[upbeat saxophone music]
- Oscar, seagull. - [imitates seagull cry]
Oh! Five points-- it touched your lips.
Chance, seagull. - [imitates seagull cry]
- There you go--ten points! Man, game over. You win.
You're the king of the garbage birds.
Collect your winnings off the floor.
- Dad, that's enough.
Last time I took Chance to the beach,
he fought an actual seagull for a fry.
- Yeah, but he won, and we ate good that day.
- Mom, did you get my birthday invitations?
- Yep, thanks to the printer at work.
Oh, I also swiped these poop bags
to put the party favors in.
- This is for you, Grandpa.
You're coming, right?
- Of course I'll be there. We're roommates.
I think it would be really awkward if I didn't go.
- [clears throat] Hello. I'm right here.
- We're at full capacity, but you're on the wait list.
- Then so is your gift.
It's ham.
- His birthday's at the insect museum?
- Yeah. - With all the dead bugs?
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll save you some money, Mayan.
I stepped on a cockroach this morning.
It's still stuck to my shoe. I'll show it to you for free.
- Do you think the museum has ladybugs?
I always wondered what it would be like
to go on a fancy date with one.
[British accent] Hello, milady. Fancy a crumpet?
- And that's why you're not invited.
You're a whole freak.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- What are you guys doing? - Paying bills.
- Very responsible. Got to go.
- Hold up.
Look, we know it's been hard for you losing your home,
keeping your business afloat,
zipping up your pants after five beers.
We're not asking you for rent. - Whew. Okay, I'll stay.
- I'm here. - Now I want to go again.
- I have exciting news.
Your tíasare coming to town for Chance's birthday.
- Wait, my actual tíasor the ladies you made me call "tías,"
like your cousins, your coworkers,
and your favorite cashier at Chico's?
- Mm, Janet and I aren't speaking,
and it's up to her to make it right.
Anyway, it's Daisy, Lily, and Flor,
the tíasfrom New York who travel together.
- They share one broomstick
unless they decided to go Jet Bruja.
- Well, I've never met them.
So I hope I can make a good impression.
- Unless your name is Julio Iglesias, Andy Garcia,
or a Carnival Cruise Line captain,
they're not going to be impressed.
- I am just excited to practice my Spanish with them.
See, I already got my Mexican accent down.
And now I get to showcase my Cuban one.
Ready? In Mexican, it's...
[speaking Spanish]
And in Cuban, it's...
Accent's all in the hands.
I'm going to iron my guayabera.
- Don't worry. I'll make sure he does none of that.
- He should just speak English.
They don't like it when people try so hard.
- Oh, then they're going to love the dead bug party,
because clearly Mayan didn't try too hard planning that.
Was the roadkill museum closed?
- Hey, this is what Chance wants.
I know my son.
- And I know how to show that kid a good time.
So come on, Mayan, let me plan this birthday.
Remember all the great birthday parties I threw you?
- I threw them. You threw up at them.
- I remember one year you drank so much
that you passed out in the bounce house.
- Best sleep of my life.
It's soft in there,
hugs your curves in all the right places.
- You never even got me gifts.
I asked you for a puppy every year until I was 14,
but the closest I got was that woman you dated named Fifi.
- She always came when I called her.
Good Fifi.
Mayan, if I had given you a dog,
you would have gotten your fill of dogs,
and then you would have never wanted
to pursue a career as a vet, so you're welcome.
- I wanted to be a vet because of "Air Bud."
- I thought it was because of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."
Come on, Mayan, this is my first birthday with Chance.
Let me throw him a classic Lopez backyard banger
with a bounce house, a piñata, and chickens
that start out as entertainment and end up as dinner.
- Mayan and Quentin can't afford all that.
Look how they dress.
- They can't, but you can, sugar mama.
Picture this-- a banner that says
"Chance's Seventh Birthday,
"sponsored by Rosie La Reina's Insurance.
Se habla inglés."
You know how many people
come to a Latino kid's birthday party?
And I can guarantee you none of them will have insurance.
- I'm in.
- All right, I got to go talk to Oscar.
He's got a hookup at the party store.
Her name is Brenda, and she's got nice balloons.
- There's no way he actually follows through with this.
- Oh, no way in hell.
All he's going to do is hit on that girl at the party store.
Oh, I should call ahead and warn her.
* *
[birds chirping]
- What's going on?
You actually came through?
If there's one thing I can rely on you for,
it's being unreliable.
- I'm adulting. I'm an adulterer.
- I got some bad news.
I think the bounce house is broken.
I tried blowing into it, but it won't inflate.
- It has a motor, fool.
What did you even blow into?
- Before you start blowing anything up,
we should check with Chance
to see if this is what he really wants.
I'm sure he wants a bug party.
He's so excited that he started his own bug collection,
and now I have to burn his sheets.
- Oh, those ants are my fault. I keep hot dogs under the bed.
Why do you think I'm never hungover?
- Chance?
- Eh, I was just about to do that--Chance.
- It's not a competition. Chance!
- Then why am I winning? Chance!
- I got a bounce house? This party's about to be lit!
- What about the bugs? - They're dead.
They'll still be dead next week.
- I guess he's okay with it.
Want to see a live chicken?
Say hello to Hennifer Lopez.
- Whoa!
- Don't get too attached.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Hey, gordo, enjoying the party?
- It's the best, Grandpa.
- Did you do what I said?
- Yes, I got three girls' numbers...
as soon as they're old enough to have phones.
- And as soon as you're old enough to get a phone,
I'll show you how to save their numbers
as Domino's, Pizza Hut, and Little Caesars.
- Why?
- Because when you get older,
you're going to want to eat a lot of different pizza
from a lot of different places...
thin and thick crust.
- Your dad and I really nailed this party, didn't we?
- Yeah, it's great--
almost like two adult children got high
and planned a birthday party.
- Okay, what's going on with your vibe?
- What are you talking about?
- Mm, I can tell when something's bothering a woman.
I have, how do you say, women's intuition.
- Oh, Lord.
- I'm getting the feeling that you're bummed
that Chance chose this big party over your idea.
- No.
I want him to be happy.
If he's happy, I'm happy.
- But you don't sound happy.
- I'm having the time of my life, menso.
- Okay, this is
women-on-women's-intuition violence.
- Ay, there he is.
Quinten, this is Tía Daisy.
- Your kind eyes remind me
of my late husband, Raymundo.
- I'm sorry for your loss. When did he pass?
- 25 years ago.
But when you wear him in a locket around your neck,
it's like it was yesterday.
- And this is Tía Lily.
- It's actually Mrs. Dr. Lily Rodriguez.
- Oh, are you a doctor?
- My husband is, so pretty much.
- And my cousin Flor.
- I love your sparkly visor.
- Would you believe I make them myself?
I sell them on "Es-ty."
- Well, Quinten does well, too.
He works at the Apple Genius Bar.
- Oh! - Mm-hmm.
I'm going to go make us some drinks.
Why don't you tell them about the time
that you fixed Enrique Iglesias's phone.
[ladies gasp]
- Okay, so, uh, he brought it in,
and I fixed it.
- But where was Julio?
- Can you reset my facial recognition?
It hasn't worked since I got stung on the lips by a bee
and the swelling spread to my breasts.
- Sure, no problem.
- [speaking Spanish]
- Déjame decirte algo...
[speaking Spanish]
[laughter]
- Oh, hey, papa.
How about you hang with your mom for a little bit?
- Maybe later. Right now I'm having fun.
- So am I!
- Girl...
- We're going to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Grandpa says he's the best
because he's been chasing tail his whole life.
I didn't get it, but I laughed anyways.
[cumbia music]
* *
- Ow!
* *
- Oh!
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Rosie, I need to tell you something,
and it might be upsetting.
- Oh, I already know about your inverted nipples.
- Not what I was going to say.
But update--they reverted.
I overheard the tíastalking about you.
They didn't realize that I understand Spanish.
- Interesting. What did they say?
- Oh, just g-general stuff,
like how you're struggling with business
and fashion choices and lack of romantic fulfillment.
- So they called me a hoochie who can't get laid?
- A broke hoochie.
Sorry.
If you hate me for telling you, I completely understand.
- I don't hate you.
That was a test. You passed.
- I'm sorry, what?
- I left you alone with those chismosason purpose
to see if you would report back, and you did.
I trust you now.
- You didn't trust me before?
Rosie, I've been with Mayan for eight years.
- But you're not married,
so you have to keep proving your loyalty.
If you want the tests to stop, put a ring on it.
- It's always fun. No matter where we start,
we always end up right back here.
So are you mad at the tíasnow? - Ay, no.
In our family, chismeis our love language.
If we stop talking crap about you,
we don't care anymore.
I say stuff, too.
Daisy's amazing husband, Raymundo--
scam artist.
I think he faked his own death to get away from her.
- Oh, my. - Mm-hmm.
And Lily's big-deal doctor husband works at the morgue.
I think he helped Raymundo fake his death.
- No!
- Mm-hmm.
And you want to hear the biggest shock of them all?
Flor doesn't bedazzle her own visors.
She outsources to Thailand.
- Get out!
I mean, her visors are nice,
but they aren't even that sparkly, right?
- Don't talk about my family.
- I thought you-- because you said--
Isn't that how you show that you care?
- Yes, us.
But not you.
Pero...
you can help me talk to them in my other love language--
revenge.
- Thank God I passed your test.
- [laughs]
- Just coming over for a feelings check.
Talk to me. This is a safe space.
- Not for you.
- Let's just be honest with each other.
I'll go first.
Sometimes I think about your mom in the shower.
- What?
- Now you admit that you're jealous of this party.
- No. I'm just annoyed that my dad has Chance thinking
that every birthday has to be bigger and better.
So next year he's going to expect a private party
on a yacht like he's El Chapo.
They're already the same height.
- I don't buy it.
- Ugh.
And now his big head is in the bounce house.
Adults aren't allowed in there.
I'm going in. - Wait.
I don't think it's safe to go in there with the cake cutter.
- Dad, get out of there.
[pop, air hissing]
- What the hell, Mayan? You stabbed the bounce house!
I was going to sleep in here tonight.
- It was an accident!
- I blew it up with my mouth.
- Agh!
Can someone get us out of here?
- Not yet. It's still hugging my curves.
- Look what you did.
Now I'll never get my deposit back.
- That's Mom's deposit. She paid for it.
- I know. I was going to keep it.
So what gives, Mayan?
I give Chance a great birthday party, and you're mad?
It's like you don't want me to have fun with my grandson.
- Why does he get that when I never did?
- Oh, so that's what it is.
- I never got to do a piñata with you
or blow out candles.
I wanted to be spun so hard
that I stuck a pin in a tía'sbutt.
- So I do everything right,
and you're still throwing the past in my face.
- No!
Yeah.
It's screwed up.
I mean, you're finally showing up for him
in ways you never showed up for me,
and I can't handle it.
And now my kid's birthday is ruined
because I'm jealous.
- I'll go. You've hurt her enough.
* *
- Having fun? - Claro que sí.
Even though the bounce house got destroyed,
my ass got stabbed,
and this cake appears to only have dos leches...
this has been a beautiful party.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, it's about to get better.
Quinten has offered
to upgrade your phones... [ladies gasp]
With the latest top-secret technology
that only white and Asian people get.
- I knew it!
- Yeah, you'll get reception in an elevator, on the moon,
the third-floor parking below TJ Maxx.
- Well, I prefer Marshalls, but okay.
- Oh, your voice recorder is on.
You must have accidentally hit the button earlier.
- Oh, that's okay.
[chuckles] I'll just delete it.
- Ay, no.
If it's been recording this whole time, we should keep it.
You know, as a memory for Chance
so he can listen to the sounds of his party
and the tíastalking.
Shall we have a listen?
- Oh, no, I don't-- - Ay!
- I'm sorry.
A-a spasm.
I-it's the ghost of Raymundo.
He still like to slap my ass from the beyond.
Ay! Ay!
Stop it, Ray!
- Really?
You'd rather destroy a $900 phone
than admit that you called me a hoochie?
- I don't know what you're talking about, Rosie.
It was an accident.
Can the Apple genie fix it for me?
- I don't know.
Let me ask.
- ¿Puedes arreglar el teléfono?
- Por supuesto que sí.
[ladies gasp]
- El gringo e-speaks e-Spanish?
- Busted!
* *
- How's our birthday boy?
- He said it's the best banger he's ever been to.
- It's the only banger he's ever been to.
But I'll take it.
- About earlier...
I'm sorry about letting old stuff get in the way.
It's really nice that you did all that for Chance.
- Well, Mayan, you know, not all heroes wear capes.
Some wear corduroy slippers and knee-high white socks.
- The higher the sock, the downer the fool.
- That's what's up.
So I get why you were upset.
- You do? - Yeah.
I felt the same way
when my grandma was nice to you when you were little.
- Really?
- Yeah, I mean, Mayan,
I didn't have any birthday parties or any gifts.
I mean, my grandma said the fact that I called her Grandma
and that she fed me was a gift that I didn't deserve.
So I told her that I thought calling her Grandma
was a gift that she didn't deserve.
And she said, "Well, then call me Doña Pow Pow."
And the rest of my formative years are blank.
Ay,I got you something.
I got you that puppy you always wanted.
- Oh, Dad, I--
Wait. This isn't a puppy.
This is a very small, very old dog.
- Yeah, uh, it was a puppy when you were 14.
Don't squeeze it too hard
because the filling will come out like a churro.
That should be the dog's name, Mayan--Churro.
- I think I get to name my birthday puppy, thank you.
- What are you going to name it?
- Churro.
She even smells old.
- No, she got in my hot dog stash.
* *
- If I had to say something bad about my boss,
it would be that she is...
Too nice?
- Ay. - Is this fool for real?
- I'm sorry, my chismesucks.
- It should come natural.
- Yeah, no need to be out here doing the "chis-most."
- I see you added some white diversity to your coven.
Maybe you can sacrifice him instead of one of the chickens.
[imitates chicken clucking]
- [inhales deeply] Okay.
[speaking Spanish]
Hot dogs.
- Oh, Quinten, you are un oso chismoso.
- And your Cuban accent is good.
- It's all in the hands, baby.
- Don't do that. - Okay.
* *