1
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:07,173
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>

2
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:08,675
<i>- It's your dad's</i>
<i>first Christmas with us.</i>

3
00:00:08,717 --> 00:00:10,010
How's it feel?

4
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:11,344
- I'm just happy we get
to spend <i>Nochebuena</i>

5
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,846
with both my parents.

6
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:16,391
We'll eat and dance,
open presents at midnight.

7
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,435
- Are we still gonna do
the Lopez family tradition

8
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:21,312
of dressing up and singing
<i>"Mi Burrito Sabanero"?</i>

9
00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:25,191
* Because I've been
rehearsing all week *

10
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:28,695
- Definitely.

11
00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:31,239
My dad always loved
playing the burro.

12
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:34,284
- Wait, but I play the kid
who rides the burro.

13
00:00:34,325 --> 00:00:35,744
Does that mean
I have to ride your dad?

14
00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:38,121
- No, you'll still be
riding my mom.

15
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,749
- Yes!

16
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,167
- We're here.

17
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,710
- Can you let me talk?

18
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,378
We're here.

19
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,963
- We went to Olive Garden,

20
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:48,256
and we brought back
unlimited salad.

21
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,674
You should eat it
within the hour

22
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:52,427
before it turns to soup.

23
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:54,554
- Were you guys on a date?

24
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,097
- Ew! As if.

25
00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,351
We went to talk
about Christmas.

26
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:00,685
- We were just talking
about how nice it is

27
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:01,853
that we're all
gonna be together.

28
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,063
- Aww, yeah.

29
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,732
We're not doing that.

30
00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:06,900
- What?

31
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,276
- Yeah, we decided to split it.

32
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,236
I get <i>Nochebuena</i>
and Christmas morning.

33
00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:11,571
- And I get to go
to Oscar's house

34
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,822
and eat pizza, watch the game,

35
00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:15,575
and then take a trip
to the North Pole.

36
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,661
That's a strip club
in Van Nuys.

37
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,748
I'ma make it rain, dear.

38
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,958
- But I thought
you two were getting along.

39
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,377
You just went to lunch.

40
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:27,087
- Yeah, we can get
through one meal

41
00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:28,505
as long as there's
no appetizers,

42
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,298
no dessert, and your dad
hides in the bathroom

43
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,550
until I pay the bill.

44
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:33,843
- And that's why
we're not gonna

45
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:34,928
be together on <i>Nochebuena.</i>

46
00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:36,012
Hell, why wait?

47
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,055
Let's start now.

48
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,099
Bye, bruja.

49
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,309
- Bye, <i>borracho.</i>

50
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:45,647
- I'm sorry.

51
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:46,981
I know you wanted
to spend Christmas

52
00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:48,441
with both your parents.

53
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,402
- Oh, we're spending
Christmas together,

54
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:53,571
even if I have to drag the joy
out of them by force.

55
00:01:55,156 --> 00:02:00,161
- * That sounds horrible *

56
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:03,123
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>

57
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:10,338
<i>* *</i>

58
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,511
- All right, how do we
celebrate Christmas?

59
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,430
The North Pole shut down.

60
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,640
We could go
to Jiggle All the Way.

61
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,394
- Or you can stay here with
your favorite boob, Quinten.

62
00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:27,814
- You gotta stay, George.

63
00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:32,485
I am making traditional
Mexican tamales just for you.

64
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,154
I have a secret ingredient.

65
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,697
- Is it molly?

66
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,660
- No, it's jalapeños.

67
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,203
[chuckles]

68
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,538
- That's not a secret.

69
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,498
Everyone knows
what jalapeños are.

70
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,251
- Rosie and I
made an agreement,

71
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,253
and unlike our marriage,
I'm gonna honor it.

72
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,880
I'll be gone
for her favorite holiday,

73
00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,256
and she'll be gone for mine.

74
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,257
- Which one?

75
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:56,760
- Cinco de Mayo.

76
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,095
I mad dog every gringo
in a sombrero

77
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:00,930
until they buy me a drink.

78
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:06,436
God bless white guilt.

79
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,522
- So what if I get Mom
to change her mind?

80
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,275
Would you stay for Christmas
for me,

81
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,819
your one and only daughter
that we know of?

82
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,865
- No, I can't handle
your mom on Christmas.

83
00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,533
She goes overboard
with the decorations.

84
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:23,286
She crowns herself
<i>La Reina de Navidad.</i>

85
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:26,623
She invites more Cubans
than are in Cuba.

86
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:29,834
- But if I get her to tone it
down, you'll come, right?

87
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:30,960
- Sure, Mayan.

88
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,170
It'll be a Christmas miracle

89
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,421
if you get anywhere
with that <i>loca.</i>

90
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,839
- Oh, I'm a <i>loca?</i>

91
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,633
Do I look like a <i>loca</i>to you?

92
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,805
- This sounds like underwear.

93
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:45,767
- Chance, Christmas isn't
just about getting presents.

94
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,311
- Does Nana know that?
'Cause don't tell her.

95
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,481
- See?
He doesn't understand

96
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,400
what the true meaning
of Christmas is.

97
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,734
That's why I came over here.

98
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,403
We need to spend Christmas
as a family.

99
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:57,696
- We are doing that.

100
00:03:57,737 --> 00:04:00,407
- With Dad.
- I'm out.

101
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:01,741
He's just gonna ruin everything

102
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,536
by passing out on the couch
way before midnight.

103
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:07,414
We'll be carrying him
up the stairs, singing,

104
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:10,542
* Joy to the world,
the drunk is done *

105
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,086
- This year will be different.

106
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,170
- How?

107
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,298
- Because Dad's already agreed

108
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,092
not to drink on <i>Nochebuena.</i>

109
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,927
- He has?
- He has?

110
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,054
- He has.

111
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,765
- Well, I guess
if your father's agreed

112
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,518
to stop drinking,
I can give up a little too.

113
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,311
I don't want him to win.

114
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,815
- Great, so we're gonna
keep it small--

115
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:34,858
just us.

116
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,484
- But it's not
a Latino Christmas

117
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,445
unless there's at least
ten family members.

118
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,113
I even invited the garbage man.

119
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,741
Now he's gonna think I'm trash.

120
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,826
- And just one Christmas tree.

121
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,999
- One is for Santa,

122
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:54,044
and one is for Jesus.

123
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:56,463
It's his birthday.

124
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,256
Oh, should I throw away
the cake

125
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,883
that I made for him too?

126
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,222
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>

127
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,141
- "Feliz Navi-Dad."

128
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,726
You don't have to prove
you're a dork, bro.

129
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,186
We already know.

130
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,272
- Tamales are messy,

131
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,316
and I don't want to get stains
on my sweater.

132
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,614
- I got you premium masa
for your tamales

133
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,283
from a guy
known as the Masa Man.

134
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,827
He'll only meet in the alley
behind Big Lots,

135
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,163
like they did
in the old country.

136
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,831
- He sells another kind of masa

137
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,375
that'll light up your nose
like Rudolph.

138
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,006
- This is gonna be fun
because I found

139
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,550
a great recipe
for traditional Mexican tamales

140
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,845
by the Barefoot Contessa.

141
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:47,931
She adds walnuts.

142
00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:54,938
- When you cook,
you gotta cook with passion--

143
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:58,942
tears, sweat, unspoken desire.

144
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:03,196
- That sounds like
a health code violation.

145
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:06,116
- Haven't you seen
the classic 1992 film,

146
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,867
"Like Water for Chocolate"?

147
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:11,079
The secret to great masa
is <i>mas amor.</i>

148
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:17,460
- Okay, you want to help me
make these tamales?

149
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:19,087
<i>Auténtico?</i>

150
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,550
- Fine, but I gotta warn you.

151
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,176
You're not gonna want
to wear that sweater

152
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,220
on <i>Nochebuena,</i> because...

153
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:31,016
[whispering] It's gonna get
real steamy in here.

154
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,061
[normally]
We need to steam the tamales

155
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:37,522
for approximately 35 minutes,
so...

156
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,609
- There's something wrong
with this beer.

157
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,319
Try it. Ugh.

158
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,865
- Mm.

159
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,701
Just as good as beer
that contains alcohol.

160
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,453
- Oh!

161
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:53,580
Is this fake beer?

162
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:55,331
"Nodelo."

163
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,837
- I just thought
you might want to try

164
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,422
being sober for <i>Nochebuena</i>

165
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,466
so you can stay up
till midnight.

166
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:06,926
Won't that be a nice
Christmas memory for Chance?

167
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,636
- Oh, man,
Christmas without beer

168
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,972
is like Easter without beer.

169
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,935
- Please, Dad?

170
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,979
We can celebrate
just like we used to.

171
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,731
You can consider it
your Christmas gift to me.

172
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,859
- Well, since I got you nothing
and I can't return it

173
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:26,404
'cause I didn't keep
the receipt,

174
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:30,367
I guess I could go
one day without beer.

175
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,954
- Or wine, hard liquor,
or mouthwash.

176
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:42,212
<i>* *</i>

177
00:07:42,253 --> 00:07:43,838
<i>It's</i>Nochebuena, <i>gordo.</i>

178
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,048
<i>Time to light the tree.</i>

179
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,424
You want to turn it on?

180
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,845
- Let's get lit.

181
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,389
Oh, wow.

182
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:53,556
- Oh, no.

183
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:58,311
That tree is barely dressed.

184
00:07:58,353 --> 00:08:01,272
Well, don't worry.
I brought more ornaments.

185
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,525
- Mom, you agreed
to take it down a notch.

186
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,859
- I am.

187
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,611
I only went to one
of my storage lockers.

188
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,906
- Hi, my name is George,
and I've been sober

189
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,201
for 45 minutes.

190
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,911
Wow, the tree looks great.

191
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,496
Where's my--
where's my ornament,

192
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:19,582
the one with Santa being
pulled by the cholo Chihuahuas?

193
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,503
On, Sad Girl. On, Creeper.

194
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,630
On, Puppet. On, Dreamer.

195
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,384
- I threw those out years ago.
It clashed.

196
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:32,137
- Clashed with what?
- Taste.

197
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,221
- I'll give you something
that you could ta--

198
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,141
- Okay, how about we do

199
00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:38,018
everyone's favorite tradition,

200
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,811
<i>"Mi Burrito Sabanero"?</i>

201
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,062
Quinten!

202
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,689
- Is it time to ride?

203
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:44,065
Saddle up, Rosie.

204
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:46,109
It is a long way to Bethlehem.

205
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,240
- But wait, wait, wait, I--
I'm the burro.

206
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:53,992
- Well, you wandered off
the barn ten years ago.

207
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,161
A lot has changed.
I am the burro now.

208
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,206
- This is how
we always do it, Grandpa.

209
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,043
- Oh, but don't worry, Dad.

210
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,502
There's plenty
of other good parts.

211
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,380
- Not really.
- Not helping.

212
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,215
- It's all good.
I'll be Mary's nosy neighbor.

213
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,550
The one that has seen so much

214
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:12,010
that she knows
she ain't a virgin.

215
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,678
So...

216
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,804
you guys get started.

217
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,806
I'll go get some binoculars.

218
00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:19,726
- Remember that year
Nana farted in Dad's face?

219
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:22,604
- [laughs] I was a burro.

220
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,731
I was in character.

221
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:25,857
- Here we go.
- [laughs]

222
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,233
- Here we go. Here we go.

223
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,777
Jumping in, and we're in.

224
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,946
[laughter]

225
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:38,661
- You're getting too excited,
Quinten.

226
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,539
- I think she did it again.
She did it again.

227
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,375
Oh, Rosie.

228
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:46,336
[laughter]

229
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:52,300
- Okay, time to sing.

230
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,969
<i>all: * Con mi burrito</i>
<i>sabanero *</i>

231
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,931
[all singing in Spanish]

232
00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:05,146
* *

233
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:15,865
<i>[melodramatic music]</i>

234
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:22,789
<i>* *</i>

235
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,800
- It's my first time...

236
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,552
chopping onions.

237
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:42,517
<i>* *</i>

238
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,688
- [gasps]

239
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,899
All the blood
is rushing to my...

240
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,651
taste buds.

241
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:54,738
[gasps]

242
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,448
What are you--oh.

243
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:09,044
- Some people prefer
their masa thin.

244
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,004
But I prefer mine thick.

245
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,630
Something to grab onto.

246
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:26,436
[fire alarm blaring]

247
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,064
- Turn on a fan!
- Open the back door.

248
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,648
- [screams]

249
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,111
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>

250
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,905
<i>- What the hell?</i>

251
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:40,116
I was only gone an hour.

252
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,452
- I know.
I really could have used two.

253
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:44,788
- And is that a new crown?

254
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,873
- Oh, it's not my fault
that the wreath on the door

255
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,709
is the size of my head.

256
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,919
- Oh, God.

257
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,797
Help me take this stuff down
before Dad sees.

258
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,173
- Too late.

259
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:58,093
I see.

260
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:01,221
And Mary's nosy neighbor
has a secret.

261
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,100
- Dad, we did the song
an hour ago.

262
00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:06,101
You missed it.

263
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:09,020
- Oh, did I?

264
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,648
And what are you
looking at, fool?

265
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,943
Sitting high on that shelf
like you're better than me.

266
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,820
- Oh, my God, he's drunk.

267
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,405
- I told you
he couldn't stay sober.

268
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,614
He has a problem.

269
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,241
- You're the one
that has a problem,

270
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:24,327
making this holiday
all about you.

271
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,955
The Ghost of Christmas Crazy.

272
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,666
- Okay. Everyone calm down.

273
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,627
- Yeah, tell that
to Old Saint Dick.

274
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,007
- <i>Cállate,</i>Frosty With No Men.

275
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,217
- Hey, stop it.

276
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,806
We are not fighting
on Christmas.

277
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,474
- You know what?
This is all your fault.

278
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,768
- What?
- Yeah.

279
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,730
Don't act so innocent,
Virgin Mary.

280
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,191
- Your mother and I had this
all worked out.

281
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:56,443
All this could have
been avoided

282
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,986
if you didn't force me
to be here.

283
00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:02,032
- Yeah, and you didn't force me
to dim my Christmas light.

284
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:04,701
I am the North Star!

285
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,870
- Wait, you guys don't get
to be mad at me.

286
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,455
I'm mad at you.

287
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:11,082
I just wanted my family
together for Christmas.

288
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,334
Is that too much to ask?

289
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:13,960
- Absolutely!
- Yes!

290
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,131
- Then don't be here.

291
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:20,425
Get out.

292
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,386
- Fine, but I'm taking

293
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,764
the spirit of Christmas
with me.

294
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,447
- I live here.
Where am I supposed to go?

295
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,908
- I don't know.
Follow the North Star.

296
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,871
- This isn't over, elf.

297
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:56,086
<i>* *</i>

298
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,339
- Happy birthday, baby Jesus.

299
00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,967
There'll be no blowing out
candles tonight.

300
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:06,846
I stress-ate your cake.

301
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,056
[knock at door]

302
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,599
Oh. Ooh.

303
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,685
That must be
the three wise men.

304
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,482
Oh, no,
it's just one old dummy.

305
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,608
- I just wanted to say
I'm sorry

306
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,110
that you're alone
on Christmas, Rosie.

307
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,862
I brought you a coffee.

308
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:25,073
- Thanks.
- Hey, what are you--

309
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,533
come on, Rosie,
don't leave me freezing

310
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:27,534
out here on your porch.

311
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:28,576
It's Christmas.

312
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,787
- It's 72 degrees.

313
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,832
Fine, come in.

314
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,668
You can't ruin <i>Nochebuena</i>
more than you already have.

315
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:41,423
- I really was trying
not to drink.

316
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,633
- And I was trying
not to overdo it.

317
00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:50,473
I'm sorry if I set you off.

318
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:52,976
- No.
[clears throat]

319
00:14:53,018 --> 00:14:54,477
It wasn't you.

320
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:58,273
It was <i>"Mi Burrito Sabanero."</i>

321
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,608
I mean, seeing you guys
having fun

322
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:03,486
doing our traditions without me

323
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:05,739
just made me realize
how much I missed

324
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,323
the last ten years,
and that you can't get

325
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,534
those Christmas memories back.

326
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,955
- Well, I thought you were
making memories with Oscar,

327
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:17,375
eating microwave pizza
in his mother's garage.

328
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,713
- I just made that up
to make you jealous.

329
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:27,385
The truth is that I've been
alone on Christmas

330
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,220
for the last ten years.

331
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,599
And it's a hard day for me.

332
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,393
So I-I drink to get through it.

333
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,022
- I ate God's cake.

334
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:50,617
Oh, George, it's been
hard for us too.

335
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:53,912
The reason why I started
going overboard on Christmas

336
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,789
was to distract us
from the fact

337
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:58,708
that you weren't there.

338
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:04,589
I put all my sadness
into an elaborate nativity set.

339
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:09,969
We did have a few
good Christmases, didn't we?

340
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:12,847
I can see why Mayan
wanted us together.

341
00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,934
- I mean, it's not
too late, Rosie.

342
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,020
I mean, we still have
a couple hours before midnight.

343
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:22,816
And I've been sober
for another 45 minutes.

344
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:25,026
Thank you, gas station potato.

345
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:28,071
- That's true.

346
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:32,659
There's still time
to make Jesus a second cake.

347
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,499
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>

348
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,459
- Where's Nana and Grandpa?

349
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,044
- They were naughty,
so Santa said

350
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,629
they can't have dinner
with us tonight.

351
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,881
- Santa's tearing
this whole family apart.

352
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:51,803
both: We're here.

353
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,471
- What, so you can
start fighting

354
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,723
and blame it on me again?

355
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,350
- Ay, Mayan,
don't be so <i>dramática.</i>

356
00:16:57,392 --> 00:16:59,144
It's <i>Nochebuena.</i>

357
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,479
- Somebody told me
this was all about family,

358
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:05,358
so bring on the <i>lechón.</i>

359
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,694
- How about an apology first?

360
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:10,572
- I'm sorry
that your <i>lechón</i>is so dry.

361
00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,158
- Apology accepted.

362
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,659
- Thank you.

363
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,077
[doorbell rings]

364
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,371
Oh, that must be
the rest of our guests.

365
00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:19,372
- What are you talking about?

366
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,373
- Well, Rosie doesn't feel like

367
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,708
it's a real Latino Christmas

368
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:24,169
unless there's at least
ten family members,

369
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,171
so...

370
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:27,339
hello, family.

371
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,840
- Surprise!

372
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:32,177
[indistinct chatter]

373
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:33,970
- [laughs]

374
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,805
Oh.

375
00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,434
Ahh!

376
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:43,188
Ay, this is
the best gift ever!

377
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,689
- Yeah, and it didn't
cost me nothing.

378
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:48,109
- Oh, thank you, George.

379
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,903
Where's your husband?
- I don't know.

380
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,905
I haven't seen him since 2007.

381
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:57,035
But I hear he has a new family
and a better haircut.

382
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,247
- Hey, man.
- Hey.

383
00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,624
- Sup.

384
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,501
- You know.

385
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,086
- Sure do.

386
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:10,382
- Ooh, presents.

387
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,591
What did you get me?

388
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,093
- What'd you get me?

389
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,260
both: This fool.

390
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:15,470
[laughter]

391
00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:19,724
- I have not seen you
in so long, George.

392
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:23,228
Somehow your head
just got bigger.

393
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,688
- Well, how would you
know that?

394
00:18:24,729 --> 00:18:28,274
Aren't most old bats blind
by your age, sir?

395
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:29,275
- Okay.
- Hold on.

396
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,654
- Okay, come in. Come in.

397
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,948
- Hey, where's your
token white guy?

398
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,412
<i>* *</i>

399
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,080
- Mmm.

400
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:46,126
These tamales are...
the worst I've ever had.

401
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:48,920
[all talking at once]

402
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:52,090
- Hey, a toast! Toast! Toast!

403
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:53,925
A toast!

404
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,640
To Oscar, my weed guy.

405
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,730
To Chance, my grandson.

406
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:09,274
To Mayan, my daughter.

407
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:13,778
To someone who claims
to be Chance's father.

408
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,743
To Rosie, <i>La Reina de Navidad.</i>

409
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:24,122
And to our old friends,
we've missed you.

410
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:30,003
And finally,
to your deadbeat husband.

411
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:32,380
But I kind of like that guy.

412
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:37,385
And if you see him,
tell him I said hello.

413
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:38,762
Feliz Navidad!

414
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:41,139
all: Feliz Navidad!

415
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:46,311
- It's midnight, Chance.

416
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,688
You can finally open
your presents.

417
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,357
- Grandpa should
open his first.

418
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,816
- What?

419
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:54,903
- This is from me.

420
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,821
You can't give me nothing,
but that doesn't mean

421
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,406
you don't deserve something.

422
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:03,828
- Hey, he finally learned that
Christmas is all about family.

423
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,414
- Shh!
- Sorry.

424
00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:11,878
- A beer?

425
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:16,675
This is the most beautiful gift
I've ever gotten.

426
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,468
It's even better
than your love.

427
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:24,057
But I'm gonna save this
for tomorrow, okay, boy?

428
00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,518
I'm gonna put it right here.

429
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:27,977
And don't drink this,

430
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:31,147
or I'll snap
your little elf legs.

431
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:34,150
Okay, Mayan,
since I missed it earlier...

432
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:35,485
<i>["Mi Burrito Sabanero" plays]</i>

433
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,737
- <i>"Mi Burrito Sabanero"!</i>

434
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:41,700
- You deserve a crown too.

435
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,703
<i>- [singing in Spanish]</i>

436
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:48,081
<i>* *</i>

437
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:50,417
- The role I was born to play.

438
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:54,379
Quinten, hop on.

439
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:55,922
<i>Vámonos.</i>

440
00:20:55,964 --> 00:21:03,096
<i>* *</i>

441
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,578
You know I can't
stay mad at you.

442
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:29,372
<i>[upbeat saxophone music]</i>