[upbeat saxophone music]
- It's your dad's first Christmas with us.
How's it feel?
- I'm just happy we get to spend Nochebuena
with both my parents.
We'll eat and dance, open presents at midnight.
- Are we still gonna do the Lopez family tradition
of dressing up and singing "Mi Burrito Sabanero"?
* Because I've been rehearsing all week *
- Definitely.
My dad always loved playing the burro.
- Wait, but I play the kid who rides the burro.
Does that mean I have to ride your dad?
- No, you'll still be riding my mom.
- Yes!
- We're here.
- Can you let me talk?
We're here.
- We went to Olive Garden,
and we brought back unlimited salad.
You should eat it within the hour
before it turns to soup.
- Were you guys on a date?
- Ew! As if.
We went to talk about Christmas.
- We were just talking about how nice it is
that we're all gonna be together.
- Aww, yeah.
We're not doing that.
- What?
- Yeah, we decided to split it.
I get Nochebuena and Christmas morning.
- And I get to go to Oscar's house
and eat pizza, watch the game,
and then take a trip to the North Pole.
That's a strip club in Van Nuys.
I'ma make it rain, dear.
- But I thought you two were getting along.
You just went to lunch.
- Yeah, we can get through one meal
as long as there's no appetizers,
no dessert, and your dad hides in the bathroom
until I pay the bill.
- And that's why we're not gonna
be together on Nochebuena.
Hell, why wait?
Let's start now.
Bye, bruja.
- Bye, borracho.
- I'm sorry.
I know you wanted to spend Christmas
with both your parents.
- Oh, we're spending Christmas together,
even if I have to drag the joy out of them by force.
- * That sounds horrible *
[upbeat saxophone music]
* *
- All right, how do we celebrate Christmas?
The North Pole shut down.
We could go to Jiggle All the Way.
- Or you can stay here with your favorite boob, Quinten.
- You gotta stay, George.
I am making traditional Mexican tamales just for you.
I have a secret ingredient.
- Is it molly?
- No, it's jalapeños.
[chuckles]
- That's not a secret.
Everyone knows what jalapeños are.
- Rosie and I made an agreement,
and unlike our marriage, I'm gonna honor it.
I'll be gone for her favorite holiday,
and she'll be gone for mine.
- Which one?
- Cinco de Mayo.
I mad dog every gringo in a sombrero
until they buy me a drink.
God bless white guilt.
- So what if I get Mom to change her mind?
Would you stay for Christmas for me,
your one and only daughter that we know of?
- No, I can't handle your mom on Christmas.
She goes overboard with the decorations.
She crowns herself La Reina de Navidad.
She invites more Cubans than are in Cuba.
- But if I get her to tone it down, you'll come, right?
- Sure, Mayan.
It'll be a Christmas miracle
if you get anywhere with that loca.
- Oh, I'm a loca?
Do I look like a locato you?
- This sounds like underwear.
- Chance, Christmas isn't just about getting presents.
- Does Nana know that? 'Cause don't tell her.
- See? He doesn't understand
what the true meaning of Christmas is.
That's why I came over here.
We need to spend Christmas as a family.
- We are doing that.
- With Dad. - I'm out.
He's just gonna ruin everything
by passing out on the couch way before midnight.
We'll be carrying him up the stairs, singing,
* Joy to the world, the drunk is done *
- This year will be different.
- How?
- Because Dad's already agreed
not to drink on Nochebuena.
- He has? - He has?
- He has.
- Well, I guess if your father's agreed
to stop drinking, I can give up a little too.
I don't want him to win.
- Great, so we're gonna keep it small--
just us.
- But it's not a Latino Christmas
unless there's at least ten family members.
I even invited the garbage man.
Now he's gonna think I'm trash.
- And just one Christmas tree.
- One is for Santa,
and one is for Jesus.
It's his birthday.
Oh, should I throw away the cake
that I made for him too?
[upbeat saxophone music]
- "Feliz Navi-Dad."
You don't have to prove you're a dork, bro.
We already know.
- Tamales are messy,
and I don't want to get stains on my sweater.
- I got you premium masa for your tamales
from a guy known as the Masa Man.
He'll only meet in the alley behind Big Lots,
like they did in the old country.
- He sells another kind of masa
that'll light up your nose like Rudolph.
- This is gonna be fun because I found
a great recipe for traditional Mexican tamales
by the Barefoot Contessa.
She adds walnuts.
- When you cook, you gotta cook with passion--
tears, sweat, unspoken desire.
- That sounds like a health code violation.
- Haven't you seen the classic 1992 film,
"Like Water for Chocolate"?
The secret to great masa is mas amor.
- Okay, you want to help me make these tamales?
Auténtico?
- Fine, but I gotta warn you.
You're not gonna want to wear that sweater
on Nochebuena, because...
[whispering] It's gonna get real steamy in here.
[normally] We need to steam the tamales
for approximately 35 minutes, so...
- There's something wrong with this beer.
Try it. Ugh.
- Mm.
Just as good as beer that contains alcohol.
- Oh!
Is this fake beer?
"Nodelo."
- I just thought you might want to try
being sober for Nochebuena
so you can stay up till midnight.
Won't that be a nice Christmas memory for Chance?
- Oh, man, Christmas without beer
is like Easter without beer.
- Please, Dad?
We can celebrate just like we used to.
You can consider it your Christmas gift to me.
- Well, since I got you nothing and I can't return it
'cause I didn't keep the receipt,
I guess I could go one day without beer.
- Or wine, hard liquor, or mouthwash.
* *
It'sNochebuena, gordo.
Time to light the tree.
You want to turn it on?
- Let's get lit.
Oh, wow.
- Oh, no.
That tree is barely dressed.
Well, don't worry. I brought more ornaments.
- Mom, you agreed to take it down a notch.
- I am.
I only went to one of my storage lockers.
- Hi, my name is George, and I've been sober
for 45 minutes.
Wow, the tree looks great.
Where's my-- where's my ornament,
the one with Santa being pulled by the cholo Chihuahuas?
On, Sad Girl. On, Creeper.
On, Puppet. On, Dreamer.
- I threw those out years ago. It clashed.
- Clashed with what? - Taste.
- I'll give you something that you could ta--
- Okay, how about we do
everyone's favorite tradition,
"Mi Burrito Sabanero"?
Quinten!
- Is it time to ride?
Saddle up, Rosie.
It is a long way to Bethlehem.
- But wait, wait, wait, I-- I'm the burro.
- Well, you wandered off the barn ten years ago.
A lot has changed. I am the burro now.
- This is how we always do it, Grandpa.
- Oh, but don't worry, Dad.
There's plenty of other good parts.
- Not really. - Not helping.
- It's all good. I'll be Mary's nosy neighbor.
The one that has seen so much
that she knows she ain't a virgin.
So...
you guys get started.
I'll go get some binoculars.
- Remember that year Nana farted in Dad's face?
- [laughs] I was a burro.
I was in character.
- Here we go. - [laughs]
- Here we go. Here we go.
Jumping in, and we're in.
[laughter]
- You're getting too excited, Quinten.
- I think she did it again. She did it again.
Oh, Rosie.
[laughter]
- Okay, time to sing.
all: * Con mi burrito sabanero *
[all singing in Spanish]
* *
[melodramatic music]
* *
- It's my first time...
chopping onions.
* *
- [gasps]
All the blood is rushing to my...
taste buds.
[gasps]
What are you--oh.
- Some people prefer their masa thin.
But I prefer mine thick.
Something to grab onto.
[fire alarm blaring]
- Turn on a fan! - Open the back door.
- [screams]
[upbeat saxophone music]
- What the hell?
I was only gone an hour.
- I know. I really could have used two.
- And is that a new crown?
- Oh, it's not my fault that the wreath on the door
is the size of my head.
- Oh, God.
Help me take this stuff down before Dad sees.
- Too late.
I see.
And Mary's nosy neighbor has a secret.
- Dad, we did the song an hour ago.
You missed it.
- Oh, did I?
And what are you looking at, fool?
Sitting high on that shelf like you're better than me.
- Oh, my God, he's drunk.
- I told you he couldn't stay sober.
He has a problem.
- You're the one that has a problem,
making this holiday all about you.
The Ghost of Christmas Crazy.
- Okay. Everyone calm down.
- Yeah, tell that to Old Saint Dick.
- Cállate,Frosty With No Men.
- Hey, stop it.
We are not fighting on Christmas.
- You know what? This is all your fault.
- What? - Yeah.
Don't act so innocent, Virgin Mary.
- Your mother and I had this all worked out.
All this could have been avoided
if you didn't force me to be here.
- Yeah, and you didn't force me to dim my Christmas light.
I am the North Star!
- Wait, you guys don't get to be mad at me.
I'm mad at you.
I just wanted my family together for Christmas.
Is that too much to ask?
- Absolutely! - Yes!
- Then don't be here.
Get out.
- Fine, but I'm taking
the spirit of Christmas with me.
- I live here. Where am I supposed to go?
- I don't know. Follow the North Star.
- This isn't over, elf.
* *
- Happy birthday, baby Jesus.
There'll be no blowing out candles tonight.
I stress-ate your cake.
[knock at door]
Oh. Ooh.
That must be the three wise men.
Oh, no, it's just one old dummy.
- I just wanted to say I'm sorry
that you're alone on Christmas, Rosie.
I brought you a coffee.
- Thanks. - Hey, what are you--
come on, Rosie, don't leave me freezing
out here on your porch.
It's Christmas.
- It's 72 degrees.
Fine, come in.
You can't ruin Nochebuena more than you already have.
- I really was trying not to drink.
- And I was trying not to overdo it.
I'm sorry if I set you off.
- No. [clears throat]
It wasn't you.
It was "Mi Burrito Sabanero."
I mean, seeing you guys having fun
doing our traditions without me
just made me realize how much I missed
the last ten years, and that you can't get
those Christmas memories back.
- Well, I thought you were making memories with Oscar,
eating microwave pizza in his mother's garage.
- I just made that up to make you jealous.
The truth is that I've been alone on Christmas
for the last ten years.
And it's a hard day for me.
So I-I drink to get through it.
- I ate God's cake.
Oh, George, it's been hard for us too.
The reason why I started going overboard on Christmas
was to distract us from the fact
that you weren't there.
I put all my sadness into an elaborate nativity set.
We did have a few good Christmases, didn't we?
I can see why Mayan wanted us together.
- I mean, it's not too late, Rosie.
I mean, we still have a couple hours before midnight.
And I've been sober for another 45 minutes.
Thank you, gas station potato.
- That's true.
There's still time to make Jesus a second cake.
[upbeat saxophone music]
- Where's Nana and Grandpa?
- They were naughty, so Santa said
they can't have dinner with us tonight.
- Santa's tearing this whole family apart.
both: We're here.
- What, so you can start fighting
and blame it on me again?
- Ay, Mayan, don't be so dramática.
It's Nochebuena.
- Somebody told me this was all about family,
so bring on the lechón.
- How about an apology first?
- I'm sorry that your lechónis so dry.
- Apology accepted.
- Thank you.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, that must be the rest of our guests.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, Rosie doesn't feel like
it's a real Latino Christmas
unless there's at least ten family members,
so...
hello, family.
- Surprise!
[indistinct chatter]
- [laughs]
Oh.
Ahh!
Ay, this is the best gift ever!
- Yeah, and it didn't cost me nothing.
- Oh, thank you, George.
Where's your husband? - I don't know.
I haven't seen him since 2007.
But I hear he has a new family and a better haircut.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
- Sup.
- You know.
- Sure do.
- Ooh, presents.
What did you get me?
- What'd you get me?
both: This fool.
[laughter]
- I have not seen you in so long, George.
Somehow your head just got bigger.
- Well, how would you know that?
Aren't most old bats blind by your age, sir?
- Okay. - Hold on.
- Okay, come in. Come in.
- Hey, where's your token white guy?
* *
- Mmm.
These tamales are... the worst I've ever had.
[all talking at once]
- Hey, a toast! Toast! Toast!
A toast!
To Oscar, my weed guy.
To Chance, my grandson.
To Mayan, my daughter.
To someone who claims to be Chance's father.
To Rosie, La Reina de Navidad.
And to our old friends, we've missed you.
And finally, to your deadbeat husband.
But I kind of like that guy.
And if you see him, tell him I said hello.
Feliz Navidad!
all: Feliz Navidad!
- It's midnight, Chance.
You can finally open your presents.
- Grandpa should open his first.
- What?
- This is from me.
You can't give me nothing, but that doesn't mean
you don't deserve something.
- Hey, he finally learned that Christmas is all about family.
- Shh! - Sorry.
- A beer?
This is the most beautiful gift I've ever gotten.
It's even better than your love.
But I'm gonna save this for tomorrow, okay, boy?
I'm gonna put it right here.
And don't drink this,
or I'll snap your little elf legs.
Okay, Mayan, since I missed it earlier...
["Mi Burrito Sabanero" plays]
- "Mi Burrito Sabanero"!
- You deserve a crown too.
- [singing in Spanish]
* *
- The role I was born to play.
Quinten, hop on.
Vámonos.
* *
You know I can't stay mad at you.
[upbeat saxophone music]