[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
[camera shutter clicks] - Ooh. [chuckles]
- Oh, no, did I miss the old people prom?
- We were taking engagement and publicity photos.
Rosie "La Reina's"Insurance is merging
with No Way Josué's Legal Services
to create a one-stop shop for pain and suffering.
- Once we're married,
we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Accidentes.
- Just so you know, I used to call myself Mr. Accidentes.
When we were pregnant with Mayan.
So maybe you should rename yourself
Mr. Esloppy Seconds.
Ha! - Hey!
- Ew.
- Why are you being so rude to Josué?
- Merging businesses?
Getting married after a few months?
Wait, did you get Josué pregnant?
- Dad, that is their business.
- Josué is part of my life now,
so I'd really like it if you tried bonding with him.
- Fine. I'll give it a shot.
Well, listen, let's call a truce, all right?
We never fight.
Like Churro and the neighbor's cat.
If we get mad at each other occasionally,
we'll pee on each other's stuff.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- There's just one little thing I want us all to do
before my engagement party here.
- Sure. - Name it.
- Anything you want, Nana.
- I'd like for all of us to go to church and confess our sins.
- No. - What?
- Can't we just make a donation?
- The house must be freed of sin before the party!
Jesus will be here.
Jesus Hernandez, the church's social media manager.
- Question.
If Nana's getting married for the second time,
why haven't you two been married once?
- I did what happened to my goldfish last week,
so you're up.
- [chuckles uncomfortably]
Gordo, do you remember when Grandpa sat on you
and it was cute for a minute,
but then you started suffocating?
That is what marriage is like.
- Marriage farts on your face?
- Yes.
- Marriage is right for some people.
But for us, it's just a piece of paper.
- Yeah.
- We're still going to be together forever.
- [sighs] You guys should think about it.
Getting farted on is really funny!
* *
- When you said golf. I thought you meant mini golf!
Where's the Sphinx? The Taj Mahal?
The giant shoe?
- I promise you're going to love this.
Let's start with your stance. All right.
- Uh. - Yeah.
[clears throat] Now spread your legs.
- Hey. - All right.
Now hit it.
- Do you want me to hit it, or are you trying to hit it?
- OK, swing.
[glass shattering]
- Uh, oh.
I broke the tail light of that golf cart.
- Never admit to guilt.
Who's to say that was your club, huh?
As I say on my billboards, no evidence, no crime.
- That also works in the moving business.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's no evidence
that that table ever had four legs."
[laughter]
- What are you doing here, mentiroso?
- I'm sorry.
I've been in AA, so I don't remember a lot of things.
- Ew. Not you.
Him.
- Uh, Valencia Santo Domingo, good to see you.
- After what you did to me last week?
Oy, eres un maldito guapo cochino sinverguenza.
Eres un desgraciado!
[spits]
- What is Valencia Santa Domingo talking about?
What happened last week?
- Oh, just another attorney. - Hmm.
- I want a big judgment against her client,
and some people are just sore losers.
It's hard for them to accept a lawyer
who's beautiful and smart.
I'm like "Legally Blonde."
- You sound legally full of caca.
- Oh.
- I've had a lot of women yell at me like that,
and it usually happens right before their pitbull Ernie
chases you across all the lanes of the freeway.
You two have history.
- Oh, no. - Mm.
- We've never dated.
No evidence, no crime.
Come on. Let's get a drink.
* *
- Oof. Hey.
- How did your golf date with Josué go?
- We had a lot in common. [chuckles]
- Hey, that's great.
- No, Mayan. That's not great. Have you met me?
In one afternoon,
Josué showed me he's capable of lying, cheating,
and holding a man too close.
- Your feelings for Mom
are making you see things that aren't there.
Last week, you tried to make her jealous, and now this.
- My gut is telling me
that Josué is rushing your mom into marriage
because he's hiding something.
- Your gut?
Your gut is the reason
I could hold my breath for three minutes.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, Mom is an amazing woman.
Of course, Josué would want to lock it down.
- Trust me, Mayan.
No man ever wants to lock it down.
Any man that wants to get married is sus.
- Leave it alone before you screw everything up.
You also have no proof that any of this is true.
- All right. What if I had proof?
- You don't.
This is all in your head,
which explains why there's so much of it.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
- God, I'm here!
Oh, hello, Father Ramirez.
Thank you for making time for my family of heathens.
- Who's first to face God's judgment?
Just kidding. [laughter]
But seriously, if you die without confessing your sins,
you'll burn for eternity in the bowels of the beast.
- Will you excuse me for a moment?
Hey.
- Ah, ah. - Hey.
- I am not doing this.
- What? Why?
- Just like you said about marriage.
Confession might be right for some people,
but not for me.
- [sighs]
Your nana wants you to confess,
so you're doing it.
- But Nana also wants you to be married.
- Start doing it! - Just go!
- Why are we in church?
When you said "confessions,"
I thought we were gonna go see Usher.
- I've been planning to get Josué to tell me
his dirty secrets, and you're gonna help me
expose that pretty little liar.
- I would love to help you,
but I'm more of a "Riverdale" guy, so...
* *
- I can't believe Chance keeps asking us
why we're not married.
I'd be willing to go second child
to just nip this in the bud.
[sighs]
- We could just get married.
- [laugh] Yeah, OK.
- [chuckling] Yeah. Married people are just dumb.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- How was it? Did you confess?
- Yes, but I held one thing in.
- Oh, what's that, Gordo?
- Pee! I really got to go!
- Oh, honey. OK.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
[knocks]
- [imitating woman] Father Ramirez,
the Vatican is on the line.
- This is probably a prank,
but Lord knows the one time I don't go, it won't be.
I will return in one moment, my son.
- And I'm back.
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
- I already did that.
- Great. Then we're done here.
Send in the next guy.
The handsome one who seems like he's hiding secrets,
possibly takes Ozempic.
- There is something that's been weighing on me.
- [groans]
- Mayan doesn't believe in marriage,
and I want to support her.
But I also really want to marry her.
I've wanted to for years.
I know that means that I will be legally bonded
to her crazy parents.
But I've grown to love them too.
- You have my blessing to propose.
Every Mexican family needs a gringo
to help them fill out government forms.
- [clears throat]
[knocks on door] Anybody there?
- Yeah. - I've heard enough!
Say three "Hail to the Chiefs" and beat it.
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
- Just one second. [phone beeps]
Go on, you son of-- I mean my son.
- Um, well, I have lied and betrayed the trust of someone
important in my life.
- I knew it!
I mean God knew it.
Continue loudly and in great detail.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Did this betrayal that you speak of
involve a woman that you know in the biblical sense?
- It does.
My fiancée Rosie, she thinks I'm someone I'm not.
- Yes! Yes!
- But the truth is...
I hate "The Great British Bake-Off."
- What?
- Oh, their accents are so annoying!
[British accent] "Oh, heavens,
"this crumpet has a soggy bottom.
Ugh!"
[normally] Thank you, Father.
I feel so much better now. Thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait!
- [sighs]
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
- Keep it short, and keep it clean.
- My son keeps asking me why I'm not married,
and I'm struggling to answer him honestly.
I don't want to tell him that it's all my dad's fault.
- What do you mean?
- He lied. He cheated.
He abandoned his family.
- The Lord wants me to ask you,
why do you got to bring up old stuff?
Isn't it possible that your dad has changed for the better?
- Not really.
He's sober now,
but he's still a screw-up who screws up everybody's lives.
- You really feel that way?
- Yes.
My mom has finally moved on,
and he's trying to ruin her relationship
because suddenly, he wants her back.
He's selfish.
Marriage messes people up, and it's messed me up,
and I don't want anything to do with it,
and neither does my partner.
- [imitates buzzer] Wrong!
Quentin just told me
he's always wanted to be married to you,
but you're why he won't propose, not me!
- Dad?
- I think you mean Father!
- What is going on?
And why were you in there?
- I thought there was a stairway to heaven.
- He's been listening to everyone's confessions.
- This is sacrilege. How could you, George?
- I had a good reason. [chuckles]
Mayan made me do it.
- What?
- You said I needed proof that Josué was sleazy.
I was getting proof.
- And what did you find?
- I didn't find anything,
except that my daughter thinks that I'm a screw-up.
But that doesn't mean I'm wrong about Josué.
I know cheaters.
Ask him about Valencia Santo Domingo.
- Yeah, I'll call Carmen Sandiego, too,
and find out where in the world your brain has gone!
You're a miserable person,
so you want everyone around you to be miserable too.
George, I don't want you at my party,
and I don't want you in my life.
[somber saxophone music]
[George sighs softly]
- George.
Is that beer? Are you drinking?
- It's near beer.
They were near my mouth.
- You relapsed.
I'm sorry, man. - Well, that's--well.
Mayan was right about me.
I'm a screw-up.
And I screw up the lives of everybody who around me.
Why bother being sober?
- So you screwed up.
Your heart was in the right place,
looking out for Rosie.
- Oh, but I hurt her, too. [sighs]
I can't have my family see me like this.
I can't.
- OK, you're gonna stay here, right?
I'm going to get you some food, and then...
I guess I'll find another vehicle to sleep in.
- Time for a toast to the mergers of our lives,
our businesses, and our smoking hot bodies.
- [chuckles]
- Before we sign the contract,
I have one more confession to make.
- Oh.
- George said something.
It got me thinking, and so I did a little digging.
- Oh, and where did you bury him?
- [laughs]
See?
You are so charming and funny
that I forgot to keep my guard up.
- There's no reason to keep your guard up with me, mi amor.
I have nothing to hide.
- I didn't find anything on the internet,
but if there's one thing George knows,
it's red flags.
So I spoke to Valencia Santo Domingo.
- I'm sorry, Rosie. I don't know who that is.
- It's a woman you slept with last week.
She wants me to give you a message.
"Canalla baboso ratero payaso!"
[spits]
You slept with her.
You stole from her.
And she didn't know that you are engaged.
Well, correction.
Were.
- OK, Rosie, let's talk about this.
You don't have to listen to her.
She's crazy.
- [chuckles] Oh.
Is Margarita Candelas also crazy?
And Yesenia Dontaña?
And Cheryl? - [gasps]
OK, did any of these women show you proof?
Because...
no evidence, no crime.
- If you don't leave my house right now,
I'm gonna show you a crime!
And I'm gonna make sure that there is no evidence!
- What--
- [sighs]
[somber saxophone music]
[upbeat saxophone music]
- I was looking for you.
What are you doing in here?
- I don't know,
but I woke up with this burger, so I'm eating it.
- Oh, my g--
are you drunk right now?
- No, I'm not.
And I don't appreciate the two of you ganging up on me!
- Oh, George, you've come so far.
I can't believe that you-- [hiccups]
- You only hiccup when you're wasted.
Are you drunk right now?
- No.
But the other me might be.
- Remember when we used to get drunk together?
- [chuckles]
- And I would make you laugh so you would hiccup?
- [hiccups]
- You still do it. - Oh! [laughs]
You were right.
Josué's a sleazeball.
[sighs]
You were never good at reading books
or traffic signs
or warning labels on pills.
But you have always been good
at reading other people.
[sighs]
- I'm so sorry, Rosie.
- I feel so stupid.
Why didn't I see the truth sooner?
- No, he charmed us all, even me.
He slapped my ass, and I didn't hate it.
- I appreciate you looking out for me.
- I'm always gonna look out for you.
And I'm sorry about the way that
I've been behaving these last few weeks.
It's because I still have feelings for you.
- You really have feelings for me?
- Mm-hmm.
- I just can't believe my dad was listening
to all of our confessions.
I said things to him that I would only say to a priest.
I feel really bad. He did not deserve that.
- Yeah, we should just, like,
totally forget that the day, like, ever happened, so...
- Quinten, Dad said that you've always wanted us to be married.
Is that true?
- I might have bought a ring
the day after you told me we were pregnant.
- Why didn't you ever tell me?
- Because I know marriage scares you.
- Well, yeah, it does. But you know why.
You live with why!
- And this is why I didn't want to put you in a position
where you felt forced to agree to something you didn't want.
So I kept the ring,
and I hoped that one day you might change your mind.
- But what if I never change my mind?
- I'll still be here.
And so will the ring.
Diamonds are forever. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- And so is the zirconia
I bought at Sears with my allowance.
- [laughs]
[upbeat saxophone music]
[both scream]