1
00:00:06,501 --> 00:00:07,834
[electricity crackling]

2
00:00:10,084 --> 00:00:12,418
[crowd cheering]

3
00:00:12,501 --> 00:00:13,543
[umpire] Stee-rike!

4
00:00:14,126 --> 00:00:17,834
Hey, ump! What kind of call was that,
you turkey-looking motherfu--?

5
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:19,334
He can't even hear you!

6
00:00:19,418 --> 00:00:20,793
[sighing] You're right.

7
00:00:20,876 --> 00:00:25,209
Hey, ump! Do you have
actual shit in your eyes, ass-face?!

8
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,043
Why don't you shut up, lady?!

9
00:00:27,126 --> 00:00:29,293
[Diane] You're lucky I can't afford
seats in the stadium

10
00:00:29,376 --> 00:00:31,668
or you'd be fishing this megaphone
out of your ass!

11
00:00:31,751 --> 00:00:33,584
I think that kid can hear you.

12
00:00:33,668 --> 00:00:35,126
I was talking to the kid.

13
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:36,168
[phone chimes]

14
00:00:36,709 --> 00:00:38,918
-[clatters]
-Ooh! It's from Stewart.

15
00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:41,751
We're going out tomorrow night.

16
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,793
I've never seen you this excited
about a date.

17
00:00:44,876 --> 00:00:47,709
Yeah, I'm just not used to guys
texting me weird stuff

18
00:00:47,793 --> 00:00:50,584
like "hello" and "how are you?"

19
00:00:50,668 --> 00:00:54,834
[announcer] Batting next for the Cubs,
number 16, Jason Jurado.

20
00:00:54,918 --> 00:00:59,001
Oh my God. That's our neighbor!
I can't believe we're friends with a Cub!

21
00:00:59,084 --> 00:01:02,501
Well, you aren't really friends with him.
You just met him once.

22
00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:03,584
I'm like HPV.

23
00:01:03,668 --> 00:01:05,959
One time and we're together forever.

24
00:01:06,043 --> 00:01:08,501
By the way, I read that
Jason plays for your team.

25
00:01:08,584 --> 00:01:11,918
I wonder if he's a pitcher
or a catcher, wink, wink.

26
00:01:12,501 --> 00:01:15,501
You don't need to say, "Wink, wink"
when you're actually winking.

27
00:01:15,584 --> 00:01:16,876
Was I winking?

28
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,709
Ugh, I gotta see a doctor.

29
00:01:18,793 --> 00:01:21,043
Well all I'm saying is,
you should try to date him.

30
00:01:21,126 --> 00:01:23,376
I mean, he could get us box seats.
[cackles]

31
00:01:23,459 --> 00:01:24,293
"Box."

32
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,834
I'm not going to date someone
just so you can get seats at a Cubs game.

33
00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:31,001
Also, that's such a simplistic,
heteronormative point of view.

34
00:01:31,084 --> 00:01:33,959
Just because we're both gay
doesn't mean we're compatible.

35
00:01:34,043 --> 00:01:36,459
[gentle music playing]

36
00:01:37,418 --> 00:01:39,501
We can't ever let my aunt know about us.

37
00:01:39,584 --> 00:01:41,334
You don't want her to know you're gay?

38
00:01:41,418 --> 00:01:44,584
No, I don't want her to know
I'm dating a Chicago Cub.

39
00:01:44,668 --> 00:01:47,376
[theme music playing]

40
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:57,876
Thanks for glamming me up
for the big date tonight, gals.

41
00:01:57,959 --> 00:02:00,293
Damn! You got some hungry-ass hair.

42
00:02:00,376 --> 00:02:01,918
Just eating all the product.

43
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:04,668
Oh, 'stache is thick like borscht.

44
00:02:04,751 --> 00:02:06,334
You should see the hair on my a--

45
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:08,334
-[screams]
-[door opens]

46
00:02:08,418 --> 00:02:09,834
Stewart!

47
00:02:09,918 --> 00:02:10,918
Hello, everyone.

48
00:02:11,001 --> 00:02:12,876
What are you doing here?

49
00:02:12,959 --> 00:02:15,543
I just popped in to see
if you have any food allergies

50
00:02:15,626 --> 00:02:17,084
before I plan the menu for tonight.

51
00:02:17,168 --> 00:02:18,001
[Gideon] Ha!

52
00:02:18,084 --> 00:02:21,834
This one never met a layer
of the food pyramid she didn't like.

53
00:02:21,918 --> 00:02:24,959
All right, Gideon,
ease up on the cock-block.

54
00:02:25,043 --> 00:02:26,751
Anyway, what he said.

55
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:30,334
Perfect. So, I'll see you
when I pick you up tonight at 6:30.

56
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,501
Nice to see you all.

57
00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:32,751
Food allergies?

58
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:33,751
Those aren't real.

59
00:02:33,834 --> 00:02:35,293
What the hell was that about?

60
00:02:35,376 --> 00:02:40,751
He is making nice gesture, like, uh…
giving you last bite of onion.

61
00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:44,126
Or… holding the door open for you.

62
00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:46,709
You're just not used
to a nice guy like Stewart.

63
00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:49,959
I mean, you dated a dude for a month
who called you Denise.

64
00:02:50,043 --> 00:02:51,668
That was an honest mistake.

65
00:02:51,751 --> 00:02:53,543
Denise was his wife's name.

66
00:02:54,584 --> 00:02:57,334
Oh my God, who is that hottie?

67
00:02:57,418 --> 00:02:59,376
Gideon, check it out!

68
00:02:59,459 --> 00:03:02,251
Did you know you had a model
working for you?

69
00:03:02,334 --> 00:03:04,918
You are neither a model
nor are you working.

70
00:03:06,001 --> 00:03:08,709
Told you! It does what it wants.

71
00:03:09,376 --> 00:03:10,876
[Daniel] And then it dawned on me.

72
00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:13,251
I was actually
giving more than I was getting

73
00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:16,459
and that's when I realized
I needed a new therapist.

74
00:03:16,543 --> 00:03:17,751
What about you?

75
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:20,334
Well, I've been to a physical therapist,

76
00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:22,626
but we mostly talked about my hamstring.

77
00:03:22,709 --> 00:03:25,709
-I get it, pretty juicy topic.
-[both laugh]

78
00:03:25,793 --> 00:03:28,334
Hey, you better watch it.
Because I'm feeling wild today!

79
00:03:28,418 --> 00:03:32,584
Here. There's some…
awesome street art I wanted to show you.

80
00:03:32,668 --> 00:03:36,709
Notice the use of shading around
the wiener on Chris Pine's forehead.

81
00:03:36,793 --> 00:03:38,376
You really wanted to show me this?

82
00:03:38,459 --> 00:03:41,668
Okay, look. I pulled you in here
because I saw my aunt.

83
00:03:41,751 --> 00:03:43,459
I don't get what the big deal is.

84
00:03:43,543 --> 00:03:46,043
Everyone thinks their own family is crazy.

85
00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,959
My uncle Gary sleeps standing up.
It's chilling.

86
00:03:49,043 --> 00:03:51,459
If my aunt found out
I'm dating a Chicago Cub,

87
00:03:51,543 --> 00:03:53,543
she'd never leave us alone.

88
00:03:53,626 --> 00:03:56,668
And if anyone is going to ruin
my first real relationship,

89
00:03:56,751 --> 00:03:58,959
it's going to be me
and my crippling anxiety.

90
00:03:59,043 --> 00:04:00,709
Ooh, you admit it.

91
00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:02,209
This is a real relationship.

92
00:04:02,293 --> 00:04:03,793
Shut up!

93
00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:07,501
Look, I like you and whatever
comes along with that, I'm fine with.

94
00:04:07,584 --> 00:04:10,459
Now, can we please get out of here?

95
00:04:10,543 --> 00:04:13,126
Yeah, I think that rat over there
is smoking.

96
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,251
-[squeaking]
-[puffing]

97
00:04:15,334 --> 00:04:16,959
[lighthearted music playing]

98
00:04:17,043 --> 00:04:17,876
Phew!

99
00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:20,918
Who knew there were so many steps
involved in making a baby?

100
00:04:21,001 --> 00:04:24,043
Yeah, with Daniel, all it took
was a six-pack of wine coolers

101
00:04:24,126 --> 00:04:26,168
and David Copperfield
at the United Center.

102
00:04:26,251 --> 00:04:27,293
Oh my God!

103
00:04:27,376 --> 00:04:30,334
Mark, I'm the one who should be scared.

104
00:04:30,418 --> 00:04:32,376
It's going into my body.

105
00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:34,418
Sorry. I'm terrified of needles.

106
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:37,251
You can take the boy
out of Christian Science… [chuckles]

107
00:04:37,334 --> 00:04:38,168
[gulps]

108
00:04:38,251 --> 00:04:40,501
Let's not worry about the needle
until we have to use it.

109
00:04:40,584 --> 00:04:43,959
You're right, which is… hmm, 11:00 p.m.,

110
00:04:44,043 --> 00:04:46,709
the night before our next
hormone check at the clinic.

111
00:04:46,793 --> 00:04:50,418
In the meantime, we'll focus on
getting our bodies healthy to make a baby.

112
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,168
-[bell dings]
-Speak of the devil.

113
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,418
You're due for a teste massage.

114
00:04:54,501 --> 00:04:57,251
The doctor said it could help
with your short-tailed sperm.

115
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:58,209
I'm on it.

116
00:04:58,293 --> 00:05:00,543
Testicles only! No shaft.

117
00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:02,376
[jazzy romantic music plays]

118
00:05:02,459 --> 00:05:04,168
Oh, hello, Stewart.

119
00:05:04,251 --> 00:05:06,168
Diane, you-- you-- you look beautiful.

120
00:05:06,251 --> 00:05:08,793
Thank you. You clean up nice too.

121
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,334
I got these for you.

122
00:05:10,418 --> 00:05:11,501
For me?

123
00:05:11,584 --> 00:05:13,584
Nobody's ever bought me flowers.

124
00:05:13,668 --> 00:05:16,543
Except when I faked my own death
to get out of traffic school.

125
00:05:16,626 --> 00:05:18,876
[chuckles] You're a regular
Huckleberry Finn.

126
00:05:18,959 --> 00:05:20,834
That used to be my nickname!

127
00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:23,293
Wait. No, it was Dingleberry Skank.

128
00:05:23,376 --> 00:05:24,209
[chuckles]

129
00:05:24,293 --> 00:05:26,918
Anyhoo, what's on tap for tonight?

130
00:05:28,959 --> 00:05:31,584
Stewart, this is amazing!

131
00:05:31,668 --> 00:05:34,876
I've never been on a boat
that hadn't just rescued me.

132
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,376
Yeah, the lake has always been my escape.

133
00:05:37,459 --> 00:05:39,376
I worked hard, lived modestly,

134
00:05:39,459 --> 00:05:42,084
and saved enough to buy myself
this little slice of heaven.

135
00:05:42,168 --> 00:05:46,334
You're telling me that you set aside
a portion of your paycheck every week

136
00:05:46,418 --> 00:05:50,084
and after a period of time,
you had enough money to buy this?

137
00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:52,001
Yeah, it's called savings.

138
00:05:52,084 --> 00:05:53,293
Wow!

139
00:05:53,376 --> 00:05:56,793
So money… is cumulative.

140
00:05:56,876 --> 00:05:58,876
[chuckles] Yes. Yes, it is.

141
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,209
Okay. So today is one of
only two days of the year

142
00:06:02,293 --> 00:06:05,751
that the sun sets directly between
the Sears Tower and the Hancock Building.

143
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,751
[Diane] And you thought to show it to me?

144
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:08,668
Ah.

145
00:06:08,751 --> 00:06:11,418
-Cleanup in aisle "my pants."
-[camera shutter clicks]

146
00:06:12,834 --> 00:06:13,793
Here, take a look.

147
00:06:13,876 --> 00:06:15,543
Holy mostaccioli!

148
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:17,043
I look incredible!

149
00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:20,126
Eat your heart out, Shannon Tweed!

150
00:06:20,209 --> 00:06:22,084
[both laughing]

151
00:06:23,001 --> 00:06:25,334
I had a great time tonight.
Would you mind if I--?

152
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:28,209
You can literally do
anything you want with me.

153
00:06:28,293 --> 00:06:30,209
-Even back there.
-[chuckles]

154
00:06:30,293 --> 00:06:33,709
Yeah. I… was just gonna
ask if I could kiss you.

155
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:36,418
Aah! Yeah, bring it in.

156
00:06:36,501 --> 00:06:37,334
Mm.

157
00:06:37,418 --> 00:06:39,543
[jazzy romantic music playing]

158
00:06:39,626 --> 00:06:42,168
Um, I really hope
we can do this again sometime.

159
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:43,876
Good night, Diane.

160
00:06:45,126 --> 00:06:46,918
Eh…

161
00:06:48,043 --> 00:06:50,209
[romantic music swelling]

162
00:06:50,293 --> 00:06:52,334
[Diane] Eh…

163
00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:55,584
[Tina] Diane! Diane? Hello?

164
00:06:55,668 --> 00:06:57,334
You haven't said a word all morning.

165
00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:58,959
How was the date with Nice Guy Stewart?

166
00:06:59,626 --> 00:07:01,501
It was… great.

167
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:05,293
We had a lovely time
and he treated me with, eh…

168
00:07:05,376 --> 00:07:06,459
What's the word?

169
00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:07,584
Flea medication?

170
00:07:07,668 --> 00:07:08,918
"Respect."

171
00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:11,876
He treated you with respect, Diane.

172
00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:15,334
He made me feel like I was
the only other person in the world,

173
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:17,001
but here's the crazy part.

174
00:07:17,084 --> 00:07:19,459
We did not ball. No sex.

175
00:07:19,543 --> 00:07:21,834
And it's not because it doesn't work.

176
00:07:21,918 --> 00:07:24,418
Trust me. That's the first thing I asked.

177
00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:28,251
You know that most people don't have sex
with someone they barely know, right?

178
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:32,543
Tina, you've been watching too many
of those Hallmark card movies.

179
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:35,043
But seriously, I'm worried, gals.

180
00:07:35,126 --> 00:07:36,876
Stewart's got me on cloud nine,

181
00:07:36,959 --> 00:07:39,209
but I'm scared I'll mess it up.
What do I do?

182
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,001
Okay, here's the problem, Diane.

183
00:07:41,084 --> 00:07:42,876
Stewart is a normie.

184
00:07:42,959 --> 00:07:43,793
And you?

185
00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:45,418
You is a damn freak.

186
00:07:45,501 --> 00:07:47,334
Only in the sheets.

187
00:07:47,418 --> 00:07:49,043
Well, and in the streets.

188
00:07:49,126 --> 00:07:52,209
You have to show Stewart
that you can operate on his level.

189
00:07:52,293 --> 00:07:56,251
Like, what would you normally text a guy
the morning after you went out?

190
00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:58,209
"My dog just shit out your condom."

191
00:07:58,293 --> 00:08:00,459
-Diane, take your break.
-[chuckles]

192
00:08:00,543 --> 00:08:02,751
It's funny 'cause she doesn't have a dog.

193
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:03,668
[door closes]

194
00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:06,418
[Diane] I can do normal.

195
00:08:06,501 --> 00:08:11,209
Like, right now. I'm just a normal lady,
entering her very normal apartment.

196
00:08:11,293 --> 00:08:13,626
-[pants]
-Whoa!

197
00:08:13,709 --> 00:08:15,501
-[Diane] Holy Harry Caray's ghost!
-Good Lord!

198
00:08:15,584 --> 00:08:18,834
Daniel! There is a naked Cub in our house!

199
00:08:18,918 --> 00:08:19,793
Aah!

200
00:08:19,876 --> 00:08:21,168
[body thuds]

201
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:22,709
Aunt Diane, wake up.

202
00:08:23,376 --> 00:08:25,668
I had the craziest dream.

203
00:08:25,751 --> 00:08:28,793
I walked in on you
and that new shortstop for the Cubs.

204
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,459
-Hi, Diane.
-Aah!

205
00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:33,084
-Hey, stop fainting.
-[moaning]

206
00:08:33,668 --> 00:08:35,293
Jason Jurado!

207
00:08:35,376 --> 00:08:37,251
Long time no see, pal.

208
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:40,251
Been watching you and I think
we can get your batting average up

209
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:42,709
-if you just lift your elbow a little.
-[chuckles]

210
00:08:42,793 --> 00:08:44,418
She's just joking.

211
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:45,918
Like hell I am!

212
00:08:46,001 --> 00:08:50,626
The only time he's gotten past second base
was a few minutes ago on this couch.

213
00:08:50,709 --> 00:08:53,293
As much as I'd love to continue
this waking nightmare,

214
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:54,418
Jason has to get going.

215
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,418
I do.

216
00:08:55,501 --> 00:08:58,751
But hey, we're playing St. Louis Friday
if you guys want to come.

217
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:00,584
You can have my friends and family seats.

218
00:09:00,668 --> 00:09:01,876
-Shit yeah!
-We'll see.

219
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,084
It was great seeing you again.

220
00:09:04,584 --> 00:09:07,334
Daniel, this is fantastic for us!

221
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:09,001
Friends and family seats.

222
00:09:09,084 --> 00:09:10,751
Ah, why didn't you tell me?!

223
00:09:10,834 --> 00:09:12,751
Because you have zero chill.

224
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:14,584
And I shudder to think what you'll be like

225
00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:16,709
within spitting distance
of the opposing team.

226
00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:19,876
Spitting on the opposing team
was the old me.

227
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,459
I am a normie now.

228
00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:25,084
I went on a date last night
and didn't have sex…

229
00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:27,543
unlike some people. Wink, wink.

230
00:09:27,626 --> 00:09:29,209
Okay, that's a wrap on the winking.

231
00:09:29,293 --> 00:09:32,293
You really think you could go
to the game and not be crazy?

232
00:09:32,376 --> 00:09:33,751
Scout's honor.

233
00:09:34,293 --> 00:09:35,501
-[spits]
-Ugh!

234
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:38,501
O.J. tastes like shit without vodka.

235
00:09:38,584 --> 00:09:40,918
-[woman] Come on, Cubbies!
-[man] …hot dog!

236
00:09:41,001 --> 00:09:45,418
Friends and family receive unlimited
complimentary food and beverages.

237
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:48,043
-What can I get you?
-"Unlimited"?

238
00:09:48,126 --> 00:09:51,001
Shit, I'm gonna need a minute.
You guys go ahead.

239
00:09:51,084 --> 00:09:52,293
I'm good for now.

240
00:09:52,376 --> 00:09:55,501
I'll just have a Diet Coke
and I'm feeling wild.

241
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:57,584
What about a small popcorn too?

242
00:09:57,668 --> 00:10:00,043
Wow! What a normal order.

243
00:10:00,126 --> 00:10:02,751
I will have that as well.

244
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:04,293
-[ball hit]
-[audience cheering]

245
00:10:04,376 --> 00:10:05,334
Whoo!

246
00:10:05,418 --> 00:10:07,584
Cubbies!

247
00:10:07,668 --> 00:10:09,043
[howling]

248
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:11,334
Hey, lady! Move your big ass!

249
00:10:11,418 --> 00:10:12,709
We can't see the game!

250
00:10:12,793 --> 00:10:14,043
Listen here, you!

251
00:10:14,126 --> 00:10:15,084
[gathers phlegm]

252
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:17,043
Remember, you're normal now.

253
00:10:17,126 --> 00:10:18,376
[swallows and gags]

254
00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:19,793
[clears throat]

255
00:10:19,876 --> 00:10:24,084
I apologize if my ample backside
limited your view.

256
00:10:24,168 --> 00:10:29,084
Good luck to you, the Cardinals,
and the great city of St. Louis.

257
00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:30,584
Way to take the high road.

258
00:10:30,668 --> 00:10:34,334
You know what? He should be honored
to get a view of that ample backside.

259
00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:39,834
[announcer] Batting next for the Cubs,
Number 16, Jason Jurado!

260
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:42,751
Come on, Jason! You can do this.

261
00:10:42,834 --> 00:10:44,626
Whatever it is you have to do.

262
00:10:44,709 --> 00:10:47,626
[Diane] Elbow up, Jason! Elbow up!

263
00:10:47,709 --> 00:10:49,626
-Last call for beer!
-[umpire] Stee-rike!

264
00:10:49,709 --> 00:10:51,751
You want to take this tray
off my hands, lady?

265
00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:56,043
Oh, come on, you think we could finish--
What is that? One, two, three…

266
00:10:56,126 --> 00:10:58,418
-[umpire] Strike two!
-Nine frosty beers?

267
00:10:58,501 --> 00:11:00,126
[laughs] Go scratch.

268
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:01,418
[fan] Oh, we'll take them.

269
00:11:01,501 --> 00:11:03,418
[crowd chattering]

270
00:11:04,043 --> 00:11:04,918
[groans]

271
00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:08,543
Would you like to see my place?

272
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:12,251
Daniel's out with Jason, so…
we can be as loud as we want.

273
00:11:12,334 --> 00:11:14,501
It sounds… very tempting,

274
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:17,293
but I wouldn't want to ruin this
by rushing into things.

275
00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:19,668
[softly] Anticipation makes it
so much better.

276
00:11:19,751 --> 00:11:22,418
Huh. I've never thought of it like that.

277
00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:26,293
So, it's like when you don't eat all day
and then devour a deep-dish pizza,

278
00:11:26,376 --> 00:11:29,251
couple of char dogs,
a gyro and a full bread bowl.

279
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:30,168
[chuckles]

280
00:11:30,251 --> 00:11:31,251
Exactly.

281
00:11:32,543 --> 00:11:34,876
[sighs] See you soon, Diane.

282
00:11:36,251 --> 00:11:38,543
Sweet shit, that was hot.

283
00:11:38,626 --> 00:11:40,459
[gentle music playing]

284
00:11:40,543 --> 00:11:43,209
Should we schedule
your next appointment, sweetie?

285
00:11:43,293 --> 00:11:47,584
With your texture and style, I'd recommend
no less than six weeks between cuts.

286
00:11:47,668 --> 00:11:49,251
Sure. That sounds perfect.

287
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:54,001
Great. I'll pencil you in, and thank you
for being part of the Borough experience.

288
00:11:55,001 --> 00:11:56,168
[doorbell chimes]

289
00:11:56,251 --> 00:11:57,209
[door closes]

290
00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:58,334
What?

291
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:01,209
That interaction was very… normal.

292
00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:05,793
And you did it all without even taking
one of your "union smoke breaks."

293
00:12:05,876 --> 00:12:09,251
And at no point did you put your breasts
on the customer's head and say,

294
00:12:09,334 --> 00:12:12,834
"If you don't like the cut,
you can always wear this hat."

295
00:12:12,918 --> 00:12:13,793
It was easy.

296
00:12:13,876 --> 00:12:16,834
I just fought
every natural instinct I had.

297
00:12:16,918 --> 00:12:20,709
Speaking of, how long is normal
to wait to bone?

298
00:12:20,793 --> 00:12:22,376
Because we haven't even come close.

299
00:12:22,459 --> 00:12:25,126
No 69, no blowies. No fingers--

300
00:12:25,209 --> 00:12:26,918
We all know the sex things.

301
00:12:27,001 --> 00:12:28,918
I don't know if I can keep waiting.

302
00:12:29,001 --> 00:12:31,126
I almost exploded at the Cubs game.

303
00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:33,793
[chuckling] Baseball make you
horny like goat.

304
00:12:33,876 --> 00:12:36,334
You need a less stimulating surrounding.

305
00:12:36,418 --> 00:12:40,251
You know, keep it boring,
like a library or a nursing home.

306
00:12:40,334 --> 00:12:42,001
I've banged in both those places.

307
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:45,543
What is the lamest, least sexy thing
you can think of?

308
00:12:46,043 --> 00:12:46,876
Do that.

309
00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:49,626
Oh, that's a no-brainer.

310
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:51,293
[percussive music playing]

311
00:12:51,376 --> 00:12:54,501
Belly dancing circulates
the blood to the ovaries.

312
00:12:54,584 --> 00:12:56,459
So, go ahead and shake it, baby.

313
00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:59,584
But never shake your baby.

314
00:12:59,668 --> 00:13:00,834
[gags, slurps]

315
00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:03,834
I'm having a hard time
with these oysters. [gags]

316
00:13:03,918 --> 00:13:06,334
-I struggle with viscous textures.
-[phone ringing]

317
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:07,418
[slurps, swallows]

318
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:09,043
-[phone ringing]
-Hello?

319
00:13:09,126 --> 00:13:11,168
Bon? Cancel your plans for tonight.

320
00:13:11,251 --> 00:13:13,751
Because you're coming to dinner
with me and my new beau.

321
00:13:14,334 --> 00:13:18,043
I don't know. We're doing a special diet
to keep Mark's testosterone up.

322
00:13:18,126 --> 00:13:19,293
[belches]

323
00:13:19,376 --> 00:13:22,209
You know what?
It might be nice to get out of the house.

324
00:13:22,293 --> 00:13:23,126
[gags]

325
00:13:23,209 --> 00:13:24,918
I think I swallowed a pearl!

326
00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:28,251
I'm so proud of you, Jason.

327
00:13:28,334 --> 00:13:30,293
Having your photo hung up
at the Cubby Bear

328
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,293
is a sacred Cubs tradition.

329
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:35,209
Thank you. Why don't you swing by
when you're done with dinner?

330
00:13:35,293 --> 00:13:37,376
Thanks, but Stewart
and I'll probably rush home

331
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,959
to watch the new episode of Love is Quiet.

332
00:13:40,043 --> 00:13:41,959
You know, just a boring night.

333
00:13:42,043 --> 00:13:43,626
Oh, that reminds me.

334
00:13:43,709 --> 00:13:45,793
Daniel, do you have a blazer I could wear?

335
00:13:45,876 --> 00:13:46,709
Um…

336
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:49,668
I think my Confirmation suit
is in my closet.

337
00:13:49,751 --> 00:13:51,834
Perfect. Have fun, boys.

338
00:13:52,793 --> 00:13:55,293
I don't usually share clothes
with my aunt.

339
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:58,126
Okay, I borrowed
a spaghetti strap tank top.

340
00:13:58,209 --> 00:13:59,209
Once.

341
00:13:59,918 --> 00:14:02,918
These male fertility pants are
really letting my boys breathe.

342
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:03,918
[Diane] Over here!

343
00:14:04,001 --> 00:14:07,418
Hey, I'm Mark. This is Bonnie.
You must be Stewart.

344
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:09,126
Pleasure to meet you, Maaark…

345
00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:10,251
Hi, Bonnie.

346
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:11,501
Hi, Stewart.

347
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,418
Diane, you look nice.

348
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:14,959
Where'd you get that blazer?

349
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:16,584
Pretty sharp, right?

350
00:14:19,376 --> 00:14:21,001
Remember, no crossies.

351
00:14:21,501 --> 00:14:23,876
So, Stewart, how did you two meet?

352
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:26,876
Well, uh, my office is a few doors down
from Diane's salon.

353
00:14:26,959 --> 00:14:28,543
-And one day, I…
-[alarm dings]

354
00:14:28,626 --> 00:14:29,876
Oops. I'm sorry.

355
00:14:29,959 --> 00:14:31,918
I just have to take
my temperature real quick

356
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,126
and jot it down in my fertility log.

357
00:14:35,543 --> 00:14:39,876
I just said "log" and you didn't
make a poop joke. Are you okay?

358
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:44,376
Bonnie! Let's not talk about feces
at the dinner table.

359
00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:45,709
Sorry, Stewart.

360
00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:48,834
Good evening, folks.
Can I get you started with a drink?

361
00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:50,251
Just sparkling water for us.

362
00:14:50,334 --> 00:14:53,209
Lemon on the side, no seeds if possible.

363
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:56,293
Ooh, that actually sounds good.
Make it two, please.

364
00:14:56,376 --> 00:15:00,043
I'm okay for now.
I'll wait and order a wine with dinner.

365
00:15:00,126 --> 00:15:02,084
You're not drinking before dinner?

366
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:04,959
I want to pair my wine with my entrée.

367
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:07,751
What if I order a red and then get fish?

368
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,543
Ha! Can you imagine?

369
00:15:09,626 --> 00:15:11,709
Oh, yeah. I hate when that happens.

370
00:15:14,001 --> 00:15:17,334
And the omega-threes help
with the motility of the sperm,

371
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:21,043
which is very different
than the mobility of the sperm.

372
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:22,168
So, when that's done…

373
00:15:22,251 --> 00:15:24,876
-Wow, this is just fascinating.
-[sighs]

374
00:15:24,959 --> 00:15:28,084
Diane, would you mind
showing me where the restroom is?

375
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:30,584
Sure. I can stand to
visit the ladies' myself.

376
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:33,209
[Mark] …one that I didn't like at first…

377
00:15:33,751 --> 00:15:36,084
So, I'll meet you back
at the table in five,

378
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:38,543
or is this more of a ten-minute situation?

379
00:15:38,626 --> 00:15:41,959
Actually, to be honest, I just wanted
to have a moment with you.

380
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:42,876
Really?

381
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:45,584
Diane, your sister and Mark
are really nice,

382
00:15:45,668 --> 00:15:49,834
but they are the most boring people
I've ever met in my entire life.

383
00:15:49,918 --> 00:15:51,418
And I'm a patent lawyer.

384
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:54,168
Oh my God, I know! Aren't they the worst?

385
00:15:54,251 --> 00:15:56,668
Whoa. Wait. If you think so too,

386
00:15:56,751 --> 00:15:58,751
why did you want us to go
to dinner with them?

387
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,459
Because… they're normal.

388
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:04,793
And I thought if you met them,
you'd think I was normal too.

389
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:07,834
So, you did all this to impress me?

390
00:16:07,918 --> 00:16:10,543
Yep. I think I really like you.

391
00:16:10,626 --> 00:16:12,168
You didn't have to do all that.

392
00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:14,043
I really like you, Diane.

393
00:16:14,126 --> 00:16:17,543
And I was hoping tonight after dinner,
we could take this to the next level.

394
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:19,751
I don't think I can wait any longer.

395
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:22,459
-You mean…?
-We're banging in that bathroom.

396
00:16:22,543 --> 00:16:23,501
Whoop!

397
00:16:23,584 --> 00:16:26,418
[hard rock music playing]

398
00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:29,043
I gotta say, I really like Stewart.

399
00:16:29,126 --> 00:16:30,709
He seems good for Diane.

400
00:16:30,793 --> 00:16:33,126
This is the most adult I've ever seen her.

401
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:36,334
Toot-toot! Party train coming through!

402
00:16:36,418 --> 00:16:38,209
-Who wants shots?
-Yes!

403
00:16:38,293 --> 00:16:41,459
Hey, sweetie! Grab another pitcher
of Long Island stat!

404
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:45,001
Heck to the yeah, I've always wanted
to try a naughty iced tea.

405
00:16:45,084 --> 00:16:47,418
And a round of cannolis for the table!

406
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:50,293
Cannoli? We haven't even eaten dinner yet.

407
00:16:50,376 --> 00:16:52,959
Why wait when you can
just jump to the good part?

408
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:54,126
Right, Stewart?

409
00:16:54,209 --> 00:16:55,459
Oh, I hear that!

410
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:57,251
[both moaning]

411
00:16:57,334 --> 00:17:00,001
What happened in that bathroom?

412
00:17:00,626 --> 00:17:01,626
Aah!

413
00:17:01,709 --> 00:17:03,043
[munching]

414
00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:07,543
Oh, yeah! Feels like
goddamn heaven in my mouth!

415
00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:10,168
-Nam!
-[Diane] Mm!

416
00:17:11,251 --> 00:17:14,001
-[Stewart] Feels good to let go!
-Can I get you anything else?

417
00:17:14,084 --> 00:17:17,668
No, let's bail on this dump
and head over to Cubby Bear.

418
00:17:17,751 --> 00:17:20,418
Daniel's there
with his new Cubs player boyfriend.

419
00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:21,668
-What?
-[Diane] Yeah, come on!

420
00:17:21,751 --> 00:17:23,834
-We're out of here.
-Maybe we should head home.

421
00:17:23,918 --> 00:17:25,209
It's time to take your shot.

422
00:17:25,293 --> 00:17:29,126
Daniel has a new boyfriend
and Diane knew about it before me?

423
00:17:29,209 --> 00:17:31,209
Screw that!

424
00:17:31,293 --> 00:17:32,293
[grunts]

425
00:17:35,251 --> 00:17:37,334
-[Diane] A cover charge?
-Sorry, lady.

426
00:17:37,418 --> 00:17:38,709
Eat my ass!

427
00:17:38,793 --> 00:17:41,334
The guest of honor
is my future nephew-in-law.

428
00:17:41,418 --> 00:17:44,751
-Jason! Tell this jag we're VIP!
-Mm! Mm!

429
00:17:45,334 --> 00:17:48,834
You could let her in, or we could
get up and sneak out the back door.

430
00:17:48,918 --> 00:17:49,834
It's fine.

431
00:17:49,918 --> 00:17:52,126
-Hey, she's with me!
-Mm!

432
00:17:52,209 --> 00:17:55,376
There's my boys. How about some shots?

433
00:17:55,459 --> 00:17:58,209
First round is on…

434
00:17:58,293 --> 00:17:59,126
Stewart.

435
00:17:59,209 --> 00:18:02,501
-Come on, Stew.
-Yes! More Long Island iced teas!

436
00:18:02,584 --> 00:18:04,084
-Mom?!
-Move it!

437
00:18:04,168 --> 00:18:05,251
Dad!

438
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:06,876
Uh, this is Jason.

439
00:18:06,959 --> 00:18:09,418
I'm Mark, aka, the Dad.

440
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:10,459
Hello!

441
00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:12,334
You mind if I saddle up next to you?

442
00:18:12,418 --> 00:18:13,501
Pleasure to meet you.

443
00:18:13,584 --> 00:18:16,043
Daniel's told me so many great things
about you guys.

444
00:18:16,126 --> 00:18:20,001
And we've heard some good things
about you… from Diane.

445
00:18:20,084 --> 00:18:22,668
Well, the important thing is
you're meeting right now…

446
00:18:22,751 --> 00:18:24,709
in the most awkward and unplanned way.

447
00:18:24,793 --> 00:18:25,751
[alarm dings]

448
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:29,959
Whew! Gotta get my heart rate up.
Found out I have a cold uterus.

449
00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:31,709
Oh, wow. That's really--

450
00:18:31,793 --> 00:18:34,459
Mark! It's time for your scrotum massage.

451
00:18:34,543 --> 00:18:35,376
[chuckles]

452
00:18:35,459 --> 00:18:36,834
No resty for the teste.

453
00:18:36,918 --> 00:18:39,501
[Mark grunting]

454
00:18:40,084 --> 00:18:43,001
So, Jason. Shortstop, huh?

455
00:18:43,084 --> 00:18:46,334
Dad. I can't even begin to comprehend
what you're doing right now.

456
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:48,709
Ch-ch! Jell-O shots coming through!

457
00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:50,501
Mark and I aren't drinking.

458
00:18:50,584 --> 00:18:53,626
But we can toast
with our fish oil supplements.

459
00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:56,126
To finally having some fun tonight!

460
00:18:56,209 --> 00:18:57,459
I will drink to that!

461
00:18:57,543 --> 00:18:58,668
[Jason] Me too.

462
00:19:00,918 --> 00:19:02,584
-[Mark] Whoop!
-[Bonnie] Damn it!

463
00:19:02,668 --> 00:19:04,334
-Ah! The hormone shot!
-Move your foot!

464
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,084
Please excuse us.

465
00:19:06,168 --> 00:19:08,709
-Oh, no, no, no!
-[Bonnie] Where is it?

466
00:19:08,793 --> 00:19:10,751
[chuckles nervously]
I guess this whole time,

467
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:13,876
I should have been worried
about my parents instead of my aunt.

468
00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:17,334
By the way, if you ever want
to start juicing, I got a hookup.

469
00:19:17,418 --> 00:19:19,209
JK! They're all crazy.

470
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:20,126
[horn honking]

471
00:19:20,209 --> 00:19:24,876
Okay, party people!
Who's ready to ride the Bear?

472
00:19:24,959 --> 00:19:26,334
You gotta do it!

473
00:19:26,418 --> 00:19:29,459
You can't be a Cub
until you ride the Bear!

474
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:30,793
No! Diane! He can't.

475
00:19:30,876 --> 00:19:33,168
Daniel! Don't worry about it.

476
00:19:33,251 --> 00:19:34,251
Whoa!

477
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,168
Guest of honor, coming through!

478
00:19:36,251 --> 00:19:37,709
[crowd cheering]

479
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:38,918
[man] Hold on tight!

480
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:40,876
Jason, be careful!

481
00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:43,626
-Oh! Look at those muscles.
-[laughing]

482
00:19:43,709 --> 00:19:46,043
[Mark] Shoot, where'd it go?

483
00:19:47,043 --> 00:19:49,043
Wow, that is a big bear.

484
00:19:49,126 --> 00:19:52,001
What the--? I don't think
this was built for two people!

485
00:19:52,084 --> 00:19:53,543
You should probably get off!

486
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,668
Oh, believe me, sweetie, I am!

487
00:19:56,751 --> 00:19:58,293
Bonnie! I found it!

488
00:19:58,376 --> 00:20:01,293
No, seriously, I'm losing my grip!

489
00:20:01,376 --> 00:20:03,668
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

490
00:20:03,751 --> 00:20:04,751
[screams] Ugh!

491
00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:06,793
[both] Whoa!

492
00:20:06,876 --> 00:20:08,501
I believe you dropped this, milady.

493
00:20:08,584 --> 00:20:10,668
-Whoa!
-[screams]

494
00:20:11,584 --> 00:20:15,334
[distorted] Oh, no!

495
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:18,459
[screaming]

496
00:20:18,543 --> 00:20:19,543
[groans]

497
00:20:19,626 --> 00:20:20,626
Oof!

498
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:30,584
Jason, again, I am so, so sorry.

499
00:20:30,668 --> 00:20:33,584
[muffled] That makes me feel
so, so much better.

500
00:20:33,668 --> 00:20:36,418
J-Money, you're gonna love Florida.

501
00:20:36,501 --> 00:20:38,584
I'll hit you up
when I'm in the Panhan-- Oh!

502
00:20:38,668 --> 00:20:41,918
This is all your fault!

503
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:47,209
See why I didn't want you involved?

504
00:20:47,293 --> 00:20:50,501
He didn't get traded to Tampa Bay
because he got his teeth knocked out,

505
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:53,001
he got traded because he was batting 185.

506
00:20:53,084 --> 00:20:55,584
I told you to keep your elbow up!

507
00:20:55,668 --> 00:20:56,918
Don't worry. Daniel.

508
00:20:57,001 --> 00:21:00,251
I'm sure you'll meet another
young, gay, gorgeous, professional athlete

509
00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:02,126
who also happens to live on our block.

510
00:21:02,209 --> 00:21:04,751
I am not speaking to you.

511
00:21:04,834 --> 00:21:07,793
Okay, fine.
Chris Pine is the hottest Chris.

512
00:21:07,876 --> 00:21:09,501
No way. It's Hemsworth.

513
00:21:09,584 --> 00:21:11,543
Damn it! Starting now.

514
00:21:12,709 --> 00:21:13,584
[sighs]

515
00:21:14,126 --> 00:21:18,293
Well, well, well. Look who's
finally recovered from our wild night.

516
00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:19,834
Oh, it was a wild night, all right.

517
00:21:20,751 --> 00:21:22,793
You're about to break up with me,
aren't you?

518
00:21:22,876 --> 00:21:26,001
[sighs] Diane, look, you are an--

519
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:28,126
No, you don't have to do this, sweetie.

520
00:21:28,209 --> 00:21:30,709
I get it. I'm a wild stallion.

521
00:21:30,793 --> 00:21:33,168
You can grope me, but you can't rope me.

522
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:36,834
Oh, I know. But when we were
at the Cubby Bear, you were glowing.

523
00:21:36,918 --> 00:21:38,918
That's the Diane the world deserves.

524
00:21:39,001 --> 00:21:41,376
And that's what they're gonna get.

525
00:21:41,459 --> 00:21:42,293
[kisses]

526
00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:45,043
The law office is two doors down
if you ever need me.

527
00:21:45,126 --> 00:21:48,959
Oh, I am for sure coming to you
next time I get arrested for weed.

528
00:21:49,043 --> 00:21:50,209
Weed is legal now.

529
00:21:50,293 --> 00:21:52,709
Not the kind I'm smoking, baby!

530
00:21:52,793 --> 00:21:53,876
Wink, wink.

531
00:21:53,959 --> 00:21:56,251
Ah, I gotta get that looked at.

532
00:21:57,251 --> 00:22:00,084
[closing theme music playing]

533
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:11,834
[crying] Poor little leaf.

534
00:22:11,918 --> 00:22:14,418
Oh my Go-- Mark, how are you still crying?

535
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,209
The shot has worn off by now.

536
00:22:16,709 --> 00:22:19,834
[crying] I know. I think this is just me.

537
00:22:20,334 --> 00:22:21,251
[sniffles]