[upbeat saxophone music]
- How's Churro looking, Dr. Pocha?
Does she have a hearing problem,
or is she a mean girl playing mind games?
- Let's test it out
with a basic canine auditory assessment.
Hey, Churro, can you hear me?
Kidding.
I did a cochlear exam earlier,
and Churro has hearing loss because she's an old woman.
- Nana says it's not polite to discuss a lady's age,
unless she's a sucia.
Then all bets are off.
- I knew she wasn't a puppy,
but seven seems too young for hearing loss.
- It is, but 15 is right on track.
- She's 15?
That's the most important year in a young Latina dog's life.
We should throw her a quinceañera.
- Yes, like my friend Seymour Bloom
threw his schnauzer a bark-mitzvah.
The gefilte fish was to die for.
- It will be so fun.
We can rent a venue, choreograph dances,
and put Churro in a poofy dress with four tiny high heels.
- That all sounds so crazy.
- Not if we put it on TikTok.
It will be good publicity for the vet's office.
- I love crazy.
- We could even partner with East LA Shelter
and feature dogs that need to be adopted.
- It will be a night Churro will never forget.
Hear that, Churro?
Oh, right, you can't.
Oy vey.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Ooh, nice cake.
- Don't--don't eat that.
This is for the dogs at Churro's quinces.
- If loving pig snout is wrong, I don't want to be right.
I'm excited about the party.
I just got the invitation. It's my first one.
- Oh, it's your first quinces?
- No, my first invitation.
- You bringing anyone? You get a plus-one.
- Oh, cool. I'll bring George.
- He's already going.
- You asked him first.
- No, I'm going with Mayan.
- So he turned you down, huh? [laughs]
- Oscar, normal people do not want to spend
every waking moment with George.
Don't you want to branch out, you know,
like, find a date?
- But who?
I haven't had a girlfriend since...
the day I met George.
- Why don't you let me help you find someone?
My friends say I'm a white "hitch."
- You might be hearing that wrong.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- You're throwing the dog a quinceañera?
You already cook for it,
kiss it, let it sleep in your bed.
What's next, you gonna send it to a liberal arts college?
- A quince is a big step up, Mayan,
for a dog that was found in a porta-potty.
- The whole point is to promote the clinic,
find homes for strays, and end the night
before the guests start humping each other.
- Don't tell me how to party, Mayan.
- I can't believe you're this excited about a quinces.
When you were 15, you refused to have one.
- Yeah, you said, "Ew, it's, like,
a total patriarchal event, so off fleek."
- It's for a good cause.
And if we're gonna find these shelter dogs homes,
this quinces needs to be big and flashy,
so I need all of us to pitch in as a family.
- Fine. I'll help.
It will probably be the closest I get to planning a wedding.
- Great, so you two are gonna work together
on music and decorations.
I want a female mariachi band
who know Rihanna's entire catalog off book.
- They have female mariachis?
What do their grito sound like?
"Ayyy, put that toilet seat down"
- We wouldn't have to say it if you would do it.
- Well, I we wouldn't have to do it
if you would just stand up.
- Hey, there's no time for your bickering.
We have a lot to do.
- Oh, Mayan,
these decorations seem a little over-the-top for dogs.
Maybe if we could be simple, we can have--
- A daughter who knows exactly what
she wants this quinces to be,
and no one should dare to question her?
- Sure.
She's being so extra.
- This is textbook "está loca."
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Churro's grandparents are working together
to make sure her quinces is a magical night
for all our adoptable dogs.
- I'm gonna put your father up for adoption.
- [high pitched] Adopt me. I'm mostly housebroken.
- And if you want more of this, come to the quinceañera.
Or any day of my childhood.
What's the problem?
You were supposed to finish that arch an hour ago.
- He's not helping.
He's sucking the air out of the balloons.
You want to deflate something?
Why don't you start with your giant head?
- [high pitched] Cálmate, bruja.
- Oh, that voice stopped being funny 20 balloons ago.
- And that voice stopped being pleasant 20 years ago.
- It's fine.
Quinten and I will handle the balloons.
Did you guys meet with the mariachi band?
- Yes, The Mariachi-chis.
They're beautiful, talented,
and they even have a chihuahua that plays a tiny guitar.
- Great. So you booked them?
- Negative.
Your mom wanted to pay them less
because they're female.
Gross.
- It's wrong, but why should everyone benefit except for me?
I didn't invent America.
- I had it all set up, but, of course,
she had to take over like she always does,
and now none of us get to spend Saturday night
with six loud women and a funny dog.
- Oh, see, that's what he always does.
He treats everything like a joke.
And no one is laughing, payaso.
- Well, I'm no one, and I am.
- Okay, okay, everyone take a deep breath.
Not of helium.
This quinces is very important to Churro.
So I'll call and smooth things over with the Mariachi-chis.
And we still need to make 30 more centerpieces.
So, Mom, go in that corner and make 15.
Dad, go in that corner and make two.
- I'll fix his two once he slips into a helium coma.
- Mayan, look. I'm a Mariachi-chi.
- [laughs]
[upbeat saxophone music]
- All right, Tom, let's go flush Jerry out of your molars.
- When you said you wanted to meet somewhere
with a lot of single women, I thought you meant a bar
or a funeral home.
- No better place than cat day at the clinic
to meet lonely women.
- Hey, a cat is a great companion.
And it won't sleep with your friend
when you go to Austin for a weekend.
- Let's give you the lowdown
on some of these eligible bachelorettes.
Brookie? - Yeah.
That's Sharon.
She's a successful businessperson
who designs high-end beanies.
- Wow, I don't think so.
- Okay, Annabelle over there was runner-up in the '97
Miss Mary Jane pageant,
and now she has her own line of beard-friendly bongs.
- Cool.
Yeah, no.
- Damn.
You are picky for a scrub.
What about--oh, Jupiter?
She's a triple-jointed yoga instructor
who teaches sex marathon workshops.
- Pass.
- This man ain't right.
All of these women are great options.
What is the problem?
I'm imagining us out on a date.
And I just don't think George would have a good time.
- Hey, you need to stop letting your life
revolve around George.
Like, don't worry about what he wants.
What do you want?
- I'm never gonna find anyone.
- Hey, you will.
And when you do, the connection will be undeniable.
You'll look into their eyes, and you'll know
that this is the person that you were meant to be with
until the end of time.
That's what happened with me and Mayan.
- I thought you knocked her up and were stuck together.
- That too.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Five, six, seven, eight, and turn.
[dog barks]
- Beautiful footwork, Penny.
Alfred, chills.
Bear, you're killing me.
- Great work, Gordo.
- Take five, everybody.
And don't eat any poop.
You've got to fit in those dresses.
- Okay, even though your grandparents
set us a little behind,
the balloon arch is done, the Mariachi-chis are booked.
I think we might actually pull this thing off.
- You missed, bruja!
[loud thump] Ay!
Okay, you got me that time.
- What is going on?
- Like they say,
never work with animals or grandparents.
- Seriously?
- She ruined the centerpiece that I made.
- He was doing it wrong.
- I have my own process.
- You were sniffing the glue.
- That's my process.
Hey, your centerpiece isn't better than the one I made.
- Oh, I'm gonna glue your fat mouth shut.
I'm gonna glue it shut. - Oh, ahh, ow!
- God, stop. Just stop arguing!
- She started it. - He started it.
- You know what, I should have never
asked you guys to do this.
I'm done. Forget the whole thing.
This quinces is canceled.
- Because of this?
[upbeat saxophone music]
- I can't believe Churro's quinces is canceled.
Do you know how hard it was to teach a pug the paso doble?
He has four left feet.
- I'm sorry, buddy. I'm upset too.
I made custom evening wear for ten dogs.
- I saw the dresses.
Yeah, maybe it's for the best.
- Quinten, you beautiful white bitch.
- Oh, thank you.
What did I do to deserve that?
- I used your advice, and it worked.
I met an amazing woman.
- See, when faced with a problem in life,
no matter how big and insurmountable,
the answer is always less George.
So tell me about the lucky girl.
- Her name is Gina,
and our connection was undeniable.
We were both at 7-Eleven at 3:00 a.m.
reaching for the same six-pack of Bud Light Clamato.
Our hands touched.
I mean, it was electric.
She was way out of my league, man.
I mean, I'm, like, a 7,
and she's, like, a 10, even more than a 10,
like, an 11, and I was thinking,
"Can a 7 and an 11 even be together?
Can they?"
And then I looked up, and I saw a sign, "7-Eleven."
And it was just meant to be, dude.
And then guess what.
We went home together and dry-humped.
- A greater love story has never been told.
Move over, "Titanic."
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- I mean, it's been a few hours.
You think Mayan's still mad?
- She was upset about a dog's birthday party.
I'm sure she's fine.
- [sobbing]
- Okay, she's not fine.
- [sobbing]
- Mayan, this breaks my heart.
You ordered McDonald's without me?
- Go away!
I can't believe you ruined another quinces.
- What do you mean by another?
- I only remember ruining this one.
How many other dog quinces have you thrown?
- I'm talking about my quinces ten years ago.
- Your quinces?
You didn't have one because you didn't want one.
- I said I didn't want one, but I did.
I lied.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't read minds.
And your father, well, he doesn't read anything.
- It was the year you guys were getting a divorce.
Why would I have a party when you guys couldn't even be
in the same room without screaming at each other?
- Oh, Mayan, I mean, the party wouldn't have been
more dramatic or louder than any other Latino party.
- I turned 15,
but without the pink decorations,
the lavender dress, and the mariachi band
playing "Diamonds" by Rihanna in español.
It was the first of many sacrifices
I would have to make after you guys separated.
- Mayan, I don't know how to say this,
but I believe it's pronounced "Rih-ah-na."
- Not now, borracho.
- I was so stupid to think that we could do this as a family.
The party's ruined. The dog adoption's ruined.
And I can't find my honey mustard.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- I've lost my appetite.
Mayan's tears made this bun soggy.
- Oh, seeing her cry really took me back
to when we first told her we were getting a divorce.
She was hurting so much.
- We all were.
Maybe we should have held it together better
in front of her.
Yeah, maybe we could have yelled at each other
in an empty parking lot
and not in Mayan's school parking lot
in front of all her friends.
- I mean, I've been trying to make amends with Mayan,
but I can't do that
unless I also make amends with you too.
- And I could stand to treat you better too
now that we're a family again.
- But you're still going home
to your place tonight, though, right?
- Yes.
Ay.
I feel terrible that we've ruined things today.
Do you think we can fix it?
- No, I don't.
That burger's been compromised.
Oh, you mean the thing with Mayan?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we gotta make that right.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- It's sad that we can't use all these dresses,
but I guess lucky that the church is throwing
a dog clothing drive.
- Yeah, I made that up.
You will believe anything when you're loopy on honey mustard.
both: Surprise!
- Oh, my God.
It's perfect.
You got everything I wanted.
How did you make this happen so fast?
- I did everything your mom told me to do.
- [high pitched] And we even had a little fun.
I had it altered and cleaned.
You shouldn't smell like ground beef around those dogs.
- Thank you.
- [chuckles]
It was a lot of work, Rosie, but it was well worth it...
just to see the smile on that chihuahua's face.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Welcome to Churro's quinces!
[cheers and applause]
- Sorry there's no churros or quesadillas,
but we spared no expense on dog water, so drink up.
[cheers and applause]
Now let's bring out the court.
Vámonos! [whistles]
[gentle music]
* *
- Everyone look adoptable.
Your life is on the line.
* *
- * Como diamante brillamos *
- It's happening, Churro.
We're finally becoming women.
* *
- * Hay luz reflejada en el mar *
* Tu alegría está en mí *
* Tú y yo, tú y yo *
* Como diamantes al brillar *
* Eres como un estrella fugaz *
- Oh, she's so beautiful.
- Will you stop focusing on Churro?
We finally figured out this is Mayan's day.
- * We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky *
[upbeat electronic music]
[dog barks]
* Shine bright like a diamond *
* Shining bright like a diamond *
* Beautiful like diamonds in the sky *
* Shine bright like a diamond *
* Shining bright like a diamond *
* Beautiful like diamonds in the sky *
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
- Sorry I haven't had time to meet your date.
I've been trying to stop these dogs
from desecrating the church, and I am failing miserably.
- I can't wait for you to meet Gina.
I don't know what it is,
but I feel like I've known her for years.
- That's great.
I'm glad you're finally moving on from George.
- What's up, fools? Hee-yah!
- Quinten, this is Gina.
Well, Georgina. She goes by Gina.
- It's nice to meet you, George...ina.
- The pleasure's all yours, Macklesnore!
[laughs]
- Isn't she great? - Yeah.
Hey, if you're happy, I'm happy.
I'm never gonna get that dry-humping story
out of my head.
- [clears throat]
We just want to thank everyone for coming to celebrate
the woman of the hour.
We're so proud of you.
- You're a great daughter, a loving partner,
and an amazing mother.
And every day when I look in your face,
I see so much of Rosie.
- You better still be talking about Mayan like I am.
We're sorry that our problems made you grow up so fast.
And we're glad that we are finally able
to give you the day you always wanted.
- We love you so much.
And we know that this day celebrates you
becoming a woman,
but you'll always be our little girl.
So, everyone, can we raise a glass
or a bowl?
To Churro! all: To Churro!
- If she could hear any of this,
she'd be crying too.
- Oh, Mayan. - Oh.
- Man, they really love that dog.
- It's a good thing you're cute, dummy.
[upbeat music]
- They're playing my song!
* *
Come on, man, what's with all these water bowls?
You have to have a beer back there somewhere.
- Here, I got you, homes.
- Thanks. You're here with Oscar, huh?
I hope you don't mind me saying,
but I think you're way out of his league.
- I know.
But he adores me.
And I adore letting him do everything for me.
[laughter]
- That's what's up.
- Hey, no beer in church.
both: I can never do nothing!
[upbeat saxophone music]