- Help! Help!
[gags] Intruder!
My big, strong partner will kill you.
And he's white, so he won't even go to jail.
Ah!
[groans]
- Are you okay?
- No.
It took you over 30 seconds to respond.
- Are you making a TikTok about home invasions?
- You know I always worry about break-ins.
Having a plan calms me.
So just go downstairs, and when you hear me,
grab a weapon and then run back in.
Help! Help!
- Bam!
Hey, bro, stop choking my lady.
She's not even into that.
- A hairbrush?
That's only a weapon if you have lice.
- Can you keep it down?
I'm already dealing with your son
in the top bunk, who's trying to pick
my nose with his big toe.
- Look, it's our permanent intruder.
- Hey, I told you guys, I'm only staying here
till my moving business gets back on its feet--
five years, tops.
- If you heard me yelling for help,
why didn't you try to save me?
- You think I can't tell when somebody's faking it?
I learned a lot being married to your mom.
- And you never said anything? - Of course not.
'Cause admitting it would have meant I had to try harder.
It was fine.
I got mine's, you know?
Good night!
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Ay, women in these true crime stories
always fall for a scam artist, don't they?
It's like their mothers didn't teach them
how to spot a cochino.
- Beer, game, quiet.
- I'm not sure your mother taught you
to spot one, either.
- What the hell are you doing, cochino?
- It's the seventh inning.
You want to know how your show ends?
It's the way they always end.
She dies, and the husband did it.
- If you don't give me that remote, tonight,
the ex-wife is gonna do it.
- You guys aren't even watching, anyways.
You're on your phone half the time.
- Sorry, what?
I just got a notification on my Citizen Alert app.
- Oh, no, what happened?
- Wait a minute.
There's an app that can track if you're a citizen?
Mayan, do me a favor. Propose to Oscar.
- He's your best friend and weed guy.
You marry him.
- He doesn't trust me.
He knows I'll never be faithful.
You and your life partner, Quinten,
aren't married, anyways.
You're living in this house in shame.
- George, they're not living in shame.
- Thanks, Mom.
- They're living in sin.
- Anyway, the Citizen Alert app just alerts you
about crimes happening nearby.
Like earlier, there was a report of a drunk
in a green hoodie stealing lemons from a yard.
- Not drunk yet.
You know, back in the day,
our Citizens Alert was Doña Paloma.
She could tell you who got shot and who was cheating,
which is probably why they got shot.
- Speaking of getting shot,
did you hear all those gunshots last night?
- Yeah, I told Chance they were fireworks
so that he wouldn't get scared.
- He doesn't know the difference?
My grandfather taught me the difference
when I was three years old.
I know gunfire like a rich person knows wine.
Like, that is a 2009...
.45 caliber--wait--
chrome handle.
- Did you hear about the break-in
a couple of blocks away? - No. How did I miss that?
- Oh, it was on the Citizen Alert last Tuesday night.
- Oh, well, that's the night when Quinten and I are...busy.
Why am I apologizing?
This is a sex-positive house, okay?
We get biz-ay.
On Tuesdays between "Top Chef"
and "Below Deck Mediterranean."
- Of course, you two schedule it.
- You used to schedule it, too, just not with me.
- Oh, my God, I found the post.
The family was home, and they had to fight the guy off?
I gotta chill out. That reminds me.
I forgot to take my pill this morning.
- Uh-oh.
Last time I heard your mother say that,
I became a father.
- It's not birth control.
I take them for my anxiety.
- Anxiety? Who told you you had that?
- Uh, science.
A doctor prescribed them to me years ago.
Before that, I was in a constant state
of fear and feeling unsafe.
- That's not anxiety. That's being brown in America.
They don't have a pill for that.
- Ay, George, leave her alone.
She likes the pills.
- And you're okay with these? What, is she slipping you some?
- No, I don't take those. They dull your senses.
I'm not about to get kidnapped and sex trafficked.
- I don't think there's a market in sex trafficking
for some viejita with bunions.
- Hey, guys.
- Did you know the mother of your child is on drugs?
- Just a little gummy on Tuesday nights when we're--
Busy.
- Dad is freaking out because he just found out
I take anti-anxiety pills.
- Because there's nothing wrong with you.
Your generation is just looking for an excuse to take drugs.
You're all like, oh, Chastity, you look so depressed.
Have you tried microdosing shrooms?
It'll change your life.
- George, my sister, Chastity, was depressed.
And it did change her life.
- What I'm saying is, you only need to take pills
if you're a real loca, like my tía Mimi,
the one that used to talk to her plants.
- Studies show that actually helps them grow.
- She didn't own any plants.
- Anti-anxiety medications are a great coping mechanism.
It's just like this new vibrating tool I ordered.
- Ay, careful.
You give Mayan one of those,
she's not gonna need you on Tuesdays.
- We have those, and we use them on Wednesdays
between "Chicago Med" and "Chicago Fire."
- Yeah, yeah!
- Yes, sir!
- No, this is a biofeedback device that you wear.
It vibrates and beeps when you're anxious
to remind you to take deep breaths.
- You paid for something that reminds you to breathe?
If you're worried about safety,
you need to get a security system.
- We can't afford that.
I mean, I would have gotten one,
but we had to use our savings to finish the kitchen
because someone didn't let me know
about his financial problems.
- They're called boundaries, Chastity.
Respect them.
- Quinten, let's go see if this thing works.
You can trigger my anxiety
by trying to explain NFTs to me again.
- Yes.
- She doesn't feel safe in this house.
That's not good.
I'm gonna secure this house myself.
It's not gonna cost them anything.
- Oh, no, I know your idea of a security system.
It's doing a chalk outline of a dead body in the driveway.
- No one wants to be the second dead body in the driveway.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- You really think someone might break in here?
- No.
You know this was my grandma's house, right?
When I grew up, it was much more dangerous,
and we never had a problem.
- Really? - Yep.
Because the Latinos, we would look after each other.
It's the hipsters now that are moving in,
coming home with 30 bags from Target.
They become the target.
- My dad loves Target.
- Yeah, well, good thing he's not your real dad.
- Yes, he is.
Mommy says you just say that to mask your own insecurities
since your dad left you.
- Damn.
That cut like a knife. Up top.
- Where you want these ADT signs?
- Um, let's put two in the front and put two in the back.
- I thought we couldn't afford a security service.
- We don't need the service. We got the signs.
- What if they don't believe the signs?
- Nah, no one's getting in here.
I secured all the windows and doors.
No one's getting in.
- Is that a challenge?
- It can be.
You don't have any money to bet.
How about we bet a little hello?
- A little hey there.
- A little how you doing?
- My son's here.
How about we say goodbye to the hello?
- Grandpa, can we show Dad
the coolest part of your system?
- Yeah. Hey, get the lights.
- What? Yes!
Are those motion-detecting lasers?
- Watch. I know how to beat them.
- Okay, Tomasito Cruise.
Oh, what the hell is that? One got loose.
- Wait, shouldn't they trigger an alarm or something?
- No, they're just laser pointers
I taped up around the room and connected them to a remote.
- What's the point, then, make all the cats
in the neighborhood go insane?
A-ha. That's--
I'm sorr--this is ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous is that Mayan's afraid of a break-in,
and all she's got to protect her is a man
whose only weapon is karma.
- Ha! Thank you.
- It's not a compliment.
You don't make your woman feel safe, bro.
- Oh, I'm pretty sure she feels safe with me.
I can handle any kind of intruder.
- Yeah, said the man wearing a double wrist brace
for carpal tunnel.
- This is preventative.
The Genius Bar is a physically demanding job.
I wipe porn off of at least 100 computers a day.
And my hand, it hurts.
- Porn makes my hand hurt too.
- What's the point of you being here
if you can't step up like a real man?
If you won't protect my daughter, then I will.
- Oh, come on.
You didn't.
- This is your new security system,
built with the finest parts the 99 Cent Store has to offer.
- You put tape on my beautiful walls?
This paint is Eva Longoria for Walmart.
[device buzzing]
- What's that?
It can't be the smoke detectors.
I got rid of those useless things
to make room for the lasers.
- It's the biofeedback device reminding me to breathe.
- Oh, I thought it was my pager.
And then I was like, it's not 1992, man.
And then I wished it was 1992.
And then I got sad.
Then--
- Zip it, Leech & Chong.
I want you guys to get rid of all this stuff now.
- I got this, babe.
I want you guys to get rid of all this stuff now.
- All right, we're almost done, anyways.
Hey, Oscar, grab that chalk and go lay down outside.
I'll trace your dead body.
- Dad, this isn't helping.
If anything, it's making my anxiety worse.
- No, Mayan, those pills are making your anxiety worse.
And let's face it, anxiety is not even a real thing.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, it's like Dracula or, you know,
global warming, peanut allergies.
- You know this is a nut-free household, right?
- Trust me, it's not.
- That's it.
You don't get to say what's real for me.
You can't tell me that my feelings aren't valid.
- I think your feelings are valid about the paint.
What are they, like, $33 a gallon?
- Okay, so you're just gonna make light of this
and walk away?
- That's the plan.
- Don't make me look fat, bro.
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- What are you doing with my delicates?
That pull-up bar is my drying rack.
- Not now, Mayan. I'm in beast mode.
Ah!
- [gasps]
Are you okay?
- [wheezing]
I'm gonna go get the Shake Weight.
- What is going on?
Why are you working out at 11:00 p.m.?
- Because, babe, I can't--
I can't rest thinking that I am not capable
of physically protecting you.
- Oh, you don't have to worry about that.
I've realized I'm so loud, the neighbors will just hear
my screams and call the cops.
Isn't that right, Eleanor?
- Okay, so you don't have any faith in me,
and your dad says I'm not a man, which is so toxic,
but it still--it hits me right in the gut,
which then makes me toxic too.
I don't deserve my Notorious RBG shirt.
- Dad! - Ah!
Mayan, don't call him in here, please.
You're gonna make it worse.
- What's wrong?
- You. You're dismissing my anxiety.
You're destroying my home.
And now you're insulting Quinten by telling him
he's not a man?
- Well, a real man wouldn't go snitching to his woman.
- You see? What did I say?
- Mayan, you're just nervous because you don't think
your man will step up in a time of crisis
because everything about him says, "Eek! A mouse!"
- And everything about you says Vegas buffet.
Leave him out of it.
- Why are you defending him?
You can't sleep comfortably in your own house because of him.
- I can't sleep comfortably in my own house because of you.
- What did I do?
- It's what you didn't do.
You weren't home.
Mom and I were alone in the house,
and I was always worried
something bad was gonna happen.
It gave me so much anxiety.
Every night, I'd pray that you'd
come back and protect us.
I never felt safe.
And that feeling has never gone away.
[thumping]
- What was that? - Not Chance. He's sleeping.
- Oh, my God. Someone's in the house.
- Stay here.
[whispering] Oh, no. Okay, come on.
Come on. Come on.
[grunts] - Ow!
- Call the police! I got him!
Stay down.
I am messed up in the head, and I am dangerous
to myself and others.
- Oscar? - What the hell, dude?
- You bet me I couldn't get past your security system.
Yet here I am, hemorrhaging internally.
- I thought I secured everything.
Wow, man, somebody could have really broken in.
Something bad could have happened to Chance.
- Dad, it's okay. We're all safe.
- No, sorry. I just--I just gotta sit down.
- How did you get past all his stuff?
- I didn't.
I never left the house.
But don't tell George.
It'll be our dirty little secret.
Shh.
- Dad, are you okay?
- I can't--I can't breathe.
- Take a deep breath.
- I just told you I can't breathe.
What's wrong with your ears, ta loca?
You trying to kill me? I'm already dying.
* *
- Okay, breathe in and now out.
- [exhales]
- Better?
So you just had an anxiety attack.
- You know what, Mayan? Stop being so extra.
I was flushed, I was sweating, and my heart was racing.
- Those are the exact symptoms of an anxiety attack.
And they happen to me too.
- So it's contagious. You gave it to me.
- No, you and Mom gave it to me.
And your parents gave it to you.
Some people pass down wealth.
We pass down trauma.
- I might have gotten a little something
passed down from my grandmother.
You know, when she used to get mad at me,
man, she used to lock me in the closet.
That didn't feel great.
- Oh, my God, that's so scary.
- Yeah, it was scary.
And then that's the first time I remember
getting that same bad feeling that I just got right now.
- An anxiety attack?
- We don't have to give it a name.
Eventually, I got too big to fit in the closet.
She started locking me in the neighbor's closet
because they had a walk-in.
- It's not easy feeling this way,
but therapy and taking medication help me manage it.
- I'm sorry that I wasn't around.
But I thought me not being around would be better for you
than me being there.
And I didn't want to be the cause of, uh,
you know, of your-- of your anxiety.
- Thank you.
You acknowledging that is actually making me
feel really calm right now.
- That's good.
Hey, and if those pills you take
make you forget what I did, I'm all for them.
- Oscar is gonna be okay.
His leg's not broken. It's just a bad bruise.
- Hey, Quinten, way to step up for your family, man.
- This is gonna sound crazy, but I actually think
the spirit of RBG was guiding me.
- And damn, was it sexy.
- I'm sorry, did Monday night just become Tuesday night?
- Oh, yeah.
- [gags]
Is nausea a symptom of anxiety?
Because I think I just backed up
some anxiety in my m-- [gags]
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
Just want you to know, I patched up the walls
and threw away all the laser pointers.
- I know.
Quinten and I fished them out to play a little game
called Missionary Impossible.
- [gags]
It needs to be a little more sex-negative around here.
- Mayan, did you see what just happened on the Citizen Alert?
- No, I deleted the app. It was stressing me out.
And now I know if something does happen,
Quinten's got our back.
- Oh, so now she's too good for the Citizen Alert.
- [clears throat] All right, can you stop?
Because you're triggering me.
[breathes heavily]
- So now you have anxiety?
- It comes and goes,
depending on where you are.
Because--if I'm right here,
ay Dios mío, I can't breathe.
And then--
over here... [inhales]
Much better.
* *
[bell jingling]
- You rang, for the eighth time in 20 minutes?
- Yes.
Can I get a different pillow, please?
Also, this popcorn needs more salt.
And can you add some Tapatío?
From the packets,
not the bottle.
- When did the doctor say you'd be back up on your feet again?
- I don't need a doctor.
You see, my pupusa guy
dates the cashier at CVS.
And she really requested that I stay off of it
for about four weeks.
- And she didn't think you could stay off of it
on your own couch?
- Might I remind you that my pupusa guy...
Also caters lawyer conventions?
And he thinks what you did to me was technically an assault.
- I'll get the Tapatío.
- Oscar!
Two pigeons are fighting to the death over a pupusa.
- For real? - Come and check it out, man.
Get your chalk!
And that's how you get him off the couch.
* *