[upbeat saxophone music]
- The pain medication might make Mr. Furley
a little woozy, so don't let him text any ex-girlfriends.
- When are you going to retire that corny-ass joke?
- When it stops making everyone's frickin' day.
- I saw on the security camera,
we got another compliment.
[sighs] I love feeling like I'm part of the team
without actually having to interact with anyone.
- Dr. Pocha, it's creepy that you watch us
on the cameras.
I usually charge people for that.
- Another one for Mayan.
They love that cat texting joke.
Never retire it.
- That means so much
coming from such a great friend and mentor.
It's like I'm Oprah, and you're Gayle.
I mean, you're Oprah, and I'm Gayle.
- What do you want?
- A 5% raise, my photo on the website,
and Brookie's parking spot? - [gasps]
- I'll give you the raise. - Yes.
- But that's actually my parking spot.
I gave it to Brookie because I want customers
to think my license plate says "Bad Bitch."
- [squeals] - [laughs]
Congratulations on the raise,
and nice try stealing my parking spot,
but a bad bitch doesn't walk three blocks.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Mayan.
- Hey, how'd the T-ball game go?
- Amazing.
Two parents thought I was Chance's mom,
and they were reading books during the game,
so you know they're smart.
- I meant how did the game go for Chance?
- Oh, it was a bloodbath.
- I need a beer and a tequila chaser,
and maybe if I black out, I can forget that game.
- Same. I'll take a milk in my room.
Actually, let's do chocolate milk,
and make it a double.
- Where does he get this stuff?
- Was the game that bad?
- [sighs] It's not about the scoreboard.
Okay, as their coach, I am teaching these kids
about courage in the face of defeat.
- All you're teaching them is how to lose,
and after losing 14 games in a row,
I think they got it.
- You know, it doesn't matter what you say, George,
'cause as long as I got this hat on,
I'm the boss. - Milk!
- Yep.
- Ay,it's a shame you keep missing Chance's games.
You need to ask your boss to let you off work early.
- I just asked for a raise.
I can't ask to leave early, too.
- Just do what I do. Use one of the three Ds--
death, discrimination, or diarrhea.
- As a mom, your kid looks up to you.
You don't want to let them down.
So you have to do whatever it takes to be there for them.
- I know, Mom. You were perfect.
- Oh, your words, not mine.
I always had a full-time job,
and I still managed to be at your T-ball games,
your dance recitals, and your OB-GYN appointments.
- That was last week, and I told you to stop coming.
- I'm telling you, Mayan,
you don't want to regret not being there for Chance
the way someone wasn't there for your T-ball games.
- I was at those T-ball games.
- You were passed out in your car.
- If a tree falls in the woods
and nobody's there to hear it...
it's still in the woods.
It's just laying there...
sleeping it off.
* *
- You ready for your game,gordo?
- Dad, we need to talk.
- An open dialogue? That's so mature.
My little man's growing up!
- The team voted,
and we don't want you to be our coach anymore.
- You're a baby, and you don't know what you're talking about.
- I'm sorry.
Nobody gets into T-ball to fire their dad.
- I-I have the coach's hat.
- Yeah, and I'm gonna need that back for the new guy.
- Aw, man! Did we miss it?
Shoot!
- Wait, wait, wait.
Your--your grandpa is taking my place?
- And me. I'm the third-base coach.
My first rule is no more overly positive cheers like,
"Losing isn't hard to do when we lose to friends like you."
- It's catchy, and it makes everyone feel good.
- We've been faking it!
Grandpa and tío Oscar promised to make us champs!
I want a trophy, dog!
- Are you sure, Chance?
As in maybe give your old man a second one.
- Sorry, just like me, you only get one.
* *
- Hi, Mom. Why are you mopping?
I just cleaned the floors this morning.
- I see you think that's true.
- At least it's the kitchen, not the bedroom.
I feel really weird about you organizing my sex toys.
- Oh, no, don't worry. I disinfected them first.
They're cooling off on the stove.
What are you doing here anyway?
Shouldn't you be at Chance's game?
Did you ask your boss for the time off?
- No, because like I told you, she just gave me a raise.
I'm not gonna leave her to close by herself.
- That's sweet, how you're bending over backwards
for a total stranger.
If only you had the same level of dedication
to your own child.
- Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!
- Yeah, it was a great night for everyone.
They won their game,
and I was nominated to run the snack booth.
- You don't miss being the coach?
- No, I am loving the opportunity to show Chance
how to bounce back from rejection
with grace and a mandatory hairnet.
- Get ready to bounce again, bro...
'cause the kids hated your figs in a blanket,
- Okay, let's get you upstairs, papa.
- Damn, I'm exhausted, man.
Those kids don't listen.
They complain, and when you need 'em, they disappear.
- It makes sense they made you their leader.
You know, Mayan knows the game, and she's great with kids.
If she was there, she could help you,
and Chance could have a parent at the games.
- I'm there.
- Stick to the figs there, Snack Efron.
I'd love Mayan to help, but she can't get off work.
- She only thinks she can't get off work.
Come here.
Just like she thinks that these floors are clean.
It takes a village to raise a perfect mom,
and I am that village.
- She just took the dog.
You think that's something we need to worry about?
- I think we should be worrying about what's for dinner.
- Now, who can tell me what's wrong with this sentence?
"Always play fair unless you're losing,"
which is why I want to introduce you
to your newest teammate, Robbie,
AKA the Mexicutioner!
- Yo.
- We work out at the same gym.
- Robbie mostly plays football.
- How does that help us?
- Okay, imagine Coach Oscar
is the first baseman on the other team.
Robbie comes up at bat.
He gets a hit,
and I yell, "Send 'em home, Robbie!"
And boom!
Out for the rest of the season!
Look who it is. - I know, I know.
I'm Betty Cracker.
- You can say that, not me.
- I just wanted to show the team
that when life gives you lemons, you make lemon bars.
- You know what? I know you're upset.
You can drop the act, okay?
There aren't any kids around to hear you.
- One of these days, when you least expect it,
I will find something you love and ruin it for you.
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- Who do we have here?
Hey, Churro.
What brings you in today?
That's your cue.
- Oh, I thought you read their minds or something.
I'm worried about her bad breath.
- Oh.
Well, given that they lick their butts throughout the day,
you got to cut 'em a little slack.
Hmm, looks good.
I'll give you some dental treats.
Anything else I can do for you?
- Yes, you can start treating my daughter
with a little respect.
- I'm sorry.
I respect you, Churro.
- No. My daughter is Mayan.
- Your Mayan's mom? - Oh, I know.
We look like we could be sisters.
And I need you to let her off work early
so she can attend her son's T-ball games on Thursdays.
[door opens] - Hey, Dr. Pocha, I--
Mom? Oh, my God, what's wrong with Churro?
- Nothing. Your mom just came down
to ask if you can leave early for your son's T-ball games.
- She what?
I'm so sorry, Dr. Pocha.
Her brain's been pickled by huffing Jean Nate and Fabuloso.
I'll take care of this. - Okay.
I'll let you two talk.
This mother-daughter dynamic is why I came in one weekend
and spayed myself.
[chuckles] I didn't. [both laugh]
Or did I?
- I can't believe you showed up at my work
and confronted my boss-- I'm so embarrassed.
- What? You weren't going to do it, so I did.
I'm a doer.
- This isn't double-mopping my floors
or asking my gyno to look a little deeper.
This is my place of work.
How is my boss supposed to respect me
when my own mother doesn't? - Okay.
It's not even my fault.
If you want to blame someone, blame your father.
- Ho-ho, I will.
Wait, for what? - Yeah.
He was complaining like always, saying,
[imitates George] "Oh, coaching these kids--it's too hard.
"I'm overwhelmed.
"I don't know how to be a husband,
"a father, a lover, a coach.
Orale."
And then he asked me to come speak to your boss, so I did.
It could've been so much worse, Mayan.
- Okay, so you were trying to respect me,
but Dad put you in a bad situation.
I'm sorry, Mom. - [groans]
All is forgiven--
not forgotten but forgiven.
* *
- Coach Grandpa, I'm so uncomfortable.
Why do I have to sleep on my glove?
- Quickest way to break it in is to sleep on it
with a baseball inside.
- You should do it.
You weigh, like, five times more than me.
- All right, first, no body-shaming,
and, second, you're higher up, so gravity makes you heavier.
- Dad, I need to talk to you.
- If this is about his weight, don't go there.
Someone's delicate tonight.
- Chance, put on your headphones.
- Ooh, you're in trouble.
- Mom, said you sent her to tell my boss
to let me leave early.
- What? I didn't tell her to do anything.
And even if I had,
name one time that that woman's ever listened to me--
even when we used our safe word, "chorizo."
- Gross, and don't gaslight me.
- I would never gaslight you. Gas is way too expensive.
You know what? I can prove that she's lying.
Quinten, get in here.
Presenting my star witness-- Gringo Starr.
- What's going on?
- Uh, hey, you were there when I was talking to Rosie.
Did I tell her to go to Mayan's work and talk to her boss?
- No, Rosie made some ominous comments and kidnapped the dog.
I was gonna stop her, but I did not want to offend
the only person who can get our floors clean.
[clears throat]
- Yeah, you see? Innocent.
- I don't know what's more shocking--
that you told the truth or that Mom lied to me.
- Well, she probably gaslit you, too.
I mean, she's got a good job. She can afford many gallons.
The good thing is that I'm here now,
you know, to defend myself against those lies.
- Wow, you think she's done this before--
blamed you for things that she's done?
- Uh, yeah.
She wanted me to seem worse than I am.
I'm bad enough. I don't need her help.
- Ooh, Grandma's in trouble.
- You're not supposed to hear with those on.
- Ooh, now I'm in trouble.
- I'm here.
Where did Churro vomit?
I brought my special blend of Fabuloso and lighter fluid.
- The only thing we'll be cleaning up today
are your lies...
Menti-Rosie.
- What's the viejo talking about?
- Mom, there's no Churro vomit.
I lied to get you over here
because I know Dad didn't ask you to show up at my work,
and we need to talk about it.
- Did he tell you this? And you believed him?
He's a liar. He fakes his diarrhea.
There, we talked about it.
- Quinten confirmed it.
- [sighs]
You're never gonna clean our floors again, are you?
- I got out my diaries because now I need to know
what childhood traumas you blamed on Dad
and which ones were you.
- So buckle up, bruja!
Because all your gas is coming to the light!
- When we're done here,
we really need to explain gaslighting to you.
Just keep score, Vanna Whiteboy.
- Here's my top-ten traumas from the early aughts.
Trauma number one--
the time nobody showed up to drive me home,
and I was left at Ross for five hours.
Mom or Dad?
- Surprise, your dad.
- I thought Ross was the babysitter.
- Okay, that's one for George.
- Number two--
the Easter egg hunt with no eggs.
Mom said you used all of them to make an Easter eggnog.
- Not possible-- I spent every Easter in Vegas
with Bunny Perez.
And she assured me that she didn't have any eggs.
- I forgot to put them out. - Okay, that's a Rosie one.
- Dead hamster?
Let legally blind grandma cut my hair?
Deported uncle? - [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- Decapitated Barbie?
Dead hamster number two?
Girl Scout scam?
I think we could use a little snack break.
- Two dead hamsters?
We got to keep your parents away from Churro.
- I'm gonna post this on my Instagram.
Rosie la reinais to blame-a.
- Yeah, you're really having fun with this, huh?
- I always knew you were poisoning Mayan against me.
- Congratulations.
You finally have proof that I am not the perfect mom.
But guess what. I've known that for years.
- Why are you agreeing with me? Is this what gaslighting is?
- [sighs] Ay.
You remember that summer that Mayan stayed at my sister's,
and I told you that it was
because I needed bunion surgery?
- Yeah, yeah, you went to Mexico.
- I never went to Mexico.
I dropped Mayan off, went back home,
pulled down the shades, got in bed,
and cried for three weeks straight.
Later, I found out I had a nervous breakdown.
- Wow, I'm--I mean, is that what the doctor said?
- Ay,doctor? I couldn't afford a doctor.
I saw that on "Grey's Anatomy."
- I mean, uh, how come you never told me?
- Because you being gone was part of it.
[sighs] I was working three jobs,
trying to start a new business,
raising a kid who was heartbroken after we split up.
I was just trying to hold it together
until I couldn't.
- Wow, I mean, you never said anything.
Every time I saw you, you looked hot.
- Thank you.
I know.
- Mayan never said anything.
- Oh, Mayan didn't know.
I wanted to be perfect for her
because everything in her life wasn't.
But I just couldn't keep it up.
So, yeah...
sometimes I threw you under the bus...
when I screwed up.
That's how I survived.
- [softly] Wow.
- Let's move to the middle-school years.
- Yeah, we don't have to go through this.
I recognize this.
These were all the mescal years.
Yeah, you know what? Those are all me.
Winner, winner! Pollo Loco dinner!
- This is not a game you want to win.
- I'm okay with that.
What do you know about winning anyways?
* *
[upbeat saxophone music]
- You want a drink? - Sure, what do you got?
Oh, remembering all the mescal years
made me thirsty for...
mescal.
- [chuckles]
You know, a lot of that stuff on that last list was my fault.
Why'd you take the blame?
- You did a great job raising Mayan,
despite everything that I threw at you.
And maybe you weren't the perfect mom,
but...you were the perfect mom for Mayan.
- You really think so? - Yeah.
And the proof is in that firecracker out there
in the living room. - [chuckles]
- And I understand why you did what you did.
I mean, let's face it.
If we played that game listing all the wrongdoings
I did to you, we'd run out of ink.
- Is that an apology?
- I'm starting to learn
that a little "lo siento" goes a long way.
- Okay, so we don't have to break out my old diaries
and read through them? - No.
Only the dirty parts.
- Those were some good parts.
- Chorizo.
- [clears throat] Chorizo.
- Ay, Dios mío.
* *
Okay, gordo, ready to go kick some T-balls?
- Grandpa, we need to talk.
- Oh, my God, he's firing us.
- Not my call.
All the cheating was filmed
and made into a TikTok by a mystery parent.
- Send him home, Robbie! Whoo!
And he didn't even tag me-- what a monster.
- It was someone named "@VannaWhiteboy."
- [gasps]
- Well, guess I'll take my hat back.
- Actually, I hired the perfect coach.
- Coach Mom in the house.
- How can you be coach?
I thought you weren't going to ask to leave early.
- I didn't have to.
I told the league it was discrimination
against working moms to have games before 5:00 p.m.
- You used one of the three Ds?
That's the one people are afraid of.
- Well, look who's coming through for Chance--me.
[giggles]
Oh, because I inspired you.
- You crossed a line and really embarrassed me.
- Oh, I know.
It was a bit much.
Lo siento.
- I forgive you.
- Aw, I forgive you, too.
- For what? - Lots of things.
Oh, but I don't keep a list like a little bitch.
* *