[traditional Mexican music]
- So many cute hats.
Oh, excuse me. Señor?
Do you have this hat in that color
with that band, those sequins, that feather,
ooh, and this stitching?
- What did he say?
- I don't know. I don't speak Spanish.
- But you just responded like you do.
- Yeah, there's words I use to fool people
into thinking I speak it, like "claro que sí"
or "claro"or "sí."
- So you know three words?
- Oh, I also get away with, "Qué?
Ay, no!"
Also, "Está bien, está bien."
- [laughs] Why are you pretending to speak Spanish?
You know, I shouldn't judge.
I pretended to be French, British,
and the fourth member of Destiny's Child.
- Because if you're Latinx and don't speak Spanish,
you get shamed for it.
My dad did it to me all the time as a kid,
which is why I told him
I became fluent during the years we didn't speak.
- So "claro que sí" works on him, too?
- Claro que sí!
It's been tricky since he's moved in,
but my mom and Quinten help cover for me.
- So how are we supposed to know what he said?
- He said pick a hat, or he's going to die.
- Chance has been practicing his Spanish with his dad.
- Okay. I'll take this one.
Chance, can you ask the man if he takes Venmo?
- That's going to be a no from me.
- What? That's new. How come?
- If you don't speak Spanish, why do I have to?
- Yes! Drag her!
[laughs]
Sorry.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Do a cheers with me, my beautiful daughter
and the maybe daddy.
- I know he's Chance's dad more than I know you're mine.
- And I know I'm Chance's dad 'cause my pull-out game weak.
- I got a tip for that.
You get a rubber band, you tie it in a knot,
and before you get into bed,
you never have sex with my daughter again.
- What are we toasting to?
- I got a big move-- a rich guy with rich friends.
And if this goes well, I'll be moving a lot of fancy houses
and a lot of secret apartments.
- Mayan told me your secret apartment
was the back of your '74 El Camino.
- It's more romantic to cheat under the stars.
But this is huge for me 'cause I'm double-booked
and I only got enough guys for one move.
- Oh, well, Quinten and I have the weekend free.
We can help you.
- I'm sor--We could?
- The faster he gets back on his feet,
the faster he's out of the house.
- Yes. We would love to help you.
- That's great. - Cheers.
- And if you're injured on the site,
it's no fault of Lop-EZ Movers
or its subsidiaries, Lop-EZ Dental,
ipso "fatso," I rest my case.
- He pulls out Oscar's dead tooth with some pliers,
thinks he's a dentist.
- Unlike your boy, Quinten,
my pull-out game is strong.
- Guess who had fun at the museum.
- The hearing impaired.
- Look, I ate Cookie Monster.
Now that fool knows how cookies feel.
- Mom, we said no artificial sweets for Chance.
Nothing natural turns your tongue that color.
- Then why do they sell it at the Natural History Museum?
Ay,don't worry. Relax.
He ate all his apple slices from his Happy Meal.
- Then Grandma gave me
two of her coffee creamers for dessert.
- We shouldn't be spoiling him like this.
It's too much.
- You don't got to worry about what me and Nana do.
- See, he's got an attitude.
The other day he refused to practice his Spanish.
- Uh, Chance, real Latinos speaks Spanish.
If you don't speak Spanish,
you don't deserve the Lopez last name.
- Great. I'm more of a one-name guy like Drake.
- Yeah, you're more like Chance the Crapper.
Go to your room.
- We do a lesson every night,
but lately he has been refusing to practice with me, too.
- Mayan, you should be in charge of the Spanish lessons.
I don't want my grandson learning Spanish
from Duo-Gringo.
- I-I would, but...
- You would, but what?
- But, uh, Mayan works late,
and Quinten has more free time to practice with him.
- Yeah. Plus, I am a proud speaker
and a cultural ally.
You could even say
that I am a bit of a Latinx-pert.
- No.
- Okay, my lady and my son are both Latinx,
so I think that gives me-- - No.
- Perhaps if I said it in español?
- No.
- As long as teaching Chance Spanish is a priority,
I'm glad Mayan learned to speak over these last few years.
Eres pura Lopez, Mayan.
- Claro que sí.
- Man, now you got me craving those little coffee creamers.
Rosie, is your purse in the living room?
- [whispering] That was a close one.
- Ay,you should just tell him.
Why are you trying to impress a back-alley dentist?
- You heard what he said.
If I don't speak Spanish, I don't deserve the Lopez name.
- Well, you could always take my last name?
- I will never be Mayan Van Bryan.
- This all could have been avoided
if you had just taught me when I was little.
Why didn't you? - I wanted to spare you.
My father forced me to speak Spanish, and I hated it.
He said if I didn't speak it,
Castro would come through the mirror
and grab me and bring me back to Cuba.
- Oh, but it's fine if Castro gets me?
- Okay, fine. I will make it up to you.
I will teach Chance to speak Spanish.
- The key is to make it fun.
There is an old ranchera
that I've been teaching him that goes...
[clears throat] * Ay, ay, ay, ay *
- Ay, ay, ay, ay!
Cállate ya.
I do not need advice.
I got this.
- Good luck.
Chance plays you more than he plays "Minecraft."
- Ha! I can be strict if I need to be.
- Nana, can you make me an ice-water?
It tastes better when you make it.
- Of course, mi niño hermoso.
What? It does taste better when I make it.
I put a little sugar in it.
* *
- Moving is pretty self-explanatory,
but I got one rule.
If you break something, go full Shaggy.
- What's full Shaggy?
- * Broke the leg on the sofa, it wasn't me *
* Ripped the curtain in the shower *
* It wasn't me *
* If they catch you on camera, it wasn't me *
- How do you have a five-star Yelp rating?
- If you give Oscar enough Adderall,
he can write a lot of reviews.
Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?
- Are those guys new hires? I don't recognize them.
- Mando, Raul...
Quinten.
- Sí. Gracias.
- A trabajar, güey.
- They're both so fluent in Spanish.
Reminds me of me.
But they speak English, too, right?
- No, the only thing they know in English is "it wasn't me."
[cell phone chimes]
- Oh, man, Oscar said the other movers
didn't show up at the moving site.
I'm going to take Quinten to cover, okay?
You stay here, Mayan. - Oh, no, well,
why don't I go with you and Quinten stay behind?
- No, that stuff is heavy, Mayan--you can't get hurt.
You make more money than the both of us.
- Uh, but--but Mayan's, uh, upper-body strength
is not to be underestimated.
Boobs of steel on that one.
- She's not lifting with her chichis.
Go wait for me in the truck. - Yep.
Keep Raul and Mando on track, okay?
This means a lot to me.
I'm so glad you speak Spanish, señora Lopez.
Bueno.
Órale.
- Sí.
Claro.
- Claro que sí.
- Óyeme...
- Sí.
- Perfecto. - Está bien.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Nana, can you make me a snack?
I'm thinking something a little savory but also sweet.
Chef's choice.
Why you trippin'? I said "chef's choice."
- Papito,if you speak both English and Spanish,
you can help people understand each other.
It's like having a superpower.
- Batman doesn't speak Spanish.
- And look what happened to his parents.
- That's not why his parents were killed.
- Well, you never know.
A little "¿qué lo que?" or "ya tú sabes"
could have smoothed things out with the Joker.
- I'm still not going to speak Spanish.
- Okay.
- But I'm so hungry.
- You are? Ay.
- My mom only gave me quinoa for breakfast.
- Quinoa?
Aquí no hacemos eso.
Ay,my poor baby. You must be starving.
I'm going to make you some real food.
Quinoa...
* *
- Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you habloEnglish?
- Yes, I do. And I can also hear.
- So I just want to point out these.
- Nice toys.
- Uh, uh, uh, toys are for children.
These are collectibles.
- Even this gum?
- Oh, oh, that is a vintage
1970 Super Bazooka spearmint bubblegum.
- So should we bubble-wrap them?
Okay, we'll be careful.
- I prefer you not touch them at all.
I'll handle it.
Oh, all my ex-wives claim I love my collectibles
more than them.
[laughs] It's true.
- I bet they prefer their toys, too.
- No, no, no, no, no. Uh, stop, por favor.
¿Cómo se dice,um...?
Valuable collectibles!
Why am I yelling?
Oh, I'm sorry.
No mano. No mano.
- Sí. No mano.
- Please stop packing.
- Qué mala onda...
- [speaking Spanish]
- Oh, my God! Just speak English!
[both gasp]
- Wow.
- Eres unaKaren.
- I-I...
Oh, no, I-- Oh.
I-I didn't mean it like that, guys.
I just--
Ay, no.
- Okay, gordo,now you should have enough energy
para hablar español.
- No, I'm tired.
I should really lie down and watch "Ninja Turtles."
But I wouldn't hate it if dessert showed up.
- No, señor.
If you're not even going to try,
then you don't get to watch what you want.
I am going to watch my novela en español.
- Fine. I'm going to play with my toys in English!
[dramatic music plays on TV]
Who's that guy with an eye patch?
- Oh, that's Don Julio.
He lost his eye when he fell into a sewer
and a rat chewed it off.
- Wow!
That sounds a lot like "Ninja Turtles."
- Oh, no, it's more interesting than turtle ninjas.
Someone gets slapped in every episode.
And one of them is named Rafael,
who has an evil twin also named Rafael.
- How do they tell them apart? - They can't.
- [gasps] I want to watch.
- Oh, no, it's only for people who speak Spanish.
* *
- "Speak English," Mayan?
Why don't you just tell them to build a wall, too?
- I know. I feel terrible.
- Who pretends to be fluent in Spanish?
I mean, why would you do that?
- Because I knew you'd make fun of me if you knew I wasn't.
- Of course I would, gringa.
- There it is. It's not cool to shame me, Dad.
Just because I don't speak Spanish
doesn't mean I'm not a real Lopez.
- Yes, it does.
Real Latinos know the language,
and you're lazy for not learning it.
You're like Dora that-- that, uh, doesn't explor-a.
- You're the lazy one for not teaching me as a kid.
If you had,
I would have been able to communicate with the guys.
They said something about a podcast.
I love podcasts.
- Mayan, you're the one that delayed us for hours.
You insulted my employees, and now you're putting it on me.
I should have never let you help me.
- Oh, I'm so sorry for working for free on my day off
to help dig your business out of the hole.
- Oh, yeah? You want to learn some Spanish?
Write this down-- eres una malcriada.
- Oh, so you want to use the bad words.
Happy to oblige, baboso.
- Payasa. - Borracho.
- Mocosa. - Naranja.
- Mayan, that just means orange.
- [gasps]
Oh, my God! Zilla!
There's only three of these left in the world
that still shoot the hand rockets.
How did this happen?
- It wasn't me.
- What's going on?
- My property has been damaged.
Could you please get your employees under control?
- I'm sorry. Did you say his employees?
- Yes, why?
- Because I'm the boss.
- Yeah, and I'm the muscle.
No, you got this.
- He's not automatically in charge
just because he's white.
- I'm sorry. It was a misunderstanding.
- It was a racist assumption.
- Well, I mean, I-I-I don't know that race--
- You want to make this awkward moment go away?
- More than anything.
- Why don't we forget what happened,
as long as you forget how your collectible was broken?
- Deal.
Thank you for not calling it a toy.
- This gum is stale.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- I'm sorry I called you an orange, Dad.
- It's not that you called me an orange, Mayan.
It's the way that you called me an orange.
- I'm just frustrated.
I wish I had the time to learn Spanish,
but I'm a working mom.
It's tough, you know. - Yeah, I do know.
Because when you were little, I was working all the time,
and your mom didn't force you, so it didn't happen.
- But I don't feel like I can be a proud Latina
because I don't speak the language.
- Yo entiendo tu dolor, amor.
both: No.
- No, I-I'm just saying, like, knowing Spanish is cool now.
AOC, Cardi B, Bad Bunny...
They are changing the game.
It's a real Latinx-plosion.
- How about you stop Latinx-plaining
and AOC yourself out of this conversation?
- I want to join you guys for a drink,
so I'll go warm up my sake.
- When I was growing up, Mayan, there was no Bad Bunny.
There was pressure to blend in, you know.
My grandmother didn't want me to be in the sun
'cause she didn't want me to get too dark.
One year I spent the whole summer inside as a blonde.
- Oh, I saw those pictures.
You looked like a Mexican Ken doll--
a Mexi-Ken.
Now, that's a collectible.
- I thought that if you didn't speak Spanish,
you'd have an easier time blending in.
- So it's your fault I'm not a real Lopez.
- Oh, no, you're real Lopez.
The way you bullied that rich white guy,
you don't need to learn Spanish.
- No, I'm going to commit to learning with Chance.
Pretty soon this chica will be more fluent than JLo.
- Setting the bar low--smart.
- Oh, and, babe, can you do me a favor?
- Yeah. Whatever you need.
- Will you only talk to Chance and I in Spanish
so it'll force us to learn?
- Honey, as a white man,
I don't feel as though I'm in a position
to force you and Chance to do anything.
both: Yes!
Ha ha! Ha!
- [screams]
- [mouths word]
- Oh!
- [gasps]
- Aah!
* *