Life is a test.
My biggest test was an actual test,
the GED, the test you take if you mess up in high school.
It's like an academic morning-after pill.
I decided to drop out because I was taking three
buses to a white school, where a redhead
would beat my Black ass.
But with the GED, I could get a good job and start fresh.
So I couldn't wait to get my test results.
What's it say?
You failed.
What?
Boy, I'ma slap you into animation.
Ow.
Oh.
Good Lord.
Do you know how hard it is to fail the GED?
I have an uncle who can't read clocks.
And he has two GEDs.
I can't believe you slapped me.
I can't believe you made me throw my back out.
That's my mom, Rochelle.
Her test was making sure her kids succeeded
by any beatings necessary.
This dinner was supposed to be a celebration.
We're using up our back-to-school money
to pay for it.
That's my father, Julius.
His test was growing up poor.
So he knew the cost of everything.
Get your own money, fly.
Hey.
Excuse me, my son failed his GED.
And I'd like to return his food.
He only ate 4 cent worth of fries.
So does this mean I'm the smart one now?
You're eating a straw.
Cool.
That's my brother Drew.
Everyone thought I was his younger brother.
He never worried about tests because
the only thing greater than white privilege
is hot privilege.
Daddy, since Chris failed, does that mean it's OK for us
to drop out, smoke crack, and become strippers?
No, baby.
Oh, see what you did, Chris?
Set a better example.
Tonya was the youngest and my dad's favorite.
Her test was how she could make my life a living hell.
And she got an A every time.
I just wanted to get a fresh start.
I can't go back to that school.
Maybe this year will be better.
I don't know about that.
History doesn't repeat itself.
It reboots.
And everybody hates a reboot.
Ugh!
♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪
I couldn't believe I failed the GED.
I felt like I had no future.
I was going to get stuck in Bed-Stuy,
Do or Die, where I was going to die of embarrassment.
Back in '87, we didn't have social media.
But on my block, at least 87 people knew your business
before you got home.
I canceled four hair appointments
to make this cake for Chris.
Oh, well.
Little dude from across the street,
I heard you failed your GED.
Even our friendly neighborhood con, Jerome,
was disappointed in me.
And he just mugged a baby.
Mm, mm, mm.
Daddy, can I get dance lessons after you
cut Chris off financially?
Of course, baby.
Cut me off? When did you cut me on?
If you're not going to school, you got to get a job
or get out.
I can't have your sister and brother
thinking it's OK to be a bum.
We can't kick Chris out of the house.
Because you care so much about me, huh?
No, because you can't do anything.
You'll die out there.
That's why you're going back to school.
But I missed so much class.
They'll make me repeat 10th grade.
Everyone will think I'm stupid.
If you don't think everyone already thinks you're stupid,
you're stupid.
Look, Chris, that school is our best option
so you don't end up on these streets.
It's scary out there.
Crackheads, gangs, that white man in a Larry Bird jersey.
10th grade was the worst year of my life, not including
the year I had a Jheri curl.
And now I had to do it all over again.
But maybe this was just a new test.
I could still get a fresh start
by getting fresh clothes from our renter upstairs, Mr. Omar.
Ah, here is a fine, lightly used
item at an affordable price.
Is this from your funeral home?
That ain't none of your business.
That's between me and my dead client.
Ah, we need a new mattress.
This one is messing up my back.
You said that was from slapping Chris.
I lied to make him do better in school.
It's called parenting, duh.
But we don't have new mattress money.
We haven't slept well in years.
You bought this one used off a pimp.
It's a Pimpropedic.
We are not getting a new mattress.
Well, then nothing's going to happen on this one.
All right, I'll try to get a third job.
A third job? No, baby.
I don't want you working yourself to death.
It's OK. I'll get a job.
My mom was great at her jobs.
But she was even better at quitting them.
That's it.
Ahh.
Ooh. I don't need this.
My man has two jobs.
But don't you want to do some team-building trust falls?
Y'all had 400 years to gain my trust already, Maureen.
I can keep a job if I want to, Julius.
Damn.
Uh-huh.
That look says, "I'm getting a third job."
How you like me now?
Ooh, Chris, I love this new, not raggedy look.
My mom hated raggedy.
She was a ghetto snob.
She always said we weren't rich enough to look poor.
How did you afford all that?
That looks like $40 worth of clothes.
Mr. Omar sold me a dead man's clothes real cheap.
And I've been buying alive people's clothes all this time?
Mercy!
It's getting late.
You boys better get going.
Drew.
It was Drew's freshman year.
And for the first time in a while,
we'd be at the same school.
I was hoping with my new clothes
he wouldn't outshine me.
Wrong.
Whoa, you don't look raggedy.
Why is everyone so surprised?
Oh, and, Chris, I'm going down to the temp agency.
Nessa's watching Tonya after school.
I need you to pick her up and take her to a dance lesson.
OK?
Why do I have to be the backup parent to a demon child?
Come on, Chris.
She's an angel.
Thank you, Daddy.
Chris, if you're late, those clothes
will have two dead owners.
I had to take three buses to school.
But the bus drivers wouldn't always stop for us.
They were scared of my neighborhood.
They were scared of this neighborhood, too.
They weren't scared of this neighborhood, but I was.
You boys like candy?
I can't believe this is how you've been getting to school.
I wasn't sure about Drew going to school with me.
But at that moment, I was so glad I wasn't alone.
Drew?
My friends from the dojo are offering me a ride, so--
When it came to women, my brother was like Idris Elba.
Can I squeeze in?
No.
And I was like Idris' elbow.
Ain't nobody trying to have sex with an elbow.
Well, almost nobody.
I'm just going to walk.
What happened to your clothes?
I slipped in mud.
It don't smell like mud.
It wasn't mud.
There goes my fresh start.
I don't know why you need one.
This place seems OK.
Because it's always the same old, same old here.
Watch.
Girls ignore me.
Big guys want to hurt me.
Little guys are suspicious of me.
There's two of them now.
And all the adults here are wack.
Hello, students.
This is Principal Morello, wishing you
a great first day back at school
and a special shout-out to my homebuddy, Chris,
who did not get his GED.
But it's not his fault.
The test wasn't in Ebonics.
Well, well, well, look who's still
running on CPT.
You're late. Go to the principal's office.
And I assume those white kids are white on time?
See, that's why you failed the GED.
You said "right" wrong.
My first day back was off to a bad start.
So at lunch, I couldn't wait to hang out
with the only guy I knew was having a bad day, too.
Hey, Chris, this school is great.
The bathroom stalls have doors.
Not him, him, my best friend, Greg.
Sorry, I can't be seen with you.
Huh?
It's social suicide for an 11th-grader
like me to be hanging out
with a 10th grader like you.
What do you mean you can't hang out with me?
I saw you getting pizza with Three-Legged Jimmy.
I thought you'd be happy I'm back.
I am.
But what would people say if they
saw me with Drew's brother?
Drew's brother?
It's what they're calling you now.
I'm going to see if I can buy Drew lunch.
I'll give you my Cheetos.
Fine.
Ugh. That stuff is crack.
If it was good enough for Jesus to walk on,
it's good enough for you to sleep on.
Julius?
Rochelle, what are you doing here?
The temp agency sent me.
Did you take on a third job behind my bad back?
Uh, now we can double our discount on a new bed.
Julius, that is so goddamn romantic.
They said to check in with the supervisor.
I'm the supervisor.
Ah!
Finally have a job I won't have to quit.
I'm going on break. Mwah!
But you just got here.
I didn't know how to grade myself on my first day
back at school.
But my bully Joey Caruso did.
He came to eff me up.
Heard about your test.
See, this is why you guys can't be quarterbacks.
Anyway, which side do you prefer?
Right.
Wait, he's been acting shady all day, expanding his crew,
selling drugs, and he's wearing all Ralph Lauren.
They may look like urban preppies.
But these Ralph Lauren fans call themselves The Low Heads.
And they're the latest gang to terrorize the streets
of New York, joining others like the Decepticons
and the Boys Choir of Harlem.
That's not a gang.
That's a glee club.
Are you in a gang?
Uh...
Yeah.
And I go by Lil' Horsey now.
Mm... mm...
Looks like Lil' Horsey found a way to pass the test.
Neigh, neigh, mother--oh! Ugh.
Trust me, your wife will love this pillowtop.
It's so comfortable.
Rochelle, can I give you some advice?
- No. - Mm.
Like I was saying, you really shouldn't make this decision
without your wife because--
Sir, I can help you.
Sir, sir?
As me and my unkicked ass headed home,
something weighed on my mind.
Hey, dummy.
Back then, even the walls hated me.
You did the right thing for an idiot.
Car fumes must be getting to me.
"Car fumes must be getting to me."
Why are you being a little bitch?
I can't fake being in a gang.
It'll get me in trouble with a real gang.
I should have stayed raggedy.
No one will ever find out.
Besides, right now, you got bigger problems.
- Tonya. - Hee-hee-hee.
Poor Chris.
If you don't have the looks, you got at least be smart.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, Chris, I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about another Chris who failed the GED.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Oh, don't apologize to me.
I'ma pray for you, baby.
Chris, I better not miss my chance
to learn dance techniques developed by my all-time
favorite artist.
What do you like about El DeBarge so much?
He's a generational talent being held back
by his no-talent siblings.
Just like me.
You're El DeDead.
Back at school, faking gang status upped my real status.
People who used to call me the N-word
now called me the well-dressed N-word.
Even Thurman was scared.
I'm going to the bathroom.
Y-you need a pass?
This is my pass, homey.
That wasn't a gang sign.
It was sign language for "butterfly."
Come back with the Mrs.
She wouldn't want to miss this.
Can I speak with you?
Yes, supervisor?
You want to test out this product?
Rochelle, you're literally sleeping on the job.
I'm not.
But if I was, what better advertisement than me
sleeping on a mattress?
You want me wide awake on a mattress?
I know what I'm doing.
Based on what?
The hundreds of jobs I've had.
Wives are the real decision makers.
When clueless husbands make purchases like this all alone,
their wives return them.
And the store loses money.
Look, a sale is a sale.
Who knows if those guys will come back.
I'm back.
- You know what? - Uh-oh.
I don't need this. No, no, don't say it.
My man has three jobs.
And you barely have one, Kevin.
Dude, your rep at the school has never been higher.
Oh, so now you're willing to be seen with Drew's brother?
Yeah, you have status.
And I want to get in there.
Why are they fighting?
They wanted to join my gang.
I said they had to jump themselves in.
Wow, I haven't had sex.
But I know this is better than that.
Little Horsey, report to my office.
I'm hearing some rumors about you.
I can't say I'm surprised that you answered
the call of the streets.
But I want you to know I understand
that gang life is the only way you can feed all your babies.
I don't have babies.
And I'm not really in a gang.
Chris, we have a zero tolerance
policy for this kind of thing.
But good news.
The district created a new program called GRIP.
Gang Resistance Is 'Portant?
Yes, so 'portant.
And I want to help you get a grip on your life.
All right, so what is it,
some kind of extra class?
That's where we're in kind of a pickle.
Excuse me, a fried okra.
The district doesn't have money for the actual program.
But we have T-shirts.
So I'm off the hook?
No, you're expelled.
Do you want some onesies for all your babies?
If my mom found out I got expelled,
she would knock me into Claymation.
So I decided to fake going to school.
After my parents left the next day, I snuck back in.
Tonya!
What are you doing here?
I leave two hours after you, fool.
That's because she went to the local school,
Lamont Sanford Junior High.
Wait a second, are you cutting class?
Yeah.
But you're not cool enough to cut.
You got suspended.
But then why is there fear in your eyes?
You got expelled.
Fine, yes.
Don't snitch on me, OK, please?
OK, if you let me hold 10 bucks.
After school was over, I'd have to sneak
back out to walk back in.
Lucky for me, my dad had a king-sized level of guilt.
I got a new mattress.
That's nice.
Too bad you'll be on the couch.
Look, I shouldn't have doubted you.
And I'm really sorry.
OK, well, I forgive you.
What?
I lied.
I did fall asleep on the job.
Rochelle!
I know.
I don't have your stamina to deal with so
much foolishness at work.
Baby, it's amazing what you do for this family.
And I really want to say that I'm--
- Rochelle, it's OK. - I'm--
Rochelle, it's OK.
No, I'm going to do it.
- No, you don't have to. - I'm--
Look, I'm not even mad anymore.
- I'm-- - See, I'm smiling.
I'm smiling.
I'm sorry.
Wow, you didn't throw up this time.
I was relieved my plan worked.
Sure, I'd have to pull this off every day
until I convince my folks to let me take the GED again.
But for now, things were good.
Chris got expelled.
Really, Chris?
Really, Tonya?
That's for El DeBarge.
Expelled?
What did you do? - He joined a gang.
- Drew! - A gang?
- What in the-- - I was faking it. OK?
That could get you in a lot of trouble, son.
Now, why would you do something so dumb?
Because maybe I'm dumb, all right?
That's what the test said, didn't it?
I'm just tired of getting beat up every day.
I needed a fresh start.
It's bad enough I have to be back at school at all.
You brought this on yourself.
Missing so much class--
Which wasn't my fault.
Thurman sent me to the principal's office
for no reason all the time.
I missed tests.
That's why I dropped out.
Wait, what?
Baby, I had no idea.
Why didn't you tell us?
I tried to handle it myself.
Guess I was too dumb to do that too.
It's always something with him.
Our son is not dumb.
Maybe your machine is dumb.
Look, I ran the test again and--
wait, there's an error code.
A what?
Seems like he used a number 3 pencil instead of a number 2.
The machine couldn't read his test.
A number 3 pencil?
Where did he even get that?
Oh, no.
Doc, these are marked 50% off.
I also have a double coupon and a rebate.
Negative $1.53.
Hmm, I think I have to pay you.
This is the greatest day of my life.
♪ Oh happy day ♪
Chris, this is why I say don't touch my things.
I was in a rush.
I just grabbed one out of your drawer.
Wait, does this mean I didn't fail?
Hi, um, can you manually regrade his test?
No, we have a policy.
I can't give your son special treatment.
Because that's what's wrong with the world,
Black kids getting all that special treatment.
Julius, get the truck.
Well, first of all, let me say it must
be so hard to be a single mom.
My husband is right here.
But I'm sorry.
Any form of gang activity violates our rules.
He was lying about being in a gang.
And I guess I was just wondering why he had to do
that to feel safe at school.
But that's probably for the attorneys to figure out.
Attorneys?
Yeah, some big law firm said they
would take this on pro bono.
Am I saying that right?
Maybe I was a little hasty about expelling Chris.
Yeah, and having him repeat the 10th
grade because a teacher was harassing him.
Oh, I forgot to tell our attorneys that part.
We can move Chris to the 11th grade.
Thank you.
Besides, my son couldn't really be in a gang.
This boy still has a "Snorks" night-light.
Well, it helped me stop wetting the bed, didn't it?
Principal Morello, the PA.
Wait.
The entire school heard this?
Your backpack is on the button.
To clarify, this is not Black Chris.
This is white Chris.
You may know me by my nickname, Greg.
Whew.
Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I caused all this trouble.
Chris, the reason we're hard on you
is because the world is harder.
But even if you fail a test,
I'll be damned if you fail in life.
We've got you, no matter what.
Unless you bring home some babies.
What's this?
Number 2 pencils.
I...paid full price.
So it looked like my biggest test was going
to be surviving high school.
But maybe I'd make new friends, meet new girls,
and have new adventures.
Maybe this was a test I could actually pass.
Hey, that's Boo-Boo's windbreaker.
He's wearing our dead homey's windbreaker.
Get him.
Uh oh, pop quiz.
singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪
Chirp.
♪ MTV ♪