozos 387 00:15:00,113 --> 00:15:01,823 are probably jumping for joy. 388 00:15:01,865 --> 00:15:04,451 - No shit, watching them take all the goddamn jobs. 389 00:15:04,492 --> 00:15:05,910 - You do know affirmative action 390 00:15:05,952 --> 00:15:08,246 isn't about taking things away, right? 391 00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:09,456 It's about including people 392 00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:11,124 who've been discriminated against. 393 00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:12,333 - Oh, come on! 394 00:15:12,375 --> 00:15:13,293 - Oh, here we go again with this again. 395 00:15:13,334 --> 00:15:14,586 - What a bunch of bullshit. 396 00:15:14,627 --> 00:15:16,212 - So you're saying we should give people jobs 397 00:15:16,254 --> 00:15:17,672 based on the color of their skin. 398 00:15:17,714 --> 00:15:20,884 - I'm saying that things have been unequal for centuries 399 00:15:20,925 --> 00:15:22,427 and we should balance the scales. 400 00:15:22,469 --> 00:15:24,012 So yeah. 401 00:15:24,054 --> 00:15:25,847 - OK, see, now, that's racist. 402 00:15:25,889 --> 00:15:26,931 - You're the one who's defending 403 00:15:26,973 --> 00:15:28,433 a white-dominated workforce. 404 00:15:28,475 --> 00:15:29,851 - Hey, I don't care if they're purple, 405 00:15:29,893 --> 00:15:31,394 green, or orange, all right? 406 00:15:31,436 --> 00:15:33,438 I just don't want them Black, brown, or yellow. 407 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,565 - Oh, my God, dude, really? - Whoa, Jesus, dude. 408 00:15:35,607 --> 00:15:38,401 - Come on, it's a fucking joke. Relax. 409 00:15:38,443 --> 00:15:39,694 - OK, look, brown person over here. 410 00:15:39,736 --> 00:15:42,447 Just FYI, my parents moved here from India, 411 00:15:42,489 --> 00:15:44,157 and they built a very successful business 412 00:15:44,199 --> 00:15:45,492 all on their own. 413 00:15:45,533 --> 00:15:47,243 And they had to work twice as hard to do it. 414 00:15:47,285 --> 00:15:49,079 - Business owners. All right. OK. 415 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,747 Your parents vote for Clinton or Bush? 416 00:15:50,789 --> 00:15:53,458 - Well, I mean, they voted for Bush, but I-- 417 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:54,709 - Holy shit! - Ah, see, there it is. 418 00:15:54,751 --> 00:15:56,086 There it is. - Check-fucking-mate! See? 419 00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:57,295 This is why Dennis. 420 00:15:57,337 --> 00:15:59,130 This is why Dennis! 421 00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:00,632 - But I voted for Clinton. 422 00:16:00,674 --> 00:16:02,634 - You know what this is? Fucking Republicans. 423 00:16:02,676 --> 00:16:04,761 I swear to God, all you guys care about 424 00:16:04,803 --> 00:16:06,221 is winning the argument. 425 00:16:06,262 --> 00:16:09,057 You don't care about actual change or justice. 426 00:16:09,099 --> 00:16:10,725 It's all about feeling fake smart 427 00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:12,018 for, like, two seconds. 428 00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:13,186 Let me ask you this. 429 00:16:13,228 --> 00:16:14,437 What about the world beyond you? 430 00:16:14,479 --> 00:16:16,815 What about other people and their needs? 431 00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:18,483 - Jesus, what are you getting all mad about? 432 00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:20,485 You got two broads on the Supreme Court now. 433 00:16:20,527 --> 00:16:22,696 You're winning. - Yeah, there you go, right? 434 00:16:22,737 --> 00:16:24,823 - Two out of nine is pretty darn good. 435 00:16:24,864 --> 00:16:26,241 - OK. You know what? 436 00:16:26,282 --> 00:16:27,992 I am used to taking this crap from Matty, 437 00:16:28,034 --> 00:16:31,037 but I'm not gonna take it from some random piece of shit 438 00:16:31,079 --> 00:16:32,455 that just came to life. 439 00:16:32,497 --> 00:16:34,124 No offense, Ted. - All good. 440 00:16:34,165 --> 00:16:35,542 - Come on. Let's go. 441 00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:42,090 - So we just don't care that I'm Jesus, huh? 442 00:17:15,123 --> 00:17:17,876 - Mm. - Oh, my God. 443 00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:19,794 - Hi. 444 00:17:19,836 --> 00:17:24,382 I was just checking to see if you're OK after-- 445 00:17:26,426 --> 00:17:28,595 Well, it looks like you're OK. 446 00:17:31,306 --> 00:17:34,100 - Wait, wait, Aunt Suze. 447 00:17:34,142 --> 00:17:36,019 There's something you should know. 448 00:17:36,061 --> 00:17:38,188 - What? 449 00:17:38,229 --> 00:17:40,231 - Me and Sarah are-- 450 00:17:41,566 --> 00:17:44,486 - We're a couple, like, dating. - Yeah. 451 00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:46,905 - No. 452 00:17:46,946 --> 00:17:49,157 both: Yeah. - No. 453 00:17:49,199 --> 00:17:53,036 You're just very good friends. 454 00:17:53,078 --> 00:17:55,121 - No. - No, that's not-- 455 00:17:55,163 --> 00:17:56,206 what you just saw-- 456 00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:57,749 - What I saw 457 00:17:57,791 --> 00:18:00,460 was you expressing your good friendship, 458 00:18:00,502 --> 00:18:02,337 just like the girls on the tennis team 459 00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:04,964 used to do when I was in school. 460 00:18:05,006 --> 00:18:06,675 - You know what? 461 00:18:06,716 --> 00:18:07,801 Maybe you're right. 462 00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:09,761 Maybe that's for the best. 463 00:18:09,803 --> 00:18:12,430 We're just... really good friends. 464 00:18:12,472 --> 00:18:14,391 - [chuckles] Wait. What? 465 00:18:14,432 --> 00:18:16,226 - Sarah, people in this house think Liberace 466 00:18:16,267 --> 00:18:18,353 just had a lot of personality, OK? 467 00:18:18,395 --> 00:18:20,438 I think good friends is as far as they're gonna go. 468 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,775 - Gosh, that Liberace sure was full of spunk, wasn't he? 469 00:18:23,817 --> 00:18:25,735 - Blaire, no, OK? 470 00:18:25,777 --> 00:18:26,736 I'm tired of this. 471 00:18:26,778 --> 00:18:28,113 We keep hiding it everywhere we go. 472 00:18:28,154 --> 00:18:29,739 - I know. - It's bullshit. 473 00:18:29,781 --> 00:18:31,074 - OK, well, you think my uncle's gonna be cool 474 00:18:31,116 --> 00:18:32,158 with this? - Oh, come on. 475 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,326 - Especially with Dennis around? 476 00:18:33,368 --> 00:18:34,744 - Who gives a fuck what he thinks? 477 00:18:34,786 --> 00:18:37,122 And why should I care what a fucking toy dump truck 478 00:18:37,163 --> 00:18:39,290 thinks about my sexuality? 479 00:18:39,332 --> 00:18:40,875 - There's a sentence you don't hear every day. 480 00:18:40,917 --> 00:18:42,544 - Wouldn't it be easier to just tell them 481 00:18:42,585 --> 00:18:43,795 we're more than good friends? 482 00:18:43,837 --> 00:18:47,716 - I really think that if we just take a minute, 483 00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,718 we'd be saving ourselves a lot of stress, 484 00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:51,970 all right, at least till after Christmas. 485 00:18:52,012 --> 00:18:55,849 - We have very little going on January 3rd. 486 00:18:55,890 --> 00:18:56,891 - Great. 487 00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:58,059 Yeah, that works. 488 00:18:58,101 --> 00:18:59,519 - All right. - Thank you, Suze. 489 00:19:02,397 --> 00:19:06,192 - January 3rd, put it on the calendar. 490 00:19:16,661 --> 00:19:17,871 - [sighs] 491 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,333 Oh, my God, did I tell you somebody broke into my car 492 00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:23,960 and whacked off on the dashboard? 493 00:19:24,002 --> 00:19:25,670 - Yes, like, 50 fucking times. 494 00:19:25,712 --> 00:19:27,964 - Right. Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays. 495 00:19:28,006 --> 00:19:29,382 Can we not turn on each other? 496 00:19:29,424 --> 00:19:30,842 - Fine. Let me braid your hair. 497 00:19:30,884 --> 00:19:32,218 - Thank you. 498 00:19:35,472 --> 00:19:37,015 - OK, we can't read this whole thing. 499 00:19:37,057 --> 00:19:39,100 - Well, if we're gonna figure out if I'm actually Jesus, 500 00:19:39,142 --> 00:19:40,352 we at least got to skim it. 501 00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,729 - I have never seen pages so thin. 502 00:19:42,771 --> 00:19:43,938 - I know. 503 00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:45,648 It's like Kleenex with boring stories on it. 504 00:19:45,690 --> 00:19:46,775 - You know, I was thinking. 505 00:19:46,816 --> 00:19:48,985 How do we know that Dennis isn't Jesus? 506 00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:50,987 - Johnny, Jesus walked on water, all right? 507 00:19:51,029 --> 00:19:52,238 Walked! 508 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:53,323 That means he had feet, not wheels. 509 00:19:53,365 --> 00:19:54,991 - Yeah, that makes sense. 510 00:19:56,368 --> 00:19:57,452 - Oh, wait, hang on. Stop right there. 511 00:19:57,494 --> 00:19:58,453 Look, look, look. 512 00:19:58,495 --> 00:20:00,538 Matthew 21:31, 513 00:20:00,580 --> 00:20:02,374 "Truly I say to you, 514 00:20:02,415 --> 00:20:04,376 "the tax collectors and prostitutes 515 00:20:04,417 --> 00:20:06,419 go into the kingdom of heaven before you." 516 00:20:06,461 --> 00:20:07,545 Look at that. 517 00:20:07,587 --> 00:20:08,963 Jesus hangs out with hookers. 518 00:20:09,005 --> 00:20:10,507 - Yeah, and he says there's hookers in heaven too. 519 00:20:10,548 --> 00:20:11,841 He sounds a lot like you. 520 00:20:11,883 --> 00:20:13,802 - Oh, yeah, heaven is probably mostly hookers. 521 00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:15,553 - Wait, so you're paying for sex in heaven? 522 00:20:15,595 --> 00:20:16,721 - You're not paying them for sex. 523 00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:18,181 You're paying them to fly away. 524 00:20:18,223 --> 00:20:19,182 - Oh. 525 00:20:19,224 --> 00:20:20,433 Let's see. 526 00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:23,561 "And behold, I come quickly, 527 00:20:23,603 --> 00:20:25,939 and my reward is with me to give"-- 528 00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:27,399 - What was that first part? 529 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,401 - "Behold, I come quickly." 530 00:20:29,442 --> 00:20:31,194 - Jesus said that? - Yeah. 531 00:20:31,236 --> 00:20:34,155 - Yeah, that's not the kind of thing I'd start with "behold." 532 00:20:34,197 --> 00:20:36,533 What else? 533 00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:38,243 Well, look, look, look. Right there. Right there. 534 00:20:38,284 --> 00:20:39,744 John the apostle. 535 00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,830 Jesus had an apostle named John. 536 00:20:41,871 --> 00:20:42,914 - Holy shit. 537 00:20:42,956 --> 00:20:44,666 Those were, like, his buddies, right? 538 00:20:44,708 --> 00:20:46,835 - Yeah, yeah, there was Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, 539 00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:48,211 Johnny, Blitzen, 540 00:20:48,253 --> 00:20:50,046 and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. 541 00:20:50,088 --> 00:20:51,297 There's no doubt anymore. 542 00:20:51,339 --> 00:20:52,882 I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. 543 00:20:52,924 --> 00:20:54,175 - Holy shit. 544 00:20:54,217 --> 00:20:55,969 Does this mean you have, like, powers and stuff? 545 00:20:56,011 --> 00:20:58,054 - Yeah, but I probably got to learn how to use them. 546 00:20:58,096 --> 00:20:59,514 Flip to the spells. 547 00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:01,057 - OK, spells, spells, spells. - Spells, spells, spells. 548 00:21:01,099 --> 00:21:02,267 Wonder what my alignment is. 549 00:21:02,308 --> 00:21:04,269 - Chaotic good. - Ah, yeah, yeah. 550 00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:05,478 Good, but, like, you know, I might 551 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,980 fuck around a little bit. - Yeah. 552 00:21:07,022 --> 00:21:09,024 - Shit, we supposed to have dice? 553 00:21:09,065 --> 00:21:12,027 [light music] 554 00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:13,862 * * 555 00:21:13,903 --> 00:21:16,197 - Hey, Matty, a Jew, a Polack, 556 00:21:16,239 --> 00:21:17,866 and a Black guy walk into a bar-- 557 00:21:17,907 --> 00:21:19,534 - Oh, my fucking God. Really? - Wow. 558 00:21:19,576 --> 00:21:21,119 - Hey, watch the language. 559 00:21:21,161 --> 00:21:22,287 - Tell your stupid truck that. 560 00:21:22,328 --> 00:21:23,955 He's telling racist jokes. 561 00:21:23,997 --> 00:21:25,331 - I'm not racist. 562 00:21:25,373 --> 00:21:26,624 The punch line wasn't gonna be about the Black guy. 563 00:21:26,666 --> 00:21:27,917 It was gonna be about the Jew... 564 00:21:27,959 --> 00:21:30,086 and, to a lesser extent, about the Polack 565 00:21:30,128 --> 00:21:32,213 and a little bit about the Black guy's penis. 566 00:21:32,255 --> 00:21:33,757 - See? - The point is, 567 00:21:33,798 --> 00:21:36,092 none of them knew how deep the water was. 568 00:21:36,134 --> 00:21:37,927 Ow! Hey! This is assault! 569 00:21:37,969 --> 00:21:39,262 I'm being assaulted here! 570 00:21:39,304 --> 00:21:41,139 So much for the nonviolent left. 571 00:21:41,181 --> 00:21:42,474 - It's Christmas Eve. 572 00:21:42,515 --> 00:21:44,434 Can't we just have a nice dinner together? 573 00:21:44,476 --> 00:21:45,894 - Yes, we can. 574 00:21:45,935 --> 00:21:47,187 It's a beautiful ham, Aunt Susan. 575 00:21:47,228 --> 00:21:48,480 - Thank you. 576 00:21:48,521 --> 00:21:50,398 - Yeah, everything looks really great. 577 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:51,816 - Thank you, girls. Thank you. 578 00:21:51,858 --> 00:21:53,109 - You want some of this? - Yes, please. 579 00:21:53,151 --> 00:21:54,277 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 580 00:21:54,319 --> 00:21:55,362 - What? What? What? 581 00:21:55,403 --> 00:21:56,654 - It's Christmas Eve. 582 00:21:56,696 --> 00:21:58,823 We got to say grace, thank the Lord. 583 00:21:58,865 --> 00:22:00,784 - You're welcome. - [sighs] Fine. 584 00:22:00,825 --> 00:22:02,535 - Dennis, would you like to do the honors? 585 00:22:02,577 --> 00:22:04,537 - Absolutely. Bow your heads. 586 00:22:06,081 --> 00:22:07,248 - Dear Lord... - Yes. 587 00:22:07,290 --> 00:22:08,875 - Thank you for this food... - No problem. 588 00:22:08,917 --> 00:22:10,418 - And for these blessings... - Anytime. 589 00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:11,586 - Make us thankful. - On it. 590 00:22:11,628 --> 00:22:13,421 - And may we serve you-- - Mashed potatoes. 591 00:22:13,463 --> 00:22:15,256 - What the fuck? You want to say grace? 592 00:22:15,298 --> 00:22:16,383 - Nah, I'd feel like an asshole. 593 00:22:16,424 --> 00:22:17,676 - Amen. 594 00:22:17,717 --> 00:22:19,969 Oh, that was just beautiful, Dennis. 595 00:22:20,011 --> 00:22:21,346 - Now you can eat. 596 00:22:21,388 --> 00:22:23,139 - Oh, yeah, thank you so much for your permission. 597 00:22:23,181 --> 00:22:25,433 - Hey, you know, I hope the PC thought police 598 00:22:25,475 --> 00:22:27,185 over at that college don't kick you out 599 00:22:27,227 --> 00:22:28,561 for praying to Jesus. 600 00:22:28,603 --> 00:22:29,896 - You know, 70% of the world 601 00:22:29,938 --> 00:22:31,690 doesn't even believe in Jesus. 602 00:22:31,731 --> 00:22:33,483 - I'll get them. - Yeah, those are 603 00:22:33,525 --> 00:22:35,318 all the starving countries with no food. 604 00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:38,822 - Oh, so God loves Americans more, is that the theory? 605 00:22:38,863 --> 00:22:40,699 - Yeah, not for long if Slick Willy 606 00:22:40,740 --> 00:22:42,951 fucks things up by putting gays in the military. 607 00:22:42,992 --> 00:22:45,078 For God's sake, what would Reagan say? 608 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:46,287 - [scoffs] Right now? 609 00:22:46,329 --> 00:22:47,872 Probably something about choo-choo trains. 610 00:22:47,914 --> 00:22:50,166 - Would anyone like some mushroom caps? 611 00:22:50,208 --> 00:22:52,419 - Uncle Matty, do you agree with Dennis 612 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:54,129 that gay people shouldn't serve? 613 00:22:54,170 --> 00:22:55,380 - I think it's a bad idea. 614 00:22:55,422 --> 00:22:56,423 - Why? 615 00:22:56,464 --> 00:22:57,716 - You want to put a gay guy 616 00:22:57,757 --> 00:22:59,843 in a barracks with 20 regular guys? 617 00:22:59,884 --> 00:23:01,720 What happens when they all got to shower? 618 00:23:01,761 --> 00:23:03,555 - I don't know, Matty. What happens? 619 00:23:03,596 --> 00:23:04,764 - Plus, the Bible says 620 00:23:04,806 --> 00:23:06,474 no butt stuff, or you go to hell. 621 00:23:06,516 --> 00:23:08,059 - Hey, where's the spell section? 622 00:23:08,101 --> 00:23:09,728 - So it's immoral too? 623 00:23:09,769 --> 00:23:11,354 Gay people should all go to hell, 624 00:23:11,396 --> 00:23:12,647 that's what you think? 625 00:23:12,689 --> 00:23:14,149 - Listen, I don't care! 626 00:23:14,190 --> 00:23:16,276 Anybody can stick anything anywhere they want, 627 00:23:16,317 --> 00:23:19,112 as long as it's not in the army and not in my house. 628 00:23:19,154 --> 00:23:21,740 - Well, then I guess Sarah and I aren't welcome here. 629 00:23:22,782 --> 00:23:23,992 - What do you mean? 630 00:23:25,827 --> 00:23:27,746 - Sarah and I are a couple. 631 00:23:27,787 --> 00:23:30,081 - Called it, Johnny. - Motherfucker. 632 00:23:30,123 --> 00:23:33,168 - Blaire, I thought we were gonna do this on January 3rd. 633 00:23:33,209 --> 00:23:35,003 - Wait a minute. 634 00:23:35,045 --> 00:23:37,130 You--the two of you? 635 00:23:37,172 --> 00:23:38,840 - Oh, my God. - Mm. 636 00:23:38,882 --> 00:23:40,216 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey! 637 00:23:40,258 --> 00:23:41,593 - What the fuck is this? 638 00:23:41,634 --> 00:23:43,136 - What are you gonna do about it? 639 00:23:43,178 --> 00:23:44,512 - You're gay? 640 00:23:44,554 --> 00:23:46,723 - Fluid. - What the hell does that mean? 641 00:23:46,765 --> 00:23:49,434 - It means that I'm attracted to personalities 642 00:23:49,476 --> 00:23:50,602 regardless of their gender. 643 00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:52,687 - Oh, Jesus Christ. 644 00:23:52,729 --> 00:23:54,105 - You're attracted to personalities, 645 00:23:54,147 --> 00:23:55,273 and you picked her? 646 00:23:55,315 --> 00:23:56,358 - Hey! - Oh, fuck you. 647 00:23:56,399 --> 00:23:57,442 You've met six people. 648 00:23:57,484 --> 00:23:58,610 - It's that college. 649 00:23:58,651 --> 00:24:00,612 - It's that college! - Oh, my God. 650 00:24:00,653 --> 00:24:01,780 - Susan, what am I always saying? 651 00:24:01,821 --> 00:24:03,448 - College turns people gay. 652 00:24:03,490 --> 00:24:04,574 - College turns people gay. 653 00:24:04,616 --> 00:24:06,159 Absolutely right! 654 00:24:06,201 --> 00:24:08,661 Out there on the lawn every weekend, 655 00:24:08,703 --> 00:24:10,330 tossing the Frisbee around. 656 00:24:10,372 --> 00:24:12,123 - How the fuck is Frisbee gay? 657 00:24:12,165 --> 00:24:13,625 - It's a sport where nobody wins. 658 00:24:13,666 --> 00:24:15,043 - It's only about the fun. 659 00:24:15,085 --> 00:24:16,211 - So what? 660 00:24:16,252 --> 00:24:17,420 - And what's this? 661 00:24:17,462 --> 00:24:19,339 What's this, doing this all the time, huh? 662 00:24:19,381 --> 00:24:20,715 That's not a man's sport. 663 00:24:20,757 --> 00:24:22,258 - You might as well be on a balcony 664 00:24:22,300 --> 00:24:23,635 waving goodbye to your lover. 665 00:24:23,677 --> 00:24:25,053 - Making those clap catches, 666 00:24:25,095 --> 00:24:26,680 like you're front row at Elton John. 667 00:24:26,721 --> 00:24:28,306 - Oh, the clap catch. 668 00:24:28,348 --> 00:24:30,558 - Yeah, clap catching your Wham-O Frisbee. 669 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,726 - You know why it's called Wham-O? 670 00:24:31,768 --> 00:24:33,436 You turn around, you bend over to pick up 671 00:24:33,478 --> 00:24:34,646 up your Frisbee, and wham-o! 672 00:24:34,688 --> 00:24:35,939 - Oh, you know what? 673 00:24:35,980 --> 00:24:37,524 You wish you were a Frisbee, you little shit. 674 00:24:37,565 --> 00:24:39,943 And I'm so sorry that our sexual orientation 675 00:24:39,984 --> 00:24:41,820 is so offensive to everyone. 676 00:24:41,861 --> 00:24:43,321 Merry fucking Christmas. 677 00:24:43,363 --> 00:24:44,322 Come on, Sarah. 678 00:24:44,364 --> 00:24:45,448 - Blaire. 679 00:24:45,490 --> 00:24:46,449 Blaire, honey, wait. 680 00:24:46,491 --> 00:24:47,701 - Thank you. 681 00:24:48,702 --> 00:24:50,787 - Matty, please apologize to her. 682 00:24:50,829 --> 00:24:52,956 - Me? - Yes, you. 683 00:24:52,997 --> 00:24:55,041 - She should be apologizing to God. 684 00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:56,501 - Oh, he says it's fine. No worries. 685 00:24:56,543 --> 00:24:58,002 - But it's the holidays. 686 00:24:58,044 --> 00:24:59,796 - I'm not gonna apologize to her! 687 00:24:59,838 --> 00:25:02,465 She just made a spectacle in front of the entire family 688 00:25:02,507 --> 00:25:04,259 and in front of the ham! 689 00:25:04,300 --> 00:25:05,719 - Well, you know what? 690 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,887 This is my ham, and you're not having a piece of the ham 691 00:25:07,929 --> 00:25:09,305 until you say you're sorry. 692 00:25:09,347 --> 00:25:11,057 - You know what? I don't need any ham! 693 00:25:11,099 --> 00:25:13,601 I got all the Slim Jims I need in the basement! 694 00:25:13,643 --> 00:25:15,311 Come on, Dennis. - Good call, Buddy. 695 00:25:18,690 --> 00:25:21,693 - All I wanted was a nice Christmas. 696 00:25:25,989 --> 00:25:28,700 - OK, what do you say we try one of them spells, huh? 697 00:25:28,742 --> 00:25:30,577 Water into wine, here we go. 698 00:25:30,618 --> 00:25:33,038 Meka leka hi, meka hiney ho. 699 00:25:33,079 --> 00:25:35,665 Meka leka hi, meka chiney ho. 700 00:25:35,707 --> 00:25:37,751 All right, try it. 701 00:25:41,921 --> 00:25:43,715 - Still water. - Fuck! 702 00:25:43,757 --> 00:25:44,883 Oh, you know what? 703 00:25:44,924 --> 00:25:46,259 It's 'cause we don't have the wand. 704 00:25:50,597 --> 00:25:53,641 [soft music] 705 00:25:53,683 --> 00:25:59,272 * * 706 00:26:01,483 --> 00:26:03,985 [knock at door] - [sighs] 707 00:26:04,027 --> 00:26:04,944 What? 708 00:26:06,571 --> 00:26:08,490 - Hey, we brought you some ham 709 00:26:08,531 --> 00:26:09,783 in case you're still hungry. 710 00:26:10,575 --> 00:26:12,619 - Where is it? - Oh. 711 00:26:15,121 --> 00:26:17,874 - Yeah, it's touching a five, so... 712 00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:19,000 - Oh, look at that. 713 00:26:19,042 --> 00:26:20,835 - [grunts] What do you guys want? 714 00:26:20,877 --> 00:26:22,629 - We just wanted to see how you're doing. 715 00:26:22,670 --> 00:26:24,673 - Shitty. - Wait, you're leaving? 716 00:26:24,714 --> 00:26:26,299 - Yeah, I thought I'd go somewhere 717 00:26:26,341 --> 00:26:27,759 a little more tolerant, 718 00:26:27,801 --> 00:26:29,761 like Iran. 719 00:26:29,803 --> 00:26:31,930 - Listen, Blaire, 720 00:26:31,971 --> 00:26:33,264 we just wanted to say, you know, 721 00:26:33,306 --> 00:26:36,101 Teddy and I are totally cool with you being-- 722 00:26:36,142 --> 00:26:39,020 you know, just in case you were wondering. 723 00:26:39,062 --> 00:26:41,022 - I don't need your approval. 724 00:26:41,064 --> 00:26:42,357 - No. Yeah, I know that, but-- 725 00:26:42,399 --> 00:26:45,860 - No, I--sorry, I get what you meant. 726 00:26:45,902 --> 00:26:47,612 Thanks. - Cool. 727 00:26:47,654 --> 00:26:48,947 I mean, we love lesbians. 728 00:26:48,988 --> 00:26:50,240 - Yeah, like, a lot. 729 00:26:50,281 --> 00:26:52,283 Like, we found some magazines in the woods-- 730 00:26:52,325 --> 00:26:54,411 - I get it. 731 00:26:54,452 --> 00:26:57,372 - Question--and I hope I'm not out of line here-- 732 00:26:57,414 --> 00:26:59,749 but is it 'cause-- 733 00:26:59,791 --> 00:27:02,836 I mean, did you get a bad dick? 734 00:27:02,877 --> 00:27:05,213 - Yeah, that's not how it works. 735 00:27:05,255 --> 00:27:07,799 Look, I'm not 100% one way or the other. 736 00:27:07,841 --> 00:27:11,344 I just--I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to. 737 00:27:11,386 --> 00:27:13,972 Also, I got a bad dick. [laughter] 738 00:27:14,014 --> 00:27:15,140 - Oh, my God! - Oh, that's awesome. 739 00:27:15,181 --> 00:27:16,766 That's awesome. - Ah, no. 740 00:27:16,808 --> 00:27:19,144 That's just a comedy freebie for you guys. 741 00:27:19,185 --> 00:27:21,021 It's bullshit, all right? - Thank you. 742 00:27:21,062 --> 00:27:22,605 Thank you for the Christmas dick joke. 743 00:27:22,647 --> 00:27:24,065 - [groans] 744 00:27:24,107 --> 00:27:25,525 Shit. 745 00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:27,277 I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to share a house 746 00:27:27,318 --> 00:27:28,820 with somebody who treats me like 747 00:27:28,862 --> 00:27:31,406 I have some fucking disease? 748 00:27:31,448 --> 00:27:33,658 Guess there's no chance he's gonna apologize. 749 00:27:33,700 --> 00:27:34,868 - You know, if I can offer 750 00:27:34,909 --> 00:27:36,828 a bit of Christly wisdom, Blaire? 751 00:27:36,870 --> 00:27:39,330 You're smarter than he is, 752 00:27:39,372 --> 00:27:41,833 so you might have to go talk to him. 753 00:27:41,875 --> 00:27:43,960 - Oh, fuck that. 754 00:27:44,002 --> 00:27:46,004 I am not extending an olive branch to somebody 755 00:27:46,046 --> 00:27:47,881 who's against basic equality. 756 00:27:47,922 --> 00:27:49,174 - Well, that's the thing, Blaire. 757 00:27:49,215 --> 00:27:51,176 I don't think he's really even against anything. 758 00:27:51,217 --> 00:27:52,427 Think he just didn't want to look stupid 759 00:27:52,469 --> 00:27:53,595 in front of his truck. 760 00:27:53,636 --> 00:27:55,513 - [scoffs] Listen to yourself! 761 00:27:55,555 --> 00:27:56,765 - OK, then don't do it for Dad. 762 00:27:56,806 --> 00:27:58,183 Do it for Mom. 763 00:27:58,224 --> 00:27:59,976 Look, she's really bummed out right now, 764 00:28:00,018 --> 00:28:02,020 and it's all just 'cause Christmas is messed up. 765 00:28:02,062 --> 00:28:03,938 Look, I know it's gonna suck, but-- 766 00:28:03,980 --> 00:28:06,358 - But it's like I say in the book of Romulans: 767 00:28:06,399 --> 00:28:07,650 turn the other cheek. 768 00:28:07,692 --> 00:28:09,361 Do unto others. 769 00:28:09,402 --> 00:28:11,446 Say it, don't spray it. 770 00:28:11,488 --> 00:28:12,697 I'll have what she's having. 771 00:28:12,739 --> 00:28:13,907 - You're an idiot. 772 00:28:13,948 --> 00:28:16,034 - Oh, what do we say to that, Apostle? 773 00:28:16,076 --> 00:28:17,911 - Four hell points. - Four hell points. 774 00:28:17,952 --> 00:28:19,496 - What the fuck is a hell point? 775 00:28:19,537 --> 00:28:21,790 - It's how I determine which of my children, who I love, 776 00:28:21,831 --> 00:28:23,249 will be tortured forever. 777 00:28:23,291 --> 00:28:25,794 - Oh, God. 778 00:28:25,835 --> 00:28:28,546 Ugh, all right, all right, I'll-- 779 00:28:28,588 --> 00:28:30,090 I'll talk to him. 780 00:28:31,383 --> 00:28:32,801 - Usually a day or two in traction-- 781 00:28:32,842 --> 00:28:34,552 - Now, wait a minute, Frank, I'm the doctor here. 782 00:28:34,594 --> 00:28:36,471 - I thought I was the doctor here. 783 00:28:36,513 --> 00:28:37,931 - Actually, we're all doctors here. 784 00:28:37,972 --> 00:28:39,349 Even the patient's a doctor here. 785 00:28:39,391 --> 00:28:41,226 - Hear, hear. 786 00:28:41,267 --> 00:28:43,520 - Will you clowns act like professionals? 787 00:28:43,561 --> 00:28:44,771 - All right, I got one for you. 788 00:28:44,813 --> 00:28:46,690 So an airplane's about to crash, right? 789 00:28:46,731 --> 00:28:49,567 A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and yells, 790 00:28:49,609 --> 00:28:50,777 we're all gonna die! 791 00:28:50,819 --> 00:28:52,654 Someone make me feel like a real woman! 792 00:28:52,696 --> 00:28:54,614 The guy sitting next to her takes off his shirt, 793 00:28:54,656 --> 00:28:56,574 and he says, here, iron this. 794 00:28:56,616 --> 00:28:58,910 - [cackles] - Right? 795 00:28:58,952 --> 00:29:00,912 Yeah, right. - That's a good one. 796 00:29:00,954 --> 00:29:03,415 - Yeah, see, that's how it's gonna be down here. 797 00:29:03,456 --> 00:29:06,251 Just you and me and jokes about chicks doing chores. 798 00:29:06,292 --> 00:29:07,544 - Matty? 799 00:29:07,585 --> 00:29:10,588 - Oh, boy, here comes Raggedy Lesbi-Ann. 800 00:29:10,630 --> 00:29:13,717 - [sighs] Dennis, I'd like to talk to my uncle. 801 00:29:13,758 --> 00:29:14,926 Can you give us a second? 802 00:29:14,968 --> 00:29:16,761 - Hey, anything you want to say to me, 803 00:29:16,803 --> 00:29:18,471 you can say in front of Dennis here. 804 00:29:18,513 --> 00:29:21,057 - [sighs] Fine. 805 00:29:22,517 --> 00:29:26,813 Look, I don't expect us to agree on politics, all right? 806 00:29:26,855 --> 00:29:28,940 That's just never gonna happen. 807 00:29:28,982 --> 00:29:31,568 But this isn't about politics. 808 00:29:31,609 --> 00:29:33,486 This is about who I am. 809 00:29:36,656 --> 00:29:38,825 Matty... 810 00:29:38,867 --> 00:29:41,786 like it or not, we're family. 811 00:29:41,828 --> 00:29:43,288 I don't talk to my parents anymore, 812 00:29:43,329 --> 00:29:45,790 so you and Aunt Suze are all I've got. 813 00:29:45,832 --> 00:29:48,251 I don't want to lose you too. 814 00:29:48,293 --> 00:29:50,503 I'm your niece, and I just-- 815 00:29:54,090 --> 00:29:56,176 I just think it's really fucking shitty 816 00:29:56,217 --> 00:29:59,596 and unfair that you can't accept me for who I am. 817 00:29:59,637 --> 00:30:03,016 - Hey, it's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve. 818 00:30:04,184 --> 00:30:06,061 - So all the fucked-up things that he says, 819 00:30:06,102 --> 00:30:08,688 is that really what you think too? 820 00:30:09,522 --> 00:30:12,275 - Don't back down, Matty. This is your house. 821 00:30:14,819 --> 00:30:16,738 - Well, then I guess you're an intolerant prick, 822 00:30:16,780 --> 00:30:18,615 just like he is. 823 00:30:18,656 --> 00:30:20,909 Have a good Christmas with truck Hitler. 824 00:30:20,950 --> 00:30:22,202 I'm out of here. 825 00:30:26,122 --> 00:30:27,791 - Jesus, they always bring up Hitler 826 00:30:27,832 --> 00:30:29,376 when they're losing an argument. 827 00:30:29,417 --> 00:30:32,045 And by the way, not everything he did was-- 828 00:30:32,087 --> 00:30:33,797 - I need another beer. 829 00:30:33,838 --> 00:30:35,590 - Why didn't you tell her off? 830 00:30:35,632 --> 00:30:37,509 - What the hell was I supposed to say? 831 00:30:37,550 --> 00:30:40,095 - You remind her who pays the bills around here. 832 00:30:40,136 --> 00:30:42,180 You tell her to stop giving God the finger. 833 00:30:42,222 --> 00:30:44,015 - Ah. You don't know nothing. 834 00:30:44,057 --> 00:30:45,350 - Oh, no shit? 835 00:30:45,392 --> 00:30:47,811 Well, now I see why Johnny's the way he is. 836 00:30:47,852 --> 00:30:49,396 - What do you mean? 837 00:30:49,437 --> 00:30:50,772 - Your son is 16. 838 00:30:50,814 --> 00:30:52,774 He ain't got a girlfriend. He doesn't play sports. 839 00:30:52,816 --> 00:30:54,859 He spends all of his time in his room with a teddy bear 840 00:30:54,901 --> 00:30:56,319 doing fuck knows what. 841 00:30:56,361 --> 00:30:57,904 For all you know, he's minty. 842 00:30:57,946 --> 00:30:59,030 - Minty? 843 00:30:59,072 --> 00:31:00,365 What the fuck is minty? 844 00:31:00,407 --> 00:31:02,784 - You know, he's trimming the crust off the bread. 845 00:31:02,826 --> 00:31:03,868 - What? 846 00:31:03,910 --> 00:31:05,120 - He's raking his leaves at night. 847 00:31:05,161 --> 00:31:06,871 He ain't throwing away all his peach pits, 848 00:31:06,913 --> 00:31:07,956 if you know what I'm saying. 849 00:31:07,997 --> 00:31:09,374 - I don't have a fucking clue. 850 00:31:09,416 --> 00:31:11,710 - He's picking his eggshells out of the compost. 851 00:31:11,751 --> 00:31:12,919 Come on, you know what I mean. 852 00:31:12,961 --> 00:31:14,379 Your kid's a cheese puncher. 853 00:31:14,421 --> 00:31:17,340 - Hey, don't talk to me about my son, you asshole! 854 00:31:17,382 --> 00:31:19,259 - Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, I'm the only one in this house 855 00:31:19,300 --> 00:31:20,802 who doesn't lie to you. 856 00:31:20,844 --> 00:31:23,930 [indistinct chatter over TV] 857 00:31:28,184 --> 00:31:29,602 - I know what I'm gonna do. 858 00:31:29,644 --> 00:31:30,562 - Great. Let's go. 859 00:31:30,603 --> 00:31:31,646 - You stay here. 860 00:31:35,442 --> 00:31:38,069 - Hey, can you change the channel to the game? 861 00:31:41,156 --> 00:31:42,782 Ah, look at this. 862 00:31:42,824 --> 00:31:44,367 Fucking Clinton. 863 00:31:46,828 --> 00:31:48,747 - You guys in separate beds? 864 00:31:48,788 --> 00:31:49,748 - Yeah. 865 00:31:49,789 --> 00:31:51,041 - Good. 866 00:32:09,392 --> 00:32:11,478 [sighs] 867 00:32:20,236 --> 00:32:21,654 [engine grinding] 868 00:32:36,461 --> 00:32:37,587 - What? 869 00:32:42,717 --> 00:32:45,261 - I grew up different. 870 00:32:48,556 --> 00:32:50,308 I'm-- 871 00:32:50,350 --> 00:32:53,144 but I'm not one of those guys. 872 00:32:54,854 --> 00:32:58,900 I mean, I don't understand how you can do what you do... 873 00:32:58,942 --> 00:33:01,361 - OK. - But--but--but... 874 00:33:06,616 --> 00:33:11,037 I don't want you to feel unwelcome in my house. 875 00:33:12,122 --> 00:33:13,665 - Uh-huh. 876 00:33:16,126 --> 00:33:18,211 - I'm not great with this stuff. 877 00:33:19,587 --> 00:33:21,464 But... 878 00:33:22,549 --> 00:33:24,968 It's good that you're here-- 879 00:33:25,010 --> 00:33:26,386 for John. 880 00:33:27,554 --> 00:33:29,222 - Sure. 881 00:33:31,016 --> 00:33:35,186 - The other day, I farted, and he said it was pungent. 882 00:33:35,228 --> 00:33:38,189 And I guess that's a word. 883 00:33:38,231 --> 00:33:41,526 So he's learning stuff 884 00:33:41,568 --> 00:33:43,069 with you around. 885 00:33:48,616 --> 00:33:51,202 And Christmas is just a whole thing for Susan too. 886 00:33:51,244 --> 00:33:54,330 So yeah, she wants you here. 887 00:34:01,463 --> 00:34:03,506 And I-- 888 00:34:03,548 --> 00:34:06,634 I don't want to be a shitty uncle. 889 00:34:06,676 --> 00:34:08,428 I'm sorry. 890 00:34:16,686 --> 00:34:20,565 - I'm not the only one you disrespected. 891 00:34:25,111 --> 00:34:27,238 - Sarah... 892 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,616 you're invited to Christmas. 893 00:34:31,326 --> 00:34:34,245 And I'm sorry that I called you a terrorist. 894 00:34:34,287 --> 00:34:37,582 - You--you never called me that. 895 00:34:37,624 --> 00:34:39,876 - Oh, that's right. You were out of the room. 896 00:34:39,918 --> 00:34:41,836 - [sighs] 897 00:34:41,878 --> 00:34:43,630 Well, what about Dennis? 898 00:34:49,886 --> 00:34:51,721 - I guess he's got to go. 899 00:34:54,307 --> 00:34:56,768 - Son of a bitch. 900 00:35:03,566 --> 00:35:04,567 - Hey. 901 00:35:04,609 --> 00:35:05,819 Dennis? 902 00:35:07,195 --> 00:35:08,780 [shouts] 903 00:35:08,822 --> 00:35:10,073 [grunts] 904 00:35:10,115 --> 00:35:11,783 [yells] 905 00:35:11,825 --> 00:35:13,284 - I'm the one you're gonna get rid of, 906 00:35:13,326 --> 00:35:14,744 you piece-of-shit fuck face? 907 00:35:14,786 --> 00:35:17,622 - Jesus, what the fuck are you trying to do, kill me? 908 00:35:17,664 --> 00:35:20,417 - I come to life for you, and this is the thanks I get? 909 00:35:20,458 --> 00:35:21,876 Huh? - [grunts] 910 00:35:21,918 --> 00:35:24,129 - What have you got to say for yourself? 911 00:35:24,170 --> 00:35:26,047 - I don't want to kick you out, Dennis, 912 00:35:26,089 --> 00:35:27,424 but my family comes first! 913 00:35:27,465 --> 00:35:29,634 - Oh, come the fuck on. 914 00:35:30,301 --> 00:35:32,512 - It ain't worked out with you the way I thought it would. 915 00:35:32,554 --> 00:35:35,473 - I backed you up every time, just like you wanted. 916 00:35:35,515 --> 00:35:38,018 - I didn't want to make my niece cry, for God's sakes. 917 00:35:38,059 --> 00:35:39,394 Why you got to be such a prick? 918 00:35:39,436 --> 00:35:41,062 - Oh, what, so now you're on her side? 919 00:35:41,104 --> 00:35:42,647 - I'm not on anybody's side. 920 00:35:42,689 --> 00:35:46,443 But...she's not hurting anybody, God damn it. 921 00:35:46,484 --> 00:35:47,986 - It's hurting society. 922 00:35:48,028 --> 00:35:50,989 This is why Kennedy blew his own brains out in Dallas. 923 00:35:51,031 --> 00:35:52,198 - What the fuck? 924 00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:53,491 - Oh, don't be naive. 925 00:35:53,533 --> 00:35:54,743 - What the hell is your problem? 926 00:35:54,784 --> 00:35:56,578 - Oh, oh, I'm the one with the problem? 927 00:35:56,619 --> 00:35:58,663 - Yeah. Why the fuck are you digging in like this? 928 00:35:58,705 --> 00:36:00,457 I want to know. - You want to know why, Matty? 929 00:36:00,498 --> 00:36:01,750 - Yeah. - You want to know why? 930 00:36:01,791 --> 00:36:02,751 - Why? 931 00:36:02,792 --> 00:36:04,794 - Because I have thoughts of men! 932 00:36:11,259 --> 00:36:12,385 - What? 933 00:36:12,427 --> 00:36:15,347 - I have thoughts of men. 934 00:36:16,348 --> 00:36:18,183 Sexual thoughts. 935 00:36:18,224 --> 00:36:21,311 I want to do to men 936 00:36:21,353 --> 00:36:23,563 what you want to do to women. 937 00:36:25,774 --> 00:36:28,360 - You're saying-- - I'm gay, Matty. 938 00:36:29,277 --> 00:36:30,653 I'm gay. 939 00:36:32,822 --> 00:36:33,990 - Oh. 940 00:36:34,032 --> 00:36:36,534 - God, I-- 941 00:36:36,576 --> 00:36:38,578 I can't believe I just said it. 942 00:36:39,412 --> 00:36:42,207 - Uh-- - Ah, shit! 943 00:36:42,248 --> 00:36:44,376 What the fuck have I been doing? 944 00:36:44,417 --> 00:36:47,087 I've wasted my whole goddamn life, 945 00:36:47,128 --> 00:36:50,340 three days down the drain, 946 00:36:50,382 --> 00:36:53,259 and I've never allowed myself to love. 947 00:36:53,301 --> 00:36:54,678 [sobs, sniffles] 948 00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:56,846 - Well, I mean... - [sobbing] 949 00:36:56,888 --> 00:36:57,889 You could always-- 950 00:36:57,931 --> 00:36:59,432 - Ah, it's too late now. 951 00:36:59,474 --> 00:37:01,685 I'm old and I'm rusty. 952 00:37:01,726 --> 00:37:03,687 I don't know what to do, Matty. 953 00:37:03,728 --> 00:37:07,273 I don't know what to do or who to be or how to be it. 954 00:37:07,315 --> 00:37:10,443 [sobbing] 955 00:37:11,611 --> 00:37:13,279 Oh, God. 956 00:37:15,073 --> 00:37:16,408 - When I was a kid... 957 00:37:16,449 --> 00:37:18,159 [dramatic music] 958 00:37:18,201 --> 00:37:19,786 You were always there for me. 959 00:37:19,828 --> 00:37:21,579 * * 960 00:37:21,621 --> 00:37:23,748 Well, I'm gonna be there for you. 961 00:37:23,790 --> 00:37:27,127 - [sobbing] 962 00:37:27,168 --> 00:37:34,300 * * 963 00:37:39,931 --> 00:37:42,142 - I love you, pal. 964 00:37:42,183 --> 00:37:45,520 - [sobbing] 965 00:37:45,562 --> 00:37:52,402 * * 966 00:37:52,444 --> 00:37:54,237 - So I guess this is it. 967 00:37:54,279 --> 00:37:55,780 - Yeah. 968 00:37:55,822 --> 00:37:57,157 - Thanks, Dennis. 969 00:37:57,198 --> 00:37:59,242 - For what? 970 00:37:59,284 --> 00:38:01,494 - All those years growing up. 971 00:38:02,662 --> 00:38:04,581 Mom and Dad fighting in the other room. 972 00:38:04,622 --> 00:38:06,833 Hell, fighting in the same room. 973 00:38:08,376 --> 00:38:10,712 Playing with you was what got me through it. 974 00:38:10,754 --> 00:38:11,838 - Nuh-uh. 975 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,716 Thank you, Matty, for being who you are. 976 00:38:14,758 --> 00:38:16,634 I don't think there's a more tolerant man 977 00:38:16,676 --> 00:38:18,345 in the greater Boston area. 978 00:38:18,386 --> 00:38:20,555 - That's probably true. 979 00:38:20,597 --> 00:38:22,640 - You sure you don't want a sweater, Dennis? 980 00:38:22,682 --> 00:38:24,684 - No, no. I work hard on my body. 981 00:38:24,726 --> 00:38:26,144 I want everyone to see it. 982 00:38:26,186 --> 00:38:27,520 - So where you gonna go? 983 00:38:27,562 --> 00:38:28,813 - I'm going to P-Town. 984 00:38:28,855 --> 00:38:30,440 Got a lot of catching up to do. 985 00:38:30,482 --> 00:38:33,109 Gonna be wild, nonstop sucking, fucking, 986 00:38:33,151 --> 00:38:34,569 and trucking for this guy. 987 00:38:35,445 --> 00:38:37,072 Goodbye, Bennetts. 988 00:38:37,113 --> 00:38:40,033 [uplifting music] 989 00:38:40,075 --> 00:38:47,040 * * 990 00:38:55,131 --> 00:38:57,717 - Well, I Jesus-ed the shit out of that one. 991 00:38:57,759 --> 00:38:58,635 - You? 992 00:38:58,677 --> 00:38:59,803 You didn't do anything. 993 00:38:59,844 --> 00:39:02,055 - Eh, I worked in mysterious ways. 994 00:39:02,097 --> 00:39:03,306 - How? 995 00:39:03,348 --> 00:39:05,266 - Where there was only one set of footprints, 996 00:39:05,308 --> 00:39:06,643 that's where I carried you. 997 00:39:06,685 --> 00:39:08,978 - You watched 18 hours of TV yesterday. 998 00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:10,063 You barely moved. 999 00:39:10,105 --> 00:39:12,399 - When it most appears I'm not Jesus, 1000 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:13,900 that's when you need faith. 1001 00:39:13,942 --> 00:39:16,403 - Ted, you do know what happened to Jesus, right? 1002 00:39:16,444 --> 00:39:18,363 - Yeah, he gave back the Gobstopper, 1003 00:39:18,405 --> 00:39:19,864 and they gave him the chocolate factory. 1004 00:39:19,906 --> 00:39:21,032 I mean, I think that's what happened. 1005 00:39:21,074 --> 00:39:22,784 I'm reading, like, two books at once. 1006 00:39:22,826 --> 00:39:25,453 - They nailed him to the cross and crucified him for our sins. 1007 00:39:25,495 --> 00:39:26,496 - Wait, what? 1008 00:39:26,538 --> 00:39:27,706 - It was so nice of him 1009 00:39:27,747 --> 00:39:30,291 to let them do that for us, wasn't it? 1010 00:39:30,333 --> 00:39:32,001 - They killed him? - Yeah. 1011 00:39:32,043 --> 00:39:34,295 - Oh, shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm out. 1012 00:39:34,337 --> 00:39:36,089 Wait, maybe I'm Buddha. 1013 00:39:36,131 --> 00:39:37,799 Buddha was lazy, right? 1014 00:39:37,841 --> 00:39:39,300 - * Sleigh bells ring * 1015 00:39:39,342 --> 00:39:40,844 - This is a lot of good shit. 1016 00:39:40,885 --> 00:39:42,721 Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. 1017 00:39:42,762 --> 00:39:44,806 - Oh, you're welcome, John-John. 1018 00:39:44,848 --> 00:39:46,224 - Hey, thanks for this, Johnny. 1019 00:39:46,266 --> 00:39:47,517 I been wanting a Talkboy. 1020 00:39:47,559 --> 00:39:50,103 Now I can record all my thoughts. 1021 00:39:50,145 --> 00:39:51,980 Douche. 1022 00:39:52,022 --> 00:39:53,148 Douche. 1023 00:39:53,189 --> 00:39:54,607 Now I won't forget. 1024 00:39:54,649 --> 00:39:57,318 - Blaire, open that one up. That one's from me. 1025 00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:01,114 - * Walking in a winter wonderland * 1026 00:40:01,156 --> 00:40:02,574 - Gingerly. 1027 00:40:02,615 --> 00:40:07,620 - * Gone away is the bluebird * 1028 00:40:07,662 --> 00:40:09,873 - Oh...wow. 1029 00:40:09,914 --> 00:40:11,583 - I know how much you girls love 1030 00:40:11,624 --> 00:40:15,045 those "Beverly Hills 90210" boys. 1031 00:40:15,086 --> 00:40:16,963 - Ian Ziering. 1032 00:40:17,005 --> 00:40:18,673 Thank you. 1033 00:40:18,715 --> 00:40:19,841 - It's for your room. 1034 00:40:19,883 --> 00:40:21,760 - Yeah, no, I know what it's for. 1035 00:40:21,801 --> 00:40:23,511 Thank you, Aunt Suze. 1036 00:40:23,553 --> 00:40:25,263 - Should we go hang it up right now? 1037 00:40:25,305 --> 00:40:27,807 - Oh, you know what? 1038 00:40:27,849 --> 00:40:29,142 I want to think really hard 1039 00:40:29,184 --> 00:40:30,769 about where I want to put it, you know? 1040 00:40:30,810 --> 00:40:32,228 - OK. - It's just too special, so... 1041 00:40:32,270 --> 00:40:33,605 - All right. 1042 00:40:33,646 --> 00:40:34,773 - You happy, Susan? 1043 00:40:34,814 --> 00:40:37,275 - Oh, Matty, I'm so happy. I love it. 1044 00:40:37,317 --> 00:40:40,445 - Yeah, they said this one had the most sucking power. 1045 00:40:40,487 --> 00:40:42,614 - I'm sure it sucks wonderfully. 1046 00:40:42,655 --> 00:40:44,324 [laughter] 1047 00:40:44,366 --> 00:40:46,576 - Oh, you know what? 1048 00:40:46,618 --> 00:40:49,037 I almost forgot. 1049 00:40:49,079 --> 00:40:50,038 There's one more. 1050 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:53,666 - * When you're in town * 1051 00:40:53,708 --> 00:40:59,422 * Later on, we'll conspire * 1052 00:40:59,464 --> 00:41:01,132 * As we dream * 1053 00:41:01,174 --> 00:41:02,592 - Merry Christmas, Susan. 1054 00:41:02,634 --> 00:41:06,471 - * By the fire * 1055 00:41:06,513 --> 00:41:12,977 * To face unafraid the plans that we made * 1056 00:41:13,019 --> 00:41:17,315 * Walking in a winter wonderland * 1057 00:41:17,357 --> 00:41:19,109 - [gasps] 1058 00:41:19,150 --> 00:41:21,111 * * 1059 00:41:21,152 --> 00:41:23,822 - A karaoke machine! 1060 00:41:23,863 --> 00:41:27,659 - Yeah, I figured you could sing... 1061 00:41:27,701 --> 00:41:30,328 you know, your solo. 1062 00:41:30,370 --> 00:41:32,163 * * 1063 00:41:32,205 --> 00:41:34,666 - I love you so much. 1064 00:41:34,708 --> 00:41:38,002 Oh, honey, thank you. 1065 00:41:38,044 --> 00:41:39,295 Oh. 1066 00:41:39,337 --> 00:41:42,257 ["Silent Night" playing] 1067 00:41:42,298 --> 00:41:48,179 * * 1068 00:41:48,221 --> 00:41:52,642 * Silent night * 1069 00:41:52,684 --> 00:41:57,272 * Holy night * 1070 00:41:57,313 --> 00:42:01,651 * All is calm * 1071 00:42:01,693 --> 00:42:05,989 * All is bright * 1072 00:42:06,031 --> 00:42:10,660 * Round yon virgin * 1073 00:42:10,702 --> 00:42:15,248 * Mother and child * 1074 00:42:15,290 --> 00:42:18,877 * Holy infant * 1075 00:42:18,918 --> 00:42:24,049 * So tender and mild * 1076 00:42:24,090 --> 00:42:28,720 * Sleep in heavenly * 1077 00:42:28,762 --> 00:42:33,224 * Peace * 1078 00:42:33,266 --> 00:42:34,809 * Sleep * 1079 00:42:34,851 --> 00:42:41,441 * In heavenly peace * 1080 00:42:42,150 --> 00:42:44,736 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 1081 00:42:44,778 --> 00:42:49,074 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 1082 00:42:49,115 --> 00:42:52,327 * And yet, alas, that someone adores you * 1083 00:42:52,369 --> 00:42:53,912 * * 1084 00:42:53,953 --> 00:42:57,624 * Everybody needs a best friend * 1085 00:42:57,665 --> 00:43:00,377 * I'm happy I'm yours * 1086 00:43:00,418 --> 00:43:03,672 * I'm just a clown * 1087 00:43:03,713 --> 00:43:07,092 * And I'll bring you down * 1088 00:43:07,133 --> 00:43:13,390 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 1089 00:43:13,431 --> 00:43:15,225 * Best friend is me * 1090 00:43:15,266 --> 00:43:22,190 * *