[electricity crackling]
[Diane] As that cold bitch winter bids us adieu,
Chicago emerges from its hibernation to celebrate the holiest day of the year.
St. Patrick's Day!
Each year we dye our river green and throw a legendary parade!
And you can always find me at the O'Malley's Whiskey Float.
It's the highlight of my year!
I've never made it on the float per se.
That honor is reserved by the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen,
a title currently held by Chicago's own Molly Lahey.
She spoke only Gaelic until she was nine.
There is no higher honor than to be the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
Anyhoo, tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day,
and I'm gonna be at that float partying my frickin' Blarney Stones off!
Enough! Stop!
Ms. Dunbrowski,
I simply need an answer, guilty or not guilty.
[chuckles] Unless getting drunk
and taking a Segway for a joyride through Millennium Park
and crashing into the Bean is a crime…
It's five crimes.
I'm ordering you to wear a sobriety bracelet.
You will need to blow into it whenever prompted.
Failure to do so will lead to your arrest and jail time.
You will wear it for one month.
A month?
Okay, like I said, tomorrow's obviously out.
Then we got baseball season, summer--
It starts now.
[ominous music plays]
No!
[theme music playing]
No!
What's wrong?
I'm still pissed about not being able to go the parade!
Here, swallow this key.
No. I never passed the last one!
[automated voice] It is time for your court-ordered sobriety test.
Blow into the tube.
Stupid thing bossing me around!
[blowing]
Well, you can still go down to the parade and just not drink.
Oh, yeah, and I can just fly down there using the tiny wings on my back.
Come on, man! It's impossible to stay sober at that parade!
But if you drink, you go to jail.
I know, so I'm benching myself.
Gonna just eat these boxes of Entenmann's
and have a little me time with Hill Street Blues.
At least you don't have to work today.
I have to go pass out samples with Feather.
God, he is such an amazing combination of boring and annoying.
Yeah. He is kind of like your dad.
I didn't say that.
Hey, before you go, could you grab me a beer?
You can't drink.
Damn it! Narc!
Oh, hm!
We got to switch back to skim. This 2% is too sweet.
Dr. Perillo said I need to up my dairy fats
until my ovulation gets back on sync.
[gasps] Speaking of which, today's the day.
Positive sign, come on down!
You're the next contestant on--
-Stop. Stop it. -Sorry.
[suspenseful music plays]
Shoot. I must have been ovulating on Thursday,
when I was at Rachel's Scents & Snacks party.
I felt my body temp rise,
but Rachel said it was just the Cinnamon Storm candle. Idiot.
[smacks lips] I'm so sorry, Bonbon.
So, does this mean I'm going to go meet up with my online golf buddies at the parade?
Duh. I won't need you for another month now.
Oh, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just annoyed.
Oh, yeah? Well, does this hat make you less annoyed?
Nope, quite the opposite.
Okay.
Well, if you need me, I'll be with the "Double Bogies."
[music playing over TV]
I think you're gonna have to frisk me, Lieutenant Buntz.
I've been a bad--
We've got a spooky one tonight.
What? No!
Someone taped Svengoolie over my spank tape.
Eh.
[ringing and vibrating]
-What? -Diane! It's Hank Buckley.
Handsome Hank?
Diane, I'm having a bit of an emergency here.
We just found out Molly Lahey is having a gout flare-up and can't even stand.
I was actually hoping that, uh, you could take her place?
No one would be better
at keeping the party alive and slamming back those shots, right?
Me? The O'Malley's Whiskey Float Queen?
-[automated voice] Blow into the tube. -[Hank] What was that?
My court brace--
I mean, my neighbor!
Courtney… Bracelet!
[Hank] So, what do you say, Diane? It's what you always wanted.
[upbeat Irish music playing]
[automated voice] Repeat. Blow into the tube.
You can count on me, Hank!
See ya in a few, ya friggin' hunk of corned beef.
[Feather] Activated charcoal recovery bar!
They're nutritious and delicious!
Hey, Feather. How's it going?
-Great! Gah! -[man] These suck!
That hasn't happened too much.
I will say, though, this crowd isn't for me.
A lot of cultural misappropriation going on…
Free whiskey!
[crowd cheering]
Um, I think everyone's just having fun.
You know what's fun, Daniel? Good nutrition!
[clatters]
[man] Whoa! This dude pissed himself.
[man laughs]
Joke's on you, sir.
My hemp underwear will be dry in a matter of hours.
Tin, you're my only sober friend. I'm desperate and I need you right now.
Girl, I've been waiting for this day.
I've watched you hover around rock bottom for years.
I've talked about you in meetings. I am here for you.
Great! I need you to blow into this breathalyzer
so I can get lit and be the O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
God, grant me the serenity
not to smack my friend upside the head right now.
Tina! I am not being overly dramatic
when I say this will literally complete me as a person.
Diane, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
And I used to date a magician.
[sighs]
[in singsong] Gideon…
Uh-huh. No, no, no.
I don't want any part of your childish games.
[gasps] Childish!
That's it!
I can ask my child, Mikey!
Thanks, Gideon!
Don't thank me.
-It assumes complicity. -[door closes]
[sings Cranberries' "Dreams" drunkenly]
♪ Oh, my dreams ♪
♪ Never quite as it seems, never quite-- ♪
[gasps]
[screaming loudly] Mark!
-[woman] This is so much fun! -[sighs]
Activated charcoal bar?
You can barely taste the charcoal.
Terry? Holy shit, it is you!
Oh, no. His name's Feather.
[Todd] Feather? [laughs]
No, this is Terry Dookindarf.
This guy was a beast. The Lion of LaSalle Street.
[chuckles] I'm not the Lion anymore.
Terry could out-party anyone at the Board of Trade.
I've seen him take down three eight balls by himself in one night.
-I don't play pool. Is that good? -What's with the hair?
-[Feather] No, please! -[gasps]
You wear a wig?
Oh, wow! Sorry, man!
We're heading to McDougal's, you should come with.
No, I-I can't. We're working.
[man] This charcoal tastes like ass!
Oh, okay… we'll see you later, Terry.
Uh, you mean "Feather." [laughs]
[Alex] I know, right?
Goddammit! I'm a fraud, Daniel!
Hey, man, forget those guys.
We all have a past.
I used to tell people I was straight.
Well, I used to know how to have fun.
Now look at me.
Passing out blocks of charcoal at a liquor parade.
Feather, you can still have fun and be true to the person you are now.
You know what? You're right!
Freak these crummy bars. They do taste like ass.
Let's take a shot.
Oh. Okay. Cool.
Ow!
Terry loves his whiskey.
You want to grab a beer? My treat.
Okay, where should we go?
I know a place.
Holy shamrock.
Now I know how the Egyptians felt when they discovered the pyramids.
Hi, you must be Diane.
So, the float's about to start rolling.
We got a porta-potty on board, but no number twos.
Here's the ceremonial glass you'll do the first shot out of.
Great!
Just waiting on my plus-size one.
I mean, my plus-one.
Ma? Ma!
Mikey, thank God! My sober blower.
I got you, Ma. [belches]
Oh, that reeks!
Have you been drinking today?
No! Oh, wait!
I'm probably still drunk from last night!
All right, now who's ready to get this O'Malley's Float started?
-[crowd cheering] -[automated voice] Blow into the tube.
-[blows] -[beeps]
There she is! This year's Queen.
I can't wait to see what's under that dress later on.
Ew! Back off, rat man!
Diane, i-it's me. Hank Buckley.
[ominous music playing]
Hunky Hank?
Oh my God!
What happened to your face and body?
Was there an accident?
[laughs] No accident.
I did finally get that pesky back brace off.
-Thanks for noticing. -Yeah…
We got ten city blocks of partying ahead of us and then you're coronated.
If all goes well, maybe I'll tell Molly Lahey
we have a new permanent Queen in town.
Holy crap, I can't believe that's Hunky Hank.
I must've had major beer blinders on during our make-out seshes.
I don't wanna hear about that, Ma.
Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses and let's get started.
[crowd cheering]
Mikey, quick.
Go make a big distraction. Get their eyes off me.
-Ten-four, Ma. -[glass shatters]
Please forgive me, Lord.
LeBron James is the greatest basketball player of all time!
[distorted record sound]
[angry clamor]
-[man] It's MJ! -[clamoring continues]
[woman] Jordan's the best!
Please, go, go, go!
[mob] Get him!
Hey! Let's frickin' party!
-[traditional Irish music plays] -[crowd cheering]
It's so funny, Feather.
I can't imagine you hanging out here.
Are you kidding me? I used to own this place.
Cindy!
-It's Rachel. -Rachel!
Four shots of Jameson, two Jägers, and four Irish car bombs.
That's… a lot. [chuckles]
Correction. That's a start.
[upbeat Irish music continues]
Woo-hoo!
Terry's having fun now!
Hey! Skinny Joe still hang around here?
Yeah, you know where to find him.
I'll be honest.
I was kind of bummed to have to work today,
but this is awesome!
Yeah… Uh, what? Uh, I'm gonna go do a bump.
I mean, I gotta pee.
Okay, more for me.
I don't know why you aren't picking up, Mark,
but the test was positive.
We have a very short window to have S-E-X.
I'm coming to you.
-[beep] -I'm the same way.
When I need it, I need it, you know?
Can you turn on the radio, please?
-[man] All right! -[woman] Happy St. Patrick's Day!
-[man] Keep them coming! -[woman] Shot!
-Do a shot with us, Queen! -Stop fucking enabling me!
I mean, not quite yet, sweetie.
Gotta pace myself, ya know?
Everything okay, Diane?
I'm a little light-headed
from all the drinks I've definitely been drinking.
Here. Let's get some food in you.
Oh my God! I fricking love Irish nachos.
Ugh!
The corned beef has gone bad!
Do not eat the nachos!
-I was eating those! -[man] My church pants!
These are delicious. What's wrong with you?
I-I don't know.
For some reason, they just taste very different.
Uh…
Hey, let's pump up the tunes!
-[pumps up volume] -Yeah!
-[crowd cheering]
Let's rock!
Come on, everybody!
[festive Irish music playing]
Find that groove!
You first!
[laughing]
You suck!
[beeping]
Yeah, I'm gonna run to the little lasses' room real quick.
-[beeping] -[automated voice] Blow into the tube.
-[blows] -[beep]
[phone ringing]
Diane, I already told you. I ain't covering your drunk ass.
I'm not drunk!
-I'm sober! -Keep talking.
Food tastes weird, Hank's a mole man.
My dancing is stiffer than Zuzana's perm.
[inhales]
[coughs]
And cigarettes are gross!
Your body is adjusting to life without alcohol
and your senses are sharpening.
It's 11:00 a.m., by the way,
so not drinking shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Just tell me how to get through this sober.
Okay. Tell me where you are right now.
I'm in a porta-potty on a float holding in a deuce,
sucking on a CBD gummy.
Normally we'd call that "hitting rock bottom."
But with you, I'm not so sure.
[retching]
And the ironical thing is it was the best sex I ever had.
So now, I actually prefer a micropenis.
-Stop the cab! -[screeching]
Your stories are too personal.
Mark! Thank God. I'm ovulati--
Huh? Hey, pretty lady.
Damn it.
-[panting] -Uh?
[Bonnie] Ugh! Damn it!
-[man] He's rhyming! -[cheering]
When I was a wee lad of eight, my ma gave me a drink which was great.
I asked, "What is in this?"
She said, "It is Guinness."
And that sip is what sealed my fate.
[upbeat Irish music playing]
[crowd cheering]
Oh! I love this guy. I'm hammered.
If we run out of liquor, we know whose stomach to pump for more.
Yeah! Let's get another rhyme going for my little leprechaun here.
[crowd groans]
The feck did you just call me?
Oh, no.
I know you're not literally a leprechaun,
but you gotta admit.
The outfit, the little jig dancing.
The limericks.
I want to, like, hire you for parties.
Who are you? I'm literally obsessed.
Name's Jim McDougal.
And you're in my feckin' bar and nobody, and I mean nobody,
calls me a fecking leprechaun.
Oh, boy.
Tina. What do I do?
Just get out of there.
-[knocking] -[Hank] Diane, it's crowning time.
No, I'm just going number one. I swear!
[Hank] I mean out here. Come on!
"Absotutely". Just gotta… uh, wipe good.
Tina, if I don't go out there and do a shot in front of these people,
then I'm not the queen.
Real queens own their shit.
And as long as you're authentic,
people won't care if you're drinking or not.
It's the bravest thing you can do
and you have never
not been your authentic self.
So, go out there and show everyone what my sober boss bitch can throw down.
Tina, you're my fricking homegirl.
Don't say "homegirl." Just say girl.
Copy that.
And this isn't a feckin' costume.
These clothes were handed down to me from my da and his da before him.
Daniel. I-I need 20 bucks and a key with a good groove in it.
Terry feckin' Dookindarf!
Now, you got some nerve
showing your face around here after all these years.
You've got eight grand on your bar tab,
and today, you are fecking paying it.
-We should probably go. -Daniel, stay calm. I got this.
Fuck you, you short little shit!
You got receipts?
-If not, you can suck my big fucking dick! -[crowd gasps]
Maybe we settle this the old way.
Oh, I've been waiting to beat your ass for years, you tiny bitch.
Not tiny, normal size.
I'm not fighting you, me son is.
Seamus? He's 13. I'll kick his fucking ass.
Seamus!
[ominous music playing]
[crowd] Ooh!
[crowd murmuring]
[folk Irish music playing]
Yeah!
Oh, shit! He's, like, 21 now.
I forgot about the passage of time.
So, without further ado,
let us raise a glass and crown this year's O'Malley's Whiskey Queen.
Big smile, big sip.
Then the crown is yours.
Ugh.
Whoo!
How's everybody doing?
Yeah! Everyone raise their glass
-and share a toast to O'Malley's, -[crowd cheering]
which I will not be drinking today.
-Say what? -Are you serious?
Don't get me wrong, I want you all to drink,
but I'm actually sober.
It's not normally who I am.
But today, it actually is who I am.
And I'm okay with that because I am enough
and I don't need alcohol to be the Whiskey Queen.
Am I right?
[crowd booing]
[woman] You're not right at all. You suck, lady.
-Hey! Whoa! Jeez! -[glass shatters]
[man] Her not drinking makes me feel bad about myself!
-[engine starts] -[screeching]
[yelps]
[Diane] Oh, no!
-[thud] -[crowd cheering]
[Diane] For the love-- They said no number twos in here!
[phone ringing]
-[Diane] Tina! -Hey, how'd it go?
-Well, I was honest. -Good.
And they threw me off the float.
But you did it. You should feel good about that.
Well, I don't.
Stop throwing things at me, you drunk fools!
Turns out, me being sober is no use to anyone.
At this point, I might as well just go get drunk.
-Hey, watch it! -[glass shatters]
[Tina] Diane, remember,
if you drink, you'll go to jail.
-[cracks] -[Diane gasps]
Aah!
Di-- Diane? Hello? Diane?
-Goddammit. -[beep]
[glass shatters]
What is wrong with you people?!
Ugh!
-[groans] -[chilling sting]
Get… outta my way!
[terrifying music playing]
Goddamn!
-[groaning] -[Diane] Ugh!
Watch it! Ah!
Bonnie?!
[Diane] Over here!
[drunkenly] Need to find Mark. We gotta… fuck.
My God!
Literally every person in the city is drunk except me!
-This is a nightmare! -[chuckling drunkenly]
[retching]
[screams]
Sorry. Happy Irish.
Aah!
[gasping]
Free whiskey!
-[beeping] -[automated voice] Blow into the tube.
Free whiskey!
Fuck off, Mr. Roboto.
[Daniel] Are you sure about this, Feather?
That guy looks… terrifying.
What? Him? Those are glamour muscles.
-[thud] -[grunts]
And that's glamour steel.
Okay, I'm gonna hit the head again.
You hold these, and don't let that Irish pussy go anywhere.
It's go time. Where is he?
Bathroom. Should be back in a few--
-[door opens] -Hm.
Oh, no.
Feckin' coward. Looks like you're up, lad.
Wait. What?
-New fighter! -[crowd cheering]
[chanting] New fighter! New fighter! New fighter!
-[rumbling] -[hissing]
Okay, if you don't want me to drink, show me a sign.
[crowd chanting] New fighter! New fighter! New fighter!
[ominous music playing]
[fighting bell ringing]
-What the--? Ugh! -[glass shatters]
-[squeaking] -[hissing]
[sniffs, yelps]
[tense music playing]
Place your bets!
The lad's going off of ten grand to one.
Please. I can't do this. I've never been in a fight,
unless you count stage combat class.
And I got a C!
You shoulda thought about that before you ran your mouth
and called me the L word.
I didn't call you a lesbian!
Leprechaun!
Oh. See, L word usually implies lesbian.
There was a whole show…
[silence]
Doesn't matter. Please stop.
[fighting bell rings]
You're dead, boy-o.
[Diane] Stop the fight!
-Move it, move it! -[crowd gasps]
Aunt Diane? Help me! I'm drunk.
Who the feck are you?
I'm his aunt, and I'm shuttin' this shit down.
Take those gloves off, kiddo.
-I can't, they taped me into them! -[Jim] The gloves stay on.
Bets are laid.
The boy will fight until the debt is paid.
[folk Irish music plays]
-Stop, it wasn't a purposeful rhyme. -[music stops]
-I don't speak in limerick all the time. -[folk Irish music plays]
-Okay, I heard that one. -[music stops]
The rhyming is now done.
-[folk Irish music plays] -Not done, over. It's over.
-[music stops] -God, every fecking--
Wait! [sniffs]
What is that? It reeks like gas in here.
-[clamoring] -She's trying to stop the fight.
-She's lying. -The hell I am!
You can't smell it 'cause you're drunk!
It's St. Patrick's Day. Everyone is drunk!
I'm not!
And I'm telling you, we need to get out of here.
-[hissing] -She's right, the needle's in the red!
Everybody run!
Come on, everybody out, quick! The place is gonna blow up!
[sirens blaring]
How are you holding up, bud?
Ugh. I'm hungry, but I also have to throw up.
-Yeah, isn't that the best? -[car screeching]
Tina!
Oh, no! I'm too late!
No. This isn't my puke. I didn't drink.
Everything worked out.
[explosion]
[man] Holy shit!
[drunkenly] Oh! There's a second floor!
Tina, believe it or not, I saved these people because I was sober.
I'm really proud of you, Diane.
I couldn't have done it without you, Tin.
And when this bracelet comes off,
-I'm gonna toast one in your honor. -I'm sorry, what?
Obviously, I'm gonna go back on the sizzauce,
but now I know I can quit when I want to.
Thanks to you.
Now how about a ride home?
This is your own fault, Tina.
You did this to yourself.
Come on, get in.
[upbeat Irish music playing]
[Bonnie] Yes, Mark! Yes, Mark!
[Mark and Bonnie] Yes, Mark! Yes, Mark!
[Diane] I can't believe my craziest St. Patrick's Day of all time
was the one I didn't drink at.
Later on, Daniel and Feather figured it out.
Feather realized he was better off leaving his past in the past
and he gave Daniel two extra days off a month
in exchange for his silence.
As for me, thanks to a little help from Tina,
I learned that I am capable of having control.
I might have blown my only chance at being the Whiskey Queen,
but not all queens wear crowns.
Some of them wear bracelets.
-[blows] -[beep]
[judge] Stop! Please stop.
I don't know any of those people and I don't care.
I called you back today to remove your bracelet.
What? That month flew by!
It's been four days,
but due to your heroic actions at McDougal's Pub,
I'm commuting your sentence to time served. Bailiff!
Hell yeah!
[upbeat music plays]
-[swallowing] -Take it outside!
Come on!
Next case, City of Chicago vs. Mark and Bonnie Whiddington
on the charges of public intoxication and committing a lewd, sexual act.
Oh my God! Busted!
-Hey, nude and lewd! You want a beer? -[judge] Get out!
-[slamming] -[Diane cackles]
[closing theme music playing]