1
00:01:10,363 --> 00:01:13,867
It wasn't meant
to end this way.

2
00:01:13,909 --> 00:01:17,996
All the previous residencies
at this Institute went smoothly,

3
00:01:18,038 --> 00:01:20,916
yet somehow
the cracks were showing

4
00:01:20,957 --> 00:01:24,586
from the very beginning
with this month's collective.

5
00:08:21,753 --> 00:08:27,968
My distance from the group was
more to do with gastric discomfort

6
00:08:28,009 --> 00:08:31,221
rather than any pretense
of journalistic courtesy.

7
00:08:31,263 --> 00:08:36,308
Standing as far back as possible
was simply out of a need

8
00:08:36,351 --> 00:08:38,812
to relieve any trapped wind
without consequence.

9
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:44,109
Technical Assistant Wim didn't make
it any easier with his contempt

10
00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:48,029
for me and anyone else
who set foot in the Institute.

11
00:08:49,406 --> 00:08:54,953
For every fecal expulsion
I would have to flush simultaneously

12
00:08:55,412 --> 00:08:57,998
in the hope that
the group wouldn't hear

13
00:08:58,290 --> 00:09:01,042
in the guesthouse we shared
opposite the Institute.

14
00:09:02,127 --> 00:09:06,923
The flatulence was relentless,
only it was seldom malodorous.

15
00:09:07,340 --> 00:09:11,803
The constant effort of holding in
or disguising my farts

16
00:09:12,429 --> 00:09:16,558
all began to feel like
a performance in itself.

17
00:10:01,019 --> 00:10:04,731
The thinking walks in the grounds
of the Sonic Catering Institute

18
00:10:04,773 --> 00:10:07,067
would last just under an hour:

19
00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:13,198
a vital part of their process
that they wanted me to document.

20
00:10:13,698 --> 00:10:16,576
No words were ever spoken

21
00:10:16,952 --> 00:10:20,372
and the silence opened up
the doubts and fears

22
00:10:20,622 --> 00:10:24,000
that could not be voiced
when I was interviewing them.

23
00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:28,046
Dr. Glock's medicine
didn't relieve anything

24
00:10:28,380 --> 00:10:31,800
and the extreme discomfort
of holding in wind

25
00:10:32,509 --> 00:10:35,303
became a social nightmare.

26
00:10:36,054 --> 00:10:37,514
I craved solitude

27
00:10:38,014 --> 00:10:41,309
and if I couldn't find solitude,
I craved noise:

28
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:47,190
the noise of each culinary
collective in residence.

29
00:10:47,816 --> 00:10:50,652
Noise that could cleanse,
that could purify

30
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:52,821
and make me forget

31
00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:55,365
as well as make others
unable to hear my farts.

32
00:10:56,449 --> 00:10:59,369
However, the greatest test
for my disruptive stomach

33
00:10:59,661 --> 00:11:01,788
was to come during
the meet and greet

34
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:04,040
with the Institute's
board members

35
00:11:04,374 --> 00:11:07,752
followed by the first of the so-called
after-dinner speeches.

36
00:20:17,844 --> 00:20:19,137
Euripides.

37
00:29:43,577 --> 00:29:46,705
Audience tributes were
my least favorite part

38
00:29:47,163 --> 00:29:51,710
of a culinary
collective's residency.

39
00:30:02,470 --> 00:30:09,644
Witnessing such flamboyant intimacy
was not an easy thing to write about,

40
00:30:09,686 --> 00:30:12,606
especially after
an abattoir performance.

41
00:30:12,856 --> 00:30:14,983
The torrid passion on display

42
00:30:15,025 --> 00:30:17,694
was at least a distraction
from my discomfort

43
00:30:17,736 --> 00:30:21,072
and the fear of my stomach
embarrassing me, undermining me,

44
00:30:21,448 --> 00:30:24,075
turning against me
and destroying me.

45
00:30:26,578 --> 00:30:28,914
Where does the endless wind

46
00:30:28,955 --> 00:30:31,416
that blows my stomach up
like a balloon come from?

47
00:30:31,958 --> 00:30:32,918
Why does it persist?

48
00:30:34,002 --> 00:30:36,463
When I see joy and abandon,

49
00:30:36,796 --> 00:30:38,840
my mind always reverts to this -

50
00:30:39,299 --> 00:30:44,221
why can one stomach be so free
and another can't?

51
00:31:00,612 --> 00:31:02,864
The nights were riddled with agony

52
00:31:02,906 --> 00:31:06,326
as the trapped wind
took over my bowels and mind.

53
00:31:06,368 --> 00:31:08,161
Every fart involved
plotting and worry:

54
00:31:08,203 --> 00:31:12,916
a balancing act of tension,
guesswork and fear

55
00:31:13,959 --> 00:31:21,299
with my buttocks pressed hard
against the mattress

56
00:31:21,550 --> 00:31:24,636
in the hope that the noise would be
muffled enough

57
00:31:24,886 --> 00:31:26,763
so as not to wake the others.

58
00:31:27,931 --> 00:31:30,976
But the Lord is my portion,
saith my soul,

59
00:31:31,226 --> 00:31:34,729
therefore will I hope in him.

60
00:51:07,110 --> 00:51:10,322
Why did I agree to
a public gastroscopy?

61
00:51:10,363 --> 00:51:12,866
Why couldn't I be more assertive?

62
00:51:25,253 --> 00:51:29,716
Dr. Glock took a sample
of my small intestine for a biopsy.

63
00:51:29,758 --> 00:51:32,219
Naturally, I feared the worst

64
00:51:32,469 --> 00:51:35,055
and amidst the hedonism
in front of my eyes,

65
00:51:35,305 --> 00:51:37,098
I could only see misery.

66
00:53:56,821 --> 00:53:58,615
The night was hell:

67
00:53:59,324 --> 00:54:03,328
cramps, bloating
and methane at its angriest.

68
00:54:05,413 --> 00:54:08,291
The group's silence
during the thinking walks

69
00:54:08,333 --> 00:54:10,710
soon changed from
convivial to hostile,

70
00:54:10,961 --> 00:54:15,215
which made it even harder to endure.

71
00:54:15,715 --> 00:54:18,635
There was nowhere to hide
in such an atmosphere

72
00:54:19,094 --> 00:54:22,305
and the silence stifled
all thought or reverie.

73
01:04:23,448 --> 01:04:26,701
The arguments between
Jan Stevens and the group

74
01:04:26,993 --> 01:04:29,037
became increasingly fraught

75
01:04:29,496 --> 01:04:32,874
and the escalating threat from
The Mangrove Snacks

76
01:04:33,124 --> 01:04:35,418
only added to the general tension.

77
01:04:35,961 --> 01:04:38,713
My energy was at an all-time low.

78
01:04:40,590 --> 01:04:44,427
My bowels felt
as hard as rusty pipes

79
01:04:44,970 --> 01:04:48,014
and I could feel it
all getting worse.

80
01:05:16,543 --> 01:05:19,754
Tomorrow,
a long tube with lubricant

81
01:05:20,130 --> 01:05:22,132
will be inserted
deep into my rectum

82
01:05:22,424 --> 01:05:25,343
and gas will inflate my bowels.

83
01:05:26,261 --> 01:05:28,805
Dr. Glock gave me a laxative,

84
01:05:29,097 --> 01:05:32,767
which would imprison me in
the toilet for most of the night.

85
01:05:33,435 --> 01:05:35,437
But before surrendering my body,

86
01:05:35,729 --> 01:05:37,898
there was a stool sample
to prepare.

87
01:05:38,356 --> 01:05:41,192
Behold, O Lord;
for I am in distress:

88
01:05:41,484 --> 01:05:43,028
my bowels are troubled.

89
01:05:43,278 --> 01:05:45,030
Mine heart is turned within me,

90
01:05:45,363 --> 01:05:46,948
there is nothing to comfort me.

91
01:05:47,824 --> 01:05:48,909
One

92
01:05:49,492 --> 01:05:50,785
Two

93
01:05:51,494 --> 01:05:52,495
Three

94
01:11:32,794 --> 01:11:35,672
He visited me twice a year,

95
01:11:35,714 --> 01:11:39,426
since he couldn't afford
such exotic punishments more regularly

96
01:11:39,467 --> 01:11:42,137
on his income.

97
01:11:43,680 --> 01:11:48,018
He'd take the day off work
when he arranged to visit me,

98
01:11:48,059 --> 01:11:51,521
since our ritual depended
on the expansion of time.

99
01:11:52,147 --> 01:11:57,444
After the obligatory small talk,
I ordered him to go into the room

100
01:11:57,485 --> 01:12:01,114
where he should wait for me to arrive
in a formal outfit.

101
01:12:02,365 --> 01:12:05,994
My manner would change

102
01:12:06,036 --> 01:12:13,501
and I'd become a different person
that he paid me to be.

103
01:12:15,378 --> 01:12:20,175
After making him rub my feet
for as long as I wanted,

104
01:12:20,217 --> 01:12:22,177
I put him on a leash

105
01:12:22,219 --> 01:12:26,556
and walked him to a special toilet

106
01:12:26,598 --> 01:12:29,684
where his head could be placed in

107
01:12:29,726 --> 01:12:35,315
with his hands handcuffed to the side.

108
01:12:36,149 --> 01:12:39,069
There, he would fall under my spell

109
01:12:39,110 --> 01:12:42,239
and stay for as long as I wanted.

110
01:12:44,074 --> 01:12:48,245
The sound of my approaching footsteps
made him giddy

111
01:12:48,286 --> 01:12:53,833
with a contradictory mixture
of fear and excitement,

112
01:12:53,875 --> 01:12:59,673
and he'd often tell me
that the anticipation and threat

113
01:12:59,714 --> 01:13:03,802
were far more potent
than his eventual punishment.

114
01:13:06,221 --> 01:13:12,352
He claimed
that being left inside that box

115
01:13:12,394 --> 01:13:17,065
cured him from all the stresses
of caring for his ill mother,

116
01:13:17,107 --> 01:13:19,484
along with the impotent rage he suffered

117
01:13:19,526 --> 01:13:22,696
at the hands of rude
and contemptuous customers

118
01:13:22,737 --> 01:13:27,158
in the high-class restaurant
where he worked.

119
01:13:28,034 --> 01:13:34,040
He found an inner peace
when left helpless under my control,

120
01:13:34,082 --> 01:13:38,295
and when his punishment
eventually arrived

121
01:13:38,336 --> 01:13:42,591
after several hours
of silent anticipation,

122
01:13:42,632 --> 01:13:46,553
he underwent
the most profound catharsis.

123
01:13:47,512 --> 01:13:51,266
He normally found such things
disgusting,

124
01:13:51,308 --> 01:13:55,645
but when I sat above him
and used him as my toilet,

125
01:13:55,687 --> 01:14:01,151
his whole being transformed
into something beyond ecstasy.

126
01:14:02,193 --> 01:14:06,531
He regarded such rituals
as bordering on religious,

127
01:14:06,573 --> 01:14:10,410
as if what came from my body

128
01:14:10,452 --> 01:14:13,747
was a communion.

129
01:14:14,789 --> 01:14:18,668
The moments after
his self-induced orgasm

130
01:14:18,710 --> 01:14:21,546
were always a tenuous thing to navigate

131
01:14:21,588 --> 01:14:26,009
once he realized how much
of a mess there was to clear up,

132
01:14:26,051 --> 01:14:30,096
but these rituals always ended
on a cordial note

133
01:14:30,138 --> 01:14:35,143
with a few passing words about the state
of the chrysanthemums on my balcony.

134
01:14:37,103 --> 01:14:39,648
I was too scared to go
through with the colonoscopy,

135
01:14:39,898 --> 01:14:43,693
but Elle made up for it with
her scatological performance,

136
01:14:43,985 --> 01:14:46,404
which shocked the audience so much

137
01:14:46,446 --> 01:14:50,492
that none of them ventured
backstage for sexual activity.

138
01:14:51,785 --> 01:14:55,538
Whether I underwent the procedure
in front of an audience or not

139
01:14:55,580 --> 01:14:57,791
made no difference by this stage.

140
01:14:58,416 --> 01:15:01,670
Everything was becoming a blur.

141
01:16:06,109 --> 01:16:09,237
Technical Assistant Wim
reported Elle to Jan Stevens

142
01:16:09,279 --> 01:16:10,488
for deceiving the audience

143
01:16:10,530 --> 01:16:12,657
with chocolate mousse
instead of my excrement,

144
01:16:12,699 --> 01:16:16,536
which further ruined
the trust between them.

145
01:16:16,578 --> 01:16:18,705
However,
more importantly,

146
01:16:18,747 --> 01:16:21,416
the group were turning
against themselves

147
01:16:21,666 --> 01:16:26,338
and all I could do was document
what I was hired to do.

148
01:16:27,505 --> 01:16:30,217
A second attempt at a colonoscopy
was imminent,

149
01:16:30,258 --> 01:16:34,346
which Elle naturally wanted to turn
into a performance.

150
01:16:34,804 --> 01:16:38,683
Why I went along with her plans
is beyond me.

151
01:16:39,184 --> 01:16:41,228
Was it her persuasion?

152
01:16:41,269 --> 01:16:43,355
Was it finally a chance
to participate

153
01:16:43,396 --> 01:16:45,357
in something
artistically viable

154
01:16:45,941 --> 01:16:49,444
or was it just my
hopeless inability

155
01:16:49,819 --> 01:16:51,404
to say no to people?

156
01:24:29,821 --> 01:24:33,950
I took the laxative powder again
and this time there was no retreat

157
01:24:33,992 --> 01:24:35,410
from the colon examination.

158
01:24:36,161 --> 01:24:38,163
Since Dr. Glock
was the performer,

159
01:24:38,455 --> 01:24:41,666
Lamina and Billy
allowed Elle to join them

160
01:24:41,708 --> 01:24:43,460
and play with
the graphic equalizer

161
01:24:43,501 --> 01:24:45,128
as long as
it was unplugged.

162
01:24:45,837 --> 01:24:48,340
Elle became fascinated
by both the sonic

163
01:24:48,381 --> 01:24:52,844
and performative potential
of my stomach,

164
01:24:53,595 --> 01:24:57,390
but to reveal myself to
an audience was a mistake.

165
01:24:57,933 --> 01:25:01,519
Something so private sacrificed
for the sake of art.

166
01:35:53,004 --> 01:35:56,633
It was their final trip to the shops
and maybe mine, too.

167
01:35:59,719 --> 01:36:03,098
Nine o'clock in the morning
was my appointment with Dr. Glock.

168
01:36:03,348 --> 01:36:08,353
The diagnosis I was dreading
kept going through my head.

169
01:36:09,354 --> 01:36:14,025
Nights such as these
might be something to savor

170
01:36:14,067 --> 01:36:16,444
in case they are my last.

171
01:37:47,786 --> 01:37:50,413
It was a daunting change of diet.

172
01:37:50,455 --> 01:37:54,918
Even in foods
it was not supposed to be in,

173
01:37:55,293 --> 01:37:57,921
gluten was there
through cross-contamination.

174
01:37:58,296 --> 01:38:04,803
Then there was the social aspect
that nobody warned me about;

175
01:38:05,762 --> 01:38:08,557
sighing and eye-rolling

176
01:38:08,598 --> 01:38:13,520
from people who thought
I was being melodramatic or modish.

177
01:38:14,479 --> 01:38:19,401
I also had to deal with defensive
reactions from a few waiters

178
01:38:19,442 --> 01:38:21,695
who felt their integrity
was challenged

179
01:38:21,736 --> 01:38:25,031
if I asked them about
cross-contamination.

180
01:38:26,449 --> 01:38:33,582
However, the change of diet
returned my life to normal

181
01:38:34,583 --> 01:38:38,753
and I was finally on the road
to feeling healthy again.

182
01:38:39,296 --> 01:38:41,298
To inaugurate my diagnosis,

183
01:38:41,631 --> 01:38:45,051
Jan Stevens announced
a less formal attire for the day

184
01:38:46,678 --> 01:38:47,971
- jeans.

185
01:45:19,779 --> 01:45:23,575
With Elle,
it was all about performance

186
01:45:24,075 --> 01:45:25,452
and this was no different.

187
01:45:26,703 --> 01:45:27,996
If anything,

188
01:45:28,038 --> 01:45:30,916
this was what she spent her
whole life working towards

189
01:45:30,957 --> 01:45:35,462
and I became too involved
to refuse a spoonful.

190
01:46:04,115 --> 01:46:05,408
As for me,

191
01:46:05,450 --> 01:46:09,913
I was finally
a part of something.