[electricity crackling]
[both straining]
Who in their right mind would throw away a genuine Spuds MacKenzie?
This thing's a collector's item!
Who was Spuds MacKenzie again?
Spuds was the ultimate party dog.
He could skateboard, he was in a fraternity,
and he got all the babes.
Wait. Were they implying that this dog had sex with human women?
Times were different back then, Daniel.
Now grab a hold of this rope.
One, two, three…
[straining]
[both grunting]
Ugh!
Hey, hamstrings! How about a little help here?
What can I do for you?
Just grab a hold of this rope and anything else you'd like.
What are you? About 6'2", 211 pounds?
Yeah. That's exactly what I am. How'd you know?
My aunt's special skill. [chuckles]
Her high school guidance counselor always said she should go
-into carnival guessing. -[chuckles]
[grunts]
Daniel! Run upstairs and yank this thing inside. [chuckles]
-"Yank." -[man grunts]
I stay… here.
Fine.
I think I left some bras drying in the oven anyway.
So, you… live near here?
Or, you just… walk around offering to pull people's ropes? Heh.
That sounded very dirty as it came into my mouth-- Out of.
-[man chuckles] -Jesus!
I actually just moved to that building on the corner.
Wow, that's really close to where I live, which is… right here.
Oh, cool. Jason.
Oh, right. I'm Danny. El. Danielle.
Is it Danielle or Daniel?
It's just Daniel.
Welcome home, Spuds.
I actually work up the street at Kreativ Jus.
I get one free juice per quarter
and I'd love to give it to you as a thank you. [chuckles]
And I'd like to take it from you as a "you're welcome."
Damn it! I already have this one.
I knew it looked familiar.
Heads up!
-[loud thud] -Shoot!
[Diane] Ah.
Now it's the city's problem.
[theme music playing]
Kurt, are you sure about this haircut?
It's real short. I can see your rage vein.
Ah, it's new regulations by my prick of a supervisor, Director Worsley.
He's been on my ass ever since
I accidentally let one full-size bottle of Pert Plus get through security.
And then, bam, he freaking demotes me!
Oh, no, Lost and Found?
Pfft, I wish.
Terminal Four. That's Spirit Airlines.
People go through security with live chickens over there.
All right, Heidi's waitin' for me. I gotta run.
Oh, you and bird lady got any big weekend plans?
Gonna chew up some food and spit it into her mouth?
No, I'm actually meeting her parents this weekend.
They're cat people, though, so things might get a little tense.
Anyway, thanks, Di. Top cut as usual.
[door chimes]
Aah.
Good for Kurt.
You need to stop cutting your ex-husband's hair.
It's the one thing we still have.
[in thick accent] What about son?
Mikey? Oh, yeah, Mikey and the haircut.
That's all we have left.
Diane, he's clearly moved on.
You should too.
I'm fine.
I mean, I will be once my Hitachi's back from the shop.
-Your TV? -No, my vibrator.
-Motor burnt out. -[chuckles]
Stewart, I am so sorry you had to hear that.
Oh, it's fine. Diane's a riot.
By the way, your ex's girlfriend has some big shoes to fill.
That depends on how much salt I've had that day.
I fluctuate between a six and a ten.
[laughs]
Nice.
Diane, you've been out of the game so long,
you couldn't even tell Stewart was flirting with you.
He was?
People are too subtle now!
Back in the day, guys would just say, "That's a lot of hair spray. Wanna bang?"
What's Diane struggling with now?
Moderation? Decorum?
How to properly flush a toilet?
[laughs]
We're trying to get her a man, Gideon.
I don't need a man.
I have a very fulfilling life.
Oh, really? What did you do last night?
I found a beer sign in an alley, dragged it 14 blocks,
then fell asleep in my Lay-Z-Boy
with a family-sized mostaccioli in my lap.
Okay. Maybe I should go on a date.
[jazz music playing]
I mean, he's so good-looking
and it seemed like there was a vibe,
but I don't know if he's even gay.
If I met him, I could tell you in a second.
I can immediately detect people's sexual orientation and astrological sign.
[door opens]
Oh my God, that's him!
Jason! [gasps] Hi. Hello. Welcome.
Whatever.
How is it going?
Hey, Daniel.
-[whistling] -Thought I'd claim my free juice.
Well, I've got some juice for you.
Libra and I'm not sure.
Okay. I'll have a large… Mean Green?
Is that good?
Honestly, they're all horrible.
-[laughs] -Thanks again for your help the other day.
You must work out. Like, a lot.
[chuckles] I'm actually headed to my gym now.
Chicago Power Clean. You know it?
Do I know it?
Um, it's only my favorite gymnasium. Gym.
Here you go.
Thanks. Uh, maybe I'll see you there sometime.
Totally.
Oh my God! This is the loser patrol.
Look at this dork.
[in mocking voice] "I love to travel, eat healthy and exercise."
No, thanks, narc.
You can't keep calling every guy without a tattoo a narc.
Here. Kent. He's an ear, nose, and throat doctor.
More like jeer, blows, and goat doctor.
Goat doctor? You should be so lucky.
All these men are dweebs.
I like a guy who gets most of his clothes from car shows.
A man who's not afraid to order his steak raw!
Or his chicken.
Look, because I want to wrap this up, I think I may just have a solution.
I downloaded this app for myself and was very disappointed,
so I'm guessing you're gonna love it.
"Mustaches Only dot com"?
Holy shit, these guys are all tens!
They all look exactly same.
Yeah, not good.
[Diane] Here. Oh, this guy's a total gusher.
Make it happen, Gideon.
Only if you agree to do one thing.
Anything.
Your goddamn job!
Oh!
[techno music playing in the background]
[grunts]
-[whimpering] -[crash]
-Daniel? -Oh, hey, Jason.
I thought that was you.
So, what's up?
Oh, you know, just throwing some weight around.
Dude, I was just giving you a tour and you disappeared.
Also, did you just throw a kettlebell?
What? No.
[whispering] I'll pay for it. Just give me a second, please.
[chuckles] What a weirdo.
Anyway, so what are you up to?
Uh, well, it's leg day. You want in?
You know what they say about leg day.
Of course, it goes without saying.
[grunting]
Fist pump!
Just one?
Yeah, don't want to get too bulky, so…
You do have a nice lean frame.
Really? You think?
Hey, man, it's time for you to go.
Okay, Devlin. I'll see you soon.
I hope so.
Another loaded baked potato?
No, I know when I've been stood up.
Where do you think you're going, hot stuff?
You must be Burch. You're late.
Listen, gorgeous, I'm gonna make you a promise right now.
That will probably never happen again.
You're a goddamn smokeshow,
and I'd like to do nothing more
than to sit here and watch you eat a bone-in rib eye
while, if you permit me,
I run my hand up your leg.
You're lucky I've only been eating side dishes.
[hard rock music playing]
Hmm.
Damn it.
[doorbell rings]
If you're from the liquor store,
just leave my aunt's Goldschläger at the door!
-[doorbell rings continuously] -Come on!
Oh my God, Jason. What are you doing here?
Could I come in for a second?
Yeah, for sure.
Can I get you something to drink?
We have, um… half a Clamato?
I'm good. [chuckles]
Daniel, is there any way that maybe you came to the gym just to…
I don't know, flirt with me?
What? No. [chuckles nervously]
Yeah, right.
You're not even gay, right? You're not gay. Are you gay?
[chuckles]
Uh, all my ex-boyfriends seem to think so.
And I had a girlfriend in junior high who was very suspicious.
Oh, so you are gay.
Yes, and I'd like to cook you dinner at my place on Friday night.
That sounds really nice.
Awesome.
Uh, I'm done with work at 5:00 and I work right there, so…
Oh, you work at Wrigley?
Like in marketing or concessions?
I'm the new shortstop.
Wow, a shortstop is… a player?
Mm. Mm.
Aah!
You should charge people to watch you eat.
Another slice?
No, three's my limit.
What do you say we get out of here?
You ever watch the fireworks at Navy Pier?
Um, only 500 times.
Not from my penthouse apartment, you haven't.
[fork clatters]
-[Diane] Yes! [moans] -[Burch moans loudly]
-Yep! -That was one for the books.
-Pall Mall? -Virginia Slim 100 Menthol Light?
[both laughing]
That's funny. That's funny.
I gotta say, it's been years since I slept with a guy
whose last name I didn't even know.
It was KC from the Sunshine Band, FYI.
Well, mine's Worsley.
Worsley. That sounds so familiar.
Where do you work?
I'm the head of TSA at Midway.
I'm basically the frickin' mayor over there.
-[ominous music plays] -Oh, shit.
This guy's such a catch.
But if I tell Kurt I'm dating his boss,
he will certainly have his sixth heart attack.
Six? What is wrong with you people?
Give up pork!
Come on, guys. I'm really tormented here.
What do I do?
Listen, Diane.
Kurt sat here and told you how serious he's getting with his girlfriend.
If you like this guy, you should explore that.
Huh. That makes sense.
[in thick accent] When first husband die of turkey plague,
I marry his boss at turkey farm.
Good point, Zuzs. I'm just gonna be honest with Kurt.
He's a grown adult. He'll be fine.
How could you do this to me?!
Kurt, relax, it's not the end of the world.
No, it's worse!
Ah, this is the ultimate betrayal!
I forbid you to date him!
You can't forbid me to do shit!
I'm a grown-ass woman with the body of a 19-year-old.
I can do whatever I want
and I'm going to date the fuck out of this guy!
Hi, sweetie. [kisses]
["Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals playing]
♪ Well, he walked up to me And he asked me if I wanted to dance ♪
♪ He looked kinda nice And so I said I might take a chance ♪
♪ When he danced he held me tight ♪
♪ And when he walked me home that night ♪
♪ All the stars were shining bright And then he kissed me ♪
Aah! [chuckles]
♪ And then he kissed me ♪
Mm! Yummers, this is… good.
[chuckles] So is your acting.
Don't beat yourself up.
Sometimes my aunt cooks meals on the radiator.
[Jason laughs]
Should we go out to grab a bite?
Or we could just order a pizza and… hook up while we wait.
[gentle music playing]
[buzzing]
Ow!
Not so close there, big red.
-Go ahead and trim that ear fuzz too. -Mm.
You heard the man, Zuzs.
My Burchie likes his ears like a baby's ass.
And here's your tip.
What is this?
It's a scratcher.
You could win up to 500 bucks.
It's better than cash.
So, give me a smile, huh?
Oh, these are the best!
All you gotta do is get four stacks of cash in a row,
which you didn't get.
Ow. Better luck next time, honey.
And I'll see you tonight, toots.
[doorbell chimes]
-[door closes] -[sighs] Isn't he a hunk?
He is hunk of something.
Hey! Lose the 'tude, Zuzs!
[hard rock music plays]
Ah, I feel like our bodies are fully imprinted on this couch.
Maybe we should go for a walk or something.
But if we're walking, I can't be the big spoon.
Holy shit!
There's a Robyn concert at Wrigley next week.
We gotta go!
Yeah… I don't know.
Uh, we had, like, a two-hour Robyn dance party in here the other night.
I don't really like big stadiums.
You're a baseball player!
Yeah, it's… different. Okay?
So, come on. Let's just watch some Netflix.
There's a new show Love is Quiet,
where people go on dates, but they aren't allowed to speak.
[Tudum plays]
[narrator, whispering] Welcome to Love is Quiet.
Today, lovebirds Alex and Brittany are at the Riverside Community Library.
Shh!
Friday night, they're unveiling a new art project in Terminal 2.
A bunch of kids painting their own hands or something.
They asked me to give a little speech and I'd love for you to be there with me.
I wouldn't miss it for all the iced teas in Long Island.
Diane, do me a favor. Go pick out a Beanie Boo or something.
Oh, I wonder if they still have the Mayor Daley one.
Why do I have to keep coming in here, huh? Get it right.
Mr. Worsley, I--
-This is your last warning. -I'm trying my best.
[grunts] Hey, remember what I said.
All right, all right, all right.
Let's go.
Everything okay over there?
Yeah, that guy's a troublemaker.
Here. These are for you.
[Diane] I know some women who,
if their boyfriend gave them a bag of peanut M&Ms
he just bopped someone on the head with,
would freak out.
But I gotta be honest. It turned me on.
And I was hungry.
So, Jason, Cubs fans are thrilled to have you in Chicago.
First question. Thin crust or deep dish?
[chuckles] Oh, I gotta go thin crust.
Cut! Ugh!
You gotta say "deep dish," man.
Hey, I want to meet the new rookie.
Oh, hey, buddy. How's it going?
I'm good… buddy.
How are you?
I'll catch up with you later. Okay?
Um, yeah, okay.
Cool.
Okay. Let's go again. Remember, "deep dish."
Sure, right.
[reporter] And can we fly in some powder? He's shiny.
They say to take a dump right after sex, so you don't get a UTI.
Don't you mean pee?
I do both just to be safe.
-[clack] -Ow!
Holy shit!
[ominous music playing]
Looks like you got a little lost.
Burch! What are these scratchers?
It's a little side project.
I get the overseas shipments
and then I sell them to stores at a discount.
Well, don't just stand there, grab me a nickel!
Let's get scratchin'!
No, Diane. None of these are winners.
That's the whole thing.
Really? Oh.
I… I don't know, Burch.
I'm trying not to get involved with any more scams
ever since those Amway psychos blew up my car.
Relax, it's a victimless crime.
Burch. This feels kind of shady.
I was saving this for later, but, uh… what the hell.
[gasps]
Diane, I want you to be my lady 24/7.
Move in with me.
The Forever Bears Diamond Infinity pendant.
You went to Jared.
I did.
Jared Bagowski.
The unofficial jeweler of the Chicago Bears.
So, what do you say, Diane?
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
Bet you didn't know you could sub your eggs for another ham steak.
So, when do you think you're gonna be moving in?
Well, here's the thing, Burch.
I'm a little worried about my nephew Daniel.
I don't know if I can just leave him.
Pfft. Screw him.
Excuse me?
I-I didn't mean it like that.
I'm just saying, you'll be happier in life when you stop worrying about other people.
And he's like a kid, he'll be fine.
You gotta look out for number one.
You deserve it.
Okay, anything else?
No, thanks, toots.
This is for you.
Oh, wow. A scratcher ticket?
Maybe I can pay my rent this month.
Anyhoo, I know you got work.
I'm gonna go say hi to Mikey.
Who the fuck's Mikey?!
Relax! He's my son, remember?
Oh, right. Okay.
I'll see you at the art thing tonight.
And look hot.
There's my boy.
Ma!
Hey, Mikey! How's your dad doing?
Ah, not good.
He scream-cried himself to sleep last night.
Well, that might be because I've been seeing his boss.
Yeah, that's specifically what he was screaming about.
And how do you feel about that?
Well, you know, I love you and I just want you to be with a good guy.
[Burch] Hey, numb nuts. This is Director Worsley.
Hey, speak of the devil.
-[beep] -Yes, sir.
[Burch] Listen, you dope.
Were you handling a shipment from Chechnya?
Yes, sir, uh, about 20 minutes ago. I put it in Hangar 6.
[Burch] They were supposed to go directly to my office!
Wake up, dumbass!
Uh, sorry about that, sir.
Hey, do you want to say hi?
I'll talk to him later. Love you.
[Burch] Well, fix it, you shit-for-brains!
I need to talk to you.
What the hell was that yesterday?
You totally blew me off.
I'm sorry, but I-I was busy and that reporter was really grilling me.
Jason, are you in the closet?
What? No. I've been out for years.
I just don't want the stress of a public relationship.
I want my baseball to be the thing people talk about,
not who I'm dating.
Well, I want someone who I can hold hands with,
not just inside his apartment while watching Bridgerton,
but outside at, like, a Bridgerton viewing party or something.
[sighs] Daniel--
This is what ended my last relationship.
All the attention.
And that was in the minor leagues. I'm a Chicago Cub now.
I'm sorry, I just-- I want to keep things the way they are.
Well I don't want to be somebody's dirty little secret!
Okay, fine!
I'm sorry you can't handle this.
I can handle it fine. You're the one with the problem!
Goodbye.
We're going in the same direction, aren't we?
Can I go first? I'm late for practice.
Fine!
-[high-pitched beeping] -I told you I have two fake knees.
Ma'am, that may be true, but I still gotta wand you for weapons.
-Ah! Fucking chickens! -Kurt.
Oh. What are you doing here?
-[beeping] -You gonna tell me you're getting hitched?
No, but Burch did ask me to move in.
Oh, God. No!
Ah, I'm gonna toss my cookies!
[Kurt vomiting]
You weren't lying. Those are all cookies.
You did this to me, Diane!
-Kurt, listen! -[Kurt retches]
I need your help.
[big band music playing]
Even though she looks like a zebra, trust me, this one's all cougar.
[all laughing]
He said in the car he liked it.
Hey, sweetie.
Be a doll and go grab me another Jack and Coke.
-Easy on the Coke. -[Diane chuckles nervously]
[Stewart] Diane!
Stewart! What are you doing here?
I do a lot of work with Hands Make Plans. They're a great organization.
Those are on me.
Thanks for these.
My pleasure.
Your dress is really pretty, by the way.
["Dancing On My Own" by Robyn playing]
-[Daniel sobbing] -♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ But I'm not the girl You're taking home ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪ -[sobbing]
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
Daniel! Daniel!
[tapping on window]
-[glass shatters] -[screams]
Sorry, I didn't mean to break it!
What the hell are you doing? I thought you were afraid of heights.
I'm terrified!
Here, I brought you something.
Robyn at Wrigley Field.
Daniel, I don't want to throw away what we have because of my baggage.
I like you and I don't care who knows.
Hey, everybody! Up here!
I am into this guy, and I fucked up
and I'm really hoping he'll give me another chance.
Give him another chance!
Where's the Taco Bell?
They tore it down.
So, what do you say, Daniel?
Well, I don't know.
Please answer so I can get down.
Yes. Yes, yes!
-Yes! -Whoa!
[both screaming]
[loud thud]
[groans]
Spuds broke my fall.
Thank you… Spuds.
So, every time one of these brave children paints their own hand,
they get one step closer to…
their plans.
I guess.
Anyway, here to welcome us to Terminal 2,
the Mayor of Midway, Burch Worsley.
[applause]
Hey, what are you doing?
I'll just be a sec, sweetie.
Sorry, Mr. Lieutenant Governor,
but I'd like to say a few words real quick about Burch Worsley.
[applause]
We've only been datin' for a few weeks, but he has swept me off my feet.
Don't even get me started about how he is in the sack.
Beast!
-[audience gasp] -Uh!
And he is so generous.
He always tips everyone with these lotto scratchers.
I love watching him make people's day
by giving them a chance to be a big winner.
But then I realized something.
Burch Worsley is just like these scratchers.
A total fraud.
-[audience muttering] -Okay, toots. That's enough.
I said, "A total fraud!"
Jesus Christ, Kurt, that's your cue!
[man] Oh!
-Ugh, goddammit! -[clamoring]
Go ahead and scratch them. Not a winner in the house!
Burch Worsley, you are under arrest for the forging of state lotto tickets.
You're not allowed to say that.
Burch Worsley, you're under arrest for the forging of state lotto tickets.
Where the hell'd you get those?
-Hangar 5. -Hangar 6.
Hangar 6.
Asshole.
You did me dirty, Diane.
We did each other dirty, Burch.
Thanks for the help, Di.
A bust this big will for sure get me off chicken duty.
All I heard was "bust this big" and "get me off."
[laughing]
Not so fast, bow tie. Keep it pouring.
Sorry things didn't work out between you and Burch.
Ah, it's okay.
There's plenty of other steers on the prairie.
Well, if you want to give a nice guy a shot,
you know where to find me.
Huh.
["Then He Kissed Me" by The Crystals playing]
♪ Well, he walked up to me And he asked me if I wanted to dance ♪
♪ He looked kinda nice And so I said I might take a chance ♪
♪ Then he asked me to be his bride ♪
♪ And always be right by his side ♪
♪ I felt so happy I almost cried And then he kissed me ♪
♪ And then he kissed me ♪