1
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,757
- Help! Help!
2
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:10,176
[gags] Intruder!
3
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,345
My big, strong partner
will kill you.
4
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,389
And he's white,
so he won't even go to jail.
5
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,516
Ah!
6
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:17,726
[groans]
7
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,602
- Are you okay?
8
00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:22,147
- No.
9
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,898
It took you over 30 seconds
to respond.
10
00:00:23,940 --> 00:00:27,193
- Are you making a TikTok
about home invasions?
11
00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:28,820
- You know I always worry
about break-ins.
12
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,071
Having a plan calms me.
13
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:32,073
So just go downstairs,
and when you hear me,
14
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,075
grab a weapon
and then run back in.
15
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,541
Help! Help!
16
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:42,459
- Bam!
17
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,170
Hey, bro, stop choking my lady.
18
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,088
She's not even into that.
19
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,134
- A hairbrush?
20
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,303
That's only a weapon
if you have lice.
21
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,180
- Can you keep it down?
22
00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,598
I'm already dealing
with your son
23
00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:58,141
in the top bunk,
who's trying to pick
24
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,977
my nose with his big toe.
25
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,687
- Look, it's our
permanent intruder.
26
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,731
- Hey, I told you guys,
I'm only staying here
27
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:07,650
till my moving business
gets back on its feet--
28
00:01:07,692 --> 00:01:10,111
five years, tops.
29
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,863
- If you heard me
yelling for help,
30
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,198
why didn't you try to save me?
31
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:16,409
- You think I can't tell
when somebody's faking it?
32
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,578
I learned a lot
being married to your mom.
33
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,415
- And you never said anything?
- Of course not.
34
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,502
'Cause admitting it would
have meant I had to try harder.
35
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:28,380
It was fine.
36
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,132
I got mine's, you know?
37
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259
Good night!
38
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:36,221
[upbeat saxophone music]
39
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:43,395
* *
40
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,695
- Ay, women in these
true crime stories
41
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:54,197
always fall for a scam artist,
don't they?
42
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,448
It's like their mothers
didn't teach them
43
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,492
how to spot a cochino.
44
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,330
- Beer, game, quiet.
45
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,167
- I'm not sure
your mother taught you
46
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,878
to spot one, either.
47
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,923
- What the hell
are you doing, cochino?
48
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,383
- It's the seventh inning.
49
00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:14,926
You want to know
how your show ends?
50
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,177
It's the way they always end.
51
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:19,597
She dies,
and the husband did it.
52
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,307
- If you don't give me
that remote, tonight,
53
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,184
the ex-wife is gonna do it.
54
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,604
- You guys aren't even
watching, anyways.
55
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,398
You're on your phone
half the time.
56
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:30,984
- Sorry, what?
57
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:33,445
I just got a notification
on my Citizen Alert app.
58
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,322
- Oh, no, what happened?
59
00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:37,824
- Wait a minute.
60
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,869
There's an app that can track
if you're a citizen?
61
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,670
Mayan, do me a favor.
Propose to Oscar.
62
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,797
- He's your best friend
and weed guy.
63
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:55,175
You marry him.
64
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,635
- He doesn't trust me.
65
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,554
He knows
I'll never be faithful.
66
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,227
You and your life partner,
Quinten,
67
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:07,562
aren't married, anyways.
68
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,564
You're living in this house
in shame.
69
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:11,775
- George,
they're not living in shame.
70
00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:12,817
- Thanks, Mom.
71
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,235
- They're living in sin.
72
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,656
- Anyway, the Citizen Alert app
just alerts you
73
00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,033
about crimes happening nearby.
74
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,369
Like earlier,
there was a report of a drunk
75
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,746
in a green hoodie
stealing lemons from a yard.
76
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,630
- Not drunk yet.
77
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,090
You know, back in the day,
78
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:38,510
our Citizens Alert
was Doña Paloma.
79
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:42,305
She could tell you who got shot
and who was cheating,
80
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,392
which is probably why
they got shot.
81
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:46,810
- Speaking of getting shot,
82
00:03:46,851 --> 00:03:48,895
did you hear all those
gunshots last night?
83
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,772
- Yeah, I told Chance
they were fireworks
84
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:51,856
so that he wouldn't get scared.
85
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,484
- He doesn't know
the difference?
86
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:56,277
My grandfather
taught me the difference
87
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,987
when I was three years old.
88
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:02,992
I know gunfire like
a rich person knows wine.
89
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:07,497
Like, that is a 2009...
90
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:11,334
.45 caliber--wait--
91
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:15,213
chrome handle.
92
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,756
- Did you hear
about the break-in
93
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:19,551
a couple of blocks away?
- No. How did I miss that?
94
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,761
- Oh, it was on the Citizen
Alert last Tuesday night.
95
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:25,974
- Oh, well, that's the night
when Quinten and I are...busy.
96
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,311
Why am I apologizing?
97
00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:32,105
This is a sex-positive house,
okay?
98
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:35,608
We get biz-ay.
99
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:38,194
On Tuesdays between "Top Chef"
100
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,989
and "Below Deck Mediterranean."
101
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:46,077
- Of course,
you two schedule it.
102
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,456
- You used to schedule it,
too, just not with me.
103
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,085
- Oh, my God, I found the post.
104
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:57,464
The family was home, and they
had to fight the guy off?
105
00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:58,965
I gotta chill out.
That reminds me.
106
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,258
I forgot to take
my pill this morning.
107
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,468
- Uh-oh.
108
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,927
Last time I heard
your mother say that,
109
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,306
I became a father.
110
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,099
- It's not birth control.
111
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,893
I take them for my anxiety.
112
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:11,519
- Anxiety?
Who told you you had that?
113
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:15,565
- Uh, science.
114
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,317
A doctor prescribed them
to me years ago.
115
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,235
Before that,
I was in a constant state
116
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,654
of fear and feeling unsafe.
117
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:24,366
- That's not anxiety.
That's being brown in America.
118
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,495
They don't have
a pill for that.
119
00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,121
- Ay, George, leave her alone.
120
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,749
She likes the pills.
121
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:35,794
- And you're okay with these?
What, is she slipping you some?
122
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,755
- No, I don't take those.
They dull your senses.
123
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:42,759
I'm not about to get kidnapped
and sex trafficked.
124
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,844
- I don't think there's
a market in sex trafficking
125
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,888
for some viejita with bunions.
126
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,226
- Hey, guys.
127
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,144
- Did you know the mother
of your child is on drugs?
128
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,563
- Just a little gummy on
Tuesday nights when we're--
129
00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,859
Busy.
130
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,611
- Dad is freaking out
because he just found out
131
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,154
I take anti-anxiety pills.
132
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,781
- Because there's
nothing wrong with you.
133
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,158
Your generation is just looking
for an excuse to take drugs.
134
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,704
You're all like, oh, Chastity,
you look so depressed.
135
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:14,541
Have you tried
microdosing shrooms?
136
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:18,169
It'll change your life.
137
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:22,382
- George, my sister,
Chastity, was depressed.
138
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:25,260
And it did change her life.
139
00:06:25,301 --> 00:06:26,886
- What I'm saying is,
you only need to take pills
140
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,555
if you're a real loca,
like my tía Mimi,
141
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:31,141
the one that used to talk
to her plants.
142
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,685
- Studies show that
actually helps them grow.
143
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,855
- She didn't own any plants.
144
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,607
- Anti-anxiety medications
are a great coping mechanism.
145
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,402
It's just like this new
vibrating tool I ordered.
146
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,778
- Ay, careful.
147
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:44,988
You give Mayan one of those,
148
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:47,824
she's not gonna need you
on Tuesdays.
149
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,493
- We have those,
and we use them on Wednesdays
150
00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:54,414
between "Chicago Med"
and "Chicago Fire."
151
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:55,915
- Yeah, yeah!
152
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,084
- Yes, sir!
153
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:02,589
- No, this is a biofeedback
device that you wear.
154
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,132
It vibrates and beeps
when you're anxious
155
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:07,218
to remind you
to take deep breaths.
156
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:11,931
- You paid for something
that reminds you to breathe?
157
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,433
If you're worried about safety,
158
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,684
you need to get
a security system.
159
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:15,935
- We can't afford that.
160
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,354
I mean,
I would have gotten one,
161
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,105
but we had to use our savings
to finish the kitchen
162
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,274
because someone
didn't let me know
163
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:24,027
about his financial problems.
164
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,695
- They're called boundaries,
Chastity.
165
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:26,946
Respect them.
166
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,284
- Quinten, let's go see
if this thing works.
167
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,535
You can trigger my anxiety
168
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,412
by trying to explain NFTs
to me again.
169
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,622
- Yes.
170
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,125
- She doesn't feel safe
in this house.
171
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,794
That's not good.
172
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,587
I'm gonna secure
this house myself.
173
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:43,963
It's not gonna
cost them anything.
174
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,549
- Oh, no, I know your idea
of a security system.
175
00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:50,261
It's doing a chalk outline
of a dead body in the driveway.
176
00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:55,308
- No one wants to be the second
dead body in the driveway.
177
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,893
* *
178
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,483
[upbeat saxophone music]
179
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,318
* *
180
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,362
- You really think someone
might break in here?
181
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,613
- No.
182
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,281
You know this was
my grandma's house, right?
183
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,283
When I grew up,
it was much more dangerous,
184
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,785
and we never had a problem.
185
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,245
- Really?
- Yep.
186
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,122
Because the Latinos,
we would look after each other.
187
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,249
It's the hipsters now
that are moving in,
188
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,876
coming home with 30 bags
from Target.
189
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:24,796
They become the target.
190
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,548
- My dad loves Target.
191
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:30,010
- Yeah, well, good thing
he's not your real dad.
192
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,553
- Yes, he is.
193
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,973
Mommy says you just say that
to mask your own insecurities
194
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:37,225
since your dad left you.
195
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,855
- Damn.
196
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,648
That cut like a knife. Up top.
197
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,527
- Where you want
these ADT signs?
198
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,779
- Um, let's put two in the
front and put two in the back.
199
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,614
- I thought we couldn't afford
a security service.
200
00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:55,201
- We don't need the service.
We got the signs.
201
00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:56,911
- What if they don't
believe the signs?
202
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,413
- Nah, no one's
getting in here.
203
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:00,040
I secured all the windows
and doors.
204
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,207
No one's getting in.
205
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,667
- Is that a challenge?
206
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,002
- It can be.
207
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,211
You don't have
any money to bet.
208
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,255
How about we bet
a little hello?
209
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:10,633
- A little hey there.
210
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,469
- A little how you doing?
211
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:13,887
- My son's here.
212
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:17,891
How about we say goodbye
to the hello?
213
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,351
- Grandpa, can we show Dad
214
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,894
the coolest part
of your system?
215
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:24,022
- Yeah. Hey, get the lights.
216
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,815
- What? Yes!
217
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,776
Are those
motion-detecting lasers?
218
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,028
- Watch.
I know how to beat them.
219
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:43,124
- Okay, Tomasito Cruise.
220
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,546
Oh, what the hell is that?
One got loose.
221
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,174
- Wait, shouldn't they trigger
an alarm or something?
222
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,717
- No, they're just
laser pointers
223
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:56,262
I taped up around the room
and connected them to a remote.
224
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:58,682
- What's the point, then,
make all the cats
225
00:09:58,723 --> 00:09:59,808
in the neighborhood go insane?
226
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,434
A-ha.
That's--
227
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:04,604
I'm sorr--this is ridiculous.
228
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:07,315
- What's ridiculous is that
Mayan's afraid of a break-in,
229
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:08,983
and all she's got
to protect her is a man
230
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,610
whose only weapon is karma.
231
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:13,822
- Ha! Thank you.
232
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,198
- It's not a compliment.
233
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,325
You don't make your woman
feel safe, bro.
234
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:20,286
- Oh, I'm pretty sure
she feels safe with me.
235
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:22,914
I can handle
any kind of intruder.
236
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,125
- Yeah, said the man
wearing a double wrist brace
237
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:26,960
for carpal tunnel.
238
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:29,212
- This is preventative.
239
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,631
The Genius Bar is
a physically demanding job.
240
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,009
I wipe porn off of at least
100 computers a day.
241
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:37,137
And my hand, it hurts.
242
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:40,932
- Porn makes my hand hurt too.
243
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:41,975
- What's the point
of you being here
244
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,351
if you can't step up
like a real man?
245
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,228
If you won't protect
my daughter, then I will.
246
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:51,609
- Oh, come on.
247
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:52,610
You didn't.
248
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,404
- This is your new
security system,
249
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:59,242
built with the finest parts
the 99 Cent Store has to offer.
250
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:02,162
- You put tape
on my beautiful walls?
251
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:08,001
This paint is Eva Longoria
for Walmart.
252
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,670
[device buzzing]
253
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:11,671
- What's that?
254
00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:12,964
It can't be
the smoke detectors.
255
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,174
I got rid of those
useless things
256
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,676
to make room for the lasers.
257
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:20,055
- It's the biofeedback device
reminding me to breathe.
258
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,515
- Oh, I thought
it was my pager.
259
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:25,185
And then I was like,
it's not 1992, man.
260
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,730
And then I wished it was 1992.
261
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,523
And then I got sad.
262
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:31,358
Then--
263
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,277
- Zip it, Leech & Chong.
264
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:37,155
I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.
265
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,990
- I got this, babe.
266
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,827
I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.
267
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,537
- All right,
we're almost done, anyways.
268
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,790
Hey, Oscar, grab that chalk
and go lay down outside.
269
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:48,083
I'll trace your dead body.
270
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,712
- Dad, this isn't helping.
271
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,382
If anything,
it's making my anxiety worse.
272
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,717
- No, Mayan, those pills
are making your anxiety worse.
273
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,595
And let's face it, anxiety
is not even a real thing.
274
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:01,763
- Excuse me?
275
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:04,349
- Yeah, it's like Dracula
or, you know,
276
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,268
global warming,
peanut allergies.
277
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:10,689
- You know this is
a nut-free household, right?
278
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,191
- Trust me, it's not.
279
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,442
- That's it.
280
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:15,819
You don't get to say
what's real for me.
281
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,446
You can't tell me
that my feelings aren't valid.
282
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,281
- I think your feelings
are valid about the paint.
283
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,409
What are they,
like, $33 a gallon?
284
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,910
- Okay, so you're just gonna
make light of this
285
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:24,911
and walk away?
286
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,705
- That's the plan.
287
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:30,083
- Don't make me look fat, bro.
288
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:31,793
* *
289
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,049
[upbeat saxophone music]
290
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:41,594
* *
291
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,556
- What are you doing
with my delicates?
292
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,725
That pull-up bar
is my drying rack.
293
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,768
- Not now, Mayan.
I'm in beast mode.
294
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,733
Ah!
295
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,402
- [gasps]
296
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,487
Are you okay?
297
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,658
- [wheezing]
298
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,036
I'm gonna go get
the Shake Weight.
299
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,162
- What is going on?
300
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,997
Why are you working out
at 11:00 p.m.?
301
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:10,874
- Because, babe, I can't--
302
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,667
I can't rest thinking that
I am not capable
303
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:13,918
of physically protecting you.
304
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,712
- Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.
305
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,589
I've realized I'm so loud,
the neighbors will just hear
306
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,632
my screams and call the cops.
307
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:22,886
Isn't that right, Eleanor?
308
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:26,097
- Okay, so you don't
have any faith in me,
309
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,975
and your dad says I'm not
a man, which is so toxic,
310
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:31,353
but it still--it hits me
right in the gut,
311
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:35,398
which then makes me toxic too.
312
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:39,611
I don't deserve
my Notorious RBG shirt.
313
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,779
- Dad!
- Ah!
314
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,322
Mayan, don't call him
in here, please.
315
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,407
You're gonna make it worse.
316
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,742
- What's wrong?
317
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:48,578
- You.
You're dismissing my anxiety.
318
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,747
You're destroying my home.
319
00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,166
And now you're insulting
Quinten by telling him
320
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,001
he's not a man?
321
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:58,004
- Well, a real man wouldn't
go snitching to his woman.
322
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,509
- You see? What did I say?
323
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:06,596
- Mayan, you're just nervous
because you don't think
324
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,556
your man will step up
in a time of crisis
325
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:12,018
because everything about him
says, "Eek! A mouse!"
326
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:19,067
- And everything about you
says Vegas buffet.
327
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,781
Leave him out of it.
328
00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:26,366
- Why are you defending him?
329
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,244
You can't sleep comfortably in
your own house because of him.
330
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,914
- I can't sleep comfortably
in my own house because of you.
331
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,082
- What did I do?
332
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:36,584
- It's what you didn't do.
333
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,837
You weren't home.
334
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,131
Mom and I were alone
in the house,
335
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,549
and I was always worried
336
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,467
something bad was gonna happen.
337
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:47,512
It gave me so much anxiety.
338
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,598
Every night,
I'd pray that you'd
339
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,642
come back and protect us.
340
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:53,852
I never felt safe.
341
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,522
And that feeling
has never gone away.
342
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:59,524
[thumping]
343
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,444
- What was that?
- Not Chance. He's sleeping.
344
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,653
- Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.
345
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:06,990
- Stay here.
346
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,617
[whispering] Oh, no.
Okay, come on.
347
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,454
Come on. Come on.
348
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,372
[grunts]
- Ow!
349
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,874
- Call the police!
I got him!
350
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,208
Stay down.
351
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,003
I am messed up in the head,
and I am dangerous
352
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,755
to myself and others.
353
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,843
- Oscar?
- What the hell, dude?
354
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:29,429
- You bet me I couldn't get
past your security system.
355
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:33,433
Yet here I am,
hemorrhaging internally.
356
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,063
- I thought
I secured everything.
357
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:40,106
Wow, man, somebody could have
really broken in.
358
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,611
Something bad could have
happened to Chance.
359
00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,905
- Dad, it's okay.
We're all safe.
360
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,698
- No, sorry.
I just--I just gotta sit down.
361
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,535
- How did you get past
all his stuff?
362
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:54,245
- I didn't.
363
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,456
I never left the house.
364
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,793
But don't tell George.
365
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,087
It'll be our
dirty little secret.
366
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,213
Shh.
367
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,425
- Dad, are you okay?
368
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,594
- I can't--I can't breathe.
369
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,846
- Take a deep breath.
370
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,807
- I just told you
I can't breathe.
371
00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,937
What's wrong with your ears,
ta loca?
372
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,481
You trying to kill me?
I'm already dying.
373
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,484
* *
374
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,657
- Okay, breathe in and now out.
375
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,409
- [exhales]
376
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,411
- Better?
377
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:35,954
So you just had
an anxiety attack.
378
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,540
- You know what, Mayan?
Stop being so extra.
379
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:44,129
I was flushed, I was sweating,
and my heart was racing.
380
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:47,298
- Those are the exact symptoms
of an anxiety attack.
381
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,675
And they happen to me too.
382
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:52,053
- So it's contagious.
You gave it to me.
383
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,514
- No, you and Mom
gave it to me.
384
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:56,599
And your parents
gave it to you.
385
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,143
Some people pass down wealth.
386
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,186
We pass down trauma.
387
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,567
- I might have gotten
a little something
388
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,318
passed down
from my grandmother.
389
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,656
You know, when she used to
get mad at me,
390
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,367
man, she used to lock me
in the closet.
391
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:15,827
That didn't feel great.
392
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:17,662
- Oh, my God, that's so scary.
393
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:18,955
- Yeah, it was scary.
394
00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:20,457
And then that's the first time
I remember
395
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,542
getting that same bad feeling
that I just got right now.
396
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,836
- An anxiety attack?
397
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,546
- We don't have
to give it a name.
398
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,718
Eventually, I got too big
to fit in the closet.
399
00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,680
She started locking me
in the neighbor's closet
400
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,557
because they had a walk-in.
401
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:42,812
- It's not easy
feeling this way,
402
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:46,649
but therapy and taking
medication help me manage it.
403
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:49,527
- I'm sorry that
I wasn't around.
404
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:53,698
But I thought me not being
around would be better for you
405
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,201
than me being there.
406
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,661
And I didn't want
to be the cause of, uh,
407
00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:02,374
you know, of your--
of your anxiety.
408
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,875
- Thank you.
409
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,543
You acknowledging that
is actually making me
410
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,088
feel really calm right now.
411
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,422
- That's good.
412
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:11,174
Hey, and if those pills
you take
413
00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:14,135
make you forget what I did,
I'm all for them.
414
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,515
- Oscar is gonna be okay.
415
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:20,266
His leg's not broken.
It's just a bad bruise.
416
00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:24,437
- Hey, Quinten, way to step up
for your family, man.
417
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,564
- This is gonna sound crazy,
but I actually think
418
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:30,235
the spirit of RBG
was guiding me.
419
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:32,153
- And damn, was it sexy.
420
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:36,282
- I'm sorry, did Monday night
just become Tuesday night?
421
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,493
- Oh, yeah.
422
00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:40,954
- [gags]
423
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:48,044
Is nausea a symptom of anxiety?
424
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,672
Because I think
I just backed up
425
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,966
some anxiety in my m--
[gags]
426
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,556
[upbeat saxophone music]
427
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,433
* *
428
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,351
Just want you to know,
I patched up the walls
429
00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,395
and threw away
all the laser pointers.
430
00:19:05,437 --> 00:19:06,938
- I know.
431
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,440
Quinten and I fished them out
to play a little game
432
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,650
called Missionary Impossible.
433
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:14,946
- [gags]
434
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:22,078
It needs to be a little more
sex-negative around here.
435
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:25,415
- Mayan, did you see what just
happened on the Citizen Alert?
436
00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:27,959
- No, I deleted the app.
It was stressing me out.
437
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,794
And now I know
if something does happen,
438
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:32,172
Quinten's got our back.
439
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:35,300
- Oh, so now she's too good
for the Citizen Alert.
440
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:38,970
- [clears throat]
All right, can you stop?
441
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,305
Because you're triggering me.
442
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:41,973
[breathes heavily]
443
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:43,767
- So now you have anxiety?
444
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,810
- It comes and goes,
445
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,437
depending on where you are.
446
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,148
Because--if I'm right here,
447
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,608
ay Dios mío, I can't breathe.
448
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,360
And then--
449
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,195
over here...
[inhales]
450
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,739
Much better.
451
00:19:57,781 --> 00:20:03,411
* *
452
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,834
[bell jingling]
453
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:16,508
- You rang, for the eighth time
in 20 minutes?
454
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,801
- Yes.
455
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,553
Can I get a different pillow,
please?
456
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:24,182
Also, this popcorn
needs more salt.
457
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:27,185
And can you add some Tapatío?
458
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,396
From the packets,
459
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:32,399
not the bottle.
460
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,026
- When did the doctor say you'd
be back up on your feet again?
461
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,986
- I don't need a doctor.
462
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,949
You see, my pupusa guy
463
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,368
dates the cashier at CVS.
464
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,371
And she really requested
that I stay off of it
465
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,498
for about four weeks.
466
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,583
- And she didn't think
you could stay off of it
467
00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:52,002
on your own couch?
468
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:56,006
- Might I remind you
that my pupusa guy...
469
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,386
Also caters lawyer conventions?
470
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:05,890
And he thinks what you did to
me was technically an assault.
471
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,684
- I'll get the Tapatío.
472
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:09,144
- Oscar!
473
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:12,814
Two pigeons are fighting
to the death over a pupusa.
474
00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:14,566
- For real?
- Come and check it out, man.
475
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,443
Get your chalk!
476
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:21,364
And that's how you get him
off the couch.
477
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:26,286
* *