- The 1980s was all about
"The Sally Jessy Raphael Show."
She was a white lady with three names,
two shoulder pads, and one concept--
worrying people about nothing.
Bye, Mom. - Okay.
Be safe out there, Drew, Chris, or Tonya.
- Up next, we're gonna discuss
the dangers of brothers who aren't friends.
[audience murmuring]
- [gasps]
- Distant siblings today,
crackheads and murderers tomorrow.
- Why aren't you and Drew going to school together?
- Uh, we don't really hang out there.
[funky music]
[laughter]
- What? Y'all ain't friends at school?
Do you want him to be a crackhead murderer?
- No?
- You and your brother should be inseparable,
like best friends. - [sighs]
- I don't want him ending up in the wrong crowd.
You better stick to each other like Cain and Abel.
- She just read "The Bible for Dummies."
Why? Drew's friends are harmless.
Most of them belong to a dojo.
- Dojo one day, white blow the next.
It's your job to look out for him.
And if you don't, you're gonna have to look out for this.
[suspenseful musical sting]
[upbeat hip-hop music]
- [panting] Drew! Wait.
Wouldn't it be fun if you rode the bus today with me?
Please?
- Mm, okay, sure.
Go on without me.
all: Aw.
- This is the worst day of my life.
- [sighs] Crap.
Jerome's out on the stoop today.
- What's up, little dude from across the street?
Let me hold a dollar.
[ethereal choral vocalization]
Oh, my Black Jesus.
Let me give you a dollar.
- Uh? - Thanks.
This will replace the one I lost doing magic.
- And here's a little something for you, Drew's brother.
- Ow. What the f-- [bus horn honks]
Shoot. [honking continues]
♪ ♪
- [growls]
No seats.
- Here you go, Drew.
Take mine.
- [grunts]
Here, Drew.
Please, sit.
- Whoo!
- Next, Nancy Reagan shows us how to give the perfect--
- Tonya, don't go yet.
Now that Drew is going to Chris's school,
you'll be the first one home every day.
So we've decided you're ready for your own key.
- [gasps]
[dramatic electronic music]
By the power of this key,
I am a grown-up!
- I can't believe it. [sniffles]
My little girl's a latchkey kid.
- Finally.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Hold on. This is a big responsibility.
We're trusting you to let yourself in
and mind the house alone.
- Don't flash the key around, don't let anyone in,
and keep all the windows and doors locked.
- You think burglars don't know how to climb?
Their hands are good for two things--
climbing and burglaring.
Okay, get going. Love you, baby.
- [humming]
Ah! - [grunts]
- Son of a bitch.
- And now we're gonna hear from a parent
whose son chased a slinky off a bridge.
- Rochelle, guess what I got.
- I know what you got. It got me three kids.
- No.
It's a two-for-one coupon for that seafood place
that also plays baseball games.
Catch of the Day.
Let's do a date night there.
- I'm not going to no seafood restaurant.
Sally Jessy did an episode where
a beautiful, hardworking mother of three ate fish,
and do you know what happened?
- She thanked her husband for dinner?
- She got gills, Julius.
You won't catch me eating no fish ever again.
Why don't you take one of your friends?
- Friends?
I got three kids, two jobs, one wife,
and zero seconds of free time.
Adult friends are for rich people.
- Oh, come on.
You've got plenty of friends.
Well, what about--
[wind whistling] [bird screeches]
Well, have fun at work, sweetie.
♪ ♪
- You didn't get robbed.
You got a seat on the bus, and the driver
gave you a lollipop?
- Weird, right? - Weird great.
When you're with Drew, you get trickle-down popularity.
His trickles are all over you.
- I don't want his trickles if it means
I'm just known as "Drew's brother."
- Look, it's already happening, and we gotta reap the benefits.
- [sighs]
I guess if people see me with him,
they'll think I'm cool too.
- Exactly.
People will think we're cool too.
'Sup, girl?
I'm Drew's brother's brother from another mother.
- [giggles]
- Hmm.
Before there was "American Ninja Warrior,"
my dad was the American no-time-for-friends warrior.
[adventurous music]
♪ ♪
He dodged situations that could lead to friendship
like Wesley Snipes dodged taxes.
- Morning, Julius.
My one-man show "The Great Fatsby" is this weekend.
- [imitates plane humming]
- I'd love for you to come!
- [grunting]
- Did you hear?
My doctor said the leaking is totally normal.
[muffled grunting] - Julius, I need your help.
I just backed my truck into one of our co--
- [grunts]
[grunts]
- Howdy. - [yelps]
Damn it! - Uh-oh.
- Who are you? - The name's Romeo.
First day. [chuckles]
Yeah, you know, uh, bosses said it'll take a week
to get my truck ready and, uh, to, uh,
tack on my deliveries onto yours.
Heh. Yeah.
[nervous chuckle]
[engine turns over]
Okay.
- Hey. I was just looking for you.
Wanna go on a date with us? - Date?
Yes!
Oh, God, I never thought this would happen for me.
- We meant with Drew.
- Cool. Sounds like fun.
- But you can come, too...
[voice echoing] Drew's brother.
[dramatic music]
- Greg was right.
Even if it meant being stuck in Drew's shadow
and seen as Drew's brother, I didn't care,
because Drew's brother had a date.
Well, Drew had it, but I'd be there,
and he can't multitask.
- [whimpers]
If I don't get inside, Mama's gonna kill me,
Mr. Omar's gonna have to plan my funeral.
[gasps] Mr. Omar!
That's it! - W--what's it?
What did you find? - Oh, hey, Kill Moves.
I figured out how to get into the apartment
before Mama's done with her errands.
And I just remembered Mr. Omar always comes home
at 3:15 to console a widow.
- Excuse me.
I'm being summoned by my dark lord.
[laughs]
- Thanks, Mr. Omar.
See you tomorrow at 3:15.
- Actually, Miss Tonya, no, you will not.
I'll be at a casket convention in Atlantic City.
Tragic!
- [chuckles nervously]
Atlantic City? What?
- Come on, sweet cheeks.
Let's fill that hole in your heart.
- [giggles]
- [groans]
[dog barking]
- How was your day, baby?
- Informative.
I watched a Sally Jessy episode about how men can get pregnant;
they just choose not to.
- That's great. [exhales]
Oh, God, am I pregnant? We can't afford a new baby.
We can't afford our old babies!
- Julius, calm down.
I wanna hear about your day.
- Oh. I had coffee, ate half a donut.
[grunts]
Shared my truck with a guy named Romeo,
ate the other half of the donut.
[snores]
- Hold up. - [yelps]
- You have a truck buddy?
That's great, baby.
What's he like? What y'all talk about?
- Uh...
- [coughs]
- Julius, that poor man didn't ask to be stuck with you.
The least you could do is be nice to him.
- The least you can do is let me sleep.
- Sally Jessy also said men who sass their wives
mysteriously disappear.
See you in the morning.
Maybe. - Eep.
[switch clicks]
- Where's that damn spare key?
- Tonya, what are you doing?
- Nothing, Mama.
I thought you were out. What are you doing?
- Walking around in my house.
Ooh, I'm glad you haven't left for school yet.
Come here.
This meat needs to thaw before dinner.
I have a hair appointment this afternoon,
so I need you to put it in the oven
right when you get home at 2:30 and not a minute after.
The second worst thing after a burglar
is salmonella, the burglars of meat.
- Yes, Mama.
Crap.
Now how am I gonna get in today?
[gasps]
The window.
[furtive music]
Tonya, this is why you're everyone's favorite.
- Phil Hartman might be the funniest
"SNL" cast member right now. - What?
Eddie Murphy's the all-time best
for that James Brown sketch alone.
[as Eddie Murphy] Uh, good God!
- Eddie Murphy is the all-time best
for that James Brown sketch alone.
- Uh, that's what I just said.
Hello? Can you guys hear me?
By being in Drew's shadow,
I ended up with no identity at all.
I was like the Asian dude in Black Eyed Peas.
- Hey, Drew.
Where's Drew's brother?
- Brandy! I'm right here!
- Yeah, I haven't seen Drew's brother all day.
- Hello.
Drew's brother, right behind you.
- Mm, that's too bad.
I was gonna let him take me out and pay for everything,
but for some reason, I just don't
feel like using him anymore.
- No!
- [grunts]
Morning, Julius.
- Ah.
both: Coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.
- Huh.
- [chuckles] We're cream brothers.
- Ew.
- The least you can do is be nice.
Don't you stir me away, Ju--
[burbling]
- Romeo, uh, if you get a coffee when they restock,
you can take a few extra Styrofoam cups.
Never mind.
- You know, um, if you come between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,
you can take the day-old donuts before they're trashed.
I'm pretty cheap.
- Me too.
- You ever made your own toothbrush?
- Why?
I got a perfectly good one right here.
- Damn.
[school bell rings]
- Greg, can you see me?
- Yes.
Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?
- Because no one else can. Wait.
Maybe you can see me
because you're an even bigger loser than I am.
- Yeah, exactly. Wait, I don't want that.
- Being Drew's brother has made me a nobody,
and I need to figure out how to get out of his shadow.
- Okay, but would you rather go back to being
a skinny nerd that everyone hates?
- What? No. Both are terrible options.
I wanna have my own cool thing.
That day I tried anything and everything
to create a new identity.
Backpack in front guy!
- No.
- Literal class clown guy.
- No. - Damn it.
Antihero teen heartthrob guy.
- No one's gonna buy that. - Hey, guys. What's up?
- [as Eddie Murphy] Oh, good God!
- [chuckles] Chris, that was dope.
You guys, check this out.
- Uh...
[as Eddie Murphy] It's too hot in the hot tub.
[laughter] - Eddie Murphy?
- That's funny.
- Hey, you're really good at that.
- Wow, you did it.
You're out of Drew's shadow,
and you found your own personality.
Doing an impression of a guy
doing an impression of another guy.
[upbeat music]
- [gasps]
[tense music]
If there's a burglar, I'll cut your burgling hands.
♪ ♪
[music stops]
That's what I thought.
- Our next guests are the four elderly prostitutes
who inspired "Golden Girls."
- What are you doing home?
- I finished my deliveries early,
and I've wanted to nap before going back.
- How nice.
Did a certain new friend have something to do with it?
- He might have.
- Just say I was right, Julius.
- Of course you were right.
Romeo and I actually have a lot in common.
In fact, we're getting dinner.
- Oh, that's great, baby,
especially 'cause now I don't have to go.
I bet his wife would be happy to have a night
to herself too. - Oh, no wife.
He's single. - Nope.
Can't ever see him again.
- Rochelle, you can't tell me who I can and can't see.
- Julius, single men his age are trouble.
They go to strip clubs, have weird pets.
Their lips are always chapped.
- Rochelle, that's crazy.
Let me guess-- that's what Sally said?
You gotta watch something else.
- She said you would say that.
- I think you're overreacting.
- [grunts] - Look at that.
Nap time's over. Back to work.
[door opens, closes]
- Oh.
- My man works so hard,
and I wish I hadn't pushed him to make friends.
Now he has no jobs, two wives, and six kids.
[audience gasps]
- To think this wouldn't have happened
if you let your man live his life, Rochelle.
[dramatic tone]
- You don't know me, Sally.
I'm done.
- Chris, I heard you do a good Eddie Murphy.
I love him.
He's the right kinda you people.
Stand up and let me see it.
- Okay.
If you insist.
[as Eddie Murphy] Do you think we got a pop quiz?
Ah, ah. I think we got a pop quiz.
Good God! Hey!
[laughter]
Ow. - You're not funny.
The only reason people are laughing
is 'cause Drew told them to.
You suck, James Black.
- [laughs]
- That's funny?
- [gasps] What the hell?
It's closed!
[gasps] Oh, no.
The meat burglars.
[unsettling music]
all: [yawning]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
Salmonella! Salmonella!
- If that salmonella don't kill me, my mama will.
- Did you tell people to laugh at my impressions?
- Yeah. What's the big deal?
- Do you know how that feels?
[somber organ music]
♪ ♪
The big deal is that it's embarrassing.
- Well, Mom asked me to look out for you, so...
- But I'm your older brother.
I'm the one who's supposed to be looking out for you.
- How could you look out for me?
[sinister music]
- [grunts]
- Hey!
As Sensei Jason says, hugs before shoves,
but shoves deserve shoves.
[both grunting]
crowd: [chanting] Drew! Drew! Drew!
- I hate going to school with you.
[grunts]
- [yelps] You ripped my favorite shirt.
[students gasp]
- [gasps] Oh, that was an accident.
- [growls]
- Ah!
If that kick had been one inch lower,
I wouldn't have kids.
[moans]
- I'm so busted.
- What you doing, little unfunny dude
from across the street sister?
- I lost my house key and can't get back in.
My parents are gonna be pissed.
- No problem, shorty.
I got you.
[grunts]
- [gasps] Jerome!
You broke our window!
- You're welcome.
[furtive music]
♪ ♪
[bacteria chattering]
[all screaming]
- This isn't the last of us!
[indistinct shouting]
[screaming]
- [exhales deeply]
Now, how do I blame this on Chris?
- Hey-hey, Big J. [chuckles] Ah, excited for tonight.
You know, your, uh-- your boy here
doesn't go out to restaurants that much.
- You're married to your job.
Hell, I would be, too, if I hadn't
already married Rochelle.
- No, because I just eat at the strip club.
- Oh.
- Speaking of, let me say thanks
for dinner by taking you to dessert at, uh,
Jiggle 'n Juice.
- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, they have unlimited breasts and thighs.
And chicken.
The cover is 50 bucks,
but you get ten minutes in the Rosé Room.
- $50?
I thought you said you were cheap.
- I am--so I can spend money on my true passions.
Strippers, sparkling wine, and my jaguar.
- You drive a Jaguar?
- No! The animal.
Ah, not supposed to have it in my apartment, but, God,
he's barely attacked anyone but me.
- Whoa. Ugh.
[sighs]
Romeo, I'm a family man.
So, sadly, I'm gonna have to take
a forever rain check on all that.
[soft R&B music]
- Guess we can, uh, only be work friends, then, huh?
♪ ♪
Uh, I should go see if my truck's ready.
- Hey, we'll always have
coffee, sugar, cream, cream, cream.
- Yeah.
Hey, Marquis!
See you at the Jiggle?
- [groans] - [mutters]
- Hmm, what happened to Drew's shirt?
And why are you holding your nuts?
- Uh, Drew and I got into a fight about--
oh, never mind.
It's none of your business.
- Boys, groceries! [car horn honks]
[sighs] I envy you boys.
It's hard making new friends.
The older you get, the less in common you have with folks.
All the friends I had when I was younger are gone.
Some moved, some died, some became cops.
You boys are lucky you have each other.
A brother's someone you always have time for.
He's a built-in friend.
- Like you and Uncle Louis?
- No. That chiropractor show-off.
He can rot in fake doctor hell,
right next to the podiatrists and dentists.
- Okay, my bad. Jeez.
- Boys, go wash up for dinner.
I'll help your dad with the rest.
- Did you say something to Dad, you narc?
- No.
He's probably just reflecting on his day, fool.
- Hey, baby.
- You were right. - I know.
About what?
- Let's just say me and Romeo
are only gonna be work friends.
[sighs] I guess I won't be using this.
- Pfft. You think we're rich?
We can't waste a coupon.
Date night? - Ah.
Dinner with my best friend and wife?
Best two-for-one there is.
- He had a pet tiger, didn't he?
- Nope. - Panther?
Leopard. Snow leopard.
- Aw, thanks for helping.
It's nice to be able to rely on you.
- Oh, Mama, if only you could.
I--I feel awful, Mama. Awful.
I had to break a window to get in and--
- You what?
- Drew and Chris got into a fight,
and the thought of my brothers fighting
broke my heart so much that I forgot where I put my key,
and I got locked out.
- Oh, baby, it's okay.
Go ask Daddy, and he'll get you another key.
- Tonya got away with it again.
But I got her back on her wedding day.
I upstaged her by just showing up.
- Excuse me.
I need to deal with your brothers.
[upbeat music]
- So, uh, is your shirt ripped that bad?
- Nah. I'm sure Mom could fix it.
Are your, you know, okay?
- I don't know yet.
It's like they're morphed into one.
We admitted respect for each other
the way every man does with his friends,
by not admitting a damn thing.
[sinister music]
- You were fighting?
I told both of you to stick together
so you wouldn't get in trouble and--
both: It's my fault.
- So if you're gonna punish us...
- You'll have to punish both of us.
- Sticking together now, huh?
Well, I'm glad my boys are friends.
- [sighs]
- But that ain't how this works.
Chris, you're the oldest,
and you should set a better example for your brother.
You know better.
Drew, leave us.
I'm gonna slap you into next Tuesday.
- Well, Sally, I was just sitting there
on a random Tuesday,
and then this other Chris showed up.
But there can be only one. - [gasps]
singers: ♪ Everybody still hates Chris ♪
[vocalizing]
[indistinct chatter]
[crunching, chewing]
[bat cracks, crowd cheers]
[soft upbeat music]
[crunching, scratching]
[squelching]