1 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:08,340 [upbeat saxophone music] 2 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:12,277 - ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 3 00:00:12,278 --> 00:00:16,348 all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 4 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:20,085 ♪ Happy birthday, dear George ♪ 5 00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,286 - A little louder! 6 00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:26,725 all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 7 00:00:26,726 --> 00:00:28,194 [dog howls] 8 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,399 - Yay! 9 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,235 Happy 63rd birthday, Dad. - Oh, thanks, Mayan. 10 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:38,804 This is my first sober birthday since I was 16. 11 00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:42,574 I started drinking late. 12 00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:45,477 - It's a miracle you still know when your birthday is. 13 00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:46,612 - I don't. 14 00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:49,448 I sing "Happy Birthday" every morning, just in case. 15 00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:53,452 But I'm gonna remember this year, so make it memorable. 16 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:54,454 Boop! 17 00:00:56,423 --> 00:01:00,492 - Well, we all chipped in to get you a little something. 18 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:03,163 - Gimme, gimme, gimme! Oh! 19 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,466 The hell is this? 20 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:10,669 - It's a shower chair for seniors. 21 00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,272 But anyone can use it. 22 00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:16,742 - You're always talking about how sleepy 23 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,278 you get in the shower. 24 00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:22,815 - Which is why I don't do it that often. 25 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:23,816 - Yeah, well the receipt's in the bag 26 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,417 if you wanna return it. 27 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:27,619 - So you're giving me an errand to run on my birthday? 28 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:28,620 Thank you. 29 00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:30,522 Maybe I can exchange it for some catheters. 30 00:01:30,523 --> 00:01:32,624 [phone dings] 31 00:01:32,625 --> 00:01:39,164 - Nana, you just missed a call from Cochino Number One. 32 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,633 But Grandpa's right here. 33 00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:46,171 - It's just my two-timing ex, Josué. 34 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,306 - Since he broke your nana's heart, 35 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:50,143 I'm now Cochino Number Two. 36 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,379 - Mom, why is he calling you? 37 00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:55,647 - They always come crawling back, Mayan. 38 00:01:55,648 --> 00:02:00,319 Usually because I kick them in the knees before they go. 39 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,854 - You're not getting back together with him, are you? 40 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,322 - No. 41 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,623 I am never speaking to him again. 42 00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,759 I am D-O-N-E. 43 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:10,730 - Are you spelling stuff so Grandpa won't understand? 44 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:13,932 - Who cares what she said? 45 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:17,503 Today is about M-I, me. 46 00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:19,805 Now in the words of Marie Antoinette, 47 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,207 [imitates French accent] Mayan, go on and slice the cake. 48 00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,244 Oh-ho. 49 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:27,980 - Chance, don't leave your skateboard 50 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,281 in the middle of the floor. 51 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,283 Someone could get hurt. - I got it. 52 00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:34,453 I used to skateboard drunk in my underwear. 53 00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,389 Everybody in the neighborhood would call me Chonie Hawk. 54 00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:40,593 I'd put my underwear like a thong to go faster. 55 00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:43,763 - Dad, watch out! 56 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,803 - Oh, my God! - Did you break anything? 57 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,405 - I got him. I don't got him. 58 00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:55,641 - I don't need any help. 59 00:02:55,642 --> 00:02:57,409 - We should get him to a doctor. 60 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:58,644 He might have broken his hip. 61 00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,979 - Oh! Mexico's four hours away. 62 00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:02,615 We don't have time for that. I'm fine. 63 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,255 [upbeat saxophone music] 64 00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:17,364 ♪ ♪ 65 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,504 So I skateboarded into the kitchen, 66 00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:28,307 {\an8}crashed face-first into my birthday cake, 67 00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:31,477 {\an8}then fell flat on my pompis. 68 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,713 {\an8}- They didn't laugh? What is wrong with them? 69 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,583 {\an8}- I mean, I've fallen into ditches, toilets, 70 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,320 {\an8}the fountains at the Bellagio. 71 00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:42,621 {\an8}They always laughed. 72 00:03:42,622 --> 00:03:45,758 {\an8}- When old people fall, it is hilarious. 73 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,526 {\an8}- But I'm not old. 74 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:50,829 {\an8}- Oh, no. It's starting. 75 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:54,600 {\an8}- [shouting] Do you know where you are? 76 00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:57,302 {\an8}- You and I are practically the same age. 77 00:03:57,303 --> 00:04:00,305 {\an8}- I'm 20 years younger than you, dude. 78 00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:03,375 {\an8}You could be my dad. 79 00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,679 {\an8}Could you be my dad? - Oh. 80 00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:09,081 {\an8}I mean, 81 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,450 {\an8}when I look in the mirror, I see a young, 82 00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:14,787 {\an8}rakishly handsome bon vivant. 83 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,455 {\an8}Don't you see him, Oscar? 84 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:19,658 {\an8}- Where is he? Behind Edward James Olmos? 85 00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:24,897 {\an8}♪ ♪ 86 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:28,667 {\an8}- Glen Powell in my kitchen? 87 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,438 {\an8}Hurry up and kiss me before my fiancé gets home. 88 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,373 {\an8}- Yeah, I'm on day 12 of my 90-day 89 00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,841 {\an8}"build a booty" workout challenge. 90 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,410 {\an8}Mm! 91 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:43,082 {\an8}I'm about to be tight and right for our wedding. 92 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,318 {\an8}- Those shorts are certainly tight. 93 00:04:47,053 --> 00:04:49,589 {\an8}- I will certainly put on a second pair of underwear. 94 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:51,690 {\an8}What is that? 95 00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:53,926 {\an8}- It's a medical alert necklace for my dad 96 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,428 {\an8}in case he falls again and nobody's around to help him. 97 00:04:56,429 --> 00:04:58,063 {\an8}- He's never gonna wear that. 98 00:04:58,064 --> 00:05:01,668 {\an8}- Oh, he will if I tell him it used to belong to Mr. T. 99 00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:05,505 {\an8}My dad needs to accept that he's getting older. 100 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:15,748 - Quinten, you ready to roll and get swole? 101 00:05:15,749 --> 00:05:18,451 [grunts] 102 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,654 - I am so sorry, George. 103 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,357 I have to ask you about your hair. 104 00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:27,593 - The answer is yes. 105 00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:29,629 I finally stopped dying it gray. 106 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,866 You can take the silver out of the fox, 107 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:37,837 but you can't take the fox out of the fox. 108 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:44,777 - I didn't know you could Sharpie a whole head of hair. 109 00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,746 - You ready to go to the gym? I'm trying to get ripped up. 110 00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,448 I'm trying to get that V-cut right there. 111 00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:50,849 Boom! 112 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,452 - Oh, why did I let my eyes follow his hands? 113 00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:55,921 - Yeah. 114 00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:59,525 Oh, before you go, I have another birthday gift for you. 115 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:03,595 - Oh? - It used to belong to Mr. T. 116 00:06:03,596 --> 00:06:06,598 - All right! That's what's up. 117 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:08,500 That's a little before my time. 118 00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:10,035 I don't know who that is, but thanks, all right? 119 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,572 ♪ ♪ 120 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,444 [upbeat saxophone music] 121 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,112 - I'm here. 122 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:22,581 You look upset. 123 00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:24,484 Did you eat something you cooked? 124 00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,654 - Chance's school just called and said that 125 00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,589 he used curse words in class. 126 00:06:30,590 --> 00:06:32,458 - Ay, Dios! He did? 127 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,460 Which ones? 128 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:35,794 - If I say them out loud, 129 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:36,896 you're gonna make me go to confession. 130 00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,466 He said... [texting blips] 131 00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:41,900 [phone swooshes] 132 00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,135 [phone dings] 133 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:44,871 - [gasps] 134 00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:47,940 No! - Yes. 135 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,209 And then he said... [texting blips] 136 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,477 [phone swooshes] 137 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,579 [phone dings] 138 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,114 - Ay, Dios! 139 00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,949 - And then he finished it off with... 140 00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:59,919 [texting blips] 141 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,989 [phone dings] 142 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,825 - Ay, Mayan! 143 00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,063 Now I have to throw away this phone! 144 00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,533 - Where did he even learn to talk like that? 145 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,536 - I know where--from you! 146 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:20,973 Kids repeat everything they hear. 147 00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,708 - But Quinten and I don't even swear. 148 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,978 We're pretty gosh darn lame. 149 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,848 - Agreed. 150 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,917 But that's not what I mean. 151 00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,887 You let him be exposed to all kinds of inappropriate things-- 152 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:38,591 violent video games, racy TikToks, George. 153 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,828 - Mom, shielding your kid from everything 154 00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,531 doesn't guarantee how they're gonna turn out. 155 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:46,865 You didn't give me "the talk" 156 00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,201 until I was four months pregnant. 157 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,571 - And you didn't listen. 158 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,606 - What do you think I should do, Mom? 159 00:07:54,607 --> 00:08:00,746 - Clearly, Chance needs better role models, like Jesus or moi. 160 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,115 I am going to take him to my place 161 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,617 this afternoon for a glorious session 162 00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:08,654 of Bible study and religious education. 163 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,623 - Oh, that's perfect! 164 00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,791 I was having trouble figuring out 165 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:13,860 how I was gonna punish him. 166 00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:18,630 ♪ ♪ 167 00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:21,134 - [hissing] 168 00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,070 [grunts] 100. 169 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,308 200. 170 00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,343 [grunts] 171 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,312 Oh, 300! 172 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,614 Whoo! 173 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,116 - That was only three presses, 174 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,786 but you probably lost five pounds of sweat. 175 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,024 - Aw, gross, man. They gave me a dirty towel. 176 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:48,594 - You wanna take a break, buddy? 177 00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:51,363 Maybe talk about what's happening here? 178 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,699 - Yeah, you know, I don't wanna talk about it, all right? 179 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:54,901 I wanna be about it. 180 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,138 - Hey, yo, I wanna use this bench. 181 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:02,075 Isn't your grandpa supposed to be at a "Sopranos" convention? 182 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,376 - Spot me. 183 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,679 Oh. 184 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,148 Hey, I'm not his grandpa, all right? 185 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,783 - Whatever. 186 00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,251 I don't need to know why a buffalo and a duck 187 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,386 are hanging out. 188 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,158 Why don't you get out of here and take that moldy mop 189 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,727 on your head with you? 190 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:23,129 - Is that right? 191 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,330 All right, hey. 192 00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:27,366 It's all yours. 193 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,202 I gotta work on my lats anyways. 194 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:35,107 - You did the mature thing walking away, George. 195 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,642 - I didn't come over here for that. 196 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,044 I came over here for this. 197 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,846 Hey, fool! 198 00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:43,849 You mess with the buffalo, you get the smoothie. 199 00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,317 [cracking] Ow! 200 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,253 - George! Your shoulder! 201 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,055 It sounded like someone snapped a crisp carrot. 202 00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:52,191 Come here! - Just let it hang! 203 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:55,160 Let it hang! Oh! 204 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:56,328 I don't need any help! 205 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,930 - Silver alert! 206 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,300 Senior down! Senior down! 207 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:06,772 - I'm not a senior! I'm not down! 208 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:09,675 This isn't Mr. T's necklace! 209 00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,878 Ah! Just let it hang! 210 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,881 Ooh! Ooh! 211 00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:21,420 [upbeat saxophone music] 212 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,122 - Nana, can I take a break? 213 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,357 I've read three hours of Bible 214 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:27,894 and watched "The Ten Commandments" twice. 215 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,164 That's 20 commandments! 216 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,900 - No break until you color all the popes 217 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,337 in "The Big Coloring Book of Papas." 218 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,940 - Pretty sure Jesus has forgiven me. 219 00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:45,244 Why can't you? 220 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:48,313 - Ay, mi Gordo! 221 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,382 Of course I forgive you. 222 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:54,053 It's not your fault that you cursed at school. 223 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,455 Like most things, it's because your parents 224 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,957 don't go to church. 225 00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,727 [phone rings] 226 00:11:01,728 --> 00:11:03,295 It's my sister. Start coloring. 227 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,431 And if you get a hand cramp, that just means 228 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,100 the Holy Spirit is at work. 229 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,207 - You ready to go home, Chance? 230 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,942 [door shuts] 231 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:19,346 Ah, "The Big Coloring Book of Papas." 232 00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,048 Been there. 233 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,249 Where's your nana? 234 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,418 - She's on the phone with Tía Mari. 235 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,921 - Can you [bleep] believe 236 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:33,359 this mother[bleep] has been calling me? 237 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,527 Huh? After everything that he did! 238 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,096 [speaks Spanish] 239 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,799 He is a real... [bleeping] 240 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,936 [speaking Spanish] [bleep], [bleep]. 241 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,270 - Mom! 242 00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:48,107 - Ay! Hang on, Mari. 243 00:11:48,108 --> 00:11:50,976 My [bleep] daughter is calling for me. 244 00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:56,248 ♪ ♪ 245 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,283 - I've got an ice pack and a defibrillator. 246 00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,319 Pick your poison. 247 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,388 - The hell, man? I'm fine. 248 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,990 Stop treating me like I'm about to break. 249 00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:08,260 - You're not about to break. You did break. 250 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,862 You threw that smoothie four feet. 251 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:12,398 your arm basically left your body. 252 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,067 - Everybody needs to stop treating me like I'm old. 253 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,870 And when I crashed into my birthday cake, 254 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,405 you all should have laughed at me. 255 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,142 Instead, you showed concern. Oh, so mean! 256 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,944 - I'm sorry that we love you? 257 00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,346 - That's how you treat people 258 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,182 when you think they're about to die. 259 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,318 - You can't control getting older, George. 260 00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:35,455 All you can control is how you let it affect you. 261 00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,425 You wanna know why I come to the gym? 262 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,960 - Yeah, so you don't hear people whisper at your wedding, 263 00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:44,296 "How did he get her?" 264 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:46,165 - No. 265 00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,566 Sort of. 266 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,601 I started coming because I wanted to look good 267 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,270 walking down the aisle. 268 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,305 But after your fall, I got a new motivation. 269 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:59,378 I--I wanna have a strong, fit body for you. 270 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,181 - I know watching me work out has awakened something in you, 271 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,984 but I can't do that to Mayan. 272 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,321 - No! 273 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,256 I wanna be strong enough to be able to help lift you up 274 00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,959 when you get knocked down. 275 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,195 - Man, I gotta tell you that 276 00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:17,563 you've been helping me stay on my feet ever since 277 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,399 I came back into the family. 278 00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,167 And I'm really happy that you're gonna be 279 00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:23,970 my son-in-law, Quinten. 280 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,538 - Hey, I'm glad you're feeling better. 281 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,207 - Yeah, what would make me feel better 282 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,541 is if you guys worried less about me 283 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:31,910 and started to make fun of me more. 284 00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:32,978 - You want us to make fun of you? 285 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,446 - Yeah! 286 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,215 And I'm not talking about light ribbing. 287 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,550 I wanna feel like I'm being abused. 288 00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,918 - Silver alert! 289 00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:42,354 Senior abuse! Senior abuse! 290 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:45,958 - I gotta get rid of this stupid thing! 291 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,893 - Ow! 292 00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:50,029 My eye! 293 00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,064 Who did this? 294 00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:54,066 - I got him! 295 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,534 - You! 296 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,635 - Don't hurt me. I'm old. 297 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,105 Oh, let it hang! 298 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:05,511 ♪ ♪ 299 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,345 - What's so important? 300 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,579 I was on the phone with my sister. 301 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:11,117 - You were cursing like you just got your own HBO special. 302 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,254 Chance and I could hear everything. 303 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:19,158 - How could that be? The door was closed. 304 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:22,227 - But your potty mouth was wide open. 305 00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:23,629 I don't know if you know this, 306 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,099 but kids repeat everything they hear. 307 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:30,102 - I guess I owe someone an apology. 308 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,370 - You certainly d-- 309 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,073 - Chance! 310 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,241 I am so sorry. 311 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:40,279 Those words weren't meant for your innocent angel ears. 312 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,148 Can you find it in your heart to forgive your nana? 313 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:45,250 - Never make me color a pope again, 314 00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,487 and you've got yourself a [bleep] deal, Nana. 315 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:53,126 I'll go wash my mouth out. 316 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,732 - Why were you using that kind of language anyway? 317 00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,201 It's not like you. 318 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,303 - Remember when I said I was over Josué? 319 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,338 [sighs] I thought I was, 320 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,307 but since he's been calling, 321 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,709 I guess everything I had bottled up 322 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:14,046 has been coming out in four-letter words. 323 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,715 Or sometimes eight-letter words. 324 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,618 The occasional 12-letter word. 325 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:25,657 - Mom, I'm so sorry it's been so hard. 326 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,327 You know I'm here whenever you need to talk. 327 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:31,631 Always. - Thank you. 328 00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:38,103 - And for the record, I also agree that Josué 329 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,739 is a real... [texting blips] 330 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,142 [phone dings] 331 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,510 - [gasps] 332 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,513 Mayan! 333 00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,650 Maybe you're not so lame after all. 334 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,586 - I couldn't find any soap, 335 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:57,123 so I washed my mouth out with cookies. 336 00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:03,296 ♪ ♪ 337 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,701 [upbeat saxophone music] 338 00:16:08,702 --> 00:16:10,436 all: Surprise! 339 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,237 - Another birthday party? 340 00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:13,439 Come on, don't spoil me. 341 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,507 All right, you can spoil me. 342 00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,443 {\an8}- Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome 343 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:22,248 {\an8}our guest of honor to "The Roast of George Lopez." 344 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,722 {\an8}- You guys are gonna make fun of me? 345 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,258 {\an8}You really do love me, don't you? 346 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,562 - We invited some of George's friends here tonight. 347 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,297 They didn't come because they stopped 348 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,598 talking to him years ago. 349 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,633 That's how restraining orders work. 350 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:43,602 - [laughs] 351 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,205 - However, we did bribe one of George's 352 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,606 long-time friends to come. 353 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,743 Introducing our roastmaster, Jeff. 354 00:16:50,744 --> 00:16:53,313 - Hey! 355 00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,849 Hey. 356 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:57,817 Hey, guys. 357 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,221 Hola, Señor Citizen. 358 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,857 - It's Jeff from high school! 359 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:06,759 Did you lose your hair, or did it run away from your face? 360 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,460 Hey! 361 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:10,262 - You're talking about my hair? 362 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,697 What about your hair? 363 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,400 You look like Beethoven if he was in a mariachi band. 364 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,135 Let's roast! 365 00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,203 [upbeat music] 366 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:23,142 - George Lopez has a luscious, thick mane of hair. 367 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,677 And that's just on his back. 368 00:17:24,678 --> 00:17:25,544 - Oh! 369 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,881 - George has inspired so many people 370 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,250 to have a C-section. 371 00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,551 Look at the size of his head. 372 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,853 I mean, when you told us your mom split, 373 00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,388 you mean in half? - Oh! 374 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,157 - Oh! - Whoo! 375 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:41,694 - George owns a moving company, which is ironic 376 00:17:41,695 --> 00:17:44,697 because, at his age, he can barely move his bowels. 377 00:17:44,698 --> 00:17:47,433 [laughter] 378 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:48,867 He doesn't like talking about it, 379 00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:51,670 but George has gone to bed with dozens of models. 380 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,739 Oh, nope, sorry. Misread that. 381 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,909 He's gone to bed with dozens of Modelos. 382 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,244 [laughter] 383 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:04,249 - In honor of George tonight, I'm gonna roll a big fatty. 384 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,751 And I'm not talking about pot. 385 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,419 That's how I gotta get him upstairs. 386 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,154 [laughter] 387 00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:12,458 - Everyone knows that George loves a lowrider. 388 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:15,294 Probably because any car he squeezes into 389 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:18,263 instantly becomes a lowrider. 390 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:21,567 [laughter] 391 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,936 - Grandpa has an inflated ego, 392 00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:26,538 which is why his head looks like it's been blown up 393 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,707 by a bicycle pump. 394 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:31,610 [laughter] 395 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,513 Grandpa is sober, but this actually isn't the first time 396 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,415 he stopped drinking alcohol. 397 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:39,451 That was during Prohibition 398 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:44,790 from 1927 to 1933. 399 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,559 - You know, growing up, kids in school used to beat George 400 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,361 with sticks because they thought his head 401 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,530 was filled with candy. - Oh. 402 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:52,865 - Let's face it, George. 403 00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:54,466 Your head is so big, your name should be 404 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,870 George Lo Pez Dispenser. 405 00:18:57,871 --> 00:19:00,372 What's with the hairstyle, George? 406 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,475 You look like Albert Einstein if he invented the churro. 407 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:07,246 [laughter] 408 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,514 Happy birthday, pal. 409 00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:09,915 Congrats on your good health. 410 00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:12,217 You may be sober for the rest of your life, 411 00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:13,986 but you'll always look like the worm at the bottom 412 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:16,221 of a tequila bottle. 413 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:17,623 [cheers and applause] 414 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,224 - George is here tonight. 415 00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:21,427 Yes, right, right? 416 00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:26,699 Which is more than I can say for him during my childhood. 417 00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:31,538 My first words were "mama" and "who?" 418 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,375 Dad, we kid because we love you, 419 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,777 and the truth is, no matter your age, 420 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,879 you're always young at heart. - Mm-hmm. 421 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,451 - Old at liver, lungs, and brain, 422 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,920 but young at heart. 423 00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:50,789 - I'd like to start by thanking my beautiful family, 424 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,926 but they're in Cancun and couldn't be here tonight, 425 00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:56,261 so I'd like to thank this very ugly family instead. 426 00:19:56,262 --> 00:19:57,763 - Ah. 427 00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:01,934 - Rosie, the time we were married went by so fast. 428 00:20:01,935 --> 00:20:03,569 It felt like 15 minutes. 429 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:04,970 Underwater. 430 00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,772 - Oh! 431 00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:08,941 - Quinten, you are really incredible. 432 00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,943 Watching you makes me believe in all kinds 433 00:20:10,944 --> 00:20:12,878 of possibilities, 434 00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,848 like "what if mayonnaise could talk?" 435 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:19,952 Oscar is the hardest working employee I have. 436 00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:24,758 No matter how big the job is, he's always done by 4:20. 437 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:27,993 My family is right about one thing, though. 438 00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,628 I am a fall risk. 439 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,430 Every morning I trip over the trampoline 440 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:32,866 Chance uses to get on the toilet. 441 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,535 Jeff, I know I acted surprised 442 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,836 when you walked in, but I wasn't. 443 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,638 You will literally show up to anything. 444 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,474 You'd come to the opening of a door. 445 00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,677 Jeff is so ugly, 446 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:47,047 Beetlejuice says his name three times. 447 00:20:50,050 --> 00:20:53,652 I may be old, but I've seen lots of things. 448 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,754 I've seen the Mayan ruins. 449 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,491 {\an8}I've seen Mayan ruin dinners, 450 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:02,461 {\an8}Mayan ruin birthdays, 451 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:04,831 {\an8}and Mayan ruin a good buzz. 452 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,500 {\an8}But the one thing that actually makes me 453 00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:10,636 {\an8}feel good about my birthday 454 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:13,640 {\an8}is that no matter how old I get... 455 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:21,014 {\an8}I could never love anyone or anybody more than I love you. 456 00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:28,988 {\an8}♪ ♪