[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
Is the TV still broken?
If it wasn't, I'd be watching it.
You know what that means, Mayan.
Edward James Olmos Playhouse presents "Chicano Minds."
Action!
Hey!
[in New York accent] I'm just a regular pizza shop owner
who was havin' a coffee and a walk
when I found this body by the dumpster.
[toy squeaks]
Unlike your pizza, this body is fresh.
Oh, no, man!
The lawyers don't come in till after the commercial break.
You ruined Churro's favorite show.
Quinten was interviewing for a management position
at the Apple Store.
How did it go?
I didn't get the job because I'm too nice.
They don't think I will be assertive enough
with the employees.
Fuhgeddaboudit!
That is so unfair.
Sounds like we're not getting a new TV.
So without TV, what are we gonna do?
We have to actually talk to each other?
I'm gonna have to ask questions that I don't
want to know the answers to?
Like, hey Quinten, how was your day today?
Thank you for asking.
The stress of not getting the job
is actually weighing on me a lot.
You see? It's torture.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat saxophone music]
Guess who got a pumpkin sticker on his math test?
This guy.
You squashed it, Gordo.
Pumpkin sticker?
When I was in school, they only used
two letter grades, D and F.
Hey, secret handshake.
both: Shau!
I am such a cool mom.
I wish I had a pumpkin sticker.
I would give it to you right now.
I'm heeere.
My eeears.
Mayan, I bought you a little something,
even though you never get me anything,
because that's how selfless I am.
Wow.
Those are definitely heels.
Now that you're not working at the vet,
you can start dressing like a woman.
This is so nice of you, but I mostly wear sneakers.
I know.
They're making your feet fat.
You look like you're standing on two speed bumps.
I mean, if those patas get any wider,
you'll be able to stop traffic.
Remember when she was little, she'd run in the rain.
[imitating heavy footsteps]
Keep roasting her, Rosie,
'cause I got four hours of TV to fill
since Quinten failed our family.
Way to kick a guy when he's down.
What can I say? I love to kick.
I probably could have been a Rockette right there.
Ay!
Look. Ignore him.
We'll figure this out.
No, he's right.
This promotion was how I planned
to provide for my family.
So now I don't know what we're gonna do.
I do.
I'm gonna knock the nice right out of you.
I'm gonna take you to the most dangerous,
ruthless, cutthroat place in all of Los Angeles.
The Trader Joe's parking lot?
Okay, the second worst.
I'm gonna take you to the swap meet.
And while we're there, we're gonna buy
a discount TV, huh?
Who knew that when we let a gringo in the family
that he'd be the poor one?
You live with us.
They sell TVs at the swap meet?
What brands? - All of 'em.
Sham-sung,
So-Sony,
JV-si, JV-no.
The swap meet is a great idea.
Chance and I can get a stall and sell some of our things
to make some extra cash.
You can sell your entire closet
of visually unappealing garments.
Well, that should bring in $5, $6 right there.
[both laugh]
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
Oh, man.
Smell that?
The sweet smell of tamales, cologne,
decorative blankets from unlicensed movie characters.
There she is. That's Olga.
She sells the best TVs in the entire swap meet.
And they're all compatible with stolen cable.
Great. Let's go.
Wait. Wait.
We're not ready.
She won't sell to me because she knows
I drive such a hard bargain.
I thought it was because you hit it and quit it.
Yeah, that too.
Well, I am sure that I can get it from her.
I'm talking about the TV, to be clear.
No means no, okay?
And you're not gonna find anything better from here
to that guy over there selling birth certificates.
All right? So a-di-ós.
Hello, small business owner, the backbone of America.
How are you today?
I'm a single mom spending my weekend
in a 90-degree parking lot trying to feed my four kids.
How do you think I am?
It's nice to meet you too.
I--I would love to purchase one of your beautiful TVs.
How much is that 55-inch?
$500.
All I have is 300.
Okay, well, since you're being so polite--
Don't worry. You know what?
I'm gonna go get the other 200,
and I will be back in two shakes of a jiffy.
She said it was 500.
Can I borrow 200? - That's full price.
For 500 bucks, you can buy the whole swap meet!
Did you even try to negotiate?
No.
She's a single mom spending her weekend
in a 90-degree parking lot, trying to feed four kids.
Boy, that woman speaks fast.
You have to negotiate.
When a dude like you walks into the swap meet,
my people either see a mark or a narc.
My middle name is Mark.
Oh.
Apple is right. Maybe I am too soft.
Lucky for you,
the swap meet is where every man learns to get hard.
You have to learn to stand up for yourself, okay?
I have to trust that you'll be able to take care
of my daughter and my grandson and Churro
and Churro II when that time comes.
You got a point, George.
This is about more than the TV.
It is about providing for my family.
So I am all yours.
Make me hard.
Welcome to the George Lopez Swap Meet
School of Negotiating Bargaining School,
where you enter as a soft baby blanket,
and you leave as a rough, scratchy serape.
Olga's a tough negotiator, so let's start small,
otherwise she'll just tell you--
both: "A-di-ós."
Follow my lead.
Where's the vendor?
Bienvenidos.
Can I interest you in an airbrushed T-shirt
or perhaps this can of soup that is actually a bong?
[inhales]
Get me the shirt that says "That Bitch."
[clears throat]
How much will "That Bitch" run me?
$30.
That sounds reasonable.
What?
Wrong, man.
You want to feel the fabric.
Make the stank face.
Tu qieres que yo pague esto? Por esto?
Nunca!
Then you offer him five.
- Would you take five? - Five?
This is name-brand Calvin Clown.
Fifteen, man.
Okay. That sounds like that is--
God. Quit doing that!
Then you say, "I guess you don't want to eat today."
And walk away--
slow, so he has time to stop you.
All right.
I'll do it for five.
Then you grab the shirt, throw $3 at him,
and we run the hell out of here.
Good luck with your drag show.
Another sale.
Secret handshake.
both: Shau!
But why are you selling all the stuff Nana gave you?
Your nana and I have different tastes.
Mine is contemporary casual,
and hers is tacky.
Like, where am I even supposed to wear this,
to brunch with an Egyptian pharaoh?
I'm here.
Mom.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were at church.
I figured you needed a real saleswoman
to help sell those rags you wear,
and the priest agreed.
Wait.
Is this the zebra-print jumpsuit I got you?
And the tiger-print pants?
And the leopard-print wrap dress?
Yep, we're selling the whole zoo.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going on a safari.
Why are you selling all of the things I got you?
Do you not like them?
I was just saying how I was gonna wear
this beautiful belt to brunch.
If you won't tell me the truth, I know who will.
Chance!
Mommy thinks you're tacky.
Chance!
I can't lie to that woman.
She's got a direct line to Jesus and Santa.
Mayan Isabel Lopez,
I can't believe you've been lying
to me all of these years.
Thankfully, I'm young enough to have another daughter.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Looks like Quinten is finally getting
the hang of bargaining.
Quieres que pague esto? Por esto?
Nunca.
2 bucks. Take it or leave it.
It's your hat. Just take it.
I'm sorry.
I got this $10 hat for free.
Congratulations.
You got everything on my list for under 20 bucks.
You have leveled up from a Mark to a Marcos.
Marcos is a guy who provides for his family,
who smells like expired Aqua Velva
that he got for half price.
Yeah. So I got the hat,
the shirt, the wig,
the glasses,
the puka shell necklace.
I rocked some of those babies at Woodstock '99,
the real Woodstock.
Okay. Well, that's all I'm buying.
I am done taking advantage of hardworking people
who are just trying to make ends meet.
I want to take care of my family,
but not if it means hurting other people's families.
I thought you might say that.
That's why I had you buy me all that stuff on the list,
because sometimes you have to step outside who you are
and put on a wig to get what you want.
Olga won't sell to George,
but she will sell to Matteo McConaughey here.
[in surfer voice] All right. All right.
All right.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Please don't do this, George.
Olga has been through enough, having slept with you.
We didn't sleep together.
We made love.
Now watch the swap meet king do his thing.
Okay. Hey, listen.
If you're not gonna buy something,
quit blocking my stall.
Get to shopping or a-di-ós.
[in surfer voice] Oh, my God. Hi.
How much for this totally tubular flat screen?
$500, bitch.
What?
Wow, man. That's wild.
What, does it come with a concierge
to help you change the channel?
[high-pitched laughter]
One-hundy.
Yeah. One-hundy is not gonna feed my four kids
and little Flaco over there.
Oh, what an adorable puppy.
He's 21 today.
I'm gonna take him for a beer after work.
It's his birthday?
Oh, happy birthday, little Flaco.
Oh, he likes you, which means I like you.
Okay, I'll sell you that TV for 300 bucks.
Nunca.
We want this TV right here.
It's the end of the day.
So you can either carry this TV home
or you can carry my hundy and your fat dog.
Let's just take the $300 one, okay?
I can afford it. She makes a profit.
It's just as good.
It's 3 inches smaller.
Of course you'd think it'd be just as good.
Well, what do you say, lad-ay?
Fine. 100.
But only 'cause it seems like something
ain't right with you.
If being me is wrong, I don't want to be right.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Nana isn't answering her phone.
I shouldn't have lied to her.
It's always better to be honest.
I hate our secret handshake.
What?
I liked it when I was eight.
But now that I'm 8 1/2, it's cringe.
I can't believe you're saying this.
You said to be honest.
But it always looks like you're having so much fun.
You mean like this?
Shau!
It was fake.
[upbeat saxophone music]
I can't believe you got this TV for $100.
A deal this good-- maybe I really am that bitch.
I don't know how you can feel proud of this.
Olga only took your offer because she was desperate
to feed her starving children.
If they're eating as good as that dog, they'll be fine.
But you know what?
You just failed the George Lopez Swap Meet
School of Negotiating Bargaining School,
where nice guys finish last
and George Lopez finishes numero uno, baby!
You paid $100 for bricks, man.
Oh, how the mighty swap meet king has fallen.
Get out.
There's a note.
"I knew it was you, George Lopez."
"I'm much better at screwing you
than you are at screwing me."
Oh.
I guess Olga wasn't a fan of you finishing first.
Oh, I can't believe this.
You made me take advantage of people,
and all we have to show for it is a pile of bricks.
Wait a minute.
We made some good memories today.
I mean, that's not worth nothing.
No, George.
All you taught me was
to feel bad about being a good person.
You are just like my Apple Store boss.
You think that my kindness and empathy makes me weak.
But those are my strengths.
I am not a scratchy serape!
I am a proud baby blanket,
swaddling his family in comfort,
and you're an ass!
That's what I'm talking about right there!
What?
No!
Be devastated by my words!
This is the Quinten that's gonna get promoted.
Congratulations.
You graduated from the George Lopez Confidence School
of Building Ego School.
You're literally insane.
Am I?
[upbeat saxophone music]
I don't want to see your mom right now.
I'm giving her the silent treatment.
If I'm here, I'll be forced to criticize something.
Don't worry. She's not here right now.
But you know who is?
This fashionista!
You better work, Mommy.
I assume you're mocking me in that fabulous outfit
that accentuates your curves in all the right places.
I'm not mocking you.
I'm trying to apologize.
I should have told you the truth.
Chance did the same thing to me.
He hates our secret handshake.
Oh, Mayan.
I knew karma would be fast and swift.
Honey, it's natural to want
to share the things you love with your child.
That's how you bond.
So you bought me all those outfits
because you wanted to be close to me,
not because you think I have bad taste.
Two things can be true.
[upbeat saxophone music]
Mute the bricks. I got news.
I had a little sit-down with my boss at the Apple Store today,
and I let him know if they did not promote me,
I was gonna walk.
That's amazing.
Oh, unless they fired you.
No.
He said that was exactly the kind of confidence
he was hoping to see out of someone applying
for the management position.
And he gave me the job on the spot!
Yeah!
Confidence, you say?
And who, pray tell,
imbued you with such confidence?
Watch out. Oh.
Yes. I hate to admit it,
but I did learn something about negotiating
from you, George.
I'm proud of you, and so are your ancestors.
Right now, they're looking down on you,
and they're saying--
[in Irish accent] Look at that wee lad, Quinten.
Finally bringing home that we bit of pot of gold now.
[upbeat saxophone music]
♪ ♪
It's time for "The Real Housewives of East LA."
God broke the mold, the machine,
and the factory when he made me.
Don't act like you don't know.
I'm America's mijo.
I live in the back of a truck,
and this avocado is my dinner.
Look what the newest Apple Store manager
bought with his first paycheck.
Yep.
I went back to Olga, and she gave me a great deal
on a genuine Mitsu-beats-me.
Don't care. I'm watching my stories,
and they're about to fight.
Don't talk about my husband.
Girl, he won't be your husband for long.
- Ooh! - Ahh!
Don't make me slap the feeling
right out your face!
You know what? Let's set this thing up.