[Helen] Brought to you by
Carol's Crullers.
They're fancy donuts.
Pay for 'em.
[whispers] I can't figure out number nine.
Barry. There's no right answer.
Just reply honestly, and that computer will tell you
what your future career is going to be.
- Oh... - [Kiff exclaims excitedly]
I'm gonna get astronaut. I can feel it.
Or president. Or war hero.
[Miss Deer Teacher] All right, students,
time to get your results.
[computer voice reads]
- [applause] - How suit-able.
[computer voice reads]
- [applause] - Anybody here getting married?
[computer voice reads]
- [applause] - Fascinating!
Or is it?
Quick! Something interesting
is happening outside!
What are we looking at?
Is that Helen's car getting towed?
- What? You're kidding me? - [reverse sensors beeping]
Is it because I parked in the principal's spot again?
Let's march down to his office and demand justice for me!
Helen, get out of here with your greedy gibberish.
I'm in the middle of class.
Come on, astronaut...
[computer voice reads]
P.A.? P.A.?
P... Part-- Party Animal?
Nope, it says here
it stands for personal assistant.
- [Kiff gasps] - [school bell rings]
Miss Deer Teacher, there's been a mistake.
Ah, I can't just be some dinky assistant,
getting coffee and doing laundry
for some bigwig the rest of my life.
I'm supposed to be the big wig.
Let me retake the test!
Kiff, these tests are very sophisticated.
Well, if you think the tests are so sophisticated,
why don't you marry them?
Sorry. Sorry. That was uncalled for.
Ugh! You got me all riled up.
I want you to try being a personal assistant this week.
Who knows, you might just learn
something surprising about yourself.
And if I don't?
If, by the end of the week,
it's clear you're not a good fit for P.A.,
I let you retake the test deal. Deal?
Oh, I guarantee I won't be a good fit.
Heh. I'll be the worst fit.
In fact, I doubt there's even anyone out there
cuckoo enough to hire me.
[Helen] Oh, my gosh!
I'm actually looking
for someone to assist me personally. Eh?
[Kiff groans]
I'm about to be the worst personal assistant in history.
And I'm about to blow the lid off something.
[both laughing]
Time to get my bad on.
[rock music plays]
♪ She's not good ♪
♪ She's incompetent ♪
♪ Unsatisfactory Performance ♪
♪ She'll do the job ♪
♪ In a poorly manner ♪
♪ She let you down ♪
♪ And she got no manners ♪
♪ She's not good ♪
♪ That's what I said ♪
♪ She's not good ♪
♪ She's incompetent ♪
♪ Not a good assistant ♪
♪ No way ♪
I have a few questions for you, Kiff.
How's your mission going?
I'm doing an incredible job.
I can't help myself, I'm out of control.
I've already taken care of everything on Helen's
"To-do-ey" list for the entire month,
and it's only been three days.
[Barry] Do her laundry, alphabetizing her warts,
contesting her parking tickets.
This is all pretty easy stuff
for a smart go getter like yourself.
What you need to find is an impossible task.
What do you mean?
Helen's an unhinged individual.
Get her to ask you to do something totally unreasonable,
that can't be done-- That way you're bound to fail,
Helen will fire you,
and you'll get your do over on the test.
Hmm...
Got another parking ticket
while you were out there slacking off.
How? Fine. I'll take care of it later.
But first, Helen, I love assisting you.
- Who wouldn't? - But I still feel like
I could be doing more for you.
I want to make your dreams come true.
What's something on your "to-do-ey" list
of your heart?
Something impossible sounding even.
I've always wanted to eat
a sculpture of my own face made of Salisbury steak.
Bigger, Helen, crazier!
I've never told anyone this,
but ever since I was a little witch, I dreamed of winning
the Table Town Humanitarian of the Year award.
You want to win the TT HOTY?
The prestigious award given only
to the most kind-hearted and charitable
Tabletonians?
Move it, Granny!
Me first, bozo!
Got another parking ticket
while you were out there slacking off.
I've been rejected 400 years in a row.
They claim it's because I've never done
a single kind thing for anyone.
But I know it's all political.
I'm even banned from attending the ceremony,
which is tomorrow night, coincidentally.
[scoffs, chuckles]
[laughing]
[both laughing]
If I can't help you win Humanitarian of the Year tomorrow,
[chuckles] you can fire me.
I'll insist on it.
[maniacal laughing]
[both laughing]
[relaxing music plays]
[laughter continues]
[Kiff clears throat]
[Kiff] That's right, MDT.
Get a good seat for the show.
[snickers]
You're sure this is going to work?
Oh, it better.
I mean, yes. Yes, it will.
You get my crullers?
They never have to have decent snacks at these things.
You're a natural-born P.A., Kiff.
[nervous chuckle]
We'll talk after.
Bye-bye, personal assistant,
hello, new test.
[sinister laugh]
[Helen laughs in distance]
[applause and cheering]
Let's hear it again
for the Turnino Boys Choir
and their touching rendition
of "Humanitarian Boogie".
And now we've come to the main event,
the announcement of Table Town's
Humanitarian of the Year.
Not so fast!
That's right.
It's me, Helen,
the one you labeled too inconsiderate
to ever win this award!
Well, consider this, jerks.
Here comes an awesome speech.
This is terrible. It's perfect.
You judges think you're so great, don't you?
Well, I think you stink.
I think everyone in this stinking town stinks.
If any of you have an ounce of taste,
you'd be heaping awards at my charitable feet!
But no!
[Kiff and Helen] You aren't fit to judge
the crud on my doormat.
That's my cue.
Banners going down and so is my P.A. career.
I'll take that do-over test now, MDT.
[sinister laugh]
Whoa-- Whoa!
[screaming]
Oh, my crullers!
[angelic music plays]
She saved that child's life!
[crowd cheering]
The judges have conferred
and would like to announce a last-minute change.
Please put your hands together for...
Helen...
Table Town's Humanitarian of the Year!
[Helen] Oh, my God! I did it!
What's happening?
"I did it"?
[cheering and applause]
But that's impossible!
[Kiff] Which can only mean
I really am destined to be a personal assistant.
The test was right!
[Barry] Wait!
Don't give Helen that award.
Security! Who let these children in?
They're wearing tuxes.
My name is Barry,
and I'm an investigative journalist.
I have just concluded my investigation,
and I'm here to expose corruption.
Every year this happens.
There's something you all need to know about Helen
before you give her the award.
She's not the innocent child-saver she appears to be.
Oh, please! I'm the Humanitarian of the Year.
Fork over the trophy.
I can prove it.
Videographer! The evidence, please.
When I confiscated Renee's phone for my investigation,
I admit I suspected her of global treason.
Little did I know, her phone had recorded the events
surrounding Kiff's fateful career day test.
- Uh-oh. - [Barry] That's right!
[Barry] Helen tampered with the career test machine.
Kiff was never supposed to get "personal assistant".
Helen just wanted a kid to do all her chores for free.
[audience gasps, murmuring]
Oh, don't act so surprised.
[groans] But, Barry, it doesn't matter.
This whole week proved I should be a personal assistant.
I'm really good at it.
Aw. But don't you see, Kiff?
Tonight, you did the impossible,
like P.A.s so often do in this crazy, mixed up world.
If you can get a crank like Helen
to win a humanitarian award,
just think what else you can do.
The only thing you proved this week
is that you're capable of doing anything.
Case closed.
So I can still be astronaut-president?
[clears throat] Well, duh.
Those tests aren't the boss of you.
I am.
Don't listen to them.
It's not true.
Mine said I should be kept away from society
as a remote lighthouse keeper.
And look at me now,
winning the Humanitarian of the Year award!
No, we're taking that back.
Okay... Look at me now,
stealing the Humanitarian of the Year award.
[Helen cackles]
- Darn it. - She won't get far.
I'm pretty sure her car's been impounded.
[all laugh]
[closing theme plays]
Chirp.