MAN 1: We are gathered here today
to witness the marriage of Hugo Delaney and Katie McConnell.
I object!
(indistinct chatters)
Katie, please don't do this.
STEFAN: I love you.
I know I don't understand everything about you,
or why you do some of the things that you do.
But I want to understand.
I want to know every secret you have.
Learn every thought that you have. I...
I want to spend the rest of my life next to you,
taking what the world throws at us, together.
(melancholy music playing)
And I can’t let you throw your life away like this.
Katie...
Come away with me.
Stefan?
(melancholy music playing)
You fucking asshole.
What are you doing? You stupid, stupid boy.
(Katie scoffs)
Go on, look around you.
It’s my wedding day.
What did you think? That I would just run off with you?
You know I've tried,
but I don’t know how to get this through your thick head!
Let me try again.
I don't want you
in my life!
-(footsteps approaching) -(man 2 grunts)
(theme music playing)
STEFAN: I just don't understand. I just...
(amusing music playing)
I thought it was real.
(music continues to play)
I thought she really loved me.
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.
But it could be worse.
How? How could it be worse?
-(thuds) -(indistinct chatters)
-Stefan. Hi. -STEFAN: Hi.
Tell us about your weekend.
Do I plead The Fifth? There's...
No. That’s not a thing here, just answer their questions.
You were at the wedding of Katie McConnell and Hugo Delaney, correct?
Make quite the impressions, don't you?
I imagine that wasn’t how you thought it’d go in your head?
-No. -Or maybe it was.
Maybe that’s exactly what was meant to happen.
(tense music playing)
Maybe you’re part of it all.
Part of what?
Oh, I don't know.
Let me see.
Theft.
Assault with a deadly weapon.
Mass poisoning.
What? Sorry, what are you talking about?
An assault?
A poisoning? Okay. I would never...
Wait, what are you talking about?
-What are you talking about? -All right. Let's calm down.
Look, Stefan, Katie McConnell hasn’t been seen since last night.
Her wedding night.
-METTS: Do you know where she is? -She’s missing?
Is she all right?
Let’s go back to the beginning.
How long have you known Katie McConnell?
It was the start of the summer.
At another wedding.
Oh, another bloody wedding, was it?
Yeah, Well, we've had loads this summer. It’s the wedding season.
Oh, wedding season, is it, Mr. Popular?
Well, I’ve been to three weddings in my life,
and two of them were my own.
All right. This was Saturday, May 9th, Stefan?
It's the wedding of Rory Campbell and Yuna Seok.
Three months before Katie’s wedding, you were both there.
Yeah, we're friends.
Who else were you there with?
I don’t know. Lots of people.
STEFAN: Best friends, my girlfriend, Vanessa.
(upbeat music playing)
STEFAN: The gang.
-Yes, thank you. -Go ahead...
You have to line the stomach. We’re not eating until like 6:30.
Also I’m hungover af.
You were out the night before your sister’s wedding?
That’s bold.
SUJI: Okay. Don’t you start, all right?
My sister nearly unbridesmaided me.
I had to, though, didn’t I? I had a date.
Uh-oh. On a scale of one to ten, how already-married was this one?
Zero, okay? Not at all married.
But turns out he did have a girlfriend though.
You shagged him anyway, though, didn’t you?
Yeah.
Don’t celebr-- Don't celebrate, that's really not cool.
Anil, just because you and Leila have decided to imprison yourself
in this cage of monogamy,
it doesn’t mean that the rest of us have to, okay? Thank you.
I would be happy to be in the monogamy cage, tbh.
I'm just saying great relationships can come from unexpected places.
Why rule someone out just because they’re seeing someone.
You know, or like "not in the right place right now."
Or "in a traveling circus."
That’s not a real example, is it?
Well, you'll be bringing him to our wedding?
Our wedding is at the end of July, Anil.
It’s just useful to know.
It makes no difference.
She could bring a blow-up doll and it literally wouldn't matter.
Okay. I can confirm it will be an actual person.
ANIL: It matters for the table plan!
It’s three months away you’re actually demented.
I'm not. What...
I wish I loved anything as much as your friends love arguing.
Not even me?
(funky music playing)
-(dramatic music playing) -(indistinct chatters)
I do love a registry office do.
In and out, 30 minutes. Perfect.
Yeah, but the trade-off is they’ve probably written their own vows.
What’s wrong with that?
You are the umbrella of my rain.
And you are the Saturday to my Sunday.
YUNA: You are the pork to my chop.
Sit down.
These don’t even make sense. There’s an art to writing these.
Just because it’s not how you would do it, it doesn’t mean...
There’s no consistency! They’re the worst vows I’ve ever heard!
I loved the vows. It was such a nice ceremony.
Jung-hwan and Hyun-jin looked after me when I was a broke student.
Your daughter is really beautiful.
This is Vanessa!
Ah, the famous Vanessa!
-Enjoy your evening. -You too.
(indistinct chatters)
STEFAN: How old does that guy look to you?
I don't know, he kind of look...
Oh, my God, about 14.
And you’ve got such a mysterious vibe about you.
Like what do you do when you’re not being hot at weddings?
Seeing friends.
Fortnite.
TikTok.
Oh, my God, yeah. Same, every night.
-Really? -Yeah, Every night.
Oh, I know that look.
That look means Suji’s decided to finally to cross her last remaining line
and bang a 14 year old.
One of you should intervene before she ends up on some type of register.
Babe, you don’t have to take a photo of everything here.
I want it on Pinterest so I can show the caterers.
Stefan, can you tell Anil he can’t just keep stealing things
-from our friends’ weddings. -(sighs)
-Okay. -Whoa, no, Stefan, you can’t!
-Why not? -You’re at someone else’s wedding.
It’s not your day.
It’s romantic! It’s like a relay race of love.
It’s not. It’s a dick move.
Yeah, and you’re only proposing because things aren’t going well
and you’re afraid she’s gonna break up with you.
That is not true.
You literally texted me last week saying, and I quote,
"I'm afraid Vanessa’s going to break up with me.
Can I use foot cream on my hand."
Okay. Well, that's true.
But that’s probably because she’s not sure how serious I am about her.
It’s definitely not.
Time will tell.
-I can’t decide if he’s stupid or brave. -Stupid. He’s stupid.
Yeah.
(upbeat music playing)
Vanessa, I've been looking for you.
Look, I'm really sorry to bail early, I’m just absolutely knackered.
I know we’ve not been going out for very long
in the grand scheme of things,
but it’s been the best seven months of my life.
Oh, 1.7 surge charge. Fuck’s sake.
Does anyone wanna split a fare?
I know that we have our differences sometimes,
and things have been a bit weird lately.
I know you talked about wanting a bit more space,
you see, I... I don’t think more space is the answer.
Actually, I really do think more space... What are you doing?
Oh, no.
-Should we stop him? -Yeah, probably.
STEFAN: I think what we need...
is less space, more time.
No, Stefan, don’t. Don't... Don’t do this here.
Don't do this anywhere.
-Vanessa. -No, please, Stefan, stop.
Things have been weird recently. Yeah.
And you’re only gonna ask me this because the relationship is dying.
You know that, deep down.
Vanessa Isabelle Henry...
And I’ve been trying to ignore it too...
(woman laughing)
But today, watching an actually happy couple get married,
I've realized that I cannot do this anymore.
Everyone here? Is everyone ready?
And that was before you tried to propose, which is insane.
Will you marry me?
-(driver) Vanessa? -(tires screeching)
I’m sorry. I...
-(upbeat music playing) -(camera shutter clicking)
(car door closes)
(engine revving)
-(indistinct chatters) -(upbeat music playing)
You want to get engaged at my wedding so badly, Stefan?
I thought she was the one.
It's just, Anil and Leila is getting married,
everybody is getting married.
I don’t wanna get left behind.
(grunts)
Dick!
(music continues to play)
(siren wailing in a distance)
Listen, Stefan, we have witnesses that say that despite this...
Heartbreak.
You actually stayed at the wedding, and you seemed to be having a good time.
Did you have any help with that?
I don't know what you mean.
Chestnut Blues, very nice, nine out of ten.
Pop-Pops, these are the ones that made me piss myself in Magaluf,
maybe not.
Grumble Grumbles, had the best sex on these,
but also the worst.
A little bit of Stardust Sprinkle.
No, no, now I think about it, that might be a bit much for you tonight,
and...
half of a Dave Benson Phillips,
A+, five stars, nominated for eight Golden Globes,
highly-recommended.
(upbeat music playing)
Stefan, I appreciate you might not be in the mood to stay,
or whatever, but you know what cheers people up?
Drugs.
I have a lot of drugs.
-So you didn't do any drugs? -No.
(upbeat music playing)
You’re absolutely sure about that?
(upbeat music playing)
Definitely. No, I don’t take drugs.
Why are you writing that down?
I just thought it was interesting.
Did you think it’s interesting, Donahue?
Oh, very fucking interesting.
Given what happened with the stabbing.
Stabbing?
The cake knife? I can explain--
Tell us about Katie McConnell.
(upbeat music playing)
Listen, how old does that guy look to you?
Oh, you know, Suji, there’s no rush.
You don’t have to settle for somebody who isn’t right
because you're never ready to get married.
Fuck off, Stefan, you can talk.
You can’t poach their photographer! We have a photographer.
My brother said he’d do it.
Yeah, he’s gonna do it with GoPros.
What’s wrong with that?
Oh, we’re not skydivers, that’s what’s wrong!
I did a skydiving once! It's great.
(grunts)
(upbeat music playing)
Thanks.
Butterfingers.
Prob noblem.
No problem.
-I might say, my tongue stopped working. -Oh, no.
Do you like wrestling?
What?
You got a wrestler on the cover of your phone.
Oh, yes.
It’s an inside joke.
(Stefan laughing)
Have you seen a phone? Someone took my phone.
-I’m so sorry. -What are you doing?
You looked like you need a hug.
What I need is my phone.
Sorry, dude. I don't see a phone.
Look, it’s really important.
It has this plastic case that my son got me,
with a wrestler on it or something.
KATIE: We’ll let you know if we find it.
-Good luck. -Thanks.
-Bye. -Can I buy you a drink?
-It’s an open bar. -Oh, it's an open bar.
But I tell you what, you can buy me one anyway.
Stef Inman...
I’m Stefan.
I'm Katie.
How’s your wedding going?
Oh, it wasn’t great.
And then it got better.
Chicken was dry.
Chicken? No, dude, never the chicken.
Repeat after me.
Vegetarian option.
Yes.
(mellow music playing)
Love is bullshit.
You don’t actually believe that.
I don't actually believe that.
I've known you for 30 seconds.
I know you don't believe that.
No. I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s all that I think about,
but it’s definitely the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
-Jesus Christ! -Yeah.
-That's insane. -Yeah, it is insane.
(chuckles)
And that’s why I love weddings.
You love weddings?
So you’re aware that weddings are mostly driven
by people wanting to show off that they love each other
more than their friends love each other?
And it’s this fabrication that today is gonna be the happiest day of my life.
It’s just the Wedding Industrial Complex.
Oh, you're not one of those Wedding Industrial Complex people.
I am!
Oh, no!
I don’t think people should just blindly participate.
-Oh, it's completely fair. -You know?
Yeah. No, of course. There’s truth in that.
But, like, I...
Isn't it like... Isn't it like complaining about Christmas being commercialized.
Go on.
-Like, okay, I’m not a brave man... -Okay.
-I'm not a brave man. -(Katie laughs)
But I think there’s something brave about getting up in front
of everyone you know, knowing that there’s statistically
like a 50-50 chance of it not working out,
standing there and saying, "We are crazy about each other,
and we believe in each other."
I...
(mellow music playing)
I wanna be the kind of person that can take that leap.
(music continues to play)
And I think deep down you're with me on this.
I don’t know about that.
Okay, if your mom wears a hat, it makes no difference.
-But as for the wedding... -Well, it doesn't...
But at least I’m having a better time than they are.
Hey...
-Did you really take that guy’s phone? -Maybe.
I wasn’t gonna take it home, I swear.
Just... sometimes at these things,
I like to amuse myself.
Like borrowing people's stuff.
Like when I took your watch.
No, you...
Oh, my God.
I didn't feel it. I can't believe I have... What am I doing?
What is this?
Oh, my...
I know.
(laughing)
Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.
That’s Pablo Neruda.
And that’s a man who knows a thing or two about falling in love.
I don't think--
You think I don't fucking know Pablo Neruda?
Nope. Yeah. Yep.
I contain multitudes, lad.
Oh, my God. Okay, this is jam.
This is your jam?
(Stefan grunts)
Yeah!
(upbeat music playing)
Oh, that is so good.
-What? -It's not that you don't have rhythm.
It's just that your rhythm is not the rhythm of the song.
What the hell are you doing?
Jackson!
Jackson is doing the DJ-ing.
Who is DJ-ing right now?
Well, I needed a poo so I put Blue Monday.
And then in the toilets, I was chatted up by this really nice young man.
No apps or anything!
Like, an IRL public convenience hook-up!
I mean, I feel like Alan Turing or something, you know.
Anyway, long story short, I just put it on shuffle, so.
-I need help. I need help. -You always need help.
No, not you. You've done enough.
Suji, Katie. Katie, Suji.
-What have you done? -Hi.
Okay. So you know Duncan. Duncan, right?
So I think he's a little bit younger than what he says he is.
He says he's 25, right?
But I asked him what he does for a living
and he says he has a Saturday job at the Shoe Zone.
(laughs)
-Power through! That's my advice. -The old Prince Trinitor
began to find this goblin race strangely attractive.
But now spending time amongst them...
This is a banger, what is this?
Oh, it's my ex's fan-fiction. I need to go and sort this out.
(Katie laughs)
The next...
-Look, I'm just catching up... -Yeah, I...
So I just I feel like I've invested most of the night in him,
and you only get to be a fit bridesmaid a few times in your life.
But Stefan, and my shitting mom, keep going off
on one about how I shouldn't rush to get married,
-And, like, I should make a living first. -I didn't say that. I never said that.
Okay, well, obviously, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
Fuck, no, right? No.
I have a brilli-- I have a brilliant life already!
Sure you do. And just because you wanna share it with someone
doesn't mean that you're betraying the sisterhood.
Exactly!
Except, you know what, I really... I really I like you.
-I like her. -I like you too.
And that's why I'm gonna let you know that that is a boy...
I mean, look at him.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-You're right. I'm gonna go, like... -You're welcome.
-I like your friends. -Yeah.
Yeah, they are... They're basically, yeah.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Like, I grew up, I was a foster kid, growing up, right?
And I moved around a lot, so I never really had a family.
And I got to uni and I met this guy
and I just tried to hold on to them because I just...
I mean, they drive me mad but I love them.
I mean, I really do. I just-- I love them.
And I am rambling. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I just have a lot of energy from somewhere.
(laughing)
It's okay. You don't have to apologize.
So, have you-- Have you got friends here?
No.
But you know Yuna and Rory, that's why you're at the wedding.
Not really.
Yuna is friends with my boyfriend.
Your boyfriend?
They used to date actually, isn't that funny?
He was supposed to be here tonight but then something came up.
Maybe you know him. Hugo Delaney?
For fuck's sake! Him, really? Hugo Delaney?
He's a massive dickhead!
Okay. He was a dickhead when him and Yuna were going out,
and he was a dickhead when they broke up,
and he's a dickhead now, I mean, probably always going to be a dickhead.
Because people like him just flow through life without any consequences,
riding fucking over people like they're nothing, you know?
(upbeat music playing)
So were you in love with Katie McConnell?
You helped her steal a phone.
Not just anyone's phone.
Do you know whose phone that was, Stefan?
-No. -And you stopped a wedding for her.
Where is she now, Stefan? Where the fuck is she?
Are you actually gonna charge my client with something?
With accessory to phone theft, maybe?
-Leila. -No, I'm serious.
If this is all you've got, then we'll see you in court.
Where it will be laughed out
I don't think they'd laugh out a charge of grievous bodily harm.
No, okay. Look, it wasn't like that!
Is anyone here a doctor?
(indistinct chatters)
I think I need a doctor!
You're a doctor?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call an ambulance.
Okay.
(grunts)
Oh, fuck.
All right, and I need a straw, and a knife and some vodka.
Okay.
(suspenseful music playing)
Ah, fuck. Okay.
Katie, look at me. Something extreme is about to happen
and I'm gonna need your help, okay?
-Okay. -Okay.
(suspenseful music playing)
When I say, blow into the straw,.
Okay.
(music continues to play)
(crowd clamoring)
(metal clanks)
(suspenseful music playing)
-Now. -(gasps)
Again.
Again, again, again.
-(blowing through straw) -(suspenseful music playing)
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Okay.
(crowd applauding)
Okay.
(gasps)
Hey.
I was wondering if, after earlier, if you wanted to swap numbers?
Yeah, of course!
I think I am just gonna go over there first.
(triumphant music playing)
Oh, by the way, my brother texted and said he can borrow a drone.
No, absolutely not.
-Why... -No!
-What's wrong with drone?
-(crowd cheering and applauding) -(laughing)
Bye!
(triumphant music playing)
I am so glad you're single.
Fuck the patriarchy.
Oh, my God, Mom, you are so embarrassing. I can't...
(music continues to play)
You know, that was pretty impressive, what you did.
You did pretty well yourself.
The straw thing is disgusting.
That was very disgusting.
Listen.
I'm sorry about earlier.
I've been a bit of a mess tonight.
Probably a good time to mention that I...
I had my heart broken earlier.
Yeah, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, and she got in a taxi and left.
(laughs)
-That was you? -Yeah.
Hey, I heard about that.
Oh, God.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I think you're going viral.
Wow, I wanna die.
Hey, come here. I wanna show you something.
(heavy rock music playing)
Wait, what about your boyfriend?
Hugo isn't my boyfriend.
He's my fiancé.
(music continues to play)
Fuck's sake.
I mean, that's just typical of you, isn't it, Stefan?
Single for five bloody minutes
and you're already having grubby toilet sex
with someone engaged to be married.
That really isn't typical...
Look, unless there's anywhere else you wanna go on this fishing expedition,
I think we're done here.
It was an emergency tracheotomy, not GBH,
clearly, my client doesn't know anything useful,
he's answered all your questions.
-Not honestly, he hasn't. -Sorry?
We have your friend Jackson in custody.
METTS: He says he did supply you
with a number of controlled substances that evening.
You performed a medical procedure while not only drunk,
but also having consumed illegal drugs.
You were absolutely off your tits, weren't you, son?
Addled. Cabbaged. Boiled as a fucking owl.
Three sheets to the wind, and four to the floor.
That woman can't be pressing charges.
My client saved her life.
DONAHUE: You're right.
But we're sure the that General Medical Council would be very interested
to learn about all of this.
You'd lose your medical license, I imagine.
Oops.
What is it that you actually want?
Clearly Stefan isn't the the target of your inquiries.
Stefan tried to crash Katie McConnell's wedding.
A few hours later, at the reception, eight guests were poisoned.
Like, what, food poisoning?
Like dead poisoning.
What?
Stefan, it's very important that you don't say anything.
-Me and my client need to... -Wait...
They're dead?
Have you not heard the news, son? Eight of them.
-Eight? -All members of the Delaney family.
-Your Katie's new in-laws. -And her new husband.
So you told us you called her, what was it, Metts?
-A dickhead. -Yeah, a massive fucking dickhead.
Katie McConnell did a runner as soon as her new family dropped dead.
(tense music playing)
And she hasn't been heard of since.
But she did manage to empty her new joint account with Hugo Delaney.
R.I.P.
Now, Stefan, son, you're walking a very thin fucking line here.
You're a doctor, for now.
You probably know a lot about the human body and how to poison it.
(eerie music playing)
You really think I did this?
You disrupted that wedding once already.
You and Katie had been seen multiple times together
over the past three months.
This is you in Cornwall a few weeks after Yuna's wedding.
You both entered the United States a few weeks after that.
-I don't know, I... -I think you're in way over your head
and I think you know something.
Now you can tell us or we can talk to the GMC.
Look, I didn't poison anyone, I...
I feel sick.
If you can't do the time, son.
No, it's the stress, I mean, like I'm gonna...
Fuck's sake.
If we let you go to the bathroom, you'll help us after, Stefan?
(door opening)
(gaging)
(breathes heavily)
That color is not natural.
You need to change your diet, Stefan, son.
(cell phone beeps and vibrates)
Oh, shit.
I've got to make a phone call. These bloody lawyers.
All right. Don't you move an inch.
You, keep a fucking eye on him.
Yeah, sway over here, please.
(door closes)
(suspenseful music playing)
-(tires screeching) -(glasses shattered)
What the fuck was that?
(fire alarm ringing)
Come with me.
Down here.
(fire alarm ringing)
(indistinct chatters)
(door opens then closes)
Hi.
What are you doing? Everyone here is looking for you.
Listen, Stefan, you have to come with me.
What, so you can poison me?
Yeah, no. Forget it.
(chuckles)
I don't know what they've been telling you.
They told me you're 10 different kinds of criminal!
And none of that is true.
(fire alarm ringing)
Okay, go.
-Katie, stop, stop, stop, stop! -What are you doing?
There's like 200 cops downstairs.
That's a fair point.
Let's go up.
What's upstairs?
Okay. I'm parked in there.
Okay.
Absolutely not.
No!
It's just a little hop.
(adventurous music playing)
No, no, no!
(Katie grunts)
What?
-Oh, my God! Are you okay? -(Katie laughs)
Come on! We don't have forever. They're gonna be on us before you know it.
I can't.
Yeah, you can! Jump.
I can't! I mean, like, they have arrested me,
they've arrested Jackson,
they're gonna take my medical license away.
They're saying you're a mass murderer!
I saw a board in there that looks like the fucking Wire!
Stefan, please.
(fire alarm ringing)
Whatever's happened before, this is what's real.
I am real.
We can be real. You know that.
Take the leap.
Come with me.
Fuck.
(adventurous music playing)
Okay.
(music continues to play)
Okay.
Oh, fuck!
(adventurous music playing)
(music continues to play)
(engine revving) (tires screeching)
Katie, what the fuck did you do?
(engine revving)
I'm so glad you're here.
(engine revving)
(theme music playing)