The 1980s was all about
"The Sally Jessy Raphael Show."
She was a white lady with three names,
two shoulder pads, and one concept--
worrying people about nothing.
Bye, Mom. - Okay.
Be safe out there, Drew, Chris, or Tonya.
Up next, we're gonna discuss
the dangers of brothers who aren't friends.
Distant siblings today,
crackheads and murderers tomorrow.
Why aren't you and Drew going to school together?
Uh, we don't really hang out there.
What? Y'all ain't friends at school?
Do you want him to be a crackhead murderer?
No?
You and your brother should be inseparable,
like best friends.
I don't want him ending up in the wrong crowd.
You better stick to each other like Cain and Abel.
She just read "The Bible for Dummies."
Why? Drew's friends are harmless.
Most of them belong to a dojo.
Dojo one day, white blow the next.
It's your job to look out for him.
And if you don't, you're gonna have to look out for this.
Drew! Wait.
Wouldn't it be fun if you rode the bus today with me?
Please?
Mm, okay, sure.
Go on without me.
all: Aw.
This is the worst day of my life.
Crap.
Jerome's out on the stoop today.
What's up, little dude from across the street?
Let me hold a dollar.
Oh, my Black Jesus.
Let me give you a dollar.
- Uh? - Thanks.
This will replace the one I lost doing magic.
And here's a little something for you, Drew's brother.
Ow. What the f--
Shoot.
No seats.
Here you go, Drew.
Take mine.
Here, Drew.
Please, sit.
Whoo!
Next, Nancy Reagan shows us how to give the perfect--
Tonya, don't go yet.
Now that Drew is going to Chris's school,
you'll be the first one home every day.
So we've decided you're ready for your own key.
By the power of this key,
I am a grown-up!
I can't believe it.
My little girl's a latchkey kid.
Finally.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hold on. This is a big responsibility.
We're trusting you to let yourself in
and mind the house alone.
Don't flash the key around, don't let anyone in,
and keep all the windows and doors locked.
You think burglars don't know how to climb?
Their hands are good for two things--
climbing and burglaring.
Okay, get going. Love you, baby.
Ah!
Son of a bitch.
And now we're gonna hear from a parent
whose son chased a slinky off a bridge.
Rochelle, guess what I got.
I know what you got. It got me three kids.
No.
It's a two-for-one coupon for that seafood place
that also plays baseball games.
Catch of the Day.
Let's do a date night there.
I'm not going to no seafood restaurant.
Sally Jessy did an episode where
a beautiful, hardworking mother of three ate fish,
and do you know what happened?
She thanked her husband for dinner?
She got gills, Julius.
You won't catch me eating no fish ever again.
Why don't you take one of your friends?
Friends?
I got three kids, two jobs, one wife,
and zero seconds of free time.
Adult friends are for rich people.
Oh, come on.
You've got plenty of friends.
Well, what about--
Well, have fun at work, sweetie.
You didn't get robbed.
You got a seat on the bus, and the driver
gave you a lollipop?
- Weird, right? - Weird great.
When you're with Drew, you get trickle-down popularity.
His trickles are all over you.
I don't want his trickles if it means
I'm just known as "Drew's brother."
Look, it's already happening, and we gotta reap the benefits.
I guess if people see me with him,
they'll think I'm cool too.
Exactly.
People will think we're cool too.
'Sup, girl?
I'm Drew's brother's brother from another mother.
Hmm.
Before there was "American Ninja Warrior,"
my dad was the American no-time-for-friends warrior.
He dodged situations that could lead to friendship
like Wesley Snipes dodged taxes.
Morning, Julius.
My one-man show "The Great Fatsby" is this weekend.
I'd love for you to come!
Did you hear?
My doctor said the leaking is totally normal.
Julius, I need your help.
I just backed my truck into one of our co--
Howdy.
Damn it! - Uh-oh.
- Who are you? - The name's Romeo.
First day.
Yeah, you know, uh, bosses said it'll take a week
to get my truck ready and, uh, to, uh,
tack on my deliveries onto yours.
Heh. Yeah.
Okay.
Hey. I was just looking for you.
Wanna go on a date with us? - Date?
Yes!
Oh, God, I never thought this would happen for me.
We meant with Drew.
Cool. Sounds like fun.
But you can come, too...
Drew's brother.
Greg was right.
Even if it meant being stuck in Drew's shadow
and seen as Drew's brother, I didn't care,
because Drew's brother had a date.
Well, Drew had it, but I'd be there,
and he can't multitask.
If I don't get inside, Mama's gonna kill me,
Mr. Omar's gonna have to plan my funeral.
Mr. Omar!
That's it! - W--what's it?
What did you find? - Oh, hey, Kill Moves.
I figured out how to get into the apartment
before Mama's done with her errands.
And I just remembered Mr. Omar always comes home
at 3:15 to console a widow.
Excuse me.
I'm being summoned by my dark lord.
Thanks, Mr. Omar.
See you tomorrow at 3:15.
Actually, Miss Tonya, no, you will not.
I'll be at a casket convention in Atlantic City.
Tragic!
Atlantic City? What?
Come on, sweet cheeks.
Let's fill that hole in your heart.
How was your day, baby?
Informative.
I watched a Sally Jessy episode about how men can get pregnant;
they just choose not to.
That's great.
Oh, God, am I pregnant? We can't afford a new baby.
We can't afford our old babies!
Julius, calm down.
I wanna hear about your day.
Oh. I had coffee, ate half a donut.
Shared my truck with a guy named Romeo,
ate the other half of the donut.
Hold up.
You have a truck buddy?
That's great, baby.
What's he like? What y'all talk about?
Uh...
Julius, that poor man didn't ask to be stuck with you.
The least you could do is be nice to him.
The least you can do is let me sleep.
Sally Jessy also said men who sass their wives
mysteriously disappear.
See you in the morning.
Maybe. - Eep.
Where's that damn spare key?
Tonya, what are you doing?
Nothing, Mama.
I thought you were out. What are you doing?
Walking around in my house.
Ooh, I'm glad you haven't left for school yet.
Come here.
This meat needs to thaw before dinner.
I have a hair appointment this afternoon,
so I need you to put it in the oven
right when you get home at 2:30 and not a minute after.
The second worst thing after a burglar
is salmonella, the burglars of meat.
Yes, Mama.
Crap.
Now how am I gonna get in today?
The window.
Tonya, this is why you're everyone's favorite.
Phil Hartman might be the funniest
"SNL" cast member right now. - What?
Eddie Murphy's the all-time best
for that James Brown sketch alone.
Uh, good God!
Eddie Murphy is the all-time best
for that James Brown sketch alone.
Uh, that's what I just said.
Hello? Can you guys hear me?
By being in Drew's shadow,
I ended up with no identity at all.
I was like the Asian dude in Black Eyed Peas.
Hey, Drew.
Where's Drew's brother?
Brandy! I'm right here!
Yeah, I haven't seen Drew's brother all day.
Hello.
Drew's brother, right behind you.
Mm, that's too bad.
I was gonna let him take me out and pay for everything,
but for some reason, I just don't
feel like using him anymore.
No!
Morning, Julius.
Ah.
both: Coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.
Huh.
We're cream brothers.
Ew.
The least you can do is be nice.
Don't you stir me away, Ju--
Romeo, uh, if you get a coffee when they restock,
you can take a few extra Styrofoam cups.
Never mind.
You know, um, if you come between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,
you can take the day-old donuts before they're trashed.
I'm pretty cheap.
Me too.
You ever made your own toothbrush?
Why?
I got a perfectly good one right here.
Damn.
Greg, can you see me?
Yes.
Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?
Because no one else can. Wait.
Maybe you can see me
because you're an even bigger loser than I am.
Yeah, exactly. Wait, I don't want that.
Being Drew's brother has made me a nobody,
and I need to figure out how to get out of his shadow.
Okay, but would you rather go back to being
a skinny nerd that everyone hates?
What? No. Both are terrible options.
I wanna have my own cool thing.
That day I tried anything and everything
to create a new identity.
Backpack in front guy!
No.
Literal class clown guy.
- No. - Damn it.
Antihero teen heartthrob guy.
- No one's gonna buy that. - Hey, guys. What's up?
Oh, good God!
Chris, that was dope.
You guys, check this out.
Uh...
It's too hot in the hot tub.
Eddie Murphy?
That's funny.
Hey, you're really good at that.
Wow, you did it.
You're out of Drew's shadow,
and you found your own personality.
Doing an impression of a guy
doing an impression of another guy.
If there's a burglar, I'll cut your burgling hands.
That's what I thought.
Our next guests are the four elderly prostitutes
who inspired "Golden Girls."
What are you doing home?
I finished my deliveries early,
and I've wanted to nap before going back.
How nice.
Did a certain new friend have something to do with it?
He might have.
Just say I was right, Julius.
Of course you were right.
Romeo and I actually have a lot in common.
In fact, we're getting dinner.
Oh, that's great, baby,
especially 'cause now I don't have to go.
I bet his wife would be happy to have a night
to herself too. - Oh, no wife.
He's single. - Nope.
Can't ever see him again.
Rochelle, you can't tell me who I can and can't see.
Julius, single men his age are trouble.
They go to strip clubs, have weird pets.
Their lips are always chapped.
Rochelle, that's crazy.
Let me guess-- that's what Sally said?
You gotta watch something else.
She said you would say that.
I think you're overreacting.
Look at that.
Nap time's over. Back to work.
Oh.
My man works so hard,
and I wish I hadn't pushed him to make friends.
Now he has no jobs, two wives, and six kids.
To think this wouldn't have happened
if you let your man live his life, Rochelle.
You don't know me, Sally.
I'm done.
Chris, I heard you do a good Eddie Murphy.
I love him.
He's the right kinda you people.
Stand up and let me see it.
Okay.
If you insist.
Do you think we got a pop quiz?
Ah, ah. I think we got a pop quiz.
Good God! Hey!
Ow. - You're not funny.
The only reason people are laughing
is 'cause Drew told them to.
You suck, James Black.
That's funny?
What the hell?
It's closed!
Oh, no.
The meat burglars.
all:
Salmonella! Salmonella!
If that salmonella don't kill me, my mama will.
Did you tell people to laugh at my impressions?
Yeah. What's the big deal?
Do you know how that feels?
The big deal is that it's embarrassing.
Well, Mom asked me to look out for you, so...
But I'm your older brother.
I'm the one who's supposed to be looking out for you.
How could you look out for me?
Hey!
As Sensei Jason says, hugs before shoves,
but shoves deserve shoves.
crowd: Drew! Drew! Drew!
I hate going to school with you.
You ripped my favorite shirt.
Oh, that was an accident.
Ah!
If that kick had been one inch lower,
I wouldn't have kids.
I'm so busted.
What you doing, little unfunny dude
from across the street sister?
I lost my house key and can't get back in.
My parents are gonna be pissed.
No problem, shorty.
I got you.
Jerome!
You broke our window!
You're welcome.
This isn't the last of us!
Now, how do I blame this on Chris?
Hey-hey, Big J. Ah, excited for tonight.
You know, your, uh-- your boy here
doesn't go out to restaurants that much.
You're married to your job.
Hell, I would be, too, if I hadn't
already married Rochelle.
No, because I just eat at the strip club.
Oh.
Speaking of, let me say thanks
for dinner by taking you to dessert at, uh,
Jiggle 'n Juice.
Uh, I don't know.
Come on, they have unlimited breasts and thighs.
And chicken.
The cover is 50 bucks,
but you get ten minutes in the Rosé Room.
$50?
I thought you said you were cheap.
I am--so I can spend money on my true passions.
Strippers, sparkling wine, and my jaguar.
You drive a Jaguar?
No! The animal.
Ah, not supposed to have it in my apartment, but, God,
he's barely attacked anyone but me.
Whoa. Ugh.
Romeo, I'm a family man.
So, sadly, I'm gonna have to take
a forever rain check on all that.
Guess we can, uh, only be work friends, then, huh?
Uh, I should go see if my truck's ready.
Hey, we'll always have
coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.
Yeah.
Hey, Marquis!
See you at the Jiggle?
Hmm, what happened to Drew's shirt?
And why are you holding your nuts?
Uh, Drew and I got into a fight about--
oh, never mind.
It's none of your business.
Boys, groceries!
I envy you boys.
It's hard making new friends.
The older you get, the less in common you have with folks.
All the friends I had when I was younger are gone.
Some moved, some died, some became cops.
You boys are lucky you have each other.
A brother's someone you always have time for.
He's a built-in friend.
Like you and Uncle Louis?
No. That chiropractor show-off.
He can rot in fake doctor hell,
right next to the podiatrists and dentists.
Okay, my bad. Jeez.
Boys, go wash up for dinner.
I'll help your dad with the rest.
Did you say something to Dad, you narc?
No.
He's probably just reflecting on his day, fool.
Hey, baby.
- You were right. - I know.
About what?
Let's just say me and Romeo
are only gonna be work friends.
I guess I won't be using this.
Pfft. You think we're rich?
We can't waste a coupon.
Date night? - Ah.
Dinner with my best friend and wife?
Best two-for-one there is.
He had a pet tiger, didn't he?
- Nope. - Panther?
Leopard. Snow leopard.
Aw, thanks for helping.
It's nice to be able to rely on you.
Oh, Mama, if only you could.
I--I feel awful, Mama. Awful.
I had to break a window to get in and--
You what?
Drew and Chris got into a fight,
and the thought of my brothers fighting
broke my heart so much that I forgot where I put my key,
and I got locked out.
Oh, baby, it's okay.
Go ask Daddy, and he'll get you another key.
Tonya got away with it again.
But I got her back on her wedding day.
I upstaged her by just showing up.
Excuse me.
I need to deal with your brothers.
So, uh, is your shirt ripped that bad?
Nah. I'm sure Mom could fix it.
Are your, you know, okay?
I don't know yet.
It's like they're morphed into one.
We admitted respect for each other
the way every man does with his friends,
by not admitting a damn thing.
You were fighting?
I told both of you to stick together
so you wouldn't get in trouble and--
both: It's my fault.
So if you're gonna punish us...
You'll have to punish both of us.
Sticking together now, huh?
Well, I'm glad my boys are friends.
But that ain't how this works.
Chris, you're the oldest,
and you should set a better example for your brother.
You know better.
Drew, leave us.
I'm gonna slap you into next Tuesday.
Well, Sally, I was just sitting there
on a random Tuesday,
and then this other Chris showed up.
But there can be only one.
singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪