[electricity crackling]
[crowd cheering]
[umpire] Stee-rike!
Hey, ump! What kind of call was that, you turkey-looking motherfu--?
He can't even hear you!
[sighing] You're right.
Hey, ump! Do you have actual shit in your eyes, ass-face?!
Why don't you shut up, lady?!
[Diane] You're lucky I can't afford seats in the stadium
or you'd be fishing this megaphone out of your ass!
I think that kid can hear you.
I was talking to the kid.
[phone chimes]
-[clatters] -Ooh! It's from Stewart.
We're going out tomorrow night.
I've never seen you this excited about a date.
Yeah, I'm just not used to guys texting me weird stuff
like "hello" and "how are you?"
[announcer] Batting next for the Cubs, number 16, Jason Jurado.
Oh my God. That's our neighbor! I can't believe we're friends with a Cub!
Well, you aren't really friends with him. You just met him once.
I'm like HPV.
One time and we're together forever.
By the way, I read that Jason plays for your team.
I wonder if he's a pitcher or a catcher, wink, wink.
You don't need to say, "Wink, wink" when you're actually winking.
Was I winking?
Ugh, I gotta see a doctor.
Well all I'm saying is, you should try to date him.
I mean, he could get us box seats. [cackles]
"Box."
I'm not going to date someone just so you can get seats at a Cubs game.
Also, that's such a simplistic, heteronormative point of view.
Just because we're both gay doesn't mean we're compatible.
[gentle music playing]
We can't ever let my aunt know about us.
You don't want her to know you're gay?
No, I don't want her to know I'm dating a Chicago Cub.
[theme music playing]
Thanks for glamming me up for the big date tonight, gals.
Damn! You got some hungry-ass hair.
Just eating all the product.
Oh, 'stache is thick like borscht.
You should see the hair on my a--
-[screams] -[door opens]
Stewart!
Hello, everyone.
What are you doing here?
I just popped in to see if you have any food allergies
before I plan the menu for tonight.
[Gideon] Ha!
This one never met a layer of the food pyramid she didn't like.
All right, Gideon, ease up on the cock-block.
Anyway, what he said.
Perfect. So, I'll see you when I pick you up tonight at 6:30.
Nice to see you all.
Food allergies?
Those aren't real.
What the hell was that about?
He is making nice gesture, like, uh… giving you last bite of onion.
Or… holding the door open for you.
You're just not used to a nice guy like Stewart.
I mean, you dated a dude for a month who called you Denise.
That was an honest mistake.
Denise was his wife's name.
Oh my God, who is that hottie?
Gideon, check it out!
Did you know you had a model working for you?
You are neither a model nor are you working.
Told you! It does what it wants.
[Daniel] And then it dawned on me.
I was actually giving more than I was getting
and that's when I realized I needed a new therapist.
What about you?
Well, I've been to a physical therapist,
but we mostly talked about my hamstring.
-I get it, pretty juicy topic. -[both laugh]
Hey, you better watch it. Because I'm feeling wild today!
Here. There's some… awesome street art I wanted to show you.
Notice the use of shading around the wiener on Chris Pine's forehead.
You really wanted to show me this?
Okay, look. I pulled you in here because I saw my aunt.
I don't get what the big deal is.
Everyone thinks their own family is crazy.
My uncle Gary sleeps standing up. It's chilling.
If my aunt found out I'm dating a Chicago Cub,
she'd never leave us alone.
And if anyone is going to ruin my first real relationship,
it's going to be me and my crippling anxiety.
Ooh, you admit it.
This is a real relationship.
Shut up!
Look, I like you and whatever comes along with that, I'm fine with.
Now, can we please get out of here?
Yeah, I think that rat over there is smoking.
-[squeaking] -[puffing]
[lighthearted music playing]
Phew!
Who knew there were so many steps involved in making a baby?
Yeah, with Daniel, all it took was a six-pack of wine coolers
and David Copperfield at the United Center.
Oh my God!
Mark, I'm the one who should be scared.
It's going into my body.
Sorry. I'm terrified of needles.
You can take the boy out of Christian Science… [chuckles]
[gulps]
Let's not worry about the needle until we have to use it.
You're right, which is… hmm, 11:00 p.m.,
the night before our next hormone check at the clinic.
In the meantime, we'll focus on getting our bodies healthy to make a baby.
-[bell dings] -Speak of the devil.
You're due for a teste massage.
The doctor said it could help with your short-tailed sperm.
I'm on it.
Testicles only! No shaft.
[jazzy romantic music plays]
Oh, hello, Stewart.
Diane, you-- you-- you look beautiful.
Thank you. You clean up nice too.
I got these for you.
For me?
Nobody's ever bought me flowers.
Except when I faked my own death to get out of traffic school.
[chuckles] You're a regular Huckleberry Finn.
That used to be my nickname!
Wait. No, it was Dingleberry Skank.
[chuckles]
Anyhoo, what's on tap for tonight?
Stewart, this is amazing!
I've never been on a boat that hadn't just rescued me.
Yeah, the lake has always been my escape.
I worked hard, lived modestly,
and saved enough to buy myself this little slice of heaven.
You're telling me that you set aside a portion of your paycheck every week
and after a period of time, you had enough money to buy this?
Yeah, it's called savings.
Wow!
So money… is cumulative.
[chuckles] Yes. Yes, it is.
Okay. So today is one of only two days of the year
that the sun sets directly between the Sears Tower and the Hancock Building.
[Diane] And you thought to show it to me?
Ah.
-Cleanup in aisle "my pants." -[camera shutter clicks]
Here, take a look.
Holy mostaccioli!
I look incredible!
Eat your heart out, Shannon Tweed!
[both laughing]
I had a great time tonight. Would you mind if I--?
You can literally do anything you want with me.
-Even back there. -[chuckles]
Yeah. I… was just gonna ask if I could kiss you.
Aah! Yeah, bring it in.
Mm.
[jazzy romantic music playing]
Um, I really hope we can do this again sometime.
Good night, Diane.
Eh…
[romantic music swelling]
[Diane] Eh…
[Tina] Diane! Diane? Hello?
You haven't said a word all morning.
How was the date with Nice Guy Stewart?
It was… great.
We had a lovely time and he treated me with, eh…
What's the word?
Flea medication?
"Respect."
He treated you with respect, Diane.
He made me feel like I was the only other person in the world,
but here's the crazy part.
We did not ball. No sex.
And it's not because it doesn't work.
Trust me. That's the first thing I asked.
You know that most people don't have sex with someone they barely know, right?
Tina, you've been watching too many of those Hallmark card movies.
But seriously, I'm worried, gals.
Stewart's got me on cloud nine,
but I'm scared I'll mess it up. What do I do?
Okay, here's the problem, Diane.
Stewart is a normie.
And you?
You is a damn freak.
Only in the sheets.
Well, and in the streets.
You have to show Stewart that you can operate on his level.
Like, what would you normally text a guy the morning after you went out?
"My dog just shit out your condom."
-Diane, take your break. -[chuckles]
It's funny 'cause she doesn't have a dog.
[door closes]
[Diane] I can do normal.
Like, right now. I'm just a normal lady, entering her very normal apartment.
-[pants] -Whoa!
-[Diane] Holy Harry Caray's ghost! -Good Lord!
Daniel! There is a naked Cub in our house!
Aah!
[body thuds]
Aunt Diane, wake up.
I had the craziest dream.
I walked in on you and that new shortstop for the Cubs.
-Hi, Diane. -Aah!
-Hey, stop fainting. -[moaning]
Jason Jurado!
Long time no see, pal.
Been watching you and I think we can get your batting average up
-if you just lift your elbow a little. -[chuckles]
She's just joking.
Like hell I am!
The only time he's gotten past second base was a few minutes ago on this couch.
As much as I'd love to continue this waking nightmare,
Jason has to get going.
I do.
But hey, we're playing St. Louis Friday if you guys want to come.
You can have my friends and family seats.
-Shit yeah! -We'll see.
It was great seeing you again.
Daniel, this is fantastic for us!
Friends and family seats.
Ah, why didn't you tell me?!
Because you have zero chill.
And I shudder to think what you'll be like
within spitting distance of the opposing team.
Spitting on the opposing team was the old me.
I am a normie now.
I went on a date last night and didn't have sex…
unlike some people. Wink, wink.
Okay, that's a wrap on the winking.
You really think you could go to the game and not be crazy?
Scout's honor.
-[spits] -Ugh!
O.J. tastes like shit without vodka.
-[woman] Come on, Cubbies! -[man] …hot dog!
Friends and family receive unlimited complimentary food and beverages.
-What can I get you? -"Unlimited"?
Shit, I'm gonna need a minute. You guys go ahead.
I'm good for now.
I'll just have a Diet Coke and I'm feeling wild.
What about a small popcorn too?
Wow! What a normal order.
I will have that as well.
-[ball hit] -[audience cheering]
Whoo!
Cubbies!
[howling]
Hey, lady! Move your big ass!
We can't see the game!
Listen here, you!
[gathers phlegm]
Remember, you're normal now.
[swallows and gags]
[clears throat]
I apologize if my ample backside limited your view.
Good luck to you, the Cardinals, and the great city of St. Louis.
Way to take the high road.
You know what? He should be honored to get a view of that ample backside.
[announcer] Batting next for the Cubs, Number 16, Jason Jurado!
Come on, Jason! You can do this.
Whatever it is you have to do.
[Diane] Elbow up, Jason! Elbow up!
-Last call for beer! -[umpire] Stee-rike!
You want to take this tray off my hands, lady?
Oh, come on, you think we could finish-- What is that? One, two, three…
-[umpire] Strike two! -Nine frosty beers?
[laughs] Go scratch.
[fan] Oh, we'll take them.
[crowd chattering]
[groans]
Would you like to see my place?
Daniel's out with Jason, so… we can be as loud as we want.
It sounds… very tempting,
but I wouldn't want to ruin this by rushing into things.
[softly] Anticipation makes it so much better.
Huh. I've never thought of it like that.
So, it's like when you don't eat all day and then devour a deep-dish pizza,
couple of char dogs, a gyro and a full bread bowl.
[chuckles]
Exactly.
[sighs] See you soon, Diane.
Sweet shit, that was hot.
[gentle music playing]
Should we schedule your next appointment, sweetie?
With your texture and style, I'd recommend no less than six weeks between cuts.
Sure. That sounds perfect.
Great. I'll pencil you in, and thank you for being part of the Borough experience.
[doorbell chimes]
[door closes]
What?
That interaction was very… normal.
And you did it all without even taking one of your "union smoke breaks."
And at no point did you put your breasts on the customer's head and say,
"If you don't like the cut, you can always wear this hat."
It was easy.
I just fought every natural instinct I had.
Speaking of, how long is normal to wait to bone?
Because we haven't even come close.
No 69, no blowies. No fingers--
We all know the sex things.
I don't know if I can keep waiting.
I almost exploded at the Cubs game.
[chuckling] Baseball make you horny like goat.
You need a less stimulating surrounding.
You know, keep it boring, like a library or a nursing home.
I've banged in both those places.
What is the lamest, least sexy thing you can think of?
Do that.
Oh, that's a no-brainer.
[percussive music playing]
Belly dancing circulates the blood to the ovaries.
So, go ahead and shake it, baby.
But never shake your baby.
[gags, slurps]
I'm having a hard time with these oysters. [gags]
-I struggle with viscous textures. -[phone ringing]
[slurps, swallows]
-[phone ringing] -Hello?
Bon? Cancel your plans for tonight.
Because you're coming to dinner with me and my new beau.
I don't know. We're doing a special diet to keep Mark's testosterone up.
[belches]
You know what? It might be nice to get out of the house.
[gags]
I think I swallowed a pearl!
I'm so proud of you, Jason.
Having your photo hung up at the Cubby Bear
is a sacred Cubs tradition.
Thank you. Why don't you swing by when you're done with dinner?
Thanks, but Stewart and I'll probably rush home
to watch the new episode of Love is Quiet.
You know, just a boring night.
Oh, that reminds me.
Daniel, do you have a blazer I could wear?
Um…
I think my Confirmation suit is in my closet.
Perfect. Have fun, boys.
I don't usually share clothes with my aunt.
Okay, I borrowed a spaghetti strap tank top.
Once.
These male fertility pants are really letting my boys breathe.
[Diane] Over here!
Hey, I'm Mark. This is Bonnie. You must be Stewart.
Pleasure to meet you, Maaark…
Hi, Bonnie.
Hi, Stewart.
Diane, you look nice.
Where'd you get that blazer?
Pretty sharp, right?
Remember, no crossies.
So, Stewart, how did you two meet?
Well, uh, my office is a few doors down from Diane's salon.
-And one day, I… -[alarm dings]
Oops. I'm sorry.
I just have to take my temperature real quick
and jot it down in my fertility log.
I just said "log" and you didn't make a poop joke. Are you okay?
Bonnie! Let's not talk about feces at the dinner table.
Sorry, Stewart.
Good evening, folks. Can I get you started with a drink?
Just sparkling water for us.
Lemon on the side, no seeds if possible.
Ooh, that actually sounds good. Make it two, please.
I'm okay for now. I'll wait and order a wine with dinner.
You're not drinking before dinner?
I want to pair my wine with my entrée.
What if I order a red and then get fish?
Ha! Can you imagine?
Oh, yeah. I hate when that happens.
And the omega-threes help with the motility of the sperm,
which is very different than the mobility of the sperm.
So, when that's done…
-Wow, this is just fascinating. -[sighs]
Diane, would you mind showing me where the restroom is?
Sure. I can stand to visit the ladies' myself.
[Mark] …one that I didn't like at first…
So, I'll meet you back at the table in five,
or is this more of a ten-minute situation?
Actually, to be honest, I just wanted to have a moment with you.
Really?
Diane, your sister and Mark are really nice,
but they are the most boring people I've ever met in my entire life.
And I'm a patent lawyer.
Oh my God, I know! Aren't they the worst?
Whoa. Wait. If you think so too,
why did you want us to go to dinner with them?
Because… they're normal.
And I thought if you met them, you'd think I was normal too.
So, you did all this to impress me?
Yep. I think I really like you.
You didn't have to do all that.
I really like you, Diane.
And I was hoping tonight after dinner, we could take this to the next level.
I don't think I can wait any longer.
-You mean…? -We're banging in that bathroom.
Whoop!
[hard rock music playing]
I gotta say, I really like Stewart.
He seems good for Diane.
This is the most adult I've ever seen her.
Toot-toot! Party train coming through!
-Who wants shots? -Yes!
Hey, sweetie! Grab another pitcher of Long Island stat!
Heck to the yeah, I've always wanted to try a naughty iced tea.
And a round of cannolis for the table!
Cannoli? We haven't even eaten dinner yet.
Why wait when you can just jump to the good part?
Right, Stewart?
Oh, I hear that!
[both moaning]
What happened in that bathroom?
Aah!
[munching]
Oh, yeah! Feels like goddamn heaven in my mouth!
-Nam! -[Diane] Mm!
-[Stewart] Feels good to let go! -Can I get you anything else?
No, let's bail on this dump and head over to Cubby Bear.
Daniel's there with his new Cubs player boyfriend.
-What? -[Diane] Yeah, come on!
-We're out of here. -Maybe we should head home.
It's time to take your shot.
Daniel has a new boyfriend and Diane knew about it before me?
Screw that!
[grunts]
-[Diane] A cover charge? -Sorry, lady.
Eat my ass!
The guest of honor is my future nephew-in-law.
-Jason! Tell this jag we're VIP! -Mm! Mm!
You could let her in, or we could get up and sneak out the back door.
It's fine.
-Hey, she's with me! -Mm!
There's my boys. How about some shots?
First round is on…
Stewart.
-Come on, Stew. -Yes! More Long Island iced teas!
-Mom?! -Move it!
Dad!
Uh, this is Jason.
I'm Mark, aka, the Dad.
Hello!
You mind if I saddle up next to you?
Pleasure to meet you.
Daniel's told me so many great things about you guys.
And we've heard some good things about you… from Diane.
Well, the important thing is you're meeting right now…
in the most awkward and unplanned way.
[alarm dings]
Whew! Gotta get my heart rate up. Found out I have a cold uterus.
Oh, wow. That's really--
Mark! It's time for your scrotum massage.
[chuckles]
No resty for the teste.
[Mark grunting]
So, Jason. Shortstop, huh?
Dad. I can't even begin to comprehend what you're doing right now.
Ch-ch! Jell-O shots coming through!
Mark and I aren't drinking.
But we can toast with our fish oil supplements.
To finally having some fun tonight!
I will drink to that!
[Jason] Me too.
-[Mark] Whoop! -[Bonnie] Damn it!
-Ah! The hormone shot! -Move your foot!
Please excuse us.
-Oh, no, no, no! -[Bonnie] Where is it?
[chuckles nervously] I guess this whole time,
I should have been worried about my parents instead of my aunt.
By the way, if you ever want to start juicing, I got a hookup.
JK! They're all crazy.
[horn honking]
Okay, party people! Who's ready to ride the Bear?
You gotta do it!
You can't be a Cub until you ride the Bear!
No! Diane! He can't.
Daniel! Don't worry about it.
Whoa!
Guest of honor, coming through!
[crowd cheering]
[man] Hold on tight!
Jason, be careful!
-Oh! Look at those muscles. -[laughing]
[Mark] Shoot, where'd it go?
Wow, that is a big bear.
What the--? I don't think this was built for two people!
You should probably get off!
Oh, believe me, sweetie, I am!
Bonnie! I found it!
No, seriously, I'm losing my grip!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
[screams] Ugh!
[both] Whoa!
I believe you dropped this, milady.
-Whoa! -[screams]
[distorted] Oh, no!
[screaming]
[groans]
Oof!
Jason, again, I am so, so sorry.
[muffled] That makes me feel so, so much better.
J-Money, you're gonna love Florida.
I'll hit you up when I'm in the Panhan-- Oh!
This is all your fault!
See why I didn't want you involved?
He didn't get traded to Tampa Bay because he got his teeth knocked out,
he got traded because he was batting 185.
I told you to keep your elbow up!
Don't worry. Daniel.
I'm sure you'll meet another young, gay, gorgeous, professional athlete
who also happens to live on our block.
I am not speaking to you.
Okay, fine. Chris Pine is the hottest Chris.
No way. It's Hemsworth.
Damn it! Starting now.
[sighs]
Well, well, well. Look who's finally recovered from our wild night.
Oh, it was a wild night, all right.
You're about to break up with me, aren't you?
[sighs] Diane, look, you are an--
No, you don't have to do this, sweetie.
I get it. I'm a wild stallion.
You can grope me, but you can't rope me.
Oh, I know. But when we were at the Cubby Bear, you were glowing.
That's the Diane the world deserves.
And that's what they're gonna get.
[kisses]
The law office is two doors down if you ever need me.
Oh, I am for sure coming to you next time I get arrested for weed.
Weed is legal now.
Not the kind I'm smoking, baby!
Wink, wink.
Ah, I gotta get that looked at.
[closing theme music playing]
[crying] Poor little leaf.
Oh my Go-- Mark, how are you still crying?
The shot has worn off by now.
[crying] I know. I think this is just me.
[sniffles]