1
00:00:04,793 --> 00:00:07,334
[ Hip-hop music playing ]

2
00:00:07,418 --> 00:00:11,584
♪♪

3
00:00:11,668 --> 00:00:14,001
[ Cheers and applause ]

4
00:00:14,084 --> 00:00:16,418
-Miami, make some noise...

5
00:00:16,501 --> 00:00:18,626
[ Cheers and applause ]

6
00:00:18,709 --> 00:00:26,084
...for Mr. Marlon Wayans!

7
00:00:26,168 --> 00:00:33,209
♪♪

8
00:00:33,293 --> 00:00:40,209
♪♪

9
00:00:40,293 --> 00:00:42,293
-How the fuck we doing, Miami?

10
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:46,334
[ Cheers and applause ]

11
00:00:46,418 --> 00:00:47,668
Thank you.
I love you, too!

12
00:00:47,751 --> 00:00:49,209
Thank you.

13
00:00:49,293 --> 00:00:51,668
I do.
I really do love you guys.

14
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,251
I mean, I swear.
I love people.

15
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:57,751
I'm a lover of life.
You know what I mean?

16
00:00:57,834 --> 00:00:58,793
Life in general.

17
00:00:58,876 --> 00:01:01,001
And it's like, as you get older,

18
00:01:01,084 --> 00:01:04,001
I learned, I'm like 90% love,

19
00:01:04,084 --> 00:01:07,334
but there's, like,
10% of shit I hate.

20
00:01:07,418 --> 00:01:09,584
A lot of things I hate --
well, people hate --

21
00:01:09,668 --> 00:01:11,709
come from fear, right?

22
00:01:11,793 --> 00:01:15,001
The thing I hate most comes
from the thing I fear most.

23
00:01:15,084 --> 00:01:17,793
And it comes from, like,
childhood trauma.

24
00:01:17,876 --> 00:01:20,793
And this is gonna sound crazy
to you, but...

25
00:01:20,876 --> 00:01:22,876
[ Sighs ] Okay, fuck it.

26
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:28,043
I am so scared...

27
00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:30,626
of niggas
with outie belly buttons.

28
00:01:30,709 --> 00:01:32,334
It's just...

29
00:01:32,418 --> 00:01:36,793
something evil about a nigga
with a outie belly button.

30
00:01:36,876 --> 00:01:38,376
You know what I'm talking about?

31
00:01:38,459 --> 00:01:41,251
Like, Andre McLaurin -- he
had an outie belly button.

32
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:42,751
He was the bully in my hood.

33
00:01:42,834 --> 00:01:44,918
He terrorized me
my whole childhood.

34
00:01:45,001 --> 00:01:47,209
He was an evil little nigglet.

35
00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:49,293
4 years old, he was buff.

36
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:51,376
Look like Kevin Hart buff.
Like...

37
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:55,126
Looked like he just got out
of baby prison and shit.

38
00:01:55,209 --> 00:01:57,126
And he was a kid.
4 years old, he had lats.

39
00:01:57,209 --> 00:01:59,751
The only way you get lats
is from doing prison time

40
00:01:59,834 --> 00:02:01,168
and doing pull-ups.

41
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,751
He was a badass little kid.

42
00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:06,918
He was so evil, his first baby
tooth, it came in chipped.

43
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,668
[ Laughter ]

44
00:02:08,751 --> 00:02:10,001
And he was an evil fucker.

45
00:02:10,084 --> 00:02:12,293
He used to always steal
the one cherry

46
00:02:12,376 --> 00:02:14,959
out of my fruit cocktail
at lunchtime.

47
00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:16,709
And if you went
to a public school,

48
00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:19,668
you know how much that fucking
one cherry meant to you?

49
00:02:19,751 --> 00:02:22,334
It took you 15 cups to get
to the fucking cherry.

50
00:02:22,418 --> 00:02:25,584
Otherwise, it was all grapes
and fucking nectarines.

51
00:02:25,668 --> 00:02:27,751
Yo, I don't want that shit.
I want a cherry!

52
00:02:27,834 --> 00:02:31,793
And Andre, he had an outie
belly button, right,

53
00:02:31,876 --> 00:02:32,918
and he had this six-pack.

54
00:02:33,001 --> 00:02:34,293
And the outie belly button

55
00:02:34,376 --> 00:02:37,084
looked like someone
threw a Vienna sausage

56
00:02:37,168 --> 00:02:38,668
at that nigga's stomach
and it caught.

57
00:02:38,751 --> 00:02:40,376
[ Grunts ]

58
00:02:40,459 --> 00:02:41,834
He was bowlegged.

59
00:02:41,918 --> 00:02:43,793
All them little outie
belly button dudes, they --

60
00:02:43,876 --> 00:02:46,584
they all bowlegged 'cause
they mama make 'em walk

61
00:02:46,668 --> 00:02:48,626
when they only 5 months old
before their legs harden.

62
00:02:48,709 --> 00:02:51,709
[ Laughs ]
And then she give him --

63
00:02:51,793 --> 00:02:54,876
because she doesn't believe
in walkers or strollers.

64
00:02:54,959 --> 00:02:57,209
She goes, "Those are
for pussies!"

65
00:02:57,293 --> 00:02:58,959
She make him walk
when he 5 months old

66
00:02:59,043 --> 00:03:00,626
and she give him
man responsibility,

67
00:03:00,709 --> 00:03:02,459
'cause you know
his daddy ain't there.

68
00:03:02,543 --> 00:03:05,043
Oh, outie belly button niggas
ain't got no daddy, shit.

69
00:03:05,126 --> 00:03:06,293
And they make them go--

70
00:03:06,376 --> 00:03:07,834
"Take your little brother
Lamar to school!"

71
00:03:07,918 --> 00:03:09,834
And she put Lamar on his neck,

72
00:03:09,918 --> 00:03:12,626
and be, "I'll take him,"
and that weighed down his legs.

73
00:03:12,709 --> 00:03:16,793
So he walk around with heavy-ass
Lamar on his shoulders,

74
00:03:16,876 --> 00:03:18,709
and now he gotta go,
"Take Dede to daycare!"

75
00:03:18,793 --> 00:03:20,959
And now he gotta drag his
little brother Dede to daycare.

76
00:03:21,043 --> 00:03:23,001
"Come on!"

77
00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,418
And she always screams shit
to him out the window.

78
00:03:31,501 --> 00:03:33,084
Quit smoking my Newports!

79
00:03:33,168 --> 00:03:35,334
I know it's you,
you piece of shit!"

80
00:03:35,418 --> 00:03:38,001
That was his little nickname.
"Piece of shit!"

81
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:42,626
He be out till, like,
5:30 in the morning

82
00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:45,459
with his saggy diaper
full of shit, just...

83
00:03:45,543 --> 00:03:46,751
Oh, they ain't potty trained.

84
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:48,584
Outie belly button niggas
is dumb as shit.

85
00:03:48,668 --> 00:03:49,834
They can't read or write

86
00:03:49,918 --> 00:03:51,793
or don't know their ABC's
or 123s,

87
00:03:51,876 --> 00:03:53,001
but they're super athletic.

88
00:03:53,084 --> 00:03:55,001
They can backflip
into a public pool

89
00:03:55,084 --> 00:03:56,751
with their jeans
and sneakers on.

90
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:58,334
So he walking around
the neighborhood

91
00:03:58,418 --> 00:04:01,001
just looking for trouble
with a little saggy-ass diaper

92
00:04:01,084 --> 00:04:03,709
hanging out his fucking
G-Star jeans,

93
00:04:03,793 --> 00:04:05,668
and he just looking for trouble.

94
00:04:05,751 --> 00:04:07,834
Walking around the neighborhood,
smoking his mama's cigarettes,

95
00:04:07,918 --> 00:04:09,584
just...[ Inhaling ]

96
00:04:13,376 --> 00:04:16,126
But he's still a kid,
so he suck his thumb, too.

97
00:04:18,876 --> 00:04:22,293
[ Laughs ]

98
00:04:22,376 --> 00:04:25,251
Never fight a bitch
with a outie belly button.

99
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,626
You will lose that fight.

100
00:04:27,709 --> 00:04:29,209
Oh, let me tell you something,
outie belly button women,

101
00:04:29,293 --> 00:04:30,709
they can do two things.

102
00:04:30,793 --> 00:04:32,834
They can fight, and they can
fuckin' Double Dutch.

103
00:04:32,918 --> 00:04:34,084
Oh, shit.

104
00:04:34,168 --> 00:04:35,751
They always got Vaseline
in their back pocket.

105
00:04:35,834 --> 00:04:38,043
And they put it on their face
and say evil shit like,

106
00:04:38,126 --> 00:04:40,668
"Oh, bitch, this what
I wanted you to do!

107
00:04:40,751 --> 00:04:44,043
Oh, bitch, I prayed for God

108
00:04:44,126 --> 00:04:47,043
you was gonna fuck
with me today, ho!

109
00:04:47,126 --> 00:04:49,001
Ooh, I'ma fuck you up."

110
00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,959
And they always got --
they always got little --

111
00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:54,376
little "Bitch,
I can fight" hairdos.

112
00:04:54,459 --> 00:04:56,168
They got cornrows, right?

113
00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:57,834
But the cornrows be real little,

114
00:04:57,918 --> 00:05:01,459
'cause they ain't got a lot of
hair, so it look like stitches.

115
00:05:01,543 --> 00:05:02,918
Look like Wolverine went...

116
00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:05,168
[ Deep voice ]
"Get over here, bitch!"

117
00:05:05,251 --> 00:05:07,001
[ Normal voice ]
And they hair's so small

118
00:05:07,084 --> 00:05:08,543
[chuckles]
the shit be unraveling.

119
00:05:08,626 --> 00:05:10,793
Boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom.

120
00:05:10,876 --> 00:05:14,376
So they put them little colorful
hair braids on the back,

121
00:05:14,459 --> 00:05:16,959
but half the time, they can't
afford that, so they put them

122
00:05:17,043 --> 00:05:19,084
Venus and Serena braids --
beads -- on the end,

123
00:05:19,168 --> 00:05:21,918
and clump them
with some aluminum foil?

124
00:05:22,001 --> 00:05:24,626
And God forbid if she got that
"bitch, I could fight" ponytail.

125
00:05:24,709 --> 00:05:26,834
You know them little ponytail?

126
00:05:26,918 --> 00:05:28,626
It look more like
a Rottweiler tail

127
00:05:28,709 --> 00:05:30,043
or a Doberman Pinscher tail?

128
00:05:30,126 --> 00:05:32,251
It's a little struggle tail.

129
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:33,709
Oh, and her girlfriend

130
00:05:33,793 --> 00:05:35,543
help her get that little bit
of hair in a ponytail,

131
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:38,251
be like, "Shit, sit still,
Faye, sit still!

132
00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:39,793
We almost got it!"

133
00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:41,376
And the hair never make it.
The ponytail never make it.

134
00:05:41,459 --> 00:05:42,668
All this be broke off.

135
00:05:42,751 --> 00:05:45,084
There will be, like,
nine scraggly hairs here

136
00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:46,501
and, like, seven over here.

137
00:05:46,584 --> 00:05:48,209
And she gotta slick it down
with some Vaseline

138
00:05:48,293 --> 00:05:49,959
and try to make
some baby hair.

139
00:05:50,043 --> 00:05:53,709
But one time she sweat, boom,
that shit come right back up.

140
00:05:53,793 --> 00:05:56,126
And all this be bald as shit.
This be bald.

141
00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:59,001
Look like somebody
fading her shit at all times.

142
00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:02,959
But it's 'cause all the stress
from trying to have a ponytail

143
00:06:03,043 --> 00:06:05,626
when, bitch, you ain't got
no hair, so...

144
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:08,501
Her eyes be s--
real tight, you know?

145
00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:10,126
She got the tight eyes?

146
00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:12,543
It's because
she actually gotta put her skin

147
00:06:12,626 --> 00:06:16,376
in the ponytail
to make the ponytail reach.

148
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,584
And when it reaches,
it's finally,

149
00:06:18,668 --> 00:06:20,668
it's a little, little ponytail.

150
00:06:20,751 --> 00:06:22,751
[ Child's voice ]
Oh, it's so little!

151
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,043
And it look like --

152
00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:26,876
[ Normal voice ]
Bitch look like a water balloon.

153
00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:30,334
I'ma give you some stats
on outie belly button people,

154
00:06:30,418 --> 00:06:31,668
and then we can move on,

155
00:06:31,751 --> 00:06:34,168
'cause I'm really offending
this brother

156
00:06:34,251 --> 00:06:36,584
with the outie belly button
in the front row.

157
00:06:36,668 --> 00:06:39,001
Him and his comrade.

158
00:06:39,084 --> 00:06:41,251
Uh, these are real statistics.

159
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,834
You can look it up
after the show.

160
00:06:42,918 --> 00:06:44,751
Uh, Google it.

161
00:06:44,834 --> 00:06:47,584
Whatever search engine you use,
Safari perhaps.

162
00:06:47,668 --> 00:06:51,001
Firefox. Uh...

163
00:06:51,084 --> 00:06:53,459
[ Exhales sharply ]
They're terrible people,

164
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,918
outie belly buttons,
they menaces to society.

165
00:06:56,001 --> 00:07:00,584
You know that 87.3%
of our entire prison system

166
00:07:00,668 --> 00:07:06,084
is filled with niggas
with outie belly buttons.

167
00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:07,834
84.6% of all the fathers

168
00:07:07,918 --> 00:07:11,001
that don't take care
of their children.

169
00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:12,168
It's a shame.

170
00:07:12,251 --> 00:07:14,126
Outie belly b-- [ Laughs ]

171
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:16,709
Every rapper
that's ever been to prison?

172
00:07:16,793 --> 00:07:20,209
The nigga got a outie belly
button. I ain't lyin'.

173
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:23,043
They always got they shirt off
in pictures. Google it.

174
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:25,293
Meek Mill --
outie belly button.

175
00:07:25,376 --> 00:07:27,876
Lil Wayne --
outie belly button.

176
00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:30,918
Bobby Shmurda
and his whole crew of...

177
00:07:31,001 --> 00:07:32,418
♪ We be on some block bitches ♪

178
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:34,209
♪ To the tone, to the tone
to the top ♪

179
00:07:34,293 --> 00:07:35,834
All got outie belly buttons

180
00:07:35,918 --> 00:07:38,709
and saggy Pampers hanging out
their G-Star jeans.

181
00:07:38,793 --> 00:07:40,584
Ready?

182
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:43,418
Lil Baby and DaBaby...

183
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,376
outie belly button.

184
00:07:45,459 --> 00:07:48,209
Ready for this?
Kodak Black.

185
00:07:48,293 --> 00:07:53,793
Yeah, this nigga got a outie
belly with a outie belly button.

186
00:07:53,876 --> 00:07:56,418
Oh, he's an anomaly.

187
00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:58,251
It's not just a Black thing,
okay?

188
00:07:58,334 --> 00:07:59,668
White folks, you sitting here,

189
00:07:59,751 --> 00:08:01,751
having a good old laugh
at us minorities.

190
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:03,126
[ Imitating White voice ]
[ Laughs ]

191
00:08:03,209 --> 00:08:04,751
[ Normal voice ]
This is the biggest stat of all.

192
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:08,001
Ready, White folks?

193
00:08:08,084 --> 00:08:13,543
99.99%...

194
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:19,418
...of all them White folks

195
00:08:19,501 --> 00:08:21,334
that bum-rushed the Capitol...

196
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:23,584
[ Laughter ]

197
00:08:23,668 --> 00:08:26,959
[ Cheers and applause ]

198
00:08:27,043 --> 00:08:30,376
The insurgents all had
outie belly buttons.

199
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:33,959
[ Laughs ]

200
00:08:36,334 --> 00:08:39,001
Donald Trump got
a outie belly b--

201
00:08:39,084 --> 00:08:40,459
[ Laughs ]

202
00:08:43,793 --> 00:08:45,751
That's why he wears
those long ties.

203
00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:47,293
He's trying to hide it.

204
00:08:47,376 --> 00:08:49,793
[ Chuckles ]
I know, this is real shit.

205
00:08:49,876 --> 00:08:51,418
You know what's funny?

206
00:08:51,501 --> 00:08:54,751
I almost didn't have children,
because I was afraid one of them

207
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:57,376
was gonna have
an outie belly button.

208
00:08:59,751 --> 00:09:02,209
I got kids, got two.

209
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:04,543
[ Applause ]
Yes.

210
00:09:04,626 --> 00:09:06,876
Some brave woman
let me cum in her twice.

211
00:09:08,876 --> 00:09:10,418
And that's 90 p--
I love them, man.

212
00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:13,376
My daughter, she just graduated,
uh, high school.

213
00:09:13,459 --> 00:09:15,418
[ Cheers and applause ]

214
00:09:15,501 --> 00:09:19,459
And she went to her prom.
Yeah.

215
00:09:19,543 --> 00:09:22,001
Which for the father
of a daughter

216
00:09:22,084 --> 00:09:25,126
is a miserable fucking evening.

217
00:09:25,209 --> 00:09:26,418
No, 'cause, you know,
prom night,

218
00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:29,001
that's the night
that your baby girl's

219
00:09:29,084 --> 00:09:32,709
gonna lose her virginity.

220
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:35,668
Ladies, y'all ain't shit.
Y'all ain't shit.

221
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:37,084
Ain't nobody correct me.

222
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,584
None of y'all are worth
a damn cent.

223
00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:40,834
Look at y'all.

224
00:09:40,918 --> 00:09:43,168
You gonna sit here
and let me and your nigga

225
00:09:43,251 --> 00:09:45,668
next to you believe
that you lost it prom night?

226
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,293
Yeah, right.

227
00:09:47,376 --> 00:09:49,668
You know you lost that shit
in the tenth grade

228
00:09:49,751 --> 00:09:52,584
in some fucking stairwell

229
00:09:52,668 --> 00:09:56,959
to a random Puerto Rican
named Orlando.

230
00:09:57,043 --> 00:09:58,876
[ Chuckles ] Prom night's
just the first night

231
00:09:58,959 --> 00:10:00,876
your nasty ass
gonna do it in the bed,

232
00:10:00,959 --> 00:10:03,334
and your daddy gotta pay for it.

233
00:10:03,418 --> 00:10:04,793
See, I don't --
I don't like the setup

234
00:10:04,876 --> 00:10:06,876
'cause I feel like a sucker
as a father.

235
00:10:06,959 --> 00:10:08,209
"Cause prom night is not about

236
00:10:08,293 --> 00:10:10,168
impressing the daughter
or the mother.

237
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:12,376
No. See, the mother
and the daughter,

238
00:10:12,459 --> 00:10:15,209
they in cahoots with this
little motherfucker across town,

239
00:10:15,293 --> 00:10:16,876
who's trying to come
fuck your daughter.

240
00:10:16,959 --> 00:10:19,043
That's what they're trying
to do, fuck your daughter.

241
00:10:19,126 --> 00:10:22,209
What's he doing?
Trying to fuck your daughter.

242
00:10:22,293 --> 00:10:25,293
And he come, and he come,
he think he Prince Charming.

243
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:27,418
He pull up in a limousine.

244
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,501
Oh, he's wearing a tuxedo,

245
00:10:29,584 --> 00:10:32,418
and he has these
shiny tuxedo shoes on.

246
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,918
And he rings the doorbell
all respectfully.

247
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,251
[ Imitates doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

248
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:37,626
And you open the door,

249
00:10:37,709 --> 00:10:39,543
and he says some really
polite thing like,

250
00:10:39,626 --> 00:10:40,918
"How are you, Mr. Wayans?

251
00:10:41,001 --> 00:10:42,668
It's a pleasure
to meet your acquaintance.

252
00:10:42,751 --> 00:10:45,001
I'm here to pick up Amai."

253
00:10:45,084 --> 00:10:47,459
And then he produces a corsage.

254
00:10:47,543 --> 00:10:50,293
"Ooh, a corsage!
Ooh, for my daughter?

255
00:10:50,376 --> 00:10:53,168
Oh!
You gentleman, you!

256
00:10:53,251 --> 00:10:54,584
Here.

257
00:10:54,668 --> 00:10:56,584
Fuck her.

258
00:10:56,668 --> 00:10:59,543
You fuck my daughter,
you gentleman, you!"

259
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,251
Get the fuck outta here
with that bull--

260
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,751
Slap you in your little face.

261
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,876
Don't come to my door
with that shit.

262
00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:07,168
Don't do that.

263
00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:08,543
You come to my house,

264
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:10,918
you trying to bang my daughter,
be a man!

265
00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:12,876
You wanna pick up my daughter?
Be a man.

266
00:11:12,959 --> 00:11:15,459
Don't come in some limousine
your daddy rented for you.

267
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:16,834
No, I'm not impressed.

268
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:19,084
You come in some shit
you could afford.

269
00:11:19,168 --> 00:11:21,293
You show up to my house
on them little --

270
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,751
little scooty bikes
you rent in the street, like...

271
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,126
Yeah, better yet,
come on a skateboard.

272
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:33,376
Just come to the house like,
"Ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta."

273
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:35,959
Impress me! Do a trick up
the stairs or some shit.

274
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:37,418
Oh!

275
00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:42,626
And don't wear no tuxedo.
I'm not impressed by that shit.

276
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:44,543
Nah, don't wear no tuxedo.
Some rent-a-tux.

277
00:11:44,626 --> 00:11:46,001
Come on, man.

278
00:11:46,084 --> 00:11:48,918
You wear it today, but
it was on a dead body yesterday.

279
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:52,293
You smell like embalming fluid.

280
00:11:52,376 --> 00:11:55,001
You come to my house,
you show up -- I'm a '90s nigga.

281
00:11:55,084 --> 00:11:58,001
So you come to my house,
impress me.

282
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:00,293
You wear a pair of FUBU jeans.

283
00:12:00,376 --> 00:12:02,001
Yeah, some Karl Kani,

284
00:12:02,084 --> 00:12:04,251
something with some big
writing on the pocket.

285
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:07,334
And make sure you have
an Aniche shirt

286
00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:09,543
and a Mecca sweater over that.

287
00:12:09,626 --> 00:12:12,168
Tie a Phat Farm cardigan
around your neck.

288
00:12:12,251 --> 00:12:14,543
Yeah, and then have
a Eight-Ball jacket

289
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:18,876
just sitting off your shoulders
like Dom Perignon.

290
00:12:18,959 --> 00:12:22,084
And then you have a Yankee
fitted that's not that fitted

291
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:24,501
just sitting off
the side of your dome.

292
00:12:24,584 --> 00:12:26,418
And don't bend the brim.

293
00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:27,876
Leave that shit new!

294
00:12:27,959 --> 00:12:29,251
Don't bend the brim.

295
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:30,959
And you better not take
the sticker off.

296
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,959
I wanna see that little black
sticker with your head size.

297
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:35,209
I wanna be like, "Oh!
Seven and five eighths?

298
00:12:35,293 --> 00:12:37,376
Oh, he got a big-ass head.
He's smart!"

299
00:12:39,376 --> 00:12:41,293
And when you come to my house,
do me a favor.

300
00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:42,543
Don't ring my doorbell.

301
00:12:42,626 --> 00:12:44,168
[ Imitating doorbell ]
Boom-boom.

302
00:12:44,251 --> 00:12:45,834
Nah. Nah.
Let's be real.

303
00:12:45,918 --> 00:12:48,751
You don't come to me
with disguising

304
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:52,001
your evil R&B Trey Songz
intentions, nah.

305
00:12:52,084 --> 00:12:53,668
You tryin' to fuck my daughter.

306
00:12:53,751 --> 00:12:56,001
"Boom-boom" says, "Love you!"

307
00:12:56,084 --> 00:12:57,084
Get the fuck outta here.

308
00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:58,834
Come with some --
Knock on my door.

309
00:12:58,918 --> 00:13:00,376
Knock!
Let me hear you knock.

310
00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:03,376
Don't ring my doorbell.
Knock.

311
00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:06,209
Yeah, that's a real nigga
right there.

312
00:13:06,293 --> 00:13:09,001
And let me hear your intentions
in the knock.

313
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:10,626
I wanna hear your knock say,

314
00:13:10,709 --> 00:13:12,626
"I'm here to fuck
your daughter!"

315
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,834
You feel me?
That -- that gets my attention.

316
00:13:15,918 --> 00:13:18,334
"Boom-boom"
don't get my attention.

317
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:19,834
Nigga, I be on the toilet
taking a shit,

318
00:13:19,918 --> 00:13:21,251
I hear "Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
I ignore it.

319
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,834
I just keep checking
my Instagram.

320
00:13:22,918 --> 00:13:25,334
"Boom-boom, boom-boom,"
dropping my load. [ Grunts ]

321
00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:27,793
"Boom-boom." [ Grunts ]
"Boom-boom."

322
00:13:27,876 --> 00:13:30,084
But if I hear, "I'm here
to fuck your daughter!"

323
00:13:30,168 --> 00:13:31,918
I be like, "Oh, shit, he here!"
I don't even wipe my ass.

324
00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:33,293
I just pull up and be like,

325
00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:35,251
"Oh, he here!
He here, nigga!"

326
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,751
I'll wipe later.

327
00:13:39,834 --> 00:13:42,834
And when I open the door,
do me a favor.

328
00:13:42,918 --> 00:13:45,834
Don't say no smart shit
to me like,

329
00:13:45,918 --> 00:13:47,584
"How are you doing, Mr. Wayans?

330
00:13:47,668 --> 00:13:50,626
Pleasure to make your
acquaintance. I'm here to pi--"

331
00:13:50,709 --> 00:13:53,876
I'll choke you, pussy!
Don't...

332
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,293
Don't do that.

333
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:56,751
Just shut the fuck up.

334
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:59,043
You come to bang my daughter,
let's be real.

335
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:01,459
Don't say nothing.
Have some fucking empathy.

336
00:14:01,543 --> 00:14:02,709
What you trying to do, huh?

337
00:14:02,793 --> 00:14:04,293
You trying to love her?
No, no.

338
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:05,751
You trying to fuck my daughter.

339
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:10,293
Let me tell you something,
my guy, that's my bitch.

340
00:14:10,376 --> 00:14:12,418
Yeah, my pussy made that pussy,

341
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:15,959
so respect the guy
when you come through!

342
00:14:16,043 --> 00:14:17,418
Don't say no smart shit to me,

343
00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:18,959
[ Mocking voice ]
"How you doing Mr. Way--"

344
00:14:19,043 --> 00:14:20,584
[ Normal voice ] Shut up!

345
00:14:20,668 --> 00:14:22,793
Just look at me and have some
compassion, have some empathy.

346
00:14:22,876 --> 00:14:25,001
You took your S.A.T.?
That's a S.A.T. word.

347
00:14:25,084 --> 00:14:27,459
You took your S.A.T.'s,
you got a 870 or over,

348
00:14:27,543 --> 00:14:30,084
you know what
the fuck empathy is.

349
00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:32,168
"Cause you give me that look
like you know what the fuck

350
00:14:32,251 --> 00:14:33,668
I'm going through as a father.

351
00:14:33,751 --> 00:14:35,418
I open the door, be like...
[makes creaking sound]

352
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:37,501
"Just give me that look
like you understand, like..."

353
00:14:37,584 --> 00:14:39,126
[ Exhales ]

354
00:14:46,376 --> 00:14:48,209
[ Sighs ]

355
00:15:00,959 --> 00:15:03,543
Then say some cool shit like...

356
00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:04,918
[ Inhales deeply ]

357
00:15:07,793 --> 00:15:11,334
[ Deep voice ]
"You know what it is."

358
00:15:11,418 --> 00:15:13,168
[ Normal voice ]
"You know what it is."

359
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:14,834
That's real nigga talk
right there.

360
00:15:14,918 --> 00:15:17,668
You won my heart with
"You know what it is,"

361
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,293
'cause "You know what it is"

362
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,376
says so much
without saying shit.

363
00:15:21,459 --> 00:15:23,543
So, let's say like --
And brothers understand this.

364
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:25,709
Like, let's say I'm leaving
the amphitheater tonight

365
00:15:25,793 --> 00:15:28,918
and I see some young brothers
outside and they wanna rob me.

366
00:15:29,001 --> 00:15:30,209
And they see it's me,

367
00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:31,709
and they be impressed like,
"Oh, shit!

368
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:34,501
Nigga, that's Marlon Wayans!
Oh, I love you!

369
00:15:34,584 --> 00:15:36,418
Wayans Brothers?
Wayans Brothers?

370
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:39,543
Wayans Brothers?
Come on, my guy.

371
00:15:39,626 --> 00:15:41,001
♪ We brothers ♪

372
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,584
♪ We happy and we singing
and we colored ♪

373
00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:44,876
♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

374
00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:46,876
♪ Gimme a high five! ♪

375
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:49,751
That was my shit.
Yo, 'Little Man'?

376
00:15:49,834 --> 00:15:51,334
Yo, I cried at 'Little Man',

377
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,834
'cause I got a cousin
that small, man,

378
00:15:53,918 --> 00:15:55,418
so I know that shit be real.

379
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:58,043
And then 'White Chicks'?
Yo, that shit was a lit--"

380
00:15:58,126 --> 00:16:00,501
[ Cheers and applause ]

381
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:02,293
"Yo, that -- Yeah,
it was a little gay,

382
00:16:02,376 --> 00:16:04,459
but, nigga, that shit
was funny though.

383
00:16:04,543 --> 00:16:06,834
But, yo, yo, I love y'all, man!

384
00:16:06,918 --> 00:16:09,668
Yo, my family love your family,
but, yo..."

385
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:11,918
[ Sniffs ]

386
00:16:12,001 --> 00:16:14,959
"Me and my niggas is hungry.

387
00:16:15,043 --> 00:16:18,293
And you got that little chain
on, you know what I'm saying?

388
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:21,126
And I like them sneakers
you got on.

389
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:23,501
So as much as I love you...

390
00:16:23,584 --> 00:16:26,584
[sniffs]

391
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:29,001
...you know what it is."

392
00:16:29,084 --> 00:16:30,376
[ Cheers and applause ]

393
00:16:30,459 --> 00:16:31,834
[ Normal voice ]
Somebody give me that shit,

394
00:16:31,918 --> 00:16:34,084
and here, "Take the chain.
Take my sneakers."

395
00:16:34,168 --> 00:16:35,459
That's a real nigga right there.

396
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:37,293
Don't even pull the gun out,
just take it.

397
00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:38,626
The heist is done.

398
00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,043
Same thing with my daughter.

399
00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:41,584
"Nigga, here, take her,
take her, take her.

400
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,834
She deserve a real nigga
like you."

401
00:16:45,709 --> 00:16:48,293
And then when you grab her,
grab her hand and be like,

402
00:16:48,376 --> 00:16:50,293
"Yo, listen, you did
a good job, man.

403
00:16:50,376 --> 00:16:53,084
Just do yourself a favor.

404
00:16:53,168 --> 00:16:56,293
Don't wait up."

405
00:16:56,376 --> 00:16:59,334
And pull up on your skateboard,
ka-ta, ka-ta, ka-ta.

406
00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:00,668
And don't let her on.

407
00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:03,209
Let her chase after you
like a real nigga.

408
00:17:03,293 --> 00:17:06,334
And then turn around and show me
your outie belly button like,

409
00:17:06,418 --> 00:17:09,334
"You know what it is!
You know this shit is real!"

410
00:17:10,876 --> 00:17:13,959
I actually had no anxiety at all
on my daughter's prom night.

411
00:17:14,043 --> 00:17:17,543
Not a drop.
Know why?

412
00:17:17,626 --> 00:17:20,751
'Cause my daughter's gay,
so, yeah.

413
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:22,043
[ Chuckles ]

414
00:17:22,126 --> 00:17:24,876
That took all --
all the anxiety away.

415
00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:26,501
You know what's funny?

416
00:17:26,584 --> 00:17:28,834
Knowing that my daughter wasn't
gonna be banging some dude

417
00:17:28,918 --> 00:17:31,251
or getting pregnant
or having no disease, I --

418
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,959
That doorbell rang,
I was so relieved.

419
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:34,626
I went to the doorbell --
Boom-boom! --

420
00:17:34,709 --> 00:17:35,876
I looked through the peephole,

421
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:38,334
I seen it was a girl,
I said, "Yes!"

422
00:17:38,418 --> 00:17:39,918
[ Laughs ]

423
00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:45,793
"Ooh, this bitch is bad, too.
Hey, how you doing?

424
00:17:45,876 --> 00:17:49,084
Ah, don't call me Mr. Wayans,
call me Mama!"

425
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,418
[ Smooches ]

426
00:17:50,501 --> 00:17:53,043
"Amai, your date is here!

427
00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:56,168
Oh, baby girl,
don't you look beautiful?

428
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:58,626
Look at you.
Don't she look pretty?

429
00:17:58,709 --> 00:18:01,126
But why your dress so long,
girl? Hike your dress up.

430
00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:03,709
Yeah, show some pussy.
She ho-- Yeah.

431
00:18:03,793 --> 00:18:06,126
Girl, you safe.
This like fishing.

432
00:18:06,209 --> 00:18:07,918
Throw that chum in the water.

433
00:18:08,001 --> 00:18:09,376
Go on, show some pussy!

434
00:18:09,459 --> 00:18:14,876
Now, you girls have fun.
Don't do nothing I wouldn't do."

435
00:18:14,959 --> 00:18:17,293
[ Evil laugh ]
"Now, check it out,

436
00:18:17,376 --> 00:18:19,501
I got y'all a little hotel room,
and guess what?

437
00:18:19,584 --> 00:18:21,876
It's a suite!

438
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:25,001
Curfew? Bitch, stay out
till Thursday, yeesh."

439
00:18:26,418 --> 00:18:28,293
"Now, check it out,
I got y'all some party favors.

440
00:18:28,376 --> 00:18:30,876
I got you, uh [sniffs]
I got you a little bit of weed.

441
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:33,334
Just tell the driver
you want some collard greens,

442
00:18:33,418 --> 00:18:35,043
he got that shit
rolled up for you.

443
00:18:35,126 --> 00:18:37,834
I got you some liquor.
I got that good liquor.

444
00:18:37,918 --> 00:18:39,501
I got that Ciroc.

445
00:18:39,584 --> 00:18:42,418
Yeah, that shit that make Diddy
and his kids dance like this.

446
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:46,626
Every time they hear "Ciroc,"
they just be dancing like this.

447
00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:49,418
Here, take this Molly.
Take the Molly.

448
00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:50,709
Don't do the whole pill.

449
00:18:50,793 --> 00:18:52,043
I got this shit from Miami,

450
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:54,501
I don't know what the fuck
is in this shit."

451
00:18:54,584 --> 00:18:55,918
[ Cheers and applause ]

452
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,918
"Just give her half,
and you take the other half.

453
00:18:58,001 --> 00:18:59,709
You do the whole thing,
trust me,

454
00:18:59,793 --> 00:19:02,334
it's gonna be really hard for
you to eat vagina like this."

455
00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:12,918
[ Chuckles ]

456
00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:16,251
That's just how it was, man.
I ain't trippin'.

457
00:19:16,334 --> 00:19:18,501
My daughter told me
she was gay

458
00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:20,959
when she was, uh,
she was how old?

459
00:19:21,043 --> 00:19:22,626
She was 15 years old.

460
00:19:22,709 --> 00:19:26,376
And, uh, you know,
I realized I'm not God.

461
00:19:26,459 --> 00:19:28,501
I can't judge.

462
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,043
I'm a father.

463
00:19:30,126 --> 00:19:32,959
And my job as a father
is to love my daughter

464
00:19:33,043 --> 00:19:37,459
unconditionally,
no matter what.

465
00:19:41,126 --> 00:19:45,126
So, I told my daughter,
you know, I said,

466
00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:48,793
"Listen, baby girl," I said,
"You know, I accept you,

467
00:19:48,876 --> 00:19:52,126
but for you,"

468
00:19:52,209 --> 00:19:54,293
I said, "Don't be concreted
in your thoughts,

469
00:19:54,376 --> 00:19:55,959
because you're still a baby.

470
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:57,793
I mean, life is not a sprint.

471
00:19:57,876 --> 00:19:59,709
This is a marathon.

472
00:19:59,793 --> 00:20:03,334
And what you love today,
you may hate tomorrow."

473
00:20:03,418 --> 00:20:05,418
And I cited an example,
I said,

474
00:20:05,501 --> 00:20:08,418
"Remember when you was little,
you hated peas?

475
00:20:08,501 --> 00:20:11,334
Yeah, you did.
You fucking hated peas.

476
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,709
And what did we do?

477
00:20:12,793 --> 00:20:14,626
We went to the bookstore,
and we got that book.

478
00:20:14,709 --> 00:20:18,001
'Green Eggs and Ham'
by Dr. Seuss.

479
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:21,668
Now who loves peas?
You do!

480
00:20:21,751 --> 00:20:23,334
Right, so let's go
to the bookstore,

481
00:20:23,418 --> 00:20:25,334
and let's see
if we can find another book.

482
00:20:25,418 --> 00:20:29,459
'Green Eggs and Dick'
by Dr. Seuss.

483
00:20:29,543 --> 00:20:31,043
Yeah, and Daddy
will read it to you

484
00:20:31,126 --> 00:20:32,626
like I did
when you was little."

485
00:20:32,709 --> 00:20:34,043
[ Clears throat ]

486
00:20:34,126 --> 00:20:38,001
"'You can suck it in the park.

487
00:20:38,084 --> 00:20:41,834
You can fuck it in the dark.

488
00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:44,376
You can suck it in the rain.

489
00:20:44,459 --> 00:20:46,918
Watch out for big, buff,
Black dick.

490
00:20:47,001 --> 00:20:51,251
It will surely give you pain.

491
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,334
Oh, dick, it comes
in all shapes.

492
00:20:54,418 --> 00:20:57,418
Some are narrow,
some are wide!

493
00:20:57,501 --> 00:21:01,918
Some are round at the top
and others have sleeves.

494
00:21:02,001 --> 00:21:06,751
They call those uncircumcised.

495
00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:09,501
And if you know these dicks
I'm speaking,

496
00:21:09,584 --> 00:21:11,959
the uncircumcised ones
usually belong

497
00:21:12,043 --> 00:21:16,751
to Dominicans
and Puerto Ricans.'"

498
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:20,876
[ Laughter ]

499
00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:22,793
[ Chuckles ]

500
00:21:22,876 --> 00:21:24,043
No, but my daughter was like,

501
00:21:24,126 --> 00:21:25,709
"No, Dad,
you're not getting it."

502
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:28,043
She said, "I'm gay,

503
00:21:28,126 --> 00:21:30,876
so you love me
or you leave me alone."

504
00:21:30,959 --> 00:21:33,584
And she gave me two options,
but I only heard one,

505
00:21:33,668 --> 00:21:35,918
which is to love her, right?

506
00:21:36,001 --> 00:21:38,293
Yeah.

507
00:21:38,376 --> 00:21:40,668
I mean, it actually made me
look at myself.

508
00:21:40,751 --> 00:21:43,251
Like, the fact that
she's living her truth?

509
00:21:43,334 --> 00:21:44,793
I picked up the mirror
and I said,

510
00:21:44,876 --> 00:21:46,418
"Shit, am I living my truth?

511
00:21:46,501 --> 00:21:49,251
I'm lying here next to her
mother every night,

512
00:21:49,334 --> 00:21:52,543
and this shit don't feel right."

513
00:21:56,668 --> 00:21:58,959
"I'm wearing these skinny-ass
leather pants

514
00:21:59,043 --> 00:22:01,459
that's giving me male camel toe.

515
00:22:01,543 --> 00:22:04,751
What the fuck is going on?"

516
00:22:04,834 --> 00:22:06,918
And I realized something.

517
00:22:07,001 --> 00:22:09,084
I wasn't living my truth.

518
00:22:09,168 --> 00:22:10,501
And I thanked my daughter.

519
00:22:10,584 --> 00:22:12,584
I said, "Thank you,
you freed me."

520
00:22:12,668 --> 00:22:17,126
I said, "Baby girl, Daddy...

521
00:22:17,209 --> 00:22:18,876
likes pussy, too."

522
00:22:21,501 --> 00:22:23,251
"I do!
Oh, I love pussy!

523
00:22:23,334 --> 00:22:26,376
Not your mama's.
I'm tired of that shit."

524
00:22:26,459 --> 00:22:29,626
I've been fucking that
for 25 years.

525
00:22:29,709 --> 00:22:31,209
It's like an old piece
of chewing gum.

526
00:22:31,293 --> 00:22:32,959
I just wanna put it up
underneath a desk

527
00:22:33,043 --> 00:22:35,918
and watch it get on somebody
else's jeans and be laughing.

528
00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:39,751
I've learned
I like all kinds of pussy.

529
00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:41,834
I like White pussy.

530
00:22:41,918 --> 00:22:43,834
Yes, I said it, sisters.

531
00:22:43,918 --> 00:22:47,501
And I'll say it to your face.
I like White pussy.

532
00:22:47,584 --> 00:22:49,793
So white, you can hear the "H"
when I pronounce it.

533
00:22:49,876 --> 00:22:51,834
Hh-white!

534
00:22:51,918 --> 00:22:53,376
And look at this brother,
he smiling.

535
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,584
He said, "Man, me too!"

536
00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,126
And I like them a little racist.

537
00:22:59,209 --> 00:23:00,918
I like a little Karen.
I'll go down --

538
00:23:01,001 --> 00:23:03,584
I'll go down to Sarasota
and grab me a fucking Karen,

539
00:23:03,668 --> 00:23:06,418
and I'll fuck her ass and
change her whole perspective.

540
00:23:06,501 --> 00:23:08,126
I'll put that dick so deep,
she'll be like,

541
00:23:08,209 --> 00:23:10,626
[ Screaming ]
"Black Lives Matter!"

542
00:23:10,709 --> 00:23:14,334
[ Cheers and applause,
laughter ]

543
00:23:14,418 --> 00:23:17,876
And I like Latina<i> chocha.</i>
<i>Sí!</i>

544
00:23:17,959 --> 00:23:21,084
<i>Me gusta Latina chocha mucho!</i>

545
00:23:21,168 --> 00:23:23,501
Yeah, I like the<i> gorda labias.</i>

546
00:23:23,584 --> 00:23:25,168
Ah, yes.

547
00:23:25,251 --> 00:23:26,626
And [with accent] yes, yes.

548
00:23:26,709 --> 00:23:27,876
[ Normal voice ]
And then I fuck,

549
00:23:27,959 --> 00:23:29,584
and she fucking call me names,

550
00:23:29,668 --> 00:23:33,126
she like,<i> "Ay, negrito sucio!"</i>

551
00:23:33,209 --> 00:23:36,168
And I say, "Sí.

552
00:23:36,251 --> 00:23:39,876
<i>Negrito su...cio!"</i>

553
00:23:42,751 --> 00:23:44,126
And I like Black.

554
00:23:44,209 --> 00:23:46,834
I like Black, Black, Black,

555
00:23:46,918 --> 00:23:49,918
Bla-a-a-a-a-a-ck pussy.

556
00:23:50,001 --> 00:23:53,543
I'm talking fucking
Black Lives Matter black.

557
00:23:53,626 --> 00:23:56,543
Civil Rights Movement black.

558
00:23:56,626 --> 00:23:59,376
Wyclef Jean's kneecap black.

559
00:24:01,334 --> 00:24:04,376
Bobby Brown crack finger black.

560
00:24:04,459 --> 00:24:06,751
[ Laughs ]

561
00:24:06,834 --> 00:24:10,251
Wesley Snipes' everything black.

562
00:24:10,334 --> 00:24:12,334
And that pussy been
through so much.

563
00:24:12,418 --> 00:24:15,334
All Black women been through
so much trouble and oppression.

564
00:24:15,418 --> 00:24:16,918
She ain't impressed
by nothing you do.

565
00:24:17,001 --> 00:24:18,459
You can't hurt that pussy.

566
00:24:18,543 --> 00:24:20,668
You pull their panties down
and pussy got attitude,

567
00:24:20,751 --> 00:24:22,543
look at you like, "Tsk."

568
00:24:24,334 --> 00:24:27,751
"That's all you got?"

569
00:24:27,834 --> 00:24:29,543
[ Sighs deeply ]

570
00:24:29,626 --> 00:24:32,959
Ah, it feels so good
to live my truth.

571
00:24:33,043 --> 00:24:35,418
Thank you, baby girl,
for accepting me.

572
00:24:35,501 --> 00:24:37,459
[ Sighs ]

573
00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:40,459
Come on.
Let's go live our truth.

574
00:24:40,543 --> 00:24:42,334
Let's go tell your mother, huh?

575
00:24:42,418 --> 00:24:45,293
You first, bitch.
I'll be over here.

576
00:24:45,376 --> 00:24:46,584
I'm proud.

577
00:24:46,668 --> 00:24:50,084
I'm so proud of her
that Pride month passed,

578
00:24:50,168 --> 00:24:52,709
and I put a post up
on my Instagram.

579
00:24:52,793 --> 00:24:55,584
And I wrote her
a beautiful caption.

580
00:24:55,668 --> 00:24:59,251
I said, "Happy Pride Month
to my pride and joy.

581
00:24:59,334 --> 00:25:02,751
I'm so proud of you
for living your truth,

582
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,334
for having the courage
to just be you."

583
00:25:05,418 --> 00:25:07,751
I said, "Daddy loves you
to the moon and back,

584
00:25:07,834 --> 00:25:09,501
around the stars,
through every galaxy.

585
00:25:09,584 --> 00:25:12,084
And one day, when God takes me,
may he bring me back again

586
00:25:12,168 --> 00:25:14,626
to find you exactly the way
you are

587
00:25:14,709 --> 00:25:17,459
and love you
for the rest of eternity.

588
00:25:17,543 --> 00:25:19,376
Love always, Daddy."

589
00:25:19,459 --> 00:25:20,918
[ Applause ]

590
00:25:21,001 --> 00:25:24,126
But you know, on Instagram,
there's always that one comment.

591
00:25:24,209 --> 00:25:29,084
That one negative nigga
with a little dick.

592
00:25:29,168 --> 00:25:33,459
Lonely, insecure, mad he living
in his mama's basement

593
00:25:33,543 --> 00:25:35,418
that's full of fucking mold.

594
00:25:35,501 --> 00:25:38,918
Well, this piece of shit --
Chaz0135.

595
00:25:40,543 --> 00:25:44,043
He writes, "I can't believe you
would teach your daughter this."

596
00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:46,418
I said, "Hey, motherfucker.

597
00:25:46,501 --> 00:25:49,418
I didn't teach this little girl
how to be gay!"

598
00:25:49,501 --> 00:25:52,334
How do you teach somebody
to be gay? Tell me.

599
00:25:52,418 --> 00:25:54,626
What do you think I did?
You think I sat her down

600
00:25:54,709 --> 00:25:56,834
and told her her alphabets
like this?

601
00:25:56,918 --> 00:25:59,043
"Listen, fuck ABC.

602
00:25:59,126 --> 00:26:03,501
All you need to know is LGBTQ.
That's all!"

603
00:26:03,584 --> 00:26:05,001
I didn't teach her to be gay.

604
00:26:05,084 --> 00:26:07,209
Sometimes that's just
the way they are.

605
00:26:07,293 --> 00:26:09,001
I need y'all to listen
to your kids.

606
00:26:09,084 --> 00:26:11,168
I should have known she was gay.
You know how?

607
00:26:11,251 --> 00:26:13,668
I remember when my daughter
was born, right?

608
00:26:13,751 --> 00:26:15,001
My daughter was three --

609
00:26:15,084 --> 00:26:17,751
My daughter was three
and a half weeks late

610
00:26:17,834 --> 00:26:19,334
when we gave birth to her.

611
00:26:19,418 --> 00:26:21,876
Three and a half weeks.
We had to induce labor.

612
00:26:21,959 --> 00:26:23,751
We used Pitocin to get her out.

613
00:26:23,834 --> 00:26:26,418
Her mother was in labor
for 42 hours,

614
00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,918
trying to push
this little girl out.

615
00:26:29,001 --> 00:26:32,751
So obviously, this little bitch
loved pussy!

616
00:26:36,126 --> 00:26:38,459
But see, I wasn't listening.

617
00:26:38,543 --> 00:26:41,584
So I look at guys
like Chaz0135, and I go,

618
00:26:41,668 --> 00:26:44,626
"Listen, sometimes that's just
the way the child comes.

619
00:26:44,709 --> 00:26:47,001
And how dare you try
to shame a young lady

620
00:26:47,084 --> 00:26:48,918
that's just trying to find
her way in the world."

621
00:26:49,001 --> 00:26:50,376
That shit pissed me off.

622
00:26:50,459 --> 00:26:52,334
I'm a troll, I went to
that motherfucker's profile,

623
00:26:52,418 --> 00:26:54,209
I started looking --
thinking of jokes.

624
00:26:54,293 --> 00:26:56,584
Oh, I called my brothers.
Yes, I called for backup.

625
00:26:56,668 --> 00:26:57,876
I said, "Shawn,
Keenen, Damon.

626
00:26:57,959 --> 00:27:02,293
Instagram. Chaz0135.
Koo-koo!"

627
00:27:02,376 --> 00:27:03,918
[ Applause ]

628
00:27:04,001 --> 00:27:06,834
Oh, we a family full of niggas.

629
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:09,793
They hit me back with the "Soo!"

630
00:27:09,876 --> 00:27:11,501
Yeah, and I was starting to --

631
00:27:11,584 --> 00:27:13,168
like, we about to light him up
with jokes,

632
00:27:13,251 --> 00:27:18,251
but then I saw that Chaz0135
had a brand-new baby girl.

633
00:27:18,334 --> 00:27:21,918
And so I seen where
his insecurity was coming from.

634
00:27:22,001 --> 00:27:23,834
So I instantly called
my boys off,

635
00:27:23,918 --> 00:27:26,584
called the boys off, was like...
[ makes bird sound ]

636
00:27:26,668 --> 00:27:29,251
Oh, that's bird talk for
"Back up, back up, back up."

637
00:27:29,334 --> 00:27:32,584
And they hit me back
with the...[ makes bird sound ]

638
00:27:32,668 --> 00:27:35,043
That's, "Alright, nigga,
you good, you good, you good."

639
00:27:35,126 --> 00:27:37,751
[ Chuckles ]
Because I know some--

640
00:27:37,834 --> 00:27:38,918
I'm gonna tell you something.

641
00:27:39,001 --> 00:27:41,709
I'm a -- I'm a man of God.

642
00:27:41,793 --> 00:27:45,834
"No weapon formed against me
shall prosper."

643
00:27:45,918 --> 00:27:47,418
Yes.

644
00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:51,084
I saw the same Tyler Perry movie
as you, sister, same one.

645
00:27:51,168 --> 00:27:54,709
Because you realize something,
that there's a karma to life.

646
00:27:54,793 --> 00:27:56,668
You ain't gotta do nothing
to bad people.

647
00:27:56,751 --> 00:27:58,459
Let me tell you something,
Chaz0135.

648
00:27:58,543 --> 00:28:01,251
One day when your baby girl
grows up,

649
00:28:01,334 --> 00:28:05,751
and she turns 19,
and she comes out the closet...

650
00:28:07,501 --> 00:28:10,334
...I'm gonna have
my daughter fuck her!

651
00:28:16,043 --> 00:28:19,168
'Cause I'm a motherfucking troll
like that.

652
00:28:19,251 --> 00:28:20,626
[ Laughter ]

653
00:28:20,709 --> 00:28:23,001
Guess what?
I got gay friends.

654
00:28:23,084 --> 00:28:24,751
You should see the looks
that I get from people

655
00:28:24,834 --> 00:28:26,584
when I hang out
with my gay friends.

656
00:28:26,668 --> 00:28:30,084
Even my straight guy friends
be looking at me

657
00:28:30,168 --> 00:28:31,668
when I hang out
with my gay guy friends.

658
00:28:31,751 --> 00:28:34,209
They be looking at me like,
"Oh, hey, watch out, bro.

659
00:28:34,293 --> 00:28:35,626
Watch out."

660
00:28:35,709 --> 00:28:38,668
"Watch out for what?
This shit ain't contagious.

661
00:28:38,751 --> 00:28:40,084
This shit ain't COVID.

662
00:28:40,168 --> 00:28:42,918
Like, you can't catch gay,
nigga, like..."

663
00:28:43,001 --> 00:28:46,501
You acting like I hang out with
my gay friends and I catch gay

664
00:28:46,584 --> 00:28:48,668
and I show up the next day
and I'm just coughing up dick.

665
00:28:48,751 --> 00:28:50,709
"Hey, Marlon, how you doing?"

666
00:28:56,918 --> 00:28:58,876
"I don't feel so good!"

667
00:28:58,959 --> 00:29:00,334
"What happened to you?"

668
00:29:00,418 --> 00:29:02,626
"Oh, I hung out with Aubrey,
and he sneezed on me,

669
00:29:02,709 --> 00:29:05,376
and I just been coughing up dick
all day!"

670
00:29:05,459 --> 00:29:08,376
[ Sneezes ]
"Oh, I keep this up,

671
00:29:08,459 --> 00:29:11,168
I think I'm gonna have
to call in dick to work.

672
00:29:11,251 --> 00:29:12,376
This getting crazy."

673
00:29:12,459 --> 00:29:13,584
No, can't catch gay.

674
00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:15,876
And I'm glad I got
my gay friends.

675
00:29:15,959 --> 00:29:17,376
'Cause that's who
I consulted with

676
00:29:17,459 --> 00:29:19,209
when it was time for me
to figure out my daughter.

677
00:29:19,293 --> 00:29:21,334
I sat my gay buddy down,
I said, "Hey, bro,"

678
00:29:21,418 --> 00:29:23,543
I said, "Let me ask you
ask you a question."

679
00:29:23,626 --> 00:29:25,543
I said, "When did you know
you were gay?"

680
00:29:25,626 --> 00:29:29,584
He looked at me, he said,
[Effeminate voice] "Well..."

681
00:29:29,668 --> 00:29:30,751
[ Normal voice ]
He -- he did.

682
00:29:30,834 --> 00:29:32,043
He got -- he got noodley on me.

683
00:29:32,126 --> 00:29:34,543
He said, [Effeminate voice]
"Well..."

684
00:29:34,626 --> 00:29:37,209
[ Normal voice ]
And he made this little noise.

685
00:29:37,293 --> 00:29:38,543
He went [clicks tongue]

686
00:29:38,626 --> 00:29:40,709
I said, "What the fuck?

687
00:29:40,793 --> 00:29:42,376
What was that noise?

688
00:29:42,459 --> 00:29:44,959
You just pull off an imaginary
penis to answer my question?"

689
00:29:45,043 --> 00:29:46,376
[ Laughs ]

690
00:29:46,459 --> 00:29:47,709
You know, me and my friend,
we continued to talk.

691
00:29:47,793 --> 00:29:49,001
He asked,
"What are you gonna do?"

692
00:29:49,084 --> 00:29:50,751
And I said,
"I'm gonna accept her."

693
00:29:50,834 --> 00:29:52,709
And he said, "That's
the only thing you can do.

694
00:29:52,793 --> 00:29:54,626
I wasn't so lucky.

695
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:58,501
I haven't spoken to my father
since the day I came out."

696
00:29:58,584 --> 00:30:01,751
And that shit fucked me up, man.
That shit had me thinking.

697
00:30:01,834 --> 00:30:03,209
I was like, "Damn.

698
00:30:03,293 --> 00:30:05,543
What if it was
my son that was gay?"

699
00:30:05,626 --> 00:30:09,084
Like, what would that prom night
be like?

700
00:30:12,418 --> 00:30:14,543
Let's go on a little journey.

701
00:30:14,626 --> 00:30:16,293
[ Chuckles ]

702
00:30:16,376 --> 00:30:19,584
Doorbell rings.

703
00:30:19,668 --> 00:30:22,043
"Boom-boom."
I get all excited.

704
00:30:22,126 --> 00:30:23,418
Yeah, let's see
what he working with!

705
00:30:23,501 --> 00:30:24,793
[ Laughs ]

706
00:30:24,876 --> 00:30:26,709
[ Screams ]

707
00:30:26,793 --> 00:30:29,293
Unh-unh.

708
00:30:29,376 --> 00:30:31,751
What in the fuck?

709
00:30:31,834 --> 00:30:34,168
Aw.

710
00:30:34,251 --> 00:30:36,376
This nigga.

711
00:30:36,459 --> 00:30:38,626
"Shawn, come downstairs,
your dick is here.

712
00:30:38,709 --> 00:30:41,293
I mean, your date is here!

713
00:30:41,376 --> 00:30:42,709
Yeah, there's weed
in the glove box.

714
00:30:42,793 --> 00:30:46,001
Roll me a blunt, please.
Shit, I need one.

715
00:30:46,084 --> 00:30:49,168
Uh, also, guys, I-I got you
some, uh, liquor.

716
00:30:49,251 --> 00:30:50,709
I got liquor.
I got Ciroc in there.

717
00:30:50,793 --> 00:30:52,293
Yeah, yeah, you can drink
the Ciroc.

718
00:30:52,376 --> 00:30:53,959
But also I got you
some Hennessy.

719
00:30:54,043 --> 00:30:56,793
You may wanna pour the brown
liquor on your booty hole

720
00:30:56,876 --> 00:30:58,668
and just numb it up a little

721
00:30:58,751 --> 00:31:01,626
before you do
what you're gonna do."

722
00:31:01,709 --> 00:31:03,501
And I be like, "Here, here,
hey, guys, here.

723
00:31:03,584 --> 00:31:04,876
Take the Molly.
Take the Molly.

724
00:31:04,959 --> 00:31:07,626
Wait, how -- how tall are you?
6'4"?

725
00:31:07,709 --> 00:31:10,584
Oh, Goddamn, here take five.

726
00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:13,168
May be a little easier for you
to take that dick

727
00:31:13,251 --> 00:31:14,626
if you're a little bit high."

728
00:31:14,709 --> 00:31:16,293
Like...[groans]

729
00:31:16,376 --> 00:31:21,126
But then I would take a beat,
and I would think to myself

730
00:31:21,209 --> 00:31:26,168
that on the other side
of my fear is my son.

731
00:31:26,251 --> 00:31:30,168
My child that God gave me,
the boy that I raised.

732
00:31:30,251 --> 00:31:32,501
And no child deserves
to go unloved

733
00:31:32,584 --> 00:31:35,376
or unsupported
because of their sexuality.

734
00:31:35,459 --> 00:31:36,918
[ Applause ]

735
00:31:37,001 --> 00:31:38,418
This is a real issue
for fathers,

736
00:31:38,501 --> 00:31:40,084
especially
in the Black community.

737
00:31:40,168 --> 00:31:42,668
So yes, I will call
my gay son back.

738
00:31:42,751 --> 00:31:44,334
I'll be like, "Come here, nigga.
Come here. Come here.

739
00:31:44,418 --> 00:31:46,834
Just him please.
Thanks, Sasquatch."

740
00:31:48,751 --> 00:31:51,168
I'll be like, "Look,
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

741
00:31:51,251 --> 00:31:53,209
It's just that, you know,
this whole gay thing

742
00:31:53,293 --> 00:31:54,668
just crept up on me
from behind.

743
00:31:54,751 --> 00:31:56,959
Not behind like, 'Oh!'
You know what I mean?

744
00:31:57,043 --> 00:31:58,501
You know, it's just that,
you know,

745
00:31:58,584 --> 00:32:01,084
I'm just having a hard time
trying to swallow it.

746
00:32:01,168 --> 00:32:03,626
Not swallow it like [gagging]

747
00:32:03,709 --> 00:32:06,209
Okay, it's just that,
when you was little,

748
00:32:06,293 --> 00:32:08,001
I-I-I was like,
'Hey, I got a son,

749
00:32:08,084 --> 00:32:10,501
and we gonna play ball together!
Yay!'

750
00:32:10,584 --> 00:32:13,793
And I didn't know you wanted
to play with dudes,

751
00:32:13,876 --> 00:32:16,043
so that's kinda
fucking me up.

752
00:32:16,126 --> 00:32:18,001
But let me ask you something.

753
00:32:18,084 --> 00:32:19,709
Are you happy?

754
00:32:19,793 --> 00:32:21,501
No, are you really happy?

755
00:32:21,584 --> 00:32:24,584
And this is your life?

756
00:32:24,668 --> 00:32:27,626
Then fuck it,
I'm happy for you.

757
00:32:27,709 --> 00:32:28,959
And I accept you.

758
00:32:29,043 --> 00:32:31,251
You're my son.
Come here, boy, I love you.

759
00:32:31,334 --> 00:32:32,584
I'm proud of you.
Come here.

760
00:32:32,668 --> 00:32:33,876
Give me a hug, come here.

761
00:32:33,959 --> 00:32:35,376
Put your arms around me.

762
00:32:35,459 --> 00:32:38,168
Stop being gay.
Put your arms around me.

763
00:32:38,251 --> 00:32:40,709
I love you, boy.
[ Smooches ]

764
00:32:40,793 --> 00:32:44,918
Alright. Go ahead, nigga,
go enjoy your prom night.

765
00:32:45,001 --> 00:32:48,334
Yeah, you look pretty
in your dress, okay?"

766
00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:52,001
Just do me a favor.

767
00:32:52,084 --> 00:32:53,293
For your dad.

768
00:32:53,376 --> 00:32:56,876
From nigga...to niggette.

769
00:33:00,168 --> 00:33:02,584
Just don't be no bitch-ass
nigga.

770
00:33:02,668 --> 00:33:05,001
You fuck that nigga
in his ass.

771
00:33:05,084 --> 00:33:06,751
Yeah! You give him
the Wayans stroke!

772
00:33:06,834 --> 00:33:08,584
Yeah, boy! Yeah!

773
00:33:08,668 --> 00:33:11,334
Yeah, boy! Yeah, boy!
Yeah!

774
00:33:11,418 --> 00:33:13,459
[ Speaks indistinctly ]

775
00:33:13,543 --> 00:33:15,251
I got a son.

776
00:33:15,334 --> 00:33:17,959
He ain't gay,
but he's an asshole.

777
00:33:18,043 --> 00:33:21,084
I don't know what happens to
kids when they become teenagers.

778
00:33:21,168 --> 00:33:23,293
They just turn into dickheads.

779
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:24,501
My son's a dickhead.

780
00:33:24,584 --> 00:33:26,668
Like, you know,
when he was little,

781
00:33:26,751 --> 00:33:28,293
when he was 4 years old,

782
00:33:28,376 --> 00:33:31,084
that boy worshipped the ground
I walked on.

783
00:33:31,168 --> 00:33:32,959
I couldn't go anywhere
without him

784
00:33:33,043 --> 00:33:34,293
following me around or crying.

785
00:33:34,376 --> 00:33:36,293
I would leave the house
for one minute,

786
00:33:36,376 --> 00:33:37,626
this boy would lose his mind.

787
00:33:37,709 --> 00:33:39,543
[ Crying ]
"I want my daddy!

788
00:33:39,626 --> 00:33:42,251
I want my daddy!
I want my daddy!

789
00:33:42,334 --> 00:33:45,334
No, get off me, Mom!
I don't want you, I want Dad!"

790
00:33:45,418 --> 00:33:46,876
[ Normal voice ]
And I'd come back in the house,

791
00:33:46,959 --> 00:33:48,501
I'd be like, "Hey, son!
I'm home!"

792
00:33:48,584 --> 00:33:50,751
He'd go, "Dad!"
and he would run to me,

793
00:33:50,834 --> 00:33:53,959
and he'd grab my leg and go,
"Dad, you my best friend.

794
00:33:54,043 --> 00:33:57,918
Don't ever leave again.
Don't ever leave again."

795
00:33:58,001 --> 00:34:01,834
And I'd say, "Aw, there,
there, little nigga.

796
00:34:01,918 --> 00:34:03,626
[ Chuckles ]

797
00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:07,001
I just went to the store, man.
Get the fuck up off me."

798
00:34:07,084 --> 00:34:09,668
That's when my son
was 4 years old.

799
00:34:09,751 --> 00:34:13,501
My son is 18 years old now.

800
00:34:13,584 --> 00:34:15,251
Boy, does times change.

801
00:34:15,334 --> 00:34:17,709
I was gone for three
and a half months.

802
00:34:17,793 --> 00:34:19,668
Three and a half months.

803
00:34:19,751 --> 00:34:21,209
I would call my son.

804
00:34:21,293 --> 00:34:23,293
Shit go right to voicemail.

805
00:34:23,376 --> 00:34:25,084
So I text his little ass.

806
00:34:25,168 --> 00:34:28,126
He didn't text me back.
No bubbles, no nothing.

807
00:34:28,209 --> 00:34:30,834
He wasn't even attempting
to hit me back.

808
00:34:30,918 --> 00:34:33,668
So I FaceTime his ass.

809
00:34:33,751 --> 00:34:35,001
Shit said "Unavailable."

810
00:34:35,084 --> 00:34:37,376
Just a picture of me
looking stupid like...

811
00:34:39,418 --> 00:34:41,001
So I hit him on Facebook.

812
00:34:41,084 --> 00:34:43,543
You know he unfriended me?

813
00:34:43,626 --> 00:34:45,668
So I dipped into his Instagram.

814
00:34:45,751 --> 00:34:48,418
This motherfucker unfollowed me.

815
00:34:48,501 --> 00:34:52,709
But he still follows
Chaz0135.

816
00:34:52,793 --> 00:34:56,126
So now at this point, I'm like,
"What's this dude's problem?"

817
00:34:56,209 --> 00:35:00,126
And I started getting mad,
but then I started thinking,

818
00:35:00,209 --> 00:35:02,251
"Well, maybe he just misses me,

819
00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:04,251
and he don't know
how to express that."

820
00:35:04,334 --> 00:35:05,626
But you know what?

821
00:35:05,709 --> 00:35:07,543
When I come home
after three and a half months,

822
00:35:07,626 --> 00:35:10,084
he's gonna come running to me
like he did when he was little.

823
00:35:10,168 --> 00:35:13,126
He's gonna grab my leg and say,
"Dad, don't ever leave again.

824
00:35:13,209 --> 00:35:14,793
Don't ever leave again."

825
00:35:14,876 --> 00:35:17,209
And, boy, was I wrong.

826
00:35:17,293 --> 00:35:20,293
I came in the house
after three and a half months.

827
00:35:20,376 --> 00:35:21,293
I was so cocky.

828
00:35:21,376 --> 00:35:22,543
I walked in, I dropped my bags,

829
00:35:22,626 --> 00:35:25,001
I said, "Son!

830
00:35:25,084 --> 00:35:26,959
Daddy's home!"

831
00:35:27,043 --> 00:35:29,376
This jackass looked at me,
he said,

832
00:35:29,459 --> 00:35:32,001
[ Sniffs ]
"What up, nigga?"

833
00:35:33,584 --> 00:35:34,793
And then he walked away.

834
00:35:34,876 --> 00:35:36,209
I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, nigga,

835
00:35:36,293 --> 00:35:37,751
if you don't get
the fuck over here

836
00:35:37,834 --> 00:35:40,876
and give me the proper greeting,
a hug and a kiss,

837
00:35:40,959 --> 00:35:43,251
I swear to God, I will shove you
back in my dick,

838
00:35:43,334 --> 00:35:45,626
and I will shoot you
into a sock!"

839
00:35:48,501 --> 00:35:50,834
Yeah, you better consider
yourself lucky you here.

840
00:35:50,918 --> 00:35:52,959
It's 'cause of me.
It's 'cause of my shot.

841
00:35:53,043 --> 00:35:55,043
'Cause, boy, I coulda
shot you anywhere.

842
00:35:55,126 --> 00:35:56,459
I coulda shot you on a wall,

843
00:35:56,543 --> 00:35:58,959
I coulda shot you on the
ceiling. I could reach!

844
00:35:59,043 --> 00:36:00,834
I just gotta hold it
and then, bow!

845
00:36:00,918 --> 00:36:03,501
I coulda shot you in the sink,
right down the drain.

846
00:36:03,584 --> 00:36:06,251
I coulda back-handed you or shot
you in your mama's hair.

847
00:36:06,334 --> 00:36:07,751
I coulda shot you in her face,

848
00:36:07,834 --> 00:36:10,126
'cause your mama like
that type of shit, son.

849
00:36:13,543 --> 00:36:15,001
And it's not that I'm upset.

850
00:36:15,084 --> 00:36:16,834
It's that I'm hurt.

851
00:36:16,918 --> 00:36:18,418
Father's Day come.

852
00:36:18,501 --> 00:36:22,459
The one fucking day that fathers
get to be loved and appreciated.

853
00:36:22,543 --> 00:36:25,126
My daughter,
she posts a picture of me,

854
00:36:25,209 --> 00:36:27,751
she writes me
nine measly words.

855
00:36:27,834 --> 00:36:29,834
"Happy Father's Day, Dad.

856
00:36:29,918 --> 00:36:32,293
You a good dude."

857
00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:39,084
I said, "No, little gay bitch.
<i>You</i> a good dude."

858
00:36:42,209 --> 00:36:43,376
But I gotta give it to her.

859
00:36:43,459 --> 00:36:45,168
At least she gave me
some effort.

860
00:36:45,251 --> 00:36:46,876
She wrote words.

861
00:36:46,959 --> 00:36:52,126
My son, this little dickhead,
he writes me three letters.

862
00:36:52,209 --> 00:36:56,168
#HFD.

863
00:36:56,251 --> 00:36:58,001
Y'all, I was so confused,
I was like,

864
00:36:58,084 --> 00:37:00,293
"Houston Fire Department,
what the fuck?"

865
00:37:00,376 --> 00:37:02,918
[ Chuckles ]

866
00:37:03,001 --> 00:37:04,584
It took me to Christmas
to realize

867
00:37:04,668 --> 00:37:08,334
this jackass was saying
"Happy Father's Day."

868
00:37:08,418 --> 00:37:10,168
And I don't know
what I did wrong.

869
00:37:10,251 --> 00:37:12,751
'Cause when you parent,
there's no proper formula.

870
00:37:12,834 --> 00:37:18,001
But I know I left
one important ingredient out.

871
00:37:18,084 --> 00:37:19,501
I...

872
00:37:19,584 --> 00:37:22,126
didn't spank my children.

873
00:37:22,209 --> 00:37:26,209
Um, all the sisters like,
"Oh, you did what?

874
00:37:26,293 --> 00:37:27,626
Send them motherfuckers
to my house.

875
00:37:27,709 --> 00:37:29,084
I got you, boo.

876
00:37:29,168 --> 00:37:31,251
I'll beat they ass and send them
right back to you.

877
00:37:31,334 --> 00:37:33,918
No, I wo-- I'll put cocoa butter
on they little scars

878
00:37:34,001 --> 00:37:36,376
and send them
right fucking back."

879
00:37:36,459 --> 00:37:40,001
Spanking's just some shit
that we inherited from slavery.

880
00:37:40,084 --> 00:37:44,751
And all we doing is passing that
damage down to our own children.

881
00:37:44,834 --> 00:37:47,043
White folks don't do that.
They talk to their kids.

882
00:37:47,126 --> 00:37:49,459
You see little kids in
the supermarket throwing shit

883
00:37:49,543 --> 00:37:51,543
and shitting in
fucking cereal boxes and...

884
00:37:51,626 --> 00:37:53,251
[ Mock White voice ]
"Stop that, Jimmy.

885
00:37:53,334 --> 00:37:54,418
Jimmy, no, that's not nice.

886
00:37:54,501 --> 00:37:57,251
You're making me anxious,
Jimmy."

887
00:37:57,334 --> 00:37:58,918
[ Normal voice ] Nig?

888
00:37:59,001 --> 00:38:01,293
Black folks' kid grab
a cereal box,

889
00:38:01,376 --> 00:38:03,793
"I'll kill ya, nigga!
Bap bap!"

890
00:38:03,876 --> 00:38:06,084
We gotta stop that shit, y'all.

891
00:38:06,168 --> 00:38:07,543
That's some bullshit.

892
00:38:07,626 --> 00:38:09,918
And I remember the day
that I was at that crossroad

893
00:38:10,001 --> 00:38:11,918
where I was gonna spank -
where I --

894
00:38:12,001 --> 00:38:17,084
I--I chose not to spank
my son or my kids.

895
00:38:17,168 --> 00:38:19,334
So, my son was 4 years old,

896
00:38:19,418 --> 00:38:20,793
and he had one of his buddies
over at the house.

897
00:38:20,876 --> 00:38:22,126
Little badass kid.

898
00:38:22,209 --> 00:38:25,751
Little nigga, name was like
Tyrese or Tyrell.

899
00:38:25,834 --> 00:38:27,876
I think anything with
a "Ty" in it --

900
00:38:27,959 --> 00:38:31,334
Tyrese, Tyrell,
Ty-Ty, Tyrone,

901
00:38:31,418 --> 00:38:35,293
he gonna spend time in juvie
at some point in his life.

902
00:38:35,376 --> 00:38:36,918
He a bad little nigga.

903
00:38:37,001 --> 00:38:39,543
He had the cornrows, little
tattoo on his neck and shit.

904
00:38:39,626 --> 00:38:41,293
And my son, they were --
he playing --

905
00:38:41,376 --> 00:38:43,043
they were playing ball
in the house.

906
00:38:43,126 --> 00:38:44,584
Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

907
00:38:44,668 --> 00:38:47,251
And you know, my children's
mother, she got all upset.

908
00:38:47,334 --> 00:38:48,543
She started nagging.

909
00:38:48,626 --> 00:38:50,251
"Shawn, stop playing ball
in the house!"

910
00:38:50,334 --> 00:38:52,168
And you know kids, they don't
listen to their mother.

911
00:38:52,251 --> 00:38:53,418
Like, "Yeah, whatever, bitch."

912
00:38:53,501 --> 00:38:54,626
Boppity-boppity-boppity-bah.

913
00:38:54,709 --> 00:38:56,459
So she calls me in.

914
00:38:56,543 --> 00:38:59,043
"Marlon, I told Shawn to stop
playing ball in the house

915
00:38:59,126 --> 00:39:00,459
and he ain't listening!"

916
00:39:00,543 --> 00:39:01,918
So, you know, I hit him
with the daddy voice.

917
00:39:02,001 --> 00:39:03,876
I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!"

918
00:39:03,959 --> 00:39:06,709
[ Normal voice ] Every nigga
with a father just...

919
00:39:06,793 --> 00:39:07,959
That's what my son did.

920
00:39:08,043 --> 00:39:09,709
I said, [ Deep voice ]
"Hey, hey, hey!

921
00:39:09,793 --> 00:39:11,543
Your mama says
stop playing ball in the house,

922
00:39:11,626 --> 00:39:13,043
you stop playing ball in the
house, you understand me?"

923
00:39:13,126 --> 00:39:15,126
[ Normal voice ]
My son said, "Okay."

924
00:39:15,209 --> 00:39:19,126
And then Tyrese, this little
fatherless motherfucker.

925
00:39:19,209 --> 00:39:22,293
I say that 'cause he was immune
to daddy voice.

926
00:39:22,376 --> 00:39:24,918
So I squeezed one of my balls
to get the ball --

927
00:39:25,001 --> 00:39:26,751
to get the voice
a little deeper.

928
00:39:26,834 --> 00:39:28,293
I said, [ Deeper voice ]
"Hey, nigga, I don't care

929
00:39:28,376 --> 00:39:30,001
if I'm your daddy or not,
you better stop playing ball

930
00:39:30,084 --> 00:39:31,626
in the Goddamn house
before I kick your little ass."

931
00:39:31,709 --> 00:39:35,126
[ Normal voice ] He said,
"Man, you ain't my daddy."

932
00:39:35,209 --> 00:39:38,168
I said, "I see why
your daddy left you,

933
00:39:38,251 --> 00:39:40,001
you little piece of shit."

934
00:39:40,084 --> 00:39:41,376
And so he's still
dribbling the ball.

935
00:39:41,459 --> 00:39:42,876
I told my son,
"Hey, you better not play.

936
00:39:42,959 --> 00:39:44,334
He can do what the fuck he want,
but you?

937
00:39:44,418 --> 00:39:45,793
You better listen to me."
My son said, "Okay."

938
00:39:45,876 --> 00:39:47,168
So Tyrese is dribbling the ball.

939
00:39:47,251 --> 00:39:49,209
Bobbity-bobbity-bobbity-bop.
Bobbity-bop.

940
00:39:49,293 --> 00:39:51,334
He crossing over.
Bobbity-bop. Bobbity-bop.

941
00:39:51,418 --> 00:39:52,959
Through the legs.
Bop-bop-bop.

942
00:39:53,043 --> 00:39:55,043
And he doing behind-the-back
drills. Bop-bop.

943
00:39:55,126 --> 00:39:57,584
He playing ball so good,
this shit looked fun.

944
00:39:57,668 --> 00:40:00,459
I want the nigga
to pass me the ball.

945
00:40:00,543 --> 00:40:04,001
So, at a point, my son
looking at Tyrese,

946
00:40:04,084 --> 00:40:08,334
and he's all impressed,
and then he look at me.

947
00:40:08,418 --> 00:40:11,543
And he'd look back at Tyrese
dribbling the ball.

948
00:40:11,626 --> 00:40:13,043
And he'd look at me.

949
00:40:13,126 --> 00:40:14,876
And he'd look at Tyrese
dribbling the ball,

950
00:40:14,959 --> 00:40:18,126
and he'd look at Tyrese,
he'd go, "Hey, Tyrese!

951
00:40:18,209 --> 00:40:19,543
Pass me the ball!"

952
00:40:19,626 --> 00:40:23,376
Man, I got so mad,
I forgot my son was my son.

953
00:40:23,459 --> 00:40:25,459
Matter of fact, I forgot
he was a kid, period.

954
00:40:25,543 --> 00:40:27,543
I talked to him like
he was a grown-ass man.

955
00:40:27,626 --> 00:40:29,959
I said, "Man, are you out
your motherfucking mind!

956
00:40:30,043 --> 00:40:32,209
You know who the fuck I am,
nigga?

957
00:40:32,293 --> 00:40:33,584
You don't know me, nigga!

958
00:40:33,668 --> 00:40:36,584
Oh, fuck, I'll fuck you up, boy!
I'll fuck you up!

959
00:40:36,668 --> 00:40:38,459
You don't know me!
You don't know me, nigga!

960
00:40:38,543 --> 00:40:40,876
My mama don't know me,
and I came out of her.

961
00:40:40,959 --> 00:40:42,376
You know who you fucking with?

962
00:40:42,459 --> 00:40:44,251
I'll fucking chuck
your little ass!"

963
00:40:44,334 --> 00:40:45,543
And his mother ran to him,
she said,

964
00:40:45,626 --> 00:40:47,043
"Marlon, what you doing?"

965
00:40:47,126 --> 00:40:50,251
I said, "Bitch,
this your fault!"

966
00:40:50,334 --> 00:40:52,043
She said, "Put him down."
So I put his little ass down.

967
00:40:52,126 --> 00:40:54,626
She said, "What's wrong with
you?" I said, "I don't know!"

968
00:40:54,709 --> 00:40:56,293
So she grabbed me,
brought me to the bathroom.

969
00:40:56,376 --> 00:40:58,959
And I came out the door, said,
"I'ma fuck you up, Shawn!

970
00:40:59,043 --> 00:41:01,459
And Tyrese,
I'm fucking you up, too!"

971
00:41:01,543 --> 00:41:03,334
And that's when Tyrese
pulled out his knife,

972
00:41:03,418 --> 00:41:05,126
he said,
"Yeah, nigga, come on with it.

973
00:41:05,209 --> 00:41:07,293
Come on with it."

974
00:41:07,376 --> 00:41:10,168
So Angela grabs me
into the bathroom.

975
00:41:10,251 --> 00:41:13,168
And at this point, I'm fucking
crying and I'm shaking.

976
00:41:13,251 --> 00:41:15,084
And she's like,
"What's wrong with you?"

977
00:41:15,168 --> 00:41:16,876
I was like,
"I don't fucking know!"

978
00:41:16,959 --> 00:41:19,626
And I look in the mirror.

979
00:41:19,709 --> 00:41:24,126
And then my face morphs to me
as a little boy.

980
00:41:25,793 --> 00:41:29,251
And I started thinking about
all the ass-whoopings

981
00:41:29,334 --> 00:41:30,918
that my father gave me.

982
00:41:31,001 --> 00:41:35,168
And I started thinking about how
much those ass-whoopings hurt.

983
00:41:35,251 --> 00:41:40,168
Not just my heart, but my ass.

984
00:41:40,251 --> 00:41:43,543
And I started thinking that
every time my father hit me,

985
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:47,876
it only made me
further away from him.

986
00:41:47,959 --> 00:41:49,626
It made me distant
from my father.

987
00:41:49,709 --> 00:41:54,293
I love my father now as a man,
but as a kid, I didn't love him.

988
00:41:54,376 --> 00:41:55,751
I feared him.

989
00:41:55,834 --> 00:41:58,293
Every time my father
called my name -- "Marlon!"

990
00:41:58,376 --> 00:42:01,793
Yo, my heart would beat fast,
I'd piss my leg a little bit.

991
00:42:01,876 --> 00:42:05,376
My leg would get itchy,
my ass would get small.

992
00:42:05,459 --> 00:42:07,918
My booty hole get nervous.
Booty hole be looking over.

993
00:42:08,001 --> 00:42:10,084
[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now.

994
00:42:10,168 --> 00:42:12,293
[ Normal voice ]
And it got to the point

995
00:42:12,376 --> 00:42:14,293
where sometimes it wasn't even
for a spanking.

996
00:42:14,376 --> 00:42:15,376
For good shit, I'd get scared!

997
00:42:15,459 --> 00:42:17,209
"Marlon!" Ha!
[ Sobs ]

998
00:42:17,293 --> 00:42:19,043
"Here, take this,
go get some ice cream."

999
00:42:19,126 --> 00:42:21,793
"Oh, my God, what kind
of fucking mind trick is this?"

1000
00:42:23,751 --> 00:42:25,918
Because what parents
don't realize,

1001
00:42:26,001 --> 00:42:29,084
especially a father,
you are your child's superhero.

1002
00:42:29,168 --> 00:42:33,626
So every time you hit your kid,
it's like Spider-Man made a web

1003
00:42:33,709 --> 00:42:37,001
that was a belt
and whooped his little ass.

1004
00:42:37,084 --> 00:42:38,209
Like Superman took off his cape

1005
00:42:38,293 --> 00:42:39,793
and made one of them
little towels

1006
00:42:39,876 --> 00:42:41,959
that you hit niggas in the ass
in the locker room.

1007
00:42:42,043 --> 00:42:43,668
Sh-pap!
Sh-pap!

1008
00:42:43,751 --> 00:42:45,501
That's what it feels like!

1009
00:42:45,584 --> 00:42:47,918
And so I chose
not to hit my son.

1010
00:42:48,001 --> 00:42:49,751
Instead, I sent him to bed.
I said, "Go to bed!

1011
00:42:49,834 --> 00:42:52,168
And don't eat!

1012
00:42:52,251 --> 00:42:55,959
Ever! Nigga, you better
not ever eat again!"

1013
00:42:56,043 --> 00:42:59,001
So 4:00 in the morning,
I woke his little ass up.

1014
00:42:59,084 --> 00:43:00,459
I said, "Shawn!"

1015
00:43:00,543 --> 00:43:02,376
He got up all scared.
I could hear his heartbeat.

1016
00:43:02,459 --> 00:43:03,751
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

1017
00:43:03,834 --> 00:43:06,376
I could see a little pee
dribbling down his leg.

1018
00:43:06,459 --> 00:43:07,793
His little ass got tight.

1019
00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,543
His little booty hole
started talking to me.

1020
00:43:09,626 --> 00:43:11,543
[ Silly voice ]
Oh, shit, you in trouble now!

1021
00:43:11,626 --> 00:43:13,543
[ Normal voice ] And my boy
started crying, he said,

1022
00:43:13,626 --> 00:43:15,543
"You gonna spank me?
You just gonna spank me, Dad?

1023
00:43:15,626 --> 00:43:18,084
You gonna spank me?
I don't care, you can spank me!

1024
00:43:18,168 --> 00:43:19,418
I don't care!
You can spank me!"

1025
00:43:19,501 --> 00:43:20,959
I said,
"I ain't gonna spank you."

1026
00:43:21,043 --> 00:43:23,876
Said, "I'ma talk to you."
And I sat him down.

1027
00:43:23,959 --> 00:43:25,501
I said, "Let me tell you
something.

1028
00:43:25,584 --> 00:43:26,751
What you did yesterday..."

1029
00:43:26,834 --> 00:43:29,876
I said, "You hurt my feelings."

1030
00:43:29,959 --> 00:43:33,209
And my son started crying,
he said, "Oh, God, Dad.

1031
00:43:33,293 --> 00:43:35,751
Don't say that.

1032
00:43:35,834 --> 00:43:38,376
I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings, Dad."

1033
00:43:38,459 --> 00:43:40,043
I said, "You broke the trust."

1034
00:43:40,126 --> 00:43:42,459
He said, "Oh, God, no!

1035
00:43:42,543 --> 00:43:45,376
Say it ain't so!
Say it ain't so!

1036
00:43:45,459 --> 00:43:48,501
[ Sobs ] I didn't mean
to break the trust, Dad.

1037
00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:50,126
Not the trust!

1038
00:43:50,209 --> 00:43:51,918
What's trust?

1039
00:43:52,001 --> 00:43:53,584
How much is it?

1040
00:43:53,668 --> 00:43:56,168
Can Mom buy some more trust
on Amazon?"

1041
00:43:57,834 --> 00:44:00,251
I said, "You disappointed me."

1042
00:44:00,334 --> 00:44:03,209
He said,
"Oh, Dad, I didn't mean

1043
00:44:03,293 --> 00:44:06,918
[sobs] to ussapoint...you!"

1044
00:44:07,001 --> 00:44:10,084
And I said to myself, "Oh, shit.

1045
00:44:10,168 --> 00:44:13,459
White power words work!"

1046
00:44:13,543 --> 00:44:16,168
So I started hitting him with
all kind of White power words.

1047
00:44:16,251 --> 00:44:17,751
I said,
"Yes, and furthermore!"

1048
00:44:17,834 --> 00:44:19,626
"No, Dad, don't go no further!"

1049
00:44:19,709 --> 00:44:21,876
"I -- I -- I'm appalled."

1050
00:44:21,959 --> 00:44:23,418
No, Dad, don't call Paul!"

1051
00:44:23,501 --> 00:44:25,876
"And I'm exacerbated
by your action!"

1052
00:44:25,959 --> 00:44:29,251
"Oh, Dad, don't masturbate
on the actions!"

1053
00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:32,834
I said, "So why would you
listen to Tyrese over me?"

1054
00:44:32,918 --> 00:44:34,126
He said, "I don't know, Dad."

1055
00:44:34,209 --> 00:44:36,626
He said, "Shit,
'cause I was scared, Dad!

1056
00:44:36,709 --> 00:44:38,959
I was scared!"
I said, "Why? Of what?"

1057
00:44:39,043 --> 00:44:41,168
He says, "Of Tyrese."
I said, "Why?"

1058
00:44:41,251 --> 00:44:42,668
He said, "Dad,

1059
00:44:42,751 --> 00:44:46,334
he got a outie belly button!"

1060
00:44:46,418 --> 00:44:48,918
[ Laughter ]

1061
00:44:50,584 --> 00:44:52,334
And you know what's funny, man?

1062
00:44:52,418 --> 00:44:56,918
Is I wanna blame my kids
for our relationship,

1063
00:44:57,001 --> 00:45:00,126
but that would be wrong of me,
and that'd be immature.

1064
00:45:00,209 --> 00:45:02,334
As a man, I gotta blame myself.

1065
00:45:02,418 --> 00:45:04,001
I fucked up.

1066
00:45:04,084 --> 00:45:06,501
Somewhere along the line,
I fucked up.

1067
00:45:06,584 --> 00:45:08,876
And I've been trying to trace
my steps, like, "What did I do?

1068
00:45:08,959 --> 00:45:10,501
Did I spoil them?

1069
00:45:10,584 --> 00:45:12,918
I knew I shouldn't have never
told them niggas I had money.

1070
00:45:13,001 --> 00:45:14,876
I should have raised them
in the projects.

1071
00:45:14,959 --> 00:45:17,251
They need more government cheese
in their life."

1072
00:45:17,334 --> 00:45:19,168
[ Chuckles ]

1073
00:45:19,251 --> 00:45:22,751
Or was it because I got caught
cheating on their mother

1074
00:45:22,834 --> 00:45:25,751
on a boat in St. Bart's?

1075
00:45:25,834 --> 00:45:29,376
I don't think that's it.
I think it was...

1076
00:45:29,459 --> 00:45:32,501
spoiling them,
I definitely think.

1077
00:45:32,584 --> 00:45:34,918
I fucked up, man.
I did.

1078
00:45:35,001 --> 00:45:37,959
And I'll tell y'all a story.
Fuck it, you know?

1079
00:45:38,043 --> 00:45:40,793
What had happened was...
[ Laughs ]

1080
00:45:40,876 --> 00:45:42,626
That's how you know it was bad,
when you,

1081
00:45:42,709 --> 00:45:43,959
"Well, what had happened was..."

1082
00:45:44,043 --> 00:45:46,126
Alright, uh, shit.

1083
00:45:46,209 --> 00:45:47,543
Alright. Real talk.

1084
00:45:47,626 --> 00:45:49,334
Alright, so years back,

1085
00:45:49,418 --> 00:45:51,209
I did a movie called
"A Haunted House."

1086
00:45:51,293 --> 00:45:53,876
And, yeah, it was
really successful.

1087
00:45:53,959 --> 00:45:56,043
Like this shit, I made it
for a million dollars.

1088
00:45:56,126 --> 00:45:58,001
It made like $100 million
dollars worldwide.

1089
00:45:58,084 --> 00:46:00,126
I made so much money,
I felt like Jay-Z.

1090
00:46:00,209 --> 00:46:02,751
I was like, "Yo,
I'm going somewhere hot

1091
00:46:02,834 --> 00:46:05,751
where there's no mosquitos!
Yeah!"

1092
00:46:05,834 --> 00:46:07,709
I was like, "Yo, I'm going
to St. Bart's.

1093
00:46:07,793 --> 00:46:10,168
I'ma rent a yacht!"
But see, Jay-Z is so smart,

1094
00:46:10,251 --> 00:46:12,293
I see why this nigga's
a billionaire.

1095
00:46:12,376 --> 00:46:17,418
'Cause Jay-Z, he brings
Beyoncé and them babies

1096
00:46:17,501 --> 00:46:19,418
to St. Bart's with him.

1097
00:46:19,501 --> 00:46:21,126
Yeah, see, me, I fucked up.

1098
00:46:21,209 --> 00:46:22,959
I brought a nigga named Steve.

1099
00:46:23,043 --> 00:46:24,251
I'm out in St. Bart's, right?

1100
00:46:24,334 --> 00:46:25,834
And I'm in the middle
of the ocean.

1101
00:46:25,918 --> 00:46:27,543
I don't even know how paparazzi
got my picture.

1102
00:46:27,626 --> 00:46:29,334
We was in the middle
of the fucking ocean

1103
00:46:29,418 --> 00:46:30,543
with some girls on the boat.

1104
00:46:30,626 --> 00:46:32,584
And I swear,
paparazzi is sneaky.

1105
00:46:32,668 --> 00:46:35,251
I was like,
"Where the fuck were they?"

1106
00:46:35,334 --> 00:46:37,293
Were they in a fucking
dolphin,

1107
00:46:37,376 --> 00:46:38,959
just...[ Imitating dolphin ]

1108
00:46:39,043 --> 00:46:41,251
[ Imitating
camera shutter clicking ]

1109
00:46:41,334 --> 00:46:42,751
I didn't know where they was!

1110
00:46:42,834 --> 00:46:45,043
And so, I didn't know
until I got back to my hotel.

1111
00:46:45,126 --> 00:46:47,418
I get back to my hotel,
I'm feeling myself,

1112
00:46:47,501 --> 00:46:50,084
got my shirt off,
got the Coppertone tan.

1113
00:46:50,168 --> 00:46:51,501
I'm like, "Yeah,
we did that, Steve!

1114
00:46:51,584 --> 00:46:52,751
Yeah, we did that."

1115
00:46:52,834 --> 00:46:54,168
And then my phone buzzed.

1116
00:46:54,251 --> 00:46:56,918
[ Makes buzzing sound ]

1117
00:46:57,001 --> 00:46:59,209
What the fuck is that?

1118
00:46:59,293 --> 00:47:01,334
So I picked up the phone,

1119
00:47:01,418 --> 00:47:02,793
and see,
I put Google alerts on myself,

1120
00:47:02,876 --> 00:47:04,584
'cause as y'all see
from this set,

1121
00:47:04,668 --> 00:47:05,834
I say a lot of stupid shit,

1122
00:47:05,918 --> 00:47:07,418
so I need to know
the stupid shit I say,

1123
00:47:07,501 --> 00:47:08,709
so I can call my publicist,

1124
00:47:08,793 --> 00:47:10,418
so she can put the stupid shit
I say,

1125
00:47:10,501 --> 00:47:12,834
and say it was a lie,
when it probably was the truth.

1126
00:47:12,918 --> 00:47:14,584
[ Laughs ]

1127
00:47:14,668 --> 00:47:16,168
I pick it up.

1128
00:47:16,251 --> 00:47:18,043
"Paris Mail."

1129
00:47:18,126 --> 00:47:19,626
[ French accent ]
"Marlon Wayans caught

1130
00:47:19,709 --> 00:47:22,168
on the boat kissing
the beautiful mademoiselle,

1131
00:47:22,251 --> 00:47:26,459
or was this a mistress
in St. Bart's?

1132
00:47:26,543 --> 00:47:29,043
Uh-oh!"

1133
00:47:29,126 --> 00:47:30,626
[ Normal voice ]
I put that phone down.

1134
00:47:30,709 --> 00:47:32,584
I was like, "Oh, fuck! Fuck!"
I was like, "Shit!"

1135
00:47:32,668 --> 00:47:35,168
I was like, "Okay, Angie
don't know shit about France.

1136
00:47:35,251 --> 00:47:37,293
Okay, she don't know shit
about French at all.

1137
00:47:37,376 --> 00:47:39,959
She calls Gucci 'Gucky.'
She don't know shit!

1138
00:47:40,043 --> 00:47:43,876
She still think I bought her
a 'Channel' bag for Christmas.

1139
00:47:43,959 --> 00:47:45,209
Alright, so maybe I'll go

1140
00:47:45,293 --> 00:47:47,001
by the Louis 'Vootton' store
and buy her a bag

1141
00:47:47,084 --> 00:47:49,793
just in case she does find out."

1142
00:47:49,876 --> 00:47:51,293
But I was like,
"Alright, relax, relax.

1143
00:47:51,376 --> 00:47:53,126
She don't know no publications
out the country.

1144
00:47:53,209 --> 00:47:54,418
That's some White shit."

1145
00:47:54,501 --> 00:47:55,668
So I put my phone down.

1146
00:47:55,751 --> 00:47:56,793
Motherfucker buzzed again.

1147
00:47:56,876 --> 00:48:00,418
[ Makes buzzing noise ]

1148
00:48:00,501 --> 00:48:02,126
I pick it up.

1149
00:48:02,209 --> 00:48:03,834
Nigga.

1150
00:48:03,918 --> 00:48:05,501
"Bossip."

1151
00:48:05,584 --> 00:48:06,918
"Media Take Out."

1152
00:48:07,001 --> 00:48:08,168
"Shade Room."

1153
00:48:08,251 --> 00:48:09,709
"Essence" magazine.

1154
00:48:09,793 --> 00:48:11,251
"Ebony" magazine.

1155
00:48:11,334 --> 00:48:13,543
Everybody had the same title.

1156
00:48:13,626 --> 00:48:17,709
"Marlon Wayans caught on boat
in St. Bart's,

1157
00:48:17,793 --> 00:48:23,168
cheating on his children's
mother with a White bitch!"

1158
00:48:23,251 --> 00:48:26,001
[ Chuckles ] And I don't know
if y'all know Black culture,

1159
00:48:26,084 --> 00:48:28,209
but look, it's one thing
to fuck a-- fuck around,

1160
00:48:28,293 --> 00:48:29,834
but you fuck around
with White girls,

1161
00:48:29,918 --> 00:48:31,626
sisters don't like
that shit too much.

1162
00:48:31,709 --> 00:48:33,126
That's why we be lying.

1163
00:48:33,209 --> 00:48:35,168
Niggas be like, "Oh, she
wasn't -- she wasn't White.

1164
00:48:35,251 --> 00:48:37,501
She was mixed.

1165
00:48:37,584 --> 00:48:40,501
Yeah, she was Swedish
and Irish and German,

1166
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:43,626
but she wasn't White,
you know what I mean?"

1167
00:48:43,709 --> 00:48:45,459
And sisters, you should have
seen the articles.

1168
00:48:45,543 --> 00:48:47,043
They was lighting me up.
They was like,

1169
00:48:47,126 --> 00:48:48,751
"I can't believe
this funny-looking nigga

1170
00:48:48,834 --> 00:48:50,376
had the nerve to cheat.

1171
00:48:50,459 --> 00:48:52,918
I could see if it was Shawn,
but not this bird-looking nigga.

1172
00:48:53,001 --> 00:48:56,334
He look like a ostrich
that fell in some fucking oil.

1173
00:48:56,418 --> 00:48:59,459
I can see if it was Damon,
at least he's funny.

1174
00:48:59,543 --> 00:49:01,293
I wanna sit on his
smushed-up face.

1175
00:49:01,376 --> 00:49:04,376
But Marlon?
He got some fucking nerve.

1176
00:49:04,459 --> 00:49:06,709
Him and Nick Cannon
need to go crawl

1177
00:49:06,793 --> 00:49:08,459
under the same rock and die."

1178
00:49:08,543 --> 00:49:10,334
I was like, "Oh, shit!"

1179
00:49:10,418 --> 00:49:12,209
They're like,
"I can't believe he got caught

1180
00:49:12,293 --> 00:49:14,084
cheating with a White bitch,"
and I'm like,

1181
00:49:14,168 --> 00:49:15,543
"Okay, sisters,
if she was Black,

1182
00:49:15,626 --> 00:49:17,168
would y'all
be happier about that?"

1183
00:49:17,251 --> 00:49:19,334
Like you pick up the thing
and you see,

1184
00:49:19,418 --> 00:49:20,626
"Oh, my God, I can't believe

1185
00:49:20,709 --> 00:49:22,418
Marlon Wayans got caught
cheating.

1186
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:25,751
[ Gasps ] With a Black bitch!

1187
00:49:25,834 --> 00:49:27,751
That's why I fucks with Marlon.

1188
00:49:27,834 --> 00:49:29,584
I always like Marlon the best!

1189
00:49:29,668 --> 00:49:31,751
I did.
He got big dick swag."

1190
00:49:31,834 --> 00:49:34,876
And so now,
I start getting the phone calls.

1191
00:49:34,959 --> 00:49:36,918
Paparazzi took so many pictures
of me,

1192
00:49:37,001 --> 00:49:39,959
my brothers find out shit
about me they didn't know I did.

1193
00:49:40,043 --> 00:49:42,168
Phone rings. Keenen.

1194
00:49:42,251 --> 00:49:44,126
[ As Keenen ]
"Now, what's up, little boy?

1195
00:49:44,209 --> 00:49:45,501
How you doing?

1196
00:49:45,584 --> 00:49:48,459
Mm, looks like
you're having a bad day.

1197
00:49:48,543 --> 00:49:52,376
And when did you learn
how to scuba dive?"

1198
00:49:52,459 --> 00:49:54,084
[ Normal voice ]
Hang up on him. Shawn.

1199
00:49:54,168 --> 00:49:56,293
[ As Shawn ] "Hey, stupid!
What are you doing, stupid?

1200
00:49:56,376 --> 00:49:58,084
What are you doing
in the fucking ocean?

1201
00:49:58,168 --> 00:49:59,584
You fucking drowned in a bathtub

1202
00:49:59,668 --> 00:50:01,626
when we was fucking 8 years old,
you fucking stupid.

1203
00:50:01,709 --> 00:50:03,084
When did you learn
how to Jet Ski?

1204
00:50:03,168 --> 00:50:04,709
You crashed your fucking
Big Wheel three times.

1205
00:50:04,793 --> 00:50:06,168
Why would you get a fucking
Jet Ski, stupid?"

1206
00:50:06,251 --> 00:50:08,126
[ Normal voice ]
He hangs up the phone. Damon.

1207
00:50:08,209 --> 00:50:10,168
[ As Damon ] "Hey, ugly,
how you doing?

1208
00:50:10,251 --> 00:50:12,626
Mm.

1209
00:50:12,709 --> 00:50:16,126
I'm doing better than you,
that's for sure.

1210
00:50:16,209 --> 00:50:17,793
Hey, let me ask you something.

1211
00:50:17,876 --> 00:50:19,501
When did you learn
how to snorkel?

1212
00:50:19,584 --> 00:50:21,168
Mm-mm-mm."

1213
00:50:21,251 --> 00:50:23,168
[ Normal voice ]
So then my children's mother.

1214
00:50:23,251 --> 00:50:24,959
[ As Angie's ]
"You stupid motherfucker.

1215
00:50:25,043 --> 00:50:26,793
I can't believe
you got caught cheating!

1216
00:50:26,876 --> 00:50:28,376
Can't you be more discreet?"

1217
00:50:28,459 --> 00:50:29,793
[ Normal voice ]
I said, "Baby,

1218
00:50:29,876 --> 00:50:33,126
I was in the middle
of the Atlantic Ocean,

1219
00:50:33,209 --> 00:50:34,584
8,500 miles away.

1220
00:50:34,668 --> 00:50:37,126
You gotta know the latitude
and longitude of my dick

1221
00:50:37,209 --> 00:50:38,293
to catch me."

1222
00:50:38,376 --> 00:50:40,334
"Well, they caught
your stupid ass.

1223
00:50:40,418 --> 00:50:42,126
And look at you
looking all stupid."

1224
00:50:42,209 --> 00:50:43,543
Women are funny.

1225
00:50:43,626 --> 00:50:45,834
'Cause it wasn't the kiss
that she was mad about.

1226
00:50:45,918 --> 00:50:47,334
She found the little shit.

1227
00:50:47,418 --> 00:50:49,168
I said, "I know, I can't believe
I was sitting there

1228
00:50:49,251 --> 00:50:51,168
kissing that girl, I'm so --
I know it's so embarrassing."

1229
00:50:51,251 --> 00:50:53,251
She said, "I don't give a fuck
about that little, pasty,

1230
00:50:53,334 --> 00:50:55,376
little bitch with her little,
thin-ass bologna lips,

1231
00:50:55,459 --> 00:50:57,001
that scraggly-looking bitch.

1232
00:50:57,084 --> 00:50:59,251
Look at your stupid foot.
Look at your stupid little foot.

1233
00:50:59,334 --> 00:51:01,543
Look at that shit
all pigeon-toed,

1234
00:51:01,626 --> 00:51:04,334
bird foot motherfucker,
looking like a old son --

1235
00:51:04,418 --> 00:51:06,584
a fucking parrot
twisted his ankle.

1236
00:51:06,668 --> 00:51:08,709
Look how stupid your fucking
foot look up in the air,

1237
00:51:08,793 --> 00:51:10,126
looking all stupid."

1238
00:51:10,209 --> 00:51:11,876
[ Chuckles ]

1239
00:51:11,959 --> 00:51:14,543
She had me looking like,
"Oh, shit, I am pigeon-toed.

1240
00:51:14,626 --> 00:51:15,918
Ain't that a bitch."

1241
00:51:16,001 --> 00:51:17,501
And she goes, "I can't believe
you got caught

1242
00:51:17,584 --> 00:51:19,418
cheating with a White bitch!"

1243
00:51:19,501 --> 00:51:22,501
I said, "Ang, she wasn't White.
She was mixed.

1244
00:51:22,584 --> 00:51:24,959
She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

1245
00:51:25,043 --> 00:51:27,501
and -- and I think she might
have had been a little bit Nazi,

1246
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:29,543
but she wasn't White,
like, you're tripping."

1247
00:51:29,626 --> 00:51:31,043
She hangs up the phone.

1248
00:51:31,126 --> 00:51:33,834
Then my buddy Steve,
he comes to the rescue.

1249
00:51:33,918 --> 00:51:36,501
[ As Steve ]
"Marlon, listen.

1250
00:51:36,584 --> 00:51:39,584
[ Scoffs ]
All she got was pictures.

1251
00:51:39,668 --> 00:51:43,418
Pictures are worth
a thousand words.

1252
00:51:43,501 --> 00:51:45,668
All you have to do
is corroborate a story.

1253
00:51:45,751 --> 00:51:48,043
We don't know what happened
in that picture.

1254
00:51:48,126 --> 00:51:50,334
So here's the story
we're gonna tell.

1255
00:51:50,418 --> 00:51:51,709
We went in the middle
of the ocean,

1256
00:51:51,793 --> 00:51:54,126
and -- and -- and we went
in a yacht,

1257
00:51:54,209 --> 00:51:55,918
and we saw some mermaids."

1258
00:51:57,459 --> 00:51:59,293
"And the mermaids was drowning.

1259
00:51:59,376 --> 00:52:01,043
Bloop-bloop-bloop.
Bloop-bloop-bloop.

1260
00:52:01,126 --> 00:52:03,793
And you, being the good
Samaritan that you are,

1261
00:52:03,876 --> 00:52:06,084
you jumped overboard,
being a hero.

1262
00:52:06,168 --> 00:52:07,959
You grabbed the mermaid
to safety,

1263
00:52:08,043 --> 00:52:09,418
and you brought her on board.

1264
00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:12,584
And you wasn't kissing her!
No. No, no, no.

1265
00:52:12,668 --> 00:52:16,418
You was giving her
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."

1266
00:52:18,334 --> 00:52:20,251
[ Normal voice ] I said, "Nigga,
if you don't get the fuck away

1267
00:52:20,334 --> 00:52:21,501
from me, I swear to God,

1268
00:52:21,584 --> 00:52:23,501
I will wrap this anchor
around your neck

1269
00:52:23,584 --> 00:52:26,001
and put you in the bottom
of this fucking ocean,

1270
00:52:26,084 --> 00:52:27,751
so help me God."

1271
00:52:27,834 --> 00:52:31,876
So now, I gotta go home,
and I gotta face the music.

1272
00:52:31,959 --> 00:52:36,251
And see, that day was
the worst day of my life.

1273
00:52:36,334 --> 00:52:39,251
That's some shit that I'm
gonna regret till my dying day.

1274
00:52:39,334 --> 00:52:40,418
I'm gonna be in the coffin.

1275
00:52:40,501 --> 00:52:41,751
They gonna close the lid,
I'm like,

1276
00:52:41,834 --> 00:52:44,751
"I'm sorry about the boat!"

1277
00:52:44,834 --> 00:52:48,043
Because it's one thing to break
your woman's heart.

1278
00:52:48,126 --> 00:52:51,751
It's another thing
to break your kid's heart.

1279
00:52:51,834 --> 00:52:53,376
And I remember,
I went to her house.

1280
00:52:53,459 --> 00:52:56,209
I stop at my house,
and I grab my Bible.

1281
00:52:56,293 --> 00:52:59,959
Yeah, 'cause it's really hard
to throw hot grits

1282
00:53:00,043 --> 00:53:01,959
on a nigga holding a Bible.

1283
00:53:02,043 --> 00:53:05,043
And I walk up to the door,
and I knock on the door.

1284
00:53:05,126 --> 00:53:08,376
And she sees me
holding the Bible, I said,

1285
00:53:08,459 --> 00:53:10,168
"Bible study, my sister."

1286
00:53:10,251 --> 00:53:13,751
And she starts to laugh,
because, you know, I...

1287
00:53:13,834 --> 00:53:15,751
That's the thing
that she fell in love with.

1288
00:53:15,834 --> 00:53:17,459
The fact that I have humor.

1289
00:53:17,543 --> 00:53:19,793
I ain't cute,
so it's definitely the humor.

1290
00:53:19,876 --> 00:53:21,584
And she was like,
"Don't make me laugh.

1291
00:53:21,668 --> 00:53:23,668
Don't -- I fucking hate you.
Don't make me --

1292
00:53:23,751 --> 00:53:24,959
Is that really a Bibl--

1293
00:53:25,043 --> 00:53:26,293
Fuck it, I hate you.

1294
00:53:26,376 --> 00:53:28,001
Don't make me laugh!"
And she hit me.

1295
00:53:28,084 --> 00:53:30,709
I said, "Um, sister, it says
'Thou shalt not kill.'"

1296
00:53:30,793 --> 00:53:33,126
And she said,
"Yeah, and it also says,

1297
00:53:33,209 --> 00:53:36,168
'Thou shalt not fuck
White bitches in St. Bart's.'"

1298
00:53:36,251 --> 00:53:38,668
I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed."

1299
00:53:38,751 --> 00:53:40,043
[ Laughs ]

1300
00:53:40,126 --> 00:53:41,626
And she's like,
"Get your ass in there."

1301
00:53:41,709 --> 00:53:43,126
And then [chuckles]
she goes, "Go ahead.

1302
00:53:43,209 --> 00:53:44,751
Talk to your kids."

1303
00:53:44,834 --> 00:53:46,334
I said, "Talk to the kids?"
"Yeah, tell them what you did."

1304
00:53:46,418 --> 00:53:47,918
"Tell them what you did?"
Fuck it.

1305
00:53:48,001 --> 00:53:50,001
You got a page out the book
"The Mack"? What the fuck?

1306
00:53:50,084 --> 00:53:53,043
Stick yourself, Tony.
Stick yourself.

1307
00:53:53,126 --> 00:53:54,543
So she said, "No, talk to them."

1308
00:53:54,626 --> 00:53:56,376
I look at the table, and my kids
are sitting at the table.

1309
00:53:56,459 --> 00:53:59,126
My son, he looked like --
He's so sad,

1310
00:53:59,209 --> 00:54:01,668
he looks like
his pet turtle died.

1311
00:54:01,751 --> 00:54:04,251
And my daughter, she's sitting
there holding

1312
00:54:04,334 --> 00:54:06,668
her little naked dollies,
just [humming]

1313
00:54:06,751 --> 00:54:08,459
I said,
"Hey, kids, how you doing?

1314
00:54:08,543 --> 00:54:12,418
Um, remember when Daddy
said he wasn't perfect?

1315
00:54:12,501 --> 00:54:14,543
Well, there's something
on the Internet

1316
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:16,876
that proves that theory,
so whatever you do,

1317
00:54:16,959 --> 00:54:18,126
don't Google my name."

1318
00:54:18,209 --> 00:54:19,626
My daughter said,
"Too late, Dad. Hmm.

1319
00:54:19,709 --> 00:54:21,751
Can't believe you got
caught cheating on Mom.

1320
00:54:21,834 --> 00:54:23,709
[ Chuckles ]
With a White bitch."

1321
00:54:23,793 --> 00:54:25,959
I said, "She wasn't White.
She was mixed!

1322
00:54:26,043 --> 00:54:27,793
She was Swedish and Irish
and German,

1323
00:54:27,876 --> 00:54:29,709
and a little bit Aryan,
but I don't --

1324
00:54:29,793 --> 00:54:31,084
I don't think she was White."

1325
00:54:31,168 --> 00:54:32,918
And she goes, "Don't worry, Dad.
I accept you."

1326
00:54:33,001 --> 00:54:34,418
I said, "You do?"
I said, "You forgive me?"

1327
00:54:34,501 --> 00:54:36,709
She goes, "Yeah, I forgive you.
And I accept you.

1328
00:54:36,793 --> 00:54:39,126
But, you know, there's
gonna be some things

1329
00:54:39,209 --> 00:54:41,709
you're gonna have to accept
about me, too,

1330
00:54:41,793 --> 00:54:43,001
later on in life."

1331
00:54:43,084 --> 00:54:45,043
And she took her two
little white dollies

1332
00:54:45,126 --> 00:54:46,751
and put they pussies together.

1333
00:54:46,834 --> 00:54:48,793
And I was like, "Okay."

1334
00:54:48,876 --> 00:54:49,918
And so, I said to my son,

1335
00:54:50,001 --> 00:54:51,334
I said,
"Son, do you forgive me?"

1336
00:54:51,418 --> 00:54:54,709
He said,
"Yeah, I forgive you, Dad.

1337
00:54:54,793 --> 00:54:57,334
But I'm really ussapointed.

1338
00:54:57,418 --> 00:55:01,584
And furthermore, I think
you should call Paul.

1339
00:55:01,668 --> 00:55:04,626
And I need you to really
masturbate on your actions,

1340
00:55:04,709 --> 00:55:06,293
'cause sh..."

1341
00:55:06,376 --> 00:55:08,584
And I said, "I think I know
what you mean. I'm sorry."

1342
00:55:08,668 --> 00:55:10,084
I said, "I love you,
and I'ma make it up to you guys.

1343
00:55:10,168 --> 00:55:11,251
I promise.

1344
00:55:11,334 --> 00:55:12,876
If I gotta spend
the rest of my life

1345
00:55:12,959 --> 00:55:15,126
making it up to you, I will.

1346
00:55:15,209 --> 00:55:16,418
And I love you."

1347
00:55:16,501 --> 00:55:18,584
And I gave them both kisses.
[ Smooches ]

1348
00:55:18,668 --> 00:55:20,959
And they said, "Okay."

1349
00:55:21,043 --> 00:55:24,293
And I went to walk off,
and I was like, "Oh, thank God."

1350
00:55:24,376 --> 00:55:26,209
And my son said, "Hey, Dad?"
I said, "Huh?"

1351
00:55:26,293 --> 00:55:28,084
Said, "I got a few
more questions."

1352
00:55:28,168 --> 00:55:29,418
I said, "You do?

1353
00:55:29,501 --> 00:55:31,584
Okay, shoot, Tiger, what --
what you got?

1354
00:55:31,668 --> 00:55:33,084
You wanna know the weather
in St. Bart's?

1355
00:55:33,168 --> 00:55:35,918
It's hot, humid, you know,
no mosquitos. It's cool."

1356
00:55:36,001 --> 00:55:37,293
He said, "Mnh-mnh."

1357
00:55:37,376 --> 00:55:39,751
He said, "How many girls
was on the boat?

1358
00:55:39,834 --> 00:55:41,793
Where did you meet these girls?

1359
00:55:41,876 --> 00:55:43,793
How did they get there?

1360
00:55:43,876 --> 00:55:45,793
Did you know them all?

1361
00:55:45,876 --> 00:55:48,293
That one you was kissing,
how do you know her?

1362
00:55:48,376 --> 00:55:49,793
Where do you know her from?

1363
00:55:49,876 --> 00:55:51,376
Did you fly her in?

1364
00:55:51,459 --> 00:55:52,834
Did she fly first class?

1365
00:55:52,918 --> 00:55:55,793
Did she fly coach?
Or was she Delta Comfort?

1366
00:55:55,876 --> 00:55:57,376
What's this girl's Instagram?

1367
00:55:57,459 --> 00:55:59,709
What's her number?
Do you love her?"

1368
00:55:59,793 --> 00:56:01,001
I said, "Hey, nigga,

1369
00:56:01,084 --> 00:56:02,793
where you get these
fucking questions from?"

1370
00:56:02,876 --> 00:56:04,668
And I look over at his mother,

1371
00:56:04,751 --> 00:56:06,959
who got a whole list
of questions,

1372
00:56:07,043 --> 00:56:08,584
and she's checking them off.

1373
00:56:08,668 --> 00:56:10,918
"Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

1374
00:56:11,001 --> 00:56:13,876
And don't forget to ask
if he wore a condom."

1375
00:56:13,959 --> 00:56:15,334
I said,
"You wanna know the truth?

1376
00:56:15,418 --> 00:56:16,709
Fuck it.
You wanna know the truth?

1377
00:56:16,793 --> 00:56:18,501
I'ma tell you the fucking truth.
Here's the truth.

1378
00:56:18,584 --> 00:56:22,001
The movie was very successful.
I made a lot of fucking money,

1379
00:56:22,084 --> 00:56:25,376
and I wanted to go somewhere hot
where there was no mosquitos,

1380
00:56:25,459 --> 00:56:26,834
so I went to St. Bart's.

1381
00:56:26,918 --> 00:56:28,668
And me and my boy rented a boat,

1382
00:56:28,751 --> 00:56:32,459
and we went out
to the middle of the ocean.

1383
00:56:32,543 --> 00:56:36,834
And we saw some mermaids...

1384
00:56:36,918 --> 00:56:38,709
and they were drowning."

1385
00:56:38,793 --> 00:56:39,918
[ Laughs ]

1386
00:56:40,001 --> 00:56:41,543
No, but re--
[chuckles] real talk?

1387
00:56:41,626 --> 00:56:44,459
You know, you gotta understand,
fame is hard, man.

1388
00:56:44,543 --> 00:56:46,959
I've been doing this shit
for 30 years.

1389
00:56:47,043 --> 00:56:50,626
And temptation
is fucking real, man.

1390
00:56:50,709 --> 00:56:54,043
Like, I could say "No"
to a thousand girls.

1391
00:56:54,126 --> 00:56:56,668
But, man, a thousand and one,

1392
00:56:56,751 --> 00:56:59,043
sometimes they come
with a thousand and two.

1393
00:56:59,126 --> 00:57:02,751
And then they bring a thousand
and three and four and...

1394
00:57:05,126 --> 00:57:08,543
[ Deep voice ]
You know what it is.

1395
00:57:08,626 --> 00:57:10,418
[ Normal voice ]
I love y'all, I thank y'all.

1396
00:57:10,501 --> 00:57:11,459
Good night!

1397
00:57:11,543 --> 00:57:14,043
[ Cheers and applause ]

1398
00:57:14,126 --> 00:57:23,084
♪♪

1399
00:57:23,168 --> 00:57:32,168
♪♪

1400
00:57:32,251 --> 00:57:41,209
♪♪

1401
00:57:41,293 --> 00:57:50,293
♪♪

1402
00:57:50,376 --> 00:57:59,376
♪♪

1403
00:57:59,459 --> 00:58:08,501
♪♪