-[ Alarm beeping ] -[ Gasps ]
What time is it?
T-minus nine hours to Toni's wedding.
Time to get started.
Just a few people in the back garden though, isn't it?
[ Scoffs ]
[ "Blue Danube" playing ]
♪♪♪♪
[ Grunts ]
♪♪♪♪
Mum, what's for breakfast?
[ Theme song playing ]
♪♪ Give me strength ♪♪
♪♪ Give me love ♪♪
♪♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪
You all right, Batman?
I'm not having tired eyes on my wedding day.
Er, where are the chairs?
From Jill at 43.
She said she's got a foldup one, too, if you want it.
Good lad. Keep 'em coming.
Sally at 46 now. Mind her Jack Russell.
They're not gonna match.
When I agreed to host, what did we agree, Craig?
I'm on logistics.
I'm on vibes.
Both: And Toni's doing nothing.
So don't step to me about my chairs.
I won't step to you about that centrepiece.
Me and Mum spent a whole afternoon on this.
A whole afternoon?
Yeah, we went foraging in a wildflower meadow.
They're cornflowers to match Toni's eyes.
Bloody hell. That looks amazing.
See, what did I tell ya?
Are those cornflowers?
Dane.
Don't stain the tablecloths. I'm returning them after.
Dane: Right you are, love.
♪♪ Give me strength ♪♪
I wanna look like a 21st century Julia Roberts.
I'm trying, Auntie Toni.
I based my speech on her monologue in Erin Brockovich.
You're doing a speech? That's well feminist.
Good for you.
Yeah, my final starring role
before this one upstages me next week.
What you gonna call him?
Oh, you know how blokes
always name their sons after themselves.
Are you gonna call him Craig?
No, Toni, with a "y."
Aw, hello, my little flower girl.
You ready to throw some petals?
Granny said it's just a pretend wedding, today.
Oh, thank you, Gloria.
-Is it pretend? -No.
Well, tomorrow we're gonna sign some papers,
but today is the bit that matters 'cause you're here.
I found this in the Rice Krispies.
Toni: Hmm, what's this?
Oh, that's just a silly letter.
You go get your petals.
"Notice of eviction?"
Yeah, it's the landlord doing a power play.
He's all mouth, no trousers.
Auntie Toni, it looks serious.
Yeah, why do you think I hid it in the Rice Krispies?
Craig just worries about these things.
There, sorted. Ooh.
Baby kicking.
As this is a no-cost wedding,
I'm here in lieu of a Rolls-Royce
to escort you, beautiful lady, to the venue.
You look amazing, Gran.
Hey, less of the grandma.
And if any fellas ask, I'm your sister.
When you're ready.
♪♪♪♪
How are those lights coming on, Dane?
Looking ace, mate.
Impactful.
Are you sure you don't need any help?
No, vibes are in hand, thank you, Paula.
Just finishing twining me ivy.
Incoming! Craig, close your eyes!
Bad luck to see the bride, in't it?
Oh, I don't believe in bad luck.
He's been waiting for this his whole life.
Drink it in, Craig.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Gasps ] Toni!
Get inside! Quick.
The bedroom's all set up for you.
Nobody move until I've sorted that glass.
Someone's not an happy camper.
Yeah, she's been a bit busy
warming a few sausage rolls and whatnot.
Peggy Babcock. Peggy Babcock. Pebby Gab...
Peggy Babcock. Pebby.
Peggy Babcock. Peggy Babcock...
You speaking in tongues?
No, I'm doing my vocal warm-up.
How warm do you have to be to say "I do"?
No, for my speech!
Based it on Julia Roberts' monologue in Erin Brockovich.
You know, when she takes the water company down.
I've always wanted to perform that in front of an audience.
Isn't that about people's spines deteriorating?
Oh, yeah, but I've adapted it
to make it about love and stuff.
-Oh. -Anyway, nice of you to show up.
Where have you been for the last two weeks?
Oh, just with Pickles.
Oh, warmed up to the most miserable man
in Yorkshire, have you?
He's actually really thoughtful.
People just think it means he's miserable.
Where is he?
Oh, he's taking a walk through a graveyard.
He says weddings make him think about the transience of life.
Never knew blokes could be interesting.
What about Craig?
Craig's hobby's polishing shoes.
Oh, well, you don't complain when he's polishing yours.
Right, I've got most of it,
but I'm not having you going out there barefoot.
Paula, that is what boho is.
-Bare feet. -Well, boo-hoo.
That AstroTurf's on hire.
I'm not having you severing an artery on it.
Now wear these.
They're brand new, those. Real shearling.
-So don't stain them. -My God.
I don't know what she's so stressed about.
It's my wedding day.
She's only hosting.
Can't imagine, Toni.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪♪♪
Is this the Blair-Callaghan wedding?
That's us.
I'm Jason Pickles. With Rana?
-[ Gasps ] -I'm Dane.
Rana's told us loads about you.
I never normally get to meet her fellas.
How come?
Oh, there's just so many of them.
And they come and go so fast.
No, forget that.
Aw, what you got there?
Oh, it's a bit of light reading.
Shakespeare's Love Sonnets.
Right.
Rana said you're a big reader.
You read anything by Peter Kay?
No.
Well, you should.
-I will. -Yeah.
Oh, thanks for helping, Lisa.
Anything for you, Craig.
If Toni doesn't show up, you know where I am.
[ Chuckles ]
What's this?
Oh, I put out PTA SOS, and Lisa came up trumps.
What's wrong with these chairs?
They're mismatched.
It's a boho wedding.
What do you think boho means?
Like wicker and twine and wildflowers.
No, no. It means really bloody cheap.
This is a budgetless wedding, Craig.
Actually, Bohemianism was a 19th century
artistic movement...
It's not important.
It's just a little tweak, Paula, I didn't think you'd mind.
I don't mind.
I don't mind at all.
No, chill, that's me.
[ Yells ] At the end of the day,
they're just fucking chairs, aren't they?
[ Whispers ] I'll go.
[ Grunts ]
-Paula? -Wait till nicotine's kicked in.
Okay, you can speak now.
What is it? Tablecloths wrong colour?
Egg salad not to your taste?
Nah, it's great, Paula. Honestly.
You're doing an amazing job.
Except on chairs, apparently.
I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn--
No, you shouldn't.
I've worked my ass off for you two.
I know.
I just wanted today to be perfect, like Toni.
[ Laughs ]
Toni? Perfect?
She cupped a buttock.
She ruined a gender reveal.
She's inside rehearsing an Erin Brockovich monologue.
Oh, God love you, Craig.
I just want her to have the wedding she deserves.
She will, mate.
-I'll take the chairs back. -Nah, you're all right.
I'm pretty sure Sue's slat back's got dry rot.
Having second thoughts, love?
Because Sarah from church has been asking after you.
No, no, no second thoughts, Mum.
Just having a little joke. [ Laughs ]
I'm on my best behaviour today.
Oh, I got you something, young Craig.
Ah...
Buttonhole.
I lathed it for you.
Thanks, mate.
-Hmm. -T-minus one hour.
Time to get suited and booted, Craig.
Let's get this show on the road!
♪♪♪♪
[ Mouthing ]
♪♪♪♪
[ "Wedding March" playing ]
♪♪♪♪
Of course, the true Bohemians eschewed permanent ties.
My kind of people.
♪♪♪♪
Borrowed and blue.
♪♪♪♪
It's just like in my wedding book.
I feel a bit bloated.
-Nah, doesn't show. -[ Chuckles ]
Friends, family,
we are gathered to celebrate the love of Toni and--
Craig!
Too late, Shar! I'm marrying him.
There's bailiffs at your place taking your stuff.
-[ All exclaim ] -What?
But we're up to date on rent!
Oh, this is outrageous.
Don't worry, I'll sort it.
They can't do this without eviction notice.
Auntie Toni, you'll have to tell him.
Tell me what, Tone?
Mummy hid a letter in the Rice Krispies.
Thanks, and I didn't hide it, I filed it.
In the Rice Krispies?
Well, it doesn't matter now anyway,
'cause I think we've got bigger things to worry about.
What can possibly be bigger than this?
I think my water's just broke.
[ Paula ] Oh, for goodness sake!
What is happening, Craig?
You're nine months gone, you're cramping,
and your water's have just broke.
-I think you're in labor, mate. -No! I can't be!
He's not due till next week!
Blair boys always come early.
Craig caught me unawares in Debenhams.
I did say when I got my wedding e-vite--
Well, he can't be here yet, Gloria,
'cause I've not even done my speech yet.
I need to give the people what they want.
Look, they're not here to see you giving birth, Tone.
Let's just go. Come on.
They're taking your sofa.
DFS? Very nice.
-Oh, for God's-- -Rana: I'll sort it, Toni.
Come on, love, this way.
Come on, we need to get you to hospital.
It's too late, Craig. It's coming now.
Just call the midwife. Just come upstairs with me now.
Never mind the speech, just come on upstairs.
Okay, love, let's just get you a lie down...
Baz: Thing is, you just get a much warmer sound with vinyl.
Rana: Oi! Put that stuff back right now!
No can do.
This place is being repossessed.
It isn't.
This is the HQ of the biggest drugs operation
in the East Riding.
Are you sure?
It's just full of very clean shoes and hippie rugs.
We've been watching this place for months.
Haven't we, Pickles?
Right.
Yeah, months.
Rana: You get in the way of two years of police work,
and I'll make it my personal mission to bring you two down.
Us? What have we done?
You tell me. Is your van fully insured?
No unpaid fines?
Your tax all in order?
You heard her.
Get it all back in.
Good lad.
Look, this is gonna pass. We've got ages, honestly!
-No. No. -Okay. Okay.
Well, let's get you a lie down then until it does, eh?
No, no one go anywhere!
-Paula: All right. -Toni: No one go anywhere!
This wedding is still happening!
Craig, do not let anyone leave! Do not let anyone leave!
Craig: Please, let's go inside.
Craig, John and I will handle the guests.
Amazing. Thank you.
-[ Microphone screeches] -Hello, everyone. Remain seated.
A slight hiccup in proceedings.
But fear not.
I happen to have a background in light entertainment.
-[ Piano flourish plays ] -[ Gloria chuckles ]
If you frequented Leeds nightclubs in the '70s...
'60s.
...you might remember
a double act called Red & Ginger!
Never heard of 'em.
Take it away, John.
[ Piano playing ]
♪♪ Poor old Johnnie Ray... ♪♪
What?
Insecure housing's a stain on our society,
but the law is the law.
They ignored an eviction notice.
Oh, that's just Toni. She can't handle stuff like...
Well, like anything, really.
Is she worth losing your job over?
What you gonna do, grass me up?
No, but someone will, sooner or later.
You're the best cop I've worked with.
-Don't waste that. -I'm not gonna.
Best you worked with?
By far.
In fact, there's something I wanted to ask you.
Something big.
Oh, this better not be what I think it is, Pickles?
HR sorted my transfer to the Met.
You're leaving?
-But what about-- -Come with me.
You'd thrive in London.
I thrive here.
-Do you? -Yeah.
Look at what you end up doing for your mates.
Covering up your mum's HRT scam,
menacing a bailiff,
and you even tasered a fellow officer.
Yeah.
And I'd do it again.
Just...
Just think about it?
Please?
♪♪ Señorita, there's a look In your eyes ♪♪
♪♪ Tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Come on, Talulah-roolah-ray... ♪♪
I wasn't expecting to see Gloria's gusset today.
-♪♪ Now you have found ♪♪ -♪♪ Come on ♪♪
[ Vocalising ]
♪♪ Oh, Eileen ♪♪
♪♪ Come on! ♪♪
[ Groaning ]
Oh, God, I can't believe he's doing this to me.
He's gonna have the next 18 years.
Couldn't he at least give me today?
-[ Groans ] -Keep breathing, Tone.
Spot of news. Just spoke to the midwife.
What's the ETA?
She's at a prolonged labor, but she's sending someone else.
So when are they getting here?
45 minutes.
We don't have 45 minutes. It's happening now!
On my second-best duvet cover.
I'm gonna fetch the birthing playlist.
Yeah, like that's gonna make all the difference!
It has very soothing vibes.
[ Toni moaning ]
Come on.
[ singing indistinctly ]
-♪♪ At this moment, You mean... ♪♪
Both: ♪♪ Everything... ♪♪
Can I get this shower curtain under you, Tone?
Rana: Bailiffs are sorted, Tone.
Rana! Rana! I need you!
-Fuck off, Paula! -[ Rana gasps ]
Rana! Rana! Please! [ Moans ]
Make yourself useful and get her knickers off!
No, Paula, nothing gynaecological, please.
Take the head end then!
-Quickly! -Oh.
-[ Groaning ] -Hiya, mate.
You all right -- [ Screams ]
Christ, you're strong!
Why? Why? Why?
-Why did I do this? -I don't know.
We're crowning.
♪♪ These boots are made for walking ♪♪
♪♪ And that's just What they'll do ♪♪
♪♪ One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you ♪♪
-Paula, what shall I do? -Hold her. Just hold her.
You're squeezing my arm a bit tight, Toni.
-[ Moaning ] Help me. -What you want me to do?
Go back in time and give you a condom?
Toni, I think it's time to push!
[ Crying ] I can't. I can't! I'm not ready!
-Come on! -[ Groaning ]
-Fuck, have I done a poo? -[ Paula ] No. No.
Where's Craig? I'm gonna fucking kill him!
[ Toni screaming in distance ]
[ Piano playing in distance ]
♪♪♪♪
Hello. Mind if I come in?
Is Mummy okay?
She's being a bit noisy, but that's Mummy, eh?
-[ Bangs ] -Oh!
What if the baby has nowhere to live?
[ Sighs ] Don't worry, darling.
Daddy will sort it.
That's my job, right?
Yeah.
That's your job.
Come here. Give me a cuddle.
♪♪♪♪
-[ Moaning ] -Look at me! Look at me!
This is your big day. You are the leading lady.
This is your big number.
So make sure they can hear you at the back.
Come on, Toni Callaghan, push!
Oh, my God! Put your leg down.
-[ Crying ] -Paula: Just a bit wider.
Calm down. Calm down. It's nearly here.
-Look at me. Push! -Push!
[ Both screaming ]
[ All screaming ]
[ Screaming echoes ]
Mum, is she -- is she all right?
She's just having a baby. It's all right.
-Dane: Yeah, but she sounds... -[ Baby crying ]
[ All cheering ]
I'm a grandmother again!
[ All cheering outside ]
That should be my applause.
[ Rana scoffs ]
I won't ask for an encore.
Hey, you little scene stealer.
Mmm.
You owe me a new duvet cover.
Congratulations, Craig.
Hiya, mate.
You've picked a helluva time.
Eh?
I'm sorry.
What for?
He's absolutely perfect.
No, for hiding the eviction notice.
And...
hiding being in labor.
Well, as long as you're not hiding anything else from me.
No.
[ Sneezes ]
That were mental.
Yeah, fucking mental, mate.
Toni Callaghan?
Back bedroom.
I've done the hard yard. You can take it from here.
Right.
Go on, sexy.
♪♪♪♪
You all right?
Yeah. Just contemplating the transience of life.
Yeah, me, too.
Look...
-Pickles... -I know.
This lot --
they'd be screwed without me.
And I'd be screwed without them.
So, London?
I don't think I can go.
Well, I don't think I can stay.
So where does that leave us?
Well, you know my motto.
"Cheer up, Pickles, you miserable bastard?"
-No. [ Laughs ] -[ Chuckles ]
Have fun tonight and worry about it in the morning.
Spoken like a true Bohemian.
♪♪♪♪
Nima: Take cake, love.
-Guest: See, ya. -Thanks for coming. Cake.
-Bit of red velvet. -Ah, thanks, Nima.
We'll be in touch about the re-do, in't it?
Man: All right, bye.
♪♪♪♪
So we had to explain, didn't we?
That, actually, we weren't dogging.
-Yes. -We were batting.
[ Both laughing ]
[ Gloria continues laughing ]
He's a regular Chris Packham, in't he, our John?
Yes.
My John.
Who would like to meet our son?
[ All exclaiming ]
-These painkillers are great! -Are they?
I'm having a really nice time.
-[ Rana chuckles ] -That's good.
Okay. Mmm-hmm.
He's got my nose.
No, Dane, that's not how genetics work.
Unless there's something you need to tell us, Toni.
[ Laughing ] Good one, Gloria.
[ Continues laughing ]
[ All laughing ]
Paula: You all right, love?
-That was funny. -Yeah.
-Oh, he's so cute. -Craig: Mmm.
He looks just like you.
A little Craig.
Just need to work out where he's gonna live now.
Gloria: About that.
John and I put in an offer on your place.
If it's accepted...
you can stay.
Craig: Mum.
That's too much.
Oh, you'll still be paying rent.
This is my retirement fund.
Oh. Mate's rates though, right?
Hmm. We'll discuss that.
You're all right, you, Doreen.
I guess you're our landlord now.
Yes, I suppose I am.
Oh, in that case, the shower really does need
replacing, you know,
because it's not been the same since I ripped it off the wall.
You know, when I was trying to mas--
Yeah, we know. We know.
So, are you still getting married?
Well, we still have the arch.
We still have the rings.
We've written the vows.
What else do we need?
Well, officially, er, you need an officiant.
Oh, I've done a few weddings and some funerals, too.
Cash in hand and a day's money in your back pocket, in't it?
Well, we wanted a boho wedding, darling.
Doesn't get much more boho than this.
What do you say?
Still want to get married?
♪♪ All my love I give you my devotion ♪♪
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[ All cheering ]
We did it. We're married.
Not in the eyes of the law.
Although it'll all be taken care of
when you go to the registry office tomorrow.
-What time is it? -Oh, I'm not sure.
Toni booked it, didn't you, Tone?
Uh, do they not do walk-ins?
Never mind.
This is all I ever wanted anyway.
Sorry for trying to arrest you that time.
Out of order, that.
It's not my first. It won't be my last.
I'm no stranger to the strong arm of the law.
Hey, you wanna hold on to this one, love?
I know.
We've decided on a name.
He's going to be Paul.
In honour of you, Paul.
For giving us the best wedding ever.
And pulling him out.
That's lovely, that.
Right. Now for my speech.
♪♪ Señorita, there's a look in your eyes ♪♪
♪♪ Wanna spend time with my sisters and I ♪♪
♪♪ Tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, oh, oh, give me strength ♪♪
♪♪ Give me love ♪♪
♪♪ Give me strength, give me love ♪♪
♪♪ Give me good times, baby, oh, yeah ♪♪